Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

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Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law is a comedic television animated series that airs on Cartoon Network during its Adult Swim late night programming block.

Season 1[edit]

Bannon Custody Battle[edit]

Dr. Quest: Well, I've got a rather serious problem. You see my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.
Harvey: How long has she-
Dr. Quest: He
[Avenger and Harvey freeze, and their eyes widen.]
Dr. Benton Quest: He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.

Debbie: [on intercom] That was the ornithologist. The results were negative.
Harvey: Thank you.

Judge Mightor: Order... order in the court room. Uhhhh lord I have had enough of you two! Now Mr. Birdbath... beanbag whatever your name is. SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR HOLE! Now Mr. Vulture... Vulture? Vulturo... opening arguments.

Mightor: State your first name, your last name, and your occupation.
Lizardman: Lizardman, Lizardman, and Lizardman.

Harvey Birdman: Dr. Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with...
Dr. Benton Quest: Well, Race and I met one night...
Harvey Birdman: [gritted teeth] With your boys!

Harvey Birdman: I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.
Jonny Quest: But he throws like a girl.
Harvey Birdman: So did Martina Navratilova, but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in many other important ways.

Mightor: BOOTYLICIOUS!
Harvey: Yes your Honor?
Mightor: Your Witness...

Dr. Quest: Since I know he'll never do it himself, I'm gonna step right up and toot Mr. Birdman's horn.
[Harvey backs up, uncomfortable]
Dr. Quest: Way to go, Harvey.
[Bandit barks, and is picked up by a swooping Avenger]
Dr. Quest: You too Bandit
[Everybody laughs. Dr. Quest pats Harvey's butt and he stops.]

Harvey Birdman: Avenger, call Doctor Quest.
Avenger: CAW!

Very Personal Injury[edit]

[Apache Chief walks into a Javalux, out of view of the audience]
Apache Chief: Coffee please
Javalux Employee: All right. That'll be $1.87. [pause] Sorry, Chief. No credit cards. It seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.
Apache Chief: Oh, I... I think I have change.
[coffee spills]
Apache Chief: Ah! My lap!

Apache Chief: Well I saved the town the other day.. and anyway, I saved the town. And anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a.. a coffee would be nice." But I spilled it on my... lap
Harvey: Uh-huh.
Apache Chief: And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.
Harvey: I'll bet.
Apache Chief: Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.
Harvey: Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?
Apache Chief: I... can no longer... enlarge.
Harvey: Ugh!
[crosses his legs and winces a few moments]
Harvey: Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?

Harvey: When I say the word "superhero", what names come to mind? Wonder Woman. Aquaman. Superman. Birdman. These are names...
Juror: Uh, excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.
Harvey: Not my point...

Reducto: Back off! I've got a shrink gun. Who touched my ankle? Gun! Do you think I dont see? You dont think I feel your eyes like grubby little fingers, little children's fingers on my body? Back off! I will make you teensy.

[Reducto's opening statement]
Reducto: What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch? That's all I have.

Harvey: Mr Vulcan, tell us about your superpower.
Black Vulcan: Pure electricity... in my pants.
Harvey: Tell us, what would life be like without your powers?
Black Vulcan: Well, you know when the power goes out in your house? It would be like that... but in your pants.

Harvey: You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend's whereabouts - a Wonder Woman, I believe?
Zan: Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.
Harvey: Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?
Zan: Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.
Harvey: How do you happen to know this?
Zan: I was... I, I was the bathwater.
[flashback]
Zan: [his face visible in the water as Wonder Woman washes her leg] Form of a washrag!

Reducto: Do you want to be shrunk? No one wants to be shrunk, that's the point! It's a shrink gun! Back off!
Harvey: Yeah, I think this whole thing would go away if he somehow felt appreciated.
Reducto: [paranoid music plays] Hmm, I'm scheming. This is my scheming face. First I raise this eyebrow, and then... BACK OFF!

[Apache Chief grows and fills the courtroom]
Mightor: [smiling] Chief got his teepee back. Case dismissed.

Shaggy Busted[edit]

[Music, laughter]
Shaggy: [to Scooby] Will you be cool?
Officer: Turn the music off, please.
Shaggy: Sure thing officer.
Officer: Where you headed tonight?
Shaggy: Like there’s this green monster, officer, sneaking around at the old cotton mill, we’re headed out there to meet the gang and, like, try to catch it. [Laughs]
Officer: A green monster?
Shaggy: [Laughs] Yeah! A real fattie man.
Officer: Uh, you were driving a little erratic back there.
Scooby: [Shaggy laughing] reah, rokay.
Officer: Just step out of the van please.
Shaggy: Punch it! [starts driving away, officer starts shooting]

[A candidate for the clerk position enters Harvey's office]
Harvey: Take a seat.
Peanut: Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?
Harvey: How 'bout we start with your name?
Peanut: Peanut
Harvey: Uh-huh So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed
Peanut: Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant
Harvey: Baltimization?
Peanut: Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".
Harvey: Really?
Peanut: Mmm. You know
Harvey: Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?
Peanut: Actually, I believe I was fired from that job
Harvey: Oh?
Peanut: Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.

Harvey: So consider that your first lesson in lawyering, clerk. [Peanut stares at him blankly] The job. It's yours. Congratulations
Peanut: Well gosh, that's great. Do I get a gun?
Harvey: Sure!

Fred: We've got a bit of a problem, the gang and I.
Harvey: [to Peanut] Gang stuff. Listen up. What happened?
Fred: Last night, we were at this old abandoned cotton mill, and-
Harvey: I know. One of your homies took one in the bo-bo.
Fred: No. Actually, Shaggy and Scooby were arrested. It was awful.
Harvey: Now you see why banging doesn't pay? I'll take the case! But first [Grabs hold of Fred's ascot] you're gonna have to lose the colors.

Velma: I know the way it looks, Mr. Birdman, but that's just the way they are.
Daphne: They always act that way
Peanut: [to Daphne] Oooh. Sprechen ze sexy.
Harvey: You mean those boys weren't...
Guard: [to someone offscreen] Hi!
Fred: Nope, they're just stupid.

[Spyro performing a medieval reenactment of Shaggy and Scooby getting pulled over]
Actor 1: Good eve sirs. Knowest thou why I've asked thee to tarry?
Actor 2: My leave sir no. Hath we some wrong... done?
Actor 1: Step out of thy wagon!
Actor 3: Shaggy, take flight! Its the devilish apparition!
[Horse rears, and then farts, ending the scene. Audience applauses with a baroque piece playing in the background]

Harvey: There are two lives that depend on me giving the performance of my life in court tomorrow.
Bartender: Scotch?
Harvey: Hell, yeah! Let's get stinko!


Death By Chocolate[edit]

Phil:: Defend the bear, Birdman. And don't forget, I'll be keeping my eyes on you.
Harvey: Eye.
Phil:: I didn't know you were Scottish!

Harvey: [sitting at desk] Peanut. Give me a psych profile on Boo Boo Bear. [presses button on intercom] Debbie, we're gonna need some law books, with pictures this time. [turns to Avenger] Avenger, start taking depositions. [stands up in a dramatic stance] All right, lets go people
[Avenger and Peanut stare at him blankly]
Harvey: Everyone turn around. [turns around and begins breathing into a paper bag] I'm going to my calm place. I'm going to my calm place. I'm going to my calm place.

Reducto:: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This... animal, here, this ursine fellow - UNCLEAN! - He rejected society and retreated to a cave in the woods to plot his vile, [points his shrink-ray at the jurors] NOD! Nod at what I am saying or I will shoot!

Reducto:: Please tell the court what you're holding.
Dr. Quincy:: It's the Cookie Bouqueter's Manifesto.
Reducto:: Did you find anything, unusual about it?
[creepy music plays as the camera closes in on Reducto's face]
Reducto:: Aside from the fact that it's filled with... paranoid delusions?

Harvey: So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government.
Reducto: That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.
Harvey: What?
Reducto: I'm not prosecuting
Harvey: Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?
Reducto: Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.
Harvey: Hm. The jukebox?
Reducto: No! [pulls out a complicated schematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.
[The words "An AOL/Time Warner Co." appear on the bar's sign.]
Harvey: Myron, Myron!
Reducto: The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency
[The bartender walks over]
Reducto: [Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!
Harvey: One currency? [laughs]
Bartender: Your tab.
Harvey: Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.

Harvey: Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?
Boo Boo: Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary... but that's just one little bear's opinion.
Harvey: A cute, fuzzy little bear. [smiles at jury] The defense rests.

Shoyu Weenie[edit]

Manager: Oi. [subtitle:They stole our song.]

Harvey: Hmmm. It says here that if a person's not married by the time he's 35, he's got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater.

Phil: Now close your eyes and fall back.
Harvey: When I was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl
Phil: That's it. Let me cradle you.
Harvey: She landed flat on her back
Phil: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Harvey: And then everyone started laughing because she was fat.
Phil: Fall you bastard!

Peanut: Yo, Bird. Shoyu Weenie.
Harvey: You know them?
Peanut: Sure. [sings] "Banaaanas. Ice creaamy. Veg-e-ta-ble. Steam steeaaamy!"

Band member: [speaks Japanese] [subtitle: Do you think we have a chance?]
Harvey: [nods] Hakujin. [subtitle: White Guy]

Band Member:[in japanese] I'm hungry.
Harvey: Aren't you cute. Here's a football. An American football.
[Hands the band member a football with "Made In China" on the side]

Harvey: So, you are a musical group correct?
Neptunes: Sure!
Jabberjaw: ... Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Mentok: Oh for God's sakes...you, the shark. No more from you today, okay?
Harvey: Who writes your music?
Neptunes member: Someone with something yummy in his tummy?
Mentok: [to steinographer] Those guys over there, they're gonna lose this one. Pretty sure of it. No, I know it.
Harvey: And before you answer this next question, let me remind you that you swore [pulls out a giant Bible] ON A BIBLE to tell the truth here today. [throws it away] So, tell us [points above] AND GOD, where the song 'Lovely Lovely' came from? HE'D like to know.
Neptunes member: Uh, we don't know.
Harvey: Nothing further.

Harvey: All's fair in love and bouncey-bouncey!

Reducto: I missed you last night. At the bar. Where you said you were going to meet me. THAT bar. [starts jumping as if he's grossed out] I touched a public phone to call you. AND YOU WEREN'T THERE!!

Mentok: We don't borrow, we don't read, we don't rent, we don't lease, we take the minds. So, in conclusion, we are...?
Bailiff: [deadpan] Takers?
Mentok: Yes. [musses up the bailiff's hair] Who's the smartest boy in the court today? Who's the smartest boy in the court?
Bailiff: [deadpan] Me?
Mentok: [throws a dog treat in front of him]

[to Gail Melody]
Mentok: Listen, I already know...
[Mentok's theme music starts up]
Mentok: BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING! I'M MENTOK, THE MI--
[music abruptly runs down]
Mentok: ...that you're not doing anything tonight, but... What are you doing tonight?
Harvey & Reducto: OBJECTION!

The Dabba Don[edit]

Phil Ken Sebben: Do you know what this means to the firm?! The billable hours?! I can finally build that lake house, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha... dangly parts.

Mentok: Sorry I'm late all but I just got the phone call to come over... I mean, I was just summoned by the spheres! [Imitates Theremin] anyway they said go to 101, we can't find the other guy. When your Broca's a broka? My god, man, get a writer!

[a bird with a strangely shaped beak testifies against Fred Flintstone]
Can Opener: The guy's a pig; a Neanderthal.
Fred: You're dead to me, can opener!

Evelyn Spyro Throckmorton: [Spoken word parody of Flinstones' theme song] Flinstones. Meet, the Flinstones. They're the mobbish, stone-age family. From the, villa, of Bedrock, they're a page right out of Godfather III. When we, try, Fred Flinstone, yes he's gonna do hard time, oh yeah, he'll do time, a lot of jaaaaiiil time.

Harvey Birdman: Who are you
Fred Flintstone: I told ya I'm Frond Fernstone, Botanist and....
[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]
Harvey Birdman: Who are you?
Fred Flintstone: Bird Flintmock, rodeo rider....
[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]
Fred Flintstone: I'm Anne Heche.
[Peanut hits Fred with twice a large mallet]
Fred Flintstone: Wilma, Honey what's going on?
Pebbles: Dada! Dada!

Fred Flintstone: Marone! Will you clean this child [Pebbles]. She smells like dinosaur doodoo!

Harvey: [After being kissed by Thundarr the Barbarian] Wow, that's a man kiss.

Deadomutt, Part 1[edit]

Falcón: Gracias.
Phil: Ha ha... sissy European lisp thingy.

Phil: [Looking at Falcón]: I think I can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before. [Looks at Harvey Birdman]. Not this. This is something here before NOT we have.

Deadomutt, Part 2[edit]

Harvey: Step off, Holmes!
Peanut: Oh, I was trying, just trying to talk about your tattoo.
Harvey: You wouldn't last two minutes in my world!

Harvey: 12 Jurors. 1 Judge. 1/2 a chance

X, the Eliminator[edit]

Phil: I need your...uh, help.
Harvey: Really.
Phil: On my way to work I hit a guy...
Harvey: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
Phil: ...every day this week.
Harvey: Oh... any witnesses?
Phil:: Some kids.
Harvey: Nobody believes kids!
Phil: And a nun.
Harvey: Nobody believes nuns!
Phil: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
Harvey: I'll take the case.
Phil: And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Harvey: YES!
Phil: Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.
Harvey: Oh.

X, The Eliminator: Birdman! Prepare to meet thy fate!
Harvey: Thy?

Debbie: Your lunch appointment is here... for tomorrow.
[Harvey looks at his watch that says 9:00]

[awkward silence]
X and Harvey at the same time: Coffee!

X, The Eliminator: Yes, it is I; X, the Eliminator, and only I can rid you of this scourge; Birdman.
FEAR Member 1: What is your price?
X, The Eliminator: One million dollars
FEAR Member: It is agreed; we will give you the money, and in exchange you will bring us the crest of Birdman
X, The Eliminator: ....thats it? for that amount of money I thought I'd have to.. well, y'know; kill him.
FEAR Member 1: Oh, God no.
FEAR Member 2: What are you? Crazy?


Season 2[edit]

Blackwatch Plaid[edit]

Secret Squirrel: "Never fear, madam, Secret Squirrel has just what you need right here!" [woman screams] "Wait! I didn't even pull it out yet!"

Phil:[searching for his keys] Let's see. Gum wrapper... pocket lint... lighter... ooo flamethrower... ring of power... don't know what that is... roll of quarters, wait that's not roll of...ah, here they are. [trying to put the key in the keyhole] Okay... all right... here we go... and opening... on one... next time... spatial relationships... okey doke... come to papa... male end, female end... [opens door].
[Dramatic music sting]
Phil: My office! Burgled, plundered, purloined! Ha ha ha... loins.

Phil: Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?
Peanut: You hid the interns?
Phil: Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a piano there.
Phil: Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--
Phil: Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppresive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand colour-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

Reducto: Don't you know? Every cellular phone, no matter how small. No matter how perfectly tiny and minature. [paranoid music starts] Every month a new one, smaller and smaller but somehow more powerful, crammed with more amazingly clever but needless features that... I'm sorry, I believe I got offpoint.

Reducto: Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.
Harvey: Umm...
Reducto: Hello. Mail bomb.
Harvey: Uh, heh... um...
Reducto: Assassination.
Harvey: Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...
Reducto: Fertilizer.
Harvey: ...I'm almost out of minutes.
Reducto: Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.
Harvey: See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!
Phil: [overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.

Phil:Also, I've noticed a couple of you have slipped back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow managed to control your bowels, which means I have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert level a couple of notches to... BLACKWATCH PLAID! Oh and I'm gonna have to take some more drastic security measures, like uh...I don't know, installing a camera in the ladies room.
Peanut: Ooh, me likey the oppressive totalitarianism.


Trio's Company[edit]

Harvey: My client, a private investigator...
Mentok: Colloquially known as a...?
Harvey: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?
Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say, "dick."
Mentok: Which would make you an...?
Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs] Inch-high dick.

Inch-High, Private Eye: [has just been enlarged to a normal-sized human being] Be right back!
[Cut to Inch-High in line at an amusement park with a sign reading, "you must be this tall to ride"]
Inch-High, Private Eye: Again.
Amusement park worker: Please step onto the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: I'm sorry, what?
Amusement park worker: Get on the ride, sir.
Inch-High, Private Eye: Again.
Inch-High, Private Eye: [Back in the courthouse with a giant stuffed bunny] As I was saying...

Gigi: [emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!
Phil: You sure did!
Harvey: Ha, aha...
Phil: Multiple entendre.
Gigi: Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!
Harvey: Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?
Phil: Your desk lamp. Here.
Potamus: [emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?

Reducto: BIRDMAN! That little man... where is he? I must find him. Find him and destroy him! He's so... perfectly miniature. I hate him.
[Birdman starts slapping Reducto]
Reducto: I love him. [slap] I hate him. [slap] I love him, AND hate him! [falls to Birdman's knees crying, Inch High peeks out of Birdman's pants] Oh, please, Birdman, put it away. I like the little hat, though. Tres chic.

[Inch-High takes off his towel in the sauna]
Phil: Ha ha, not to scale.

Mentok: Let's see here, ARBITRATION. [High voice]Thats for people who are too teeny to go to court, teeny wiennie, peenie.

The Devlin Made Me Do It[edit]

Devlin: Ever hear of "imitatable acts"?
Harvey: Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.

Harvey: [while looking for genitalia on Avenger] Peanut, have you ever seen any 'thingies' on Avenger? Swingy thingies?
Mightor: Deedleleedlelee.

Harvey: [after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!
Peanut: Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]

Phil Ken Sebben: That reminds me, Birdman! You're Fi...Ernie Devlin?
Devlin: Yo?
Phil Ken Sebben: It's me, Phil! Ken! Seb...Ben...Phil.

Devlin: Is it hot in here... or was I just engulfed in flames? And broads?


High Speed Buggy Chase[edit]

Harvey: So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.
Funky Phantom: That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!
Harvey: [laughs] We're trying.
Funky Phantom: And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?
Peanut: Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.

Phil: [regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?
Harvey: Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.
Phil:You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.
Harvey: Plus, I don't think he understands English.
Phil: Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!
Harvey: [now has a white stain on his shoulder]
Phil: Nope! I think he understands plenty!

Reducto: [to Avenger at his going-away party] So. Twenty years, huh?
Avenger: Caw.
[long silence]
Potamus: This blows! Who's up for a Hooter's run?
Bear: *grunt*
Potamus: What? Hooter's? For the bird? It's an owl reference!
Reducto: Big bosoms make me nauseous.

Funky Phantom: (rapping) My name is Funky! But if you funk with me, you'll take a one-way ride in my SUV!
Yo Yo Yo, old Betsy Ross, when she grabs Old Glory, and she takes it off!
Run me up a flagpole then my snake salutes, but don't tread on me with your hobnail boots!
Don't think I'm funky? Republipunk-ass bitch! You say I'm old ghost white? Well, you can suck... my...

SPF[edit]

Debbie (over intercom): A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]
Harvey: [Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!
Mightor: [On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.
Ding-a-ling: Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]
Ding-a-ling: ...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!
Peanut: You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."

Harvey: The man's good name. When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Dingaling...
[pause]
Mentok: What?... oh. Oh! you were expecting a joke there. Too easy! Now, if he'd been Peter Peckapickle von Peenie, née Peter Peenie Peckerpickle; Waldo Lang Schnitzeldong; or Sarah Plain-and-Tall - any of those - then we got something! Ha ha ha! Oooooo Weeeee Oooooooooo Weeeeeee-nie.

Harvey: Your name was hijacked by a website as well?
Hi Riser: Yes. Yes, it was.
Harvey: Tell us the name of that site.
Hi Riser: Hi Riser dot com.
Harvey: And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more. Many more. I give you: Big Duke, Bigger Duke, Kwicky, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluid Man...
Peanut: [aside] That would be eww...
Harvey: ...Dirty Dawg, Mother Load, and Galtar.
[The Gallery looks confused]
Harvey: ...and his Golden Lance.
[The Gallery gasps]

Peanut: Bling-bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!
Harvey: It didn't last as long this time.
Peanut: Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.
Harvey: Gimme the French Stuff.
Peanut: Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!
Harvey: OK OK OK! How much?
Peanut: You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.
Harvey: [tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!
Peanut: And lunch money.
Harvey: But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....
Peanut: You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.
Harvey: Money. Money. I'll get the money!
[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up. After seeing Harvey, the man drives off]
Harvey: Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!
[The man takes Magilla Gorilla, also a prostitute in drag]

Back to the Present[edit]

Jane: Hard day at the button, dear?.
George: Oh, it was brutal...brutal! I had to push the button on and off five times. That Spacely's a slavedriver.

Phil:[slaps Orbity] YOU HUSSY! YOU CHEATING COB!
[Orbity whimpers]

Priest:[in the year 4063 A.P., everyone is worshiping potamus] I got that THING, he sent me!

Phil: They came to anally probe me!! HA HA! Third kind.


Grape Juiced[edit]

Harvey: Pleased to meet your Mr. ...
[Laugh-O-Lympics committee member grabs Harvey's stapler, putting it in his pocket]
Harvey: My stapler seems to have fallen into your...
Phil: Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laugh-O-Lympics, Birdman.

Doctor: [With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!
Peanut: Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]
[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]
Harvey: Thank you.
Doctor: It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!
[Phil with two monk like men.]
Phil: CANNIBALS!!

Potamus: GiGi! You look absolutely...[GiGi turns around and Potamus notices she's pregnant] Gotta run.

Reducto: I've met the un-shrinkable!

Peanut Puberty[edit]

Phil: I'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual... Ha ha ha! Bi! Sebben & Sebben Board of Director's meeting.

Phil: [opens the door for Doggy Daddy]
Doggy Daddy: Just tell me what you want me to do.
Phil: [stands there silently]
Doggy Daddy: [tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]

Phil: [humping Doggy Daddy] I'm the alpha male! I AM THE ALPHA MALE!

Gone Efficien...t[edit]

Phil: Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.
Harvey: Interesting name. Norweg...?
Dvd: Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.
Phil: Brllnt!

[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]
Phil: [over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
Harvey: One sheet?!
Phil: Repeat: One sheet per visit.
Potamus: [appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Mentok: Mr. Birdman, you clearly have something on your mind, know how I know tha-
Harvey: Yeah yeah, Mind-taking
Mentok: WATCH YOUR TONE WITH ME MR. MAN... BIRD... THING!

Phil: Hey, Dvd, What if we just combine the urinal and the water fountain? [unzips his pants, causing the guy drinking from the fountain to spit out water]

Phil: Harvey, it's come to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper. You're wasting a ply!

Phil: If it's yellow, leave it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down... maybe.

Droopy Botox[edit]

Phil: Wait a minute! VP's don't piddle with the piffle. You're an executive!
Black Vulcan: In your pants?
Phil: To the executive pissoir!

[Harvey and Phil enter a toilet that looks like a palace.]
Harvey: Wow.
Phil: Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.
[Lady appears and starts rubbing Phil's shoulders.]
Harvey: Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?
Phil: Nothing like gold on gold
Harvey: You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...
Phil: Backrub.
Harvey: Backrub?
[Man appears and starts rubbing Harveys shoulders.]
Harvey: Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right
Phil: You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.
Harvey: It didn't?
Phil: Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.

Phil: Ha ha ha, Noses on dowels.

Blue Falcon: Senior, have faith if you could do me a favor.
Birdman: Sure.
Blue Falcon: Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.
Birdman: Sorry?
Blue Falcon: Expectorate, como se dice? Spitting?

Guitar Control[edit]

Quickdraw: "The right of the people to keep and bear arms," Mr. Birdman, "shall not be infringed."
Harvey: Wait, I've heard that.
Quickdraw: Second Amendment.
Harvey: Oh, yeah.

Harvey: Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.
[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Antonin Scalia, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Reducto: Don't look at me!
[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

[Phil's Presidential Campaign commercial, starts with song about how he's "seen almost half of America" with a video of a stripper dancing]
Phil: I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.
Narrator: Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.
Phil: [Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.
Narrator: Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.


Season 3[edit]

Booty Noir[edit]

[Harvey is reading Wally Gator's case file]
Harvey: Operating a speedboat in protected waters... Operating a speedboat while firing a weapon... Operating a speedboat while operating a twelve pack...So, he's pretty much being charged for -
Phil: Being a redneck. Yep.

Phil: Baruch ata HaShem Elokainu Melech HaOlam...
Harvey: What just happened?
Bear : *grunt*
Phil: You're a bounty hunter, silly
Harvey: A bounty hunter?
Phil: One last thing. There's a reward, dead or alive. Just bring him back in... err... in four pieces or less. Watch out for the tail!

Harvey: Mr. Gator! I'm your attorney and I would love to come inside and...
[loud explosion, sheep bleating]
Harvey: Uh... For you to come outside so we can discuss your case in a civilised manner. Litigator to... alligator.

Wally Gator: OK, I'm coming out! Y'all gonna tackle me?
Police: A lil' bit.
Wally Gator: Aw, sh**...

Phil: Huh, I thought that a gator only ate what it killed.
Wally Gator: Not when it's $2.99 a pound at the Costco!

Reducto: I've got a device...a body reshaper.
Norlissa: A device? For the booty?
Reducto: Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!
Norlissa: Is it safe?
Reducto: It's patented in Sweden.
Norlissa: How much does it cost?
Reducto: FREE! I mean, it's free.
Norlissa: Well all right, when can I make an appointment?
Reducto: I have an opening right now. Turn around.
Norlissa: You're gonna do it right here!?
Reducto: It's out-patient! BACK OFF!
[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']
Reducto: Lord help me.
[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]
Norlissa: Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!
Reducto: Oh, speak for yourself!

Reducto: [in bed whimpering] I don't know quite what you're expecting but I must confess. This is my first time.
Norlissa: You're right, baby. It is your first time. 'Cause until you've been with Norlissa, you haven't done it right.

Black Vulcan: [to Norlisa] So! You've got a new man! Is that what it is? Baby...WHOO!! You lose your gym membership or something? I like 'em big, but mm...
Norlisa: What?! When's the last time you went to the gym?! Look at that big old gut on you that looks like one big ab!

Harvey: Mr Gator ... [Wally Gator breaths menacengly, Harvey steps back], tell the court in your own words what you do each day
Wally Gator: Well ..., I fish and hunt, then I watch NASCAR. yep.
Harvey: Things have been harder lately?
Wally Gator: Oh sure have! All these chain stores sprung up all over the place
Harvey: And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfising in the swamp?
Wally Gator: Manatees [Switch to projecting slides where Wally shreds a manatee with his speedboat fan]. Don't see why the laws protecting them! Ain't nothin but floatin' meatsacks! [Court in surprise, deputy zips up pants] . Huh, federal government has NO BUSINESS tellin me how I should live MY LIFE!!!
Mightor: [Catering liquor from a reflux still] Heh, preach!!!

Phil: Take downs are worth two points.
[A bra lands on one of the monks.]
Phil: Ummm... Three if you're topless.
Monk: I see...

Harvey's Civvy[edit]

Peanut: Some 'un got a summons.

Harvey: I'm being sued! Right?
Peanut: Yeah... I think that's fair to say.
Harvey: Quick, I need a lawyer!
Peanut: ... Wait...
Harvey: I need a good lawyer!

Shado: Fools! I am SHADOOOO THE BRAIIINNN THIEF!

Potamus: SAVANA! Who's ready for some lap candy?
Shado: I will have the Cobb salad.
Potamus: Nonsense! Will have four blooming onions and the full slab of baby backs. For the table!
Shado: I am no longer eating pork. (talking) I just telepathically communicated that I am no longer eating pork.

Harvey: [whispering, having seen several costumed villains in courtroom] What's going on?
Potamus: ...Pride Weekend?
Mentok: [appearing in chair] Hippo, bird and...who are you?
Shado: SHADOOOOO THE BRAIN THIEF...
Mentok: Oh, no you don't. No "brain thieving" in my courtroom, you understand?. This is mind taking country, partner. You got it? Good.

Shado: All part of a class action suit against this supposed "hero."...
Harvey to Potamus: Class action suit! And your opening statement was about that thing you sent them?
Potamus: [points at large chested court reporter] Check out the ha-has on Miss Stenopad.

Prof. Nightshade: Look, I'm Professor Nightshade. PROFESSOR Nightshade, I don't care who you are, you show a professor a little respect. You don't just shoot him 5-no wait (looks into his pants and nods as he counts) fi-no six, six! times in the nads!

Mentok: More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?
Potamus: Nah, we're done
Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand
Potamus: I... call... Shado... to.. the.. stand... Now what?
Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the quesion
Potamus: Uhh... did you...
Mentok: Go on.
Potamus: Did.. you.. get.. that.. thing I sent ya?
Shado: The thing you sent? I'm sure I did. One moment...
Mentok: And how long did they have to respond, Mr Potamus?
Potamus: 2 weeks.
Mentok: Oh, and lets see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!
Shado: But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How did you...
Mentok: Know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! YA KNOW WHAT WE CALL THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!
Harvey: So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?
Mentok: Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!

Potamus: I can't feel my leg! My third leg!

X Gets the Crest[edit]

Peanut: Hello? Western Union? Are you in?
Birdman: Huh? Oh.. Oh no, I'm out of chips!
X: Maybe, there's something else of value you can bet?
Birdman: What?
X: Like, the CCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEESSSSTTT on Birdman's helmet!

Peanut: Whaddya got?
X: Uh... Four. Kings. [pause] I WIN! I WIN! I WIN I WIN I WIN! [Dashes out the door, singing] Hey mister passer-by, CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HELMET! [Birdman's cell phone rings and he answers it, it is X] I WON!

X: [runs out of his room] LIGHT-UP CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
[Scene cuts to Harvey's office. X runs in]
X: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELMET!!!

Reducto: Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took a... DON'T YOU MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR!... an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public's... YOUR LEGS! STOP MOVING YOUR LEGS!... safety. But in the end he caused more property damage, more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was...
[Ricohet Rabbit starts bouncing around the courtroom]
Reducto: [Jumping around and firing his shrink gun] Ah! You see? This is just the sort of reckless endangerment of which I speak! Ahhhh!

Birdman: And if I fire this, it should stun him enough so I can retrieve my...
Peanut: Crest?
Birdman: YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!
[a pregnant pause]
Peanut: Okay, that was creepy.

Mentok: Oh, you do, do you?
[X pops up in the background]
X: The evil-do that I do do.

X: See, that lighting guy didn't do me any favors.
Zardo: I think you look very good, I do think...
X: I wonder if this was my 15.
Zardo: No, No. Look at you. You're fantastic on television. You should be on television.
X: It's occurred to me.

X: (singing) Hey, Mr. Passer-by! Crest on Birdman's helmet!

Birdgirl of Guantanomole[edit]

Phil: Everyone, it's Take Phil's Daughter To Work Day.
Peanut: I hereby volunteer to show her the interior of every supply closet.

[Phil Ken Sebben introduces his daughter]
Phil: Judy thinks she's interested in a law career. Ha ha ha! Pfft.
Judy: That's right, and I've been particularly interested in your work, Mr. Birdman.
Harvey: Really?
[Phil slaps Harvey with his mug, but appears across the room in the next frame]
Phil: Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy touchy, no rubby rubby patty, and no looky looky touchy.
Peanut: Sucky.

Phil: I'm no Fred Flinstone, but I'm gonna make your bed-rock!

Birdgirl: Daddy!!!
Phil: Ooh, that's hot! Say it again!

Harvey: That's it, you can't hang around anymore! This is not a game! Someone could have died back there, before any billable services were rendered.

Reducto: Mr. Mole, please show us your uniform.
Morocco Mole: My uniform?
Reducto: The Geneva Convention states that only those in uniform are considered soldiers.
Harvey: Objection, he isn't even wearing any pants.
Reducto: Exactly.
Phil: Neither am I. Is that a crime?
Mentok: Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

Turner Classic Birdman[edit]

Falcon Seven: Birdman, we need your help! Reducto threatens the entire populace and demands to see you.
Birdman: I have no choice but to go to him.
Falcon Seven: Actually, before you go there I was wondering if you could swing by here first.
Birdman: Why? What is it?
Falcon Seven: Well, I can't move my right arm. Uhhh… Ghaa! Ooh-ahh, grhaa, guh-OOOY-guh-gah! Nope. Could be lockjaw.
Birdman: I'll be right there, Falcon Seven, after I deal with Reducto.
Falcon Seven: [mumbled through increasingly immoble teeth] Wait, Birdman! I said come here first!

Reducto: [while being shot with his shrink gun] Oh, sweet teensy bliss; goodbye, large world!

Mentok: You're no longer in control of your mind, and your wings are missing too.
Harvey: I am no longer in control of my mind, and my wings are missing too.
Mentok: Ehh, you don't have to repeat what I'm saying.
Harvey: I don't have to repeat what you're saying.
Mentok: I mean it stop it.
Harvey: I mean it stop it... You mean it stop it
Mentok: Okay, lets try this: you only do it when I say "Mentok Says," okay?
Harvey: [is silent]
Mentok: Okay, good.
Harvey: Okay, good.
Mentok: I didn't say "Mentok says."
Harvey: You didn't say..

Falcon Seven: Birdman! A madman has stolen a sensitive military test rocket!
Birdman: But Falcon Seven, I'm decoupaging! If I leave now, it may bubble!
Falcon Seven: We need you, Birdman!
Birdman: Auuggghhh!

Falcon Seven: Birdman! A madman is causing earthquakes!
Birdman: Auuggghhh!
Falcon Seven: Birdman! A pirate is looting some booty! ... A neanderthal is leaving doody! ... A drag queen is singing some Judy!... A mad scientist is freez… [gets frozen mid-sentence, then Birdman thaws him out] ...Ha ha ha! Ing!

Birdman: That's it, Falcon Seven! I quit!
Falcon Seven: Quit, and do what?
Birdman: I don't know, a regular job, like normal people have, a desk job with normal clothes and regular work, work you get paid for…
[cut to present day]
Phil: [over intercom] Birdman, get in here! A Mr. Peebles is suing Mr. Dibble!
Birdman: Sigh!
Robert Osborne: And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and, of course, the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.

Beyond the Valley of the Dinosaurs[edit]

Grok: An oracle foretold of a pink feathered man-bird coming from the sky to bring pestilence and death upon our tribe. You bad chinga, brother.

Potamus: Sentcha decrees a feast and an orgy... Hell, an orgy sexy feast.
Grok: That's Prince's best album.

Harvey: I'm not even pink! It's the spa terry!

Phil: I'm not a marriage counselor, but I do have this whip.

Harvey: You speak English?!
Grok: Why wouldn't I? Yet another cultural stereotype...
Harvey: No, it's just that, uh, the dinosaurs and the grunting and all... where did you learn...?
Grok: Three semesters at CSU-Long Beach.
Cavemen: GO, NINERS!

Evolutionary War[edit]

Harvey: Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey: Um... Evolution?
[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...

Reducto: Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you... do you think you're descended from... apes? From filthy animals, covered in fur, hair everywhere on their body? Hair that grows back even if we spend hours each day removing one by one any offending follicle from our face or chest or worse, back? With tweezers or dare I say more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing? FULL BRAZILIAN!

[Harvey is in a stall in the bathroom]
Birdman: [sighs]
Potamus: That you Birdman?
Birdman: You know, now is not a great time.
Potamus: Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?
Birdman: No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I never gotten that thing you sent me and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever once sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me, EVER, I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]
Potamus: [wimpers]
Birdman: Ho, hey. I'm, I'm sorry.
Potamus: [cries out]
Birdman: I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.
Potamus: [bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT HIM!

Free Magilla[edit]

Phil: Mopey, mopey hippo!

Phil: [showing the triplets how to tie a knot] The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, sees a lady rabbit and invites her back to the waren, but then remembers he's married, so he takes a detour to that little motel out on the interstate.
Spewie: What else can you teach us Mr. Phil?
Phil: Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?
[the triplets cheer]
Phil: Alright. Lesson number 1, choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me, has to be realistic, now.
[Potamus falls over choking in the background]

Return of Birdgirl[edit]

Potamus: Shhh... Shhh... Birdman, Shhh... Shhh... Shhent ya
Harvey: But I don't know what I'm doing.
Potamus: Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closly to what I'm about to say to you.
Harvey: Okay...
Potamus: Promise you're going to listen to these words with all your heart.
Harvey: Okay.
Potamus: Do you have inside you here...?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need in life that will guide you through it all?
Harvey: Yes?
Potamus: Do you have that one thing...?
Harvey: What thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!
Potamus: It's that thing... that I sent... to you.

Mindless[edit]

Spyro: So, Mr. Dum-Dum, please tell us what happened on the morning of the 24th.
Dum-Dum: Der, well, it was a Thursday. Thursday's the garbage day in our house.
Mentok: [in his head] This is my life. This... is what it's come to. Off the charts IQ, best schools in the galaxy, and I'm stuck here with Butter-Boob (Dum-Dum) and Nit-Snicky (Sypro).

Mentok: [To the dog and Spyro, who have swapped minds] You two, scat. I wanna lock up.
Dog: I'll bite you on the ass. Growl.
Mentok: Fine, I'll switch you back, spoilsport. Booweeoop.
[an unearthy voice utters 'MENTOK' as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]
Mentok: [Points to Spyro] You, speak. [Spyro barks] Uh,oh and you? [dog barks]

Spyro: [With the mind of a child] I had a bad dream. I wanna' sleep with you!
Mentok: [Grinning] Who doesn't?

Mentok: Y'know, two dates...two nights...people will start a-talkin'. Are you comfortable?
Gigi: Not with these clothes on. They're so tight and...clothesy.
[Gigi rips off her dress]
Mentok: [grinning] This is why I came to Earth [shakes fist at sky] Take that, Momtok!

Mentok: All right. Your judge had a frustrating, frustrating night last night so I'd appreciate it if everybody just played nicey-nice.

Mentok: Eeney, meenie, miney, MINDSWAP!

Sebben and Sebben Employee Orientation[edit]

Voice over: Sebben and Sebben gives back to the community in a number of ways, our support of the arts featuring the annual Sebben and Sebben Shakespeare festival
[Phil is is alone on a stage, dressed as Hamlet.]
Phil: To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]
Voice over: And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.

[Explaining the five steps to success at Sebben & Sebben]
Voice over: Identifying that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Setting your sights on that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Reaching for that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] That thing...
Voice over: Getting that thing.
Potamus: [echoing] You get that thing?
Voice over: Recognition for getting that thing
Potamus: [echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.

[Sebben & Sebben Motto - Printed on handy key fob]
Putting clients first by putting employees first. Immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibility and leveraging profitability toward exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.

[7 Habits of Highly Flatulent People]
Denial, Acceptance, Getting There, Cover-up, Solutions, Reforms, Exploiting your Talents

Phil: You ever seen It's a Wonderful Life? Even that Bailey bastard couldn't screw this up!

Elliott: These will be your office supplies: pencil sharpeners, two; three-hole punch, two; shredders, two; staples, two; stapler, one — oh, crap! — folders, two; paper clips, two. You'll get two of everything. Don't tell me two of some things is too much and two of other things are "too little"! I don't care, for I am the Deadly Duplica...
Voice-over: (cutting him off) Proper conduct...

Phil: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. I was busy counting my large sums of money. Ever get a paper cut from a $7,000 bill? Doesn't tickle. But you'll never have to worry about that!

[Sexual Harassment Section]
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh, gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The correct way is...
Peanut: (to two girls) Hi, I'm Peanut. You can be butter, and, oh gosh, I guess you'll be jelly and, this is just off the top of my head, how 'bout a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? What'dya say?
Voice over: The difference? This time, he's unplugged the security camera in the corner, which means there's no evidence of this encounter.

Identity Theft[edit]

[Harvey has a stack of documents to be copied]
Harvey: Morning! Can I really get this in an hour?
Elliott: Yes, sir. We'll have it done in two hours.
Harvey: Ah, okay! Great! Two hours!
Elliott: Come on back in four hours and we'll have it all ready for you.

Elliott: Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Baffacch! Baffacch! Just the latest in a long series of duplication slights. [Cut to a photo shop] First, there was his ridiculous refusal to accept the second set of photo prints.
Clerk #1: Want twin shots?
Harvey: One print's fine.
Elliott: [in a video rental store] Then...
Elliott: Do you have Double Indemnity?
Clerk #2: [pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.
Elliott: Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.
[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]
Elliott: Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge—getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott—two l's and two t's. I have two of everything, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!

Elliott: (thinking) His boss didn't manage to rid the world of the scourge of Birdman. I must make more copies of him to shoot, and this time he will eliminate the real Birdman.
X: Chose another verb, buddy!
Elliott: (thinking) Oh, ah sorry. He will kill the real Birdman.
X: Better.

Harvey Birdmans: I/we know what you've been up to, Elliott, or should I say "the Deadly Duplicator". Your reproductive days are over!
Hiram Mightor [quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.
Elliott: We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.

Phil: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe, and from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip-malls should be. Cookies on dowels. All those moments lost in time; gone like eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die.


Season 4[edit]

Mufti Trouble[edit]

Mentok: What's the meaning of this? This is my quiet time.
Hiram Mightor: We're going to have to take you into custody.
Mentok: Ha ha. That's outrageous. What am I charged with?
Hiram Mightor: Don't have to tell you anymore. Clearly you haven't been reading your Scalia.

Harvey: You're a genie?
Mentok: Used to be a genie. I was also a sex worker, a Cossack, and an EST instructor for a summer in Marin. My point? I'm in jail, you idiot! Look, Shazzan has everyone fooled. He's trying to pin it on me.
Harvey: So, we'll...we'll just go to the judge and tell him your story.
Mentok: I'm a judge! We don't believe anything!

Potamus: [to a janitor] Regarding the talc situation—you're out of it!
Avenger: Potamus. Did you flush?
Potamus: Who said that?
Avenger: I did, fatass.

Incredible Hippo[edit]

Potamus: Oy gault. Please tell me those ain't Heisenberg Brothers Bagels. [Tramples to Harvey's desk] What kind should I have?!
Harvey Birdman: I'm uncertain.
Potamus: I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or something starchy. Oyster crackers—anything! A sammich without bread isn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands!

Phil Ken Sebben: That monster is attacking Judy!
Harvey Birdman: But Phil, he's saving her!
Phil Ken Sebben: My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.

[Phil fumbles a tranquilizer dart, which lands on his crotch]
Phil: Ha, ha, HA! Numby nutkins!

Babysitter[edit]

[Potamus has taken control of the firm and is sitting in Phil Ken Sebben's office]
Judy: Daddy?
Potamus: I love this job.
Judy: Where's daddy?
Potamus: Uh...he went on, uh...a...
[Potamus sees a billboard with 'vacation' partially replaced by 'honeymoon']
Potamus: vaca...neymoon.
Judy: Vacaneymoon? With Aunt Phyllis? He didn't say anything about--
Potamus: They eloped. Silly kids.
Judy: But elopement's for the wedding, not the vacaneymoon.
[Potamus rushes her out of the office]
Potamus: Be happy for them! It's a joyous time!
Judy: Well do you know when he'll be back? I need him to sign this...ugh Sex Ed permission slip for my community college.
Potamus: He just said co-co butter...and like that...he was gone.

Guy: Hey! You don't have the authority to hire people!
Potamus: Oh yeah? (leans out the window where below, an attractive girl walks past) Hey HA HAS! You're hired!


Birdnapped[edit]

Mary: You see, I had to give up my last job so I could take care of my mother. And then there's the lunch money that I've been sending to the African schoolchildren. So how much is my raise?
Harvey: 20%
Birdgirl: Nothing! In fact, you're fired! Ka-Downsized! You spend five hours a day Googling pictures of kittens in rain boots! Get out!
Mary: How could you DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!
Potamus: ...and the school kids.
Harvey: It was Phil!
Mary: HOW DARE YOU BLAME A DEAD MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!

Debbie: Mr.—slight retch—Birdman's office.
X: Hi, Debbie, it's me. Put me through please. [Debbie hangs up] Hello? [Redials] It's X. Uh, X the Eliminator? Yeah, I'd like to speak to Harvey if I could, please.
Debbie: No, he's booked through December. Try back next year.
X: Look! I need to talk to him, okay? It's regarding tonight's menu!
Debbie: I don't have him down for dinner.
X: I...didn't invite him yet. [Debbie hangs up again] I understand. Short notice. [Slams phone down] I hate him!
Zardo: Um, well?
X: He's not coming!

Debbie: Two things: I'm going to lunch, and the office has degraded into sectarian violence.

Grodin[edit]

Devlin: Whores are for heroes!

[X dials the number for an Evil Life Coach]
Perfectionist: Hi. I've changed my menu options, so please listen carefully. For landscaping, press one. Dog walking, press two. Nude housecleaning, press any key any time...
X: [impatiently] Come on, come on, come on...
Perfectionist: If you need an Evil Life Coach, press four.
[X presses four]
X: [awkwardly] Hi... uh, heh... Well, I saw your ad, and uh...
Voice Mail Prompt: You have... ten... seconds.
X: [frantically] PLEASE HELP ME, I'M NOT EVIL ENOUGH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! MAKE ME EVIL!

Juror in Court[edit]

Harvey: I have to call this number to find out if I have to report for jury duty (looks around, sees he is alone) Wait, who am I talking to? (Dials number, Mentok answers phone like an automated recording)
Mentok: If your number is greater than 3000...(Harvey looks at his number: 2147)...you don't have to come in tomorrow.
Harvey: Damn!
Mentok: I'm not finished.
Harvey: Oh.
Mentok: If your number is divisible by 19, you don't have to come in tomorrow
Harvey: Umm...(gets pen and paper)
Mentok: If two trains leave your number at the same time travelling at the same speed in different directions, you don't have to come in tomorrow.
Harvey: Hold on...
Mentok: If your number is 2147 or less, you don't have to come in tomorrow.
Harvey: YES!!
Mentok: Unless it IS "2147" WHICH MEANS YOU DO!! WE'LL SEE YOU AT 5:45 AM, SUCKERRRR!!!

Harvey: $27.90? But this meal voucher they gave us is only good for three dollars.
Elliott the Deadly Duplicator: (behind the counter) Ah-HA-ha-hahaha! Yes! YES! The mighty Birdman humbled by a chimichanga! Wait, that thing is $27.90? (clerk nods) Are you kidding me?! That's bullshit! He doesn't even get a fountain drink! Gimme that! (snatches voucher and duplicates it) There, now you owe him $8.10. How's that feel, huh?(Elliot exits cafe, turns left, another Elliot comes from right side of the door and jumps on counter) And what the fuck is chipotle anyway?!

The Death of Harvey[edit]

Harvey: So, your honor, the matter before you is simply—deep breath (deep breath), camera starts on Race (Avenger starts camera and focuses on Race Bannon and Benton Quest)—should a child's guardian—pan to Apache—who suffers injury at the hand of a coffee conglomerate—whip-pan to Shaggy/Scooby—be allowed to misconstrue foolish behavior (walks along the following clients) as a result of revolutionary political beliefs (Boo Boo Bear), all the while flouting copyright protection (Shoyu Weenie), RICO statutes (Fred Flintstone) and public indecency laws (Secret Squirrel), therefore encouraging discrimination (Inch High, Private Eye) and negligence (Ernie Devlin and wife) as well as the great strides we've made vis-à-vis automobile safety (Speed Buggy) and drug legislation, Second Amendment (Quick Draw McGraw)...
Birdgirl: (dropping off more clients) 26!
Harvey: ...and, er, First Amendment rights (Ding-a-Ling Wolf), working toward a positive future (The Jetsons, with Judy in full body cast), or will we devolve to a barbaric past (Grape Ape and Beegle Beagle)? Should we duck these decisions (Yakky Doodle in Grape Apes teeth) or confront them, removing all wrinkles (Droopy Dog with supermodels) and doubts...
Mentok: 16 seconds.
Harvey: Uh...it takes merely the simplest leap (Wally Gator and Ricochet Rabbit) to unearth (Morocco Mole) a distinction between savage past (Captain Caveman and Cavey Jr.) and barbarism (another caveman)...
Mentok: 4...3...
Birdgirl: (holding Top Cat and vase with Shazzan) 37 and 38! (She runs and trips over Inch High, sending them flying into Harvey's arms)
Harvey: ...laws were dictated by roll of the dice. To that I say be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!
Mentok: Don't rub that.
Harvey: I...won't.
Mentok: Are you finished?
Harvey: I think so.
Mentok: See you in a week (disappears into a cloud) BOOOO-WEEEEEOOOOO.
Harvey: Your Honor!
Mentok: What?!
Harvey: Do you have a ruling?
Mentok: Oh, that. All judgments stand as previously ordered.

Harvey: (numbers popping up) Case #398567703296...
Mentok: ...7228489273124...
Harvey: ...483395639462...
Peanut: ...8.
Birdgirl: Who is it?!
Harvey: Nitron.
Mentok: And he's not alone; I gave him the keys to the Death-Con 12 (12).
Harvey: How could you?!
Mentok: Hey, nobody's perfekt. That's spelled with a K.

Phil: No matter how many times you say that, it still gets me ro- Oh, my God! I just did the math! By "Daddy", you don't mean bend me over your knee and call the fire department because you have a flamer down there; you mean Daddy! Judy, daughter, is it you?
Everyone in the Background: Yes!
Phil: I can't believe you were trying to get into your own father's pants. Now that's just sick. And me helpless, (pointing down) with the one eye.

Phil: Ha Ha Ha! Last laugh!

Cast members[edit]

Main cast
Recurring guest stars

External Links[edit]