Numb3rs

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Numb3rs is an American television show that follows FBI Special Agent Don Eppes and his mathematical genius brother, Charlie Eppes, who develops formulae to predict the actions of various criminals.


Contents

[edit] Season One

[edit] Pilot

Charlie Eppes: Everything is numbers.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Here's a discussion: Why is it we remember the past and not the future?
Charlie Eppes: That's a tough one Larry.
Amita Ramanujan: Actually, I’m spoken for, Mr. Eppes.
Alan Eppes: Really?
Amita Ramanujan: Back in Madras my parents arranged for marriage to a family friend. Nice Hindu banker from Goa.
Charlie Eppes: Really? Getting married?
Amita Ramanujan: God, no. He’s a total ass.
Charlie Eppes: Numbers don’t lie.

[edit] Uncertainty Principle

[On P vs. NP]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know that it's considered unsolvable?
Charlie Eppes: Well, certainly people who have failed to solve it think that.
[Don and Charlie are arguing]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I'm going to go contemplate the koi pond.
Charlie Eppes: Please, understand, sometimes I can't choose what I work on. I can't follow through on a line of thinking just because I want to, or, or because it's needed. I have to work on what's in my head. And right now, this is what's in my head.
Don Eppes: I guess I was inspired by Mr. Heisenberg, just like Charlie here suggested.
Alan Eppes: Heisenberg? What do you mean, the physicist?
Don Eppes: Yeah.
Alan Eppes: Oh. Your brother goes into a dangerous confrontation, with heavily armed felons, and you prepare him with a lecture on the movement of subatomic particles.

[edit] Vector

Charlie Eppes: I’ve gone months without leaving the house.
Charlie Eppes: How do you forgive yourself if you’re wrong?
Don Eppes: You don’t. We can’t be wrong.
Charlie Eppes: Larry, have a minute?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yes. Because we all have exactly the same number of minutes at all times, do we not?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Let me ask one thing. When we met just now, was I coming or going in to the library?
Charlie Eppes: Larry, you were coming out.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [sighs] My memory is a memory. All right. [starts back inside]
Charlie Eppes: [yells] Larry, you were coming out.
Don Eppes: I mean, I’m just trying to get my head around the fact that my little brother consulted on an NSA issue that went high enough up for you to call the Assistant Director by his first name.

[edit] Structural Corruption

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: One student even said I’m out of touch in cutting-edge thinking in multi-dimensional theory. That one alone kept me up at night.
Charlie Eppes: I once had a girl in my combinatorics seminar tell me that I was disorganized and I talked too fast.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: That's an accurate observation, actually.
Don Eppes: Low-key and memorable aren’t mutually exclusive. You know what my favorite date ever was? Pepperoni pizza in a Laundromat.
Alan Eppes: Yes. Which explains the conspicuous absence of grandchildren.
Security Guard: Excuse me? What are you doing?
Charlie Eppes: A simple experiment. It's a pendulum.
Security Guard: Sir, you and the pendulum need to leave.
Charlie Eppes: Okay... It drew an ellipse.
Security Guard: Now.
Terry Lake: Some guys like women who can handcuff ‘em.
Don Eppes: Can’t blame ‘em for that.
David Sinclair: Mr. Haybridge, please don’t make me follow you to your office and question you about fraud and possible murder in front of your clients.

[edit] Prime Suspect

Ethan Burdick: You’re here to talk your brother in the door, and in case you haven’t realized it, I don’t have time to waste.
Charlie Eppes: Look, I think you’d be better off letting him do his job, because he’s actually pretty good at it.
Charlie Eppes: What do you think we should do now?
Don Eppes: The same thing when I was in school and I didn’t know the answer – fake it.
Terry Lake: He’s showing us what he’s capable of.
Don Eppes: Well, now it’s our turn.
[Terry and David refused to leave Don and the guy with the bomb]
Don Eppes: Guys, for following orders, not your best moment, but thank you.
Terry Lake: No, I was a good student; I just couldn’t get into math. I couldn’t see how it could relate to the real world. [Charlie sets his beer bottle down hard; David starts laughing] What? What did I say?
David Sinclair: I think you’re about to find out.
Don Eppes: Oh, you guys are on your own. Good luck.
Charlie Eppes: Math is the real world, okay? It’s everywhere.
Charlie Eppes: Math is nature’s language; its method of communicating directly with us. Everything is numbers.
Alan Eppes: Just remember how Charlie is; can’t seem to quit a problem. He’s still working on the same one he’s had since grade school.
Don Eppes: And what’s that?
Alan Eppes: Trying to impress his big brother.

[edit] Sabotage

Charlie: It's not a code. It's a story told in numbers.
Charlie: I'm sorry, but does that ever work? Just coming out and being so... obvious?
Amita: Well, if it's the right guy, sure.
Alan: Is that Amita sitting in the car out front?
Charlie: Yeah. We just stopped by for a minute so I can check this text on encryption and codebreaking.
Alan: And you left Amita waiting in the car? No... no. This is not the way we treat people, Charlie. You bring her inside, you at least offer her something to drink. You know, like an adult.
Charlie: We just stopped by for a second.
Alan: You came in 15 minutes ago, Charlie.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I’m avoiding Laurel Wilson.
Amita Ramanujan: The professor of philosophy of science?
Charlie Eppes: She’s the lady you go hiking with?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: For years we’ve enjoyed this…I don’t know…delightful wilderness-based friendship, entirely platonic. But last night, she and I just veered… we veered off into the carnal.
Amita Ramanujan: I’m taking it didn’t go well.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Actually it was incredible. It was primal. I mean in the animal, not the numerical, sense. But what I’m saying, this was a perfect event, and, as such, untwinnable.
Amita Ramanujan: So, because the sex was great, the odds are against it ever being great again.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: The replication defies the laws of probability.
Amita Ramanujan: [dryly] So, why try?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [missing the sarcasm] Yes, yes. That’s why I'm here. I mean, it’s the perfect refuge.
Charlie Eppes: What do you mean, "the perfect refuge?"
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, the math department must be the least libidinous place on campus.
Alan: Well, it seems like your new math consultant is working out nicely.
Don: I gotta tell you dad, I can’t think of anyone who could have helped us the way Charlie did in this investigation.
Alan: You just remember how Charlie is. Can’t seem to quit a problem. He’s still working on the same one he’s had since grade school.
Don: And what’s that?
Alan: Trying to impress his big brother.
Don: I want you to know I don’t take for granted what you do.
Charlie: I never thought you did.

[edit] Counterfeit Reality

Don Eppes: A guy drops 70 bucks in a dive bar, he’s either buying rounds for the house or else he’s wasted off his ass; either way, he’s gonna stand out.
Don Eppes: What’d you do, you opened it? What is with you, man? Even when we were kids you were always going through my stuff.
Charlie Eppes: You always had cool stuff.

[edit] Identity Crisis

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh, I see we’re off on yet another exciting area of criminology.
Charlie Eppes: It’s like the evidence proves him right and wrong at the same time.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh, yeah, the old paradox of Schrödinger’s cat.
Alan Eppes: Is that that Persian that keeps hiding out in our garage?
Charlie Eppes: Uh-huh, it’s an intellectual exercise.
Alan Eppes: I knew that.
Charlie Eppes: You know, I’ve been running some numbers from your minor league days. I wanted to see which ones were the best pitches for you to go after.
Don Eppes: Charlie, I don’t like to think about it too much, all right?
Charlie Eppes: Why not? If you can analyze your performance, you can improve it, Don.
Don Eppes: Some things are about how it feels.

[edit] Sniper Zero

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Children are wormholes. They're portals into the unreachable future and unattainable past.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Evaluating my immediate prospects for a conventional nuclear family I've just now begun to consider adoption.
Charlie Eppes: How long have you been considering that?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Three days.
Charlie Eppes: Give it a few more days.

[edit] Dirty Bomb

Don: What, you didn't think I'd have a back-up plan?
Charlie: In the first place, uh, we-we’re not even sure that there, that there is a bomb, so....
Alan: Bomb?
Charlie: Well, we don’t know where it’s gonna go off.
Alan: Well maybe not, but I would suggest that people quickly taking a ride out of town in an easterly direction might be of help right now.
Larry: Well, possibly not with these current wind conditions.
Don: Look, what you hear stays in this room.
Larry: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don: A truck carrying three casks of this stuff was hijacked this morning.
Larry: Oh, that’s not optimal.
Houser: We’re fairly confident that hasn’t happened yet.
Don: You’re fairly confident?
Alan: Listen, Charlie, if you've got one failing it's only that you don't think like a criminal... 'Course what does that say about me?

[edit] Sacrifice

Alan: I heard that, uh, Don was leaning towards the wife.
Charlie: That's right.
Alan: Seems to be the first place they look nowadays.
Charlie: I don't understand. I mean, if you hate the person you're married to that much, get divorced.
Alan: Even the thought of divorce holds its own special horrors, let me tell you.
Charlie: Well, you and mom never thought about... I mean, I was never witness to any kind of...
Alan: That's exactly the way we wanted it.

[edit] Noisy Edge

Don: Hey, Charlie.
Charlie: Hey.
Don: What’s up?
Charlie: Just grading tests for my non-linear dynamics class.
Don: Glad to see you’re taking my advice and having some fun.

[edit] Man Hunt

Cooper: We spent two weeks in a cemetery once, waiting for this guy to show up at his wife’s grave. Grabbed him as he was putting a dozen roses on her headstone.
David: She died while he was in prison, huh?
Cooper: Just before he went. He's the one that killed her.
Charlie: Coincidences are a mathematical reality. Statistically unlikely events can and often do occur. Just look at the genesis of our planet.
Larry: Well now, I agree that the factors that brought about life on earth were statistically unlikely, but given the vastness of the cosmos, the limitless possibilities for matter and energy... I'm with Einstein on this. There are no accidents.

[edit] Season Two

[edit] Judgment Call

(Talking about a girl with intreast in Don)

Larry: You know that term "dark matter" has always perplexed me. It fallaciously implies that the 95% of our universe that cannot be observed is some amorphous, event less, emptiness.
Amita: I'm sorry?
Larry: I guess it's all too human. Instead of admitting to the present limits of our knowledge we just declare things to be unknowable.
Charlie: We all use math every day: to predict weather, to tell time, to handle money. Math is more than formulas or equations; it’s logic, it’s rationality, it’s using your mind to solve the biggest mysteries we know.

[edit] Bettor or Worse

Don: Until we find dead bodies, this is still a search and rescue.
Larry Fleinhardt: [challenging Charlie to a game of air hockey] My physics versus your geometry.

[edit] Obsession

Charlie Eppes: Why do they want pictures of us?
Don Eppes: (yells) He's a famous mathematician!
Charlie Eppes: Don't do that.
Don Eppes: Hey, get your vogue on, Charlie.
Charlie Eppes: It's from someone who says she's a fan of my work. She's also a fan of my...hair.
Charlie Eppes: You know, this isn't the first love letter I've ever received. When I published my first article in the American Journal of Mathematics I was invited to spend the weekend at a bed and breakfast in Santa Barbara.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Did you go?
Charlie Eppes: Ah, I was fourteen. My mother had to break the news to a very embarassed female professor at Berkeley.

[edit] Calculated Risk

Colby: It's a white-collar fraud case. Nobody expected Martha Stewart to go down in a hail of bullets.
Don: (to bodyguards) I'm assuming you all have permits for those bulges in your jackets?
Alan: (to Don) My hope for grandchildren has been rekindled!

[edit] Assassin

Colby Granger: You assulted a federal agent with a deadly weapon.
Henry Korfelt: It was a Volkswagen.
Don Eppes: So what does your behavioral science training tell you about a grown man who still lives with his mother?
Megan Reeves: About as much as two brothers still mooching meals at their dad's house three nights a week.
Charlie Eppes: Hey, hey, don't get all Fleinhardt on me. It's just the Physics Department Paper Airplane contest.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Fleinhardt? Since when did my last name become a predicate adjective?
Charlie Eppes: Since your students started using it that way.
Don Eppes: Who made this?
Charlie Eppes: Me. Why?
Don Eppes: Well, the wings are a bit thin.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Hey, wait, wait, let me see this.
Charlie Eppes: Forgive me if all my years in advanced applied mathematics take issues with that assessment.
Don Eppes: Well, forgive me if all my years in high school detention say I'm right.

[edit] Soft Target

Megan Reeves: (holding up a coffeebox used as a bioterrorism weapon) I love these. They make great lattes.
Charlie Eppes: Dad would be so happy if we married a doctor.
Don Eppes: Yeah, well Dad would be happy if I married someone with a pulse.


[edit] Convergence

Charlie: The only keg party I ever threw [in college], he stole the keg.
Larry: You know, Don, you and I are very alike. We are both focused on large possibly unattainable goals. Me trying to explain the workings of the universe...
Don: And what am I doing? Trying to take all those unworkable workings and put them in jail. Yeah good luck to both of us.
Larry: Wisdom and genius: rarely present in equal abundance.

[edit] In Plain Sight

Don: What's the deal? There are more people here in the middle of the night than at ten in the morning. It's like the FBI.
Larry: Curiosity. Not good for cats, great for scientists.
Charlie: I need the fastest way to the computer lab.
Larry: I know a shortcut through Metallurgy.

[edit] Toxin

Charlie Eppes: Is that the kind of stuff you talk about with Megan at lunch?
Don Eppes: Wait, hold on. You and Megan went out to lunch?
Alan Eppes: Please tell me you ordered something other than white food.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: This was a meal shared by two inquisitive minds in an intellectual pursuit.
Charlie Eppes: Of course it was, like all of your lunches with David. Oh, and with Colby.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: A gamma ray burst will release more energy in ten seconds than the sun will ever emit in its ten billion year lifespan.
Don Eppes: I got it, what's the Hulk's real name?
Charlie Eppes: Um, Bruce Banner.
Don Eppes: That's right. Didn't gamma rays turn him into the Hulk?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: (ignoring them) They come from the farthest ends of the universe, and after 45 years, we're still uncertain of their origin.
Alan Eppes: And?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: And we're closer to an answer on that than the three of you will ever get on this.

(Larry leaves) Charlie Eppes Megan... Don Eppes: ...and Larry Alan Eppes: Now there's a picture

(Refering to Ian Edgerton)

Colby: They say that guy's the bastard son of Clint Eastwood and Yoda.

[edit] Bones of Contention

Alan Eppes: Please tell me that the food will be a color other than white.
Larry Fleinhardt: My predilection to white food is not pathological...
Amita Ramanujan: So, Larry, what are you going to do with all of your stuff?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh, I don't know. Hey, you can take home your dinnerware if you want.
Charlie Eppes: There's a symmetry to my chaos.

[edit] Scorched

(Larry and Charlie are in the tub fully clothed, conducting an experiment)
Alan Eppes: No, I don't want to know what's going on.
Alan Eppes: I still have to take a shower.
(Larry holds up the hose)
Alan Eppes: No.

[edit] The O.G.

Don Eppes: It's okay. He's a mathematician. He speaks his own language.

[edit] Double Down

Alan Eppes: You're ruining the game for the schmucks who play it to enjoy.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yeah, well those are the schmucks who should stick to slot machines.

[edit] Harvest

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: (at sea, doing experiments) I'm going to go search for some dramamine.

[edit] The Running Man

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: (after realizing where a thief would strike) Not my LIGO lab!

[edit] Protest

Don: Commie!
Alan: G-Man!

[edit] Mind Games

Charlie Eppes: What flavor of crazy Kool-Aid do they make you drink before you join the physics department?
Victor Borrego: You-you think I had something to do with this? Are you kidding?
Colby Granger: No, I got a whole 'nother kidding face.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: We can only see the universe through the limited prism of our senses.
Charlie Eppes: Alright, let's all sit down around a Ouija board and try to solve P vs. NP once and for all.

[edit] All's Fair

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Nine! Nine! Nine!
Alan Eppes: Back off, Rain man.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: (running through the CalSci campus in swimming trunks) Eureka! It's Archimedes all over again!
Alan Eppes: What is wrong with you? Amita is beautiful, this girl's a stunner; what do you need?
Don Eppes: I think he just wants to be the cutest in bed.

[edit] Dark Matter

Charlie Eppes: Hey, Amita, do you remember that we were going to do that one thing earlier?
Amita: What thing?
Charlie Eppes: That thing you said we needed to do. Let's go do it.
(Charlie and Amita leave)
Megan Reeves: What was that?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Merely a very crude attempt at lending privacy.

[edit] Guns and Roses

Don: Charlie, look. If I'm gonna rule her death a homicide, I need more than skating metaphors.

[edit] Rampage

Don: I'm cool until everything quiets down. Then it's like my head is a bad neighborhood to be in.
David: What's the first thing a New Yorker notices about L.A.?
Megan: No good pizza.
David: Okay, what's the second thing?
Charlie: We're gonna need the surveillance footage and some tripods, a laser pointer...and we're gonna need string.
Don: String?
Charlie: Lots of string.
Charlie: I realize the only thing I'm really afraid of is being afraid again.
Koketsu Sensei: Where'd you study?
Megan: I teach Krav Maga at the Y.

David What're we gonna to do about it?
Colby: I guess that depends on how many beers we've got left in that bag.

[edit] Backscatter

Amita Ramanujan: Oh, by the way...Larry called, from his string theory conference. He was confused about something.
Charlie Eppes: What, his--his double special relativity theory?
Amita Ramanujan: No. Whether he was in St. Louis or Cleveland.
Charlie Eppes: *sighs* He's so geographically challenged. Where is his conference?
Amita Ramanujan: Minneapolis.
Colby Granger:(after David Sinclair was shot) He says to tell you he wants back ASAP, and that, no, I can't have his desk.
Walker:I tried something a little unorthodox. I consulted a mathematician.
Charlie Eppes: If you call me Chuck one more time...
Don Eppes: What if I called you "Chuckie"?
Charlie Eppes: What if I called you "Donald"?
Don Eppes: Yeah, well what if I called you "Nerd"?

[edit] Undercurrents

Amita Ramanujan: Too often I feel as though my work is really your work.
Colby Granger: (to David Sinclair as they walk into a Chinese strip club) We're the only white people in here.
David Sinclair: Yes...(looks at Granger) We are.

[edit] Hot Shot

Charlie Eppes: Dad got shot. During a hold up at a grocery store. It was pretty...upsetting.
Don Eppes: Yeah, I bet.
Charlie Eppes: And Mom made pancakes.
Don Eppes: Pancakes?
Charlie Eppes: I don't even dream normally.

[edit] Season Three

[edit] Spree

Megan:: Well, I didn't run away from home at 16, but I didn't walk either. And unlike Crystal, I can live with all of my decisions. Does that make you uncomfortable?
Larry:: (Shaking his head)Look. I'm a man who lives in hotel rooms, and sleeps on couches.

(pauses)

Larry:: Does that make you uncomfortable?
Megan:: Noooo, I find it oddly attractive.
Larry:: You constantly put me in mind of the M57 Nebula, with these endless layers upon layers of complexities.
Megan:: You know, I don't think I will ever get tired of being compared to the M57 Nebula.

[edit] Two Daughters

Larry:: I should shut up, shouldn't I?
Megan :: No-o, you should kiss me now.
Colby:: You kiddin' me? Fleinhardt and Megan?
David:: Yeah man, for about uh, a few weeks now.
Colby:: So everybody knows?
David:: Everybody knows now.
Colby:: Can't believe she didn't tell me.

[edit] Provenance

David:: You speak French?
Don:: There was a girl, once upon a time.

[edit] The Mole

Charlie Eppes: I'm using differential equations to perfect the chocolate chip cookie.
Amita Ramanujan: (takes a bite of a cookie) Needs bigger chips.

[edit] Traffic

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: (on highway attacks not being random) What about meteors?
Charlie Eppes: No, Larry. Not even the FBI can stop meteors.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, not yet, maybe...but...
Megan Reeves: Seven random freeway attacks and not one of them fits the profile of a random freeway attack?

[...] I mean, is it possible for something to be too random to be random?

Charlie Eppes: Larry, is everything alright?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Everything? Well, I'm not sure that I can account for the state of all matter, but...
Charlie Eppes: You know exactly what I'm talking about! Stop trying to Fleinhardt your way around answering me!

[edit] Longshot

Don Eppes: You decided that maybe you were too old to be making out in the backseat of a car?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Also...car...no backseat.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Actually I may have before me a problem that cannot be drummed away.

[...]

Charlie Eppes: Megan?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: She's... she's exiting and she's beautiful and this thing that is between us, it's beginning to affect my work!
Charlie Eppes: What is going on between you two?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: (stresses every single word) I have not the slightest idea!
Charlie Eppes: Well, you never worked well with emotionally uncertainty!
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You think, that's it? You think, that a emotional uncertainty lies at the heart of all this?
Charlie Eppes: Really I'm not as familiar with that side of you.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: (sighs) No... nor it seems am I.

[edit] Blackout

(Larry and Charlie are arguing)
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Tighten it.
Charlie Eppes: (slaps Larry's hand) Don't touch it.
Larry: Hey. Play nice.
Don Eppes: Don't go all Isaac Newton on me.
Charlie Eppes: Sir Isaac Newton.

[edit] Hardball

Megan Reeves: Twenty minutes ago I was on the couch, watching Blazing Saddles in my pajamas. This better be good.
Charlie Eppes: Oh, this is better than good.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Your red cowgirl PJs?
Megan Reeves: *grins* Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh... *stares into space, apparently contemplating the scene*
Colby Granger: You know what this place kinda reminds me of?
David Sinclair: Let me guess, Blade Runner.
Colby Granger: Yeah, exactly. I think Ridley Scott knew what the future was going to look like.
Oswald Kittner: I get shot at and you guys respond to it by doing math?
Charlie Eppes: That's how we roll at CalSci.
Oswald Kittner: Are the numbers supposed to glowing at some point?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I have noticed that some expressions have a certain shimmering quality to them.

[edit] Waste Not

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Change is inevitable and those who adapt most quickly are the most likely to survive.

[edit] Brutus

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Were I in a less ebullient frame of mind, I might very well just bop you in the nose.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I believe that's my copy of the Quarterly Review of Cosmology?
Charlie Eppes: Yeah, it is ...
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Why are we engaged in combat over it?
Charlie Eppes: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Colby Granger: No.
Charlie Eppes: No one likes to hear I told you so.
Colby Granger: A=B=C=D. It's like one of Charlie's equations ... I can't believe I just said that.
(murderer wants to commit suicide by jumping off a roof)
David Sinclair: Look at me, look at me. Carlos, look at me! I don't wanna do anything. Just wanna talk to you, okay? Give me two minutes, (then) go on you do whatever you got to do, okay?
Carlos: (looks at him) Just talk?
David Sinclair: Just wanna talk!
(Colby dashes after Carlos from the other side and pulls him back)
Carlos: You lied to me!
Colby Granger: David, apologize to the man for saving his life!
Don Eppes: (to CIA agent) I just SHOT a man tonight! (Referring to Brutus test subject)
CIA Agent: (to Don) Yes, and your country thanks you. (Sticks hand for shake)

(Eppes punches CIA Agent in the face)

Meghan Reeves: I'd stay down unless you wanna get hit again.

[edit] Killer Chat

Don:: Who ya gonna call?
David:: Charlie.

[(After giving Larry back his lucky t-shirt)]

Charlie:: You're rocketing into space Larry, there's no downside in packing a lucky shirt.
Larry:: Well, it's only six months, though I will be traveling two hundred and fifty miles above the earth at eighteen thousand miles an hour. It's only a phone call away...albeit a very expensive phone call.

[edit] Nine Wives

Charlie:: Hey.. so, we're gonna be back sometime Sunday night.
Alan:: In time for dinner?
Charlie:: Well, it is a Math conference at Stanford... so chances are we may be a little late.
Don:: What's he want with this little girl?
Rachel:: Most likely, his 73rd wife.
Millie:: This bull's got problems.

[edit] Finders Keepers

Charlie:: I gotta tell ya, from a mathematical standpoint the designs for this yacht are absolutley amazing. It almost has me thinking about getting back into my fluid dynamics work again.
Alan:: Ohh. I mean abandon your cognitive emergence theory.
Charlie:: I said almost.
Alan:: Oh good, because I remember the damage some of those fluid dynamics experiments did on the pond in the backyard.
Charlie:: Oh, all the koi lived.

[edit] Take Out

Don:: Do you think I need help?
Megan:: I don't think they've made the person yet who doesn't.
Megan:: So where's all the money go?
Amita:: Most of the money stays in Mexico.
Charlie:: Death Squad Retirement fund.
Don:: (seeing Charlie in his tux) Nice. Very...ah...
Charlie:: James Bond?
Colby:: No.
Charlie:: Yeah, no, I didn't think so either.
Dr. Mildred Finch:: In Antarctica we were used to doing everything very quietly. It’s like a big library ... with penguins.
Alan:: You save all the dirty jobs for yourself.
Don:: I do what has to be done - it's not like I like doing the dirty work.
Charlie:: Since when did you become my conscious?
Amita:: Around the same time we started making out.
Charlie:: My circle circle tangent joke went right over the senator's head.

[edit] End of Watch

Amita:: Byzantines fighting side by side with Cowboys and Indians?
Charlie:: I had an imaginative childhood.

[edit] Contenders

Charlie:: [showing his laptop monitor to David and Colby] Now, this is Professor Stanley Novich and this is where the door to his lab used to be.
David:: What do you mean used to be?
Charlie:: I had one of my Dad's contractor friends bring in a crew last night, they drywalled his doorway, they painted it to match the wall. [Charlie sniggers]
David:: The dude has always made me crazy. Ever know anyone like that?
Don:: Well, you know Charlie, right?

[edit] One Hour

Bradford:: You want to feel better? Take a pill. You want to get right? Face the truth.
Bradford:: Coffee?
Don:: Ahh yeah. Err No. Yeah sure.
Bradford:: Maybe decaf.

[edit] Democracy

Alan: Great! Now I have two jaded, world weary sons!
Don: And this one's got a shrink to prove it.
Oswald: Unless there's a self perpetuating element involved like, er, nano-technology. OK, you know when you stack up champagne glasses & fill them with champagne, you only pour the champagne into the top glass & then it overflows to the others. It requires resources applied in one location then it spreads.
Alan: Oh good god, another one?
Charlie: Hey, do me a favour. Go find Dr. Finch. Tell her we need a priority run on the super computer & you know, be convincing.
Oswald: I'll tell her the fate of democracy's at stake.
Charlie: I like that.

[edit] Pandora's Box

Don:: Yeah, relax you got the fifth best shot in the country covering your ass.
Ian:: *relaxes his hand and makes his hands shake* Hey, fourth. You don't wanna ask how I moved up one spot.
Charlie:: I can't believe it. Right in the middle of my lecture!
Alan:: Charlie, I’m as embarrassed as you are.
Charlie:: You were snoring!
Ian:: (After threading a kill shot through two closed pickup truck cab windows and a suspect's skull) That oughtta move me up to number three.
(Suspect runs out of apartment building and jumps in car)
Ian: (Taps on window with a gun) Bet I can pull the trigger before you hit the gas.

[edit] Burn Rate

Charlie:: [(Reading from the Manifesto)] When biotechnology creates a marketplace where genetic material, "who we are", can be bought and sold like a slave in the block, there is no freedom there.

[edit] The Art of Reckoning

Charlie:: Are we all so bad down here?
Larry:: Beauty and fragility of life on earth, it takes my breath away.
Charlie:: So what's your problem?
Larry:: That I will habituate and lose the vision.
Charlie:: I feel like I'm in some dream with the ghost Larry and I just want to wake up and talk to the real guy.

[edit] Under Pressure

Alan:: That's why using the water system makes perfect sense, they don't need to spread the poison themselves, the city distribution system will do the work for them!

[edit] Money for Nothing

Bradford:: You talk a lot about your work, but I want to go a little further. What else is in your life?
Don:: Wha...., that I'm a workaholic with commitment issues, that has a hard time trusting people isn't enough?
Don:: You were.. actually walking home?
Charlie:: Well, yeah cause once I.. once I got to the road it was pretty easy.
Don:: I mean he's eight.
Charlie:: I like walking. You know that's like.. that's my sport. You got hockey, you got baseball. I walk.
Don:: Like.. like speed walking?
Charlie:: No, like normal.. You've never taken a walk?
Charlie:: Hey, how you doin' I'm Charlie.
Sari:: Sari Kinshasa.
Alan:: And I'm Alan.
Sari:: Hello. You're FBI agents?
Charlie:: I'm an FBI consultant.
Alan:: I'm an FBI.. dad.

[edit] The Janus List

Ashby:: I'm a speed dial away from collapsing this bridge.
Charlie:: So I am an FBI. You know, I work for the FBI.
Woman:: Can't you protect him?
Charlie:: Well, uh, actually, I'm a mathematician.

[edit] Season Four

[edit] Trust Metric

Larry: Charles, the monks do not appreciate FBI agents knocking on their doors especially during the morning contemplation.
Charlie: Don, you have a big ego.
Don: Thanks.
Charlie: No, you have a ginormous ego.
Don: Thanks.
Charlie: I know math is full of absolutes; unfortunately, the rest of the world isn't.
Larry: You can contemplate silence, but you can never find it.

[edit] Hollywood Homicide

Megan: It's hard to believe people line up to get into this place.
David: Lots more line up to get turned away. Don't ever say I don't take you to the hottest places.

[edit] Velocity

Larry: Other things keep thinking me.
Larry: (in reference to darts) Unfortunately, my bird keeps trying to nest in the hallway.

[edit] Thirteen

Alan: Look at this workload of mine. How do these kids do it?
Charlie: They're kids.
David: Manager says he's a model tenant. Quiet, pays his rent on time.
Colby: Yeah, and the Son of Sam's the Employee of the Month.
Colby: Not to diss his decorating sense, but I've definitely seen obsession done better.

[edit] Robin Hood

Charlie: You're right.
Larry: About what?
Don: I told you they got me seeing a therapist?
Walker: Who isn't these days?
Walker: I've gotten used to not understanding what the hell you're talking about.
Charlie: It's great to see you too, Lieutenant.
Charlie: The two great adult influences in my life are heading off to blow up pumpkins.
Walker: Scotch always tastes better if someone else is buying.

[edit] In Security

Larry: That page is blank.
Charlie: Not after I sign it.
Larry: I'm the only one here who has visitors. Even the vow of silence guys are grumbling.

[edit] Primacy

Amita: I got it! I stole his mojo bag!
Charlie:(To Megan and Colby via phone) She just stole his mojo.
Larry: Charles, you look like someone just stole your chalk.
Larry: Who is this person that belongs to this mess?
Larry: I sense a big hairy 'but' coming. Oooh, pardon my terrible pun.
Charlie: I know how to trap this guy.
Colby: Yeah? Does it involve your deceptive upper body strength?
Binky Moore: The nerds love me.
Larry (to Alan): You can move in with me, but I don't live anywhere.
Charlie: I have the will power of a field mouse!
Larry: But in that field you are a very popular mouse!

[edit] Tabu

Don: Let me ask you something, not about this.
David: About Liz?
Don: Yeah, how did you know?
David: You asked permission to ask.
Amita: If we had a DTMF decoder...that's a Dual-tone multi-frequency. It's touchtone.
David: Why couldn't you have just said that to begin with?
Amita: Yeah, but it wouldn't have been as much fun.
David: Any hunch from Charlie is like a hunch plus.
Don: Megan's on a bit of a timeout.
David: Again?
Charlie: Knocking on the door from 300 miles above earth.
David: Well we're about to knock a lot harder.

[edit] Graphic

Megan: Hugh Jackman in a Wolverine outfit. Now that was hot.
Ross Moore: Justice? Kid, you read too many comic books.
Charlie: Galactus? That's the guy who ate planets.
Larry: Yeah, but he was stellar Darwinism. He was necessary to the survival of the universe.
Charlie: What?
Larry: He was the third four, along with eternity and death.
Charlie: Larry, he wanted to eat the earth.
Megan: Naked carjacking. That's the worst kind.
Alan: Charlie sees math as beautiful and he wants everyone else to love it the way he does.

[edit] Chinese Box

Don: You gotta give up on this one, buddy.
Charlie: I didn't get where I am by giving up on being right.
Charlie: (Watching the elevators) If we were to stand here for several hours...
Alan: Saved by the bell!
Charlie: He's Warspying.
Liz: Just when I'm convinced you can't come up with something new
Alan:: What? So we'll just wait?
Charlie:: Until they need me.
Alan:: What are they gonna need you for?
Charlie:: There's always something.

[edit] Breaking Point

Charlie: There is nothing wrong with my driving.
Larry: So the chorus of car horns that follows in your wake ... what is that? A spontaneous phenomenon?
Charlie: Dad, you called a tenured university professor to come fix the koi pond?
Amita: Charlie, you really can't be too careful.
Charlie: You're wrong. This is proof right here you can be too careful.
Colby: You can't just keep going around telling everybody you're fine.
Charlie: Well, obviously, I'm not fine.
Colby: That's why you got to do something about it. It doesn't matter how scared you were. It doesn't matter if you wet your pants, man. There's nobody out here who's gonna hear it.
Alan:: Oh, come on, no. The house is fine - it's old, but it works... you know, mostly... I mean, it's a lot like me.
Ray Galuski: No offense, but if you got to get a FBI bodyguard, why not get that hot one we worked with, Agent Reeves? Pretty sure she was diggin’ me!
Larry: You know, actually Ray—Agent Reeves – or Megan – and I, we’re kind of involved.
Ray: [laughs]…You’re serious?
Larry: Yeah, I am. And a little less incredulity on your part would be appreciated.
Ray: No, Larry, sorry. It’s just that how often do women like that get involved with guys like us? Nice going!
Larry: Okay, well – thank you!
Alan:: [To Don, about Charlie] He's not one of your agents! You know that, right?

[edit] Power

Alan: They're having an all-night math-a-thon in the living room.
Rapist: It's just sex guys.
Colby: We'll see how you feel when you become a jail cell bitch.

[edit] Black Swan

Charlie : We're going to need dry-erase boards. Lots of dry-erase boards.
Colby: [David asks Colby to climb up the trellis] Yeah. Colby, go down the elevator shaft. Colby, jump in the bay. Hey, Colby, climb the Sixth Street Bridge.
David: I went out on the bridge with you, okay?
David: What's the deal with the waffles, man?
Amita: I think it's Charlie's way of saying that your family is whoever you want to eat waffles with.
Larry: That's a worthy sentiment.
Megan: And one that's even better with syrup.

[Talking to Colby]

David: You, my friend are a victim of high standards and low social skills.

[edit] Checkmate

Robin: You can be a real bastard sometimes.
Don: Yea! My shrink said something like that!
Robin: This shrink - has he taught you how to say "I was wrong" yet?
Larry: When I'm stuck, I've always found the work pattern of a certain Englishman to be inspirational.
Amita: Sir Isaac Newton?
Larry: No, Sherlock Holmes.
Charlie : According to my instructor, in the event of a firefight my best course of action is to get into a fetal position and call for my mama.
Megan: At least it's not porn.
David: That would be Granger's computer.
Colby: Only on Saturday nights.

[edit] End Game

Don: A'right, so where is the "I told you so" ?
Liz: You made the call you thought was right. It sucks being the boss. But you know what, it's not a democracy.
Liz: Ok so you're thinking if Ferraro and Porter are trained to act in a certain way, we'll be able to predict what their next move will be?
Colby: Yeah. Maybe Charlie will be able to slap it into one of those algorithmic, geo-profiling, hot zone hot pocket deals.
Don: Put it just like that when you ask him.

[edit] Atomic No.33

Alan: [To Larry] Not everyone has the emotional and intellectual resource to search for God in a supercollider.
David: I hate to break this up, but I was about to pass out from the marker fumes.
Amita: Ah yes, that would be the lemon. I told you it was too much.
Charlie: [Sniffing the pen]I like it.
David: It smells like a urinal cake.
Charlie: Oh boy, that's the fourth security camera we passed since they buzzed us through the gate.
Larry: Extremist in Orwellian paranoia as well as stunted religious beliefs.
M.E. Ridenhour: We all have normal levels of heavy metal like arsenic or mercury in our bodies. Hair shows abnormal dosages.
David: Even a year later?
M.E. Ridenhour: They dug up Napoleon and it worked on him, so yeah, I think we still got a window here.

[edit] Pay to Play

Larry: Her parents were both schooled here, they raised her here, I'm sure they're very intelligent, cosmopolitan people.
Charlie: They tried to arrange a marriage for her.
Larry: Yeah, that had slipped my mind.
Larry: I haven't heard of any of these artists, and it's not like I've been living in a cave.
Charlie: No, just a space station and a monastery...and oh yeah!...the steam tunnels.
Larry: Point taken.
Amita: I didn't say it was rational, it just feels weird.
Charlie: My Dad knows you spend the night, that's never been weird.
Alan: Well, it's weird now, thank you very much.
Charlie: Hey Larry. How was the departmental breakfast?
Larry: It was less then stellar. I was running late and the only available seat was next to Professor Heinslose.
Charlie: The slurper.
Larry: You know all he had was the fruit plate and he was deafening.

[edit] When Worlds Collide

Charlie: (to Don) You and I have two very different world views, and that's fine. But now you're crossing into my world, and making assumptions about how people like me can or should work.
Larry: I have to confess, this whole business of rearranging DNA to suit human needs, I find very exciting; in this rather...life-threatening, world-ending sort of way.

[edit] Season Five

[edit] High Exposure

[edit] Decoy Effect

Alan: Listen, Charlie, when you're dealing with the Government it doesn't hurt to have more than just the *facts* on your side.

[edit] Blowback

Charlie: I gotta go.

Alan: Clearance or no clearance, he still knows how to make an exit.

[edit] Jack of All Trades

Girl: Will you take a picture of me and my friends?

Liz: No. But I'll take your camera.

Larry: Charlie, don't move, don't move. His head was like this. You make a terrible assistant.

David (to Charlie): It must feel good to be legit again.

Colby: Morning sunshine. Are we Kelli Rand fans or what?

David: What is this? She waits till now to get interesting. What's awesome.

[edit] Scan Man

[edit] Magic Show

[edit] Charlie Don't Surf

[edit] Thirty-Six Hours

[edit] Conspiracy Theory

[edit] Frienemies

Charlie: Where's the glasses?
Marshell Pentfield: Where's the hair?
David: In a world where mathematicians go mano a mano with a killer.
Colby: This time, it's personal.
Larry: Boys don't make me pull the math car over.
Marshell: God why am I so stupid?
Charlie: Do you want anwsers 1-50 or 50-100?
Marshell: We got to get this guy, he made me itch infront of strangers.
[Colby and David walk into a neighborhood being run by a criminal and everyone promptly goes into their homes]
Colby: Everybody knows our name, but nobody's glad we came.
Charlie: It sounds like they created a classic game theory scenario doesn't it?
Marshell: Yes it does, 'Johnny von Neumann', the old three man gunfight.
Colby: A mathematical gunfight huh?
Marshell: Imagine a duel between three people. Now I'm the worst shot. I hit the target once every three tries.

[Indicates Charlie]

Marshell: One of my opponents is better. Hits it twice every three shots.

[Indicates Colby]

Marshell: The third guy is a dead shot. He never misses. Now each gets one shot. As the worst, I go first. Then Charlie, then Colby. Who do I aim for, for my one shot?
Colby: I guess me cause I'm the biggest danger right?
Marshell: [Makes a gun shooting motion toward Charlie] I shoot Eppsey first, but not for the obvious reasons. Chances are two to one I'm going to miss.
Charlie: And now it's my turn. Logic says I shoot Colby.

[Makes shooting motion toward Granger]

Colby: Right, cause if I'm still standing I'm gonna shoot you and I don't miss.
Charlie: Exactly.
Marshell: As the worst, I use the two better shooters against each other
(Charlie is explaining something
Marshell: How do you not have your own show on PBS?

[edit] Arrow of Time

[edit] Jacked

[edit] Trouble in Chinatown

[edit] Sneakerhead

[edit] Guilt Trip

Colby: I seem like a roast beef kind of guy to you?
David: I won't discuss another man's meat.

[edit] Cover Me

[edit] First Law

[edit] 12:01 AM

[edit] Animal Rites

[edit] The Fifth Man

[edit] Disturbed

[edit] Greatest Hits

[edit] Angels and Devils

[edit] Season Six

[edit] Hangman

[edit] Friendly Fire

[edit] 7 Men Out

[edit] Where Credit's Due

[edit] Hydra

[edit] Dream Land

[edit] Shadow Markets

[edit] Ultimatum

[edit] Con Job

[edit] Old Soldiers

[edit] Scratch

Nikki: What would you do if you won the lottery Sinclair?
David: Well. I'd drive a nice car to work, What about you.
Nikki: Well first off. I'd buy you a nicer car.
David: Oh yeah?
Nikki: Then I'd make you drive me to work.

[edit] External links

Wikipedia
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