Numb3rs

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Numb3rs is an American television show that follows FBI Special Agent Don Eppes and his mathematical genius brother, Charlie Eppes, who develops formulae to predict the actions of various criminals.

Contents

Season One[edit]

Pilot[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Everything is numbers.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Here's a discussion: Why is it we remember the past and not the future?
Charlie Eppes: That's a tough one, Larry.

Amita Ramanujan: Actually, I'm spoken for, Mr. Eppes.
Alan Eppes: Really?
Amita Ramanujan: Back in Madras my parents arranged for marriage to a family friend. Nice Hindu banker from Goa.
Charlie Eppes: Really? Getting married?
Amita Ramanujan: God, no. He's a total ass.

Charlie Eppes: Numbers don't lie.

Uncertainty Principle[edit]

[On P vs. NP]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know that it's considered unsolvable?
Charlie Eppes: Well, certainly people who have failed to solve it think that.

[Don and Charlie are arguing]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I'm going to go contemplate the koi pond.

Charlie Eppes: Please understand, sometimes I can't choose what I work on. I can't follow through on a line of thinking just because I want to, or – or because it's needed. I have to work on what's in my head. And right now, this is what's in my head.

Don Eppes: I guess I was inspired by Mr. Heisenberg, just like Charlie here suggested.
Alan Eppes: Heisenberg? What do you mean, the physicist?
Don Eppes: Yeah.
Alan Eppes: Oh. Your brother goes into a dangerous confrontation with heavily armed felons, and you prepare him with a lecture on the movement of subatomic particles.

Vector[edit]

Charlie Eppes: I've gone months without leaving the house.

Charlie Eppes: How do you forgive yourself if you're wrong?
Don Eppes: You don't. We can't be wrong.

Charlie Eppes: Larry, have a minute?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yes. Because we all have exactly the same number of minutes at all times, do we not?

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Let me ask one thing. When we met just now, was I coming or going in to the library?
Charlie Eppes: Larry, you were coming out.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [sighs] My memory is a memory. All right. [starts back inside]
Charlie Eppes: [yells] Larry, you were coming out.

Don Eppes: I mean, I'm just trying to get my head around the fact that my little brother consulted on an NSA issue that went high enough up for you to call the Assistant Director by his first name.

Structural Corruption[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: One student even said I'm out of touch in cutting-edge thinking in multi-dimensional theory. That one alone kept me up at night.

Charlie Eppes: I once had a girl in my combinatorics seminar tell me that I was disorganized and I talked too fast.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: That's an accurate observation, actually.

Don Eppes: Low-key and memorable aren't mutually exclusive. You know what my favorite date ever was? Pepperoni pizza in a Laundromat.
Alan Eppes: Yes. Which explains the conspicuous absence of grandchildren.

Security Guard: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Charlie Eppes: A simple experiment. It's a pendulum.
Security Guard: Sir, you and the pendulum need to leave.
Charlie Eppes: Okay … it drew an ellipse.
Security Guard: Now.

Terry Lake: Some guys like women who can handcuff 'em.
Don Eppes: Can't blame 'em for that.

David Sinclair: Mr. Haybridge, please don't make me follow you to your office and question you about fraud and possible murder in front of your clients.

Prime Suspect[edit]

Ethan Burdick: You're here to talk your brother in the door, and in case you haven't realized it, I don't have time to waste.
Charlie Eppes: Look, I think you'd be better off letting him do his job, because he's actually pretty good at it.

Charlie Eppes: What do you think we should do now?
Don Eppes: The same thing when I was in school and I didn't know the answer – fake it.

Sabotage[edit]

Charlie Eppes: It's not a code. It's a story told in numbers.

Charlie Eppes: I'm sorry, but does that ever work? Just coming out and being so … obvious?
Amita Ramanujan: Well, if it's the right guy, sure.

Alan Eppes: Is that Amita sitting in the car out front?
Charlie Eppes: Yeah. We just stopped by for a minute, so I can check this text on encryption and codebreaking.
Alan Eppes: And you left Amita waiting in the car? No … no. This is not the way we treat people, Charlie. You bring her inside, you at least offer her something to drink. You know, like an adult.
Charlie Eppes: We just stopped by for a second.
Alan Eppes: You came in 15 minutes ago, Charlie.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I'm avoiding Laurel Wilson.
Amita Ramanujan: The professor of philosophy of science?
Charlie Eppes: She's the lady you go hiking with?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: For years we've enjoyed this … I don't know … delightful wilderness-based friendship, entirely platonic. But last night, she and I just veered … we veered off into the carnal.
Amita Ramanujan: I'm taking it didn't go well.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Actually, it was incredible. It was primal. I mean, in the animal, not the numerical, sense. But what I'm saying, this was a perfect event, and, as such, untwinnable.
Amita Ramanujan: So, because the sex was great, the odds are against it ever being great again.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: The replication defies the laws of probability.
Amita Ramanujan: [dryly] So, why try?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [missing the sarcasm] Yes, yes. That's why I'm here. I mean, it's the perfect refuge.
Charlie Eppes: What do you mean, "the perfect refuge"?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, the math department must be the least libidinous place on campus.

Terry Lake: He's showing us what he's capable of.
Don Eppes: Well, now it's our turn.

[Terry and David refused to leave Don and the guy with the bomb]
Don Eppes: Guys, for following orders, not your best moment, but thank you.

Don Eppes: I want you to know I don't take for granted what you do.
Charlie Eppes: I never thought you did.

Alan Eppes: Well, it seems like your new math consultant is working out nicely.
Don Eppes: I gotta tell you, dad, I can't think of anyone who could have helped us the way Charlie did in this investigation.
Alan Eppes: You just remember how Charlie is. Can't seem to quit a problem. He's still working on the same one he's had since grade school.
Don Eppes: And what's that?
Alan Eppes: Trying to impress his big brother.

Charlie Eppes: Math is nature's language: its method of communicating directly with us. Everything is numbers.

Counterfeit Reality[edit]

Don Eppes: A guy drops 70 bucks in a dive bar. He's either buying rounds for the house or else he's wasted off his ass. Either way, he's gonna stand out.

Don Eppes: What'd you do, you opened it? What is with you, man? Even when we were kids, you were always going through my stuff.
Charlie Eppes: You always had cool stuff.

Identity Crisis[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh, I see we're off on yet another exciting area of criminology.

Charlie Eppes: It's like the evidence proves him right and wrong at the same time.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh yeah, the old paradox of Schrödinger's cat.
Alan Eppes: Is that that Persian that keeps hiding out in our garage?
Charlie Eppes: Uh-uh, it's an intellectual exercise.
Alan Eppes: I knew that.

Charlie Eppes: You know, I've been running some numbers from your minor league days. I wanted to see which ones were the best pitches for you to go after.
Don Eppes: Charlie, I don't like to think about it too much, all right?
Charlie Eppes: Why not? If you can analyze your performance, you can improve it, Don.
Don Eppes: Some things are about how it feels.

Sniper Zero[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Children are wormholes. They're portals into the unreachable future and unattainable past. Well as .the things stand now, they exist only in the theoretical realms.
Amita Ramanujan: Well.. I consider, you might have some trouble selling a woman the idea of carrying your wormhole.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Evaluating my immediate prospects for a conventional nuclear family, I've just now begun to consider adoption.
Charlie Eppes: How long have you been considering that?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Three days.
Charlie Eppes: Give it a few more days.

Dirty Bomb[edit]

Don Eppes: What, you didn't think I'd have a back-up plan?

Charlie Eppes: In the first place, uh, we-we're not even sure that there, that there is a bomb, so …
Alan Eppes: Bomb?
Charlie Eppes: Well, we don't know where it's gonna go off.
Alan Eppes: Well, maybe not, but I would suggest that people quickly taking a ride out of town in an easterly direction might be of help right now.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, possibly not with these current wind conditions.

Don Eppes: Look, what you hear stays in this room.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don Eppes: A truck carrying three casks of this stuff was hijacked this morning.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh, that's not optimal.

Houser: We're fairly confident that hasn't happened yet.
Don Eppes: You're fairly confident?

Alan Eppes: Listen, Charlie, if you've got one failing, it's only that you don't think like a criminal … 'course, what does that say about me?

Sacrifice[edit]

Alan Eppes: I heard that, uh, Don was leaning towards the wife.
Charlie Eppes: That's right.
Alan Eppes: Seems to be the first place they look nowadays.
Charlie Eppes: I don't understand. I mean, if you hate the person you're married to that much, get divorced.
Alan Eppes: Even the thought of divorce holds its own special horrors, let me tell you.
Charlie Eppes: Well, you and mom never thought about … I mean, I was never witness to any kind of …
Alan Eppes: That's exactly the way we wanted it.

---

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know what they say: Applied physicists are from Venus; Theoretical physicists wonder why it spins in the other direction.

Noisy Edge[edit]

Don Eppes: Hey, Charlie.
Charlie Eppes: Hey.
Don Eppes: What's up?
Charlie Eppes: Just grading tests for my non-linear dynamics class.
Don Eppes: Glad to see you're taking my advice and having some fun.

Man Hunt[edit]

Agent Cooper: We spent two weeks in a cemetery once, waiting for this guy to show up at his wife's grave. Grabbed him as he was putting a dozen roses on her headstone.
David Sinclair: She died while he was in prison, huh?
Agent Cooper: Just before he went. He's the one that killed her.

Charlie Eppes: Coincidences are a mathematical reality. Statistically unlikely events can and often do occur. Just look at the genesis of our planet.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, now, I agree that the factors that brought about life on Earth were statistically unlikely, but given the vastness of the cosmos, the limitless possibilities for matter and energy … I'm with Einstein on this. There are no accidents.

Season Two[edit]

Judgment Call[edit]

[Talking about a girl with interest in Don]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know, that term "dark matter" has always perplexed me. It fallaciously implies that the 95% of our universe that cannot be observed is some amorphous, eventless emptiness.
Amita Ramanujan: I'm sorry?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I guess it's all too human. Instead of admitting to the present limits of our knowledge, we just declare things to be unknowable.

Charlie Eppes: We all use math every day: to predict weather, to tell time, to handle money. Math is more than formulas or equations; it's logic, it's rationality, it's using your mind to solve the biggest mysteries we know.

Better or Worse[edit]

Don Eppes: Until we find dead bodies, this is still a search and rescue.

Larry Fleinhardt: [challenging Charlie to a game of air hockey] My physics versus your geometry.

Obsession[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Why do they want pictures of us?
Don Eppes: [yells] He's a famous mathematician!
Charlie Eppes: Don't do that.
Don Eppes: Hey, get your vogue on, Charlie.

Charlie Eppes: It's from someone who says she's a fan of my work. She's also a fan of my … hair.

Charlie Eppes: You know, this isn't the first love letter I've ever received. When I published my first article in the American Journal of Mathematics, I was invited to spend the weekend at a bed and breakfast in Santa Barbara.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Did you go?
Charlie Eppes: Ah, I was fourteen. My mother had to break the news to a very embarassed female professor at Berkeley.

Charlie Eppes: Agent Sinclair, you just happen to be talking to two card-carrying members of the North American Sundial Society.
David Sinclair: Let the good times roll.

Calculated Risk[edit]

Colby Granger: It's a white-collar fraud case. Nobody expected Martha Stewart to go down in a hail of bullets.

Don Eppes: [to bodyguards] I'm assuming you all have permits for those bulges in your jackets?

Alan Eppes: [to Don] My hope for grandchildren has been rekindled!

(Talking about a dispute between Larry and Ivan Tsgorski over a paper)

Charlie Eppes: Larry, I was there when he gave that paper. And you stood up and called him a big fat cheater in front of a room full of people.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, no. Now, you're exaggerating. That room could not have been more than half full.

Assassin[edit]

Colby Granger: You assulted a federal agent with a deadly weapon.
Henry Korfelt: It was a Volkswagen.

Don Eppes: So what does your behavioral science training tell you about a grown man who still lives with his mother?
Megan Reeves: About as much as two brothers still mooching meals at their dad's house three nights a week.

Charlie Eppes: Hey, hey, don't get all Fleinhardt on me. It's just the Physics Department Paper Airplane contest.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Fleinhardt? Since when did my last name become a predicate adjective?
Charlie Eppes: Since your students started using it that way.

Don Eppes: Who made this?
Charlie Eppes: Me. Why?
Don Eppes: Well, the wings are a bit thin.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Hey, wait, wait, let me see this.
Charlie Eppes: Forgive me if all my years in advanced applied mathematics take issues with that assessment.
Don Eppes: Well, forgive me if all my years in high school detention say I'm right.

Soft Target[edit]

Megan Reeves: [holding up a coffeebox used as a bioterrorism weapon] I love these. They make great lattes.

Charlie Eppes: Dad would be so happy if we married a doctor.
Don Eppes: Yeah, well, Dad would be happy if I married someone with a pulse.

Convergence[edit]

Charlie Eppes: The only keg party I ever threw [in college], he stole the keg.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know, Don, you and I are very alike. We are both focused on large possibly unattainable goals. Me trying to explain the workings of the universe …
Don Eppes: And what am I doing? Trying to take all those unworkable workings and put them in jail. Yeah, good luck to both of us.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Wisdom and genius: rarely present in equal abundance.
Charlie Eppes: (Reffering to Marshall Penfeild) What the Hell is that son of a bitch doing here?

In Plain Sight[edit]

Don Eppes: What's the deal? There are more people here in the middle of the night than at ten in the morning. It's like the FBI.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Curiosity. Not good for cats, great for scientists.

Charlie Eppes: I need the fastest way to the computer lab.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I know a shortcut through Metallurgy.

Toxin[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Is that the kind of stuff you talk about with Megan at lunch?
Don Eppes: Wait, hold on. You and Megan went out to lunch?
Alan Eppes: Please tell me you ordered something other than white food.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: This was a meal shared by two inquisitive minds in an intellectual pursuit.
Charlie Eppes: Of course it was, like all of your lunches with David. Oh, and with Colby.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: A gamma ray burst will release more energy in ten seconds than the sun will ever emit in its ten billion year lifespan.
Don Eppes: I got it, what's the Hulk's real name?
Charlie Eppes: Um, Bruce Banner.
Don Eppes: That's right. Didn't gamma rays turn him into the Hulk?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [ignoring them] They come from the farthest ends of the universe, and after 45 years, we're still uncertain of their origin.
Alan Eppes: And?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: And we're closer to an answer on that than the three of you will ever get on this.
[Larry leaves]
Charlie Eppes Megan …
Don Eppes: … and Larry.
Alan Eppes: Now, there's an image.

Colby Granger: [referring to Ian Edgerton] They say that guy's the bastard son of Clint Eastwood and Yoda.

David Sinclair: [referring to Colby's Fasination with Ian Edgerton] I'll get you an autograph.

Bones of Contention[edit]

Alan Eppes: Please tell me that the food will be a color other than white.

Larry Fleinhardt: My predilection to white food is not pathological …

Amita Ramanujan: So, Larry, what are you going to do with all of your stuff?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh, I don't know. Hey, you can take home your dinnerware if you want.

Charlie Eppes: There's a symmetry to my chaos.

Don Eppes: Hey boys, how we doing? What's for breakfast?
Charlie Eppes: Toast and tori.
Don Eppes: Tori? What do you mean, that looks like Cheerio's.
Charlie Eppes: Tori, plural of torus. A shape with a hole in it.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, topologically speaking.
Don Eppes: Mind if I have a rectangle?

Scorched[edit]

[Larry and Charlie are in the tub fully clothed, conducting an experiment]
Alan Eppes: No, I don't want to know what's going on.

Alan Eppes: I still have to take a shower.
[Larry holds up the hose]
Alan Eppes: No.

The O.G.[edit]

Don Eppes: It's okay. He's a mathematician. He speaks his own language.

Double Down[edit]

Alan Eppes: You're ruining the game for the schmucks who play it to enjoy.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yeah, well, those are the schmucks who should stick to slot machines.

Harvest[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [at sea, doing experiments] I'm going to go search for some dramamine.

The Running Man[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [after realizing where a thief would strike] my LIGO lab?

Protest[edit]

Don Eppes: Commie!
Alan Eppes: G-Man!

Mind Games[edit]

Charlie Eppes: What flavor of crazy Kool-Aid do they make you drink before you join the physics department?

Victor Borrego: You – you think I had something to do with this? Are you kidding?
Colby Granger: No, I got a whole 'nother kidding face.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: We can only see the universe through the limited prism of our senses.

Charlie Eppes: All right, let's all sit down around a Ouija board and try to solve P vs. NP once and for all.

All's Fair[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Nine! Nine! Nine!
Alan Eppes: Back off, Rain man.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [running through the CalSci campus in swimming trunks] Eureka! It's Archimedes all over again!

Alan Eppes: What is wrong with you? Amita is beautiful, this girl's a stunner; what do you need?
Don Eppes: I think he just wants to be the cutest in bed.

Dark Matter[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Hey, Amita, do you remember that we were going to do that one thing earlier?
Amita Ramanujan: What thing?
Charlie Eppes: That thing you said we needed to do. Let's go do it.
[Charlie and Amita leave]
Megan Reeves: What was that?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Merely a very crude attempt at lending privacy.

Guns and Roses[edit]

Don Eppes: Charlie, look. If I'm gonna rule her death a homicide, I need more than skating metaphors.

Rampage[edit]

Don Eppes: I'm cool until everything quiets down. Then it's like my head is a bad neighborhood to be in.

David Sinclair: What's the first thing a New Yorker notices about L.A.?
Megan Reeves: No good pizza.
David Sinclair: Okay, what's the second thing?

Charlie Eppes: We're gonna need the surveillance footage and some tripods, a laser pointer … and we're gonna need string.
Don Eppes: String?
Charlie Eppes: Lots of string.

Charlie Eppes: I realize the only thing I'm really afraid of is being afraid again.

Koketsu Sensei: Where'd you study?
Megan Reeves: I teach Krav Maga at the Y.

David Sinclair What're we gonna to do about it?
Colby Granger: I guess that depends on how many beers we've got left in that bag.

Charlie Eppes: Hey, where the hell did evidence response put the sugar?

Backscatter[edit]

Amita Ramanujan: Oh, by the way … Larry called, from his string theory conference. He was confused about something.
Charlie Eppes: What, his-his double special relativity theory?
Amita Ramanujan: No. Whether he was in St. Louis or Cleveland.
Charlie Eppes: [sighs] He's so geographically challenged. Where is his conference?
Amita Ramanujan: Minneapolis.

Colby Granger: [after David Sinclair was shot] He says to tell you he wants back ASAP, and that no, I can't have his desk.

Lt. Gary Walker: I tried something a little unorthodox. I consulted a mathematician.

Don Eppes: Hey Chuck you need some help back there? C'mon Susie Homemaker, we're ready to eat.
Charlie Eppes: If you call me Chuck one more time I swear,
Don Eppes: Yeah alright how 'bout "Chucky"?
Charlie Eppes: Chucky, how about I call you "Donald"?
Don Eppes: How about I called you "nerd"?

Undercurrents[edit]

David Sinclair: [panting from chasing after a suspect] Why do they always run?
Colby Granger: 'Cause we wear suits, man. You always figure you can outrun a guy in a suit.

Charlie Eppes: [To Amita when she is leaving, clearly upset] What, did I say something I shouldn't have?
Amita Ramanujan: I don't know, Charlie. It's just that my job is starting to feel like it's all about your job.

Colby Granger: [to David Sinclair as they walk into a Chinese strip club] We're the only white people in here.
David Sinclair: Yes … [looks at Granger] we are.

Hot Shot[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Dad got shot. During a hold-up at a grocery store. It was pretty … upsetting.
Don Eppes: Yeah, I bet.
Charlie Eppes: And Mom made pancakes.
Don Eppes: Pancakes?
Charlie Eppes: I don't even dream normally.

David Sinclair: Colby likes the boyfriend for it. (the murder)
Don Eppes: Yeah? And why is that?
David Sinclair: Guy claims he and Charlotte Daniels agreed not to have sex.
Megan Reeves: And in Granger's mind that immediately makes him a suspect.

Season Three[edit]

Spree[edit]

Megan Reeves: Well, I didn't run away from home, but I didn't walk either. And unlike Crystal, I can live with all of my decisions. I don't even regret most of them. Does that make you uncomfortable?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [shaking his head] Look. I'm a man who lives in hotel rooms and sleeps on couches.
[Pauses]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Does that make you uncomfortable?
Megan Reeves: Nooo, I find it oddly attractive.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: ugh You constantly put me in mind of the M57 Nebula, with these layers upon layers of endless complexities.
Megan Reeves: You know, I don't think I will ever tire of being compared to the M57 Nebula.

Two Daughters[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhart: ...the spectral properties of supernova remnant 1713.7-3946... [OK, he means RX J1713.7-3946, and its spectral properties are not all that special. Wish they'd had an astrophysics consultant as well as a math consultant!]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I should shut up, shouldn't I?
Megan Reeves: No-o, you should kiss me now.

Colby Granger: You kiddin' me? Fleinhardt and Megan?
David Sinclair: Yeah, man, for about, uh, a few weeks now.
Colby Granger: So everybody knows?
David Sinclair: Everybody knows now.
Colby Granger: Can't believe she didn't tell me.

Charlie rambling about maths, Don looking slightly dazed.
Ian Edgerton: Anyone else following this?
Colby Granger: You just nodd your head and wait for the punchline.

Provenance[edit]

David Sinclair: You speak French?
Don Eppes: There was a girl, once upon a time.

The Mole[edit]

Charlie Eppes: I'm using differential equations to perfect the chocolate chip cookie.
Amita Ramanujan: [takes a bite of a cookie] Needs bigger chips.

Traffic[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [on highway attacks not being random] What about meteors?
Charlie Eppes: No, Larry. Not even the FBI can stop meteors.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, not yet, maybe … but …

Megan Reeves: Seven random freeway attacks and not one of them fits the profile of a random freeway attack? … I mean, is it possible for something to be too random to be random?

Charlie Eppes: Larry, is everything all right?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Everything? Well, I'm not sure that I can account for the state of all matter, but …
Charlie Eppes: You know exactly what I'm talking about! Stop trying to Fleinhardt your way around answering me!

Longshot[edit]

Don Eppes: You decided that maybe you were too old to be making out in the backseat of a car?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Also … car … no backseat.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Actually, I may have before me a problem that cannot be drummed away.
Charlie Eppes: Megan?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: She's … she's exiting and she's beautiful, and this thing that is between us, it's beginning to affect my work!
Charlie Eppes: What is going on between you two?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [stresses every single word] I have not the slightest idea!
Charlie Eppes: Well, you never worked well with emotionally uncertainty!
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You think that's it? You think that a emotional uncertainty lies at the heart of all this?
Charlie Eppes: Really, I'm not as familiar with that side of you.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [sighs] No … nor, it seems, am I.

Blackout[edit]

[Larry and Charlie are arguing]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Tighten it.
Charlie Eppes: [slaps Larry's hand] Don't touch it.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Hey. Play nice.

Don Eppes: Don't go all Isaac Newton on me.
Charlie Eppes: Sir Isaac Newton.

Hardball[edit]

Megan Reeves: Twenty minutes ago I was on the couch, watching Blazing Saddles in my pajamas. This better be good.
Charlie Eppes: Oh, this is better than good.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Your red cowgirl PJs?
Megan Reeves: [grins] Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Oh … [stares into space, apparently contemplating the scene]

Colby Granger: You know what this place kinda reminds me of?
David Sinclair: Let me guess, Blade Runner.
Colby Granger: Yeah, exactly. I think Ridley Scott knew what the future was going to look like.

Oswald Kittner: I get shot at, and you guys respond to it by doing math?
Charlie Eppes: That's how we roll at CalSci.

Oswald Kittner: Are the numbers supposed to be glowing at some point?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I have noticed that some expressions have a certain shimmering quality to them.

Waste Not[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Change is inevitable, and those who adapt most quickly are the most likely to survive.

Brutus[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Were I in a less ebullient frame of mind, I might very well just bop you in the nose.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I believe that's my copy of the Quarterly Review of Cosmology?
Charlie Eppes: Yeah, it is …
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Why are we engaged in combat over it?

Charlie Eppes: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Colby Granger: No.

Charlie Eppes: No one likes to hear I told you so.

Colby Granger: A = B = C = D. It's like one of Charlie's equations … I can't believe I just said that.

[Murderer wants to commit suicide by jumping off a roof]
David Sinclair: Look at me, look at me. Carlos, look at me! I don't wanna do anything. Just wanna talk to you, okay? Give me two minutes, [then] go on you do whatever you got to do, okay?
Carlos: [looks at him] Just talk?
David Sinclair: Just wanna talk!
[Colby dashes after Carlos from the other side and pulls him back]
Carlos: You lied to me!
Colby Granger: David, apologize to the man for saving his life!

Don Eppes: [to CIA agent] I just shot a man tonight! [referring to Brutus test subject]
CIA Agent: [to Don] Yes, and your country thanks you. [sticks hand for shake]
[Eppes punches CIA Agent in the face]
Megan Reeves: I'd stay down unless you wanna get hit again.

Killer Chat[edit]

Don Eppes: Who ya gonna call?
David Sinclair: Charlie.

[After giving Larry back his lucky T-shirt]
Charlie Eppes: You're rocketing into space, Larry. There's no downside in packing a lucky shirt.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Well, it's only six months, though I will be traveling two hundred and fifty miles above the Earth at eighteen thousand miles an hour. It's only a phone call away … albeit a very expensive phone call.

Nine Wives[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Hey … so, we're gonna be back sometime Sunday night.
Alan Eppes: In time for dinner?
Charlie Eppes: Well, it is a math conference at Stanford … so chances are we may be a little late.

Don Eppes: What's he want with this little girl?
Rachel: Most likely, his 73rd wife.

Dr. Millie Finch: This bull's got problems.

Finders Keepers[edit]

Charlie Eppes: I gotta tell ya, from a mathematical standpoint the designs for this yacht are absolutley amazing. It almost has me thinking about getting back into my fluid dynamics work again.
Alan Eppes: Oh. I mean, abandon your cognitive emergence theory.
Charlie Eppes: I said "almost".
Alan Eppes: Oh, good, because I remember the damage some of those fluid dynamics experiments did on the pond in the backyard.
Charlie Eppes: Oh, all the koi lived.

Take Out[edit]

Don Eppes: Do you think I need help?
Megan Reeves: I don't think they've made the person yet who doesn't.

Megan Reeves: So where's all the money go?
Amita Ramanujan: Most of the money stays in Mexico.
Charlie Eppes: Death Squad Retirement fund.

Don Eppes: [seeing Charlie in his tux] Nice. Very … ah …
Charlie Eppes: James Bond?
Colby Granger: No.
Charlie Eppes: Yeah, no, I didn't think so either.

Dr. Mildred Finch: In Antarctica we were used to doing everything very quietly. It's like a big library … with penguins.

Alan Eppes: You save all the dirty jobs for yourself.
Don Eppes: I do what has to be done – it's not like I like doing the dirty work.

Charlie Eppes: Since when did you become my conscience?
Amita Ramanujan: Around the same time we started making out.

Charlie Eppes: My circle tangent joke went right over the senator's head.

End of Watch[edit]

Amita Ramanujan: Byzantines fighting side by side with Cowboys and Indians?
Charlie Eppes: I had an imaginative childhood.

Contenders[edit]

Charlie Eppes: [showing his laptop monitor to David and Colby] Now, this is Professor Stanley Novich, and this is where the door to his lab used to be.
David Sinclair: What do you mean, "used to be"?
Charlie Eppes: I had one of my Dad's contractor friends bring in a crew last night. They drywalled his doorway, they painted it to match the wall. [sniggers]

David Sinclair: The dude has always made me crazy. Ever know anyone like that?
Don Eppes: Well, you know Charlie, right?

One Hour[edit]

William Bradford: You want to feel better? Take a pill. You want to get right? Face the truth.

William Bradford: Coffee?
Don Eppes: Ah, yeah. Er, no. Yeah, sure.
William Bradford: Maybe decaf.

Don Eppes: [to Bradford, screaming] I'm their boss. It's not my job to trust them, it's their job to trust me!

Colby Granger: Good thing I stretched this morning.
Che Lobo: What are you doing?
Colby Granger: If you show up at the drop, he's gonna kill you. If I show up, at least there's a chance he'll settle for the money
Che Lobo: Maybe he'll kill you too.
Colby Granger: I know, doesn't seem fair does it? [Colby starts running with duffel bag of cash]

Democracy[edit]

Alan Eppes: Great! Now I have two jaded, world-weary sons!
Don Eppes: And this one's got a shrink to prove it.

Oswald Kittner: Unless there's a self-perpetuating element involved, like, er, nano-technology. Okay, you know when you stack up champagne glasses and fill them with champagne. You only pour the champagne into the top glass, and then it overflows to the others. It requires resources applied in one location, then it spreads.
Alan Eppes: Oh, good God, another one?

Charlie Eppes: Hey, do me a favour. Go find Dr. Finch. Tell her we need a priority run on the super computer, and, you know, be convincing.
Oswald Kittner: I'll tell her the fate of democracy's at stake.
Charlie Eppes: I like that.

Pandora's Box[edit]

Don Eppes: Yeah, relax, you got the fifth best shot in the country covering your ass.
Ian Edgerton: [relaxes his hand and makes his hands shake] Hey, fourth. You don't wanna ask how I moved up one spot.

Charlie Eppes: I can't believe it. Right in the middle of my lecture!
Alan Eppes: Charlie, I'm as embarrassed as you are.
Charlie Eppes: You were snoring!

Ian Edgerton: [after threading a kill shot through two closed pickup truck cab windows and a suspect's skull] That oughtta move me up to number three.

[Suspect runs out of apartment building and jumps in car]
Ian Edgerton: [taps on window with a gun] Bet I can pull the trigger before you hit the gas.

Burn Rate[edit]

Charlie Eppes: [reading from the Manifesto] When biotechnology creates a marketplace where genetic material, who we are, can be bought and sold like a slave in the block, there is no freedom there.

The Art of Reckoning[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Are we all so bad down here?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Beauty and fragility of life on Earth, it takes my breath away.
Charlie Eppes: So what's your problem?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: That I will habituate and lose the vision.

Charlie Eppes: I feel like I'm in some dream with the ghost Larry, and I just want to wake up and talk to the real guy.

Dr. Millie Finch: One small step for Larry, one giant leap for CalSci.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [voicemail] Greetings, earth-bound homo sapiens, I am orbiting your lovely blue planet until Earth-year 2007. You may leave a message here, or simply call out to the heavens. I will be listening.

Under Pressure[edit]

Alan Eppes: That's why using the water system makes perfect sense. They don't need to spread the poison themselves, the city distribution system will do the work for them!

Money for Nothing[edit]

William Bradford: You talk a lot about your work, but I want to go a little further. What else is in your life?
Don Eppes: Wha' … that I'm a workaholic with commitment issues that has a hard time trusting people, isn't enough?

Don Eppes: You were … actually walking home?
Charlie Eppes: Well, yeah, 'cause once I … once I got to the road, it was pretty easy.
Don Eppes: I mean, he's eight.
Charlie Eppes: I like walking. You know, that's like … that's my sport. You got hockey, you got baseball. I walk.
Don Eppes: Like … like speed walking?
Charlie Eppes: No, like normal … you've never taken a walk?

Charlie Eppes: Hey, how you doin', I'm Charlie.
Sari Kinshasa: Sari Kinshasa.
Alan Eppes: And I'm Alan.
Sari Kinshasa: Hello. You're FBI agents?
Charlie Eppes: I'm an FBI consultant.
Alan Eppes: I'm an FBI … dad.

The Janus List[edit]

Ashby: I'm a speed dial away from collapsing this bridge.

Charlie Eppes: So I am an FBI. You know, I work for the FBI.
Woman: Can't you protect him?
Charlie Eppes: Well, uh, actually, I'm a mathematician.

Season Four[edit]

Trust Metric[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Charles, the monks do not appreciate FBI agents knocking on their doors, especially during the morning contemplation.

Charlie Eppes: Don, you have a big ego.
Don Eppes: Thanks.
Charlie Eppes: No, you have a ginormous ego.
Don Eppes: Thanks.

Charlie Eppes: I know math is full of absolutes; unfortunately, the rest of the world isn't.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You can contemplate silence, but you can never find it.

Hollywood Homicide[edit]

Megan Reeves: It's hard to believe people line up to get into this place.
David Sinclair: Lots more line up to get turned away. Don't ever say I don't take you to the hottest places.

Velocity[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Other things keep thinking me.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [in reference to darts] Unfortunately, my bird keeps trying to nest in the hallway.

Thirteen[edit]

Alan Eppes: Look at this workload of mine. How do these kids do it?
Charlie Eppes: They're kids.

David Sinclair: Manager says he's a model tenant. Quiet, pays his rent on time.
Colby Granger: Yeah, and the Son of Sam's the Employee of the Month.

Colby Granger: Not to diss his decorating sense, but I've definitely seen obsession done better.

Robin Hood[edit]

Charlie Eppes: You're right.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: About what?

Don Eppes: I told you they got me seeing a therapist?
Lt. Gary Walker: Who isn't these days?

Lt. Gary Walker: I've gotten used to not understanding what the hell you're talking about.
Charlie Eppes: It's great to see you too, Lieutenant.

Charlie Eppes: The two great adult influences in my life are heading off to blow up pumpkins.

Lt. Gary Walker: Scotch always tastes better if someone else is buying.

In Security[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: That page is blank.
Charlie Eppes: Not after I sign it.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I'm the only one here who has visitors. Even the vow of silence guys are grumbling.

Primacy[edit]

Amita Ramanujan: I got it! I stole his mojo bag!
Charlie Eppes: [to Megan and Colby via phone] She just stole his mojo.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Charles, you look like someone just stole your chalk.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Who is this person that belongs to this mess?

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I sense a big hairy "but" coming. Ooh, pardon my terrible pun.

Charlie Eppes: I know how to trap this guy.
Colby Granger: Yeah? Does it involve your deceptive upper body strength?

Binky Moore: The nerds love me.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [to Alan] You can move in with me, but I don't live anywhere.

Charlie Eppes: I have the willpower of a field mouse!
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: But in that field you are a very popular mouse!

Tabu[edit]

Don Eppes: Let me ask you something not about this.
David Sinclair: About Liz?
Don Eppes: Yeah, how did you know?
David Sinclair: You asked permission to ask.

Amita Ramanujan: If we had a DTMF decoder … that's a Dual-tone multi-frequency. It's touchtone.
David Sinclair: Why couldn't you have just said that to begin with?
Amita Ramanujan: Yeah, but it wouldn't have been as much fun.

David Sinclair: Any hunch from Charlie is like a hunch plus.

Don Eppes: Megan's on a bit of a timeout.
David Sinclair: Again?

Charlie Eppes: Knocking on the door from 300 miles above Earth.
David Sinclair: Well, we're about to knock a lot harder.

Graphic[edit]

Megan Reeves: Hugh Jackman in a Wolverine outfit. Now, that was hot.

Ross Moore: Justice? Kid, you read too many comic books.

Charlie Eppes: Galactus? That's the guy who ate planets.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yeah, but he was stellar Darwinism. He was necessary to the survival of the universe.
Charlie Eppes: What?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: He was the third four, along with eternity and death.
Charlie Eppes: Larry, he wanted to eat the Earth.

Megan Reeves: Naked carjacking. That's the worst kind.

Alan Eppes: Charlie sees math as beautiful, and he wants everyone else to love it the way he does.

Chinese Box[edit]

Don Eppes: You gotta give up on this one, buddy.
Charlie Eppes: I didn't get where I am by giving up on being right.

Charlie Eppes: [watching the elevators] If we were to stand here for several hours …
Alan Eppes: Saved by the bell!

Charlie Eppes: He's Warspying.
Liz Warner: Just when I'm convinced you can't come up with something new.

Alan Eppes: What? So we'll just wait?
Charlie Eppes: Until they need me.
Alan Eppes: What are they gonna need you for?
Charlie Eppes: There's always something.

Ben Blakely: It's the human urge to light up the dark corners for answers in other people…but at the end of the day, there are no answers there. Just more lives as sad and singular as our own

Breaking Point[edit]

Charlie Eppes: There is nothing wrong with my driving.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: So the chorus of car horns that follows in your wake … what is that? A spontaneous phenomenon?

Charlie Eppes: Dad, you called a tenured university professor to come fix the koi pond?

Amita Ramanujan: Charlie, you really can't be too careful.
Charlie Eppes: You're wrong. This is proof right here you can be too careful.

Colby Granger: You can't just keep going around telling everybody you're fine.
Charlie Eppes: Well, obviously, I'm not fine.
Colby Granger: That's why you got to do something about it. It doesn't matter how scared you were. It doesn't matter if you wet your pants, man. There's nobody out here who's gonna hear it.

Alan Eppes: Oh, come on, no. The house is fine – it's old, but it works … you know, mostly … I mean, it's a lot like me.

Ray Galuski: No offense, but if you got to get a FBI bodyguard, why not get that hot one we worked with, Agent Reeves? Pretty sure she was diggin' me!
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know, actually, Ray – Agent Reeves – or Megan – and I, we're kind of involved.
Ray Galuski: [laughs] … You're serious?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yeah, I am. And a little less incredulity on your part would be appreciated.
Ray Galuski: No, Larry, sorry. It's just that how often do women like that get involved with guys like us? Nice going!
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Okay, well – thank you!

Alan Eppes: [to Don, about Charlie] He's not one of your agents! You know that, right?

Power[edit]

Alan Eppes: They're having an all-night math-a-thon in the living room.

Rapist: It's just sex, guys.
Colby Granger: We'll see how you feel when you become someone's cell block bitch.

Black Swan[edit]

Charlie Eppes: We're going to need dry-erase boards. Lots of dry-erase boards.

[David asks Colby to climb up the trellis]
Colby Granger: Yeah. Colby, go down the elevator shaft. Colby, jump in the bay. Hey, Colby, climb the Sixth Street Bridge.
David Sinclair: I went out on the bridge with you, okay?

David Sinclair: What's the deal with the waffles, man?
Amita Ramanujan: I think it's Charlie's way of saying that your family is whoever you want to eat waffles with.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: That's a worthy sentiment.
Megan Reeves: And one that's even better with syrup.

David Sinclair: [talking to Colby] You, my friend, are a prisoner of high standards and low social skills.

Checkmate[edit]

Robin Brooks: You can be a real bastard sometimes.
Don Eppes: Yeah! My shrink said something like that!
Robin Brooks: This shrink – has he taught you how to say "I was wrong" yet?

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: When I'm stuck, I've always found the work pattern of a certain Englishman to be inspirational.
Amita Ramanujan: Sir Isaac Newton?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: No, Sherlock Holmes.

Charlie Eppes: According to my instructor, in the event of a firefight my best course of action is to get into a fetal position and call for my mama.

Megan Reeves: At least it's not porn.
David Sinclair: That would be Granger's computer.
Colby Granger: Only on Saturday nights.

End Game[edit]

Don Eppes: All right, so where is the "I told you so"?
Liz Warner: You made the call you thought was right. It sucks being the boss. But you know what? It's not a democracy.

Liz Warner: Okay, so you're thinking if Ferraro and Porter are trained to act in a certain way, we'll be able to predict what their next move will be?
Colby Granger: Yeah. Maybe Charlie will be able to slap it into one of those algorithmic, geo-profiling, hot-zone hot-pocket deals.
Don Eppes: Put it just like that when you ask him.

Atomic No. 33[edit]

Alan Eppes: [to Larry] Not everyone has the emotional and intellectual resource to search for God in a supercollider.

David Sinclair: I hate to break this up, but I was about to pass out from the marker fumes.
Amita Ramanujan: Ah, yes, that would be the lemon. I told you it was too much.
Charlie Eppes: [sniffing the pen] I like it.
David Sinclair: It smells like a urinal cake.

Charlie Eppes: Oh boy, that's the fourth security camera we passed since they buzzed us through the gate.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Extremist in Orwellian paranoia as well as stunted religious beliefs.

M.E. Ridenhour: We all have normal levels of heavy metal like arsenic or mercury in our bodies. Hair shows abnormal dosages.
David Sinclair: Even a year later?
M.E. Ridenhour: They dug up Napoleon and it worked on him, so yeah, I think we still got a window here.

David Sinclair: "Was gonna wait for the fire department to get here, but uh Granger made me look bad by running in there."
Don Eppes: "Ah."
Colby Granger: "Right the reluctant hero, hey, at least you got to carry the girl."

Pay to Play[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Her parents were both schooled here. They raised her here. I'm sure they're very intelligent, cosmopolitan people.
Charlie Eppes: They tried to arrange a marriage for her.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yeah, that had slipped my mind.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I haven't heard of any of these artists, and it's not like I've been living in a cave.
Charlie Eppes: No, just a space station and a monastery … and – oh yeah! – the steam tunnels.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Point taken.

Amita Ramanujan: I didn't say it was rational, it just feels weird.
Charlie Eppes: My Dad knows you spend the night. That's never been weird.
Alan Eppes: Well, it's weird now, thank you very much.

Charlie Eppes: Hey, Larry. How was the departmental breakfast?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: It was less than stellar. I was running late, and the only available seat was next to Professor Heinslose.
Charlie Eppes: The slurper.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know, all he had was the fruit plate, and he was deafening.

Charlie Eppes: I'm in!
Alan Eppes: Oh yeah, you're in. But you must realise of course, that now you have to marry her.

When Worlds Collide[edit]

Charlie Eppes: [to Don] You and I have two very different world views, and that's fine. But now you're crossing into my world and making assumptions about how people like me can or should work.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I have to confess, this whole business of rearranging DNA to suit human needs, I find very exciting; in this rather … life-threatening, world-ending sort of way.

Season Five[edit]

High Exposure[edit]

Colby Granger: [to Ian Edgerton] "What are you doing here?"
Ian Edgerton: "I caught up with an escaped convict in Riverside, tonight I fly out of LAX to Oslo, fugitive stockbroker."
Colby Granger: "So you came down here to taunt us with your lack of availability?"

Ian Edgerton: "I don't know if you guys need a tracker."
David Sinclair: "A lot of innocent people up here, kids, families, hikers, puppies."

Alan Eppes: "You know the first time my wife and I took charlie to the pediatrician for an earache, he wouldn't let the doctor examine his ear because he thought the doctor just might see the thinking in his head. The doctor declared him the second most stubborn kid he'd ever met."
Ian Edgerton: "and the first?"
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: "Let me guess, Don?"
Alan Eppes: "You got it."

Ian Edgerton: [to man with rifle] "You might miss, I won't!"

Decoy Effect[edit]

Alan Eppes: Listen, Charlie, when you're dealing with the Government, it doesn't hurt to have more than just the facts on your side.

Nikki Betancourt: The perp fled in a brown truck,... flower truck or bread truck.
Don Eppes: Stolen, right?
Nikki Betancourt: Unless we're looking at a gang of rogue bakers.

Blowback[edit]

Charlie Eppes: I gotta go.
Alan Eppes: Clearance or no clearance, he still knows how to make an exit.

David Sinclair: [about Colby sleeping with a suspect] Screwing up is leaving your gun in the bathroom. This is messed up!

Charlie: You know, the LAPD is a fascinating organization; they invented SWAT, they invented community policing, the DARE program...
Larry: Not to mention w:Joe Friday
Amita: Oh yeah, he's from Dragnet, right?
Charlie: Yeah, and you know, his badge number, 714? It's been retired, no officer can wear it.
Larry: That's odd, that's the same number stamped on US-made Quaalude tablets.
(awkward pause)
Larry: It's not really relevant how I know that

Jack of All Trades[edit]

Girl: Will you take a picture of me and my friends?
Liz Warner: No. But I'll take your camera.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Charlie, don't move, don't move. His head was like this. You make a terrible assistant.

David Sinclair: [to Charlie] It must feel good to be legit again.

Colby Granger: Morning, sunshine. Are we Kelli Rand fans or what?

David Sinclair: What is this? She waits till now to get interesting. That's awesome.

Scan Man[edit]

David Sinclair: Check this out! Two men died for a truckload of empty boxes.

Charlie Eppes: This is one time the haystack is gonna tell us more than the needles.
Larry Fleinhardt: We got thousands of trucks, millions of parcels, this is one large haystack Charlie!

Magic Show[edit]

Don Eppes: You're just not into BBall, huh?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: It brings out the worst in otherwise reasonable people.

Nikki Betancourt: [seeing David on the news about a missing magician] Agent Harry Potter, first on the scene!

Charlie Don't Surf[edit]

Colby Granger: Thanks for running. Easier to tell who's guilty.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [talking about the way Charlie is wearing his Neoprene suit] I'm fairly certain the zipper goes in back.

Thirty-Six Hours[edit]

Don Eppes: [to suspect] Watch your head.
[Crashes suspects head into the car roof, Nikki smiles]
Don Eppes: [to Nikki] I don't want you doing stuff like that. I want you to be better than me.

Colby Granger: [after hearing his weekend is cancelled] Rest is for the weary!

Conspiracy Theory[edit]

Liz Warner: [showing Don the picture of a suspect] I already ran Hitchcock here through Quantico, nothing yet.

Colby Granger: [reading a conspiracy site] FBI: fools, bureaucrats and idiots!

Frienemies[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Where's the glasses?
Marshell Pentfield: Where's the hair?

David Sinclair: In a world where mathematicians go mano a mano with a killer.
Colby Granger: This time it's personal.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Boys, don't make me pull the math car over.

Marshell Pentfield: God, why am I so stupid?
Charlie Eppes: Do you want answers 1–50 or 50–100?

Marshell Pentfield: We got to get this guy. He made me itch in front of strangers.

[Colby and David walk into a neighborhood being run by a criminal and everyone promptly goes into their homes]
Colby Granger: Everybody knows our name, but nobody's glad we came.

Charlie Eppes: It sounds like they created a classic game theory scenario, doesn't it?
Marshell Pentfield: Yes, it does. "Johnny von Neumann", the old three man gunfight.
Colby Granger: A mathematical gunfight, huh?
Marshell Pentfield: Imagine a duel between three people. Now, I'm the worst shot. I hit the target once every three tries.
[Indicates Charlie]
Marshell Pentfield: One of my opponents is better. Hits it twice every three shots.
[Indicates Colby]
Marshell Pentfield: The third guy is a dead shot. He never misses. Now, each gets one shot. As the worst, I go first. Then Charlie, then Colby. Who do I aim for, for my one shot?
Colby Granger: I guess me 'cause I'm the biggest danger, right?
Marshell Pentfield: [makes a gun shooting motion toward Charlie] I shoot Eppsey first, but not for the obvious reasons. Chances are two to one I'm going to miss.
Charlie Eppes: And now it's my turn. Logic says I shoot Colby. [makes shooting motion toward Colby]
Colby Granger: Right, 'cause if I'm still standing, I'm gonna shoot you, and I don't miss.
Charlie Eppes: Exactly.
Marshell Pentfield: As the worst, I use the two better shooters against each other.

[Charlie is explaining something]
Marshell Pentfield: How do you not have your own show on PBS?

Arrow of Time[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Within the small sphere of our lives we can stare into the past, but all we can really change is our future.

Ugly Joe: [About three escapees from prison] Unless we hear reports about three badasses terrorizing the countryside in their underwear, count on a change of clothes, too.

Jacked[edit]

Bus driver: This is Hollywood! Watch your step! Breaking your leg here does not bring you any luck!

Amita Ramanujan: [about Larry and Alan arguing] It's like this one time, when Bugs Bunny tricks Duffy Duck into declaring duck season, by declaring rabbit season. And then Elmer Fudd shoots Duffy Duck and his beak spin around. It's really very funny!

Trouble in Chinatown[edit]

Charlie Eppes: [to Amita] It's too quiet with my dad away, drop a spoon or something.

Amita Ramanujan: Imagine Alan in high school. Hanging out by the bike racks, snapping towels in the shower.
Charlie Eppes: Thanks for the shower image.

Sneakerhead[edit]

Don Eppes: Is this going to get us anywhere, or are we just digressing?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: When do I ever digress?

Nikki Betancourt: [after David opened a secret vault] How'd you do that?
David Sinclair: It worked for Batman.

David Sinclair: [about the thiefs] Let me get this straight. They passed up paintings and diamonds for...
Nikki Betancourt: Sneakers!?

Guilt Trip[edit]

Colby Granger: I seem like a roast beef kind of guy to you?
David Sinclair: I won't discuss another man's meat.

Alan Eppes: Listen, when you're done with that, would you mind looking at something for me?
Charlie Eppes: Yeah, sure, what is it?
Alan Eppes: My profile. I'm joining Facebook... Well, I figured, since I'm back in college I might as well hook up with some old friends, maybe even find some new ones. People with similar interests as mine.
Charlie Eppes: Interests in what? High School Musical?

Cover Me[edit]

Liz Warner: Look at you, back in Narc training you didn't even drink and now you're the drug prince of L.A.!
Cam: Why do you think we never hooked up back then?
Liz Warner: I d... you were married!

Colby Granger: [about the way David is handling Liz] You better hope you don't have a daughter.
David Sinclair: What are you talking about?
Colby Granger: Imagine how you're gonna be, when she turns sixteen!

First Law[edit]

Coach: [about the "Granny shot" being more effective than the overhead shot] But there's something about that shot... it... it just doesn't look right.
Charlie Eppes: Well Coach, that's the whole point of this thing. I mean, if we're gonna end CalSci's 15 year losing streak, we gotta find the best shot, not the shot that looks right.

Jane Karellen: "You weaponized my telescope!", I hope that's not a Fleinhardt metaphor.

12:01 AM[edit]

John Curtis: [about his last meal] There's no ketchup! They always forget the ketchup.

Basketball Player: [after Charlie holds his motivational speech] Coach, what the hell are you talking about?

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [after the referee kicks him out] What did I say? All I did was calling him a black hole!
Alan Eppes: [realizing the unintended pun] You called him a black hole?

Animal Rites[edit]

Amita Ramanujan: [about two usernames never being online at the same time] It's like Superman and Clark Kent, never at the same place at the same time.
Charlie Eppes: The same person.

The Fifth Man[edit]

Charlie Eppes: My first day at CalSci, I stood in this office, and Biederman sat right there and he gave me the onceover and asked: "Are you the Boygenius that everybody says you are?"
Amita Ramanujan: And now Biederman is retired and you are the man... oh, pardon me... the Mangenuis!

Nikki Betancourt: [on lookout with Don] So we got our math, we got our eyes in the area, my boy Tom Petty says waiting is the hardest part.

Disturbed[edit]

David Sinclair: [about Charlie] He's working on a theory.
Colby Granger: Serial killer, and nobody noticed but him.
Nikki Betancourt: How'd he figured?
Colby Granger: Signals from deep space?

Roy McGill: [showing Charlie his headquarters] Welcome to the truth cave!

Roy McGill: I think the Bureau calls me a 'conspiracy nut'.

Greatest Hits[edit]

Colby Granger: This er... dead Jack in the box, his name is Greg Berlin.
Don Eppes: That's our best lead. Let's get on it then?
Nikki Betancourt: We could, but I'm pretty sure it's a dead end.
David Sinclair: [about Nikki predicting where to find a body before] Here we go again, 'The Amazing Nikki'.

David Sinclair: They are replaying bank robberies Greatest Hits!

Angels and Devils[edit]

Piper St. John: Zombie with a gun, waiting for words that will never come!
Colby Granger: You mentioned that already. In the car, during processing and in the elevator.

Amita Ramanujan: [to her kidnapper] My book will be called 'Two days with a computer illiterate'!

Charlie Eppes: You know what this whole year made crystal clear to me? You have no idea what your life's gonna look like in 5 years from now... or one year from now... or a week. It all turns on a dime... and the things that matter... you don't wanna turn around and realise you've lost... while you were waiting. You know I love you so much...
Amita Ramanujan: I love you too!
Charlie Eppes: [goes down on one knee] Amita... will you marry me?


Season Six[edit]

Hangman[edit]

Colby Granger: Looks like you jumped the gun Charlie, nobody's been shot yet.

Charlie Eppes: You know, in some circles I'm considered very funny.
Colby Granger: FBI circles?

Sniper: Don't get between Benjamin Pope and the bullet with his name on it.

Friendly Fire[edit]

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: A CalSci tradition holds, that the only way, you can turn a paper in late, is to make your way through this tunnels and find the way to the professors office.
Alan Eppes: Are you sure your compass works?

Nikki Betancourt: Your handsome, you got a good job, there's no reason why you shouldn't have a girlfriend.
David Sinclair: If you would take as much interest in your workload as you do in my love life, you would have caught Bin Laden and DB Cooper by now.

7 Men Out[edit]

Alan Eppes: What am I missing? Do I have to wait for Larry King?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: The royal astronomical society published a paper recalculating the demise of the earth and shortening it's lifespan considerably.
Charlie Eppes: We still got another 7,59 billion years.

Charlie Eppes: I began looking for answers in the desert. [picks up mini zen garden]
Don Eppes: That was on Larry's desk, right?
Charlie Eppes: He's got me babysitting it.

Where Credit's Due[edit]

Girl: [seeing a wooden crate in the middle of newhere] That's weird!
Boy: No, that's a wooden crate. What's weird is driving way up here to find it.

Amita Ramanujan: [comes into Charlie's office, closes the door and kisses him] This ring's got a funny effect on me.
Charlie Eppes: You closed the door.
Amita Ramanujan: Yes, I did.
Charlie Eppes: Did you lock the door? [Larry comes in]

Hydra[edit]

Charlie Eppes: [talking about how they can trace a car by it's sound] Now, all we have to do is filter out L.A.'s other 11.999.999 cars.
Amita Ramanujan: And a little luck wouldn't hurt.

Amita Ramanujan: When you get married in India you marry the entire family.
David Sinclair: Somebody should tell Don.

Dream Land[edit]

Agent Floyd: Colby! That's my grandmother's name! Let's get going, then, shall we?
[Drags a still-in-shock Colby away]

Colby Granger: Why do I feel like I'm in a Scooby-Doo cartoon?
Nikki Betancourt: Jinkies, Fred, I don't know.

Shadow Markets[edit]

Amita Ramanujan: Tal Feigenbaum is easily as good a hacker as Augie.
Charlie Eppes: Yeah, he's probably trying to … decode the backdoor, too.
Don Eppes: You know, what if he's not trying to hack Augie? I mean, what if he's trying to find him?
Amita Ramanujan: IRC. Internet Relay Chat. It's how hackers talk when they don't want to be overheard.
Charlie Eppes: It's a pretty primitive chat program.
Amita Ramanujan: Think of it like shipping channels in the ocean. You can't see them until a boat cuts through the water leaving a wake. If two boats meet in the middle of the ocean to swap a load of illegal drugs, you have to catch them in real time, otherwise there's no evidence of the meeting left behind.
Charlie Eppes: No names, no accounts, no records of exchange.
Don Eppes: Well, how do they see each other?
Amita Ramanujan: Online names.
Don Eppes: Okay, so what, we've got "the_fist", and, and … what's Augie's?
Amita Ramanujan: [points at the website] "00zemeister". I'll set up an alarm to alert us if either name enters an IRC channel.
Don Eppes: Can we see what they're saying?
Amita Ramanujan: In leetspeak. Luckily, I speak leet.
Charlie Eppes: That's so hot!

Charlie Eppes: All right, Feigenbaum's online!
Nikki Betancourt: I'll get Don.
Charlie Eppes: What are they saying?
Amita Ramanujan: Okay. "I've got a surprise for you." "Funny, got one for you, too."
Don Eppes: You got a trace?
Charlie Eppes: Yeah, but they're probably bouncing around a hundred IPs. I mean, they'll be offline before we get a location.
Amita Ramanujan: "We should meet." "Ha ha. Touch my system and it will eat your young." Okay, that was Augie.
Don Eppes: Okay, so Feigenbaum wants to meet.
Charlie Eppes: Augie's rewriting his code.
Amita Ramanujan: Hey, you guys, wait. This is going to be over in a second.
Nikki Betancourt: Can we get a screenshot?
[Amita enters a series of commands]
Amita Ramanujan: Got it!

Ultimatum[edit]

Nikki Betancourt: [about one of Charlie's analogies] So the snake sits around all day and gets fat?

Ian Edgerton: Prison is for convicted felons, aren't we skipping a step?

Nikki Betancourt: [to Charlie about a game] So you're turning down free money, because you wanna punish me?

Colby granger : I hate to be the one who breaks this to you but you're already (referring to jail)

Con Job[edit]

John Buckley: [about their previous encounter] We had fun, didn't we? Oh, by the way, is that genius brother of yours still working with you?
Don Eppes: This three men, that hijacked that bus used your plan.
John Buckley: You don't think I'm in on this, do you? I'm doing seven to ten here. You think some crook is gonna take my share of 16 Mio. and put it in a cookie jar until I get out?

Alan Eppes: I'm a traditionalist. I like to get my news like a human being.
Amita Ramanujan: Yeah, I've seen the human being that gives this report. She makes Pamela Anderson look like a refugee.
Alan Eppes: I know, but she reads beautifully.

Amita Ramanujan: You know, I've been thinking about what Buckley said... about honeymooning in Costa Rica.
Charlie Eppes: Depending on the time of year, lots of rain.
Amita Ramanujan: We'll bring umbrellas.
Charlie Eppes: Scorpions! They got scorpions down there that sleep in peoples shoes.
Amita Ramanujan: So we'll wear sandals.
Charlie Eppes: Very long flight.
Amita Ramanujan: Not if we take separate planes. [Don enters]
Amita Ramanujan: What do you think about Costa Rica?
Don Eppes: Ahm, I don't know. I hear they've got a lot of scorpions.

Old Soldiers[edit]

David Sinclair: [on stakeout with the team] So are you saying, we're here on a hunch?
Charlie Eppes: I wouldn't call it a hunch. It's a...
Amita Ramanujan: [whispers] An induction.
Charlie Eppes: It's an induction!
David Sinclair: So this whole stakeout here is based on evidence that basically guarantees we're gonna fail?

Charlie Eppes: [about old bills] There are four in one bag. Do you guys realise what the odds are here?
Colby Granger: No, but I'm guessing we're about to find out.

Scratch[edit]

Nikki Betancourt: What would you do if you won the lottery, Sinclair?
David Sinclair: Well, I'd drive a nice car to work. What about you?
Nikki Betancourt: Well, first off, I'd buy you a nicer car.
David Sinclair: Oh yeah?
Nikki Betancourt: Then I'd make you drive me to work.

Charlie Eppes: [looking over Alans shoulder] Grow a ponytail?
Alan Eppes: Yeah. I found an old wish list.
Charlie Eppes: Who's? Steven Seagal's?

Arm in Arms[edit]

Robin Brooks: [about Charlie] What are you gonna do about his bachelor party? The whole cliche Las Vegas stripper thing?
Don Eppes: No! I'm thinking like golf, cigars... maybe Laguna or Torrey Pines.
Robin Brooks: It's supposed to be his bachelor party, right? Not yours?
Don Eppes: Well, fine... we could take him to a Stephen Hawking seminar.

Liz Warner: [after getting shot at through their car] I wanna get my hands on that guy.
Colby Granger: Never mind that guy. I wanna get that gun.

Devil Girl[edit]

Charlie Eppes: Should I be worried, that a cloning expert is feeding my fish... with spices?
Professor Russell Lazlo: Yeah! I've glazed their food with carotenoid rich paprika. The genetically prone ones are gonna becoma a brilliant red.
Charlie Eppes: If the poor things don't die of indigestion first.

Alan Eppes: Hey guys! Come on back in, half time is almost over.
Professor Russell Lazlo: Ugh, football! Survival of the witless.

And the Winner Is ...[edit]

Amita Ramanujan: [after the TV gets blank] Ahm, Charlie!
Charlie Eppes: What?
Amita Ramanujan: The TV!
Charlei Eppes: Ah, it's the cable, there's a... there's an intermittent where it hooks up in the garage.
Amita Ramanujan: I know.
Charlie Eppes: [sees the face she makes] I'll go fix it.

Larry Fleinhardt: [turning up from under a tent in Charlie's garage] Hello Charles.
Charlie Eppes: Larry? What are you doing here?
Larry Fleinhardt: Ah well, given the general detritus, the tent... i'd say the answer is fairly obvious. I've been squatting.

Growin' Up[edit]

Charlie Eppes: He brought the class gerbil home for Christmas break. He was so cute and I was playing with him while I was conducting an experiment one day and...who knew that gerbil fur was so flammable?

Larry Fleinhardt: In ancient india beards were held with such reverence, that they could be cut off and used as a form of payment.
Alan Eppes: That's alright, you can stay for free.

Cause and Effect[edit]

Otto Bahnoff: Mathematical Physics! Fun... so what's so important that you have to miss it?
Charlie Eppes: Ah, you know Amita and I have been offered visiting professorships at Cambridge. So we decided to move the wedding date up to today.
Otto Bahnoff: Ohohoh! [hugs Charlie]
Charlie Eppes: Thank you!
Otto Bahnoff: Ah, I wish I had a visiting professorship!

Don Eppes: Are you ready?
Alan Eppes: Are you kidding? Watching a son get married, I've been waiting for that a long time.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: "At the request of the bride and groom, I’ll keep my remarks short and not technical. Well, as you all know, the four fundamental forces of physics: electromagnetism, strong nuclear interaction, weak nuclear interaction, and gravity."
Colby Granger: "So I wonder what the technical version sounds like?"
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: "I heard that. We’ve been talking here about the forces that bind the universe. But what binds humans? Love. Powerful in small spaces, yet with profound effect on distance. Love defies time, outliving both its source, and its object. Love is faster than light, for light requires time in order to travel through space. But love reaches its object instantaneously. Love journeys forever, into infinity. And it’s here, binding together two lives. Can we have the rings? Symbolic of eternity, and rendered in a beautiful element. Amita Ramanujan, do you take Charles Edward Eppes to be your husband?
Amita Ramanujan: "Yes, I do."
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: "Charles Edward Eppes, do you take Amita Ramanujan to be your wife?"
Charles Eppes: "I do."
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: "I pronounce you: husband and wife."

External links[edit]

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