The West Wing
From Wikiquote
The West Wing (1999-2006) is a television show about a fictional United States presidential administration, set mainly in the West Wing of the White House.
[edit] Season One
[edit] Pilot
- Toby: We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line twenty months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system, and you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?
- Leo: How many are there?
- Josh: We don't know.
- Leo: What time, exactly, did they leave?
- Josh: We don't know.
- Leo: Do we know when they get here?
- Josh: No.
- Leo: True or False: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars, I would be as informed as I am right now.
- Josh: That's true.
- Leo: The intelligence budget's money well spent, isn't it?
- Van Dyke: If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn’t that too high a price to pay for free speech?
- Bartlet: No.
- Van Dyke: Really?
- Bartlet: On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.
- C.J.: Why don’t we all sit down?
- Bartlet: No. Let’s not, C.J. These people won’t be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God?
- Caldwell: Sir, it’s not up to me to...
- Bartlet: Crap. It is up to you, Al. You know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I’m upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Twenty eight years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I’m going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon, and put it in reverse, and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I’ve ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and make-up tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman’s right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it, so I couldn’t understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what’s wrong?" She said, "It’s Annie." Now I love my family and I’ve read my Bible from cover to cover so I want you to tell me, from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You’ll denounce these people, Al. You’ll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. [Everyone is frozen.] C.J., show these people out.
- Mary Marsh: I believe we can find the door.
- Bartlet: Find it now.
- Leo: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...
- C.J.: Leo.
- Leo: They hang up on me every time.
- C.J: That's almost hard to believe
- Sam: Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
- Mallory: That would be me.
- Sam: You.
- Mallory: Yes.
- Sam: Leo's daughter's fourth grade class.
- Mallory: Yes.
- Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels.
[edit] Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc
- Sam: It turns out I accidentally slept with a callgirl.
- Toby: Accidentally? I don't understand. Did you trip over something?
- Toby: Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning?
- Mrs. Landingham: The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?
- Toby: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
- Mrs. Landingham: What age would that be, Toby?
- Toby: Late twenties?
- Mrs. Landingham: Atta boy.
- Toby: Can I have a cookie?
- Mrs. Landingham: No.
- [Sam walks in]
- Mrs. Landingham: Good morning, Sam.
- Sam: Good morning.
- Mrs. Landingham: Have a cookie, Sam.
- C.J.: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
- Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?
- C.J.: No.
- Bartlet: Me neither.
- C.J.: It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.
- Bartlet: I know.
- Toby: We're talking about Texas, sir.
- Bartlet: I know.
- C.J.: USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.
- Sam: It was big hats.
- C.J.: What difference does it make?
- Bartlet: It makes a difference.
- C.J.: The point is we got whomped in Texas.
- Josh: We got whomped in Texas twice.
- C.J.: We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.
- Bartlet: I think I was there.
- C.J.: And it was avoidable. Sir.
- Bartlet: CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'
- CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
- Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?
- Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.
- Bartlet: Thank you. Next? Leo.
- Leo: 'After it, therefore because of it'.
- Bartlet: 'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
- C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
- Bartlet: Go figure.
- Bartlet: I don't need a flu shot.
- Morris: You do need a flu shot.
- Bartlet: How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?
- Morris: Sir?
- Bartlet: I want the Secret Service in here right away.
- Morris: In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side?
- Bartlet: Now that's a thought that's gonna fester.
- Laurie: You are aware that I make more money than you?
- Sam: You and any kid with a decent paper route.
[edit] A Proportional Response
- Josh: A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He didn't pay her. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, amoral, or suspect.
- C.J.: Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!
- Josh: You're overreacting.
- C.J.: Am I?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: As women are prone to do.
- Josh: That's not what I meant.
- C.J.: That's always what you mean.
- Josh: You know what, C.J., I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! ...whoa, that was way too far.
- C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-deans-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
- Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
- C.J.: I'm a whole new woman.
- Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way.
- C.J.: Don't try to make up with me.
- Sam: [reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive.
- Toby: He said that? Sitting there with military officers?
- Josh: Don't take the bait.
- Toby: You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.
- Leo: There ought to be a law against it.
- Josh: Why'd you get him started?
- [Leo shrugs]
- Toby: There is a law. How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party. That was a Democrat who said that.
- Leo: It's bad, I know.
- Toby: That's it?
- Leo: What are you going to do?
- Toby: Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.
- Josh: Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?
- Toby: We're really not gonna do anything about this?
- Leo: Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.
- Bartlet: What's the virtue of the proportional response?
- Admiral Fitzwallace: I'm sorry?
- Bartlet: What is the virtue of a proportional response? Why's it good? They hit an airplane, so we hit a transmitter, right? That's a proportional response. They hit a barracks, so we hit two transmitters.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Yes, that's roughly right.
- Bartlet: This is what we do. I mean, this is what we do.
- Leo: Yes sir, it's what we do. It's what we've always done.
- Bartlet: Well, if it's what we do, if it's what we've always done, don't they know we're doing it? I ask again, what is the virtue of the Proportional Response?
- Admiral Fitzwallace: It isn't virtuous, Mr. President. It's all there is, sir.
- Bartlet: It's not all there is.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: Just what else is there?
- Bartlet: The disproportional response. Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster! [He bangs the table]
- General: Are you suggesting that we carpet-bomb Damascus?
- Bartlet: I am suggesting, General, that you, and Admiral Fitzwallace, and Secretary Hutchinson, and the rest of the National Security Team take the next sixty minutes and put together an American response scenario that doesn't make me think we're just docking somebody's damn allowance!
- Bartlet: Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civis Romanus -- I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris's protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?! In other words, Leo, what the hell are we doing here?!
- Leo: We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.
- Bartlet: Well our behavior has produced some crappy results, in fact I'm not a hundred per cent sure it hasn't induced it.
- Leo: What are you talking about?
- Bartlet: I'm talking about two hundred and eighty-six American marines in Beirut, I'm talking about Somalia, I'm talking about Nairobi-
- Leo: And you think ratcheting up the body count's gonna act as a deterrent?
- Bartlet: You're damn right I-
- Leo: Oh, then you are just as stupid as these guys who think capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne! But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you better start with me, because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!
- Bartlet: He had a ten day old baby at home.
- Leo: I know.
- Bartlet: We are doing nothing.
- Leo: We are not doing nothing.
- Bartlet: We're destroying-
- Leo: Four high-rated military targets!
- Bartlet: And this is good?
- Leo: Of course it's not good. There is no good. It's what there is! It's how you behave if you're the most powerful nation in the world. It's proportional, it's reasonable, it's responsible, it's merciful! It's not nothing. Four high-rated military targets.
- Bartlet: Which they'll rebuild again in six months.
- Leo: Then we'll blow 'em up again in six months! We're getting really good at it... It's what our fathers taught us.
- Bartlet: Why didn't you say so? Oh, Leo...when I think of all the work you put in to get me to run and all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.
- Josh: I have to tell you, he's ordinarily an extremely kind man, placing a very high premium on civility. Today...it's just been a very difficult few days for him.
- Charlie: I think I should probably go.
- [Bartlet comes in]
- Bartlet: Excuse me, Charlie? Can I see you inside, please? Come on, it's okay.
- [Charlie walks toward him hesitantly and Bartlet sticks out his hand]
- Bartlet: I'm Jed Bartlet.
- Charlie: I'm Charles Young, sir.
- Bartlet: But you prefer Charlie, right? Listen, Leo McGarry filled me in on the situation with your mother. I'm so very sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling Tom Connolly, the FBI Director, and we had the computer spit out some quick information. Your mother was killed by a Western .38 revolver firing KTWs, or what are known as cop-killer bullets. Now, we have not had a whole lot of success yet in banning that weapon and those bullets off the streets, but we're planning on taking a big whack at it when Congress comes back from recess. So, what do you say? You want to come help us out?
- Charlie: [smiling] Yes, sir, I do.
- Bartlet: Thank you, Charlie. [shakes his hand]
- Charlie: I've never felt like this before.
- Josh: It doesn't go away.
[edit] Five Votes Down
- Josh: Forgive my bluntness, and I say this with all due respect, Congressman, but vote yes, or you're not even going to be on the ballot two years from now.
- Katzenmoyer: How do you figure?
- Josh: You're going to lose in the primary.
- Katzenmoyer: There's no Democrat running against me.
- Josh: Sure there is.
- Katzenmoyer: Who?
- Josh: Whomever we pick.
- Katzenmoyer: You're bluffing.
- Josh: Okay.
- Katzenmoyer: I'm in your own party!
- Josh: Doesn't seem to be doing us much good now, does it?
- Katzenmoyer: Against an incumbent Democrat. You'll go to the press and endorse a challenger?
- Josh: No sir. We're going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it's high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo... You guys got a band gazebo?
- Katzenmoyer: Josh...
- Josh: Doesn't matter, we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that's where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. 'Cause that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for.
- Bartlet: [on pain medication] What's going on here?
- Sam: Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.
- Bartlet: Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.
- C.J.: Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?
- Bartlet: I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.
- Leo: Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?
- Bartlet: I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?
- C.J.: Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.
- Bartlet: No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.
- Sam: I'm Sam, sir.
- Bartlet: Sam, of course you are.
- Toby: Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.
- Bartlet: Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?
- Toby: Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?
- Bartlet: No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?
- Leo: There's two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages.
- Reporter: I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to?
- C.J.: Secret Service improvements.
- Reporter: Can you go into detail, please?
- C.J.: The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch.
- Josh: You know, I realize that as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world, and with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid, but we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?
[edit] The Crackpots and These Women
- Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
- Toby: Huh.
- Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
- Toby: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
- Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
- Sam Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
- Leo: And Sam goes on my list!
- Sam: What about Toby?
- Leo: I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
- Mandy: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.
- Leo: It is in that spirit...
- Sam: Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?
- Leo: Mandy's new.
- Sam: So it's just me... on the list?
- Leo: Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.
- Josh: [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?
- Leo: Yes, it is.
- Sam: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.
- Bartlet: It was not a space ship from another planet, just another time -- a long since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape Earth's orbit. A sad reminder of the time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? You know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely we can do it again, as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers we touched the face of God.
- Toby: It's not so much that you cheat sir, its how brazenly bad you are it.
- Bartlet: Give me an example.
- Toby: In Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.
- Bartlet: She did.
- Toby: It was Steffi Graf, sir!
- Bartlet: I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.
- Toby: You crazy lunatic, you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?
- Sam: Because there are levels, and an order to our Air Force Command, and to jump from a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels.
- Bob: Like what?
- Sam: Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps therapy.
- Bartlet: Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chilli for everyone tonight!
- [Everyone looks horrified]
- Josh: Oh God...
- Various: [With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great!
- Bartlet: [Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chilli for everyone tonight!
- Everyone: [With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chilli! Terrific!
- Bartlet: There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?
[edit] Mr. Willis of Ohio
- Josh: Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
- Sam: Sounds good.
- C.J.: I like beer.
- Josh: If you want to come I guess that'd be okay.
- C.J.: Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.
- Bartlet: The Secret Service...
- Zoey: The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!
- Bartlet: They are worried about me getting shot - I'm worried about me getting shot - but that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says 'hey, where's Zoey?' Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports. Now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Benyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!
- Sam: CJ, we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.
- C.J.: Yeah. Yeah.
- Sam: Well... I don't understand. How could you-
- C.J.: I've been faking it.
- Sam: You've been faking it?
- C.J.: I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.
- Sam: Ah-hah.
- C.J.: And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.
- Sam: When?
- C.J.: When what?
- Sam: When did you come to this realization?
- C.J.: About an hour ago.
- Sam: Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.
- C.J.: That's what I say.
- [Josh and Sam have joined Charlie in confronting the guys who are hassling Zoe]
- Josh: [Pressing Zoe's panic button] Yeah. You guys don’t realize it, but you’re having a pretty bad night.
- Guy 1: [Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who’s gonna give it to us, huh?
- [The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
- Agent: Federal Agents!
- [Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
- Sam and Josh: Right here!
- [The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoe and guides her out protectively]
- Agent: Shut up! I swear to God I’ll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
- Guy 1: [to Charlie] Hey, I ain’t done with you Sammy.
- Charlie: My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket’s an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. [to Josh] Now I’m having a good time.
[edit] The State Dinner
- Donna: I’m not wild about this whole Indonesian thing.
- Josh: What’s the problem?
- Donna: I’ve been doing some reading on my own.
- Josh: I wish you wouldn’t do that.
- Donna: Why?
- Josh: Because you tend to cull some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.
- Donna: I do not.
- Josh: Donna...
- Donna: I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
- Josh: What?
- Donna: I read it.
- Josh: They... summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?
- Donna: They behead them.
- Josh: Sorcerers.
- Donna: Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. You know with... what’s that thing that Death carries?
- Josh: A scythe.
- Donna: They’re doing it with a scythe.
- Josh: Well, thanks for the head’s up.
- Donna: I thought you might like to know who’s coming over for dinner.
- Josh: You bet.
- Harry: Mr. President?
- C.J.: No questions right now, Harry.
- Harry: A short one.
- Bartlet: She’s not worried about the length of your question, she’s worried about the length of my response.
- Mandy: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes.
- Josh: Yes, but you shouldn’t take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn’t me.
- Mandy: What about a negotiator?
- Military officer: Negotiate what?
- Mandy: A peaceful settlement.
- Josh: This is a stand off with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is "put your guns down, you’re under arrest."
- Mandy: I think it would be wise if we demonstrated that we exhausted every possible peaceful solution before we got all Ramboed up.
- Josh: I don’t think it’s unreasonably macho for the White House to be aggressive in preserving democracy.
- Mandy: Let me tell you something. Ultimately, it is not the nuts that are the greatest threat to democracy, as history has shown us over and over and over again, the greatest threat to democracy is the unbridled power of the state over its citizens. Which, by the way, that power is always unleashed in the name of preservation.
- Josh: This isn’t abstract, Mandy. This isn’t a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come out with your hands up. At which point, you’re free to avail yourself of the entire justice system.
- Mandy: Do you really believe that? Or are you just pissed off because I got into the game?
- Bartlet: Time’s up.
- Little: Actually, if I may, Mr. President. I didn’t get my full five minutes.
- Bartlet: Yes, I know. But I got tired of listening to you. Now you listen to me. I have a Nobel Prize in Economics and I’m here to tell you that none of you know what the hell you’re talking about. At 12:01 am, I’m using my executive power to nationalize the trucking industry.
- Little: You can’t do that, Mr. President...
- Bartlet: Fourteen White House lawyers disagree. Truman did it in ‘52 with the coalmine.
- Little: And it was struck down by the Supreme Court.
- Bartlet: In 50 years, there’s a new bench and I’ll take my chances. As for Labor, I am calling Congress into Emergency Session to grant me the authority to draft the truckers into military service. [Russo and the Truckers Union delegates look dumbfounded] You’re going to love our food. Nice talking to you folks. If this isn’t settled in 47 minutes, don’t worry. We know where to find you.
[edit] Enemies
- Bartlet: We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think?
- Josh: [Under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.
- Bartlet: What was that?
- Josh: ... Did I say that out loud?
- Bartlet: See, and I was gonna let you go home.
- Josh: [Sinking feeling] ... But instead?
- Bartlet: We're gonna talk about Yosemite.
- Toby: All right... It couldn't have gone far, right?
- Sam: No.
- Toby: Somewhere in this building... is our talent.
- Sam: Yes.
- Bartlet: I find these [Cabinet] meetings to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me they are Constitutionally required.
- C.J.: [to Danny] First of all, you're wrong. Second of all, shut up. Third, I went to Hoynes with your thing and he said he wasn't the one who talked to you and I believe him and he's really pissed at me and he's right. And fourth...shut up again!
- Sam: You're asking me out on a date.
- Mallory: No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.
- Sam: Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?
- Mallory: There will be, under no circumstances, any sex for you at the end of the evening.
- Sam: Right.
- Mallory: So what do you say?
- Sam: Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won’t be sex, I don’t see how I could say no.
[edit] The Short List
- C.J.: All you did was just one phone call.
- Josh: It was a series of phone calls, which I masterminded, while I'm not one to be selfish about credit, I think it is important to know that it is done, and I did it!
- Sam: In 1787, there was a sizable block of delegates who were initially opposed to the Bill of Rights. This is what a member of the Georgia delegation had to say by way of opposition; 'If we list a set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim that people are entitled only to those rights enumerated and no others.' So the Framers knew...
- Harrison: Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn?
- Sam: I wasn't calling you a fool, sir. The brand new state of Georgia was.
- Sam: It's not just about abortion, it's about the next 20 years. Twenties and Thirties it was the role of government, Fifties and Sixties it was civil rights. The next two decades it's gonna be privacy. I'm talking about the Internet. I'm talking about cell phones. I'm talking about health records and who's gay and who's not. And moreover, in a country born on the will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this?
- Bartlet: Did you have a drink yesterday?
- Leo: No, sir.
- Bartlet: Do you plan to have a drink today?
- Leo: No, sir.
- Bartlet: That's all you ever have to say to me.
- Bartlet: Would it surprise you to know that for the last few months you have been on a short list of candidates for the Bench?
- Mendoza: Yes, it would
- Bartlet: Well then this is gonna knock your socks off. Tomorrow evening at 5 o’clock, I am naming you as my nominee to be the next associate justice of the United States Supreme Court. You were not the first choice, but you are the last one, and the right one. Will you accept the nomination?
- Mendoza: With honor.
[edit] In Excelsis Deo
- Bartlet: Apparently, I’ve arranged for an honor guard for somebody.
- Toby: Yes, sir. I’m sorry.
- Bartlet: No no. Just tell me, is there anything else I’ve arranged for? We’re still in NATO right?
- Toby: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: What’s going on?
- Toby: A homeless man died last night; a Korean War veteran, who was wearing a coat that I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it.
- Bartlet: Toby, you’re not responsible for …
- Toby: An hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh. The guy got better treatment at Panmunjom.
- Bartlet: Toby, if we start pulling strings like this, you don’t think every homeless veteran would come out of the woodworks?
- Toby: I can only hope, sir.
- Josh: You know what, Laurie, this man is our friend, and he has left himself open to the kind of attack that men in my business do not recover from. Now, if our tactics seem less than civilized, it's because so are our attackers. We don't need your help Laurie, one of your guys writes you a check, and the IRS works for me. And anyway, I don't feel like standing here, taking a civics lesson from a hooker.
- Leo: [Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why would I care if he has a merry Christmas?
- Margaret: Just sign the damn thing.
- Josh: Here's one.
- Mandy: One what?
- Josh: A book which if I was stuck with it on a desert island I still wouldn't read it. "The Adventures of James C. Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California." I believe I would eat this book before I read it.
- Josh: An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington monument instead?
- Bartlet: It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both.
[edit] Lord John Marbury
- Charlie: Mr. President?
- Bartlet: I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.
- Charlie: Yes, sir.
- Josh: It's what I do now; I'm a professional hostile witness.
- Mrs. Landingham: How are you, Josh?
- Josh: I've been subpoenaed.
- Mrs. Landingham: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?
- Leo: [on Marbury] You're gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?
- Bartlet: We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink
- Bartlet: Thank you for coming. How was your flight?
- Marbury: Intoxicating.
- Leo: So I see.
- Marbury: [to Leo] Allow me to present myself, Lord John Marbury, I was summoned by your President.
- Leo: Yes. We've met, ten or twelve times. I'm Leo McGarry.
- Marbury: I thought you were the butler.
- Leo: No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff.
- Marbury: Nonetheless, would you have something with which to light my cigarette?
- Leo: No, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world.
- Marbury: Really? In this part we encourage it!
[edit] He Shall
- Bartlet: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?
- Josh: Are his glands swollen?
- C.J.: Damn.
- Josh: What?
- C.J.: You know what I forgot to do today?
- Josh: What?
- C.J.: I forgot to feel the President's glands.
- Bartlet: We meant 'stronger' here, right?
- Sam: What does it say?
- Bartlet: I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?
- Sam: That's a typo.
- Bartlet: Could go either way.
- Bartlet: [re: soap opera] I don't understand. Don't any of these characters have jobs?
- Charlie: I don't know, Mr. President. I think one of them is a surgeon.
- Bartlet: They seem to have a lot of free time in the middle of the day.
- Bartlet: What's on your mind?
- Toby: The era of big government is over
- Bartlet: You want to cut the line
- Toby: I want to change the sentiment. [pause] We're running away from ourselves and I know we can score points that way, I was a principle architect of that campaign strategy right along with you Josh. But we're here now, tomorrow night we do an immense thing; we have to say what we feel, that government, no matter what it's failures in the past and in times to come for that matter, government can be a place where people come together and where no one gets left behind. No one... gets left behind. An instrument of good.
[edit] Take Out the Trash Day
- Josh: We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.
- C.J.: Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.
- Josh: I need you to read a report.
- C.J.: I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.
- Josh: There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.
- C.J.: What is it?
- Josh: We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....
- C.J.: Abstinence only?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: I would no have trouble passing such a class.
- Josh: We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.
- C.J.: What's it say?
- Josh: It's not good.
- C.J.: How's it not good?
- Josh: It says basically that teaching abstinence only doesn't work—that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.
- C.J.: Well, what are they recommending?
- Josh: Something called "abstinence plus".
- C.J.: Abstinence plus?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: What's that mean?
- Josh: Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.
- C.J.: Everything but?
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: Ah.
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: They want teachers to teach...
- Josh: Yes.
- C.J.: And so the sticky wicket joke was..?
- Josh: A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?
- C.J.: Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.
- Josh: By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.
- C.J.: Get me a salad.
- Sam: We never have our chats anymore, Toby.
- Toby: What chats?
- Sam: Our late night chats.
- Toby: Did we ever do that?
- Sam: No.
- Bartlet: Is Simon Blye coming in to meet with you today?
- Leo: How did you know that?
- Bartlet: I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with my compact camera.
- Toby: We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is gonna protect the Muppets, we're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live From Lincoln Center and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child.
- Bartlet: Mrs. Landingham.
- Mrs. Landingham: Yes sir?
- Bartlet: You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.
- Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid not sir, no.
- Bartlet: Why not?
- Mrs. Landingham: You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.
- Bartlet: I wasn't snippy!
- Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.
- Bartlet: Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To CJ as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.
[edit] Take this Sabbath Day
- Mandy: Who was the last President to commute a sentence?
- Josh: Lincoln.
- Mandy: Abraham?
- Josh: No, Bert Lincoln.
- Toby: The Torah doesn't prohibit capital punishment.
- Rabbi: No.
- Toby: It says, 'An eye for an eye'.
- Rabbi: You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death. It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time, but it's just plain wrong by any modern standard. Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn't have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it doesn't have a right to kill.
- Bartlet: I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.
- Father Cavanaugh: And none came?
- Bartlet: It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that.
- Father Cavanaugh:You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”
- The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, “Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.” But the man shouted back, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”
- A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, “Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.” But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.
- Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?” God said, “I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?” [pause] He sent you a priest, a rabbi, and a Quaker, Mr. President. Not to mention his son, Jesus Christ. What do you want from him?
[edit] Celestial Navigation
- C.J.: [knocks on Josh's door] Josh...
- Josh: [looks up] What the hell happened?
- C.J.: I had woot canal.
- Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
- C.J.: I had woot canal!
- Josh: Why are you talking like that?
- C.J.: I had woot canal!
- Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.
- C.J.: I can suggesht some other things you can do wif yourshelf!
- Josh: Are you in pain?
- C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL!
- Josh: You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.
- Josh: You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
- Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
- Josh: No.
- Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
- Josh: It was suggested in the press room that you do.
- Bartlet: By who?
- Josh: By me.
- Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
- Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
- Josh: I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!
- Bartlet: You were clear?
- Josh: I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!
- Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?
- [Charlie has just entered the President's bedroom.]
- Bartlet: Charlie, do you realize you are committing a federal offense right now?
- Charlie: I'll take my chances with the feds, sir.
- Bartlet: How you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife?
- Charlie: Argentina, sir.
- …
- Bartlet: I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife is in Argentina. Let's get this over with.
- Leo: He’s driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?
- Sam: Yeah.
- Leo: How’s a person do that?
- Sam: Oh, my guess is, he’ll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.
- Toby: Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?
[edit] 20 Hours in L. A.
- Toby: What, I'm not coming in the car?
- Bartlet: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole.
- Toby: I didn't!
- Bartlet: I could tell you were thinking it.
- Toby: Fair enough.
- Josh: (asking about the President) How's he doing?
- Toby: He's got that look on his face like he's thinking of ways of killing himself.
- Bartlet: This is a debate that is obviously going to continue in town halls, city halls, state legislatures, and the U.S. House of Representatives. There is a population in this country that seems to focus so much time and energy into this conversation, so much so that I am forced to ask this question - is there an epidemic of flag burning going on that I'm not aware of?
[edit] The White House Pro-Am
- Josh: We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop.'
- Toby: No, we're really not.
- Josh: Why not?
- Toby: 'Cause this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How about you be the good cop and I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting?
- Bartlet: Try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece and take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that?
- Leo: Yeah.
- Bartlet: Yeah, Leo says I can do that.
- Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.
- Congressman: Yeah.
- Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
- Congressman: Toyota.
- Toby: Then shut up.
- Josh: This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.
- Toby: I've cultivated that reputution.
- Mrs. Landingham: I'm not used to having members of the print media in here.
- Danny: I'll try not to get ink on the furniture.
- Mrs. Landingham: Aw, Danny, and I was just about to offer you a cookie.
- Danny: And now?
- Mrs. Landingham: No.
[edit] Six Meetings Before Lunch
- Jeff Breckenridge: You got a dollar?
- Josh: Yeah.
- Jeff Breckenridge: Take it out. Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it's unfinished, with the eye of God looking over it, and the words annuit coeptis - he, God, favors our undertaking. The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country's meant to be unfinished. We're meant to keep doing better. We're meant to keep discussing and debating. And, we're meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them...
- Mandy: I think we should get a panda bear.
- Josh: You say that now but I'm the one who's gonna end up feeding him and walking him.
- Sam: Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
- Toby: I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with - I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind?
- Mandy: I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum.
- Toby: Well that did the trick.
- Bartlet: (reading from a book by George Washington) "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered."
- C.J.: (beat) Well... I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.
[edit] Let Bartlet Be Bartlet
- C.J.: The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.
- Mrs. Landingham: You're not getting enough roughage in your diet, you know I'm right about that.
- Bartlet: I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.
- Mrs. Landingham: Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all Presidential.
- Major Tate: Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals.
- Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces?
- Major Tate: No sir, I don't.
- Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: 'Cause they impose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion.
- Major Tate: Yes, sir.
- Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: That's what I think, too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change.
- Major Tate: Yes, sir.
- Admiral Percy Fitzwallace: The problem with that is that what they were saying to me 50 years ago. Blacks shouldn't serve with whites. It would disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick.
- Bartlet: I don't want to feel like this anymore.
- Leo: You don't have to.
- Bartlet: I don't want to go to sleep like this.
- Leo: You don't have to.
- Bartlet: I want to speak.
- Leo: Say it out loud. Say it to me.
- Bartlet: This is more important than re-election. I want to speak now.
- Leo: Say it again.
- Bartlet: This is more important than re-election. I want to speak now.
- Leo: Now we're in business.
- Leo: [to Sam, Toby, C.J., and Josh] If we're going to walk into walls, I want us running into them at full speed. We're going to lose some of these battles, and we may lose the White House, but we're not going to be threatened by issues. We're going to bring 'em front and center. We're going to raise the level of public debate in this country and let that be our legacy.
[edit] Mandatory Minimums
- Bonnie: [after Josh told a Senator to "shove his legislative agenda up his ass"] Rambo!
- Josh: You talking to me?
- Bonnie: Nice phone call.
- Josh: That's how we do things in New England, my friends.
- Bonnie: In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that.
- Ginger: In New Jersey, we encourage it.
- Sam: Mandatory Minimums are racist.
- Toby: I understand that.
- Sam: They're a red herring.
- Toby: I understand that, too.
- Sam: It's a way of looking like you're tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime.
- Toby: Everything you've said I understand.
- Sam: I'm saying...
- Toby: We do things one thing at a time.
- Sam: But I'm saying we don't have time to do things one thing at a time.
- Toby: We're talking about treatment.
- Sam: I'm talking about treatment and I'm talking about Mandatory Minimums and I'm saying it's a red herring and I'm saying it's racist.
- Toby: When you talk to the President, I want you talking about treatment. I want you talking about treatment vs. enforcement and I don't want you to stray from that!
- Sam: Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"?
- Toby: Yes, I meant, you're in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way.
- Toby: [to Andy] I have to get back to work. And you, being a Congresswoman... I'm sure you need to be back out there... you know, screwing the people.
- Josh: Take it easy.
- Sam: I won’t take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!
- Josh: I've already done that.
- Sam: I'll do it again.
- Josh: You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really.
- ...
- Josh: It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino.
- Toby: Let's go.
- Josh: Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.
- Toby: Mr. President.
- Bartlet: We were almost done.
- Toby: I... met with Congresswoman Wyatt today.
- Bartlet: When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt?
- Toby: No, sir.
- Bartlet: Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet.
- Toby: I call her Andy or uh... Andrea.
- Bartlet: Okay.
- Toby: Mandatory Minimums.
- Bartlet: You're whupped, my friend.
- Toby: Sir.
- Bartlet: No, she's been talking to you for a year about Mandatory Minimums. You've been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family.
- Toby: You call your wife “Dr. Bartlet”?
- Bartlet: Just for the turn-on.
[edit] Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics
- Bartlet: We agree on nothing, Max.
- Senator Lobell: Yes, sir.
- Bartlet: Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
- Senator Lobell: You know why?
- Bartlet: Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
- Senator Lobell: Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
- Bartlet: Yes, you are.
- Senator Lobell: We agree about that.
- Toby: Since when are you an expert on language?
- C.J.: In polling models?
- Toby: Okay.
- C.J.: 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
- Toby: Since long before that.
- Bartlet: What do we do with him?
- Sam: Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay.
- Bartlet: What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?
- Sam: Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria.
- Bartlet: I like this. Because, if everybody keeps moving up one, I can go home.
- Margaret: Want to hear a joke?
- Leo: Uh... Okay.
- Margaret: You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?
- Leo: Why?
- Margaret: 'Cause in France, one egg is 'un oeuf'.
- Cochran: I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
- Charlie: Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of.
[edit] What Kind of Day Has It Been
- Bartlet: "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up.
- Danny: CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
- C.J.: Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.
- Bartlet: You're not going to spoil my good time for me.
- Mrs. Landingham: Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.
- Bartlet: Yeah.
- Mrs. Landingham: You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
- Bartlet: Do you see me walking out the door?
- Mrs. Landingham: No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.
- Admiral Fitzwallace: The eagle... on the seal in the carpet. In one talon he's holding arrows and in the other an olive branch. Most of the time, the eagle is facing the olive branch, but when congress declares war, the eagle faces the arrows... How do they do that? You think they've got a second carpet sitting around in the basement someplace?
[edit] Season Two
[edit] In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part One
- Nurse: Do you have any medical conditions?
- Bartlet: Well, I've been shot.
- [flashback]
- Hoynes: [Social Security] is the black hole of national politics, and I would just as soon not get lost in it 13 weeks before the New Hampshire primary. It is the third rail. You step on it, and you die.
- Josh: Of the 537 federal election officials, there are 30 who put their names on Social Security reform legislation, and you’re one of them. Why not say so?
- Mark: He will say so. Just not now.
- Josh: Mark, 400 billion dollars. Social Security represents one fourth of the federal budget, and it’s gonna be bankrupt in exactly 17 years. Right around the time you’re going to check your mailbox, half of the elderly population will be living in poverty. This now, qualifies as a priority, and running for President of the United States not putting Social Security front and center is like running for President of the Walt Disney Corporation by saying you’re gonna fix the rides at Epcot.
- Leo: Jack, what’s the best way to get a message to Iraq?
- Jack: The king of Jordan.
- Leo: All right.
- Army officer: Leo. What do you want the message to be?
- Leo: Don’t mess with us tonight.
- Danny: The President's been under anesthetic for more than an hour. He's probably gonna be on a morphine drip. Without the 25th, who's in charge?
- C.J.: The Vice President, the Secretary of State, the National Security Advisor, the Secretary of Defense, one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the White House Chief of Staff.
- Danny: You just listed six people! Who's in charge?
- C.J.: The Canadians.
- Danny: C.J...
- C.J.: You understand I'm talking about the hockey team.
- Danny: Look.
- C.J.: Just... give me a little time.
- [flashback]
- Woman: You've been a... um, uh, what did you call it?
- Toby: Professional political operative.
- Woman: You've been one your whole life.
- Toby: Well, there was a while back there when I was in elementary school.
- Woman: [laughs] You any good?
- Toby: [long pause] Yes, I'm very good.
- Woman: What's your record?
- Toby: My record?
- Woman: How many elections have you won?
- Toby: Altogether?
- [The woman nods]
- Toby: Including city council, two Congressional elections, a senate race, a Gubernatorial campaign, and a national campaign? [long pause] None.
- Woman: None of them?
- Toby: You gotta be impressed with my consistency.
- [flashback]
- Jerry: What's he gonna say?
- Toby: About what?
- Jerry: If he's asked the question?
- Toby: What question?
- Jerry: The New England DFC.
- Toby: I don't know.
- Jerry: You talk to him didn't you. What's he gonna say?
- Toby: I don't know.
- Jerry: You talked to him about the New England DFC? You wrote him a memo?
- Toby: Yes.
- Jerry: Well, what's he gonna say?
- Toby: I have no new information since the last time you asked me that question.
- [Short pause]
- Jerry: You told him to piss off the dairy farmers. Didn't you? If asked about the New England DFC you told him to piss off the dairy farmers.
- Toby: I asked him about his vote. He told me. I said, if asked about it tonight he should, if only because its the easiest thing to remember, tell the truth.
- Jerry: Do you enjoy losing?
- Toby: Not that much, no. But, since I don't really have a lot to compare it to....
- [flashback]
- Man: Governor Bartlet, when you were a member of Congress, you voted against the New England Dairy Farming Compact. That vote hurt me sir. I'm a businessman. That vote hurt me to the tune of maybe, 10 cents a gallon. I voted for you three times for Congress. I voted for you twice for Governor. And I'm here sir, and I'd like to ask you for an explanation.
- Bartlet: [pause] Yeah, I screwed you on that one.
- Man: I'm sorry?
- Bartlet: I screwed you. You got hosed.
- Man: Sir, I...
- Bartlet: And not just you. A lot of my constituents. I put the hammer to farms in Concord, Salem, Laconia, and Elem. You guys got rogered but good. Today, for the first time in history, one in five Americans living in poverty are children. One in five children live in the most abject, dangerous, hopeless, backbreaking, gut wrenching, poverty, one in five, and they're children. If fidelity to freedom and democracy is the code of our civic religion then surely, the code of our humanity is faithful service to that unwritten commandment that says 'We shall give our children better than we ourselves had.' I voted against the bill 'cause I didn't want it to be hard for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the President of the United States, I suggest you vote for somebody else. Thanks very much. Hope you enjoyed the chicken.
- [flashback]
- Bartlet: Why are you doing this? You are a player. You are bigger in the party than I am. Hoynes would probably make you national chairman. Leo, tell me this isn't one of the twelve steps.
- Leo: That's what it is. Right after admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and a higher power can restore us to sanity. That's where you come in.
- Bartlet: Leo....
- Leo: Because I am tired of it. Year, after year, after year. Of having to choose between the lesser of Who Cares. Of trying to get myself excited over a candidate who can speak in complete sentences. Of setting the bar so low I can hardly look at it. They say a good man can't get elected president. I don't believe that. Do you?
- Bartlet: And you think I'm that man?
- Leo: Yes.
- Bartlet: Doesn't it matter that I'm not as sure?
- Leo: Nah. 'Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you.' In others words 'fake it until you make it.'
[edit] In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part Two
- C.J.: We're confirming now that a suspect is in custody, and is being questioned by federal law enforcement . At this time, we cannot, we are not releasing any information whatsover about the suspect.
- Steve: Can you tell us anything, his name, where he's from, his ethnicity, if you guys suspect a motive?
- C.J.: Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren't releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except than his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are.
- [flashback]
- Sam: Actually. I have a thing. I have a thing I was going to mention, just a proposal to throw out there. When I was a congressional aide, we had an expression, “no idea was too stupid to say out loud,” so here it is, bear me out. Instead of buying these ships? Don't buy these ships. Buy other ships. Better ships. That's my idea.
- [flashback]
- Toby: I tried calling you at your office. They said you were fired. Were you stealing things?
- C.J.: Roger Becker dropped from third most powerful person in Hollywood to ninth most powerful person in Hollywood.
- Toby: Does he still make the playoffs, or is the cutoff line...
- C.J.: They take it seriously.
- Toby: C.J., Jed Bartlet is very impressed with you.
- ...
- Toby: Come join the campaign.
- C.J.: How much does it pay?
- Toby: How much were you making before?
- C.J.: $550,000 a year.
- Toby: This pays $600 a week.
- C.J.: So this would be less.
- Margaret: Can I - can I just say something for the future?
- Leo: Yeah.
- Margaret: I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good.
- Leo: You can sign the President's name?
- Margaret: Yeah.
- Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else?
- Margaret: Yeah! Or... do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?
- Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say it was a coup d'etat!
- Margaret: Well. I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
- Leo: I would think. And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's signature?
- Margaret: It was just for fun.
- Leo: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret, vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill.
- Toby: Ron, I don't think it's right that the Secret Service get blamed for what happened last night, I want the Treasury Department to hand over my memo to the Press.
- Ron: No, we can't do that.
- Toby: There are going to be a lot of questions.
- Ron: There are always a lot of questions.
- Toby: Ron.
- Ron: Don't worry about it, Toby.
- Toby: It's not right. You're the guys - look at your hand.
- Ron: My hand is fine.
- Toby: Your hand is not fine.
- Ron: Toby.
- Toby: Let me go over there and tell them it was my fault.
- Ron: It wasn't your fault.
- Toby: Ron.
- Ron: It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Gina's fault, it wasn't Charlie's fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, Toby. It was an act of madmen. You think a tent was going to stop them? We got the President in the car. We got Zoey in the car. And at 150 yards, five stories up, the shooters were down 9.2 seconds after the first shot was fired. I would never let you not let me protect the President. You tell us you don't like something, we figure out something else. It was an act of madmen. Anyway, the Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure.
- C.J.: This is our 5th press briefing since midnight. Obviously, there's one story that going dominating news around the world for the next few days, and it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a Biology Teacher and she was a Nursing student. Tina Bishop and Linda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were 12. There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults, 3,411 robberies, 3,685 aggravated assaults, all at gunpoint. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States himself was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained armed guards in the history of the world. Back to the briefing.
- [flashback]
- Bartlet: Tonight, what began on the commons in Concord, Massachusetts, as an alliance of farmers and workers, of cobblers and tinsmen, of statesmen and students, of mothers and wives, of men and boys, lives two centuries later as America! My name is Josiah Bartlet, and I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!
- Doctor: Josh? Josh, it's okay, you can wake up now. [Josh wakes up from anesthesia, tries to speak]
- Bartlet: [leaning over the bed] I couldn't hear you, Josh. [Josh speaks softly in his ear]
- Leo: What did he say?
- Bartlet: He said, "What's next?"
[edit] The Midterms
- Josh: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
- Toby: God bless America.
- Sam: Grant Samuels died.
- C.J.: Really?
- Sam: Yes.
- C.J.: He's really dead this time?
- Sam: Yeah.
- C.J.: 'Cause last time you told me he was dead and he wasn't.
- Sam: He's dead this time.
- C.J.: Somebody poked him a little to see...
- Sam: He died, C.J.!
- Bartlet: Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'acalculia' means?
- Sam: It's the inability to perform arithmetic functions...I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?
- Bartlet: Yeah, but I'll get over it.
- Sam: Good for you, sir. That's very mature.
- Bartlet: Shut up.
- Sam: You're not over it yet, are you?
- Andrew Macintosh: If they're shooting at you, you know you're doing something right.
- Toby: You don't think we should use the moment to get aggressive about guns and hate groups?
- C.J.: I think we were victims of a violent crime and it's unseemly to use this moment at all.
- C.J.: In a democracy often times other people win.
- Sam: [giving his friend a tour] Well, that's my office over there and the President works in that round room over there and nobody else really matters.
- Charlie Okay. Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.
- Leo: You're going out?
- Charlie: Yeah.
- Leo: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?
- Charlie: Hey, Leo...
- Leo: Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image.
- Bartlet: I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
[edit] In this White House
- Bartlet: Charlie, when they close the book on me and you, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me. And for that, obviously, there will be some kind of punishment.
- Charlie: Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President, and we'll call it even.
- Bartlet: Charlie, I wanna hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here, She's a conservative Republican, you think I should do it?
- Charlie: Absolutely Mr. President, cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.
- Josh: You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me.
- Toby: No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying. I'm doing all three at the same time.
- C.J.: I rode the Lifecycle this morning for an hour and a half. If it was a real cycle I'd have been in Belgium by now.
- Sam: But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to comm