30 Rock (season 6)
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Dance Like Nobody’s Watching [6.01]
- Jack: This thing's a real cash cow - unlike Cash Cow, the NBC spinoff of Cash Cab. You try riding a cow through midtown Manhattan, Lemon. The animal will panic.
Idiots are People Two [6.02]
- Tracy: Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.
- Denise Richards: Don't talk to me like I'm stupid! I played a nucular psychiatrist in a James Bonk movie!
Idiots are People Three [6.03]
- Criss: You don't use the tab closers on cereal boxes!
- Liz: If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.
- Kelsey Grammer: [performing as Abraham Lincoln] I know that future generations will forge a stronger country, and that, someday, America will be a place... where everybody knows your name.
The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell [6.04]
- Amy: Ugh, I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on.
- Liz: Let me imagine what Peeta Mallark looks like, and how his arms smell of bread.
Today You Are a Man [6.05]
- Accountant: My son Adam is a huge, huge fan!
- Tracy: Yes, many of our viewers are obese.
- Jack: Whatever you do, don’t speak first. Ninety percent of negotiations are lost by the person who speaks first. Because what is speaking a sign of?
- Audience member: ...weakness?
- Jack: You— out. Fired.
Hey Baby, What’s Wrong? [6.06/6.07]
- Jack: Oh, Diana, you're here, I thought you’d be at the house.
- Diana: Oh yes, I dropped my bags off and shook hands with the baby but I wanted to come talk to you about Avery's situation.
- Jack: Extracting an American from North Korea is a, ah, is a lot more difficult than arranging a round robin paddle tennis tournament.
- Diana: What about arranging three round robin paddle tennis tournaments?
- Jack: You know what? Avery loved a good fight. She used to call the cable company to dispute our bill just for the sport of it. She wouldn't stand for this dog and pony show.
- Diana: I've organized several dog and pony shows and I'm offended by what you're implying.
- Jack: How are you Avery's mother?
- Diana: We have several things in common, Jack. We both married much, much older men—which can be hard, or more often flaccid.
The Tuxedo Begins [6.08]
- Jack: This is a sign. The lower classes are getting cranky about the rich earning all of their money away from them. Can't they see this is in their best interest? How could we pay their salaries without using their money? We're on the verge of a class war.
- Jack: You have no interest in helping me. You’re one of them. What do you make, five figures?
- Lenny Wozniak: Forty grand a year. But don't let the woman who is blackmailing me know that.
- Jack: And the police have no interest in helping me either – despite the hundreds of dollars a year I pay in taxes!
- Paul: Yawns are contagious. Like all the Thai STDs my penis is about to give you.
- Jack: Liddy is at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is perfect.
- Tracy: I know what you're doing. The first time I got mugged I didn't leave my room for a week. I hid. But not in a tuxedo. All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions. It made me feel invincible. Like someone who wouldn't get scared and freeze up when they got mugged.
- Young Tracy: Perfectly executed Chewbacca sound!
- Kenneth: Miss Lemon, are you okay? Aw! You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.
Leap Day [6.09]
- Thad: And you—you were the star of The Sound of Music.
- Liz: Thank you. Not everyone thinks of the young Nazi boy as the star of that show.
- Lutz: Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear!
- Liz: The hell?!
- Lutz: You’re not wearing yellow and blue on Leap Day.
- Liz: So what? Leap Day is not a thing.
- Kenneth: [singing] Leap Day William, Leap Day William, bursting from the sea; will he bring his bucket of sweets for mom and pop and me?
- Liz: What the crap is going on in here?
- Kenneth: Why, Leap Day William is visiting!
- Liz: Leap Day William?
- Kenneth: Miss Lemon, did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Mariana Trench, he emerges every four years to trade children’s tears for candy.
- Liz: What? No. But White Haven was founded by the Amish, and we really only celebrated their holidays.
- Jim Carrey as Leap Day William: Merry Leap Day, everybody!
- Passerby: Hey, take a leap, pal!
- Jim Carrey as Leap Day William: That's the spirit!
- Leap Day William: Well, I guess we all learned something tonight about love and friendship, about taking chances, about the true meaning of Leap Day. But, these lessons aren't good just for every four years. No. They're good every year. Because we should live every day as if it's Leap Day, and every Leap Day as if it's your last. Oh, and if you should ever see an old man in a blue suit busting out of the middle of the ocean, take the time to say howdy. It might just be worth your while.
Anything can happen on Leap Day!
Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky [6.10]
- Liz: 'Cause living a lie will eat you up inside. Like that parasite I got from eating sushi on Amtrak.
- Tracy: Wow, Jay Mo. You sound like a cop. And I should know. My uncle was a cop. In a porno.
- Jenna: Tracy, every blond actress in the business has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop with special abilities. Mine was called Good Looking. I played Alexis Goodlooking, who was also good looking, and my special ability was being good at looking for clues.
- Lynn: Ma'am, I am in a Mexican prison gang. You kill me, Los Tiburones will greenlight a 187 on you, and you don't want that kind of heat.
Standards and Practices [6.11]
- Tracy: I feel like Oscar the Grouch today. And not just 'cause I woke up in a garbage can this morning startling someone named Gordon.
- Liz: In college, I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid…
- Tracy: Oh, you're the one who solved that? Thank you soooo much!
- Tracy: I finally understand the ending of The Sixth Sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie!
- Jack: Son of a dingbat!
St Patrick's Day [6.12]
- Tracy: This is probably some Hollywood prank. Like on the set of Ocean's Twelve when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. I was not in the movie.
- Hazel: I'll take care of Tracy and Jenna like they were my own children - which is a bad example, because I left my kids at a Sears in 2004.
- Hazel: God, live TV is such a rush! It’s like sex... but your husband isn’t looking at a picture of a bridge.
- Hazel: I'm not about to screw this up, Kenneth. 'Cause I'd get kicked out of show business, and then how would I be famous? By starting a fire and then rescuing everyone from it, and then I'm a hero, and then I'm in Playboy?
- Jack: The UN is useless, the State Department is full of Democrats, and as it turns out Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles…
- Liz: That explains all the vigils!
- Hazel: Can I ask your advice, woman to woman?
- Liz: Are you sure? 'Cause I took one of those "Which Gossip Girl Are You?" quizzes, and it said I was the dad's guitar.
- Hazel: [scoffs] Please, you are so amazing. This place is such a boys' club, but you boss them around like an Amazon warrior queen. And look at your body! Your rack is like, "Pow!"
- Liz: Hazel, what is the question?
- Hazel: It's Kenneth. He's not a page anymore, but he keeps trying to do my job for me. And when I confronted him about it, he was so condescending! He laughed at me, then he undressed me with his eyes. Then he had his way with me... with his eyes.
- Liz: Ugh, the male gaze.
- Hazel: Yeah, they're all a bunch of gays.
- Liz: Do not write another sketch with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television.
Kidnapped By Danger [6.14]
- Jack: You really are an extraordinary young man, Kenneth. No matter what happens, you always keep your chin up.
- Kenneth: Medically it's a neck ridge.
- Jack: You stay positive, you always believe that everything is going to work out! How do you do it?
- Kenneth: Well, I'll tell you my secret, sir! [He leans in] I lie to myself. Every morning when I wake up, I say, "everything's going to be okay" but I'm lying! [Jack tries to stand, but Kenneth holds him in place] And I don't know how much longer I can do it. [he emits a pained squeal] Have a swell night, sir!
The Shower Principle [6.15]
- Hazel: As the doctor said to me after my hepatitis test, "You got it, sweetheart!"
Murphy Brown Lied to Us [6.18]
- Stacy Keach: ...That's why I buy Bazooka Joe Gum. It's like chewing a mountain that someone shot a Freeze-Ray into.
- Tracy: Jenna, I've been thinking...
- Jenna: But Tracy, you're a celebrity.
Queen of Jordan 2: Mystery of the Phantom Pooper [6.20]
- Angie: I've never been so disrespected in my life! And I've been to, and worked at, the post office.
The Return of Avery Jessep [6.21]
- Jack: Not too much has changed. There's an iPod 3 and a Mitt Romney 4. They worked all the bugs out. He's not killing hobos at night anymore.
What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year? [6.22]
- Jack: You don't need my advice.
- Liz: But I still want it.