30 Rock (season 5)
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The Fabian Strategy [5.01]
- Liz: I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my "life stuff" mixing with my "dude stuff."
- Jack: A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is!
- Jenna: Your health insurance will remain in effect until the end... of this sentence.
- Jenna: Although I'm great at this, I'm really not necessary. Hmmm, the last time I said that I was in a three-way with two Backstreet Boys.
When it Rains, it Pours [5.02]
- Tracy: I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons, for very legitimate reasons.
- Dotcom: "Cooking a French bread pizza" and "forgot".
- Jack: [making lessons DVD] In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice, and then do the opposite.
Let's Stay Together [5.03]
- Jenna: I'm gonna to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely, and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.
- Regina Bookman: Mr. Donaghy, this may be just be about money to you, but as a member of Congress and a black woman...
- Jack: I don't really see color or gender, Mr. Chang.
- Regina Bookman: The FUTURE. And AMERICA. Now I may have lost my train of thought SEVERAL minutes ago, but if I continue to TALK LIKE THIS, no one will NOTICE, and when I STOP, you will APPLAUD my ENERGY! Thank you!
- Jack: Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes.
Live Show [5.04]
- Jack: Does it seem weird to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera. Good God, I can see every line and pore on your face.
- Liz: Yeah, well my face cream was recalled. Apparently it was killing the lab rats'...Ugh what was it?... brains!
- Kenneth: A Mr. Brett 'Fav-ray' stopped by and, uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog.
- Jenna: Finally.
- Kenneth: Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.
- Jenna: So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?
- Kenneth: Also, your pharmacy called, and apparently you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.
- Jenna: Ugh, thanks, Obamacare!
- Liz: Wow, you were very fit back then.
- Jack: Yes, but my penis was smaller.
- Liz: Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. I'm sorry I'm a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond.
- Jack: Making through a full 24 hours without a single misstep is called Reaganing. The only other people who have ever done it: Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and—no judgment—Saddam Hussein.
- Jack: You're Liz Lemon, damn it. In certain lights, you're an 8! Using East Coast, over-35 standards, excluding Miami.
- Jack:You have more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried?
- Jack:That was written by a computer program we're working on to replace you.
Gentleman's Intermission [5.06]
- Jack: Certainly you can't be surprised that there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there. Don't you ever Google yourself?
- Tracy: Sure, I google myself all the time, like when Angie's not in the mood or I'm alone in a hotel.
- Jenna: What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Jenna Maroney. I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.
- Erica: I know who you are, Miss Maroney, but you're not on the list. They only make obits for people they think are, you know, important.
- Jenna: [grabs list and reads] Like who? "Kim Jong-il?" I've never heard of her.
- Dick Lemon: Hey, Liz. It's your father, Dick Lemon.
- Liz: Dad, you don't have to say your name every time.
- Dick Lemon: Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. It lets people know your race even when they can't see you.
Brooklyn Without Limits [5.07]
- Liz: Sometimes you have to do the right thing even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier, die Werewolf Zombie, die.
- Liz: What's going on today? Has everyone lost their moral compass?
- Jack: You're being awfully high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband drowned so she could get out of a gym contract.
- Jack: She’s courting the youth vote. That means she’s desperate.
- Jonathan: My generation never votes. It interferes with talking about ourselves all the time.
- Liz: You don't know what you're talking about, these jeans are hand-made in USA.
- Jack: You're mispronouncing that, they're Hānd made in Usa. The Hānd are a Vietnamese slave race and Usa is their island prison. Want to know how they get the stitching so small? Orphans.
- Liz: Well, you were right about Brooklyn Without Limits: crunchy on the outside, right wing nutjob on the inside.
- Jack: Like Ann Coulter's underwear.
- Jack: Good God, Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.
- Liz: [My jeans] are from Brooklyn Without Limits, this very cool store with locations in Gaytown, White Harlem, and the Van Beardswick section of Brooklyn.
- Liz: Usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler, but today I feel like... Hitler in Germany.
- Jack: Pete and I are having a little college night.
- Liz: Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this?
- [Liz begins shoving an entire pizza into her mouth]
- Jack: Oh God! She means the pizza!
- Pete: She’s unhinging her jaw!
- Jenna: This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks: No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh, I showed them all.
- Liz: Come on, my card only has a 1 in 52 chance of getting picked anyway.
- Tracy: How did you know that? You’re like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?
- Liz: Zero.
- Tracy: We need to go to Vegas.
Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish [5.09]
- Jenna: Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.
- Jack: Lemon, I want you to get better because, and I mean this, I’m tired of talking this much to a woman I’m not having sex with.
- Jack: I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men's club, and you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.
Mrs. Donaghy [5.11]
- Jack: This isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.
- Liz: Well, I've been to a rodeo too. It was a cat rodeo, in a gay guy's apartment.
- Liz (on TV): My husband and I are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, the Arts, and Feelings. As embarrassed Americans, Jack and I pledge 5 million dollars to create a new generation of choreographers and puppeteers, clowns, video artists, and theatrical jugglers who will ask the world: what is art?
- Jack (to TV): We know what art is: it's paintings of horses!
- Liz: See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there's no order, no planning. Hitler and Martha Stewart would've hated that wedding.
- Liz: For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.
Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning [5.12]
- Liz: Doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.
- Frank: There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year. It destroyed two vintage t-shirt stores and a banjo.
- Liz: You are disgusting! And I have absolutely no reason to apologise to him.
- Tracy: And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
¡Que Sorpresa! [5.13]
- Jack: Michael Kors is a friend —- we own a gay racehorse together —- and I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable this winter.
- Hank Hooper:: You have a reputation, Jack. As a shark. Kabletown, we’re not sharks. We’re more like... whatever the friendliest fish is. I’m not a science guy.
Double-Edged Sword [5.14]
- Kenneth: The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing.
- Tracy: Clear.
- Kenneth: Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break.
- Tracy: I'll need a whale saddle.
- Kenneth: And Steven Spielberg wants you to star is his next movie.
- Tracy: Kate Capshaw's husband?!
- Liz: If I can't poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?
It's Never Too Late for Now [5.14]
- Jenna: I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway!
- Liz: My fanny pack is in my office in my mini-fridge. I like my tampons to be cold.
TGS Hates Women [5.16]
- Jack: New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. It's a terrible program.
[when Jack arrives at Kaylee's school to confront her]
- Kaylee: Mr. Donaghy! What are you doing here?
- Jack: I could ask you the same thing! But it would make no sense.
- Kaylee: The ocean is for tools.
- Jack: The ocean is awesome and for winners. You're for tools!
- Jack: They'll say "Jack Donaghy was the greatest oceanographer who ever lived. And we walruses owe Him everything for giving us the gift of language."
- Abby Flynn: You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy? Right in the middle of it one of us had to get up to go use the bathroom and then we all had to go! [laughs]
- Liz: Okay there's something that everyone here needs to see. Abby, you might want to sit down for this.
- Sue: Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas
- Liz: A chair! Come on, Sue. Abby, this is for your own good. Open Apple. Tough love time.
- Abby Grossman: [internet video on laptop] Has anyone ever actually had a good time at brunch? You know-
- Pete: Is that you?
- Abby Flynn: I don't know where you found that, but I am taking it DOWN. [laughs] That's what she said!
- Liz: Okay, first of all Steve Carell owns "that's what she said." He owns it. And second of all, it's time to stop hiding. A young person helped me online-post this on JoanOfSnark.com. [shows Abby site with article headline "Abby Flynn Before She Was Abby Flynn" and a video of Abby Grossman]
- Abby Grossman: [in real voice] You stupid meddling bitch!
- Liz: Yes! There's your real voice! There's Abby Grossman! To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, [in crazy old woman voice] "We are all-"
- Abby Grossman: Do you understand what you've done? You have signed my death warrant.
- Liz: How's that now?
- Abby Grossman: My ex-husband is going to see this, he's going to find out where I am and he's going to try to run me over with his car again! I changed my appearance to get away from him!
- Liz: Oh, cuz I thought it was like... pressure from society.
- Abby Grossman: You're right Liz, I was hiding: From a man who went insane after being electrocuted while watching Sleeping With the Enemy.
- Jenna: I was cut out of that.
- Abby Grossman: Yeah, I was desperate for male attention because I feel safer having men around in case Troy comes back. That is why I slept with Lutz.
- Lutz: And I shall protect her.
- UPS Man: Is there an Abby Flynn here?
- Lutz: That her, Troy! I'm on your side! Get her!
- Pete: Jeez, Lutz, it's the UPS guy. [Lutz pees himself]
- Liz: Okay I think we all owe Abby an apology.
- Abby Grossman: Oh my God. It's from him. "I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven". Great, I have six hours to start a new life. I'll have to be a redhead this time.
- Liz: I don't know... your coloring. You know what, don't listen to me.
- Abby Grossman: You must really hate women, Liz. Liz Lemon is a Judas to all women-kind! [Jenna gives Liz double thumbs up]
- Liz: Okay. We were on page six, where Wonder Woman gets her period.
Queen of Jordan [5.17]
- Jenna: Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show?
- Angie: D'Fwan, glue in the business weave.
- Angie: As you know, my single, "My Single Is Dropping," is dropping.
- Jack: I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland.
- Jack: There is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. "Oh, the men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls..." Okay, I hear it now.
Plan B [5.18]
- Pete: Last time I taught, I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society—by which I mean I got fired.
I Heart Connecticut [5.19]
- Jenna: Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.
- Jack: Congratulations. According to the transitive property, you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi in arm wrestling.
- Grizz: This would have really bothered me in my 20's.
100: Parts 1 & 2 [5.20]
- Jack: Just get him [Tracy] back in time for the show. I have a very full plate.
- Liz: Really? Is it from that pie place?
- Jack: And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show.
- Liz: Oh. Ok. Fine. But just to be clear....
- Jack: There is no pie!
Everything Sunny All The Time Always [5.22]
- Jack: When she's ready, Dr. Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He's a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.
- Liz: I’ve just had a hard couple of months. Work has been crazy, and I went through a bad break up, and then there was this plastic bag that represented my death.
- Dr. Spaceman: Sounds like you can use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.
- Paul: This is a conservative top, Jenna. And I hate to be the stereotypical man, but this is my home and I want to wear this blouse.