A Night At The Met (1986)
- My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going "Two Jews walk into a bar..."
- Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
- The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.
- We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
- They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!
- Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!" And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to "Charge!"]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out!" "No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"
- The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
- Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!
- On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience
- Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!
- [Comparing Ronald Reagan's Cabinet to Star Wars] There's Henry Kissinger as Yoda, "Must now cannot see understanding that I be here for you. I will show you now, Nicaragua, Cambodia, Nicaragua, Cambodia, sssh. Must later understand!"
Inside the Actors Studio (2001)
- The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"
- (On creating) And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."
- (Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a lightbulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up."
- I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!
- Imitating Pavarotti. "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"
Live on Broadway (2002)
- Michael is claiming racism, and I'm like, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?
- And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
- [Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
- The Swiss...the nice Germans, or as they like to say, the other white race. Now how can you trust an army—how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First you pull the cork out, sniff it, say 'meat or fish?' and throw! (military cadence) I don't know what I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold, Ja!"
- And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
- And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
- Now, at the airports, if you're heavily pierced, like some of my friends, it's like, (steps forward) "BZZT!" "Please remove anything from your pockets." Tip of the iceberg. (pantomimes removing various piercings from the ears, nose, eyebrows, lips; then reaches to the side, grabs an imaginary drill, points it at his crotch and makes a drilling noise) For those playing the home game, this is what's known as a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish..."Victoria, I'm dying...I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me..."
- What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...just add a Honey Baked Ham and you've got a redneck Christmas. Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, number one. Number two, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, (intense, stoned stare) "Pop-Tarts!"
- As beatific as Gandhi was, I'm sure there was some guy in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi...he was a prick. He was sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying "Who's your diaper daddy, who's your diaper daddy?"
Reality: What a Concept
- I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
- [spoofing Mr. Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Oh damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now.
- [as a Shakespearean narrator] Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.
- I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
- There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People--they're kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.
Weapons of Self Destruction
- Welcome to Washington, D.C., where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
- And you know that if they legalize it, they'll have to regulate it, which means that they'll have to put a message on a box of joints, it'll say, "Surgeon General has determined this will make your music...awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before..."
- There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!
- And if you're looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find! I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction, in the fantasy aisle.
- My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.
- "Are you on drugs?"
- "No, I'm looking for food."
- And I'm sure in Kenya they have a chicken that can run a sub 2-hour marathon....One of my favorite runners of all time was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics [marathon] running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, he carried the fuckin' shoes. No performance enhancement there.
- I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
- When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...
- These drugs have side effects that go on for fuckin' days, like tendency-to-grow-another-head, oh my God! When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine, side effects were paranoia, ninjas-on-the-lawn; quaaludes, side effects were talking in tongues, English as a second language; marijuana, side effects were laughter, Frosted Flakes.
- You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
- We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."
- Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. (indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor)
- In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?
- Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
- I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
- I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"
- They made porn movies, of my movies! Good Will Humping? Okay... Wet Dreams May Cum? All right... Snatch Adams? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on.
- Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, "My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that?" "A book". <hissing noise> "Who are you?" "Dad. I miss you. Let's talk."
- Okay, let's look at the weather map...(screen behind him shows a massive cyclone) ...FUCK! This is Hurricane Siobhan, this map represents the entire south, the asshole in the middle is Dallas...um, back to you, Ted, I think I just shit myself.
- There was one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs and sports. And his name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be. If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass like <tiptoes across the stage> "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"
- [regarding Sarah Palin] "I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.
- Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.
- Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.