Mrs. Doubtfire

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Mrs. Doubtfire is a 1993 film comedy about a family separated by an impending divorce. The father takes on the job as the family housekeeper, unbeknownst to his ex-wife, who believes him to be an elderly Scottish woman.

Directed by Chris Columbus. Written by Randi Mayem Singer and Leslie Dixon, based on Madame Doubtfire by Anne Fine.
She Makes Dinner. She Does Windows. She Reads Bedtime Stories. She's A Blessing... In Disguise. taglines

Euphegenia Doubtfire[edit]

  • [After setting fake bust on fire and putting it out] Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm... getting hot flashes.
  • [Drops false teeth in drink, Stu double takes and pulls a strange face] Oh. [pretends to talk with no teeth] Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth. [retrieves dentures from wine glass with fork, shakes them] Just shake them off, like a dog...
  • Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists - they ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.
  • I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, be-bop, dance 'til you drop, and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
  • Ohh, thank you, dear. [between her teeth] Yes. Touch me again and I'll drown you.
  • [walking across the street, then almost gets mugged. Hits mugger in the face, as Daniel] Back off, BEAT IT! [As Mrs. Doubtfire] Broke my bag, the bastard.
  • You know, they often say a man with a car like that's trying to compensate for smaller genitals. But not in your case 'cause I see that you're a strapping lad, aren't you?
  • [observing Stu's Mercedes] Lover boy is here. What a beautiful little car for Don Juan. [reaches down, rips hood ornament off] So sad when that happens!
  • She's got her own personal jackhammer in the bedroom. [Stu spits out his drink, appalled] She could break sidewalks to that thing. Surprised she hasn't chipped her teeth. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie.
  • Sink the sub? Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise? A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty? Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dance, eh? Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop? Bit of the old Cunning Linguistics, huh?
  • Upstairs, my little nose miners! Go! Flee before me! Onward and upward! Go pump some neurons! Expand your craniums!
  • [reading a letter on television] "Dear Mrs. Doubtfire; Two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know some parents when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time and they can become better people and much better mommies and daddies for you. And sometimes, they get back together. And sometimes, they don't, dear. And if they don't... don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other doesn't mean that they don't love you. Now there are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mummy, some families have one daddy, or two families. Some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents and some children live with foster parents. Some live in separate homes and neighborhoods, in different areas of the country, and they may not see each other for days, weeks, months, or even years at a time. But if there's love, dear, those are the ties that bind. And you'll have a family in your heart forever. All my love to you, poppet. You're going to be all right. Bye-bye.

Daniel Hillard[edit]

  • Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day and look at it and say, "This is not my life?"

Dialogue[edit]

Daniel: [as Pudgy the Parrot] Yipe. On second thought, YIIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!!!!! 9-1-1! 9-1-1! Police! Civic Authorities! A.S.P.C.A, A.S.A.P! Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped! No! BIRDNAPPED!!
Daniel: [as villainous cat] A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet. Eat your heart out, Julia Child.
Daniel: [as Pudgy the Parrot] Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call?
Daniel: [as villainous cat] In your case, I think not. Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties. But I'm not wholly without heart. How about a nice, soothing cigarette?
Daniel: [as Pudgy the Parrot, pretends to cough and choke and ad libs] I will not do this! I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!
[Irritated, Lou rolls his eyes]
Lou: Here we go again. CUT! Roll it back! What are you doing? [Daniel stops, startled] Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it?
Daniel: Well I thought I should comment on the situation.
Lou: What situation?
Daniel: The fact the Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!
Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special!
Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon. It's like sending each one of them a packet of cigarettes and saying, "Light up!"
Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!
Daniel: Well, it's a voice over. It's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God. That's even better. [as God] DON'T, PUDGY! DON'T SMOKE!
Lou: [sighing] Actors.
Daniel: What? Well, let's ask the technicians. [at technicians] Do you think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?
[The three men are observing the recording studio from a control room, each smoking a cigarette. One of them shrugs.]
Daniel: Whoo! They're biased. That's a mistrial.
Lou: Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time!
[Daniel removes recording headphones]
Daniel: [as Gandhi] Then I got to do what I got to do.
[Daniel proceeds to exit recording studio]
Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you goin'? Hey, listen, buddy. I'll tell you somethin'. If you leave, you're not comin' back in. I'm not takin' any crap from you, pal.
Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig... [as Porky Pig] Pi-pi-pi-pi pi-pi-pi-pi pi- piss off, Lou!

Daniel: How about we take a vacation, take the kids, get you away from work, you'll see that you're a different person. You are. You're great.
Miranda: [shakes her head sadly] Oh, Daniel, our problems would be just waiting for us when we got back.
Daniel: Well, we'll move. And hopefully our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other... We love each other... Don't we?
Miranda: I want a divorce.

Daniel: Hi, I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.
Tony: Follow me.
[Tony leads Daniel into a room full of canisters of film reels.]
Daniel: Ooh, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
Tony: [gruff] Well, not exactly.
Daniel: What do I do?
Tony: Well, you take these cans right here. You box them, then you ship them. Then you take those ones over there. You box them, you ship them. Then more of them will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
Daniel: After you box them?
Tony: You ship them. Lots of luck, smart-ass. [leaves the room]
Daniel: [to himself] I think I made a friend.

Daniel: Could you make me a woman?
Frank: Honey, I'm so happy!

[Daniel returns his Mrs. Doubtfire mask after it's been run over by a truck.]
Daniel: [holds up flattened mask] Had a little accident...
Frank: [hands him another one] Can you please take care of this one? She's an old lady.
[Daniel leaves makeup shop.]
Frank: [to himself] Why wasn't I an only child?

[The kids are watching The Dick Van Dyke Show on the television.]
Alan Brady: Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?
Melvin Cooley: Alan, I was wondering if...
Alan Brady: You want one of them? I'd rather make a coat for my wife. [pokes a head mannequin off the table] Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!
Mrs. Doubtfire: All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds. It's homework time. OK?
Lydia: Yeah, but after Dick van Dyke.
Mrs. Doubtfire: No. Now.
[Mrs. Doubtfire turns off TV. Lydia uses remote control to reactivate TV.]
Lydia: No. We always watch Dick van Dyke.
[Lydia sets down the remote; Mrs. Doubtfire picks it up.]
Mrs. Doubtfire: [calmly] Really? Well... [tosses the remote into the air; it lands behind her in the fish tank] ...not anymore. The only thing you'll be watching is Deep CNN. [turns to the kids, who are wide-eyed] Now! I know you're used to loosey-goosey, but I run a much tighter ship. Between the hours of 3 p.m. and 7 p.m., I'm in charge. And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.
Nattie: Punished?
Lydia: She's lying. She'd never punish us.
Mrs. Doubtfire: [evilly] Don't fuss with me.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Alright, listen to me. I'm not who you think I am.
Chris: Yeah, no shit!
Daniel: [breaks character] Watch your mouth, young man!
Chris: Dad?
Daniel: Yeah.
Lydia: Dad?
Daniel: Yeah, honey.
Chris: But you don't like wearing that stuff, do you, Dad?
Daniel: Well, some of it's comfortable - NO! No; it's a pain in the padded ass. This isn't a way of life; it's just a job. I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work, you know. It's just the only way I can see you guys every day.
Chris: Who did this to you?
Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
[Lydia and Chris are made aware they can't let anyone know about this, especially their mother, Miranda. She still hasn't forgiven Daniel for letting Chris have a birthday party, after she had punished him for having bad grades on his report card. If she finds out what he's doing, Miranda would not only impose a restraining order against Daniel, but would also banned him from seeing them again. They also must keep the secret from Natalie because she is too young to understand what's going on and would likely tell Miranda.]

Maitre D: Smoking or non-smoking?
Stu: Non-smoking.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Smoking!
[Stu, Miranda and the children looks at Mrs. Doubtfire incredulous in wanting a table in the smoking section.]
Mrs. Doubtfire: We women, do smoke.
Stu: Smoking.

[Daniel and another man who works at the studio have been watching a long-running TV show filming another episode. The host speaks slowly, in a near-monotone voice, and the show is so boring that the camera crews are close to falling asleep.]
Daniel: I keep asking myself: What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for twenty-five years?
Jonathan Lundy: Me. [offering his hand] Jonathan Lundy.
Daniel: Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner? [Lundy nods] I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.
[Lundy laughs.]

Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda: How awful, he was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

Daniel:[as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-saurus line! [sings fanfare] And now ladies and gentlemen, the King. [hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex] Hey thank you, I'm a make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus! [James Brown style] Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct! Now it's time for the Raptor rap.
[Lundy happens to walk in on the set as Daniel begins raps with the raptor]
Daniel: Yo I'm a Raptor doin' what I can gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil!

[Daniel is accidentally revealed in front of his family.]
Natalie: Daddy?
Daniel: Yeah, honey. It's me.
[Miranda screams.]
Daniel: Happy birthday.
Miranda: Daniel? Daniel! Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! The whole time? The whole time, you were - THE WHOLE TIME?! Don't talk to me. Don't...touch me - DON'T TOUCH ME! I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave. We have to leave. I have to go!

Daniel: Your Honor, in the past two months, I have secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it an environment fit for children. Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements ahead of schedule. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity, because ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. And once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day... it's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. You know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just— they mean everything to me, and they need me as much as I need them. So please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you.
Judge: Mr. Hillard, you've been able to fool a lot of people into believing you're a 60-year-old woman. No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine. But, I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.
Daniel: No, it's not that.
Judge: The reality, Mr. Hillard, is that your lifestyle over the past months has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard.
Daniel: Oh, God. No, sir. Please.
Judge: You will have supervised visitation every Saturday.
Daniel: Supervised, sir?
Judge: Yes. A court liason will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard. We will reexamine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned. [bangs gavel]

Taglines[edit]

  • She Makes Dinner. She Does Windows. She Reads Bedtime Stories. She's A Blessing... In Disguise.
  • She'll Rock Your World.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

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