Accidentally on Purpose (TV series)
Accidentally on Purpose is an American television sitcom that ran on CBS from September 21, 2009 to April 21, 2010. Billie Chase, a 37 year old movie critic in a San Francisco newspaper, breaks up with her commitment phobic boyfriend who also happens to be her boss. After a strange turn of events, she ends up sleeping with Zack Crawchuck, a 22 year old aspiring chef. When she gets pregnant from her Zack, their lives turn upside down.
[After James makes clear to Billie that he is not ready for commitment.]
Billie: I don't think I can change the subject. I want a partner. I want someone who actually stays for breakfast. I want someone who is there no matter what. I wanna grow up. Fantastic sex and exotic locales was fine when I was 35, but I am 36 now.
[After Billie and Olivia spot James with Kate Moss.]
Abby: I wonder if he will marry Kate Moss.
Billie: Abby, how come you never wonder what good things could happen to me?
Abby: 'Cause I am your sister. I just think you should forget the handsome "gazillionaire" who also happens to be your boss. Look how happy I am since I married Nick. And you know why? Because he is stable, well-balanced, supportive.
Billie: Yes, Nick would make a good chair.
Abby: Excuse me, he would make a great chair.
Olivia: Oh, look around. You will find somebody else. I get proposed to all the time. I maybe married now, I am not entirely sure. But I do know that I cannot go back to Dubai.
Billie: That's you, Olivia. I watch movies for a living, so to me the three stages in womanhood are: Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle, Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail and Meg Ryan in the grocery store saying, No really, I am Meg Ryan..
[Zack and Billie are talking in the bar.]
Zack: I am Zack. I would like to buy you a drink.
Billie: Oh. I am Billie. [waves to him] You don't have to do that. [to the waiter] Mojito please.
Zack: Perfect. You know, I bet my buds I could go a whole day eating and drinking only things that end in "tos": Mojitos, burritos, taquitos.
Billie: I did that once, but with things that ended in "oni": Pepperoni, spumoni, calzone. But there wasn't a bet involved. My sorority was just full of bulimics.
[Billie learns that she is pregnant.]
Abby: Didn't you use condom?
Billie: I guess it turns out they are not one hundred percent effective unless you actually take them out of your purse.
Olivia: Billie! Billie! Billie! Always use a condom. And an alias.
[Zack is surprised to learn about Billie's pregnancy.]
Zack: I... I don't know what to say.
Billie: You don't have to say anything. You don't have to do anything. I just needed you to know in case years from now you need a kidney. So you would have options.
[Zack and Billie are in Dr. Roland's offic.e]
Zack: [to the doctor] You do this the whole day? This is like robot porn.
Dr. Roland: Yes, it is. [Starts reading Billie's chart] Your chart here says you are thirty...
Billie: [Cuts him short] Ba da ba da ba da pa pa pa da.
Dr. Roland: Seven.
Zack: You said you were 32.
Billie: That was when I thought I was never gonna see you again.
[Billie has invited Zack to live with her.]
Olivia: So, you are really gonna let Zack move in? You are supposed to taste the rainbow, not let it live in your office.
Billie: What was I supposed to do? Let the father of my child live in a van, so he can be hacked by some crazy drifter?
Olivia: [hysterically] He lives in a van! He is the crazy drifter!
[James is talking to Billie.]
James: No, really. You are glowing. Did you do something different.
Billie: [about her unexpected pregnancy]You have no idea.
James: Listen, I, I thought of about us a lot and I think I am ready.
Billie: [surprised] Ready? Now you are ready?
James: I want us to go to the next level.
Billie: Wha...what's the next level?
James: We can live together?
Billie:[excited] What? Where?
James: Sometimes at my place, sometimes at your place.
Billie: That's not living together.
James: It's not?
[Zack suddenly shows up at Billie's office.]
Billie: What are you doing here?
Zack: I thought I bring you lunch. I made you a spinach salad, it will be good for...
Billie: [cuts him short] Ba ba ba ba ba.
Zack: The baby. [to Billie] What?
Billie: Why doesn't anybody knows what 'ba ba ba ba ba' means?
[James just learns about the pregnancy]
Billie: I've got to update my Facebook status.
James: Wait, wait, wait. You are having this punk's baby? What is this? Some desperate cry for help?
Olivia: Not desperate, empowering!
Zack: Hey, who do you think you are talking to? You want to talk to someone, you talk to me.
James: Am I gonna have to call security?
Zack: Why? You can't handle me yourself, Grandpa?
Olivia: Oooh. This is fantastic.
James: [Angrily] I should have told you that I know Krav Maga.
Zack: Fine, call him. I will fight him too.
[Zack & Billie are having a fight.]
Billie: You! You pick me up at a bar, you call me again, you have some king of crazy magic super sperm, you have the worst one night stand in the history of time.
Zack: Hey, right back at you, OK? I don't know how they did things in your day, but nowadays, girl say stuff like, "Hey dude, I am not on the pill.".
Billie: In my day? This is still my day. It's not even lunch in my day.
[Line said twice by Billie to Zack in this episode.]
Billie: I love you. [realizes what she just said] What?!
[Olivia decides to confront Davis for answers.]
Billie: Good idea, I like it. Three ladies shaking it down, hot on the trail, getting some answers. [Refers to herself] One woman, pregnant James Bond, [refers to Olivia] one of them loose, Scottish, [refers to Abby] third, has flat hair.
[Abby and Olivia see Davis's apartment for the first time.]
Abby: So, this is the place Zack seduced you?
Billie: Yes, yes it is. I feel really good about myself right now.
Olivia: What does the master bedroom look out over? Hell?
[Billie is in Dr. Roland's office.]
Billie: I wonder where Zack is?
Dr. Roland: He hasn't talked to you yet?
Billie: Talked to me about what?
Dr. Roland: Hm. This is uncomfortable one. I haven't even put the speculum in yet.
Billie: What? What could be more uncomfortable than a speculum?
Dr. Roland: Zack stopped by earlier and told me he was moving out of town.
Billie: What? [The doctor nods] Well that explains his behavior this morning, the half-written note. [Takes a gulp] And the panic attack I am about to have.
Dr. Roland: Whoa, take it easy. Just breathe, ok? Remember, child birth is lot more painful.
One Night Stand
[Billie is talking to Olivia.]
Billie: So, the pregnancy books tell you all kinds of things to expect in the 1st trimester. You know, nausea, heartburn, bloaty gas.
Olivia: Oh, is that a baby growing inside you or a burrito?
[Abby asks Billie for an old dress of hers, which Billie refuses to give.]
Billie: [Cutting her off] No, you spill things. You are a spiller. You have been spilling things ever since you got YooHoo on my tutu in our recital.
Abby: I was six. Oh my god, are you ever gonna let that go?
Billie: No. I don't know whether it has something to do with your inner ear or the tide, you even cause chain spilling. [Flashback to a party where Abby caused everybody to spill their drinks]
Abby: But my event.
Abby: Fine. [Turns, only to bump into Olivia, effectively spilling Olivia's drink] I am almost a 100% positive that we just had a tiny earthquake.
[Billie realizes that she might have to wait for 5 years after giving birth to have sex.]
Billie: This is reality, so you know, I just have to be celibate for 5 years. In 5 years, I'll be 42. So, there's that. [sighs] I'll be 42 years old who hasn't had sex in 5 years, who has a child whose father is still in his 20's and has his life ahead of him. But then, even then, with all my mistakes piling around like empty pizza boxes from last night's depression feast, [points angrily towards Abby] I'll not give you that dress!
Abby: But you will think about it, right?
[Zack is in Davis's bathroom, trying to use coconut milk to wash off the tan.]
Davis: Hey buddy. Everything flesh coloured yet?
Zack: Yea. Yeah, I think the coconut milk's working.
Davis: Aren't they gonna notice that they are missing 60 gallons of coconut milk at your restaurant?
Zack: Oh, I am bringing it back. [Davis contorts his face in disgust]
[Billie has just received the box of her possessions from James via mail and she is upset.]
Davis: That is the work of a true break up master [Zack tries to warn him to no avail]. No CD's hitting you in the head, no chicks doing little chick punching. Yeah, definitely how I am gonna break up with my first girlfriend.
Zack: Dude, enough.
Davis: All I am saying is that if she was remotely good in bed, he would have delivered the box himself so he could hit that one more [Billie punches him in his arm] Oww! What the heck was that?!
Billie: [smirking] My "chick punch".
[Abby, Billie and Olivia are talking about the box]
Abby: Wonder if James is already dating someone else. Maybe she needs the drawer. She probably has a lot of stuff.
Billie: [sarcastically] You guys are great.
[Billie is visibly upset about the fact that Zack was making out with another girl in Billie's apartment.]
Zack: Are you sure you are okay with this? Because you are not acting like the half of a well oiled machine.
Billie: I am. What do you want me to do? Help you get her pants off?
Zack: [ponders for a second] Is that a real question?
[Zack and Billie are talking about Heather]
Billie: Does it bother this girl at all that I am about to have your baby?
Zack: No. That's what's so great about it. She thinks it is cool I am sticking around. So, thanks to you, I am like a hero. [leaves the kitchen]
Billie: Glad I could help.
[Billie to Abby on phone about her Internet date]
Billie: So, about my Internet date. He is married, and on top of that, his wife is pregnant too, and we have the same doctor and I asked him to leave.
The Love Guru
[Abby has friended Olivia on Facebook.]
Olivia: You have been invited to take the "How well do you know Abby?" quiz. [exasperated] Kill me now.
[Davis unsuccessfully tries to thwart sexual advances of the girl he has picked up, as Billie had advised him to. Later, he and Billie are in the bar.]
Davis: I slept with her.
Billie: I know. I was listening. Why didn't you hang up the phone?
Davis: Why didn't you hang up the phone?
Billie: It was a slow night.
[Sasha and Billie are talking at Billie's apartment.]
Sasha: I just... I just like him so much. I mean, have you seen his big move?
Billie: [initially nonplussed at her last sentence, rubs her hand over her belly] I think I have.
[Davis's date leaves him. Davis angrily storms in Billie's apartment and slams the door.]
Davis: [to Billie] What the hell did you do to me?!
Billie: Calm down. What happened?
Davis: A hot chick wanted to have sex with me, and because of you, I blew up!
Billie: You were the one who wanted a relationship! I was happy to just bang her!
[Zack and Billie are alone in her apartment after everything has happened.]
Zack: I should be more careful who I bring into this house. I mean, we are going to have a baby here. I mean, I gotta start being more choosy.
Billie: So, basically, I am four times my normal size, my hormones are so out of control, I want to laugh, cry and want to kill someone in same moment and the big change in your life is that you have to pick up "quality girls"?
[James asks advice from Billie about purchasing a vineyard.]
James: I've narrowed it down to two places. Both of them have small vineyards, so the question is - red or white?
Billie: Just do what I do with the skirts. Just buy them both and return the one that makes your ass look big.
[James has purchased a vineyard and is talking to the ladies about it.]
James: Well, I went with the white wine because it hit me - I enjoy fish and chicken. Then, it turns out, the vineyard is infested with the bugs that spread Pierce's Disease. That's like herpes for grapes.
Olivia: Are none of the God's creatures spared?
[Billie tells Abby and Olivia that Zack peed on her.]
Abby: Is that a metaphor like he peed on your dreams?
Billie: Nope, he actually peed on me.
Olivia: [grimacing] Well, that needs to be consensual.
[James about why he and Billie never fought when they were together.]
James: I try not to fight. I've got two simple rules to live by: keep all the blood inside my body and have as many orgasms as possible. And anyone who is doing anything else is doing it wrong. 'Cause at the end of the day, we are really all alone. You got to look out for number one.
[Billie is eating ribs, when suddenly the baby kicks.]
Billie: Oh my God. You just kicked. You did it again! You like ribs. Or you hate ribs. Baby's first opinion! [puts the rib in her gown pocket and runs towards Zack's truck]
[Billie asks Abby whether she and Nick are ready to have a baby yet.]
Abby: No. He is sticking to his guns. I mean, I know we decided for the first three years of our marriage, we were gonna focus on our careers.
Billie: Abby, you have been married for five years.
Abby: That's very frustrating. But I don't want to say anything, because it has an adverse effect on the quality of his erections.
Billie: [almost chokes, then in a straight tone] Yes, well anything below raging is not acceptable.
[Sully has asked Billie out on a date. Sully leaves her desk, James comes near Olivia's.]
Billie: James, can I ask you a question about my body?
James: Well, I see this ending well for me.
[James tells Billie that Sully may be a pregnophile.]
Billie: Pregnophile? What's that? That's not something.
James: Yeah, yeah, sure it is. You know, there's all kinds of weird fetishes. Like people who are into weird costumes, or feet. Or monogamy.
[Billie asks Sully about his previous girlfriends to see whether he is really a pregnophile.]
Sully: I mean, we were really into each other, but then it just ended after, I think nine months. [Billie gets alarmed]
Billie: Oh. What about the one before that?
Sully: Ah, that was Sherry. That one lasted about eight months, but she dropped early.
Billie: Dropped early?
Sully: We were in a computer class together. Dumb girl, real dumb. [Billie gets reassured]
[Billie confronts Sully on finding him with another pregnant woman.]
Billie: Oh. Oh, what? You don't want her to know that you are only going out with her 'cause she's pregnant? [both the woman and Sully look at her] I am sorry, I just think you need to know that you are on a date with a pregnophile.
Sully: Billie, Billie, Billie, Billie. This is my sister Denise. And she ain't pregnant.
The Third Man
[Zack has invited Billie and Brian to a brunch. James and Zack are talking about Brian.]
James: Yeah, I know. She looks happy with Brian, and I hate it. Kind of reminds me when you burst on the scene.
Zack: Well, now I know how you felt. Except that when I met you, she wasn't pregnant with your baby. So, it's kind of worse for me.
James: Oh, I don't know. I was with her for three years, I put a lot of time in with her. I think it's kind of worse for me.
Zack: I have to live with her.
James: I have to work with her.
Zack: I have to listen to her make out with Brian in the other room.
James: You win. You wanna get drunk?
[James on why he cannot fire Brian.]
James: I would, then I could, man, but he is one of the best photojournalists around, and pictures matter. If there is one thing I have learnt after two decades in print media - people don't like words.
[Billie meets Brian's ex-wife Pam for the first time.]
Pam: [clinging to Brian] He used to call me his muse. Didn't you?
Brian: Well, I called you a lot of things. Muse was one of them.
[Pam asks Billie about her pregnancy.]
Billie: Yep, it's great. You gotta try it sometime. I gotta go wet my whistle. [goes to Olivia] Oh my god, wet my whistle? Who was talking just now, Humphrey Bogart?
[Ryan, Zack, Billie, Abby, Davis and Olivia are watching a movie in Billie's apartment.]
Davis: Wait a second. When does the movie start?
Billie: We have been watching it for 45 minutes.
Davis: Ah. I thought it was just a really informative trailer. I have been saying to myself over and over, "They are really giving the whole movie away!"
Billie: [amused] Yeah, this is better than having a boyfriend.
[Zack and Davis are in a store.]
Davis: Oh, the irony. They put the contraceptives right next to the baby food.
[Zack is checking the list of baby products on the computer.]
Zack: You should see this list of baby essentials. When all is said and done, that single orgasm is going to cost me four hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Billie: You should write that down. It will go good in a birthday card someday.
[Zack asks Davis what a "diaper genie" is.]
Davis: No bro, that is a must have. It twists the diaper into a never ending sausage of baby crap.
Billie: And just like that, I have lost my appetite to ever eat a sausage again.
[Zack asks the manager to be allowed to be a sous chef for a night.]
Manager: I'll tell you what- how about Tuesday? [hears a scream from kitchen] How about Monday?
Zack: Yeah, perfect.
[Max and Billie are watching a film, while Billie has to go to the bathroom. Max refuses to pause the movie, Billie reluctantly sits down.]
Voice in the film: This rain. This endless rain. It's making me cry. What a release.
Billie: [exiting the room] And thus ends the first time you have ever watched a movie with a girl.
[Billie is freaked out that she will lose her job while Zack is unsure that he will be able to do his best.]
Davis: You both are acting like a couple of drama queens! [to Billie] So you lose your job. [to Zack] So you blow up the restaurant. So I sleep in your bed while you are at work. The point is, Zack, this is your M.O., man. You always panic, but then you succeed.
Ryan: Yeah, like when you lost your virginity.
[Zack and James have a fight at Zack's restaurant over a misunderstanding. Both are in Billie's apartment.]
Zack: [to Billie] Thanks for coming tonight, Billie. It really meant a lot to me.
Billie: I wouldn't have missed it for the world. You know what I was thinking? We are not naming our baby Max. Or Maxine.
Zack: What was that name you said the other day?
Zack: Yeah, I really like that.
James: This is really awkward for me.
[Davis and Abby finally succeed in forcing money out of Olivia. Olivia leaves the restaurant.]
Davis: Now I feel really bad.
Abby: You shouldn't. That's my purse.
[Zack and Billie are in Dr. Roland's office.]
Dr. Roland: Did you two sign up for that baby care class?
Zack: Uh yeah, but because of our work schedules, I can only go during the day and she can go only at night.
Billie: It's almost as if we didn't think this whole "hooking up in a bar and not using a condom" thing through.
Zack: I am really looking forward to it. I mean, no other guys I hang with are having a baby, and, you know, I am hoping to meet some other dads. Maybe hang out.
Dr. Roland: Zack, I am a gynaecologist. Unless this ends with something weird on somebody's vagina, I can't help you.
[Zack has just told about his situation with Billie to the parenting class. A lesbian woman named Toni introduces herself and her pregnant girlfriend Toni to him and Davis.]
Davis: So, lesbians, huh? How great are boobs?
Toni: Well, her boobs are fantastic. I mean, they are incredible. You just wanna get in there and...
Davis: She's talking about her boobs.
Zack: And you are interrupting her. So, boobs, go on.
Dani: [to Davis] Did you check out the rack on the candy striper by the doughnut table?
Toni: Dani please, you are a married woman.
Dani: [to Davis] You wanna grab a bear claw and see if we can look down the candy striper's shirt?
Davis: I would answer that, except all the blood has rushed out of my head.
[Olivia is pretending to be pregnant in order to write an exposé and asks Billie for permission to join her in order to do her research.]
Billie: Okay. Yay. [rubs hand on Olivia's fake stomach] God, it looks so real. [suddenly stops rubbing] I think I just felt something kick.
Olivia: Oh, I had the chicken curry for lunch.
[Zack is talking to Davis about their day in parenting class.]
Zack: You know, I was kind of hoping to bond with some of the cool guys in the class, but they totally shut me off of their chunky dad clique. I don't think they were thrilled with how much hair I have or the ease with which I can get an erection.
Davis: Not my favourite thing either, dude.
[Billie and Abby are having a fight in her apartment, while Zack and Davis are in the kitchen, unknown to them.]
Billie: [to Abby] You were totally showing me up! I mean, how could you get good at this baby stuff, anyway? What, are you hanging out at family restrooms taking notes? Diapering chimps at the zoo? What are you trying to prove?
Abby: I wasn't trying to prove anything. I was trying to help you. You are welcome!
Billie: And you were loving watching me struggle!
Davis: [whispers to Zack] I have to pee.
Zack: Do it in the sink.
Abby: You just can't stand to see me be better than you at anything. I always wondered what it would be like if I was better at something than you. And now I know. You are so gracious. You got the good hair, the glamorous job and the baby on the way, but do I explode in your face with resentment? No, I keep it in. I control it, because I love you! [throws a tantrum, then goes away]
Billie: [shouts angrily at Abby] I love you too! [forces the door halfway, then slowly closes it and enters the kitchen]
Zack: Oh, you are home.
Billie: [sees Davis just about to pee in the sink] Davis! [Davis slips down the sink]
[Zack comes to Dr. Roland for parenting advice.]
Dr. Roland: Zack, um, remember that high speed chase that went from Fresno down to Bakersfield?
Dr. Roland: Yeah. Real nasty. Uh, they put out spikes to flatten the tires, big explosion, then the guy ran away, and then the dogs got him?
Zack: [laughing] Yeah.
Dr. Roland: Yeah. That's my son, Carl. And my daughter doesn't talk to me because I had her fiancée deported. So, what can I help you with?
[Zack, Davis, Toni & Dani are in a lesbian bar.]
Toni: Great place, right?
Davis: Great? This place is amazing. Everywhere I look, it is like my favourite kind of porn is about to break out.
Zack: What is your "un-favourite" kind of porn?
Davis: Well, the German stuff is a little rough. No wonder they started two world wars.
[Zack breaks open Davis's apartment door, only to find the latter bound and gagged. He proceeds to rip the duct the tape over Davis's mouth.]
Davis: Ow! Hey Zack, Little late for the partay!
Zack: What happened?!
Davis: Dude, I was in a little something called the "ménage-a-trois" and then I got a little something called "tied up and robbed". Why did you come here?
Zack: You know, I just had this feeling in my gut that something was wrong.
Davis: No, I meant, why did you come here?! I was sitting here, basking in the glory of my experience. Although, my nose was getting stopped up and I couldn't really breathe through my mouth, so I was probably moments away from death. Good instincts! Can you untie me, please?
Zack: Yeah, in a sec.[puts the duct tape back over Davis's mouth, then puts the gagged up "dummy" baby in his lap] For the family album.
[Last lines from the episode.]
Billie: [to Zack] You are gonna be a great dad.
Zack: Yeah, we are gonna be great parents.
Billie: Well, I am late for my pole dancing class. I got casts now and everything.
Zack: Cool, I am headed to the lesbian bar.
It Happened One Christmas
[Zack and Davis are about to go elsewhere to celebrate Christmas.]
Davis: Zack and I have a long standing tradition where I take him on a surprise Christmas adventure. Three secret locations. Two handsome men. One bench warrant outstanding from last year's adventure.
Zack: I am in your hands, Captain Hanukkah.
Davis: You know the drill. [Davis begins to blindfold Zack]
Abby: Something dirty about to happen?
Davis: Only if you come with us.
Billie: Okay, okay, okay. Enough uncomfortable sex talk with my sister. [ushers them out]
Abby: It's okay if there is a little.
[Abby is furious that Billie didn't tell their parents that Zack is living with her.]
Abby: I can't believe that you didn't tell them Zack lived here.
Billie: I can't believe you didn't tell them Nick was Canadian.
Abby: You shut your mouth about that.
[Abby and Billie's mother enters the apartment.]
Mother: [bringing herself near Billie's stomach] Oh, Hello little baby. It's your grandma. I won't judge how you came into this world.
Billie: [suddenly puts her hand on her stomach] Oh, feel that! [puts her mother's hand on her stomach] Baby's first eye roll.
[Billie's father enters the apartment.]
Billie: Hi, Daddy. Merry Christmas.
Father: Well, look at you. Doing things all out of order.
Billie: Look at you. Insulting me before you even say hello.
[Billie's mother is talking to her about James.]
Mother: So how have things being going since you broke up?
Billie: It was difficult at first, but I am okay now.
Mother: Yeah? Oh, he was so rich, he was so handsome. I just don't think you should be okay.
Billie: Would you like it better if I said I wasn't okay?
Mother: Yeah, yeah I think it would.
[Zack reads the greeting card sent to him by Billie on behalf of their yet to be born child]
Zack: What do you do when you meet the coolest girl you are ever gonna meet and you are only 22?
Davis: Keep looking. Just kidding, I get it.
[Edward has given Zack his approval on the roof, while Nick and Davis are watching.]
Nick: [obviously jealous of Zack] God. Why don't they just make out already?
[Zack proposes to Billie in front of everyone. Billie kisses Zack on the roof]
Zack: Is that a yes? [kisses him again]
Billie: That's "I don't know.".
Zack: Can't wait for the "yes" kiss.
[Abby, Nick and Davis are in Zack's van.]
Abby: It smells so woodlandy fresh in here. Do you have one of those little air fresheners that looks like a tree?
Davis: Yep. [points to the "pot" tree in the van]
The Odd Couples
[Zack is complaining about Nick to Billie. Nick emerges from the bathroom].
Nick: Ooh, it feels so much better to get that salt water off my face.
Billie: I thought he didn't go in the water.
Zack: It's from the crying.
[Billie and Abby have made up.]
Billie: Do you think what Zack and I are trying to do is ever... I mean, how do Ashton and Demi do it? How do they find people to hang out with?
Abby: Well, it helps that they are both beautiful millionaires. But they never really know who their true friends are. Although, if Demi called me right now, I would dump you in a second.
[Billie has given Abby the envelope containing the information of the sex of her baby and told her to read the information in private.]
Abby: Yay! [goes to the bedroom. Suddenly her screams are heard] No! No! [Billie rolls her eyes, then suddenly realizes what Abby read]
Billie: We are having a boy!
Zack: All right!
[Sully enters the office and spots Olivia.]
Sully: Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Olivia: Zero interest.
[James has just told Billie and Sully to co-author the cover story for the Sunday magazine.]
Billie: [surprised] The Sunday magazine? I slept with you for three years, I never got the Sunday magazine! Oh my God! Thank you!
Sully: Yeah, that's amazing! This is gonna make my mother a superstar in her church group. And her gun club.
[Sully runs into Olivia again.]
Sully: How you doing, Olivia?
Sully: Come on, let me investigate your Scotland Yard, you know what I mean?
Olivia: Look, you are too tall, you are too loud and you have got too many freckles. It's everything I left Scotland to get away from.
[James has been fired and is sitting in a bar with Billie, Olivia and Sully. Billie realizes that rest of them stand to lose their jobs as well.]
Olivia: So we are screwed. And not in the good Cindy way.
Sully: I am more screwed than you, you Scottish tease. You don't owe a bookie named Piggy Gonzalez 50 grand. She is a very violent woman.
Billie: How am I going to tell the 22 year old father of my baby that we may lose our health insurance? I mean, you guys don't have anyone to go home to who has to hear this bad news.
Olivia: Oh, thanks for that.
Sully: That's nice, Chase.
James: Maybe I'll give Cindy a call.
[Billie learns that James sacrificed his position to save her from being fired.]
Billie: I don't know how I'll ever thank you. [hugs him]
James: Run away with me.
Billie: Wow, you are really late with this.
James: I know. Run away with me.
Billie: You have been drinking a lot.
James: That's why I didn't say, "Drive away with me.".
[Zack & Davis are discussing the prospects in case Billie loses her job. The duo have an idea that the baby could help them get money.]
Davis: On the count of three, we both say what we are talking about.
Zack: All right. One, two, three. Baby model.
Davis: [at the same moment] Sell the baby.
Zack: Sell the baby?!
Davis: Yours is better.
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
[Billie is talking about Zack not putting up the crib to Abby & Olivia.]
Abby: [to Billie] Why don't you manipulate Zack? That's what I do with Nick. He won't even realize you are doing it. It's like killing someone with carbon monoxide. They don't know what's happening. It's just smile, smile, smile, dead.
Billie: Smile, smile, smile, you are freaking me out.
[Zack assembles the crib, but puts all his stuff in Billie's room, cramping the space.]
Billie: How do you amass that much crap at 22? When I was 22, all I has was a Miata, a thong and a diaphragm, and it was a great year.
[Abby is complaining about Bob to Olivia.]
Olivia: You want someone better, go out and find them.
Olivia: Sweetie, we live in San Francisco. Just go out there and sing four bars of Lady Gaga. They will be crawling all over you.
[Zack and Billie are fighting about Zack's stuff being in Billie's room.]
Zack: Well, if you didn't like all the stuff in the room, then why didn't you just get rid of some of your crap and make room for mine?
Billie: Because everything in that room is essential and necessary. [cuts to the bedroom, where Zack is showing Billie her stuff]
Zack: [pulls a ski jacket] Ski jacket? [pulls out bathrobes] Seven robes?! [takes out a black dress] Okay, this dress, let's be honest, you are never fitting into this again.
Billie: That's my stomach flu dress. Every girl has one.
Zack: You have a floppy hat collection like I have never seen. Who are you, Molly Ringwald? [takes out a basket filled with floppy hats and empties it over the bed]
Billie: You know who Molly Ringwald is?
[Jerome, a patron of the gay bar where Davis works, is convinced by Davis and Billie that Zack was two timing them.]
Jerome: You don't deserve him. [slaps Zack, pulls him by his shirt and whispers in his ear] Call me. [tucks his visiting card in Zack's T-shirt]
Back to School
[Billie finds that Zack's high school has planned a reunion for his batch.]
Billie: Here is something addressed to you from Genesee high school. You guys were the Bombers, huh? I like those cute little smiley bomb mascots you have.
Davis: Yeah, our hometown is where they made all the nuclear bombs.
Billie: A little less cute now.
[Zack's reunion coincides with Abby's pitch for her Acai Magna, for which Billie had promised to hold a cocktail party at her apartment.]
Olivia: What is Acai Magna? [Billie, who is behind Abby, signals Olivia to not to ask]
Abby: Oh, what a good question, Olivia. If I told you I had a miracle juice that could deliver anti-oxidants and help fight free radicals, how much would you be willing to pay? $600? $800? I promise, use this for one night and you will feel relaxed, energized with a huge smile on your face.
Olivia: [takes the bottle, then casually asks] Where do I put the batteries? [Billie suppresses her laugh while Abby is taken unawares]
Abby: [realizing that Olivia is pulling her leg] Oh, grow up. Grow up! [Olivia starts teasing her]
[Davis enters the gym room where the reunion is being held. Tracy DeLace, a bespectacled girl is welcoming everyone.]
Davis: Hey, Tracy. I see you switched to smaller size glasses since we graduated.
Tracy: Hello Davis. I was just doing some reading about you in girl's bathroom. [Davis's face pales]
Davis: That's still there? It is not true, okay? Everything seems smaller to those volleyball amazons.
[Billie is mad when she learns about Melissa from both Tracy & Melissa.]
Billie: [to Zack] Why didn't you just tell me about Melissa?
Zack: Because I didn't know she was gonna be here!
Billie: Well, it was a good thing that she was, or I never would've found out about your secret Facebook relationship.
Zack: It's not a relationship. She sends me hot photos of herself and I forward them to my friends. [Billie gets madder] I'm joking. [Billie walks away, Liz stops her along with another girl]
Liz: See, tell me she doesn't look like an older, pregnant Mrs. Leeds.
Billie: Shut it down, Liz!
[Billie and Zack share a candid moment in Zack's van, following which Davis finally tells Zack about him sleeping with Melissa.]
Zack: [in an emotionless tone] Yeah dude, you tell me every year when you get drunk on "Jewish Forgive Me" day. [flashback to last years Yom Kippur]
Davis: [crying] I slept with Melissa, man! She kept on coming and I was like "Oy, vey!" [Zack finishes his drink]
Davis: [in the present] Oh. Did you forgive me?
Zack: Not the first year. The first year, I beat the crap out of you.
Davis: That was you?! Man, I reported that as a hate crime.
Billie: Well, I think the most important thing that we take away from all of this is that forgiveness is divine. And Melissa is a skanky ho.
[Ryan, posing as Jabbari, has just had sex with Tracy in girls bathroom.]
Tracy: Jabbari, that was really amazing. That hand is really flexible.
Ryan: Yeah, those Swiss really know how to make a nice arm.
Tracy: Look, I really want to see you again, so here's my number [writes her number on a paper], and uh, here, so you don't lose it. [pins it on "Jabbari's Swiss arm" using a thumbtack. Ryan stops himself from screaming]
Ryan: I am gonna call you, girl.
[Zack is upset that Billie hired Nicole without even telling him. Billie is all praises about Nicole.]
Billie: She is our savior. You and I've been doing things all wrong. All wrong. Like that changing table.
Zack: What's wrong with the changing table? I built that changing table.
Billie: Nicole said its a death trap.
Zack: It's fine. My mom used to change me on a Hibachi grill.
Billie: She also said you'd make a sarcastic remark.
Zack: Did she say I'd make an obscene gesture?
[Zack and Billie are going to Fürniken's to return the table. Billie asks Ryan and Davis to leave.]
Ryan: Uh-uh. I don't think so, Mama. It's March Madness, and you've got the sports package.
Billie: I do not have the sports package. What is he talking about?
Zack: [alluding to Nicole] I bought it without asking you. Imagine that.
[Abby & Olivia are in the furniture section of Fürniken.]
Abby: I'd love to get a new couch. But Nick can't part with ours. Our cat had kittens on it and then a couple years later, Nick's grandmother died on that couch.
Olivia: Why? Were you telling one of your fascinating stories?
[Nicole stands exposed before a shocked Billie.]
Billie: Okay, couple of things. One, is that my teddy? Two, so that's what my teddy is supposed to look like. And three, you are so fired, we need a new word for fired, but since fired is what you are, lets just go with fired.
Nicole: Can I still print you out as reference?
Billie: Are you crazy?
Nicole: [points at Davis and smacks her lips] A little bit.
[Abby forces Olivia to call her mother.]
Olivia: It's 5 a.m. in Scotland. So she'll just be getting back from the pub, or she'll be just arriving at the pub. Either way, I'll call the pub.
[Abby about Nicole's behaviour.]
Abby: She was wearing your fancy teddy? If you are going to seduce two men in someone else's apartment, you should bring your own lingerie. I mean, that's just good manners.
[Billie's plans after firing Nicole.]
Billie: No. I am going to keep this baby inside of me where he is safe from my poor decision making. I've been working on my Kegels. I'll just seal that sucker up. This big already, I can go bigger. I'll keep him in there till he is 9. If I can go 9, I can go 18. And once he is 18, I'll plop him out and he can make his own decisions. It's so simple, I don't know why no one's ever thought of it.
Speed: Part 1
[Zack and Billie are heading to a movie premiere in his van.]
Billie: I can't believe it. Next time I go to a movie premiere, I am going to be a mother. Take a left on Geary. Aw, next time I take a left on Geary, I am going to be a mother.
Zack: Yep. And next time I see two trannies making out at a bus stop, I am gonna be a dad.
[Officer Ravitz is not letting Zack and Billie alone. Brenda, who happens to be Ravitz's girlfriend, is also a nurse at the hospital]
Ravitz: Could this have worked out any better or what?
Billie: I don't think so. I mean, you are a cop, your girlfriend's a nurse. The only way this could be more fantastic is if your dad was a pediatrician.
Ravitz: No, he is a bail bondsman.
Zack: I'll take his card.
[Davis comes to the hospital to rescue Zack and Billie.]
Davis: [to Brenda] You a nurse?
Davis: Is this your station?
Davis: Is that a supply closet?
Davis: Would you say that supply closet is the supply closet directly across from the nurses station?
Davis: And we are on the third floor?
Davis: And that's a gurney blocking the supply closet directly across from the nurses station on the third floor?
Davis: And would you ever consider going out with me?
Davis: [angrily] Then what the hell is my father doing in the hallway?! [pushing the gurney] We are leaving, Dad, immediately!
Brenda: Sir, you cannot move the gurney. We are waiting for the stone to pass. [Zack and Billie escape]
[Abby has had a wardrobe malfunction in the premiere.]
Abby: Oh. Got an e-mail from my mom. Oh my God. It's all over the Internet. [shows Nick the picture]
Nick: Are you okay, honey?
Abby: Are you kidding? My boob is a celebrity!
Speed: Part 2
[Zack is trying to convince Officer Ravitz to let him go.]
Zack: But you don't understand. I need to be their for her, okay? Come on, dude. She is having my baby.
Old biker: My girlfiends having a baby too.
Transvestite: Mine, too.
Zack: They are copying me. Stop copying me.
Transvestite: You are a whiny little bitch. It's just my type.
Zack: And my day just keeps getting better.
[Nurse Gavin has had Billie settled.]
Gavin: Your cervix is at 4 centimeters.
Davis: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...
Gavin: [to Billie] Is this your husband?
Billie: No, no, no, no. No. [looks at Davis] Oh God, No!
Davis: [to Gavin] I am way out of her league.
[Olivia mentions that Billie will become a mother in 18 hours.] Billie: 18 hours?!
Davis: [glowering] 18 hours?
Olivia: [to Davis] Oh, suck it up. My mother had to perform her own C - section with a broken whisky bottle.
[Abby has been benched next to Zack and the duo are despairing over the situation.]
Zack: God, this is going on forever, and I have to get there in time. What's the longest it has ever taken for the baby to come out?
Abby: Well, I heard about this one woman in Himalayas who was in labor for a week.
Abby: Yeah. She died. Oh, this is not a helpful story.
[Dr. Roland is checking Billie's contractions.]
Dr. Roland: Ok, you are at 9 centimeters.
Davis: [to Dr. Roland] Hey, when the European guys measure their penis, do they get to use centimeters? 'Cause that would sound a lot more impressive.
Billie: [to Davis] Hey, let's go easy on the penis talk down there.
Dr. Roland: [to Billie] The point is, you are not quite there yet.
Billie: [freaking out] This is not quite there?! I know this sounds hard to believe, but I think the baby has a knife!
Dr. Roland: Well, it is a rough neighborhood.
[Abby, Davis and Olivia are trying to distract Billie from her pain.]
Abby: I made friends with a transvestite prostitute.
Billie: Another one?! Big deal.
Davis: I slept with Olivia!
Billie: [stops in the middle of a scream] You what?!
Dr. Roland: [to Davis] That's good, yeah. More stuff like that. Tell her where.
Davis: [to Billie] Uh, okay. In your living room, kitchen floor. On your bed. Where your head goes.
Billie: [to Olivia] Olivia!
Olivia: Oh, I am not ashamed of anything I did to him.
Davis: I am, a little.
[Billie has agreed to marry Zack.]
Zack: So, we are engaged.
Billie: [smiling] Yeah. Look, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but how long do you want to wait before we have kids? [both start laughing]