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Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

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Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is a 1994 Warner Bros. action comedy film about a goofy detective specializing in animals who goes in search of a missing dolphin mascot of a football team. It was shot in Miami, Florida.

Directed by Tom Shadyac and written by Jack Bernstein, Tom Shadyac, and Jim Carrey.

Ace Ventura

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  • [trying to figure out the connection between Lt. Einhorn and Ray Finkle, but sees his pet dog sitting on the Finkle photograph, and deduces something by the dog's hair making it look as if Finkle has woman's hair.] What the...that's it. That's it. Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a MAN! [remembering that Einhorn had kissed him] OH MY GOD! EINHORN IS A MAN?! [Ace goes to vomit in the bathroom]

Dialogue

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[Ace has come home with food for himself and his animals when his landlord, Mr. Shickadance, comes from behind him.]
Mr. Shickadance: Ventura!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [He turns around to face Mr. Shickadance.] Oh, I'm sorry sir, you sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura. [Coughs loudly] You owe me, rent!
Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you. You're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. [Shows Mr. Shickadance, a $25,000 reward poster] Look at that. That's a true albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it and is offering a huge reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard them again this morning, scratching around.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah! What's all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura: ...Fiber?
[Aguado stomps on a cockroach.]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds...porking his wife!
Aguado: Why, you- [tries to attack Ace, but he misses]
Ace: Come on! [takes him down and holds his face near the dead bug] Now, kiss and make up.
Ace Ventura: [using his ass to talk to Emilio] Excuse me! I'd like to ASS you a few questions!
Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes in here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.
Ace Ventura: [turns around to face Emilio] I think I can keep him under control, but you're going to have to tell me who's working the Snowflake case.
Emilio: Hey, I can't do nothing for you on that one. My hands are totally tied.
Ace Ventura: [turns back to using his ass to talk to Emilio] All right, that's it! NOW it's my turn! Five minutes alone, that's all I need! C'MON!
Detective: [leans in to talk to Emilio] Better look alive. Einhorn's on her way down.
Ace Ventura: [using his ass to talk to Emilio] Ooooh! Bum, bum bum, bum!!
Emilio: Come on, now. Ace, please.
Ace Ventura: [using his ass to talk to Emilio] What's the matter? Afraid I'll make a stink? Come on!
Emilio: Aguado's working the case, all right?
Ace Ventura: [turns and sits on the chair] Aguado! Good call!
Emilio: We're just a little busy now with murderers and burglaries and drug dealers. Things like that. A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.
Ace Ventura: [starts to shake violently from the chair] Now you've pissed him off.
Emilio: Would you give me a break?
Ace Ventura: [exaggerates the violent shakes] I can't hold him much longer!
Emilio: My boss is coming! Okay, look. We ran a check with local animal-rights groups. We checked out the taxidermists and we already checked on van rentals. So far, nothing, nathin', nada. All right?
Ace Ventura: Any unusual bets being made?
Emilio: Of course! This is Super Bowl!
Ace Ventura: What'd you find out about the tank?
Emilio: Nothing. Tire tracks, an escape route. A guard didn't see anything.
Ace Ventura: That's it? [shines Emilio's desk lamp to Emilio's face]
Emilio: I swear. Now will you please get the hell out of here before I get into trouble?
Ace Ventura: [turns back to using his ass to talk to Emilio] Thank you for all your cooperation! By the way, do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?
[Lois Einhorn enters and goes to Emilio's desk]
Ace Ventura: [clears throat, still speaking through his ass opera-style] Assholiomio...Osodomia...Lea-- [sees Lois Einhorn] HOLY...testicle Tuesday!
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Roger Podactor: Who's he?
Melissa Robinson: Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.
Podactor: [shakes Ace's hand.] Nice to meet you, you were highly recommended by Martha Metz.
Ace Ventura: Martha Metz? Oh, yeah, the bitch!
Podactor: What?
Ventura: Pekingese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]
[at the crime scene following Roger Podacter's death]
Ace: Oh, there is just... one more thing, Lieutenant. This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor, she lives across the hall. She said she heard a scream, isn't that right Ma'am?
Lady: Right.
Ace: (to the manager) And you said you had to open the balcony door when you came into the room?
Man: That's true.
Ace Ventura: You're certain you had to open this door?
Man: Yeah, I'm certain.
Lois Einhorn: What's the point, Ventura?!
Ventura: Only this... [walks out to the balcony and sings a sustained operatic note while opening and closing the door; no one can hear him when the soundproof door is closed] This is double-paned soundproof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside this apartment before he was thrown over the balcony, and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist] I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Losers?
Einhorn: [everyone stares in shock] GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
Ventura: [starts making his way out with Melissa while looking at everyone, holding his fingers like an L] LOSERS! Leh-hew, ze-hers!
Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa Robinson: No, this is--this is my date. He's a lawyer.
Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?
Robinson: No, this is Ace. Um, Tom Ace.
Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific. I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at Stanford Law was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Camp: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.
Ventura: [to Melissa] Oh. Look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres. [looks suspiciously at Camp]
Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [Ray's father peers out of the door's peephole, pointing a shotgun directly at Ace's face] And a clean pair of shorts.
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
Ventura: [breathes deeply] Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro athlete to come out of Collier County, and [drawls] one hell of a model American. [takes deep breath]
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?
Ace Ventura: No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. [weeps] This is my Graceland, sir.
[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
Ace Ventura: [begging] Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... [indicates Marino] He's the one you want! Kill him!
Dan Marino: No, kill him! He's the detective!
Ventura: No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy! [startled at Einhorn shooting into the air]
Marino: [to Ace] Crybaby.
Ventura: [to Dan] Jock.
Marino: Wimp.
Ventura: Musclehead.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP! I think I'll kill the dolphin first, I wouldn't want you to miss that!
Einhorn: Shoot him! SHOOT HIM!
Emilio: Hold your fire! [Melissa drags Emilio into the area with a gun pointed at him] Don't shoot.
Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it! [cocks gun and puts it under Emilio's chin]
Emilio: She's not joking!
Einhorn: HE KIDNAPPED SNOWFLAKE! He killed Roger Podacter, and he was just about to kill Dan Marino and ME!
Ace: Oh-ho-HO! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance: if you were to look up professional football's all-time bonehead plays...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII. [takes deep breath and begins speaking at a faster clip] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing! [gasps for air]
Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
Ace: [pointing at Einhorn] SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!
Einhorn: He's lying...SHOOT HIM!
Ace: [laughs] Let's just see who's lying, shall we? Would a real woman have to wear one of these? [pulls on Einhorn's hair, assuming it's a wig] Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this...would a real woman be missing these? [rips open Einhorn's blouse, revealing her breasts which he believed to be fake only to find that they are authentic] That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt very much if he could find the time during his... busy schedule...to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish! [rips Einhorn's skirt off, believing she is hiding a penis, but she appears to have the normal figure of a woman] Heh heh...oh, boy.
Dan Marino: Psst, Ace...come here.
Ace: Would you excuse me for just one second? [Ace walks over to Marino, who whispers to him about something that leaves Ace agape] Ladies and gentlemen...my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken...if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be...then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN! [Ace grabs Einhorn and spins her around revealing a huge penis tucked behind her legs, making everyone gasp in shock] THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winky!!
[Everyone in the Miami Dade PD, including Marino and Snowflake reacts in disgust because it means that Finkle/Einhorn had indeed kissed them like she/he did Ace.]
Ace: Goodnight, everybody! You've been a wonderful audience! I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
[Finkle picks up a piece of glass]
Finkle: DIE ANIMAL BOY!! [runs at Ace, attempting to kill him]
Ace: Quick decision. [Ace somersaults Finkle into the water. After surfacing, Ace grabs her/his hand to find that the championship ring she/he is wearing has a missing gemstone, confirming that she/he is indeed the culprit] Eh-Loser!
[Ace is trying to catch the rare albino pigeon that landed on the Gatorade cooler, when a man playing Swoop chases it away.]
Ace: IDIOT!
Swoop: What?!
Ace: You realize what you just did. You cost me 25 Grand, Polly!
Swoop: Yeah? Blow me.
Ace: Rrreeallly?

Cast

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See also

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Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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