All in the Family/Season 4
All in the Family (1971–1979) was a groundbreaking television sitcom starring Carroll O'Connor as Archie Bunker and Jean Stapleton as Edith. Airing on the CBS television network, the show finished at number one in the Nielsen ratings for five consecutive years (1971–1976), a record it shared with The Cosby Show until American Idol passed it in the 2000s.
"We're Having a Heat Wave"
Mike: Congratulations Arch, you just contributed your own power cut.
Mike and Archie reading petition together: Whereas we have our fair share of coloreds in this neighborhood...
Mike: Watergate, Watergate, Watergate, Watergate
Archie: Would you shut up with that word, goddamn it.
"We're Still Having a Heat Wave"
"Edith Finds an Old Man"
Edith: You see, it all started this way—
Archie: All right, all right, Edith. I'll find out for myself. I'd like to get the story before the first of the month.
Mr. Quigley: They've got all kinds of medicines to keep us living longer and longer. Now they've got us living longer, they don't know what to do with us.
Mike: Why can't Mr. Quigley stay with us for a few days?
Archie: Because we've already got one freeloader living with me, and bread's up ten cents a loaf!
Mr. Quigley: No, and we aren't going to get married, either.
Jo: If we did, there'd be no point in living together.
"Archie and the Kiss"
"Archie the Gambler"
Mike: We're all family here.
Archie: Don't remind me!
Archie: Let me tell you something about beer: You can never buy beer, you can only rent it.
Mike: By now, (Archie) probably realizes it's his fault, he's going to walk in here, he's not going to say anything about it, and I don't believe a word I just said.
Archie: I demand an apology.
Edith: It's you that's gotta apologize to me.
Archie: I gotta? That's like asking Pearl Harbor to apologize to the Japs.
Archie: All this celebrating just because one colored guy wants to leave the neighborhood.
Mike: I thought you'd be the one leading the cheers.
Edith: Henry was saying the other day that there was no one he wanted to say "goodbye" to more than Archie.
Archie: Hey Jefferson, I don't blame your kid brother for wanting to leave home. If I was your brother, I'd want to leave home too.
George: If you were my brother I'd cut my throat.
Archie: If I were your brother I'd give you the knife.
Archie and the Computer"
Gloria: Ma, are you in some kind of trouble?
Edith: No, and I can't tell you what it is!
Archie: I think you found the goose that laid the golden prune.
Mike: If something goes wrong, if you've got a complaint, wouldn't you rather talk to a human being face-to-face?
Archie: Sure I would. But all I got is you.
Edith: I don't want nobody to be dead.
Archie: Edith, somebody's gotta be dead; that's life.
Mike: Is there anything for me?
Archie: No, nothing for you, Meathead, just for your mother-in-law. Sympathy cards.
Mike: Those people probably found out you're still alive.
"The Games Bunkers Play"
(playing the game)
Lionel: What's the first thing you say whenever I see you? Always something about the "black problem", right?
Mike: Well, what do you want me to talk about, the weather?
Lionel: Well, sometimes, yeah! I mean, black people have weather, too!
Mike: There's a storm at sea. The boat overturns, and your mother and I are drowning. Which one of us would you save? Just answer the question, which one of us would you save?
Gloria: That is NOT a fair question!
Mike: Why not?
Gloria: Because I can't swim!
Mike: But criticism is the whole point of this game! There's no fun without it!
Frank: Yeah. And so far, you've been a barrel of fun.
Edith: Out there, I told you why Archie gets mad at you. Don't you want to hear why he yells at you?
Mike: Ma, I know why he yells at me. He hates me.
Edith: Oh no, Mike, he doesn't hate you...Archie yells at you because he's jealous of you.
Mike:Ahh, I'm not listening to this.
Edith: Wait a minute, you WILL listen to me, Archie is jealous of you! Now that ain't hard to understand. Mike, you're going to college, and you've got your whole life ahead of you. Archie had to quit school to support his family; he ain't never gonna be anything more than he is right now. That's why Archie yells at you; he sees in you all the things that he's never gonna be. So, the next time Archie yells at you, try and be a little more understanding.
"Archie in the Cellar"
Irene: You know what Frank would say if he had caught us together.
Irene: "You can do better than that, Irene."
Archie: (drunk in cellar) Last will and tentacle.
Archie: This ain't something a man usually tells a woman: I love you, Edith.
Edith: I know that, Archie.
Archie: You mean I didn't have to say it?
"Black Is the Color of My True Love's Wig"
"The Taxi Caper"
"Archie Is Cursed"
Irene: Hello, Archie!
Archie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Irene: I bet that means, "Who needs her around on my day off?"
Edith: Archie didn't mean that... did you, Archie?
Archie: Don't ever argue with a guest, Edith.
(regarding women Olympic gold medalists)
Archie: Even the judges couldn't figure them out, they had to give them one of them her-mone tests... Found out that most of them had more his-mones than her-mones.
Mike: How long have you been believing in curses?
Archie: How long have you been living here?
Mike: Of course there is magic all the time. You even find magic in the Bible.
Archie: Oh, shut up! You atheist you! The Bible is filled miracles, no magic. God didn't fool around with no magic.
Mike: What about Sodom and Gomorrah? When Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt?
Archie: That's because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind.
A stunned Mike slams his head against the table.
"Edith's Christmas Story"
"Mike and Gloria Mix It Up"
Mike: For the last four weeks... and I think it's longer...
Gloria: Didn't you just say we have an equal partnership? Fifty-fifty?
Mike: Yeah. Everything is fifty-fifty. But I'm the fifty that should be heard from first!
Mike: Take the animal kingdom. The male is always in charge!
Gloria: Oh yeah? Did you ever hear of a "king" bee?
(Mike makes up a story about seeing another woman)
Mike: I'm telling you, it was beautiful. I don't know how to explain it, but there was instant communication between us.
Gloria: Oh, I can explain it. You talked, and she listened.
Mike: You kissed a perfect stranger on a street corner?
Gloria: Nope, right on the lips!
"Archie Feels Left Out"
"Et Tu, Archie"
Archie: In an energy crisis, there ain't no such thing as a nice man.
Mike: You talked to (George) like he was a dog. I thought you were going to pat him on the head and toss him a bone.
Archie: Well, if I did, at least he'd fetch it. You'd eat it.
Archie: Being happy is part of being crazy.
Mike: Retarded people have no more of a sex drive than anyone else.
Archie: Oh, yeah? Then why are you on automatic all the time?
George's Sign: "Every man is my superior, in that I may learn from him."
Louise: Don't give me that "woman" jazz!
George: Don't gimme that jazz, woman!
Archie: Mixed up. I bet I miss out on a lot of invitations this way
Archie: Jefferson, that invitation you sent by your wife. I think that was very white of you.
George: That's exactly the way I felt when I did it.
George: That (white) bartender is willing to work for me because if you've got enough green in your pocket, then black becomes his favorite color.
Mother Jefferson Who you callin' mammy.
Mother JeffersonWell dont you dare call me mammy i am nobody's mammy im his mother and if you have anything to say to me it is Mrs. Jefferson.
Archiegeeze Mrs. Jefferson.
Mother Jefferson(interupting) dont talk to me.
"Archie Eats and Runs"
(Mike is late for dinner)
Archie: We ain't waitin' for him. C'mon, get it on.
Gloria: We always wait for you.
Archie: That, little girl, happens to be because I'm the breadwinner in this house. Your husband is the crumb.
Mike: Do you realize that before 1968, there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972, there were nearly eight million cars recalled.
Archie: And do you realize that in 1974, who cares?
Archie: So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it, 100 to 1.
Mike: What is that? The New Math?
Mike: Yeah, yeah—what's the seventh number?
Gloria (who has a head cold) I gave you seven numbers.
Mike You gave me six numbers!! One of the numbers was a sneeze!!...What do you want me to do—do you see a "sneeze" on this dial?!
Patient in Sling: Doc, doc, doc... what about my arm?
Doctor: Hang onto it.
Archie: The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory.
Mike: How are you going to do that?
Archie: Haven't you ever heard of the olden days, the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went into the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself.
"Gloria Sings the Blues"
Mike: Arch, you're not giving the fish a fighting chance.
Archie: I don't wanna fight with the fish, I wanna catch them.
Edith: Castor Oil cheered you up?
Archie: It'd be "cheered up", or get another dose.
Mike: (to Gloria) You realize how many boring things I've got to do in a single day to drive me crazy? I've got to get up, I've gotta brush my teeth, I have to shave—and I hate to shave. There are days where I stand there debating with that mirror: Should I shave, or should I cut my throat? But I shave.
Archie: You know, it's too bad you always lose that argument.
Archie: Oh, that energy crisis. I wish you'd come up with one of those hot flashes of yours when we need it.
Archie: Look at this: Rip Van Meathead.
Archie: Do you ever watch your husband dress himself in the morning?
Archie: Did you know that he puts on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe, instead of a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?
Archie: What's the sense in asking you? You wear pantyhose.
Edith: You know, I think most marriages break up because people don't wait long enough to recognize each other again.
"Pay the Twenty Dollars"
Archie: I don't have to have my dinner the minute I walk in the door.
Mike: Since when?
Archie: I just thought that maybe you'd like to go over to my chair and sit and study over there.
Archie: Yeah! Hey, listen. I do my best thinking in that chair. When I'm in that chair, I don't know what's going on.
(referring to the stuffed goat head)
Edith: I don't think I'm going to like him looking at me with them big, sad eyes.
Archie: They aren't real eyes, Edith, them there are glass eyes.
Edith: That wasn't fair of Barney Hefner shooting a blind animal!
Mike: (to Gloria, about Archie) And he keeps saying the same thing to me every time I knock on the door. He says, "Don't knock, give it a Polack ring. So I say, "What's a Polack ring?" He says, "A dumb bell."