All in the Family/Season 5
All in the Family (1971–1979) was a groundbreaking television sitcom starring Carroll O'Connor as Archie Bunker and Jean Stapleton as Edith. Airing on the CBS television network, the show finished at number one in the Nielsen ratings for five consecutive years (1971–1976), a record it shared with The Cosby Show until American Idol passed it in the 2000s.
"The Bunkers and Inflation (Part 1)"
Archie: The country's got to produce more goods. Then we've got to have a little more unemployment. So when we have more goods to buy, and less people who can afford to buy the goods, then the prices will come down.
Mike: That is the stupidest damn thing you've ever said.
Gloria: Swearing's just the sign of a small mind.
Archie: Aw, shut the hell up.
Archie: Respect is for the dead. The living need dough.
Munson: (to Edith) Twenty-six years with Archie. You sure did some woman a big favor.
Edith: Mike, would you please pass these sandwiches around?
Archie: No, no, no. That's like asking the elephant to pass the peanuts.
George: (to Archie) I'm talking about your unions asking for higher wages. It's bad for the country.
Lionel: If it's bad for the country, how come you raised the prices in the cleaning store?
Archie: He done that?
Lionel: He did on the white clothes.
George: You know something, Lionel? You're the reason we never had a second child.
Archie: When a guy asks a girl to get married, that's the highest compliment he can pay.
Louise: And it's usually the last one, too.
"The Bunkers and Inflation (Part 2)"
Archie: (to Irene on the phone) Remember that song that had you in it?... That's right, good night, Irene!
Archie: If you were to come in here, fresh off of the street, applying for the job of my son-in-law, I wouldn't hire you.
Mike: And if I knew you came with the job, I wouldn't take it.
Archie: Edith, you done good! Your heart was in the right place. But your brain was out to lunch.
"Edith the Job Hunter"
Edith: You don't think this dress looks too revealing? I don't think I should look too sexy.
Mike: Don't worry Ma, you never do.
Archie: If a woman don't have no experience, then she should stick to unskilled labor, like being a wife.
Edith: But that don't pay nothing.
Archie: But it ain't supposed to pay nothing, Edith. You're supposed to be satisfied with the, what do you call it, unseen rewards.
Edith: How would you like an unseen dinner?
Archie: Edith, with you, a "surprise" could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.
(Mike gets a part-time job)
Archie: Between $20 and $25 a week? And you've got the nerve... to eat cake?
Archie: DING-DONG, Edith, Ding-Dong!
Archie: Anyways, (a bald spot) is a sign of brains. You know the old saying, "Grass don't grow on a busy street"?
Edith: And it don't grow in cement, neither.
"Lionel the Live-in"
Mike: Hey Arch, will you hold it down? Gloria and I are trying to sleep!
Archie: It's the only thing you ain't tried in that room yet!
George: I don't want no daughter-in-law who's a zebra.
Louise: Why not? She don't mind a father-in-law who's a jack-ass!
Edith: Good morning, Louise... Heeeeere's Lionel!
Archie: Who the hell are you now, Fred McMahon?
Louise: Edith, you're a doll. How did we find neighbors like you?
Archie: You moved out of Harlem.
Lionel: Can I call you "Uncle Archie"?
Archie: Well, I'll tell ya, Lionel... I think it's against the law.
George: Don't worry, we can start all over again... you can give me another boy.
Louise: You better call Parcel Post... 'cause I've stopped making deliveries!
Louise: And you know what happens to blacks with no education, and looking for a job. They are last on the list.
George: No they ain't, the Puerto Ricans are last.
Archie: He's right Louise, the Puerto Ricans are last. Only they don't know it because they can't read the list.
"Archie's Helping Hand"
Gloria: Oh ma, you'll never change. Whatever daddy wants, daddy gets.
Edith: Not always.
Gloria: Just tell me once when he didn't get his way, just once.
Edith: When he wanted a boy.
Archie: Why don't you do what all the men do with their bright ideas? They drop them in the suggestion box.
Irene: Oh, good. Where is the suggestion box?
Archie: You know where the mens' toilet is?
Archie: There's three of 'em in there.
Archie: (disputing Irene's claims about equal pay) In the Bible, it says God made man in His own image. And he made women after, from a rib—cheaper cut.
Archie: Let me tell you this: Equality is unfair!
"Archie Is Missing"
"The Longest Kiss"
"Archie and the Miracle"
Archie: God has one of them voices that you never, ever forget... You know, like Bing Crosby.
Archie: It makes a man stop and think when he's just been the victim of a miracle.
Mike: Arch, did you ever stop to think... When that crate dropped, maybe God was out to get you, and missed?
Edith: Have you got your dollar for the collection plate?
Archie: Yeah, got it right over here in my wallet. Geez, a dollar a week in that plate from now on. Comes to what? Nearly fifty bucks a year.
Edith: Archie, you said yourself you was paying back the Lord for saving your life.
Mike: Ten cents would've covered that.
Mike: I tried fixing that toilet again, I can't do it. Maybe we'll just have to get another one.
Gloria: Yeah. Two heads are better than one.
Archie: Fightin' that copper ball takes all the fun out of going to the toilet!
"George and Archie Make a Deal"
Edith: Archie, are you sure Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration Of Independence?
Archie: Sure, four score and seven years ago.
Mike: Racial balance is important in everything. Take education: Why do you think it's so tough for a black student to become a doctor?
Archie: Because nobody wants to see a black guy coming at them with a knife.
Archie: (to Edith) Don't be singing, the neighbors will think I'm killing ya here.
Mr. Scanlan: A BTU, Mrs. Bunker, means British thermal units.
Archie: Yeah. I think we traded some destroyers for them.
George: By the time they finish here this house is going to look like a four-room car wash.
Mr. Scanlan: Now, we have a contract, Mr. Bunker—
Gloria: Signed under duress.
Archie: Yeah, without knowing I was under the dress.
George: Ain't there some law against taking advantage of the simple-minded?
Archie: Well, is there? Because if there ain't, there oughta be!
"Prisoner in the House"
"The Jeffersons Move Up"
George: And here we have the living area, where we does our living. And here we have the dining area, where we does our dining. And through this door is the kitchen area—
Louise: Where we does our kitchening.
Mr. Bentley: Take a walk on the small of my back, would you?
George: Say what?
Louise: Well, you wanted to move up to the East Side. Take a walk!
Louise: Lionel, you better go to your room. I don't want you to get hit by your father.
Lionel: Why is he going to hit me?
Louise: Because I'm not sure where I'm going to throw him!
"Everybody Does It"
"Archie and the Quiz"
Archie: I'll probably live long enough to see them put a man on Mars.
Mike: What if they do that next year?
Archie: What I won't live long enough to see is a Meathead on a payroll.
Archie: I'm married. They give me five years for having Edith. Thought they'd dock me for that.
Mike: "Deduct three years for wealthy or poor."
Archie: Wealthy or poor? What the hell else is there?
Gloria: Middle-class, which is what we are.
Mike: Well, actually, we're lower-middle class.
Archie: As I remember it, we was "upper" until you joined the family.
Archie: If you keep minusing, I'll be dead in 1965!
Archie: Give me plus-four!
Gloria: Minus, daddy.
Archie: If you don't let me win a few, you're going to be minus daddy!
(referring to Archie)
Edith: He'll listen to you. Deep down, he respects you.
Mike: I hate to dive that deep.
Edith: My mother always said, if God had intended people to smoke, He would have put chimneys on their heads.
Mike: So what are you saying? Cigar smoking is an inalienable right?
Archie: It's for the aliens, it's for the native born...
Mike: I'm not used to sleeping on this side of the bed!
Archie: Well, when I sleep with Edith, my wife, I sleep on this side of the bed.
Mike: Well, when I sleep with Gloria, I sleep on that side of the bed.
Archie: But you are sleeping now with the guy that OWNS the bed!
Archie: Are you telling me that your sinus is draining in this bed? You mean that I'm sleeping with a guy with a leak?