Oh, yeah! The Stif-meister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls, bye-bye Great Falls, wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Jim, can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
[Grabbing his crotch] Shake this!
[Thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony] That's it, bathe the Stifmeister. Ohhh, Ohhhh that's GREAT! How'd you get it so warm? Oh, I can taste the bubbles! Actually, I can't.
When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?
Tantric, what the fuck is Tantric?
[When walking past a girl in a short skirt before a lecture] Ooh! There's little hearts on her panties! There's little hearts on her panties!
Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.
[answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stif-meister's palace of love--uh, straight love.
Where are the fucking females?
Oh God, I kissed Jim.
[after Finch describes watering a ficus as a "pure tantric moment"] Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jizz-free ficus.
[Two uniformed police officers break up Stifler's house party.]
Officer: Where's Steve Stifler?
[Stifler enters from the balcony incident, wet and looking distraught]
Stifler: I got peed on.
[Jim is on the roof with his hand in his pants looking at the paint truck but can't get to the paint thinner. A local sheriff's deputy pulls up, chirps his siren, and gets out of his vehicle.]
Deputy: Hands where we can see 'em! [Jim raises his left hand with the porn tape glued to it] Both hands! Get the other hand up, goddamn it!
Jim: I can't! I'm glued! I'm glued. Sorry.
[Two uniformed police officers are walking up to Stifler's house to break up his party.]
Officer 1: This is the Stifler house, isn't it? You ever see Mrs. Stifler?
Officer 2: Jeez, what a MILF.
[Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia]
Jim's Dad: Ah, yes, the one that got away.
Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet. Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a PTA meeting.
Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.
Finch: Rump roast...
Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia!
Jim: Ah, yes, you would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch and then ditched me after prom.
Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?
Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!
Male EMT: Okay sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
Stifler: [Giving Jim the thumbs-up as the ambulance drives away] Ha-ha! This summer's turned out to be great!
Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.
Jim: Thanks, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.
Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggle-berries this morning?
Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint-by-numbers.
Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know whose dick needs an instruction manual.
Trumpet Kid: Are you a guest? Guests belong in the auditorium, you can't be here!
Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?
Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came, and then the bear had to be destroyed, which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.
Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.
Jim: Was I any good that night?
Michelle: Oh, Jeez, how could I forget? [pregnant pause] You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doin'. But wasn't it fun, even though you were so terrible?
Jim: I-I'm sorry, "terrible?"
Michelle: I've had worse.
Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just, ah, I could give you some pointers, if you want.
Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?
Jim: I want to feel your boobs.
Michelle: No, you dingbat! You don't just go groping away! You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey!
[Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]
Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.
Jim: Holy shit, really?
Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.
Jim: This is good, this is good. [looks down at his erect penis] Obviously.
Michelle: Oh! Uh, Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell!
Jim: Uh, what?
Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower!
Michelle: Now don't freak out. I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.
[loud thumping/sucking noise]
Jim: Ow, that's cold. What is that?
Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?
Stifler: Holy shit dude, I found a dildo! [Stifler runs round the house] Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Big blue rubber dicks for everyone! The people demand rubber dicks!
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts!
[hands Jim the dildo]
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass.
[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]
Jim: Which room, man? Which room?
Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold!
[The two "lesbians" are making the guys play with each other, in exchange for the girls playing with each other. Jim and Stifler give each other a split-second long peck on the lips.]
Jim: That counted!
Stifler: That totally counted!
Danielle: That's the way you kiss your mother.
Stifler: [angry whisper to Finch] Don't you say anything!
[the girls request handjobs: Jim and Finch doing Stifler]
Stifler: It's okay, it's okay. I know what I have to do.
[starts undoing his shorts]
Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
[Finch and Jim run away]
Jim: Mother of God!
[Stifler runs after them, zipping up his shorts]
Stifler: Come on you pussies, we had 'em!
Finch: I am not touching that!
Jim: Put that thing away Stifler!
Stifler: Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing!
[Jim and Stifler have finished kissing and both nearly throw up]
Stifler: Dude, you're a fucking lousy kisser.
Jim: I wasn't trying! That's not fair! (to girls) I wasn't trying there. I'm really bett...
Danielle: No judgment.
Jim: Wait a second. You were trying?!
Jim: You were trying?!
Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh God! I kissed Jim!
Jim: What are you doing here?
Stifler's Brother: Pussy, man! I'm here for the pussy.
Jim: [nonchalant] Take a number.
Heather: [Having phone sex with Oz] Oz, what should I do now?
Stifler: [Listening in] Oh, Heather, baby, why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's?
Oz: Stifler, get off!
Stifler: I am getting off, listening to the two of you! Keep going!
Michelle's Friend: You are so sweet. He is special.
Michelle: He's my bitch.
Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.
Jim: I'm not retarded. I'm a very special boy. [Jim uses the slide of the trombone to hit the kid in the face.]
Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stif-meister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby!
Oz: Here's a new idea for you, Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other: you just laugh at the people who do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you: I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.
Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.
Jim: [Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz] Amazing.
Stifler: Yes. The force is strong in that one.
Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really, really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You--you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I am a band geek. I just never joined the band.
Sherman: Life's a bitch, isn't it? [No response from Nadia] It's all right. You don't have to say anything. I'm used to girls ignoring me...or making fun of me. "Come on, Sherman. Be the Sherminator."
Nadia: [laughs a little] Like the movie. How clever.
Sherman: I get it, okay? Maybe I am a geek. Whatever.
Nadia: [finding her geek] Yes. You are.
Sherman: All right. I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex-Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.
Nadia: I am lucky lady?
Sherman: That's right Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.
Nadia: [playing along] Oh, no. Help. [Nadia and Sherman go upstairs as Stifler and Jessica look in disbelief] Fuck me, geek!
Sherman: [pulled into bedroom] Affirmative!
Stifler and Jessica: No fucking way!
[They look at each other thinking maybe, but...]
Jessica: Forget it.
Stifler: Like you have a chance.
[Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up]
Stifler: Brilliant. You found lesbians. Good luck trying to break through that force field.
Amber: We never said that.
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: Oh, oh, man. I will do anything, anything to sleep with you chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it, even! I'll even shave some ass if they need it! Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!
[Finch and Stifler's Mom are having sex in her car]
Stifler's Mom: Oh, Finchy, I missed you.
Finch: Oh, Janine, Janine.
Stifler's Mom: Call me "Stifler's Mom".
Finch: Oh-AH! [We hear him having a violent orgasm, setting off the car alarm]Ah! Stifler's Mo-o-o-o-o-m!!
Lady: Son couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?
Jim's Dad: Excuse me?
Lady: Well that kind of material is offensive to me.
Jim's Dad: Oh well, we're sorry but you see my son couldn't leave it at home cos he's having a bit of a medical emergency.
Jim: It's ok Dad.
Jim's Dad: Your opinion in his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady, it's a the bottem of the totempole.(Pause) My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Cos you don't have a penis, or maybe you do.
Jim's Dad: Sorry it just bugs me when people speak before they think. How're you doing son?
Jim: I've been better.
[Stifler is approached by two High School kids]
Kid 1: Hey are you Steve Stifler?
Stifler: Yes I am.
Kid 1: Well thank you for throwing this awsome party man.
Kid 2: Yeah the cops bust all our parties now.
Stifler: Well I put the word out so High School chicks would come. Just cos you fuckers don't have dicks doesn't make it right for you to be here.
Kid 2: Can I ask you a question?
Stifler: Sure son.
Kid 2: Is it true that Paul Finch nailed your mom?
Stifler: Sons of bitches.
Kid: Red leader what is your position?
Stifler: I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass, I'm touching his ass!