Jump to navigation Jump to search
American Wedding is a 2003 film, the third film in the American Pie series, which deals with the wedding of Jim and Michelle and the gathering of their families and friends, including Jim's old friends from high school and Michelle's little sister Cadence.
- Directed by Jesse Dylan. Written by Adam Herz
This time they're going all the way.
- No, no, no, shit-head, you hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds? Not to mention that you passed on Nadia, dumbest fucking thing ever. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.
- It's on like Donkey Kong, biotch.
- My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls. Hey Finch, you want this for here or to go?
- Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand? [Hits Finch in the groin] Bangkok!
- Well, polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.
- If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.
- Gee, thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker.
- "Congratulation, Jism!"
- Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth! What happened to my invite? Get lost in the mail, Fuckface?
- Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.
- It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and I'm gonna rock out with my cock out.
- Everyone wants a piece of the Stifmeister.
- Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers. Well, you know what? Im-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like oh so good. And I'm gonna' be like "You like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!"
- Fine. Adios!
- Hey, flower-fuckers, you there?!
- Save it, dickhead, I'm working.
- This sucks! [Kevin & Finch look at him] Did I say that out loud? [Whispers to Jim] Keep going, man. It's good.
- Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my ass" do you not under-fucking-stand?!
- Suck my dick. Ron Jeremy
- Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar
- Fuck you Finch, you didn't eat shit OK, you didn't prance around here like a ballerina for the whole week. (Cadence appears) Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers aren't we? Well, you know what? I'm-a gonna get laid Finch-fucker and it's going to be like "oh so good". It's gonna' be like "Do you like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!" Like... [sucking noise] Moo (Not amused Cadence)[sucking noise] Moo. [sucking noise] Moo. (Looks at Cadence) You been here long?
- Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. This is huge; it's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.
- Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.
- Jim, I had trouble finding the words to tell you how I feel. And I realized something. Love isn't just a feeling. Love is something you do. It's a dress, a visit to band camp. A special haircut. Jim, you've given me everything I ever wanted, and it is my solemn vow to give everything I am to you.
- Hey I'm gonna give you a little piece of advice: love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!
- Voltaire can suck on my balls!
- Oh, Stifler's Mom!
- I did fuck your Mom... Twice!
- Jim's Dad: Son, step away from the animal...
- Kevin Myers: Guys, here's to the next step!
- Paul Finch: Would you please shut up with that stepping?! Put your glass down!
- Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite or something?
- Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.
- Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
- Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
- Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
- Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
- Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
- Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
- Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.
- Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.
- Stifler: They're gay?
- Finch: No, you bleeding imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.
- Stifler: So, they're gay.
- Michelle: [about Stifler] Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.
- Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
- Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.
- Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.
- Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.
- Stifler: Observe the fucking Stif-meister. What is his defining characteristic?
- Jim: He uses the F-word excessively.
- Stifler: Thanks, man. But I also have confidence. You're one big floppy cock!
- Cadence: So, can I see the ring?
- Stifler: Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.
- Cadence: Okay, Frodo.
- Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?
- Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?
- Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.
- Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...
- Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.
- Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.
- Jim: If you were a college guy.
- Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.
- Michelle: How did a little perv like you turn into such a great guy?
- Jim: How did a little nympho like you turn into such a great girl?
- Michelle: I'm still a nympho.
- Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.
- "Stifler": It's on like Donkey Kong biatch.
- Paul Finch: Grandmother fucker.
- Steve Stifler: You're a motherfucker.
- Paul Finch: [smiling] Yes, I am!
- Steve Stifler: You son of a bitch.
- Stifler: So, you upset about me and Cadence?
- Finch: Well, let's see. She wasn't into the heavy intellectual stuff; she actually enjoyed me being that imbecile. I don't know, I suppose she's better with you.
- Stifler: [pats Finch on the back and smiles] Thanks shit-break. [pauses and scowls] Dick. I fucking hate not hating you.
- Finch: [grins] I did fuck your Mom...twice.
- Stifler: That's better, fucker.
- Stifler's Mom: If this is your idea of a proposal... Finchy, you've got to know I'm over you now.
- Finch: Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris.
- Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.
- Finch: And the car.
- Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs...
- Jim: [following Michelle accepting his proposal] I am the happiest man in the world. [His pants fall down to reveal a huge hard-on.]
- Jim's Dad: Well, we should all be so happy.
- [Kevin and Finch open the linen cupboard door where Stifler thinks he's having sex with Cadence.]
- Finch: Urgh! Stifler, Granny!
- Stifler: Granny?
- [Jim's Grandmother appears, naked.]
- Jim's Grandmother: Focus, FOCUS!!!
- Stifler: Ughhh, it's not what it looks like! Shut the fucking door!
- Finch: You got it, champ.
- [Finch and Kevin immediately shuts the door. Stifler is disgusted over the realization that he had just fucked Jim's grandmother and not Cadence]
- [At the wedding, Finch and Stifler exchange words as Jim's grandmother is much kinder and polite.]
- Finch: Grandmother-fucker.
- Stifler: Yeah, well you're a motherfucker.
- Finch: Yes, I am.
- Stifler: Oh you son of a bitch.
- This time they're going all the way.
- Forever hold your piece.
- Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
- Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
- Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty
- Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch
- Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
- January Jones - Cadence Flaherty
- Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad