Dean Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Greg: That would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical schoolcadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Greg: You're talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Wormer: Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!!! This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks off campus.
Greg: What do you intend to do sir? Delta's already on probation.
Dean Wormer: They are?
Greg: Yes, sir.
Dean Wormer: Oh. Then as of this moment, they're on double secret probation!
Greg: Double secret probation, sir?
Dean Wormer: There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency. Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter. You live next door. Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit, just like you, right? [Greg nods] The time has come for someone to put their foot down. And that foot is me.
Boon: Where are you going? We just got here.
Katy: No, Boon, you just got here. I've been downstairs for an hour entertaining a boy from Pig's Knuckle, Arkansas.
Boon: Umm - maybe we could drive up to your folks' place this weekend.
Katy: Oh, fabulous. My car filled with your beer buddies going up to empty my parents' liquor cabinet. It's too depressing to think about.
Boon: No! Just gonna be you and me. And Otter and another girl.
Katy: Is this really what you're gonna do for the rest of your life?
Boon: What do you mean?
Katy: I mean hanging around with a bunch of animals getting drunk every weekend.
Boon: No! After I graduate, I'm gonna get drunk every night.
Katy: Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard.
Boon: Is he bigger than me?
[Flounder has just fired a blank cartridge into the air, causing Neidermeyer's horse to drop dead.]
Hoover: Don't screw around, they're serious this time!
Otter: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.
Boon: I thought you were pre-med.
Otter: What's the difference? Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests—we did. [winks at Dean Wormer] But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg: isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
[Leads the Deltas out of the hearing, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]
Dean Wormer: You're not walking out of this one, mister! You're finished! No more Delta! You've bought it this time, buster! I'm calling your national office! I'm going to revoke your charter! And if you wise guys try one more thing, one more, I'm going to kick you out of college! NO MORE FUN OF ANY KIND!!
[Pinto looks down and sees Clorette passed out on Hoover's bed nude. He then sees his good and evil conscience perched on either shoulder.]
Pinto's Conscience (Devil): Fuck her! Fuck her brains out! Suck her tits. Squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.
Pinto's Conscience (Angel): For Shame! Lawrence! I'm surprised at you.
Pinto's Conscience (Devil): Ah! Don't listen to that Jackoff. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
Pinto's Conscience (Angel): If you lay one hand on poor sweet, helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever.
[Pinto then covers Clorette up.]
Pinto's Conscience (Angel): I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
Pinto's Conscience (Devil): You Homo!
D-Day: Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.
Otter: Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up. You trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.
Flounder: [crying] That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Fred?!
Otter: I'll tell you what. I'll swear you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but, you parked it out back last night and this morning, it was gone. D-Day takes care of the wreck. We report it to the police. Your brother's insurance company buys him a new car.
Flounder: Will that work?
Otter: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.
Bluto: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Bluto gives Flounder a six-pack.
Otter: You better listen to him, Flounder. He's in pre-med.
Otter and Bluto shake hands.
D-Day: There you go now, just leave everything to me.
[D-Day fires up his blow-torch and laughs.]
Dean Wormer: Where are the other two—Stratton and Schoenstein?
Hoover: We can't find them, sir. We looked everywhere, but—
Dean Wormer: Never mind. Did you boys see your midterm grades yet?
Hoover: They're not posted yet, sir.
Dean Wormer: I've seen them. Mr. Kroger, two C's, two D's and an F—that's a 1.2 grade point average. Congratulations, Kroger, you're at the top of the Delta pledge class.
[Bluto gives Kroger a congratulatory nudge]
Dean Wormer: Mr. Dorfman.
Dean Wormer: 0.2. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House—1.6. Four C's and an F. A fine example you set. Daniel Simpson Day has no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu— [looks up to see that Bluto has stuck pencils up his nose] Mr. Blutarsky. [with heavy emphasis] Zero. Point. Zero.[Bluto shrugs.] Now I want you to tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein exactly what I'm about to tell you right now.
Hoover: And what's that, sir?
Dean Wormer: You're out! Finished at Faber! EXPELLED!!! I want you off this campus at 9:00 Monday morning! And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I have notified your local draft boards and told them that you are now all, all eligible for military service.
[Flounder's mouth flutters]
Dean Wormer: Well? [Flounder opens his mouth a bit] Well? [Flounder opens his mouth some more] OUT with it!
[Flounder vomits on Dean Wormer]
Bluto: Christ! Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps!
Pinto: My mother's gonna kill me.
Hoover: I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
Flounder: Can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.
Boon: [puts his arm around Flounder] Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.
[D-Day walks in, supporting an injured Otter.]
D-Day: Move. Move it.
[Boon walks over and helps D-Day support Otter.]
Boon: I got ya. I got ya.
[Otter moans as he, Boon, and D-Day sit on the couch.]
Boon: Jesus Christ! What happened? You look grotesque.
Otter: Well, some of the Omegas did a little dance on my face.
Bluto: Who was it?
Otter: Uh, it was Greggy and Dougy and some of the other Hitler youth.
Boon: Why? What ya do?
Otter: I don't know. They're just animals, I guess. [Otter looks around.] Looks like I missed something.
Boon: Yeah, you did. We're all officially kicked out of school. Wormer just got our grades.
Otter: They kicked us out of school? Huh?! That makes sense.
Bluto: [standing up] HEY!! What's this lying around shit?!
Stork: Well, what the hell we s'posed to do, you moron?!
D-Day: War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Boon: Forget it. He's rolling.
Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough . . . the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go! C'mon! [He runs out of the room screaming but then returns.] What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh?! This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst! "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well, JUST KISS MY ASS FROM NOW ON!!! Not me! I'm not gonna take this! Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, DEAD! Niedermeyer—
Otter: Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. [Otter stands up.] We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could fight 'em with conventional weapons. That could take years and cost millions of lives. Oh no. No, in this case, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.
Bluto: And we're just the guys to do it.
[Boon and D-Day stand.]
Boon: Let's do it.
Bluto: Let's do it!
[Everybody cheers and starts running out of the room, with Bluto still standing there.]
Bluto: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
[Bluto runs out with them.]
Pinto: Before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done this before.
Clorette De Pasto: You've never made out with a girl before?
Pinto: No. No, I mean, I've never done what I think we're gonna do in a minute. I sort of did once, but I was drunk...
Clorette De Pasto: That's okay, Larry. Neither have I. It's my first time too. And besides, I lied to you, too.