Archer (season 8)
The following is a list of quotes from the eighth season Archer Dreamland.
Archer Dreamland: No Good Deed [8.01]
[edit]- Lana: What sort of daily expenses does a semi-private investigator incur?
- Archer: Bullets?
- Lana: Daily.
- Archer: Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner at the Polo Lounge?
- Lana: Uh-huh?
- Archer: And then maybe a room upstairs at the Beverly Hills hotel?
- Lana: Uh-huh.
- Archer: And then, maybe...
- Lana: I'm gonna leave you here. Between hope and despair.
- Pam: Everything is my business.
- Archer: Oh, including white slavery?
- Pam: What?
- Archer: Those girls are tied up, asshole.
- Pam: No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
- Archer: Yeah, so...
- Pam: Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
- Archer: [gasps in disbelief] Uh, I don't know, racist!
- Pam: White slavery is just as racist!
- Archer: WHAT??
- Pam: Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
- Archer: Jesus Christ!
- Pam: -and then white slavery then that's-
- Archer: SEXUAL slavery, then.
- Pam: Okayyyy!
- Archer: Goddammit.
- Pam: My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.
- Poovey: I don't know what the hell you're going to do.
- Archer: Well, that makes two of us!
Archer Dreamland: Berenice [8.02]
[edit]- Archer: Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
- Cheryl: Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
- Archer: No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.
- Cheryl: I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.
- Cheryl: Oh my God, you have a crush on her!
- Archer: What?! No I don't, I...
- Cheryl: Yes you do! That was the cutest thing! And I think SHE has a crush on YOU.
- Archer: No, she...wait, really?
- Cheryl: Absolutely!
- Archer: Why - why - why do you think that? Did she --
- Cheryl: Just admit that you like her!
- Archer: Well, yeah, of course I --
- Cheryl: [yells to room] Hey! Yeah! Me and him, we just f*****d!!
Archer Dreamland: Jane Doe [8.03]
[edit]- Archer: I realize that a segregated service is just crazy, especially given what we were fighting for over there, but -
- Cliff: Oh now you got a "but."
- Archer: ...if you think about it, the most racist thing would be, if, whenever there was a war, we only sent negroes.
- Floyd: WOW.
- Verl: Words fail me.
- Archer: Look, I know you cops have to check your weapons up front, and there's five of us and only one of you, so...
- Pam: So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I'm gradually goin' to get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.
Archer Dreamland: Ladyfingers [8.04]
[edit]- Archer: I really wish we hadn't have done that.
- Poovey: I can never unsee him naked.
- Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.
- Poovey: Hollow that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.
- Cecil: I'm afraid I'm going to ask for proof that you actually have Charlotte.
- Archer: What kind of -- wait. Oh no.
- Cecil: Yes, I'm afraid I require...a finger.
- Archer: Uh, I could bring you her! Just drive by the house, she could wave to you.
- Cecil: Ummmm, nope.
- Archer: I...that's...then how 'bout a photo of her holding today's newspaper?
- Cecil: Ummmm, well now that could work!
- Archer: Yeah!
- Cecil: Just make sure that she's holding the newspaper with nine fingers.
- Archer: Ugh, goddammit.
Archer Dreamland: Sleepers Wake [8.05]
[edit]- Cyril/Figgis: As the Lord our God Himself is my witness, upon the conclusion of my current business, I shall return to this place, and visit upon you an apocalypse of such terror and destruction that you will rue, RUE, the very fact of your miserable birth!!
- Coroner: [munches on hot dog] I'll be here!
- Charlotte/Cheryl: You're not planning to blindfold me and hide me in a bomb shelter with limited oxygen and send my family cryptic notes about how to find me in a race against time for my life?
- Mother/Malory: Who are you, collective pseudonym Carolyn Keene?
- Charlotte/Cheryl: What?
- Mother/Malory: Who would go through all that trouble?
- Charlotte/Cheryl: Johann Schmidt, a.k.a The Red Skull in my Nazi kidnap/rape fantasy.
- Mother/Malory: Ewwww.
You say that with the confidence of a man who has a lot longer to live. Len Traxler
Are you kidding? Dreamland has a whole goddamn Nazi robot farm in the basement. In THIS economy!
Dutch Dylan/Barry
Archer Dreamland: Waxing Gibbious [8.06]
[edit]Oh, Come on, white? divorced?, cop? Access to a firearm? Cuckold? Statistically, you're already dead.
Pam Poovey
Archer Dreamland: Gramercy, Halberd! [8.07]
[edit]- Trexler: Get me out of here alive, and the ransom money and we'll call it even, =
- Archer: Okay, you know what? [swerves] Laugh it up, laughers. Since you like jokes so goddamn much... [swerves and throws Dutch off his motorcycle] Hahahaha. Oh hey, did you hear the one about - [drives car over Dutch]
- Everyone: Oh my God.
- Lana: Archer, wait!
- Archer: Or the one about - [drives car over Dutch again]
- Lana: Archer!
- Archer: Or here's one! Knock knock? [drives car over Dutch again]
- Archer: Typical! Typical typical typical typical!
- Lana: What could possibly have been typical about that?!
- Archer: ME! I always do shit like this.
- Poovey: Like what?
- Archer: All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse, and the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole, and I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses and trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by GODDAMN ROBOTS!! I mean, [beep] halberts, Jesus Christ!!
Archer Dreamland: Auflösung [8.08]
[edit]- Krieger: You're better than this! You don't have to be a killer. You can use your powers for the good of all mankind!
- Dutch/Barry: Yeah, I could, but I was a murderer before you turned me into a freak so I don't know why you thought this was gonna have a happy ending.
- Lana: Hurry up!
- Poovey: Jesus! You people would stand in a bread line and ask for toast.
- Charlotte: Wait, there's toast?
- Mother: WHY would there be toast!?!
- Charlotte: Why WOULDN'T there be?