Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

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Auf Wiedersehen, Pet (1983–2004) is a popular British comedy-drama series about a group of seven British migrant construction workers: Wayne, Dennis, Oz, Bomber, Barry, Neville and Moxey, who are living and working on a German building site.

Series 1[edit]

If I Were a Carpenter [edit]

[Opening words]

Neville: [Voiceover as he writes a postcard on the ferry to Holland] "Dearest Brenda, we are now at sea. I stood on deck and watched the coast of England disappear into the distant mist. Who knows what lies ahead? A better future for us, that is my fervent hope. Well, there's no more room for anything else, except to say I love you and miss you; Your Neville."

[On the ferry, Dennis and Oz are at the bar, while Neville is sat down, looking seasick]

Dennis: [To Neville] Oi, Nev! D'yer not want a drink? [Neville shakes his head] Or d'ya want some crisps? We got Scotch eggs! [He laughs]
Oz: I don't think he's found his sea legs yet, Dennis, eh?
Dennis: Yeh, well, he's missing their Brenda, yer kna, they do at that age.
Oz: Oh aye? Right, cheers, Den! [They drink] He could be having second thoughts, yer know aboot the...
Dennis: Oh, I said to him a week ago man, so I says to him, I said, "Listen", I said, "If you want that posh house on that new estate, it's the only way yer ganna get it, without lining the tax man's pockets for once, yer kna!"
Oz: Well yer kna what they say. Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common.
Dennis: What's that?
Oz: They can all shove their bills up their arse!

[Arriving at Hook of Holland, Oz's car is pulled aside at Customs]

Customs Officer: Customs. Do you have anything to declare?
Dennis: Er, no. Just the duty free. Scotch, cigarettes.
Customs Officer: Can you open the back, please?
Dennis: Yeah, erm, can you give us the keys, Oz?
Oz: It doesn't lock.
[Dennis gets out of the car and opens the boot. A female Customs officer checks their bags and pulls out a spirit level.]
Female Officer: What is this?
Dennis: It's a spirit level.
Female Officer: What's a spirit level?
Dennis: Well, I'll show you. [Takes the spirit level and places it up beside a wall.]
Customs Officer: What does it mean?
Dennis: The wall's not plumb!

[At the bar in Nijmegen railway station, Dennis, Oz and Neville fight through the crowds looking for an agent]

Dennis: There you go, Neville. Cream of the British workforce, eh? Gan get three beers. Heinekens. [Gives Neville some money and sends him to the bar]
Oz: Bloody hell, where's this lot from? Must have laid McAlpine's off!
[As they walk through the bar, a Brummie with a motorbike helmet approaches Dennis]
Barry: Hey, Dennis, innit?
Dennis: Oh. Aye.
Barry: Barry. Barry Taylor. Remember? We worked together.
Dennis: Oh! Well, aye! [They shake hands] How's things, then?
Barry: Oh, alright, you know. Was working back home on a... housing estate just outside Stafford, yeah. Bloke went bust.
Dennis: Did he?
Barry: So I came back here for the craic, like. Money, you know. Got to anyway, no choice is there?
Dennis: No, there's not. [Starts to walk off, but Oz clears his throat]
Barry: This your mate, is it?
Dennis: Er, that's Oz. Oz, Barry.
Oz: Alreet, pal? [Shakes Barry's hand]
Barry: Hello!
Dennis: We worked together once, yer kna.
Oz: Aye. Alreet?
Barry: Ah, another Geordie, right?
Oz: Aye, well there's nar graft up wor way.
Barry: Nor any place, is there? I blame Thatcherism, you know. Yeah, it's a misguided policy, you know, it's totally misguided and misconstrued. Mind you, the Labour Party's in such disarray I don't think the opposition offers much of an alternative or consolation, does it?
Oz: Naw, I was just saying the same(!)
Dennis: Where's the agent, Barry?
Barry: Oh, there's a bloke called Pfister over there, looks a bit like David Kossoff with the bifocals.
Dennis: What's the form? [While this conversation is going on, Neville is struggling to get served at the bar]
Barry: Well, it's in his manifest - Frankfurt's best for brickies; Mannheim's mainly chippies, plasterers; and they want some electricians at Mönchengladbach. I fancy that meself!
Dennis: What chance is Düsseldorf?
Barry: I'd get in there sharpish!
Dennis: Okay mate, cheers!
Oz: Ta-ra.
Barry: Ta-ra for a bit, see how you go! See you, mate. Ta-ra!

[Oz & Dennis meet Herr Pfister]

Dennis: Herr Pfister?
Pfister: Yes?
Dennis: D'yer need any brickies for Düsseldorf?
Pfister: [Checks his manifest] I have just the two only.
Dennis: Aww, yer couldn't make it three, chief? Could yer?
Pfister: Nein. For Düsseldorf, they want now only two bricklayers, also carpenters.
Dennis: Oh, we're alright then, 'cos this lad here's a carpenter. [Points to Neville]
Neville: [To Dennis] Dennis, I'm not...
Dennis: Just get the beers in, Neville, okay? We're your lads, Mr. Pfister.

[Over a beer...]

Neville: Dennis, man, I'm not a carpenter, man!
Dennis: Did yer take woodwork at school?
Neville: Well, yes, but I...
Dennis: Right, yer a carpenter!
Neville: I'll never get away with it.
Dennis: Look, we promised to stick together, didn't we, eh? Now what's your Brenda ganna think if she thought I'd left yer in Mönchengladbach or somewhere?
Oz: Well that's us man, the Three Musketeers, eh? One for all and sod the rest!
Neville: Aye, but we all have could have gone somewhere else as brickies!
Dennis No, man. Look, Dusseldorf's the best place, kid, right? It's got the old town there, it's got all the good bars, man.
Oz: Dennis reckons it's got the best brothel in Germany! Just think of the postcards you could send your lass. "Dearest Brenda, weather good. knocking shop fantastic!" [He and Dennis laugh.]
Neville: It's not funny!

[Leaving the bar, the lads start to make their way to Oz's car.]

Neville: Hey, why'd you have to give that German fella money anyway, Dennis?
Dennis: Well, he got us the job, man. See, that's like his backhander, yer kna.

[A young lad in a red jacket with raven black hair with blue streaks, his bags, a spirit level and a Cockney accent exits the railway station]

Wayne: Oy, oy! What's the word, then, eh?
Dennis: Eh? "What's the word then"?
Wayne: How's it going?
Dennis: All right. [They walk off, but the man follows them to the car.]
Wayne: You said you were off to, er, Düsseldorf, is that right?
Oz: Er... might be. [They open the car doors.]
Wayne: Got a car, then?
Dennis: Nah, only this.
Oz: Hey, hey!
Wayne: Hey, any chance of a lift, like?
Dennis: I'm afraid not, son. See, we've got all wor gear an' there's the three of us, like.
Wayne: Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Do the same for you sometime, right(?) [Walks off, annoyed.]
Oz: Spurs. You can tell, man.

[Crossing the border from Holland into West Germany]
Oz & Dennis: [Singing] Rule Britannia / Marmalade and jam / Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole / Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang!

[Oz's car finally packs in on the Autobahn just outside Düsseldorf. They're stranded on the hard shoulder...]

Oz: [Under the hood with Dennis] Turn it over, Nev. Give it another try. [Neville does so, but it's no good.]

[A lorry passes by, but slows down on approaching the lads. The Cockney they met in Nijmegen pops his head out of the window.]

Wayne: 'Ey, 'ey? What's the word then?
Dennis: Choked's as good a word as any!
Wayne: [Laughs at the lads' misfortune] I'd like to give you a lift, y'know, but there's, er, not enough room for the three of you!
Oz: Ho'way with yer, London. We'll manage!
Wayne: See you in church! [The lorry drives away]
Neville: [Gets out of the car and checks underneath] Bottom of the sump's dropped off!
Oz: What?
Neville: The sump, man! The oil's all run oot! Engine must have seized.
Dennis: Can it be fixed?
Neville: Nah. It's a new engine, that. [Frustrated, Neville gets the bags out of the car.]
Dennis: If we get this fixed in a German garage, will the insurance cover it?
Oz: I doubt it very much, it's not insured.
Dennis: It has to be insured, man, otherwise you couldn't've got the green card to get the car out of England.
Oz: Ah, well I cancelled the insurance when I got the green card to give us a bit of spendin' money for when I got 'ere, y'see.
Dennis: You were ganna drive all the way to Germany without insurance? What if we had a crash? Eh? What if we'd ended up in a German hospital? We're not on the German national health, yer kna!
Oz: Well, we didn't, did we?
Dennis: But we could've done! What if the engine had seized on the fast lane, eh? One of the them big juggernauts up our arse?
Oz: We've never been in the fast lane.
Dennis: Should never have left nowt to you! [Slams the driver door shut in frustration] I won't again. You're totally irresponsible, you, Oz! It has to be said!

[The lads finally arrive at the site. The Cockney, Wayne, is already hard at work and watches them as they arrive. The lads meet their boss, Herr Grunwald, at the site entrance...]

Dennis: Herr Grunwald?
Grunwald: Ja?
Dennis: Reporting for work, sir. [Hands papers to Grunwald] Patterson, Osbourne and Hope. Er, Herr Pfister signed us on - two brickies and a chippie. [Neville motions to Dennis] Er, unless you want another brickie.
Grunwald: Why?
Dennis: Er, well we know one if you do.
Grunwald: Nein. [Dennis looks at Neville as if to say "I tried"] It is not good, I think, to arrive so late.
Dennis: Yes, well sorry, sir. We had a bit of bother on the roads. [Glares at Oz] Look, can we just check in the hostel and we'll get back here smartish, eh?
Grunwald: The hostel is full. You will have to stay on the compound. [The lads look into the site]
Dennis: I thought we'd be in the hostel.
Grunwald: First served, first come. Put your things in your hut. [Walks away]
Oz: 'Hut'? What's he talkin' about, 'hut'?
Dennis: It's pro tem, man. Pro tem.

Oz: Oi, d'you lads come from roond here?
German Worker: [confused] "Roond here?"
Oz: Aye, d'ya live here in Düsseldorf?
German Worker: Düsseldorf, ja.
Oz: Aye, heard it's a canny place tho but.
German Worker: Bitte?
Oz: Not as bitter as where we come from!

Neville: Everything's a joke to you, isn'it, Oz? Just a permanent clown, you are.
Oz: Aye, well I'd sooner be a clown than a bloody misery like you! Yer like death warmed up, you are!
Neville: I'm not here 'cos I like it, Oz! Some of us have - like me and Dennis - we're only goin' through with this 'cos we've got a purpose.
Oz : Oh, I thought you just had a wife, I didn't realise you had a porpoise! What d'yer feed that on?

[Oz, Dennis, Neville, Wayne and Bomber get their pay packets]

Dennis: There ya go, Nev. That makes it all worthwhile, eh? First pay packet.
Bomber: And Bomber's last!
Pfister: What? You are leaving?
Bomber: And not soon enough, me ol' duck! Got a nice job lined up, I have. Bristol, new bypass. Good money, home every night and English ale. [Walks off]
Dennis: [Sotto voce to Neville] If, eh, they need a brickie, I'll steam in there Monday, all reet?
Neville: Great!

[Barry arrives at the site on his motorbike]

Wayne: Who's this then? Barry Sheene?
Barry: [Stops his bike in front of the three Geordies. Wayne also approaches] Hello again, Dennis!
Dennis: Alreet?
Barry: 'Ello, everybody!
Wayne: Oh yeah? Don't believe I've had the pleasure, son!
Barry: Ah, Barry! Barry Taylor. [Shakes Wayne's hand]
Dennis: Thought you'd, er, gone to Mönchengladbach.
Barry: Ah, I didn't like one bit, did I? Didn't like the place nor the site! [Looks around] This looks alright, though! It's got a sort of... better air, hasn't it? Need electricians, do they?
Wayne: El Capo's in the hut.
Barry: Ey, I'll chance me arm here then!
Neville: [Holding up his bandaged hand] I do that every day!

Bomber: Bomber's ready. Bomber's away!
Dennis: Aye Bomber. Unstoppable.

Oz: I'll tell you one thing, mate. Sex is in its infancy in Gateshead.

[Neville returns to the hut after playing a game of football against the Turkish workers]

Neville: Turkey 2 - England 3!
Bomber: [In bed after a night at a brothel] Oh aye?
Neville: I thought you were goin' home today, Bomber. Shouldn't you be at the station by now?
Bomber: Should be, yes.
Neville: Better get yer skates on, haven't ya?
Bomber: Not going now. No point.
Neville: What?
Bomber: No money.
Neville: Ay, you're joking! You said you had nearly £900 to take home!
Bomber: I had it. Now I haven't.
Neville: Well, how many girls did you have?
Bomber: I went out afterwards with some of the Brits. Poker was my downfall. I was feeling lucky. I reckon the Williams Schnapps affected Bomber's judgment.
Neville: Awww. That's tragic! What'll ya tell the wife?
Bomber: Well I knows exactly what she'll say. That's why Bomber's staying. [Neville looks somewhat disappointed] Not the first time, boy. Daft as a brush, that's always been Bomber's problem. I get up and goes to work every week, hands it over to the wife, pays for the house, new clothes for the kids. Don't leave much for yourself, like. Suddenly you gets a great wad of spending money in your fist. Throws you off, don't it? It's a great feeling to be able to buy drinks for your friends, even strangers.
Neville: So... what are you gonna do now?
Bomber: [Gets out of bed] As much overtime as I can crack! It's the straight and narrow from now on for Bomber!

[Neville returns to the hut after a wild night out after what he intended to be his last day on the site. He is somewhat dishevelled and very hungover]
Dennis: Look at the state of you! Where ya been?
Neville: Loads of places. Can't remember in what order.
Dennis: Well, where did ya wake up?
Neville: Railway station. On a bench
Dennis: It's a pity you didn't have your stuff with ya, yer could've hopped straight on the train.
Oz: Ay, where's Bomber?
Neville: I dunno, I think he went to the brothel.
Dennis: Well, you didn't, like?
Neville: Certainly not!
Dennis: Well, howay then, get yer gear together, and I'll get yer straight down the station.
Neville: Nah, I'm not going.
Dennis: What?
Neville: I'm not going!
Dennis: Let me guess why, you lost all your money, haven't yer, eh? You've blown it all on booze and gambling haven't yer, just like Bomber! Haven't yer?
Neville: I dunno how I ended up, man. (Stands up and takes several bank notes out of his pockets) I divna understand this German money.
Oz: Look at that lot!
Neville: What, did I win?
Dennis: Did ya win? You're rich, bonny lad! [Oz and Dennis sort through the money]
Oz: Well, comfortably well off anyway. Ere, we'll charter a 747 with this, we can have him home for his tea!
Neville: I can't go home. Ever. (Starts to open his shirt)
Dennis: Why not? Look, so you didn't stick it out, but you're going home with a wadful of money. Got nothing to be ashamed of, has he?
Oz: Oh, na!
Neville: Haven't I? How can I go home with this? (Shows a tattoo on his right arm - it's a pair of love hearts with the names "Neville" and "Lotte" on it)
Oz: Who's Lotte?
Neville: I can't remember!

Who Won the War Anyway?[edit]

Ulrich: Danke schon.
Oz: And donkey shite to you too, pal.

[In the hut, Barry is ironing]

Bomber: Goin' out, Barry?
Barry: No. None of us is. So we'd better vote what we're gonna eat.
Neville: Well, there's not much choice, is there?
Barry: Yes there is. We can have, er... [Checks the food cupboard] We can have sausage, egg and beans or sausage and egg, or, alternatively, egg and tinned tomatoes... on fried bread.
Oz: Well why can't everybody just have what tha want?
Barry: 'Cos it don't work like that, does it? You've got to abide with the majority's consensus. Otherwise, what have you got? You've got anarchy! Look, can I have everyone's attention for the moment? [Takes Wayne's headphones off his head.]
Wayne: Oi, do me a favour, mate...
Barry: This includes you, Wayne.
Wayne: What does?
Barry: From my experience, what each hut needs is a leader. Last week when I was working in Mönchengladbach, we had a bloke in our hut called Sid Henderson. "Hacksaw", we called him. And he was, like, democratically elected our leader. That way, we avoided a lot of fruitless debate about who was going to have tinned tomatoes.
Oz: I don't follow.
Barry: You will in a moment, Oz. Now, for example, one night we all wanted to go to the pictures. Some of us wanted to see The Empire Strikes Back, albeit in German, and the other lads wanted to see a Swedish sex film. So it was it was up to Hacksaw, wasn't it?
Neville: Why does it have to be up to anybody?
Barry: Because it makes life much simpler in the long run. Ah, but you never notice much about that anyway.
Wayne: So, er, you're putting yourself forward, is that it?
Barry: Oh, no, no. Not at all. There will be a democratic decision by consensus. [Carries on with his ironing. Wayne puts his headphones back on. Dennis enters the hut]
Bomber: Hey, Dennis. D'you wanna be our leader?
Dennis: What?
Bomber: Barry reckons we needs a leader. Someone to make all the crucial decisions, like whether to have baked beans or fried bread.
Dennis: Don't look at me.
Oz: Well you didn't do a very good job with Neville, did ya?
Dennis: What's that?
Oz: Well, I'm just sayin'...
Dennis: Just sayin' what?
Neville: It wasn't Dennis's fault.
Dennis: I'm just talkin' to Oz, Neville.
Oz: Whose fault was it, then? He's the one that brought ya an' brought me an' all! Told me I'd be kippin' in a hostel. Instead I'm in a wooden hut with a bog 200 yards away!
Dennis: Yer like a bloody kid, you, you need wetnursing.
Barry: This is why we need a leader. To eliminate all this dissention.
Oz: Yeah, well I don't reckon we need a leader what backs down in front of the Krauts!
Dennis: [Getting angry] Backs down?
Oz: Well, ya don't go asking them favours, man. You lay down the terms. Just remember, man, they need us more than we need them!
Dennis: Oh, we don't need them do we not, eh? Why are we here, then? Come on! You complain about the conditions! You can't stand the Germans, so why are you here, Oz?
Oz: [Shrugs] Makes a change.
Dennis: "Makes a change"? Aye, makes a change from the dole queue, doesn't it? Look, man, we're here because we can't get work in England, right? You should be grateful for the Germans! It's thanks to them you've got money in your pocket, and having the dignity of knaing you've just earned it! I had precious little of that back in Birtley for the past four months, kickin' me heels, waiting for the pubs to open, pickin' up the bairns from school 'cos it was the wife who was earning. Aye, and watchin' her tryin' to make a decent meal out of tins!
Oz: Aye, I must admit that was the other reason I left - get away from me wife's cooking. But at least ye divven't need to worry aboot that nae more, do ya?
Dennis: [Angry] You what?! [Approaches Oz aggressively, but Bomber stands in his way]
Bomber: Oi, take it easy, boy!
Dennis: It's none of your business this, Bomber!
Bomber: In this hut, it's everyone's business!
Oz: Well what's he havin' a go at me for? It was a harmless enough remark, wasn'it? [Dennis backs down]
Neville: It was pretty bloody tactless! You owe Dennis an apology, I reckon.
Oz: Oh, I hope I haven't upset anybody, I'd be the first to admit it, I'm very sorry, I'm sure(!) All reet?
Bomber: There y'are, Den. That's the nearest you'll get to an apology from a prannet like him. [A man with a Scouse accent, a suitcase and a round package in a paper bag enters the hut.]
Moxey: Evening, lads.
Oz: Who are ye?
Moxey: The name's Moxey. The feller told me to come to Hut B.
Bomber: You sure he said Hut B?
Moxey: Oh aye, yeah.
Bomber: I don't think so. Must be some mistake. Try the next one along.
Moxey: Oh... Maybe I'd better check with the gaffer. Is it okay, like, if I leave me gear here for a minute? [He does so and leaves the hut.]
Dennis: What d'ya say that for?
Bomber: I reckon this hut's got enough problems as it is without adding to 'em.
Neville: Must be the missing plasterer, eh? [Sees the round package] What do you reckon that is? [Approaches the package]
Barry: Go and have a look. [Neville picks up the package and looks through a hole in the paper.]
Neville: Oh ey, it's a dartboard!
Oz: [Jumps up from his bed, opens the door and shouts outside] Hey! Moxey! Tha were right the first time, pal, this is your hut! [Moxey enters]
Moxey: Haven't got any darts, though!

[In the bar, the lads have just watched Neville's interview]

Wayne: Hey, she was a bit tasty that interviewer, eh? Old Nev should've steamed in there!
Oz: Aye, they've got some canny boilers, the Germans, like, I'll give 'em that.
Dennis: But nothin' else, though.
Oz:. Well, the beer's passable. [His comments start attracting the attention of a few German workers]
Bomber: You passes enough of it.
Oz: No, no, no. To be fair, I've only been here three weeks, I mean.
Dennis: Doesn't make any difference., does it? You could be here three years, and all you'd see was bierhalles, massage parlours...
Oz: So yer gettin' at me again? [Bomber nods]
Dennis: Look, you could use workin' here as an education, yer kna. You could learn from it.
Oz: Look, man, look. I lay bricks, that's what I do. I get up in the morning and for eight hours a day, five days a week, I lay bricks, alreet? It doesn't make no difference to me if it's Dusseldorf or Darlington. I just lay bricks man. [The German workers shake their heads and prepare to confront Oz.]
Barry: It takes a bit of time off, don't it, eh? I mean Nev's got the right idea, he's integrating himself, I mean.
Oz: Oh, has he?
Barry: Yeah, that's what Kevin Keegan did. When Kevin Keegan went to Hamburg, he made a real effort to integrate.
Oz: [To Dennis, who's gone to the bar] Get us a bottle, will ya?
Barry: And Mrs. Keegan! They learn the language, and they made a wide variety of friends amongst the German community.
Oz: Oh, aye? So how come he transferred to Southampton, then? I mean Germany must be pretty desperate if he preferred Southampton!
Dennis: [Returning to the table with some more beers] Have yer been there, like, have ya? [Three of the German workers stands behind Dennis.]
Oz: Course I have...
German worker: I have a question for you.
Oz: Oh aye? Wanna see me papers, do ye?
German worker: If Germany is such no good place, why don't you piss off back to England? [Dennis winces as Oz breaks a bottle and grabs the German worker]

[The following morning, Neville arrives back at the site, and has been called to follow Herr Ulrich onto one of the houses.]

Ulrich: This young man starts work today as bricklayer.
Neville: Oh aye! Thanks very much!
Dennis: Yes, thanks a lot, Herr Ulrich. Much appreciated.
Oz: Well it's only fair, innit? In light of what happened, as I pointed out to you yesterday. [Points his trowel at Herr Ulrich]
Ulrich: Yeah, I agree it's only fair. But also I now have vacancy for bricklayer.
Oz: Oh, aye? How come?
Ulrich: You, Osbourne. You are fired.

[Lunchtime in the bar, after Oz is fired.]

Bomber: [To the barman] Six pils, and six rounds of ham and cheese. [Oz enters the bar, the lads say nothing.] What'll it be, Oz?
Oz: Just the usual.
Bomber: [To the barman] Another pils.
Barman: Him? Out!
Bomber: Oh don't be daft, he only wants a swift half.
Barman: He is not to come here!
Oz: Well what's I done now?
Dennis: [Gets up and approaches the bar] All right.
Oz: What's I done?
Barman: [To Dennis] Last night!
Dennis: That don't count! Come on, man. Give him a beer. [The barman reluctantly puts a seventh beer on the table. Oz goes over to the others.]
Barry: Did you get the boot then?
Oz: Aye, yeah. [He sits at the table, with the others, followed by Barry and Dennis, who puts a beer in front of Oz.]
Neville: I'm really sorry, Oz. I didn't mean...
Oz: Oh nae, it's not your fault, Neville, it's them bastards!
Dennis: Come off it. You've only got yourself to blame, you brought this on yourself.
Oz: How's that, like?
Dennis: Because you're always soundin' off at the Germans! They're just a canny bunch of lads, same as the rest of us!
Oz: Oh aye? Not that Ulrich!
Dennis: Well, alright, he's a hardnose. But it's his job, man.
Oz: Well Ulrich can put his job right in the shit, couldn't he, if you'd've back us up!
Wayne: What do you mean "back"?
Oz: Walk off in protest.
Barry: Oh, right, like a confrontation with the management over his unfair dismissal.
Dennis: What good d'ya think that's gonna do?
Oz: Well it's ganna leave 'em short, isnit? Then what's he ganna dae?
Dennis: He's gonna ring the agent and order another six Brits! He's got plenty to choose from, there's three million unemployed back home!
Oz: Well, it shouldn't be allowed. It's shouldn't! I mean, we've got wor rights, haven't we?
Dennis: We haven't got any rights, Oz! We're on the lump, man, we're black. Look, if you want worker's rights, then register with the Germans. Pay them income tax, welfare, insurance. Can't have it both ways.
Oz: [Quietly] Right. So... [Louder] So... What yer sayin' is you won't back us up! One of yar own mates! Is that it?
Dennis: Look, Oz, I'm sorry you got the boot, right? We all are. But I can do sod all about it.
Oz: Well you're the one that talked Grunwald into letting Neville stay, aren't ya?
Dennis: There were two other factors that helped Neville: A - the bomb, and B - your big mouth.
Oz: What?
Dennis: Look, I've seen blokes like you come and go all the times I've worked in Germany. Never been out the UK before. Never eaten foreign food, never drank foreign beer. Fish out of water without the wife or the mother to lend a guiding hand. After a week they've lost their passports, they've got pissed, lost most of their money, and become ridiculously nationalistic for the country that can't even bloody employ them in the first place. man! [Oz gets up and walks towards the exit]
Neville: Want another beer, Oz?
Oz: Me? No, no, I know when I'm not wanted? [Exits the bar.]

[Dennis is called into the site office. Herr Grunwald looks over the site plans with Dagmar, his secretary.]

Dennis: You said you wanted to see me?
Grunwald: Ja, as you seem to be the lead person.
Dennis: ...Well, I'm not really.
Grunwald: No matter. The point is... you can get Osbourne back. He can stay.
Dennis: Really? Oh, thanks a lot. That'll be a relief to him.
Grunwald: Ja... I hope he change for the better! [Exits the office]
Dagmar: He is very angry to give back the job.
Dennis: Why is he?
Dagmar: [Pouring herself a coffee] Oh, because of the Germans. [She holds up her cup to ask if Dennis also wants a coffee]
Dennis: No thanks, no.
Dagmar: They say it doesn't make them look good if an Englishman gets fired because of an argument with a German.
Dennis: Really?
Dagmar: Mmm. So they said to him if he isn't coming back, we are not going to work.

[After the German workers convince Herr Grunwald to reinstate Oz, the lads decide to invite them to the hut for some beers and a game of darts. Bomber and Moxey put a light above the dartboard]

Bomber: [Plugs the light in] That's it. Perfect. [The light is a bit dim.]
Moxey: Could've done with a stronger bulb, though.
Neville: [Takes a beer from a crate] D'you reckon we've got enough in, Den?
Dennis: Well if there's not, it's easy enough to get some more, innit?
Oz: Aye, ey, they drink a bit, them Jerries! Maybe as much as us!
Dennis: Listen, Oz, Listen, everybody, it's because of those Jerries that Oz is still here. Don't want anybody forgetting that, right? [Murmurs of agreement] When those German scaffolders turn up tonight, let's all make sure that we have a good night. Agreed? You especially, Oz.
Oz: Oh, absolutely.
Dennis: And this darts match, right, it's not the World Cup, or a replay of World War II. It's just meant to cement the harmony and the goodwill amongst the British and the Erics. Agreed? [Murmurs of agreement]
Dennis: Good.
Oz: Mind you, it might only be a darts match, but us British have still got to try and hammer these Germans.
Wayne: What for?
Oz: 'Cos they're the bastards that bombed me granny!

The Girls They Left Behind[edit]

[It's Friday night. The lads wait in the hut for Herr Pfister to arrive with their wages, as he is late. Moxey is under a towel breathing in some Vicks for his cold.]

Oz: [Looking out of the window] Well, that bastard still hasn't shown up!
Neville: [Writing a postcard] He won't come now.
Oz: And Magowan's still out there.
Bomber: [Cleaning his shoes] Best he don't show up then, if that hard case Magowan's waiting for him.
Wayne: [Drying his hair] Here, Bomber, what happened when that agent did a runner with your scratch?
Bomber: We went short. We could've capped him at Berlin, I suppose, but... It'd probably have cost more than what he owed us!
Neville: That's a disgrace! Have we nae protection against that kind of thing?
Dennis: Course we haven't. We're on the lump, Neville.
Neville: So what am I meant to tell Brenda?
Bomber: Tell her what I told mine - the truth, and nothing but.
Neville: Ah, I suppose so.
Bomber: Course, she didn't believe me.
Neville: I mean, Brenda counts on her money every Monday morning.
Oz: Well, I count on mine every Friday night!
Dennis: Look at it this way - if you stay in tonight, you save that much more.
Barry: Very true, Dennis. Saving money's the reason we're all here, isn'it?
Oz: Not for me it's not, mate!
Neville: Well, it is for me. Brenda understands that.
Oz: Well, Barry's not married! What's he savin' up for?
Barry: I'm the sole source of income in my family, I am. Look, my old woman relies on my wage packet since my dad... [Chokes up a little] ...passed on, and what's left goes into my account at the West Bromwich & District Building Society, for my future.
Bomber: The way you drives that motorbike of yours, I don't reckon you 'as much of a future!
Oz: Look, I'm not bovvered about the future, man. I'm bovvered about Friday night, which is now, in case anybody's noticed!
Dennis: Well alright, you'll miss one Friday night's bevvy, so yer can send the wife that little bit more, eh?
Oz: I divvn't send her nowt to begin with, man.
Neville: You don't send her anything?
Oz: Well, look, it's like Den said, isn'it? We're not workin' here officially, so wor Marjorie still cops for the Social Security. If I go sendin' money home, it's ganna jeopardise her benefits, isn'it? So what I make, I do in on a Friday and Saturday. If there's anything left, well.. I keep that for Monday.
Wayne: [Now dressed up] You should learn to control your cash flow, Oz. I mean, if you had a more sensible fiscal strategy, right, I mean you'd make your bread last the week. And you'd be off down the old Stat like yours truly.
Dennis: Well, I don't know how you manage, the amount of women you take out!
Wayne: Well, this one's got her own car, ain't she? Well, that saves me the cab fare, don't it? And she's got her own place where she likes to prepare candlelit dinners for two. So all I've gotta do is fork out for a bottle of plonk, ain't I?
Barry: We could learn a lot from you, we can, Wayne.
Wayne: Fiscal strategy, son. 'Ere, Den, if Pfister does show up, collect me wages for us, will you?
Dennis: Yeah, yeah.
Wayne: Gotta go, lads. Catch you later! [Exits the hut.]
Oz & Neville: Aye. Ta-ra.
Barry: Ta-ra for a bit!
Bomber: Have to reconcile ourselves to a night in, I suppose. In our little home away from home.
Oz: Home?! More like a hospital ward since Moxey moved in! All we can smell is Vicks Vaporub and liniment and... God knas what.
Moxey: [From under his towel] I heard that!
Oz: Oh, yer in there, are ye?
Moxey: [Pulls the towel back] It's not funny, you know, having inflamed bronchs!
Oz: It's even less funny kippin' next to them! You sound like an asthmatic pit pony, man!
Moxey: Oh, get out of my face, Oz! [Wraps the towel round his neck.]
Barry: Oh come on, fair's fair. If it weren't for Moxey, we wouldn't have a dartboard, would we? Which'll help to while away the evening, won't it? Does, er, anybody want a go?

[There's a knock at the door, and Herr Pfister comes in, covered in gravel, and with a bloodied nose.]

Neville: Mr. Pfister? Are you all right?
Dennis: What's happened to yer nose?
Oz: Have ya got me money?
Pfister: I have, today, er... many problems on the Autobahn.
Dennis: [Sits Pfister down] Take it easy, it'll be all right. Neville, get some hot water. What's happened? Have you had a car crash or something?
Pfister: Nein, nein. This was your friend Magowan. He does not like it that I am late, I think. [Oz laughs.]

[Oz, Dennis, Barry and Bomber go to a bar in town. Oz gets the beers in.]

Oz: Alright, lads? Pass 'em along. [He puts the beers in front of Dennis to pass down the table.] Hey, it's put wor behind, hasn'it with Pfister being late.
Bomber: Still salvaged our Friday night though. [Raises his glass to Barry.] Cheers, kid.
Barry: We've plenty of time to do a bit of carnage though, Bomb, eh?
Dennis: Hey, I thought you were putting it aside for your future!
Barry: Oh aye, I am, Dennis. Yeah, but I still think, considering under which squallid circumstances we all live, I think it's very important that we, every now and again, you know, just sort of let it all hang out, you know.
Dennis: That's the main reason yer here, y'see. That's the main reason nearly everybody's here. It's not for the money you send back. You're trying to recapture your adolescence, which you lads missed by gettin' married too young in the first place.
Barry: No, not me, Dennis. No. Not married me, no. I like to stay free, you know.
Dennis: Well, you're the exception, you know what I mean, Barry?
Barry: Yeah.
Bomber: I reckon Den's right. We all took the plunge too soon.
Dennis: Nineteen, I was. Bloody madness, man.
Oz: Yeah, and your marriage is down the toilet now, isn'it?
Dennis: I beg yer pardon?
Oz: Well, face facts, Dennis. I mean, yer gettin' divorced, aren't ya? I mean, that's why yer shouldn't keep on to me gettin' on my back about my marriage!
Dennis: Oz, your marriage is a mockery!
Oz: What?!
Dennis: You admitted yerself you don't even send your Marjorie nothin'!
Oz: We're still together, aren't we?
Dennis: Oh aye? Gateshead's most stable couple(!)
Oz: Yeah? There's not that much competition up there these days.
Bomber: Look, we all got hitched for better off or worse! Come the end of the day, I reckons we all knows where our responsibility lies.
Oz: [Noticing a group of ladies walking past their table] Oh, look at that!
Bomber: I likes it! I wish I were their age!
Oz: Well I'm is their age! [Takes his drink and heads for the ladies.]
Bomber: Wait for me! [And so does he, leaving Dennis and Barry at the table.]
Barry: [Adjusts his tie, blushing] They're... very attractive.

[Back in Newcastle, Vera and Brenda are in a cocktail bar. A waiter brings them a couple of Blue Lagoons.]

Vera: [Taking a sip] Mmm, lovely.
Brenda: [Observing the bar] Popular, this place.
Vera: It's Saturday night, but you get a nice crowd in here, I often come in here wi' Alan [Vera's boyfriend].
Brenda: Ooh, is Alan coming tonight?
Vera: No, I thought just us girls. 'Ere, I'm glad you came, Brenda, I felt so sorry for the girl [Oz's wife Marjorie.]. I thought if we all had a drink, it might cheer her up.
Brenda: What's she like?
Vera: She's a bit, er... hard, I thought. But then, I mean you cannae blame her, she's never heard a word [from Oz].
Brenda: Oh, don't give up hope.
Vera: How, pet?
Brenda: Well, Neville and Dennis. Oh, I am aware of your situation.
Vera: Look, I know what you mean. Whatever happened between Dennis and I, he'd never let the bairns go short.
Brenda: How does she cope? Has she got a job?
Vera: She cannae with the kiddie. Alan thinks he might be able to take her on on a part-time basis.
Brenda: Oh, what does he do?
Vera: Supermarket management. He's running the new one up on the Crestley estate.
Brenda: I go in there sometimes, I must give him a bell for her.
Vera: Do. He's quite senior, and pulls strings, so he thought three days a week, you know, part-time, might help her out.
Brenda: Well it can't hurt.

[Vera notices Marjorie entering the bar with her hair done up and wearing a fake fur coat]

Vera: Here she comes.
Brenda: Is that her? It's not how I pictured her, somehow.
Vera: Yeah, she's a bit obvious! [Waves] Hello, Marjorie!
Marjorie: Hello, Vera! Eee, these boots are killin' us! [Takes her coat off and eyes up Brenda's Blue Lagoon] Ohh, that looks nice. Could do with one of them! [Sits next to Brenda] D'you mind?
Brenda: Er, no...
Marjorie: [Takes a sip] Oh, that'll do me!
Vera: This is Brenda Hope, Marjorie.
Marjorie: Hello, pet.
Brenda: Hello, Marjorie. How are you?
Marjorie: Better now I've sat down. [Shows off her high-heeled boots] I got these in the sale in Binns last January, I've never had the chance to wear them. D'you like them?
Brenda: Yes, they're er... [Turns to Vera and raises her eyebrows] ...very attractive.
Marjorie: They're supposed to be imitation ocelot.
Vera: I like your hair.
Marjorie: Me sister did it. She's sittin' for my Rod tonight, so she came 'round early, tried to make us look presentable.
Brenda: Is Rod your little lad?
Marjorie: Oh... Little devil, more like! He's got us run off me feet! [Lights a cigarette]
Brenda: Aye. Well they need a father at that age, don't they?
Marjorie: Not his, he doesn't.:
Vera: Have you heard from Oz, Marjorie?
Marjorie: Ha!
Vera: You've only just written, now. Come on, give him a chance.
Marjorie: I've given 'im plenty over the years.
Brenda: [Interrupting] Oh, here's the waiter. [He comes over] Three more of them, love.
Waiter: Anything you'd like, love. Compliments of those gentlemen over at the bar. [A group of gentlemen raise their glasses.]
Brenda: Eee! What a nerve!
Waiter: Anything you want, that's what they said.
Vera: Tell 'em thanks a lot but, er, we'll buy our own.
Marjorie: [Gasps] Wait a minute, pet. None of us are flush, are we?
Vera: I don't think it's worth it, Marjorie, if it means encouraging their attention.
Marjorie: Ohh, they're not all that bad! One of 'em's quite tasty!
Vera: Thank them for us, waiter, but we'll buy our own. [The waiter leaves.]
Marjorie: Must have been the boots! They like boots, men. Don't they?
Vera: Even so, I don't think it's a very good idea to encourage them. It's not what we're here for, is it?
Marjorie Well, no, but...
Brenda: Our Neville will kill us if he finds out.
Marjorie: Well, what d'you think they're doin' over there? They're not in a hut playin' dominoes, you know. They're out on the prowl.
Brenda: That's not why my Neville went! He went 'cos we're saving for a house and he can't earn the same money over here.
Marjorie: Oh, aye that's part of it, of course. But the main reason is to get away from home so they can act like a bunch of kids. When you're that far away, there's no questions asked, are there? Out of sight, out of mind.
Brenda: Neville phones twice a week, every Monday and Friday without fail.
Marjorie: No, but we weren't born yesterday, were wa?
Vera: [Interrupting] Shut up, Marjorie! Brenda and Neville are a very happily married couple.
Marjorie: Well, maybe he's the exception. I'm just saying that most of them, they're out there, they act like bunch of lunatics.
Vera: [Seeing that Brenda has had enough of Marjorie, mouths] I'll handle her. [To Marjorie] We were thinking of having a curry in that new Indian place, Marjorie. Or do you have other plans?
Marjorie: Oh, I don't like curry. Stays with us for days.
Brenda: [Now fed up] I don't wanna be too late meself.
Marjorie: I havvn't upset you, have I, pet?
Brenda: No, whatever gave you that idea(?)

[Back in Dusseldorf, Neville calls home from the bar on Monday evening.]

Neville: What's got into you, Brenda? ...What do you mean "loonin' around"? ...Of course I'm in the bar, man! That's where the telephone is, isn'it? ...No, there's naebody here but Wayne and Barry playin' cards. ...Eh? Oh, hang on, pet... [puts another coin in the slot] Hang on, man!

[Wayne and Barry are indeed at the bar playing cards.]

Barry: [To the barman] Two pils, please. [To Wayne] What about Neville?
Wayne: [Looks at Neville] He ain't started his first yet. Too busy getting stick from the wife. I dunno, comes in here faithful every Monday, fistful of change, five minutes after the cheap rate starts, rings the missus, good as gold. Gets a verbal bollocking off her. I don't understand married men meself!
Barry: I think I know the reason for this. Yeah, you have a deep-rooted dislike of women. [Wayne is somewhat taken aback by this] Which explains why you have no desire to form a permanent relationship. You're obviously the product of a broken home, right, where you're brought up by parents who fought all the time. [Wayne looks at Barry] I can see you as a child, lyin' awake until the early hours, listenin' to your parents fighting in the living room below. I think a thing like that scars a child for life.
Wayne: Well I suppose it would, yeah.
Barry: Bound to, innit? I thought I'd hit the nail on the 'ead!
Wayne: So, erm... How comes my folks have just had their silver wedding, then? [Turns over a winning hand with his cards. Barry looks confused.] Don't be so put out, they're over the moon about it!
Barry: No, no, you know, I'm chuffed for 'em. Really, yeah. Chuffed.

[Oz enters the bar, having fixed the broken radio he bought earlier]

Oz: Got it workin'.
Wayne: Oh yeah?
Oz: Listen to this. [Turns it on, it plays loud music.]
Neville: [Turns round, still on the phone] Turn that down will yer?
Oz: Ah, bollocks!
Neville: [Back on the phone to Brenda] No, pet! I'm not in a discotheque!

[In a bar in Liege following the Sunderland game, Oz is drinking with a bunch of fans in the background, while Dennis is chatting with a couple of fans at the bar]

Dennis: Well, one good thing about a draw, eh? You lot won't take out your triumph or defeat on the innocent bystanders of Belgium, eh?
Ernie: We're not like that, man! We just came on a trip, have a good time.
Brian: Aye, no bother. Mind you, there's always the lunatic fringe. I mean that lot over there. [Looks over at the group of fans Oz is sat with]
Dennis: How did you lads get here, then?
Ernie: Plane. We ran three charters from Newcastle. 42 quid an' all. Not bad!
Dennis: You lads not workin', like?
Ernie: Well, me and Brian are. Just. I was in the shipyards. Riveter. Now I'm driving a furniture van.
Brian: It's desperate up our way, man.
Dennis: Why do ya think I'm here?
Ernie: Do ya like it, do ya?
Dennis: Have no choice! I had me own business, yer kna, jobbing builder. [The group Oz is with start singing loudly] I worked me bollocks off for five years. Made no difference in the end, yer kna, went under. Still owe the Government VAT.
Brian: I thought I'd work in the oil rigs for a while, meself. That's good money if you don't mind spending your time up in Aberdeen.
Dennis: Aye, I spend mine up just the same. Dusseldorf, yer kna, Monday nights.
Ernie: Aye, are ya alright up there?
Dennis: Well, it's worth it, yer kna, despite the drawbacks. [Oz gets up to leave with the rowdy mob.]
Oz: Ere! Dennis! Me and these lads is gan up for some action. Fancy it?
Dennis: No, I'm stoppin' 'ere.
Oz: Ah, I've only got one night, man! There's nae point in stoppin' in one place!
Dennis: Look, you be at the station eleven o'clock, right? [Oz leaves] Look, the train won't wait for ye, and neither will I! [Turns back to the bar.]
Ernie: Who was he?
Dennis: He's one of the drawbacks!

[Oz returns to the hut after drunkenly getting on one of the charter planes to England and going home to see his wife]

Oz: Morning, campers! Rise and shine!
Neville: [Waking up] Oz?!
Oz: Well, it's not the Duke of Edinburgh, is it?
Barry: [Waking up] I was fast asleep...
Oz: Howay, Dennis, man! G'mornin'! Work to be done!
Dennis: [Throws his bed covers off] Why din' ya pack it in, man!
Oz: I'm back, man.
Moxey: Thought you'd gone for good.
Oz: Nah, yer can't get rid of me that easy, mate.
Bomber: [Waking up] Oh, I'm dreamin' and havin' a nightmare, Oz has come back!
Oz: Aye, certainly.
Wayne: Where'd you spring from, then?
Oz: Been back home, havven' I? Cadged a lift back home with the lads after the match. Well, why not, you know? Go back home, have a couple of pints with the lads in The Crow, see the wife...
Dennis: Oh, you saw her did yer?
Oz: Certainly. While I was back, I might as well sort her out.
Neville: Aye, I heard you'd been back home.
Oz: How's that, like?
Neville: I was talkin' to Brenda, she told us.
Oz: Ah well look, from now on, we'll just keep the wives' mafia out of our affairs, shall wa? 'Cos one of the good things is Marjorie doesn't know I'm in Dusseldorf. In fact, as far as she's concerned, it's the last place she'll think of lookin' for us! I'm not here, me, I'm the Invisible Man! [Checks his belongings]
Bomber: Well I can't think of anyone less invisible than you, Oz!
Oz: ...Hey, where's me stereo?
Wayne: Oh, I've got that, Oz.
Oz: Well ask next time, eh?
Wayne: No, it's.. it's mine now.
Oz: What?!
Wayne: Yeah, I sort of bought it.
Oz: Nae ya didn't!
Barry: Er, I think an explanation is in order. Err, Dennis...
Oz: [To Dennis] Yer, well?
Dennis: Well, Oz, it's, er... like this. Us lads, like, we thought we'd seen the last of you, yer kna. Thought you'd gone for good. So we said to worselves, "What shall we do with his stuff?"
Oz: So what did you do with it?
Dennis: Well, we went through your locker, you know, thinkin' you'd need the money. [Oz checks his locker] And the only things we found of any value were your donkey jacket, your digital clock and your stereo.
Oz: And they're gone an' all! Where are they?
Dennis: Well, eh, we had an auction, Oz.
Oz: An auction?!
Barry: It was a democratic decision. I've got the digital clock.
Moxey: I got the jacket.
Wayne: And, er, I got the stereo.
Oz: [Looks round] What a bloody nerve!
Dennis: No, wait a minute! Look, we weren't selling you short. I mean, we raised 230 quid! That plus yer three days wages came to nearly £400!
Oz: [Flabbergasted] Oh that's not so bad, 'cos I can borrow a bit to get back! [To Wayne, pointing at the stereo] I'm buyin' that straight back, mate! [To the others] Where's me money?
Dennis: Er... Well, the thing is, Oz, thinking you'd need the money, like, yer kna, we, er... sent it home.
Oz: Home?! But I'm here, man! What's ganna happen to it?
Neville: [Smirking] Well, I think your wife'll find a use for it!


[Torrential rain has brought all work on the site to a halt. In the hut, Barry writes a letter, while Wayne, Neville, Bomber and Oz play pontoon with a pack of lewd playing cards. Moxey is in bed with the flu.]

Barry: [Looks outside] It's like a bleedin' quagmire out there, innit? [To Moxey] Reckon we'll be laid off?
Moxey: [All stuffed up] Suits me. I'm not well. [Sneezes into a hankie.]
Oz: Still ploatin' doon, isn'it?
Wayne: "Ploatin' doon"? An' what's that supposed to mean, then?
Oz: Yer kna... hoyin' it doon, man. Cats and dogs. It's pissin' down, isn'it?
Bomber: At least that's English. It's easier to learn German than understand Geordie.
Wayne: Look, are we playing cards or what?
Neville: It comes from the French - "pleut". [Wayne rolls his eyes.] So, to "pleut" means "to rain" in French. At least, I think it does.
Wayne: Yeah, well you're an educated man you are, Nev. O-Level in woodwork. Can't argue with that, can we(?) [Neville gives Wayne the two-fingered salute.] Do you wanna twist or buy?
Neville: Nah, I'll stick with these, thanks.

[One of the Turks enters the hut to bring fuel for the stove. He leaves the door open.]

Wayne: [To the Turk] Door!
Bomber: I'll stick. [Gets up to shut the door.]
Moxey: Brought up in a t-tent you were, Ayatollah!
Bomber: Oh, leave the lad alone, we needs the warmth. [Shuts the door.]
Oz: Right, er, twist us a seven. [Wayne deals a card] Nine. Perfect(!) [He's bust, he throws his cards to the table.]
Wayne: [Turns over his cards] Eighteen, pay nineteens.
Neville: [As he and Bomber throw their cards down] Can you believe his luck?
Oz: [Noticing the Turk standing by the stove with the wood in a bucket] Just leave it down there, Ayatollah. We'll manage it. Just get out. [The Turk sets the bucket down and starts observing the game.]
Neville: Pleuvoir - to rain.
Wayne: If I'd known I was going to be put in with you lot, I'd have taken a bloody language course! I'd have gone to that place in Oxford Street, you know? The Berlitz School, and taken elementary Geordie for beginners! [The Turk takes a keen interest in Neville's cards.]
Oz: Hey, Ayatollah! That's all right. Sling yer hook. Get out! [The Turk finally takes the hint and leaves.]
Bomber: Look at these cards. I must have killed a Chinaman.
Neville: A lot of Geordie derives from Denmark. Scandinavia. 'Cos of the Vikings, see? They came over our way first.
Oz: Well, they still do, don't they? They shop at Marks & Sparks!

[Meanwhile, Dennis is in the site office. Herr Ulrich enters.]

Ulrich: Ja?
Dennis: Er, just checking, Herr Ulrich, the lads were wondering what the possibility is of resuming work.
Ulrich: [Taking off his raincoat] Very small. The forecast is continual bad.
Dennis: Well, we don't mind working the weekend, yer kna, to make up for it.
Ulrich: No, it's not popular with the German workers.
Dennis: Well, can I just clarify one thing? I mean, we still get paid, don't we? I mean, the weather, that's not down to us, is it?
Ulrich: Well, the weather's very English, I think.
Dennis: Yeah, but we'd still get paid in England.
Ulrich: Ja, but in Germany, you're self-employed. No work, no pay.
Dennis: Well when I read the contract, it didn't read like that to me.
Ulrich: No? Please, read the small print.

[Dennis returns to the hut after meeting Herr Ulrich]

Dennis: Hey, I nearly drowned out there, man!
Bomber: What's mein Führer say, then?
Dennis: No work 'til Monday.
Neville: Does that mean no pay?
Dennis: 'Fraid not, bonny lad. Some chippies have got some indoor work, but us lot can forget it.
Neville: I was really hoping to put in some overtime this week.
Oz What, to compensate for your pontoon deficits?
Neville: Very funny(!)
Dennis: Well, a little break won't do us any harm, eh?
Neville: Yeah, but Brenda wants to retile the bathroom.
Dennis: Aye well, you shouldn't play cards, should yer?
Neville: I wouldn't be playing if it wasn't raining!
Barry: You really reckon Monday, Dennis?
Dennis: It's Friday now, Barry, and the forecast...
Neville: [Checking the change in his hand] I'd better phone her I suppose.
Oz: Nae bother, man. Just reverse the charges. It's only England.
Neville: I was really counting on that extra.
Dennis: It's bound to happen, man. It happens at home, doesn't it, the weather?
Wayne: [Getting up] If that's the word then, I know a young Fräulein who won't be too upset. I'd better press me old whistle, haven't I, eh?
Dennis: It's one of them things, Neville, man, yer kna. We might as well make the most of it.
Neville: And do what?
Dennis: ...I dunno. Somethin'. Pictures, eh? Hey, we could hire a car, couldn't we? Drive off overnight, like. [Sits at the table where Oz is still fiddling with the deck of cards]
Oz: Hey, how far's Berlin?
Bomber: What?
Oz: Berlin, man. Can we gan to Berlin, Den? I've always wanted to gan to Berlin.
Bomber: Why, for heaven's sake?
Oz: Well, I divvn't kna, man. I mean it's, er... It's historic, isn'it? I mean it's interesting. After all, it is Berlin, isn'it?
Neville: It's probably raining there an' all.
Oz: No, no, man. But think of it. Berlin, man! Yer kna, spies, the war, Hitler's bunker...
Bomber: It's closed weekends.
Oz: Ahh, do us a favour, man, Bomber.
Dennis: Hey, you could gan to East Berlin, Oz.
Oz: What? Behind the Iron Curtain?
Dennis: Aye.
Oz: Right!
Dennis: Let's all spend the weekend in East Berlin.
Oz: Sound.
Dennis: Apparently, it's the most miserable, depressing place you've ever seen in yer life.
Neville: What? Worse than here?

[Wayne goes on a date. He gets in his date's car]

Wayne: [Adjusting his hair in the rear-view mirror] It's worse than England!
Ingrid: What?
Wayne: The weather. It makes me feel quite nostalgic. [They drive off.]
Ingrid: What would you now be doing if you were now in London?
Wayne: As it's Friday, I'd probably be working. Or on the dole.
Ingrid: What is that?
Wayne: It's the unemployment. We're big on that in England. It's one of our few spectacular successes(!) Right, we've managed to put more people out of work than any of our European counterparts.
Ingrid: Yes?
Wayne: And then I've got mates my age who ain't worked since they left school. Mind you, some of them it suits down to the ground.
Ingrid: So, what do they do?
Wayne: Well... they sort of put their energies into other things. Hence the violence at West Ham.
Ingrid: What?
Wayne: It's a football team.
Ingrid: Oh! And you go to football?
Wayne: Nah, I'm well out of that.
Ingrid: I work in England.
Wayne: Yeah right, you said. Where was it?
Ingrid: Maidstone. It was not far from London.
Wayne: Maidstone, eh? No shortage of action there then, eh?
Ingrid: They were very nice, the family I work with. He was an airline pilot, and she too was working. She was teaching young children.
Wayne: And, er... that's where you learnt to speak such good English, eh?
Ingrid: Huh. I don't speak too good, I think.
Wayne: Yeah, well... You don't have to, do you?
Ingrid: [Stops the car] What do you mean?
Wayne: Where I come from, you're what's known as a very tasty bird.
Ingrid: That is what the airline pilot tells me!

[That night, the lads come back after watching going to an adult cinema in town]

Dennis: [Shouting] I'm home, pet!
Oz: Howay, Den, man! [The lads enter the hut. Oz checks the stove] The stove's always blowing out.
Dennis: [Noticing Moxey in bed] Hey, shh. Moxey's asleep.
Barry: Oh yeah, he was on sick this morning. Yeah, he saw the Kraut doc.
Oz: He'll be at death's door by now, then.
Dennis: Hey, he doesn't look to canny.
Bomber: Bomber might turn in early himself after all those Swedish sex sagas.
Oz: Divvn't dae nowt for me, them. It's like eating chocolates with the papers on.
Neville: [Checking his belongings] Me money's gone!
Dennis: What, Nev?
Neville: Me money. It's gone!
Oz: Aye, it went on pontoon, didn't it? To Wayne, mostly.
Neville: Nah, I'm serious, man! I always keep me spare cash in this shoe. It's gone.
Dennis: Hang on a minute, man. Look, is it not in the other one?
Neville: No, I've looked.
Dennis: It could be somewhere else, man.
Neville: Look, it's not there. It's been pinched.
Oz: Divvn't panic, you've probably just put it somewhere.
Neville: Like where?
Oz: Like a pocket or summat.
Dennis: Aye, could've been...
Neville: Look, Dennis, before I went out, I was cleaning these shoes, then I put me money on one of 'em. It's gone!
Bomber: How much has been taken?
Neville: Thirty-three quid. [Oz goes to check his belongings.]
Dennis: Look, you definitely didn't take it out with you?
Neville: I promise you, no.
Oz: [Checking under his pillow] Hey, me watch has been nicked!
Bomber: What?
Oz: The strap broke, right? So I left it here under me pillow, and it's gone!

[Wayne returns to the site. In the hut, the lads wake Moxey up and question him.]

Moxey: When I got back from the quack's, you'd all gone. Except Wayne. He was 'ere, doin' his hair. Then I went to get me prescription. Then I went to... bed. [Sneezes into a hankie.]
Dennis: Did anybody come in while you were in bed?
Moxey: I was flat out, wasn't I? Well, most of the time. I think someone come in, but I might have been dreaming. I've got a temperature, you know. I'm not a well m... man! [Sneezes again]
Oz: So you were just here on your own?
Moxey: ...What are you gettin' at?
Oz: I'm just sayin'.
Moxey: No, you're not.
Oz: Well, what's up wi' you?
Moxey: I know what you're sayin'!
Bomber: Look, boyo, you've not been in this hut long. The rest of us have. We're all mates, like.
Moxey: So what? I've known mates rip each other off.
Oz: Not these lads!
Moxey: If I wasn't sick, I'd have you outside by now.
Oz: [Getting riled up] Ah, d'you reckon, do yer?
Dennis: All right, hold your horses! Nobody's accusing anybody. We're just trying to establish the facts.
Barry: That's right, Dennis. [Wayne enters the hut. The others turn towards him.]
Wayne: Moxey died, has he?
Oz: You're back early.
Wayne: Well, I didn't pull. I mean, it does happen. I spend enough on her, though. Present, Chinese lunch, or was it Indonesian? I can't remember. It cost enough, though, I tell you that.
Oz: Flush, are ya?
Dennis: Oz...
Wayne: Well it was down to you lot, weren't it?
Dennis: What's that supposed to mean?
Wayne: Pontoon, weren't it? [Notices them all staring at him] 'Ere, what's the word? What's goin' on?
Moxey: He... he was here, with that old hairdryer. And when I left, he was still there.
Wayne: What's he on about?
Dennis: There's been some money took, and a watch.
Wayne: When?
Dennis: Today, sometime.
Wayne: No! Well, whose?
Neville: My cash, Oz's watch. Nobody else has found anything missing.
Wayne: [Turns to his locker] I'd better check.
Oz: No, maybes we should do that.
Wayne: ...You what?
Oz: Check yer tackle.
Wayne: Well, what a prick I am(!) An' I thought you were my mates. It's my second surprise today, ain't it?
Dennis: We're not sayin' nothin', Wayne.
Wayne: Nah, not much. you're just pointing the finger at me though, ain't ya?
Dennis: We'll just check your things. You've nothing to hide, right? It just clears the air, doesn'it?
Wayne: Does it? I mean, have you checked everybody else's things?
Dennis: No, not yet.
Wayne: Nah, nor ever likely, either. Bloody naffin' Geordie Mafia! Butter wouldn't bloody melt, would it?
Dennis: Come on now, Wayne. Look, it just simplifies things, doesn't it, eh? Look, we're not tryin' to prove that one of us did it, we're just verifying the fact that none of us did. We'll look at everybody's things, mine included.
Neville: [Steps forward] Look, I'm not sayin' it's you, Wayne.
Wayne: Yeah, not much(!)
Neville: None of us are!
Wayne: And I'm supposed to buy that, eh? You bloody Geordies, you think you're God's gift don't ya?
Bomber: Why are you getting in such a lather?
Neville: Wayne, listen...
Wayne: [Pushes Neville away aggressively] Listen? Bollocks!
Neville: I'm just sayin'...
Wayne: [Angry] You've said enough as far as I'm concerned!
Neville: Look! [Wayne pushes Neville again] Hey, pack that in!
Wayne: [Gets in Neville's face] Yeah? Or what?!
Dennis: That's enough!
Wayne: [To Dennis] I'm askin' him! [To Neville] Or what?!
Neville: Just don't shove me!
Wayne: Oh, piss off, man! [Neville swings to hit Wayne. Wayne ducks, and Neville hits Wayne's locker door, injuring his wrist.]
Dennis: [To Wayne] For God's sake, man! Pack it in!
Wayne: He swung at me, man!
Oz: Ah, you provoked him.
Wayne: But what are you lot doing to me, eh?
Neville: [Holding his wrist] Shite, I'm bleeding!
Dennis: [Picks up a shirt from the ironing board and gives it to Bomber] You're all right, bonny lad. Just wrap that 'round it. [To Wayne] Look, this is crazy, man!
Wayne: You wanna check my things? Go ahead. But I tell ya that's it!
Dennis: What's that supposed to mean?
Wayne: You don't trust me, do ya? You just go and look! But I tell you what, I'm shippin' out, mates(!) I'd rather bed in with the Turks than stay with you lot!
Barry: They can look in my things any time they like.
Wayne: That's not the point, man!
Dennis: No, look, he's right. It isn't the point. Look, just forget about it, alright, Wayne? Nobody will look in anybody's things.
Moxey: I've been delirious. I dunno who's come in.
Bomber: What are we gonna do then, Den?
Dennis: I dunno. Look, if what's been taken is on this table first thing in the morning, then we'll forget about it. Right? It'll never be mentioned again.
Barry: [Goes over to Neville] Er... Neville? Could I have me shirt back, please? You know, when you've finished with it, like. [Walks away.]
Wayne: [Sits opposite Neville] Are you okay?
Neville: I'll live.
Wayne: That might need stitches.
Neville: I'll worry about that in the morning.
Wayne: Look, I'm sorry, Neville.
Neville: No, it's me should apologise...
Wayne: I was a bit pissed off 'cos I didn't score, you know.
Neville: I thought you said she was the type you didn't give a portion to.
Wayne: Yeah, but I wish she had. [Neville chuckles] No hard feelings?
Neville: No, it's me should be askin' you that.
Wayne: Yeah, but you're a thick Geordie bastard, ain't you?
Neville: Hey, I am sorry about what was said.
Wayne: It's all forgotten, man. Go on. [They shake hands... but Neville forgets it's the hand he injured, and recoils in pain!]

[Oz and Dennis ruminate on the thefts in the bar.]

Oz: Bad for morale this, Den.
Dennis: What morale?
Oz: Why man, the morale of our hut.
Dennis: [Incredulous] The morale of our hut?! We're not prisoners of war, man, keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity. Ey, you live in a dream world, you do, Oz.
Oz: Well, what I'm sayin' is we're all mates, I mean, there's a certain sort of character to our group. That's it, we've got character.
Dennis: You live with a hut full of overgrown adolescents who are either boozing or moaning. But if you think that's character... [To barman] Zwei Bier, bitte.
Oz: Yeah, but we trust each other, I'll admit it. That's the point. That trust's in danger of... evaporating with a thing like this.
Dennis: Hey, I didn't kna you put such store in trust, Oz.
Oz: I do that. I mean without it, where are we? In the jungle.
Dennis: So you're convinced nobody in our hut's a thief?
Oz: Well, I kna. When yous were all havin' a shower, I went through everybody's locker.
Dennis: You did what?!
Oz: Well, somebody had to!
Dennis: Hey, what about this trust you're on about?
Oz: Well, It proves me point, doesn'it?
Dennis: Hey, you're a queer one, you, lad.
Oz: Well, not so much of the queer, mate. Anyway, cheers.
Dennis: Cheers. ...You found nothin' then?
Oz: I tell yer, the sum total of all our possessions wouldn't fetch a fart at a bring-and-buy sale. We're a pretty threadbare bunch, Dennis.
Dennis: D'yer think we should bring furniture with wor, eh? Cushion covers, d'yer think that'll be good for the morale of our hut?
Oz: Howay, man.
Dennis: You're a big daft thing, you, lad.
Oz: Hey, I'm shrewder than what you think. I was readin' this spy book, where this agent coats these secret documents with that special stuff, right? It's unseen to the human eye, but it comes up on your hand the next day. So, he knas which one of the passengers has taken the documents.
Dennis: Passengers?
Oz: Aye, they're on this boat, y'see, bound for Tangiers.
Dennis: We're in a hut, man, we're bound for bloody nowhere!
Oz: Look, it's just a simple lotion what oxidises. You can buy it in any chemist's or security store. Now, we could coat some cash, leave it lyin' around...
Dennis: None of us have got any money.
Oz: You won't take me seriously, will yer? I wanna nick this thief. He took my watch in case you forgot!
Dennis: It wasn't a very special watch, was it?
Oz: It worked underwater, Dennis!

[The lads question Neville in the hut after Oz and Barry spot him coming out of a pawn shop.]

Dennis: [To Neville] Look, I'm not accusing you of anything.
Neville: Yeah y'are, you all are! I come in here, it's like the Spanish inquisition! It's none of your business!
Dennis: I think it is, bonny lad.
Neville: But if I pinched Oz's watch, how much would that've fetched at the pawn shop?
Oz: Ay, it was a canny watch, that, man!
Neville: Oh, and I've just pretended to have me money pinched to cover up? Ohh, howay.
Dennis: Look, just hear me out, will yer? Look, you are the last person in the world to steal anything, right...
Oz: But yer have got money troubles.
Neville: So?
Dennis: [To Oz] Shut up! [To Neville] So, if you're desperate enough to get into hock, I'd like to know about it, 'cos I'd like to help.
Oz: Well, personally I don't think he's got anything of any personal value...
Neville: Oh, he still thinks I took his bloody watch!
Dennis: Oz, don't be a prick all your bloody life! Take an hour off, will yer?
Neville: Look, it's nobody's business but me own! [Frustrated, he sits on his bed.]
Wayne: Listen, Nev, what Dennis says goes for all of us. I mean, if you're strapped or in a jam or something, we'd like to help you out. I mean, that's the word, innit, lads?
Dennis: Absolutely. [The lads murmur.] Look, we're all in your corner, kid. [Sits on the bed next to Neville]
Neville: What it was...
Dennis: Look, you don't have to tell...
Oz: Naw, let 'im get it off 'is chest, man!
Neville: I met this lass, y'see. Nothin' special, but I didn't want to know 'cos I knew what you'd all think.
Wayne: Who was she, then?
Neville: Nobody you'd know. Anyway... I met her, right. And when I seen her yesterday, she gave us this present, er... a bit of jewellery, a keepsake, like. Then this mornin' I gets a letter from Brenda and... it just brought home how short wor are, or... how short she is, and then... so... I pawned the lass's present.
Oz: Oh, charming(!)
Wayne: Leave it out, Oz!
Neville: I know it wasn't a very nice thing to do, but like you say I was strapped. I got twenty-five quid for it, and that's nearly what I had pinched. It's one way of lookin' at it, isn'it?
Dennis: [Happy with Neville's explanation] Right. That's all that sorted out! Let's all go over to the greasy spoon, eh, and drink to this satisfactory conclusion. [To Oz, sarcastically] Eh, good the the morale of our hut? Eh? [The lads make their way out, except Wayne and Neville]
Wayne: Here, Nev. You gotta get that thing out of hock. Sentimental reasons, innit? Look, I'll loan you the readies, and you pay me back.
Neville: Ah no, no.
Wayne: No, you're all right. How about tomorrow lunch? You on?
Neville: Well, I do feel a bit bad about it. But... I couldn't give it to Brenda! Where would she think I got the money from?
Wayne: Later. I mean a birthday or something. Coming, then?
Neville: Yeah. Cheers, mate.
Wayne: All right! Coming down the pub?
Neville: [Getting up] You would've liked her, Wayne.

[The lads come back from the bar a bit drunk, except Oz who left early.]

Barry: Blimey! What's this? [Picks up a bank note off the floor.] Who's dropped this? Look. Is this yours, then? [Passes the note to Bomber]
Bomber: Oh-ho, I wish it was, boyo! [Passes it to Dennis]
Dennis: It's 100 Marks! Hey, somebody's flush [Passes it to Wayne]
Wayne: Or bleedin' careless. [Passes it to Moxey]
Moxey: Let's have a look. [Does so, then passes it to Neville] 100 Deutschmarks.
Neville: 100 Alfreds? That's worth about twenty-five quid, ah. [The lads drunkenly giggle, but no-one owns up to dropping the money. Neville leaves the 100 Mark note on the table]

[The following morning, Wayne wakes up. The Turk enters with wood for the stove.]

Moxey: Hey, close the door, will ya? It's worse than the bloody Arctic! [Wayne goes to close the door, but as he does, Oz grabs hold of his wrist.]
Oz: Got 'im!
Wayne: You naffin' lunatic! What's goin' on?
Oz: Look at this! [Holding up Wayne's hand, covered in green stains]
Wayne: What are you on about? [The others wake up]
Oz: I've caught the thief.
Wayne: [Breaks free from Oz's grasp] You lunatic!
Dennis: What's goin' on?
Oz: Look, last night I coated this note with this special stuff, right? Dennis knows what I'm talkin' about. The next day it stains your fingers, right? [Grabs Wayne's hand and holds it up again] Look at the evidence!
Wayne: What are you on about?
Oz: I doctored this note, didn't I?
Wayne: But the note's over there, ain't it? [Points to the 100 Mark note still on the table. The Turk also notices.]
Neville: [Looking at his stained hands] Hey, what's this?
Dennis: [Looking at his hands too] I've got it as well.
Barry: [Also examining his hands] Eurgh!
Neville: Hey, does this come out? [While all the lads are checking their hands, the Turk - the real culprit - takes the 100 Mark note from the table, completely unnoticed by the lads, and exits the hut.]
Moxey: [Looking at his hands, as is Bomber] Oh, no.
Oz: I don't get this.
Wayne: You daft..!
Neville: Does this come off? I've got a tattoo on me arm I don't want, and now I've got green fingers! [Oz just looks confused.]

[Neville exits the pawn shop. He joins Wayne who is outside waiting for him.]

Wayne: Did you get it?
Neville: Yeah. The decent thing to do, wasn't it? Cheers, Wayne.
Wayne: It was no bother, son. Well, show us, then. [Neville gets the jewellery out of the bag. Wayne has a closer look - it's the locket he gave to Ingrid on their date. He can't believe it!]

Home Thoughts From Abroad[edit]

[It's the end of another working week. Two German workers run past the lads who are waiting for their wages in the rain.]

Neville: Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.
Bomber: Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.
Wayne: Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.
Moxey: Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?
Wayne: Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)
Oz: Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?
Dennis: That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)
Barry: Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.
Oz: [Turns to Barry] What's roughage?
Barry: Roughage?
Oz: [Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?
Barry: Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]
Oz: Oh! Senna pods, like?
Barry: Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.
Oz: Oh.
Dennis: Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.
Barry: Oh, yeah.

[Herr Ulrich opens the door of the site office]

Ulrich: [Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.
Bomber: For me?!
Neville: Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.
Bomber: Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?
Neville: Aye, sure.
Dennis: Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]
Ulrich: Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.
Bomber: My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?

[Dennis, Oz, Barry and Moxey visit an Indian restaurant called Der Khyber.]

Oz: Would you believe it, eh? Home from home. Flock wallpaper, tigers... [listens to the piped-in music] Duane Gandhi on guitar.
Dennis: Aye.
Oz: The only think they haven't got's the Newcastle Exhibition ashtrays. [A waiter appears.]
Waiter: Guten Abend, mein Herren. (Good evening, gentlemen.)
Dennis: Er, Guten Abend. Erm... Vier Tisch, bitte. (Four tables, please.)
Waiter: Wie, bitte? (I beg your pardon?)
Barry: [Steps in] Erm... table for four, please. Four [Holds up four fingers.]
Waiter: Ah, so... Einen Tisch für vier Personen. Nehmen Sie bitte Platz. (A table for four people. Please have a seat.)
Oz: [As they take their seats.] Aye, that's it. that's it. D'you not speak any English? Sprechen Sie, er... the Englischen, like?
Waiter: Augenblick. Moment. [Leaves to get another waiter.]
Oz: Would you credit it, eh? Indian waiter what cannae speak English!
Dennis: Aye, well, we are in Germany, Oz.
Oz: Exactly! So why isn't he speaking English? I mean, he's one of us, isn't he? I mean, this is a curry house, isn'it? You cannae get much more British than that, can yer, eh?
Dennis: Oz, how many times have I been out for a curry with you in England?
Oz: [Thinks for a second.] I divvn't know. Half a dozen?
Dennis: Aye, and on each occasion, no matter where we've been, you called the Indian waiters there either Sabu or Gunga Din, yer kna. Now we're in Germany, you expect this Indian lad to treat you like some long-lost brother.
Oz: ...So what, like?
Dennis: You would have made a great imperialist, you would.
Waiter: [Sending out another waiter with the menus] Ich will nicht sprechen. Das hast du letzte Woche mit den Amerikanern gemacht. (I don't want to talk. You did that with the Americans who came in here last week.)
Second waiter: Du bist so unmöglich! (You are so impossible!)
Waiter: Mein Kollege spricht Englisch. Also, Sie können echt auf Englisch bestellen. (My colleague speaks English, so you can order in English.)
Second waiter: [Handing out the menus] Please. [Oz looks at Barry before taking a menu.] Please? [Barry takes a menu.] Please.
Moxey: Ta [Takes another menu.]
Second waiter: Please.
Dennis: [Taking the fourth menu] Thank you.
Oz: [Examining the menu] I don't believe it. The whole menu's in German!
Moxey: There's only one word I understand here - biryani. I don't even know what that is in English!
Barry: What's, erm... What's Bombay Kartoffeln? (Bombay potatoes)
Oz: Here. Here, give us them [Takes the menus from the others.] I'll handle this. How, Sabu! Come here!
Second waiter: [Comes to take their order] Ja?
Oz: Never mind them. Look, we want two beers, right?
Second waiter: [Writes down] Zwei Bier.
Oz: [Pointing to Barry and Moxey] Jug of water for these two.
Second waiter: Ja, ein bisschen Wasser.
Oz: Yeah, Savvy? And, er, four chicken curries with rice.
Second waiter: [Confused] Curry? Rice?
Oz: Aye! Curry rice. That's it. Mit chicken. Yer kna? Chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows.]
Second waiter: Ja, ja. Ich verstehe alles. Danke schön. (Yes, yes, I understand it all. Thank you very much.) [Leaves.]
Oz: Right, so, there y'are. He spoke English all the time. [Dennis just looks wearily at Oz.]

[Neville and Bomber stay in the hut. Neville opens a can of beer while Bomber looks at a photo in his wallet.]

Neville: Cheers, Bomb.
Bomber: ...Cheers, Neville.
Neville: There must be some way I can save a bit more of me money.
Bomber: Aye. This is it. Sitting in at night, feeling bloody miserable. A working man's entitled to his leisure, Neville. He shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Neville: Aye, I know, I know. It's just... if I earned a bit more, yer kna... I wouldn't feel so guilty about going out with the lads.
Bomber: Don't be so sure. Bomber's first law of economics is, the more income he gives me, the more I live beyond it. [Neville chuckles.] Perhaps you could do with a little spare-time job. A bit of moonlighting.
Neville: [Sighs] Fat chance. [Walks over to Bomber's bed.] Anyway, what are you doin' in tonight, Bomb? You're not saving as well, are ye?
Bomber: [Sighs] Not exactly. Bomber just needs to think a bit. That's all.
Neville: I don't wanna pry, Bomb, but, er... if there's any problem, yer kna?
Bomber: [Holds up the photo in the wallet] She's the problem. [Neville takes the photo.] Tracy, my sixteen-year-old.
Neville: What's the matter, like?
Bomber: She ran away from home.
Neville: Oh, no.
Bomber: It might be nothing, of course. She... left a note. It didn't say she ran off with a used car salesman, or some beat group.
Neville: So what are you gonna do? Phone the police?
Bomber: The wife already did that this morning. If we haven't heard anything by Sunday, I'll have to go back.
Neville: Well, look. I'll have a word with the lads, and we'll have a whip-round for your plane ride.
Bomber: Thanks, Neville, but don't do that. Don't want everyone with long faces.
Neville: No, I suppose not. [Goes back to his beer] Hey, d'you fancy a beer over the club?
Bomber: I thought you were trying to save your money.
Neville: Well... I am, but, erm... it doesn't seem that important now.

[Back at the Indian, the lads tuck in to some poppadoms.]

Barry: You see, fellas, the thing about Indian food is, right, that it's very, very, very low in carbohydrate. So that, combined with the various herbs and spices used in the cooking process, it all makes up for a very, very healthy diet, you see?
Oz: [Holding a stein of beer] Oh, aye? So how come they're all so skinny, then?
Dennis: They're not skinny. They're wiry, man, like whippets.
Moxey: [To Oz, pointing at his stomach] Yeah, that's what you'd be like you'd be without that ale gut.
Oz: [Glances at his beer belly] Hey, hey! This is all muscle, this, son. Yer kna, like the stuff between your lugs? [The second waiter arrives with their meal.] Ah, here we go! Four steamin' hot chicken curries!
Dennis: Oz, er, far be it from me to cast aspersions on your undoubted talent as a mime artist, but, er... that's not chicken. It's prawn. [Picks up a prawn]
Oz: Prawn?!
Dennis: Ah, yer kna, man. Prawn. [Squawks like a chicken and flaps his elbows. Moxey laughs]
Oz: [To Moxey] What are ye laughin' at?

[The following Monday, Bomber returns home to his wife as she's heard nothing. He comes through the front door.]

Bomber: [Calling out to his wife] Patsy? [She's in the living room, going over the photo album.]
Patsy: Bomber... [Puts the photo album down and rushes into the hall.] Oh, Bomber. I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.]
Bomber: All right, girl. All right. Is there any news at all?
Patsy: [On the verge of tears] No. Nothing. The police come round last night, after you phoned. They wanted a photo of her.
Bomber: Well, they're onto something.
Patsy: No. It was just routine, they said.
Bomber: [Softly] Oh, come on. Some keen-eyed young copper's probably spotted her even now.
Patsy: Oh, God, I wish they had! [Breaks down in tears] I wish they had...
Bomber: [Comforting Patsy] It'll be all right. What about a nice cup of tea, huh? [She just about manages to stop crying.] The young 'uns gone to school?
Patsy: Yeah, you just missed them. They said they'd come back dinner time to see you. [Goes over to the kitchen door.] Well, go on, then. Sit yourself down, I'll make the tea.

[Back in Germany, Neville rushes to the site.]

Dennis: [To Oz] Take this man's name, Oz. He's late.
Neville: I couldn't get the bed off me back this morning. I dunno what's the matter with us! I'm never usually this bad of a Monday morning.
Dennis: What time did you come in last night, like? You must have been late 'cos I was in bed at midnight, you weren't there.
Neville: It's just as well, isn'it? Or else the lads might talk.
Dennis: Just answer the question, eh?
Neville: I dunno. Half one?
Dennis: Half one? What were you doing 'til half one?
Neville: I was out. In town. Walkin', like.
Dennis: Walkin', like?
Neville: Aye.
Dennis: Aye, well, I suppose it's one way of savin' up money.
Neville: Aye, and keepin' fit. [To Oz] Hey, hoy us that bolster, will you, Oz? [Oz doesn't respond.] Oz? [Goes over and picks it up himself] Give us that bolster, man! [To Dennis] What's the matter with him? Did he fall out of the wrong side of the coffin?
Dennis: Aye, well, y'see, Oz reckons that you're letting the hut spirit down by goin' off on yer own, so as a mark of his disapproval, he's sent you to Coventry. Or whatever the German equivalent of Coventry is!
Oz: Dresden.

[Back in Bristol, Bomber goes over the photo album. Patsy brings in the tea.]

Patsy: Here we are. [Gives Bomber a mug.]
Bomber: Thanks, my love. What did this note of Tracy's say, then?
Patsy: Just says... [Picks up the note] "Nobody cares about me here, so I'm going somewhere else. Don't worry." [She gives the note to Bomber.]
Bomber: What does she mean "nobody cares"?
Patsy: I don't know. [Sits in an armchair.]
Bomber: The two of you haven't been rucking, have you?
Patsy: Bomber, we hardly see enough of each other to say hello, never mind have a ruck. I'm so busy, we only meet in the kitchen at breakfast and teatime. Evenings, she's doing her homework and I'm asleep in this armchair from exhaustion! If she had something on her mind, I'd be a fat lot of use to her. [Sighs] But then, I'm the only one she's got at home now.
Bomber: Oh, I thought this'd wind up my end of the table.
Patsy: And why shouldn't it? If you'd been here instead of in Germany, none of this would've happened.
Bomber: If I'd have been here instead of in Germany, there wouldn't be an 'ere. Them bloody bailiffs'd have us all out by now. [Patsy sighs] You don't think I enjoy workin' abroad, do you?
Patsy: Not much(!)
Bomber: Being separated from you and the kids is the price I have to pay for keepin' our heads above water.
Patsy: Life of Riley, that's what you lead out there, Bomber, and don't think I know that!
Bomber: [Gets up] Patsy, for pity's sake! Our daugher's gone missing, and listen to us. Now, I know you've got a lot on your plate, girl. Christ knows I do. But if I were to come back here to go on the dole, I'd drag you all under with me.
Patsy: I'm sorry. [Bomber sits down] I'm so worried, I've got to take it out on someone.
Bomber: I know, girl. I know.

[Back at the site, Wayne jumps down some scaffolding to join Barry.]

Barry: All right, Wayne?
Wayne: I might be, son. Look. [Points to a teenage girl at the gate of the site looking in. She looks about sixteen years old.]
Barry: Oh, I see. Yeah. While we ordinary mortals have to put up with a cup of coffee and a bar of Toblerone, Wayne's idea of tiffin is entirely different.
Wayne: Yeah, well, son. She's been hanging around for half an hour, so she must want something, eh?
Barry: I've never heard of rock groupies, Wayne, but never cement groupies.
Wayne: Yeah, Barry. I'll use that as my opening line. [Walks towards the girl]
Barry: I wonder if you can grow bromide.

[While Barry walks off, Wayne approaches the girl.]

Wayne: Guten Tag! Eh? Wie gehts?
Tracy: Sorry, I... don't speak German.
Wayne: Heyyy, you're a long way from home, ain't ya? What is it? A netball tour of Europe or something, darling?
Tracy: No, I've come to see my dad. He works here.
Wayne: Oh yeah?
Tracy: "Bomber" Busbridge he's called. I'm Tracy.
Wayne: [His face falls, knowing what Bomber would do to him if he tried it on with her] Oh... I've got news for you, Tracy. He's not here, is he? No, he took off last night, back to Bristol to try and find you.
Tracy: Oh, bugger it!
Wayne: Yeah. Um... [Looks into the site] Look, you can't hang around here, love. There's hordes of randy Turks on this site. Come up here. [They meet at the gate, Wayne gives Tracy some money] Take this, right? Now, there's a bar down the road. You can get a nice cup of coffee and a game of pinball. Er, if you hang on there 'til one o'clock, me and some of your dad's mates'll come and sort it out, alright?
Tracy: Ta.
Wayne: All right. [She starts to walk off, but then stops and turns round.]
Tracy: What's your name, then?
Wayne: Wayne, ain't it
Tracy: Thank you, Wayne. See you at one, then! [Having taken a shine to Wayne, she heads for the bar]
Wayne: Mind how you go, love(!) [Heads back on site.]

[While Dennis, Oz and Neville take a break from their work, Wayne rushes to them]

Dennis: All reet, Wayne?
Wayne: Bomber's daughter's here.
Oz: Where? Here?
Wayne: Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!
Oz: Where is she?

[In the bar, Tracy has attracted the attention of a young worker while she plays pinball. Dennis, Wayne, Oz and Neville enter.]

Tracy: Hello, Wayne.
Wayne: Hello.
Oz: [Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.
Wayne: Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.
Oz: Hello!
Dennis: Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.
Oz: [Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".
Dennis: Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?
Oz: Right, yeah.
Dennis: [To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?
Tracy: Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.
Oz: Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]
Dennis: [Sotto voce to Oz] Coke.
Oz: Well, she's just said...
Dennis: Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]
Neville: So, how'd you get here, then, pet?
Tracy: I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]
Dennis: Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.
Tracy: Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!
Dennis: Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?
Tracy: There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.
Dennis: Mm-hmm?
Wayne: Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?
Dennis: Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.
Tracy: Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?
Oz: [Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!
Tracy: Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?
Neville: The pool's empty just now, pet.
Wayne: Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?
Dennis: Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?
Oz: [Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!

[Dennis, Oz, Neville and Wayne smuggle Bomber's daughter Tracy onto the site past various site workers and past Herr Ulrich in the site office. They finally reach the hut.]

Dennis: Right. Take Tracy inside, Wayne.
Wayne: Here, love, come on. [Tracy enters, followed by Wayne. Dennis shuts the door behind them.]
Dennis: Right, Neville, listen. Nip over and warn Barry and Moxey we've got a lady guest, right? That means no swearing, no swanning around bare-arsed, no... [Quieter] No breaking wind, right, unless it's underneath the sheets. Okay? [Neville rushes off.] All that aplies to you, Oz. In fact, especially to you.
Oz: All right, all right, I know how to go on, man.
Dennis: And another thing, an' all, let's have all those pornographic pin-ups off yer locker, right?
Oz: That's not pornography, Dennis. That's art!
Dennis: Fräulein Oktober's art?
Oz: Aye.
Dennis: Look, I'm gan out to phone Bomber, right? Just get them off!

[Bomber on the phone to Dennis]

Bomber: ...Dennis?
Patsy: Dennis?
Bomber: [Breathes a sigh of relief] Oh thank God for that! [To Patsy] She's safe.
Patsy: What?!
Bomber: [On the phone] Yes? ...Yes? ...I think that's the best as well.
Patsy: [Excited] Oh, Bomber...
Bomber: [On the phone] I'll head straight back there now. Cheers, Dennis. And thanks. [Puts the phone down.]
Patsy: Whatever's happened?
Bomber: You'll never guess what. Tracy turned up this morning, looking for me.
Patsy: In Germany?!
Bomber: Got all the way over there by herself!
Patsy: [Relieved] Oh! [Hugs Bomber] Oh, my God! [Sits down, then realises something] Oh... will she be all right?
Bomber: She'll be find, don't worry. She's staying in the hut with Dennis and Neville. [Suddenly realises] ...and Wayne... and Oz!

[While Oz smuggles Tracy out so she can use the toilet.]

Dennis: Right, lads! I reckon we should go down the club.
Wayne: Eh, hold on! What are we gonna do about Tracy, eh? We can't take her down the club! Apart from six geezers and one bird, lookin' a bit dodgy, mate! She can probably drink us right under the table!
Dennis: I know, and that's exactly, why you're gonna stay here and look after her.
Wayne: ME?!
Neville: Wayne?!
Dennis: Yes, Wayne. Look man, you've got much more in common with her than anybody else. I mean things like, er, music.. and hair... earrings...
Neville: Hold on, Dennis. I don't mean to be rude, but is Wayne really the right bloke to be babysitting a sixteen-year-old girl?
Barry: Yeah, it'll be like putting the rat in charge of the cheese larder!
Wayne: I don't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by you lot!
Dennis: Look man, I can't do it, can I? I'm old enough to be her father. I mean, Neville, he'd be the obvious choice, but he's going out again, isn't he? I mean... Barry and Moxey would bore the poor girl to death with their herb talk, wouldn't they, eh? And guarding a bog door's about the limit of Oz's responsibility! So that just leaves you, son!
Wayne: Yeah, well I can see your reasoning, Den, but look, you can't have helped but notice that Tracy's a bit of a... you know, she's a little bit of a come-on, isn't she?
Dennis: Yes, I know! And who better to cope with her than a man of the world like you, Wayne, eh?
Moxey: I've got it. It's like them American TV films in there, you know? Where they get an ex-con to go after with the bad guys. 'Cos he's the one who knows how they think.
Dennis: Moxey, you've just hit the nail on the head, son!
Wayne: Oh, well thank you for that tribute, Moxey(!) ...So you all trust me then, is that it?
Dennis: Course we trust you. Look, I mean... You know that she's Bomber's daughter, don't you?
Wayne: Yeah...
Dennis: And you know that we've put our complete trust and faith in you? And you know that, er, if you lay so much as one finger on her, we'll have your plums on a skewer.

[Later that evening, all the lads have gone to the bar except Wayne, who's been tasked with looking after Tracy.]

Wayne: [Calling out to Barry] Thanks a lot, mate. I owe you one. [Barry revs his bike and rides off. He's delivered some McDonald's.] Here we go, love. The perfect TV dinner. All we need now is a TV.
Tracy: I didn't know they had McDonald's in Germany.
Wayne: Oh, yeah. They're everywhere, love. Today Germany, tomorrow the vorld! Right, that's eine Große Mac mit French fries, courtesy of Barry the Radish and his delivery bike.
Tracy: Ta. Er... I hope I didn't upset him, calling him that.
Wayne: [Getting a beer] Nah, you're all right, love. He's used to a lot worse.
Tracy: Don't I get one?
Wayne: What would your dad say, eh?
Tracy: "Get stuck in, girl", I should think!
Wayne: [Gives her the beer he just opened] Go on, then. Just the one, though, eh? [Goes to his locker and gets another beer.]
Tracy: [Divvying up the food] I expect you think I'm a right prat, going on about that hotel. I just didn't twig that you all actually lived in here.
Wayne: Er... no. We find it a bit hard to believe ourselves, love. [Pulls up a chair and sits backwards on it]
Tracy: That was my mum's fault, see. She told me dad was over here having a whale of a time.
Wayne: Oh? Now you know different, don't you? I mean, we go out for the odd drink and the occasional meal an' that, but it's only so's we can get out of this place, though.
Tracy: [By this point now reclining on Wayne's bed] I, er... suppose you see a lot of girls.
Wayne: [Pauses] No, not really. Just three or four a week, you know. I reckon it's the earring and the accent they go for. Well, it can't be anything else, can it?
Tracy: Oh, I dunno. I think you're very attractive.
Wayne: Yeah? Huh... I don't think you should be talking to your babysitter like that, Tracy.
Tracy: Don't you fancy me, then?
Wayne: Yeah, course I do. Er... it just so happens you're the daughter of a much valued workmate, and I'm under oath, ain't I, apart from the threat of castration, to, er, behave myself?
Tracy: Nobody would know though, would they?
Wayne: Look, Tracy, can we drop this, love?
Tracy: [Innocently] Drop what?
Wayne: This, er, Lolita act. [Gets up and takes his chair away]
Tracy: It's not an act!
Wayne: Of course it is. [Takes his food off the bed and puts it on the table] I know when a bird's for real or not. And your life is straight out of Tracie or My Guy or whatever you call them teenage magazines. [Tracy stares down at her food] What I'm trying to say is, love, is that you're a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl. I mean, you're not a raver, you're not a heavy drinker, or a foul-mouthed slagette. [Turns away from her, frustrated] So why come on like one? Now just eat your chips!
Tracy: [Sobbing] 'Cos it helps get me noticed! My mum's too busy with the other kids to listen to me, and my dad's never around! What am I supposed to do? Grow up by myself?
Wayne: [Turns back towards Tracy] Look, Tracy, none of us is here to get away from our families, you know. ...Well, Oz is. And there's Dennis's problem to a certain extent. But not Bomber! [Goes to the bed and sits next to Tracy and comforts her] He's doing it all for you, sweetheart. And... you can make it all worthwhile, couldn't you, by making him feel proud of you?
Tracy: I know. I don't really want to hurt him. He's a great bloke. I suppose I just want to be sure he still cares about me.
Wayne: Yeah, all right. [Gets up off the bed.] I don't think there's much doubt about that.
Bomber: [Rushes into the hut] Tracy!
Tracy: Dad!
Bomber: Are you all right, love? [They hug. Wayne puts his jacket on. his babysitting job done.]
Wayne: [To Tracy] Hey, now you tell your dad exactly what you told me, eh? [To both] And I'll see you down the bar for a quick lemonade, all right?
Bomber: Thanks, Wayne.
Wayne: Any time. [Leaves the hut. Bomber and Tracy hug again.]

[The lads, with Tracy, but minus Neville, return to the Indian restaurant. Tracy's choice.]

Waiter: Guten Abend.
Bomber: Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?
Waiter: Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]
Oz: Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]
Tracy: [To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?
Bomber: Very nice. Very nice.
Wayne: [To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.
Moxey: Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]
Barry: Ha-ha. Very funny(!)
Dennis: Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?
Oz: All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]
Dennis: Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!
Wayne: [Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!
Neville: [Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!
Bomber: Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]
Dennis: [Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...
All: Goodness gracious me!
Neville: [Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!
Dennis: What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?
Neville: Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.
Wayne: Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?
Neville: Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?
Oz: So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?
Neville: Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.
Oz: I still dunno where Minorca is.
Neville: How do you think I feel? Neither do I!
Dennis: How much do ya need, then?
Neville: That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.
Dennis: Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?
Oz: Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?
All: [Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!
Wayne: [Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!
Oz: Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]

The Accused[edit]

Neville: Just got up an hour ago. Slept like a log.
Dennis: Woke up in the fireplace, eh?

[Neville is accused of assaulting a German woman called Bettina, whom he escorted home. Bettina has given her statement to the police.]

Police Captain: [Reading back her statement] " mehn ich loszukommen versuchte, desto gewaltsamer wurde er. Er schlug mir auf den Kopf und schlug auf mein Gesicht gegen die Hauswand. Er hörte auf, als ich zu Boden fiel und weinte. Er trat noch mal nach mir, auch ins Gesicht bevor er wegrannte. Und er schrie an meinen Nachbarn nitchs anzufangen. Ich versichere alle Angaben der Wahrheit ansprechen nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen gemacht zu haben." ("...the more I tried to get away, the more violent he became. He hit my head and hit my face against a wall. He stopped when I fell to the ground and cried. He kicked me again, including in the face, before he ran away. Then he told my neighbours not to interfere. I assure you that I address all statements of truth to the best of my knowledge and belief.")
[He hands the statement back to Bettina to sign]
Police Captain: Bevor sie unterschreiben, möchte ich dass sie es noch einmal durchlesen. Lesen Sie es sorgfältig und lassen Sie sich Zeit. Vielleicht möchten Sie etwas ändern oder vielleicht ist etwas Ihrer Aufmerksamkeit entgangen. Möchten Sie einen Kaffee? (Before you sign, I want you to read it over again. Read it carefully and take your time. Maybe you want to change something, or maybe something has escaped your attention. Would you like a coffee?)
Bettina: Ja, bitte. (Yes, please.)
Police Captain: Ich lasse welchen kommen. (I'll have it brought to you.) [He opens the door to his office.] Wie gesagt... Lassen Sie sich Zeit. (Like I said... take your time.)

[Meanwhile, Neville is in an interview room. The Captain comes in.]

Neville: [Frightened] Please... Why am I here? [The Captain doesn't answer] Me hier, Herren, why?
Police Captain: Ich glaube das doch wohl vollkommen klar. (I think it's quite clear why.)
Neville: I don't understand German. Doesn't anybody here speak English? Will somebody tell us what's going on?
Police Captain: Ihr scheint immer noch nicht zu wissen was Sie angerichtet haben. Letzte nacht, warten Sie das junge Mädchen nach Hause. Sie versuchen sich ihr sexuell zu nähern. Wenn sie ablehnte, worden Sie aggresiv un greifen Sie gewaltsam an! (You still don't seem to know what you've done. Last night, you walked that young girl home. You made sexual advances on her, and when she refused, you became aggressive and violently attacked her!)
Neville: [Even more frightened] I don't understand...

[Back at the site office, Dennis meets with Herr Grunwald. Dagmar is listening in the other office.]

Grunwald: The police say that the girl... she was assaulted, beaten up.
Dennis: Yeah, well, anybody could see that. What's that got to do with Neville?
Grunwald: You saw what happened. She pointed him out. Last night, she say he beat her up.
Dennis: That's bloody madness, man. Look, yer know young Neville, you know he's not capable of a thing like that! Don't yer?!
Grunwald: It would surprise me, yes I admit.
Dennis: It bastard should!
Grunwald: It is in police hands, all right?
Dennis: No, it's not all right! Look, that young lad's down that cop shop, right? He's alone, he'll be scared stiff! He'll need a lawyer.Now you give me an hour off work, I'll get down there and try to sort it out.
Grunwald: ...all right. He should have help. [Dennis turns and leaves the office.]
Dagmar: Wait for me! [Gets up.]
Grunwald: Wo denken Sie, wo Sie hingehen? (Where do you think you're going?)
Dagmar: Wir brauchen jemand zum dolmetschen. (We'll need someone to interpret.)
Grunwald: Sie haben Ihre Arbeit. (You have work to do.)
Dagmar: Ich geh' mit ihm. (I'm going with him.) [She leaves her office.]

[In the interview room, Neville and the Captain are with an interpreter typist getting Neville's statement]

Neville: ...I dropped her off at her apartment. [The typist writes that up.]
Police Captain: You go with girl?
Neville: Pardon?
Police Captain: [To the typist] Fragen Sie, ob er zusammen mit den Mädchen aus dem Taxi gesteigen ist. (Ask him if he got out of the taxi with the girl.)
Typist: [To Neville] You went with her... to her apartment?
Neville: Well, she asked us to. She said it was dark and she asked us to take her in. But I only went part of the way. Then... [The Captain gets up.] ...she asked us inside, but I said, "No, I had to get back." So, I left her and went to find another cab.
Police Captain: [To the typist] Fragen Sie wie lange es gedauert hat bevor das andere Taxi bekam. (Ask him how long it took before another taxi came.)
Typist: [To Neville] How long did it take you to get another cab?
Neville: Only about ten minutes. I was back in the hut soon after.
Typist: [To the Captain] Er hat ungefähr zehn Minuten und ist kurz nach zurück in der Baracke gegangen. (It took him ten minutes, then he went back to his hut shortly after.)
Police Captain: Das is Zeit genug. (That's enough time.)
Neville: [To the typist] What did he say?
Typist: He said it was long enough.
Neville: Long enough for what? I was only with her a minute at the most. (The Captain takes the statement from the typewriter) It took us about ten minutes to find a cab. You can check the times with the barman, and all me mates, and both cabbies. [The Captain and the typist leave the room.]

[Dennis and Dagmar are waiting. Dagmar has a word with the Captain behind closed doors. She returns to Dennis.]

Dennis: What did he say?
Dagmar: He said he wants to question you and everybody who was with Neville that night. He's coming back to the building site with us.
Dennis: Well, can I not go and see the lad?
Dagmar: Please, Dennis. It'll not help.

[Dennis and Helmut go to the station to speak to Neville's lawyer]

Hans: [To Police Officer] Ein Kollege von dem Neville Hope wartet draussen auf mich. (A colleague of Neville Hope is waiting for me outside.) [He goes into the waiting room] Ah, hello. Hans Bauer.
Dennis: Dennis Patterson. [They shake hands.] You're the chap I spoke to on the phone. You're Neville's...
Hans: I'm his defence. If it goes that far.
Dennis: Thank God you speak good English.
Hans: [Laughs] The Dusseldorf judiciary knows that only too well. They give me many Engländer... oh, I'm sorry, I mean Englishmen. Oh, and Scots too. Football hooligans - my butter and bread.
Dennis: I've brought a German friend just in case.
Helmut: Helmut Fischer.
Hans: Bauer. Angenehm. (My pleasure.) [They shake hands.]
Helmut: Ganz meinerseits. (The pleasure's all mine. )
Hans: Dann nehmen wir doch mal einen Augenblick hier Platz. (Let's take a seat for a moment.) [They sit down]
Dennis: What did you mean, "If it goes that far"?
Hans: I think there is not a case. I've now seen copies of the girl's statement and also the report from the police log. I'll give you translations, of course. You'll see, there are many holes. However, I must now do some homework of my own, just in case. See witnesses, verify facts, et cetera, et cetera.
Dennis: Well, I can bring the lads in whenever you like.
Hans: Oh, good. Yes, please.
Helmut: Aber sollten wir nicht über all das weiter reden, wenn Neville entlassen ist? (Shouldn't we keep talking about all this after Neville is released?)
Hans: Damit haben Sie natürlich vollkommen recht. Sicher. (Of course, you're absolutely right. Certainly.) [To Dennis] Oh, he says maybe we should discuss all this after we get Neville out.
Dennis: I got that, yeah. That's a good idea.
Hans: Er, did you bring the... the surety?
Dennis: Yeah, it's all here. [Helmut produces a bag full of money and gives it to Dennis.] It'll just need a lot of counting. [He gives the bag to Hans.]
Hans: Oh! Did you win all this in a poker school?
Dennis: No, no. We had a whip-round.
Hans: ...I'm sorry?
Helmut: Die Jungs haben zusammengelegt. (The guys at work chipped in.)
Hans: Oh, ausgezeichnet! Das bedeutet doch wohl, daß... (Oh, excellent! That means that...) Neville has many good friends, nicht wahr? (Hasn't he?)

[Neville is released on bail. He's in a taxi with Dennis and Helmut. Dennis lights a cigarette.]

Dennis: D'ya wanna stop for a drink?
Neville: [Sighs] No. Just let's get back, eh?
Dennis: Eh, we would've had you out earlier, yer kna, if we'd had the money.
Neville: [Still shaken] Mr. Bauer said the lads had had a whip-round, like.
Dennis: Right, and you can thank Helmut and all the Erics for that.
Neville: [To Helmut] I cannae thank you enough! [He starts crying.]
Dennis: Howay, bonny lad. Get it out of your system, and then you can face the lads. Hey, they're all dyin' to see you, Nev.
Neville: [Fighting back the tears] I never thought I'd... miss Oz!

[Back at the hut, Dennis goes through the police report with the lads and Helmut.]

Dennis: Bauer's right. It's full of holes. Look! According to this police report, they saw this girl, this Bettina, near the street where she lives. The patrol car spotted her, noticed she was in distress, but she ran away. They followed her on foot and caught up with her.
Oz: So what exactly is the point?
Dennis: Look, she ran away, right? She didn't report it. She didn't go to the police or register a complaint or whatever they call it.
Wayne: Right. so when she sees the law, does a runner.
Dennis: Absolutely.
Barry: Hmmm... but see, the prosecution might argue that the girl evaded the police because she didn't want the aggro, like. Oz, you see, most rape cases, they don't get reported, you know, because the victim don't want the stigma.
Oz: Oh, aye?
Dennis: Yeah, fair enough, Barry, fair enough. But the other alternative is, she was, er... trying to protect somebody.
Neville: The boyfriend!
Bomber: Boyfriend?
Neville: The bloke she was with in the bar.
Bomber: There were shaggy-haired louts round her.
Barry: Ah! Nev's right. There was, there was one bloke in particular, right. She was having a right ding-dong with him, right? He looked very beady when Nev went off with her.
Wayne: [Turns to Neville] Ah, that's why she tried to pull you, then. To get up the other geezer's nose.
Bomber: You mean it weren't Nev's irresistible charm? [Oz and Bomber chuckle]
Helmut: Well... listen, I get friends. We find these... who you look for.
Oz: [Gets up] That's more like it! Let's find the bastards and give 'em a good...
Helmut: No, I think...
Oz: Aye, I think so!
Dennis: You just stay put, Oz!
Bomber: [Stands up in front of Oz] Pipe down, prannet! [Oz sits back down again.]
Helmut: We know the bars, speak language. Ask questions.
Bomber: You need someone to identify them.
Barry: [Gets up] You and me go, Bomb. We'll know them.
Bomber: Right, by Jove. [He, Barry and Helmut leave the hut]
Neville: I think they had a jeep.
Moxey: I'll make some coffee. [Gets up.]
Dennis: [To Bomber, Barry and Helmut] Good luck, lads!
Wayne: I'm going for a shower. Fancy a couple of jars later, Nev?
Neville: Right. You're on, Wayne. [Wayne leaves. Neville turns to Dennis] A thing like this really lets you know who your friends are, eh?
Dennis: You're right there, it does that. Listen, er... there's something I've got to tell you.
Oz: [Gets up again] Look, I'd better get over the bar as well. I'll see you later, lads! [Oz makes a hasty exit.]
Neville: ...What?
Dennis: Brenda. She's coming over.
Neville: What?!
Dennis: She knows all about it.
Neville: How did she find out?
Dennis: You didn't ring on Monday, yer see. She panicked, she rang the site... Oz was passing, like.
Neville: [Gets up, annoyed.] Oz! I might have bloody known!
Dennis: Look, it wasn't entirely Oz's fault, Neville! Yer know, I mean, he was caught on the spot. I mean, he couldn't explain why you weren't available without her thinking you were ill or something. Anyway, I rang her straight back. But she was adamant. Anyway, she missed today's flight, but she'll be over first thing in the morning.
Neville: They should've kept me inside.
Dennis: What for, bonny lad?
Neville: 'Cos I'm gonna kill Oz!

[Brenda arrives in Dusseldorf. She is unpacking her bags in her hotel room when there is a knock at the door. She answers it. It's Dennis.]

Dennis: Hello, pet. [Enters the room. Brenda closes the door.]
Brenda: Oh, Dennis!
Dennis: [Hugs Brenda] I know, I know! There's no need to fret. It's all over with. He's a free man.
Brenda: What?
Dennis: Well, he's concluding formalities, but all charges are dropped. They got the other bloke.
Brenda: Honest?
Dennis: Don't look surprised! You don't think Neville did it, did ya?
Brenda: No, of course not.
Dennis: [Sits on the bed] Oh, hey, some of our German friends, they found the bloke and turned him in. I think they extracted their own confession. He didn't look to healthy!
Brenda: [Sits next to Dennis] Well, what exactly happened, then?
Dennis: Well, er... this bloke, you see, he was like the boyfriend. Well, he got the needle when he saw...
Brenda: Neville take her home.
Dennis: Well he [her boyfriend] beat her up, you see. Then the police saw her condition and she fingered Nev.
Brenda: He did take her home, didn't he?
Dennis: Look, Brenda, the point is...
Brenda: That is the point, Dennis! Of course I knew that Neville didn't do the things they said he did. But he took that girl home! He went with her!
Dennis: He didn't! Look, she imposed herself on him. She shared his cab. [Brenda stands up to put her coat in the wardrobe] Look, you know young Neville, he's so polite he'd give Hitler a ride! You're gonna make me very angry, Brenda.
Brenda: I what?
Dennis: If you can't see how much that lad cares for you, you're a very silly lass! He cares so much it hurts! It hurts him to be away from home. It hurts every minute he has to spend over here, sacrificing everything he wants, so that you can enjoy something better in the future. Look, he's the only bugger in Germany who isn't on the pull!
Brenda: You're his friend!
Dennis: And you're his wife, and you don't seem to know that lad as well as I do! Look, the reason he got into trouble is because he didn't go with the girl! If he'd been like the rest of us he'd have gone, oh aye, he'd have done the business, she'd have been content. Nobody would have been none the wiser! But he's not like the rest of us. He gave her the elbow! She got vindictive. He didn't want to know. That's what happened!
Brenda: ...I suppose so.
Dennis: ...Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... sound off at you like that. It's just... well you two, you've got a marvellous marriage. And I appreciate that more than most because mine's down the toilet.
Brenda: Oh, you're right, Dennis! Well, what happens now?
Dennis: Well let's go and fetch the lad, eh?

Private Lives[edit]

[It's Saturday morning. Oz is fast asleep and snoring. Wayne wakes up and puts on his dressing down.]

Neville: [Stirring] Mornin', Wayne.
Wayne: Same to you, sleepy 'ead. [Gets out of bed.]
Neville: What's the time?
Wayne: Nine o'clock, thereabouts, and it's come round again, hann'it? Never fails.
Neville: What?
Wayne: The weekend, me ol' fruit. Once again, we can put on our clean gear and join the human race. [Grabs his towel and heads for the door]
Neville I find weekends the most depressing.
Wayne: [As he exits the hut] Don't be daft, it's the reason we're here!
Neville: Not me. [Wayne leaves for the bathroom portacabin] Weekends are the hardest part. [Notices Oz snoring loudly, then pulls the sheet over his head.]

[Wayne enters the bathroom portacabin and puts his washbag on the side. The toilet cubicle is already in use. Wayne glances at the footwear of the user.]

Wayne: That you, is it, Moxey?
Moxey: [From inside the cubicle] Yeah, that's right.
Wayne: Mmm, thought I could recognise your elegant footwear(!)
Moxey: What's wrong with 'em? They're very c-comfy, you know.
Wayne: Yeah, but they're hardly the height of fashion, are they?
Moxey: I like them.
Wayne: [Getting out a flannel and shaving foam] I suppose if you're in there, I'd better make other arrangements, eh?
Moxey: I think you'd b-better. I think it's the sauerkraut.
Wayne: Yeah, they can play havoc with a bloke's system, they can.
Moxey: Hey, I've got a joke for ya!
Wayne: Oh, not before breakfast, Moxey, please(!)
Moxey: Oh no, it's really good, this! It's about this Irishman, y'know. [Wayne applies shaving foam to his face.] An' he's dead sick about all the Irish jokes goin' around, y'know, bein' Irish himself, like. So he decides he's goin' to take English lessons, y'know, learn how to speak English proper.
Wayne: Oh, like what you do, is that it, eh? [Washes shaving foam from his hands.]
Moxey: Oh come on! It's really good! After a few weeks, he thinks he's good enough to, y'know, go out in the world and try it out. [Wayne looks in his washbag] So he goes into this shop, and he says to the bloke behind the counter... [Wayne shakes his head and leaves the cabin] ...he says, "I'll have a copy of the Telegraph, one of the Observer, and one of the Times." And the bloke behind the counter says "You're Irish, aren't you?" And the Irishman says, "How'd you know that?" He says, "This is fish and chip shop." Do you get it? [Silence, as Moxey doesn't realise that Wayne has left] I thought it was funny... Hey, did you hear about the bloke who swallowed his glass eye?

[Wayne returns to the hut as Neville puts the kettle on.]

Wayne: [Pointing to his face, covered in shaving foam] Forgot me razor. [Looks in his locker]
Neville: Where is everybody?
Wayne: Well, Bomber's gone off fishing with a couple of the Erics, and Barry's working on the bike. [Gets his razor] Moxey's on the bog, so I wouldn't make any plans if I were you.
Neville: Aye, but where's Dennis? [Wayne leaves the hut again.]
Oz: [Now awake] I saw Dennis a bit earlier.
Neville: Earlier?
Oz: Aye, woke us up clumpin' around.
Neville: Where was he goin'?
Oz: I divvn't kna, he had a rolled-up towel under his arm but he had all his clothes on.
Neville: Yeah?
Oz: Aye, looked like he was gannen swimmin'.
Neville: Den? Swimming?
Oz: Well he wasn't goin' sunbathing, was he? Not in this craphole! Any tea on the go?
Neville: Aye, kettle's on. [Has a sudden thought.] Aye, Oz, what a great idea!
Oz: [Yawns] What?
Neville: Swimming! I never thought of it! Let's gan the baths, eh?
Oz: ...What for?
Neville: Well, it'll make a change, won't it? Bit of exercise. [Oz gets out of bed.] Summat to do at least.
Oz: I've ganna get me washin'.
Neville: Aye, okay, but after that let's gan to the baths. [Oz gets up] Well, it's summat to do, isn'it?
Oz: Well, we could do, but I haven't got a cossie.
Neville: Ey, we'll stop off into town and buy them.
Oz: [Standing by the stove trying to get warm] Howay, kettle.

[Back in the bathroom, Moxey is still telling his joke. Wayne comes back in and starts shaving.]

Moxey: ...So the doctor says, "I can't see a thing." [Flushes the toilet] And the bloke says, "That's funny, because I can see you very clearly!" [Leaves the cubicle]
Wayne: Ah yes. Very witty, son. Very droll.
Moxey: I still preferred the first one meself though.

Barry: Where have the lads gone?
Wayne: [Drying his hair] Swimming. Can you believe, hey?
Barry: Ahh, that's a good idea.
Wayne: Why?
Barry: Well, it's exercise, innit?
Wayne: It's madness, son. Madness!
Barry: No it's not.
Moxey: That Nev, he's into all them health things, isn't he?
Wayne: Yeah. Tried to get me jogging the other week. I says, "No way." Told him what happened to my brother-in-law.
Barry: What did happen?
Wayne: Well, he's into all that, in't he? You know, running, weights, calis-bleeding-thenics, whatever they call it. Mind you, you gotta bear in mind that bloke's a bit of a nutter, otherwise he wouldn't have married my sister, would he?
Barry: I don't know your sister, do I?
Wayne: Nah, you're well out of there, ain't ya, son? Anyhow, he goes jogging every weekend, don't he? He's got all the gear and that, you know, the Adidas tracksuit, headband. So I says to 'im, I says, "You'll do yourself an injury, you will". I was right, weren't I?
Barry: How'd you mean?
Wayne: Well, he only tries to jog across the red light at Catford Roundabout, don't he? Got hit by a juggernaut bound for the A2 to Dover. Laugh? I nearly bought me own beer!

[Barry gives Wayne a lift into town to learn more about chatting up women.]

Barry: In the sexual jungle, you're a predator you are, Wayne.
Wayne: I work alone, if that's what you mean. Don't go in mob-handed like the lads. All they do is booze and talk about it. By the time they've worked up the nerve to do summat, they're all too incapable.
Barry: Have you no desire to form a permanent attachment?
Wayne: Nah.
Barry: Until one day, though...
Wayne: Well, maybe.
Barry: I got engaged once. I think I still am in fact.
Wayne: What? Don't you know?
Barry: Well... I never broke it off officially, like. And she's still got the ring.
Wayne: D'you still see her?
Barry: No.
Wayne: Well, d'you write?
Barry: No.
Wayne: Does she write to you?
Barry: No.
Wayne: Do you care?
Barry: No, I don't like her very much.
Wayne: Why'd you get friggin' engaged then?
Barry: I forgot. Er, I think it was 'cos her dad had a spare season ticket for Wolverhampton Wanderers.
Wayne: Oh, well. Obviously. I mean, that could make a lad's heart sink, couldn't it(?)

[They go to a bar and sit outside.]

Barry: Am I... Am I really a radish, Wayne?
Wayne: Oh, don't have an identity crisis. Not on me day off, time's slipping by.
Barry: Well if I'm in your way, I should just, you know...
Wayne: No, I said I'd fix us up, didn't I? Now just bide your time. No need to panic. All you gotta realise is there's thousands of 'em out there. I mean, birds are like the Chinese army - once you've jumped a few, you think that's it for a while, and there's a whole new battalion comes over the hill.
Barry: I only want one.
Wayne: Yeah, well that's where you and me differ, son. I want the lot!
Barry: I've never been that ambitious meself.
Wayne: Barry... [Noticing two ladies sitting at a table behind Barry, smiling at them] I think our prayers have just been answered.
Barry: How'd you mean?
Wayne: Look behind ya. [Barry starts to turn] Don't look now! Show some cool.
Barry: Oh... [Turns awkwardly towards the ladies to get a glimpse, then back to Wayne] Oh aye, they're very, er, very tasty. What do we do now?
Wayne: Not us, son. You.
Barry: Me?!
Wayne: Yeah, you're the one that's gotta prove himself sooner or later. You have to show what you're made of. Now we've already had a flash.
Barry: Have we?
Wayne: Yeah, when they came in. [Winks] A bit of the old eye contact. Halfway there, aren't we? Now remember, don't go promising them the world, right? Or go through all that boring preamble. Just get straight to the point. Bit of dazzling repartee.
Barry: Straight to the point, like?
Wayne: Right. [Nods in the direction of the ladies.]
Barry: [Turns to the ladies] Hello. Er... would you like to come back to our hut? [Wayne facepalms]

[At the pool, Dagmar dives in and swims up to Dennis.]

Dennis: Hey, you're some swimmer, aren't ya?
Dagmar: At school I was even better. I won many prizes.
Dennis: Did you win a prize for English too?
Dagmar: Oh yes, of course.
Dennis: Just as well, isn'it? Otherwise we wouldn't have much to say to each other.
Dagmar: Ja? I'll just need to teach you German.
Dennis: Oh ey, I might have to be 'round a long time for that!
Dagmar: So?
Dennis: Suits me.
Dagmar: Me also.

[They move in for a kiss, but they are interruped by a loud shout as Oz takes a running jump into the pool. Dagmar ducks underwater to hide.]

Dennis: I don't believe it!
Neville: [Running down the side of the pool to Dennis] How, Den!
Dennis: What made you come here?
Neville: Oz seen you leaving with your towel, so we worked it out.
Dennis: Oh, terrific(!)
Oz: [Resurfaces, spitting out some water] How, Dennis! [Swims up to Dennis, swallowing more pool water as he goes. He notices Dagmar at the other side of the pool] Hey, isn't that the tart from the office?
Neville: Oh aye, it's Dagmar.
Dennis: [Covering his tracks] Aye, apparently she, er... comes here a lot, like, yer kna. I just, er... bumped into her. Just a coincidence, like.
Oz: [To Neville] Howay, then, get yerself in, Nev, man. It's lovely! [Neville dives in]
Neville: Aye, it's a great idea, this, Den!
Dennis: Isn't it(?) Aye.
Oz: Well I can't understand why you never told wor you were coming. [To Neville] Give you a race.
Neville: Right! [Neville and Oz swim off. Dennis signals to Dagmar that he'll ring her. Dagmar reciprocates and swims off.]

[Barry and Wayne pull up at some traffic lights next to a taxi. Wayne notices two females in flight attendant uniform on the back seat]

Wayne: Hey, there is a god, Barry! Cop them!
Barry: [Turns to look at the flight attendants] My goodness, air hostesses!
Wayne: Stewardesses they call themselves nowadays, ya nerk. [Knocks on the window. One of the flight attendants winds the window down.] D'you speak English?
Attendant: Yes.
Wayne: Thought you would in your job. Where are you from?
Attendant: Sweden.
Barry: [To himself] Sweden?
Wayne: I thought you were Swedish. Something about your flawless complextion told me that.
Attendant: Yes, but what do you want?
Wayne: Me? Oh, nothing. It's just that me and me chauffeur here are sort of strangers in a foreign land. Much like yourselves. Only we were feeling very depressed, and caught a glimpse of you two and it, well... just sorta lifted our hearts.
Attendant: [Not understanding] Just what?
Wayne: Made us feel... glad all over.
Barry: [To Wayne] What's happenin'?
Wayne: [To Barry] It's hard to tell, son. We're dealin' here with the Swedish mentality, which is pretty inscrutable at the best of times. [The two attendants chat to each other in Swedish]
Attendant: We are very flattered that you feel this way. [The traffic lights turn green and the taxi pulls away.]
Wayne: We're away, son. Follow that car! [Barry revs up the bike... which promptly stalls.] Come on!
Barry: All right, all right! [The taxi drives away]
Wayne: The lights have changed!
Barry: I know. Bloody hell!
Wayne: You friggin' radish, Barry!
Barry: Stop calling me that, please! [Barry finally restarts the bike and sets off.]
Wayne: You've lost 'em!
Barry: They took a left.
Wayne: If you lose 'em, I'll hang for you, Barry. I swear it, I'll hang for you!
Barry: I'll take a short cut.
Wayne: How?
Barry: I'll cut across there, look.
Wayne: Well, be careful, then. [They ride through a small park, down a slope...] Jesus Christ! [...and crash into a pond! Fortunately for them, they splash-landed outside the Hotel Inter-Continental, where they see the Swedish flight attendants get out of their taxi.] See? Overnight stop, innit?
Barry: Well, shall we go in then, or what?
Wayne: [Covered in mud, as is Barry] Go in? You seen the state of us? We look like a pair of motocross riders!
Barry: Ohhh. Suppose we'd better go back and get cleaned up then, eh?
Wayne: Right. We shall return.

[Oz is at the bar playing pinball. Neville joins him.]

Neville: Oy, Oz.
Oz: Sssh. Quiet, son. Big score coming up 'ere.
Neville: Wayne and Barry have...
Oz: Sssh. Whoa, man. [Points to the high score] I'm nearly on five and a half million, man!
Neville: ...They've just pulled two Swedish air hostesses.
Oz: [Shocked, he stops playing] Air hostesses?! [The ball goes out of play, and it's game over for Oz.]
Neville: Swedish ones.
Oz: [Kicks one of the legs of the pinball table] 'Ere, might as well get a beer. D'ya want one?
Neville: Aye. I mean, I can understand Wayne, but Barry? [They go to the bar]
Oz: Two bottles of pils here, Adolph. Jammy Arabs. How did they manage that?
Neville: Well, they haven't exactly nailed 'em yet, but they know they're stopping at the Inter-Continental so they're goin' round there on the off-chance.
Oz: Ahh, well that's hardly guaranteed, is it?
Neville: Suppose not. Aye, they'll probably hang round in the bar there all night for nowt, then come back and spin some extravagant tale for our benefit.
Oz: Aye, aye. That's them. [They have a drink.] Hang on a minute... So you reckon they'll just be sittin' in the bar on the off-chance, hangin' around waitin'?
Neville: Apparently.
Oz: Right, let's get them. [Goes to the payphone]
Neville: Eh?
Oz: Set them up.
Neville: How?
Oz: Well... A stroke I pulled at a hotel in Sheffield one time. It was the night before Newcastle played Burnley in the semis. Hey, what a game that was, kidda. Supermac scored twice, and on the way back we smashed this Little Chef up on the A1 at Wetherby...
Neville: [Interrupting Oz's train of thought] Aye, never mind that, man. What was the stunt?
Oz: Oh, aye. Right, follow me. [Heads for the payphone again, burping as he does.]

[In the hotel bar, Wayne and Barry, now dressed smartly, are indeed waiting for the flight attendants to appear.]

Barry: What are we gonna do, then? Just, er... just sit here all night on the off-chance, or what?
Wayne: Just bide your time. I'll think of something.
Waiter: [Brings them a couple of beers] You are residents, sir?
Wayne: Yeah, er... but I'll pay cash. [Hands the waiter some money] And keepen ze changen. [The waiter leaves a receipt and leaves.]
Barry: What did you say that for? We're not staying 'ere.
Wayne: Yeah, but we could be if things work out.
Barry: No, we don't look like residents, especially with your haircut and earring.
Wayne: Well, they'll think we're roadies.
Barry: Ah, aye? Fat chance.
Wayne: Leave it out, will ya? Have a drink.

[Back at the bar, Oz rings the hotel while Neville looks on...]

Oz: Hello? Yep. Inter-Continental? Yes, hello, yes. Can you get a message, please, to Mr. Wayne Norris? Yeah, Herr Norris. Yes, he'll be in the bar. ...Yes, and the message is, that, er... he's expected immediately... yeah, immediately, in Room 612. Yes, that's it. Danke schön! [Puts the phone down. They laugh] That'll wind 'em up!

[After bumping into Dennis at the hotel, Wayne and Barry finally reach Room 612. Wayne knocks on the door.]

Barry: You've knocked long enough. There's no-one there.
Wayne: [Looks through the peephole in the door] Well, they must be in the shower or something, you know.
Barry: Together?
Wayne: Swedish, in't they? Very liberated your Swedes, son.
Barry: Oh... My cousin Norma's very liberated, you know. [Wayne continues knocking.] Yeah, she's... she's always walking around the house stark-naked. I said to her, "This is a council house just outside Wolverhampton, you know". I said, "You could lose this house flaunting yourself the way you do." Eric... see, that's her husband, he don't know because he works nights...
Wayne: Sssh! I can hear something.
Barry: They're there, are they? [A waitress passes by with a trolley and notices Wayne and Barry listening at the door.]

[In the room, a couple, and definitely not the Swedish flight attendants, are getting it on.]

German woman: Was ist los? (What's happening?) [Turns the radio off.]
German man: Es had geklopft. (There was a knock.)
German woman: Nee, nee. (No...) [The knocking continues.] Hast du 'was bestellt? (Did you order something?)
German man: Nein, ich nicht, aber geh' mal gucken. (No, not me, but go have a look.) [She gets out of bed and opens the door.] Ja?
Wayne: About time too! What you been doing, darling? Putting your face on, eh?
German woman: Was? Wer sind Sie? Was wollen sie? (What? Who are you? What do you want?)
Wayne: Speak English, darlin'! It's us! [Wayne and Barry enter the room]
German woman: Ich verstehe gar nichts. (I don't understand anything you're saying)
Barry: Wayne, Wayne... are you sure that's one of them, mate?
Wayne: Yeah, of course it is. They just look a bit different out of uniform, don't they?
German man: Was wollen Sie in unserem Zimmer? (What are you doing in our room? What do you want?)
Wayne: Oh, hello. We've got company, have we? [To the woman] What's the matter, darlin'? Ain't we enough for you girls, eh?
German man: Sind sie Freunde von dir? (Are these friends of yours?)
German woman: Nein, ich kenne sie nicht. (No, I don't know them.)
Barry: Wayne... are you sure this is Room 612, mate?
German woman: Tu' etwas! (Do something!) [The man gets his wallet and starts pulling money out]
Wayne: Hey, hey, listen mate. You don't have to pay us for it, you know.
Barry: Wayne, Wayne...
Wayne: Hey, what's going on here, eh? I mea, we come up here for an innocent liaison, and I find meself in some depraved situation with some geezer flashin' the old readies!
Barry: Wayne...
Wayne: What is he? A blimmer or something, eh? And where's your mate?
Barry: Wayne, Wayne... they think that we're muggers.
Wayne: ...They what?
Barry: They... We're in the wrong room. They think that we're... muggers. [Waves]
Wayne: Bloody hell. [They scarper.]

[Wayne and Barry escape through a window.]

Barry: You've obviously had more experience of this kind of thing than I have. Wayne, I tell you one thing, I'm not going on the pull again with you, mate!
Wayne: Yeah, well the feeling's bloody mutual, son! You're a jinx you are, Barry. You're a jinx. [They look down to the ground below] Ready?
Barry: [Panicking] What do you mean "ready"? I'll break my bleedin' leg!
Wayne: Look, don't be daft, mate. We're fit enough.
Barry: No, we're not! We might have been if we'd gone jogging or swimming with Nev! As you so despise physical exercise...
Wayne: Leave it out, Barry, will you? It's not much of a jump!
Barry: No, not for the SAS, and I don't mean the friggin' airline!
Wayne: Come on. It's like Butch and Sundance.
Barry: Aye, and we know what happened to them. [They take a bit of a run up, then jump.]

[The following morning, Dennis returns to the hut, his weekend with Dagmar ruined.]

Neville: Good morning, Dennis. And where have you been, eh? [Dennis walks past, staring angrily at Wayne and Barry] Or maybe we shouldn't ask.
Dennis: Aye. Maybe you shouldn't. Not that it'd make any difference, like. I mean, news spreads faster than the plague around here.
Neville: What's the problem, like?
Dennis: [Points to Wayne and Barry] Well, ask Abbott and Costello here.
Wayne: Come on, Den. We was all after the same thing last night, weren't we? I'd say you were a bit more successful than what we was, eh?
Barry: Yeah. Look at my ankle. It's all puffed up.
Dennis: [Whacks Barry's ankle. Barry winces in pain.] I know all about you two, man! I spent an hour in the manager's office explaining who me guests were.
Barry: Oh dear. D'you mean there... d'you mean there were repercussions?
Dennis: Aye, you could say that, Barry. I mean, it was you two who terrorised some innocent couple, wasn'it?
Wayne: You didn't finger us, did you?
Dennis: No, no. Said you were two blokes I'd met in the bar. [Points his finger in Wayne's face] But in future, you just stay out my life, right? [Grabs his washbag and towel, and leaves for the bathroom cabin.]
Neville: Is there something you two haven't told me?

[In the bathroom cabin, Moxey is once again in the toilet cubicle.]

Oz: Howay, Moxey, man! [Kicks the cubicle door] Hurry yersel' up! The amount of time you spend in there I'm surprised you don't move in!
Moxey: Hey, I'm not doin' this for pleasure y'know, Oz. It's the bloody sauerkraut! [Dennis enters the cabin]
Oz: How, Den.
Dennis: Is somebody in there? [Kicks the cubicle door]
Oz: Aye. Moxey. Put yer name doon for about Tuesday.
Dennis: I've gotta get out of here, man.
Oz: [At the urinal] What's the matter, like?
Dennis: Well those two pricks, man, Barry and Wayne, totally destroyed my weekend!
Oz: Aye, well, I didn't do their weekend much good, me, like.
Dennis: How's that?
Oz: Well, I'll tell yer all aboot it. This'll cheer ya up...

[A short time later...]

Dennis: [Furiously] DID WHAT?! [Chases Oz out of the cabin]
Oz: [Running away] Dennis, what's got into you, man? [Runs away while Dennis gives chase. The toilet flushes and Moxey steps out of the cabin.]
Moxey: [Calling out] It's f-free now!

The Fugitive[edit]

Barry: I'm growing a beard.
Dennis: Aye, very good, Barry. I'll inform the press.

[Dennis, Neville, Bomber and Moxey set off for their fishing trip. Dennis is driving with Neville in the front passenger seat. Bomber and Moxey are both asleep on the back seats. On one of the rural roads, they spot a hitch-hiker]

Neville: Oh, hitch-hiker.
Dennis: It'll be a bit of a squeeze.
Neville: Ah, but there's not much traffic on this type of road, man. Howay, let's give him a ride, eh? [Dennis stops the car. Neville winds his window down.] Howay!
Bomber: [Waking up] Why have we stopped?
Dennis: Good Samaritans, aren't we? Hitch-hiker. [He runs across the bridge to the car.]
Bomber: Hey, it's a bloke! There's no room for a bloke! A Swedish girl, maybe we could fit her in, but... but not a bloke!

[The hitch-hiker approaches Neville's window.]

Colin: [Looks inside the car] ...Bitte?
Neville: ...Where you go? [Points to the road ahead] You go east?
Colin: Are you English?
Neville: Yeah. Are you?
Colin: Yeah.
Dennis: Oh, hop in, bonny lad.
Colin: Cheers. [Gets in the back next to Moxey. They drive off.]
Dennis: You, er, on holiday, are you?
Colin: [Hesitantly] ...Yeah.
Bomber: Took you a while to get a lift, did it?
Colin: ...Yeah.
Bomber: Where are you headed?
Colin: ...This way. [Nods forward and chuckles]
Dennis: It's a bit of a back road this, isn'it, if yer hitchin'?
Colin: ...Well you... you can't hitch-hike on the Autobahns, can ya?
Dennis: Ah, na. No. Suppose not. But hey, we're just headed to the back end of nowhere here, mind.
Colin: Anywhere's fine by me.
Bomber: You've no place in mind, then?
Colin: ...No, I was... I was headed south, er... I know this girl in Munich.
Dennis: It's not the way to Munich, this.
Colin: Well, I'm in no hurry, er... Thought I'd see a bit of the countryside first.
Dennis: Aye?
Colin: I'm a student. I'm, er... I'm just seeing a bit of the countryside.
Neville: Travel's an education in itself, isn'it?
Colin: So they say, yes. So they say.
Bomber: I'm Bomber, this is Moxey. [Points to the front seats] Dennis and Neville.
Neville: I'm Neville. [Points to Dennis] He's Dennis.
Colin: ...I'm Colin. Listen... what do you lads do then?
Bomber: Best not to ask. Wanted by INTERPOL in eight countries, we are! [The lads laugh.]

[Barry joins the lads at their hotel. He joins Neville and Dennis at the bar. Meanwhile, Moxey and Bomber are sat at a nearby table.]

Bomber: There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!

[At the bar...]

Neville: I'm glad we came, aren't you?
Barry: I'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.
Neville: It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.
Barry: Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.
Neville: Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.
Barry: Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.
Neville: You're right.
Barry: Elaine Surtees was just the same.
Neville: Who?
Barry: That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?
Neville: Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.
Barry: Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.
Neville: Aye, I'll bet.

[Back to the table...]

Moxey: There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.

[Unbenknownst to the lads, a mysterious figure goes past the window. Also unbeknownst to the others, it's Colin, their hitch-hiker. Several beers later, the lads start singing "Ten Green Bottles". They are approached by the landlord.]

Landlord: Good evening. I think you need more pils?
Neville: Oh, aye! Bring 'em over!
Dennis: My shout. What do you want?
Neville: I'll have a pils. [Bomber points to his glass]
Moxey: Pils, please. [The landlord asks for a word with Dennis]
Landlord: You need more, erm... I must get another... [He can't think of the word.]
Dennis: Crates? Crates, mate.
Landlord: Crates! Yes, crate.
Dennis: Are we getting through 'em that fast, are we?
Landlord: That's good drinking, yes?
Dennis: Cheers.
Landlord: I'll bring it. [Heads to the back. Dennis joins the others, continuing the song]
Dennis: [To Neville] Are you glad you came, son?
Neville: Aye, certainly. Brilliant, man.
Barry: Hey, Den, Den, Den! I was just saying... just saying to Neville it broadens the horizons, don't it?
Moxey: It's a funny thing, though.
Dennis: What is?
Moxey: I kind of miss old Oz.

[The landlord goes into the back to get more beer. He spots the figure trying to steal Barry's bike]

Landlord: Hör mal! Das ist nicht ein Motorrad. (Hold up! That's not your motorbike!) [The figure runs off.] Halt! Komm mal her! (Stop! Come back here!)

[He rushes back into the bar to the lads.]

Landlord: Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I think someone try to steal the motorbike.
Barry: [Stands up, as does Dennis] What?!
Landlord: It is there.
Dennis: Did you see who it was?
Landlord: No, he... he disappeared.
Neville: Ah, you never left the key in, did you, Barry?
Barry: Yeah... [The lads shout at Barry]
Bomber: That's asking for it, wasn't it?
Barry: I didn't think there'd be any trouble like that 'round here, did I?

[Back on the site, some vandals break in.]

Vandal: [Checking the coast is clear] Okay. Jemand da, fangen wir an? (Okay, the coast is clear. Shall we begin?) [The vandals enter the site with red paint and brushes.] Wir müssen uns beeilen. (We need to hurry.) [They get to work painting on one of the walls being built.]

[Meanwhile, Oz is at the bar on his own. He's all dressed up. He finishes his beer.]

Barman: More
Oz: No, no. That's it for me. I'm going. [Pays up.]
Barman: Where are your, er... friends?
Oz: Friends?! Ha! I've got no friends, me, man.
Barman: [Gives Oz his change] You are very er... [Notices Oz's clothing] ...tonight?
Oz: Oh, aye. This? It's me best suit. Ha. All dressed up and nowhere to go, eh? Well, that's it. I'll see yer. [Turns to leave.]
Barman: Gute nacht.
Oz: Donkey shite. [Exits the bar]

[Back at the site, the vandals have almost finished.]

Vandal: Was ist denn das? Das sieht aus wie ein Picasso. (What's that? It looks like a Picasso.)
Oz: [Returns to the site. He sees the shadows of the vandals and goes to investigate. He runs along the crane sleepers and spots them.] Hey! What do yer think you're doin'?
Vandal: Los! Weg! (Come on! Let's go!) [They run, ducking under the billboard and leave through a gap in the fence. One drops his tin of paint.]
Oz: [In pursuit] I'll knock yer bloody 'eads off! Come 'ere! [He trips over the paint tin and falls, his best suite ending up covered in red paint] Oh, bollocks!

[The following day, the lads go fishing. Moxey and Bomber carry the beer between them as well as their rods, while everyone else carries the rest of the gear. They cross a bridge over a weir.]

Dennis: That's real fresh air that, Neville.
Neville: Isn't it, eh?
Dennis: I need that after last night's beer.
Barry: I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.
Dennis: Tab?
Barry: Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.
Dennis: [Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?
Barry: Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?
Dennis: [Walks on] Aye.
Barry: Cor...

[The lads walk further up the river. Colin emerges from the bushes. It's clear he's been sleeping rough overnight.]

Colin: Mornin'.
Neville: Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]
Bomber: Are you still here, lad?
Colin: I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.
Dennis: Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.
Colin: ...No, well I've been camping, y'see.
Bomber: Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?
Moxey: You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?
Colin: Just last night, that's all.
Dennis: When did you last eat?
Colin: I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]
Moxey: He's freezin', Den.
Dennis: [To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.
Colin: Yeah, I know where.
Dennis: Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.
Colin: Are you sure?
Dennis: Go on, before you catch pneumonia.
Colin: [Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]
Dennis: C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!

[Later on, the lads have some beers by the river.]

Bomber: I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.
Moxey: That's three things.
Neville: He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.
Dennis: Aye, he did, didn't he?
Barry: Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?
Dennis: Come again, Barry?
Barry: Hey... you trust people, you do.
Neville: Well, you've got to, haven't you?
Dennis: Why shouldn't I?
Barry: Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...
Dennis: Thinkin' of what?
Barry: I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.
Dennis: Why?
Barry: Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?
Dennis: Well, nor have you.
Barry: That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.
Dennis: Maybe he is!
Barry: Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.
Dennis: Naffin' hell, Barry, man.
Bomber: No, hear him out. Let him make his point.
Moxey: Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?
Barry: My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.
Dennis: Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]

[Back at the hotel, the lads hear Colin out.]

Colin: It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.
Neville: That's tough.
Colin: It happens though, don't it?
Barry: And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?
Colin: It's finished.
Dennis: Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.
Colin: [Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]
Bomber: Where are you headed, then?
Colin: ...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.
Neville: Hey, he can come back with us.
Bomber: Why not?
Barry: Right!
Neville: You'll have to shovel.
Colin: No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.
Neville: Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.
Colin: ...Could I?
Moxey: Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?
Dennis: Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.

[At the site, Colin brings a wheelbarrow to Neville with some concrete mix.]

Colin: All right, Nev?
Neville: Yeah. Are you ready for more?
Colin: Yeah.
Neville: Yeah, it's all totally different over here. See, in Germany, us brickies have to do our own labouring.
Colin: Do you?
Neville: Oh, aye. There's just one over boss, Grunwald, and his sidekick, Ulrich. They're the only two you've got to watch out for, right?
Colin: How do you get on with the Germans?
Neville: Oh, okay. They're just canny lads, mostly, like the rest of us. [Adds some water to the concrete mix] Only smarter!
Colin: How do you mean, "smarter"?
Neville: Well... yer kna, better turned out. See, the Brits are really scruffy, we wear jeans and sneakers, that kind of thing. Oh, and they never wear their hard hats. Nah, the Erics, they're, er... they're more military. Here, grab a hold of them, will yer?
Colin: Here, Nev, what do you call the Germans "Erics" for?
Neville: Well, if we want to talk about one of them in front of them, like, we call 'em Eric, and that way the Germans think we're talkin' about some bloke called Eric. Good, innit?
Colin: Yeah.
Neville: Yeah, and then there's a lot of Turks over here an' all, and a couple of Dutch. The Turks mainly like in the hut next to us. [Notices Herr Ulrich on site with two policemen investigating the vandals. Thinking they're coming for him, he runs away] Some Greeks, but not many of them, like. [Turns round notices Colin running away] Colin? What's the matter? [Herr Ulrich and the policemen walk past Neville to examine the graffiti.]

[Neville finds Dennis in the hut.]

Neville: Hey, Den! This really strange thing just happened!
Dennis: [Eating a banana] What, Oz has shook hands with a German?
Neville: No, man. Seriously.
Dennis: What?
Neville: You know I've been workin' with that Colin lad? Well, these two policemen just turned up with Ulrich. I dunno, probably about the vandalism. Anyway, when Colin seen them, he turned white as a sheet, did a runner.
Dennis: What?
Neville: Aye, he's gone. Psht, vanished. I've searched the whole site, there's no sign of him.
Dennis: Well, have the police gone after him?
Neville: No, man. Look, see, the coppers were here aboot the break-ins, right, but the point is he obviously thought they were after him. Colin did.
Dennis: Oh, I see. Aye, he didn't seem too sure of his story, did he?
Neville: Right, aye. I dunno, he seemed such a canny lad, but... I cannae imagine him in trouble with the law.
Dennis: No, you cannae tell these days, man. I tell you what, we'll just get back to work, right? If he shows up, we'll have it out with him, right?

[In the hut, Wayne goes through Colin's bag, and finds an ID badge. Dennis, Neville and Bomber enter.]

Wayne: Hey, he's not running from the law.
Dennis: What's that you've found?
Wayne: He's in the Army. Look. [Reads from the ID badge] Latham, Colin. Lance Corporal, right? Born: June 14th 1960, Height: 5'8". Eyes: brown. Other distinguishing marks: scar on left shoulder. He's a friggin' deserter, ain't he? [He gives the card to Dennis]

[The lads finally find Colin, and get him to tell the truth.]

Bomber: [Wrapping a bandage around Colin's ankle] You keep this compress 'round it. Keep it tight. See?
Colin: Yeah.
Neville: Does it hurt?
Oz: [Having tripped on the crane sleepers and cutting his leg with his trowel] Mine hurts like hell but naebody gives a toss aboot me! [Wayne shakes his head]
Dennis: [To Colin] You got yersel' in a right mess, haven't you? Eh? I don't mean your clothes. Look, man, you should've told us the truth, yer kna, then we might have been able to help you out.
Wayne: How long have you been in the Army then, eh?
Moxey: How'd you know that?
Wayne: Found his ID, whatever they call it.
Dennis: So you're on the lam from the Army? Is it that bad?
Colin: Since I've been in Germany, it is, yeah. It's the other lads in my billet. We don't get on, or... they don't get on with me. Always gettin' at me, takin' the mick. I couldn't take no more, I got a bit choked, I had to get away.
Neville: Well, it doesn't seem a very good reason for deserting. You've got to learn to get on with people, haven't you? I mean, look at us lot in here. We're just like the army, aren't wa? All crammed into this little hut.
Wayne: Hey, we drive each other loony, mate. But at least we all stick together, don't we, eh?
Colin: It's not just that... [Starts breathing heavily]
Dennis: Look. Here. [Puts a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches in front of Colin] Get it off yer chest, man.
Colin: [Takes a cigarette.] I was in Ireland for a time. Londonderry. [Lights the cigarette.] Then Belfast.
Moxey: Can't have been no picnic, that.
Colin: I was scared witless.
Neville: So would I have been. Well, anyone. [Bomber nods]
Colin: Anyone wouldn't have cracked up though, would they? I did. How many of those bastards saw their two best friends blown in half, eh? None. Not one of them. But I did. And I just want to forget about it. They put me in hospital for a time. I mean, the Army were very good about that. Then they posted me out here. The other lads found out... I just want to forget about it. They won't let me forget about it.
Dennis: Yeah, see, but... if you keep running away like that, you're just running away from yerself, you know. And if you bottle it out and stick in, I mean, those lads'll end up respecting you for it in the end.
Oz: Nah, he's we'll out of it, if you ask me. He's done his bit, hasn'he? He owes them nowt.
Dennis: So what's he supposed to do, eh? Spend the rest of his life on the run?
Wayne: Well, that's the way Oz spends his life, ain't it? I mean, he don't know no different.
Neville: I think he's gotta go back.
Moxey: There's no question about it.
Dennis: Definitely. When did you leave?
Colin: Thursday night. Had a seventy-two-hour leave pass.
Dennis: Well, you're only a day late, aren't ya?
Moxey: Yeah, you're not a deserter, are you? You're a what-d'you-call-it?
Bomber: Absent without leave.
Moxey: That's it.
Neville: Aye.
Moxey: I mean, it's not going to be the firing squad. Just a couple of weeks, y'know, cleaning out the shithouses.
Bomber: We can have you back there by tomorrow afternoon.
Colin: ...Could you?
Dennis: So you'll go, then, eh?
Neville: Great!
Wayne: Listen, Barry can give you a lift on his bike, can't you, Bar-oh, where is Barry?
Neville: I mean, for better or worse, you've gotta get on with your mates, havvn't yer?
Oz: Hey, I'm bleedin' to death here, nobody gives a toss!
Everyone: Oh, shut up, Oz!

The Alien[edit]

[It's Sunday. Wayne and Moxey are in the hut.]

Moxey: What's in the paper, then?
Wayne: [Reading a paper.] Nothing that's gonna change the course of history, son. It's the music press, innit?
Moxey: Oh. [Walks over to Wayne] You're really into that, aren't you? [Sits next to Wayne]
Wayne: Music's my life, Moxey.
Moxey: You should've been a rock star, you. Dead ringer for Ronnie Wood. Anybody ever told you that?
Wayne: Yeah, couple of times, in fact. As it 'appens, I signed Woody's autograph for a couple of Fräuleins down the old town on Tuesday.
Moxey: Go away, you didn't, did yer?
Wayne: Yeah, yeah. There's no harm done though. They was thrilled at having met one of their idols, and I was gratified at having put a bit of colour into their otherwise drab existence.
Moxey: That don't seem right to me somehow.
Wayne: Look, I didn't abuse Woody's name by jumping 'em, did I? I could've.
Moxey: Could you?
Wayne: Ehh, they were all over me like a cheap coat, they were. But I've got a code of ethics, Moxey. I know where to draw the line.
Moxey: Very c-c-commendable, that, in this day and age.
Wayne: Yeah, ain't it? Mind you, bein' ethical don't 'alf put a crimp in your nuts!

[Herr Grunwald enters the hut. He's not happy.]

Wayne: Hello, Herr Grunwald. Its not Monday already is it?
Grunwald: No, it is not. It is Sunday. And on Sunday I expect to be with my family. At home.
Wayne: Turfed you out, have they? Never mind, son. Pull up a bed. We accept all sorts in here.
Grunwald: Please, I am not in the mood for your insolence. Where's Patterson?
Wayne: Dennis? Down the baths, I think. What d'you want 'im for?
Grunwald: He is your leader.
Wayne: S'pose so. It's not a role he relishes, though.
Moxey: Why? That's the problem?
Grunwald: Englanders are the problem. [Walks sternly towards Wayne and Moxey] They always are!

[Wayne finds the others in the bar.]

Wayne: 'Ere, Den. Grunwald's looking for you. [To the barman] Bier, bitte.
Dennis: Grunwald? What's he want?
Wayne: Well, you know that nutter Magowan?
Barry: Aye, he's a bit of a bloody headcase, he is, in't he?
Wayne: Ahh, well apparently, he had a bit of tiff in a bar last night.
Barry: Huh, a bit of a tiff?
Wayne: I suppose "fracas" is a better word, really. Anyway, he put some Eric in hospital, and he's in the nick.
Neville: Doesn't surprise me. He's a nutter!
Dennis: Well, what's that got to do wi' me?
Wayne: Well he must have given his employer's name, who rang Grunwald, who came down 'ere to tell us that it's our responsibility to bail him out.
Neville: Ah?
Dennis: Well, why us?
Wayne: 'Cos he's a Brit. Says the behaviour of the Brits is none of his business.
Dennis: Well, it's none of my business either, is it, eh? He lives in the hostel, doesn't he, eh? He's not in our hut. Let 'im stop in the nick!
Wayne: He's still a Brit though, ain't he, Den? And Grunwald sees you as top man, don't he?
Dennis: Ahh, bloody hell, man! I'm not accountable for every mad man in Germany just 'cos they're British!
Oz: Ah, he is a bit of a hooligan, him, like.
Barry: Best place for him, innit? Bloke like that in the nick?
Wayne: Trouble is... Grunwald reckons if we can't take care of our own, we can all ship out.
Dennis: What? He said that?
Neville: That's not fair! It's nowt to do with us!
Wayne: I'm just tellin' you what he said.
Neville: But... you mean it's him or us?
Wayne: Yep. Either we look after it, or we can get the next boat home.
Dennis: [Sighs] Bloody hell!

[At the bar, Magowan is drinking heavily (which is normal for him). Oz enters.]

Oz: Howay, Mac! Heard you had a bit of bother the other night.
Magowan: I wasn't lookin' for any trouble.
Oz: Nah, nah, that's usually case, isn'it? Er... d'yer wanna drink?
Magowan: Yeah, I'll have a schnapps there.
Oz: Schnapps, eh? [To barman] Two. Two schnapps here. [Magowan picks up a schnapps already on the bar and drinks it] So, er... when are you up in front of the beak, then?
Magowan: Ah, some time next week.
Oz: Well, probably be a fine, yer kna, or you'll get bound o'er or something.
Magowan: You never know where you are with these Erics, you know. They're gonna stuff it to me, you know that, bein' a Brit, like, you know. They've thrown me out the hostel.
Oz: Have they?
Magowan: They're just waitin' for their chance. They're very, very vindictive, [Looks aggresively at another drinker down the bar.] your average Eric.
Oz: Well, no. Let's... let's be fair. I mean, you can't really blame the Germans, can yer? I mean, live and let live. That's what I always say! I mean, yer average German's all reet. I mean, compared to a Turk, aye. [The barman looks on disapprovingly]
Magowan: It was the Germans started that fight the other night. They provoked me.
Oz: Well... that's probably disputable, isn'it?
Magowan: Hey, whose side are you on, then?
Oz: [Has a sip of his schnapps and coughs] Nobody's. No... I'm just sayin', I mean, it's not the first time it's happened, is it? Your record out here is not exactly untarnished.
Magowan: Ehh, maybe. [Downs his schnapps in one. To the barman] Two more of them 'ere, you.
Barman: Ja, ja.
Oz: Cheers.
Magowan: I mean... I'm no worse than most, you know. I mean... back on my own turf, like, you know, er... I'm a very popular bloke. [Oz, having drunk his schnapps, coughs] Leastways, no-one's ever said that they didn't like me, you know. Now and then I get a bit cantankerous, you know. Now and then.
Oz: Yeah, but I mean how often's "now and then"?
Magowan: Fridays.
Oz: Oh, pay nights, like?
Magowan: Right. [Downs another schnapps]
Oz: It must be the drink, yer kna, Mac, with you. I mean, it's a demon with some blokes, yer kna.
Magowan: You know this fight the other night? I just had about ten pils, you know, a few schnapps... [Downs yet another schnapps, while Oz sips his] so it can't have been the drink!

[Oz has invited Magowan to stay in the hut. Magowan leaves to go to the bathroom cabin, Dennis calls Oz in for a word.]

Oz: What d'you want now?
Dennis: What do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?
Oz: Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.
Dennis: Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.
Oz: Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.
Wayne: Him, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.
Neville: He's gonna make all our lives a misery.
Oz: Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?
Barry: Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!
Oz: He's only one person, man!
Dennis: Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!
Wayne: Yeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.
Barry: No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.
Wayne: Oh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?
Barry: No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.
Moxey: Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.
Barry: Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...
Dennis: "Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!
Wayne: Ah, we'll all back you up, though.
Barry: No, Dennis has got a point.
Oz: Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.
Dennis: Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)
Oz: Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.
Wayne: Well no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.
Neville: Has he?
Wayne: Yeah, some of the lads told me.
Barry: What for?
Wayne: Well, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.
Moxey: G-grievous bodily harm, more like.
Dennis: [To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.
Oz: All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!
Wayne: It will be if you don't don't ask him right.

[Dennis goes to Herr Grunwald in the site office to protest]

Dennis: Look, I just don't think it's fair that I'm held responsible for every British workman on this site.
Grunwald: Well, I am not to be responsible for how you behave. Look, you people come over here, we give you work. But you are not registered, you are self-employed. So, if you cause trouble, then you must go, unless you correct it among yourselves.
Dennis: Look, my lot don't cause any trouble.
Grunwald: They are not saints.
Dennis: Well, they're still a canny set o' lads. Just that Magowan.
Grunwald: He is not German worker. He is Englander.
Dennis: You could sack him.
Grunwald: Does he know you suggest this? I think it is better that he does not, ja?
Dennis: Look, he's ended up in our hut now, man.
Grunwald: Good. Then you can a close watch on him.
Dennis: [Mutters] Oh aye. Smashing(!) [Exits the office]

Wayne: [Wringing out his waterlogged socks] Runnin' out of socks, I am. Working in all that water, I'm gonna get foot rot.
Moxey: At least you're indoors. It's f-freezing out there today.

[Magowan enters the hut. He stares at Wayne as he walks past him]

Magowan: The tea's on, is it?
Moxey: You can make some.
Magowan: Hey...
Moxey: ...if you want.
Magowan: Nah, I'm not bothered. [Drops his bag, opens the cover of the stove, spits into it, then replaces the cover.]
Wayne: Are you, er... kipping here again tonight, are you?
Magowan: Where am I supposed to be kippin'?
Wayne: I just wondered, you know.
Magowan: I didn't sleep to well last night, you know. That bed there's too small.
Wayne: Oh, dear(!)

[Magowan approaches a timid Barry before turning his attention to the dartboard. He takes the six darts out and starts to throw.]

Oz: [Entering the hut] How, lads.
Wayne: Oz... Er, have you had a word with you-know-who about you-know-what, eh?
Oz: Well, I was just about to. [Heads into the storage room]
Wayne: Go on, then.
Oz: [Laying down his toolbag] Hey, Mac, er...
Magowan: [Still throwing darts] What?
Oz: Well, it's about you bein' in here.
Magowan: What about me bein' here?
Oz: Well, there's not all that much room, really, is there?
Magowan: I know, I know. I've gotta rough it.
Oz: Naw, but the thing... the thing is [Notices Magowan has hit a few treble 20s] Dear me, you can't half chuck an arrow, can yer?
Magowan: I never get beat, me.
Oz: Dear me! Marvellous. [Dennis enters the hut] Hey, Dennis, come have a look at this, man. Mac's just the bloke we need in here.
Magowan: Yeah?
Oz: Aye, we've got this darts match comin' up against the Army... [Dennis rolls his eyes]
Magowan: Well, it's lucky for you lads I'm stayin' here!
Dennis: [Softly, to Oz] Prick.
Oz: Eh? [Barry just feebly points to Magowan before going back to reading his letter. Dennis approaches Magowan with Oz.]
Dennis: [To Magowan] Look, mate, er... the thing is, we don't really want you in this hut. [Oz backs away.]
Magowan: Who says?
Dennis: All of us. I'm speakin' for all of us.
Magowan: How come?
Dennis: Well, er, nothing personal, like, yer kna. We don't mind you kippin' here for a couple of nights, yer kna. But you see, us lads, we've, er, got things pretty much together amongst ourselves and, er, we don't want anybody kippin' here on a permanent basis. [Turns around the hut] Isn't that right, lads?
Wayne: Yeah, right. I mean, you know... we're all mates and everything, ain't we?
Moxey: Yeah, we've all got used to each other, y'know.
Barry: Yeah, yeah. It's nothing personal as... as Dennis says... [Magowan approaches Barry again and looks down at him menacingly.]
Magowan: You don't want me stayin' 'ere, is that what you're sayin'?
Barry: Well... not, not in so many words, like, no, no, no. It's... it's a question of harmony, innit? You know... that's what it's a question of, like. It's not easy, is it... for, er, a bunch of... group of men, grown men, all st-staying under... sleeping under one roof, you know? Especially one that lets the wet in, innit? [Giggles nervously.]
Magowan: [To the lads] So you lot want me out, do you? [Dennis nods.]
Oz: Well, after the darts match. At least let 'im stay for the darts match.
Dennis: Oz, that's got bugger all to do with it.
Magowan: And say I don't wanna go. Are you physically going to eject me? [Pushes Dennis] Is that it?
Dennis: Look, none of us is capable of that, as well you know.
Magowan: Just as well you do know that.
Dennis: It'd just be best all round if you left, yer know. I'm just tellin yer straight, yer know, 'cos that's how we'd prefer it.
Magowan: Well, where am I supposed to go? Hey, come here. You've got all the answers.
Dennis: I don't know.
Magowan: Well, what do you take me for, you lot, eh? I mean, I don't bother anybody.
Barry: Would... would the hostel take you back?
Magowan: No chance. All I did was break a chair over the warden's head.
Dennis: That's the sort of person we take you for, yer know. I mean that's the point, like.
Magowan: I don't like gaffers. I don't like bein' told what to do and where to do it! [Throws darts aggressively at the board. Barry cowers.]
Wayne: Now, that's why it wouldn't work out here, would it? I mean we're sticklers for rules and regulations, we are, son. Gotta abide by the house rules, see.
Dennis: You could get a flat on your own, that's your best bet, surely.
Magowan: A flat will cost me, won't it? Advance against breakages.
Wayne: Which in your case won't be returnable, will it? [Chuckles. Magowan approaches him.] No offence, squire. It was just a joke.
Magowan: Don't you clown with me, ducky. [Gets almost in Wayne's face]
Dennis: A flat's your best bet. Maybe we can help you out, yeah?
Magowan: If I get a flat, you can say goodbye to the scratch you put up for me bail. You won't see that again. [Gets in Wayne's face] Just think about that.

[Wayne and Barry are in a bar]

Barry: Mmmmm. I enjoyed that flick.
Wayne: Yeah, I always did like a good Chinese film with German voices(!)
Barry: Ahh, it don't matter much with these martial arts stories, does it? No, it's the mayhem and the gratuitous violence that counts.
Wayne: Maybe we should all take up karate, eh? That might get rid of you-know-who.
Barry: Right. I, er... I often have fantasies about being Bruce Lee, don't you?
Wayne: No. He can't sing.
Barry: I'd really like to be able to, you know, chop a brick in half, smash it right in half. Wouldn't you?
Wayne: Not a lot.
Barry: It'd be great, though, wouldn't it? Just once to be confronted by bloodthirsty hooligans, and dispose of them with a few timely chops to the neck. I've always wanted to be able to do that. Especially after a Wolves game when I found meself hemmed in by hordes of rampant skinheads.
Wayne: You constantly surprise me, you do, Barry. Eh? I mean, beneath that passive exterior beats the heart of a would-be ninja.
Barry: Yeah?
Wayne: Yeah.
Barry: ...What's a ninja?
Wayne: A ninja? I thought you'd have known that. In your martial arts fraternity, none is more deadly than your ninja.
Barry: Really?
Wayne: Yeah. It's the ultimate, son. Just one look, right, can fill a man with dread.
Barry: A bit like Magowan.
Wayne: No. He's no ninja, son. A certifiable lunatic, he is.
Barry: Ah, he's certainly kept us out of the hut, hant'he? That's my third film in three days.
Wayne: [Looking out of the window] Ain't that Nev?
Barry: Where?
Wayne: There. [Outside, Neville walks past an adult cinema.]
Barry: Aye, it is, innit? Yeah. Where's he off to?
Wayne: Where's he been, more like it, eh?
Barry: Aye, he's been very cagey these last few days, han't he?
Wayne: I'm sure I've seen him come out of that place across the street there.
Barry: What's place?
Wayne: That one there, look. The porn cinema.
Barry: No?
Wayne: Yeah.
Barry: That's weird, that is, you know, 'cos... the other day I caught Nev copying out an ad from a shop window.
Wayne: Really? What ad was that?
Barry: I dunno, but it was for things like flats and flagellation.
Wayne: No.
Barry: Ah, straight up.
Wayne: Well, Nev's obviously found himself an outside interest, then, ain't he, eh?

[Barry and Oz practice for the darts match against Colin and the army lads.]

Oz: [As Barry throws...] Treble... double 20... and a 20... and 5. 65.
Barry: 65? I'm getting good at this, ain't I? I could make the team. [Gets the darts out.]
Oz: Too late now, it's already been decided who's playin' - me, Dennis, Magowan and Moxey.
Barry: Oh, Moxey's only in because of his board, isn't he? [Oz takes his turn]
Moxey: 'Ey! I 'eard that!
Barry: So?
Moxey: So it's not true. Look, we played the aggregate all week, right? I qualified fair and square.
Barry: Yeah, only by the skin of your teeth.
Moxey: I still qualified, though!
Wayne: Bloody hell, you'd think it was the Olympics!
Oz: [Counting his total] Seventy-four... [Imitating a darts announcer] "Oz, you require double 16." [Gets his darts while Barry steps up to the oche.]
Moxey: 'Ey, you could be scorer, Barry.
Barry: Bog off. That's Nev's privelige, innit? After all, he arranged it.
Wayne: Is, er, Nev picking up them soldier lads, then?
Barry: [As he throws] Ah, the station, three o'clock.
Wayne: Better organise the booze, eh?
Barry: Yeah, we can arrange it on the dining table, can't we?
Oz: Go on, man.
Barry: All right. Get some crisps.
Wayne: Oh, nice and festive, eh? What about some balloons?
Oz: [Looks at Barry's score] 13? I thought you said you were improvin'!
Barry: [Points behind him] Well he put me off with his bloody sarcasm, didn't he? [Neville enters the hut]
Oz: Right. Double 8 wanted.
Moxey: All right, Nev? Letter on your bed, mate.
Neville: Oh aye? It's probably from Brenda, wondering why her money's short this week.
Wayne: Is that why you're putting in so much overtime, then?
Neville: It's not for the love of it, is it?
Oz: Double 8 needed... [Having hit a single 16, he then hits a treble 16.]
Barry: [Chuckles] Ah, choked under pressure. Let's see... you want double 8, and I want...
Oz: 219.
Neville: [Reading the letter] Oh, aye, it's from Colin.
Oz: Oh aye? What's his craic?
Neville: ...Oh, they've got a dress parade tomorrow morning. Oh, he's comin' over Monday instead.
Moxey: Oh, that's no good. It's no fun unless it's the weekend. [Barry hits a 5 and a 4...]
Oz: Well, that's all right, it'll give us some practice time. [Barry misses the board entirely and hits the wall.] Nice shot, Barry. One in the 5, one in the 4, and one in the wall.
Neville: Best get the booze in today, eh? Naebody'll have any money left come Monday. Has that Magowan paid us anything back yet?
Wayne: Has he what?
Neville: I want what he owes. There's no reason why I should have to work Saturday mornings and Brenda go short for the likes of him, is there?
Oz: [Hitting the double 8] That's it. Beautiful dart.

[At the bar, the lads get four crates of beer]

Barry: [To Dennis, gesturing to the barman] Hey, there's no crisps, Den. We've got to have crisps, mate!
Dennis: Man! You can get yer crisps on Monday, man, Barry!
Barry: Ah, right. Right.
Oz: [Entering the bar] Wa-hey!
Moxey: 'Ey, Oz.
Dennis: Did you get the, er, spirits, mate?
Oz: Why aye. [Produces two bottles from under his jacket and places them in the crates] Schnapps... and a bottle of vodka.
Dennis: Smashing!
Neville: That should be enough, shouldn't it?
Dennis: That depends if the Army drink as much as us lads, eh? [Barry chuckles.] Listen, this lot's not got to be touched 'til Monday, right?
Oz: What?! Hang on a minute! I mean, if we're ganna carry this all the way over to the hut, I think we deserve a drink.
Dennis: Nah, nah, we've got it in now, man, as an insurance against anybody's reckless spending, right? Not one drop of this will be touched by anybody. Including Magowan. [Neville, Moxey, Barry and Dennis each pick up a crate, while Oz picks up the schnapps and vodka]
Moxey: He's no problem, you know. 'Ey, he pissed off, y'know, when he heard the darts had been cancelled. Said he wouldn't be back 'til tomorrow.
Dennis: Did he?
Barry: You mean we've got a night's reprieve?
Moxey: Well, it looks like it!
Dennis: [Suddenly jubilant] Right, in that case, it's my round! [Puts his crate down] What do you want to drink? [The others also put their crates and bottles down]
Neville: That's more like it!
Oz: And we'll get stuck into the vodka when we get back.
Neville: Aye! Let's celebrate, yeah?
Dennis: [To the barman] Five bottles of pils...

[Barry and Neville return to the site from the baths. Magowan enters the hut and puts his bag on his bed. Barry and Neville enter a short time after. Barry approaches Magowan as he chucks his clothes onto the bed.]

Barry: Where have the lads gone?
Magowan: Down the pub, I should think.
Barry: Did you, erm... have a nice time?
Magowan: Oh, yeah. Nice time. Aye.
Neville: Why? Did you have a fight?
Magowan: What's that supposed to mean?
Neville: Isn't that your usual way of havin' a good time?
Barry: [Laughs nervously] It's just a joke, innit?
Magowan: I must have got paralytic if my head's any clue.
Barry: Where... where'd you stay, like?
Magowan: Over the river there. I got this bird, see, I gave her a right seeing to. You would have been proud of me. [He notices the crates of beer] Christ! Miracles never cease, eh?
Neville: [Stops in front of Magowan] That's for tomorrow night for the match.
Magowan: [Pushes Neville away] You're not gonna miss a couple of bottles, are ya? [Gets a bottle from the crate and opens it]
Neville: No, but we all chipped in for that. Did you?
Magowan: Well, I never invited them! [Takes a swig]
Neville: No, but they're our guests.
Magowan: Look, I'll win that darts match for you, all right? Put some money on that, you'll get it all back.
Neville: I want back what you owe me... what you owe all of us. [Magowan aggressively approaches Neville]
Barry: [Backing away] Oh, I'm all right, like. I've got a bit put aside, you know.
Magowan: You want what back, kid?
Neville: Just... what you owe for the bail, like.
Magowan: Look, if I'm gonna get a flat I'm gonna need that money, aren't I, as a deposit. That was all agreed.
Neville: Well I never agreed.
Magowan: Talk to that wet nurse of yours, you know, Patterson. He'll put you straight.
Neville: I don't care what the others agreed. I want my money back.
Magowan: Just drop it, will you?
Barry: Nev, I think you'd better leave it. I think Mac's getting the needle.
Magowan: I only get the needle when I drink.
Neville: Dutch courage, you mean?
Magowan: [Aggressively puts the bottle down and confronts Neville] Look, Geordie, if you wanna make somethin' of it, I'll bloody kill you. [To Barry] And that goes for you an' all, mate! [Shoves Neville] Got that?
Neville: Don't shove me!
Magowan: No? [Shoves Neville again.]
Neville: Hey! [Shoves Magowan back. Magowan headbutts Neville and punches him in the stomach!]
Barry: Oi, leave 'im alone! [Magowan goes for Barry, who backs off straight away, cowering. Neville coughs and retches, clutching his stomach. Magowan grabs his coat.]
Magowan: Hey. I'll be back for the darts match. [Throws his empty bottle at Barry, who catches it, then leaves the hut.]

[The day after going into town to the adult cinema to look for Neville, but finding Herr Grunwald there instead, Dennis goes into the site office...]

Dagmar: Good morning.
Dennis: Morning, Dagmar.
Grunwald: You wish something?
Dennis: Er, just a word in your ear, sir.
Grunwald: [To Dagmar] Dagmar, bitte machen sie mir eine Tasse Kaffee. (Dagmar, can you go make me a coffee, please?)
Dagmar: Das dauert noch ein bischen. Es is noch nicht ganz durch gemacht. (It'll take a while. It's not quite ready yet.)
Grunwald: Ich glaube, ich habe mein Auto nicht abgeschlossen. Können Sie mal sehen? (I think I forgot to lock my car. Can you go and check?) [Hands Dagmar his car keys. She takes them and leaves the office.] Follow me, please. [Dennis follows Grunwald into his office.] Yes, Patterson, what is it?
Dennis: Not a word. Not one word will be heard by any of my lads. No to no-one, not to the Brits, not to the Erics, not to nobody. You have my solemn oath.
Grunwald: All your hut knows.
Dennis: All except Magowan. But the rest of my lads, I promise you. However, if, er... if Magowan does find out, I mean his silence... I cannae guarantee.
Grunwald: So?
Dennis: So, er... it'd be best all round if Magowan left.
Grunwald: For what excuse can I give? He is good worker.
Dennis: You'll think of somethin'. [Smiles, then leaves Grunwald to it.]

[A short time later, Magowan leaves the site office with a face like thunder. He approaches the lads and packs up his tools.]

Dennis: Where you off to?
Magowan: I got me cards from Grunwald.
Oz: What for?
Grunwald: He says he heard through the grapevine the judge is gonna do me when I go up, you know, make an example or somethin'.
Dennis: Never!
Grunwald: Apparently. I told yer they'd stuff it to me, didn't I? Vindictive bastards!
Dennis: Aye, well, yer... yer best off goin' home. It's better than bein' in the clink.
Magowan: Aye, s'pose so. [Starts to walk off]
Oz: So long, mate.
Neville: You'll not be missed.
Magowan: [Turns back and squares up to Neville] That's your bail money up the spout, kid! [Walks off again, this time picking up a wrench as he passes a digger, throwing it through a cabin window, breaking it.]

[The end of the day. Herr Grunwald leaves the site office and gets to his car. Dennis walks past.]

Dennis: Herr Grunwald?
Grunwald: Ja?
Dennis: [Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.

[Wayne leaves the hut to speak to Neville.]

Wayne: Hey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?
Neville: Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?
Barry: We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.
Neville: Ahh, great!
Oz: Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.
Neville: Ah, that's not important.

[They enter the hut to find Dennis in there.]

Neville: How, Den!
Barry: Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.
Oz: Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!
Moxey: Better get some practice in.
Oz: Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.
Dennis: Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.
Oz: Why? How's that, like?
Dennis: Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]

Last Rites[edit]

[In the hut, Oz tries to get the lads on side for a business venture...]

Oz: Er, listen, lads, if youse lot wanna make a few bob on the side, er, maybes you should come in wi' me.
Dennis: How'd you mean, like?
Wayne: Doin' a bit of moonlighting, are ya, Oz?
Oz: Well, I might have this business proposition, right? See, I've met this Eric. Canny lad... for an Eric. Anyway, nothing's finalised yet, so I can't say so much, but if you want in, now's the time to speak up.
Wayne: Hold on... d'you mean speak up to divvy up, son?
Oz: Both, both.
Dennis: Well, tell us what it is, then.
Oz: Nah, I can't yet.
Neville: Well, how will we be expected to chip in if you won't explain?
Oz: Well, that's the whole point, man, Neville.
Neville: Well, it escapes me, Oz!
Oz: Look, the more yer speculate, the more coin yer get back in the back end.
Dennis: But Oz, we're entitled to know what we're speculatin' in!
Oz: Aye, in due course, Dennis. When I get everythin' finalised. [Checks himself in the mirror.] But, er, for the moment, all I need is yer readies and yer trust. [Turns round to see blank faces.] Was that askin' too much, like?
Dennis: Bollocks!
Neville: Ah, howay!
Wayne: Nah, you're askin' too much, son.
Oz: Well, suit yerselves, I'll seek investment elsewhere, stuff you lot!
Dennis: Oz! How, at least give us a clue!
Oz: [Leaves the hut... then pokes his head in a few seconds later] Well, it's adult, and it's liable to cause offence. [Leaves the hut again.]
Dennis [Thinking aloud] "It's adult, and liable to cause offence"?
Wayne: Sounds like Oz.

[On the site, Oz and Bomber get a pallet of bricks from a crane...]

Oz: [To the crane operator, motioning] In a bit... Whoa, whoa... Right, down at that. [The crane starts lowering the bricks. To Bomber] Look, all I need is cash upfront, and then we'll be quids in.
Bomber: What kind of business?
Oz: Big business. Expanding markets, guaranteed demand. See, all we've got to do is buy the gear here, ship it home and then we're quids in.
Bomber: What is it?
Oz: Well... I don't want you goin' tellin' the rest, 'cos they never take us seriously, that lot.
Bomber: [Motions] Cross me 'eart. Now, what are you on about?
Oz: [Whispering] Porn.
Bomber: [Mishearing] What? Corn?
Oz: [Whispering] No, man. Porn, man. Porn, yer kna?
Bomber: What are you on about? Are you opening Gateshead's first massage parlour?
Oz: Nah, man. Videos, man. Importing videos. [The operator stops lowering the bricks.]
Bomber: You're askin' me to handle pornographic videos? Me? The father of five children?
Oz: Well, they don't have to watch 'em.
Bomber: Are you off your rocker, lad?
Oz: Ah, well, forget it. [Waves his hands, the crane operator mistakes this as a signal to lower the bricks onto the scaffold.] I just thought with five bairns, you might've needed the extra coin.
Bomber: You're off your bloody rocker, boyo! [The pallet lands on the scaffold... and on Bomber's foot!]

[In hospital, after Dennis and Neville see Bomber off to have his foot set in a cast, there's a commotion in another ward...]

Nurse: Kommen Sie, Schwester. Schnell! (Come on, Sister. Quick!) [They attend to a cantankerous, but very poorly, elderly gentleman.]
Sister: Wo waren Sie denn? (Where have you been?)
Nurse: Es war Doktor Schnabel. (It was Dr. Schnabel.) [Turns to the patient] Herr Irwin, bitte geben Sue uns, was Sie da verstecken. (Mr. Irwin, please give us what you're hiding.)
Hedley: Das maken worse it gets.
Sister: Sie sind aber ein sturer Mensch. (You are so stubborn!)
Hedley: [Breathlessly] Look, I came to this hospital... for some quiet. Why don't yer bugger off, man!
Dennis: [As he and Neville pass by the ward] Did you hear that? The old guy's a Brit.
Neville: Aye, sounds like it. [They go into the ward.]
Dennis: Hey, man. What's the matter, son? Just calm down. The nurses are here to help you, aren't they? [To the Sister and Nurse] Er, sorry. Didn't mean to impose. We just realised he was British and thought he might not understand you, like, you know.
Nurse: He understands very well. In any language, he is stubborn old man!
Hedley: Maul zu! (Shut up!)
Sister: [Preparing to put an oxygen mask on the patient] Seien Sie bitter ruhig! (Be quiet, please!)
Dennis: Well, we didn't mean to impose, er... just thought you might want a hand. [He and Neville turn to leave.]
Nurse: No. No, that is most kind. Perhaps because you English, he is...
Neville: Well, he might calm down?
Dennis: He might listen to us?
Nurse: Ja. He has no-one, you see. No friends or family.
Dennis: [Seeing the Sister has put the oxygen mask on the patient] Can he, er, talk though, with that thing on?
Nurse: Ja. If he get short breath, he tell me.
Dennis: Fair enough. Er... what was the panic about?
Nurse: He hide something. Will you find it?
Dennis: Well, we'll give it a try, won't we?
Neville: Yeah. Sure.
Nurse: Danke. Nehmen Sie seine Maske ab, Schwester, Lassen Sie ihn allein. (Thank you. Take off his mask, Sister. Leave him alone.) [She takes the mask off the patient.] Station Neun, Schwester Elisabeth, bitte. (Station Nine, Sister Elizabeth, please.) [The Sister and Nurse leave them alone. Dennis and Neville go to the patient.]
Dennis: How are you feelin, then?
Hedley: How would you feel with this... contraption? [Holding up the oxygen mask]
Dennis: Aye, well. It's for your own good, isn'it? I mean, they know best, don't they?
Hedley: Aye, so they say.
Neville: How come you've ended up here, then, eh?
Hedley: 'Cos I'm bloody dyin', that's how!
Neville: No, no, I meant, in a German hospital.
Hedley: I live 'ere.
Dennis: In the city?
Hedley: For the past few years, aye. There were a few other places before here, mind. Mannheim. Essen. It's the job, you see? The foundries. [Points to his chest] I can thank them for all this, man(!)
Dennis: What's the matter with yer, like?
Hedley: Chronic bronchitis.
Dennis: ...Oh, I'm Dennis, by the way. This is Neville.
Neville: Pleased to meet you...
Hedley: Aye... Hedley. Hedley Irwin.
Dennis: Well, we're pleased to meet you, Hedley.
Neville: It sounds like you're a Geordie, Hedley.
Hedley: No, I'm bloody not! I'm from Darlington!
Neville: Oh, well? Aye, we're from just up the road.
Dennis: Aye.
Hedley: Never been back to Blighty since... 1946.
Dennis: Never!
Neville: How come?
Hedley: Not after what they did to me!
Neville: Who?
Hedley: The British! [Coughs] Look, er... it's a long story. I'll tell you more when I'm more up to it.
Dennis: [Sitting down next to Hedley] Listen, er... would you like us to come back and see you again? I mean, the sister said that you didn't have anybody, like.
Hedley: Suit... suit yerself, man. It's not the first time I've been here, man. At least it's the last!
Dennis: Ah, get away, man! You've gotta trust the staff. What are yer hiding in there, eh?
Hedley: [Defensively] Nothin'! Don't you start!
Dennis: I tell you what, we'll make a deal with, right? You cough up whatever it is you're hiding, and me and Neville'll come back and see you again, eh?
Hedley: You're as bad as them buggers out there!
Neville: Howay, Hedley, man. We can bring you fruit, or books, or whatever you need.
Hedley: I need some slippers. And some soap.
Dennis: Right, you've got them. Howay, cought it up, whatever it is. [Hedley reaches under his sheets and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. He hands them to Dennis.] Are you tryin' to kill yerself, Hedley?
Hedley: Aye. [Chuckles]

[Dennis and Neville make good their promise to see Hedley again in hospital. They are both sat either side of Hedley's bed...]

Dennis: What happened, Hedley, back in the war? I mean, what started all this off?
Hedley: [Takes a breather] ...Staff Sergeant Hedley Irwin, 22215709, sir. [Starts coughing violently.]
Dennis: Take it easy, Hedley. It's all right, man.
Hedley: [Points under his bed] Give us that tin.
Dennis: Just lie back.
Neville: [Getting the tin] This one?
Hedley: Aye, that's it. [Hedley opens the tin.] I was in the war, you know, as well. [Getting his medals out.] Army of Occupation. Stayed on. The Yanks... the Ivans... and us. [Starts coughing again. He reaches for his mask.]
Dennis: [Helping Hedley with the mask] Take it easy, it's all right. [Hedley takes a few deep breaths.]
Neville: [To Dennis] What's he on about?
Dennis: Well, y'see, when the war was over, the British, the Americans, the French and the Russians, they stayed in Germany to, like, occupy it. Yer kna, to administer it, like. Well, Hedley, he was obviously in the British lot.
Hedley: [Takes the mask off and puts it aside] Non-fraternisation. That's what they called it. You weren't allowed to mix. But a lot of Jerries worked for us. But you weren't allowed to fraternise socially. Verboten. [Takes out an old photograph of a young woman and shows it to Neville] She worked at Command Headquaters. On the switchboard, she worked. Spoke the bloody lingo, didn't she?
Dennis: So... what did you do that was so terrible, then?
Hedley: Why, I married her, didn't I? [Starts coughing again.]
Dennis: Here. [Gives Hedley the mask.] Nurse!

[Back at the hut, Neville relays the story to Bomber, who is laid up in bed.]

Neville: Hey, the rules were ever so strict. Even when our lot wanted to pick up their kids from school, they couldn't talk to the German parents. I think that's terrible, don't you?
Bomber: It seems a bit unnecessary, seeing as the war was over.
Oz: Seems perfectly logical to me. I mean, if I'd spent six years fightin' the Krauts, the last thing I'd wanna do would be to fraternise with them in the local!
Neville: Aye, but the war was over, Oz.
Oz: Oh, aye. Precious comfort for some(!) Precious comfort for me Uncle Dan who got a leg blown off in Tripoli. I cannae see him wantin' to buy drinks for the buggers who blew it off in the first place.
Neville: Well, the Germans suffered too! Everybody suffered one way or another.
Bomber: So what happened to old Hedley, then?
Neville: He married her, didn't he? So they cashiered him. Hoyed him out of the Army. No pension. Nothin'. 'Ey, it's tragic when you think about it.
Oz: Me granny suffered an' all, yer kna. They flattened her with a bomb on her way back from The Black Horse. Poor soul. She only nipped out for a milk stout!

[Dennis and Neville return to the hospital to see Hedley. His condition has worsened. He now has the mask attached to his face.]

Dennis: [From outside the ward] Oh, he's got the doings on, look. He mustn't be too good.
Neville: Aye. [Tuts] It's rotten to be old, isn'it? At least, old and sick and on your own.
Dennis: Aye, it must be. Aye.
Neville: You see 'em back home an' all, don't you? Queuing up on pension day, outside the post office. Hunched up against that cold wind. Sittin' in front of a one-bar gas fire, with a tin of pet food.
Dennis: Oh, knock it off, man, Neville!
Neville: Well...
Dennis: There's no need to be so bloody maudlin. Hey, I'm ten years nearer pension day than you, remember?
Neville: [As they enter the ward] I'll see you all right, Dennis. You can come over Sundays and Brenda'll do you a leg of lamb.
Nurse: Hello. You come again?
Neville: Yeah.
Dennis: Er... is he not too good?
Nurse: No, not today.
Neville: Oh, well... Could you just give him these three oranges and tell him we popped in? [Holds out a bag of oranges]
Nurse: No, no. You see him. It will be good for him. Just a little time, yes? [They go over to Hedley's bedside] Look, your friends are here.
Dennis: Hello, Hedley.
Nurse: [Taking Hedley's mask off] Just a few minutes, yes? [She leaves.]
Hedley: [Weakly] Am I still here?
Dennis: Course you're still here! Where d'you think you were goin' to, like? [Neville puts the oranges at the foot of the bed]
Hedley: You may well ask.
Neville: [Pointing to the tin] What's this, then, Hedley? Been goin' through your things again, have yer? [Opens the tin.]
Hedley: I like to put my affairs in order.
Neville: Aye. [Takes out an envelope] What's this?
Hedley: [Snatching the envelope away] Leave that bugger alone. It's got nowt to do with you.
Neville: Sorry.
Hedley: Some things are private, yer know. [Coughs. Dennis puts the mask over Hedley's face.]
Neville: Shall we get the Sister? [Hedley breathes heavily.]
Dennis: He's alreet. He's alreet now. Just put that tin away. [Neville does so.]
Hedley: [Taking the mask off and letting it drop by his side. Now slightly delirious] Ever... ever been to the Dales?
Dennis: Eh?
Hedley: Well, before the war, he had a farm.
Neville: Who?
Hedley: An uncle. An uncle of ours. Before the war, we went by train. They called us townies. We'd never seen cows, or fields.
Dennis: Was this your sister and you?
Hedley: Aye, she was there. Me mam, dad. Our Norman got drunk. Dad took his belt off. Ha! Oh, dear! He couldn't sit down! He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't. Not in front of us. Not in front of the young 'uns.
Neville: [To Dennis] Norman must've been his big brother, eh?
Dennis: Could've been, aye. [To Hedley] So, you had some happy times, Hedley, yeah?
Hedley: Mabel got bit. The goat bit her. [Goes to sleep, breathing heavily.]
Dennis: [To Neville] Better leave him be. [They get up. Dennis moves the oranges to Hedley's bedside cupboard, and they go to the door.]
Neville: Is he all right?
Dennis: Aye, he's okay, aye. He'd turn blue if he was bad, Neville. [They leave the ward.]
Neville: You know how to look after him, don't you, Den?
Dennis: Oh-ho, you'll look after me when I get old, won't you, Nev?
Neville: Promise. You'll want for nothing. [Starts walking faster than Dennis] I'm not talkin' too fast for you, am I, Grandad? [They playfight for a moment.]

[Dennis and Neville leave Bomber to get his cast off. They go to Hedley's ward, but his bed is empty, except for his tin and the envelope...]

Sister: Oh, you come again?
Dennis: Yeah. Er... have you moved him?
Sister: I'm sorry, he's died.
Neville: Eh?
Sister: It was expected.
Neville: But... he was only... here yesterday.
Sister: Of course, but...
Dennis: Here, Neville, well, I mean...
Sister: One minute. [She goes to the bed and picks up Hedley's belongings.]
Dennis: Like the Sister says, you know, it was... for the best. It was expected.
Sister: He has no family in Germany since his wife's death.
Dennis: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Nurse: [Passing through with pillowcases] Vorsicht! Vorsicht! Darf ich bitte vorbei. Danke schön. (Excuse me! Excuse me! Can I get through, please? Thank you very much.)
Sister: So, perhaps you wish to take this.
Dennis: Oh. Okay then, thanks. [Takes Hedley's belongings from the Sister.]
Sister: He was looking at these before he... It was the last thing he was holding.
Dennis: Really? [The Sister leaves the ward.]
Neville: [Upset] I cannae believe it.
Dennis: Aye. It shakes you up a bit, son, doesn't it?
Neville: [Sitting on the bed] I've, erm, I've never experienced death before. Not first hand. I mean, me dad died, but I was just a nipper. A few relatives I hardly knew.
Dennis: [Opening the envelope] Yeah, well... we barely knew him, I mean, did we?
Neville: No, but we were gettin' to know him though, weren't we? And then, next day, just like that...
Dennis: Yer see, Neville, I mean, you're a young lad, you know. You go to christenings and weddings. You know, once you start gettin' a bit older, you... you get used to goin' to funerals, yer kna.
Neville: I suppose so. [Dennis takes out the items in the envelope.] What's those?
Dennis: Oh, some old, er, postcards. [He looks through them] The Lake District... Vale of Evesham... Hey, yer kna, despite what the old bugger said, I reckon, er... he missed England after all, yer know.
Neville: Where will he be buried, Dennis?
Dennis: Well, here, I suppose. I mean, he didn't have anybody else, did he?
Neville: He had a sister.
Dennis: [Looks at Neville] So what?
Neville: I think he'd have wanted to go back home.

[Back at the hut, Dennis and Neville break the news...]

Moxey: [Sees the postcards] What's all that?
Neville: Ah, it was old Hedley's.
Moxey: Oh. How is he?
Dennis: He, er... he died today. [Moxey and Wayne's faces turn sorrowful.]
Moxey: Oh. Poor old sod. A whole lifetime in a biscuit tin. I hope I amount to more than that.
Dennis: Er, look, lads, now that you're all here, there's, er, somethin' that Neville and I wanted to talk over with you.
Oz: Oh, aye? What's that?
Dennis: Well, you see, the thing is, we reckon the old fella would've wanted to have gone home.
Bomber: I thought he hated Blighty.
Dennis: Well, he said he did, Bomber. But y'see, the last things he was lookin' at was photographs of England.
Neville: Aye, and last time we seen him, he was gettin' very sentimental, like.
Dennis: Now, I know the rest of you didn't know the old bloke, an' you're not beholden or anythin' like that, but the thing is, we just don't fancy the idea of him being buried here.
Moxey: How much would it cost, you know, to send a b-body back?
Dennis: Well, I don't know yet. You see, we were all waitin' on you, you know, to see how you felt in principle. But, er, I've been onto the hospital authorities and they're waitin' on us.
Bomber: Sounds fair enough. What family's he got? [Oz listens intently]
Dennis: We've got the address of his sister.
Wayne: Well, we'll give her a bell then, eh?
Neville: We tried that, she's not on the phone.
Barry: Well, send a telegram, then.
Dennis: Well, that doesn't seem advisable, Barry. She can't be any spring chicken herself. I mean, yer kna, if she gets bad news like this, I mean, the shock could kill her.
Neville: Anyways, see, the point is, she only lives in Hemel Hempstead. [Turns to Wayne] And we thought as...
Dennis: As you're going for the weekend, Wayne...
Wayne: No, no, no. Do me a favour, lads!
Neville: Howay, man, it's only a short train ride from London. You could drop in and break the news gently to her. [Oz gets an idea how he can smuggle the porn videos into the UK...] Maybe give her his things.
Dennis: If she's flush, she'll probably pay the expenses. And, if not, we can all chip in, can't we?
Wayne: No, no. I said I'm sorry. I'm going back for the wedding, right? Okay, I've got the whole weekend mapped out. I'm gonna buy me some clothes, get meself strumped, and go and get drunk with the lads.
Oz: Well, what a despicable attitude, eh? [Gets off his bed] I hope you never die abroad, London!
Wayne: Here, hang about.
Oz: Yeah?
Wayne: You never knew him, Oz.
Oz: He was a Brit, wasn'he? An' if us Brits cannae stick together in a foreign land, who can, eh? I mean, I think this man deserves to be laid to rest on his native soil! Eh?
Wayne: Well, if you feel that strongly about it...
Oz: Well, it's the only decent thing to do man, isn'it? All right?
Wayne: All right, all right. I just hope God puts this in my plus column when I snuff it, mate!
Bomber: You could do with a few credits, boyo.
Oz: It's the only decent thing to do, isn'it?
Neville: Thanks, Oz.
Oz: Oh, it's nothin'. You can do the same for me sometime. Well, not for a while, I hope. [Oz gets his towel and leaves, followed by Moxey.]
Neville: [To the others] Wonders never cease!

[As Oz and Moxey walk to the bathroom cabin...]

Moxey: Are you, er... C-Catholic, Oz?
Oz: Not that I kna of. What for?
Moxey: Well, I mean, you must be some sort of Christian. I never knew you had such d-depth of conviction.
Oz: [Laughs] Moxey, man, we've just found wor import licence, man!

[Wayne goes to Hemel Hempstead to break the news to Hedley's sister. He goes to the front door, but no-one is in. He goes into the back garden, where he sees someone in the greenhouse.]

Wayne: [Knocks on the greenhouse] Excuse me?
Bob: Yes?
Wayne: Is this the home of Mrs. Mabel Hilton?
Bob: Yes.
Wayne: You must be Mr. Hilton, then.
Bob: Yes. Come round here. [He meets Wayne at the greenhouse door] Is this about the estimate for the roof?
Wayne: You what? No.
Bob: Oh... well, we've waited long enough for it. He was supposed to come last Tuesday, and he never turned up. And Mabel stayed in all day. Missed the shops.
Wayne: Look, is, er, Mabel in?
Bob: She's at the laundrette. Who are you, then?
Wayne: My name's Wayne. But, er, I'm afraid I've brought you and your good lady wife some rather unpleasant news.
Bob: It is about that bloomin' roof!
Wayne: No, no, it's not. It's er... It's about Mabel's brother. Hedley.
Bob: Hedley? What about him?
Wayne: I'm afraid he's died, sir.
Bob: I thought he died years ago.

[Bob invites Wayne into the house.]

Bob: [Enters the living room with two bottles of beer and two glasses] Here we are.
Wayne: [Takes a bottle and glass] Oh, thanks, Mr. Hilton.
Bob: Bob. Call me Bob. [Sits down in an armchair. Wayne sits on the sofa. They start pouring beer into their glasses] No... I never knew Hedley. I wouldn't know him from Adam. He was in Germany when I married Mabel and he never came back. She never speaks about him.
Wayne: Well, I never knew him myself, squire. See, it was me mates what met him. [Raises his glass and starts to drink.] I brought this. [Takes the tin out of a bag.] Some of his bits and pieces. There' nothing of any value, you know, except sentimental.
Bob: [On hearing the front door closing] That'll be the wife. Here, put your glass onto the mat, will you? She doesn't like beer stains on the mahogany.
Wayne: Oh, right. [He does so. Mabel enters the room.]
Bob: Hello, love. We've got visitors.
Mabel: Oh, oh yes? I'll just get me things off. [Takes off her coat]
Wayne: Er... Hello, Mrs. Hilton. My name's Wayne. [He shakes her hand]
Bob: He comes from Germany.
Mabel: Oh. Oh, it's not about the roof, then?
Bob: He knew Hedley.
Mabel: Hedley?!
Wayne: Yeah. Some of my mates met him in this hospital.
Bob: He's dead, Mabel.
Mabel: [Not reacting to the news] Put the kettle on, dear. [She gives Bob her coat.]
Bob: Yes, of course, dear. [He grabs his glass of beer and makes for the kitchen]
Wayne: Look, I'm sorry. But it was quite peaceful, like.
Mabel: Sit down, young man.
Wayne: Right. Thanks. [He sits down again. Mabel sits on the armchair.]
Mabel: How did you say you knew Hedley?
Wayne: Well, I didn't. Not directly, you see. My mates did. Apparently, he was quite a character, from all accounts. Anyhow, just before he snu... erm, passed on, like, he was showing the lads these things, you know. [Shows her the tin] Photos an' that. That's how we got your address. And, well, me and me mates, we thought he'd like to be buried here in England. [He offers her the tin.]
Mabel: But if he's died in Germany, he should be buried in Germany, shouldn't he?
Wayne: Eh? But... he's your brother, ain't he?
Mabel: That, young man, is my misfortune. Hedley was a wicked, wicked man. He left a wife here in 1943, met up with some German girl, and poor Nora's never heard a word since. Not had a penny, neither! [Scoffs] He always was a wrong 'un. An' I don't expect time's made a farthing's difference.
Wayne: Hold on, he got turned over by the Army, didn't he? I mean, cashiered for fraternisation.
Mabel: They chucked him out, if that's what you mean. But it wasn't for fraternisation. It was for selling two thousand British Army headlamps to the Russians!
Wayne: [In disbelief] Nah...
Mabel: Oh... He was nothin' more than bad news, our Hedley. And if you and your friends have got him, you can bloody well keep him! [Wayne is left speechless.]

[Wayne phones Dennis back at the site.]

Dennis: No, no. Of course. You did the right thing, Wayne, in the circumstances. ...Well, I mean, especially if she... if she feels like that about it. ...No, I'll phone the undertakers. Er, it'll not have left yet.

[On the site...]

Neville: Poor old Hedley, eh?
Dennis: "Poor old Hedley"? You're jokin', aren't yer? He were a right little rascal. Aye, he made a fool of us right enough!
Bomber: He must have fooled a lot more over the years.
Dennis: He was a little waster, Bomber. He wasn't cashiered, yer kna. Court martialled, man.
Neville: I still think it's a shame, especially after all the work we've put in. Especially Oz.
Dennis: Hey, Oz'll be at the airport, I've have to get after him. [Puts down his trowel and starts to run off]
Neville: Oh, aye, aye.
Bomber: Wait a minute, Den. [Den stops.] Old Bomber may be on the slow side, but he's given Oz a lot of thought these last few days.
Dennis: What are you gettin' at?
Bomber: He had some scheme in mind about selling pornographic videos.
Neville: Porno videos?
Dennis: [Thinking back to earlier in the week...] "Adult. Liable to give offence."
Bomber: I knows that 'cos I saw them in his locker.
Dennis: Yeah, so? What?
Bomber: Well, I know they're not there now, 'cos I looked. And I don't want you to think I'm being vindictive just 'cos he mangled my foot, but they're gone. And so's the coffin.
Neville: The coffin [Finally putting 2 and 2 together...] Oh, hey, I cannae believe that, Bomber!
Dennis: Can't you, Neville? Eh? Big-hearted Oz, all of a sudden? Sick grandads in London? Makes sense to me!
Bomber: Now let's look at it this way. If he's really got a sick grandfather, then his trip's worthwhile. But if he's been having us on, he deserves everything he gets!

[At Wayne's sister's wedding...]

Oz: [From behind a tomb] Wayne! Come here, man! [Wayne leaves the wedding party as they're having their wedding photos taken and rushes to Oz]
Wayne: What are you doin' here?
Oz: Never mind that. What's happened to Hedley?
Wayne: She didn't want to know. Hated the sight of him. But it's all right, I rung the lads.
Oz: What's happened to the body?
Wayne: Don't worry, it's been cremated. [A church bell peals ominously]
Oz: What? Oh, no! [Breaks down as he realises his, Barry's and Moxey's money is up in smoke] Oh, no! No!
Wayne: You know, I never thought you'd take it that badly, son. [Oz wails loudly and uncontrollably.]

The Lovers[edit]

[At The Tivoli, an upmarket bar, Oz and Wayne go on a double date with Uli and Heidi]

Uli: Sieht sehr gut aus. Ja, stimmt das. (Looks good, that... yes, that's right.)
Heidi: Aber kann nicht glauben, daß sein Vater Besitzer ist. (I can't believe his father is the owner.)
Wayne: What's that, loves, eh? [A waitress brings their drinks over.]
Uli: He doesn't look rich.
Wayne: No, no. He does his best to be like one of the lads, Oz. See, his father owns the business we all work for, you know. And, er... Oz takes over when the old man retires, you know. In the meantime he's got to work as a common bricklayer, just for three months, as he learns the business from all sides, like, you know.
Oz: [Having been to the toilet, returns to his seat, fiddling with his collar.] Right! Cheers, girls. I'm as dry as a boot.
Uli: Wayne was telling us about your father.
Oz: Oh, that bugger? [Wayne glances at Oz] Oh, that bugger! Oh, aye. Good bloke, me old man. Started from nothin', yer know, and er... built an empire. Isn't that right, Wayne?
Wayne: Yeah, yeah. That's right. Erm... I was just telling the girls, you know, how one day it'll all be yours.
Oz: Oh, yeah. There's... there's McAlpine's, and Wimpey's, and then there's Osbourne & Son, that's us.
Uli: In the meantime you are just one of the boys?
Oz: Look again, pet. One of the men! [Uli seems rather taken with Oz.]

[A short time later, Wayne and Oz emerge from the toilets]

Oz: 'Ere, Wayne, Wayne? I'm not sure I can keep this up, yer kna.
Wayne: I didn't think you had that sort of problem, Oz. [Chuckles]
Oz: Nah, nah, man, yer kna what I'm talking aboot - stringin' the bird along, man.
Wayne: 'Ere, you're all right, mate. It's just a matter of, er, establishing your credibility, you know. The rest is down to your personal magnetism, innit, son?

[They return to the lounge]

Oz: I dunno why you've gotta cut out so soon.
Wayne: Yes, well that's divide and rule, that's what I always say. See, I've been spending so much time in your case, I've been neglecting the lovely Heidi, ain't I?
Oz: Well, look, you'll have to lend us a couple of hundred.
Wayne: I thought Nev gave you fifty.
Oz: He did. He did, but it's not gonna last long in this place, at these prices, is it? I mean, this Uli looks sophisticated. I mean, she might want steak.
Wayne: [Hands some money to Oz] Look, here's a couple of hundred, right? Now, if that runs out, use your American Express Gold Card, right?
Oz: Oh, yes, I never leave the hut without it, do I(?)
Wayne: [As they return to Uli and Heidi] All right, girls?
Oz: Right, girls. Hey! Ready for another drinkies? [They nod] Yeah? Get 'em in, Wayne.

[Back at the hut, Dennis and Neville are learning some basic German. Neville, holding the phrase book, mimes driving a car to a petrol station.]

Dennis: Guten Tag, mein Herr.
Neville: [Mimes winding the window down] Was? (What?)
Dennis: [Rolls his eyes] Guten Tag, mein Herr.
Neville: Guten Tag. Benzin, bitte. (Petrol, please.)
Dennis: Wieviel Benzin? (How much petrol?)
Neville: Dreissig Liter, bitte. (Thirty litres, please.)
Dennis: Thirty, is that thirty?
Neville: [Consulting the phrase book] Aye.
Barry: [Doing his ironing] Now, that sounds really German that does, y'know. I really admire you two for taking the opportunity for educational advancement, you know. When you get back to England, you could have another string to your bow.
Moxey: 'Ey, they'll be able to order petrol on the M1 in Germany.
Dennis: Wollen Sie ein Trink, Neville? (Want to come out for a drink, Neville?)
Neville: Ja, ja, das is ein gut idea.
Moxey: What's that mean?
Dennis: We're goin' over the club for a drink. Are you comin', Barry?
Barry: No, no. No, thanks, I'd better get through this ironing. "Permanent press" seems to have lost its meaning these days.
Dennis: Moxey?
Moxey: [Eating from a tin] I'd like to, y'know, but, er, I'm skint.
Neville: [Getting his coat out of his locker] Ah, don't worry about that, Mox, man. Oz paid us back that fifty he owed us.
Moxey: Oh, right.
Neville: [Checks under his pillow - the fifty is gone.] Oh, no!
Dennis: What's the matter?
Neville: He must've took it back again!
Moxey: Well, he's got an important date down the Tivoli.
Neville: He never asked, though. He makes me mad!
Barry: He takes advantage of your good nature, Nev, if you ask me.
Neville: [Snatches his coat of the bed] Do a bloke like Oz a favour and he walks all o'er yer! Can yer see the footprints up me face? [Puts his coat on, making for the door as he does]
Dennis: Look, you can't do anything about it tonight, Neville.
Neville: I can and I will! There's a principle involved here! He's tried this on once too often! [He leaves the hut. Dennis shrugs. A few seconds later, Neville comes back...] Where'd you say he'd went?
Moxey: Er, down the Tivoli, it was.
Neville: Right. I'm off down there.
Dennis: Auf Wiedersehen, mein Freund.
Neville: Bollocks! [Leaves again.]

[Back at the Tivoli, Oz and Uli continue their date...]

Oz: Strange quirk of fate this, isn'it? Y'know? I mean... who'd have thought that me, who's always hated Krauts...
Uli: [Not understanding] You've always hated what?
Oz: Er... Crowds. Crowds. Traffic. I've always liked the countryside, yer know.
Uli: Oh. I too. But you were saying about fate.
Oz: Yeah, well, I mean, who would've thought that I'd be expanding the family empire here in Germany?
Uli: Where will you live?
Oz: Well, in a hut. Y'see, we couldn't get any decent hostel accommodation because it co... [Trying to keep to his story] Oh, right! Where will I live? Erm... well... in the mountains, over a river, yer know. A small castle would just about do it. After all, I'm all alone. Where do you live, Uli?
Uli: Oh... please, I'd rather not talk about me.
Oz: You're not married, are yer?
Uli: Divorced.
Oz: Oh, right, aye. Dennis is gettin' a divorce. That's Dennis, one of the lads who works for us, yer know. Oh, it's costin' him a fortune in maintenance.
Uli: I try to be independent with money. I have my own job.
Oz: Have yer?
Uli: As a beauty consultant.
Oz: Oh, right, right. Well, that's a canny job, isn'it? Hey, listen, you'll have to do me toenails sometime!
Uli: [Chuckles] It's hard to be independent with a jealous boyfriend.
Oz: [Taken aback somewhat] Boyfriend? [Uli nods] What, is he... a big bloke, is he?
Uli: [Hesitantly] Yes... but he's not so important as you are. I've wanted to leave him for a long time, but, er... he's very possessive.
Oz: Well, I can be very possessive meself, yer know, when I have to be! I can be when the need arises...
Neville: [Entering the lounge] Oz, I want a word with you. [Sees Uli] Oh, excuse me, pet. Er, I just want a quick word with the chief here.
Uli: Oh, is this one of your men?
Oz: Er... yeah, one of the lads. That's aboot it. [Reaches into his pocket]
Uli: So, you are in Oz's company?
Neville: Aye, day and night(!)
Oz: Yeah, well, look, er... I kna what yer after, son. Listen... [Hands out a fifty mark note] Will fifty do yer?
Neville: [Taking the money] Oh... thanks, Oz. You're a gentleman!
Oz: I kna, I kna, but, yer kna... there's no need to tell everybody aboot it, man.
Neville: Right, er... good night, miss.
Oz: Now, don't be late in the mornin', will yer? [Neville leaves the bar, a bit confused] Young and daft, yer kna. [Raises his beer] Cheers!

[In the hut, Bomber sews a button on to Wayne's jacket]

Wayne: So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Bomber: Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Wayne: Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
Dennis: [Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Neville: Das ist ein grosse Bier.

[Oz enters the hut in a sweater decorated with Saturn, stars in multiple colours and orange UFOs. The lads cheer and laugh uproariously.]

Dennis: Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
Wayne: I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
Oz: Aye, you can(!)
Barry: It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
Moxey: Barry!
Oz: This is for the best, this!
Wayne: Where'd you get it, Oz?
Oz: She gave us a present, didn't she?
Neville: She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oz: Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Moxey: Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
Oz: [Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
Moxey: The Queen Mother?!
Oz: Eh?
Dennis: Fiancée?
Oz: Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
Dennis: What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Oz: Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.

[On the site, Dennis, Neville and Bomber have a tea break. Oz joins them...]

Oz: Howay, then, lads. That's enough lazing around. Shall we...?
Dennis: What's the panic, like?
Oz: Ah, yer kna, the Erics have started. Doesn't do to lag behind, does it? [Sees Herr Ulrich passing through the site] Oh, guten Tag, Herr Ulrich! Wie geht's? (How are you?)
Ulrich: [Rather surprised] Mir geht's ganz gut, Osbourne. Und ich bin sehr beeindruckt, daß Sie Deutsch spechen versuchen. (I'm fine, Osbourne, and I'm very impressed that you're trying to speak German.)
Oz: ...Pardon?
Dennis: He says he's very impressed, Oz, that you're trying to learn German.
Oz: Oh, aye! Well, just a few words, like. I haven't got that far yet.
Ulrich: Ja, but you're trying, Osbourne. That's good. Also, you're now starting back to work quickly. [Oz nods.] In Germany, just because we have a break does not mean we always take it. [Walks off]
Dennis: [Ruefully] That's great, that is, isn'it, eh? We're on a legitimate break, he makes it look as if we're skivin'!
Bomber: Still creeping 'round the Germans, then?
Oz: Nah, nah, man. Look, since I've been seein' Uli, Bomber, I've seen things in a different light. I mean, I now realise it takes all sorts to make a world. I mean, the average German's alreet. Compared to them Turks.
Bomber: Ah, it's good to know he hasn't changed that much, Bomber, eh?
Neville: What's wrong with the Abduls?
Oz: Look, they account for half the crime in German cities.
Bomber: Oh, cobblers!
Oz: Have a look around, man. The only dirty parts in this town are the parts where the Abduls live.
Dennis: That's not their fault, man. They're over here as sweated labour. They get the worst housing, the lowest wages.
Oz: They're unclean in their habits, Dennis. [Goes off to start work, followed by Neville.]
Neville: So, you're still pretty keen on this Uli, then, Oz, eh?
Oz: You've seen her.
Neville: Sure. I'm not sayin' she's not attractive, but, er, you are a married man, Oz.
Oz: Ah, howay, Nev, man! We got married too young, man. We stuck it out eight years. That's long enough. I mean, let's face it, me and Marjorie's not exactly Charles and Diana, is we?
Neville: No...
Oz: I mean, I don't kid meself, Marjorie's a bit flighty. She's still seein' that bloke from the breweries, yer kna.
Neville: Well, you should've put a stop to that a long time ago.
Oz: What? Have yer seen the size of 'im? He lifts them barrels up with one hand, man!

[In the hut, an argument breaks out over what colour to paint it...]

Dennis: Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.
Neville: Well, I like pink.
Dennis: Ah, Neville, man...
Neville: When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.
Bomber: I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.
Moxey: What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?
Wayne: Could do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.
Barry: Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.
Wayne: Sounds like a bloody council estate.
Neville: What's wrong with that?
Moxey: You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.
Barry: Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.
Bomber: Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.
Neville: Right. I'll have my bit pink.
Bomber: Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!
Wayne: And that'll make him see red, won't it?
Dennis: Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.
Barry: Well spoken, Dennis.
Dennis: We've got to agree on one decent colour.
Barry: Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.
Wayne: Oh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)
Barry: Aye.

[In the bar, Barry tallies up the scores...]

Moxey: Oh, 'ey. Come 'ead, Barry. The suspense is killin' us.
Barry: Have a bit of patience, Moxey.
Wayne: Apparently, the polls are predicting purple.
Dennis: Aye, well, the Poles don't have to live in our hut, do they?
Barry: Can I have your attention, please, for a moment? [Clears throat] I, as returning officer... [The others shout him down, telling him to get on with it] All right, all right. The votes as cast are as follows. The winner is... yellow.
Dennis: Yellow?!
Barry: By... well, one point.
Dennis: Who voted yellow?
Wayne: I don't like yellow.
Bomber: Me neither. It's not a man's colour!
Moxey: It's a fiddle!
Bomber: I demands a recount!
Barry: Figures don't lie, y'know.
Wayne: So, whose first choice was it then, 'ey?
Barry: [Glances down at his sheet] Nobody's.
Bomber: Well, then, how could it win?
Barry: Because no two people had the same first choice.
Dennis: So... so everybody's first choice only got two points?
Barry: That's right, and yellow got three second places.
Dennis: Well that’s a smashing system that is, Barry, isn'it? Eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants.
Barry: That’s democracy, Dennis.

[Bomber goes into town with a friend for a massage at a parlour run by a Turkish man...]

Kemal: Guten Abend, mein Herren.
Bomber: Good evening.
Kemal: Ah, you English. The English are always welcome here. I will get someone to take good care of you. [Claps his hands] Won't be long. [Out comes the masseuse. It's Uli, but Bomber doesn't know.]
Bomber: [As he goes into the back] Have we met before, my dear?
Uli: I do not think so. My name is Uli. [The penny drops with Bomber.]

[After his massage, Bomber goes to the bar. Wayne, Neville and Dennis are there.]

Wayne: He does look relaxed, eh? Done your neck the power of good, has it, sunshine?
Bomber: [To the barman] Can I have one here, chief? [Asks the others] Is Oz around?
Dennis: Nah. He's, er... over the hut, helpin' with the decorating.
Neville: Lyin' on his bed, criticising!
Wayne: He's very good at interior decor, our Oz(!) [He, Dennis and Neville laugh]
Neville: [Noticing Bomber is a little bit quiet] What's the matter, Bomb?
Bomber: It's a bit awkward, and I think this should go no further.
Dennis: What?
Bomber: I met Uli tonight.
Wayne: Uli? What, Oz's Uli?
Neville: I thought you'd went to a massage parlour, eh?
Bomber: I did. That's the point.
Dennis: Never!
Neville: She works there?!
Bomber: Head girl, by the looks of it.
Wayne: I don't believe it. I met her through that Heidi, you know?
Dennis: What, is she in that game as well?
Wayne: Nah, nah, nah. She works on the cosmetic counter at Millers, she does. Well, at least I hope she does. Certainly smells like it!
Dennis: Look, are you sure it was her, Bomber?
Bomber: Her name was Uli, and I recognised her from the photograph.
Neville: So... she's not a beauty consultant?
Wayne: Well, what do you think she does 'round there, son, eh? Facials?
Bomber: It gets worse. According to my mate Dieter, who took me there, her boyfriend's the bloke that owns the place. Nasty piece of work, he looks.
Neville: So, she lied to 'im.
Dennis: That makes two of 'em, doesn't it?
Wayne: Well, I call it poetic jutsice meself.
Neville: Are we ganna tell 'im?
Dennis: [Noticing everyone looking at him] I suppose I'll have to, eh?
Neville: Oz might be very upset, yer kna. Emotionally, like.
Wayne: That's a sobering thought, ain't it, eh?

[Having been told the truth about Uli by Dennis, Oz goes to the parlour looking for her...]

Uli: [On the phone] Wir erwarten Sie um drei Uhr? Bis dann. (Will three o'clock suit you? See you then.) [She puts the phone down, then notices Oz glaring at her]
Oz: So, it's true, eh?
Uli: How did you find me here?
Oz: Never mind, love. Get yer coat on, I wanna talk to you.
Uli: I cannot. Perhaps later.
Oz: Later?! I think the sooner the better, d'you not?
Kemal: [Entering the reception] Guten Abend.
Oz: Evenin'.
Kemal: Ah, you English! English are always welcome here.
Uli: The gentleman is not staying.
Kemal: Is that not so?
Oz: Apparently not. But listen, Uli, we've got to have a talk, an' there's things to be said, isn't there? Look, I'll be in the Tivoli tomorrow night, eh? [He leaves.]
Kemal: [Admonishes Uli in Turkish]
Uli: Das ist nicht. (It was nothing.)
Kemal: Nicht? Nicht?! (Nothing? Nothing?!) [He continues to shout at her in Turkish and hits her across the face.]

[Oz returns to the site and sees Uli's car...]

Oz: Uli? [Kemal gets out of the car] Oh, it's you.
Kemal: You English bastard! [Pulls a switchblade on Oz.]

[Oz runs, but Kemal chases after him. The Turks see Kemal and hold him off while Oz runs into his hut for cover. Oz shuts the door and grabs the table, sending cans of paint flying across the hut and paint spilling onto the floor. Oz and Bomber use the table to barricade the back door. The lads shout at Kemal from inside, while the Turks try to talk Kemal out of stabbing Oz. Eventually, Kemal and the Turks all start laughing and jeering.]

Oz: Ha ha ha(!) What are you bloody laughin' at?

[The Turks manage to convince Kemal to leave, much to the lads, and Oz's, bewilderment.]

Oz: He had a great big bloody knife, man. He was gonna try an' kill us!
Bomber: It was them saved your life, then.
Oz: What are ye talkin' aboot, man? He's one of them.
Dennis: Well, whatever he said, he's made them change their mind. I reckon you owe them a bit of an apology, the way you've been runnin' 'em down.
Barry: [Standing over the spilled paint] Oh, someone give us a cloth, will you?
Wayne: Fair dos, Oz. I reckon you ought to go 'round there in the morning and say thanks.
Oz: Oh, aye? Take 'em a bouquet of flowers, like, an' a little note? Listen, mate, one of them Abduls tries to stick a knife in me guts, right? Another one stops 'em. That makes it even-steven as far as I'm concerned, right? [Heads his locker where the paint has spilled]
Barry: Don't step in it! You're makin' it worse! [Oz slips and falls onto his bed, right onto an erotic painting Barry bought, ripping the canvas]

[On the site the following morning, the Turks point and laugh at Oz.]

Neville: They're at it again.
Dennis: Every time they see Oz it's a big joke. [Shouts down to the Turks] 'Ey! What's so funny, eh? [The Turks continue to laugh and jeer] Ho ho ho(!) [Confused, the lads climb down the ladder.] Oi... Here, here. Why you laugh at Oz?
Oz: Aye.
Turkish worker: This man saying, "Him taking my woman, I cutting him."
Oz: So? So what, like?
Dennis: What? You lads say what?
Turkish worker: I say, "No cutting him. He's our friend, working together", but he says, "No, him taking my woman. I cutting him." Very mad.
Oz: Very mad? You can say that again. He's off his bloody rocker!
Dennis: Shut up, man, Oz! So, how did you change his mind?
Turkish worker: I saying quick, "He's not taking your woman. We knowing this man. He's not taking any woman. He have nothing with women!"
Oz: What?
Turkish worker: We saying, "He nothing for woman, this man."
Oz: [To Dennis] What's he talkin' aboot? "Nothing for woman, this man."
Dennis: Very ingenious, aye!
Turkish worker: So he laugh and go away. [The Turks laugh and turn to carry on with their work, as do Dennis, Neville and Bomber.]
Oz: Hey, hey, Dennis? Here, what are they on aboot here?
Dennis: Oz, they saved your bacon.
Oz: Yeah, yeah, but how?
Dennis: [Chuckling] Said you were a poofter! [Everyone laughs, while Oz just looks confused and/or offended]

[At the Tivoli, Oz has a drink with Uli. She has bruises across her face.]

Oz: [Handing Uli a drink] You look like you could do with that.
Uli: Cheers.
Oz: Cheers. [They raise their glasses. Oz sees the extent of the bruises] He do that to you, did he?
Uli: [Nods] Yeah.
Oz: I'm not surprised. Bloody maniac. He come after me with a knife, yer know.
Uli: Yes, you told me.
Oz: Did he tell you about that the...
Uli: What the Turk said?
Oz: Aye. [Uli chuckles and nods] Yeah. Well, I suppose he were only trying to help, yer know. What a bloody cheek, though!
Uli: Well, I didn't tell him that I know better. Look, I'm sorry I lied to you. I want to explain. You were my only chance to get out, to go to England where he couldn't hurt me.
Oz: You must've been pretty desperate to pick a bloke like me.
Uli: You were nice, and kind.
Oz: Yeah, and rich?
Uli: Oh, no, that had nothing to do with it.
Oz: ...Really?
Uli: Well, of course.
Oz: 'Cos, er... it wasn't true, yer kna.
Uli: No?
Oz: Nah. Well, you weren't the only one that sort of made things out to be er, yer kna, a little bit different to what they were. Listen, I'm not any tycoon's son. My dad hasn't even got a business.
Uli: No?
Oz: Nah. My old man was a layabout and a drunk. He buggered off when I was a bairn. Last thing I saw of him was, er, huntin' around the house for a pair of socks, prior to pissing off to the Persian Gulf on an oil tanker. See... I spun that whole yarn just to try and impress you, yer kna. Kept it all going... just to keep you.
Uli: [Shocked] ...Well, I feel better that you also didn't tell the truth.
Oz: Well... you might as well know the lot. I'm married as well.
Uli: You're married?!
Oz: Officially. Only in England, mind. Yer kna... But I mean, you've got somebody as well, havvn't yer? I mean, you've got this Kemal bloke.
Uli: Yes, I have Kemal.
Oz: Look, Uli, I mean, the main thing is, you've got to give this bloke the elbow, haven't yer? You've gotta give him the heave-ho, the push, the shove... Leave the bugger! Yer know? I mean, try... Pack a bag and try a new town.
Uli: [Shaking her head] It's difficult.
Oz: I know, I know, but I thought maybes, yer kna, when this has all blown over I thought maybe we could pick it up where we left off.
Uli: Maybe, huh? But, you know, Kemal is a bad man, and I don't want any more trouble for you.
Oz: He'll not cause me any more trouble. He'll not cause you any more trouble either. He's only one man, yer kna.
Uli: Yes, but he has two brothers, and they're all bad people.
Oz: Yes, but I've got six mates, an' if we count the whole building site, that's nearly 100. I don't think the Kemal brothers'll wanna mess with that lot!

[At the parlour, Dennis, Moxey, Bomber and Wayne confront Kemal...]

Dennis: Being in the business, you know, it's easy for us to see how flimsy this construction is. [Pulls the blinds off the window] In't that right, lads?
Moxey: Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely Jerry-built.
Bomber: I could sneeze, it would fall down.
Dennis: What i'm sayin' is, y'see, we're just as good at demolition as we are at construction.
Kemal: [Takes his cigar out of his mouth] You are threatening me?
Bomber: Aye. That's the word.
Dennis: Listen. You lay one more finger on that girl, right... [Points to Bomber] ...and he'll hit you so hard your family'll feel it back in Istanbul!

Love and Other Four Letter Words[edit]

[In the site office, Dagmar gives her new assistant some work...]
Dagmar: Man will vier Kopien davon. Ich sage, wo man diese schicken muss. (Make four copies of this, and I'll tell you where to send them)
Dennis: [Entering the office] Hello.
Dagmar: [Taking off her glasses] Hello. [Introduces the assistant] Oh, Dennis, this is Christa. She has just come to work with us.
Dennis: Guten Tag, Frau Christa.
Christa: [Laughs] Guten Morgen.
Dagmar: Fräulein Christa.
Dennis: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Er... [Quiet] I was thinking about the weekend.
Dagmar: What about the weekend?
Dennis: Well...
Dagmar: It's all right. I don't think she speaks English.
Dennis: Oh, sure. I didn't want to compromise you, did I?
Dagmar: [Laughs] I think that already happened after our first weekend.
Dennis: Yeah, well, it's not common knowledge now, is it?
Dagmar: [Tuts] Come on. On this site? I should think by now it is history.
Dennis: Yeah, well, there's no panic, then, is there? I was just thinkin' that we might do somethin', might take off for the weekend. I've been puttin' in some overtime an' I'm flush, that's all.
Dagmar: Oh, that sounds very good. But I have to see about my mother.
Dennis: Well, er, have a think about it, okay?
Dagmar: Sure. [Dennis turns to leave] Oh, wait. The post. I think there is one for you here.
Dennis: That's all right. I'll just take them across.
Dagmar: All right. Thank you. [Dennis takes the post from Dagmar]
Dennis: Bye-bye, then. Wiedersehen. [Leaves the office.]
Christa: [To Dagmar] Erm... he is... your friend?
Dagmar: Oh, Sie sprechen doch Englisch? (Oh, so you do speak English, don't you?)
Christa: [Laughs] Enough.

[Lunch time. Neville joins Dennis on the scaffold.]

Neville: Any mail for me, Den?
Dennis: [Reading his letter] No. No, there's not, Neville.
Neville: I didn't expect none. I got a parcel from Brenda yesterday. She sent us a new jumper. Oh, and some of her sister's birthday cake. We'll have that later.
Dennis: Aye, smashing.
Neville: It's not bad news, is it?
Dennis: I don't know what to make of this, frankly.
Neville: How'd you mean?
Dennis: Well, it's from Vera. It says she wants to come out here.
Neville: Here?
Dennis: Aye. It says her sister's taking the bairns for the weekend and she could do with the break, and, er, "It would give us a chance to talk things over." What's she mean by that?
Neville: Aye... she probably wants to finalise things, like.
Dennis: Everything is finalised, man. The divorce has gone through. I dunno what there is to talk about. I mean, the solicitors did all the bloody talkin'. We didn't get a word in edgeways.
Neville: Well, like she says, it'll be a break for her.
Dennis: Well, if she wants a break, why doesn't her bloke take her somewhere, y'know? Eh? He's the one with the posh new car, good job...
Neville: Ah, he's a very busy man, though, Dennis. Probably can't find the time.

[Dennis is on the phone in the bar to Vera. She turns the television down.]

Vera: Dennis?
Dennis: Hi. Vera? Look, I've reversed the charges because it's such a nightmare with all them stacks of change.
Vera: So, are you all right?
Dennis: Yeah. How's the kids?
Vera: Ahh, they're fine. If I'd know you were gonna call, I'd have kept 'em up.
Dennis: Ah, well, don't keep 'em up, love.
Vera: I'll not now, I mean it's difficult enough as it is trying to get 'em up!
Dennis: How are ya, then?
Vera: I'm all right. Did you get me letter?
Dennis: 'Ey, what's this about you comin' out here?
Vera: Yes, well I thought it might be useful, you know, erm... I mean, I thought we could talk.
Dennis: Well, there doesn't seem much to talk about. The solicitors, they filled in all the blanks.
Vera: Yeah. I mean, I think that's the point, Dennis, you know? I think they took over. I mean, there was your lawyer and my lawyer and all these forms to fill in, statements to make...
Dennis: Yeah, well that's the way they work, isn'it? Know what I mean?
Vera: Absolutely, that's the point. I think that, in the middle of all that, somewhere you and I got lost, you know.
Dennis: That's how they make their money, love.
Vera: What?
Dennis: I said that's how they make their money.
Vera: I know, Dennis. Will you listen?
Dennis: Okay, pet, I'm listening. What?
Vera: I'm sayin' that I think that we got lost as people, as a couple. An' I think if I came out, we'd be away from all that pressure, all that procedure. I mean, we're still a family, aren't we?
Dennis: Are we?
Vera: Helen wants to take the kids up to the caravan in Seahouses.
Dennis: Yeah?
Vera: They could go to Bamburgh Castle and the Farne Islands, they'll have a whale of a time. It'd do them the world of good
Dennis: I agree, I agree, that's good for them, yeah.
Vera: Now, you sent us some extra.
Dennis: Well, I've been puttin' in some overtime, y'kna? It's the least I can do.
Vera: I really appreciate it. But I thought I could use that to fly out.
Dennis: What? D'you think it's worth havin' you fly all the way out here on your own?
Vera: Oh, Dennis, pet, please. Don't make it hard.
Dennis: Well, okay. All right, if... if that's what you want.

[Dennis finishes his conversation and joins Bomber at the bar]

Bomber: I got you one on.
Dennis: Cheers, Bomb. I reckon I could use one.
Bomber: Everything all right?
Dennis: Eh... you tell me, Bomber. You tell me.

[Bomber and Dennis walk through the site back to the hut.]

Bomber: It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.
Dennis: Aye, in the dole queue, eh?
Bomber: Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?
Dennis: I think I did, aye.
Bomber: Was it what I thought it was?
Dennis: I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?

[In the hut, the others have just had some chocolate cake sent by Brenda]

Wayne: [Standing] The toast is Brenda.
Barry: [As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.
Neville: And Brenda's sister.
Barry: Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.
Oz: Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.
Moxey: It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]
Oz: [Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?
Wayne: Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]
Oz: How now, Dennis!
Neville: [Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.
Wayne: Get stuck in, mate.
Neville: Some cake Brenda sent.
Bomber: That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.
Neville: There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.
Dennis: Why?
Neville: I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.
Dennis: [As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.
Bomber: Me too.
Neville: Why?
Oz: What for?
Barry: A spiffing bit of cake, that is!
Oz: I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]
Dennis: Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.
Oz: [With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?
Dennis: We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?
Bomber: Couldn't miss him.
Oz: Who, man?
Dennis: I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.

[Dagmar and Christa arrive at the site office. Oz has left some flowers in the office...]

Christa: Oh! Für wen sind die, denn? (Oh! Who are those for?)
Dagmar: Ist da eine Karte dabei? (Is there a card with it?)
Christa: Ja... Oh, es ist auf Englisch. (Yeah... Oh, it's in English.)
Dagmar: Hmm... [Reads the card] "To Yvette, from someone who has waited a long time."
Christa: [Laughs] Wass? (What?)
Dagmar: [Translating for Christa] "Fur Yvette, von jemandem, der schon seit langem warten."
Christa: [Confused] Wo ist denn Yvette? (Where's this Yvette?)

[Oz confronts Moxey, who told Oz that the new girl, Christa, was "Yvette" from his dream...]

Moxey: No, Oz! It wasn't my fault!
Barry: Don't hurt him, Oz!
Oz: [Pinning Moxey up against the wall, still covered in wet plaster] You won't take nowt serious, will yer? You, eh? Yer always pullin' some stunt or other!
Moxey: Oz, it was Dennis, honest!
Oz: Dennis? Dennis is too straight up to play funny buggers!
Barry: Oz! Oz, it was a genuine mistake. It was a genuine mistake, really. [Oz flings wet plaster over Moxey's head] Look, Moxey's not malicious, is he? He's naive, right, but not malicilous.
Moxey: [Getting up] Yeah. Right.
Barry: See? Just a genuine mistake, that's all.
Oz: [Turning on Barry] Well, so much for your bloody kismet, or whatever the hell you call it!
Barry: It's not my fault she weren't called Yvette, is it?
Oz: I feel a right berk now, though.
Moxey: 'Ey, Oz.
Oz: What?
Moxey: Yvette... Christa, Kismet, whatever her bloody name is... I mean, what's the difference? What's in a name?
Barry: Aye. I mean, she may not be preordained from another life, Oz, but she ain't half got lovely bosoms.

[Wayne finds Oz, who has reclaimed his flowers...]

Wayne: Hello, Oz. Who bought you them, then? [Chuckles]
Oz: Get stuffed.
Wayne: Oh, charming. Charming(!) No, seriously, though, what are they for?
Oz: Nowt. Money down the drain, man.
Wayne: You bought 'em for someone?
Oz: It's none of your business why I bought 'em!
Wayne: Yeah, all right! All right! I'm not trying to needle you.
Oz: Nah? You'd better not, neither, right? I've had a right bellyful today! [They walk towards]
Wayne: Hey, what are you gonna do with 'em?
Oz: I dunno. Sling 'em, I suppose.
Wayne: I'll take 'em off you.
Oz: How much?
Wayne: How much did you pay for 'em?
Oz: Fifteen quid.
Wayne: I'll give you half.
Oz: Half?! They're only two hours old, man.
Wayne: Yeah, but they're still second-hand, eh? I mean, there's not much demand for second-hand flowers, is there?
Oz: They're as good as new, look.
Wayne: They're wilting. Oh yeah, you should've put 'em in water, son, otherwise they wilt. Look at the petals. Definitely wilting.
Oz: Are they?
Wayne: Yeah. Well past their prime, sunbeam. I think £5 is a bit over-generous, really.
Oz: It was £7.50 at the bricks!
Wayne: Oh yeah, but they're wilting by the second, ain't they? I mean, the price goes down, son, even as we speak.

[Having bought the flowers from Oz, Wayne heads to the site office.]

Wayne: [Presenting the flowers to Christa] I'd like you to have these.
Dagmar: [On the phone as she watches] Es ist Ihnen ein kleiner Fehler mit Ihrer Buchhaltung unterlaufen. (You've made a small mistake in your accounting.)
Christa: Für mich? (For me?) And... it's not for Yvette, ja?
Wayne: Eh? No, no... they're for you... from me.
Dagmar: Now, Wayne, what is going on? Who do these flowers belong to?
Wayne: [Totally smitten] To her. As does my heart.

[At the end of the day, Wayne waits outside the office for Christa.]

Dagmar: [Looking out of the window] Ich glaube, da wartet jemand auf Sie. (I think there's someone waiting for you.)
Christa: Ach, was soll ich denn jetzt machen? (Oh, what do I do now?) [She sighs as she takes the flowers] Men...
Dagmar: Sie können sich für die Blumen bedanken. (You could say "thank you" for the flowers.) [They leave the office. Dagmar locks up.] Alles klar. (All right.)
Christa: Wiedersehen. (Goodbye.)
Dagmar: Tschüss. Bis Morgen. Schönen Abend noch. (Bye. See you tomorrow. Have a nice evening.)

[Christa walks to her car, she is approached by Wayne]

Wayne: Hello. I was just passing.
Christa: Erm... Why you buy for me these?
Wayne: Why did I buy..? I just felt like it. Y'know, impulse.
Christa: Thank you so much, ja? [Turns and approaches her car, but Wayne follows her] Um... They're very lovely.
Wayne: It's no more than you deserve, is it, eh?
Christa: There were other flowers much like these... from Oz, I think his name.
Wayne: Really? What a coincidence, eh? Look, my name's, um... Wayne.
Christa: [Chuckles] I know. [Wayne opens Christa's car door; she puts the flowers on the front passenger seat] Thank you very much.
Wayne: My pleasure, love.
Christa: Er... you Englisch... you live there, ja?
Wayne: Yeah, in the hut. Yeah. We call it the Stalag.
Christa: Wie bitte? (I beg your pardon?)
Wayne: Stalag. 'Cos it's like a prisoner of war camp, y'know.
Christa: Oh! It's... nice camp, ja?
Wayne: Nice? It's not exactly the Hilton, love, but it's okay, y'know. Just one of the hardships we have to endure to stay in your wonderful country.
Christa: Er... show me.
Wayne: You what?
Christa: Ja. [She closes the car door] Show me. [Heads towards the lads' hut]
Wayne: [Giving chase] Look, it's a bit basic, love. I mean, it's got old socks and crisps and things in it, you know! I really don't think you'd like it that much!

[Oz, Dennis and Moxey are nearby...]

Barry: Here, Oz. Isn't that Wayne with your bird there?
Oz: She's not my bird, man. Not since I found out that she isn't who she wasn't.
Moxey: Still very tasty though, ain't she?
Barry: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, when Wayne gets his evil hands on her, mate...
Oz: Eh? [They give chase, watching from a distance. They see Wayne and Christa enter the hut.] What's he up to?

[Inside the hut...]

Wayne: [As Christa takes in the grim reality of how the lads live] Well... I did warn you, love.
Christa: It's, erm... like army.
Wayne: Or like prison.

[Oz, Barry and Moxey approach the hut, when they hear Christa scream. They run towards the hut.]

Christa: [Standing on Wayne's bed, hysterical] No, no!
Wayne: [Also standing up] Don't worry, love. [Christa falls onto the bed] Get... stand up! [Oz enters]
Oz: You dirty bastard!
Wayne: No, look, you don't understand! You don't understand... [Oz picks Wayne up by the back of his jacket and throws him out of the hut, face first into a muddy puddle.]
Christa: [Hysterical] He bite me, he bite me!
Oz: Calm down, pet. I've taken care of that dirty little turd.
Barry: [Enterting the hut with Moxey] What's the matter, miss? Did Wayne try to ravish you, miss?
Christa: No, there... there is a rat. [That puts Barry and Moxey back on edge!]

[The following day, Vera arrives in Düsseldorf, and after they spend the day in the city, Dennis introduces her to Dagmar. It's clear Vera wasn't happy to see her. Dennis goes to her hotel room...]

Dennis: Okay, out with it. What's the matter?
Vera: Nothing.
Dennis: Look, that was an excellent restaurant, that' You hardly ate a thing, you said even less.
Vera: I'm not feeling very well. Must've been the flight. You know I don't like flying. Anyway, you and Dagmar could have stayed.
Dennis: Oh, of course we couldn't have stayed.
Vera: Don't you normally stay with her?
Dennis: What's that remark supposed to mean?
Vera: Just drop it, Dennis.
Dennis: No, I won't!
Vera: I'm tired.
Dennis: You're upset. You're upset because I brought Dagmar.
Vera: Yes! I'm upset because you brought Dagmar! Sometimes you can be...
Dennis: I can be what?
Vera: You can be really insensitive about how other people feel. You get an idea in your head, and you've got to see it through...
Dennis: Look...
Vera: But you don't always think it through!
Dennis: Listen, I know what's goin' in your life, right? I want you to know the same about me. I just want you to know the way things are.
Vera: You don't know the way things are.
Dennis: Oh, really? Come on, inform me, then!
Vera: Don't get angry!
Dennis: I'm not gettin' angry, man! Confused, maybe.
Vera: Look... I didn't come over here to sort things out. I could've done that on the phone. I came over here because our divorce isn't final yet.
Dennis: I know it's not.
Vera: Well, I'm not sure I want it to be.
Dennis: Now, look, just wait a minute. This divorce was your idea, if I remember correctly.
Vera: I know it was. And I know it hurt you. Well, it hurt your pride, anyway. And there were good reasons for splitting up. Very good reasons. But... [Sighs] Oh, I don't want to go through all that again.
Dennis: Well, Vera... I wish I knew what you did want.
Vera: ...I don't want a divorce. I want you to come home.
Dennis: Oh, bloody hell. [There's an awkward silence.]
Vera: Fancy a drink? I got some duty-free gin on the plane. There are some glasses in the bathroom. [Dennis heads into the bathroom]

[After his disastrous night, Dennis returns to the bar, drinking Scotch. Wayne enters after his date with Christa...]

Wayne: [To the barman] A large cognac, please, chief. [Notices Dennis] Hello, Den. What are you doin' here?
Dennis: Nightcap.
Wayne: Yeah? Me too. D'you want another?
Dennis: Scotch, please.
Wayne: [To the barman] That's a large Scotch too, please, squire. [To Dennis] I thought you were stayin' out all night.
Dennis: No, I changed me mind. [Wayne goes over to Dennis. The barman puts their drinks on the bar]
Wayne: Things not work out with, er, Dagmar and your old lady, then?
Dennis: [Shakes his head] I thought I was just being above board, yer kna, straight and honest. Vera said I was showin' off.
Wayne: Showin' off?
Dennis: Showin' off Dagmar. I mean, she's a smart lass, isn't she? Attractive and honest. I dunno, that's probably what I was doin'. [Coughs]
Wayne: Well, she is rather special, that Dagmar, ain't she? Mind you, so is her mate.
Dennis: Christa? Hey, you an' me've... collared the clerical staff, havvn't we? Eh?
Wayne: I wish I had, Den.
Dennis: No? Things not work out, like?
Wayne: She wouldn't let me get near her, would she? Mind you, I didn't want to, y'know. No, I didn't want to sort of come on strong and jump it, like.
Dennis: Hey, you're slippin', aren't yer?
Wayne: I'm smitten, Den. Now listen, don't tell the lads, right? Now, I can confide in you, can't I? Now I know you've probably got your own problems and all that, but I can bend your ear a bit, can't I?
Dennis: Just carry on, bonny lad, I havvn't a care in the world, me(!)
Wayne: Yeah, well, look, I'm serious about this Christa, right. I know it's madness, but I'm really bowled over. Now, don't tell the lads, eh?
Dennis: My lips are sealed, all right?
Wayne: I get embarrased just thinking about it, you know? "It'll never happen to me," I said. It bloody has, ain't it?
Dennis: Hey... you really are serious, aren't yer?
Wayne: I'm deadly serious, Den. Of course, er, never having been in this situation before, it's pretty hard to be certain about the symptoms. [Dennis chuckles] But I think... well, listen, I'm positive, sunbeam, that this is it. It's devastating, mate. Devastating.
Dennis: Ahh, it's not the end of the world, that, man. Go for it!
Wayne: Yeah, but I can't fathom it, can I? And the trouble is, we're shipping out in a week or two, ain't we?
Dennis: So?
Wayne: So I've gotta decide whether to go home or chance me arm here, ain't I?
Dennis: Yeah, you're not the only one that's gotta make that decision.
Wayne: You too?
Dennis: [Nods his head] Mmm-hmm.
Wayne: You mean home or Dagmar?
Dennis: [Shakes his head] I mean Vera or Dagmar.
Wayne: [Exhales] Blimey, Dennis. What are we gonna do?
Dennis: Well, I was about to get pissed. You care to join me? [They chuckle]

When the Boat Goes Out[edit]

[Herr Grunwald has called the lads into his office for a meeting]

Grunwald: Well, gentlemen, as you probably know there have been one or two changes in the Federal Government's attitude to Gastarbeiter - visiting workers. This is because of increasing unemployment here in West Germany. Oh yes, we have it too.
Bomber: Yes, but ours is bigger than yours! [The others laugh]
Grunwald: So, we have had to look at ways of keeping more jobs for our own people. Up until now, you have worked here without paying tax or insurance, and that has been very convenient for all of us, ja? But, from next Monday, if you wish to stay and work here in Germany, you will have to apply for official registration and be issued with a license.
Oz: Ere, does that mean we gotta give up our British nationality? 'Cos I'm buggered if I'm becoming a German!
Grunwald: No no no, you do not understand. As members of the EEC you have the right to work here, but from now you must accept your financial obligations to the German state.
Oz: Well... can we not just graft here and then send wor tax home?
Neville: Don't be ridiculous, Oz!
Oz: I'm not being ridiculous! I just think it's a bit strong that we give Germany all our skill and labour, and now it's tryin' ta issue us with dog licenses and take what little pittance of money we earn off wor!
Neville: Just ignore him, Herr Grunwald.
Grunwald: So... if you could let me know as soon as possible if you wish to stay or not, we can get on with the paperwork.
Neville: I can let you know straight away, Herr Grunwald. I'm goin' back to England.
Bomber: Me too, Herr Grunwald. Family calls.
Grunwald: I shall be sorry to see both of you go. Anyone else?
Barry: ...Well, personally, I... I'm not quite sure yet, Herr Grunwald.
Moxey: No, er, me neither.
Grunwald: [turns to Wayne and Dennis] And what about you, Mr. Patterson? [Dagmar looks through into Grunwald's office at Dennis. Oz turns to Dennis]
Dennis: I haven't decided yet, Herr Grunwald.
Grunwald: Well, it looks as if no-one will be staying, ja?
Dennis: I wouldn't be too sure about that, Herr Grunwald. [Referring to Wayne, who has been exchanging glances with Christa in the other office the entire meeting]

[In the pub after their meeting with Herr Grunwald]

Oz: Well, this is a right puzzler, this one. I don't wanna go back home, but I don't really wanna stop here working in Germany, especially if I'm just gonna be workin' with Germans.
Moxey: I thought you had a wife and a kid though, Oz.
Bomber: Aye, and that's why he doesn't want to go back!
Oz: [Nods in agreement] True, true. What about you, Moxey? You'll stop here with us, won't ya?
Moxey: Ah, as much as I like it, Oz, I can't say I relish the idea of paying tax, like. I mean, when you think about the squallid lifestyle that we lead at the moment, it's gonna be even worse with less money.
Bomber: Sounds like another boy Blighty-bound to me!
Moxey: No way, Bomb. There's even less chance of that happening.
Oz: How's that, like?
Moxey: I've got a record, haven't I? I was in the nick for two years 'fore I come out here.
Oz: Yeah?
Moxey: This was supposed to be me fresh start in life.
Oz: Ahhh, what did you get locked up for, eh?
Moxey: Arson.
Oz: [Shocked] Arson?!
Moxey: Yeah, I know! I didn't wanna tell you blokes, you know, in case you got worried, like, you know, about bein' in the same hut as me, like. Guess it don't matter now, though.
Oz: [Still shocked] Arson, eh? And you don't even smoke!
Bomber: And how's that come about, Mox?
Moxey: I was workin' on this building site, you know, back in Liverpool. Bastard site manager, had it in for us, like, kept dockin' my wages for no reason! And one day, you know, I just lost me rag. I set fire to his hut.
Oz: What, was he still in it?
Moxey: Not for long, no. [Bomber chuckles] So there you go, record for arson. Dodge City address.
Oz: Where?
Moxey: Kirkby. I reckon me chances on Merseyside are even worse than Everton's!
Bomber: I see what you mean.
Oz: Well... [Slams his palm on the bar] Stop on, Moxey. That's the only thing you can do, really.
Moxey: Yeah, I know, Oz, but, y'know once they get me name down on their forms and their files, it'll only be a matter of time before they find out about me past.

[Dennis enters the bar. He goes to the other end of the bar from the lads.]

Oz: Hey, Dennis? You'll never guess what? Moxey's an arsonist!
Dennis: [To the barman, completely ignoring Oz] Schnapps. [The barman brings the bottle over] Just leave the bottle. [He does so.]

Barry: You know something, Wayne, there's a real serenity and wisdom about you these days, you know.
Wayne: Well it's the power of love, isn't it, Barry?
Barry: I suppose it is, yeah... What's it feel like? Love, I mean, being in love. Well, I don't really sparkle in the that department, see, between you and me, or in the adjacent one either! I'm the sort of bloke who looks at the three-year expiry date of a packet of johnnies and wonders if he'll ever use them in time!
Wayne: Hey, come on. Your time will come, mate, and you'll know when it hits you, I'm telling ya!
Barry: Yeah... What's it feel like? [Quieter] What's it feel like?
Wayne: Love is... love is sitting in a hut on a German building site, carving two names into a plank of wood without feeling a prat about it.

[Neville joins the others at the bar, still fretting about his "Neville & Lotte" tattoo...]

Neville: How's about if I contributed to a German heart disease charity fund, and instead of one of them little flags for me lapel, they put this tattoo on me arm?
Moxey: Oh, very ingenious, that.
Oz: Even Brenda would see through that fairytale, man!
Neville: [Eyeing up Dennis downing the schnapps] I bet Dennis could come up with summat.
Dennis: [In a drunken stupor] Not a chance.
Moxey: What's got into 'im?
Bomber: I dunno, but he's certainly taken hold.
Oz: I'll have a word with 'im, he'll talk to me...
Dennis: [Shouting] Just stop right where you are, Oz!
Bomber: Come on, Den. We're your mates. Whatever it is, share it with us.
Dennis: Aye, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, eh? Aye, that was one of Vera's favourite sayings, that was.
Neville: Come on, Den. Snap out of it, man.
Dennis: [Snapping] "Snap out of it?!" Will you listen to this lad, eh? Have you lot had any idea what it's like bein' kicked out of a marriage? It's like bein' asked to take down all those walls we've been buildin' brick by brick wi' yer bare hands. Imagine what that feels like, yeah? Aye, then imagine what it would be like if they came along and said, "Right, now put 'em all back up again."
Bomber: We can help you, Den.
Dennis: Thanks for the offer, Bomber, but you can't. I help you with your problems. Doesn't work the other way 'round. That's how it is! So all of you just, er... [Puts some money on the bar and takes the bottle of schnapps he's been drinking from and starts to leave the bar] ...just do me the only favour you can, will you, eh? Just leave me alone!

[Two German workers approach Dagmar and Christa as they go to their office]

German worker: Meine Damen, hätten Sie Lust was zu trinken, heute Abend? (Ladies, would you like to come out for a drink tonight?)
Dagmar: Nein. Wir haben schon was anderes vor. (No. We've already made plans.)
German worker: [Blocks the door] Aber, komm schon. Ich beisse nicht. (Come on, I don't bite!)
Christa: Nein, wirklich nichts. (No, really nothing.) [Christa enters the office.]
German worker: Ja, ja. Zu beschäftigt mit den verdammten Engländern. (Yeah, yeah. Too busy with the bloody English!)

[Wayne goes into the site office with his wooden plaque, made from a piece of skirting board with his and Christa's names carved into it along with a pair of love hearts modelled on Neville's tattoo...]

Wayne: Morning, ladies!
Christa: Hello, Wayne.
Dagmar: Good morning, Wayne.
Wayne: Erm... I brought you a little something.
Christa: Oh... [Wayne presents her with the plaque] Oh, Wayne, it's beautiful. You made it yourself, ja?
Wayne: Well, y'know, on my union card it says "joiner", but I'm a sculptor, really.
Christa Oh, er... Dagmar, look. Erm... Wayne has made me a paperweight!
Dagmar: Very nice.
Wayne: No. No, no, it's not a paperweight. It's a plaque, ain't it? Y'know, you're supposed to put it on the wall like, y'know... [Puts it atop the first aid cabinet] ...above your bed, like.
Christa: Oh, of course. Erm... it will look very nice there.
Wayne: That's all right, then, ain't it? Erm, I wanna fill in one of those forms as well, if you'd give us a hand.
Christa: Which forms?
Wayne: The, erm... work permits, whatever you call them.
Christa: [Getting up] You're staying?
Wayne: Yeah. About the only one who is, by the look of it. [Dagmar turns around] Course, erm... a couple of lads haven't quite made their minds up yet, y'know.
Christa: [Getting the forms] You want me to, erm... to write this for you, ja?
Wayne: Yeah, please, if you would, love. My German never got past Donner and Blitzen.
Christa: [Laughs] Okay. [Grabs a pen] Please, your full name.
Wayne: Look, you do know why I'm doing this, don't you?
Christa: [Smiles back at Wayne] I think I can guess.
Wayne: Right... It's Wayne Winston Norris.

[It's the end of the working day. Everyone except Dennis convenes in the hut.]

Oz: Oh, 'ey! What a day. I'm shattered [Flings his tools into storage]
Bomber: Wayne signed on, then, Oz.
Wayne: Yeah.
Oz: Gotta put up wi' you, have I?
Wayne: Oh, cheers. It's his charm that knocks me out, you know(!)
Oz: Pour us a cup of tea, Nev.
Neville: Oh, aye! [Heads to the stove]
Moxey: You know what, Nev? He's gettin' really bossy these days, in't he?
Neville: Aye, I reckon it's Barry's Planet of the Apes theory has gone to his heid. [Carries the kettle to the table while flailing his arms like a monkey]
Oz: Howay, man, just pour the tea.
Wayne: Yeah, of course, the advantage of being a chippie is you don't have to work in the hot sun all day, y'know.
Oz: I blame Barry for all this palaver, yer kna. He's got us all convinced that we're missing Dennis's "leadership".
Wayne: Yeah, yeah. Look, come on. What are we gonna do about him, eh? I mean, we've all leant on him enough for the past six months. It's time we gave the poor sod a hand.
Neville: Well that's just the trouble. He'll not let us.
Oz: Maybe it's his pride, eh?
Moxey: M-maybe he just don't trust us.

[Dennis enters the hut. The lads fall silent as he puts his tools in storage and grabs his towel. Before leaving the hut, he turns to the lads...]

Dennis: Just to avoid any more embarrasing scenes, I, er... shan't be goin' over the club tonight. I'm goin' down to town to get legless. So you lot will be safe where you are. [Leaves the hut]
Oz: I reckon instead of examining our behaviour, Professor bloody Barry should have a look at him! I've never seen a man so withdrawn. He's nae thought for his mates...
Neville Oh, aye? Maybe you should pool your knowledge of budgies with Barry's knowledge of chimps! Between yer, you might find a solution.
Oz: There's nae need for that, Nev, I'm just tryin tae...
Neville: Oh, isn't there? Seems to me you couldn't care less about Dennis!
Oz: I could, I could.
Neville: Oh aye?
Oz: All right, all right. I'll prove it, then. [Gets up and leaves the hut to follow Dennis downtown...]

[Dennis has gone into a Bierkeller in town, where he is spotted by a familiar face...]

Magowan: Oi, Geordie! Alone, are ya?
Dennis: What are you doin' here, Magowan?
Magowan: Same thing as you by the looks of it - getting pissed. [Points to the man sat next to Dennis] Hey, you, geh' weg. (Get lost.)
German drinker: Komm?
Magowan: Geh' weg! [Pulls the German drinker out of his seat and sits in his spot]
Dennis: [Surly] Join me, why don't you?!
Magowan: Thanks.
Dennis: So I thought you were out of the country, avoiding the law.
Magowan: Naah, I'm not lettin' any poxy German court kick me out of town, you know. Thought I'd just lie low for a couple of days, avoid the construction sites, like, you know. I might be a marked man, like.
Dennis: That's a reasonable assumption in the circumstances. So what you doin' for Deutschmarks then, eh? Couldn't have got much for our dartboard!
Magowan: Ahh, I'm sorry about that. Eh, I left the darts though, didn't I?!
[Oz enters the bierkeller looking for Dennis. Meanwhile, a barman puts two beers on Dennis and Magowan's table from a tray full of beers]
Magowan: Oh ya, stupid Eric, leave the tray here, will ya? [Takes the tray off the barman] Just, you know, put it on the old slate there, will ya? D'you understand? [The barman writes a note and leaves it with Magowan. The German workers spot Dennis.] This should do us for a while, eh?
Oz: [Oz enters and spots Dennis and Magowan] Bloody hell! Magowan? [Magowan finishes his first beer in one]
Dennis: Another one? Good thing I drink with you, Magowan, eh? You get good service! [Oz turns away so he is not spotted] So what are you actually doing, then?
Magowan: I'm workin' as a bouncer, you know, at this gay nightclub. Any of them Ericas get out of order, you know, I have to...
Dennis: Drag them?
Magowan: Yeah, that's right, drag them down the stairs, you know, kick 'em into the alley.
Dennis: Aye, is it voluntary work, like?
Magowan: Twenty quid a night, like, and all I can drink.
Dennis: It must cost 'em nearly a hundred pound a night then, eh?
Magowan: Listen, Geordie, I'm only drinkin' with you 'cos you're a Brit. Don't take the piss, okay? Otherwise I'd treat you just the same as I do with the customers.
Dennis: Oh, they get customers, do they?! I'm surprised you haven't frightened them all off!
Magowan: Right. [Points to the tray of beers] As soon as I've finished this lot, I'm gonna give you a thumping.
Dennis: Ah thump, thump, thump away! What do I care, Magowan?
Magowan: You're tired of life, aren't ya?
Dennis: Aye, you could say that! [The German workers approach Dennis]
German worker: Ahh, du bumst für die Dagmar, nicht? [Dennis looks up] Also, ist es dir recht wenn wir sie besuchen gehen? (Ahh, you're the one fucking Dagmar, are you? So is it okay if we go visit her?)
Magowan: Sounds like a couple of Erics asking for trouble, if you ask me.
Dennis: Just stay out of this, Magowan, I'll handle this. Nicht verstehen, bonny lad! (I don't understand.)
German worker: [Gets in Dennis's face] Go home with your wife. We will have Dagmar.
Magowan: Sounds like he's provoking you. D'you want me to sort him out for ya?
Dennis: You just stay out of this, Magowan, I'll handle this.
Magowan: You're not hard enough for this.
Dennis: Aren't I? [Punches the German worker]
Magowan: Eh, not bad. [A nearby German drinker smashes his glass and goes for Dennis. Oz spots him.]
Oz: Dennis! Dennis! [Runs to confront the would-be attacker in what has now turned into a bar brawl]

[Neville runs into the hospital, where he finds Dennis stood outside Oz's room, his shirt covered in blood and his face covered in bruises. They look in. Oz is in a bad way.]

Dennis: It's a bit of a choker, isn'it?
Neville: Is he gonna be all right?
Dennis: Aye. They've just sedated him. Had to give him a blood transfusion. Over two litres. It's a good job the ambulance got there so quick.
Neville: What happened, for God's sake?
Dennis: Oh, there was a bit of a rumble in this Bierkeller with some German lads. Magowan turned up. Oz got his arm slashed with a beer glass.
Neville: Magowan. I might have known! That man could start a fight in an empty house! An' Oz isn't far behind!
Dennis: You've got it wrong, Neville. It's my fault. I started all the trouble.
Neville: You did?
Dennis: Aye.

[The doctor treating Oz comes into the corridor.]

Dennis: Doctor, this is one of Mr. Osbourne's colleagues, Neville Hope.
Doctor: Hello. [Neville shakes her hand]
Neville: How do you do, Doctor?
Doctor: Your friend is a very lucky man.
Neville: Aye, I know. We're very grateful for what you've done.
Doctor: Don't thank me for doing my job, Mr. Hope. [She goes into Oz's room] Guten Abend. Ist alles gut? (Good evening. All is well?)
Nurse: Alles gut. (All good.)
Doctor: I just wish you men could settle arguments without resorting to violence.
Neville: This isn't typical, Doctor.
Doctor: I see a lot of people injured in stupid drunken fights about football or women.
Dennis: Yeah... is he going to be all right, then?
Doctor: Oh, yes. He's lost a lot of blood, but that's been replaced. I've given him a sedative to help him rest. And, er... fortunately the wound isn't too large. He'll have a scar, of course. But, if he wishes, that can be put right.
Neville: Put right?
Doctor: [As they leave Oz's room] Yes. Cosmetic surgery, skin graft, whatever.
Neville: Oh, I hope you don't mind me askin', Doctor, but while you're here, is there anything I can do about this? [Takes off his coat]
Dennis: Look, Neville, I don't think this is the right place or time.
Neville: Oz won't mind, Dennis. And I've gotta do somethin' aboot it. [Rolls up his sleeve to show the doctor his tattoo]
Doctor [Glancing briefly at the tattoo] Who is Lotte?
Neville: I don't know. But it's not the wife. That's just the trouble.
Doctor: So... this is an unwanted souvenir of your time in Germany.
Neville: Very much unwanted. I've already lied to the wife once about it. I bandaged it up and told her it was an injury. I cannae keep doin' that all me life, can I? [The doctor just looks at Neville.]

[Back at the bar, the others wait on news of Oz...]

Bomber: Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.
Wayne: Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?
Barry: Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?
Moxey: Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.
Bomber: [Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.
Wayne: 'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?
Neville: Couldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]
Wayne: Oh, poor old Oz.
Barry: Don't believe it.
Neville: Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.
Wayne: 'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!
Barry: Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?
Neville: I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.
Moxey: Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?
Neville: Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.
Wayne: Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?
Neville: Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.
Bomber: But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?
Dennis: [Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]
Bomber: Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]
Neville: Aye, come on, Dennis.
Barry: Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.

[Dennis has made his decision about whether to stay in Germany with Dagmar or go back home to Vera and the kids. He goes for a walk with Dagmar along the Rhine]

Dagmar: Beautiful, isn't it?
Dennis: Oh yes, no doubt about that. [Looks down towards the Rhineknie Bridge] Mind you, we've got a bridge over the Tyne that's just like that. Well... it's not exactly like that, but it's beautiful in its own sort of way, and uh...
Dagmar: You sound as if you are homesick. [Dennis doesn't respond] Well, what is it going to be - the Rhine or the Tyne?
Dennis: Well, I'll tell you, bonny lass, the last few days have been amongst the worst in my life. I mean, I know they haven't been a picnic for you, either, but... well, the way I see things now is this: If I, er... If I was Dennis the Bold, I'd be starting off a new life in a new country with a lovely lady as a companion. But, unfortunately, Dennis the Brave is also a selfish sod, you know, he gets his mates all carved up when he tries to act big! So, he goes back to being Dennis the Realistic, and his role in life is... to be there for other people to lean on. And three of those people happen to be his wife and his kids. I mean, I put realism before bravery every time.
Dagmar: [upset] ...But would you have stayed if Vera hadn't come last weekend?
Dennis: Yeah probably, yeah.
Dagmar: Well... don't you think that I need to lean on you just as much as she does?
Dennis: ...No.
Dagmar: Well, why not?
Dennis: Because, Vera's got the kids, Dagmar! Don't you see? It's the kids! They make the difference! I mean, because of that... the way I am, I mean, I always get pulled into the area of greatest need! [Dagmar turns away] Look, I'm sorry, Dagmar, I really am.

[It's almost the end of the lads' last day of work on the site. They hold a topping out ceremony. Moxey ties a Union Jack to the scaffolding.]

Bomber: Not long now.
Neville: Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
Dennie: Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
Wayne: [Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
Moxey: Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
Barry: [Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
Neville: What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Barry: Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
Dennis: Bollocks!
Barry: I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
Dennis: How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
Barry: [Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...

[The siren to mark the end of the working day goes off, leaving Barry looking a little confused. The lads cheer. Dennis throws down his trowel and shakes hands with Neville. Bomber lays the last brick. Wayne starts handing out the beers.]

Moxey: [Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
Barry: [Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!

[Unbeknownst to the lads, a large bucket suspended by a crane approaches the lads...]

Neville: Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
Dennis: Aye. To Oz.
Bomber: To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
Oz: [For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
Dennis: I don't believe it!
Oz: [As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]

[The lads come back from the pub back to the hut for the last time - Bomber is literally carrying Moxey - as they sing "My Way"...]

Oz: See all this here? We built all this, yer kna! Our skill and labour! No computer will ever be able to take the place of us! Last for a thousand years, this will, yer kna! [takes a beer out of his sling and opens it] I'm tellin' ya! There'll always be a place for skilled labour!
[Wayne goes back into the hut, smoking a cigarette, followed by Barry]
Barry: Phew!
Wayne: What's that funny smell?
Barry: Cor! That's... Vick's Moxey, innit?
Wayne: No, that's definitely not socks, mate.
Barry: It's stronger than socks, that is. Stronger.
Wayne: That's petrol! Hey, your bloody bike has been leaking petrol all over my home, you idiot! [drops his cigarette... which ignites the petrol...] Oh dear... [...which quickly starts a fire in the hut!]
Barry: There's a bit of a fire.
Wayne: Oh dear.
[Bomber, Moxey and Neville finally approach the hut. Barry and Wayne rush out]
Wayne: Barry, you bloody idiot!
Barry: Get back!
Moxey: [singing] To where you once belonged!
Neville: What are you doing standing around out here?
Wayne: Don't go in there, the flamin' hut's on fire!
Bomber: About time it was put out of commission!
Barry: [panicking] Look, I really think we ought to get out of the way, you know!
Neville: Stop pratting around, Barry!
[The hut explodes! Everyone runs for cover.]
Barry: MY BIKE!
Wayne: Sod your bike, what about my bloody home?
Barry: How am I going to get to Jeddah now?
Wayne: I'll bleedin' kick you there, Barry!
Neville: [Suddenly realising] Hey, hang on! The tickets and passports are inside! [Makes a run for the door, but he's held back by Barry]
Wayne: Don't, Nev!
Moxey: You can blame me for it. I'll cop for it, anyway!
Bomber: All my gear's in there!
[Oz finally turns up. Wayne runs to him]
Wayne: I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Oz: [Laughs] Hey, Barry, have you burnt the toast again?
Neville: How can I get my passport, man?
Moxey: Hey, you know what, lads? It takes me back! It really takes me back!

[Meanwhile, Dennis has gone to Dagmar's home for a farewell drink]

Dagmar: I'm glad we could say goodbye like this.
Dennis: Yeah. Well, it's better than jumping off bridges and all that nonsense. You, er, gonna be alright?
Dagmar: I think so. Have to be. I got over relationships before, you know. You will write to me?
Dennis: Yeah, of course, yeah, of course. I'll have a lot of free time on me hands when I'm back on the dole.
Dagmar: I'll send you my new address when I move. [Fire engine sirens can be heard in the background.]
Dennis: Yeah. Well, getting out of here will be a boon.
Dagmar: Have you told Vera yet?
Dennis: Er... no. No. The arrangement was I'd give her a ring tomorrow morning.
Dagmar: Oh. [Smiles and looks at Dennis] So... we could spend one last night together?
[The doorbell rings]
Dennis: You're not expecting anybody, are you?
Dagmar: No... [She goes to answer the door. It's Neville.]
Neville: Hello, Dagmar.
Dagmar: Neville? [Dennis puts his drink down and comes to the door]
Neville: Er, look, I'm sorry to disturb you, but, er... there's been a bit of an accident.
Dennis: Accident? What accident?
Neville: The hut's burnt doon!
Dennis: Who's done that? Moxey?
Neville: No, no man...
Dennis: Oh, don't tell me Magowan's broke out of the nick!
Neville: No, it was Barry's bike caught fire, but... anyway, we've lost everything! Money, passports, tickets, wor clothes...
Dennis: Oh, bloody hell!
Dagmar: Well, Neville, you had better come in. You can stay the night.
Neville: Thanks, Dagmar. There's a couple of the lads and all. [Barry, Oz, Wayne and Bomber come in]
Barry: Hello, Dagmar.
Oz: Hello, Dagmar! How, Den!
Wayne: Hi, Dagmar.
Oz: Well this is alright though, isnit?
[Dagmar closes the door, her last night with Dennis scuppered!]

[On the ferry back home]

Neville: Hey, I can see England!
Dennis: Oh, aye. That's England alright! Misty, grey cliffs.
Oz: Bloody depressing looking place when you think about it, isn't it? I'm surprised the Vikings never turned back!
Neville: Ahh, ye cannae beat it, but.
Oz: Can yer not? Not much in store for us when we get back there, is there? Apart from Keegan. No work, no money, no prospects...
Dennis: Oh, I dunno, Oz. I met a bloke in the bar before, and he reckons they'll be needing bricklayers up our way soon.
Oz: Oh, aye? And where's that?
Dennis: Well, it's just a whisper, like, but he had heard that that, er, they're gonna rebuild Hadrian's Wall! [They all laugh]

Series 2[edit]

The Return of the Seven: Part 1[edit]

[Oz and Barry in the Falklands. They walk through a field with their Northern Irish colleague Paddy]

Barry: I must admit, Oz, after the disappointment of not getting to Saudi, I had grave misgivings about joining you in the Falklands, mate.
Oz: Oh? Why's that, then?
Barry: I'd seen the pictures on the television, and I'd read all the papers and stuff. I knew there was no amenities, as such, but what I was really worried about was I heard about this animosity from the locals towards the itinerant workforce.
Oz: Nah, we get nae trouble from the Bennys, do wa?
Paddy: No.
Barry: Bennys?
Paddy: Benny in Crossroads.
Barry: Yeah?
Oz: Benny, man. Yer kna, the duck egg, the thicket. He's the stupid one, isn'he? That's what we call the locals.
Barry; Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah... And of course, another thing I heard was that some of our lads go a bit potty out here, you know, with the solitude and the wind, right.
Paddy: Who told you that?
Barry: I think it was The Sunday People, actually. I was readin' that apparently some British brickies found some old Argentinian machine guns and went absolutely berserk and started letting 'em off at each other!
Oz: Yeah, well, you'll always get the occasional lunatic, won't yer?

[Barry overtakes the others. Paddy stops Oz, he has an idea...]

Paddy: D'you like a bit of sport, Barry?
Barry: Yes, I do, actually. Especially table tennis.
Paddy: We have races. Don't we, Oz?
Oz: [Catching on] Oh, aye. Aye, we do, Paddy. Aye. Just for a ten spot, like. Kill a bit of time, yer kna? Are ya up for it?
Barry: Yeah, yeah. Count me in. A bit of fun, innit?
Oz: Oh aye, it's a bit of fun. Follow me. [Oz, Paddy and Barry climb through some barbed wire.] Right, get yer dough out. I'll hold on to the kitty. [Barry and Paddy each give Oz a tenner. To Barry] You've still got English money? [Pockets the money.]
Barry: Um... how far do we race, actually?
Oz: We start here, right? And we finish just at the opposite side of the minefield, right? Go! [Oz and Paddy run off to the other side, while Barry remains rooted to the ground having realised he'd stepped into a minefield!]

[Barry and his apprentice Trevor are working on Barry's house. Barry takes out his photo of the group outside the hut]

Barry: Awww, ha-ha. Look at this!
Trevor: Desperate looking bunch.
Barry: (looking offended) Do you mind!? Salt of the earth, these lads. We were known as The Magnificent Seven.
Trevor: What? Throughout Germany?
Barry: No, in our hut, amongst ourselves, like. Yes... (chuckles as he looks at the picture and points to the people in the photo) There's Bomber. Strong as an ox, gentle as a kitten. Wayne, no fraulein was safe from Bavaria to the Baltic with this one, mate. That's, er... that's Dennis. He was our anchor, Trev. And er... yes, that's Neville, yes. Next to me. A bit of a worrier, Nev, but he'd give you the shirt off his back. Come to think of it... (checks his shirt) I think this is his shirt actually.
Trevor: Who's that mad looking maniac there? (points to the picture)
Barry: Oz. He was in the Falklands with me. The first person to be thrown off the islands since we saw the Argies off. Ahh... the last one's Moxey. He was an arsonist from Kirkby. (sighs) Oh, happy days!

[Neville meets with Dennis in the pub over the letter sent by Barry to the others.]

Neville: I'm sure he'll have written to you an' all, 'cos it says there he's wrote to all the lads.
Dennis: Aye, well Vera only sends me the post when she feels like it, yer kna.
Neville: 'Ey. I had no idea that you and her weren't together, Den.
Dennis: Nah, not for a while now. That's why I'm stuck with me sister.
Neville: Ah, I'm really sorry, mate.
Dennis: [Reading the letter] I wonder what she's like.
Neville: Who?
Dennis: This Hazel. Barry's intended. [Passes the letter back to Neville.] Hard to picture, like, innit? I mean he's a canny enough lad, Barry, like, but... [They chuckle] D'yer kna what I mean?
Neville: Still, 'ey, he's obviously doin' all right, isn'he? Headed notepaper. "B. Taylor, Building Services. All types of work undertaken."
Dennis: Oh, he was always good with his money, Barry.
Neville He was goin' to the Gulf, wasn't he?
Dennis: Aye. Hey, maybe he met her out there. Eh? Maybe she's a sheikh's daughter. Does 'Hazel' sound Arabic to you? [They chuckle]
Neville: Not much. Anyway, we'll find out at the wedding, won't wa?
Dennis: [Puts down his drink] Are you going, like?
Neville: Well, I thought I might do. Will you not?
Dennis: Well, I'm certainly not gannin a week early to help 'im fix up his house. What a bloody cheek! Obviously "All types of work undertaken" doesn't mean his own place!
Neville: Still, it would be a reunion, wouldn't it? See the lads. And he's offering cash.
Dennis: Yeah, I kna that, but...
Neville: Some of us could do with the cash, Den. We're not all drivin' around in Jags.
Dennis: That's not my car, man!
Neville: Oh, is it not?
Dennis: No, it belongs to the bloke I'm workin' for.
Neville: Oh! 'Cos when I seen you, I just assumed...
Dennis: [Interrupting] D'yer want a pint? [To the landlord] Can I have a pint of lager, George? And a pint of Ex, please. D'you want a short, Nev?
Neville: [Shaking his head] Not this time of day.
Dennis: I'll have a large Bell's. [Gets the drinks] Ta. Want to sit down?
Neville: Aye. [They take their drinks and sit at a table] So, what are you, like a driver, like are ya?
Dennis: No, I do all sorts of things, man. [Goes back to the bar to pay for the drinks and collect his Scotch. He rejoins Neville at the table.]
Neville: What line of business is he in?
Dennis: Who?
Neville: This bloke you work for, man. Whosever's motor it is.
Dennis: [Sighs] It's Ally Fraser.
Neville: Ally Fraser?!
Dennis: That's what I said. Aye.
Neville: What do yer do for him? Gan round menacing people?
Dennis: Oh come on, he's not as bad as all that, Nev.
Neville: Not..? You know Tommy Price? His brother owed Ally Fraser. He sent two of his blokes round to smash him up in front of his wife and bairns!
Dennis: D'yer not wanna say that a little bit louder, Nev? I think some people in the snug didn't catch all that!
Neville: I'm sorry, Dennis. It's just... I never saw a bloke like you working for a bloke like him.
Dennis: Oh, I used to be a very principled lad, Nev, in those days. It's principles that sent us back to the wife and the family.
Neville: Is there no chance of you and Vera gettin' back together?
Dennis: No way, no. Mind, I still get to see the kids, yer kna. That's the good thing about livin' with me sister, yer kna.
Neville: So what'll we tell Barry, then?
Dennis: Eh? Tell him what you like.
Neville: I really fancied gannin, me. I just feel like gettin' away, yer kna. Gettin' away from floggin' 'round building sites and babysitting, if the truth were told. You know, Den... I never thought I'd say this, there's times when I feel quite nostalgic for Germany.
Dennis: You?! You were the picture of bloody misery all the time you were out there!
Neville: I kna, but... at least I was miserable in a good cause. I thought the sacrifice was worth it, 'cos things'd be better when I got back. But nothing's changed.
Dennis: Aye... Listen, Ally's in Spain for the next three weeks, you know, so I'm not pushed. Why don't we go down together? I'll take the Jag, eh.
Neville: Yeah?
Dennis: Why, aye. I'll not tell Ally if you won't.
Neville: Hey, I really fancy it.
Dennis: It might do wor both a bit of good. Have a few laughs.
Neville: What, you mean gan down early and help with the house?
Dennis: Well, might as well, aye. I can just about remember how to lay a brick.
Neville: Hey, will we phone him?
Dennis: No, no. We'll just turn up and surprise him, eh?
Neville: Yeah. Brickies in mercy dash. Have trowel, will travel.
Dennis: Aye. Tuesday, we'll gan on Tuesday, after dinner.
Neville: Oh... I'll have to ask Brenda.

[Moxey and another man take a break from plastering. Moxey goes over the letter from Barry.]

Moxey: It's a bloody miracle this letter ever reached us. They sent it to me old address, who sent it to the steamship company, who sent it to me mother, who sent it here.
Syd: Was he a good mate, this Barry?
Moxey: We were in Germany together. Didn't have a lot in common with 'im, really, 'cept acne.
Syd: His must have cleared up if he's getting married.
Moxey: I'd still like to be there, though. See the lads. Reminisce about all the manky times we had in that craphole.
Syd: You're a bit of a sentimentalist at heart, Mox.
Moxey: Yeah. S'pose I am, really.

[The door opens, and a prison guard enters. Turns out Moxey is in prison and they're plastering the walls of a cell.]

Galloway: Move your arses, you two!
Moxey: Just takin' a well-earned break, Mr. Galloway.
Galloway: You will finish this place by nightfall. Even if it takes 'til tomorrow morning! Is that understood?
Moxey: Crystal clear, sir. [Galloway closes the cell door. Moxey and Syd get back to work.] I'll send 'im a postcard.
Syd: If he's a really good mate, maybe he'll put the wedding back a year.

[At Customs, Oz is strip-searched. He rants as he takes off his clothes...]

Oz: Yer kna the reason I left this country in the first place, divven't you, eh? I'll tell you. In a word, Margaret bloody Thatcher, that's why. Because I'd had it, I was up to there with what she'd created. Bloody wasteland. Desolate. Nae joy, nae hope, nae nowt. Where kids get to twenty-one and have never done a day's work in their life. Honest men have to gan out thieving to feed their families. Young bairns can buy heroin in the bike sheds at school. Oh, dear. But I thought, "Nah, nah, nah. It's got to be getting better. It cannae be as bad as what it was, can it?" I was willing to give you lot the benefit of the doubt on this one, yer kna. But nah, nah, nah. What happens? What happens is I've been back on me native soil for fourteen minutes, and I'm subjected to this act of fascist intimidation! 'Cos that's what it is, yer kna! That's what it is, and I'll be writing to me MP aboot this!
Customs Officer: [Putting on a glove] Spread.
Oz: What do you think you're going to find up there, eh? A new striker for Newcastle United?

[Wayne calls Barry en route from a motorway services.]

Wayne: [On the phone] Barry? ...It's Wayne. Yeah! [Laughs] How are ya, my son? ...Congratulations! Always had faith in you, Barry, no matter what the rest of 'em said! I'd like to think my counselling may have contributed to this startling development! ...I'm on me way, son. I'm on me way. ...I dunno, some naff caff up the M1. ...'Ere, don't you start without me, will ya? ...Of course I won't embarrass your Hazel. I'm a married man meself now, ain't I? ...Yeah. Two years. Changed character, Barry. ...I dunno, about six I should reckon. Your round. Catch you later!

[Wayne hangs up the phone and heads to his car. Two young female hitchhikers leave the services building. Wayne approaches them.]

Wayne: All right, girls? [They stop and turn round.] Which way are you going then, eh? D'you need a ride?
Pippa: Erm... Fishguard. Is that on your way?
Wayne: ...It's near enough, innit? [They get in the back seat of Wayne's car.]

[Wayne arrives at Barry's house. He enters and puts on a monster mask intending on giving Barry a fright, but inadvertently scares Trevor instead!]

Barry: [Coming up from the basement] Is that you, Hazel?
Wayne: Barry?
Barry: Wayne?
Trevor: Nearly gave me a heart attack!
Wayne: [Enters the living room and unmasks himself] Hello, my son.
Barry: Hello, Wayne!
Wayne: Gimme five, trade some skin! [They give each other a low five]
Barry: Ahh, watching the basketball on Channel 4, have we?
Trevor: I thought it was The Muppets...
Barry: Always seemed a bit strange to me, all those seven-foot American Negroes playin' for Milton Keynes!
Wayne: [Pointing to Trevor] I hope this isn't Hazel. I hope you ain't changed that much, son.
Barry: Nah, nah, this is Trev. Cor, Trev, this is Wayne!
Wayne: Sorry to startle you, son. It was meant for him [Barry]. So where's the lads, then?
Barry: They're, um... [Quietly] ...not all here.
Wayne: Hold on a minute. You wrote to me saying this was gonna be the big reunion, class of '82.
Barry: I wrote to all of you, didn't I, Trev?
Trevor: Aye, I posted them at the post office.
Wayne: Well that's one up on the ol' laundrette, ain't it, eh?
Barry: Bomber's coming... maybe.
Wayne: What about the others?
Barry: I haven't heard from 'em yet.
Trevor: Well, at least you've got each other. The Magnificent Two(!)
Barry: Trevor! Trevor, don't you have to pick up those breeze blocks? [Trevor throws his trowel into his cement mix and storms off. Barry makes a space for Wayne to sit down. Wayne has a glance at the picture of the Magnificent Seven before taking a seat.]
Wayne: So, how are you then?
Barry: Ahh, bostin', like.
Wayne: I drove all the way...
Barry: [Overlapping with Wayne] Did you...? [Gestures to Wayne to continue]
Wayne: I was just gonna say, I drove all the way from Tilbury, 'cos you said we was gonna have a bit of a knees-up.
Barry: Yeah. Well, it's not easy, Wayne, getting you lot together. There's a bit of gypsy in the soul of all of you, mate. I mean, Moxey's always lived at no fixed abode, me letter to Oz was returned, "Not known at this address". [Picks up the envelope and shows it to Wayne] Look. That's from his wife.
Wayne: Well, what about Dennis and Nev? I mean, they ain't gadabouts, are they?
Barry: I must admit, Wayne, I'm very disappointed in those two. I thought my letter at least justified the courtest of a reply.
Wayne: So it's just us two, is it?
Barry: Well, it's a bit of a letdown. If I were you, I'd naff off back to Tilbury...
Wayne: All right! All right, I just flamin' got 'ere, didn't I?

[The two hitchhikers enter.]

Pippa: Excuse us... I don't know how long you're planning on leaving us in the car, Wayne, but we're, er... bursting for a pee. [Barry pops his head round.]
Wayne: Yeah, I'm sorry about that, girls. Erm... Barry, does your house yet boast a bog? [Grins at the hitchhikers] I mean, toilet.
Barry: Yes, er, it's... on the first-floor landing.
Linda: Thanks.
Pippa: Thanks! [They go upstairs.]
Barry: Who are they?
Wayne: A couple of girls. Linda and Pippa.
Barry: I can see they're a couple of girls, Wayne(!)
Wayne: Well they're hitchhikers, in't they? On their way to Ireland by way of Fishguard.
Barry: Wolverhampton is not a natural stopping-off place on the way to Fishguard, Wayne! Even if you are desperate for a pee!
Wayne: I know that, Barry, but they're pretty tasty, ain't they? Even in them anoraks.
Barry: [Exhales, shaking his head] I'm deeply disappointed in you, Wayne!
Wayne: Why?
Barry: Because you haven't changed! No growth has taken place since Düsseldorf! Marriage, apparently, has made no impact at all.
Wayne: Course it has. I mean, before I got married, I'd have jumped them two by Newport Pagnell.
Barry: Ahhh, still the same unbearable sexist conceit! Still assuming that every female'll be taken in by your transparent Cockney charm!
Wayne: Hey, those two ain't dim, Barry. They're from Maidstone Poly, so they can map-read, right? So they know it's a bit of a detour, but they're quite willing to stop over.
Barry: Stop over where?
Wayne: [Looks around the living room, barely an empty shell] I't ain't exactly the Wolverhampton Hilton, is it? But it'll do.
Barry: Oi, oi, oi. Oi, oi! You're not doing it here! No-one's doing it here. Not before I do. [The toilet upstairs flushes.]
Wayne: Oh, take your pick, I ain't fussy!
Barry: Do you mind?! I'm taking about my bride-to-be, Hazel! This place is... well, it's sacred to us.
Wayne: [Examining the bare walls] Oh yeah. Yeah, it's a temple Barry, I can see that(!)
Barry: And you and I are meeting Haze at eight o'clock in the Wei Ling.
Wayne: In the Wei-what?
Barry: The Wei Ling. The finest Pekingese cuisine in the whole of the West Midlands. [The two hitchhikers come downstairs.]
Pippa: Did somebody mention Chinese food? [Barry turns round with a look of worry on his face.]

[At the Bell and Dragon pub, Barry, Wayne, Pippa and Linda sit in a window seat drinking pina coladas.]

Barry: [Laughs slightly tipsily] Ahhh... see, it's only in retrospect that you appreciate the good times that you once had. [Laughs, completely oblivious that the girls are bored, then snorts. Sings] You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. [Speaks] In the words of the song.
Pippa: What song?
Barry: Joni Mitchell.
Linda: Who?
Barry: Oh, a bit before your time, I expect, eh, Linda? I should think Prince is more your mark, eh?
Wayne: [Interrupting] Yeah, well, look. That's enough about us, ain't it, eh, Barry? So, what is it, girls? Another four pina coladas, eh?
Linda: Yes, please, Wayne. I need some cigarettes. I'll just go to the machine and get some. [She gets up, as does Wayne]
Barry: [Also getting up to let Wayne and Linda out] 'Ere, Wayne, d'you remember that big fat funny bloke with the harelip who took us on this day trip to Krefeld? It were great!
Wayne: It was a golden memory(!) [Sotto voce to Barry] You're losing them, Barry.
Barry: Hey? How'd you mean?
Wayne: [Sotto voce] There's topics of conversation other than German building sites, all right? [Goes to the bar, leaving Barry alone with Pippa.]
Barry: [Sits down. To Pippa] I was in the Falklands, you know.

[Dennis and Neville enter the pub, having been to Barry's house to discover Barry wasn't there.]

Dennis: Hey, listen. If he's not here, that's it, right? Quick pint and a hotel. [They enter the bar.]
Neville [Spotting Barry] Oh, eh. There he is, look.
Dennis: Where? [Neville points Barry out and the female he is with.]
Neville: Aye, get a look at her!
Dennis: Hey, she's a bonny lass, isn't she?
Neville: Who'd have thought it? Howay! [They go round the bar.]
Barry: [To a bored Pippa] Ahh... it was a hard place for hard men to do a hard job. The only thing that kept my sanity was the table-tennis table. Do you, er... do you play at all? At the poly?
Pippa: What?
Barry: Ping pong, Pippa.
Pippa: No.
Barry: Oh... [Dennis and Neville get to the table] Dennis! Nev! Oh, bostin'! [Gets up and shakes their hands]
Neville: Hey, Barry.
Dennis: Hey, what's all this then, eh? [Grabs hold of Barry's tie]
Barry: [Fending off Dennis] These are the blokes I was telling you about from Germany.
Neville: Hello, Hazel. Very pleased to meet you, pet. [Pippa looks confused.]
Dennis: Aye. Go on, Nev. Kiss the bride, son. [Neville goes in for a kiss.]
Pippa: [Resisting] Oh! No! I'm... I'm Pippa.
Dennis: Well, where's Hazel?
Barry: Hazel's at the Wei Ling... [Suddenly realises the time and checks his watch.] Oh, my God! She's been there since eight o'clock! [Barry gets out from behind the table and rushes out of the pub as Wayne returns to the table.]
Dennis: [To Wayne] How are ye?

[Barry speeds off out of the pub car park, past a stopping taxi with Bomber inside.]

Taxi driver: Bloody maniac!
Bomber: [Getting out of the taxi] I expect he just remembered his wife's birthday.

[Back inside, at the bar...]

Neville: [To Wayne, laughing] D'you realise you've probably ruined Barry's marriage?
Wayne: Oi, it's not my fault, son! [Laughs]
Dennis: [Referring to Pippa and Linda, still sat in the window seat] So listen, what are you going to do with them?
Wayne: I know what I'd like to do, but the question is where, ain't it? I mean, it's all very well Barry pissing off in a panic, but I mean, er... where does that leave us, eh? Where are we gonna stay?
Neville: Howay, man, Wayne. He's got a lot on his plate at the moment.
Dennis: Come on, he's brought this on himself! It was him what brought us lunatics back together!
Bomber: [Entering, joining the gang at the bar] Whose shout is it, lads?
All: Bomber!

[Barry tries apologising to an angry Hazel after he accidentally stands her up at the Wei Ling...]

Hazel: [Over the intercom] So you bothered to come round, then?
Barry: Hazel... I went to the restaurant, but you'd gone.
Hazel: I don't want to hear any excuses, Barry.
Barry: I was late, but I was trying to get the radiators installed.
Hazel: I'm not very amused, you know.
Barry: I don't think your evening was entirely wasted, Hazel, I mean they gave me the bill, yes...
Hazel: I'm glad they did!
Barry: ...but was it really necessary to have four bottles of sake, three egg foo yung...?
Hazel: I've never been so humiliated in all my life! [Two female passers by stop and watch]
Barry: Hazel, will you let me in so we can talk in a civilised manner?
Hazel: I suppose all your friends have arrived, and you're making them happy! What about me? [An older gentleman also stops to watch the commotion]
Barry: Yes, yes, my friends have arrived. But you know why, don't you? Cos you know why? [Getting frustrated] They've come from the far-flung corners of the country to do up our house!
Hazel: Why don't they just go back again, Barry? Why don't you go with them? [Barry noticed the female onlookers laughing at him. They leave, as does the older gentleman]
Barry: [Softly] All right... all right... I will go and join them. Yes. [Getting flustered again] We'll probably be in the Bell and Dragon drinking penis coladas 'til dawn!

[Back at the Bell and Dragon pub...]

Neville: I always thought that wrestling was rigged.
Bomber: If that's the case, Neville, how come I always bloody well lose? [They laugh]
Barman: Last orders, please!
Dennis: Here, chief. What d'you want, Nev?
Neville: I'm all right, lads.
Bomber: Oh, just half.
Dennis: Er, I'll have a large Scotch and no ice, thanks. [Leaves the money on the bar and goes off to the toilet.]
Bomber: Right. A pint and a half of bitter, a large Scotch, no ice. [Den leaves the bar.] Den's knocking back the hard stuff. Or is it just the excitement of the occasion?
Neville: Ah, I've hardly seen him, Bomb, actually. Oh, mind, I did have a drink with him last week and he was knocking back the Scotches at dinner time.
Bomber: Oh, it's all right if you can afford it.
Neville: Course he went back to the family and that, but it never worked out.
Bomber: Is that right? So he gives up Dagmar and ends up with nothing. It must have hurt him pretty hard.
Wayne: [Comes to the bar] Look, lads, I've been addressing meself to the problems of accomodation. Apparently, there's a B&B down the road, or there's a lovely motel half a mile past the roundabout.
Bomber: Motel.
Wayne: Yeah, I fancy the latter meself. [The pub phone rings.]
Neville I thought we were all goin' for a curry.
Wayne: Oh, no, Nev. I'm gonna give the vindaloo a miss. I've never found it much conducive to romance.
Barman [Having answered the phone] Is there a Dennis Patterson here?
Neville: Aye. That must be Dennis. [Dennis returns to the bar] Den, there's a phone call for you.
Dennis: Eh?
Neville: Phone.
Dennis: It cannae be for me, man. Naebody knows I'm here.
Neville: No, honest.
Barman: Are you Dennis Patterson?
Dennis: Aye. [The barman signals for Dennis to come round to the phone. Dennis does so.] Hello?
Bomber: So where are we staying then, Nev?
Neville: Eh? I dunno. Barry's, I suppose.
Wayne: There ain't many amenities, mate. If I were you, I'd come with us. I might need a bit of, er... immoral support. [Tipping his head to the hitchhikers. Dennis returns to the bar.]
Neville: Who was that, Den? Was it Norma?
Dennis: Nah. It was Barry.
Bomber: Is he comin' back?
Dennis: [Downing his Scotch] No. He'd rather we went across to see him. Yeah... he's been breathalysed! [He and Neville laugh.]

The Return of the Seven: Part 2[edit]

Moxey: You still, er, married then, Nev?
Neville: Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?
Moxey: Well... no reason, like. It's just that... well, y'know, the tattoo you had, with the other Judy's name on. Must've thrown a bit of a wobbler over that.
Barry: Ah, how'd you explain that one away?
Neville: I didn't. I couldn't. I just... told her the truth. Well... sort of. Said you lot got us drunk and held us down while they did it. She believed us... eventually. We just agreed never to mention it.

[At the motel reception, Dennis checks out. Wayne appears.]

Wayne: All right, Den? You're keen.
Dennis: What?
Wayne: To get to work, it's only twenty past eight, I wasn't planning on going in 'til ten meself.
Dennis: Nah, I'm not going, Wayne. Me sister rang, I've to shoot back home. Back.
Wayne: Nothing serious, is it?
Dennis: No, nah. Just, er, summat I have to deal with. Look, I tell you what, er... look, give Barry my apologies, will yer? And er... wish him all the best, okay, mate? [Pats Wayne's arm and turns to leave.]
Wayne: Hey, Den! [Dennis stops in his tracks.] Nice to see you, mate.
Dennis: Oh, sorry. [Shakes Wayne's hand] Nice to see you too, mate. Aye?
Wayne: [Calling after Dennis] Try and get back at the weekend, eh? Might be a giggle! [Dennis leaves the motel. Wayne goes to reception.]
Receptionist: [To Wayne] Oh, Sir?
Wayne: Yeah?
Receptionist: The two young ladies in Room 216...
Wayne: Oh, yeah. Could you give 'em a bell, please? Tell 'em I'm on me way to breakfast?
Receptionist: Well, they have checked out, sir.
Wayne: [His face falls] They've what?
Receptionist: Well they said that you'll be paying their bill.

[Wayne drives back to Barry's with Bomber.]

Bomber: Sorry I missed Den. Scarcely said a word to him last night.
Wayne: Well, none of us did, he was that pissed.
Bomber: He never used to knock it back like that. Not Scotch, anyhow.
Wayne: Never used to drive a Jag, did he?
Bomber: [Admiring Wayne's car's interior] Well, you can't complain. Fancy motor, this.
Wayne: Yeah well, I earnt it, didn't I, Bomb? Little present to meself after six bleedin' months in the Arctic Circle.
Bomber: Good money, then?
Wayne: Yeah... but it weren't just that. There was nowhere to bleedin' spend it, was there? I mean, d'you know, our only diversions was tapes and videos.
Bomber: [Spotting a blonde lady waiting to cross the road] What did you do about sex?
Wayne: Not a lot. D'you know how hard it is to catch a penguin?

[Neville, Bomber, Wayne and Moxey start work on the back of Barry's house...]

Wayne: He's got a bleedin' nerve, that Barry, eh? Asks us all up here to help 'im out then does a runner.
Neville: Went to see Hazel, didn't he?
Wayne: Against my explicit instructions, yes! All those hours I wasted in Germany tutoring 'im in the ways of the opposite sex.
Moxey: I'm not so sure they're your strong suit anymore, otherwise you would've had to pay for those two birds last night.
Wayne: Cheap at half the price, son.
Moxey: Ah, bollocks.
Wayne: You weren't there, were you, Mox?
Bomber: No. But I was. And I heard them turnin' you away! [He and Neville chuckle]
Neville: I dunno what you were thinkin' of in the first place, I thought you were supposed to be a married man now.
Wayne: [Gets up, defensively all of a sudden] Christa and I have an understanding, Neville. We've got a modern marriage.
Neville: What, you mean it won't last? [Wayne points at Neville, then goes to sit on the windowsill]
Bomber: Where is that lad, er... whats-his-name?
Neville: Trevor.
Moxey: Trev. He prefers Trev.
Bomber: Oh, does he? [Shouts] Trevor? [Looks to the window directly above Wayne where Trevor is painting] Trevor!
Trevor [Opens the window] The name's Trev.
Bomber: Whatever it is, sunshine, put the kettle on, eh?
Trevor: I'm not a bloody tea boy, you know!
Wayne: Well, what are ya, then?
Trevor: I'm an apprentice.
Bomber: Well, we're skilled craftsmen doin' a mate a favour, so put that bloody kettle on! [Trevor slams the window down, showing debris on Wayne below.]
Wayne: Obviously a graduate of the John McEnroe school of charm and decorum.

[At that point, a well dressed young lady appears in the alleyway. She notices the lads.]

Bomber: Mind you, some of my skills are a bit rusty.
Moxey: You not been doin' much of this then, Bomb?
Bomber: Oh not a lot, no. It's a treat for me, this, laying bricks in the fresh air, after some of the jobs I've been doing!

[The lady approaches the lads]

Hazel: [Coughs] 'Scuse me? [The lads stop work] Er, d'you have any idea where Barry Taylor is, please?
Wayne: Wish we did, my dear.
Neville: We think he's with Hazel. That's his fiancée.
Hazel: No, he's not. I'm Hazel!

[Hazel examines the lads' work so far...]

Hazel: [Looking at the gap between the dining area and the kitchen] ...but why did you knock it down?
Wayne: We thought that was the general idea, like.
Neville: Open plan.
Hazel: It was supposed to be a connecting hatch.
Neville: Sorry.
Bomber: We can soon put it back.
Neville: We just wanted to make a start, seeing there's that much to do before you and Barry can get married.
Bomber: [Turning to Trevor] 'Ere, you!
Trevor: What?
Bomber: Why didn't you tell us she didn't want that wall down?
Trevor: 'Cos the skilled craftsmen never asked me(!) [Walks out]
Hazel: Oh... it's not your fault. Barry should have been here.
Wayne: Ah, well, he's not here 'cos he's gone looking for you after what happened last night. And the reason for that, Hazel, is entirely down to me. See, I took him down the pub. Well, we hadn't seen each other for yonks, and, er... we sort of got involved with nostalgic reminiscences.
Neville: He was ever so upset when he realised how late he was.
Moxey: Didn't sleep a wink all night.
Hazel: He slept here?
Moxey: Yeah, with me an' Nev.
Neville: He left the pub to go and see you, but apparently you wouldn't let him in.
Hazel: That was childish of me. I was just so furious with 'im! I should've had it out then and there.
Moxey: Yeah, you should've done, then he wouldn't have got breathalysed.

Dennis: Hey, I heard you been hoyed off of the Falklands, like.
Oz: Oh, did ya hear? Aye, what'd it say on the charge sheet? "The first person to be forcably ejected since the Argentinians."

[Dennis is called to see Ally Fraser, he leaves Oz with the pranged Jaguar. Big Baz is at the door. Fraser is in his office]

Fraser: [Dictating to his secretary] Now I wanna get out the day after tomorrow, Pamela, so can you ring up Heathrow, check the flights to Malaga and ring up Vicky, tell her what you've booked me on and when I'm expected, okay?
Pamela: Alright, Mr. Fraser. Are you gonna be stoppin' at the villa?
Fraser: You bet your sweet butty, I will! [Dennis enters the office.]
Dennis: Oh, if you're busy, Ally, I'll come back later on, alright?
Fraser: Oh no, no, you get yourself in here right now! [Outside, Oz looks at the damage done to the Jag while Big Baz looks on.] Pamela, er, book me a table at La Trattiore for three at eight o'clock.
Pamela: Okay...
Fraser: And close the door, Pamela. I'm not taking any calls. [She leaves the office and closes the door. Dennis looks worried.] So... where did you bugger off to?
Dennis: Look, Ally, what happened was...
Fraser: When I for a well-deserved vacation, I do not expect my staff to do the same!
Dennis: It wasn't like that...
Fraser: Nor do I expect them to have the audacity to take my Jag, which Billy now informs me has got a crumpled left wing.
Dennis: Look, I've already obtained an estimate...
Fraser: I expected to be away for about three weeks, but I felt comfortable in the knowledge that I had people here I could rely on, someone to hol the fort, Dennis. Someone to make my presence felt, even though I was in absentia.
Dennis: It won't happen again, Ally!
Fraser: Well that might be the truest thing you ever said, my friend!
Dennis: Look, if I'm in for a caning here, fine, but don't milk it! I've been to Wolverhampton, I'll tell you for why - one of me mates I worked in Germany with called us up, because he's getting married and he wanted his house fixing up. He called everybody up. So A - I wanted to see me mates again, and B - I thought it would do me soul good to do two weeks honest graft, instead of brown-nosing for you 'cos I owe you six grand!
Fraser: [Taken aback, but calm... and already thinking] Did they all show up?
Dennis: What?
Fraser: These pals you were in Germany with?
Dennis: Most of them, yeah. Why?
Fraser: They're reliable workers, are they, Dennis?
Dennis: For what they do, aye. Top rank. Why?
Fraser: You eaten today?
Dennis: Not really, nah.
Fraser: Nor me, I've been chasin' around like a fart in a colander. [Looks out the window and shouts] BAZ! GET YERSELF UP HERE! [Big Baz enters the building. Oz follows him thinking Dennis is in trouble. Fraser shows Dennis some pictures of a former manor house.] You see this house?
Dennis: Yeah?
Fraser: It needs a conversion. I need a bunch of reliable cowboys in there. Your lads could fit the bill, right?
Dennis: Well, I dunno, they've got their own lives to lead, haven't tha?
Fraser: Oh, Dennis, Dennis, people don't do people favours. If they can afford two weeks out of their lives to go to Wolverhampton, it proves they've got sod all else better to do. I mean it sounds like the sort of blokes who would do a lot of work for a bit of money without too much form filling or VAT. You hearing what I'm saying?
Dennis: Oh, I know exactly what you're saying! Well I could ask them. They might be interested.
Fraser: Do it, Dennis. I need this. [Big Baz enters the office]
Big Baz: You wanted me, Mr. Fraser?
Fraser: Oh aye, Baz! Yes. We're famished. Would Indian suit you, Dennis?
Dennis: Oh, fine. Fine.
Fraser: Right, well we'll have the, er, lamb tikka, one chicken tandoori, the, er... couple of onion bhajis, the special rice for two... [Oz enters the reception and makes a beeline for Fraser's office]
Pamela: [To Oz] Er, please, you cannae go in there! [Oz enters the office anyway]
Dennis: Oz?
Fraser: Who the hell are you?
Oz: [To Fraser] Ne'er mind who I am, I kna who you are!
Dennis: Oz, man!
Oz: [To Dennis] It's alright, I'll handle this. [To Fraser] Listen, I kna all about your reputation, right? I couldn't give a monkey's chuff about it, but I'll just tell yer this - one finger on him... [Points at Dennis] ...and you'll get that! [Pounds his fist against the palm of his other hand] Alright? [Fraser nods to Big Baz to deal with Oz] Oh, aye? [Without flinching, Oz headbutts Big Baz! He starts kicking him]
Dennis: OZ, MAN! For Christ's sake, man!
Oz: It's all right, he dae you nae more trouble.
Dennis: He wasn't gonnae, he was only gannen for a tandoori chicken!
Oz: ...What?
Fraser: Who is this lunatic?
Dennis: Look, it's all been a mistake! This is Oz, man. He's one of the lads I was workin' with in Germany I was tellin' you about.
Fraser: Was he, now?
Oz: Er... I'll meet you outside, I'll wait by the car, shall I? [He exits, leaving Big Baz groaning in pain on the floor.]
Fraser: Not too many people chin Big Baz! [To Dennis, about Oz] Make him chargehand.

[Hazel invites Wayne to her home for a drink. She makes him a cup of tea.]

Hazel: Milk or sugar?
Wayne: Yeah. Both, please. [She hands him a cup.]
Hazel: Have some cake. It's fresh.
Wayne: I won't say no. [She cuts a slice of cake. Wayne hands her a plate and she puts the slice on it.]
Hazel: [Sighs] I find this rather difficult, Wayne, because I don't know you. But, d'you know, I feel as though I do through Barry, 'cos you were his closest friend in Germany, weren't you? [Wayne looks confused] He said you used to do things together, y'know, visit museums on his motorbike.
Wayne: [Lying] Yeah, yeah. I miss that(!)
Hazel: Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you. About Barry.
Wayne: Oh look now, Hazel, if it's about last night, I've told you, it weren't the lads' fault...
Hazel: I'm not talking about the Chinese restaurant, Wayne. I'm talking about the entire last two years. Our engagement, in fact.
Wayne: Ohhh. Been goin' out on the piss a lot, is he? ...'Scuse me, I mean, has he been sort of, er, goin' out with the lads, havin' a couple of...? [Makes a drinking motion]
Hazel: No, no. When has he had a chance? That poor lad went to the Falklands, you know. And he did that for us, for our house, for our future.
Wayne: Well, I don't quite see what you're driving at, Haze.
Hazel: Well... sometimes I have to ask myself if he's ever had a chance to, you know, slow down, take stock, and ask himself if this marriage is what he really wants.
Wayne: I see... [Puts down his cup and plate, then pulls out a Snoopy plush toy he'd been sitting on and puts it aside] ...or is it, er, have you had a chance?
Hazel: [Glances down] Maybe. With all the sacrifices he's made, my emotions are a mixture of guilt and gratitude.
Wayne: It's a bit late in the day for all that, ain't it, love?
Hazel: It's with all you lot arriving and finishing the house. Suddenly everything seems so much more... well... imminent.
Wayne: Well... how can I help?
Hazel: I thought, well, while you were up here, you might have a word, you know, just the two of you, and try and discover his real feelings. Would you do that for me?
Wayne: Yeah. That's all right, there's no bother.
Hazel: Oh, thank you.
Wayne: See... all these pre-marital jitters is par for the course, like, you know.
Hazel: All that's behind you now, isn't it? Barry showed me a picture of your wife. She's... she's very pretty, isn't she?
Wayne: ...Yeah, yeah. Very.
Hazel: Oh, why don't you ask her to come up at the weekend?
Wayne: She's in Germany.
Hazel: Visiting family?
Wayne: [Quiet] Sort of, yeah... she's there indefinitely. Now look, don't tell Barry or the lads about this, eh?
Hazel: No, no. Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it, no.
Wayne: Well, look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this under the circs, should I? But you mustn't worry about your Barry. Sound as a bell, Barry. Not like me! [Chuckles] I'm a bit of a flake, you know, a Jack the Lad. Always have been. Suppose that's why she left me. She said, "I'll come back when you grow up!", she says. [He and Hazel laugh] Could take a bit of a while, that, eh?

[Dennis returns to Barry's.]

Dennis: How, lads!
All: How, Den!
Barry: Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Neville: Didn't expect you back at all.
Dennis: Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Neville: Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Dennis: Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
All: Oz!
Moxey: Bloody hell!
Oz: ...Why, aye.

[Dennis shows the lads the photos of the manor house]

Dennis: Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Moxey: Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Oz: Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Dennis: Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Barry: Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
Dennis: I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
Barry: As you were, Dennis.
Neville: This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Dennis: Yes, Neville, yes.
Wayne: Who is this Ally Fraser?
Neville: Local villain.
Oz: Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Bomber: Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
Dennis: Moxey?
Moxey: I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Dennis: What about you, Wayne?
Bomber: Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Wayne: Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Dennis: Nev?
Neville: Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Dennis: Right, so you're all in then!
Barry: Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
Oz: We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Bomber: When do we start, Den?
Dennis: Monday.
Barry: Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Bomber: Better get crackin' then!

[In the motel car park, the lads prepare to leave for the job on the country house. They load their bags into the backs of Dennis's campervan and Wayne's car...]

Dennis: All right, lads, move yerselves!
Moxey: Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Dennis: Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
Wayne: Right.
Oz: [As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
Dennis: We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Oz: Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
Dennis: What?
Oz: We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
Dennis: Aye.
Oz: And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Moxey: Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
Neville: [Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
Wayne: What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
Bomber: I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Barry: Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
Dennis: It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Neville: Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Barry: Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!

A Law For The Rich[edit]

[The lads pull into a motorway services for breakfast. They look for a free table, carrying their trays of food as they do.]

Neville: [To Wayne] Aye, 'ey, we were talking on the way up about Barry. Well, at least about Hazel postponing the wedding.
Wayne: [As the lads find a table and sit down] I know a bit about that as it happens.
Dennis: How would you know?
Wayne: Well... as I was giving the lovely Hazel a lift home back to her place, she invited me in. Before Barry showed up, she told me the whole situation.
Oz: [As the others start eating] What? You mean poor bloody Barry got back and found you two ensconced? It's nae wonder the wedding's off.
Wayne: Bollocks, Oz. I wouldn't jump a mate's bird, not at three in the afternoon.
Oz: Just as well for him it wasn't half past, innit?
Wayne: Look, she needed someone to confide on, all right? She thought I was his best mate or something.
Neville: So what'd she say?
Wayne: Needed time to think. Was it for the right reasons? Re-evaluate the relationship. Blah-blah-blah. Anyway, the point is, she's got cold feet.
Oz: Well if yer kna that, you must've had your leg over!
Wayne: All right. End of story. Shouldn't have mentioned it, should I?
Bomber: Funny though, whenever us lot get together, it spells trouble for someone.
Neville: So what are we doin' back together?
Oz: 'Cos we're misfits, man. We're drifters. [Looks out onto the motorway] Drifters on the highway of life... [Returns to his seat] as Merle Haggard might have said.
Moxey: I don't see it that way meself. No, we're drifters, yeah. But that's 'cos we're free spirits, rebelling against a system that wants to grind us down. I think comradeship's got a lot to do with it. It c-counts for me, anyway. That's why I'm here. Not just to help out Barry, but to be wit' you lot. Even you, Oz.
Oz: [Stuffing his face] Oh, thank you(!)
Moxey: I'm gonna get a donut. [Leaves the table.]
Dennis: Strange lad, that lad.
Neville: Yer kna, in all the time I've known Moxey, I think that's the longest speech I've ever heard him make!
Oz: Well, if he was that keen to see us, then his life must be pretty bloody desperate, mustn't it?
Wayne: No, Moxey's right, we're free spirits embarking on a great new adventure. We're The Magnificent Seven, and Dennis is Yul Brynner! [They all laugh]
Oz: Aye, he's got aboot the same amount of hair.
Dennis: Oh, aye? Very funny, very funny, aye. Look, we're not going off to repel some marauding Mexicans, yer kna! We're only gannin back to laying bricks for a couple of months.
Oz: Oh, aye? We might as well be in Mexico, mightn't we? Bloody Derbyshire, that's in in the middle of naewhere, isn'it?
Wayne: I'll be Horst Buchholz, 'cos like, he was the youngest and best looking, weren't he?
Oz: Aye, but he were also the most boring bastard, wasn't he?
Wayne: All right, all right...
Oz: He was the one that was always taggin' along, the other six kept havin' to tell 'im to piss off.
Neville: I think Barry should be Yul Brynner, 'cos he's the one that brought us together.
Bomber: [Shakes his head] Can't see that somehow. He's not a natural leader, is Barry.
Oz: Aye. James Coburn, me. 'Cos he was... [Takes a used knife from the plate of an adjacent table] cool, and... [Puts the knife down his boot] ...laconic, weren't he?
Neville: Well, since the situation's vacant, I'll be Steve McQueen.
Wayne: No, hold on, I forgot about him.
Neville: Oh, howay!
Oz: You piss off! You chose the Kraut, so you're stuck with 'im!
Bomber: Well where does that leave me?
Wayne: Charles Bronson, innit?
Dennis: Nah, no, man. There was this big fella, man, was one of 'em. Nobody could ever remember his name.
Oz: Oh, aye. Aye. [Starts tapping Dennis's sleeve with his knife] I can see his face. On the tip...
Dennis: [Brushes Oz away] Howay, man! You pillock!
Oz: I can see him.
Bomber: Ah, well. Just let me know my name if ever you remember it.
Neville: So that leaves... Bronson and Robert Vaughn for Barry and Moxey.
Wayne: Robert Vaughn. He's the one that lost his bottle but redeemeed himself at the finish, weren't he?
Oz: Aye. Bronson... Bronson was the enigmatic one, wasn't he? Deadly, like, but enigmatic. [Moxey returns with his donut.]
Dennis: Agreed, then?
All: Aye.
Dennis: Bronson.
Wayne: You're Charles Bronson, Moxey.
Moxey: [Halfway through biting into his donut] You what? Why?
Oz: 'Cos nae bugger can fathom you, man.

[Ally Fraser and Malcolm Hallwood, his solicitor, visit the manor house, known as Thornely Manor, for the first time.]

Fraser: The photographs didn't do this place justice! It's even bigger than I imagined.
Hallwood: Yeah... you know, Ally, I've always thought that Victorian architecture was a gesture of their confidence rather than their taste.
Fraser: Ah, well. Anyway, Malcolm, a hundred years ago or so there'd be one family living in this place. Coal owner, probably. Picture it - there's a thousand wretches slaving away underground for a hundred hours a week for a bowl of dripping, and he's up here supping claret and playing billiards after dinner. [Chuckles] Those were the days, eh, son?
Hallwood: As a point of fact, I think most of the industry 'round here was steel.
Fraser: Well, times change. Most of Kenny Ames's money came from pornography.
Hallwood: Did he ever actually live in the house?
Fraser: Ahh, I think he spent a few weekends here, before the Fraud Squad caused his hasty departure to Málaga.
Hallwood: The Fraud Squad's my main concern, Ally. Any transaction involving his property is gonna show straight up on their computers.
Fraser: So? They can't freeze his assets. Thanks to our great British judicial system, a man is innocent until proven guilty. And Kenny Ames will be innocent until the day he dies, provided he dies in Spain.
Hallwood: It draws attention to you. I mean they're not gonna fail to notice that the sale price is way below market value. That's fraud, Ally! You're avoiding Capital Gains Tax, to say nothing of Stamp Duty.
Fraser: Look, my survey report will show that this building is ridden with dry rot, rising damp, woodworm and horribly, possibly, even deathwatch beetle! He's very lucky I'm taking it out of his hands!
Hallwood: You haven't had a survey! [Fraser goes to a back door with a crumbling arch] I haven't even had time to conduct the normal searches.
Fraser: Well, my survey report will show exactly what I want it to show, my friend. [Picks from the crumbling arch] I guarantee that.

[The lads finally reach Thornely Manor.]

Wayne: Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
Moxey: [As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
Oz: Bollocks!
Moxey: I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.

[By the front door]

Neville: What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Dennis: Timesharing units, they call 'em.
Neville: All self-contained, like?
Dennis: Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Neville: Lot of work?
Dennis: Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Neville: Fine by me.
Dennis: Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Neville: Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.

[Moxey and Oz explore the back, looking for an entrance.]

Moxey: [Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
Oz: [Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]

[Back at the front...]

Bomber: What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
Wayne: We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Dennis: Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Neville: Where's Oz and Mox?
Wayne: Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.

[Round the back, Oz manages to pry a window open. As he and Moxey slip inside, they are noticed by a local walking her dog nearby.]

Dennis: Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Bomber: Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Neville: Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
Dennis: It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.

[The door opens, and Oz emerges with Moxey by his side.]

Oz: [Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]

[The lads go to The Barley Mow pub in the village, run by ex-RAF pilot Arthur Pringle.]

Oz: [At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
Pringle: Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Oz: Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
Wayne: [Getting up] Same again, is it?
Bomber: No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Neville: Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
Moxey: Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
Neville: 'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Wayne: Got any of them pies left, squire?
Pringle: No, you had the last.
Wayne: Got any Scotch eggs?
Pringle: No.
Wayne: Have you got anything hot?
Pringle: [Checks his watch] It's after two.
Bomber: Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
Pringle: Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
Bomber: ...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
Oz: [Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
Neville: [Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
Oz: No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
Pringle: [Offended] Are you referring to me?
Oz: Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
Pringle: I resigned six years ago.
Oz: Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
Pringle: What do you mean "easy"?
Oz: Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
Pringle: I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!

[Back at Thornely Manor, the local police officer leaves after investigating the "break in", just as Fraser, Hallwood and Big Baz arrive.]

Fraser: How're you doing, Dennis? What was the law after?
Dennis: Ah, just checkin' up, like, yer kna.
Fraser: Aye. D'you know Malcolm Hallwood?
Dennis: No. Hello there. [They shake hands]
Fraser: [To Hallwood as he hands Dennis the architect's plans] Dennis will be in charge of the operations. [Fraser, Hallwood and Big Baz get out of the car]
Hallwood: It looks like you've got your work cut out, Dennis.
Dennis: I've got the right lads for it, like, yer kna. [Wayne, Bomber, Oz and Neville look accusingly at Fraser]
Fraser: They look more like a bunch of mercenaries!

[Later that evening, the lads look for a B&B. Dennis pulls up in front of The Barley Mow.]

Dennis: This place looks all right.
Oz: No, I don't reckon this place is a good idea.
Dennis: Eh? We've been all over the place, Oz.
Neville: I thought that Mrs. Armitage seemed nice enough.
Wayne: Nah, you know what that's gonna be, don't you? "Wipe your feet before you come in and lights out after ten."
Dennis: Course we can always stay with Ally at the Cross Keys at £50 a night, like.
Neville: Well if we don't find somewhere soon, we're gonna end up kipping down at the house.
Wayne: I don't fancy that.
Dennis: Look, man, it's only for one night 'til we find somewhere permanent. Some of us are starving because we didn't get any dinner!
Oz: Alreet, alreet. Suit yerselves.
Dennis: Right, let's gan in. [Gets out of the van, noticing the others don't.] What's the matter?
Wayne: Well, you're best at this sort of thing, Den. Y-yeah, you handle it.
Dennis: Do you lads kna somethin' I don't?
Oz: No...

[Dennis goes into The Barley Mow, finding Pringle placing beer mats on a table.]

Dennis: Evening. Er, have you got any rooms free?
Pringle: I might have.
Dennis: Er, you couldn't manage three twins, could you?
Pringle: How many nights?
Dennis: At least a couple.
Pringle: Yes, I think I can manage that.
Dennis: Champion. [Pringle returns to the bar. Dennis goes to the front door and calls out to the lads.] Right, lads. No problem. [He goes to the bar.]
Pringle: That'll be £18 a night, and I don't take credit cards.
Dennis: That's okay, we prefer cash anyway. Er, I tell you what, give us five pints of this bitter to start with, please. [Pringle starts pouring the beers as the lads enter with their cases.]
Oz: Hello again! [Pringle looks up with a look of bewilderment!]

[The following morning, the lads return to Thornely Manor. As Dennis leaves to go into town, Moxey emerges from a room in the house, looking absolutely frozen.]

Neville: Mox!
Moxey: Hello, lads.
Neville: Where the hell have you been?
Moxey: I dossed down here last night.
Bomber: You look bloody frozen! [Picks up Neville's jacket] Here, lad. [Throws the jacket over Moxey's shoulders]
Moxey: Cheers, mate.
Wayne: So what's the word, then, eh? I mean, I think you owe us an explanation, mate. [After running away after the sight of a police car the previous day]
Moxey: Yeah... I've been in prison, see.
Oz: We kna that, man, but that was yonks ago, wasn'it? It doesn't mean you have to shit yerself every time you see a police.
Moxey: No, I mean I've been in recently. Like last week. An' I'm not due out 'til next March.
Neville: What, you mean, you've went over the wall?
Moxey: Well, it wasn't a closed nick. I was in an open prison in Cheshire. Wasn't as if I had to dig a tunnel or rent an helicopter. I just walked out the front door. Bought a Toblerone at the post office and got a bus to Macclesfield.
Neville: Why?
Moxey: I've got a mate there. He gave us a float and I made me way to Barry's.
Neville: You must be mad, Mox.
Wayne: Yeah, it's a bloody lunatic thing to do, Mox.
Bomber: If it was an open prison, you must have been dealt with fairly lenient.
Moxey: Oh I was. I'm not a Grade A villain! I just got done for the old trouble.
Neville: What, arson?
Moxey: Yeah. You see, with me, they know that it's a ps-ps-psychological defect, as opposed to a cr-criminal tendency.
Oz: Ah, they also didn't want a prison burned to the ground, did they?
Wayne: Yeah, but blimey, Mox, if it was an open prison, you must've had life pretty cushy, eh?
Moxey: It's still stir, Wayne. It's still people tellin' you what to do an' when to do it! I had a year of it ahead of me.
Wayne: Well, they'll have a bloody sight more when they nick you, mate.
Bomber: Wayne's right. If you give yourself up, you'll be caned for your walkabout. But if you don't, and you get collared, you'll be looking at two years.
Moxey: I'll take me chances.
Bomber: Suit yourself. [Gets up to start work.]
Wayne: I'll say no more.
Oz: Aye, don't worry, Moxey. We'll look after yer.
Moxey: I'm bloody frozen.
Neville: Maybe we could light a fire, eh?
Moxey: That's a good idea, that...
Wayne: Er... no. No, not you, Moxey. I think I'll do it.

[The lads have a tea break round the back of the house. The lady who saw Oz and Moxey make their way in stops by as she walks the dog.]

Mrs. Bellamy: Good morning.
Neville: How do.
Mrs. Bellamy: I'm Helen Bellamy. I owe you gentlemen an apology. It was I who sent the policeman here yesterday. I'm afraid I thought you were criminals. [Oz chuckles.]
Neville: I suppose we did look a bit out of place, like, roond here.
Mrs. Bellamy: Mr. Ames, er, talked about doing some work on the house.
Neville: It's not Mr. Ames we're workin' for. This is owned by a Mr. Fraser now.
Mrs. Bellamy: Oh? It's been sold? I never saw any signs. None of the local estate agents had it listed. Of course, Mr. Ames was rather a mystery man. My husband and I met him once when we were raising money for Oxfam. He made a very generous donation. And then one day, we opened the Sunday newspapers and found him described as King Porn!
Wayne: Oh yeah?
Mrs. Bellamy: "Is this Britain's most evil man?" one of them asked. We'd always found him perfectly charming.
Oz: You cannae gan judging a book by what you see printed on the front cover, pet, can yer?
Mrs. Bellamy: I beg your pardon?
Neville: He's sayin' appearances can be deceptive.
Wayne: Yeah, y'see these days, a lot of villains become country squires, don't they? You know, mingle with local nobs, take up fox hunting, have sherry with the vicar. Then once a month, they pops down to London and does the old bullion job.
Oz: Aye, then they get rumbled, y'see, and dodge over to Spain, divvn't they?
Mrs. Bellamy: Ah, Spain? Yes, where one gathers Mr. Ames now resides.
Neville: Would you like a cup of tea, Mrs..?
Mrs. Bellany: No.. thank you. Jasper and I must be getting along.
Moxey: Nice dog, that. I like retrievers.
Oz: [Laughs] I would've thought a retriever would be the last sort of dog you'd have fancied, Moxey! [Laughs again]
Moxey: Shut up, Oz.
Mrs. Bellamy: The old house could do with a lick of paint.
Neville: Oh, it's more than that, pet. Big job, this. Conversion.
Mrs. Bellany: Really?
Neville: Aye. We'll be here a while.
Oz: Aye, so you'd better lock up yer daughters! [Chuckles]

[The following day, the lads return to Thornely Manor to start ripping the guts of the building out. They also look for Moxey, who'd fled The Barley Mow after discovering two plain-clothes policemen from the Fraud Squad were staying there investigating the Thornely Manor sale.]

Oz: [Kicking in the door from which Moxey emerged the day before] Come on, Moxey, man. We know you're in there!
Wayne: If we're getting in this early, we might as well not have gone to bed.
Moxey: [From another room] Is it safe?
Wayne: No, the place is surrounded by the SPG with riot shields(!) [Moxey emerges]
Oz: Ah, you divvn't half flatter yerself, ye dae, lad. You're not exatly public enemy number one, is yer?
Moxey: They were cops.
Wayne: Plain-clothes from the Smoke don't come round looking for toerags like you, son. [Dennis enters.]
Moxey: Hello, Den.
Dennis: Morning, Papillon! [The others laugh. Dennis throws Moxey some food in a paper bag] Here. A bacon and egg sandwich there for you.
Moxey: Oh, cheers, mate. Oh, by the way, it was Brad Dexter.
Wayne: What was?
Moxey: The bloke we couldn't think of in The Magnificent Seven. Bomber's character, it was Brad Dexter.
Wayne: Never 'eard of 'im.
Moxey: No-one has. That's why we couldn't remember him. Couldn't sleep last night, see. What with worrying about the law and the cold and the rats.
All: Rats?!
Dennis: I couldn't sleep, worryin' about you an' your situation, an' what I'm gonna do about it, Moxey!
Moxey: Oh. Sorry, Den. I should've levelled with you.
Oz: I think he's right... I think it was Brad Dexter. ...Ah! Now that's who he was, man! He was the gadgy what saved Frank Sinatra's life, wasn'he?
Moxey: That's right.
Wayne: When was that, then?
Oz: I dunno, Wayne, I'm not the Memory Man, am I? But, er... apparently what happened was Sinatra got a ducking one time and nearly drowned, like, and that Dexter gadgy dived in, pulled him out and saved him. That would've been it, wouldn'it? In clover for the rest of his natch. Ahh, just imagine it, eh? Limos, boilers, monogrammed cufflinks with yer initials on. Owt you fancy, I'd imagine.

[Back at The Barley Mow, the lads get changed. Dennis examines Oz's jacket.]

Dennis: Hey? Amarillo?
Oz: [Brushing his teeth] Aye. D'you like it? [Dennis joins the queue for the bathroom. Moxey and Neville are in front.]
Moxey: Hey! [Bangs the door] Hurry up, Wayne, will you? There's a bloody queue out here, y'know.
Dennis: Why do these places always just have one bog?
Neville: I've just been sayin' to Mox, he'll be all right with us, won't he? He's our mate, we've gotta look after 'im.
Dennis: Well that's all very well for you to say. Technically I'm the employer.
Oz: Ah, that says a lot about where your mentality is, yer kna, Den.
Dennis: [Goes back to his and Oz's room] What's that supposed to mean?
Oz: Well, what do yer think it means?
Dennis: I don't know. You tell me what my mentality is.
Oz: Well, in a word, you see yerself as a gaffer, don't yer? Always have done.
Moxey: [Walking past the door] That's a whole sentence.
Oz: [Shouts down the corridor] Hey, man! I'm sayin' this for your benefit, yer kna, tosspot! [He and Dennis follow Moxey into his and Bomber's room]
Moxey: Yeah, all right...
Dennis: Shut up, both of yer! [To Moxey] Look, I've got to handle this job legit, right?
Bomber: [Cutting his toenails] But Ally's a crafty old bugger himself.
Dennis: Well that's all the more reason, isn'it, why he doesn't want to bring any heat down by some petty infringement of the Employment Act! Look, I have to do their 715, stamp their ticket. Moxey's got neither. [To Moxey] Look, Moxey, if you're picked up, God forbid, they're going to ask me, yer kna, quite rightly, why I hired you without proper documentation. So when you talk about accessories, it won't be you lot, will it? Oh nah, it'll be yours truly who ends up in the clarts!
Oz: See what I mean about the gaffer's mentality?
Moxey: Yeah, but he's right though, isn't he? I can't compromise him. It wouldn't be fair.
Oz: All right, all right. But does it not strike you lot as a bit ironic? All this setup, eh?
Dennis: What?
Oz: [Spits out the toothpaste] Here we are, right. We're workin' for this bloke, whose reputation is, to say the least... dubious. I mean I kna all aboot Ally Fraser, yer kna. He's a heavy duty villain. But he's alreet, 'cos he's so bloody wrapped up by lawyers, accountants and legal loopholes, he couldn't give a monkey's chuff aboot the law, the Inland Revenue or nowt! And you're more worried aboot Moxey, who, I mean, yer kna, with all due respect, is just some lowlife punter! His only real fault is he gans through life thinkin' every day is Guy Fawkes' Night!0

[Barry arrives at The Barley Mow just after Moxey makes yet another departure...]

Wayne: [Whistles to get Pringle's attention] Same again please, squire, and a whisky and pep.
Pringle: Do you mind not calling me "squire" or "chief" or "boyo" or "mate", or any other title you... people have bestowed on me?
Wayne: Gotta call you something. [Mouths behind Pringle's back] Prick. [Dennis, also at the bar, almost chokes on his beer laughing.]
Pringle: Then why not try Arthur? That is my given name.
Wayne: As you wish, Arthur. I say, Arthur... d'you think I could have a little brandy on the side please, Arthur? I think I've got a cold coming on, Arthur. [He and Dennis snigger]
Barry: [Entering the public bar with his bags] Evening, each!
All: Oh, Barry!
Neville: Howay, mate!
Wayne: Just drive up, did you, son?
Barry: Yeah. Aye, I did. Flipping heather broke in my van an' all!
Bomber: You'd better have a snort, eh?
Barry: Oh, I'm not havin' a penis colada, I'll tell you that much.
Dennis: Not round here, you're not. [Barry goes to warm himself by the fire]
Wayne: Better make that another whisky and pep, Arthur.
Pringle: Is he another one?
Wayne: Last of The Magnificent Seven, this. Barry Taylor, meet Mr. Arthur Pringle, your genial host(!)
Barry: [Approaching the bar] Good evening, squire.
Pringle: I've only got a single room, and it's £15 cash.
Barry: Whatever, I have the wherewithal.
Oz: Barry, take nae notice of Miserable Mick, man. Have a seat with the lads.
Bomber: [Getting up] Have my seat. I think my vindaloo's on the move. [Leaves to go to the toilet]
Oz: It certainly moves fast that curry, doesn'it? I divvn't kna why we don't just buy it and sling it straight doon the bog! We'd be cuttin' the middleman oot then! [Barry sits in Bomber's seat]
Neville: There's nae food here, I'm afraid, Barry.
Barry: Ah, I'm not interested in food, Neville. I haven't eaten a proper meal for three days, actually.
Neville: Oh, dear, aye. Hazel, is it?
Barry: I thought you'd never ask(!) [Wayne brings Barry a drink]
Wayne: So your presence here indicates that conciliatory talks have broken down, I assume.
Barry: Pro tem, Wayne, yes. She needs to think things through, like. She needs her own space, as it were.
Wayne: I'm sure it'll all work out, son.
Barry: Oh yeah, yeah. No, I'm sure it will, yeah. Yeah, but in the meantime, I thought it best to get away, like.
Neville: What are you doin' about the business?
Barry: Couldn't face it, Nev. I let it slip, anyhow, recently, what with the house and stuff. No, no. Wolverhampton's just too painful a place for me to be at this point in time.
Oz: Too painful a place for me at the best of times.
Barry: Oh, no, I mean it's got too many memories. No, I thought, best get away with me mates and get my head stuck into some honest graft.
Wayne: Oh, yeah?
Dennis: Aye, well, er... if you were thinkin' about easing the pain by throwing yerself into work, there's a bit of a hiccup, I'm afraid.
Oz: Aye, just a little one(!)
Barry: What do you mean "hiccup"?
Wayne: Well, look, we've got a couple of problems there, Barry. The bloke we're working for has the Fraud Squad breathing down his neck, which doesn't instil confidence. We've had to down tools on the old house. They've slapped a preservation order on it. And apparently... Moxey's on the run from the nick. So we're harbouring a fugitive from justice. Apart from that, everything else is triff.
Barry: Blimey. What have I got myself into?
Neville: Well, the Moxey business isn't such a problem now we're not working.
Oz: Nah. Nae graft, nae ticket, nae bother, eh, Den?
Bomber: [Returning from the toilet] Well, there is no Moxey problem.
Dennis: What d'you mean?
Bomber: He's buggered off again. His bed's not been slept in and his tools are all gone.
Oz: Oh, aye. Aye. What was it he said last night, eh? "I cannae compromise you, Dennis", wasn'it? Well he hasn't, has he? He's pissed off to keep you in the clear!
Wayne: Oh, knock it off, Oz!
Oz: What?
Wayne: Den didn't drive him away, did he?
Oz: Are you trying to say I did?
Neville: Nobody did! He just didn't want to implicate any of us. You've gotta respect him for that.
Wayne: Look, maybe he's gone back to turn himself in, eh?
Dennis: Keep your voices down, will yer? Look, I know one thing - I just hope he doesn't get collared on his way back to the nick, 'cos they'll not believe he was on his way back.
Barry: Poor old Mox! All alone in the night... it's bitter out, you know.
Neville: I wonder where he is now, eh? Probably sleeping rough.
Oz: Aye, he's probably curled up in some bloody ditch. Scared stiff, bloody frozen stiff.
Barry: [Shakes his head] I think it's terrible... Still... [Polishes of his whisky] he's gone, I may as well have his bed. [Everyone turns and stares at Barry] Well, there's no point in paying extra for a single room!

Another Country[edit]

[It's the morning after Barry arrived. Barry waits for the bathroom]

Barry: Are you gonna be in there much longer, Bomb?
Bomber: You want a written estimate?
Barry: It's just you've been monopolising it, you know.
Bomber: It's all right for you. You didn't have a curry last night, did you?
Oz: [Poking his head out of his room] Morning.
Barry: Morning... is there another lavatory in this place, Oz?
Oz: Er... I think there's a bog in the back yard. But if you're desperate, just lob it out the window, man.
Neville: [From downstairs] Tea's up, lads!
Oz: [Rushing past Barry, still in his vest and pants!] Breakfast!
Barry: Oh, I'll just have to hold it. [Follows Oz downstairs.]

[Neville, Oz and Barry head down to the bar where Pringle sets down a pot of tea and a rack of toast. Wayne is at the table already.]

Neville: Morning, Arthur.
Wayne: Morning. [Neville and Barry sit at the table. Oz yawns and stretches behind Pringle.]
Oz: I suppose... I suppose it'd be too much to ask for one boiled egg, would it?
Pringle: [Disgusted with Oz's choice of dress for breakfast] Tea and toast. I told you that when you registered. I'll get some Marmite.
Oz: Nah, divvn't gan to all that trouble, mate, man(!) [Sits at the table]
Wayne: Hey, Oz. Oz. Remember what Arthur said. He don't like to be called mate, chief, squire, admiral, petal or bacon balls. [Pringle quickly turns round on hearing that last one, then goes into the back.]
Neville: How'd you sleep, Barry? Okay?
Barry: I did, surprisingly enough, yes.
Wayne: Back in the bosom of your family, ain't it?
Barry: There's a lot of truth in that, you know, Wayne. I can't tell you how much the thought of being with me muckers sustained me at me time of grief.
Oz: [Getting up to stand by the fireplace] Oh howay, Barry, man. Yer fiancée hasn't snuffed it, man! She's just got cold feet for a while, man. [Takes the heater out and moves it towards the back of his seat]
Barry: Oi, oi, pro tem, pro tem. You know, I think that there's something that exists between men that doesn't exist between men and women.
Oz: Who's sharing a room with him?
Barry: I'm not talking about that, Oz. That's pretty typical of you, that is! I'm talkin' about comradeship, not turd-burgling!
Pringle: [Right on cue, brings the Marmite] There you are.
Oz: Oh-ho-ho! Things are really looking up, aren't they, eh(?) He'll be givin' wor forks and spoons and serviette rings next(!)
Barry: I don't think women understand that, you see.
Neville: What?
Barry: What I'm talkin' about. Comradeship. I think that's what freaked Hazel out when you lot showed up. I dunno, she felt threatened somehow, y'know. She felt, like, excluded.
Oz: Well, you cannae blame us for what happened there!
Barry: No, no, no...
Wayne: I think Barry's right, you know.
Oz: How's that?
Wayne: Look, any of our women would've reacted the same, wouldn't they? Eh? I mean, they sort of resent our shared past.
Neville: Huh. I don't think Brenda felt left out 'cos she didn't share a wooden hut with us lot in Düsseldorf.
Barry: No, granted, granted, but, say us lot had showed up at your place, all... all laughing and joking, full of the joys of spring. It's bound to have the same effect, innit?
Neville: She probably wouldn't even notice. Too busy at the hospital or playing badminton with doctors.
Oz: [With a mouth full of toast] Oh, aye? What's all this, like? Badminton with doctors?
Neville: She's her own woman, like. I'm all for it.
Barry: You know, I think that makes a very good living, Nev. Yeah? I think a changing role for woman is inevitable, and right, in this day and age. I mean, we can't chain them to the kitchen sink, can we? [Chuckles] I mean, I've always encouraged my Hazel in her career. Yep.
Oz: Well, I never discouraged Marjorie from takin' a career. I would've been quite happy for her to gan out and bring a few quid in. But change to her meant something completely different to that. Change to her meant changing from humpin' the bloke at the rates office to humpin' the TV repair bloke, to humpin' some gadgy up Wallsend slipway!
Wayne: Are we to take it things between you and your Marjorie aren't altogether tickety-boo(?)
Oz: Well, would ye be with her after that lot?
Barry: Erm, I'm sorry, Oz, but quite frankly, I think you brought it on yourself.
Oz: How's that, like?
Barry: Well, look. When we were in the Falklands, right, you never wrote to her, you never phoned, you never sent any money...
Neville: Same as when we were in Germany!
Oz: Yes! Yes, but that's simply because of the sort of woman what she is, isn'it? I mean, she's been humpin' half of Tyneside while my back's been turned.
Barry: Ah, but which came first, Oz? The chicken or the egg? Your neglect or her promiscuity? And after all, the love you take is equal to the love you make. In the words of John Lennon. I was never quite sure what it meant, actually...

[At a golf course in Marbella, Kenny Ames practises his swing, when Ally Fraser arrives.]

Kenny: Good morning, Ally.
Fraser: No, Kenny, it is not a good morning. It is not a good morning at all.
Kenny: Oh well, if your mood's going to affect your game, we'll double the ante.
Fraser [Putting his bag of clubs onto the back of Kenny's golf buggy] You are the cause of my mood, Kenny! You could say that I'm just a wee bitty peeved with you.
Kenny: Oh? Why, didn't you like that little masseuse I sent you last week? She did wonders with my back swing.
Fraser: [Getting his driver out] I'm talking about the house, Kenny. Why did you not tell me that it was a listed building?
Kenny: You didn't ask me.
Fraser: How am I supposed to turn it into timesharing units when it's got a preservarion order slapped on it?
Kenny: I didn't know that was your intention.
Fraser: Piss off, Kenny! You didn't think I was gonna live there, did you?
Kenny: Yeah, I did, actually. You'd better tee off, son. There's some people coming. [Ally tees off aggressively, creating a large divot in the teeing area. Kenny laughs] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What bad luck. [Gets a tee out of his pocket and places it into the ground] You know, I was actually going to live in the place when I first bought the drum. Rather saw myself as a country squire. Got myself all kitted out - guns from Purdies, suits from Daks, bought myself a fishing rod and a Range Rover. [Looks along the hole and shouts] Cuatro!
Ally: [At the buggy] What?
Kenny: Fore, you berk. [Hits the ball. It lands in a better place than Ally's. Kenny laughs.] Even went up there a few weekends to inveigle myself with the local populace. Invited the neighbours over for sherry. [Gets in the buggy with Ally.] Even opened a bleeding church bazaar.
Ally: [As he starts to drive the buggy along the hole] The local populace, I assume, were quite unaware of the fact you were London's leading pornographer?
Kenny: Oh, yeah. I mean, I kept that shtum. Hinted at the rag trade. I was really getting into it. One day I woke up and I thought, "I'd even like to end my days here." I wasn't being morbid, more philosophical, really. I thought, "If I snuff it, I'd rather like to do it in a typical English rural setting. Preferably with a cricket match on the village green."
Fraser: And is there honey still for tea?
Kenny: What?
Fraser: Rupert Brooke.
Kenny: Who's he? One of Ronnie Knight's mob?
Fraser: No, he's a poet, Kenny. Shared your new-found affections for the joys of England.
Kenny: Oh, I must give him a read. Is he one of the modern ones?
Fraser: No, no. Long gone, Kenny. [Stops the buggy.] Died in a foreign field. Which is exactly what you will do. [Gets out of the buggy and gets a club.]
Kenny: Ally, I was set up. That's the tragedy of it.
Fraser: I feel a wee bit the same way! [Fraser frantically searches for his ball in the rough.]
Kenny: Oh, come on, Ally. You've acquired a beautiful residence, well below the market value. All you've got to do is to restore it to its former grandeur. [Fraser chips the ball out of the rough.] Why don't you turn it into a fat farm?

[Oz, Bomber and Barry go for a walk around the village. A dog in a garden barks loudly at them.]

Oz: Bloody hell!
Bomber: No need for that. [Trying to soothe the dog] Good boy, good boy.
Oz: Oh, that's an attack dog, that is. It's trained to go for the working class.
Bomber; He's just not used to strangers, are you, boy?
Oz: Eh, well that's the sort of welcome we can expect roond here. [The dog continues barking]
Barry: Bit of Alsatian in him, I think. [The dog owner comes out]
Dog Owner: [Approaching his front gate] Why are you annoying my dog?
Oz: What?!
Dog Owner: He doesn't bark for nothing!
Bomber: We were just having a stroll.
Dog Owner: [Looking at the three] Who are you people?
Oz: Who exactly do we have to be?
Dog Owner: I mean... What are you doing around here?
Barry: Everybody's got to be somewhere, sir.

[Wayne replaces the window at The Barley Mow that Oz broke playing football. Pringle's daughter Carol, who is visiting for a few days, brings Wayne a mug of tea.]

Carol: I, er, brought you some tea.
Wayne: Oh, cheers. Just finished, as it happens.
Carol: Is that your job? Windows?
Wayne: Only when the lads have got a ball. Basically, I'm a chippie. [Takes the mug] Ta. Here, look, I'm sorry about rubbishing your old man, you know. Me and Arthur get on like a house on fire.
Carol: Oh, well, it's more than I do.
Wayne: Oh, yeah? [They sit on a bench in the pub car park] Bit iffy, is it?
Carol: Since my mum left, he's got worse, really. All his children are a terrible disappointment to him.
Wayne: How come?
Carol: None of us joined the Air Force. My sister lives with a lecturer, and my brother's gay and runs a health food restaurant.
Wayne: Oh, yeah? And what do you do?
Carol: I'm studying sociology at Nottingham. My last year.
Wayne: And then where?
Carol: As far away as possible.
Wayne: [Pulls a cigarette from behind his ear] Here, d'you want one of these?
Carol: Oh thanks, yeah. [Wayne gives her a cigarette from his packet and lights both cigarettes. Carol takes a drag then exhales.] I used to love it round here when I was a kid. I can't stand it now. The people have changed. They're all the rich overspill from Sheffield, or retired Tories with nothing better to do than complain about Arthur Scargill.
Wayne: Yeah. I reckon our presence here's raised a few eyebrows. [Carol chuckles.]
Pringle: [Calls round the side of the pub] Carol!
Carol: [Sighs] See you later. [Gets up and leaves Wayne.]

[Dennis invites his sister Norma to stay down at The Cross Keys, a more upmarket hotel and bar than The Barley Mow. They've just finished a meal.]

Norma: [As a waitress takes their plates] Well, that was delicious, Dennis. Thanks very much, love.
Dennis: D'you want a sweet?
Norma: Oh, I shouldn't really, but... I might think about it later. [To the waitress] Give us a few minutes, pet.
Dennis: Nothing for me, thanks. I'll have a brandy though, when you've got five minutes. [The waitress leaves. Dennis downs his glass of wine.]
Norma: I must say this is a rare treat for me, Den.
Dennis: Well, it's a thank you, Norma. Thank you for givin' us a bed and board, doin' me laundry, puttin' up with me moods, helpin' us with the kids when they come over.
Norma: This place can't be cheap, though.
Dennis: Ahh, it's all right. I'll lay some of it off on Ally. Consultations with the architect.
Norma: Well he can afford it, he'll never notice the difference. D'you know, I saw that Vicky in Fenwicks about a month ago? She had coat on that would've paid for this hotel!
Dennis: Aye, she's done all right for herself, young Vicky. Mind you, I've always said she'd go far with legs like hers!
Norma: How long though, Den?
Dennis: Oh, I just admire them, Norma. I've never measured them.
Norma: No, man. I'm talkin' about how long before Ally Fraser dumps her! Or before dumps you for that matter.
Dennis: Ohh, now, let's not start on Ally again.
Norma: I can't help it, Den! I don't like the man, he gives me the creeps. And I hate you workin' for him, and don't tell me you enjoy it 'cos I know you don't. I know why you're doin' it, of course, for the bairns.
Dennis: [Defensively] Well, I wouldn't be here if I didn't!
Norma: Yes, but you're trying to pretend that you're happy. I know you're not. That's you haven't been in touch Neville or any of your friends, isn'it? You try to hide it from me, but I can see right through you, Den. I can see the strain you're under.
Dennis: Well, this... isn't helpin', is it?
Norma: See what I mean? See how edgy you are? And you're drinkin' far too much.
Dennis: Just 'cos I've ordered a brandy?
Norma: It's got nothin' to do with that. I'm talking about the number of empties I have to throw out every single week!
Dennis: Look, let's not have another row, eh, Norma? Look, at least the job I've got now suits me fine. I'm doin' what I know, what I'm best at. I've got a team of lads who are doin' a hard day's graft, six days a week, so there's no problems, okay? [Norma shrugs.] Let's see the sweet trolley, yeah? [Sees Oz enter the bar] Oh, Christ.
Norma: Who is it?
Dennis: Problems.
Oz: [Noticing Dennis and Norma] Whoa! How, Den!
Dennis: How, Oz.
Oz: [To Norma] Hello, Norma. Again. [They shake hands]
Norma: Hello, pet.
Oz: Alreet? [Looks around the restaurant] Right canny place though, but, isn'it? Nice nosh?
Norma: Yeah, it's lovely.
Oz: Aye. Bet it is. [The waitress brings the sweet trolley] Oh, strawberries! [Picks a strawberry from the trolley]
Dennis: Are y'all here?
Oz: Aye. [Throws a strawberry into the air and catches it in his mouth.] We're in the back bar, we've been scouring for action.
Norma: Did you find anything?
Oz: What? Roond here? You must be joking! More chance of findin' a nun in a knocking shop.
Maitre D: [Approaching the table] Excuse me, sir? Is this gentleman joining you?
Dennis: Er, no. No.
Oz: Oh, right, right. Got yer, got yer. [Grabs a few strawberries] Well, look, if yer fancy a snack lifter, we're in the back bar when you finish. [Stuffs a strawberry into his mouth] Nice to see you again. Ta-ra.
Norma: Ta-ra, pet. [Oz leaves for the public bar. The waitress pushes the sweet trolley towards the table.]
Dennis: What do you fancy?
Norma: [Examining the trolley closer] I think I'll have the creme caramel, please. [The waitress gets a creme caramel and puts the dish on top of a plate]
Waitress: Do you want cream, madam?
Norma: Oh no, I'd better not. [The waitress places the creme caramel in front of Norma.]
Dennis: Nothing for me, thanks. Can I have that brandy, please?
Waitress: Oh. Yes, sir.
Dennis: A large one. [The waitress leaves with the sweet trolley.]
Norma: [While tucking into her creme caramel] When I was in the video shop, I talked to Audie Charles.
Dennis: Aye?
Norma: Seems she'd been chatting to this woman, and your name came up in the conversation. This woman said that you owe Ally Fraser money.
Dennis: What? Who? Which woman?
Norma: Look, I don't know who it was, man. It was a friend of Audie's. The point is, is it true? Is that why he's got such a hold over you?
Dennis: He hasn't got any sort of hold over me! Look, the reason I work for Ally Fraser is 'cos he trusts me. He's surrounded by so many arselickers, they'd be pished for an answer if he said hello!
Norma: Dennis! Do you mind?
Dennis: Look, in case you haven't noticed, Norma, you can't be too choosy about the work you do anymore, especially up our way! [The waitress brings Dennis a brandy.] Thank you.
Norma: Look, man. It's not that I'm trying to get at yer. I'm just concerned about your state of mind. [As Dennis takes a drink of his brandy] I'm concerned about your health.
Dennis: [Puts his glass down] Well, don't be.

[Meanwhile in the public bar...]

Oz: [Making his way through the crowd] Chuck the drinks o'er, Bomb.
Bomber: Here y'are.
Wayne: [Approaching a couple sat at a table] Evening. You from 'round here, are ya?
Male Patron: Yes.
Wayne: Well, what do you do when the pubs shut?
Male Patron: I go home.
Wayne: Oh, so it's all 'round to your place, is it? Here, Bomb, we'll bring a bottle, eh? [Chuckles] No, no. What I mean is, erm, are there any clubs or anything to go to?
Female Patron: You mean a disco?
Wayne: Well, I don't mean a rugby club, do I, love?
Female Patron: [Sighs] You'd have to go into Chesterfield.
Wayne: That's a bit of a schlep, ain't it? We'd get so pie-eyed, we'd either end up in a ditch, or being breathalysed, eh?
Barry: Nice place, tihs, innit? Very attractive. Very, er... very upmarket clientele, innit?
Neville: They don't seem to enthralled to see us.
Barry: Ah, that's because we're townies, innit, Nev?
Neville: It's more than that, Barry, man. It's another country 'round here. I tell you what it is, I feel more a foreigner here than I did in Germany.
Barry: You're... You're very conscious of your working class origins, you are, Nev. I've noticed that about you.
Neville: You're working class.
Barry: Oh, yeah, yeah, but I've always been a very good mixer socially, y'see, because I refuse to conform to the rigid rules that society imposes, y'see. I refuse... I refuse to acknowledge class barriers. That's the tragedy of this country, Nev, y'know, the bloody polarisation of the classes. That's why I joined the SDP, you know, mate. It's the party of the future, that is, mate, yeah. Where the old class warfare will be... will be meaningless! You know, sometimes, if you ever really consider that, erm... [Notices an older male patron glaring down at him] ...about... the things that, erm... Good evening.
Treadaway: Do you realise you're sitting on my stool?
Barry: Sorry?
Treadaway: You're sitting on my stool! I've just been away for five minutes. That's my gin and tonic on the bar.
Neville: That's all right, he hasn't drunk it.
Oz: [Approaching with Bomber] What's the beef 'ere?
Barry: It's all right, mate. No problem, I just sat on this gentleman's stool.
Barman: Is anything wrong, Mr. Treadaway?
Treadaway: Chap sitting on my stool!
Oz: What you talkin' aboot, your stool? [Barry tries to stop Oz from escalating things further, but no such luck...] No, hold on, hold on, are you tryin' to tell us that you bring that stool out when you come for a drink, like? Eh? You get to the door with yer stool under yer arm, and you say, "I'm just goin' over the pub, pet, for a pint with me stool." Eh? [The other lads giggle]
Treadaway: [Furious] Who are you?
Oz: Who am I? My name's Osbourne. What for, like?
Treadaway: I shall report you!
Wayne: You'll lose a bit of face if you do that, mate, 'cos that'll make you a stool pigeon. [They all laugh. Wayne sings] Stool pigeon!
Male Patron: Somebody should throw those people out!
Bomber: Oh yes? Like who? [Stands in front of the male patron, flanked by Oz]
Oz: [Posh accent] Oh, would you like another drink, Mr. Busbridge?
Bomber: What a good idea, Mr. Osbourne.
Oz: [Posh accent] Oh righty-ho, then. [Normal accent] Here y'are, chuck. What is it?
Bomber: Large Smirnoff.
Oz: [To the barman] Large Smirnoff in there, son, and I'll, er, have a large Glenfiddich with a nice big chunk o'ice floatin' in it.
Barman: Sorry, it's time.
Oz: It's time? She's still servin' up there.
Barman: They're residents.
Oz: Well, that's alreet, me mate's a resident, Mr. Patterson He's havin' a scran next door in the restaurant.
Neville: Ah, divvn't bother, Dennis, Oz, man.
Oz: I'm not ganna bother 'im. We can just put it on his slate and we can give 'im it back in the morning.
Barman: Sorry. [Raises his eyebrows.]
Barry: Well, we don't we just have a last one back at the Barley Mow?
Treadaway: [Sternly] Yes. Why don't you do that?
Oz: Oh, you're still here, are yer?

[Dennis and Norma finish their meal and are about to retire to their rooms.]

Maitre D: Everything all right, sir?
Dennis: Yeah. Fine, thank you. Smashing. Good night.
Maitre D: Good night, sir.

[Dennis and Norma enter the reception...]

Oz: All right, all right, man! [The lads leave the bar. Oz turns back to address the patrons] We're going now, alreet? We'll not be comin' back neither! Yer kna, where I come from, people are hospitable towards strangers, but you lot? You've made us aboot as welcome as a fart in an astronaut's suit!

[The following day, the lads go off separately. Wayne and Bomber stay at The Barley Mow...]

Bomber: [As Carol brings him a mug of tea] Thank you, my dear. Service with a smile. Makes a change 'round here.
Carol: Father's hopeless. And he wonders why the place is always empty!
Wayne: [Entering the bar] Morning, Bomb.
Bomber: Mornin'.
Wayne: [To Carol] Hello, love.
Carol: Someone looks like they had a good night last night.
Wayne: [Stretching his arms] Yeah. We emptied six pubs.
Bomber: We've had more exciting evenings.
Wayne: That game of skittles we had in The Green Dragon was a blinder, though, wasn't it? Right cliffhanger.
Carol: D'you want a cup of tea?
Wayne: Yeah, that'd be magic, love. [Carol goes into the back] 'Ere, this place is on the old up-and-up, eh? We'll be havin' Bunny Girls next.
Carol: [Returning with a mug for Wayne, she pours tea into it] It's only for the day. Dad's gone into Sheffield, so I said I'd look after the place.
Wayne: I'll give you a hand if you want, love. I can pull pints. [Carol smiles as she goes into the back]
Bomber: [Looks disappovingly at Wayne] That's not what you want to pull.

[Neville does a bit of work on the site for local landowner Sir James. They clear a stable of junk...]

Sir James: So many of these houses have these old stables and barns. They just stand around doing nothing except decay. [Points to the barn] So I thought I'd utilise this. Make a games room for the kids and an office for myself. The sort of thing one's always planning to do but never has the money or the time to get around to it.
Neville: Oh, aye. I know what you mean. I've been promising to retile our bathroom for the last two years! [They chuckle]
Sir James: [as they walk to an old barn on the property] What do you think, Neville? Would it cost an absolute fortune?
Neville: I wouldn't have thought so. You'll have to run cable in, like. [Sir James nods] The roof's not bad. Let's have a look. Might need a bit of insulation...

[Oz and Barry go tickling trout...]

Barry: [Talking to a couple of trout Oz caught] Hello. Hello! Hee-hee! [Notices a man running towards them in the distance] Oh, look. There's somebody coming.
Oz: Where?
Barry: Over there, look. He's heading this way. [The man waves angrily at them. Barry waves back oblivious. Oz dashes out of the river.] He's waving at us. Hello!
Oz: Get your jacket on.
Barry: Eh?
Oz: Get yer jacket on, man! [Sticks the trout into his coat pockets]
Barry: What's the rush all of a sudden? I wanna have a go meself.
Oz: He might be a bloody gamekeeper.
Barry: [Spluttering] G...Gamekeeper? Are you tryin' to tell me this is illegal or something?
Oz: [Grabbing his boots] Well, of course! Poaching's not legal, is it?
Barry: Poaching?! Wait... [Grabs his jacket and runs after Oz] You never told me about bloody poaching!
Oz: Well you don't think this place is open to the public, do yer? People pay a fortune for a rod of river, man.
Barry: [Panicking] Well, how serious is it, then?
Oz: [As he gets into Barry's van] Well, let's put it this way - if they catch wor, I don't think we'll make the Crown Court.
Barry: [Getting into the driver's seat] You might have bloody said so! [They drive away before the gamekeeper can catch them.]

[Back at The Barley Mow, Bomber is on the fruit machine. Wayne and Carol flirt with each other, before Carol disappears upstairs...]

Wayne: Er, Bomb?
Bomber: What?
Wayne: Time, gentlemen, please.
Bomber: What are you talking about? It's only ten to.
Wayne: Oh, use your savvy.
Bomber: [Approaching Wayne] You never give it a rest, do you, Wayne?
Wayne: Be a mate, Bomb.
Bomber: And what am I supposed to do?
Wayne: Well... You could get something to eat.
Bomber: I've eaten. I went down the caff at half eleven.
Wayne: If I gave you a couple of quid, you could go to the picture.
Bomber: There's not a cinema within miles.
Wayne: The ultimate gesture, Bomb. The keys to me car. Now, apparently, there's this lovely waterfall down the road, very picturesque it is. [Bomber reluctantly takes Wayne's car keys and leaves the pub. Wayne turns the clock to half past two and calls out to the only other person in the bar, an elderly gentleman] Er, excuse me, sir? [He points to the clock, and the gentleman quickly finishes his pint.]

[At The Cross Keys, Dennis and Norma consult an Egon Ronay Guide...]

Dennis: [Points to a page] This one sounds all right, The Pheasant at Ilworth. [Reads from the book] "This old coaching inn has been lovingly restored by Trevor Beaumont, while his partner Nigel Fox runs the kitchen. Local produce, market-fresh vegetables. Among their specialties, we particularly recommend rack of lamb and fresh local trout."
Norma: Oh, that sounds good, Den.
Dennis: Aye. Give that a go later on, eh?
Norma: Definitely, yes.
Dennis: Right, er... I'd better book. [Closes the guide and gets up to go to the phone when Bomber walks in] Hello, Bomber.
Bomber: Dennis!
Dennis: What're ya up to?
Bomber: Well, I've been driving 'round the countryside, and I picked up a hitchhiker. [Stands aside to reveal Moxey behind him.]
Dennis: Moxey!
Moxey: Hello, Den.
Dennis: Er, I don't think you've met me sister. Norma, this is Moxey and Bomber.
Norma: Hello.
Dennis: Erm... [Takes Moxey and Bomber aside] everything all right, is it?
Moxey: Er, yeah, yeah. Er, I had to go down to London, y'know, to sort a few things out, like. But I got me cards, so there should be no more problems in that department.
Dennis: Oh, champion, 'cos the architect tells me we'll be back at work on Monday with a bit of luck, like. So you've timed that rather well, Moxey.
Moxey: [Hushed] Er, Den?
Dennis: Yeah?
Moxey: It's not Moxey any more.
Dennis: What?
Moxey: No. It's, er, Brendan Mulachy.
Dennis: Brendan what?
Moxey: Mulachy.
Norma: Dennis, shall I order some more tea for everybody?
Dennis: Er... I tink it's about time for a drink, isn'it, lads?
Bomber: I wouldn't say no to that.
Dennis: Aye, why not? Come on, let's have a drink. Things seem to be shapin' up for once.
Waitress: [Emerging from the door] Mr. Patterson, could you come to the phone, please?
Dennis: Yeah?
Waitress: It's the police. A couple of your lads have been arrested.

[At the police station, Oz and Barry are in custody for poaching. Sir James and Neville enter the station, where Jessup the gamekeeper is with the desk sergeant.]

Jessup: Good afternoon, Sir James. I'm sorry about this.
Sir James: [Looking into the holding room, as does Neville] Are those the chaps?
Jessup: Yes, sir. I caught them red-handed.
Sir James: Oh, dear. [Turns to the desk sergeant] So, what do I do?
Neville: Excuse me, Sir James? Could I have a word with you, please?
Sir James: Of course, Neville.
Neville: No, no, I mean in private, like.

[Neville and Sir James go outside]

Neville: Those two poachers... they're my workmates.
Sir James: Really?
Neville: I'm sure they wouldn't have known what they were doin'. I mean, they wouldn't have known it was your property.
Sir James: I suppose not.
Neville: See, we're townies, aren't we?
Sir James: I suppose so. The thing is, they [The locals] take a dim view of that kind of thing, and being the landownder, I'm supposed to set an example.
Neville: Well... they could make amends.
Sir James: How?
Neville: Well, instead of paying the fine, maybe they could help me fix your barn.
Sir James: Well, it does seem a lot of fuss about nothing, and Celestia and I could have that trout for supper.

[Dennis arrives in Wayne's car with Bomber and Moxey. Dennis and Bomber get out.]

Bomber: Hi, Neville.
Dennis: What's happenin', Nev?
Neville: It's all right, Dennis. Sir James and I have fixed everything.

[The charges dropped, the lads come back from town to find Wayne sat in the car park of The Barley Mow with all their bags]

Wayne: Where have you lot been? I'm bloody freezing!
Dennis: Never mind that! What's happening here?
Wayne: Well, Arthur's chucked us out, hasn't he?
Oz: Wha? He cannae dae that, man!
Wayne: Well he can, it's his pub and he's done it, hasn't he?
Bomber: Gotta have a reason, though.
Wayne: Well he's always been a bit iffy about us being here, ain't he?
Neville: We're paying customers now though.
Wayne: But we do make a lot of noise and some of us occasionally go over the top.
Oz: Well, maybes... maybes once.
Wayne: But you did kick in his jukebox, didn't you and he weren't too happy about that, was he?
Oz: Aww, I might have known it'd be down tae me again as usual!
Wayne: [Gets up] Come on, let's load up, eh?
Barry: Hold on a tick, I'm not taking this lying down!
Moxey: It's got nothin' to do with me, I never stayed there once!
Dennis: [To Wayne] Oi, oi, come here a minute! Look, if he's turfing the whole six of you lot out, you must have put up some sort of black! What have you been up to, eh?
Wayne: Well... I suppose him finding me in bed with his daughter had something to do with it.
[Furious, the lads chase Wayne into the back car park]

A Home From Home[edit]

[After being thrown out of The Barley Mow, the lads try to find alternate accomodation. Oz tries one B&B, but is unsuccessful.]

Oz: [To Moxey] Nae room at the inn... again. Same auld story - sudden party of travelling salesmen booked in this afternoon, yer kna what I mean?

[Barry tries another B&B but is equally unsuccesful.]

Neville: Any joy, Barry?
Barry: That's difficult to say really, Neville. It's strictly no overalls, no muddy boots, no alcohol and lights out by 10:30!
Neville: Could be worse.
Barry: It is - they've only got double beds, and one of us'll have to sleep with Oz!

[Around sunset, Oz and Moxey meet on the roadside with Barry and Neville.]

Barry: What's the score?
Moxey: Five knockbacks. Everywhere we've tried had a sudden spate of bookings!
Oz: Yeah, it's obvious the ol' Pringle's been on the blower. Looks like we've been blacklisted by the entire Licensed Victualler's Association of North Derbyshire!
Neville: Ah, we've not done much better.
Oz: Yeah?
Neville: The places we've tried aren't exactly geared to the needs of the working man.
Barry: Well... spa country this, ain't it, Nev, eh? Gentility rules.
Moxey: So, what do we do now?
Barry: Well, as Contingency Plans A and B seem to have failed, I suggest we try Contingency Plan D.
Oz: Which is what?
Barry: Find somewhere in Chesterfield.
Oz: Chesterfield?! That's ganna mean a fifty mile round trip! Look, man, we're ganna be wrecked before we even get to work, which means we're ganna be more wrecked before we get on the drink!
Barry: Which leaves Contingency Plan E.
Moxey: What's that?
Oz: Which is what?
Barry: Move into the house itself.
Oz: Aww, I divvn't know about that!
Barry: It gets my vote, fellas! Listen, listen, it's cheap, right, it's big, and we'll have it all to ourselves, right.
Moxey: Yeah, right! It gets my vote an' all! I stayed in the pantry one night and survived!
Neville: Yeah, only just.
Oz: Ah, it's pretty crusty though, isn'it, eh? It's in a hell of a state. Partly due to the fact that we've been knocking seven colours out of it, like. I mean, even the rats have pissed off!
Barry: Look, um... I said we'd give Dennis a ring before eight. See what he says, eh?
Oz: Aye, leave it to the leader.

[Barry goes to the phone box to ring Dennis at The Cross Keys, where he is waiting with Bomber and Wayne.]

Dennis: [On the phone to Barry] Yeah. Okay. Alright, thanks, thanks a lot. [Puts the phone down and speaks to Bomber and Wayne.] They've drawn a blank, so it looks like a move into the manor for the moment. Sorry, Bomber.
Bomber: It's not your fault, Dennis. You're only the gaffer on site. You can't be responsible for any irresponsible act of any daft bugger outside of work.
Dennis: Right, come on. [Dennis and Bomber leave, leaving Wayne to carry his and Bomber's bags out.]

[At the Manor, Bomber finds a room for the lads to sleep in. He finds a rug in another room and takes it through to the room where Wayne is sweeping the floor.]

Bomber: I found this, Wayne. Should take the chill off the room.
Wayne: You'd need a bloody blowlamp to take the chill out of the atmosphere, though, wouldn't you?
Bomber: [Setting the rug down] 'Tis true you wouldn't win any popularity contest at the moment.
Wayne: [Moving a chair and some throws] Look, if I'd known old Arthur was going to reach that badly, I'd have thought twice about strumpin' his daughter, wouldn't I?
Bomber: Yes, and having had those thought, you'd still have gone and done it. [Starts laying the rug as Wayne sweeps the debris from its path] Knob law, that's what you're ruled by, Wayne. As soon as there's a fire in your loins, there's a freeze-up in your brain.
Wayne: Yeah, but normally it's only me that suffers, ain't it? Grazed knee from shinning a few drainpipes, the odd pulled muscle from doin' it to the old Bolero at 45 instead of 33. [Bomber looks up, still mad at Wayne] Yeah... Look, I might have dropped me mates in it 'cos I couldn't say no to an afternoon of passion, but she wasn't 'alf worth it.
Bomber: Well that's some consolation to us, Wayne(!) [Gets up] Right... while you finish your jankers, I'll have a scout around, see if I can't find some mattreses and cushions. [Leaves the room...then pokes his head around the door] You'd better decide which one of the twenty-two bedrooms you're gonna lock yourself in!

[Barry and Neville enter the room. Bomber has lit a fire and found some pillows and sheets and laid them on the rug... Except for Wayne's, which is on the hard floor.]

Barry: Ah, yes, yes. That's better, innit? At least one room's habitable. Yeah. Y'know, I could see us settling in here, what with the idyllic country view, the flickering glow from the fireside... elegant room... Do y'know, this could be... this could be Brideshead Revisited.
Neville: Reminds me more of Gateshead Revisited. All it needs is a tin bath in the hearth.
Barry: Ah, never mind, Nev. Here, look, we'll get some sleeping bags in Asda tomorrow. Y'know, that's fantastic...
Wayne: Yeah, you're right, actually...
Barry: [Angry] Who asked for your opinions, dickbrain?
Neville: We could do with a rest from you, Wayne! Okay?
Wayne: All right, fine, fine. Look, I've tried to say I'm sorry, but I can't do much more, can I?
Neville: No, but don't go expecting instant forgiveness, all right?
Bomber: It's all right. I told him - a few days in the doghouse, and if he keeps his nose clean and stays out of trouble, he might get some remission.
Wayne: Yeah, but I mean, Barry sort of likes it here, don't he, so I'm doin' him a favour, ain't I?
Bomber: Wayne...
Wayne: ...Yeah, all right. Shtum.

[Oz, Dennis and Moxey enter.]

Dennis: Er, right, lads. Can I just have a minute?
Oz: Have as long as you want, Dennis. We're not goin' anywhere, are we? [Glances at Wayne as he walks past. Moxey hands some beers out.]
Dennis: Now, then, er... [Moxey gives a beer to Dennis] Thanks. Considering the short notice in which our previous tenancy agreement was terminated... [Also briefly glances at Wayne] lads haven't done too bad to get this place habitable. [Oz puts up a picture of Arthur Scargill.] I mean, er, I kna it's not perfect by any means, but at least it's a roof over your heads. Now, as far as work's concerned, we've had clearance to start again, but, er, depending on what Ally Fraser has in mind for the place, we have to wait for the architect to come up with the new plans. So, in the meantime, if Bomber and Oz, if you concentrate on the cellar.
Oz: Right.
Dennis: Erm... Moxey, Wayne, make good the panelling and the plastering that's been ripped away. You can start on the electrical work, Barry. Neville, stop in the kitchen. [Moxey taps Dennis's shoulder] What's the matter, Moxey, man? [Moxey whispers to Dennis.] Oh, aye. We've got this, er... new bloke working for wor now. You tell 'em, Moxey.
Moxey: Yeah. Well, er, as some of you already know, I've got a new identity. So as far as officialdom's concerned, I'm now Brendan Mulachy.
Oz: Oh, what! [The others laugh]
Moxey: So it'd help, like, if you started callin' us Brendan so as I can get used to it...
Neville: [Laughing] It's gonna take a while.
Moxey: Yeah, will you call us by me new name, but then all of a sudden, out of the blue, like, call us by the old one, y'know, just to test me reflexes.
Dennis: I didn't kna you had any, Moxey! Oh, sorry... Brendan.
Wayne: Hey, what I don't understand...
Oz: Shut yer gob, you!
Neville: Who asked you?
Dennis: Right, lads, er, I've got to leave this happy band, and er, get back to Cross Keys, all right?
Oz: [Putting up a Page 3 picture next to Scargill] Oh, aye. It's alreet for some, innit?
Dennis: Look, it's only for one night, Oz, man. I'll be back in with you lot tomorrow.
Oz: Oh, not now you're a gaffer you'll not, will yer?
Dennis: What?
Oz: I said... that... even though we're sleepin' on the site now, we'll want travelling time, alreet? You can tell Ally Fraser that.
Dennis: Oh, aye? And what if he wants to start charging you rent for livin' on his property? [Oz, speechless, turns his attention back to his posters] Right. Oh, aye. here. [Throws the keys to his van to Neville] I'd better take your car, Wayne, because you lads'll need the van to gan shopping.
Wayne: Nah, hang on...
Dennis: Right, come on. [Wayne hands Dennis his car keys.] Right. I'll be over tomorrow afternoon, after I've seen the architect, all right? Sleep well!
Oz: Oh, aye(!)
Dennis: [About Wayne] Hey, hey. Divvn't be too hard on him, man. I mean, just imagine - if it wasn't for him now, you'd be stuck in The Barley Mow with Arthur Pringle, starin' down his miserable gob. [Leaves the room]
Oz: Aye. Drinkin' freezin' cold pints of bitter, havin a game of fives and threes, listenin' to his jukebox and eatin' his nice, fresh sandwiches, eh(?) Well done, London! [Throws his beer can at Wayne, it just misses his head!]
Moxey: [Getting up] Yeah, well, I think I'll go down the galley, get a brew on.
Barry: Er, Brendan? [Moxey doesn't react as he leaves the room. Barry, Neville and Bomber laugh]
Neville: Somethin' tells me it's ganna be a struggle for him!

[Oz, Moxey, Barry and Neville go to Asda for supplies. They park up...]

Barry: [As he and Neville get out of his van, and Oz and Moxey get out of the campervan] Right. I think the most efficient thing to do would be to split up into two groups of two, right? [Taking the shopping list out of his pocket] Then one half could take one half of the list, the other the other, and one can read out while the other gets the stuff off the shelves.
Oz: Time and motion man in the making(!) Here, give us this. [Takes the list from Barry and glances at it] Right... [Tears off a small part at the bottom] Me and Moxey'll get the beer and the bog rool. Youse two can get the rest.
Neville: I think Barry had a slightly more even division of labour in mind, Oz.
Oz: Did he? Oh well, tough shit. He's lucky to get me along on this trip at all! I never thought I'd see the day I was poncing aboot in supermarkets!

[Barry and Neville get the groceries...]

Barry: I've gotta say, Neville, wait 'til we have sleeping bags organised and a proper roster for the kitchen... [Chuckles]'ll be just like Germany again.
Neville: Aye, that's what I'm afraid of.
Barry: [As Neville gets some butter and places it in the trolley] Nev, look, whatever deprivations we suffered there, and maybe about to suffer again here, there's no denying that sense of communal spirit, is there? [Neville gets some lard] Ah, yes... bacon. Yes, rindless... best back'd be favourite, judging by this morning.
Neville: We've all move on from there though, haven't we? At least, we're supposed to have done. It's just another depressing indication of our lack of upward mobility that we're still roughin' it, country house or no. Smoked or unsmoked?
Barry: Erm... get three of each, save arguments. I think I'm tryin' to draw a distinction between quality of life and spiritual progress.
Neville: Howay, let's get some Wonderloaf to gan with this bacon.
Barry: Ah, ha, ha, let's get some flour and yeast to go with this bacon.
Neville: I'd just as soon have bread, Barry.
Barry: You will have. I bake me own now. Aye. When Hazel and me were betrothed, I took cookery lessons. See, it was very important not to fall into stereotype roles vis-a-vis domestic chores. Anyway, one of the things they taught me was how to make me own bread. And d'you know something, Neville? When they brought my little brown cob out of the oven, hand-baked by me, I... I nearly cried. Y'know, now I think I know how woman must feel when they give birth. [An older lady goes by, leaving Neville looking slightly embarrassed.]

[Oz and Moxey go for the beer, with a trolley already half-full.]

Oz: Thirsty work, this lot, eh? [Takes a can from the trolley and opens it]
Moxey: Aye, yeah.
Oz: I tell yer, what, I'll be even thirstier when I've strung Wayne up by the bollocks for this latest indiscretion!
Moxey: Yeah, it was bloody thoughtless. Even for him.
Oz: [Gets to the beer aisle and starts piling the trolley with even more beer] The man's got nae sense of moderation, Moxey man, has he? Enough is never enough.
Moxey: Er, Oz?
Oz: What?
Moxey: D'you think you could stop callin' us Moxey? I'm Brendan Mulcahy now.
Oz: Is that the best ye could get? Brendan... Mulcackey? I mean, Moxey's alreet. I can get away with that, 'cos it rhymes with poxy. That's nae bother, but... I cannae see you as a Brendan, really, let alone a Mulcackey.
Moxey: Yeah, well, I'm stuck with it now, aren't I? It's either a Mick name or a life of constant anxiety waitin' for a gloved hand on me shoulder.
Oz: Hold on a minute... [Heads down the aisle and round the corner... and emerges behind Moxey with a four-pack of Guinness. Irish accent] Fancy a pint o'Guinness, Brendan? [Laughs as he nudges Moxey and throws the cans into the trolley.]

[The lads return to the Manor with the shopping.]

Barry: [As Neville opens the back doors of the van] Listen... as we've got so much on board, right, I suggest we form a human chain between here and the kitchen, right?
Oz: Where are you gonna fit into that?
Barry: All I'm tryin' to do, Oz, is to maximise efficiency and minimise effort, right? So, if you and Moxey help us with the groceries, Neville and I will reciprocate by helping you with the beer.
Neville: I don't think Oz understands the concept of timesaving, Barry. It's too many years of bein' paid by the hour. [Barry laughs]
Oz: Excuse me! Excuse me, but we just happen to be one jump ahead of you two duck eggs. [Opens the side door of the camper van to reveal they brought the shopping trolley full of beer and toilet roll with them.]
Moxey: Smarter than the average bear, we are!
Oz: Slightly. After you.
Moxey: Okay... [They lift the trolley out, then go into the Manor, whistling the tune from the Asda ads, complete with Moxey tapping his trouser pocket twice.]
Barry: How can those two be so smart to think so laterally? [Frustrated, Neville hands the box of groceries he's been holding this entire time over to Barry.]

[Lunch break. The lads congregate in the back. Wayne sits on his own away from the others. Moxey brings out of a tub of sandwiches]

Oz: Mind that snake there, Moxey.
Moxey: Where? Where?! [Drops the sandwiches onto the ground.]
Oz: Ho-ho! So much for special undercover agent Mulcackey, eh? Falls at the first fence, doesn't he?
Moxey: [Picking up the sandwiches] It was hardly a fair test, Oz! Anyone would react to a snake warning, no matter what his name was.
Neville: Ah, it's only what the police'll do, though, Brendan. You can't expect them to write you a letter tellin' you when they're comin' to see you.
Moxey: I know, I know. I'll just have to concentrate a lot harder. Anyone want a butty? These are ham. [Bomber grabs one.]
Barry: I'll have cheese and chutney. [Neville grabs one of the sandwiches on the chair. Wayne come up to get a sandwich from Moxey, who turns away from Wayne.]
Neville: [Grabbing the last sandwich from the tub] Not you! [Wayne turns to the chair.]
Barry: [Grabbing a sandwich from the chair] Thank you!
Wayne: [Taking the last sandwich from the chair] Oh, I see. Gonna be like that, is it, eh?
Bomber: Sorry, Wayne. You can't expect any consideration from us when you show none in return!
Barry: Who is this Brendan... Mulcahy anyway?
Moxey: It's Mulachy, Barry.
Barry: No, it's not. It's Mulcahy. It's the name on the papers.
Moxey: Yeah, I know. I can't pronounce that, though.
Barry: What's the point of havin' it as a false name, then?
Moxey: I didn't have any choice in the matter, y'know. I didn't go to Rent-a-Name. It was an alehouse in Kilburn. I could hardly call meself F-F-Fitzherbert C-Carruthers!
Barry: Well, it's just as well. You can't pronounce that either, can you? Who is Brendan Mulcahy anyway? I mean, does he exist, or is he just a creation?
Oz: He's probably a dead man.
Wayne: And I know how he feels.
Oz: See, what happens is, one Mick snuffs it over there in potato land, an' his family flog his passport an' that to another Mick so he can come over here an' work, y'know.
Bomber: That's not all he might get up to either.
Neville: What? D'you mean the IRA, Bomber?
Oz: IRA bomber's right. You might find the anti-terrorist squad on yer tail, Brendan, as well as yer ordinary plods!
Moxey: You're really reassuring you are, Oz(!)

[Dennis tries to get Oz, Moxey and Bomber into The Barley Mow]

Pringle: [Upon seeing Dennis] Thirty seconds to get out or I'll call the police!
Dennis: Arthur! Arthur, hear me out please, will yer? Look, Arthur, I know the behaviour of one of our group has caused you much heartache, and believe you and me, we feel exactly the same about him as you do. I mean, that's why we've disciplined him ourselves in a way you would have approved of.
Pringle: Castration?
Dennis: Of the social kind, Arthur, yes. He's, er, he's confined to base, he's in the glass house as you brave fighter pilots might say.
Pringle: That still leaves the rest of you to make mayhem.
Dennis: Oh, come on, Arthur, I'm a respectable married man. I mean outside in my van I've got three other men who've done a hard day's graft and simply want a quiet pint and an evening's conversation at your fireside as a reward. I mean they're not rapists, or thieves, vagabonds...
Oz: [Shouting from outside] HAS THAT BASTARD GIVEN IN YET, DENNIS? [Dennis realises that they won't get anywhere with Pringle now, so he leaves]

Barry: Moxey... I've just seen a ghost.
Moxey: Brendan! I've just seen a ghost, BRENDAN!

[At the villa, Fraser and Vicky play chess on the patio...]

Vicky: Did y'ever see The Thomas Crown Affair?
Fraser: ...Nah, I never went to rock concerts, Vicky, I was busy working.
Vicky: Man, it was a film! An' in it, Steve McQueen an' Faye Dunaway seduced each other across the chessboard. [Ally doesn't react] Well, it was a very sexy scene.
Fraser: Really? I imagine you might find that a wee bit uncomfortable, all these bits stickin' into yer bum! [The phone rings. Fraser goes to answer it.]
Vicky: Will yer make a move now? Otherwise I'm gonna be here all day! [Fraser moves a Pawn one space forward and heads to the phone] Oh, live dangerously, why don't yer(?)
Fraser: [Answering the phone. It's Howard Radcliff, the architect working on Thornely Manor] Yes? Oh, good morning, Howard, yes. How are ya?
Howard: [From his new office in a town near to the manor] I'm extremely well, Ally, thank you. I just thought I'd let you know that our planning application's in, and that my personal contact on the council says there'll be no trouble.
Fraser: Good, I'm very pleased to hear that.
Howard: My new drawings are also coming along nicely.
Fraser: Good.
Howard: I just thought now would be an opportune time to discuss the costing of the materials. I've drawn up three different budges for fitting the surfaces and other interior details.
Fraser: And, er... how are they running at?
Howard: At £22,000, £48,000, and top of the range, £65,000.
Fraser: [As Vicky's Bishop takes one of his Pawns] ...Aye, well, I think, Howard, in view of the revised nature of the premises, er... I think it would be a wee bit of a pity to waste all your fancy-dan trappings on people with one foot in the grave. I think we should err on the side of caution, don't you, Howard?
Howard: As you wish, Ally, but the first figure I quoted is an absolute rock-bottom, using the cheapest materials available.
Fraser: That's all right, I've already laid out enough cash on this project. It's time I started earning a nest egg for my old age. So, I want no corner left uncut, Howard. Do you understand? And you can pass that on to Dennis too.
Howard: Will do. Incidentally, it may interest you to know that he and his lads are currently staying at the house.
Fraser: Ah... Aye, well, don't mention it just yet then, Howard, but sometime in the future it might be wise to broach the little subject of rent with them.
Howard: [Chuckles] I'll get the meters read as well, if you like.
Fraser: I was not joking, Howard!
Howard: Right. Well, I'll get the plans out to you by the weekend, Ally.
Fraser: Lovely. I'll look forward to seeing them then. Okay. Bye for now, then. Bye, Howard. [Puts the phone down and focuses back on the chessboard] My God. If Faye Dunaway played chess like you, she'd be lucky if she got a good night kiss. [Gets up, blows a kiss on his palm, which he rubs on Vicky's cheek]

[Moxey tries to get served in The Barley Mow]

Pringle: Good evening!
Moxey: [Irish accent] Good evenin'.
Pringle: What'll it be?
Moxey: Pint o'bitter, please, in a straight glass.
Pringle: [As he pours the pint] Have you been here before?
Moxey: Ah... I think I was in here one lunchtime, a few weeks ago now.
Pringle: Ah, I thought I recognised you. [Puts the pint on the bar] 87p. [Moxey pays for the pint]
Moxey: Would it be alright, like, if I took some drinks out to my kids?
Pringle: Yes, I think so, provided they bring their glasses back and provided they don't break any.
Moxey: Oh no, no, they're very well behaved.
Pringle: Oh, what'll it be? Orange juice? Coca-Cola?
Moxey: Five pints of bitter. They're growing lads.
Pringle: They must be. Are you Irish by any chance?
Moxey: Yes, I am as a matter of fact. Brendan Mulcahy's the name.
Pringle: Well you can piss off, I don't serve Micks in here. [Moxey leaves and Pringle pours the pint down the sink]

[The lads come back after failing to get into The Barley Mow, they find Wayne watching a television]

Wayne: Alright, lads?
Oz: What's all this?
Wayne: Well, I thought I'd had a night in with the old gogglebox.
Neville: Where'd all this lot come from?
Wayne: I got it, didn't I? It was the least I could do under the circumstances, seeing as I dropped you lot in it.
Dennis: What's the programme, then? [The TV shows Kenny Ames playing golf in the grounds of Thornely Manor]
Wayne: It's one of them tapes Oz and Bomber found. I'm not a conniseur of porn, but this looks like a golf lesson to me.
Oz: Well, fast-forward it a bit. [Wayne does so. No porn, only golf.] Well this is aboot as interestin' as the car park at The Barley Mow, innit, eh?
Wayne: Ere! Hang on! I did take the liberty of renting a tape for the evening. A bit of a culture delight.
Neville: What is it?
Wayne: The Stud. [The lads shout in anticipation as Wayne puts the video in] Thought Joan Collins would go down well. [Unfortunately it's not that film, but a film about a horse]
Barry: I don't remember this bit...
Oz What's this? That's not The Stud, ya duck egg, man! That's Black Beauty! [The lads groan in disappointment]
Dennis: Well, it's an easy enough mistake, I mean they've both got horses in the title, mind.
Bomber: Well, that was a short-lived pleasure.
Wayne: Yeah, no, hang on! Hang on! Got one more left though! Let's see what's on this one... [Puts the tape in... and it's one of Kenny Ames's sex parties at Thornely Manor]
Oz: [Points at the TV] Hey, this is this! This is this room, right here, man! Look! [The camera pans round showing Kenny with some younger girls]
Dennis: Hey, look, it's Kenny Ames! [The lads watch in excitement at the goings-on... then the camera pans round to reveal Arthur Pringle in the arms of a scantily clad younger woman! The lads point and laugh loudly before quietning down so they can hear the TV]
Pee-Wee: I'm Pee-Wee. What's your name?
Pringle: [Aroused] It's... Pringle. Arthur Pringle.
Pee-Wee: Hello, Arthur. And what do you do?
Pringle: I run the... local pub. Kenny Ames invited me here.
Pee-Wee: Oh, are you local? Kenny told us to be nice to you. You do want me to be nice to you, don't you, Arthur?
Pringle: Call me... Call me "Tiger". [The lads laugh uproariously as Pee-Wee gets down and dirty with Pringle]

[The following day, Barry drives the lads drive back down to The Barley Mow]

Dennis: Right lads, come on, let's get in there, we'll sort the bastard out.. Wayne, I think this is your moment, son! Go on, in you go. [Dennis hands Wayne the tape as they enter the pub and go in to the public bar. Pringle sees them and approaches them]
Pringle: I warned you..!
Wayne: [Approaches the bar as the other look on] Before you say anything, Arthur, I want you to know we totally understand. We'd probably have done the same in your position. You know? The wife's done a runner, some topless bit of crumpet's got its legs wrapped right round your neck.
Pringle: Not only are you rubbish, but you talk rubbish as well! I'm going to call the police! [Picks up the phone]
Wayne: I wouldn't do that if I were you, old son. [Produces the tape] They might be interested in seeing this. [Pringle puts the phone down] Remember a little party at Thornely Manor? Kenny Ames and a bird called Pee-Wee, and this bloke with a video camera? Yes. Mr. Arthur "Tiger" Pringle, This Is Your Life! [Puts the tape down on the bar. Pringle tries to snatch the tape away but Wayne's too quick for him! The others hum the This Is Your Life theme]


[Oz is working in the attic. He notices a Range Rover pulling into the drive.]

Oz: [Whistles, then shouts] Dennis!
Dennis: [Appearing from a side room] What?
Oz: Think you've got a visitor there.
Dennis: [Looking out of his window] Aye, it's Howard Radcliff, it's Ally's architect.
Oz: Ah-ha. I might have known it'd be the architect. They're always tovin' aboot in Range Rovers. [Howard leaves his car.]
Dennis: Really? Hadn't noticed
Oz: Why-aye. It's the same as all the Rastas drivin' BMWs, yer kna? 'Cos they think it stands for Bob Marley and the Wailers.
Dennis: Well, why do architects drive them?
Oz: Well, yer kna the difference between a hedgehog and a Range Rover, don't yer?
Dennis: No.
Oz: A hedgehog's got pricks on the ootside.

[In his office, Dennis goes over the itinerary of materials from Howard...]

Dennis: Plastic pipe... plasterboard partition... breezeblocks... chipboard... Every expense spared, eh, Howard(?)
Howard: Sorry, Dennis, but Ally's desperate to get this project finished so he can ream some cash for his Spanish investments.
Dennis: What investments are these?
Howard: I'm sorry, I can't say. But I think you boys are pencilled in as part of them.
Dennis: A by-offer?
Howard: [Chuckles] I don't think he sees it in those terms, largely because he doesn't need to buy you lot off. He pays, you do. That's the relationship, isn'it? Pure and simple.
Dennis: Howard, for an architect, you don't seem to know anything the people in the building trade. I mean my lads are no bunch of Girl Guides, God knows, but they can smell a cowboy job a mile off, man! And if they don't like it it...
Howard: They can piss off and find work somewhere else!
Dennis: No, no. They can create a hell of a lot of trouble for the bloke who's abusin' their skills for a quick profit, especially when it means turnin' an old peoples' home into a cardboard death trap!
Howard: [Takes off his sunglasses] Now, look here, Dennis. I've submitted three separate budgets to Ally for this project. He chose the cheapest one possible because it suited his purposes. It's not for me to make that sort of decision for him. I'm only...
Dennis: [Interrupting] ...Doin' yer job.
Howard: That's right.
Dennis: Howard, listen, man. I've got my reasons for workin' at Ally's orders. Now, I don't like what I'm doin', but I kna exactly why I'm doin' it. Now what's your excuse, son?
Howard: [Scoffs. Incredulously] I don't have to give you any justifications! Now can we get on, please? [Puts his sunglasses back on]

[Dennis goes into town to the builders' merchant...]

Dennis: All right, Jack?
Jack: 'Ey up, Geordie, you back for some more, are we? Must be a right palace you're building out there in the country.
Dennis: Ugh, it's more like a doll's house from now on. Look at that rubbish, man. [Hands over the order from Howard]
Jack: [Going over the order] Oh, aye. Definite downturn in style.
Dennis: Any chance you can get any of that lot up tomorrow?
Jack: Yes, me duck, I think so. Might have trouble stoppin' some of blowin' off the back of the lorry, though. It's not what you'd call substantial, is it?
Dennis: Probably why they call 'em breeze blocks, eh? [Jack chuckles] Oh, hey, we need a plumber for a couple of weeks or so. Er... d'you know any good lads locally?
Jack: Aye. Let me see... [Gets a business card from the pinboard] This bloke from Derby's a top man. Hard grafter, reasonable rates, pleasant disposition.
Dennis: Aye, he sounds ideal.
Jack: [Gestures to the phone] Give him a ring now if you want.
Dennis: Sure it's no bother?
Jack: Not at all. He's me brother-in-law.
Dennis: [Picking up the receiver] Ahh. Nepotism, eh?
Jack: No, just a touch of arthritis.

[At The Barley Mow, at which the lads blackmailed Pringle into letting them drink there again, Wayne and Barry are at the bar.]

Wayne: [Tapping the bar] Another pint here. When you're ready.
Pringle: ...Certainly, sir(!)
Wayne: Now, now, now, Tiger. Don't overdo the sarkiness. [Barry tries to stifle his laughter] Otherwise we'll have a little video showing for the brewery, won't we? Show 'em what their tenants get up to after hours.
Pringle: [Bringing the pint over] Did I ever tell you the time when I was taken prisoner in Malaya?
Barry: No, I don't think so, no.
Pringle: These little gooks with coloured hair put me in a bamboo cage. [Wayne glances briefly at his dyed dark red hair] They abused me with sticks, humiliated me. They thought they were safe, you see, 'cos I was behind bars. Then I was rescued by my pals in the SAS and as a revenge, I strung the little bastards up by the ankles and horsewhipped them! That'll be 87 pence or do you want this one on the house(?)

[Oz and Moxey play darts.]

Oz: [Keeping score as Moxey throws] 21... 399. [Moxey collects his darts from the board, and gives them to Oz] Has he said owt to you yet?
Moxey: Who?
Oz: Happy Harry, man. Pringle.
Moxey: No, nothin' Mind you, I'm not exactly lookin' for conversation.
Oz: [As he throws] I'm just waitin' for one word out of line, me, an' I'll pin his ears to the bloody dartboard with this!

[Neville, Bomber and Dennis sit at a table.]

Bomber: There's still a bit of an atmosphere in here, isn't there?
Neville: Aye. Reminds me of a funeral parlour, Bomber.
Dennis: Ah, come on, Neville. You were moanin' when wor were banned from here. Now yer moanin' 'cos we're back. I mean, just be grateful for small mercies, eh?
Neville: I am. Just find it a bit depressin' to round off me workin' day sittin' in a place where I'm not really welcome.
Bomber: Could be worse for me. I could be goin' home to the wife. [Dennis laughs]
Neville: My wife's not like that, though, Bomber. Always makes us feel welcome when I get back from work. Always got a kiss for us, a cup of tea, talk about what sort of day we've had, play with the bairn for an hour.
Dennis: You homesick, Nev?
Neville: Me? What makes you think that?
Dennis: Look, why don't yer take the weekend off? Go up and see your Brenda.
Neville: Don't think I could afford to lose the money, Den.
Dennis: It's only for one day, we're not workin' on Sunday.
Neville: Could I? [Dennis nods] But... would you not be a man short for Saturday?
Dennis: Nah.
Bomber: I think Den would rather be shorthanded than have you long-faced.
Neville: [Cheered up] Ah. Good lad. [Gets up to go to the bar] My round. [Shouts to Oz and Moxey] What do you want, lads? Same again, is it?
Oz: Aye!
Moxey: Ah, great, yeah.

[As a lorry unloads the building materials, a Nissan Patrol with bull horns on top of the windshield approaches the Manor.]

Harry: [Hanging out of the driver door] Howdy! Is there a Dennis Patterson around?
Dennis: [Approaching] Are you the plumber?
Harry: [Pointing to the decals on his car] Well, that's what it says, yeah.
Dennis: Oh. Hi, I'm Dennis.
Harry: Oh yeah. [Gets out of the car and closes the door] Harry Blackburn. [Shakes hands with Dennis.] I've got all the gear in the back. Er, special discount 'cos it's the brother-in-law, like, y'know.
Dennis: Oh, well every little helps, like.
Harry: Right, er... Where d'you wanna start, then?
Dennis: Well... [Pointing to the lorry] Why don't you give us a hand with this stuff if you don't mind a bit of labourin'.
Harry: Not me, Dennis. Always happy to muck in. [Laughs]
Dennis: Good lad. Well, I tell you what, we'll have a break in a minute an' I'll introduce you to all the lads.
Harry: Yeah. Aye.

[The lads bring the materials in...]

Moxey: Definitely cowboy material, all this, innit? [Bomber nods] Be better off usin' Lego.
Harry: [In another room, singing] I'll keep on workin' / Long as my two hands are fit to use...
Oz: Listen. [Joins in singing with Harry] I drink my beer in the evenin's / Sing a little bit of these workin' man's blues. [Harry enters] Merle Haggard?
Harry: Hey, you're a fan too, are you?
Oz: A fan? [Laughs] Only met the man, like, Merle. In the flesh. And in Nashville.
Harry: Well, bloody hell! Hey... [He shakes hands with Oz] Let me kiss your feet, old mate.
Oz: [Chuckles] A Honky Tonk Night Time Man.
Harry: Ho! If We Make It Through December!
Oz: Ooh!
Harry & Oz: Okie from Muskogee!
Oz: [Sings] They don't smoke marijuana...
Harry: [Joins in] in Muskogee!
Dennis: What's the hold up down there?
Oz: Nah, that's not one of Merle's, Dennis, is it? Sounds more like Johnny Cash.

[The lads break for lunch. Oz grabs half a large pork pie and a jar of picked onions and sits with Harry, who has been going over the photo of Oz with Merle Haggard...]

Oz: [Sitting down] 'Ey, what aboot that, then? Me an' Merle, live in Nashville.
Harry: 'Ey, er... I thought he shaved his beard off a few years ago.
Oz: That's not a beard, man. It's a shadow across his face.
Harry: Oh, yeah.
Oz: [Taking the photo back] ...or maybe it is a beard! I dunno. Canny fella, like. He was very pleased to hear aboot me stint in the Falklands, 'cos he's very patriotic, like.
Harry: A Falklands veteran who's met Merle Haggard? Cor, you're just about the most important person I've ever come across, Oz.
Oz: Well, between ye an' me, like, I didn't get to dae any actual butcherin' out there, yer kna, just civilan work, yer kna. [Picks up his jar, trying to get an onion out] The runway an' that sorta thing.
Harry: Still, it's very impressive, though. 'Ey, er... rough, was it?
Oz: Was nae picnic, son. [Stuffs a pickled onion in his mouth.]
Harry: What was the worst bit? The, er... the cold, or the shortage of women, like?
Oz: Well... they were both bad, like. I think the worst thing of the lot was them bloody Jim Davidson visits!
Harry: [Laughs] No lover of Cockneys, eh?
Oz: Well... [Looks over his shoulder at Wayne] We've got one on the firm, yer kna, but er, very seldom we see eye to eye wi' 'im, like.
Harry: 'Ere, I tell you what, d'you fancy a few drinks an' a bit of a singsong tomorrow night over my way?
Oz: Could dae, aye. Ho, that'd have ta be o'er your way, like. We're barred from all the boozers 'round here, an' the only one we can get in we got by blackmail!
Harry: [Laughs again] 'Ey, I'm gonna enjoy workin' with you lads! [Grabs his beer] Hey, Oz. Cheers. [Raises his beer]
Oz: Cheers. [Harry drinks his beer, while Oz absent-mindedly drinks the vinegar from the pickled onion jar. He coughs and realises what he's done!]

[Harry invites the lads to a Country & Western Night at his local, where Oz sings I Can't Be Myself...]

Bomber: How can someone so ugly make a nice noise like that?
Dennis: [Turning to the lads] Must be miming. Miming, ain't he? [Bomber shakes his head.]
Moxey: What's he called 'imself?
Barry: "Big Willie", weren't it? True an' all, y'know. Shared a shower with him once in Düsseldorf.
Dennis: [Still...] Must be miming!
Harry: Hey, that lad's wasted laying bricks!

[Neville returns to Thornely Manor on Sunday night after spending the weekend back home.]

Neville: Alright, lads?
Bomber: Hello, Neville. Nice weekend?
Neville: Oh, aye. Not bad, thanks. Ate too much, of course!
Oz: [Eating from a tin] Cannae whack the wife's cooking, eh?
Neville: I'll say... [Holding back that he'd made the Sunday lunch] Is Dennis about?
Wayne: Yeah. He's upstairs sulking in the office.
Neville: Sulking?
Oz: Aye. We had a gan at him this afternoon in the bar, y'kna, aboot this job and Ally Fraser an' that. Didn't seem to take it all well, like.
Neville: Anybody fancy a cup of tea? [Everybody shouts except Barry who's been trying to cook a sausage on the fire, only for it to catch fire!] Everybody? Fine.

[Upstairs in the office, Dennis goes over the paperwork. Neville enters with a couple of brews.]

Dennis: Hello, Nev. [Neville puts a mug down on Dennis's desk] Did you have a good time?
Neville: Aye, not bad. Nice dinner with your Norma today.
Dennis: Oh, aye? She all right? [Pours some brandy into the mug.]
Neville: Well... no, she's not all right.
Dennis: Why? What's the matter?
Neville: She's worried. About you and Ally Fraser.
Dennis: Well, I'm hardly having an affair with Ally Fraser, if that's what she thinks...
Neville: No, but you're more than just an employee, aren't ya?
Dennis: What are you getting at, Nev?
Neville: You owing him money.
Dennis: [Getting defensive] Has Audie Charlies been jangling it again, has she? Look, there's nothing in it, Neville, man!
Neville: Isn't there not? It would explain a lot of things, Dennis.
Dennis: Like what?
Neville: You bodging this conversion, for a start. It's not like you to put up with shoddy work, Den. No, unless that's what Fraser wants from you.
Dennis: Neville, in case you hadn't noticed, the construction industry in this country's knackered. We can't be too choosy about the work we do anymore because it might be the last we're ganna get! Look, if I can keep my head about water and feed my kids by skimping on a conversion for Ally Fraser, I'm ganna do that, man. So would you!
Neville: You must owe him an awful lot of money to talk like that, Dennis. [Dennis realises his secret is out.] How much?
Dennis: [Quietly] £6,000. At the last count. And that's not including interest, like.
Neville: Which, knowing Ally Fraser, will be about 50%! Why, Den? For God's sake...
Dennis: You wouldn't understand, Neville, man! Look, you've got a happy marriage. And I've never had one. I mean, yer kna what it was like for me when I came back from Germany, what with Dagmar and... [Sighs] For a while I tried to make things better by throwing money about. I was wrong, wasn't I? By the time I realised I was wrong, it was too late. I'm in a hole now, with Ally Fraser looking down at me.
Neville: Well, why didn't you tell us? We're your mates!
Dennis: It doesn't concern you, Neville, not directly, anyway!
Neville: It does! If we're having to compromise ourselves as well, it does!
Dennis: Neville, man, it's just a piddling little four-week job. If I bring it in on time, into Fraser's meagre budget, I'm in the clear. And if I don't... well... I might just end up in the Tyne with my pockets full of bricks.

[The following morning, Howard arrives at the site to find Dennis filling a wheelbarrow full of bricks.]

Howard: Morning, Dennis!
Dennis: How do! [Howard gets out of his Range Rover with the plans.]
Howard: There's been another slight change in the plans. The kitchens this time.
Dennis: Don't tell me... they only have to be big enough to fit, er, one microwave oven?
Howard: Close, close. Well, let's go and see how far your lads have got, shall we?

[They go through the house to the back garden where the lads, and Harry, are sitting round a fire. They look at Howard accusingly.]

Howard: Ah, morning, fellas. It's a bit early for a tea break, isn't it?
Dennis: Aye. Howay, lads, shape up a bit, eh?
Oz: If ya took them stupid glasses off, Hedgehog, and had a look about you'd see there's nae teacups lying around. That's 'cos it's not a tea break, it's a strike!
Howard: [Incredulously] A strike?!
Bomber: That's right, sunbeam. A strike.
Howard: Ah, well you'd better sort this out with your gaffer.
Neville: No, you sort it out with yours! You tell Ally Fraser nothing gets done here 'til he upgrades his conversion! And, more importantly, he takes the squeeze of Dennis!
Dennis: Look, Neville...
Neville: It's all right, Den, we're all determined about this.
Howard: Hey, now, what's going on here?
Oz: Look, you got the message, didn't you, Hedgehog, eh? Piss off and pass it on to Fraser.
Howard: Right. If that's the way you boys want it. [Howard storms off.]
Dennis: [Knowing Fraser will send his goons down to confront them] Thanks a bunch. [Sits on a broken toilet] Thanks a bunch.
Oz: Nev told wor all about it, yer kna, everything.
Dennis: So I gather.
Bomber: Dennis... it seemed like a choice between doing this job properly or being loyal to you.
Dennis: So, what happened?
Oz: Well, we figured we can do both.

[The lads all gather outside Thornely Manor awating Ally's goons.]

Harry: [Singing] Oh, don't forsake me, oh, my darling / On this our wedding day... [Stops singing and tilts his hat up to see Ally's Jag approaching] I think the boys from the brown stuff have just arrived! [The Jag stops in the grounds. Big Baz and some other goons get out as the lads gather.]
Barry: Er... did I ever tell anyone I was a Quaker?
Big Baz: We've come to persuade you back to work.
Oz: Well, you just failed!
Wayne: I don't suppose we can reason with 'em, eh?
Bomber: I think it's too late for that now. [Barry puts his glasses on.]
Dennis: [On seeing Harry take a large monkey wrench out of his holster] That's what I call a monkey wrench.
Harry: Oh, yeah. I know how to use it, an' all! [Throws it at the goons, it hits the Jag and breaks the windscreen. The goons and the lads rush towards each other.]
Barry: Don't hit me, don't hit me! I'm a bleeder! [The goon grabs Barry. Meanwhile, Bomber grapples with Big Baz.]
Moxey: [With a goon, arm behind his back] Anyone got a match? I'll set fire to this bastard! [The goon uses his other elbow to hit Moxey and punch him to the ground.]
Harry: [On another goon's back] Yeah! The Fightin' Side of Me, Oz. Remember that? It's one of Merle's best! [Oz smashes a chair over another goon's back and knocks him out.]
Dennis: [Gets on another goon's back. To Neville] Get him! Go on, hit him! [Neville starts punching at the goon's torso. Barry faints.]
Bomber: [To Big Baz] If you fights dirty, I can get angry! [Grabs Big Baz and punches him in the face. Barry wakes up and runs away. Oz jumps on top of the Jag and leaps on Barry's pursuer, sending all three to the floor. Oz punches him out while Barry gets up. He almost kicks him, but pauses.]
Oz: [To Barry] Do you want to? Go on. [Barry feebly kicks the goon.] There!

No Sex Please, We're Brickies[edit]

[The lads, except Dennis, enter The Barley Mow after their victory over Ally Fraser's goons. Moxey and Harry head straight for the dartboard for a game.]

Oz: Ahhh! Get seven pints on the bar, as quick as you like, Arthur!
Pringle: It's a bit early, isn't it? Even for you lot!
Wayne: Well, we're taking industrial action, ain't we, Tiger?
Bomber: Get that beer out in support, Arthur.
Pringle: I thought strikes had gone out of fashion with the working classes since Scargill got his arse kicked!
Neville: Ey, this was a unanimous decision though, Arthur. No need for a ballot!
Wayne: Yeah, besides, we're striking on a matter of principle here, son. Care of the elderly, so you should be flattered, shouldn't you? [The lads laugh, Pringle doesn't.]
Barry: One day, I reckon our names will be as famous as the Tolpuddle Martyrs in the great tapestry of organised labour.
Pringle: Perhaps you'll suffer the same fate: transportation to Australia.
Oz: [To Barry] What was their names, them Tolpuddlers?
Barry: I don't know the individual identity of the gentlemen concerned, Oz, but that's not important. No, it's their collective sacrifice that counts. I should think they're a couple of Poldarks or Penmarrics, 'cos they're from Bomber's part of the world, right?
Oz: I wonder what we would have been called?
Pringle: I can think of a few names!
Bomber: How about the Thornely Manor Magnificents?
Neville: Aye. We'll be the Derbyshire Dummies if Ally Fraser closes the job down wi'out payin' us.
Harry: No, no, no despondency please, eh? We won a great victory this morning.
Pringle: [To Wayne] Right. That'll be £6.09, or do you want me to contribute this to the strike fund?
Wayne: No, no, no, you might as well have it while we've got it, Arthur. There you go. [Hands over the money.]
Barry: Ere, right, perhaps we should organise a kitty until the dispute's resolved.
Oz: Bollocks! Hey, you divvn't see him gettin' his hand in his pocket often, do ya? Unless yer playin' billiards with hisself!
Wayne: Oh cheers, Oz(!) I suppose you'll be getting the next round, will ya, eh?
Oz: [Walks over to the dartboard] I'll mark. I'll play the winner for a tenner.

[Neville joins Wayne at the bar.]

Neville: It'll be a bit of a choker if Ally Fraser pulls the plug on us without paying us, won't it?
Wayne: Yeah. I don't suppose he'll be overgenerous with the old redundancy payments, eh?
Neville: Have you managed to save anything yet?
Wayne: Now let me think. Erm... no. Which considering we've been living like Trappist monks, is quite an achievement! Mind you, give me any income you like, Nev, and I'll live beyond it.
Neville: What have you done with it then? Have you sent some back to Christa?
Wayne: Yeah, yeah. A few bob here and there, you know. I dunno, mate, it just seems to slip through my fingers, don't it? Mind you, that car don't help much.
Neville: Thirsty motors, them BMWs. Still, if the worst came to the worst, you could always sell it, I suppose. It must be worth a few bob, eh?
Wayne: Oh yeah. I could probably get five or six grand for it. Mind you, I couldn't unload it in this country, could I? It's still German-registered. [At this point, Pringle comes into the bar and eavesdrops on Wayne] And of course, there's that small matter of the old import duty, which I inadvertently overlooked!
Neville: There's always complications in life for us working blokes, isn't there? You claw your way up the cliff face, and there's always some bugger at the top, waiting to stomp on your finger ends. It's probably Ally Fraser's turn today.

[At the table with Barry and Bomber...]

Barry: What will you do if we get laid off, Bomb? Head for home?
Bomber: I should think so, Barry. Throw myself at the mercy of the wife and the DHSS. Mind you, it's a toss-up who'll give me a harder time. [Barry chuckles.] How about you? Would your young lady keep you?
Barry: She won't even have me at the moment, let alone keep me. No, no, I'll give me business a couple of months and if it still don't take off, I'll try one of those sunrise industries.
Bomber: I can't see you as a milkman, Barry!
Barry: [Laughs] No... Bomb, I'm talking about high-technology jobs, you know, computers and, you know, all that stuff. Yeah, with my electrical background I should stand some chance, eh? Mind you, I'll probably be replaced by a smidgen of silicon with a thousand million faculties and a bloody Oxbridge accent.
Bomber: Nothing can take the place of you, Barry.
Barry: [Bashfully] Bomb... thanks very much, like.

[Fraser takes Dennis to Howard's office to renegotiate terms.]

Howard: [Upon seeing Fraser] Ally? [Turns off radio.] I didn't know you were in England
Fraser: I had to come over, didn't I, Howard? Sort out the uprising.
Howard: Oh dear... I hope there was no unpleasantness.
Fraser: Oh no, more of a sort of skirmish, Howard. A lover's tiff, wouldn't you say, Dennis?
Dennis: Aye, Big Baz and Bomber will have announced their engagement any minute I expect! [Fraser and Howard laugh]
Fraser: [As he and Dennis sit on a sofa] Now then, Howard, you must have some malt whisky in this expensive looking office that I'm paying for?
Howard: Coming right up...
Fraser: Bring the bottle over. Dennis and I have got a bit of negotiating to do. [Howard does so.] That's it, shirtsleeve order. Beer and sandwiches at TUC headquarters.
Howard: I've got a couple of sesame seed bars if you'd like.
Fraser: Oh, no thank you.
Dennis: No, save mine for the budgie's cage. [Howard sits down and starts pouring out the whisky.]
Fraser: Right, now, item one on the agenda: as a result of the case put forcibly to me by Dennis and his brothers, I hereby agree to upgrade the ongoing conversion on Thornely Manor. Now, Howard, have you still got that medium-range budget on file, have you?
Howard: Well, yes, but it means jumping up another 20 grand or so!
Fraser: No, no, I can live with that. Dennis has persuaded me that it would be a great pity to skimp on a building of such architectural heritage, especially if there's gonna be a lot of old dears knocking it around soon. On that subject, just make a note on that pad there to increase the projected fee structure for the resident gentlefolk.
Dennis: Passing the costs on already, Ally?
Fraser: Oh, Dennis, if we're going to go upmarket, we can attract a better class of pensioner. If you look in the wills column in the Daily Torygraph, you'll see there's quite a few around with a package stashed away.
Howard: [To Dennis] I'm amazed you got him to agree to this!
Dennis: Right, well, beneath that flinty exterior beats a heart of gold, man.
Fraser: Don't let it get around, Dennis.
Dennis: He's also aware that if he hadn't changed his mind, the VAT people would have got an enormous tip-off about certain unpaid taxes on the building work.
Fraser: Item two: I also hereby agree to waive my rights on the rent monies payable to me from Dennis and his boys after having squatted on my property for the past few weeks.
Dennis: For heart of gold, read "nugget".
Fraser: And as for my personal loan to Dennis: the terms of the debt remain the same. Complete the job on the Manor, and we're all square. And I think I can see a way to writing off the interest payable on the loan, which incidentally, Dennis, is currently running at £2,648, give or take a few coppers.
Dennis: What's the catch?
Fraser: No catch. An absolutely straightforward proposition as regards your boys. You keep them on the payroll for my next project, and we will be as sweet as a bun!

[Dennis returns to the lads...]

Wayne: Well, what's the word then, Den? Are we out of a job of what?
Dennis: No, no, no. Listen. Ally's finally agreed to put some proper work in at the Manor. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief]
Oz: I knew we could twist the bastard's arm over that.
Dennis: But, there's a little, small, er, as you might say, there's a small snag.
Neville: What, he wants us to take a cut in wages?
Dennis: No, no, he wants us to do this next job for him...
Oz: We haven't even finished this one yet, ha' we?
Dennis: Spain.
Neville: [Surprised] Spain?!

[During a break, the lads gather in the kitchen, mulling over the Spain proposal...]

Dennis: [Walking in] 'Ey, I'm knackered! 'Ey, we've been thrashin' along today, havvn't wa?
Bomber: New incentive scheme, Dennis, sangria and señoritas. Works a treat.
Dennis: It's a load o' bollocks, really, yer kna. We're only gannin to Skegness! [Bomber and Neville laugh]
Oz: I tell yer what it is - if Fraser doesn't come up with this Spanish trip, I'll personally brick 'im up alone in that shithouse.
Wayne: Listen, Oz, if this trip don't come off, you can brick me up there in there with him. I don't think I could live with the disappointment. Marbells... you've got your pick of your Euro-crumpet in Marbella.
Neville: We're supposed to be gannin there to work and earn a bit o' money, Wayne. Remember Money?
Barry: Ah, you're wasting your breath, Nev. I think Wayne has invented a new form of currency - wages for sex.
Harry: [Sighs] It's crucifying me this, lads. I mean, hearin' all this, knowing I can't come.
Moxey: An' there's no way you can get out of it, Harry?
Harry: Not unless they put her dates back. I mean, fancy havin' open heart surgery at a time like this, eh? I mean, it's really inconsiderate, in't it?
Oz: It is a bit of a pisser, like, 'cos we're bound to need a plumber when we get over to España, aren't we? Kna what I mean? That's just one of the things they haven't yet cracked, isn'it? Like playin' football without hackin' each other to death, or buildin' hotels where all the windows fit, or gettin' all the hairs out of the backs of their bacon rind. These are some of the things what the Spics haven't mastered.

[Wayne notices a man checking out his car in the driveway. He goes out to see what's going on...]

Wayne: Can I help you, squire?
Customs Officer: Oh, hello. No, I was... just admiring the car. Yours, is it?
Wayne: Yeah, that's right.
Customs Officer: German, I notice.
Wayne: Yeah, BMWs normally are.
Customs Officer: No, I meant the registration. [Points to the number plate.] "D-HB", that's the district of Düsseldorf, isn't it?
Wayne: Perhaps. 'Ere, listen, seein' as you're so bloody good at initials, how 'bout F.O.?
Customs Officer: ...Dunno that one.
Wayne: Didn't think you would(!) Look, what's all this about, mate? The car ain't for sale, all right?
Customs Officer: Glad to hear it, because having already avoided import duty, you wouldn't want to break the law again, Mr. Wayne Winston Norris? [Shows his ID] Customs and Excise. [Tears a sheet of paper from his pad] Your receipt, sir. Keys, please, sir?

[Later, at the pound...]

Dennis: What's the damage?
Wayne: I've gotta find about 800 quid before I can reclaim her. 'Til then, she stays there.
Dennis: You haven't got the money, presumably, have you?
Wayne: About 799 short of the mark, to be honest.
Dennis: Well, er... now we're workin', I can pay you some back again tomorrow, then after the next couple of weeks with Ally's bonus for finishing, that should cover it, shouldn't it?
Wayne: Nah, nah, it's all right. I can find the money, I'm just a bit annoyed with meself for getting caught out. See, when I drove it through Harwich, I told 'em I was just a visitor, didn't I?
Dennis: Well, you are just a visitor, aren't ya?
Wayne: You what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I mean is, I should've put it in the wife's name, eh?
Dennis: Can it not be registered in Christa's name now?
Wayne: It's too late for that, Den.

[Dennis returns to Newcastle...]

Dennis: Kevin wants, er, Hill Street Blues recording, Norma, if that's alreet.
Norma: Yes.
Dennis: Just leave them pots, man, I'll do them later. [Goes to the VCR] Pour us a couple of brandys, yeah?
Norma: I don't want any more to drink, Dennis!
Dennis: [While he sets the VCR] Hey, when I was a kid, yer kna, I spent my Sunday mornings either playin' football or at church parade with the Boys' Brigade. Nowadays, they come straight downstairs from their bedrooms and watch sex and violence on the telly. Can't be good for 'em.
Norma: I blame the parents, meself. [Dennis gets up and pours himself a brandy] Dennis, I don't want to start nagging you but you're puttin' the drink away these days. Is there something bothering yer?
Dennis: ...I just drink when I'm windin' down, Norma. Helps us relax. [He sits on the sofa while Norma sits on the armchair] Anyway, hey, I was readin' this article in The Journal the other day, said, er... drinkers were less likely to have heart attacks than those who didn't drink. Knew I was right all along!
Norma: Did Neville mention our little chat to you at all during the week?
Dennis: [Sighs] What chat's that?
Norma: About Ally Fraser and money.
Dennis: Aye, aye. He mentioned it, so I put his mind at rest.
Norma: Oh?
Dennis: Hey, yer kna, Ally's tryin' to get us up to Spain for this next job.
Norma: [Scoffs] By choice, is it?
Dennis: [Sighs] Look, Norma, once and for all, I'm straight with Ally Fraser, right? By the time we're finished at the Manor and we complete this Spanish work, that's probably the end of our relationship.
Norma: "Probably"?
Dennis: Well, look, man. If he keeps comin' up with work for me an' the rest of the lads, we cannae keep turnin' it down, can wa? Mean, I cannae gan down the Job Centre and say "Oh, we've been offered some work, but we didn't fancy that. Have you got anythin'?"
Norma: Dennis... Just look me straight in the eye and tell me you don't owe Ally Fraser money!
Dennis: Bloody hell, Norma! What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?
Norma: No, no, I just wanna know.
Dennis: Well, it's none of your business, pet!
Norma: Oh, isn'it? And yet it is my business when you want a place to stay or to bring yer kids for your weekend? Or a place for yer bloody mates to doss in? That's my business? Look, if you wanna help me, Dennis, you're gonna have to be straight with us.
Dennis: I am straight with yer.
Norma: Well, that's not what I'm hearing 'round the doors.
Dennis: [Suddenly shouting] Well, if it's only bloody gossip that's gettin' on yer nerves, why don't yer bloody move, man?!
Norma: [Sternly] Look, Dennis! You don't seem to understand, we are family! It doesn't matter how far you travel or how old you get, you're still my little brother, and I care about you!! [Quietly] How much d'you owe?
Dennis: [Quietly, finally realising he should confess all] Six grand.
Norma: [Shocked] What?!
Dennis: £6,000.
Norma: Dennis..?
Dennis: Look, Norma, man, it's not as bad as all that, man. Half the country's in debt or livin' off credit. There's not much difference between Ally Fraser and Access cards!
Norma: Except he's got the power to make you do what he wants!
Dennis: Look, Norma, I'm only a brickie. I'm only buildin' a house for him, I'm... I'm not contracted killer or somethin'! I've told ya, once we've finished the Spanish work, I'll be in the clear. That's the deal, I promise. I'll be off the hook within three months.
Norma: Honest?
Dennis: Well, would I lie to me big sister, eh, knowin' the hiding I'd get when she'd found out?
Norma: [Chuckles] Oh go on, I think I'll have that brandy!

[Oz returns to work after returning from a "job" for a mature lady he met in The Barley Mow, the lads are having a tea break. They cheer as Oz approaches]

Wayne: 'Ello, 'ello! Only three hours? I thought you said you weren't a speed freak!
Moxey: Ah it's not bad, Wayne. Y'know, I mean you could've built a garage in that time, never mind repair one.
Dennis: Well, I hope you don't expect to be paid for this afternoon.
Oz: ...Just pour us a cup o' tea, will ya?
Harry: Come on then, blow-by-blow account!
Bomber: The boy looks wrecked. She certainly taken it out of him.
Oz: [Sighs] Unbelievable. It's the only word for it. Unbe- I mean if I told yer, yer wouldn't believe it, so...
Barry: Well we won't know till you tell us, will we?
Oz: Well, yer kna what I was saying in the bar the other night aboot, eh, aulder women?
Moxey: Experience?
Oz: Yea, experience an' all that beef... Dear me! This one... this one makes Simone Signoret look like Shirley Temple, that one!
Neville: Doesn't mean nowt to me! I've never seen either of them.
Oz: Well I'll try and put it another way.
Wayne: You obviously did(!)
Oz: Yer kna when footballers get to a certain age, they've gotta slow their game doon? Yer kna, but they seem to get to be better players because of experience, yer kna. Like Johnny Giles, Leeds and Éire. I feel like I've been playing with somebody like him after ninety minutes of soccer.
Moxey: It's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz. 'Cos the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner! [Everyone laughs]

[The lads finish their work on Thornely Manor and Ally Fraser arrives with the lads' bonuses and some bottles of Cava. They open the bottles and drink from them as Dennis hands them their money]

Wayne: Now I can get my beloved motor out, eh? Can I borrow your van, Den?
Dennis: Aye, sure, yeah. Here y'are. [Gives Wayne the keys]
Wayne: I'll, erm, probably need someone to drive it back.
Dennis: Er, right. Oz!
Oz: [Oz opens a bottle] Yeah, what?
Dennis: Off you gan wi' Wayne, make sure he doesn't spend his finishing bonus on the way across.
Oz: Why me, like?
Dennis: Because we've spent two months tarting this place up! I don't want a lunatic like you in there pissed!
Oz: Ah nah, I'm not gannin!
Dennis: I'm still the gaffer, so get gan!

[The morning after Wayne gets his car back and discovering it was Arthur Pringle who shopped him to Customs. The phone rings in The Barley Mow. The lads are at a phone box, with Wayne on the phone.]

Wayne: Hello? Arthur? Yes, this is Wayne Winston Norris with your early morning call. [They all laugh]
Pringle: Is this your idea of a joke, you cretin?
Wayne: No, no, no, I'm not joking 'cos I know you ain't got a sense of humour. See, look, why we're ringing is to say bye-bye, 'cos we're off elsewhere, y'see, and to tell you about the little going away present we've left ya. Now look, if you care to look outside your front door... [Looks at Neville, who tries to stifle his laughter. Pringle opens his front door... to discover it's been bricked up!]
The Lads: [Singing] Wall meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know wall meet again some sunny day! [On the outside the words "Wall Meet Again... Baconballs!" are written on the wall]
Wayne: Ta-ta, Arthur! [The lads jeer and laugh]

Marjorie Doesn't Live Here Anymore[edit]

[Back at home, while waiting for the Spain job, Neville tries to get intimate with Brenda in bed, but she's reluctant to do so while Wayne stays with them...]

Brenda: No, Neville. Not here.
Neville: What?
Brenda: It's not the right place.
Neville: In our bed? In our house? At night? Where would you rather do it, at the squash club?
Brenda: Wayne's here.
Neville: Well, what's that gotta do with Wayne?
Brenda: I'm not doin' it with him here in the house.
Neville: Why not?
Brenda: Because he'll hear wor.
Neville: He'll not hear us.
Brenda: We can hear him gargling so he'll certainly hear us... well, he can hear wor.
Neville: If you'd mentioned this last night, I certainly wouldn't have asked him to stay.
Brenda: You should have thought it through! Oh, Neville, it's just too inhibitin'.
Neville: You never used to say that before we were married, when I used to come round your parents' place.
Brenda: That was different. My parents went to bed very early. They were sound sleepers, and you used to have Match of the Day on at full volume. And you used to watch it!
Neville: Wayne'll not be asleep, man. That Sony Walkman never leaves his ears. I mean how's he ganna hear us with Twisted Sister blastin' into his brain cells?
Brenda: He might.
Neville: He'll not, man. It's not like we're noisy, Bren. It's not as if you're a screamer.
Brenda: What?!
Neville: ...Well, it's not like you're one of them frenzied females you hear about, yer kna, that scream and shout and bark.
Brenda: [Loudly] Bark?! D'yer want us to bark?!
Neville: Sssh, man, Brenda! Wayne'll hear us!

[Wayne gives Christa a ring as Brenda comes home...]

Wayne: ...No. I can't give you a number, I'm in the north of England, aren't I? ...Look, if this Spanish job comes up, I'll be away, so I just thought maybe we should get together and... [Fraught] Alright, if you can't, you can't, okay? Give me love to your folks(!) [Puts the phone down and follows Brenda into the kitchen.]
Brenda: Hello, Wayne. Did Neville get you some lunch?
Wayne: Yeah, shared some cottage pie with Debbie.
Brenda: Where is Neville? [Fills a kettle]
Wayne: Taken her down the park. She's a lovely kid, eh?
Brenda: Yeah. Fancy some tea?
Wayne: If you're making some. Here, look. [Tosses some money onto the worktop.] I used the phone, that should cover it.
Brenda: I'm sure that's too much, Wayne.
Wayne: Well, I did rabbit on a bit, and it was to Germany.
Brenda: Phoning your wife, are ya? Neville said she was in Germany. She visiting her family?
Wayne: Yeah...
Brenda: Fancy some toast? I'm starving.
Wayne: [Sits at the kitchen table] Well actually, Christa isn't visiting her parents... she's gone back there. She's pregnant.
Brenda: That's wonderful!
Wayne: No it ain't. She's not sure whether she wants to have it, but, she is sure she don't wanna stay with me. [Brenda comes to the kitchen table and sits down.] I blew it, Brenda. See... I really wanted to be married to her, you know, but... I guess I'm just too immature to be married.
Brenda: Other women?
Wayne: Yeah. Look, the point of loving someone is to prove it to 'em, right? Which means giving all the rest of the birds the elbow, not responding to every bit of skirt that passes you in the street, not being tempted by and bird that flashes you in the boozer, you know. I mean... I wanted it both ways, and... that's out of order, isn't it?
Brenda: I'm afraid it is, Wayne.
Wayne: 'Ere, look, don't tell Neville about this, eh? I don't want the lads to find out. You're the only woman I've told about this apart from Hazel.
Brenda: Is Hazel one of the other women?
Wayne: No. No, Hazel, Barry's fiancée Hazel.
Brenda: Oh, Hazel! Yes, sorry.
Wayne: [Laughs.] It's funny, innit? I find it so much easier talking to birds about this than fellas. Suppose that's the old ego, eh?
Brenda: You know, Wayne, if you tell Christa what you told me and Hazel, well that might make all the difference in the world.
Wayne: Nah, it wouldn't. Not unless I changed, and I can't see that happening, love. I mean, basically I want every woman there is in the world. Present company excluded, of course!
Brenda: [Not knowing whether to be complimented or insulted] Oh, thanks very much!
Wayne: Oh, no, no! Not that I don't find you attractive... No, I mean, I wouldn't do it with a mate's bird, nah... Not that I wouldn't want to... 'Cos, if you know what I mean with me mate... and you're very... so we could... [Brenda chuckles to herself as Wayne gets more flustered. The toast pops.]
Brenda: [Getting up to see to the toast] I think I understand, Wayne! It's not uncommon in men of your age. You seem to feel... you need to prove that your sexual magnetism still works.
Wayne: Yeah, yeah, I suppose that's it then, eh?
Brenda: Jam or Marmite?

[Oz turns up at the factory where his ex-wife works.]

Boss: [To Marjorie] Osborne? Your husband to see yer.
Marjorie: No, cannae be. It's been ages since anyone's seen that beggar!
Boss: He says he's your husband.
Marjorie: Oh, is he Italian?
Boss: Italian? Naw, he's from Byker if he's anything. Big lad with a hole in his teeth.
Marjorie: Oh my God, it is me husband! [Leaves her station] Aurora, take over will yer? [She goes into the office where Oz is waiting. She isn't best pleased to see him!] Well... look what's crawled out the brickwork!
Oz: Hello, Marjorie.
Marjorie: When did you get back?
Oz: I've been back in the UK a couple of weeks now, I came up here last night. Now what's all this aboot ye gannin to Italy?
Marjorie: Who told you that?
Oz: The bairn told us that.
Marjorie: You've seen Rod?
Oz: Yes, I've seen Rod, I went to his school. You don't mind do yer? I'm his father, yer kna!
Marjorie: If you'd read the correspondence in the separation orders, you'd know you're not allowed access to him.
Oz: What correspondence?
Marjorie: You were sent copies of everything.
Oz: I've been movin' around a bit, yer kna.
Marjorie: Don't tell me! That's one of the reasons you're not fit to see him! Abandonment, me solicitor calls it!
Oz: I divven't care what yer solicitor calls it, I'm not bothered about the legalese! I'm bothered aboot me kid, right? If yer take him off to Italy, I'm never ganna see him again, am I?
Marjorie: So what'll be different? [Turns to leave]
Oz: I tell yer what'll be different - the kid'll be different, won't he? 'Cos he's English, man. He was born here, his roots are here, all his friends are here! How's he ganna turn out bein' brought up in... bloody... where is it?
Marjorie: Milano!
Oz: [Scoffs] Milano?! I suppose that's Italian for Milan, is it? Yer talkin' the language already!
Marjorie: Look, he'll turn out a lot better there than he will livin' here!
Oz: And who's this Sandro gadgy?
Marjorie: He's my boyfriend, and as soon as the divorce is final, he'll be my husband!
Oz: Well what sort of bloke is he?
Marjorie: Well, he's not you, Oz, so there's a marked improvement!
Oz: A waiter, is he?
Marjorie: How'd you know that?
Oz: [Laughs] Well it stands to reason, doesn't it? Any Wop or Chinky who arrives on Tyneside's bound to be a waiter! I mean they didn't come here to build ships, yer kna!
Marjorie: He'll be opening his own trattoria in due course! His dad's sick at the moment, and that's why Sandro's gone back, to help him with the business.
Oz: Yeah, so every time I want to see me kid, I've gotta hop on a day flight to Milano, have I? Eh?
Marjorie: I told you - you don't have access.
Oz: I can get it, can't I? I'm his legal dad, yer kna...
Marjorie: Are you gonna take me to court, are ya, Oz? I would love that. I'd love my day in the dock telling a few long overdue home truths! Oh man, you haven't got a leg to stand on! You've been out of his life for three years!
Oz: I've been, I've been workin' abroad, havven' I? Had to go tae Deutschland, and then the Falklands. The Falklands! Don't tell me that wouldn't have an emotional sway in most of the courts of this country!
Marjorie: You weren't there during the hostilities.
Oz: I was there during the aftermath. And one of the things that got us through was the thought of puttin' a few quid away for the bairn's future, man.
Marjorie: Well, we saw precious little of it! Then you went traipsing around America, that must have made a hole in it! I mean, those boots can't have come cheap...
Oz: Shut up, man, Marjorie, will yer shut up? Look man, we can stand here and argue 'til we're blue in the face, right? It's gonna do nae good, 'cos we're never gonna agree on nothin', we never could, we never will, right? I don't care what yer think, right? I just care about me bairn. I want to hear it from him. Alright?
Marjorie: [Upset] Well you're not going to, Oz. You're not seeing him, and that's that! [Storms out of the office.]

[telephone conversation]
Dennis: Barry? Where are you?
Barry: I've no idea, mate. It's taken me bloody half an hour to find a phone box that hasn't been vandalised.
Dennis: Oh, you're in Newcastle?

[Oz, Wayne and Moxey go to a pub. There is a stripper on. Oz gets the drinks in]

Oz: [Sitting with his back to the stripper] Well... I'm sorry I'm not yer genial host tonight, lads. I mean, any other time I'd have been happy to... drag ya roond the flesh pots of the north east, yer kna, but... Oh, it's just this thing with me kid, I mean, it's weighin' heavy on us.
Wayne: [Not taking his eyes off the stripper, as is Moxey] I'm sure it does, son.
Oz: I mean, I kna what yer think. I kna what everybody thinks for that matter. You think that I'm irresponsible. A bit of a heid-the-baw. A bit of a...
Moxey: Lunatic?
Oz: Yeah, oh all right, Moxey! All right! Yer not always rowin' with all yer oars in the water yersel', yer kna!
Moxey: No. Fair enough. Sorry, Oz.
Oz: But I'm still 'is father, isn't I? He's still me kid. [Turns around for a second to the stripper, then turns back again.] You have to put yersel' in my place. Wayne, man! [Wayne finally turns to Oz] Put yersel' in my place, man, with this business with the kid, man. Because you're married, aren't you, eh? If your bird pissed off and left yer, how would that feel, eh, if she went back to Germany?
Wayne: Who's been talking to you, then?
Oz: [Confused] Naebody, man, I'm talkin hypothetically.
Wayne: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oz: Well, I mean, can yer imagine if she had a sprog, eh, and she dragged him back to Düsseldorf? You'd never see it again. Can you imagine how that would feel?
Wayne: [Quietly] Yeah, well, I can, as it happens...

[The lads gather at Neville's after Oz's failed attempt to take back his son.]

Dennis: Yer do things on the spur of the moment, Oz, without ever thinking them through. I mean, where were you gonna take the lad, eh?
Oz: Well I wasn't gonna hang on to him, man, I only wanted twenty four hours with him, to find out how he feels aboot this trip abroad, man. Find oot how he felt about this Sandro gadgy. And she wouldn't let us anywhere near the bairn, so I had to dae what I did, didn't I?
Bomber: Well she'll be even less disposed to let you see him now.
Barry: Ah, so you met the Italian in question, did you?
Oz: Aye, yes, we exchanged one or two words, yes.
Brenda: What sort of person did he seem then, Oz?
Oz: Well, he seemed perfectly affable and pleasant and polite, but I mean ye cannae gan on that, can yer? He's a waiter, he's trained to be.
Wayne: Oh come off it, Oz. You said in the car that he was a nice enough sort of bloke.
Oz: Aye, but them were first impressions, weren't they? He's gotta be a bit micey if he wants to lob up with my Marjorie!
Brenda: [Holding a couple of mugs] Shall I do another pot? [Everyone murmurs in agreement]
Neville: I'll give you a hand.
Brenda: No, I'll do it, pet. [Exits into the kitchen]
Dennis: So, when do they leave, then?
Oz: Eh? Er... Next week.
Barry: If you ask me... just in my opinion, like... I think living in Italy might benefit the lad. I mean, he'd had the climate, when he comes back he'll be bilingual, a wonderful advantage. I only spent one night in this area and I'll tell you it was a bleeding terrifying experience!
Dennis: Yer can't judge a place on one night, man!
Oz: [Overlapping with Dennis] What's wrong with this place? We've all seen Wolverhampton, it's not exactly Beverly Hills, is it?

[Bomber brings some mugs into the kitchen while Brenda is doing the washing up.]

Bomber: Here we are. [Places the mugs into the sink.]
Brenda: Ah, you didn't need to do that. I'd have seen to it.
Bomber: That's all right. Just glad to get out of the smoke. [Picks up a tea towel and starts drying up]
Brenda: Oh, you've not left your wife, have you, and run off with a sailor?
Bomber: [Smiles] If you do, you'll be the first to know.
Brenda: Honestly, it's been like Heartbreak Hotel here this week, I'm thinking of leaving me job at the hospital and taking up marriage guidance!
Bomber: Well, we'll be off in a couple of days and you can get some peace and quiet.
Neville: [Enters the kitchen] Brenda?
Brenda: The kettle's not ready yet, pet.
Neville: No, could you come and have a word with the lads, please? [Brenda takes off her gloves and goes into the living room. Bomber takes over doing the dishes.]
Dennis: Brenda, er... We're all agreee we think Oz has got a case here. I mean, we think that he should see his young lad before he's whisked off to a foreign country.
Brenda: Oh, I quite agree, Dennis.
Dennis: The main problem is the situation with Marjorie is... delicate, to say the least. I mean she has to understand that Oz seeing his son won't be a threat to her. I mean, that's only right and proper.
Brenda: Uh-huh...
Dennis: So, er, we thought the best way to convince her would be, erm... if you had a word with her.

[Brenda comes back after going out with Marjorie to find Wayne sat alone in the living room.]

Wayne: Oh hello, Bren.
Brenda: Hello, Wayne. Are you all on your own?
Wayne: Yeah. Lads have gone down the pub. Said I'd babysit.
Brenda: That's nice of you.
Wayne: I didn't fancy it. And, er... I wanted to speak to Christa, you know, sort of privately, like. Here. [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money and puts it on the coffee table.]
Brenda: I'm sure that's too much, Wayne. It's cheap rate after all.
Wayne: Yeah, but there was, er... quite a lot of heavy dialogue tonight.
Brenda: Oh dear... Look, there's some Cointreau on that sideboard over there. Why don't you pour wor both one, eh? [He does so.] So, she come to a decision, yet?
Wayne: Yep. She's gonna have the baby.
Brenda: Oh, that's a relief. I am glad.
Wayne: But... she ain't gonna have me back. [Brings the drinks over] So, the good news is I'm gonna have a kid by the woman I love. And the bad news is I'll probably never get to see it.
Brenda: It's ironic, isn't it? You and Oz have similar problems.
Wayne: How'd you get on with Marjorie?
Brenda: Well, she's agreed to let him see the boy. Took two bottles of Chianti, though!
Wayne: You're a marvel you are, Brenda. Here, you don't fancy popping over to Dusseldorf, do ya? Doing the business on Christa, eh?

[Oz spends a day with Rod on the banks of the Tyne near the shipyards.]

Oz: Aye. This is where your grandda used to work.
Rod: Here?
Oz: Well, not here exactly. Up the river. Wallsend slipway.
Rod: Never knew me grandda.
Oz: No, nah. He was a riveter. Hard man. Proud man. But, the job killed him in the end. That's why you never got to meet him. [Opens a bar of chocolate and gives some to Rod.] Aye, it's funny... he built ships what went all over the world, and yet he never left Tyneside. I think that's how I become a bit of a wanderer, yer kna, got a bit of a gypo in us. 'Cos I said to meself when I was your age, I said, "That's never ganna happen to me." Mind, not that I'm afraid of hard graft or nowt like that. It's just... well... yer kna, there's a great big world out there.
Rod: Aye, I kna, dad.
Oz: Well, that's... that's how come I'm pleased about yer gannin to Italy, yer kna. Now that I kna how you're feeling aboot it, 'cos I mean it's... it's gotta do you good, hann'it, really? I mean, you'll come back and be able to... parlez amour Italiano, as they say. Give yer an idea what the world's about. And it has to improve yer ball control, doesn't it? Yeah?
Rod: [Laughs for a second.] My teacher says I'm very fortunate.
Oz: Aye, well, your teacher's right for once.
Rod: I'll miss me friends though.
Oz: Ey, you'll make new ones, man. Anyway, you'll be back, won't yer? I mean... [chuckles] couldn't leave this for long, yeah?

[They pet some donkeys in a nearby field. Later, they wait for a bus at a stop under the Tyne Bridge. A bus approaches.]

Oz: Now, I don't wanna wait six months for a postcard, allreet? [The bus stops.] Well, er, have a great time. [Rod boards the bus.] But here, listen - you might be a man of the world now, but never forget your roots, son. Right? You'll always be a Geordie no matter where you go. 'Cos this is the place what shaped yer, made yer what y'are. Alright?
Rod: Ciao, dad. [Pays the driver, the door closes and the bus starts to drive off.]
Oz: Auf wiedersehen, son.

Hasta la Vista[edit]

[The lads' flight to Malaga is cancelled after a last minute hiccup. Dennis meets with Fraser.]

Fraser: [Playing a buzz wire game] Look, I'm sorry, Dennis, but due to the Spanish immigration laws, there is just no way at the moment that I can take a bunch of foreign workers down there.
Dennis: Now wait a minute, Ally, you put your brief on this three weeks ago. He should have told you all that then, man.
Fraser: And he did, Dennis. Couple of days later, I had it all fixed up. I arranged backhanders with a couple of key Pedros down there, but at the last minute, they tried to brace me and cop me for a wee bit extra, and to my mind, it's just a wee bitty too much, so I told them to stuff it.
Dennis: [Looks out of the window to the rest of the lads, who are waiting with all their luggage outside] Look, I've got a bunch of lunatics down there. They're all fired up, they packed their bags, they've sorted things out with their families, and if you don't come through this time...
Fraser: Just take them over tomorrow night, my house, my hospitality. That'll soften them up for ya. By that time I should have sorted something out.
Dennis: I hope so, for your sake! [Starts to leave] What time should I bring them?
Fraser: Er... make it about ten. [His loop touches the wire towards the end, making a high-pitched buzz] I mean, feed them first!

[Wayne and Barry visit a Chinese restaurant]

Barry: Want that last dumpling?
Wayne: Be my guest, son.
Barry: Thanks. [Takes the dumpling and eats it] Lovely, ain't they? Not too greasy.
Wayne: And this spicy beef is well tasty, Barry. You ordered well, son.
Barry: Thank you, Wayne. I'm very in to Oriental cuisine you see, Wayne. Just outside Wolverhampton, there is the most wonderful place - Shanghai Rendezvous it's called. Oh, it's quite bostin', mate. It's a great favourite of Hazel's, and mine, actually. But that is Szechuan cuisine, bit spicier than Cantonese, you see... [points to his plate with his chopsticks] Mind you, I don't suppose Szechuan has reached up here yet, has it?
Wayne: Wolverhampton one - Newcastle nil. [They laugh.]
Barry: Aww, it's a really good idea this, Wayne, because we won't be getting much Chinese grub out in España, will we?
Wayne: No... if we ever get there, mate, eh?
Barry: Plenty of English food, mind, though. When Hazel and me went, it was bloody shepherd's pie and fish and chips, aye.
Wayne: Right... Hey, how are things going with you and your Hazel?
Barry: Well... it's a bit hard to tell from this distance, so... Neville said why don't I bring her out, like? You know. Might make all the difference, he said.
Wayne: Watch out, watch out. Right? You know what Neville's doing? Neville's promised Brenda a free trip, right. So he's lobbying all the lads to get their old ladies out there so he don't feel like the odd man out.
Barry: Hmmm... I'm thinking about it, though... A change of scene might do the trick with Haze.
Wayne: Yeah. Not with them ludicrous Bermudas you bought, mate.
Barry: Ahh, they'll look nice when me legs are brown.
Wayne: [Shouts out to a waiter] Er, two more lagers. Two more lagers, please, squire.
Barry: 'Ere, why don't you bring Christa out? You've not seen much of her lately, have you?
Wayne: She's, er... she's in Germany, ain't she?
Barry: Well, it don't stop her flying out, does it?
Wayne: She wouldn't like it.
Barry: Why not, mate? I mean, I can imagine the wives not wanting to join us in Dusseldorf when we were working out there, but I mean Spain's a different kettle of fish, innit? Oh, and if Hazel were there with other couples, like... like you and Christa, and Neville and Brenda, she might see things in a different light. What d'you think, Wayne?
Wayne: Look. Stop asking me what I think, will you, Barry? Ever since I've known you, you've asked my advice on everything about love, sex and marriage.
Barry: Well... it's hardly surprising, is it? I mean, I don't profess to be an expert in that department. You've probably forgotten more about women than I've got to learn!
Wayne: Yeah, well I know nothing about wives, do I? Otherwise mine wouldn't have left me.
Barry: [Looks up, not expecting that news.] When did this happen, then?
Wayne: Ages ago.
Barry: And you never told no-one?
Wayne: I told your Hazel.
Barry: Did you? She never let on.
Wayne: That's why I told her, Barry. I told Brenda as well a couple of nights ago. I didn't wanna tell the lads, 'cos... I dunno. [Shrugs] Probably me image. I just... thought, "What's the point?" But you can do me a favour - tell the lads, and tell 'em I don't wanna talk about it, all right?
Barry: [Holds his free hand up] Right, right. [Eats a prawn ball] 'Ere, do you think it was something to do with your philandering..?
Wayne: Barry, did you hear me? It's the end of the conversation. Closed book. 'Ere, you're the prince of trivia, you think of something to talk about!
Barry: [Takes a few seconds to think. Then...] D'you want that last prawn ball?

[At Fraser's home in Darras Hall, Fraser calls the lads together for a quick word, but not before noticing Wayne getting a little too close to Vicky for his liking.]

Fraser: Very well, now that we're all gathered, I'd like just to say a few words. [Stares at Wayne]
Vicky: [To Christine, Dennis's new girlfriend] Why don't I show you around the house, pet?
Christine: All right. [They leave the room.]
Fraser: [Stands on a stool to address the lads] Right. You lads have been farted around a bit, but, er, these things happen. Unexpected contingencies. However, I'm very, very pleased to say that everything has now been sorted out, and you fly out there on Saturday. [The lads murmur.]
Dennis: Is that from here or from Heathrow?
Fraser: Er, that is from here, Dennis. Saturday, 13:45.
Dennis: ...They don't do scheduled flights from here on Saturday.
Fraser: Ah, well it's not a scheduled flight as such, Dennis. It's more what you might say our own luxury personal charter.
Oz: [Excited] What? Wor own plane? Whoa, I'm up for that, eh! The Bricklayers' Special!
Fraser: [Chuckles] I havenae gone quite that far, Oz. No, no, it's a pal of mine's got a wee company, he's taking a tour down there, and he very, very happily happens to have some spare seats.
Oz: Oh, Christ! Economy measures already? I might have known.
Fraser: No, no, no, there's more to it than that, if you'll just bear me out, Oz. Now officially, you lads are not going out there to work, because as you know, I could not come across with the work permits, and I want you out there because I trust the British working man.
Wayne: Very patriotic.
Fraser: I think if one is in a position to help the working man at the present moment in time, then one should do it. I'm also not too keen on my Spanish workers because when I'm out there it's mañana, mañana, and when I'm not out there it's siesta, siesta. [They all chuckle]
Barry: Yes, they, er, they do tend to indolence, don't they, the average Spaniard? Mind you, now that they've joined the European Community, you might find it's a marked difference in their... [Notices Fraser glaring at him. Quieter] their attitude... [He shuts up.]
Fraser: All I'm saying, Barry, is that officially we are going there as holiday-makers, and arriving in a chartered flight will help to reinforce that impression. Now do you's get my drift?
Oz: Oh aye, aye. So it's buckets and spades and waterwings is the order of the day, is it?
Fraser: That's right, and you turn up for work in your swimming cossie, eh? [Laughs] You'll be given a few pesetas for your walking around money, and your official money will be paid as per usual, as per Dennis, as per back here.
Dennis: Are we still staying at the Hotel Miramar?
Fraser: Ah, well, unhappily, Dennis, they were unable to take you. [The lads voice their disgust]
Dennis: The lads are fed up with barrack-room conditions, right? In Derbyshire were livin' like derelicts, man!
Fraser: That has all been taken care of, Dennis. You will be staying in the same hotel as the rest of the holiday-makers, a very, very charming spot, and only a stone's throw from the beach.
Oz: Oh, aye? Well the Spaniards is famous for how far they can hoy a stone, aren't they, eh?
Fraser: And they're also famous for how bad they lay a brick, and that is why we are setting off to sunnier climes. So, until then, my dear friends, hasta la vista and vayas con Dios, mis amigos! Okay, who's for a game of pool?
Oz: Oh, I'm up for that, like!
Dennis: Aye, I'll have a game!
Bomber: [To Fraser] Shall we take 'em on, Mr. Fraser?
Fraser: Oh. Ally, Bomber. Call me Alistair.
Wayne: Nev, you and me take the winners on.
Neville: Hang on a minute, Wayne. [Goes to speak to Bomber.] Here, Bomb.
Bomber: Yeah?
Neville: Listen, if it's a charter flight, it'll not be that expensive, will it? We could probably afford to take the wives. D'you fancy taking yours?
Bomber: I don't know, Neville. She's got her hands tied looking after all our kids. Besides, Bomber rather fancies getting amongst those señoritas!

[Neville goes to the home bar, where Barry is checking out the tools for making cocktails]

Barry: Ahh, good evening, my friend. [Neville sits down] Can I get you a drink, mon amigo?
Neville: Aye. Anything.
Barry: It's all right, isn'it? Right! [Pours a drink out of cocktail shaker] Y'know, I could grow accustomed to evenings like this, Neville. Hazel and I have often talked about putting in a bar in our room downstairs. There's room, remember, right by the bay. I mean, nothing as grand as this, of course, just something that's big enough for me to get behind. [Hands the drink to Neville] Hang on... [Adds a decoration]
Neville: Listen, have you had a word with Hazel yet about gannin to Spain?
Barry: Yes. Yes, I have, actually. She seems quite keen. But, er... she's in a position of great responsibility, Nev. I mean, she can't just drop everything in her job like that and come straight out, you know.
Neville: No... but it's still a possibility, is it?
Barry: Yeah, you know... I think so, yeah. But I thought I'd best get out there meself and see the lie of the land, y'know.
Neville: [Turns to Wayne, who's stood by the hi-fi checking out Fraser's record collection] What about you, Wayne?
Wayne: [Turns around] What about Wayne, what?
Neville: Any chance of you askin' Christa out to Spain?
Wayne: [Approaching Barry at the bar] Haven't you told him yet?
Barry: No, I haven't, actually. I haven't had time, have I? Haven't seen sight or sound of Nev since our last conflab.
Neville: What's this?
Wayne: Well, now's your chance, eh? [Leaves them to it.]
Barry: Neville, this may come as a bit of a shock to you, mate...

[A short time later, we rejoin Neville as Barry tells him that Wayne's marriage is over]

Neville: Let's face it, he's had it comin' to him, hasn'he?
Barry: [Sighs, as he pours some alcohol into the cocktail shaker] Yeah. I think he knows that, though.
Neville: He never leaves it alone, does he? He must've slept with half of Düsseldorf before he met Christa!
Barry: Yeah, but, I think the experience may have changed him, actually, Nev. I mean, added to the fact that he's been 'round people like you and me. It's bound to have a stabilising influence, innit?
Neville: I don't think I've got any influence on Wayne. I think he thinks I'm dull.
Barry: [Having finished pouring more alcohol into the shaker] No! "Mature" would be my word for it, actually, Nev. [Barry puts the lid on the shaker and starts shaking it. He opens it, causing the cocktail to spill on his tie and Neville's shirt.]

[Outside Fraser's house, Wayne has a breather by the pool. He hears someone getting into the car, so he walks towards the drive and finds Vicky in the Jag. She opens the driver seat window.]

Wayne: Hello. Goin' out, are we?
Vicky: Yeah, I'm goin' down to Cannibal's. It's this club that Ally owns.
Wayne: Yeah, yeah. That's right. We were there last night.
Vicky: D'yer wanna come down tonight? I could leave your name at the door.
Wayne: D'you mean me, or all of us?
Vicky: Well... why, like? D'you always do everythin' as a group?
Wayne: Oh, no, no. I do loads of things on me own.
Vicky: Oh, aye?
Wayne: Mind you, it might be a bit off tonight, eh, 'cos I am Ally's guest, ain't I?
Vicky: Oh, well. Suit yerself.
Wayne: Maybe we can leave it 'til Spain, eh?
Vicky: Er... leave what?
Wayne: A bit of dancing, or something.
Vicky: Well, we'll have to see about that, won't we? [She smiles as she closes the window.]
Wayne: Yeah.

[Vicky drives off as Wayne watches. As she does, Fraser steps into the drive. Wayne turns round and sees him.]

Fraser: [In quiet but warning tones] That's mine.
Wayne: Lovely motor, squire.
Fraser: I didn't mean the car.

[At the pub, Dennis gets the drinks in and brings them to Oz, Neville, Barry and Bomber while they wait to meet Moxey's replacement.]

Dennis: Here you go, lads. [The others grab their drinks from the tray] After all the delays, it looks like we're off to Spain tomorrow, so let's have a monumental piss-up.
Oz: Oi, oi, hang on. Should we not wait 'til the women get here, eh? I mean, Brenda'll be on her way doon, will she?
Neville: Look, I hope you're not going to make her like a misery out there, Oz!
Oz: Ohh, man, I'm harsh.
Dennis: I tell yer what, she'll not be on her own, because I'm bringing Christine with me.
Neville: Are yer?
Bomber: You sly old bugger, Patterson.
Neville: Fantastic!
Barry: That's great, man. I'll get Hazel straight down now.
Oz: Oh, eh. Top of the bill, that. Champion. If this new charva drags his tart along, we'll be able to start a formation dance team!
Dennis: Look, Oz, I promise you tonight is an all-male evening, right, of alcoholic abuse.
Barry: If we're having an evening of celebration and depravity, we could've chosen better than this manky place.
Dennis: Alreet, we're only startin' off here, man, aren't wa? We're meetin' this other lad, then we're ganna meet Wayne at the disco.
Barry: Aye, but not if Oz and Bomber get on the bloody snooker table, we won't. We'll be here 'till closing time!
Bomber: No fair. Bomber wants to go dancing.
Dennis: Aye, well we're not gannin to Cannibal's.
Bomber: That's fine by me. I hate them small, frenzied discos. What happened to the palais? The big band? The sound of saxophones echoing through the rafters.
Barry: I once took tap dancing lessons, y'know.
Neville: You did?
Oz: Why?
Barry: What do you mean, why?
Oz: Well... why? Why? Why?
Barry: Oh... seeing all those wonderful films with Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Donald O'Connor, wonderful dancers, people like that. [Oz chuckles] I wanted to emulate them. Anyway, me auntie was the teacher so I got a rebate on the lessons.
Neville: Come on, then. Do your bit.
Dennis: Howay!
Oz: Howay! Let's see you dance, Fred(!)
Barry: No, I haven't got the right sort of shoes.
Neville: Howay, on the floor! [Points to the floor near the bar]
Barry: No, it's the wrong sort of floor.
Dennis: Look, just do one little bit. You'll not have to buy a drink all night!
Neville: Howay, that's fair enough.
Oz: [Nudging Barry] Go on, Fred(!)
Neville: Come on, on the stage!
Barry: [Getting up. Neville moves and sits in Barry's spot] I think I can still remember one little routine.
Oz: Hold on, I've got a better idea. [Gets up] Come over here by the dartboard, y'see, then we can put the spotlight on you and you can do yer bit. [Drags Barry to the dartboard and alters the position of the light from the dartboard to towards Barry]
Barry: It's been a long time, y'know.
Bomber: We'll bear that in mind, Barry.
Oz: Right. [Turns the light on] Off yer gan. [Heads back to his seat.]
Barry: [Nervously] Right. Er... You've gotta remember that this is the to the tune of Keep Young and Beautiful, right? [Mutters] Feet, don't you fail me now. And... [Starts tapping and singing] Keep young and beautiful / It's your duty to be beautiful / Keep young and beautiful / If you want to be loved. [Spins round while the others watch, barely able to keep themselves from laughing] Keep young and beautiful... It's coming back! [Continues singing] It's your duty to be beautiful... [Stops for a moment as he stumbles before continuing] It's coming back! [Continuing singing] ...If you want to be loved. / Keep young and... if you want to be...
The Lads: [Joining in singing] If you want to be, if you want to be loved! [Barry ends on a pose, the other lads cheer before holding up beermats like they were scorecards]
Dennis: 2.0, 2.5, 1.5, 2.0, and the trophy won't be goin' to Wolverhampton this year! [They laugh as they throw beermats at Barry as he returns to the table.]
Neville: [Laughing, to Barry] And it's your round!

[The man who started a fight with Moxey in Cannibal's causing him to flee enters the pub, he heads for the bar.]

Oz: [Noticing him] Oh, look what's just crawled up against the bar.
Bomber: Who's that? [Turns around]
Oz: See 'im? That charva what cause all the bother at the disco the other night.
Neville: What's this, like?
Bomber: You reckon he's come lookin' for us, Oz?
Oz: Ohh, suits me!
Dennis: Ey, look, knock it on the head, right? We're all on a plane tomorrow, we don't want any bother.
Neville: Listen, will somebody tell me what's gannin on? [The man approaches the table]
Oz: [Standing up] What do you want? Eh? Have yer come lookin' for a showdoon? I'll gi' yer ten oot o' ten for bottle, son!
Martin: I don't want any trouble. Anyway, I'm not lookin' for ye.
Oz: Are yer not? Well, I suggest you piss off and find another watering hole, 'cos after a few more of them... [Picks up a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale] ...I might just be tempted to pull the front end of yer face off!
Barry: Why do yer have to be so belligerent, Oz?
Oz: [To Barry] Look, man, if it wasn't for 'im, Moxey'd still be gannin to Spain!
Martin: [Interrupting] I'm not lookin' for any trouble, eh? I'm lookin' for a bloke called Dennis Patterson.
Dennis: [Now looking worried] That's me. Who are you?
Martin: Martin Cooper. Mr. Fraser said you might be one short for that Spanish job.
Oz: [Laughs loudly and derisively] He's not comin'!
Dennis: [Getting up] It's alreet, I'll handle it.
Oz: If he gans, I'll...
Dennis: [To Oz] Shut up and sit down!
Oz: Well he's not...
Dennis: I'll handle it!
Oz: Well he's not...
Dennis: Shut up! [Oz finally takes the hint and sits down. Dennis approaches Martin] Look, if you've had some bother with these two lads, this isn't ganna work out now, is it?
Martin: Why not?
Dennis: Why not?! Because we're supposed to be a team, man! That's why not.
Martin: I haven't got a problem. If they've got a problem, that's their problem, mate. I need that job, eh? I'll do me share. See yer at the airport. [Leaves the bar, glaring at the lads as he does. Dennis returns to the table, sighs, and reaches for his pint]
Barry: Nothing ever seems to go smoothly for us lot, does it?

[Back at the Chinese restaurant, the lads despair over Martin joining them]

Barry: The food doesn't seem so good tonight, does it, Wayne?
Wayne: There's no difference in the food, son. It's the mood that's down the crapper.
Oz: Well, it's got to be said... [Burps] ...this latest development with this Martin gadgy, I mean it's took the shine off the trip to Spain to everybody, hann'it?
Neville: Of all the blokes in Newcastle, you had to pick on him.
Oz: What?!
Dennis: He picks on a lot of people, Nev. So the odds aren't that outlandish!
Oz: Hold on a minute, hang on, it wasn't me who started that barney, it was that Martin gadgy, man, wann' it?
Wayne: Hey, hey, if you remember, the incident occured because you tried to get into his old lady's knickers.
Oz: Oh, hey, hold on! I don't think you're one to point the finger aboot that, do you, eh? We've been dropped in the clarts plenty of times by your rampant member, haven't we?
Wayne: They never forget, do they?
Bomber: C'mon, lads. Fair's fair. That Martin's a born headbanger. And I can't say I fancy working alongside him.

[Moxey enters the restaurant. The lads cry out jubilantly.]

Neville: Hey, Moxey! Where've you been?
Moxey: I called 'round your house, Den, and er, your sister said you were all in here.
Oz: [Calls down the table] Give him a chair, somebody.
Dennis: Sit down, son. Sit down.
Moxey: Before I do, though, there's just a couple of things I'd like to say, y'know. Er, I've got me passport sorted out, y'know, so I can go to Spain. There's no problems there.
Oz: [Sets a chair at the head of the table for Moxey] Fantastic!
Moxey: But I know I've caused you lot a lot of aggravation, y'know, with all this duckin' and divin' an' that, so, er, well if you don't want us to go, y'know, I'll understand, and there'll be no hard feelin's.
Oz: Naah!
Dennis: Get this man a drink! He's the guest of honour.
Oz: Guest of honour? He's the man of the year as far as I'm concerned! [Shouts to a waiter] Another one here!
Moxey: Why? What have I done?
Wayne: You've turned up, sunbeam, that's what you've done.
Barry: Somebody better tell that Martin fella to forget it.
Dennis: I will, I will, aye.
Neville: The Magnificent Seven rides again! Yahey!
Bomber: You came in the nick of time, my son.
Moxey: I'm made up! You lot don't exactly owe me any favours.
Dennis: It's you that's doing us a favour, man. [Stands up, glass in hand] A toast, to Moxey! [They all raise their glasses]
Neville: It's great to have you back! [Moxey smiles]
Dennis: ...Or is it Brendan?
Moxey: ...It's Francis Fogarty.
Oz: ...It's what?
Moxey: Francis Fogarty.
Oz: Francis Fogarty? [Laughs] Where did you get Francis Fogarty from?
Moxey: Well it wasn't my idea, y'know. If it was up to me, I'd like to be called Derek. But no Derek died in Kilburn on Tuesday.

[At Newcastle Airport, the lads, Brenda, Debbie and Christine prepare to check in. They are greeted by their guide from the tour operator.]

Russell: Mr. Patterson?
Dennis: Yeah?
Russell: Party of ten for Swallow Tours. Are you all here? Let me have your tickets and passports, and we'll get you checked through.

[Brenda and Christine in the newsagents]

Christine: Want a Playboy for your Neville?
Brenda: I'm not getting that, it's disgusting!
Christine: [Laughs] Cosmo? Ooh, I'll have that after you.
Brenda: Listen, pass us down the Nursing News. There's a really good article about... [The rest of their conversation is drowned out by the airport tannoy, and they pick magazines.]
Airport Announcer: Passengers for Flight 213 to Málaga to Gateway 2, please.
Christine: That's us!

[Back waiting for check-in, Neville is looking after Debbie.]

Wayne: [To Debbie] I think it's very noble of your dad to bring you and your mum along, you know? 'Cos it'll keep him out of mischief! Listen, d'you know why? Because we're going to be sampling all that pulchritude down there. [Laughs.]
Neville: There'll not be much of that, man. The tourist season's well finished.
Oz: There'll be enough, divvn't you worry. Anyway, with a bit of luck, we'll have sorted summat out before we land.
Wayne: 'Ere! Are you trying to tell me, right, that on this charter tour, there ain't gonna be a surplus of salesgirls, secretaries, hairdressers, the lot, eh? I tell you, we'll be well locked off before we've even landed, son!
Russell: [At the check-in line] Check-in over here, Mr. Patterson. [The group join the check-in line. In front of them is a large group of pensioners.]
Wayne: Hold on, what's all this lot, then?
Russell: It's the Spennymoor & District Senior Citizens Society. They go every year. You were lucky to get those seats! [Wayne's face falls.]
Neville: I wouldn't waste any time, Wayne. I'd steam in now! [Cockney accent] Get it all locked off, son! [Laughs.]


[The gang get a minibus from the airport to the hotel. They drive past several unfinished hotels.]

Oz: What was it Fraser said aboot us coming doon here? He was sendin' a team doon to help the British unemployed. Ho, ho, what a lot of bollocks! [Takes a swig of a bottle of beer.] It's obvious we're here 'cos there's not a building worker available from Malaga to Gib!
Bomber: I never saw so much building in all my life!
Neville: It's a brickie's paradise!
Brenda: Mind, I think it's ruined the view.
Neville: Aye, but think of all the lads they're employing, man. They must all be millionaires.
Moxey: Y'know, I had a totally false impression of this place. I thought it was all, y'know, yachts, and playboys with Porsches. I've seen more bloody cranes than sports cars!
Barry: Yeah, y'see, leisure is the new growth industry of the eighties.
Neville: Not back home, it's not.
Barry: We ain't got the climate, have we, Nev? Look, look. [Points to a giant water slide] When would you ever see a bloody water chute in Wolverhampton High Street?

[Oz, Wayne, Barry, Bomber and Moxey go into town and find most shops, bars and clubs are shut. They buy some hats and find an open bar, which is empty except for them.]

Moxey: Shall we get a cab to Marbella, check that out?
Oz: Nah, I just wanna get to me pit. [Burps.] Christ, I've had more excitement in Berwick on a wet Sunday afternoon.
Wayne: Yeah, let's put the lid on this one, eh?
Barry: Mind you... it is Tuesday. [Everyone stares at Barry.] What I mean is, er, nothing ever happens on a Tuesday, does it?
Oz: I think Newcastle won the Fairs Cup on a Tuesday.
Moxey: I knew this bloke once who killed himself on a Tuesday.
Wayne: [Bored] Been in here, had he?

[The following day, the lads head for Fraser's villa. Dennis drives while Oz chucks the map to Barry.]

Barry: I think that's it up ahead.
Dennis: Whaddaya mean ya "think"? Is it or isn't it?
Barry: I'm not sure, I mean, none of the bloody roads have got names! [Consulting the map] I mean, we went right past the tennis ranch, right, then we took the left-hand fork down the unmade road. Then, it says here, after half a mile, the tarmac starts again, so you go up the hill, and it's the second villa.
Oz: Has it got a name or anything?
Barry: It doesn't say nothing.

[They arrive at what they think is Fraser's villa and get out of the minibus.]

Dennis: This must be the one.
Oz: Well, there's nae car about.
Dennis: They might have gone into town.
Bomber: Maybe they're round the back. [They go into the back garden.]
Dennis: [Calls out] Hello? [No answer.]
Barry: This is all very nice, innit? [They find the pool.]
Wayne: Well, the pool's a bit small, ain't it?
Neville: [Cranky] An' yours is Olympic size, is it? The one in your back yard in Tilbury?
Wayne: [Points at Neville] Huh, what's wrong with her, eh? Got out of the wrong side of the bed, did she?
Neville: Yeah, seventeen times! [Dennis looks into the villa through the patio doors.] D'ya think I slept with the racket you lot were making? At seven o'clock, them Spanish brickies were back on the job.
Oz: Where was this?
Neville: About three feet from my pillow!
Moxey: Ah, we don't get that, we're all on the other side of the hotel.
Neville: Who arranged that?
Dennis: I did, Nev. Well, I thought the further away you and Brenda and the bairn were from the lads, the better, yer kna?
Bomber: What's Ally want us to do, Dennis? I thought it wasn't supposed to be finished.
Dennis: Er... he wants the swimming pool extending, and a terrace built.
Bomber: [Sees there's a drop from the side of the pool to the ground below] Well, you can only build a terrace that way. [Points to the drop] Have to cantilever it.
Dennis: Aye. He wants a cascade building over it as well, and a brick barbecue. [The lads start walking to the pool.]
Wayne: Well, we should do that first. Then we can have barbecued chicken for lunch every day, eh?
Oz: Well, I've gotta admit, Dennis, you certainly came up trumps for the boys in this one. This is, without doubt, the pleasantest building site I've ever worked on.
Barry: Beats Dusseldorf hands down.
Oz: Oh aye, an' we can have a dip every day an' all!
Barry: Er, no. No, actually, no. Not if we're extending the pool we're not, unless you want to dive straight into a heap of rubble.
Oz: Well, that's all the more reason to get in there now, innit?
Moxey: Oh, yeah! Will that be all right, Den? Can we?
Dennis: Well, I dunno, really. It's not our pool, is it?
Moxey: Ah, hey, Den! We're not a bunch of lepers, y'know! It's not as if we're gonna pollute the bloody thing.
Oz: Well, even if we dae, we'll be pulling the plug this afternoon, so... [Barry and Wayne check the temperature of the water.]
Barry: Ah, I must admit, a dip would be very refreshing, wouldn't it, particularly before a hard day's graft. This sun'll be right overhead soon.
Wayne: Yeah, and Ally said we should make out like tourists, didn't he?
Dennis: [Thinks for a few seconds and looks around] Ah, howay then. [The lads cheer]
Moxey: Ah, right!
Oz: Right! [The lads, except Bomber, start taking their clothes off.]
Bomber: Not me. Bomber can't swim.
Wayne: Go on! [Oz pushes Bomber in the pool. Bomber quickly makes for the pool steps.]
Neville: [Realising] Hey, hang on a minute. None of us has got cossies!
Oz: It's not formal, man. Naked, as nature intended it to be.
Wayne: That's right. [Takes his underpants off.] See, this way, I can get an all-over tan. [Dives into the pool. Barry and Neville quickly follow suit.]
Dennis: I just hope that Vicky doesn't come out and find seven brickies' dongs floating in the water! [Bomber pulls something from the water's surface and is disgusted by it.]
Moxey: Not on an empty stomach, no! [They're all in the pool now.]

[The villa's residents arrive, and it's certainly not Ally Fraser! It's a retired couple called Geoffrey and Pauline Oxlade. They notice the lads' minibus parked in their drive.]

Geoffrey: Who does that belong to?
Pauline: I've no idea.
Geoffrey: [Briefly inspecting the minibus] Is it what's-his-name's day to do the pool?
Pauline: No, he comes Thursdays.
Geoffrey: Yes... But you know what they're like.
Pauline: No, I know him. He's got that little yellow car. [Geoffrey hands two bottles of wine to Pauline and takes their box of shopping from the back seat of the car. He hears the commotion from their pool.]
Geoffrey: Can you hear something?

[Down in the pool, the lads are having their refreshing swim. Bomber stays at the steps]

Moxey: Hey! Shall we have a go at that synchronised swimming? [Oz laughs] Get in the next team for the Olympics?
Oz: That's bloody outrageous! That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever saw. All them tarts, covered in make-up, nose clips on, and it's supposed to be a bloody sport!
Moxey: 'Ey, come 'ead! Let's have a craic. Come on, let's form a circle.
Oz: Ah well. You can be team leader. [The Oxlades run up the hill to their back garden, carrying their shopping with them.]
Moxey: One, two, three... [The lads somersault, bottoms up! Geoffrey sees this.]
Geoffrey: Good God! Pauline, don't come any further!
Pauline: Who's in our pool?
Geoffrey: [Putting the box down] I'll take care of this.
Oz: Did we make the team? [The lads all laugh. Geoffrey approaches the pool.]
Geoffrey: Hey! You lot!
Dennis: [Swims up to the steps] Good morning!
Geoffrey: [Furious] Never mind good morning! Can you explain who you are and what you're doing here?
Dennis: [To the others] Hold it. Shut up, man! [To Geoffrey, as he gets out of the pool, hiding his modesty] We're er... we're waiting for Mr. Fraser.
Geoffrey: Who?
Dennis: Er... [Shouts at the others] Shut up, man, will you? Keep it down! [To Geoffrey] Is this not his villa?
Geoffrey: No, it is not! It is mine. [Pauline approaches the pool as Oz gets out.]
Pauline: [Shocked] Geoffrey, they're all naked!
Oz: Well, it's not customary to wear a morning suit when you gan for a swim, missus.
Geoffrey: If you're not out of here immediately, I shall call the Guardia Civil.
Dennis: Now, look, pal, this has been.. this has been a legitimate mistake, yer kna. There's no need to go over the top. I mean, we're all Brits here.
Geoffrey: You're the type of Britisher that caused my wife and I to retire here in the first place! [Geoffrey storms off.]

[The lads finally arrive at Fraser's villa.]

Fraser: [Coming out of the villa] Where the hell have you been?
Oz: Mornin'. [The lads get out of the minibus]
Dennis: Sorry, Ally. We got lost.
Fraser: [Noticing the lads' wet bodies and damp clothes] Have you guys been swimming?
Dennis: Well, it's a long story, like.
Barry: [Clutching the map] I think it's my fault, actually, Mr. Fraser, 'cos we were supposed to take a right, but I took a wrong left...
Fraser: Right, right, fine. Lovely, lovely. Look, get your hairy arses 'round the back!

[The lads survey the half-finished pool and terrace at Fraser's villa for the first time while Fraser looks over the plans with Dennis and the architect.]

Bomber: It's nice to think you could retire to somewhere like this. I suppose the best I could hope for is a caravan near Clevedon overlooking the Bristol Channel.
Neville: At least people would talk to you there, Bomb. You'd have neighbours and friends. Where out here, you'd probably wind up next to some people like that couple who hoyed us out of their pool today.
Oz: Aye. I know we were trespassing, like, but as soon as I seen his face I hate him. He's just the sort of person that makes you ashamed to be English.
Barry: In all fairness, Oz, he probably feels exactly the same about you.
Oz: What? Well, he shouldn't, should he? 'Cos I'm isn't. He is. He is. Every time I see his sort, the hairs on me back curl up!
Moxey: Yeah. The bourgeoisie.
Oz: Yeah. A prick, in my language. He's the sort of bloke who'd sit in the golf club all day, moaning and groaning, or write to the papers about [Posh accent] how people don't pull their weight. [Normal accent] Then what does he do when he cops his pension, eh? Whoosh! Body sweve doon to Spain so he'll not get collared wi' nae tax!
Barry: Er, when did you last pay your income tax, Oz? Was it...
Oz: What's that gotta do with anything?

[While the lads argue, Vicky appears on the terrace with a tray full of beers. She's wearing nothing but a green bikini.]

Vicky: I thought you lads might be a bit thirsty.
Oz: Oh, San Miguel? [Wayne and Nev take a beer from the tray.]
Fraser: Vicky, just bring that over here, will you? I'll take care of that. [She puts the tray on the table] There you go, gentlemen, help yourselves to a beer. I'll be with you in just a moment. Uno momento. Vicky? [Goes into the villa. Vicky follows.]
Wayne: Always wondered what our Vicky would look like unwrapped.
Barry: Oh, pathetic!

[Inside the villa...]

Fraser: Look, Vicky, when we've got these cowboys around the place, it might look better if you didn't go around flaunting yourself.
Vicky: [Looks down at her bikini-clad body] Who's flaunting?
Fraser: D'ya think that bikini's the height of discretion? I used to use bigger plasters to cover my pimples.
Vicky: Yes, well, you don't complain as a rule, do you? [Reclines on the sofa]
Fraser: Well, as a rule, I don't have seven randy brickies running around the patio!
Vicky: Well, there's going to be no point in going out is there? I mean, I cannae sunbathe, I cannae go for a swim 'cos there's nae water in the pool, I cannae play me records 'cos I cannae hear them for the concrete mixer...
Fraser: Are the arrangements not to your liking, Vicky?
Vicky: I'm just saying...
Fraser: Is the villa no longer up to scratch? May I just remind you that two years ago, when you were a manicurist at Maison André, your idea of the holiday of a lifetime was a fortnight at Redcar!
Vicky: Listen, I travelled before I met you, Ally Fraser. Me and me friend Barbara had two successive summers in Magaluf.
Fraser: Och, well, in that case... In that case... [Picks up the phone and hands it to Vicky] Why don't you just give Barbara a bell? See if she's still got the tent!

[The lads return to work the day after visiting Kenny Ames' yacht, the Sans Souci, where they are covertly photographed for journalist Nick Wheeler. Fraser arrives at the villa, furious.]

Dennis: Afternoon, Ally. Didn't expect to see you back this early. [Fraser produces a copy of The Sun.]
Oz: Is that an English paper you got there?
Fraser: That's right, Oz, I've got an English paper. Something I'd like to read to you here, boys, I don't want to take up too much of your valuable time. If you just gather around, please. [The lads down tools and gather round Fraser.] Right. Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. [Reads from the paper] "Spain's Costa del Crime is still a haven for the growing band of Brits who Scotland Yard are," quote, "'anxious to question'. Kenny Ames, 47, who persists in denying he was Britain's King of Porn, continues to sun himself on his luxury yacht in Marbella."
Barry: Ah, that sounds like the one we were on, is it?
Fraser: [Continues reading] "No doubt, his companions, newly arrived from England are business associates." [He puts the paper down for the others to see.]
Moxey: [Pointing to the photo] Hey, that's us!
Oz: Hey, look at that! Centre spread!
Wayne: I've seen much better photos of me than that one, though.
Neville: What's Brenda's folks ganna say?
Fraser: Dennis, read on.
Dennis: [He picks up where Fraser left off.] "I spoke exclusively to the new arrivals in their luxury hotel."
Moxey: In their what?!
Dennis: "They were evasive about their reasons for being in Spain, one of them claiming that they were members of the Wolverhampton Aqualung Society." [Looks at Barry, then back at the paper.] "Research has shown that no such club exists. Meanwhile, police continue their search for the gang who pulled off the daring payroll robbery in Sheffield last week." [The lads voice their disdain.]
Bomber: Who wrote that rubbish?
Dennis: Er... Nick Wheeler.
Oz: Wasn't that geezer who was buyin' all the booze in the bar the other neet called Nick?
Moxey: Aye, it was, yeah.
Fraser: Is this your idea of keeping a low profile?
Dennis: Why, that story's a load of bollocks!
Fraser: I know that, and I bet half of Fleet Street knows that, and in their effort to discredit this story they'll be down here buzzing 'round you like flies 'round a jam jar!
Neville: Well, why don't we just tell 'em we're ordinary gadgys?
Fraser: [Presses the paper to Neville's chest] Working on my villa, I suppose? Well that's precisely exactly what I'm trying to avoid, my friend!
Neville: Oh. Sorry.
Dennis: Wait a minute, I mean, we can still be ordinary gadgys. Just down here on holiday. We just have to make it look convincing, that's all.
Fraser: And how do we do that, Dennis?
Dennis: Well, er... you'd better give us the rest of the week off.

[Meanwhile, the Oxlades are reading the papers in their garden. Geoffrey sees the story.]

Geoffrey: Good heavens! Look at this. [Gives the paper to Pauline, who looks at the photo.]
Pauline: I'm not surprised. [Throws the paper onto the floor.] One only had to look at them.
Geoffrey: I sometimes wonder if Worthing wouldn't have been a better idea.

Law and Disorder[edit]

[Moxey returns to The Office, a bar for English tourists and ex-pats, after Barry's faux pas with Terry Leather...]

Moxey: Hello
Lionel: Oh, hello, mate. Where's the rest of your mob, then?
Moxey: Oh, er, they're on the beach. Could I have a lager, please?
Lionel: Ah, that's a shame. Look, I've given it place of honour on the wall. [Shows Moxey the photo and headline from the previous episode pinned to the wall behind the bar.]
Moxey: Oh, 'ey, we asked you not to do that. It's bloody embarrassin', y'know.
Leather: [From behind his copy of The Sun] You'll get used to it, son.
Moxey: Oh, hello, Mr. Leather.
Leather: [Puts the paper down] Oh. Terry, please. And you're, er..?
Moxey: Oh, er, Moxey. We didn't go courtin' that publicity, y'know.
Leather: I'm sure you didn't. None of us goes chasing newsprint, do we? But, you see, if you adjourn over here suddenly, leaving a few question marks behind, it's bound to happen, ain't it?
Moxey: Aye. S'pose so, yeah.
Leather: And also, Moxey, what you've got to remember is that these people... [Points to his paper] ...these so-called gentlemen of the press are, in fact, the scum of the earth. You wouldn't say hello to 'em on a lonely day.
Moxey: Very true, Terry. [Leather picks up his glass] 'Ere, what's that you're drinkin'? Er, Scotch, is it?
Leather: Yeah, cheers. [Finishes his Scotch] Malt.
Moxey: [To Lionel] Er, a malt for, er, Terry and, er, I'll have a lager, please.
Lionel: [To the barmaid] Jenny? Serve the gentleman, love.
Leather: You see, these people do not have one iota of respect for privacy of the individual. [Scoffs] Let me tell you, lad, Princess Di, Joan Collins and Hurricane Higgins? They've got my upmost sympathy for the intrustions that they incur.
Moxey: People always wanna have a got a you when you're famous, don't they?
Lionel: Yeah, some of those no-marks made a bob or two out of your exploits, eh, Tel?
Leather: Don't remind me! There was this geezer lived down our street in Ilford, see. Now, I have met that bloke twice, right? Once when I picked my little girl up from his kid's bonfire night party, and once when he borrowed my hovering lawnmower. Well, next thing I know, he's... he's managed to stretch these brief encounters into three instalments of "The Villain on My Doorstep"! [Chuckles]
Moxey: Aye, we certainly learnt our lesson. We're keepin' our heads down from now on.
Lionel: Ah, so you'll be staying down here for a bit, will you?
Moxey: Well, I think the others will be movin' on, like, y'know, but, er, I'm gonna stick around for a while, yeah.
Leather: You'll be needing a drum, then.
Moxey: You what? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Leather: Well, what you got in mind? A villa? Condo?
Moxey: Somethin' like that, yeah.
Leather: Listen, Moxey, anything you want, feel free. Investment advice, real estate, a new motor. I mean, we know a few people. D'you understand me?
Moxey: Thanks, Terry. Thanks very much. Actually, there is somethin' you could, er, help us out with, like.
Leather: Sure.
Moxey: Er, it might sound a bit soft, but er... don't know of any plasterin' jobs goin' round 'ere, d'you?
Leather: Now, hang on, you can't be short of a few bob, surely?
Moxey: No? No! It's just a way of, er... passin' the time, like.
Leather: Ah, I don't understand you Northern lads. Must be all that Hovis you eat!

[Oz, Wayne, Bomber and Barry are at the beach. Wayne tries, unsuccesfully, to chat up three topless ladies.]

Oz: [Shouts to Wayne] Oi-oi, London! What's happenin'? Owt you can't handle, send 'em up to me. [Wayne returns to the lads.]
Wayne: Not much joy out there, Oz. See, they're Norwgeian, ain't they, and you know what your only point of reference is when you're Norwegian, don't ya?
Oz: What's that?
Wayne: Open deck sarnie, ain't it?
Bomber: They're Danish.
Wayne: You what?
Bomber: Danish.
Wayne: Well, that's probably why they're a bit sticky, then, innit?

[The lads are approached by two journalists.]

Sid: Hello, lads!
Ronnie: Sorry to interrupt, but I can see you're busy.
Oz: Who are you?
Sid: [Pulls out a dictaphone] Have you lads got a few words to say to the press?
Oz: [Scoffs] Aye, yes. I've got two, and the second one's "off".
Bomber: Go on and beat it. We're in enough trouble because of you buggers.
Ronnie: We know about that, but we want to help you lads.
Wayne: Here, you wouldn't happen to know the Norwegian for "Can I get into your knickers?", would you? [Chuckles]
Sid: Look, the more you stall us, the more difficult it's gonna be for you in the end.
Oz: Look, look. [To Wayne] Gan have a swim. [Wayne walks off. To the journalists] Look, that rubbish in the papers wasn't true, right? It was a load of crap, alright? We're not bank robbers, man, for Christ's sake!
Ronnie: Lovely, we wanna believe that too, so we can write spoilers on that crap Nick Wheeler wrote.
Sid: So, just tell us who you really are and what you're doing here, and we'll all go home. [Holds his dictaphone right in Oz's face]
Oz: Just mind yer own business! [Shoves the dictaphone away.]
Ronnie: Hey, hey, you're not helping us, son!
Bomber: Look, boyos, what that bloke wrote was a load of cobblers. We know it, so why should we have to prove it to you?
Sid: So we can deny it on your behalf.
Wayne: [Returns] Oh yeah? So the other mob can deny it again, and erm, it's a vicious circle, innit?
Oz: 'Ere, I've had enough of these bastards! [Snatches the dictaphone from Douglas] I'm gonna bury them in the sand, head first, eh?
Ronnie: Hey, hold on, hold on.
Oz: Head first! [Takes the tape out of the dictaphone and throws it away, before throwing the dictaphone away.]
Ronnie: Here, hold on, son!
Oz: 'Ere? What?
Ronnie: We can always head back to England and write you up as holidaying scroungers from the dole queue!
Oz: [Menacingly] Can yer?
Sid: It's all right! It's all right, it'll probably take a day or two to realise it's all in your own... [Turns round and sees Bomber stood up and glaring down at him.] ...Come on, Ronnie! [The two journalists run away.]
Bomber: Remind me not to buy the English papers when I get home!

[In The Office, where Terry Leather has invited the lads for a drink. Oz and Barry are sat in a snug observing the punters.]

Barry: Incredible this place, innit? It's like Bermondsey transported to the Costa del Sol.
Oz: I was standin' at the bar there before getting the bevvies. A bloke comes up, says, "tooled up on yer last job, were ya, Geordie?" "Oh, aye, I had two trowels, a spirit level..." [Laughs, but notices Barry doesn't] He never laughed at it, neither.
Barry: Desperate people.
Oz: You can say that again. [Points out a group of women.] Look at these here. You can just tell by lookin' at them that they've spent the best part of their married life behind an ironing board in some poxy tower block, yer kna, husband in an' oot the nick all the time, but just manages to keep everything together with the promise of one big last job, and then it'll be off skiing, the sunshine, champagne. Yer kna, all that. And then it comes off, they gets here, and what do they dae? Recreate all the squalor they wanted to piss off from in the first place!
Barry: [Shakes his head] What a futile existence, eh? No need to work, but no real way of enjoying themselves, except from getting pissed and maudlin about London.
Oz: Fish oot of water, man, isnit?
Barry: I wonder what their kids do for schooling.
Oz: [Scoffs] God knas.
Barry: Perhaps their dads teach them. [They laugh.]
Oz: Oh, you can just imagine that, can't you? "All right, now, son, here's the question: If yer daddy and yer Uncle Terry and yer Uncle Arthur stick up an armoured car for half a million quid in the Mile End Road, how much does that leave them with each? And you can use yer fingers." [Chuckles]

[The two journalists from the beach are now at Fraser's villa, where they quiz Brenda and Christine]

Christine: We're not saying anything.
Sid: All we want to do, love, is clear the air. I mean, all this must be very embarrasing for you back home. Is it?
Christine: No. What's embarrassing is having to answer questions from people like you. Now, look, we didn't invite you in here, and we'd be very obliged if you'd kindly leave. [Dennis and Neville enter the villa.]
Dennis: Who the hell are you?
Sid: [Gets out of the armchair] It's all right, it's all right. Press.
Dennis: No, it's not all right! What are you doing here?
Neville: [To Brenda and Christine] Have they been asking you questions?
Brenda: We didn't tell them anything, Neville.
Sid: Neville Hope and Dennis Patterson. Is that right?
Neville: It's about the only thing you blokes have got right.
Ronnie: Oh, smarten up, son. We know you're not villains.
Sid: As we were saying to your ladies, all we want to do is clear the air, get at the truth.
Neville: Oh, howay, we might as well. Gan on, tell 'em, Dennis.
Dennis: Alright, I am Dennis Patterson, this is Neville Hope. We're brickies, we're from Newcastle and we're here on holiday. That's it. Come on. [Motions for the journalists to leave.]
Ronnie: And what about the rest of the gang?
Dennis: They're all bricklayers too. We met out in Germany a few years back, and er, this is like a reunion, innit?
Neville: Yeah.
Sid: Right, we'll need names and home addresses so the London desk can check out their backgrounds.
Dennis: Well, some of these addresses might be a bit vague. Let's see... There's erm, Mr. Osbourne, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Norris, Mr. Busbridge, and, er... what's the name of your mate, Nev, with the spotty face?

[At the hotel bar, a hungover Oz comes down for breakfast. He joins Bomber and Barry.]

Oz: [Head in hands] Dear me, I thought I'd ne'er thought I'd see the day I'd be glad I couldn't get a fry-up! [Coughs loudly. Moxey, also hungover, joins them. Oz laughs] Don Juan! [Barry stirs his coffee noisily.] D'yer have to do that? D'yer have to do that... so loud?
Barry: Ah, sorry. [Takes the spoon out and taps the top of his mug a few times. Oz winces.]
Bomber: Oh, what was that bloody stuff we were drinking last night?
Oz: Never mind what we were drinking, it was what them bastard groupies was guzzlin' in that done all the damage! [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money.] I've got about three pound left.
Moxey: Maybe we should rob a payroll wagon after all. [Carlos brings Moxey a coffee.]
Barry: That remark is in very poor taste, if you don't mind me saying so, Moxey. If it wasn't for people like you glamourising criminal activity, we wouldn't be pestered by the press, would we? Or exploited by those vacuous females last night.
Oz: That didn't stop ye stickin' yer heid in the door, did it? See if there was any exploitin' to be done, eh?
Bomber: Well, if we can't go out, and we can't stay in, there's not much point in being here, is there?
Barry: Nah. We're not tourists. We're not workers. We're trapped. We're in limbo!
Oz: They divvn't limbo here, man. They flamenco. [Chuckles, then coughs.]
Bomber: Barry's got a point though, eh? Leisure without graft has got a pretty hollow ring.
Moxey: Well, none of this is actually helping to decide what we're gonna do today though, is it? [Gets out of his chair to go to the breakfast buffet] Don't think I can face another day of sunlight, sangria... [Clutches his stomach] ...or food, either. [Carefully sits back down.]
Barry: I've just had an absolutely brilliant idea. Why don't we hire a couple of cars and hit the road? Eh? Toddle off down to Gibraltar, it's not far you know, border's open now. What do you think?
Bomber: There'd be cheap British beer, duty frees, and today's papers too.
Moxey: Papers are still a sore point, you know, Bomb.
Oz: Aye, g'wan, I'm up for it. I've alwayd wanted me photo taken with them... with them baboons.
Barry: Right... [Gets some money from his pocket.] Here is my contribution. I suggest you three pool your resources as well. I'll go and wake Wayne up. [Gets up.] If he's interested, I'll get a hire car brochure in Reception. [Leaves the bar.]
Oz: I wonder if they do a five-seater Porsche?

[Oz, Bomber and Wayne end up in the Marbella Club after accidentally following the wrong car there. Oz and Bomber enter the bar, where Ally and Vicky are sat on a soft, and the Oxlades are sat at another table.]

Fraser: Any thoughts on lunch, my petal?
Vicky: Well, your good mood's lasting surprisingly well. [Sees Oz and Bomber] Oh look, there's a couple of your lads!
Fraser: Oh, what in the name of God are they doing here? Just don't look at them! [Turns away] I don't want them coming over here.
Vicky: It's nice to see there's someone else yer ashamed of bein' seen with, as well as me(!)

[At the bar, Oz tries to get the barman's attention while he's on a cordless phone.]

Oz: Pepe? If yer can walk and walk at the same time, get a couple of beers oot the fridge.
Barman: [On the phone] Espera, te llamo en un segundo, yeah? (Hang on, I'll call you in a second, yeah?) [The Oxlades are shocked to see Oz and Bomber here. Pepe puts the phone done.] Yes, er... gentlemen?
Bomber: Two beers, matey, por favour.
Barman: Dos cervezas... [Gets two beers from under the counter]
Bomber: Gracias.
Oz: That's what he said.
Pauline: How they've got the brass neck to come in here, I do not know!
Geoffrey: [Clutching his Bloody Mary] I suppose it's their idea of fun to sport their ill-gotten gains in this manner.
Pauline: Geoffrey, are you going to do something?
Geoffrey: Yes, Pauline, I will. And I'm already composing a strong letter to The Times!
Oz: [To the barman] Any chance of getting them poured, or does that cost more in here? [The barman doesn't respond. He tills up, a lot of beeps come from the till.]
Bomber: I don't like the sound of that, Oz.
Barman: Will the gentlemen be staying for lunch?
Bomber: The gentlemen haven't decided yet.
Barman: In that case, if the gentlemen would be so kind. [Hands them their bill.]
Oz: [Checks the bill and burps.] What's this? We asked for two beers, man, not twenty-two!
Barman: The gentlemen are free to drink elsewhere if they wish.
Oz: [Digs into his pocket. He turns round as he does... and notices Fraser and Vicky] Oh, there's Fraser! [Fraser facepalms] Ally! Ally! [He gets up] All right? Is it all right if we stick these on your account?
Fraser: And, eh, what are you two tearaways doing here, eh?
Bomber: Acting like tourists, Mr. Fraser, on your orders.
Oz: But we could do with a sub, like, if you don't mind.
Fraser: [Getting some money out of his wallet] Well, just drink up and move on out before my reputation in Marbella is ruined. [Geoffrey confronts them.]
Geoffrey: Let me guess...
Fraser: Oh, no...
Geoffrey: Planning another bank robbery, are we?
Oz: Oh, I remember this prick!
Fraser Oh, for Christ's sake!
Geoffrey: Now look here, you may enjoy immunity from arrest in this country, but you are not immune from our contempt as decent British citizens!
Bomber: Careful, boyo, you're way off mark.
Geoffrey: Oh, am I? And I suppose the newspaper report was too?
Oz: I'm surprised that ye reading a rag like that! I usually keep that one wedged behind a pipe in the bog!
Bomber: [Stands up to Geoffrey] Yep, the matter's in the hands of our lawyers, see? And they'll be quite happy to take an action for slander as well.
Geoffrey: [Feeling threatened] I refuse to be intimidated by you. You may have wealth now, criminally acquired of course, but that doesn't entitle you to.. to.. to.. [loudly] strut around here! Even if you were invited.
Oz: Oh, I've had enough of this!
Fraser: It's all right, sir. They're just on the very point of leaving.
Oz: I'm not gannin naewhere! I'm not gannin naewhere, I'm talkin' about I've had enough of this bastard, Colonel Blimp! [To Geoffrey] Look, you, just suppose wor were bank robbers, right? At least wor crime's honest, isnit? It's up front at the end of a barrel where we get wor dough, whereas bastards like you, where do you get yours? On a balance sheet, or fiddlin' your friggin' income tax return!
Fraser: [Attempting to quietly leave with Vicky] I think we'll skip lunch, Vicky. [They are stopped by the barman.]
Barman Your friend by the pool, he has ordered champagne. Who's paying? [Oz burps as Fraser looks around, realises it's Wayne who's ordered, and rolls his eyes.]

[Later in the day, Fraser returns to the villa, where Neville is blowing bubbles with Debbie, and Dennis is sunbathing on a sun lounger.]

Dennis: Why do I all of a sudden get a dreadful feeling, Nev? Yer kna, like Oz is sticking pins in a Dennis Patterson doll.
Fraser: [Arrives on the sun terrace with a newspaper. He's very pissed off.] D'you know? Your boys are wasted in the building industry, Dennis! You ought to be organising military coups in a banana republic!
Dennis: What's the matter?
Neville: Has someone been in bother, like?
Fraser: Oh no, nothing like that, no. They've just spent half an hour slagging off some of the most influential members of Marbella society, of which I am no longer a member!
Dennis I thought it was a bit too good to last, like.
Fraser: Aye, well you can whistle 'em all back out now because your true and humble status has been revealed to a grateful nation! [Drops the paper beside Dennis.]
Dennis: Right, first thing in the morn, I'll get them back to work.
Fraser: No, I've got a better idea, Dennis. Let's have a night shift!

[The lads are in a bar]

Moxey: Go 'round to The Office? You sure that's a good idea now they know who we really are?
Bomber: Oh, I dunno. Ally said they'd still make us welcome. Apparently, they understood we're victims of a press smear. In fact, they symphathise with us.
Neville: Aye, might be some money in it for us, an' all. A few little jobs.
Barry: [Scoffs] Probably want us to double-glaze their houses with bulletproof glass.
Bomber: Don't suppose there'd be any harm in it. Nothing to lose now. Our stigmas have been cleansed.
Moxey: I'm not sure, y'know.
Neville: Howay, Mox, man! We didn't give your name to the paper! As far as Terry Leather or anybody else is concerned, you're still a man of mystery.

[On the way to The Office...]

Dennis: Right, lads. Listen, we'll just play it cool, right? See what they want, and if we don't like the smell of it, we'll politely decline. Okay? [Around the corner from The Office, they spot someone on the roof with a long-lens camera taking photos of them.]
Oz: Oh, another bloody journalist! [The lads rush through a door and confront the photographer. Oz snatches the camera]]
Dennis: Just... calm down! [Oz doesn't listen, he throws the camera off the roof.]
Oz: [To the 'photographer'] When are you bastards gonna stop pickin' on wor, eh?
Moxey: Yeah! Why don't yer leave us alone, you shifty sod? We ain't done nuthin'!
Dennis: Which particular comic do you work for, anyway? [The 'photographer' takes out his Metropolitan Police ID badge]
British Detective: Shall we say the Police Review?
Oz: [Takes the ID badge and examines it.] What, you're the Old Bill, are ya?
British Detective: Scotland Yard Surveillance Squad. And if this wasn't Spain, Albert Arthur Moxey, alias Brendan Mulcahy, arsonist and absconder, your arse would be well and truly nicked!

For Better or Worse[edit]

[Vicky arrives to pick up Dennis and Christine while the lads are hard at work on the pool. Wayne momentarily stops work to get a glance of Vicky, but Bomber steps in his line of vision...]

Bomber: Off limits, boyo.
Wayne: Oh, I'm not so sure, Bomb. I mean, at Ally's party, you know, in Geordieland, I definitely got a flash off that one.
Bomber: You mess around with her and bollocks it up for the rest of us, you'll have more than a flash off me, Wayne!
Wayne: Eh? Don't sermonise me, Bomb! You're not past a bit of lechery yourself. I saw you the other night, down the casino. Two young travel agents from Preston, eh? [Chuckles]
Bomber: Nothin' I did with them is gonna come back on us lot. [Quiet for sternly] Off limits!
Vicky: [Now on the terrace] Mornin', lads.
Moxey: [Hard at work on the tiling in the pool with Neville] Hello.
Neville: How do.
Dennis: [Stops what he's doing] Right, I'll not be long.
Vicky: [Inspecting the lads' work] Eee, mind, this place is comin' on. You'll be finished here soon.
Oz: [Chucking rocks from the deep end to the terrace] Aye, we divvn't hang aboot, us lot, yer kna.
Vicky: Er... what are you ganna do when the job's finished, Oz?
Oz: Me? I don't kna. S'pose I'll have to gan back and... face the grim reality of Margaret Thatcher's Britain. [Has a swig of his beer.] Unless your Ally coughs up a finishin' bonus, like. Then I can postpone it... for a week.
Vicky: An', er... take off somewhere, like?
Oz: Ah, well, me an' Barry had planned tae have a slow tovy back through France. But now with his, yer kna, fiancée, we've had to give La Français the big E, so to speak. So, I'll be on me own, as usual.
Barry: I'm... very sorry if my personal affairs have intruded on your plans, Oz(!)
Oz: Not my plans, pal. You were the one that wanted to gan an' see the shite hooses of the Loire.
Barry: Chateaux, Oz.
Vicky: 'Ey, I've always fancied San Tropez, meself. I think there's more nightlife. An', I mean, well, it's more sophisticated than this, like, isn'it?
Moxey: Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely. Give me San Tropez every time!

[Vicky, Christine and Dennis go to pick tiles...]

Vicky: [Looking at a couple of samples] Which one do you think, Chris?
Christine: Well, it is your villa, after all, Vicky.
Vicky: Oh, I know, but you've got a flair for this sort of thing, an' that's what I wanted you to come.
Salesman: Es doble mas caro que éste. (That one costs twice as much as the other.)
Vicky: What's he sayin'?
Christine: He says that one's twice as expensive as that. [Pointing to the two samples]
Dennis: [Motioning behind him] There's plenty more to choose from, yer kna.
Vicky: No, no. Me mind's made up. It's between these two.
Christine: Well, if it was up to me, I would go for this one - the more traditional design. But that is the expensive one.
Vicky: Oh, I'm not bothered about that, I mean, it's Ally's money.
Dennis: That's the one, then, is it?
Vicky: Aye, I'm adamant. I'll have that one. [Points to her choice.]
Dennis: Right. I'll do the business, okay. [Dennis goes inside with the salesman.]
Vicky: [Looking at more samples] I wonder if I should tile the barbecue area. What do you think?
Christine: Hmm? Oh, I don't know, Vicky. I really don't know. [Sits on a bench] But I'm sure the villa is going to be absolutely exquisite once it's finished.
Vicky: [Unenthusiastically] Hmmm... [Sits next to Christine]
Christine: [Picking up on this...] You don't sound very enthusiastic.
Vicky: Oh, it'd be all right if it was just for the odd week.
Christine: What d'you mean?
Vicky: Oh, Chris, I've got nobody to confide in. That's why I'm pleased you're here. I mean, Ally never tells me anythin', but even I can put 2 and 2 together. He's been really tetchy recently, an' there's been all these late night phone calls, and now his solicitor's turned up. You can bet Hallwood's not down here for a tan.
Christine: What are you saying, Vicky?
Vicky: I'm sayin' we might be down here for good.
Christine: Oh? Well, if it does come to that, there are worse places to live.
Vicky: Ah, I kna it's got everything, I mean, the climate and the Mediterranean, an' we get all English television flown over on video. But... Chris, I'd die if I thought I was never goin' to see Newcastle again!

[The lads take a break in the midday sun. Most of them sit in the shadows of the pool. Barry sits on the side of the pool clutching an umbrella]

Neville: [Fanning himself with his hat] I envy Den, me. At this moment, he'll be sittin' in an English pub, murderin' an English pint.
Moxey: You're a strange bloke, you are, Nev. Ever since I've known you, you've always wanted to be someplace else. There's people down here paid a fortune to enjoy this hot Spanish sunshine.
Bomber: Yeah, well he'd rather be drinking warm ale in some manky pub in Gateshead.
Moxey: Yeah, but if he was there, then he'd wish he was here.
Wayne: [Still smarting from being carried off by Bomber while in mid-conversation with Vicky the previous night] I reckon that Bomber's on Ally's payroll. Acting like my naffing chaperone. I was on with that Vicky last night, I'm sure I was.
Oz: Look, obviously the lass has problems, reet? Obviously, she's vulnerable that this point in time. Even to your transparent overtures. But it's not gonna do us much good, is it? An' it's not gonna do the lass much good if ye leap on her bones!
Wayne: Oh, I see. So you've joined the moral majority, have you?
Oz: What is it with you, eh? I mean, yer nuts aren't gonna gan rusty down here, are they? I mean you've got Spanish boilers, French tarts, German tarts, Swedish tarts, Danish tarts, British tarts... I mean, from Málaga to Gibraltar, it's wall-to-wall totty. So why Vicky, eh? Is it the danger? Does the thought of gettin' yer knees shattered give yer a great big bonk on or summat?
Neville: [Gets out of his deckchair and puts his hat on] Right, lads. Shouldn't we be gettin' back to work?
Moxey: What's all this? Are you deputy gaffer, or what?
Neville: No, it's just if we start a bit early, we can finish a bit early. Get a few jars in.
Moxey: Aye, right. [Gets off the cooler he's been sat on. Bomber also gets up.]
Barry: Oh, by the way, the drinks are on Haze tonight. She's asked me, like, to ask you, to join us for cocktails at the Hollywood Bar in the port.
Moxey: 'Ey! Well done, Barry, you cracked it! What a strike, kid!
Barry: What are you talkin' about?
Moxey: Barry an' Hazel invite us for cocktails. If any of you know cause, or just im-p-p-pediment ye are to declare it.
Barry: Gerroff, Moxey.
Wayne: Don't be coy, son. An announcement is obviously imminent.
Neville: Yeah. Good lad, Barry. Have you got a date yet?
Barry: Look, I'm not getting engaged! Right? It's just that Hazel won some money at the casino last night and she wants us to celebrate.
Oz: How much?
Barry: Oh, er... £500, thereabouts.
Bomber: Blow me. She's an heiress! I'd shut the gate on that one if I were you!

[Ally Fraser is on the phone to Malcolm Hallwood after Dennis doesn't come back on the scheduled flight with a briefcase full of documents and a suitcase containing "clothes"]

Fraser: Well, tell [Big] Baz to look for Dennis's mother's house, you check out his friends, his neighbours...
Vicky: [Exits the bathroom] Can I take the car, Ally?
Fraser: [To Vicky] Just take whatever you like, just get lost, will ya! [Upset, Vicky takes the car keys and exits the hotel suite as Dennis enters, unknown to Fraser]
Hallwood: Ally... Ally, Dennis is a family man. He has kids here. He's not gonna do a runner with your money. Don't panic!
Fraser: Don't tell me not to panic, pal! If Dennis is picked up at an airport then it's my nuts that are in the wringer! [Slams the phone down]
Dennis: Good morning!
Fraser: Where in Jesus' name have you been?
Dennis: Got the first flight out this morning.
Fraser: Oh, ya did, did ya? What, you had a night out on the town? I've been down at the airport for two hours while you were out doing the strip clubs of Soho!
Dennis: No, no, no, I was detained by two gentlemen of the Customs.
Fraser: ...You were? Did they give you a good going over, Dennis?
Dennis: Oh aye, they certainly did, yeah.
Fraser: What did they say?
Dennis: Well, er, eventually they said "We're very sorry that you been incovenienced, Mr. Patterson".
Fraser: [Chuckles] Oh, Dennis... [Pats Dennis on the chest before closing the door to the suite] "Very sorry you've been inconvenienced, Mr. Patterson", that's terrific. [Takes the suitcase and puts it on the coffee table. He opens it... and finds nothing but clothes inside.] Don't fart me around, Dennis!
Dennis: Don't fart you around?! You set me up to bring a bag of undeclared illegal currency out of the country! You put my chopper on the block, pal!
Fraser: Did they find it?
Dennis: Well if they had, I wouldn't be here, would I?
Fraser: Oh, I see. So you opened this case before you left home?
Dennis: It's a good job I did, isnit! You must think I'm a right wanker. Look, I knew I wasn't sent back to Newcastle to bring you back some documents! Somethin' heavy's comin' down on you, pal. It couldn't happen to a nicer fella(!)
Fraser: That slag Vicky's been shouting her mouth off...
Dennis: Just leave Vicky out of this, you brought this on yourself, man!
Fraser: Where is my money, Dennis?
Dennis: Oh, it's safe, less a few quid I've taken out to bump meself up to club class.
Fraser: Oh... Dennis, Dennis... The reason I didn't level with you is because I reckon that what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. I didn't want you going through Customs with the old ticker pounding and the old blood pressure shooting up through the roof.
Dennis: Oh it's nice to know you had my best interests at heart(!)
Fraser: Dennis, the reason I sent you is a reflection of my trust. [Pours two Scotches] We've worked together for a long time, you and me, eh? A Scotch do ya?
Dennis: Look, I'm about to jack all this in, right? And that 25 grand, that's like my warranty.
Fraser: Are you laying down terms, Dennis?
Dennis: I am, actually, yeah. First off, you hold the deeds to my wife's house. I'd be obliged if Hallwood sent them back to me bank, right? Secondly, as you're about to become an exile out here, I'm a bit concerned about the lads. I mean, your assets might get tied up for a bit. So that money is guaranteed their full whack, generous bonuses and their air fares back home.
Fraser: ...Anything else?
Dennis: No... Oh yeah, If I see Vicky with so much as a broken fingernail... you'll never see the balance.

Quo Vadis Pet[edit]

[The lads' work is nearly done. Oz, Bomber and Moxey drink late into the night at the hotel bar...]

Carlos: Soon, er... you finish work here?
Moxey: Next week. Why?
Carlos: My wife will be very happy.
Bomber: What's your wife got to do with anything?
Carlos: Before you come here, I close bar early. 11.30, maybe midnight. Now, I go home at 2-3 o'clock. She think I have another woman.
Oz: Oh, well, not to worry, nearly finished. [They finish their beers]
Carlos: Good. [Goes into the back to get the screen for the bar]
Oz: Whoa, whoa! What yer' daein', man? I'm not talkin' aboot here, I'm talkin' about the site! Put that back. Look, we'll have three Fundadors and three San Miguels. [Despondent, Carlos puts the screen back.] Wouldn't mind another top-up. [Pulls several notes out of his pocket and gives one to Carlos] Here.
Moxey: [Picking up a few ticket] What are these? You been down the dry cleaners or what?
Oz: Nah, it's some lottery tickets, man.
Bomber: He's been buying those since the first day we got here.
Moxey: Have you?
Oz: Aye. Big prizes, yer kna.
Carlos: [As he serves the brandy] In thirteen years I win nothing.
Moxey: What would you do if you did win, Carlos?
Carlos: [Sighs] I buy my own bar, and I close every night at eleven. [Oz scoffs]
Moxey: What would you do, Oz?
Oz: Oh, I'd see ye all reet.
Moxey: Oh, a new passport?
Oz: Well, aye, if I had a small touch, but I thought if I hit the jackpot you could have a new face.
Moxey: 'Ey! I've lived with this face for a long time, y'know!
Oz: Well, I'm not denigratin' yer looks or nowt! I just thought, yer kna, a bloke like a fugitive from justice could do with a new face, that's all.
Moxey: Oh! Oh, I see, yeah. Maybe a new nose.
Oz: Aye?
Moxey: Well Sting had his done, didn't he? [Oz pinches Moxey's nose for a second] I must say, it's a definite improvement.
Bomber: I'd get those ears fixed at the same time, if I were you.
Moxey: What's wrong with my ears?
Oz: Then, I think, er, I'd buy me mother a little bungalow, yer kna, so she wouldn't have to traipse up and doon the stairs an' that. And then, I think I'd have a tovy doon to the boat builders, get mesel' a little yacht.
Moxey: Oh, aye?
Oz: I could race Kenny Ames up and doon to Gib an' back, couldn't I?
Moxey: [Chuckles] 'Ey, what d'you reckon, y'know, about Kenny Ames offerin' Barry his yacht an' invitin' us scruffs aboard?
Oz: Ah, well, he just likes wor, doesn'he?
Moxey: Why?
Bomber: Because he's lonely. All these villains here get like that. He'd probably give twenty grand to walk down the East End and buy a newspaper.
Oz: Aye. [To Moxey] Think that's ganna happen to ye when we piss off?
Moxey: Dunno. I mean, I'll miss you lot. That's only natural, though, isn't it? But I've been on me own before, y'know. Been on me own since I was about three. Anyway, I've got this idea. I met this bloke the other day down the port.
Bomber: Now you wants to be very careful about blokes you meet by the port! [The phone at the bar rings. Carlos goes to answer it.]
Moxey: 'Ey, he's alright, Bomb, he was a Canadian. Anyway, he was tellin' us, y'know, he's been workin' his way 'round the Med, crewin' on yachts an' that. I fancy that. Y'know, deck hand or steward for some Greek tycoon. It'd be great.
Oz: I'd get yer snout done first.
Carlos: [At the phone] Señor Osbourne, it's for you.
Oz: For me?
Moxey: Who the hell's givin' you a bell at this time of night?
Oz: [Getting up] Buggered if I kna.
Bomber: Probably the, er, lottery people, Oz.
Oz: Oh, aye? Some hope of that, isn't there? [Takes the phone] Hello? Hello... Oh, aye. Hello... Dick?

[At the other end of the line, it's Vicky at her suite at the Marbella Club]

Vicky: Oh, you're not alone?
Oz: Me? No, no, it's all reet, it's all reet.
Vicky: I thought you might be there.
Oz: Aye, well it's a fair bet. What's up?
Vicky: Well, I just wanted to talk, y'know. I feel a bit down, bein' on me own all evening. I just wish I knew where I was. I wish I could see yer.
Oz: Er... Well, it might be a bit dicey, that, like.
Vicky: Well, he's goin' out tomorrow night. I mean, maybes we could go somewhere.
Oz: Ah, well, we might have to work late, like, yer kna, to make up for... we're ganna have some time off for Barry's wedding, like.

[Fraser opens the door to the suite.]

Vicky: He's back. I'll have to go. Ta-ra. [Puts the phone down. Fraser enters the room, looking a little tired.]
Fraser: Who were you talking to?
Vicky: [Clears her throat.] Oh, I was just phoning La Mesa to see if you were still there.
Fraser: I never went there.
Vicky: Yeah, that's what they said. Where've you been, then?
Fraser: Business.
Vicky: Oh... well you might've said, instead of leavin' us here all night. I mean I could've stayed up at the villa with the others.
Fraser: [Scoffs] The others? Why would you want to waste your time on a bunch of no-hopers like that for? Do ya think a bricklayer's gonna take you to the Marbella Club?
Vicky: I meant like the couples. I mean that Dennis, he's...
Fraser: Him especially! I don't want you talking to him, I don't even want you mentioning his name!
Vicky: But he's your man, Ally.
Fraser: Not anymore! Let me tell you that when the moment is right, Patterson has got his coming to him, and don't you go shouting your mouth off about that to his girlfriend Christine or whatever her name is.
Vicky: Well, I wouldn't.
Fraser: Oh, wouldn't you? So it wasn't you who mentioned that I might be staying down here permanently?
Vicky: No... well, I might've mentioned somethin' casual...
Fraser: Don't!
Vicky: Well, are you?
Fraser: That's my concern.
Vicky: Oh, is that right? [Gets up from the settee] Well don't you think it's my concern as well? I mean, if you're decidin' to live down here for good, don't you think I've got the right to voice an opinion?
Fraser: Look, Vicky, about the only place I've ever heard you voicing an opinion is in a boutique between this frock and the other one.
Vicky: [Getting upset] Well, you can't expect me to stay down here, never to go home an' see me family an' me friends?
Fraser: Oh, sorry, sorry, I realise I'm being very selfish(!) I realise all this can't be good enough for you(!) God almighty, how you must ache for the scenic splendour of that council estate in South Shields(!) [On the verge of tears, Vicky storms into the bedroom, followed by Fraser] How you must miss queueing in the supermarket for the baked beans and the Bounty bars and all the other exotic Friday nights down the club with the other scrubbers!
Vicky: [Turns round, screaming] You're a bastard, Ally, an' I'd rather go back there than take this!
Fraser: [Threateningly] Oh, no, you don't leave me. When you leave me is because I kick your arse out of here! [In a rage, Vicky picks up a bottle of cologne to use as a weapon, but Fraser overpowers her, pushing the bottle into the bedroom mirror, breaking both.]

[The following day, the lads are hard at work to get the pool done.]

Barry: [Turning off the cement mixer] Fellas, could I just interrupt proceedings for a moment, please?
Dennis: 'Ey, we've got a lot to do, yer kna, Barry.
Barry: [Climbing to the sun terrace] It won't take a minute, it's something I'd just like to get settled, please. [The lads down tools and gather.] See, I, er... I didn't sleep very much last night. No, I agonised...
Oz: It's not off again, is it? 'Cos I've already rung Mercedes, yer present's comin' on Tuesday.
Barry: No, no, no... it is to do with the wedding, mind.
Bomber: I thought it might be.
Barry: Ah. You see, fellas, I've got to choose a best man from one of you, like, and the thing is that I'm very, very concerned about not upsettinh the other unlucky five. You see... I've grown very close to all of you collectively, and each of you individually. I thought of you, first, Oz.
Oz: Me?
Barry: Think about it. A few wet Sunday nights in Port Stanley. That can forge a bond, can't it? [Everyone else except Oz chuckles]
Oz: Whoa, hold on, hold on. Let's get one thing straight. When he says we forged a bond, it never went nae further than a couple of pints and a game of darts, yer kna.
Barry: Nevertheless, Oz, you're still a contender. Bomber and Dennis... Ah-ha-ha. Difficult to separate in my mind. Both men have similar virtues. Ah-ha-ha. Anchors. Men of substance. Yeah. Best man material if I've ever seen it. Much the same could be said for Neville. Oh, d'you know in all the times we've known each other I cannot recall one cross word ever exchanged between the two of us.
Neville: Bollocks!
Barry: And your ready wit is something I've always admired about you.
Moxey: His ready what?
Barry: Moxey... it has to be said, that as of from this morning, Ladbrokes had you down as 33-1 outsider.
Moxey: I'd have given it longer odds than that.
Barry: But then, I thought to meself, "No, in Germany, Moxey and me, we were the outsiders. We weren't in the Geordie mafia." And it took a little while before we won the respect and affection of the other lads.
Wayne: I get it. A bit like Miss World, ain't it, eh? Eliminate all the runners-up before you give me the sash.
Barry: [Chuckles] Wayne... yes. You and me... poles apart in so many ways. But, nobody else has offered me more advice than you. Not always taken, not always wanted.
Oz: Overtime tonight, Dennis?
Dennis: Ho'way, Barry, the suspense is killing wor!
Barry: Very well, very well. I'll come to the point, then. [The lads cheer ironically] I couldn't decide. [The lads groan] I thought the fairest thing to do... is to draw straws. The short one wins.

[As Barry heads to the lads to hand out straws, a disshevelled and irritable Fraser appears on the sun terrace]

Fraser: What is it this time? A union meeting, is it?

[Inside, Dennis goes over the invoices with Fraser in the hallway...]

Dennis: I've been sorting through the invoices. You're gonna have to settle with the local trade, yer kna, before the job's finished.
Fraser: Oh, it will be finished, will it?
Dennis: What's that supposed to mean?
Fraser: Well, in the light of our current relationship, Dennis, it wouldn't surprise me at all if you told 'em all not to bother. You do have me over the proverbial barrel.
Dennis: Look, the lads came out here to do a job. The situation between you and me, that's got nowt to do with it.
Christine: [Entering the hallway] Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to ask something.
Dennis: What's that, love?
Christine: It's Vicky. She was meant to be coming to take Brenda and I to a ceramics factory to buy a wedding present. She hasn't turned up and I can't seem to get through to her.
Fraser: She's probably left the phone off the hook, she wasn't feeling too well this morning, Christine. I wouldn't, er, wouldn't bank on seeing Vicky today, love.
Christine: Really? Oh... Well, perhaps Brenda and I will just pop into town, then. I'll see you later. [She leaves.]
Fraser: I don't see you making any bloody deadlines with this wedding hanging over your heads.
Dennis: Look, if we take time off on Wednesday, we'll make it up on Saturday. It might surprise you that my lads take great pride in their work. Your job'll be done on time and under budget, I guarantee it.

[Barry gets cold feet about holding the wedding aboard Kenny Ames' yacht and postpones it until he's back in England. As this throws a spanner in the works for Fraser's plan to bring in cash from Switzerland via Tangiers, Fraser invites Barry to meet him at a restaurant in the port...]

Fraser: [As Barry arrives in Fraser's open top BMW driven by a chauffeur] Barry, son. Very glad you could join me. [Opens the car door. Barry gets out, still in his work clothes.]
Barry: [Shaking Fraser's hand] It's my pleasure. [The driver leaves. Fraser gestures to Barry to take a seat.]
Fraser: Like a little of this, or something just a little bit stronger? [Gets a bottle of wine out of a wine bucket]
Barry: Oh, no, that's lovely. Thank you very much. [Fraser pours Barry a glass of wine] That's lovely. Thank you very much. [Remembers that he's still wearing his sun plaster and rips it off. He and Fraser laugh.] I forgot abou that.
Fraser: You know, Barry, I love the port at this time of day. I love that light, the sound of the wind in the rigging, the shadow of the masts on the water...
Barry: Yes. Yes, it's... it's lovely, innit? It's very, er... picturesque. I just wish I'd had a chance to put on some fresh clothes, that's all. [They laugh.]
Fraser: Oh, Barry, son. Barry... Do you know, I owe you a lot.
Barry: Do you?
Fraser: Oh, yes. 'Cos you're the person that brought all these blokes together. If that hadn't happened, they wouldn't be here working for me now, would they?
Barry: Yes... Yes, I suppose you're right.
Fraser: We're the employers, you and me. The managerial class, so to speak. And I think that is what separates us from the others. Not that I want to disparage the other lads in any way whatsoever.
Barry: No, no. Just that running your own business does cause different burdens, of course.
Fraser: Exactly. [Gets a couple of cigars out of a case] D'you use these?
Barry: [Taking one] Ta very much. [Fraser offers his lighter] I'll, er... smoke it later, if you don't mind. [Puts the cigar into his hat.]
Fraser: Sure. [Signals for a guitar player to come over.] Now, Barry, the reason why I persuaded Kenny to lend you his yacht...
Barry: I didn't know that was your idea.
Fraser: Och, I didn't want to make a fuss about it at the time. No, the reason was, because I know how much that would have meant to me at your age. And I see an awful lot of me in you. But, you know, now I hear that you've changed your mind.
Barry: Yes, well, it was a... a very agonising decision, Ally.
Fraser: I know why you made that decision and I respect you for it. It's the old working class guilt. The ties that bond.
Barry: In a way.
Fraser: Look, Barry, son, Barry. People like you and me... we've risen above that struggle against the odds and we shouldn't be ashamed of it. You cannae let your roots shackle you forever. You've got to be looking forward. And now... your only allegiance is to that lovely Hazel. And in my opinion, my very, very humble opinion, it is your duty to give her a day that she will remember for the rest of her life.

[Back at the hotel bar...]

Oz: Look, Barry, if the wedding's on again, fine, everybody's happy for you, right. But divvn't stand there tryin' to tell wor that Ally Fraser's some sorta prince amongst men, for Christ's sake.
Barry: [Smoking the cigar while Hazel sips on a cocktail] Ah, it's just that I'd never really sat down and conversed with the man, had I? I mean, I'd always accepted your lot's opinion of him of being some sort of monster. But you speak as you find, and I happened to find him very charming and very civilised.
Hazel: I'm thrilled he persuaded Barry because I'm over the moon!
Barry: We've decided to have a little party for family and friends when we get back, haven't we?
Moxey: Why?
Hazel: It just seems the best of both worlds, really.
Moxey: No, I meant why would Fraser take all this trouble over you two?
Barry: [Offended] Oh, that's charming(!) Thanks very much(!)
Moxey: No, I didn't mean it like that.
Bomber: It does seem a bit queer.
Moxey: I meant is he payin' for the food an' the booze an' that?
Barry: Of course not!
Hazel: We wouldn't hear of it!
Barry: That's comin' out of my pocket, that is.
Moxey: Mind you, if you took the boat out far enough, all the ale would be duty free, wouldn't it?
Oz: Don't be a dickhead, man, Moxey. You've still gotta buy it at the offie.
Moxey: Oh, aye, yeah. Yeah, I forgot about that.
Bomber: Well, I think the odds of you being best man have lengthened even further, Moxey.
Barry: Ah, that reminds me that little problem's still got to be resolved, hasn'it? First thing tomorrow, we'll draw straws again.
Oz: Nah, count me out of that, thank you. [He, Moxey and Bomber finish their drinks]
Bomber: Me too.
Moxey: Yeah, I'm not keen, neither. [They head for the exit]
Barry: What's up with you lot?
Oz: Fly yer cousin Martin down, why don't yer, eh? [Oz, Bomber and Moxey leave the bar.]
Barry: [To Hazel] Oh dear. No matter how hard you try, Hazel, you always end up offending somebody, don't you?

[Fraser returns to the villa one last time to settle accounts with Dennis...]

Fraser: I'm gonna be away for a few days, Dennis, so I'm leaving you some signed cheques to take care of those unpaid bills that you mentioned.
Dennis: Oh, you still trust us then, do yer?
Fraser: Oh, I'd like to use your nuts for golf balls, Dennis, but yes, I still trust you. [Signs the cheques]
Dennis: Aye, well there'll be no crap lyin' around when you get back. We'll clean up the entire area.
Fraser: Oh, you're nothing if not thorough. Now, about your lads' recompensation...
Dennis: That's all reet. I'll handle that.
Fraser: Oh?
Dennis: That money of yours I'm holdin'. I'll pay 'em out of that. Salary, overtime, bonuses as agreed. I'll post you an itemised statement accounting for every penny.
Fraser: And the balance. The balance of my money.
Dennis: Where would you like it?
Fraser: Oh, it's that simple, is it?
Dennis: Yeah. I've got it, you want it. I await your instructions. [Heads off to go back to work, but stops.] Oh... By the way, I'll be holding back about three grand.
Fraser: Ah, that's your wee bonus, is it?
Dennis: No, that's the approximate cost of six air tickets back here, plus bed and board.
Fraser: Sorry, Dennis, I don't follow you there.
Dennis: Ah, well you will in a minute. Just supposin' I'm leavin' the pub one dark night and two of your boneheads decide to take me round the back, right? Or supposing... somebody puts a brick through me ex-wife's window, or puts the frighteners on me girlfriend... or me kids. I'm ganna need that cash, aren't I? So, me an' the lads, we can come back here, take apart everything we've built for you, and then after that... take you apart.
Fraser: [Lost for words] Oh, Dennis... you know, a bloke like you could've had a job with me for life.

[Oz drives to the Marbella Club to see Vicky. He enters the suite.]

Oz: Vicky? [He goes into the bedroom, which has been trashed. He sees Vicky sobbing on the bed, surrounded by all her clothes which Fraser slashed] What's gan on in here, eh?
Vicky: [Tearfully] I tried to leave him, Oz, but I can't! I'm scared!

[Oz goes into the bathroom and steps on some broken glass. The bathroom has been trashed, with all of Vicky's make-up thrown in the toilet, bath and sink. On the bathroom mirror, written in lipstick, are the words "Geordie scrubbers don't leave me!" Furious, he drives back to Fraser's villa, where Barry and Neville are working on the sun terrace]

Oz: Where is he, eh?
Neville: Who?
Oz: His mate, man. [Points to Barry] Fraser. Where is he?
Barry: He's not my mate, I simply said that...
Oz: Ahh... Where is he? [Storms into the villa where Dennis is doing the paperwork] Where's Fraser?
Dennis: He's gone. Why?
Oz: Why? Why? 'Cos I'm gonna smash his bastard face right through that floor, that's why! [Bangs the table and knocks Dennis's mug over spilling coffee all over the paperwork] I divvn't care who he is or what his reputation is!
Dennis: What's gan on here, like? What's the matter, like?
Oz: He might be rich an' have muscle, and punters like us lickin' his arse, but that doesn't allow him to dae what he's doin' with Vicky! He smashed the bastard flat up, ripped all her clobber to shreds, you should'ha seen what he wrote on the bathroom mirror!
Dennis: I thought you were supposed to be pickin' up tiles!
Oz: Never mind bastard tiles! [Neville comes in] They might have slaves over the water in Morocco, but this is Spain, right? She's British! I'm not gonna stand aboot while he treats her like a piece of shite! I'm tellin' yer!
Neville: [To Dennis] What's this about?
Dennis: It's Vicky.
Oz: Yes, Vicky.
Neville: Since when? [To Dennis] Did you know about this?
Dennis: It's the first I've heard.
Oz: Yes, well, I didn't put an advert in the local paper, yer kna. I have got some sense of discretion.
Neville: The first I've heard.
Oz: Look, where is he?
Dennis: He's gone to the airport.
Oz: The airport? Right, I'll get him there. [Starts to leave]
Dennis: By the time you get there, he'll be well away, man.
Oz: Look, you're not gonna stop us!
Dennis: Look, just calm down, will ya! [Brenda comes downstairs]
Brenda: You've woken the bairn! What's going on, Neville?
Dennis: Brenda, can we just have a quiet word?
Brenda: A quiet word, Dennis. [Goes back upstairs]
Dennis: Look, man, by the time you get to the airport, he's gan be halfway across the Mediterranean, isn't he?
Oz: Is he?
Neville: If he's done off, where does that leave us?
Dennis: We're taken care of. [To Oz] Look, I've hurt him much more than you ever could.
Oz: Oh, you have? How's that, like? How ya done that?
Dennis: Right, just come and sit doon, I've got summat to tell ya. Come here. Sit down [They sit at the table] Now listen, this goes no further than us three. That's all, right? No further, right?
Oz: Yes, yes, right, right. What?
Dennis Right, when I went back to Newcastle last week, right? I was supposed to pick up some documents. That was just a pretext. Hallwood wanted us to bring this bag back here. I had me doubts about it, so I opened it.
Neville: What was in it?
Dennis: Cash. [Lights a cigarette] Tryin' to smuggle readies doon here, used me as his mule!
Neville: Aye, that's risky.
Dennis: It was, man! I got turned over at the airport!
Oz: What happened to the cash?
Dennis: Oh, I hid the cash, see, in Newcastle in a safe place.
Oz: Ah, before ya left? Sound. Good thinking. How much was in it, the bag?
Dennis: 25 grand.
Oz: What?!
Dennis: 25 grand! So don't worry about yer wages, man, I've got Ally by the bollocks, man!
Oz: 25 grand?
Dennis: Aye!
Oz: Christ, you pulled a flanker there, Den!
Neville: Absolutely amazing!
Dennis: So look, no matter how you're feeling like, man, just forget aboot it. Everything's alright! Okay?
Oz: Oh aye, aye. Cool.
Dennis: Well, let's get back to work, eh?
Oz: Aye! [Oz and Dennis get up]
Neville: Hang on, I've got a question here. [Oz and Dennis sit back down]
Dennis: What's that?
Neville: How long's this thing with Vicky been gannin on?

[The lads finish their job on Fraser's pool. They are joined by Christine, Vicky, Hazel, Debbie and Brenda, who lays the final piece of paving with Neville's assistance. Everyone claps and cheers]

Brenda: Did I do it right?
Neville: Hasn't fallen out yet, pet!
Dennis: Right, my Lords, ladies and gentlemen, fellow brickies. We are here at the completion of another shining example of British workmanship. I'm sure if our, er, gracious benefactor Mr. Fraser was with us... [The lads boo and jeer] ...he'd want us to celebrate the matter in the usual way. [Takes a swig from his beer bottle before throwing it away, salutes and jumps into the pool. The other lads follow suit. Even non-swimmer Bomber jumps in.]

[Back at the hotel bar, Bomber, Oz, Vicky and Moxey have a drink together...]

Bomber: If Barry doesn't show up, I'm pushin' off.
Oz: Are you still seeing that lass who works in the cloakroom at the casino?
Bomber: ...I am that.
Oz: [Chuckles] You must've put a few pesetas in her saucer, eh?
Moxey: 'Ey, I bet you have!
Vicky: Look, here they are. [Barry and Hazel enter the bar.]
Oz: Hello.
Barry: Sorry we're late. Shouldn't have lingered after that pudding.
Hazel: I think I'll go straight up, Barry.
Barry: All right. [He and Hazel kiss, while all at the table make encouraging noises.]
Hazel: Goodnight, everybody
Barry: Won't be long, darling. [Exits for her room.]
Moxey: You're not supposed to do it the night before the wedding. It's bad luck, isn't it?
Oz: It certainly was for me.
Barry: [Pulling up a chair] Where's everyone else? I thought we agreed to rendezvous for a nightcap.
Oz: Ahhh, they've nashed off. Den and Nev went aboot an hour ago.
Vicky: They didn't want to leave the girls alone.
Barry: Wayne's down the port, is he, looking for tarts?
Oz: Well, yer kna what he's like. Always scrappin' aboot lookin' for somethin' or somebody what's never ganna happen.
Moxey: I said to him the other day, y'know, I said, "Wayne, get it into your 'ead, mate. There's nothin' amazing's gonna happen, y'know, that's suddenly gonna transform your life." [Oz wipes his eyes]
Bomber: Aye. Bomber resigned himself to that years ago.
Barry: My life's about to be transformed. For those of you who were polite enough to wait, I'd like to buy some champagne. [Everyone's up for that.] [To Carlos] Not too late for a bottle of champagne, is it, Carlos?
Carlos: [Despondent] Tonight you drink 'til dawn. It's no difference for me.
Bomber: So you've straightened out the old lady, then?
Carlos: [Opening a bottle of champagne] No... the old lady, she leave me.
Barry: Oh, dear.
Oz: Well, I hope you're not tryin' to put that one doon to us, are yer?
Carlos: We marry eleven years. [On the verge of tears] My heart it hurts, you know?
Moxey: Er, Carlos? You're puttin' a real damper on things over here, mate. You might've kept it to yerself 'til after tomorrow.
Carlos: [Popping the cork] Sorry.
Barry: You'd better have a glass yourself, mate.
Carlos: Gracias, señor. [Starts pouring himself a glass of champagne]
Barry: I know you think I'm being sentimental. I suppose I am, really. [To Carlos] Chin up, mate. [Takes the bottle] But the fact that all the lads are going to be at my wedding tomorrow, that means a lot to me, you know. It means an awful lot.
Oz: D'yer wanna keep the speech for tomorrow?
Barry: No, I've got a speech for tomorrow written down. Finally, I want to let you know the best man situation has been resolved.
Moxey: Oh, aye? Who's the unlucky bloke? [Laughs]
Barry: Moxey, if you'd rather be at the port with Wayne, sniffing 'round tarts, don't let me stop you!
Moxey: I was only joking!
Barry: I never know if you're joking or not. This is a bloody moment of joy and celebration for me and I'd really like to treasure it.
Oz: Barry, calm doon, man. Calm doon.
Barry: [As Bomber checks his watch for the time] Am I keeping you, Bomber?
Bomber: I'm just... scratching my wrist.
Barry: No you're not, you're looking at your watch!
Oz: Barry, man! Barry, for Christ's sake, man! Look, we all wanna treasure this moment with yer, right, but not all bastard night, so tell wor who's the best man, man!
Barry: [Quietly] All of you.
Oz: Eh?
Barry: It's all six of you.
Oz: What?
Barry: Well, there's no rule saying that you only have to have one best man, so I'll have all six of you.

[At the villa, Dennis and Neville are still up too...]

Neville: Fancy a nightcap?
Dennis: Aye, why not?
Neville: [Getting up] Brandy?
Dennis: Nah, beer for me these days, Nev. [Neville gets a couple of beers out of the fridge and opens one] Hey, it's easy to get used to a life of luxury, isn'it? [Chuckles] Cocktail bar, swimming pool... [Neville hands him the opened beer.] Ta.
Neville: Yeah. [Opens his beer] Back to reality next week, though. We'll just be another couple of Thatcher's unemployment statistics.
Dennis: Never mind. You'll still have a nice tan down the dole queue, Nev.
Neville: Aye. What are you gonna do? Given it any thought?
Dennis: Well, I cannae be a brickie again. I cannae face some desolate winter on some North East building site.
Neville: Hmm... I've got nae choice. That's what I am. That's what I do. I'm not ashamed of it, like.
Dennis: Aye, of course not. Nor should you be. I didn't mean that, man. I'm just talkin' about me, Nev. I need to change me life.
Neville: Does Christine figure in your plans?
Dennis: I dunno. Well, I'd like her to be, yer kna. But until something materialises, I haven't got much to offer her, have I?
Neville: Ally's money?
Dennis: [Chuckles] What about it?
Neville: Well... it's just sittin' there, isn'it? Where you hid it, like?
Dennis: Yeah.
Neville: Well... if I was you, I'd be tempted to keep it and...
Dennis: What?
Neville: Well, I dunno. Buy a newsagents?
Dennis: [Rolls his eyes] Oh, lad, you don't set yer sights very high, do yer? I thought you were ganna say, "Take it and bugger off to Brazil, man", not buy a bloody newsagents!
Neville: Aye. There's not enough of it for Brazil, is there?

[Barry & Hazel's wedding aboard the Sans Souci, Kenny Ames's yacht, out at sea. All the lads, wives, girlfriends and Kenny are there. The ship's captain, Enrique, is officiating.]

Enrique: Do you, Barry Taylor, take Hazel Susan Redfern, to be your awful wedded wife?
Kenny: That should be "lawful".
Enrique: Oh, sorry. Your lawful wedded wife?
Barry: I do.
Enrique: ...So, I now pronounth you... a man and a wife. [Everyone applauds. Barry searches his pockets frantically for the ring.]
Brenda: [To Christine] Are you sure this is legal?
Christine: Well, apparently. [Barry finds the ring and puts it on Hazel's finger. They kiss.]
Oz: [Pouring champagne for Wayne, Bomber and Moxey]: Get a bit of this doon ya!
Neville: [Still ruminating about Oz's Spanish lottery win] £34,000... It's just not fair!
Dennis: Hey, there's a boat coming up on the right, there!
Kenny: Or starboard as we say in nautical circles. [It's a speedboat with Ally Fraser on board]
Barry: What's this?
Kenny: It's your mystery guest, Barry. [Fraser waves from his boat]
Vicky: What's he doing here? [Fraser boards the Sans Souci. A Spanish police boat is nearby sending out a Morse code message.]
Fraser: [To Barry and Hazel] Well you don't actually think that I would have missed a happy occasion like this? [Kenny laughs]
Dennis: What's going on, Ally?
Fraser: Dennis, I've had a little bit of business to do, and then I promised myself I'm gonna get back here for Barry's wedding.
Barry: Ahhh, very much appreciated, Mr. Fraser!
Hazel: Thank you very much for the chocolates, Mr. Fraser.
Fraser: Oh, my pleasure.
Hazell: [Showing Barry] Swiss!
Spanish Police Boat Officer: [Over a loudhailer] Sans Souci, maintain your position! Maintain your position!
Fraser: Let's get the hell outta here! [Fraser and Kenny make a bolt for the bridge]
Spanish Police Boat Officer: [Over a loudhailer] ¡Sans Souci, mantenga su posicion!
Kenny: ¡Vamos, Enrique! ¡Vamos! [Enrique speeds the boat up] (Let's go, Enrique! Let's go!)
Spanish Police Boat Officer: [Over a loudhailer] Sans Souci, vamos a borderas. [The police boat continues to pursue the Sans Souci]
Fraser: You set me up, Kenny! If you've bought immunity by shopping in me...
Kenny: Don't you worry about that, sonny! I'm blagging 20% of that. [Points to Fraser's cash-filled briefcase]
Barry: [From the lower deck] 'Scuse me, everybody wants to know what's happening!
Fraser: [Ignoring Barry] How fast does this thing go?
Kenny: I don't know, I've only pissed around port before with a couple of birds and a picnic basket!
Fraser: Make for Tangiers!
Kenny: Right you are.

[Below deck, Barry rushes to Hazel]

Barry: [Frantically] I'm sorry, Hazel. Don't panic, but we've been used. That despicable man Fraser's used us! But don't worry, kid. I'm with you.
Hazel: Don't apologise, Barry. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me! Tangiers... Wait 'til Valerie Nelson hears about this!

[On the upper deck...]

Brenda: Tangiers? I'm not taking Debs to Tangiers!
Neville: It doesn't look like we've got much choice, Brenda.
Wayne: [To Moxey] What was that you said last night there, Mox, about nothing going to transform our lives?
Spanish Police Boat Officer: [Over a loudhailer] Sans Souci, stop your engine! Repeat, stop your engines! [Bomber joins Wayne and Moxey and refills their glasses]
Bomber: Well, there must be some work in North Africa.
Moxey: There's bound to be. I mean, they built the pyramids, didn't they?
Spanish Police Boat Officer: [Over a loudhailer] This is the police. Heave to!
Oz: Dennis! Dennis, man!
Dennis: What?
Oz: Well, dae summat!
Dennis: Who me?!
Oz: Well, I've copped a fortune, man. As soon as I put these in, me life's completely changed overnight, and we're headin' in the opposite bloody direction!
Dennis: And what am I supposed to do, man? This is just like bloody Düsseldorf, this! "What's gannin on, Dennis? What are we ganna do, Dennis?" It's all down to Dennis. Look man, I divvn't know what's happening! I don't know where we're going or what's gonna happen to any of wor.
Neville: So what else is new?

Series 3[edit]

Bridging the Gap[edit]

[On finding Wayne didn't show up]
Oz: I'm amazed the rest of you turned up.
Moxey: We were hoping there was a will.

Oz: There was no Good about 'The Good Old Days' was there?

Oz: The Middlesbrough Transporter Bridge. Designed by the Cleveland Bridge and Engineering Company of Darlington and opened, on October 17th 1911, by Prince Arthur of Connaught.
Dennis: What's our next stop? A guided tour of the Haverton Hill glue factory?
Oz: Now, as you can see, there's great tracts of land on both sides of the river just ripe for development. There's a big consortium already on the case, the only obstacle is this famous local landmark here. Now that's where we fit in, cos we're gonna pull it down and flog it for a fortune.

[When Oz says he's living sober]
Dennis: What, you don't touch the sauce?
Oz: Well, comparatively sober.
Neville: You mean your drinking's not harmfull to humanity anymore.

Neville: This whole area used to be pit villages, man; everyone worked for the colliery. You know what they do now?
Dennis: What?
Neville: All the men wear hair nets and pack airline meals. Everything's changed Dennis, deal with it.

Neville: But it’s monstrous, man!
Oz: Yes, it’s monstrous Neville, it gargantuan, it’s outrageous…that’s the point!

[The group see Jeffrey Granger for the first time on TV]
Dennis: So where'd you meet this wanker?
Oz: I was two'd-up with him in Durham Nick.
Moxey: I hear they do a good breakfast up there.

Neville: Realistically, how much is it going to cost us all?
Barry: Ten grand each. Plus change.
Moxey: I haven’t even got the plus change.

Dennis: Every Tuesday and Friday, I drive a drug dealer round the housing estates and the shopping centres. Why would I do that, eh? Because it's my biggest payday of the week. The rest of the time I work the Graveyard Shift, y'know? "Bigger tips at night" even though you've got to clean up after blow-jobs and drunks. If I had Ten Thousand Pounds, d'you think that would be my life?

[Oz punches drug dealer Tommy Rampton]
Bomber: I see the old Oz is still with us.
Oz: Well, he has to appear every once in a while Bomb, or else people might think I’m Cliff Richard.

Heavy Metal[edit]

Oz: Grainger's consortium put this job out to tender, high-tech civil engineering companies. Well, all them overehads: bringing in cranes from the continent and what-have-ya, the lowest quote they got was 2 million nicker.
Dennis: Well we're Way below that! Can we do it?
Oz: Yes, we can do it because We are lo-tech. We’re gonna pull it down the same way as they put it up 90 years ago...with pulleys and chains and sweat and toil….

Yorgo: Your friend…he thinks with his head.
Oz: Oh yes…and what does your friend think with? His bollocks?!!

Brenda: Now, what are the words we don't use?
Neville: I'm broke, I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm too old.
Brenda: Right.

Brenda: I fixed Debbie’s party, taken the back room at Guido’s, we can have a disco and everything.
Neville: That’s gonna cost, isn’t it?
Brenda: Hello….what were we just saying?!!
Neville: Fine, fine…champagne, limousines, ecstasy…whatever!

[The lads are having dinner at Oz's house. Oz is offering wine.]
Oz: Right, who's for a bit more Romanian Red?
Bomber: No thanks Oz, dodgy stomach.
Moxey: It's probably this wine. I'll be glad when I've had enough.

Neville : I’ve been seeing a shrink…funny thing is I could do it with her no problem.
Oz: Can you not think of her while you’re shagging Brenda?
Neville : Aww, I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned this.
Oz: Make a hell of a good way of getting your money out of a sex therapist.

[Barry snorts what he thinks is cocaine]
Barry: Aww, where do you get this stuff?
Tatiana: Boots. It’s my herbal laxative.
Barry: Bloody hell. I’ll have a runny nose for days.

[Oz discusses the problem of keeping the new workforce happy]
Dennis:: Well, we just have to make sure that they stay on their own side of the River, that's all.
Oz:: Well, that's easy enough.
Oz:: We're going to have the Kosovans support the Boro
Oz:: And the Serbs can support Hartlepool United.
Neville : Let's hope they never meet in the Cup!

[Oz tells Dennis he saw Tatiana and Kadi kissing]
Dennis: I take it this wasn't a brotherly kiss?
Oz: Maybe if you're from Kentucky.

[Bomber hears that Barry's wife is cheating on him]
Bomber: Oh dear oh dear. Who with?
Dennis: Her brother.
Bomber: Except for certain parts of Shropshire, that's illegal isn't it?

Dennis: Why did you not bring it up with him?
Oz: How do you tell a man his wife is having it away with her brother?

Bridge Over Troubled Water[edit]

Oz: If this goes pear shaped, what am I going to do with a bridge?

[Moxey is told to lie low in the motel low for a while]
Dennis: It’s got a vending machine full of Mars Bars, Sky One, UK Gold – for somebody like you, that’s luxury!
Moxey: You’ve got a point there, Den.

Wyman: Does my skin bother you?!
Oz: Divvn’t be daft man, my team play in black and white, divvn’t they?! I’ve just got a thing about Cockneys.

[The lads are in the van driving to see Oz's son's show]
Wyman: I can usually suss I bloke’s musical tastes, me.
Oz: Haddaway and bollocks, you’ve only known me for five bloody minutes lad. There’s no way you can tell what I like to listen to.
Neville: No, alright have a go!
Wyman: Ok, I will, alright alright…Early Stones, The Clash, Clapton, and a sprinkling of C and W.
All: [Jeers]
Dennis: Ha ha, not far off the mark there!
Oz: He’s been in my gaffe, he’s been right through my CDs!
Wyman: No I haven’t mate, no I haven’t. Alright then - Dennis.
Dennis: Aye, go on then.
Wyman: Otis Redding, Aretha
Oz: Aretha?
Wyman: Aretha, Marvin Gaye…and you’ve got a soft spot for Rod Stewart, but only when you’re at the karaoke pissed!
Dennis: Aye, I can’t argue with that young‘an!
Bomber: What about me?
Wyman: Easy, you’re easy. Abba and Acker Bilk.
Dennis: What about Neville?
Wyman: Morose music I reckon.
Neville: Get away!
Wyman: Yeah, morose music…The Smiths, The Cult, Depeche Mode…music to slit your wrist by!
Neville: That’s not me at all!
Oz: No, nooo…these days Neville likes to watch Destiny’s Child videos!

[In Rod’s dressing room following his Dusty Springfield performance]
Oz: That's all it is though - an act? It doesn't mean to say that you're...
Rod: Gay?
Oz: Yeah, it doesn’t mean to say that you’re gay.
Rod: I am gay.
Oz: Hells Bollocks. Well is it permanent?

[The lads are in the van driving home, Oz in a touchy mood]
Oz: He's not gay. He thinks he is, but he's not.
Neville: Well, it’s just like exhibitionism, isn’t it? Like a cry for attention.
Oz: Exactly.
Bomber: Would it matter if he was?
Oz: Well it would to me!
Wyman: Well even if he is…
Oz: He’s not! He can’t be! There's never been a huckle in the Osbourne family and we can trace our lineage all the way back to the Second World War. Now, end of subject. Right?
All: Right, aye.
Neville: Of course.
Oz: It's always been the tunnel, not the funnel.

[Oz meets Jeffrey's assistant in her hotel]
Oz: Well I suppose we could have a bite, I’ve got my tie on so I can get past Saddam Hussein on the door there.
Sarah: We could...not fussed...[leans over the table]...we could just have a couple of drinks...and go to bed.
Oz: (jaw drops) Could we have another bowl of twiglets first?

[Oz tries to accept his son’s sexuality]
Oz: I was just flabbergasted, that’s all you know, I mean I’ve got nothing against gays son. It’s just that, well, I was brought up to believe that dickie-up-the-chufter is abnormal and vile. Ah, that came out wrong didn’t it…shite…sorry again.

[Rod deals with a couple of thugs after the last show]
Oz: Canny left hook, son!
Rod: Aye. Not bad for a poofter, eh?

A Bridge Too Far[edit]

[A Red Indian arrives to buy the bridge after Oz put it up for sale on the Internet…]
Joe: My grandson saw it. He’s always on a computer.
Moxey: Unbelievable! I mean, where do you plug in a computer in a wigwam?
Dennis: Moxey.
Moxey: Yeah?
Dennis: Shut up!

Bomber: I did hear right, did I? I thought I heard the word ‘million’!
All: Yeah!
Dennis: You did aye. Mind you, we’ll have to take into account transportation and erection costs.
Neville: I’m getting an erection just thinking about it!
Oz: Better get it home to Brenda A.S.A.P.!

[Kadi and Tatiana discuss Barry’s suspicions (speaking Russian)]
Tatiana: If he goes to the police…
Kadi: Maybe we should kill him. Then you get the house, the business…everything…
Tatiana: Kill him? How?
Kadi: Make it look like an accident…a car goes off the road…
Tatiana: Not the Bentley!

[Jeffrey on the phone to Sarah, unaware Oz is there with her]
Sarah: Anyway, I don’t know the numbers, but they’re going to make you an offer.
Jeffrey: Ah!
[Oz gestures a back-hander]
Sarah: Oz did say if you were a bungable person..
Jeffrey: Vulnerable?
Sarah: No, bungable, from the verb to bung, to offer an illegal or illicit payment.
Jeffrey: Yes yes I’m with you, I’m pissed off he seems I can consider it. Cash was it?

[The lads argue over their next move]
Oz: Hold on, excuse me, but the facts are these. I conjured up that Red Indian oot of cyberspace and I’ve got Grangier primed and ready to jump, yes?
Barry: I think we should all calm down, alright. I’ve always found in business there’s a very fine line between altruism and self-interest. So why don’t we all sleep on it, eh?
Oz: (storming out) You sleep on it, you end up bastard and skint.

[Oz and Dennis are questioning Barry about the facts of his marriage]
Barry: Look, I’m getting very pissed off with the tone of this interrogation!

[Barry tells Tatiana he wants a divorce]
Tatiana: Barry, let’s talk about this alone, just you and me.
Moxey: No way kidda! Steal yourself, remember Godfather II…you know, when Diane Keaton begs Al Pacino not to lock her out of his life. And what did he do? Closed the bloody kitchen door on her!

Dennis: You know that dismantling sequence you showed us? What do you call it, you know, when it’s the other way round? You know, when you put the bridge back up again?
Calhoun: An erection sequence…[Moxey sniggers]…no jokes please, I’ve heard them all.
Dennis: Well could you do us one? We’ll pay you like.
Calhoun: What are yous up to?
Dennis: Nowt, nowt, nowt important.
Moxey: Nothing.
Calhoun: How would you be paying?
Moxey: Cash.
[Moxey throws a wad of notes to Calhoun]
Calhoun: Where did you get this?
Moxey: I sold my cello.

Another Country[edit]

[Back in a hut, Barry as miserable as sin]
Oz: Hey Barry, you know what? If this was Big Brother, you’d be the first one oot that door!
Barry: I should be so lucky..

D.I.: Who was he?
Mickey Startup: Goes by the name of Moxey. And he was working for those people who were pulling that bridge down in Middlesbrough.
D.I.: First name?
Mickey Startup: Never had one. Just Moxey. Like Moby. Or Mantovani.

[News comes through of Teddy Platt’s body being fished out of the Tees]
Moxey: Yous all think I’m a murderer?
Dennis: Oz doesn’t mean that. He’s just playing Devil’s Advocate.
Moxey: I’ve never hurt anyone in my life. I’ve just set fire to buildings. And I’ve always made sure they were empty…except that once. And I didn’t know the bloke had chickens!

[Barry on the phone to his attorney]
Attorney: I got the testimony back from the UK. It’s all good. Local cops confirm this guy Kadi’s a piece of work and spoke very highly of you…Inspector Colin Bishop…
Barry: Colin, yeah?
Attorney: Yeah, “No way you’re a bad guy, you’re just a radish who got rich.” I’m not familiar with the expression?
Barry: I’ve heard it before.
Attorney: Barry, you know I’m going to bat for you. We’ll speak Friday.
Barry: Bye.
Neville: What is it?
Bomber: Yeah, what?
Barry: I don’t believe it. Colin Bishop. I’ve known him for years. We’ve played golf together. He’s had dinner in my house on more than one occasion…and he calls me a radish!
Neville: Barry man!
Oz: We’re not bothered about that man!
Dennis: Barry man, what about the charges?!
Barry: What?
Dennis: What about the charges man?!
Barry: Oh you’ll probably be free and clear. I’m the one who’s going to fall on his sword…[angrily to Oz] ever since your funeral, my life’s been unravelling like a ball of knitting wool!

[Bomber acting out every word to the Medicine Man]
Bomber: I come from distant land. Faraway. Over great ocean. Fly through the sky, in big plane.
Medicine Man: Boeing 747?

'[Oz forces Wyman to listen to Dire Straits]
'Oz: Now isn’t that infinitely better than all that der-chicker-der shite you’re normally listening to?
Wyman: Yeah, I’ve got to admit, it’s growing on me.
Oz: That’s because it’s timeless kid. They’ll not be playing Atomic Kitten in 20 years time.

[Barry drunk in the bar]
Barry: You like the ladies don’t you Neville?
Neville: No more than most.
Barry: Awww, I think you do, nothing wrong with that, the trouble is as you get older you become horribly aware of all the young flesh will never be yours. I mean, when you’re young anything’s possible innit? Anything? But when you get to our age, you know you’re never going to bonk Buffy The Vampire Slayer

[Oz, Dennis and Neville stop off at the Chicken Ranch on the way to Las Vegas]
Neville: You an’ all?
Dennis: Well why not man? We’ve worked our nuts off for three months. Anyway, it’s a tourist attraction in the state.
Oz: Aye, that’s right. People come here for a flutter and a show and a shag. I mean if you went to Venice you’d ride a gondola wouldn’t yer?!

[Neville revisits the Chicken_Ranch to pick up his mobile, while Dennis ends a call off Bomber in the car]
Oz: That’s Neville’s phone…
Dennis: So?
Oz: He didn’t forget it.
Dennis: Oh God…
Dennis & Oz: He’s in love with a tart!

An Inspector Calls[edit]

[Oz finds Wyman concussed]
Oz: [holding four fingers up] How many fingers?
Wyman: Three.
Oz: Three, Mmmher, near enough.

[DEA interview room, Barry takes a polygraph test]
DEA officer: You were born in Birming-Ham.
Barry: Birmingham! We say, yes!

DEA officer: Ever taken drugs, Mr. Taylor?
Barry: No...[lie detector responds strongly]...well er, could I qualify that? Erm, when I say no, I mean I I I I, I have had the occasional line of Charlie during a party, you know, and erm, but churr, er, well, haven’t we all? [chuckles]. Oh yes and there was, I did er have a toke on a spliff at the Reading Rock Festival, but I’d hardly say I was a regular user.
DEA officer: Yes or no?
Barry: [dejectedly] Yes.

[Dennis makes an offer to Jeffrey who has stolen part of the bridge]
Jeffrey: No, you’ll have to do better than this. I am, after all, the hand that rocks the cradle.

[Oz and Moxey are messing about on a bike, Barry stressed about his polygraph test]
Moxey: Some exercise wouldn’t do you any harm.
Barry: You wouldn’t get me on a bike, that’s the last form of exercise I’d take. Cycling damages your sexual organs.
Oz: Bollocks!
Barry: Precisely, no I read this research report. Right, they use ultrasound scans to examine the testicles of 45 mountain bikers and they compared them with 39 sets of testicles of non-riders, and all but two of the cyclists had scrrrrotal abnormalities.
Moxey: He knows a lot of stuff, Barry.
Oz: Aye, all of it useless. [Moxey and Oz simultaneously feel their testicles]

Jeffrey: They tried to get one over me...don’t like that – there’s a principle involved.
Sarah: You don’t have any principles Jeffrey, you’re a conceited narcissistic phoney and a total shit.
Jeffrey: I’m going to fire you for that comment.
Sarah: I’ve already quit.

Oz: We’re gonna set a honey-trap lads, get Granger in a sexually compromising position.
Bomber: How are we going to do that?
Oz: Well, Nev’s got a fantastic in at the brothel hasn’t he, he’s almost got a season ticket doon there... so we’ll get his lass, Kelly-Anne, to set it up, right, get Granger in a bubble bath with two or three tarts doing unspeakables to ‘em...
Neville: Every chance you get, you drag her into the conversation, don’t yer, just so you can slag her off, why don’t you keep your face out of my life! [storms out]
Oz: Well I still think it’s a canny idea!

[Moxey finds out he’s in the clear]
Moxey: What about the Liverpool Police?
D.I. Hateley: They love you!
Moxey: You what?!
D.I. Hateley: You gave all that stuff that nailed Mickey Startup.
Moxey: Oh that’s great. Oh, that is a relief. And they can’t prove I took any cash....which I didn’t! Well, I might have...but it all went to a good cause!

Series 4[edit]

Britannia Waives the Rules[edit]

[In a meeting at the O.E.D.]
Colin Vanes: Well there’s no question mark over your experience, but the nature of who we are and what we do means that we go into extensive background vetting.
Dennis: And what does that entail?
Colin Vanes: Well we have to be sure that our people are never in a position where they can be compromised or blackmailed, so we’re extremely thorough on security clearances.
[Dennis looks at Oz]
Oz: Well, er, you’re gonna find this out sooner or later so you might as well know it up front like.
Colin Vanes: And what’s that Mr. Osbourne?
Oz: I’ve got a son what’s a poof.

[Leaving the OED]
Dennis: I thought you were gonna tell him you’ve been inside man?!!
Oz: Why would I bring that up?

[Neville signs the Official Secrets Act]
Neville: Do I need any special training or anything?
Heather Lane: Neville, you’re not Pierce Brosnan

[Tatiana and Barry reunited in Russia]
Tatiana: You look like shit, Barry
Barry: Yes well I’ve been held against my will and interrogated with all the mental anguish that implies…you look rather fetching.

[Moxey - on the run again - is picked up by Oz]
Oz: What’s the panic? I was in the middle of a dump when you called.

[Barry confides in his psychiatrist]
Barry: My mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions…just seeing her there…confusion, anger, regret, bitterness, and I have to admit, yes there were sexual stirrings; she was wearing these skintight boots that came just below the knee, miniskirt, and there was a flash of thigh in evidence. The perfume…Issey Miyake, I should know, I bought her gallons of it! You see I’ve missed our sessions being in Russia. I’ve felt naked because I’d lost the tools, the coping tools to help me. I know you’re going to say that I was retreating back into my co-dependency tendencies. It’s true, I just wanted to take her in my arms and forgive her and buy her something nice from Versace.

Heather Lane: It’s Heather. Double-O Geordie’s becoming a pain in the arse.

[Oz jumps on a plane after being refused to join the team]
Purser: Mr. Osbourne
Oz: Yes.
Purser: I wonder if you could follow me. Bring your personal effects.
Oz: Upgrade is it?
Purser: If you’d just come with these gentlemen.
Oz: What’s up like? I’ve not been smokin’ in yer bog. I didn’t check a bag on so you couldn’t of found a bomb in it.
Purser: We don’t want to alarm the other passengers, do we Sir?
Oz: Well I’m not a bloody terrorist. My name’s Osbourne not Osama.
Suit: Don’t make us use force, Sir.
Oz: Force? I’ll show you a bit of force, son.
[Oz elbows Suit in nose, as passengers gasp in horror]
Purser: You made the list, Mr. Osbourne.
Oz: What bloody list? The 10 most wanted?
Purser: The O.E.D.
Oz: With my mates?
Purser: You’re going to Cuba.
Oz: Aww. Well why didn’t you say so. Sorry pal. Well, bugger Bangkok. Ha’way Havana!

Oz: All I know Den, is that when you had a choice of either knocking this job back or cutting me adrift, you were “thinking it over”?
Dennis: Is this going in your grudge bank, Oz? Because I’m your oldest friend.
Oz: That’s why I didn’t expect it Den.

Our men in Havana[edit]

[Oz is bearing a grudge, Dennis tries to resolve it]
Dennis: D'you remember when we first met?
Oz: Nah.
Dennis: It was on that housing estate in Cramlington.
Oz: It was Bedlington, actually.
Dennis: Oh, so you do remember?
Oz: Well, vaguely.
Dennis: You turned up on spec, right? Looking for a job and the foreman was away. So I hired you. When he came back, he was gonna give you the sack.
Oz: Was he?
Dennis: Yeah.
Oz: Why?
Dennis: Your mouth mostly. Also, you tried to chin him; that might have had something to do with it! And I stood up for you, right, I said this Oz might be a bit of a lunatic. But he lays more bricks in three days than most of us do in five
Oz: Well, that's true.
Dennis: That's not what I'm talking about, man! Then the German gig came up, right, I spent three days traipsing every pub in Wallsend looking for your arse.
Oz: So, what are you trying to tell us, like? That I owe this glittering career to you?
Dennis: No. I'm saying that I've always wanted you on my team!

Neville: Where's Oz?
Barry: The ballet.

A Gift from Fidel[edit]

Moxey: Well who do you miss?
Oz: Well me son for one. I missed a lot of him growing up. Fortunately that included the moment he started putting his key in the back door, so to speak.

Oz: You had no right to lumber us with this!
Dennis: I’m not trying to score brownie points with the Embassy, it’s all part and parcel of the job, right?! Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. And some days we pick up bloody bath tubs!

[On the journey to pick up the bath]
Moxey: Right! Let’s play Road Kill Cricket!
Bomber: How’s that work?
Moxey: Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!
Neville: How do you mean runs?
Moxey: One for each leg: a dead chicken’s worth two, that goat would have been four if we’d started.
Wyman: So a centipede’s a ton, right?
Moxey: No insects! You’re being silly now Wyman.
Wyman: Oh, forgive me.
Oz: What about a snake?
Moxey: That’s a tricky one Oz, it doesn’t have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…

[The road back to Havana is blocked by a broken down hearse]
Oz: Well the stiff’s on this side of the road so that’s two runs to us, yes?
Moxey: True!

[The guys are obliged to help with the coffin]
Wyman: It weighs a ton!
Bomber: We’ll have to help them offload it at the other end.
Oz: What now we’re bloody pallbearers!
Moxey: Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.
Dennis: Moxey!
Moxey: What?
Dennis: Bollocks!

[Barry guards the bath and is approached by two local kids]
Barry: I know what you're thinking... what's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway? Well I'd ask the same question if I was in your shoes... that's if you had any.

[Barry is approached by three local men]
Barry: Buenos dias!
Local: [in Spanish] What's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway?
Barry: Hemingway, si, Ernest, yes. Yes it’s a good book actually, er it’s set here, do you know it? Ah, erm, hablo Anglais? oh that’s a pity, only my Spanio is a bit poko, a bit inadequate actually…yeah….Now don’t you go getting any ideas about this will you gentlemen, it’s el bath Fidel Castro, presenté pour Anglais ambassadoro. So if you’re thinking of nicking it you’re gonna end up in very hot water actually, oh yes, mucho caliente agua. Haha. [guys move forward] Oh shit…

[Neville’s first mission]
Neville: How am I supposed to get to know him?! He’s not gay is he?
Tarquin: No no, staright as a tent pole. He likes girls, bars, technopop. Annnd he’s passionate about Manchester United. Apparently several million Chinese are.
Neville: How’s that supposed to help?
Tarquin: You’re a footballer.
Neville: Not Man U I’m not!
Tarquin: You are now.
Neville: Aww no, no, ha’way, forget it. I’m from Newcastle man! That’s like asking me to change us religion!
Tarquin: Small price to pay for Queen and country. Here you might need this. [hands Neville a United shirt printed with Giggs]


Barry: You’ve got it bad, haven’t you?
Oz: Aye, aye, I’ve never known nowt like this before. When I see her, I get all tongue-tied. Me! Shivers doon me neck and sweaty palms.
Barry: Well these symptoms you describe could be one of two things: it’s either that Mongolian flu that was going around last’re in love.
Oz: Well, let’s hope it’s the flu, eh? you can get a jab for that.

Neville: Look I’ve gotta go. You’ll be okay will you?
Dennis: Me, aye, I’m just gonna have a night in front of the telly. If we had a telly.

[Neville reveals his Man United shirt]
Neville: Forgive me Sir Bobby, for I have sinned.

Dennis: Where’s everybody else?
Wyman: I dunno, they went off somewhere.
Dennis: There seems to be a concerted effort around here to avoid me, eh, I’m not middle-management you know!
Wyman: Not from me, Den! I’d go out with you in a flash, only Tina’s got nicer knockers.

Barry: I went to a séance in Edgbaston once. I tried to contact my Granny.
Dennis: Why?
Barry: Well we wanted to find out where she’d left the key to this old trunk in the attic. Cor blimey, I couldn’t get out there quick enough mate, teacups and saucers flying all over the place. I drove into a concrete litter bin on the home.

[Neville gets talking to his oriental buddies]
Michael: Hey, where were you that night?
Neville: What night?
Michael: That night!
Michael’s friend: The night! The night!
Neville: That night?! Oh, what a night!
Girl: What happened that night?
Michael: We beat Bayern Munich in Barcelona!
Neville: Ayeeeee, the two jammy goals in stoppage time
Michael: Jammy? I don’t know that word
Neville: It means brilliant.
Michael: Oh right okay! We win the triple. It was a jammy evening, the climax of a jammy season! Ah, salut!
All: Salut!

[Barry drives the lads home after the evening with the cult]
Barry: I love the traffic lights here. I love the way they sparkle and glitter like a kaleidoscope of colours.
Oz: There’s no traffic lights in this street, Barry.
Barry: Yes there are! Green, gold, turquoise, blue, I love the butterflies too!
Bomber: There’s no ruddy butterflies!
Barry: There’s millions of them! There wings sparkling with innerdescence.
Oz: Wait a minute, did you eat anything back there? Awwww, his trippin’, his trippin’!
Barry: Aw look, there’s one settled on my nose!
Oz: Give us the wheel! Give us the wheel!!

Dangerous Liaisons[edit]

Tarquin: Call him, tell him you’ll drop round his flat for drinks. Put these in his Vodka Martini.
Neville: What will they do?!
Tarquin: Put him to sleep. It’s a date rape drug. He’ll be out for a couple of hours.
Neville: And then what?!
Tarquin: Find the package. You take it to the door of the apartment building, Felipe will be there to make a copy. You take the original back to the flat, wait for him to wake up, and then go out and get drunk or laid...or whatever the pair of you do.
Neville: At home on a Sunday night, Brenda orders in a pizza and we watch Songs of Praise.

[Chrissie visits Barry in jail]
Chrissie: Hello Barry. The boys have told me so much about you. Now, you’re in their thoughts and it’s only a question of time. I brought a few things the stewards on the boat put together, some salami, couple of tins of sardines, some Parma Ham, figs, a few tangerines, and a nice piece of cheese. ....Oh no don’t worry about the guards, I brought a few items for them and a whole carton of Marlborough, so they’re squared anyway. Now I know you’re going through hell Barry, but you’re not alone and you’re not forgotten, and when I leave this island, a whole lot more people will know about you including The Red Cross and Amnesty International.
Barry: Who are you?

[Chrissie and Dennis get it on]
Chrissie: Were the lads taking bets....on whether this would happen?
Dennis: Course not! Well probably,
Chrissie: And what odds did you give yourself?
Dennis: Well whatever they were, they’ve just narrowed.

The End of the Affair[edit]

[Neville realises he’s been used by Tarquin]
Neville: I used to think that life was simple, get up, go to work, make a few modest gains for your family, you knew who you were, who you’re friends were. Life’s not like that, is it? It’s complex and devious.

[Oz plans to take Ofelia back to England]
Bomber: Well saying you do get her back to the North-East, well how do you think that will work then?
Oz: What do you mean?
Bomber: Well it’s a bit of a culture shock isn’t it?
Oz: Oh, I’ll adjust quick enough man!
Dennis: Seriously man, look at all these South American football players, they’ve signed for the Premier League and one minute it’s sunshine and samba, next’s Middlesbrough!

[Ofelia wants to rebel]
Ofelia: Yes I can! These stupid people telling me who I can’t be with!
Oz: You’ve got some bollocks pet, I’ll give you that. When you’re up on that stage you know, dancing, you look so...fragile. But really, you’re made out of tungsten.
Ofelia: Que?!

[Oz realises the plan was a bit reckless]
Oz: Well can’t expect the lassie just to up sticks like that man, even if the ultimate prize is Newcastle.

[Wyman finds out the plan was Chrissie’s idea]
Wyman: Why didn’t you talk her out of it?
Dennis: Well she didn’t tell us till 4 o’clock in the morning!
Wyman: Oh right, during the wild night of passion, yeah?
Dennis: Look, it was a personal, private moment between two adult people! Alright?!
Oz: Fair enough. But I’d be hacked off if you shagged my mother.

[Oz visits Barry in jail]
Barry: Good to see you mate.
Oz: Blimey. How are you?
Barry: I feel like shit. Look like it too, don’t I?
Oz: Well....aye, you do like.

Dennis: You finish with Ofelia, he comes out the nick, and her brothers got friends in high places, am I connecting the right dots?
Oz: Didn’t have a choice man Den, not after I saw him in that shithole.
Dennis: It’s a hell of a price to pay, man.
Oz: I’ll put it down to experience, eh. That’s what you get, when you don’t get what you want.

[The lads finally interrogate Neville and force him to tell his secret]
Wyman: Bloody hell! Neville the spy!
Neville: I’ve hated every minute of it, lying to all of you, lying to my wife. I’m not even very good at it. I had to doctor a bloke’s drink one night. You know, knock out drops.
Moxey: Go ay!
Oz: Hells teeth, That’s bloody hardcore!
Neville: I drank it myself!
[Everyone chuckles to themselves]
Dennis: Sorry.
Neville: I’m glad this has happened really, it’s been a terrible strain. I’m really glad you did this, really. Thanks.
[Neville breaks down in tears]
Bomber: Let it all come out Neville, don’t hold anything back.
Barry: I think this is where we should all hug.
Oz: Dear me, you look like you’re bloody sopranos.
Moxey: Big relief though, ey?
Neville: Yeah.
Moxey: I bet you feel like you’ve just passed a bowling ball.

Christmas Specials[edit]

Au Revoir: Part 1[edit]

[In the beseiged embassy]
Embassy official: They're trying to ram the perimeter wall.
Dennis: They won't breach it, we built that wall.

Oz: I've none of the local shekels, whatever they are.
Dennis: Kip.
Oz: Precious little of that on the plane!

[Oz sees cockroaches in their hut]
Wyman: Don't worry, they don't bother you.
Oz: Really?
Wyman: Well, they do bother you. But it's not fatal.

[Barry describes his emotional reunion with Tatiana]
Oz: Did you slip her a length?
Barry: Oz! Really!
Oz: But did you?
Barry: Yes, I did actually.

Au Revoir: Part 2[edit]

Oz: Well, as far as huts go, I think we've reached rock bottom with this one. No beds, big bugs, no bog and a bamboo roof.
Mozey: Yeah, 'cause they've been improving over the years haven't they, the huts? The one in Vientiane was borderline house.

[The lads are caught up as hostages]
Wyman: Did you see Barry?
Oz: Aye
Wyman: How is he?
Oz: Bombed out on opium is how he is.
Neville: Aye?
Moxey: Opium?
Oz: Aye, weeeell, opium oot here's like marmite back home, there's a jar in every hoose.

Oz: I'm used to bullshit, but I've never laid bricks with it.

[An urgent diversion is needed]
Oz: Dennis! Say that again and I'll knock your bloody block off!
Dennis: What?!
Oz: What you said man, about my Marjorie!
Dennis: Ohhhhh right! I meant that!
Oz: Did you?!
Dennis: Aye, I did!
[Dennis and Oz break out fighting]

[The lads can't wait to get away after the rescue]
Dennis: Hey! Hang on a minute! We're forgetting something aren't we? We haven't finished this yet, man! These villagers aren't going anywhere and we promised them a wash house.
Barry: I totally agree with Dennis. We can't leave them in the lurch. Plus, they've been extremely kind to me, it's not right.
Wyman: Give us a break guys!
Oz: Den man, in three days we can be back in Bangkok, where I've got unfinished business in a whirlpool.
Dennis: Oz, can you remember us ever not finshing a job? Nev?
Neville: Why Africa, but there was only a spot of plastering to do like.
Dennis: Doesn't sit right man?
Naomi: Have you guys gone mad in the sun or something?
Oz: No, Den's right, get yourself a bowl of noodles pet, we've got a roof to finish.

[Closing scene; Dennis, Neville and Oz are on the ferry to Germany]
Dennis: Hey, what did your Brenda say, when you told her we were going back to Germany?
Neville: She said, 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet'.


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