Auf Wiedersehen, Pet (series 1)

---

Series: 1 2 3 4 | Main

---

Auf Wiedersehen, Pet (1983–2004) is a popular British comedy-drama series about a group of seven British migrant construction workers: Wayne, Dennis, Oz, Bomber, Barry, Neville and Moxey, who are living and working on a German building site.

Series 1

If I Were a Carpenter

[Opening words]

Neville: [Voiceover as he writes a postcard on the ferry to Holland] "Dearest Brenda, we are now at sea. I stood on deck and watched the coast of England disappear into the distant mist. Who knows what lies ahead? A better future for us, that is my fervent hope. Well, there's no more room for anything else, except to say I love you and miss you; Your Neville."

---

[On the ferry, Dennis and Oz are at the bar, while Neville is sat down, looking seasick]

Dennis: [To Neville] Oi, Nev! D'yer not want a drink? [Neville shakes his head] Or d'ya want some crisps? We got Scotch eggs! [He laughs]

Oz: I don't think he's found his sea legs yet, Dennis, eh?

Dennis: Yeh, well, he's missing their Brenda, yer kna, I mean they do at that age.

Oz: Oh aye? Right, cheers, Den!

Dennis: Cheers, mate, aye. [Oz takes a swig of his beer while Dennis bites into a roll]

Oz: He could be having second thoughts, yer know aboot the...

Dennis: Oh, he was havin' them a week ago, man. So I says to him, I said, "Listen", I said, "If you want that posh house on that new estate, it's the only way yer ganna get it, without lining the tax man's pockets for once", yer kna!

Oz: Well yer kna what they say. Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common.

Dennis: What's that?

Oz: They can all shove their bills up their arse!

---

[Arriving at Hook of Holland, Oz's car, which has seen better days, gets off the ferry...]

Oz: [As the radio loses frequency...] Well, lads, I'm afraid we're losing Radio 1.

Dennis: Never knew we had it in this wreck.

Oz: 'Ey, 'ey, canny car, this car.

Dennis: What have yer got a Sunderland sticker on the back for? Didn't kna you supported them.

Oz: No, no, I don't, I don't, but the bloke I bought it off did, yer know. I was gonna try an' scrape it but I thought I might lose the bumper. [Sees the car ahead move on.] Whoa, man. Here we go. [To Neville in the back] Now don't panic, Neville. We'll all stick to the same story, right? We're off to catch butterflies in Bavaria!

[Oz gets pulled aside at Customs...]

Customs Officer: Customs. Do you have anything to declare?

Dennis: Er, no. Just the duty free. Scotch, cigarettes.

Customs Officer: Can you open the back, please?

Dennis: Yeah, erm, can you give us the keys, Oz?

Oz: It doesn't lock.

[Dennis gets out of the car and opens the boot. A female Customs officer checks their bags and pulls out a spirit level.]

Female Officer: What is this?

Dennis: It's a spirit level.

Female Officer: What's "spirit level"?

Dennis: Well, I'll show you. [Takes the spirit level and places it up beside a wall.]

Customs Officer: What does it mean?

Dennis: Yer wall's not plumb!

---

[The lads stop off at a motorway services. Oz and Dennis bring coffee and ham & cheese rolls to a table where Neville is sat, writing yet another postcard]

Oz: Oh. Another postcard, is it, Neville(?)

Dennis: [as he and Oz sit at the table] He promised Brenda he'd keep in touch.

Oz: "Keep in touch"?! He wrote the first one at Darlington, man! Yer gonna blow all yer money on postage, lad.

Neville: She didn't want us to come. [Licks the back of a stamp and affixes it to the postcard] She said she'd accepted it; "Whatever's best for us", she said... then last night she was a bit tearful.

Oz: Mine never said a word.

Dennis: That's not like your missus.

Oz: Nah, well I must admit I never gave her a chance, like, y'know, I... sneaked out the back door and made a dawn departure, like. Pushed the car down the hill so it didn't make a noise. [Chuckles]

Neville: You did a runner on yer wife?

Dennis: Ah, you don't know his Marjorie. She's a right ball-breaker. I've seen her breakin' balls of innocent bystanders!

Oz: Last time I came out I didn't bother tellin' her I was comin'. Just said, er, "I'm goin' down to the newsagents, pet, gettin' the Sporting Chronicle". Three months I was away, that time.

Neville: Three months?! What'd she say when you got back?

Oz: "What won the 4.30?" [Laughs]

Neville: I've never worked abroad before. I've been abroad, like. Me an' Brenda went to Minorca twice.

Oz: Twice? Why twice?

Neville: ...Well, we liked it the first time.

Oz: Whereaboots is it, Minorca?

Neville: Um... I'm not really sure. We flew non-stop from Newcastle.

---

[At the bar in Nijmegen railway station, Dennis, Oz and Neville fight through the crowds looking for an agent]

Dennis: There you go, Neville. Cream of the British workforce, eh? Gan get three beers. Heinekens. [Gives Neville some money and sends him to the bar]

Oz: Bloody hell, where's this lot from? Must have laid McAlpine's off!

[As they walk through the bar, a Brummie with a motorbike helmet approaches Dennis]

Barry: Hey, Dennis, innit?

Dennis: Oh. Aye.

Barry: Barry. Barry Taylor. Remember? We worked together.

Dennis: Oh! Well, aye! [They shake hands] How's things, then?

Barry: Oh, alright, you know. Was working back home on a... housing estate just outside Stafford, yeah. Bloke went bust.

Dennis: Did he?

Barry: So I came back here for the craic, like. Money, you know. Got to anyway, no choice is there?

Dennis: No, there's not. [Starts to walk off, but Oz clears his throat]

Barry: This your mate, is it?

Dennis: Er, that's Oz. Oz, Barry.

Oz: Alreet, pal? [Shakes Barry's hand]

Barry: Hello!

Dennis: We worked together once, yer kna.

Oz: Aye. Alreet?

Barry: Ah, another Geordie, right?

Oz: Aye, well there's nar graft up wor way.

Barry: Nor any place, is there? I blame Thatcherism, you know. Yeah, it's a misguided policy, you know, it's totally misguided and misconstrued. Mind you, the Labour Party's in such disarray I don't think the opposition offers much of an alternative or consolation, does it?

Oz: Nah, I was just saying the same(!)

Dennis: Where's the agent, Barry?

Barry: Oh, there's a bloke called Pfister over there, looks a bit like David Kossoff with the bifocals.

Dennis: What's the form? [While this conversation is going on, Neville is struggling to get served at the bar]

Barry: Well, it's in his manifest - Frankfurt's best for brickies; Mannheim's mainly chippies, plasterers; and they want some electricians at Mönchengladbach. I fancy that meself!

Dennis: What chance is Düsseldorf?

Barry: I'd get in there sharpish!

Dennis: Okay mate, cheers!

Oz: Ta-ra.

Barry: Ta-ra for a bit, see how you go! See you, mate. Ta-ra!

[Oz & Dennis meet Herr Pfister]

Dennis: Herr Pfister?

Pfister: Yes?

Dennis: D'yer need any brickies for Düsseldorf?

Pfister: [Checks his manifest] I have jobs for two only.

Dennis: Aww, yer couldn't make it three, chief? Could yer?

Pfister: Nein. For Düsseldorf, they want now only two bricklayers, also carpenters.

Dennis: Oh, we're alright then, 'cos this lad here's a carpenter. [Points to Neville]

Neville: [To Dennis] Dennis, I'm not...

Dennis: Just get the beers in, Neville, okay? We're your lads, Mr. Pfister.

[Over a beer...]

Neville: Dennis, man, I'm not a carpenter, man!

Dennis: Did yer take woodwork at school?

Neville: Well, yes, but I...

Dennis: Right, yer a carpenter!

Neville: I'll never get away with it.

Dennis: Look, we promised to stick together, didn't we, eh? Now what's your Brenda ganna think if she thought I'd left yer in Mönchengladbach or somewhere?

Oz: Well that's us, Nev man, the Three Musketeers, eh? One for all and sod the rest!

Neville: Aye, but we all have could have gone somewhere else as brickies!

Dennis No, man. Look, Dusseldorf's the best place, kid, right? It's got the old town there, it's got all the good bars, man.

Oz: Dennis reckons it's got the best brothel in Germany! Just think of the postcards you could send your lass. "Dearest Brenda, weather good. knocking shop fantastic!" [He and Dennis laugh.]

Neville: It's not funny!

---

[Leaving the bar, the lads start to make their way to Oz's car.]

Neville: Hey, why'd you have to give that German fella money anyway, Dennis?

Dennis: Well, he got us the job, man. See, that's like his backhander, yer kna.

[A young lad in a red jacket with raven black hair with blue streaks, his bags, a spirit level and a Cockney accent exits the railway station]

Wayne: Oy, oy! What's the word, then, eh?

Dennis: Eh? What's the what then?

Wayne: How's it going?

Dennis: All right. [They walk off, but the man follows them to the car.]

Wayne: You said you were off to, er, Düsseldorf, is that right?

Oz: Er... might be. [They open the car doors.]

Wayne: Got a car, then?

Dennis: Nah, only this.

Oz: Hey, hey!

Wayne: Hey, any chance of a lift, like?

Dennis: I'm afraid not, son. See, we've got all wor gear an' there's the three of us, like.

Wayne: Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Do the same for you sometime, right(?) [Walks off, annoyed.]

Oz: Spurs. You can tell, man.

---

[Crossing the border from Holland into West Germany]

Oz & Dennis: [Singing] Rule Britannia / Marmalade and jam / Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole / Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang!

---

[Oz's car finally packs in on the Autobahn just outside Düsseldorf. They're stranded on the hard shoulder...]

Oz: [Under the hood with Dennis] Turn it over, Nev. Give it another try. [Neville does so, but it's no good.]

[A lorry passes by, but slows down on approaching the lads. The Cockney they met in Nijmegen pops his head out of the window.]

Wayne: 'Ey, 'ey? What's the word then?

Dennis: Choked's as good a word as any!

Wayne: [Laughs at the lads' misfortune] I might've given you a lift, y'know, but there's, er, not enough room for the three of you!

Oz: Ho'way with yer, London. We'll manage!

Wayne: See you in church! [The lorry drives away]

Neville: [Gets out of the car and checks underneath] Bottom of the sump's dropped off!

Oz: What?

Neville: The sump, man! The oil's all run oot! Engine must have seized.

Dennis: Can it be fixed?

Neville: Nah. It's a new engine, that. [Frustrated, Neville gets the bags out of the car.]

Dennis: If we get this fixed in a German garage, will the insurance cover it?

Oz: I doubt it very much, it's not insured.

Dennis: It has to be insured, man, otherwise you couldn't've got the green card to get the car out of England.

Oz: Ah, well I cancelled the insurance when I got the green card to give us a bit of spendin' money for when I got 'ere, y'see.

Dennis: You were ganna drive all the way to Germany without insurance? What if we had a crash? Eh? What if we'd ended up in a German hospital? We're not on the German national health, yer kna!

Oz: Well, we didn't, did we?

Dennis: But we could've done! What if the engine had seized on the fast lane, eh? One of the them big juggernauts up our arse?

Oz: We've never been in the fast lane.

Dennis: Should never have left nowt to you! [Slams the driver door shut in frustration] I won't again. You're totally irresponsible, you, Oz! It has to be said!

---

[The lads finally arrive at the site. The Cockney, Wayne, is already hard at work and watches them as they arrive. The lads meet their boss, Herr Grunwald, at the site entrance...]

Dennis: Herr Grunwald?

Grunwald: Ja?

Dennis: Reporting for work, sir. [Hands papers to Grunwald] Patterson, Osbourne and Hope. Er, Herr Pfister signed us on - two brickies and a chippie. [Neville motions to Dennis] Er, unless you want another brickie.

Grunwald: Why?

Dennis: Er, well we know one if you do.

Grunwald: Nein. [Dennis looks at Neville as if to say "I tried"] It is not good, I think, to arrive so late.

Dennis: Yes, well sorry, sir. We had a bit of bother on the roads. [Glares at Oz] Look, can we just check in the hostel and we'll get back here smartish, eh?

Grunwald: The hostel is full. You will have to stay on the compound. [The lads look into the site]

Dennis: I thought we'd be in the hostel.

Grunwald: First served, first come. Put your things in your hut. [Walks away]

Oz: 'Hut'? What's he talkin' about, 'hut'?

Dennis: It's pro tem, man. Pro tem. Howay.

[They grab their belongings and head inside the site...]

Neville: [To Dennis] You said we'd be in a hostel with table tennis and baths.

Dennis: Aye, well we would've been, wouldn't we, if we'd've been on time! [Oz doesn't respond.]

Neville: ...Where are we?

Oz: Stalag 17 by the look of things.

Neville: Eeh, is there anywhere to go round here?

Dennis: I don't know, Neville, you've seen as much of this place as I have.

Neville: Aye, but you've been here before.

Dennis: Not to this site, I haven't. Neville, I can't choose the site! I'm a bricklayer, I'm not a bloody architect! [Spots a builder walking in their direction] Oi! [The builder approaches, he's significantly taller and more well built than the other three] Er, excuse me, d'yer speak English?

Bomber: [In a Bristolian accent] 'Tis my mother tongue, my dear. Spoke it all my life. The name's Bomber.

Dennis: Which is the best hut, Bomber?

Bomber: Oh, I'd take that one. [Glances over to his left] The other one's got all the Turks in. We calls it the Casbah. [Walks off.]

---

Oz: Oi oi, d'you lads come from roond here?

German Worker: [confused] "Roond here?"

Oz: Aye, d'ya live here in Düsseldorf?

German Worker: Düsseldorf, ja.

Oz: Aye, heard it's a canny place though, but.

German Worker: Bitte?

Oz: It's not as bitter as where we come from!

---

Neville: Everything's a joke to you, isn'it, Oz? Just a permanent clown, you are.

Oz: Aye, well I'd sooner be a clown than a bloody misery like you! Yer like death warmed up, you are!

Neville: I'm not here 'cos I like it, Oz! Some of us have - like me and Dennis - we're only goin' through with this 'cos we've got a purpose.

Oz : Oh, I thought you just had a wife, I didn't realise you had a porpoise! What d'yer feed that on?

---

[Oz, Dennis, Neville, Wayne and Bomber get their pay packets]

Dennis: There ya go, Nev. That makes it all worthwhile, eh? First pay packet.

Bomber: And Bomber's last!

Pfister: What? You are leaving?

Bomber: And not soon enough, me ol' duck! Got a nice job lined up, I have. Bristol, new bypass. Good money, home every night and English ale. [Walks off]

Dennis: [Sotto voce to Neville] If, eh, they need a brickie, I'll steam in there Monday, all reet?

Neville: Great!

[Barry arrives at the site on his motorbike]

Wayne: Who's this then? Barry Sheene?

Barry: [Stops his bike in front of the three Geordies. Wayne also approaches] Hello again, Dennis!

Dennis: Alreet?

Barry: 'Ello, everybody!

Wayne: Oh yeah? Don't believe I've had the pleasure, son!

Barry: Ah, Barry! Barry Taylor. [Shakes Wayne's hand]

Dennis: Thought you'd, er, gone to Mönchengladbach.

Barry: Ah, I didn't like one bit, did I? Didn't like the place nor the site! [Looks around] This looks alright, though! It's got a sort of... better air, hasn't it? Need electricians, do they?

Wayne: Capo's in the hut.

Barry: Ey, I'll chance me arm here then!

Neville: [Holding up his bandaged hand] I do that every day!

---

Bomber: Bomber's ready. Bomber's away!

Dennis: Aye Bomber. Unstoppable.

---

[Dennis and Oz return to the hut after their first night into town, including visiting a brothel. Oz kicks a bucket over on his way in.]

Dennis: [Whispering] Shut up, man, you'll wake everybody up, man.

Barry: [In bed] Can you be quiet, please?

Oz: Sorry, sorry, I kicked the bucket...

Neville: [Still awake] Dennis?

Dennis: Aye? Sorry, did he wake yer up?

Neville: Nah, I wasn't sleeping. [Oz pulls up next to Dennis] Did yer have a good time?

Oz: Oh, hey, it was magic. Magic!

Neville: Did you go to the, er...?

Oz: Why-aye, I did.

Dennis: Oz and Bomber did. I gave it a miss, me.

Neville: Where is Bomber?

Oz: Ho, he's still there. I think he's bought a season ticket, Bomber.

Neville: What was it like?

Oz: Oh, Nev, it was fantastic. [Getting louder] I had this gorgeous tart, I mean, admit it, Dennis, wasn't she gorgeous?

Dennis: Yeah, she wasn't bad.

Barry: Will you be quiet, please?

Oz: [Loudly] Ah, bollocks, man! [Slightly quieter] She was Eurasian, Nev, yer kna... or somewhere like that. But, I mean, let's face it, yer don't get the chance with birds like that back home, do yer? I mean...

Neville: Was it, like, different, was it?

Oz: Cor! Tell you one thing, mate - sex is in its infancy in Gateshead.

---

[Neville returns to the hut after playing a game of football against the Turkish workers]

Neville: Turkey 2 - England 3!

Bomber: [In bed after a night at a brothel] Oh aye?

Neville: I thought you were goin' home today, Bomber. Shouldn't you be at the station by now?

Bomber: Should be, yes.

Neville: Better get yer skates on, haven't ya?

Bomber: Not going now. No point.

Neville: What?

Bomber: No money.

Neville: Ay, you're joking! You said you had nearly £900 to take home!

Bomber: I had it. Now I haven't.

Neville: Well, how many girls did you have?

Bomber: I went out afterwards with some of the Brits. Poker was my downfall. I was feeling lucky. I reckon the Williams Schnapps affected Bomber's judgment.

Neville: Awww. That's tragic! What'll ya tell the wife?

Bomber: Well I knows exactly what she'll say. That's why Bomber's staying. [Neville looks somewhat disappointed] Not the first time, boy. Daft as a brush, that's always been Bomber's problem. I get up and goes to work every week, hands it over to the wife, pays for the house, new clothes for the kids. Don't leave much for yourself, like. Suddenly you gets a great wad of spending money in your fist. Throws you off, don't it? It's a great feeling to be able to buy drinks for your friends, even strangers.

Neville: So... what are you gonna do now?

Bomber: [Gets out of bed] As much overtime as I can crack! It's the straight and narrow from now on for Bomber!

---

[It's the end of the second week on the site. Dennis passes Neville as he packs away his tools...]

Dennis: Hey, Nev! Capo tells me you've jacked it in. Well, is it true?

Neville: Well, yeah. No choice, have I? [He climbs down a ladder] See, if Bomber had gone, I'd have stopped, but... ah, I'm no chippie, man, Dennis. I can't go on faking it.

Dennis: Well, look, I tell yer what, I'll have a word, okay? [They start to walk through the site back to the hut] I'll explain the circumstances, I'll say that yer, er, dead keen to stay on. Then we'll just swap yer back to bricks.

Neville: Well, it's too late for that now, Den. See, I just rang the missus and told her I'm comin'.

Dennis: Was it a letter, like?

Neville: Nah, it wasn't her. She's put no pressure on at all. It's me, man, Dennis. I hate it here, I admit. See, maybe I could make £1,000, but it would take us six months, man. And I cannae stand the prospect of that.

Dennis: Yeah, it's partly my fault, I suppose, eh?

Neville: Nah.

Dennis: Painting too rosy a picture.

Neville: Nah, it's not that either. See, it's just... I know me, I know I wouldn't last the distance.

Dennis: Well, when d'yer leave?

Neville: Said I'd work out this week.

Dennis: Right, listen. Friday night, okay, you're comin' out with the lads, right? I mean, yer haven't come all this way to spend two weeks in a hut, readin' Oz's overdue library books.

Neville: Oh, I'd just as soon...

Dennis: Nah, no arguments. That's settled, alreet?

Neville: Well... aye.

Dennis: Great. Good lad.

---

[Neville returns to the hut after a wild night out after what he intended to be his last day on the site. He is somewhat dishevelled and very hungover]

Dennis: Look at the state of you! Where ya been?

Neville: Loads of places. Can't remember in what order.

Dennis: Well, where did ya wake up?

Neville: Railway station. On a bench

Dennis: It's a pity you didn't have your stuff with ya, yer could've hopped straight on the train.

Oz: Ay, where's Bomber?

Neville: I dunno, I think he went to the brothel.

Dennis: Well, you didn't, like?

Neville: Certainly not!

Dennis: Well, howay then, get yer gear together, and I'll get yer straight down the station.

Neville: Nah, I'm not going.

Dennis: What?

Neville: I'm not going!

Dennis: Let me guess why, you lost all your money, haven't yer, eh? You've blown it all on booze and gambling haven't yer, just like Bomber! Haven't yer?

Neville: I dunno how I ended up, man. (Stands up and takes several bank notes out of his pockets) I divna understand this German money.

Oz: Look at that lot!

Neville: What, did I win?

Dennis: Did ya win? You're rich, bonny lad! [Oz and Dennis sort through the money]

Oz: Well, comfortably well off anyway. Ere, we'll charter a 747 with this, we can have him home for his tea!

Neville: I can't go home. Ever. (Starts to open his shirt)

Dennis: Why not? Look, so you didn't stick it out, but you're going home with a wadful of money. Got nothing to be ashamed of, has he?

Oz: Oh, na!

Neville: Haven't I? How can I go home with this? (Shows a tattoo on his right arm - it's a pair of love hearts with the names "Neville" and "Lotte" on it)

Oz: Who's Lotte?

Neville: I can't remember!

Who Won the War Anyway?

[Oz, Dennis and Bomber are hard at work on one of the houses. A familiar song plays on the radio, a German language version of Sheena Easton's "9 to 5"...]

Oz: Hey, I know that one... [He starts whistling along, then starts singing] "My baby takes the morning train, she gans tae graft and... comes back again..." It's a English song, that, done in German.

Dennis: That's 'cos we're in Germany, Oz. That way they understand it.

Oz: What, they translate the words?

Dennis: Aye.

Oz: Do they still have to rhyme?

Dennis: Oh, I'm sure they do.

Oz: Doesn't seem fair to me. Copycats. Why can't they write their own songs? [Calls out to German workers below] Ho! Why can't yer write yer own songs?

German worker: Wass? Verstehe das nicht. (What? I don't understand that.)

Oz: Oh aye, it's easy for you to say.

---

[On another part of the site, Wayne is also hard at work, while Neville struggles with a saw. Neville spots another worker speaking with chargehand Herr Ulrich, who glances back at Neville...]

Neville: He's talkin' about me.

Wayne: Yer what?

Neville: The Capo. He keeps lookin' this way. He knows my work's not up to snuff.

Wayne: Could be talking about anything, mate. The weather, his dandruff...

Neville: Sooner or later I'm gonna get collared.

Wayne: Look, I told you what to do: every time a gaffer comes round, just whip out your extendable steel tape and measure something. [Neville does so as Ulrich looks over again before he and the other worker walk off] And you're getting better, mate. I mean it ain't the first time you've 'eld an 'hammer in your 'and, is it? You told me yourself you put up your Brenda's pelmets.

Neville: Aye. I didn't tell yer they fell down again, did I?

---

[Ulrich approaches the building where Oz, Dennis and Bomber are working...]

Dennis: Watch, here comes mein Fuhrer.

Oz: What, is he headin' over 'ere?

Dennis: Looks like it.

Oz: Right... [He sits down, grabs his beer and drinks it.]

Bomber: [Pointing his trowel at Oz] Is he barmy? Takin' a tea-break when the chargehand comes round?

Dennis: Does it on purpose, Bomber.

Oz: Principle, Bomb.

Bomber: I sometimes think Oz ain't playin' with a full stack.

Oz: Look, man, I don't go kow-towin' to authority like what they do. Yer put a chimpanzee in a uniform and they'd salute it. "I was only obeyin' my orders." That's like their national motto, man. [Ulrich speaks to a worker] And if you've got owt to say, say it to me face, pal!

Dennis: He's not talkin' about you, Oz. He's talkin' to the Germans.

Oz: He is.

Dennis: How d'you know when you can't speak a word of German?

Oz: I understand more German than what you think, mate.

Ulrich: [Approaching Oz] And I know more English thank you think... For instance, I know the English word "tea-break".

Oz: Look, Mr. Ulrich, I do me whack same as the next man, right? And if I do it any faster, it entitles us to take me tea break when I want to, alreet? Now at the end of the day, you'll find the same amount of bricks laid here as anywhere else on the site, alreet?

Ulrich: If this true... everything okay. [Oz nods. Ulrich turns to leave.] Danke Schön.

Oz: And donkey shite to you too, pal. [Ulrich leaves]

Dennis: Hey Oz, why do you antagonise people for no good reason?

Oz: Just don't like to see them Germans gangin' up on wor, man.

Dennis: They're not, man. Those lads are just doin' a job o' work, same as us. We're on their turf, man. We're happy enough to take their Deutschmarks come the end of the week, aren't we?

Oz: Well, what's that got ta do with it? Wa earn it, don't wa, 'cos we're the best!

Dennis: [Giving up, he turns away] Eh, Bomber, I tell yer he's always gotta have the last word. It's hopeless, man! It's like beatin' yer head against a brick wall.

Oz: Aye, well if yer dae, divven't bang it against a German bit, 'cos it'll fall doon.

---

[In the site office, Neville and Dennis come clean to Herr Ulrich...]

Ulrich: You are telling me this man has worked here almost three weeks without credentials?

Dennis: Oh he's got credentials, Herr Ulrich. But, er, as a bricklayer. One of the best, mind, I can vouch for that meself.

Ulrich: But he is working here as carpenter. How can this be?

Dennis: Well, er... I can only presume it was some sort of administrative cock-up.

Ulrich: Wass? (What?) [As this goes on, site secretary Dagmar is listening in to their conversation from the other side of the office.]

Dennis: Well, a mistake. A blunder, like.. With the agent.

Ulrich: I think not. [To Dagmar] Bringen Sie mir die Arbeitsbedingungen deshalb vom Erster September. (Bring me the workforce requirement from 1st September.) [To Dennis & Neville] My requirement is always exact. I cannot believe the agent would make a mistake.

Dennis: Well, he's handlin' people for all over Germany, I mean there's 30,000 of us workin' here. [Dagmar gives Ulrich the paperwork.] There's bound to be the odd error, like.

Ulrich: Herr Pfister is most dependable. [He goes over the paperwork] Ja. Here is my letter to Herr Pfister dated August 4th - my requirement is exact. Carpenters - three, plasterers - five. He sent four only - one comes today. Bricklayers... two only. There is no "cock-up".

Neville: [To Dennis] Ask him if there's any chance of a vacancy coming up.

Dennis: He speaks English, Neville.

Neville: Ah, but you always put things better than I do, Den.

Dennis: [Sighs] Look, Mr. Ulrich, I've worked in your country three times before. Now, you can ring round all the Stompenfuhrers you like, they'll all confirm that I'm straight, right. Now you lot asked me to bring people back. That's why I brought this lad here, because he's top rank. Now, as he was under my wing, so to speak, wa didn't want to split up. Now I'm sure the occasion is gonna arise shortly when you need another bricklayer. But in the meantime, he'll do anything you like. He can shovel. Fair enough?

[Grunwald, who was working in the office next door, enters and approaches Ulrich, who gets out of his seat.]

Grunwald: Was habt ihr Problem? (What is the problem?)

Ulrich: Dieser junge Mann sagte, er wäre Zimmermann. Es hat sich aber herausgestellt, dass er Maurer ist. Ich habe keine freie Stelle für solche. (This young man said he was a carpenter, but it turns out he's a bricklayer, and I have no vacancies for such.)

Grunwald: [To Neville] This is true? You are bricklayer?

Neville: Yeah.

Grunwald: What if there had been an accident? You would want compensation, ja? But the fault would be yours.

Neville: Oh, I never thought about that.

Grunwald: Ja. [To Ulrich] Sie müssen das selbst ausmachen. Ich bin schon fünf Minuten später. (You'll have to sort this out, I'm already five minutes late.) [Grunwald leaves the office]

Ulrich: [Sits back down. To Neville] You do not work today. I must think.

---

[In the hut, Barry is ironing]

Bomber: Goin' out, Barry?

Barry: No. None of us is. So we'd better vote what we're gonna eat.

Neville: Well, there's not much choice, is there?

Barry: Yes there is. We can have, er... [Checks the food cupboard] We can have sausage, egg and beans or sausage and egg, or, alternatively, egg and tinned tomatoes... on fried bread.

Oz: Well why can't everybody just have what tha want?

Barry: 'Cos it don't work like that, does it? You've got to abide with the majority's consensus. Otherwise, what have you got? You've got anarchy! Look, can I have everyone's attention for the moment? [Takes Wayne's headphones off his head.]

Wayne: Oi, do me a favour, mate...

Barry: This includes you, Wayne.

Wayne: What does?

Barry: From my experience, what each hut needs is a leader. Last week when I was working in Mönchengladbach, we had a bloke in our hut called Sid Henderson. "Hacksaw", we called him. And he was, like, democratically elected our leader. That way, we avoided a lot of fruitless debate about who was going to have tinned tomatoes.

Oz: I don't follow.

Barry: You will in a moment, Oz. Now, for example, one night we all wanted to go to the pictures. Some of us wanted to see The Empire Strikes Back, albeit in German, and the other lads wanted to see a Swedish sex film. So it was it was up to Hacksaw, wasn't it?

Neville: Why does it have to be up to anybody?

Barry: Because it makes life much simpler in the long run. Aye, we were all unanimous about that anyway.

Wayne: So, er, you're putting yourself forward, is that it?

Barry: Oh, no, no. Not at all. There will be a democratic decision by consensus. [Carries on with his ironing. Wayne puts his headphones back on. Dennis enters the hut]

Bomber: Hey, Dennis. D'you wanna be our leader?

Dennis: What?

Bomber: Barry reckons we needs a leader. Someone to make all the crucial decisions, like whether to have baked beans or fried bread.

Dennis: Don't look at me.

Oz: Well you didn't do a very good job with Neville, did ya?

Dennis: What's that?

Oz: Well, I'm just sayin'...

Dennis: Just sayin' what?

Neville: It wasn't Dennis's fault.

Dennis: I'm just talkin' to Oz, Neville.

Oz: Whose fault was it, then? He's the one that brought ya an' brought me an' all! Told me I'd be kippin' in a hostel. Instead I'm in a wooden hut with a bog 200 yards away!

Dennis: Yer like a bloody kid, you, you need wetnursing.

Barry: This is why we need a leader. To eliminate all this dissention.

Oz: Yeah, well I don't reckon we need a leader what backs down in front of the Krauts!

Dennis: [Getting angry] Backs down?

Oz: Well, ya don't go asking them favours, man. You lay down the terms. Just remember, man, they need us more than we need them!

Dennis: Oh, we don't need them do we not, eh? Why are we here, then? Come on! You complain about the conditions! You can't stand the Germans, so why are you here, Oz?

Oz: [Shrugs] Makes a change.

Dennis: "Makes a change"? Aye, makes a change from the dole queue, doesn't it? Look, man, we're here because we can't get work in England. You should be grateful for the Germans! It's thanks to them you've got money in your pocket, and having the dignity of knaing you've just earned it! I had precious little of that back in Birtley for the past four months, kickin' me heels, waiting for the pubs to open, pickin' up the bairns from school 'cos it was the wife who was earning. Aye, and watchin' her tryin' to make a decent meal out of tins!

Oz: Aye, I must admit that was the other reason I left - get away from me wife's cooking. But at least ye divven't need to worry aboot that nae more, do ya?

Dennis: [Angry] You what?! [Approaches Oz aggressively, but Bomber stands in his way]

Bomber: Oi, take it easy, boy!

Dennis: It's none of your business this, Bomber!

Bomber: The harmony of this hut is everyone's business!

Oz: Well what's he havin' a go at me for? It was a harmless enough remark, wasn'it? [Dennis backs down]

Neville: It was pretty bloody tactless! You owe Dennis an apology, I reckon.

Oz: Oh, I hope I haven't upset anybody, I'd be the first to admit it, I'm very sorry, I'm sure(!) All reet?

Bomber: There y'are, Den. That's the nearest you'll get to an apology from a prannet like him. [A man with a Scouse accent, a suitcase and a round package in a paper bag enters the hut.]

Moxey: Evening, lads.

Oz: Who are ye?

Moxey: The name's Moxey. The feller told me to come to Hut B.

Bomber: You sure he said Hut B?

Moxey: Oh aye, yeah.

Bomber: I don't think so. Must be some mistake. Try the next one along.

Moxey: Oh... Maybe I'd better check with the gaffer. Is it okay, like, if I leave me gear here for a minute? [He does so and leaves the hut.]

Dennis: What d'ya say that for?

Bomber: I reckon this hut's got enough problems as it is without adding to 'em.

Neville: Must be the missing plasterer, eh? [Sees the round package] What do you reckon that is? [Approaches the package]

Barry: Go and have a look. [Neville picks up the package and looks through a hole in the paper.]

Neville: Oh ey, it's a dartboard!

Oz: [Jumps up from his bed, opens the door and shouts outside] Hey! Moxey! Tha were right the first time, pal, this is your hut! [Moxey enters]

Moxey: Haven't got any darts, though!

---

[In the bar, the lads have just watched Neville's interview]

Wayne: Hey, she was a bit tasty that interviewer, eh? Old Nev should've steamed in there!

Oz: Aye, they've got some canny boilers, the Germans, like, I'll give 'em that.

Dennis: But nothin' else, though.

Oz:. Well, the beer's passable. [His comments start attracting the attention of a few German workers]

Bomber: You passes enough of it.

Oz: No, no, no. To be fair, I've only been here three weeks, I mean.

Dennis: Doesn't make any difference, does it? You could be here three years, and all you'd see was bierhalles, massage parlours...

Oz: So yer gettin' at me again? [Bomber nods]

Dennis: Look, you could use workin' here as an education, yer kna. You could learn from it.

Oz: Look, man, look. I lay bricks, that's what I do. I get up in the morning and for eight hours a day, five days a week, I lay bricks, alreet? It doesn't make no difference to me if it's Dusseldorf or Darlington. I just lay bricks man. [The German workers shake their heads and prepare to confront Oz.]

Barry: It depends how you use your time off, don't it, eh? I mean Nev's got the right idea, he's integrating himself, I mean.

Oz: Oh, has he?

Barry: Yeah, that's what Kevin Keegan did. When Kevin Keegan went to Hamburg, he made a real effort to adapt...

Oz: [To Dennis, who's gone to the bar] Get us a bottle, will ya?

Barry: And Mrs. Keegan! They learn the language, and they made a wide variety of friends amongst the German community.

Oz: Oh, aye? So how come he transferred to Southampton, then? I mean Germany must be pretty desperate if he preferred Southampton!

Dennis: [Returning to the table with some more beers] Have yer been there, like, have ya? [Three of the German workers stands behind Dennis.]

Oz: Course I have...

German worker: I have a question for you.

Oz: Oh aye? Wanna see me papers, do ye?

German worker: If Germany is such no good place, why don't you piss off back to England? [Dennis winces as Oz breaks a bottle and grabs the German worker]

---

[The following morning, Neville arrives back at the site after spending the night with Helmut and his family, and has been called to follow Herr Ulrich onto one of the houses.]

Ulrich: This young man starts work today as bricklayer.

Neville: Oh aye! Thanks very much!

Dennis: Yes, thanks a lot, Herr Ulrich. Much appreciated.

Oz: Well it's only fair, innit? In light of what happened, as I pointed out to you yesterday. [Points his trowel at Herr Ulrich]

Ulrich: Yeah, I agree it's only fair. But also I now have vacancy for bricklayer.

Oz: Oh, aye? How come?

Ulrich: You, Osbourne. You are fired.

---

[Lunchtime in the bar, after Oz is fired.]

Bomber: [To the barman] Six pils, and six rounds of ham and cheese. [Oz enters the bar, the lads say nothing.] What'll it be, Oz?

Oz: Just the usual.

Bomber: [To the barman] Another pils.

Barman: Him? Out!

Bomber: Oh don't be daft, he only wants a swift half.

Barman: He is not to come here!

Oz: Well what's I done now?

Dennis: [Gets up and approaches the bar] All right.

Oz: What's I done?

Barman: [To Dennis] Last night!

Dennis: That don't count! Come on, man. Give him a beer. [The barman reluctantly puts a seventh beer on the table. Oz goes over to the others.]

Barry: Did you get the boot then?

Oz: Aye, yeah. [He sits at the table, with the others, followed by Barry and Dennis, who puts a beer in front of Oz.]

Neville: I'm really sorry, Oz. I didn't mean...

Oz: Oh nae, it's not your fault, Neville, it's them bastards!

Dennis: Come off it. You've only got yourself to blame, you brought this on yourself.

Oz: How's that, like?

Dennis: Because you're always soundin' off at the Germans! They're just a canny bunch of lads, same as the rest of us!

Oz: Oh aye? Not that Ulrich!

Dennis: Well, alright, he's a hardnose. But it's his job, man.

Oz: Well Ulrich can put his job right in the shit, couldn't he, if you'd've back us up!

Wayne: What do you mean "back"?

Oz: Walk off in protest.

Barry: Oh, right, like a confrontation with the management over his unfair dismissal.

Dennis: What good d'ya think that's gonna do?

Oz: Well it's ganna leave 'em short, isnit? Then what's he ganna dae?

Dennis: He's gonna ring the agent and order another six Brits! He's got plenty to choose from, there's three million unemployed back home!

Oz: Well, it shouldn't be allowed. It's shouldn't! I mean, we've got wor rights, haven't we?

Dennis: We haven't got any rights, Oz! We're on the lump, man, we're black. Look, if you want worker's rights, then register with the Germans. Pay them income tax, welfare, insurance. Can't have it both ways.

Oz: [Quietly] Right. So... [Louder] So... What yer sayin' is you won't back us up! One of yar own mates! Is that it?

Dennis: Look, Oz, I'm sorry you got the boot, right? We all are. But I can do sod all about it.

Oz: Well you're the one that talked Grunwald into letting Neville stay, aren't ya?

Dennis: There were two other factors that helped Neville: A - the bomb, and B - your big mouth.

Oz: What?

Dennis: Look, I've seen blokes like you come and go all the times I've worked in Germany. Never been out the UK before. Never eaten foreign food, never drank foreign beer. Fish out of water without the wife or the mother to lend a guiding hand. After a week they've lost their passports, they've got pissed, lost most of their money, and become ridiculously nationalistic for the country that can't even bloody employ them in the first place. man! [Oz gets up and walks towards the exit]

Neville: Want another beer, Oz?

Oz: Me? No, no, I know when I'm not wanted? [Exits the bar.]

---

[Dennis is called into the site office. Herr Grunwald looks over the site plans with Dagmar.]

Dennis: You said you wanted to see me?

Grunwald: Ja, as you seem to be the lead person.

Dennis: ...Well, I'm not really.

Grunwald: No matter. The point is... you can get Osbourne back. He can stay.

Dennis: Really? Oh, thanks a lot. That'll be a relief to him.

Grunwald: Ja... I hope he change for the better! [Exits the office]

Dagmar: He is very angry to give back the job.

Dennis: Why is he?

Dagmar: [Pouring herself a coffee] Oh, because of the Germans. [She holds up her cup to ask if Dennis also wants a coffee]

Dennis: No thanks, no.

Dagmar: They say it doesn't make them look good if an Englishman gets fired because of an argument with a German.

Dennis: Really?

Dagmar: Mmm. So they said to him if he isn't coming back, we are not going to work.

---

[After the German workers convince Herr Grunwald to reinstate Oz, the lads decide to invite them to the hut for some beers and a game of darts. Bomber and Moxey put a light above the dartboard]

Bomber: [Plugs the light in] That's it. Perfect. [The light is a bit dim.]

Moxey: Could've done with a stronger bulb, though.

Neville: [Takes a beer from a crate] D'you reckon we've got enough in, Den?

Dennis: Well if there's not, it's easy enough to get some more, innit?

Oz: Aye, ey, they drink a bit, them Jerries! Maybe as much as us!

Dennis: Listen, Oz, Listen, everybody, it's because of those Jerries that Oz is still here. Don't want anybody forgetting that, right? [Murmurs of agreement] When those German scaffolders turn up tonight, let's all make sure that we have a good night. Agreed? You especially, Oz.

Oz: Oh, absolutely.

Dennis: And this darts match, right, it's not the World Cup, or a replay of World War II. It's just meant to cement the harmony and the goodwill amongst the British and the Erics. Agreed? [Murmurs of agreement] Good.

Oz: Mind you, it might only be a darts match, but us British have still got to try and hammer these Germans.

Wayne: What for?

Oz: 'Cos they're the bastards that bombed me granny!

The Girls They Left Behind

[It's Friday evening. Oz, Barry, Wayne and Bomber, along with other British workers, including Irish hardnut Magowan, wait outside the site office for Herr Pfister to arrive with their wages. Oz paces around before grabbing Barry's wrist to check on the time.]

Oz: It's ten to six, yer kna.

Barry: Yes. Yes, it is, yes, Oz.

Oz: Yeah, but he was supposed to be here at two o'clock!

Barry: Well, maybe his car broke down.

Oz: It's not reet!

Magowan: Well I can think of better things to do than hang around here on a Friday night freezin' me nuts off.

[Dagmar and Ulrich exit the office, their working day done.]

Ulrich: Wiedersehen, Dagmar. Oh, schönes Wochenende. (Goodbye, Dagmar. Have a nice weekend.) [Some of the workers wolf whistle and make suggestive noises at Dagmar as she walks past. Ulrich approaches Oz] What's this? Some kind of British protest meeting?

Oz: We want wor wages, don't wa?

Ulrich: It is not my responsibility, it's the agent who pays you.

Oz: We know that, we know that, we just don't know where he is, man.

Ulrich: This is your business, it is not mine.

Oz: Oh well that's alright, but if we don't get paid, we just don't come to work next week, alreet?

Ulrich: Well, then I send for more out-of-work Engländers. [He gets in his car.]

Barry: We'll get no joy out of him, y'know. [Ulrich drives away, but not before Magowan furiously slams his hand on the roof of the car.]

[Dennis walks through the site to the hut, kicking a bucket away as he does so. Neville and Moxey are in the hut. Moxey has a towel over his head as he gets some hot water]

Dennis: [Entering the hut] Hey, yer seen them lunatics standin' out there, eh? As if that's ganna make him turn up any faster, y'know what I mean, eh!

Neville: Mind, Mr. Pfister's never usually this late, Dennis. I like to get to the post office on a Friday night, that way Brenda gets her money first thing Monday morning. [Moxey pulls the towel all the way over his head and over the bowl.]

Dennis: Ey, there's no panic, man. I mean, yer kna, Don't forget... [Lights his cigarette] This bloke, he must cover, what, fifteen sites in a day, y'know. He could've got held up, had a puncture, yer kna, anything.#

Neville: Suppose so.

Moxey: [Lifts up his towel] It's like what Bomber told us the other day... [sniffs] ...there were thirty other Brits, y'know, when he was workin' in Essen a year ago waiting for their money. The agent never turned up at all.

Neville: How come?

Moxey: [Pulls the towel back over the bowl and coughs before pulling the towel back] Well, it turns out... he'd legged it to Hamburg. Left his wife, took all their money and some young Fräulein, y'know, from the a-architect's office. [Coughs and covers his head again.]

[Back outside the office, Magowan is getting restless...]

Oz: Well, I've had enough of this. I mean, there's no point in standin' here like spare pricks at a wedding, is there? I mean, he knows where we live, doesn'he? [Turns and heads back to the hut]

Bomber: You're right. Might as well get back and put the kettle on, eh? [Also turns and leaves]

Wayne: Ah well, can't keep a nice young Fräulein waiting, I'd better wash me barnet, eh? [Turns and leaves. Barry follows suit.]

Magowan: [Brandishing a hosepipe connected to a gravel suction pump] Well I'm gonna wait it out. Y'know what I'm gonna do when he does turn up?

Barry: Pardon?

Magowan: I'm gonna connect 'im to this hosepipe there and I'm gonna blow gravel right up his jacksie.

Barry: Ah, yes, that is one approach, Magowan, yeah. On the other hand, you could always take a hard line though(!) [Magowan throws down the hosepipe and glares menacingly at Barry, who promptly backs away and heads with the others to the hut.]

---

[Night falls. The lads are still waiting for Herr Pfister. Moxey is still under a towel breathing in some Vicks for his cold.]

Oz: [Looking out of the window] Well, that bastard still hasn't shown up!

Neville: [Writing a postcard] He won't come now.

Oz: And Magowan's still out there.

Bomber: [Cleaning his shoes] Best he don't show up then, if that hard case Magowan's waiting for him.

Wayne: [Drying his hair] Here, Bomber, what happened when that agent did a runner with your scratch?

Bomber: We went short. We could've capped him at Berlin, I suppose, but... It'd probably have cost more than what he owed us!

Neville: That's a disgrace! Have we nae protection against that kind of thing?

Dennis: Course we haven't. We're on the lump, Neville.

Neville: So what am I meant to tell Brenda?

Bomber: Tell her what I told mine - the truth, and nothing but.

Neville: Ah, I suppose so.

Bomber: Course, she didn't believe me.

Neville: I mean, Brenda counts on her money every Monday morning.

Oz: Well, I count on mine every Friday night!

Dennis: Look at it this way - if you stay in tonight, you save that much more.

Barry: Very true, Dennis. Saving money's the reason we're all here, isn'it?

Oz: Not for me it's not, mate!

Neville: Well, it is for me. Brenda understands that.

Oz: Well, Barry's not married! What's he savin' up for?

Barry: I'm the sole source of income in my family, I am. Look, my old mum relies on my wage packet since my dad... [Chokes up a little] ...passed on, and what's left goes into my account at the West Bromwich & District Building Society, for my future.

Bomber: The way you drives that motorbike of yours, I don't reckon you 'as much of a future!

Oz: Look, I'm not bovvered about the future, man. I'm bovvered about Friday night, which is now, in case anybody's noticed!

Dennis: Well alright, you'll miss one Friday night's bevvying, so yer can send the wife that little bit more, eh?

Oz: "A little bit more"?! I divvn't send her nowt to begin with, man.

Neville: You don't send her anything?

Oz: Well, look, it's like Den said, isn'it? We're not workin' here officially, so wor Marjorie still cops for the Social Security. If I go sendin' money home, it's ganna jeopardise her benefits, isn'it? So what I make, I do in on a Friday and Saturday. If there's anything left, well.. I keep that for Monday.

Wayne: [Now dressed up] You should learn to control your cash flow, Oz. I mean, if you had a more sensible fiscal strategy, right, I mean you'd make your bread last the week. And you'd be off down the Aldstadt like yours truly.

Dennis: Well, I don't know how you manage, the amount of women you take out!

Wayne: Well, this one's got her own car, ain't she? Well, that saves me the cab fare, don't it? And she's got her own place where she likes to prepare candlelit dinners for two. So all I've gotta do is fork out for a bottle of plonk, ain't I?

Barry: We could learn a lot from you, we can, Wayne.

Wayne: Fiscal strategy, son. 'Ere, Den, if Pfister does show up, collect me wages for us, will you?

Dennis: Yeah, yeah.

Wayne: Gotta go, lads. Catch you later! [Exits the hut.]

Oz & Neville: Aye. Ta-ra.

Barry: Ta-ra for a bit!

Bomber: Have to reconcile ourselves to a night in, I suppose. In our little home away from home.

Oz: Home?! More like a hospital ward since Moxey moved in! All we can smell is Vicks Vaporub and liniment and... God knas what.

Moxey: [From under his towel] I heard that!

Oz: Oh, yer in there, are ye?

Moxey: [Pulls the towel back] It's not funny, you know, having inflamed bronchs!

Oz: It's even less funny kippin' next to them! You sound like an asthmatic pit pony, man!

Moxey: Oh, get out of my face, Oz! [Wraps the towel round his neck.]

Barry: Oh come on, fair's fair. If it weren't for Moxey, we wouldn't have a dartboard, would we? Which'll help to while away the evening, won't it? Does, er, anybody want a go?

[There's a knock at the door, and Herr Pfister comes in, covered in gravel, and with a bloodied nose.]

Neville: Mr. Pfister? Are you all right?

Dennis: What's happened to yer nose?

Oz: Have ya got me money?

Pfister: I have, today, er... many problems on the Autobahn.

Dennis: [Sits Pfister down] Take it easy, it'll be all right. Neville, get some hot water. What's happened? Have you had a car crash or something?

Pfister: Nein, nein. This was your friend Magowan. He does not like it that I am late, I think. [Oz laughs.]

---

[Oz, Dennis, Barry and Bomber go to a bar in town. Oz gets the beers in.]

Oz: Alright, lads? Pass 'em along. [He puts the beers in front of Dennis to pass down the table.] Hey, it's put wor behind, hasn'it with Pfister being late.

Bomber: Still salvaged our Friday night though. [Raises his glass to Barry.] Cheers, kid.

Barry: We've plenty of time to do a bit of carnage though, Bomb, eh?

Dennis: Hey, I thought you were putting it aside for your future!

Barry: Oh aye, I am, Dennis. Yeah, but I still think, considering under which squallid circumstances we all live, I think it's very important that we, every now and again, you know, just sort of let it all hang out, you know.

Dennis: That's the main reason yer here, y'see. That's the main reason nearly everybody's here. It's not for the money you send back. You're trying to recapture your adolescence, which you lads missed by gettin' married too young in the first place.

Barry: No, not me, Dennis. No. Not married me, no. I like to stay free, you know.

Dennis: Well, you're the exception, you know what I mean, Barry?

Barry: Yeah.

Bomber: I reckon Den's right. We all took the plunge too soon.

Dennis: Nineteen, I was. Bloody madness, man.

Oz: Yeah, and your marriage is down the toilet now, isn'it?

Dennis: I beg yer pardon?

Oz: Well, face facts, Dennis. I mean, yer gettin' divorced, aren't ya? I mean, that's why yer shouldn't keep on to me gettin' on my back about my marriage!

Dennis: Oz, your marriage is a mockery!

Oz: What?!

Dennis: You admitted yerself you don't even send your Marjorie nothin'!

Oz: We're still together, aren't we?

Dennis: Oh aye? Gateshead's most stable couple(!)

Oz: Yeah? There's not that much competition up there these days.

Bomber: Look, we all got hitched for better off or worse! Come the end of the day, I reckons we all knows where our responsibility lies.

Oz: [Noticing a group of ladies walking past their table] Oh, look at that!

Bomber: I likes it! I wish I were their age!

Oz: Well I'm is their age! [Takes his drink and heads for the ladies.]

Bomber: Wait for me! [And so does he, leaving Dennis and Barry at the table.]

Barry: [Adjusts his tie, blushing] They're... very attractive.

---

[Back in Newcastle, Vera and Brenda are in a cocktail bar. A waiter brings them a couple of Blue Lagoons.]

Vera: [Taking a sip] Mmm, lovely.

Brenda: [Observing the bar] It's popular, this place.

Vera: It's Saturday night, but you get a nice crowd in here, I often come in here wi' Alan [Vera's boyfriend].

Brenda: Ooh, is Alan coming tonight?

Vera: No, I thought just us girls. 'Ere, I'm glad you came, Brenda, I felt so sorry for the girl [Oz's wife Marjorie.]. I thought if we all had a drink, it might cheer her up.

Brenda: What's she like?

Vera: She's a bit, er... hard, I thought. But then, I mean you cannae blame her, she's never heard a word [from Oz].

Brenda: Oh, we're lucky, aren't wa?

Vera: How, pet?

Brenda: Well, Neville and Dennis. Oh, I am aware of your situation.

Vera: Look, I know what you mean. Whatever happened between Dennis and I, he'd never let the bairns go short.

Brenda: How does she cope? Has she got a job?

Vera: She cannae with the kiddie. Alan thinks he might be able to take her on on a part-time basis.

Brenda: Oh, what does he do?

Vera: Supermarket management. He's running the new one up on the Crestleigh estate.

Brenda: I go in there sometimes, I must give him a bell for her.

Vera: Do. He's quite senior, and pulls strings, so he thought three days a week, you know, part-time, might help her out.

Brenda: Well it can't hurt.

[Vera notices Marjorie entering the bar with her hair done up and wearing a fake fur coat]

Vera: Here she comes.

Brenda: Is that her? It's not how I pictured her, somehow.

Vera: Yeah, she's a bit obvious! [Waves] Hello, Marjorie!

Marjorie: Hello, Vera! Eee, these boots are killin' us! [Takes her coat off and eyes up Brenda's Blue Lagoon] Ohh, that looks nice. Could do with one of them! [Sits next to Brenda] D'you mind?

Brenda: Er, no...

Marjorie: [Takes a sip] Oh, that'll do me!

Vera: This is Brenda Hope, Marjorie.

Marjorie: Hello, pet.

Brenda: Hello, Marjorie. How are you?

Marjorie: Better now I've sat down. [Shows off her high-heeled boots] I got these in the sale in Binns last January, I've never had the chance to wear them. D'you like them?

Brenda: Yes, they're er... [Turns to Vera and raises her eyebrows] ...very attractive.

Marjorie: They're supposed to be imitation ocelot.

Vera: I like your hair.

Marjorie: Me sister did it. She's sittin' for my Rod tonight, so she came 'round early, tried to make us look presentable.

Brenda: Is Rod your little lad?

Marjorie: Oh... Little devil, more like! He's got us run off me feet! [Lights a cigarette]

Brenda: Aye. Well they need a father at that age, don't they?

Marjorie: Not his, he doesn't.

Vera: Have you heard from Oz, Marjorie?

Marjorie: Ha!

Vera: You've only just written, now. Come on, give him a chance.

Marjorie: I've given 'im plenty over the years.

Brenda: [Interrupting] Oh, here's the waiter. [He comes over]

Marjorie: [Pointing to the Blue Lagoons] Three more of them, love.

Waiter: Anything you'd like, love. Compliments of those gentlemen over at the bar. [A group of gentlemen at the bar raise their glasses.]

Brenda: Eee! What a nerve!

Waiter: Anything you want, that's what they said.

Vera: Tell 'em thanks a lot but, er, we'll buy our own.

Marjorie: [Gasps] Wait a minute, pet. None of us are flush, are we?

Vera: I don't think it's worth it, Marjorie, if it means encouraging their attention.

Marjorie: Ohh, they're not all that bad! One of 'em's quite tasty!

Vera: Thank them for us, waiter, but we'll buy our own. [The waiter leaves.]

Marjorie: Must have been the boots! They like boots, men. Don't they?

Vera: Even so, I don't think it's a very good idea to encourage them. It's not what we're here for, is it?

Marjorie Well, no, but...

Brenda: Our Neville will kill us if he finds out.

Marjorie: Well, what d'you think they're doin' over there? They're not in a hut playin' dominoes, you know. They're out on the prowl.

Brenda: That's not why my Neville went! He went 'cos we're saving for a house and he can't earn the same money over here.

Marjorie: Oh, aye that's part of it, of course. But the main reason is to get away from home so they can act like a bunch of kids. When you're that far away, there's no questions asked, are there? Out of sight, out of mind.

Brenda: Neville phones twice a week, every Monday and Friday without fail.

Marjorie: No, but we weren't born yesterday, were wa?

Vera: [Interrupting] Shut up, Marjorie! Brenda and Neville are a very happily married couple.

Marjorie: Well, maybe he's the exception. I'm just saying that most of them, they're out there, they act like bunch of lunatics.

Vera: [Seeing that Brenda has had enough of Marjorie, mouths] I'll handle her. [To Marjorie] We were thinking of having a curry in that new Indian place, Marjorie. Or do you have other plans?

Marjorie: Oh, I don't like curry. Stays with us for days.

Brenda: [Now fed up] I don't wanna be too late meself.

Marjorie: I havvn't upset you, have I, pet?

Brenda: No, whatever gave you that idea(?)

---

[Back in Dusseldorf, Neville calls home from the bar on Monday evening.]

Neville: What's got into you, Brenda? ...What do you mean "loonin' around"? ...Of course I'm in the bar, man! That's where the telephone is, isn'it? ...No, there's naebody here but Wayne and Barry playin' cards. ...Eh? Oh, hang on, pet... [puts another coin in the slot] Hang on, man!

[Wayne and Barry are indeed at the bar playing cards.]

Barry: [To the barman] Two pils, please. [To Wayne] What about Neville?

Wayne: [Looks at Neville] He ain't started his first yet. Too busy getting stick from the wife. I dunno, comes in here faithful every Monday, fistful of change, five minutes after the cheap rate starts, rings the missus, good as gold. Gets a verbal bollocking off her. I don't understand married men meself!

Barry: I think I know the reason for this.

Wayne: Oh yeah?

Barry: Yeah, you have a deep-rooted dislike of women. [Wayne is somewhat taken aback by this] Which explains why you have no desire to form a permanent relationship. You're obviously the product of a broken home, right, where you're brought up by parents who fought all the time. [Wayne looks at Barry] I can see you as a child, lyin' awake until the early hours, listenin' to your parents fighting in the living room below. I think a thing like that scars a child for life.

Wayne: Well I suppose it would, yeah.

Barry: Bound to, innit? I thought I'd hit the nail on the 'ead!

Wayne: So, erm... How comes my folks have just had their silver wedding, then? [Turns over a winning hand with his cards. Barry looks confused.] Don't be so put out, they're over the moon about it!

Barry: No, no, you know, I'm chuffed for 'em. Really, yeah. Chuffed.

[Oz enters the bar, having fixed the broken radio he bought earlier]

Oz: Got it workin'.

Wayne: Oh yeah?

Oz: Listen to this. [Turns it on, it plays loud music.]

Neville: [Turns round, still on the phone] Turn that down will yer?

Oz: Ah, bollocks!

Neville: [Back on the phone to Brenda] No, pet! I'm not in a discotheque!

---

[In a bar in Liege following the Sunderland game, Oz is drinking with a bunch of fans in the background, while Dennis is chatting with a couple of fans at the bar]

Dennis: Well, one good thing about a draw, eh? You lot won't take out your triumph or defeat on the innocent bystanders of Belgium, eh?

Ernie: We're not like that, man! We just came on a trip, have a good time.

Brian: Aye, no bother. Mind you, there's always the lunatic fringe. I mean that lot over there. [Looks over at the group of fans Oz is sat with]

Dennis: How did you lads get here, then?

Ernie: Plane. We ran three charters from Newcastle. 42 quid an' all. Not bad!

Dennis: You lads not workin', like?

Ernie: Well, me and Brian are. Just. I was in the shipyards. Riveter. Now I'm driving a furniture van.

Brian: It's desperate up our way, man.

Dennis: Why do ya think I'm here?

Ernie: Do ya like it, do ya?

Dennis: Have no choice! I had me own business, yer kna, jobbing builder. [The group Oz is with start singing loudly] I worked me bollocks off for five years. Made no difference in the end, yer kna, went under. Still owe the Government VAT.

Brian: I thought I'd work in the oil rigs for a while, meself. That's good money if you don't mind spending your time up in Aberdeen.

Dennis: Aye, I spend mine up just the same. Dusseldorf, yer kna, Monday nights.

Ernie: Aye, are ya alright up there?

Dennis: Well, it's worth it, yer kna, despite the drawbacks. [Oz gets up to leave with the rowdy mob.]

Oz: Ere! Dennis! Me and these lads is gan up for some action. Fancy it?

Dennis: No, I'm stoppin' 'ere.

Oz: Ah, I've only got one night, man! There's nae point in stoppin' in one place!

Dennis: Look, you be at the station eleven o'clock, right? [Oz leaves] Look, the train won't wait for ye, and neither will I! [Turns back to the bar.]

Ernie: Who was he?

Dennis: He's one of the drawbacks!

---

[Oz returns to the hut after drunkenly getting on one of the charter planes to England and going home to see his wife]

Oz: Morning, campers! Rise and shine!

Neville: [Waking up] Oz?!

Oz: Well, it's not the Duke of Edinburgh, is it?

Barry: [Waking up] I was fast asleep...

Oz: Howay, Dennis, man! G'mornin'! Work to be done!

Dennis: [Throws his bed covers off] Why din' ya pack it in, man!

Oz: I'm back, man.

Moxey: Thought you'd gone for good.

Oz: Nah, yer can't get rid of me that easy, mate.

Bomber: [Waking up] Oh, I'm dreamin' and havin' a nightmare, Oz has come back!

Oz: Aye, certainly.

Wayne: Where'd you spring from, then?

Oz: Been back home, havven' I? Cadged a lift back home with the lads after the match. Well, why not, you know? Go back home, have a couple of pints with the lads in The Crow, see the wife...

Dennis: Oh, you saw her did yer?

Oz: Certainly. While I was back, I might as well sort her out.

Neville: Aye, I heard you'd been back home.

Oz: How's that, like?

Neville: I was talkin' to Brenda, she told us.

Oz: Ah well look, from now on, we'll just keep the wives' mafia out of our affairs, shall wa? 'Cos one of the good things is Marjorie doesn't know I'm in Dusseldorf. In fact, as far as she's concerned, it's the last place she'll think of lookin' for us! I'm not here, me, I'm the Invisible Man! [Checks his belongings]

Bomber: Well I can't think of anyone less invisible than you, Oz!

Oz: ...Hey, where's me stereo?

Wayne: Oh, I've got that, Oz.

Oz: Well ask next time, eh?

Wayne: No, it's.. it's mine now.

Oz: What?!

Wayne: Yeah, I sort of bought it.

Oz: Nae ya didn't!

Barry: Er, I think an explanation is in order. Err, Dennis...

Oz: [To Dennis] Yer, well?

Dennis: Well, Oz, it's, er... like this. Us lads, like, we thought we'd seen the last of you, yer kna. Thought you'd gone for good. So we said to worselves, "What shall we do with his stuff?"

Oz: So what did you do with it?

Dennis: Well, we went through your locker, you know, thinkin' you'd need the money. [Oz checks his locker] And the only things we found of any value were your donkey jacket, your digital clock and your stereo.

Oz: And they're gone an' all! Where are they?

Dennis: Well, eh, we had an auction, Oz.

Oz: An auction?!

Barry: It was a democratic decision. I've got the digital clock.

Moxey: I got the jacket.

Wayne: And, er, I got the stereo.

Oz: [Looks round] What a bloody nerve!

Dennis: No, wait a minute! Look, we weren't selling you short. I mean, we raised 230 quid! That plus yer three days wages came to nearly £400!

Oz: [Flabbergasted] Oh that's not so bad, 'cos I can borrow a bit to get back! [To Wayne, pointing at the stereo] I'm buyin' that straight back, mate! [To the others] Where's me money?

Dennis: Er... Well, the thing is, Oz, thinking you'd need the money, like, yer kna, we, er... sent it home.

Oz: Home?! But I'm here, man! What's ganna happen to it?

Neville: [Smirking] Well, I think your wife'll find a use for it!

Suspicion

[Torrential rain has brought all work on the site to a halt. In the hut, Barry writes a letter, while Wayne, Neville, Bomber and Oz play pontoon with a pack of lewd playing cards. Moxey is in bed with the flu.]

Barry: [Looks outside] It's like a bleedin' quagmire out there, innit? [To Moxey] Reckon we'll be laid off?

Moxey: [All stuffed up] Suits me. I'm not well. [Sneezes into a hankie.]

Oz: Still ploatin' doon, isn'it?

Wayne: "Ploatin' doon"? An' what's that supposed to mean, then?

Oz: Yer kna... hoyin' it doon, man. Cats and dogs. It's pissin' down, isn'it?

Bomber: At least that's English. It's easier to learn German than understand Geordie.

Wayne: Look, are we playing cards or what?

Neville: It comes from the French - "pleut". [Wayne rolls his eyes.] So, to "pleut" means "to rain" in French. At least, I think it does.

Wayne: Yeah, well you're an educated man you are, Nev. O-Level in woodwork. Can't argue with that, can we(?) [Neville gives Wayne the two-fingered salute.] Do you wanna twist or buy?

Neville: Nah, I'll stick with these, thanks.

[One of the Turks enters the hut to bring fuel for the stove. He leaves the door open.]

Wayne: [To the Turk] Door!

Bomber: I'll stick. [Gets up to shut the door.]

Moxey: Brought up in a t-tent you were, Ayatollah!

Bomber: Oh, leave the lad alone, we needs the warmth. [Shuts the door.]

Oz: Right, er, twist us a seven. [Wayne deals a card] Nine. Perfect(!) [He's bust, he throws his cards to the table.]

Wayne: [Turns over his cards] Eighteen, pay nineteens.

Neville: [As he and Bomber throw their cards down] Can you believe his luck?

Oz: [Noticing the Turk standing by the stove with the wood in a bucket] Just leave it down there, Ayatollah. We'll manage it. Just get out. [The Turk sets the bucket down and starts observing the game.]

Neville: Pleuvoir - to rain.

Wayne: If I'd known I was going to be put in with you lot, I'd have taken a bloody language course! I'd have gone to that place in Oxford Street, you know? The Berlitz School, and taken elementary Geordie for beginners! :[The Turk takes a keen interest in Neville's cards.]

Oz: Hey, Ayatollah! That's all right. Sling yer hook. Get out! [The Turk finally takes the hint and leaves.]

Bomber: Look at these cards. I must have killed a Chinaman.

Neville: A lot of Geordie derives from Denmark. Scandinavia. 'Cos of the Vikings, see? They came over our way first.

Oz: Well, they still do, don't they? They shop at Marks & Sparks!

[Meanwhile, Dennis is in the site office. Herr Ulrich enters.]

Ulrich: Ja?

Dennis: Er, just checking, Herr Ulrich, the lads were wondering what the possibility is of resuming work.

Ulrich: [Taking off his raincoat] Very small. The forecast is continual bad.

Dennis: Well, we don't mind working the weekend, yer kna, to make up for it.

Ulrich: No, it's not popular with the German workers.

Dennis: Well, can I just clarify one thing? I mean, we still get paid, don't we? I mean, the weather, that's not down to us, is it?

Ulrich: Well, the weather's very English, I think.

Dennis: Yeah, but we'd still get paid in England.

Ulrich: Ja, but in Germany, you're self-employed. No work, no pay.

Dennis: Well when I read the contract, it didn't read like that to me.

Ulrich: No? Please, read the small print.

---

[Dennis returns to the hut after meeting Herr Ulrich]

Dennis: Hey, I nearly drowned out there, man!

Bomber: What's mein Führer say, then?

Dennis: No work 'til Monday.

Neville: Does that mean no pay?

Dennis: 'Fraid not, bonny lad. Some chippies have got some indoor work, but us lot can forget it.

Neville: I was really hoping to put in some overtime this week.

Oz What, to compensate for your pontoon deficits?

Neville: Very funny(!)

Dennis: Well, a little break won't do us any harm, eh?

Neville: Yeah, but Brenda wants to retile the bathroom.

Dennis: Aye well, you shouldn't play cards, should yer?

Neville: I wouldn't be playing if it wasn't raining!

Barry: You really reckon Monday, Dennis?

Dennis: It's Friday now, Barry, and the forecast...

Neville: [Checking the change in his hand] I'd better phone her I suppose.

Oz: Nae bother, man. Just reverse the charges. It's only England.

Neville: I was really counting on that extra.

Dennis: It's bound to happen, man. It happens at home, doesn't it, the weather?

Wayne: [Getting up] If that's the word then, I know a young Fräulein who won't be too upset. I'd better press me old whistle, haven't I, eh?

Dennis: It's one of them things, Neville, man, yer kna. We might as well make the most of it.

Neville: And do what?

Dennis: ...I dunno. Somethin'. Pictures, eh? Hey, we could hire a car, couldn't we? Drive off overnight, like. [Sits at the table where Oz is still fiddling with the deck of cards]

Oz: Hey, how far's Berlin?

Bomber: What?

Oz: Berlin, man. Can we gan to Berlin, Den? I've always wanted to gan to Berlin.

Bomber: Why, for heaven's sake?

Oz: Well, I divvn't kna, man. I mean it's, er... It's historic, isn'it? I mean it's interesting. After all, it is Berlin, isn'it?

Neville: It's probably raining there an' all.

Oz: No, no, man. But think of it. Berlin, man! Yer kna, spies, the war, Hitler's bunker...

Bomber: It's closed weekends.

Oz: Ahh, do us a favour, man, Bomber.

Dennis: Hey, you could gan to East Berlin, Oz.

Oz: What? Behind the Iron Curtain?

Dennis: Aye.

Oz: Right!

Dennis: Let's all spend the weekend in East Berlin.

Oz: Sound.

Dennis: Apparently, it's the most miserable, depressing place you've ever seen in yer life.

Neville: What? Worse than here?

---

[Wayne goes on a date. He gets in his date's car]

Wayne: [Adjusting his hair in the rear-view mirror] It's worse than England!

Ingrid: What?

Wayne: The weather. It makes me feel quite nostalgic. [They drive off.]

Ingrid: What would you now be doing if you were now in London?

Wayne: As it's Friday, I'd probably be working. Or on the dole.

Ingrid: What is that?

Wayne: It's the unemployment. We're big on that in England. It's one of our few spectacular successes(!) Right, we've managed to put more people out of work than any of our European counterparts.

Ingrid: Yes?

Wayne: And then I've got mates my age who ain't worked since they left school. Mind you, some of them it suits down to the ground.

Ingrid: So, what do they do?

Wayne: Well... they sort of put their energies into other things. Hence the violence at West Ham.

Ingrid: What?

Wayne: It's a football team.

Ingrid: Oh! And you go to football?

Wayne: Nah, I'm well out of that.

Ingrid: I work in England.

Wayne: Yeah right, you said. Where was it?

Ingrid: Maidstone. It was not far from London.

Wayne: Maidstone, eh? No shortage of action there then, eh?

Ingrid: They were very nice, the family I work with. He was an airline pilot, and she too was working. She was teaching young children.

Wayne: And, er... that's where you learnt to speak such good English, eh?

Ingrid: Huh. I don't speak too good, I think.

Wayne: Yeah, well... You don't have to, do you?

Ingrid: [Stops the car] What do you mean?

Wayne: Where I come from, you're what's known as a very tasty bird.

Ingrid: That is what the airline pilot tells me!

---

[That night, the lads come back after watching going to an adult cinema in town]

Dennis: [Shouting] I'm home, pet!

Oz: Howay, Den, man! [The lads enter the hut. Oz checks the stove] The stove's always blowing out.

Dennis: [Noticing Moxey in bed] Hey, shh. Moxey's asleep.

Barry: Oh yeah, he was on sick this morning. Yeah, he saw the Kraut doc.

Oz: He'll be at death's door by now, then.

Dennis: Hey, he doesn't look to canny.

Bomber: Bomber might turn in early himself after all those Swedish sex sagas.

Oz: Divvn't dae nowt for me, them. It's like eating chocolates with the papers on.

Neville: [Checking his belongings] Me money's gone!

Dennis: What, Nev?

Neville: Me money. It's gone!

Oz: Aye, it went on pontoon, didn't it? To Wayne, mostly.

Neville: Nah, I'm serious, man! I always keep me spare cash in this shoe. It's gone.

Dennis: Hang on a minute, man. Look, is it not in the other one?

Neville: No, I've looked.

Dennis: It could be somewhere else, man.

Neville: Look, it's not there. It's been pinched.

Oz: Divvn't panic, you've probably just put it somewhere.

Neville: Like where?

Oz: Like a pocket or summat.

Dennis: Aye, could've been...

Neville: Look, Dennis, before I went out, I was cleaning these shoes, then I put me money on one of 'em. It's gone!

Bomber: How much has been taken?

Neville: Thirty-three quid. [Oz goes to check his belongings.]

Dennis: Look, you definitely didn't take it out with you?

Neville: I promise you, no.

Oz: [Checking under his pillow] Hey, me watch has been nicked!

Bomber: What?

Oz: The strap broke, right? So I left it here under me pillow, and it's gone!

[Wayne returns to the site. In the hut, the lads wake Moxey up and question him.]

Moxey: When I got back from the quack's, you'd all gone. Except Wayne. He was 'ere, doin' his hair. Then I went to get me prescription. Then I went to... bed. [Sneezes into a hankie.]

Dennis: Did anybody come in while you were in bed?

Moxey: I was flat out, wasn't I? Well, most of the time. I think someone come in, but I might have been dreaming. I've got a temperature, you know. I'm not a well m... man! [Sneezes again]

Oz: So you were just here on your own?

Moxey: ...What are you gettin' at?

Oz: I'm just sayin'.

Moxey: No, you're not.

Oz: Well, what's up wi' you?

Moxey: I know what you're sayin'!

Bomber: Look, boyo, you've not been in this hut long. The rest of us have. We're all mates, like.

Moxey: So what? I've known mates rip each other off.

Oz: Not these lads!

Moxey: If I wasn't sick, I'd have you outside by now.

Oz: [Getting riled up] Ah, d'you reckon, do yer?

Dennis: All right, hold your horses! Nobody's accusing anybody. We're just trying to establish the facts.

Barry: That's right, Dennis. [Wayne enters the hut. The others turn towards him.]

Wayne: Moxey died, has he?

Oz: You're back early.

Wayne: Well, I didn't pull. I mean, it does happen. I spend enough on her, though. Present, Chinese lunch, or was it Indonesian? I can't remember. It cost enough, though, I tell you that.

Oz: Flush, are ya?

Dennis: Oz...

Wayne: Well it was down to you lot, weren't it?

Dennis: What's that supposed to mean?

Wayne: Pontoon, weren't it? [Notices them all staring at him] 'Ere, what's the word? What's goin' on?

Moxey: He... he was here, with that old hairdryer. And when I left, he was still there.

Wayne: What's he on about?

Dennis: There's been some money took, and a watch.

Wayne: When?

Dennis: Today, sometime.

Wayne: No! Well, whose?

Neville: My cash, Oz's watch. Nobody else has found anything missing.

Wayne: [Turns to his locker] I'd better check.

Oz: No, maybes we should do that.

Wayne: ...You what?

Oz: Check yer tackle.

Wayne: Well, what a prick I am(!) An' I thought you were my mates. It's my second surprise today, ain't it?

Dennis: We're not sayin' nothin', Wayne.

Wayne: Nah, not much. you're just pointing the finger at me though, ain't ya?

Dennis: We'll just check your things. You've nothing to hide, right? It just clears the air, doesn'it?

Wayne: Does it? I mean, have you checked everybody else's things?

Dennis: No, not yet.

Wayne: Nah, nor ever likely, either. Bloody naffin' Geordie Mafia! Butter wouldn't bloody melt, would it?

Dennis: Come on now, Wayne. Look, it just simplifies things, doesn't it, eh? Look, we're not tryin' to prove that one of us did it, we're just verifying the fact that none of us did. We'll look at everybody's things, mine included.

Neville: [Steps forward] Look, I'm not sayin' it's you, Wayne.

Wayne: Yeah, not much(!)

Neville: None of us are!

Wayne: And I'm supposed to buy that, eh? You bloody Geordies, you think you're God's gift don't ya?

Bomber: Why are you getting in such a lather?

Neville: Wayne, listen...

Wayne: [Pushes Neville away aggressively] Listen? Bollocks!

Neville: I'm just sayin'...

Wayne: [Angry] You've said enough as far as I'm concerned!

Neville: Look! [Wayne pushes Neville again] Hey, pack that in!

Wayne: [Gets in Neville's face] Yeah? Or what?!

Dennis: That's enough!

Wayne: [To Dennis] I'm askin' him! [To Neville] Or what?!

Neville: Just don't shove me!

Wayne: Oh, piss off, man! [Neville swings to hit Wayne. Wayne ducks, and Neville hits Wayne's locker door, injuring his wrist.]

Dennis: [To Wayne] For God's sake, man! Pack it in!

Wayne: He swung at me, man!

Oz: Ah, you provoked him.

Wayne: But what are you lot doing to me, eh?

Neville: [Holding his wrist] Shite, I'm bleeding!

Dennis: [Picks up a shirt from the ironing board and gives it to Bomber] You're all right, bonny lad. Just wrap that 'round it. [To Wayne] Look, this is crazy, man!

Wayne: You wanna check my things? Go ahead. But I tell ya that's it!

Dennis: What's that supposed to mean?

Wayne: You don't trust me, do ya? You just go and look! But I tell you what, I'm shippin' out, mates(!) I'd rather bed in with the Turks than stay with you lot!

Barry: They can look in my things any time they like.

Wayne: That's not the point, man!

Dennis: No, look, he's right. It isn't the point. Look, just forget about it, alright, Wayne? Nobody will look in anybody's things.

Moxey: I've been delirious. I dunno who's come in.

Bomber: What are we gonna do then, Den?

Dennis: I dunno. Look, if what's been taken is on this table first thing in the morning, then we'll forget about it. Right? It'll never be mentioned again.

Barry: [Goes over to Neville] Er... Neville? Could I have me shirt back, please? You know, when you've finished with it, like. [Walks away.]

Wayne: [Sits opposite Neville] Are you okay?

Neville: I'll live.

Wayne: That might need stitches.

Neville: I'll worry about that in the morning.

Wayne: Look, I'm sorry, Neville.

Neville: No, it's me should apologise...

Wayne: I was a bit pissed off 'cos I didn't score, you know.

Neville: I thought you said she was the type you didn't give a portion to.

Wayne: Yeah, but I wish she had. [Neville chuckles] No hard feelings?

Neville: No, it's me should be askin' you that.

Wayne: Yeah, but you're a thick Geordie bastard, ain't you?

Neville: Hey, I am sorry about what was said.

Wayne: It's all forgotten, man. Go on. [They shake hands... but Neville forgets it's the hand he injured, and recoils in pain!]

---

[Oz and Dennis ruminate on the thefts in the bar.]

Oz: Bad for morale this, Den.

Dennis: What morale?

Oz: Why man, the morale of our hut.

Dennis: [Incredulous] The morale of our hut?! We're not prisoners of war, man, keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity. Ey, you live in a dream world, you do, Oz.

Oz: Well, what I'm sayin' is we're all mates, I mean, there's a certain sort of character to our group. That's it, we've got character.

Dennis: You live with a hut full of overgrown adolescents who are either boozing or moaning. But if you think that's character... [To barman] Zwei Bier, bitte.

Oz: Yeah, but we trust each other, I'll admit it. That's the point. That trust's in danger of... evaporating with a thing like this.

Dennis: Hey, I didn't kna you put such store in trust, Oz.

Oz: I do that. I mean without it, where are we? In the jungle.

Dennis: So you're convinced nobody in our hut's a thief?

Oz: Well, I kna. When yous were all havin' a shower, I went through everybody's locker.

Dennis: You did what?!

Oz: Well, somebody had to!

Dennis: Hey, what about this trust you're on about?

Oz: Well, It proves me point, doesn'it?

Dennis: Hey, you're a queer one, you, lad.

Oz: Well, not so much of the queer, mate. Anyway, cheers.

Dennis: Cheers. ...You found nothin' then?

Oz: I tell yer, the sum total of all our possessions wouldn't fetch a fart at a bring-and-buy sale. We're a pretty threadbare bunch, Dennis.

Dennis: D'yer think we should bring furniture with wor, eh? Cushion covers, d'yer think that'll be good for the morale of our hut?

Oz: Howay, man.

Dennis: You're a big daft thing, you, lad.

Oz: Hey, I'm shrewder than what you think. I was readin' this spy book, where this agent coats these secret documents with that special stuff, right? It's unseen to the human eye, but it comes up on your hand the next day. So, he knas which one of the passengers has taken the documents.

Dennis: Passengers?

Oz: Aye, they're on this boat, y'see, bound for Tangiers.

Dennis: We're in a hut, man, we're bound for bloody nowhere!

Oz: Look, it's just a simple lotion what oxidises. You can buy it in any chemist's or security store. Now, we could coat some cash, leave it lyin' around...

Dennis: None of us have got any money.

Oz: You won't take me seriously, will yer? I wanna nick this thief. He took my watch in case you forgot!

Dennis: It wasn't a very special watch, was it?

Oz: It worked underwater, Dennis!

---

[The lads question Neville in the hut after Oz and Barry spot him coming out of a pawn shop.]

Dennis: [To Neville] Look, I'm not accusing you of anything.

Neville: Yeah y'are, you all are! I come in here, it's like the Spanish inquisition! It's none of your business!

Dennis: I think it is, bonny lad.

Neville: But if I pinched Oz's watch, how much would that've fetched at the pawn shop?

Oz: Ay, it was a canny watch, that, man!

Neville: Oh, and I've just pretended to have me money pinched to cover up? Ohh, howay.

Dennis: Look, just hear me out, will yer? Look, you are the last person in the world to steal anything, right...

Oz: But yer have got money troubles.

Neville: So?

Dennis: [To Oz] Shut up! [To Neville] So, if you're desperate enough to get into hock, I'd like to know about it, 'cos I'd like to help.

Oz: Well, personally I don't think he's got anything of any personal value...

Neville: Oh, he still thinks I took his bloody watch!

Dennis: Oz, don't be a prick all your bloody life! Take an hour off, will yer?

Neville: Look, it's nobody's business but me own! [Frustrated, he sits on his bed.]

Wayne: Listen, Nev, what Dennis says goes for all of us. I mean, if you're strapped or in a jam or something, we'd like to help you out. I mean, that's the word, innit, lads?

Dennis: Absolutely. [The lads murmur.] Look, we're all in your corner, kid. [Sits on the bed next to Neville]

Neville: What it was...

Dennis: Look, you don't have to tell...

Oz: Naw, let 'im get it off 'is chest, man!

Neville: I met this lass, y'see. Nothin' special, but I didn't want to know 'cos I knew what you'd all think.

Wayne: Who was she, then?

Neville: Nobody you'd know. Anyway... I met her, right. And when I seen her yesterday, she gave us this present, er... a bit of jewellery, a keepsake, like. Then this mornin' I gets a letter from Brenda and... it just brought home how short wor are, or... how short she is, and then... so... I pawned the lass's present.

Oz: Oh, charming(!)

Wayne: Leave it out, Oz!

Neville: I know it wasn't a very nice thing to do, but like you say I was strapped. I got twenty-five quid for it, and that's nearly what I had pinched. It's one way of lookin' at it, isn'it?

Dennis: [Happy with Neville's explanation] Right. That's all that sorted out! Let's all go over to the greasy spoon, eh, and drink to this satisfactory conclusion. [To Oz, sarcastically] Eh, good the the morale of our hut? Eh? [The lads make their way out, except Wayne and Neville]

Wayne: Here, Nev. You gotta get that thing out of hock. Sentimental reasons, innit? Look, I'll loan you the readies, and you pay me back.

Neville: Ah no, no.

Wayne: No, you're all right. How about tomorrow lunch? You on?

Neville: Well, I do feel a bit bad about it. But... I couldn't give it to Brenda! Where would she think I got the money from?

Wayne: Later. I mean a birthday or something. Coming, then?

Neville: Yeah. Cheers, mate.

Wayne: All right! Coming down the pub?

Neville: [Getting up] You would've liked her, Wayne.

---

[The lads come back from the bar a bit drunk, except Oz who left early.]

Barry: Blimey! What's this? [Picks up a bank note off the floor.] Who's dropped this? Look. Is this yours, then? [Passes the note to Bomber]

Bomber: Oh-ho, I wish it was, boyo! [Passes it to Dennis]

Dennis: It's 100 Marks! Hey, somebody's flush [Passes it to Wayne]

Wayne: Or bleedin' careless. [Passes it to Moxey]

Moxey: Let's have a look. [Does so, then passes it to Neville] 100 Deutschmarks.

Neville: 100 Alfreds? That's worth about twenty-five quid, ah. [The lads drunkenly giggle, but no-one owns up to dropping the money. Neville leaves the 100 Mark note on the table]

[The following morning, Wayne wakes up. The Turk enters with wood for the stove.]

Moxey: Hey, close the door, will ya? It's worse than the bloody Arctic! [Wayne goes to close the door, but as he does, Oz grabs hold of his wrist.]

Oz: Got 'im!

Wayne: You naffin' lunatic! What's goin' on?

Oz: Look at this! [Holding up Wayne's hand, covered in green stains]

Wayne: What are you on about? [The others wake up]

Oz: I've caught the thief.

Wayne: [Breaks free from Oz's grasp] You lunatic!

Dennis: What's goin' on?

Oz: Look, last night I coated this note with this special stuff, right? Dennis knows what I'm talkin' about. The next day it stains your fingers, right? [Grabs Wayne's hand and holds it up again] Look at the evidence!

Wayne: What are you on about?

Oz: I doctored this note, didn't I?

Wayne: But the note's over there, ain't it? [Points to the 100 Mark note still on the table. The Turk also notices.]

Neville: [Looking at his stained hands] Hey, what's this?

Dennis: [Looking at his hands too] I've got it as well.

Barry: [Also examining his hands] Eurgh!

Neville: Hey, does this come out? [While all the lads are checking their hands, the Turk - the real culprit - takes the 100 Mark note from the table, completely unnoticed by the lads, and exits the hut.]

Moxey: [Looking at his hands, as is Bomber] Oh, no.

Oz: I don't get this.

Wayne: You daft..!

Neville: Does this come off? I've got a tattoo on me arm I don't want, and now I've got green fingers! [Oz just looks confused.]

---

[Neville exits the pawn shop. He joins Wayne who is outside waiting for him.]

Wayne: Did you get it?

Neville: Yeah. The decent thing to do, wasn't it? Cheers, Wayne.

Wayne: It was no bother, son. Well, show us, then. [Neville gets the jewellery out of the bag. Wayne has a closer look - it's the locket he gave to Ingrid on their date. He's lost for words!]

Home Thoughts From Abroad

[It's the end of another working week. Two German workers run past the lads who are waiting for their wages in the rain.]

Neville: Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.

Bomber: Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.

Wayne: Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.

Moxey: Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?

Wayne: Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)

Oz: Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?

Dennis: That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)

Barry: Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.

Oz: [Turns to Barry] What's roughage?

Barry: Roughage?

Oz: [Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?

Barry: Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]

Oz: Oh! Senna pods, like?

Barry: Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.

Oz: Oh.

Dennis: Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.

Barry: Oh, yeah.

[Herr Ulrich opens the door of the site office]

Ulrich: [Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.

Bomber: For me?!

Neville: Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.

Bomber: Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?

Neville: Aye, sure.

Dennis: Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]

Ulrich: Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.

Bomber: My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?

---

[Dennis, Oz, Barry and Moxey visit an Indian restaurant called Der Khyber.]

Oz: Would you believe it, eh? Home from home. Flock wallpaper, tigers... [listens to the piped-in music] Duane Gandhi on guitar.

Dennis: Aye.

Oz: The only think they haven't got's the Newcastle Exhibition ashtrays. [A waiter appears.]

Waiter: Guten Abend, mein Herren. (Good evening, gentlemen.)

Dennis: Er, Guten Abend. Erm... Vier Tisch, bitte. (Four tables, please.)

Waiter: Wie, bitte? (I beg your pardon?)

Barry: [Steps in] Erm... table for four, please. Four [Holds up four fingers.]

Waiter: Ah, so... Einen Tisch für vier Personen. Nehmen Sie bitte Platz. (A table for four people. Please have a seat.)

Oz: [As they take their seats.] Aye, that's it. that's it. D'you not speak any English? Sprechen Sie, er... the Englischen, like?

Waiter: Augenblick. Moment. [Leaves to get another waiter.]

Oz: Would you credit it, eh? Indian waiter what cannae speak English!

Dennis: Aye, well, we are in Germany, Oz.

Oz: Exactly! So why isn't he speaking English? I mean, he's one of us, isn't he? I mean, this is a curry house, isn'it? You cannae get much more British than that, can yer, eh?

Dennis: Oz, how many times have I been out for a curry with you in England?

Oz: [Thinks for a second.] I divvn't know. Half a dozen?

Dennis: Aye, and on each occasion, no matter where we've been, you called the Indian waiters there either Sabu or Gunga Din, yer kna. Now we're in Germany, you expect this Indian lad to treat you like some long-lost brother.

Oz: ...So what, like?

Dennis: You would have made a great imperialist, you would.

Waiter: [Sending out another waiter with the menus] Ich will nicht sprechen. Das hast du letzte Woche mit den Amerikanern gemacht. (I don't want to talk. You did that with the Americans who came in here last week.)

Second waiter: Du bist so unmöglich! (You are so impossible!)

Waiter: Mein Kollege spricht Englisch. Also, Sie können echt auf Englisch bestellen. (My colleague speaks English, so you can order in English.)

Second waiter: [Handing out the menus] Please. [Oz looks at Barry before taking a menu.] Please? [Barry takes a menu.] Please.

Moxey: Ta [Takes another menu.]

Second waiter: Please.

Dennis: [Taking the fourth menu] Thank you.

Oz: [Examining the menu] I don't believe it. The whole menu's in German!

Moxey: There's only one word I understand here - biryani. I don't even know what that is in English!

Barry: What's, erm... What's Bombay Kartoffeln? (Bombay potatoes)

Oz: Here. Here, give us them [Takes the menus from the others.] I'll handle this. How, Sabu! Come here!

Second waiter: [Comes to take their order] Ja?

Oz: Never mind them. Look, we want two beers, right?

Second waiter: [Writes down] Zwei Bier.

Oz: [Pointing to Barry and Moxey] Jug of water for these two.

Second waiter: Ja, ein bisschen Wasser.

Oz: Yeah, Savvy? And, er, four chicken curries with rice.

Second waiter: [Confused] Curry? Rice?

Oz: Aye! Curry rice. That's it. Mit chicken. Yer kna? Chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows.]

Second waiter: Ja, ja. Ich verstehe alles. Danke schön. (Yes, yes, I understand it all. Thank you very much.) [Leaves.]

Oz: Right, so, there y'are. He spoke English all the time. [Dennis just looks wearily at Oz.]

---

[Neville and Bomber stay in the hut. Neville opens a can of beer while Bomber looks at a photo in his wallet.]

Neville: Cheers, Bomb.

Bomber: ...Cheers, Neville.

Neville: There must be some way I can save a bit more of me money.

Bomber: Aye. This is it. Sitting in at night, feeling bloody miserable. A working man's entitled to his leisure, Neville. He shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Neville: Aye, I know, I know. It's just... if I earned a bit more, yer kna... I wouldn't feel so guilty about going out with the lads.

Bomber: Don't be so sure. Bomber's first law of economics is, the more income he gives me, the more I live beyond it. [Neville chuckles.] Perhaps you could do with a little spare-time job. A bit of moonlighting.

Neville: [Sighs] Fat chance. [Walks over to Bomber's bed.] Anyway, what are you doin' in tonight, Bomb? You're not saving as well, are ye?

Bomber: [Sighs] Not exactly. Bomber just needs to think a bit. That's all.

Neville: I don't wanna pry, Bomb, but, er... if there's any problem, yer kna?

Bomber: [Holds up the photo in the wallet] She's the problem. [Neville takes the photo.] Tracy, my sixteen-year-old.

Neville: What's the matter, like?

Bomber: She ran away from home.

Neville: Oh, no.

Bomber: It might be nothing, of course. She... left a note. It didn't say she ran off with a used car salesman, or some beat group.

Neville: So what are you gonna do? Phone the police?

Bomber: The wife already did that this morning. If we haven't heard anything by Sunday, I'll have to go back.

Neville: Well, look. I'll have a word with the lads, and we'll have a whip-round for your plane ride.

Bomber: Thanks, Neville, but don't do that. Don't want everyone with long faces.

Neville: No, I suppose not. [Goes back to his beer] Hey, d'you fancy a beer over the club?

Bomber: I thought you were trying to save your money.

Neville: Well... I am, but, erm... it doesn't seem that important now.

---

[Back at the Indian, the lads tuck in to some poppadoms.]

Barry: You see, fellas, the thing about Indian food is, right, that it's very, very, very low in carbohydrate. So that, combined with the various herbs and spices used in the cooking process, it all makes up for a very, very healthy diet, you see?

Oz: [Holding a stein of beer] Oh, aye? So how come they're all so skinny, then?

Dennis: They're not skinny. They're wiry, man, like whippets.

Moxey: [To Oz, pointing at his stomach] Yeah, that's what you'd be like you'd be without that ale gut.

Oz: [Glances at his beer belly] Hey, hey! This is all muscle, this, son. Yer kna, like the stuff between your lugs? [The second waiter arrives with their meal.] Ah, here we go! Four steamin' hot chicken curries!

Dennis: Oz, er, far be it from me to cast aspersions on your undoubted talent as a mime artist, but, er... that's not chicken. It's prawn. [Picks up a prawn]

Oz: Prawn?!

Dennis: Ah, yer kna, man. Prawn. [Squawks like a chicken and flaps his elbows. Moxey laughs]

Oz: [To Moxey] What are ye laughin' at?

---

[The following Monday, Bomber returns home to his wife as she's heard nothing. He comes through the front door.]

Bomber: [Calling out to his wife] Patsy? [She's in the living room, going over the photo album.]

Patsy: Bomber... [Puts the photo album down and rushes into the hall.] Oh, Bomber. I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.]

Bomber: All right, girl. All right. Is there any news at all?

Patsy: [On the verge of tears] No. Nothing. The police come round last night, after you phoned. They wanted a photo of her.

Bomber: Well, they're onto something.

Patsy: No. It was just routine, they said.

Bomber: [Softly] Oh, come on. Some keen-eyed young copper's probably spotted her even now.

Patsy: Oh, God, I wish they had! [Breaks down in tears] I wish they had...

Bomber: [Comforting Patsy] It'll be all right. What about a nice cup of tea, huh? [Patsy just about manages to regain her composure.] The young 'uns gone to school?

Patsy: Yeah, you just missed them. They said they'd come back dinner time to see you. [Goes over to the kitchen door.] Well, go on, then. Sit yourself down, I'll make the tea.

---

[Back in Germany, Neville rushes to the site.]

Dennis: [To Oz] Take this man's name, Oz. He's late.

Neville: I couldn't get the bed off me back this morning. I dunno what's the matter with us! I'm never usually this bad of a Monday morning.

Dennis: What time did you come in last night, like? You must have been late 'cos I was in bed at midnight, you weren't there.

Neville: It's just as well, isn'it? Or else the lads might talk.

Dennis: Just answer the question, eh?

Neville: I dunno. Half one?

Dennis: Half one? What were you doing 'til half one?

Neville: I was out. In town. Walkin', like.

Dennis: Walkin', like?

Neville: Aye.

Dennis: Aye, well, I suppose it's one way of savin' up money.

Neville: Aye, and keepin' fit. [To Oz] Hey, hoy us that bolster, will you, Oz? [Oz doesn't respond.] Oz? [Goes over and picks it up himself] Give us that bolster, man! [To Dennis] What's the matter with him? Did he fall out of the wrong side of the coffin?

Dennis: Aye, well, y'see, Oz reckons that you're letting the hut spirit down by goin' off on yer own, so as a mark of his disapproval, he's sent you to Coventry. Or whatever the German equivalent of Coventry is!

Oz: Dresden.

---

[Back in Bristol, Bomber goes over the photo album. Patsy brings in the tea.]

Patsy: Here we are. [Gives Bomber a mug.]

Bomber: Thanks, my love. What did this note of Tracy's say, then?

Patsy: Just says... [Picks up the note] "Nobody cares about me here, so I'm going somewhere else. Don't worry." [She gives the note to Bomber.]

Bomber: What does she mean "nobody cares"?

Patsy: I don't know. [Sits in an armchair.]

Bomber: The two of you haven't been rucking, have you?

Patsy: Bomber, we hardly see enough of each other to say hello, never mind have a ruck. I'm so busy, we only meet in the kitchen at breakfast and teatime. Evenings, she's doing her homework and I'm asleep in this armchair from exhaustion! If she had something on her mind, I'd be a fat lot of use to her. [Sighs] But then, I'm the only one she's got at home now.

Bomber: Oh, I thought this'd wind up my end of the table.

Patsy: And why shouldn't it? If you'd been here instead of in Germany, none of this would've happened.

Bomber: If I'd have been here instead of in Germany, there wouldn't be an 'ere. Them bloody bailiffs'd have us all out by now. [Patsy sighs] You don't think I enjoy workin' abroad, do you?

Patsy: Not much(!)

Bomber: Being separated from you and the kids is the price I have to pay for keepin' our heads above water.

Patsy: Life of Riley, that's what you lead out there, Bomber, and don't think I know that!

Bomber: [Gets up] Patsy, for pity's sake! Our daughter's gone missing, and listen to us. Now, I know you've got a lot on your plate, girl. Christ knows I do. But if I were to come back here to go on the dole, I'd drag you all under with me.

Patsy: I'm sorry. [Bomber sits down] I'm so worried, I've got to take it out on someone.

Bomber: I know, girl. I know.

---

[Back at the site, Wayne jumps down some scaffolding to join Barry.]

Barry: All right, Wayne?

Wayne: I might be, son. Look. [Points to a teenage girl at the gate of the site looking in. She looks about sixteen years old.]

Barry: Oh, I see. Yeah. While we ordinary mortals have to put up with a cup of coffee and a bar of Toblerone, Wayne's idea of tiffin is entirely different.

Wayne: Yeah, well, son. She's been hanging around for half an hour, so she must want something, eh?

Barry: I've never heard of rock groupies, Wayne, but never cement groupies.

Wayne: Yeah, Barry. I'll use that as my opening line. [Walks towards the girl]

Barry: I wonder if you can grow bromide.

[While Barry walks off, Wayne approaches the girl.]

Wayne: Guten Tag! Eh? Wie gehts?

Tracy: Sorry, I... don't speak German.

Wayne: Heyyy, you're a long way from home, ain't ya? What is it? A netball tour of Europe or something, darling?

Tracy: No, I've come to see my dad. He works here.

Wayne: Oh yeah?

Tracy: "Bomber" Busbridge he's called. I'm Tracy.

Wayne: [His face falls, knowing what Bomber would do to him if he tried it on with her] Oh... I've got news for you, Tracy. He's not here, is he? No, he took off last night, back to Bristol to try and find you.

Tracy: Oh, bugger it!

Wayne: Yeah. Um... [Looks into the site] Look, you can't hang around here, love. There's hordes of randy Turks on this site. Come up here. [They meet at the gate, Wayne gives Tracy some money] Take this, right? Now, there's a bar down the road. You can get a nice cup of coffee and a game of pinball. Er, if you hang on there 'til one o'clock, me and some of your dad's mates'll come and sort it out, alright?

Tracy: Ta.

Wayne: All right. [She starts to walk off, but then stops and turns round.]

Tracy: What's your name, then?

Wayne: Wayne, ain't it

Tracy: Thank you, Wayne. See you at one, then! [Having taken a shine to Wayne, she heads for the bar]

Wayne: Mind how you go, love(!) [Heads back on site.]

---

[While Dennis, Oz and Neville take a break from their work, Wayne rushes to them]

Dennis: All reet, Wayne?

Wayne: Bomber's daughter's here.

Oz: Where? Here?

Wayne: Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!

Oz: Where is she?

[In the bar, Tracy has attracted the attention of a young worker while she plays pinball. Dennis, Wayne, Oz and Neville enter.]

Tracy: Hello, Wayne.

Wayne: Hello.

Oz: [Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.

Wayne: Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.

Oz: Hello!

Dennis: Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.

Oz: [Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".

Dennis: Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?

Oz: Right, yeah.

Dennis: [To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?

Tracy: Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.

Oz: Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]

Dennis: [Sotto voce to Oz] Coke.

Oz: Well, she's just said...

Dennis: Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]

Neville: So, how'd you get here, then, pet?

Tracy: I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]

Dennis: Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.

Tracy: Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!

Dennis: Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?

Tracy: There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.

Dennis: Mm-hmm?

Wayne: Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?

Dennis: Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.

Tracy: Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?

Oz: [Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!

Tracy: Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?

Neville: The pool's empty just now, pet.

Wayne: Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?

Dennis: Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?

Oz: [Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!

---

[Dennis, Oz, Neville and Wayne smuggle Bomber's daughter Tracy onto the site past various site workers and past Herr Ulrich in the site office. They finally reach the hut.]

Dennis: Right. Take Tracy inside, Wayne.

Wayne: Here, love, come on. [Tracy enters, followed by Wayne. Dennis shuts the door behind them.]

Dennis: Right, Neville, listen. Nip over and warn Barry and Moxey we've got a lady guest, right? That means no swearing, no swanning around bare-arsed, no... [Quieter] No breaking wind, right, unless it's underneath the sheets. Okay? [Neville rushes off.] All that aplies to you, Oz. In fact, especially to you.

Oz: All right, all right, I know how to go on, man.

Dennis: And another thing, an' all, let's have all those pornographic pin-ups off yer locker, right?

Oz: That's not pornography, Dennis. That's art!

Dennis: Fräulein Oktober's art?

Oz: Aye.

Dennis: Look, I'm gan out to phone Bomber, right? Just get them off!

---

[Bomber on the phone to Dennis]

Bomber: ...Dennis?

Patsy: Dennis?

Bomber: [Breathes a sigh of relief] Oh thank God for that! [To Patsy] She's safe.

Patsy: What?!

Bomber: [On the phone] Yes? ...Yes? ...I think that's the best as well.

Patsy: [Excited] Oh, Bomber...

Bomber: [On the phone] I'll head straight back there now. Cheers, Dennis. And thanks. [Puts the phone down.]

Patsy: Whatever's happened?

Bomber: You'll never guess what. Tracy turned up this morning, looking for me.

Patsy: In Germany?!

Bomber: Got all the way over there by herself!

Patsy: [Relieved] Oh! [Hugs Bomber] Oh, my God! [Sits down] Oh... will she be all right?

Bomber: She'll be find, don't worry. She's staying in the hut with Dennis and Neville. [Suddenly realises] ...and Wayne... and Oz!

---

[While Oz smuggles Tracy out so she can use the toilet.]

Dennis: Right, lads! I reckon we should go down the club.

Wayne: Eh, hold on! What are we gonna do about Tracy, eh? We can't take her down the club! Apart from six geezers and one bird, lookin' a bit dodgy, mate! She can probably drink us right under the table!

Dennis: I know, and that's exactly, why you're gonna stay here and look after her.

Wayne: ME?!

Neville: Wayne?!

Dennis: Yes, Wayne. Look man, you've got much more in common with her than anybody else. I mean things like, er, music.. and hair... earrings...

Neville: Hold on, Dennis. I don't mean to be rude, but is Wayne really the right bloke to be babysitting a sixteen-year-old girl?

Barry: Yeah, it'll be like putting the rat in charge of the cheese larder!

Wayne: I don't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by you lot!

Dennis: Look man, I can't do it, can I? I'm old enough to be her father. I mean, Neville, he'd be the obvious choice, but he's going out again, isn't he? I mean... Barry and Moxey would bore the poor girl to death with their herb talk, wouldn't they, eh? And guarding a bog door's about the limit of Oz's responsibility! So that just leaves you, son!

Wayne: Yeah, well I can see your reasoning, Den, but look, you can't have helped but notice that Tracy's a bit of a... you know, she's a little bit of a come-on, isn't she?

Dennis: Yes, I know! And who better to cope with her than a man of the world like you, Wayne, eh?

Moxey: I've got it. It's like them American TV films in there, you know? Where they get an ex-con to go after with the bad guys. 'Cos he's the one who knows how they think.

Dennis: Moxey, you've just hit the nail on the head, son!

Wayne: Oh, well thank you for that tribute, Moxey(!) ...So you all trust me then, is that it?

Dennis: Course we trust you. Look, I mean... You know that she's Bomber's daughter, don't you?

Wayne: Yeah...

Dennis: And you know that we've put our complete trust and faith in you? And you know that, er, if you lay so much as one finger on her, we'll have your plums on a skewer.

---

[Later that evening, all the lads have gone to the bar except Wayne, who's been tasked with looking after Tracy.]

Wayne: [Calling out to Barry] Thanks a lot, mate. I owe you one. [Barry revs his bike and rides off. He's delivered some McDonald's.] Here we go, love. The perfect TV dinner. All we need now is a TV.

Tracy: I didn't know they had McDonald's in Germany.

Wayne: Oh, yeah. They're everywhere, love. Today Germany, tomorrow the vorld! Right, that's eine Große Mac mit French fries, courtesy of Barry the Radish and his delivery bike.

Tracy: Ta. Er... I hope I didn't upset him, calling him that.

Wayne: [Getting a beer] Nah, you're all right, love. He's used to a lot worse.

Tracy: Don't I get one?

Wayne: What would your dad say, eh?

Tracy: "Get stuck in, girl", I should think!

Wayne: [Gives her the beer he just opened] Go on, then. Just the one, though, eh? [Goes to his locker and gets another beer.]

Tracy: [Divvying up the food] I expect you think I'm a right prat, going on about that hotel. I just didn't twig that you all actually lived in here.

Wayne: Er... no. We find it a bit hard to believe ourselves, love. [Pulls up a chair and sits backwards on it]

Tracy: That was my mum's fault, see. She told me dad was over here having a whale of a time.

Wayne: Oh? Now you know different, don't you? I mean, we go out for the odd drink and the occasional meal an' that, but it's only so's we can get out of this place, though.

Tracy: [By this point now reclining on Wayne's bed] I, er... suppose you see a lot of girls.

Wayne: [Pauses] No, not really. Just three or four a week, you know. I reckon it's the earring and the accent they go for. Well, it can't be anything else, can it?

Tracy: Oh, I dunno. I think you're very attractive.

Wayne: Yeah? Huh... I don't think you should be talking to your babysitter like that, Tracy.

Tracy: Don't you fancy me, then?

Wayne: Yeah, course I do. Er... it just so happens you're the daughter of a much valued workmate, and I'm under oath, ain't I, apart from the threat of castration, to, er, behave myself?

Tracy: Nobody would know though, would they?

Wayne: Look, Tracy, can we drop this, love?

Tracy: [Innocently] Drop what?

Wayne: This, er, Lolita act. [Gets up and takes his chair away]

Tracy: It's not an act!

Wayne: Of course it is. [Takes his food off the bed and puts it on the table] I know when a bird's for real or not. And your life is straight out of Tracie or My Guy or whatever you call them teenage magazines. [Tracy stares down at her food] What I'm trying to say is, love, is that you're a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl. I mean, you're not a raver, you're not a heavy drinker, or a foul-mouthed slagette. [Turns away from her, frustrated] So why come on like one? Now just eat your chips!

Tracy: [Sobbing] 'Cos it helps get me noticed! My mum's too busy with the other kids to listen to me, and my dad's never around! What am I supposed to do? Grow up by myself?

Wayne: [Turns back towards Tracy] Look, Tracy, none of us is here to get away from our families, you know. ...Well, Oz is. And there's Dennis's problem to a certain extent. But not Bomber! [Goes to the bed and sits next to Tracy and comforts her] He's doing it all for you, sweetheart. And... you can make it all worthwhile, couldn't you, by making him feel proud of you?

Tracy: I know. I don't really want to hurt him. He's a great bloke. I suppose I just want to be sure he still cares about me.

Wayne: Yeah, all right. [Gets up off the bed.] I don't think there's much doubt about that.

Bomber: [Rushes into the hut] Tracy!

Tracy: Dad!

Bomber: Are you all right, love? [They hug. Wayne puts his jacket on. his babysitting job done.]

Wayne: [To Tracy] Hey, now you tell your dad exactly what you told me, eh? [To both] And I'll see you down the bar for a quick lemonade, all right?

Bomber: Thanks, Wayne.

Wayne: Any time. [Leaves the hut. Bomber and Tracy hug again.]

---

[The lads, with Tracy, but minus Neville, return to the Indian restaurant. Tracy's choice.]

Waiter: Guten Abend.

Bomber: Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?

Waiter: Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]

Oz: Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]

Tracy: [To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?

Bomber: Very nice. Very nice.

Wayne: [To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.

Moxey: Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]

Barry: Ha-ha. Very funny(!)

Dennis: Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?

Oz: All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]

Dennis: Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!

Wayne: [Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!

Neville: [Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!

Bomber: Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]

Dennis: [Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...

All: Goodness gracious me!

Neville: [Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!

Dennis: What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?

Neville: Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.

Wayne: Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?

Neville: Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?

Oz: So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?

Neville: Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.

Oz: I still dunno where Minorca is.

Neville: How do you think I feel? Neither do I!

Dennis: How much do ya need, then?

Neville: That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.

Dennis: Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?

Oz: Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?

All: [Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!

Wayne: [Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!

Oz: Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]

The Accused

Neville: Just got up an hour ago. Slept like a log.

Dennis: Woke up in the fireplace, eh?

---

[Neville is accused of assaulting a German woman called Bettina, whom he escorted home. Bettina has given her statement to the police.]

Police Captain: [Reading back her statement] "...je mehn ich loszukommen versuchte, desto gewaltsamer wurde er. Er schlug mir auf den Kopf und schlug auf mein Gesicht gegen die Hauswand. Er hörte auf, als ich zu Boden fiel und weinte. Er trat noch mal nach mir, auch ins Gesicht bevor er wegrannte. Und er schrie an meinen Nachbarn nitchs anzufangen. Ich versichere alle Angaben der Wahrheit ansprechen nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen gemacht zu haben." ("...the more I tried to get away, the more violent he became. He hit my head and hit my face against a wall. He stopped when I fell to the ground and cried. He kicked me again, including in the face, before he ran away. Then he told my neighbours not to interfere. I assure you that I address all statements of truth to the best of my knowledge and belief.")

[He hands the statement back to Bettina to sign]

Police Captain: Bevor sie unterschreiben, möchte ich dass sie es noch einmal durchlesen. Lesen Sie es sorgfältig und lassen Sie sich Zeit. Vielleicht möchten Sie etwas ändern oder vielleicht ist etwas Ihrer Aufmerksamkeit entgangen. Möchten Sie einen Kaffee? (Before you sign, I want you to read it over again. Read it carefully and take your time. Maybe you want to change something, or maybe something has escaped your attention. Would you like a coffee?)

Bettina: Ja, bitte. (Yes, please.)

Police Captain: Ich lasse welchen kommen. (I'll have it brought to you.) [He opens the door to his office.] Wie gesagt... Lassen Sie sich Zeit. (Like I said... take your time.)

[Meanwhile, Neville is in an interview room. The Captain comes in.]

Neville: [Frightened] Please... Why am I here? [The Captain doesn't answer] Me hier, Herren, why?

Police Captain: Ich glaube das doch wohl vollkommen klar. (I think it's quite clear why.)

Neville: I don't understand German. Doesn't anybody here speak English? Will somebody tell us what's going on?

Police Captain: Ihr scheint immer noch nicht zu wissen was Sie angerichtet haben. Letzte nacht, warten Sie das junge Mädchen nach Hause. Sie versuchen sich ihr sexuell zu nähern. Wenn sie ablehnte, worden Sie aggresiv un greifen Sie gewaltsam an! (You still don't seem to know what you've done. Last night, you walked that young girl home. You made sexual advances on her, and when she refused, you became aggressive and violently attacked her!)

Neville: [Even more frightened] I don't understand...

---

[Back at the site office, Dennis meets with Herr Grunwald. Dagmar is listening in the other office.]

Grunwald: The police say that the girl... she was assaulted, beaten up.

Dennis: Yeah, well, anybody could see that. What's that got to do with Neville?

Grunwald: You saw what happened. She pointed him out. Last night, she say he beat her up.

Dennis: That's bloody madness, man. Look, yer know young Neville, you know he's not capable of a thing like that! Don't yer?!

Grunwald: It would surprise me, yes I admit.

Dennis: It bastard should!

Grunwald: It is in police hands, all right?

Dennis: No, it's not all right! Look, that young lad's down that cop shop, right? He's alone, he'll be scared stiff! He'll need a lawyer.Now you give me an hour off work, I'll get down there and try to sort it out.

Grunwald: ...all right. He should have help. [Dennis turns and leaves the office.]

Dagmar: Wait for me! [Gets up.]

Grunwald: Wo denken Sie, wo Sie hingehen? (Where do you think you're going?)

Dagmar: Wir brauchen jemand zum dolmetschen. (We'll need someone to interpret.)

Grunwald: Sie haben Ihre Arbeit. (You have work to do.)

Dagmar: Ich geh' mit ihm. (I'm going with him.) [She leaves her office.]

---

[In the interview room, Neville and the Captain are with an interpreter typist getting Neville's statement]

Neville: ...I dropped her off at her apartment. [The typist writes that up.]

Police Captain: You go with girl?

Neville: Pardon?

Police Captain: [To the typist] Fragen Sie, ob er zusammen mit den Mädchen aus dem Taxi gesteigen ist. (Ask him if he got out of the taxi with the girl.)

Typist: [To Neville] You went with her... to her apartment?

Neville: Well, she asked us to. She said it was dark and she asked us to take her in. But I only went part of the way. Then... [The Captain gets up.] ...she asked us inside, but I said, "No, I had to get back." So, I left her and went to find another cab.

Police Captain: [To the typist] Fragen Sie wie lange es gedauert hat bevor das andere Taxi bekam. (Ask him how long it took before another taxi came.)

Typist: [To Neville] How long did it take you to get another cab?

Neville: Only about ten minutes. I was back in the hut soon after.

Typist: [To the Captain] Er hat ungefähr zehn Minuten und ist kurz nach zurück in der Baracke gegangen. (It took him ten minutes, then he went back to his hut shortly after.)

Police Captain: Das is Zeit genug. (That's enough time.)

Neville: [To the typist] What did he say?

Typist: He said it was long enough.

Neville: Long enough for what? I was only with her a minute at the most. (The Captain takes the statement from the typewriter) It took us about ten minutes to find a cab. You can check the times with the barman, and all me mates, and both cabbies. [The Captain and the typist leave the room.]

[Dennis and Dagmar are waiting. Dagmar has a word with the Captain behind closed doors. She returns to Dennis.]

Dennis: What did he say?

Dagmar: He said he wants to question you and everybody who was with Neville that night. He's coming back to the building site with us.

Dennis: Well, can I not go and see the lad?

Dagmar: Please, Dennis. It'll not help.

---

[Dennis and Helmut go to the station to speak to Neville's lawyer]

Hans: [To Police Officer] Ein Kollege von dem Neville Hope wartet draussen auf mich. (A colleague of Neville Hope is waiting for me outside.) [He goes into the waiting room] Ah, hello. Hans Bauer.

Dennis: Dennis Patterson. [They shake hands.] You're the chap I spoke to on the phone. You're Neville's...

Hans: I'm his defence. If it goes that far.

Dennis: Thank God you speak good English.

Hans: [Laughs] The Dusseldorf judiciary knows that only too well. They give me many Engländer... oh, I'm sorry, I mean Englishmen. Oh, and Scots too. Football hooligans - my butter and bread.

Dennis: I've brought a German friend just in case.

Helmut: Helmut Fischer.

Hans: Bauer. Angenehm. (My pleasure.) [They shake hands.]

Helmut: Ganz meinerseits. (The pleasure's all mine. )

Hans: Dann nehmen wir doch mal einen Augenblick hier Platz. (Let's take a seat for a moment.) [They sit down]

Dennis: What did you mean, "If it goes that far"?

Hans: I think there is not a case. I've now seen copies of the girl's statement and also the report from the police log. I'll give you translations, of course. You'll see, there are many holes. However, I must now do some homework of my own, just in case. See witnesses, verify facts, et cetera, et cetera.

Dennis: Well, I can bring the lads in whenever you like.

Hans: Oh, good. Yes, please.

Helmut: Aber sollten wir nicht über all das weiter reden, wenn Neville entlassen ist? (Shouldn't we keep talking about all this after Neville is released?)

Hans: Damit haben Sie natürlich vollkommen recht. Sicher. (Of course, you're absolutely right. Certainly.) [To Dennis] Oh, he says maybe we should discuss all this after we get Neville out.

Dennis: I got that, yeah. That's a good idea.

Hans: Er, did you bring the... the surety?

Dennis: Yeah, it's all here. [Helmut produces a bag full of money and gives it to Dennis.] It'll just need a lot of counting. [He gives the bag to Hans.]

Hans: Oh! Did you win all this in a poker school?

Dennis: No, no. We had a whip-round.

Hans: ...I'm sorry?

Helmut: Die Jungs haben zusammengelegt. (The guys at work chipped in.)

Hans: Oh, ausgezeichnet! Das bedeutet doch wohl, daß... (Oh, excellent! That means that...) Neville has many good friends, nicht wahr? (Hasn't he?)

---

[Neville is released on bail. He's in a taxi with Dennis and Helmut. Dennis lights a cigarette.]

Dennis: D'ya wanna stop for a drink?

Neville: [Sighs] No. Just let's get back, eh?

Dennis: Eh, we would've had you out earlier, yer kna, if we'd had the money.

Neville: [Still shaken] Mr. Bauer said the lads had had a whip-round, like.

Dennis: Right, and you can thank Helmut and all the Erics for that.

Neville: [To Helmut] I cannae thank you enough! [He starts crying.]

Dennis: Howay, bonny lad. Get it out of your system, and then you can face the lads. Hey, they're all dyin' to see you, Nev.

Neville: [Fighting back the tears] I never thought I'd... miss Oz!

---

[Back at the hut, Dennis goes through the police report with the lads and Helmut.]

Dennis: Bauer's right. It's full of holes. Look! According to this police report, they saw this girl, this Bettina, near the street where she lives. The patrol car spotted her, noticed she was in distress, but she ran away. They followed her on foot and caught up with her.

Oz: So what exactly is the point?

Dennis: Look, she ran away, right? She didn't report it. She didn't go to the police or register a complaint or whatever they call it.

Wayne: Right. so when she sees the law, does a runner.

Dennis: Absolutely.

Barry: Hmmm... but see, the prosecution might argue that the girl evaded the police because she didn't want the aggro, like. Oz, you see, most rape cases, they don't get reported, you know, because the victim don't want the stigma.

Oz: Oh, aye?

Dennis: Yeah, fair enough, Barry, fair enough. But the other alternative is, she was, er... trying to protect somebody.

Neville: The boyfriend!

Bomber: Boyfriend?

Neville: The bloke she was with in the bar.

Bomber: There were shaggy-haired louts round her.

Barry: Ah! Nev's right. There was, there was one bloke in particular, right. She was having a right ding-dong with him, right? He looked very beady when Nev went off with her.

Wayne: [Turns to Neville] Ah, that's why she tried to pull you, then. To get up the other geezer's nose.

Bomber: You mean it weren't Nev's irresistible charm? [Oz and Bomber chuckle]

Helmut: Well... listen, I get friends. We find these... who you look for.

Oz: [Gets up] That's more like it! Let's find the bastards and give 'em a good...

Helmut: No, I think...

Oz: Aye, I think so!

Dennis: You just stay put, Oz!

Bomber: [Stands up in front of Oz] Pipe down, prannet! [Oz sits back down again.]

Helmut: We know the bars, speak language. Ask questions.

Bomber: You need someone to identify them.

Barry: [Gets up] You and me go, Bomb. We'll know them.

Bomber: Right, by Jove. [He, Barry and Helmut leave the hut]

Neville: I think they had a jeep.

Moxey: I'll make some coffee. [Gets up.]

Dennis: [To Bomber, Barry and Helmut] Good luck, lads!

Wayne: I'm going for a shower. Fancy a couple of jars later, Nev?

Neville: Right. You're on, Wayne. [Wayne leaves. Neville turns to Dennis] A thing like this really lets you know who your friends are, eh?

Dennis: You're right there, it does that. Listen, er... there's something I've got to tell you.

Oz: [Gets up again] Look, I'd better get over the bar as well. I'll see you later, lads! [Oz makes a hasty exit.]

Neville: ...What?

Dennis: Brenda. She's coming over.

Neville: What?!

Dennis: She knows all about it.

Neville: How did she find out?

Dennis: You didn't ring on Monday, yer see. She panicked, she rang the site... Oz was passing, like.

Neville: [Gets up, annoyed.] Oz! I might have bloody known!

Dennis: Look, it wasn't entirely Oz's fault, Neville! Yer know, I mean, he was caught on the spot. I mean, he couldn't explain why you weren't available without her thinking you were ill or something. Anyway, I rang her straight back. But she was adamant. Anyway, she missed today's flight, but she'll be over first thing in the morning.

Neville: They should've kept me inside.

Dennis: What for, bonny lad?

Neville: 'Cos I'm gonna kill Oz!

---

[Brenda arrives in Dusseldorf. She is unpacking her bags in her hotel room when there is a knock at the door. She answers it. It's Dennis.]

Dennis: Hello, pet. [Enters the room. Brenda closes the door.]

Brenda: Oh, Dennis!

Dennis: [Hugs Brenda] I know, I know! There's no need to fret. It's all over with. He's a free man.

Brenda: What?

Dennis: Well, he's concluding formalities, but all charges are dropped. They got the other bloke.

Brenda: Honest?

Dennis: Don't look surprised! You don't think Neville did it, did ya?

Brenda: No, of course not.

Dennis: [Sits on the bed] Oh, hey, some of our German friends, they found the bloke and turned him in. I think they extracted their own confession. He didn't look to healthy!

Brenda: [Sits next to Dennis] Well, what exactly happened, then?

Dennis: Well, er... this bloke, you see, he was like the boyfriend. Well, he got the needle when he saw...

Brenda: Neville take her home.

Dennis: Well he [her boyfriend] beat her up, you see. Then the police saw her condition and she fingered Nev.

Brenda: He did take her home, didn't he?

Dennis: Look, Brenda, the point is...

Brenda: That is the point, Dennis! Of course I knew that Neville didn't do the things they said he did. But he took that girl home! He went with her!

Dennis: He didn't! Look, she imposed herself on him. She shared his cab. [Brenda stands up to put her coat in the wardrobe] Look, you know young Neville, he's so polite he'd give Hitler a ride! You're gonna make me very angry, Brenda.

Brenda: I what?

Dennis: If you can't see how much that lad cares for you, you're a very silly lass! He cares so much it hurts! It hurts him to be away from home. It hurts every minute he has to spend over here, sacrificing everything he wants, so that you can enjoy something better in the future. Look, he's the only bugger in Germany who isn't on the pull!

Brenda: You're his friend!

Dennis: And you're his wife, and you don't seem to know that lad as well as I do! Look, the reason he got into trouble is because he didn't go with the girl! If he'd been like the rest of us he'd have gone, oh aye, he'd have done the business, she'd have been content. Nobody would have been none the wiser! But he's not like the rest of us. He gave her the elbow! She got vindictive. He didn't want to know. That's what happened!

Brenda: ...I suppose so.

Dennis: ...Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... sound off at you like that. It's just... well you two, you've got a marvellous marriage. And I appreciate that more than most because mine's down the toilet.

Brenda: Oh, you're right, Dennis! Well, what happens now?

Dennis: Well let's go and fetch the lad, eh?

Private Lives

[It's Saturday morning. Oz is fast asleep and snoring. Wayne wakes up and puts on his dressing down.]

Neville: [Stirring] Mornin', Wayne.

Wayne: Same to you, sleepy 'ead. [Gets out of bed.]

Neville: What's the time?

Wayne: Nine o'clock, thereabouts, and it's come round again, hann'it? Never fails.

Neville: What?

Wayne: The weekend, me ol' fruit. Once again, we can put on our clean gear and join the human race. [Grabs his towel and heads for the door]

Neville I find weekends the most depressing.

Wayne: [As he exits the hut] Don't be daft, it's the reason we're here!

Neville: Not me. [Wayne leaves for the bathroom portacabin] Weekends are the hardest part. [Notices Oz snoring loudly, then pulls the sheet over his head.]

[Wayne enters the bathroom portacabin and puts his washbag on the side. The toilet cubicle is already in use. Wayne glances at the footwear of the user.]

Wayne: That you, is it, Moxey?

Moxey: [From inside the cubicle] Yeah, that's right.

Wayne: Mmm, thought I could recognise your elegant footwear(!)

Moxey: What's wrong with 'em? They're very c-comfy, you know.

Wayne: Yeah, but they're hardly the height of fashion, are they?

Moxey: I like them.

Wayne: [Getting out a flannel and shaving foam] I suppose if you're in there, I'd better make other arrangements, eh?

Moxey: I think you'd b-better. I think it's the sauerkraut.

Wayne: Yeah, they can play havoc with a bloke's system, they can.

Moxey: Hey, I've got a joke for ya!

Wayne: Oh, not before breakfast, Moxey, please(!)

Moxey: Oh no, it's really good, this! It's about this Irishman, y'know. [Wayne applies shaving foam to his face.] An' he's dead sick about all the Irish jokes goin' around, y'know, bein' Irish himself, like. So he decides he's goin' to take English lessons, y'know, learn how to speak English proper.

Wayne: Oh, like what you do, is that it, eh? [Washes shaving foam from his hands.]

Moxey: Oh come on! It's really good! After a few weeks, he thinks he's good enough to, y'know, go out in the world and try it out. [Wayne looks in his washbag] So he goes into this shop, and he says to the bloke behind the counter... [Wayne shakes his head and leaves the cabin] ...he says, "I'll have a copy of the Telegraph, one of the Observer, and one of the Times." And the bloke behind the counter says "You're Irish, aren't you?" And the Irishman says, "How'd you know that?" He says, "This is fish and chip shop." Do you get it? [Silence, as Moxey doesn't realise that Wayne has left] I thought it was funny... Hey, did you hear about the bloke who swallowed his glass eye?

[Wayne returns to the hut as Neville puts the kettle on.]

Wayne: [Pointing to his face, covered in shaving foam] Forgot me razor. [Looks in his locker]

Neville: Where is everybody?

Wayne: Well, Bomber's gone off fishing with a couple of the Erics, and Barry's working on the bike. [Gets his razor] Moxey's on the bog, so I wouldn't make any plans if I were you.

Neville: Aye, but where's Dennis? [Wayne leaves the hut again.]

Oz: [Now awake] I saw Dennis a bit earlier.

Neville: Earlier?

Oz: Aye, woke us up clumpin' around.

Neville: Where was he goin'?

Oz: I divvn't kna, he had a rolled-up towel under his arm but he had all his clothes on.

Neville: Yeah?

Oz: Aye, looked like he was gannen swimmin'.

Neville: Den? Swimming?

Oz: Well he wasn't goin' sunbathing, was he? Not in this craphole! Any tea on the go?

Neville: Aye, kettle's on. [Has a sudden thought.] Aye, Oz, what a great idea!

Oz: [Yawns] What?

Neville: Swimming! I never thought of it! Let's gan the baths, eh?

Oz: ...What for?

Neville: Well, it'll make a change, won't it? Bit of exercise. [Oz gets out of bed.] Summat to do at least.

Oz: I've ganna get me washin'.

Neville: Aye, okay, but after that let's gan to the baths. [Oz gets up] Well, it's summat to do, isn'it?

Oz: Well, we could do, but I haven't got a cossie.

Neville: Ey, we'll stop off into town and buy them.

Oz: [Standing by the stove trying to get warm] Howay, kettle.

[Back in the bathroom, Moxey is still telling his joke. Wayne comes back in and starts shaving.]

Moxey: ...So the doctor says, "I can't see a thing." [Flushes the toilet] And the bloke says, "That's funny, because I can see you very clearly!" [Leaves the cubicle]

Wayne: Ah yes. Very witty, son. Very droll.

Moxey: I still preferred the first one meself though.

---

Barry: Where have the lads gone?

Wayne: [Drying his hair] Swimming. Can you believe, hey?

Barry: Ahh, that's a good idea.

Wayne: Why?

Barry: Well, it's exercise, innit?

Wayne: It's madness, son. Madness!

Barry: No it's not.

Moxey: That Nev, he's into all them health things, isn't he?

Wayne: Yeah. Tried to get me jogging the other week. I says, "No way." Told him what happened to my brother-in-law.

Barry: What did happen?

Wayne: Well, he's into all that, in't he? You know, running, weights, calis-bleeding-thenics, whatever they call it. Mind you, you gotta bear in mind that bloke's a bit of a nutter, otherwise he wouldn't have married my sister, would he?

Barry: I don't know your sister, do I?

Wayne: Nah, you're well out of there, ain't ya, son? Anyhow, he goes jogging every weekend, don't he? He's got all the gear and that, you know, the Adidas tracksuit, headband. So I says to 'im, I says, "You'll do yourself an injury, you will". I was right, weren't I?

Barry: How'd you mean?

Wayne: Well, he only tries to jog across the red light at Catford Roundabout, don't he? Got hit by a juggernaut bound for the A2 to Dover. Laugh? I nearly bought me own beer!

---

[Barry gives Wayne a lift into town to learn more about chatting up women.]

Barry: In the sexual jungle, you're a predator you are, Wayne.

Wayne: I work alone, if that's what you mean. Don't go in mob-handed like the lads. All they do is booze and talk about it. By the time they've worked up the nerve to do summat, they're all too incapable.

Barry: Have you no desire to form a permanent attachment?

Wayne: Nah.

Barry: Until one day, though...

Wayne: Well, maybe.

Barry: I got engaged once. I think I still am in fact.

Wayne: What? Don't you know?

Barry: Well... I never broke it off officially, like. And she's still got the ring.

Wayne: D'you still see her?

Barry: No.

Wayne: Well, d'you write?

Barry: No.

Wayne: Does she write to you?

Barry: No.

Wayne: Do you care?

Barry: No, I don't like her very much.

Wayne: Why'd you get friggin' engaged then?

Barry: I forgot. Er, I think it was 'cos her dad had a spare season ticket for Wolverhampton Wanderers.

Wayne: Oh, well. Obviously. I mean, that could make a lad's heart sink, couldn't it(?)

[They go to a bar and sit outside.]

Barry: Am I... Am I really a radish, Wayne?

Wayne: Oh, don't have an identity crisis. Not on me day off, time's slipping by.

Barry: Well if I'm in your way, I should just, you know...

Wayne: No, I said I'd fix us up, didn't I? Now just bide your time. No need to panic. All you gotta realise is there's thousands of 'em out there. I mean, birds are like the Chinese army - once you've jumped a few, you think that's it for a while, and there's a whole new battalion comes over the hill.

Barry: I only want one.

Wayne: Yeah, well that's where you and me differ, son. I want the lot!

Barry: I've never been that ambitious meself.

Wayne: Barry... [Noticing two ladies sitting at a table behind Barry, smiling at them] I think our prayers have just been answered.

Barry: How'd you mean?

Wayne: Look behind ya. [Barry starts to turn] Don't look now! Show some cool.

Barry: Oh... [Turns awkwardly towards the ladies to get a glimpse, then back to Wayne] Oh aye, they're very, er, very tasty. What do we do now?

Wayne: Not us, son. You.

Barry: Me?!

Wayne: Yeah, you're the one that's gotta prove himself sooner or later. You have to show what you're made of. Now we've already had a flash.

Barry: Have we?

Wayne: Yeah, when they came in. [Winks] A bit of the old eye contact. Halfway there, aren't we? Now remember, don't go promising them the world, right? Or go through all that boring preamble. Just get straight to the point. Bit of dazzling repartee.

Barry: Straight to the point, like?

Wayne: Right. [Nods in the direction of the ladies.]

Barry: [Turns to the ladies] Hello. Er... would you like to come back to our hut? [Wayne facepalms]

---

[At the pool, Dagmar dives in and swims up to Dennis.]

Dennis: Hey, you're some swimmer, aren't ya?

Dagmar: At school I was even better. I won many prizes.

Dennis: Did you win a prize for English too?

Dagmar: Oh yes, of course.

Dennis: Just as well, isn'it? Otherwise we wouldn't have much to say to each other.

Dagmar: Ja? I'll just need to teach you German.

Dennis: Oh ey, I might have to be 'round a long time for that!

Dagmar: So?

Dennis: Suits me.

Dagmar: Me also.

[They move in for a kiss, but they are interruped by a loud shout as Oz takes a running jump into the pool. Dagmar ducks underwater to hide.]

Dennis: I don't believe it!

Neville: [Running down the side of the pool to Dennis] How, Den!

Dennis: What made you come here?

Neville: Oz seen you leaving with your towel, so we worked it out.

Dennis: Oh, terrific(!)

Oz: [Resurfaces, spitting out some water] How, Dennis! [Swims up to Dennis, swallowing more pool water as he goes. He notices Dagmar at the other side of the pool] Hey, isn't that the tart from the office?

Neville: Oh aye, it's Dagmar.

Dennis: [Covering his tracks] Aye, apparently she, er... comes here a lot, like, yer kna. I just, er... bumped into her. Just a coincidence, like.

Oz: [To Neville] Howay, then, get yerself in, Nev, man. It's lovely! [Neville dives in]

Neville: Aye, it's a great idea, this, Den!

Dennis: Isn't it(?) Aye.

Oz: Well I can't understand why you never told wor you were coming. [To Neville] Give you a race.

Neville: Right! [Neville and Oz swim off. Dennis signals to Dagmar that he'll ring her. Dagmar reciprocates and swims off.]

---

[Barry and Wayne pull up at some traffic lights next to a taxi. Wayne notices two females in flight attendant uniform on the back seat]

Wayne: Hey, there is a god, Barry! Cop them!

Barry: [Turns to look at the flight attendants] My goodness, air hostesses!

Wayne: Stewardesses they call themselves nowadays, ya nerk. [Knocks on the window. One of the flight attendants winds the window down.] D'you speak English?

Attendant: Yes.

Wayne: Thought you would in your job. Where are you from?

Attendant: Sweden.

Barry: [To himself] Sweden?

Wayne: I thought you were Swedish. Something about your flawless complextion told me that.

Attendant: Yes, but what do you want?

Wayne: Me? Oh, nothing. It's just that me and me chauffeur here are sort of strangers in a foreign land. Much like yourselves. Only we were feeling very depressed, and caught a glimpse of you two and it, well... just sorta lifted our hearts.

Attendant: [Not understanding] Just what?

Wayne: Made us feel... glad all over.

Barry: [To Wayne] What's happenin'?

Wayne: [To Barry] It's hard to tell, son. We're dealin' here with the Swedish mentality, which is pretty inscrutable at the best of times. [The two attendants chat to each other in Swedish]

Attendant: We are very flattered that you feel this way. [The traffic lights turn green and the taxi pulls away.]

Wayne: We're away, son. Follow that car! [Barry revs up the bike... which promptly stalls.] Come on!

Barry: All right, all right! [The taxi drives away]

Wayne: The lights have changed!

Barry: I know. Bloody hell!

Wayne: You friggin' radish, Barry!

Barry: Stop calling me that, please! [Barry finally restarts the bike and sets off.]

Wayne: You've lost 'em!

Barry: They took a left.

Wayne: If you lose 'em, I'll hang for you, Barry. I swear it, I'll hang for you!

Barry: I'll take a short cut.

Wayne: How?

Barry: I'll cut across there, look.

Wayne: Well, be careful, then. [They ride through a small park, down a slope...] Jesus Christ! [...and crash into a pond! Fortunately for them, they splash-landed outside the Hotel Inter-Continental, where they see the Swedish flight attendants get out of their taxi.] See? Overnight stop, innit?

Barry: Well, shall we go in then, or what?

Wayne: [Covered in mud, as is Barry] Go in? You seen the state of us? We look like a pair of motocross riders!

Barry: Ohhh. Suppose we'd better go back and get cleaned up then, eh?

Wayne: Right. We shall return.

---

[Oz is at the bar playing pinball. Neville joins him.]

Neville: Oy, Oz.

Oz: Sssh. Quiet, son. Big score coming up 'ere.

Neville: Wayne and Barry have...

Oz: Sssh. Whoa, man. [Points to the high score] I'm nearly on five and a half million, man!

Neville: ...They've just pulled two Swedish air hostesses.

Oz: [Shocked, he stops playing] Air hostesses?! [The ball goes out of play, and it's game over for Oz.]

Neville: Swedish ones.

Oz: [Kicks one of the legs of the pinball table] 'Ere, might as well get a beer. D'ya want one?

Neville: Aye. I mean, I can understand Wayne, but Barry? [They go to the bar]

Oz: Two bottles of pils here, Adolph. Jammy Arabs. How did they manage that?

Neville: Well, they haven't exactly nailed 'em yet, but they know they're stopping at the Inter-Continental so they're goin' round there on the off-chance.

Oz: Ahh, well that's hardly guaranteed, is it?

Neville: Suppose not. Aye, they'll probably hang round in the bar there all night for nowt, then come back and spin some extravagant tale for our benefit.

Oz: Aye, aye. That's them. [They have a drink.] Hang on a minute... So you reckon they'll just be sittin' in the bar on the off-chance, hangin' around waitin'?

Neville: Apparently.

Oz: Right, let's get them. [Goes to the payphone]

Neville: Eh?

Oz: Set them up.

Neville: How?

Oz: Well... A stroke I pulled at a hotel in Sheffield one time. It was the night before Newcastle played Burnley in the semis. Hey, what a game that was, kidda. Supermac scored twice, and on the way back we smashed this Little Chef up on the A1 at Wetherby...

Neville: [Interrupting Oz's train of thought] Aye, never mind that, man. What was the stunt?

Oz: Oh, aye. Right, follow me. [Heads for the payphone again, burping as he does.]

[In the hotel bar, Wayne and Barry, now dressed smartly, are indeed waiting for the flight attendants to appear.]

Barry: What are we gonna do, then? Just, er... just sit here all night on the off-chance, or what?

Wayne: Just bide your time. I'll think of something.

Waiter: [Brings them a couple of beers] You are residents, sir?

Wayne: Yeah, er... but I'll pay cash. [Hands the waiter some money] And keepen ze changen. [The waiter leaves a receipt and leaves.]

Barry: What did you say that for? We're not staying 'ere.

Wayne: Yeah, but we could be if things work out.

Barry: No, we don't look like residents, especially with your haircut and earring.

Wayne: Well, they'll think we're roadies.

Barry: Ah, aye? Fat chance.

Wayne: Leave it out, will ya? Have a drink.

[Back at the bar, Oz rings the hotel while Neville looks on...]

Oz: Hello? Yep. Inter-Continental? Yes, hello, yes. Can you get a message, please, to Mr. Wayne Norris? Yeah, Herr Norris. Yes, he'll be in the bar. ...Yes, and the message is, that, er... he's expected immediately... yeah, immediately, in Room 612. Yes, that's it. Danke schön! [Puts the phone down. They laugh] That'll wind 'em up!

---

[After bumping into Dennis at the hotel, Wayne and Barry finally reach Room 612. Wayne knocks on the door.]

Barry: You've knocked long enough. There's no-one there.

Wayne: [Looks through the peephole in the door] Well, they must be in the shower or something, you know.

Barry: Together?

Wayne: Swedish, in't they? Very liberated your Swedes, son.

Barry: Oh... My cousin Norma's very liberated, you know. [Wayne continues knocking.] Yeah, she's... she's always walking around the house stark-naked. I said to her, "This is a council house just outside Wolverhampton, you know". I said, "You could lose this house flaunting yourself the way you do." Eric... see, that's her husband, he don't know because he works nights...

Wayne: Sssh! I can hear something.

Barry: They're there, are they? [A waitress passes by with a trolley and notices Wayne and Barry listening at the door.]

[In the room, a couple, and definitely not the Swedish flight attendants, are getting it on.]

German woman: Was ist los? (What's happening?) [Turns the radio off.]

German man: Es had geklopft. (There was a knock.)

German woman: Nee, nee. (No...) [The knocking continues.] Hast du 'was bestellt? (Did you order something?)

German man: Nein, ich nicht, aber geh' mal gucken. (No, not me, but go have a look.) [She gets out of bed and opens the door.] Ja?

Wayne: About time too! What you been doing, darling? Putting your face on, eh?

German woman: Was? Wer sind Sie? Was wollen sie? (What? Who are you? What do you want?)

Wayne: Speak English, darlin'! It's us! [Wayne and Barry enter the room]

German woman: Ich verstehe gar nichts. (I don't understand anything you're saying)

Barry: Wayne, Wayne... are you sure that's one of them, mate?

Wayne: Yeah, of course it is. They just look a bit different out of uniform, don't they?

German man: Was wollen Sie in unserem Zimmer? (What are you doing in our room? What do you want?)

Wayne: Oh, hello. We've got company, have we? [To the woman] What's the matter, darlin'? Ain't we enough for you girls, eh?

German man: Sind sie Freunde von dir? (Are these friends of yours?)

German woman: Nein, ich kenne sie nicht. (No, I don't know them.)

Barry: Wayne... are you sure this is Room 612, mate?

German woman: Tu' etwas! (Do something!) [The man gets his wallet and starts pulling money out]

Wayne: Hey, hey, listen mate. You don't have to pay us for it, you know.

Barry: Wayne, Wayne...

Wayne: Hey, what's going on here, eh? I mea, we come up here for an innocent liaison, and I find meself in some depraved situation with some geezer flashin' the old readies!

Barry: Wayne...

Wayne: What is he? A blimmer or something, eh? And where's your mate?

Barry: Wayne, Wayne... they think that we're muggers.

Wayne: ...They what?

Barry: They... We're in the wrong room. They think that we're... muggers. [Waves]

Wayne: Bloody hell. [They scarper.]

---

[Wayne and Barry escape through a window.]

Barry: You've obviously had more experience of this kind of thing than I have. Wayne, I tell you one thing, I'm not going on the pull again with you, mate!

Wayne: Yeah, well the feeling's bloody mutual, son! You're a jinx you are, Barry. You're a jinx. [They look down to the ground below] Ready?

Barry: [Panicking] What do you mean "ready"? I'll break my bleedin' leg!

Wayne: Look, don't be daft, mate. We're fit enough.

Barry: No, we're not! We might have been if we'd gone jogging or swimming with Nev! As you so despise physical exercise...

Wayne: Leave it out, Barry, will you? It's not much of a jump!

Barry: No, not for the SAS, and I don't mean the friggin' airline!

Wayne: Come on. It's like Butch and Sundance.

Barry: Aye, and we know what happened to them. [They take a bit of a run up, then jump.]

---

[The following morning, Dennis returns to the hut, his weekend with Dagmar ruined.]

Neville: Good morning, Dennis. And where have you been, eh? [Dennis walks past, staring angrily at Wayne and Barry] Or maybe we shouldn't ask.

Dennis: Aye. Maybe you shouldn't. Not that it'd make any difference, like. I mean, news spreads faster than the plague around here.

Neville: What's the problem, like?

Dennis: [Points to Wayne and Barry] Well, ask Abbott and Costello here.

Wayne: Come on, Den. We was all after the same thing last night, weren't we? I'd say you were a bit more successful than what we was, eh?

Barry: Yeah. Look at my ankle. It's all puffed up.

Dennis: [Whacks Barry's ankle. Barry winces in pain.] I know all about you two, man! I spent an hour in the manager's office explaining who me guests were.

Barry: Oh dear. D'you mean there... d'you mean there were repercussions?

Dennis: Aye, you could say that, Barry. I mean, it was you two who terrorised some innocent couple, wasn'it?

Wayne: You didn't finger us, did you?

Dennis: No, no. Said you were two blokes I'd met in the bar. [Points his finger in Wayne's face] But in future, you just stay out my life, right? [Grabs his washbag and towel, and leaves for the bathroom cabin.]

Neville: Is there something you two haven't told me?

[In the bathroom cabin, Moxey is once again in the toilet cubicle.]

Oz: Howay, Moxey, man! [Kicks the cubicle door] Hurry yersel' up! The amount of time you spend in there I'm surprised you don't move in!

Moxey: Hey, I'm not doin' this for pleasure y'know, Oz. It's the bloody sauerkraut! [Dennis enters the cabin]

Oz: How, Den.

Dennis: Is somebody in there? [Kicks the cubicle door]

Oz: Aye. Moxey. Put yer name doon for about Tuesday.

Dennis: I've gotta get out of here, man.

Oz: [At the urinal] What's the matter, like?

Dennis: Well those two pricks, man, Barry and Wayne, totally destroyed my weekend!

Oz: Aye, well, I didn't do their weekend much good, me, like.

Dennis: How's that?

Oz: Well, I'll tell yer all aboot it. This'll cheer ya up...

[A short time later...]

Dennis: [Furiously] DID WHAT?! [Chases Oz out of the cabin]

Oz: [Running away] Dennis, what's got into you, man? [Runs away while Dennis gives chase. The toilet flushes and Moxey steps out of the cabin.]

Moxey: [Calling out] It's f-free now!

The Fugitive

Barry: I'm growing a beard.

Dennis: Aye, very good, Barry. I'll inform the press.

---

[Dennis, Neville, Bomber and Moxey set off for their fishing trip. Dennis is driving with Neville in the front passenger seat. Bomber and Moxey are both asleep on the back seats. On one of the rural roads, they spot a hitch-hiker]

Neville: Oh, hitch-hiker.

Dennis: It'll be a bit of a squeeze.

Neville: Ah, but there's not much traffic on this type of road, man. Howay, let's give him a ride, eh? [Dennis stops the car. Neville winds his window down.] Howay!

Bomber: [Waking up] Why have we stopped?

Dennis: Good Samaritans, aren't we? Hitch-hiker. [He runs across the bridge to the car.]

Bomber: Hey, it's a bloke! There's no room for a bloke! A Swedish girl, maybe we could fit her in, but... but not a bloke!

[The hitch-hiker approaches Neville's window.]

Colin: [Looks inside the car] ...Bitte?

Neville: ...Where you go? [Points to the road ahead] You go east?

Colin: Are you English?

Neville: Yeah. Are you?

Colin: Yeah.

Dennis: Oh, hop in, bonny lad.

Colin: Cheers. [Gets in the back next to Moxey. They drive off.]

Dennis: You, er, on holiday, are you?

Colin: [Hesitantly] ...Yeah.

Bomber: Took you a while to get a lift, did it?

Colin: ...Yeah.

Bomber: Where are you headed?

Colin: ...This way. [Nods forward and chuckles]

Dennis: It's a bit of a back road this, isn'it, if yer hitchin'?

Colin: ...Well you... you can't hitch-hike on the Autobahns, can ya?

Dennis: Ah, na. No. Suppose not. But hey, we're just headed to the back end of nowhere here, mind.

Colin: Anywhere's fine by me.

Bomber: You've no place in mind, then?

Colin: ...No, I was... I was headed south, er... I know this girl in Munich.

Dennis: It's not the way to Munich, this.

Colin: Well, I'm in no hurry, er... Thought I'd see a bit of the countryside first.

Dennis: Aye?

Colin: I'm a student. I'm, er... I'm just seeing a bit of the countryside.

Neville: Travel's an education in itself, isn'it?

Colin: So they say, yes. So they say.

Bomber: I'm Bomber, this is Moxey. [Points to the front seats] Dennis and Neville.

Neville: I'm Neville. [Points to Dennis] He's Dennis.

Colin: ...I'm Colin. Listen... what do you lads do then?

Bomber: Best not to ask. Wanted by INTERPOL in eight countries, we are! [The lads laugh.]

---

[Barry joins the lads at their hotel. He joins Neville and Dennis at the bar. Meanwhile, Moxey and Bomber are sat at a nearby table.]

Bomber: There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!

[At the bar...]

Neville: I'm glad we came, aren't you?

Barry: I'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.

Neville: It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.

Barry: Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.

Neville: Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.

Barry: Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.

Neville: You're right.

Barry: Elaine Surtees was just the same.

Neville: Who?

Barry: That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?

Neville: Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.

Barry: Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.

Neville: Aye, I'll bet.

[Back to the table...]

Moxey: There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.

[Unbenknownst to the lads, a mysterious figure goes past the window. Also unbeknownst to the others, it's Colin, their hitch-hiker. Several beers later, the lads start singing "Ten Green Bottles". They are approached by the landlord.]

Landlord: Good evening. I think you need more pils?

Neville: Oh, aye! Bring 'em over!

Dennis: My shout. What do you want?

Neville: I'll have a pils. [Bomber points to his glass]

Moxey: Pils, please. [The landlord asks for a word with Dennis]

Landlord: You need more, erm... I must get another... [He can't think of the word.]

Dennis: Crates? Crates, mate.

Landlord: Crates! Yes, crate.

Dennis: Are we getting through 'em that fast, are we?

Landlord: That's good drinking, yes?

Dennis: Cheers.

Landlord: I'll bring it. [Heads to the back. Dennis joins the others, continuing the song]

Dennis: [To Neville] Are you glad you came, son?

Neville: Aye, certainly. Brilliant, man.

Barry: Hey, Den, Den, Den! I was just saying... just saying to Neville it broadens the horizons, don't it?

Moxey: It's a funny thing, though.

Dennis: What is?

Moxey: I kind of miss old Oz.

[The landlord goes into the back to get more beer. He spots the figure trying to steal Barry's bike]

Landlord: Hör mal! Das ist nicht ein Motorrad. (Hold up! That's not your motorbike!) [The figure runs off.] Halt! Komm mal her! (Stop! Come back here!)

[He rushes back into the bar to the lads.]

Landlord: Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I think someone try to steal the motorbike.

Barry: [Stands up, as does Dennis] What?!

Landlord: It is there.

Dennis: Did you see who it was?

Landlord: No, he... he disappeared.

Neville: Ah, you never left the key in, did you, Barry?

Barry: Yeah... [The lads shout at Barry]

Bomber: That's asking for it, wasn't it?

Barry: I didn't think there'd be any trouble like that 'round here, did I?

---

[Back on the site, some vandals break in.]

Vandal: [Checking the coast is clear] Okay. Jemand da, fangen wir an? (Okay, the coast is clear. Shall we begin?) [The vandals enter the site with red paint and brushes.] Wir müssen uns beeilen. (We need to hurry.) [They get to work painting on one of the walls being built.]

[Meanwhile, Oz is at the bar on his own. He's all dressed up. He finishes his beer.]

Barman: More

Oz: No, no. That's it for me. I'm going. [Pays up.]

Barman: Where are your, er... friends?

Oz: Friends?! Ha! I've got no friends, me, man.

Barman: [Gives Oz his change] You are very er... [Notices Oz's clothing] ...tonight?

Oz: Oh, aye. This? It's me best suit. Ha. All dressed up and nowhere to go, eh? Well, that's it. I'll see yer. [Turns to leave.]

Barman: Gute nacht.

Oz: Donkey shite. [Exits the bar]

[Back at the site, the vandals have almost finished.]

Vandal: Was ist denn das? Das sieht aus wie ein Picasso. (What's that? It looks like a Picasso.)

Oz: [Returns to the site. He sees the shadows of the vandals and goes to investigate. He runs along the crane sleepers and spots them.] Hey! What do yer think you're doin'?

Vandal: Los! Weg! (Come on! Let's go!) [They run, ducking under the billboard and leave through a gap in the fence. One drops his tin of paint.]

Oz: [In pursuit] I'll knock yer bloody 'eads off! Come 'ere! [He trips over the paint tin and falls, his best suite ending up covered in red paint] Oh, bollocks!

---

[The following day, the lads go fishing. Moxey and Bomber carry the beer between them as well as their rods, while everyone else carries the rest of the gear. They cross a bridge over a weir.]

Dennis: That's real fresh air that, Neville.

Neville: Isn't it, eh?

Dennis: I need that after last night's beer.

Barry: I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.

Dennis: Tab?

Barry: Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.

Dennis: [Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?

Barry: Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?

Dennis: [Walks on] Aye.

Barry: Cor...

[The lads walk further up the river. Colin emerges from the bushes. It's clear he's been sleeping rough overnight.]

Colin: Mornin'.

Neville: Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]

Bomber: Are you still here, lad?

Colin: I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.

Dennis: Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.

Colin: ...No, well I've been camping, y'see.

Bomber: Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?

Moxey: You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?

Colin: Just last night, that's all.

Dennis: When did you last eat?

Colin: I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]

Moxey: He's freezin', Den.

Dennis: [To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.

Colin: Yeah, I know where.

Dennis: Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.

Colin: Are you sure?

Dennis: Go on, before you catch pneumonia.

Colin: [Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]

Dennis: C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!

---

[Later on, the lads have some beers by the river.]

Bomber: I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.

Moxey: That's three things.

Neville: He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.

Dennis: Aye, he did, didn't he?

Barry: Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?

Dennis: Come again, Barry?

Barry: Hey... you trust people, you do.

Neville: Well, you've got to, haven't you?

Dennis: Why shouldn't I?

Barry: Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...

Dennis: Thinkin' of what?

Barry: I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.

Dennis: Why?

Barry: Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?

Dennis: Well, nor have you.

Barry: That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.

Dennis: Maybe he is!

Barry: Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.

Dennis: Naffin' hell, Barry, man.

Bomber: No, hear him out. Let him make his point.

Moxey: Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?

Barry: My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.

Dennis: Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]

---

[Back at the hotel, the lads hear Colin out.]

Colin: It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.

Neville: That's tough.

Colin: It happens though, don't it?

Barry: And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?

Colin: It's finished.

Dennis: Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.

Colin: [Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]

Bomber: Where are you headed, then?

Colin: ...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.

Neville: Hey, he can come back with us.

Bomber: Why not?

Barry: Right!

Neville: You'll have to shovel.

Colin: No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.

Neville: Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.

Colin: ...Could I?

Moxey: Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?

Dennis: Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.

---

[At the site, Colin brings a wheelbarrow to Neville with some concrete mix.]

Colin: All right, Nev?

Neville: Yeah. Are you ready for more?

Colin: Yeah.

Neville: Yeah, it's all totally different over here. See, in Germany, us brickies have to do our own labouring.

Colin: Do you?

Neville: Oh, aye. There's just one over boss, Grunwald, and his sidekick, Ulrich. They're the only two you've got to watch out for, right?

Colin: How do you get on with the Germans?

Neville: Oh, okay. They're just canny lads, mostly, like the rest of us. [Adds some water to the concrete mix] Only smarter!

Colin: How do you mean, "smarter"?

Neville: Well... yer kna, better turned out. See, the Brits are really scruffy, we wear jeans and sneakers, that kind of thing. Oh, and they never wear their hard hats. Nah, the Erics, they're, er... they're more military. Here, grab a hold of them, will yer?

Colin: Here, Nev, what do you call the Germans "Erics" for?

Neville: Well, if we want to talk about one of them in front of them, like, we call 'em Eric, and that way the Germans think we're talkin' about some bloke called Eric. Good, innit?

Colin: Yeah.

Neville: Yeah, and then there's a lot of Turks over here an' all, and a couple of Dutch. The Turks mainly like in the hut next to us. [Notices Herr Ulrich on site with two policemen investigating the vandals. Thinking they're coming for him, he runs away] Some Greeks, but not many of them, like. [Turns round notices Colin running away] Colin? What's the matter? [Herr Ulrich and the policemen walk past Neville to examine the graffiti.]

---

[Neville finds Dennis in the hut.]

Neville: Hey, Den! This really strange thing just happened!

Dennis: [Eating a banana] What, Oz has shook hands with a German?

Neville: No, man. Seriously.

Dennis: What?

Neville: You know I've been workin' with that Colin lad? Well, these two policemen just turned up with Ulrich. I dunno, probably about the vandalism. Anyway, when Colin seen them, he turned white as a sheet, did a runner.

Dennis: What?

Neville: Aye, he's gone. Psht, vanished. I've searched the whole site, there's no sign of him.

Dennis: Well, have the police gone after him?

Neville: No, man. Look, see, the coppers were here aboot the break-ins, right, but the point is he obviously thought they were after him. Colin did.

Dennis: Oh, I see. Aye, he didn't seem too sure of his story, did he?

Neville: Right, aye. I dunno, he seemed such a canny lad, but... I cannae imagine him in trouble with the law.

Dennis: No, you cannae tell these days, man. I tell you what, we'll just get back to work, right? If he shows up, we'll have it out with him, right?

---

[In the hut, Wayne goes through Colin's bag, and finds an ID badge. Dennis, Neville and Bomber enter.]

Wayne: Hey, he's not running from the law.

Dennis: What's that you've found?

Wayne: He's in the Army. Look. [Reads from the ID badge] Latham, Colin. Lance Corporal, right? Born: June 14th 1960, Height: 5'8". Eyes: brown. Other distinguishing marks: scar on left shoulder. He's a friggin' deserter, ain't he? [He gives the card to Dennis]

---

[The lads finally find Colin, and get him to tell the truth.]

Bomber: [Wrapping a bandage around Colin's ankle] You keep this compress 'round it. Keep it tight. See?

Colin: Yeah.

Neville: Does it hurt?

Oz: [Having tripped on the crane sleepers and cutting his leg with his trowel] Mine hurts like hell but naebody gives a toss aboot me! [Wayne shakes his head]

Dennis: [To Colin] You got yersel' in a right mess, haven't you? Eh? I don't mean your clothes. Look, man, you should've told us the truth, yer kna, then we might have been able to help you out.

Wayne: How long have you been in the Army then, eh?

Moxey: How'd you know that?

Wayne: Found his ID, whatever they call it.

Dennis: So you're on the lam from the Army? Is it that bad?

Colin: Since I've been in Germany, it is, yeah. It's the other lads in my billet. We don't get on, or... they don't get on with me. Always gettin' at me, takin' the mick. I couldn't take no more, I got a bit choked, I had to get away.

Neville: Well, it doesn't seem a very good reason for deserting. You've got to learn to get on with people, haven't you? I mean, look at us lot in here. We're just like the army, aren't wa? All crammed into this little hut.

Wayne: Hey, we drive each other loony, mate. But at least we all stick together, don't we, eh?

Colin: It's not just that... [Starts breathing heavily]

Dennis: Look. Here. [Puts a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches in front of Colin] Get it off yer chest, man.

Colin: [Takes a cigarette.] I was in Ireland for a time. Londonderry. [Lights the cigarette.] Then Belfast.

Moxey: Can't have been no picnic, that.

Colin: I was scared witless.

Neville: So would I have been. Well, anyone. [Bomber nods]

Colin: Anyone wouldn't have cracked up though, would they? I did. How many of those bastards saw their two best friends blown in half, eh? None. Not one of them. But I did. And I just want to forget about it. They put me in hospital for a time. I mean, the Army were very good about that. Then they posted me out here. The other lads found out... I just want to forget about it. They won't let me forget about it.

Dennis: Yeah, see, but... if you keep running away like that, you're just running away from yerself, you know. And if you bottle it out and stick in, I mean, those lads'll end up respecting you for it in the end.

Oz: Nah, he's we'll out of it, if you ask me. He's done his bit, hasn'he? He owes them nowt.

Dennis: So what's he supposed to do, eh? Spend the rest of his life on the run?

Wayne: Well, that's the way Oz spends his life, ain't it? I mean, he don't know no different.

Neville: I think he's gotta go back.

Moxey: There's no question about it.

Dennis: Definitely. When did you leave?

Colin: Thursday night. Had a seventy-two-hour leave pass.

Dennis: Well, you're only a day late, aren't ya?

Moxey: Yeah, you're not a deserter, are you? You're a what-d'you-call-it?

Bomber: Absent without leave.

Moxey: That's it.

Neville: Aye.

Moxey: I mean, it's not going to be the firing squad. Just a couple of weeks, y'know, cleaning out the shithouses.

Bomber: We can have you back there by tomorrow afternoon.

Colin: ...Could you?

Dennis: So you'll go, then, eh?

Neville: Great!

Wayne: Listen, Barry can give you a lift on his bike, can't you, Bar-oh, where is Barry?

Neville: I mean, for better or worse, you've gotta get on with your mates, havvn't yer?

Oz: Hey, I'm bleedin' to death here, nobody gives a toss!

Everyone: Oh, shut up, Oz!

The Alien

[It's Sunday. Wayne and Moxey are in the hut.]

Moxey: What's in the paper, then?

Wayne: [Reading a paper.] Nothing that's gonna change the course of history, son. It's the music press, innit?

Moxey: Oh. [Walks over to Wayne] You're really into that, aren't you? [Sits next to Wayne]

Wayne: Music's my life, Moxey.

Moxey: You should've been a rock star, you. Dead ringer for Ronnie Wood. Anybody ever told you that?

Wayne: Yeah, couple of times, in fact. As it 'appens, I signed Woody's autograph for a couple of Fräuleins down the old town on Tuesday.

Moxey: Go away, you didn't, did yer?

Wayne: Yeah, yeah. There's no harm done though. They was thrilled at having met one of their idols, and I was gratified at having put a bit of colour into their otherwise drab existence.

Moxey: That don't seem right to me somehow.

Wayne: Look, I didn't abuse Woody's name by jumping 'em, did I? I could've.

Moxey: Could you?

Wayne: Ehh, they were all over me like a cheap coat, they were. But I've got a code of ethics, Moxey. I know where to draw the line.

Moxey: Very c-c-commendable, that, in this day and age.

Wayne: Yeah, ain't it? Mind you, bein' ethical don't 'alf put a crimp in your nuts!

[Herr Grunwald enters the hut. He's not happy.]

Wayne: Hello, Herr Grunwald. Its not Monday already is it?

Grunwald: No, it is not. It is Sunday. And on Sunday I expect to be with my family. At home.

Wayne: Turfed you out, have they? Never mind, son. Pull up a bed. We accept all sorts in here.

Grunwald: Please, I am not in the mood for your insolence. Where's Patterson?

Wayne: Dennis? Down the baths, I think. What d'you want 'im for?

Grunwald: He is your leader.

Wayne: S'pose so. It's not a role he relishes, though.

Moxey: Why? That's the problem?

Grunwald: Englanders are the problem. [Walks sternly towards Wayne and Moxey] They always are!

---

[Wayne finds the others in the bar.]

Wayne: 'Ere, Den. Grunwald's looking for you. [To the barman] Bier, bitte.

Dennis: Grunwald? What's he want?

Wayne: Well, you know that nutter Magowan?

Barry: Aye, he's a bit of a bloody headcase, he is, in't he?

Wayne: Ahh, well apparently, he had a bit of tiff in a bar last night.

Barry: Huh, a bit of a tiff?

Wayne: I suppose "fracas" is a better word, really. Anyway, he put some Eric in hospital, and he's in the nick.

Neville: Doesn't surprise me. He's a nutter!

Dennis: Well, what's that got to do wi' me?

Wayne: Well he must have given his employer's name, who rang Grunwald, who came down 'ere to tell us that it's our responsibility to bail him out.

Neville: Ah?

Dennis: Well, why us?

Wayne: 'Cos he's a Brit. Says the behaviour of the Brits is none of his business.

Dennis: Well, it's none of my business either, is it, eh? He lives in the hostel, doesn't he, eh? He's not in our hut. Let 'im stop in the nick!

Wayne: He's still a Brit though, ain't he, Den? And Grunwald sees you as top man, don't he?

Dennis: Ahh, bloody hell, man! I'm not accountable for every mad man in Germany just 'cos they're British!

Oz: Ah, he is a bit of a hooligan, him, like.

Barry: Best place for him, innit? Bloke like that in the nick?

Wayne: Trouble is... Grunwald reckons if we can't take care of our own, we can all ship out.

Dennis: What? He said that?

Neville: That's not fair! It's nowt to do with us!

Wayne: I'm just tellin' you what he said.

Neville: But... you mean it's him or us?

Wayne: Yep. Either we look after it, or we can get the next boat home.

Dennis: [Sighs] Bloody hell!

---

[At the bar, Magowan is drinking heavily (which is normal for him). Oz enters.]

Oz: Howay, Mac! Heard you had a bit of bother the other night.

Magowan: I wasn't lookin' for any trouble.

Oz: Nah, nah, that's usually case, isn'it? Er... d'yer wanna drink?

Magowan: Yeah, I'll have a schnapps there.

Oz: Schnapps, eh? [To barman] Two. Two schnapps here. [Magowan picks up a schnapps already on the bar and drinks it] So, er... when are you up in front of the beak, then?

Magowan: Ah, some time next week.

Oz: Well, probably be a fine, yer kna, or you'll get bound o'er or something.

Magowan: You never know where you are with these Erics, you know. They're gonna stuff it to me, you know that, bein' a Brit, like, you know. They've thrown me out the hostel.

Oz: Have they?

Magowan: They're just waitin' for their chance. They're very, very vindictive, [Looks aggresively at another drinker down the bar.] your average Eric.

Oz: Well, no. Let's... let's be fair. I mean, you can't really blame the Germans, can yer? I mean, live and let live. That's what I always say! I mean, yer average German's all reet. I mean, compared to a Turk, aye. [The barman looks on disapprovingly]

Magowan: It was the Germans started that fight the other night. They provoked me.

Oz: Well... that's probably disputable, isn'it?

Magowan: Hey, whose side are you on, then?

Oz: [Has a sip of his schnapps and coughs] Nobody's. No... I'm just sayin', I mean, it's not the first time it's happened, is it? Your record out here is not exactly untarnished.

Magowan: Ehh, maybe. [Downs his schnapps in one. To the barman] Two more of them 'ere, you.

Barman: Ja, ja.

Oz: Cheers.

Magowan: I mean... I'm no worse than most, you know. I mean... back on my own turf, like, you know, er... I'm a very popular bloke. [Oz, having drunk his schnapps, coughs] Leastways, no-one's ever said that they didn't like me, you know. Now and then I get a bit cantankerous, you know. Now and then.

Oz: Yeah, but I mean how often's "now and then"?

Magowan: Fridays.

Oz: Oh, pay nights, like?

Magowan: Right. [Downs another schnapps]

Oz: It must be the drink, yer kna, Mac, with you. I mean, it's a demon with some blokes, yer kna.

Magowan: You know this fight the other night? I just had about ten pils, you know, a few schnapps... [Downs yet another schnapps, while Oz sips his] so it can't have been the drink!

---

[Oz has invited Magowan to stay in the hut. Magowan leaves to go to the bathroom cabin, Dennis calls Oz in for a word.]

Oz: What d'you want now?

Dennis: What do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?

Oz: Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.

Dennis: Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.

Oz: Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.

Wayne: Him, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.

Neville: He's gonna make all our lives a misery.

Oz: Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?

Barry: Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!

Oz: He's only one person, man!

Dennis: Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!

Wayne: Yeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.

Barry: No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.

Wayne: Oh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?

Barry: No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.

Moxey: Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.

Barry: Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...

Dennis: "Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!

Wayne: Ah, we'll all back you up, though.

Barry: No, Dennis has got a point.

Oz: Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.

Dennis: Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)

Oz: Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.

Wayne: Well no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.

Neville: Has he?

Wayne: Yeah, some of the lads told me.

Barry: What for?

Wayne: Well, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.

Moxey: G-grievous bodily harm, more like.

Dennis: [To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.

Oz: All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!

Wayne: It will be if you don't don't ask him right.

---

[Dennis goes to Herr Grunwald in the site office to protest]

Dennis: Look, I just don't think it's fair that I'm held responsible for every British workman on this site.

Grunwald: Well, I am not to be responsible for how you behave. Look, you people come over here, we give you work. But you are not registered, you are self-employed. So, if you cause trouble, then you must go, unless you correct it among yourselves.

Dennis: Look, my lot don't cause any trouble.

Grunwald: They are not saints.

Dennis: Well, they're still a canny set o' lads. Just that Magowan.

Grunwald: He is not German worker. He is Englander.

Dennis: You could sack him.

Grunwald: Does he know you suggest this? I think it is better that he does not, ja?

Dennis: Look, he's ended up in our hut now, man.

Grunwald: Good. Then you can a close watch on him.

Dennis: [Mutters] Oh aye. Smashing(!) [Exits the office]

---

Wayne: [Wringing out his waterlogged socks] Runnin' out of socks, I am. Working in all that water, I'm gonna get foot rot.

Moxey: At least you're indoors. It's f-freezing out there today.

[Magowan enters the hut. He stares at Wayne as he walks past him]

Magowan: The tea's on, is it?

Moxey: You can make some.

Magowan: Hey...

Moxey: ...if you want.

Magowan: Nah, I'm not bothered. [Drops his bag, opens the cover of the stove, spits into it, then replaces the cover.]

Wayne: Are you, er... kipping here again tonight, are you?

Magowan: Where am I supposed to be kippin'?

Wayne: I just wondered, you know.

Magowan: I didn't sleep to well last night, you know. That bed there's too small.

Wayne: Oh, dear(!)

[Magowan approaches a timid Barry before turning his attention to the dartboard. He takes the six darts out and starts to throw.]

Oz: [Entering the hut] How, lads.

Wayne: Oz... Er, have you had a word with you-know-who about you-know-what, eh?

Oz: Well, I was just about to. [Heads into the storage room]

Wayne: Go on, then.

Oz: [Laying down his toolbag] Hey, Mac, er...

Magowan: [Still throwing darts] What?

Oz: Well, it's about you bein' in here.

Magowan: What about me bein' here?

Oz: Well, there's not all that much room, really, is there?

Magowan: I know, I know. I've gotta rough it.

Oz: Naw, but the thing... the thing is [Notices Magowan has hit a few treble 20s] Dear me, you can't half chuck an arrow, can yer?

Magowan: I never get beat, me.

Oz: Dear me! Marvellous. [Dennis enters the hut] Hey, Dennis, come have a look at this, man. Mac's just the bloke we need in here.

Magowan: Yeah?

Oz: Aye, we've got this darts match comin' up against the Army... [Dennis rolls his eyes]

Magowan: Well, it's lucky for you lads I'm stayin' here!

Dennis: [Softly, to Oz] Prick.

Oz: Eh? [Barry just feebly points to Magowan before going back to reading his letter. Dennis approaches Magowan with Oz.]

Dennis: [To Magowan] Look, mate, er... the thing is, we don't really want you in this hut. [Oz backs away.]

Magowan: Who says?

Dennis: All of us. I'm speakin' for all of us.

Magowan: How come?

Dennis: Well, er, nothing personal, like, yer kna. We don't mind you kippin' here for a couple of nights, yer kna. But you see, us lads, we've, er, got things pretty much together amongst ourselves and, er, we don't want anybody kippin' here on a permanent basis. [Turns around the hut] Isn't that right, lads?

Wayne: Yeah, right. I mean, you know... we're all mates and everything, ain't we?

Moxey: Yeah, we've all got used to each other, y'know.

Barry: Yeah, yeah. It's nothing personal as... as Dennis says... [Magowan approaches Barry again and looks down at him menacingly.]

Magowan: You don't want me stayin' 'ere, is that what you're sayin'?

Barry: Well... not, not in so many words, like, no, no, no. It's... it's a question of harmony, innit? You know... that's what it's a question of, like. It's not easy, is it... for, er, a bunch of... group of men, grown men, all st-staying under... sleeping under one roof, you know? Especially one that lets the wet in, innit? [Giggles nervously.]

Magowan: [To the lads] So you lot want me out, do you? [Dennis nods.]

Oz: Well, after the darts match. At least let 'im stay for the darts match.

Dennis: Oz, that's got bugger all to do with it.

Magowan: And say I don't wanna go. Are you physically going to eject me? [Pushes Dennis] Is that it?

Dennis: Look, none of us is capable of that, as well you know.

Magowan: Just as well you do know that.

Dennis: It'd just be best all round if you left, yer know. I'm just tellin yer straight, yer know, 'cos that's how we'd prefer it.

Magowan: Well, where am I supposed to go? Hey, come here. You've got all the answers.

Dennis: I don't know.

Magowan: Well, what do you take me for, you lot, eh? I mean, I don't bother anybody.

Barry: Would... would the hostel take you back?

Magowan: No chance. All I did was break a chair over the warden's head.

Dennis: That's the sort of person we take you for, yer know. I mean that's the point, like.

Magowan: I don't like gaffers. I don't like bein' told what to do and where to do it! [Throws darts aggressively at the board. Barry cowers.]

Wayne: Now, that's why it wouldn't work out here, would it? I mean we're sticklers for rules and regulations, we are, son. Gotta abide by the house rules, see.

Dennis: You could get a flat on your own, that's your best bet, surely.

Magowan: A flat will cost me, won't it? Advance against breakages.

Wayne: Which in your case won't be returnable, will it? [Chuckles. Magowan approaches him.] No offence, squire. It was just a joke.

Magowan: Don't you clown with me, ducky. [Gets almost in Wayne's face]

Dennis: A flat's your best bet. Maybe we can help you out, yeah?

Magowan: If I get a flat, you can say goodbye to the scratch you put up for me bail. You won't see that again. [Gets in Wayne's face] Just think about that.

---

[Wayne and Barry are in a bar]

Barry: Mmmmm. I enjoyed that flick.

Wayne: Yeah, I always did like a good Chinese film with German voices(!)

Barry: Ahh, it don't matter much with these martial arts stories, does it? No, it's the mayhem and the gratuitous violence that counts.

Wayne: Maybe we should all take up karate, eh? That might get rid of you-know-who.

Barry: Right. I, er... I often have fantasies about being Bruce Lee, don't you?

Wayne: No. He can't sing.

Barry: I'd really like to be able to, you know, chop a brick in half, smash it right in half. Wouldn't you?

Wayne: Not a lot.

Barry: It'd be great, though, wouldn't it? Just once to be confronted by bloodthirsty hooligans, and dispose of them with a few timely chops to the neck. I've always wanted to be able to do that. Especially after a Wolves game when I found meself hemmed in by hordes of rampant skinheads.

Wayne: You constantly surprise me, you do, Barry. Eh? I mean, beneath that passive exterior beats the heart of a would-be ninja.

Barry: Yeah?

Wayne: Yeah.

Barry: ...What's a ninja?

Wayne: A ninja? I thought you'd have known that. In your martial arts fraternity, none is more deadly than your ninja.

Barry: Really?

Wayne: Yeah. It's the ultimate, son. Just one look, right, can fill a man with dread.

Barry: A bit like Magowan.

Wayne: No. He's no ninja, son. A certifiable lunatic, he is.

Barry: Ah, he's certainly kept us out of the hut, hant'he? That's my third film in three days.

Wayne: [Looking out of the window] Ain't that Nev?

Barry: Where?

Wayne: There. [Outside, Neville walks past an adult cinema.]

Barry: Aye, it is, innit? Yeah. Where's he off to?

Wayne: Where's he been, more like it, eh?

Barry: Aye, he's been very cagey these last few days, han't he?

Wayne: I'm sure I've seen him come out of that place across the street there.

Barry: What's place?

Wayne: That one there, look. The porn cinema.

Barry: No?

Wayne: Yeah.

Barry: That's weird, that is, you know, 'cos... the other day I caught Nev copying out an ad from a shop window.

Wayne: Really? What ad was that?

Barry: I dunno, but it was for things like flats and flagellation.

Wayne: No.

Barry: Ah, straight up.

Wayne: Well, Nev's obviously found himself an outside interest, then, ain't he, eh?

---

[Barry and Oz practice for the darts match against Colin and the army lads.]

Oz: [As Barry throws...] Treble... double 20... and a 20... and 5. 65.

Barry: 65? I'm getting good at this, ain't I? I could make the team. [Gets the darts out.]

Oz: Too late now, it's already been decided who's playin' - me, Dennis, Magowan and Moxey.

Barry: Oh, Moxey's only in because of his board, isn't he? [Oz takes his turn]

Moxey: 'Ey! I 'eard that!

Barry: So?

Moxey: So it's not true. Look, we played the aggregate all week, right? I qualified fair and square.

Barry: Yeah, only by the skin of your teeth.

Moxey: I still qualified, though!

Wayne: Bloody hell, you'd think it was the Olympics!

Oz: [Counting his total] Seventy-four... [Imitating a darts announcer] "Oz, you require double 16." [Gets his darts while Barry steps up to the oche.]

Moxey: 'Ey, you could be scorer, Barry.

Barry: Bog off. That's Nev's privelige, innit? After all, he arranged it.

Wayne: Is, er, Nev picking up them soldier lads, then?

Barry: [As he throws] Ah, the station, three o'clock.

Wayne: Better organise the booze, eh?

Barry: Yeah, we can arrange it on the dining table, can't we?

Oz: Go on, man.

Barry: All right. Get some crisps.

Wayne: Oh, nice and festive, eh? What about some balloons?

Oz: [Looks at Barry's score] 13? I thought you said you were improvin'!

Barry: [Points behind him] Well he put me off with his bloody sarcasm, didn't he? [Neville enters the hut]

Oz: Right. Double 8 wanted.

Moxey: All right, Nev? Letter on your bed, mate.

Neville: Oh aye? It's probably from Brenda, wondering why her money's short this week.

Wayne: Is that why you're putting in so much overtime, then?

Neville: It's not for the love of it, is it?

Oz: Double 8 needed... [Having hit a single 16, he then hits a treble 16.]

Barry: [Chuckles] Ah, choked under pressure. Let's see... you want double 8, and I want...

Oz: 219.

Neville: [Reading the letter] Oh, aye, it's from Colin.

Oz: Oh aye? What's his craic?

Neville: ...Oh, they've got a dress parade tomorrow morning. Oh, he's comin' over Monday instead.

Moxey: Oh, that's no good. It's no fun unless it's the weekend. [Barry hits a 5 and a 4...]

Oz: Well, that's all right, it'll give us some practice time. [Barry misses the board entirely and hits the wall.] Nice shot, Barry. One in the 5, one in the 4, and one in the wall.

Neville: Best get the booze in today, eh? Naebody'll have any money left come Monday. Has that Magowan paid us anything back yet?

Wayne: Has he what?

Neville: I want what he owes. There's no reason why I should have to work Saturday mornings and Brenda go short for the likes of him, is there?

Oz: [Hitting the double 8] That's it. Beautiful dart.

---

[At the bar, the lads get four crates of beer]

Barry: [To Dennis, gesturing to the barman] Hey, there's no crisps, Den. We've got to have crisps, mate!

Dennis: Man! You can get yer crisps on Monday, man, Barry!

Barry: Ah, right. Right.

Oz: [Entering the bar] Wa-hey!

Moxey: 'Ey, Oz.

Dennis: Did you get the, er, spirits, mate?

Oz: Why aye. [Produces two bottles from under his jacket and places them in the crates] Schnapps... and a bottle of vodka.

Dennis: Smashing!

Neville: That should be enough, shouldn't it?

Dennis: That depends if the Army drink as much as us lads, eh? [Barry chuckles.] Listen, this lot's not got to be touched 'til Monday, right?

Oz: What?! Hang on a minute! I mean, if we're ganna carry this all the way over to the hut, I think we deserve a drink.

Dennis: Nah, nah, we've got it in now, man, as an insurance against anybody's reckless spending, right? Not one drop of this will be touched by anybody. Including Magowan. [Neville, Moxey, Barry and Dennis each pick up a crate, while Oz picks up the schnapps and vodka]

Moxey: He's no problem, you know. 'Ey, he pissed off, y'know, when he heard the darts had been cancelled. Said he wouldn't be back 'til tomorrow.

Dennis: Did he?

Barry: You mean we've got a night's reprieve?

Moxey: Well, it looks like it!

Dennis: [Suddenly jubilant] Right, in that case, it's my round! [Puts his crate down] What do you want to drink? [The others also put their crates and bottles down]

Neville: That's more like it!

Oz: And we'll get stuck into the vodka when we get back.

Neville: Aye! Let's celebrate, yeah?

Dennis: [To the barman] Five bottles of pils...

---

[Barry and Neville return to the site from the baths. Magowan enters the hut and puts his bag on his bed. Barry and Neville enter a short time after. Barry approaches Magowan as he chucks his clothes onto the bed.]

Barry: Where have the lads gone?

Magowan: Down the pub, I should think.

Barry: Did you, erm... have a nice time?

Magowan: Oh, yeah. Nice time. Aye.

Neville: Why? Did you have a fight?

Magowan: What's that supposed to mean?

Neville: Isn't that your usual way of havin' a good time?

Barry: [Laughs nervously] It's just a joke, innit?

Magowan: I must have got paralytic if my head's any clue.

Barry: Where... where'd you stay, like?

Magowan: Over the river there. I got this bird, see, I gave her a right seeing to. You would have been proud of me. [He notices the crates of beer] Christ! Miracles never cease, eh?

Neville: [Stops in front of Magowan] That's for tomorrow night for the match.

Magowan: [Pushes Neville away] You're not gonna miss a couple of bottles, are ya? [Gets a bottle from the crate and opens it]

Neville: No, but we all chipped in for that. Did you?

Magowan: Well, I never invited them! [Takes a swig]

Neville: No, but they're our guests.

Magowan: Look, I'll win that darts match for you, all right? Put some money on that, you'll get it all back.

Neville: I want back what you owe me... what you owe all of us. [Magowan aggressively approaches Neville]

Barry: [Backing away] Oh, I'm all right, like. I've got a bit put aside, you know.

Magowan: You want what back, kid?

Neville: Just... what you owe for the bail, like.

Magowan: Look, if I'm gonna get a flat I'm gonna need that money, aren't I, as a deposit. That was all agreed.

Neville: Well I never agreed.

Magowan: Talk to that wet nurse of yours, you know, Patterson. He'll put you straight.

Neville: I don't care what the others agreed. I want my money back.

Magowan: Just drop it, will you?

Barry: Nev, I think you'd better leave it. I think Mac's getting the needle.

Magowan: I only get the needle when I drink.

Neville: Dutch courage, you mean?

Magowan: [Aggressively puts the bottle down and confronts Neville] Look, Geordie, if you wanna make somethin' of it, I'll bloody kill you. [To Barry] And that goes for you an' all, mate! [Shoves Neville] Got that?

Neville: Don't shove me!

Magowan: No? [Shoves Neville again.]

Neville: Hey! [Shoves Magowan back. Magowan headbutts Neville and punches him in the stomach!]

Barry: Oi, leave 'im alone! [Magowan goes for Barry, who backs off straight away, cowering. Neville coughs and retches, clutching his stomach. Magowan grabs his coat.]

Magowan: Hey. I'll be back for the darts match. [Throws his empty bottle at Barry, who catches it, then leaves the hut.]

---

[The day after going into town to the adult cinema to look for Neville, but finding Herr Grunwald there instead, Dennis goes into the site office...]

Dagmar: Good morning.

Dennis: Morning, Dagmar.

Grunwald: You wish something?

Dennis: Er, just a word in your ear, sir.

Grunwald: [To Dagmar] Dagmar, bitte machen sie mir eine Tasse Kaffee. (Dagmar, can you go make me a coffee, please?)

Dagmar: Das dauert noch ein bischen. Es is noch nicht ganz durch gemacht. (It'll take a while. It's not quite ready yet.)

Grunwald: Ich glaube, ich habe mein Auto nicht abgeschlossen. Können Sie mal sehen? (I think I forgot to lock my car. Can you go and check?) [Hands Dagmar his car keys. She takes them and leaves the office.] Follow me, please. [Dennis follows Grunwald into his office.] Yes, Patterson, what is it?

Dennis: Not a word. Not one word will be heard by any of my lads. No to no-one, not to the Brits, not to the Erics, not to nobody. You have my solemn oath.

Grunwald: All your hut knows.

Dennis: All except Magowan. But the rest of my lads, I promise you. However, if, er... if Magowan does find out, I mean his silence... I cannae guarantee.

Grunwald: So?

Dennis: So, er... it'd be best all round if Magowan left.

Grunwald: For what excuse can I give? He is good worker.

Dennis: You'll think of somethin'. [Smiles, then leaves Grunwald to it.]

---

[A short time later, Magowan leaves the site office with a face like thunder. He approaches the lads and packs up his tools.]

Dennis: Where you off to?

Magowan: I got me cards from Grunwald.

Oz: What for?

Magowan: He says he heard through the grapevine the judge is gonna do me when I go up, you know, make an example or somethin'.

Dennis: Never!

Magowan: Apparently. I told yer they'd stuff it to me, didn't I? Vindictive bastards!

Dennis: Aye, well, yer... yer best off goin' home. It's better than bein' in the clink.

Magowan: Aye, s'pose so. [Starts to walk off]

Oz: So long, mate.

Neville: You'll not be missed.

Magowan: [Turns back and squares up to Neville] That's your bail money up the spout, kid! [Walks off again, this time picking up a wrench as he passes a digger, throwing it through a cabin window, breaking it.]

---

[The end of the day. Herr Grunwald leaves the site office and gets to his car. Dennis walks past.]

Dennis: Herr Grunwald?

Grunwald: Ja?

Dennis: [Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.

[Wayne leaves the hut to speak to Neville.]

Wayne: Hey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?

Neville: Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?

Barry: We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.

Neville: Ahh, great!

Oz: Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.

Neville: Ah, that's not important.

[They enter the hut to find Dennis in there.]

Neville: How, Den!

Barry: Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.

Oz: Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!

Moxey: Better get some practice in.

Oz: Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.

Dennis: Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.

Oz: Why? How's that, like?

Dennis: Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]

Last Rites

[In the hut, Oz tries to get the lads on side for a business venture...]

Oz: Er, listen, lads, if youse lot wanna make a few bob on the side, er, maybes you should come in wi' me.

Dennis: How'd you mean, like?

Wayne: Doin' a bit of moonlighting, are ya, Oz?

Oz: Well, I might have this business proposition, right? See, I've met this Eric. Canny lad... for an Eric. Anyway, nothing's finalised yet, so I can't say so much, but if you want in, now's the time to speak up.

Wayne: Hold on... d'you mean speak up to divvy up, son?

Oz: Both, both.

Dennis: Well, tell us what it is, then.

Oz: Nah, I can't yet.

Neville: Well, how will we be expected to chip in if you won't explain?

Oz: Well, that's the whole point, man, Neville.

Neville: Well, it escapes me, Oz!

Oz: Look, the more yer speculate, the more coin yer get back in the back end.

Dennis: But Oz, we're entitled to know what we're speculatin' in!

Oz: Aye, in due course, Dennis. When I get everythin' finalised. [Checks himself in the mirror.] But, er, for the moment, all I need is yer readies and yer trust. [Turns round to see blank faces.] Was that askin' too much, like?

Dennis: Bollocks!

Neville: Ah, howay!

Wayne: Nah, you're askin' too much, son.

Oz: Well, suit yerselves, I'll seek investment elsewhere, stuff you lot!

Dennis: Oz! How, at least give us a clue!

Oz: [Leaves the hut... then pokes his head in a few seconds later] Well, it's adult, and it's liable to cause offence. [Leaves the hut again.]

Dennis [Thinking aloud] "It's adult, and liable to cause offence"?

Wayne: Sounds like Oz.

---

[On the site, Oz and Bomber get a pallet of bricks from a crane...]

Oz: [To the crane operator, motioning] In a bit... Whoa, whoa... Right, down at that. [The crane starts lowering the bricks. To Bomber] Look, all I need is cash upfront, and then we'll be quids in.

Bomber: What kind of business?

Oz: Big business. Expanding markets, guaranteed demand. See, all we've got to do is buy the gear here, ship it home and then we're quids in.

Bomber: What is it?

Oz: Well... I don't want you goin' tellin' the rest, 'cos they never take us seriously, that lot.

Bomber: [Motions] Cross me 'eart. Now, what are you on about?

Oz: [Whispering] Porn.

Bomber: [Mishearing] What? Corn?

Oz: [Whispering] No, man. Porn, man. Porn, yer kna?

Bomber: What are you on about? Are you opening Gateshead's first massage parlour?

Oz: Nah, man. Videos, man. Importing videos. [The operator stops lowering the bricks.]

Bomber: You're askin' me to handle pornographic videos? Me? The father of five children?

Oz: Well, they don't have to watch 'em.

Bomber: Are you off your rocker, lad?

Oz: Ah, well, forget it. [Waves his hands, the crane operator mistakes this as a signal to lower the bricks onto the scaffold.] I just thought with five bairns, you might've needed the extra coin.

Bomber: You're off your bloody rocker, boyo! [The pallet lands on the scaffold... and on Bomber's foot!]

---

[In hospital, after Dennis and Neville see Bomber off to have his foot set in a cast, there's a commotion in another ward...]

Nurse: Kommen Sie, Schwester. Schnell! (Come on, Sister. Quick!) [They attend to a cantankerous, but very poorly, elderly gentleman.]

Sister: Wo waren Sie denn? (Where have you been?)

Nurse: Es war Doktor Schnabel. (It was Dr. Schnabel.) [Turns to the patient] Herr Irwin, bitte geben Sue uns, was Sie da verstecken. (Mr. Irwin, please give us what you're hiding.)

Hedley: Das maken worse it gets.

Sister: Sie sind aber ein sturer Mensch. (You are so stubborn!)

Hedley: [Breathlessly] Look, I came to this hospital... for some quiet. Why don't yer bugger off, man!

Dennis: [As he and Neville pass by the ward] Did you hear that? The old guy's a Brit.

Neville: Aye, sounds like it. [They go into the ward.]

Dennis: Hey, man. What's the matter, son? Just calm down. The nurses are here to help you, aren't they? [To the Sister and Nurse] Er, sorry. Didn't mean to impose. We just realised he was British and thought he might not understand you, like, you know.

Nurse: He understands very well. In any language, he is stubborn old man!

Hedley: Maul zu! (Shut up!)

Sister: [Preparing to put an oxygen mask on the patient] Seien Sie bitter ruhig! (Be quiet, please!)

Dennis: Well, we didn't mean to impose, er... just thought you might want a hand. [He and Neville turn to leave.]

Nurse: No. No, that is most kind. Perhaps because you English, he is...

Neville: Well, he might calm down?

Dennis: He might listen to us?

Nurse: Ja. He has no-one, you see. No friends or family.

Dennis: [Seeing the Sister has put the oxygen mask on the patient] Can he, er, talk though, with that thing on?

Nurse: Ja. If he get short breath, he tell me.

Dennis: Fair enough. Er... what was the panic about?

Nurse: He hide something. Will you find it?

Dennis: Well, we'll give it a try, won't we?

Neville: Yeah. Sure.

Nurse: Danke. Nehmen Sie seine Maske ab, Schwester, Lassen Sie ihn allein. (Thank you. Take off his mask, Sister. Leave him alone.) [She takes the mask off the patient.] Station Neun, Schwester Elisabeth, bitte. (Station Nine, Sister Elizabeth, please.) [The Sister and Nurse leave them alone. Dennis and Neville go to the patient.]

Dennis: How are you feelin, then?

Hedley: How would you feel with this... contraption? [Holding up the oxygen mask]

Dennis: Aye, well. It's for your own good, isn'it? I mean, they know best, don't they?

Hedley: Aye, so they say.

Neville: How come you've ended up here, then, eh?

Hedley: 'Cos I'm bloody dyin', that's how!

Neville: No, no, I meant, in a German hospital.

Hedley: I live 'ere.

Dennis: In the city?

Hedley: For the past few years, aye. There were a few other places before here, mind. Mannheim. Essen. It's the job, you see? The foundries. [Points to his chest] I can thank them for all this, man(!)

Dennis: What's the matter with yer, like?

Hedley: Chronic bronchitis.

Dennis: ...Oh, I'm Dennis, by the way. This is Neville.

Neville: Pleased to meet you...

Hedley: Aye... Hedley. Hedley Irwin.

Dennis: Well, we're pleased to meet you, Hedley.

Neville: It sounds like you're a Geordie, Hedley.

Hedley: No, I'm bloody not! I'm from Darlington!

Neville: Oh, well? Aye, we're from just up the road.

Dennis: Aye.

Hedley: Never been back to Blighty since... 1946.

Dennis: Never!

Neville: How come?

Hedley: Not after what they did to me!

Neville: Who?

Hedley: The British! [Coughs] Look, er... it's a long story. I'll tell you more when I'm more up to it.

Dennis: [Sitting down next to Hedley] Listen, er... would you like us to come back and see you again? I mean, the sister said that you didn't have anybody, like.

Hedley: Suit... suit yerself, man. It's not the first time I've been here, man. At least it's the last!

Dennis: Ah, get away, man! You've gotta trust the staff. What are yer hiding in there, eh?

Hedley: [Defensively] Nothin'! Don't you start!

Dennis: I tell you what, we'll make a deal with, right? You cough up whatever it is you're hiding, and me and Neville'll come back and see you again, eh?

Hedley: You're as bad as them buggers out there!

Neville: Howay, Hedley, man. We can bring you fruit, or books, or whatever you need.

Hedley: I need some slippers. And some soap.

Dennis: Right, you've got them. Howay, cought it up, whatever it is. [Hedley reaches under his sheets and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. He hands them to Dennis.] Are you tryin' to kill yerself, Hedley?

Hedley: Aye. [Chuckles]

---

[Dennis and Neville make good their promise to see Hedley again in hospital. They are both sat either side of Hedley's bed...]

Dennis: What happened, Hedley, back in the war? I mean, what started all this off?

Hedley: [Takes a breather] ...Staff Sergeant Hedley Irwin, 22215709, sir. [Starts coughing violently.]

Dennis: Take it easy, Hedley. It's all right, man.

Hedley: [Points under his bed] Give us that tin.

Dennis: Just lie back.

Neville: [Getting the tin] This one?

Hedley: Aye, that's it. [Hedley opens the tin.] I was in the war, you know, as well. [Getting his medals out.] Army of Occupation. Stayed on. The Yanks... the Ivans... and us. [Starts coughing again. He reaches for his mask.]

Dennis: [Helping Hedley with the mask] Take it easy, it's all right. [Hedley takes a few deep breaths.]

Neville: [To Dennis] What's he on about?

Dennis: Well, y'see, when the war was over, the British, the Americans, the French and the Russians, they stayed in Germany to, like, occupy it. Yer kna, to administer it, like. Well, Hedley, he was obviously in the British lot.

Hedley: [Takes the mask off and puts it aside] Non-fraternisation. That's what they called it. You weren't allowed to mix. But a lot of Jerries worked for us. But you weren't allowed to fraternise socially. Verboten. [Takes out an old photograph of a young woman and shows it to Neville] She worked at Command Headquaters. On the switchboard, she worked. Spoke the bloody lingo, didn't she?

Dennis: So... what did you do that was so terrible, then?

Hedley: Why, I married her, didn't I? [Starts coughing again.]

Dennis: Here. [Gives Hedley the mask.] Nurse!

---

[Back at the hut, Neville relays the story to Bomber, who is laid up in bed.]

Neville: Hey, the rules were ever so strict. Even when our lot wanted to pick up their kids from school, they couldn't talk to the German parents. I think that's terrible, don't you?

Bomber: It seems a bit unnecessary, seeing as the war was over.

Oz: Seems perfectly logical to me. I mean, if I'd spent six years fightin' the Krauts, the last thing I'd wanna do would be to fraternise with them in the local!

Neville: Aye, but the war was over, Oz.

Oz: Oh, aye. Precious comfort for some(!) Precious comfort for me Uncle Dan who got a leg blown off in Tripoli. I cannae see him wantin' to buy drinks for the buggers who blew it off in the first place.

Neville: Well, the Germans suffered too! Everybody suffered one way or another.

Bomber: So what happened to old Hedley, then?

Neville: He married her, didn't he? So they cashiered him. Hoyed him out of the Army. No pension. Nothin'. 'Ey, it's tragic when you think about it.

Oz: Me granny suffered an' all, yer kna. They flattened her with a bomb on her way back from The Black Horse. Poor soul. She only nipped out for a milk stout!

---

[Dennis and Neville return to the hospital to see Hedley. His condition has worsened. He now has the mask attached to his face.]

Dennis: [From outside the ward] Oh, he's got the doings on, look. He mustn't be too good.

Neville: Aye. [Tuts] It's rotten to be old, isn'it? At least, old and sick and on your own.

Dennis: Aye, it must be. Aye.

Neville: You see 'em back home an' all, don't you? Queuing up on pension day, outside the post office. Hunched up against that cold wind. Sittin' in front of a one-bar gas fire, with a tin of pet food.

Dennis: Oh, knock it off, man, Neville!

Neville: Well...

Dennis: There's no need to be so bloody maudlin. Hey, I'm ten years nearer pension day than you, remember?

Neville: [As they enter the ward] I'll see you all right, Dennis. You can come over Sundays and Brenda'll do you a leg of lamb.

Nurse: Hello. You come again?

Neville: Yeah.

Dennis: Er... is he not too good?

Nurse: No, not today.

Neville: Oh, well... Could you just give him these three oranges and tell him we popped in? [Holds out a bag of oranges]

Nurse: No, no. You see him. It will be good for him. Just a little time, yes? [They go over to Hedley's bedside] Look, your friends are here.

Dennis: Hello, Hedley.

Nurse: [Taking Hedley's mask off] Just a few minutes, yes? [She leaves.]

Hedley: [Weakly] Am I still here?

Dennis: Course you're still here! Where d'you think you were goin' to, like? [Neville puts the oranges at the foot of the bed]

Hedley: You may well ask.

Neville: [Pointing to the tin] What's this, then, Hedley? Been goin' through your things again, have yer? [Opens the tin.]

Hedley: I like to put my affairs in order.

Neville: Aye. [Takes out an envelope] What's this?

Hedley: [Snatching the envelope away] Leave that bugger alone. It's got nowt to do with you.

Neville: Sorry.

Hedley: Some things are private, yer know. [Coughs. Dennis puts the mask over Hedley's face.]

Neville: Shall we get the Sister? [Hedley breathes heavily.]

Dennis: He's alreet. He's alreet now. Just put that tin away. [Neville does so.]

Hedley: [Taking the mask off and letting it drop by his side. Now slightly delirious] Ever... ever been to the Dales?

Dennis: Eh?

Hedley: Well, before the war, he had a farm.

Neville: Who?

Hedley: An uncle. An uncle of ours. Before the war, we went by train. They called us townies. We'd never seen cows, or fields.

Dennis: Was this your sister and you?

Hedley: Aye, she was there. Me mam, dad. Our Norman got drunk. Dad took his belt off. Ha! Oh, dear! He couldn't sit down! He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't. Not in front of us. Not in front of the young 'uns.

Neville: [To Dennis] Norman must've been his big brother, eh?

Dennis: Could've been, aye. [To Hedley] So, you had some happy times, Hedley, yeah?

Hedley: Mabel got bit. The goat bit her. [Goes to sleep, breathing heavily.]

Dennis: [To Neville] Better leave him be. [They get up. Dennis moves the oranges to Hedley's bedside cupboard, and they go to the door.]

Neville: Is he all right?

Dennis: Aye, he's okay, aye. He'd turn blue if he was bad, Neville. [They leave the ward.]

Neville: You know how to look after him, don't you, Den?

Dennis: Oh-ho, you'll look after me when I get old, won't you, Nev?

Neville: Promise. You'll want for nothing. [Starts walking faster than Dennis] I'm not talkin' too fast for you, am I, Grandad? [They playfight for a moment.]

---

[Dennis and Neville leave Bomber to get his cast off. They go to Hedley's ward, but his bed is empty, except for his tin and the envelope...]

Sister: Oh, you come again?

Dennis: Yeah. Er... have you moved him?

Sister: I'm sorry, he's died.

Neville: Eh?

Sister: It was expected.

Neville: But... he was only... here yesterday.

Sister: Of course, but...

Dennis: Here, Neville, well, I mean...

Sister: One minute. [She goes to the bed and picks up Hedley's belongings.]

Dennis: Like the Sister says, you know, it was... for the best. It was expected.

Sister: He has no family in Germany since his wife's death.

Dennis: Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Nurse: [Passing through with pillowcases] Vorsicht! Vorsicht! Darf ich bitte vorbei. Danke schön. (Excuse me! Excuse me! Can I get through, please? Thank you very much.)

Sister: So, perhaps you wish to take this.

Dennis: Oh. Okay then, thanks. [Takes Hedley's belongings from the Sister.]

Sister: He was looking at these before he... It was the last thing he was holding.

Dennis: Really? [The Sister leaves the ward.]

Neville: [Upset] I cannae believe it.

Dennis: Aye. It shakes you up a bit, son, doesn't it?

Neville: [Sitting on the bed] I've, erm, I've never experienced death before. Not first hand. I mean, me dad died, but I was just a nipper. A few relatives I hardly knew.

Dennis: [Opening the envelope] Yeah, well... we barely knew him, I mean, did we?

Neville: No, but we were gettin' to know him though, weren't we? And then, next day, just like that...

Dennis: Yer see, Neville, I mean, you're a young lad, you know. You go to christenings and weddings. You know, once you start gettin' a bit older, you... you get used to goin' to funerals, yer kna.

Neville: I suppose so. [Dennis takes out the items in the envelope.] What's those?

Dennis: Oh, some old, er, postcards. [He looks through them] The Lake District... Vale of Evesham... Hey, yer kna, despite what the old bugger said, I reckon, er... he missed England after all, yer know.

Neville: Where will he be buried, Dennis?

Dennis: Well, here, I suppose. I mean, he didn't have anybody else, did he?

Neville: He had a sister.

Dennis: [Looks at Neville] So what?

Neville: I think he'd have wanted to go back home.

---

[Back at the hut, Dennis and Neville break the news...]

Moxey: [Sees the postcards] What's all that?

Neville: Ah, it was old Hedley's.

Moxey: Oh. How is he?

Dennis: He, er... he died today. [Moxey and Wayne's faces turn sorrowful.]

Moxey: Oh. Poor old sod. A whole lifetime in a biscuit tin. I hope I amount to more than that.

Dennis: Er, look, lads, now that you're all here, there's, er, somethin' that Neville and I wanted to talk over with you.

Oz: Oh, aye? What's that?

Dennis: Well, you see, the thing is, we reckon the old fella would've wanted to have gone home.

Bomber: I thought he hated Blighty.

Dennis: Well, he said he did, Bomber. But y'see, the last things he was lookin' at was photographs of England.

Neville: Aye, and last time we seen him, he was gettin' very sentimental, like.

Dennis: Now, I know the rest of you didn't know the old bloke, an' you're not beholden or anythin' like that, but the thing is, we just don't fancy the idea of him being buried here.

Moxey: How much would it cost, you know, to send a b-body back?

Dennis: Well, I don't know yet. You see, we were all waitin' on you, you know, to see how you felt in principle. But, er, I've been onto the hospital authorities and they're waitin' on us.

Bomber: Sounds fair enough. What family's he got? [Oz listens intently]

Dennis: We've got the address of his sister.

Wayne: Well, we'll give her a bell then, eh?

Neville: We tried that, she's not on the phone.

Barry: Well, send a telegram, then.

Dennis: Well, that doesn't seem advisable, Barry. She can't be any spring chicken herself. I mean, yer kna, if she gets bad news like this, I mean, the shock could kill her.

Neville: Anyways, see, the point is, she only lives in Hemel Hempstead. [Turns to Wayne] And we thought as...

Dennis: As you're going for the weekend, Wayne...

Wayne: No, no, no. Do me a favour, lads!

Neville: Howay, man, it's only a short train ride from London. You could drop in and break the news gently to her. [Oz gets an idea how he can smuggle the porn videos into the UK...] Maybe give her his things.

Dennis: If she's flush, she'll probably pay the expenses. And, if not, we can all chip in, can't we?

Wayne: No, no. I said I'm sorry. I'm going back for the wedding, right? Okay, I've got the whole weekend mapped out. I'm gonna buy me some clothes, get meself strumped, and go and get drunk with the lads.

Oz: Well, what a despicable attitude, eh? [Gets off his bed] I hope you never die abroad, London!

Wayne: Here, hang about.

Oz: Yeah?

Wayne: You never knew him, Oz.

Oz: He was a Brit, wasn'he? An' if us Brits cannae stick together in a foreign land, who can, eh? I mean, I think this man deserves to be laid to rest on his native soil! Eh?

Wayne: Well, if you feel that strongly about it...

Oz: Well, it's the only decent thing to do man, isn'it? All right?

Wayne: All right, all right. I just hope God puts this in my plus column when I snuff it, mate!

Bomber: You could do with a few credits, boyo.

Oz: It's the only decent thing to do, isn'it?

Neville: Thanks, Oz.

Oz: Oh, it's nothin'. You can do the same for me sometime. Well, not for a while, I hope. [Oz gets his towel and leaves, followed by Moxey.]

Neville: [To the others] Wonders never cease!

[As Oz and Moxey walk to the bathroom cabin...]

Moxey: Are you, er... C-Catholic, Oz?

Oz: Not that I kna of. What for?

Moxey: Well, I mean, you must be some sort of Christian. I never knew you had such d-depth of conviction.

Oz: [Laughs] Moxey, man, we've just found wor import licence, man!

---

[Wayne goes to Hemel Hempstead to break the news to Hedley's sister. He goes to the front door, but no-one is in. He goes into the back garden, where he sees someone in the greenhouse.]

Wayne: [Knocks on the greenhouse] Excuse me?

Bob: Yes?

Wayne: Is this the home of Mrs. Mabel Hilton?

Bob: Yes.

Wayne: You must be Mr. Hilton, then.

Bob: Yes. Come round here. [He meets Wayne at the greenhouse door] Is this about the estimate for the roof?

Wayne: You what? No.

Bob: Oh... well, we've waited long enough for it. He was supposed to come last Tuesday, and he never turned up. And Mabel stayed in all day. Missed the shops.

Wayne: Look, is, er, Mabel in?

Bob: She's at the laundrette. Who are you, then?

Wayne: My name's Wayne. But, er, I'm afraid I've brought you and your good lady wife some rather unpleasant news.

Bob: It is about that bloomin' roof!

Wayne: No, no, it's not. It's er... It's about Mabel's brother. Hedley.

Bob: Hedley? What about him?

Wayne: I'm afraid he's died, sir.

Bob: I thought he died years ago.

[Bob invites Wayne into the house.]

Bob: [Enters the living room with two bottles of beer and two glasses] Here we are.

Wayne: [Takes a bottle and glass] Oh, thanks, Mr. Hilton.

Bob: Bob. Call me Bob. [Sits down in an armchair. Wayne sits on the sofa. They start pouring beer into their glasses] No... I never knew Hedley. I wouldn't know him from Adam. He was in Germany when I married Mabel and he never came back. She never speaks about him.

Wayne: Well, I never knew him myself, squire. See, it was me mates what met him. [Raises his glass and starts to drink.] I brought this. [Takes the tin out of a bag.] Some of his bits and pieces. There' nothing of any value, you know, except sentimental.

Bob: [On hearing the front door closing] That'll be the wife. Here, put your glass onto the mat, will you? She doesn't like beer stains on the mahogany.

Wayne: Oh, right. [He does so. Mabel enters the room.]

Bob: Hello, love. We've got visitors.

Mabel: Oh, oh yes? I'll just get me things off. [Takes off her coat]

Wayne: Er... Hello, Mrs. Hilton. My name's Wayne. [He shakes her hand]

Bob: He comes from Germany.

Mabel: Oh. Oh, it's not about the roof, then?

Bob: He knew Hedley.

Mabel: Hedley?!

Wayne: Yeah. Some of my mates met him in this hospital.

Bob: He's dead, Mabel.

Mabel: [Not reacting to the news] Put the kettle on, dear. [She gives Bob her coat.]

Bob: Yes, of course, dear. [He grabs his glass of beer and makes for the kitchen]

Wayne: Look, I'm sorry. But it was quite peaceful, like.

Mabel: Sit down, young man.

Wayne: Right. Thanks. [He sits down again. Mabel sits on the armchair.]

Mabel: How did you say you knew Hedley?

Wayne: Well, I didn't. Not directly, you see. My mates did. Apparently, he was quite a character, from all accounts. Anyhow, just before he snu... erm, passed on, like, he was showing the lads these things, you know. [Shows her the tin] Photos an' that. That's how we got your address. And, well, me and me mates, we thought he'd like to be buried here in England. [He offers her the tin.]

Mabel: But if he's died in Germany, he should be buried in Germany, shouldn't he?

Wayne: Eh? But... he's your brother, ain't he?

Mabel: That, young man, is my misfortune. Hedley was a wicked, wicked man. He left a wife here in 1943, met up with some German girl, and poor Nora's never heard a word since. Not had a penny, neither! [Scoffs] He always was a wrong 'un. An' I don't expect time's made a farthing's difference.

Wayne: Hold on, he got turned over by the Army, didn't he? I mean, cashiered for fraternisation.

Mabel: They chucked him out, if that's what you mean. But it wasn't for fraternisation. It was for selling two thousand British Army headlamps to the Russians!

Wayne: [In disbelief] Nah...

Mabel: Oh... He was nothin' more than bad news, our Hedley. And if you and your friends have got him, you can bloody well keep him! [Wayne is left speechless.]

---

[Wayne phones Dennis back at the site.]

Dennis: No, no. Of course. You did the right thing, Wayne, in the circumstances. ...Well, I mean, especially if she... if she feels like that about it. ...No, I'll phone the undertakers. Er, it'll not have left yet.

[On the site...]

Neville: Poor old Hedley, eh?

Dennis: "Poor old Hedley"? You're jokin', aren't yer? He were a right little rascal. Aye, he made a fool of us right enough!

Bomber: He must have fooled a lot more over the years.

Dennis: He was a little waster, Bomber. He wasn't cashiered, yer kna. Court martialled, man.

Neville: I still think it's a shame, especially after all the work we've put in. Especially Oz.

Dennis: Hey, Oz'll be at the airport, I've have to get after him. [Puts down his trowel and starts to run off]

Neville: Oh, aye, aye.

Bomber: Wait a minute, Den. [Den stops.] Old Bomber may be on the slow side, but he's given Oz a lot of thought these last few days.

Dennis: What are you gettin' at?

Bomber: He had some scheme in mind about selling pornographic videos.

Neville: Porno videos?

Dennis: [Thinking back to earlier in the week...] "Adult. Liable to give offence."

Bomber: I knows that 'cos I saw them in his locker.

Dennis: Yeah, so? What?

Bomber: Well, I know they're not there now, 'cos I looked. And I don't want you to think I'm being vindictive just 'cos he mangled my foot, but they're gone. And so's the coffin.

Neville: The coffin [Finally putting 2 and 2 together...] Oh, hey, I cannae believe that, Bomber!

Dennis: Can't you, Neville? Eh? Big-hearted Oz, all of a sudden? Sick grandads in London? Makes sense to me!

Bomber: Now let's look at it this way. If he's really got a sick grandfather, then his trip's worthwhile. But if he's been having us on, he deserves everything he gets!

---

[At Wayne's sister's wedding...]

Oz: [From behind a tomb] Wayne! Come here, man! [Wayne leaves the wedding party as they're having their wedding photos taken and rushes to Oz]

Wayne: What are you doin' here?

Oz: Never mind that. What's happened to Hedley?

Wayne: She didn't want to know. Hated the sight of him. But it's all right, I rung the lads.

Oz: What's happened to the body?

Wayne: Don't worry, it's been cremated. [A church bell peals ominously]

Oz: What? Oh, no! [Breaks down as he realises his, Barry's and Moxey's money is up in smoke] Oh, no! No!

Wayne: You know, I never thought you'd take it that badly, son. [Oz wails loudly and uncontrollably.]

The Lovers

[At The Tivoli, an upmarket bar, Oz and Wayne go on a double date with Uli and Heidi]

Uli: Sieht sehr gut aus. Ja, stimmt das. (Looks good, that... yes, that's right.)

Heidi: Aber kann nicht glauben, daß sein Vater Besitzer ist. (I can't believe his father is the owner.)

Wayne: What's that, loves, eh? [A waitress brings their drinks over.]

Uli: He doesn't look rich.

Wayne: No, no. He does his best to be like one of the lads, Oz. See, his father owns the business we all work for, you know. And, er... Oz takes over when the old man retires, you know. In the meantime he's got to work as a common bricklayer, just for three months, as he learns the business from all sides, like, you know.

Oz: [Having been to the toilet, returns to his seat, fiddling with his collar.] Right! Cheers, girls. I'm as dry as a boot.

Uli: Wayne was telling us about your father.

Oz: Oh, that bugger? [Wayne glances at Oz] Oh, that bugger! Oh, aye. Good bloke, me old man. Started from nothin', yer know, and er... built an empire. Isn't that right, Wayne?

Wayne: Yeah, yeah. That's right. Erm... I was just telling the girls, you know, how one day it'll all be yours.

Oz: Oh, yeah. There's... there's McAlpine's, and Wimpey's, and then there's Osbourne & Son, that's us.

Uli: In the meantime you are just one of the boys?

Oz: Look again, pet. One of the men! [Uli seems rather taken with Oz.]

[A short time later, Wayne and Oz emerge from the toilets]

Oz: 'Ere, Wayne, Wayne? I'm not sure I can keep this up, yer kna.

Wayne: I didn't think you had that sort of problem, Oz. [Chuckles]

Oz: Nah, nah, man, yer kna what I'm talking aboot - stringin' the bird along, man.

Wayne: 'Ere, you're all right, mate. It's just a matter of, er, establishing your credibility, you know. The rest is down to your personal magnetism, innit, son?

[They return to the lounge]

Oz: I dunno why you've gotta cut out so soon.

Wayne: Yes, well that's divide and rule, that's what I always say. See, I've been spending so much time in your case, I've been neglecting the lovely Heidi, ain't I?

Oz: Well, look, you'll have to lend us a couple of hundred.

Wayne: I thought Nev gave you fifty.

Oz: He did. He did, but it's not gonna last long in this place, at these prices, is it? I mean, this Uli looks sophisticated. I mean, she might want steak.

Wayne: [Hands some money to Oz] Look, here's a couple of hundred, right? Now, if that runs out, use your American Express Gold Card, right?

Oz: Oh, yes, I never leave the hut without it, do I(?)

Wayne: [As they return to Uli and Heidi] All right, girls?

Oz: Right, girls. Hey! Ready for another drinkies? [They nod] Yeah? Get 'em in, Wayne.

---

[Back at the hut, Dennis and Neville are learning some basic German. Neville, holding the phrase book, mimes driving a car to a petrol station.]

Dennis: Guten Tag, mein Herr.

Neville: [Mimes winding the window down] Was? (What?)

Dennis: [Rolls his eyes] Guten Tag, mein Herr.

Neville: Guten Tag. Benzin, bitte. (Petrol, please.)

Dennis: Wieviel Benzin? (How much petrol?)

Neville: Dreissig Liter, bitte. (Thirty litres, please.)

Dennis: Thirty, is that thirty?

Neville: [Consulting the phrase book] Aye.

Barry: [Doing his ironing] Now, that sounds really German that does, y'know. I really admire you two for taking the opportunity for educational advancement, you know. When you get back to England, you could have another string to your bow.

Moxey: 'Ey, they'll be able to order petrol on the M1 in Germany.

Dennis: Wollen Sie ein Trink, Neville? (Want to come out for a drink, Neville?)

Neville: Ja, ja, das is ein gut idea.

Moxey: What's that mean?

Dennis: We're goin' over the club for a drink. Are you comin', Barry?

Barry: No, no. No, thanks, I'd better get through this ironing. "Permanent press" seems to have lost its meaning these days.

Dennis: Moxey?

Moxey: [Eating from a tin] I'd like to, y'know, but, er, I'm skint.

Neville: [Getting his coat out of his locker] Ah, don't worry about that, Mox, man. Oz paid us back that fifty he owed us.

Moxey: Oh, right.

Neville: [Checks under his pillow - the fifty is gone.] Oh, no!

Dennis: What's the matter?

Neville: He must've took it back again!

Moxey: Well, he's got an important date down the Tivoli.

Neville: He never asked, though. He makes me mad!

Barry: He takes advantage of your good nature, Nev, if you ask me.

Neville: [Snatches his coat of the bed] Do a bloke like Oz a favour and he walks all o'er yer! Can yer see the footprints up me face? [Puts his coat on, making for the door as he does]

Dennis: Look, you can't do anything about it tonight, Neville.

Neville: I can and I will! There's a principle involved here! He's tried this on once too often! [He leaves the hut. Dennis shrugs. A few seconds later, Neville comes back...] Where'd you say he'd went?

Moxey: Er, down the Tivoli, it was.

Neville: Right. I'm off down there.

Dennis: Auf Wiedersehen, mein Freund.

Neville: Bollocks! [Leaves again.]

---

[Back at the Tivoli, Oz and Uli continue their date...]

Oz: Strange quirk of fate this, isn'it? Y'know? I mean... who'd have thought that me, who's always hated Krauts...

Uli: [Not understanding] You've always hated what?

Oz: Er... Crowds. Crowds. Traffic. I've always liked the countryside, yer know.

Uli: Oh. I too. But you were saying about fate.

Oz: Yeah, well, I mean, who would've thought that I'd be expanding the family empire here in Germany?

Uli: Where will you live?

Oz: Well, in a hut. Y'see, we couldn't get any decent hostel accommodation because it co... [Trying to keep to his story] Oh, right! Where will I live? Erm... well... in the mountains, over a river, yer know. A small castle would just about do it. After all, I'm all alone. Where do you live, Uli?

Uli: Oh... please, I'd rather not talk about me.

Oz: You're not married, are yer?

Uli: Divorced.

Oz: Oh, right, aye. Dennis is gettin' a divorce. That's Dennis, one of the lads who works for us, yer know. Oh, it's costin' him a fortune in maintenance.

Uli: I try to be independent with money. I have my own job.

Oz: Have yer?

Uli: As a beauty consultant.

Oz: Oh, right, right. Well, that's a canny job, isn'it? Hey, listen, you'll have to do me toenails sometime!

Uli: [Chuckles] It's hard to be independent with a jealous boyfriend.

Oz: [Taken aback somewhat] Boyfriend? [Uli nods] What, is he... a big bloke, is he?

Uli: [Hesitantly] Yes... but he's not so important as you are. I've wanted to leave him for a long time, but, er... he's very possessive.

Oz: Well, I can be very possessive meself, yer know, when I have to be! I can be when the need arises...

Neville: [Entering the lounge] Oz, I want a word with you. [Sees Uli] Oh, excuse me, pet. Er, I just want a quick word with the chief here.

Uli: Oh, is this one of your men?

Oz: Er... yeah, one of the lads. That's aboot it. [Reaches into his pocket]

Uli: So, you are in Oz's company?

Neville: Aye, day and night(!)

Oz: Yeah, well, look, er... I kna what yer after, son. Listen... [Hands out a fifty mark note] Will fifty do yer?

Neville: [Taking the money] Oh... thanks, Oz. You're a gentleman!

Oz: I kna, I kna, but, yer kna... there's no need to tell everybody aboot it, man.

Neville: Right, er... good night, miss.

Oz: Now, don't be late in the mornin', will yer? [Neville leaves the bar, a bit confused] Young and daft, yer kna. [Raises his beer] Cheers!

---

[In the hut, Bomber sews a button on to Wayne's jacket]

Wayne: So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?

Bomber: Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.

Wayne: Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.

Dennis: [Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?

Neville: Das ist ein grosse Bier.

[Oz enters the hut in a sweater decorated with Saturn, stars in multiple colours and orange UFOs. The lads cheer and laugh uproariously.]

Dennis: Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!

Wayne: I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.

Oz: Aye, you can(!)

Barry: It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.

Moxey: Barry!

Oz: This is for the best, this!

Wayne: Where'd you get it, Oz?

Oz: She gave us a present, didn't she?

Neville: She must think a lot of you, eh?

Oz: Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]

Moxey: Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.

Oz: [Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.

Moxey: The Queen Mother?!

Oz: Eh?

Dennis: Fiancée?

Oz: Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?

Dennis: What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.

Oz: Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.

---

[On the site, Dennis, Neville and Bomber have a tea break. Oz joins them...]

Oz: Howay, then, lads. That's enough lazing around. Shall we...?

Dennis: What's the panic, like?

Oz: Ah, yer kna, the Erics have started. Doesn't do to lag behind, does it? [Sees Herr Ulrich passing through the site] Oh, guten Tag, Herr Ulrich! Wie geht's? (How are you?)

Ulrich: [Rather surprised] Mir geht's ganz gut, Osbourne. Und ich bin sehr beeindruckt, daß Sie Deutsch spechen versuchen. (I'm fine, Osbourne, and I'm very impressed that you're trying to speak German.)

Oz: ...Pardon?

Dennis: He says he's very impressed, Oz, that you're trying to learn German.

Oz: Oh, aye! Well, just a few words, like. I haven't got that far yet.

Ulrich: Ja, but you're trying, Osbourne. That's good. Also, you're now starting back to work quickly. [Oz nods.] In Germany, just because we have a break does not mean we always take it. [Walks off]

Dennis: [Ruefully] That's great, that is, isn'it, eh? We're on a legitimate break, he makes it look as if we're skivin'!

Bomber: Still creeping 'round the Germans, then?

Oz: Nah, nah, man. Look, since I've been seein' Uli, Bomber, I've seen things in a different light. I mean, I now realise it takes all sorts to make a world. I mean, the average German's alreet. Compared to them Turks.

Bomber: Ah, it's good to know he hasn't changed that much, Bomber, eh?

Neville: What's wrong with the Abduls?

Oz: Look, they account for half the crime in German cities.

Bomber: Oh, cobblers!

Oz: Have a look around, man. The only dirty parts in this town are the parts where the Abduls live.

Dennis: That's not their fault, man. They're over here as sweated labour. They get the worst housing, the lowest wages.

Oz: They're unclean in their habits, Dennis. [Goes off to start work, followed by Neville.]

Neville: So, you're still pretty keen on this Uli, then, Oz, eh?

Oz: You've seen her.

Neville: Sure. I'm not sayin' she's not attractive, but, er, you are a married man, Oz.

Oz: Ah, howay, Nev, man! We got married too young, man. We stuck it out eight years. That's long enough. I mean, let's face it, me and Marjorie's not exactly Charles and Diana, is we?

Neville: No...

Oz: I mean, I don't kid meself, Marjorie's a bit flighty. She's still seein' that bloke from the breweries, yer kna.

Neville: Well, you should've put a stop to that a long time ago.

Oz: What? Have yer seen the size of 'im? He lifts them barrels up with one hand, man!

---

[In the hut, an argument breaks out over what colour to paint it...]

Dennis: Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.

Neville: Well, I like pink.

Dennis: Ah, Neville, man...

Neville: When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.

Bomber: I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.

Moxey: What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?

Wayne: Could do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.

Barry: Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.

Wayne: Sounds like a bloody council estate.

Neville: What's wrong with that?

Moxey: You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.

Barry: Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.

Bomber: Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.

Neville: Right. I'll have my bit pink.

Bomber: Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!

Wayne: And that'll make him see red, won't it?

Dennis: Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.

Barry: Well spoken, Dennis.

Dennis: We've got to agree on one decent colour.

Barry: Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.

Wayne: Oh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)

Barry: Aye.

---

[In the bar, Barry tallies up the scores...]

Moxey: Oh, 'ey. Come 'ead, Barry. The suspense is killin' us.

Barry: Have a bit of patience, Moxey.

Wayne: Apparently, the polls are predicting purple.

Dennis: Aye, well, the Poles don't have to live in our hut, do they?

Barry: Can I have your attention, please, for a moment? [Clears throat] I, as returning officer... [The others shout him down, telling him to get on with it] All right, all right. The votes as cast are as follows. The winner is... yellow.

Dennis: Yellow?!

Barry: By... well, one point.

Dennis: Who voted yellow?

Wayne: I don't like yellow.

Bomber: Me neither. It's not a man's colour!

Moxey: It's a fiddle!

Bomber: I demands a recount!

Barry: Figures don't lie, y'know.

Wayne: So, whose first choice was it then, 'ey?

Barry: [Glances down at his sheet] Nobody's.

Bomber: Well, then, how could it win?

Barry: Because no two people had the same first choice.

Dennis: So... so everybody's first choice only got two points?

Barry: That's right, and yellow got three second places.

Dennis: Well that’s a smashing system that is, Barry, isn'it? Eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants.

Barry: That’s democracy, Dennis.

---

[Bomber goes into town with a friend for a massage at a parlour run by a Turkish man...]

Kemal: Guten Abend, mein Herren.

Bomber: Good evening.

Kemal: Ah, you English. The English are always welcome here. I will get someone to take good care of you. [Claps his hands] Won't be long. [Out comes the masseuse. It's Uli, but Bomber doesn't know.]

Bomber: [As he goes into the back] Have we met before, my dear?

Uli: I do not think so. My name is Uli. [The penny drops with Bomber.]

[After his massage, Bomber goes to the bar. Wayne, Neville and Dennis are there.]

Wayne: He does look relaxed, eh? Done your neck the power of good, has it, sunshine?

Bomber: [To the barman] Can I have one here, chief? [Asks the others] Is Oz around?

Dennis: Nah. He's, er... over the hut, helpin' with the decorating.

Neville: Lyin' on his bed, criticising!

Wayne: He's very good at interior decor, our Oz(!) [He, Dennis and Neville laugh]

Neville: [Noticing Bomber is a little bit quiet] What's the matter, Bomb?

Bomber: It's a bit awkward, and I think this should go no further.

Dennis: What?

Bomber: I met Uli tonight.

Wayne: Uli? What, Oz's Uli?

Neville: I thought you'd went to a massage parlour, eh?

Bomber: I did. That's the point.

Dennis: Never!

Neville: She works there?!

Bomber: Head girl, by the looks of it.

Wayne: I don't believe it. I met her through that Heidi, you know?

Dennis: What, is she in that game as well?

Wayne: Nah, nah, nah. She works on the cosmetic counter at Millers, she does. Well, at least I hope she does. Certainly smells like it!

Dennis: Look, are you sure it was her, Bomber?

Bomber: Her name was Uli, and I recognised her from the photograph.

Neville: So... she's not a beauty consultant?

Wayne: Well, what do you think she does 'round there, son, eh? Facials?

Bomber: It gets worse. According to my mate Dieter, who took me there, her boyfriend's the bloke that owns the place. Nasty piece of work, he looks.

Neville: So, she lied to 'im.

Dennis: That makes two of 'em, doesn't it?

Wayne: Well, I call it poetic jutsice meself.

Neville: Are we ganna tell 'im?

Dennis: [Noticing everyone looking at him] I suppose I'll have to, eh?

Neville: Oz might be very upset, yer kna. Emotionally, like.

Wayne: That's a sobering thought, ain't it, eh?

---

[Having been told the truth about Uli by Dennis, Oz goes to the parlour looking for her...]

Uli: [On the phone] Wir erwarten Sie um drei Uhr? Bis dann. (Will three o'clock suit you? See you then.) [She puts the phone down, then notices Oz glaring at her]

Oz: So, it's true, eh?

Uli: How did you find me here?

Oz: Never mind, love. Get yer coat on, I wanna talk to you.

Uli: I cannot. Perhaps later.

Oz: Later?! I think the sooner the better, d'you not?

Kemal: [Entering the reception] Guten Abend.

Oz: Evenin'.

Kemal: Ah, you English! English are always welcome here.

Uli: The gentleman is not staying.

Kemal: Is that not so?

Oz: Apparently not. But listen, Uli, we've got to have a talk, an' there's things to be said, isn't there? Look, I'll be in the Tivoli tomorrow night, eh? [He leaves.]

Kemal: [Admonishes Uli in Turkish]

Uli: Das ist nicht. (It was nothing.)

Kemal: Nicht? Nicht?! (Nothing? Nothing?!) [He continues to shout at her in Turkish and hits her across the face.]

---

[Oz returns to the site and sees Uli's car...]

Oz: Uli? [Kemal gets out of the car] Oh, it's you.

Kemal: You English bastard! [Pulls a switchblade on Oz.]

[Oz runs, but Kemal chases after him. The Turks see Kemal and hold him off while Oz runs into his hut for cover. Oz shuts the door and grabs the table, sending cans of paint flying across the hut and paint spilling onto the floor. Oz and Bomber use the table to barricade the back door. The lads shout at Kemal from inside, while the Turks try to talk Kemal out of stabbing Oz. Eventually, Kemal and the Turks all start laughing and jeering.]

Oz: Ha ha ha(!) What are you bloody laughin' at?

[The Turks manage to convince Kemal to leave, much to the lads, and Oz's, bewilderment.]

Oz: He had a great big bloody knife, man. He was gonna try an' kill us!

Bomber: It was them saved your life, then.

Oz: What are ye talkin' aboot, man? He's one of them.

Dennis: Well, whatever he said, he's made them change their mind. I reckon you owe them a bit of an apology, the way you've been runnin' 'em down.

Barry: [Standing over the spilled paint] Oh, someone give us a cloth, will you?

Wayne: Fair dos, Oz. I reckon you ought to go 'round there in the morning and say thanks.

Oz: Oh, aye? Take 'em a bouquet of flowers, like, an' a little note? Listen, mate, one of them Abduls tries to stick a knife in me guts, right? Another one stops 'em. That makes it even-steven as far as I'm concerned, right? [Heads his locker where the paint has spilled]

Barry: Don't step in it! You're makin' it worse! [Oz slips and falls onto his bed, right onto an erotic painting Barry bought, ripping the canvas]

---

[On the site the following morning, the Turks point and laugh at Oz.]

Neville: They're at it again.

Dennis: Every time they see Oz it's a big joke. [Shouts down to the Turks] 'Ey! What's so funny, eh? [The Turks continue to laugh and jeer] Ho ho ho(!) [Confused, the lads climb down the ladder.] Oi... Here, here. Why you laugh at Oz?

Oz: Aye.

Turkish worker: This man saying, "Him taking my woman, I cutting him."

Oz: So? So what, like?

Dennis: What? You lads say what?

Turkish worker: I say, "No cutting him. He's our friend, working together", but he says, "No, him taking my woman. I cutting him." Very mad.

Oz: Very mad? You can say that again. He's off his bloody rocker!

Dennis: Shut up, man, Oz! So, how did you change his mind?

Turkish worker: I saying quick, "He's not taking your woman. We knowing this man. He's not taking any woman. He have nothing with women!"

Oz: What?

Turkish worker: We saying, "He nothing for woman, this man."

Oz: [To Dennis] What's he talkin' aboot? "Nothing for woman, this man."

Dennis: Very ingenious, aye!

Turkish worker: So he laugh and go away. [The Turks laugh and turn to carry on with their work, as do Dennis, Neville and Bomber.]

Oz: Hey, hey, Dennis? Here, what are they on aboot here?

Dennis: Oz, they saved your bacon.

Oz: Yeah, yeah, but how?

Dennis: [Chuckling] Said you were a poofter! [Everyone laughs, while Oz just looks confused and/or offended]

---

[At the Tivoli, Oz has a drink with Uli. She has bruises across her face.]

Oz: [Handing Uli a drink] You look like you could do with that.

Uli: Cheers.

Oz: Cheers. [They raise their glasses. Oz sees the extent of the bruises] He do that to you, did he?

Uli: [Nods] Yeah.

Oz: I'm not surprised. Bloody maniac. He come after me with a knife, yer know.

Uli: Yes, you told me.

Oz: Did he tell you about that the...

Uli: What the Turk said?

Oz: Aye. [Uli chuckles and nods] Yeah. Well, I suppose he were only trying to help, yer know. What a bloody cheek, though!

Uli: Well, I didn't tell him that I know better. Look, I'm sorry I lied to you. I want to explain. You were my only chance to get out, to go to England where he couldn't hurt me.

Oz: You must've been pretty desperate to pick a bloke like me.

Uli: You were nice, and kind.

Oz: Yeah, and rich?

Uli: Oh, no, that had nothing to do with it.

Oz: ...Really?

Uli: Well, of course.

Oz: 'Cos, er... it wasn't true, yer kna.

Uli: No?

Oz: Nah. Well, you weren't the only one that sort of made things out to be er, yer kna, a little bit different to what they were. Listen, I'm not any tycoon's son. My dad hasn't even got a business.

Uli: No?

Oz: Nah. My old man was a layabout and a drunk. He buggered off when I was a bairn. Last thing I saw of him was, er, huntin' around the house for a pair of socks, prior to pissing off to the Persian Gulf on an oil tanker. See... I spun that whole yarn just to try and impress you, yer kna. Kept it all going... just to keep you.

Uli: [Shocked] ...Well, I feel better that you also didn't tell the truth.

Oz: Well... you might as well know the lot. I'm married as well.

Uli: You're married?!

Oz: Officially. Only in England, mind. Yer kna... But I mean, you've got somebody as well, havvn't yer? I mean, you've got this Kemal bloke.

Uli: Yes, I have Kemal.

Oz: Look, Uli, I mean, the main thing is, you've got to give this bloke the elbow, haven't yer? You've gotta give him the heave-ho, the push, the shove... Leave the bugger! Yer know? I mean, try... Pack a bag and try a new town.

Uli: [Shaking her head] It's difficult.

Oz: I know, I know, but I thought maybes, yer kna, when this has all blown over I thought maybe we could pick it up where we left off.

Uli: Maybe, huh? But, you know, Kemal is a bad man, and I don't want any more trouble for you.

Oz: He'll not cause me any more trouble. He'll not cause you any more trouble either. He's only one man, yer kna.

Uli: Yes, but he has two brothers, and they're all bad people.

Oz: Yes, but I've got six mates, an' if we count the whole building site, that's nearly 100. I don't think the Kemal brothers'll wanna mess with that lot!

[At the parlour, Dennis, Moxey, Bomber and Wayne confront Kemal...]

Dennis: Being in the business, you know, it's easy for us to see how flimsy this construction is. [Pulls the blinds off the window] In't that right, lads?

Moxey: Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely Jerry-built.

Bomber: I could sneeze, it would fall down.

Dennis: What i'm sayin' is, y'see, we're just as good at demolition as we are at construction.

Kemal: [Takes his cigar out of his mouth] You are threatening me?

Bomber: Aye. That's the word.

Dennis: Listen. You lay one more finger on that girl, right... [Points to Bomber] ...and he'll hit you so hard your family'll feel it back in Istanbul!

Love and Other Four Letter Words

[In the site office, Dagmar gives her new assistant some work...]

Dagmar: Man will vier Kopien davon. Ich sage, wo man diese schicken muss. (Make four copies of this, and I'll tell you where to send them)

Dennis: [Entering the office] Hello.

Dagmar: [Taking off her glasses] Hello. [Introduces the assistant] Oh, Dennis, this is Christa. She has just come to work with us.

Dennis: Guten Tag, Frau Christa.

Christa: [Laughs] Guten Morgen.

Dagmar: Fräulein Christa.

Dennis: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Er... [Quiet] I was thinking about the weekend.

Dagmar: What about the weekend?

Dennis: Well...

Dagmar: It's all right. I don't think she speaks English.

Dennis: Oh, sure. I didn't want to compromise you, did I?

Dagmar: [Laughs] I think that already happened after our first weekend.

Dennis: Yeah, well, it's not common knowledge now, is it?

Dagmar: [Tuts] Come on. On this site? I should think by now it is history.

Dennis: Yeah, well, there's no panic, then, is there? I was just thinkin' that we might do somethin', might take off for the weekend. I've been puttin' in some overtime an' I'm flush, that's all.

Dagmar: Oh, that sounds very good. But I have to see about my mother.

Dennis: Well, er, have a think about it, okay?

Dagmar: Sure. [Dennis turns to leave] Oh, wait. The post. I think there is one for you here.

Dennis: That's all right. I'll just take them across.

Dagmar: All right. Thank you. [Dennis takes the post from Dagmar]

Dennis: Bye-bye, then. Wiedersehen. [Leaves the office.]

Christa: [To Dagmar] Erm... he is... your friend?

Dagmar: Oh, Sie sprechen doch Englisch? (Oh, so you do speak English, don't you?)

Christa: [Laughs] Enough.

---

[Lunch time. Neville joins Dennis on the scaffold.]

Neville: Any mail for me, Den?

Dennis: [Reading his letter] No. No, there's not, Neville.

Neville: I didn't expect none. I got a parcel from Brenda yesterday. She sent us a new jumper. Oh, and some of her sister's birthday cake. We'll have that later.

Dennis: Aye, smashing.

Neville: It's not bad news, is it?

Dennis: I don't know what to make of this, frankly.

Neville: How'd you mean?

Dennis: Well, it's from Vera. It says she wants to come out here.

Neville: Here?

Dennis: Aye. It says her sister's taking the bairns for the weekend and she could do with the break, and, er, "It would give us a chance to talk things over." What's she mean by that?

Neville: Aye... she probably wants to finalise things, like.

Dennis: Everything is finalised, man. The divorce has gone through. I dunno what there is to talk about. I mean, the solicitors did all the bloody talkin'. We didn't get a word in edgeways.

Neville: Well, like she says, it'll be a break for her.

Dennis: Well, if she wants a break, why doesn't her bloke take her somewhere, y'know? Eh? He's the one with the posh new car, good job...

Neville: Ah, he's a very busy man, though, Dennis. Probably can't find the time.

---

[Dennis is on the phone in the bar to Vera. She turns the television down.]

Vera: Dennis?

Dennis: Hi. Vera? Look, I've reversed the charges because it's such a nightmare with all them stacks of change.

Vera: So, are you all right?

Dennis: Yeah. How's the kids?

Vera: Ahh, they're fine. If I'd know you were gonna call, I'd have kept 'em up.

Dennis: Ah, well, don't keep 'em up, love.

Vera: I'll not now, I mean it's difficult enough as it is trying to get 'em up!

Dennis: How are ya, then?

Vera: I'm all right. Did you get me letter?

Dennis: 'Ey, what's this about you comin' out here?

Vera: Yes, well I thought it might be useful, you know, erm... I mean, I thought we could talk.

Dennis: Well, there doesn't seem much to talk about. The solicitors, they filled in all the blanks.

Vera: Yeah. I mean, I think that's the point, Dennis, you know? I think they took over. I mean, there was your lawyer and my lawyer and all these forms to fill in, statements to make...

Dennis: Yeah, well that's the way they work, isn'it? Know what I mean?

Vera: Absolutely, that's the point. I think that, in the middle of all that, somewhere you and I got lost, you know.

Dennis: That's how they make their money, love.

Vera: What?

Dennis: I said that's how they make their money.

Vera: I know, Dennis. Will you listen?

Dennis: Okay, pet, I'm listening. What?

Vera: I'm sayin' that I think that we got lost as people, as a couple. An' I think if I came out, we'd be away from all that pressure, all that procedure. I mean, we're still a family, aren't we?

Dennis: Are we?

Vera: Helen wants to take the kids up to the caravan in Seahouses.

Dennis: Yeah?

Vera: They could go to Bamburgh Castle and the Farne Islands, they'll have a whale of a time. It'd do them the world of good

Dennis: I agree, I agree, that's good for them, yeah.

Vera: Now, you sent us some extra.

Dennis: Well, I've been puttin' in some overtime, y'kna? It's the least I can do.

Vera: I really appreciate it. But I thought I could use that to fly out.

Dennis: What? D'you think it's worth havin' you fly all the way out here on your own?

Vera: Oh, Dennis, pet, please. Don't make it hard.

Dennis: Well, okay. All right, if... if that's what you want.

[Dennis finishes his conversation and joins Bomber at the bar]

Bomber: I got you one on.

Dennis: Cheers, Bomb. I reckon I could use one.

Bomber: Everything all right?

Dennis: Eh... you tell me, Bomber. You tell me.

---

[Bomber and Dennis walk through the site back to the hut.]

Bomber: It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.

Dennis: Aye, in the dole queue, eh?

Bomber: Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?

Dennis: I think I did, aye.

Bomber: Was it what I thought it was?

Dennis: I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?

[In the hut, the others have just had some chocolate cake sent by Brenda]

Wayne: [Standing] The toast is Brenda.

Barry: [As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.

Neville: And Brenda's sister.

Barry: Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.

Oz: Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.

Moxey: It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]

Oz: [Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?

Wayne: Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]

Oz: How now, Dennis!

Neville: [Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.

Wayne: Get stuck in, mate.

Neville: Some cake Brenda sent.

Bomber: That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.

Neville: There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.

Dennis: Why?

Neville: I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.

Dennis: [As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.

Bomber: Me too.

Neville: Why?

Oz: What for?

Barry: A spiffing bit of cake, that is!

Oz: I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]

Dennis: Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.

Oz: [With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?

Dennis: We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?

Bomber: Couldn't miss him.

Oz: Who, man?

Dennis: I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.

---

[Dagmar and Christa arrive at the site office. Oz has left some flowers in the office...]

Christa: Oh! Für wen sind die, denn? (Oh! Who are those for?)

Dagmar: Ist da eine Karte dabei? (Is there a card with it?)

Christa: Ja... Oh, es ist auf Englisch. (Yeah... Oh, it's in English.)

Dagmar: Hmm... [Reads the card] "To Yvette, from someone who has waited a long time."

Christa: [Laughs] Wass? (What?)

Dagmar: [Translating for Christa] "Fur Yvette, von jemandem, der schon seit langem warten."

Christa: [Confused] Wo ist denn Yvette? (Where's this Yvette?)

---

[Oz confronts Moxey, who told Oz that the new girl, Christa, was "Yvette" from his dream...]

Moxey: No, Oz! It wasn't my fault!

Barry: Don't hurt him, Oz!

Oz: [Pinning Moxey up against the wall, still covered in wet plaster] You won't take nowt serious, will yer? You, eh? Yer always pullin' some stunt or other!

Moxey: Oz, it was Dennis, honest!

Oz: Dennis? Dennis is too straight up to play funny buggers!

Barry: Oz! Oz, it was a genuine mistake. It was a genuine mistake, really. [Oz flings wet plaster over Moxey's head] Look, Moxey's not malicious, is he? He's naive, right, but not malicilous.

Moxey: [Getting up] Yeah. Right.

Barry: See? Just a genuine mistake, that's all.

Oz: [Turning on Barry] Well, so much for your bloody kismet, or whatever the hell you call it!

Barry: It's not my fault she weren't called Yvette, is it?

Oz: I feel a right berk now, though.

Moxey: 'Ey, Oz.

Oz: What?

Moxey: Yvette... Christa, Kismet, whatever her bloody name is... I mean, what's the difference? What's in a name?

Barry: Aye. I mean, she may not be preordained from another life, Oz, but she ain't half got lovely bosoms.

---

[Wayne finds Oz, who has reclaimed his flowers...]

Wayne: Hello, Oz. Who bought you them, then? [Chuckles]

Oz: Get stuffed.

Wayne: Oh, charming. Charming(!) No, seriously, though, what are they for?

Oz: Nowt. Money down the drain, man.

Wayne: You bought 'em for someone?

Oz: It's none of your business why I bought 'em!

Wayne: Yeah, all right! All right! I'm not trying to needle you.

Oz: Nah? You'd better not, neither, right? I've had a right bellyful today! [They walk towards]

Wayne: Hey, what are you gonna do with 'em?

Oz: I dunno. Sling 'em, I suppose.

Wayne: I'll take 'em off you.

Oz: How much?

Wayne: How much did you pay for 'em?

Oz: Fifteen quid.

Wayne: I'll give you half.

Oz: Half?! They're only two hours old, man.

Wayne: Yeah, but they're still second-hand, eh? I mean, there's not much demand for second-hand flowers, is there?

Oz: They're as good as new, look.

Wayne: They're wilting. Oh yeah, you should've put 'em in water, son, otherwise they wilt. Look at the petals. Definitely wilting.

Oz: Are they?

Wayne: Yeah. Well past their prime, sunbeam. I think £5 is a bit over-generous, really.

Oz: It was £7.50 at the bricks!

Wayne: Oh yeah, but they're wilting by the second, ain't they? I mean, the price goes down, son, even as we speak.

---

[Having bought the flowers from Oz, Wayne heads to the site office.]

Wayne: [Presenting the flowers to Christa] I'd like you to have these.

Dagmar: [On the phone as she watches] Es ist Ihnen ein kleiner Fehler mit Ihrer Buchhaltung unterlaufen. (You've made a small mistake in your accounting.)

Christa: Für mich? (For me?) And... it's not for Yvette, ja?

Wayne: Eh? No, no... they're for you... from me.

Dagmar: Now, Wayne, what is going on? Who do these flowers belong to?

Wayne: [Totally smitten] To her. As does my heart.

---

[At the end of the day, Wayne waits outside the office for Christa.]

Dagmar: [Looking out of the window] Ich glaube, da wartet jemand auf Sie. (I think there's someone waiting for you.)

Christa: Ach, was soll ich denn jetzt machen? (Oh, what do I do now?) [She sighs as she takes the flowers] Men...

Dagmar: Sie können sich für die Blumen bedanken. (You could say "thank you" for the flowers.) [They leave the office. Dagmar locks up.] Alles klar. (All right.)

Christa: Wiedersehen. (Goodbye.)

Dagmar: Tschüss. Bis Morgen. Schönen Abend noch. (Bye. See you tomorrow. Have a nice evening.)

[Christa walks to her car, she is approached by Wayne]

Wayne: Hello. I was just passing.

Christa: Erm... Why you buy for me these?

Wayne: Why did I buy..? I just felt like it. Y'know, impulse.

Christa: Thank you so much, ja? [Turns and approaches her car, but Wayne follows her] Um... They're very lovely.

Wayne: It's no more than you deserve, is it, eh?

Christa: There were other flowers much like these... from Oz, I think his name.

Wayne: Really? What a coincidence, eh? Look, my name's, um... Wayne.

Christa: [Chuckles] I know. [Wayne opens Christa's car door; she puts the flowers on the front passenger seat] Thank you very much.

Wayne: My pleasure, love.

Christa: Er... you Englisch... you live there, ja?

Wayne: Yeah, in the hut. Yeah. We call it the Stalag.

Christa: Wie bitte? (I beg your pardon?)

Wayne: Stalag. 'Cos it's like a prisoner of war camp, y'know.

Christa: Oh! It's... nice camp, ja?

Wayne: Nice? It's not exactly the Hilton, love, but it's okay, y'know. Just one of the hardships we have to endure to stay in your wonderful country.

Christa: Er... show me.

Wayne: You what?

Christa: Ja. [She closes the car door] Show me. [Heads towards the lads' hut]

Wayne: [Giving chase] Look, it's a bit basic, love. I mean, it's got old socks and crisps and things in it, you know! I really don't think you'd like it that much!

[Oz, Dennis and Moxey are nearby...]

Barry: Here, Oz. Isn't that Wayne with your bird there?

Oz: She's not my bird, man. Not since I found out that she isn't who she wasn't.

Moxey: Still very tasty though, ain't she?

Barry: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, when Wayne gets his evil hands on her, mate...

Oz: Eh? [They give chase, watching from a distance. They see Wayne and Christa enter the hut.] What's he up to?

[Inside the hut...]

Wayne: [As Christa takes in the grim reality of how the lads live] Well... I did warn you, love.

Christa: It's, erm... like army.

Wayne: Or like prison.

[Oz, Barry and Moxey approach the hut, when they hear Christa scream. They run towards the hut.]

Christa: [Standing on Wayne's bed, hysterical] No, no!

Wayne: [Also standing up] Don't worry, love. [Christa falls onto the bed] Get... stand up! [Oz enters]

Oz: You dirty bastard!

Wayne: No, look, you don't understand! You don't understand... [Oz picks Wayne up by the back of his jacket and throws him out of the hut, face first into a muddy puddle.]

Christa: [Hysterical] He bite me, he bite me!

Oz: Calm down, pet. I've taken care of that dirty little turd.

Barry: [Enterting the hut with Moxey] What's the matter, miss? Did Wayne try to ravish you, miss?

Christa: No, there... there is a rat. [That puts Barry and Moxey back on edge!]

---

[The following day, Vera arrives in Düsseldorf, and after they spend the day in the city, Dennis introduces her to Dagmar. It's clear Vera wasn't happy to see her. Dennis goes to her hotel room...]

Dennis: Okay, out with it. What's the matter?

Vera: Nothing.

Dennis: Look, that was an excellent restaurant, that' You hardly ate a thing, you said even less.

Vera: I'm not feeling very well. Must've been the flight. You know I don't like flying. Anyway, you and Dagmar could have stayed.

Dennis: Oh, of course we couldn't have stayed.

Vera: Don't you normally stay with her?

Dennis: What's that remark supposed to mean?

Vera: Just drop it, Dennis.

Dennis: No, I won't!

Vera: I'm tired.

Dennis: You're upset. You're upset because I brought Dagmar.

Vera: Yes! I'm upset because you brought Dagmar! Sometimes you can be...

Dennis: I can be what?

Vera: You can be really insensitive about how other people feel. You get an idea in your head, and you've got to see it through...

Dennis: Look...

Vera: But you don't always think it through!

Dennis: Listen, I know what's goin' in your life, right? I want you to know the same about me. I just want you to know the way things are.

Vera: You don't know the way things are.

Dennis: Oh, really? Come on, inform me, then!

Vera: Don't get angry!

Dennis: I'm not gettin' angry, man! Confused, maybe.

Vera: Look... I didn't come over here to sort things out. I could've done that on the phone. I came over here because our divorce isn't final yet.

Dennis: I know it's not.

Vera: Well, I'm not sure I want it to be.

Dennis: Now, look, just wait a minute. This divorce was your idea, if I remember correctly.

Vera: I know it was. And I know it hurt you. Well, it hurt your pride, anyway. And there were good reasons for splitting up. Very good reasons. But... [Sighs] Oh, I don't want to go through all that again.

Dennis: Well, Vera... I wish I knew what you did want.

Vera: ...I don't want a divorce. I want you to come home.

Dennis: Oh, bloody hell. [There's an awkward silence.]

Vera: Fancy a drink? I got some duty-free gin on the plane. There are some glasses in the bathroom. [Dennis heads into the bathroom]

---

[After his disastrous night, Dennis returns to the bar, drinking Scotch. Wayne enters after his date with Christa...]

Wayne: [To the barman] A large cognac, please, chief. [Notices Dennis] Hello, Den. What are you doin' here?

Dennis: Nightcap.

Wayne: Yeah? Me too. D'you want another?

Dennis: Scotch, please.

Wayne: [To the barman] That's a large Scotch too, please, squire. [To Dennis] I thought you were stayin' out all night.

Dennis: No, I changed me mind. [Wayne goes over to Dennis. The barman puts their drinks on the bar]

Wayne: Things not work out with, er, Dagmar and your old lady, then?

Dennis: [Shakes his head] I thought I was just being above board, yer kna, straight and honest. Vera said I was showin' off.

Wayne: Showin' off?

Dennis: Showin' off Dagmar. I mean, she's a smart lass, isn't she? Attractive and honest. I dunno, that's probably what I was doin'. [Coughs]

Wayne: Well, she is rather special, that Dagmar, ain't she? Mind you, so is her mate.

Dennis: Christa? Hey, you an' me've... collared the clerical staff, havvn't we? Eh?

Wayne: I wish I had, Den.

Dennis: No? Things not work out, like?

Wayne: She wouldn't let me get near her, would she? Mind you, I didn't want to, y'know. No, I didn't want to sort of come on strong and jump it, like.

Dennis: Hey, you're slippin', aren't yer?

Wayne: I'm smitten, Den. Now listen, don't tell the lads, right? Now, I can confide in you, can't I? Now I know you've probably got your own problems and all that, but I can bend your ear a bit, can't I?

Dennis: Just carry on, bonny lad, I havvn't a care in the world, me(!)

Wayne: Yeah, well, look, I'm serious about this Christa, right. I know it's madness, but I'm really bowled over. Now, don't tell the lads, eh?

Dennis: My lips are sealed, all right?

Wayne: I get embarrased just thinking about it, you know? "It'll never happen to me," I said. It bloody has, ain't it?

Dennis: Hey... you really are serious, aren't yer?

Wayne: I'm deadly serious, Den. Of course, er, never having been in this situation before, it's pretty hard to be certain about the symptoms. [Dennis chuckles] But I think... well, listen, I'm positive, sunbeam, that this is it. It's devastating, mate. Devastating.

Dennis: Ahh, it's not the end of the world, that, man. Go for it!

Wayne: Yeah, but I can't fathom it, can I? And the trouble is, we're shipping out in a week or two, ain't we?

Dennis: So?

Wayne: So I've gotta decide whether to go home or chance me arm here, ain't I?

Dennis: Yeah, you're not the only one that's gotta make that decision.

Wayne: You too?

Dennis: [Nods his head] Mmm-hmm.

Wayne: You mean home or Dagmar?

Dennis: [Shakes his head] I mean Vera or Dagmar.

Wayne: [Exhales] Blimey, Dennis. What are we gonna do?

Dennis: Well, I was about to get pissed. You care to join me? [They chuckle]

When the Boat Goes Out

[Herr Grunwald has called the lads into his office for a meeting]

Grunwald: Well, gentlemen, as you probably know there have been one or two changes in the Federal Government's attitude to Gastarbeiter - visiting workers. This is because of increasing unemployment here in West Germany. Oh yes, we have it too.

Bomber: Yes, but ours is bigger than yours! [The others laugh]

Grunwald: So, we have had to look at ways of keeping more jobs for our own people. Up until now, you have worked here without paying tax or insurance, and that has been very convenient for all of us, ja? But, from next Monday, if you wish to stay and work here in Germany, you will have to apply for official registration and be issued with a license.

Oz: Ere, does that mean we gotta give up our British nationality? 'Cos I'm buggered if I'm becoming a German!

Grunwald: No no no, you do not understand. As members of the EEC you have the right to work here, but from now you must accept your financial obligations to the German state.

Oz: Well... can we not just graft here and then send wor tax home?

Neville: Don't be ridiculous, Oz!

Oz: I'm not being ridiculous! I just think it's a bit strong that we give Germany all our skill and labour, and now it's tryin' ta issue us with dog licenses and take what little pittance of money we earn off wor!

Neville: Just ignore him, Herr Grunwald.

Grunwald: So... if you could let me know as soon as possible if you wish to stay or not, we can get on with the paperwork.

Neville: I can let you know straight away, Herr Grunwald. I'm goin' back to England.

Bomber: Me too, Herr Grunwald. Family calls.

Grunwald: I shall be sorry to see both of you go. Anyone else?

Barry: ...Well, personally, I... I'm not quite sure yet, Herr Grunwald.

Moxey: No, er, me neither.

Grunwald: [turns to Wayne and Dennis] And what about you, Mr. Patterson? [Dagmar looks through into Grunwald's office at Dennis. Oz turns to Dennis]

Dennis: I haven't decided yet, Herr Grunwald.

Grunwald: Well, it looks as if no-one will be staying, ja?

Dennis: I wouldn't be too sure about that, Herr Grunwald. [Referring to Wayne, who has been exchanging glances with Christa in the other office the entire meeting]

---

[In the pub after their meeting with Herr Grunwald]

Oz: Well, this is a right puzzler, this one. I don't wanna go back home, but I don't really wanna stop here working in Germany, especially if I'm just gonna be workin' with Germans.

Moxey: I thought you had a wife and a kid though, Oz.

Bomber: Aye, and that's why he doesn't want to go back!

Oz: [Nods in agreement] True, true. What about you, Moxey? You'll stop here with us, won't ya?

Moxey: Ah, as much as I like it, Oz, I can't say I relish the idea of paying tax, like. I mean, when you think about the squallid lifestyle that we lead at the moment, it's gonna be even worse with less money.

Bomber: Sounds like another boy Blighty-bound to me!

Moxey: No way, Bomb. There's even less chance of that happening.

Oz: How's that, like?

Moxey: I've got a record, haven't I? I was in the nick for two years 'fore I come out here.

Oz: Yeah?

Moxey: This was supposed to be me fresh start in life.

Oz: Ahhh, what did you get locked up for, eh?

Moxey: Arson.

Oz: [Shocked] Arson?!

Moxey: Yeah, I know! I didn't wanna tell you blokes, you know, in case you got worried, like, you know, about bein' in the same hut as me, like. Guess it don't matter now, though.

Oz: [Still shocked] Arson, eh? And you don't even smoke!

Bomber: And how's that come about, Mox?

Moxey: I was workin' on this building site, you know, back in Liverpool. Bastard site manager, had it in for us, like, kept dockin' my wages for no reason! And one day, you know, I just lost me rag. I set fire to his hut.

Oz: What, was he still in it?

Moxey: Not for long, no. [Bomber chuckles] So there you go, record for arson. Dodge City address.

Oz: Where?

Moxey: Kirkby. I reckon me chances on Merseyside are even worse than Everton's!

Bomber: I see what you mean.

Oz: Well... [Slams his palm on the bar] Stop on, Moxey. That's the only thing you can do, really.

Moxey: Yeah, I know, Oz, but, y'know once they get me name down on their forms and their files, it'll only be a matter of time before they find out about me past.

[Dennis enters the bar. He goes to the other end of the bar from the lads.]

Oz: Hey, Dennis? You'll never guess what? Moxey's an arsonist!

Dennis: [To the barman, completely ignoring Oz] Schnapps. [The barman brings the bottle over] Just leave the bottle. [He does so.]

---

Barry: You know something, Wayne, there's a real serenity and wisdom about you these days, you know.

Wayne: Well it's the power of love, isn't it, Barry?

Barry: I suppose it is, yeah... What's it feel like? Love, I mean, being in love. Well, I don't really sparkle in the that department, see, between you and me, or in the adjacent one either! I'm the sort of bloke who looks at the three-year expiry date of a packet of johnnies and wonders if he'll ever use them in time!

Wayne: Hey, come on. Your time will come, mate, and you'll know when it hits you, I'm telling ya!

Barry: Yeah... What's it feel like? [Quieter] What's it feel like?

Wayne: Love is... love is sitting in a hut on a German building site, carving two names into a plank of wood without feeling a prat about it.

---

[Neville joins the others at the bar, still fretting about his "Neville & Lotte" tattoo...]

Neville: How's about if I contributed to a German heart disease charity fund, and instead of one of them little flags for me lapel, they put this tattoo on me arm?

Moxey: Oh, very ingenious, that.

Oz: Even Brenda would see through that fairytale, man!

Neville: [Eyeing up Dennis downing the schnapps] I bet Dennis could come up with summat.

Dennis: [In a drunken stupor] Not a chance.

Moxey: What's got into 'im?

Bomber: I dunno, but he's certainly taken hold.

Oz: I'll have a word with 'im, he'll talk to me...

Dennis: [Shouting] Just stop right where you are, Oz!

Bomber: Come on, Den. We're your mates. Whatever it is, share it with us.

Dennis: Aye, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, eh? Aye, that was one of Vera's favourite sayings, that was.

Neville: Come on, Den. Snap out of it, man.

Dennis: [Snapping] "Snap out of it?!" Will you listen to this lad, eh? Have you lot had any idea what it's like bein' kicked out of a marriage? It's like bein' asked to take down all those walls we've been buildin' brick by brick wi' yer bare hands. Imagine what that feels like, yeah? Aye, then imagine what it would be like if they came along and said, "Right, now put 'em all back up again."

Bomber: We can help you, Den.

Dennis: Thanks for the offer, Bomber, but you can't. I help you with your problems. Doesn't work the other way 'round. That's how it is! So all of you just, er... [Puts some money on the bar and takes the bottle of schnapps he's been drinking from and starts to leave the bar] ...just do me the only favour you can, will you, eh? Just leave me alone!

---

[Two German workers approach Dagmar and Christa as they go to their office]

German worker: Meine Damen, hätten Sie Lust was zu trinken, heute Abend? (Ladies, would you like to come out for a drink tonight?)

Dagmar: Nein. Wir haben schon was anderes vor. (No. We've already made plans.)

German worker: [Blocks the door] Aber, komm schon. Ich beisse nicht. (Come on, I don't bite!)

Christa: Nein, wirklich nichts. (No, really nothing.) [Christa enters the office.]

German worker: Ja, ja. Zu beschäftigt mit den verdammten Engländern. (Yeah, yeah. Too busy with the bloody English!)

---

[Wayne goes into the site office with his wooden plaque, made from a piece of skirting board with his and Christa's names carved into it along with a pair of love hearts modelled on Neville's tattoo...]

Wayne: Morning, ladies!

Christa: Hello, Wayne.

Dagmar: Good morning, Wayne.

Wayne: Erm... I brought you a little something.

Christa: Oh... [Wayne presents her with the plaque] Oh, Wayne, it's beautiful. You made it yourself, ja?

Wayne: Well, y'know, on my union card it says "joiner", but I'm a sculptor, really.

Christa Oh, er... Dagmar, look. Erm... Wayne has made me a paperweight!

Dagmar: Very nice.

Wayne: No. No, no, it's not a paperweight. It's a plaque, ain't it? Y'know, you're supposed to put it on the wall like, y'know... [Puts it atop the first aid cabinet] ...above your bed, like.

Christa: Oh, of course. Erm... it will look very nice there.

Wayne: That's all right, then, ain't it? Erm, I wanna fill in one of those forms as well, if you'd give us a hand.

Christa: Which forms?

Wayne: The, erm... work permits, whatever you call them.

Christa: [Getting up] You're staying?

Wayne: Yeah. About the only one who is, by the look of it. [Dagmar turns around] Course, erm... a couple of lads haven't quite made their minds up yet, y'know.

Christa: [Getting the forms] You want me to, erm... to write this for you, ja?

Wayne: Yeah, please, if you would, love. My German never got past Donner and Blitzen.

Christa: [Laughs] Okay. [Grabs a pen] Please, your full name.

Wayne: Look, you do know why I'm doing this, don't you?

Christa: [Smiles back at Wayne] I think I can guess.

Wayne: Right... It's Wayne Winston Norris.

---

[It's the end of the working day. Everyone except Dennis convenes in the hut.]

Oz: Oh, 'ey! What a day. I'm shattered [Flings his tools into storage]

Bomber: Wayne signed on, then, Oz.

Wayne: Yeah.

Oz: Gotta put up wi' you, have I?

Wayne: Oh, cheers. It's his charm that knocks me out, you know(!)

Oz: Pour us a cup of tea, Nev.

Neville: Oh, aye! [Heads to the stove]

Moxey: You know what, Nev? He's gettin' really bossy these days, in't he?

Neville: Aye, I reckon it's Barry's Planet of the Apes theory has gone to his heid. [Carries the kettle to the table while flailing his arms like a monkey]

Oz: Howay, man, just pour the tea.

Wayne: Yeah, of course, the advantage of being a chippie is you don't have to work in the hot sun all day, y'know.

Oz: I blame Barry for all this palaver, yer kna. He's got us all convinced that we're missing Dennis's "leadership".

Wayne: Yeah, yeah. Look, come on. What are we gonna do about him, eh? I mean, we've all leant on him enough for the past six months. It's time we gave the poor sod a hand.

Neville: Well that's just the trouble. He'll not let us.

Oz: Maybe it's his pride, eh?

Moxey: M-maybe he just don't trust us.

[Dennis enters the hut. The lads fall silent as he puts his tools in storage and grabs his towel. Before leaving the hut, he turns to the lads...]

Dennis: Just to avoid any more embarrasing scenes, I, er... shan't be goin' over the club tonight. I'm goin' down to town to get legless. So you lot will be safe where you are. [Leaves the hut]

Oz: I reckon instead of examining our behaviour, Professor bloody Barry should have a look at him! I've never seen a man so withdrawn. He's nae thought for his mates...

Neville Oh, aye? Maybe you should pool your knowledge of budgies with Barry's knowledge of chimps! Between yer, you might find a solution.

Oz: There's nae need for that, Nev, I'm just tryin tae...

Neville: Oh, isn't there? Seems to me you couldn't care less about Dennis!

Oz: I could, I could.

Neville: Oh aye?

Oz: All right, all right. I'll prove it, then. [Gets up and leaves the hut to follow Dennis downtown...]

---

[Dennis has gone into a Bierkeller in town, where he is spotted by a familiar face...]

Magowan: Oi, Geordie! Alone, are ya?

Dennis: What are you doin' here, Magowan?

Magowan: Same thing as you by the looks of it - getting pissed. [Points to the man sat next to Dennis] Hey, you, geh' weg. (Get lost.)

German drinker: Komm?

Magowan: Geh' weg! [Pulls the German drinker out of his seat and sits in his spot]

Dennis: [Surly] Join me, why don't you?!

Magowan: Thanks.

Dennis: So I thought you were out of the country, avoiding the law.

Magowan: Naah, I'm not lettin' any poxy German court kick me out of town, you know. Thought I'd just lie low for a couple of days, avoid the construction sites, like, you know. I might be a marked man, like.

Dennis: That's a reasonable assumption in the circumstances. So what you doin' for Deutschmarks then, eh? Couldn't have got much for our dartboard!

Magowan: Ahh, I'm sorry about that. Eh, I left the darts though, didn't I?!

[Oz enters the bierkeller looking for Dennis. Meanwhile, a barman puts two beers on Dennis and Magowan's table from a tray full of beers]

Magowan: Oh ya, stupid Eric, leave the tray here, will ya? [Takes the tray off the barman] Just, you know, put it on the old slate there, will ya? D'you understand? [The barman writes a note and leaves it with Magowan. The German workers spot Dennis.] This should do us for a while, eh?

Oz: [Oz enters and spots Dennis and Magowan] Bloody hell! Magowan? [Magowan finishes his first beer in one]

Dennis: Another one? Good thing I drink with you, Magowan, eh? You get good service! [Oz turns away so he is not spotted] So what are you actually doing, then?

Magowan: I'm workin' as a bouncer, you know, at this gay nightclub. Any of them Ericas get out of order, you know, I have to...

Dennis: Drag them?

Magowan: Yeah, that's right, drag them down the stairs, you know, kick 'em into the alley.

Dennis: Aye, is it voluntary work, like?

Magowan: Twenty quid a night, like, and all I can drink.

Dennis: It must cost 'em nearly a hundred pound a night then, eh?

Magowan: Listen, Geordie, I'm only drinkin' with you 'cos you're a Brit. Don't take the piss, okay? Otherwise I'd treat you just the same as I do with the customers.

Dennis: Oh, they get customers, do they?! I'm surprised you haven't frightened them all off!

Magowan: Right. [Points to the tray of beers] As soon as I've finished this lot, I'm gonna give you a thumping.

Dennis: Ah thump, thump, thump away! What do I care, Magowan?

Magowan: You're tired of life, aren't ya?

Dennis: Aye, you could say that! [The German workers approach Dennis]

German worker: Ahh, du bumst für die Dagmar, nicht? [Dennis looks up] Also, ist es dir recht wenn wir sie besuchen gehen? (Ahh, you're the one fucking Dagmar, are you? So is it okay if we go visit her?)

Magowan: Sounds like a couple of Erics asking for trouble, if you ask me.

Dennis: Just stay out of this, Magowan, I'll handle this. Nicht verstehen, bonny lad! (I don't understand.)

German worker: [Gets in Dennis's face] Go home with your wife. We will have Dagmar.

Magowan: Sounds like he's provoking you. D'you want me to sort him out for ya?

Dennis: You just stay out of this, Magowan, I'll handle this.

Magowan: You're not hard enough for this.

Dennis: Aren't I? [Punches the German worker]

Magowan: Eh, not bad. [A nearby German drinker smashes his glass and goes for Dennis. Oz spots him.]

Oz: Dennis! Dennis! [Runs to confront the would-be attacker in what has now turned into a bar brawl]

---

[Neville runs into the hospital, where he finds Dennis stood outside Oz's room, his shirt covered in blood and his face covered in bruises. They look in. Oz is in a bad way.]

Dennis: It's a bit of a choker, isn'it?

Neville: Is he gonna be all right?

Dennis: Aye. They've just sedated him. Had to give him a blood transfusion. Over two litres. It's a good job the ambulance got there so quick.

Neville: What happened, for God's sake?

Dennis: Oh, there was a bit of a rumble in this Bierkeller with some German lads. Magowan turned up. Oz got his arm slashed with a beer glass.

Neville: Magowan. I might have known! That man could start a fight in an empty house! An' Oz isn't far behind!

Dennis: You've got it wrong, Neville. It's my fault. I started all the trouble.

Neville: You did?

Dennis: Aye.

[The doctor treating Oz comes into the corridor.]

Dennis: Doctor, this is one of Mr. Osbourne's colleagues, Neville Hope.

Doctor: Hello. [Neville shakes her hand]

Neville: How do you do, Doctor?

Doctor: Your friend is a very lucky man.

Neville: Aye, I know. We're very grateful for what you've done.

Doctor: Don't thank me for doing my job, Mr. Hope. [She goes into Oz's room] Guten Abend. Ist alles gut? (Good evening. All is well?)

Nurse: Alles gut. (All good.)

Doctor: I just wish you men could settle arguments without resorting to violence.

Neville: This isn't typical, Doctor.

Doctor: I see a lot of people injured in stupid drunken fights about football or women.

Dennis: Yeah... is he going to be all right, then?

Doctor: Oh, yes. He's lost a lot of blood, but that's been replaced. I've given him a sedative to help him rest. And, er... fortunately the wound isn't too large. He'll have a scar, of course. But, if he wishes, that can be put right.

Neville: Put right?

Doctor: [As they leave Oz's room] Yes. Cosmetic surgery, skin graft, whatever.

Neville: Oh, I hope you don't mind me askin', Doctor, but while you're here, is there anything I can do about this? [Takes off his coat]

Dennis: Look, Neville, I don't think this is the right place or time.

Neville: Oz won't mind, Dennis. And I've gotta do somethin' aboot it. [Rolls up his sleeve to show the doctor his tattoo]

Doctor [Glancing briefly at the tattoo] Who is Lotte?

Neville: I don't know. But it's not the wife. That's just the trouble.

Doctor: So... this is an unwanted souvenir of your time in Germany.

Neville: Very much unwanted. I've already lied to the wife once about it. I bandaged it up and told her it was an injury. I cannae keep doin' that all me life, can I? [The doctor just looks at Neville.]

---

[Back at the bar, the others wait on news of Oz...]

Bomber: Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.

Wayne: Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?

Barry: Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?

Moxey: Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.

Bomber: [Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.

Wayne: 'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?

Neville: Couldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]

Wayne: Oh, poor old Oz.

Barry: Don't believe it.

Neville: Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.

Wayne: 'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!

Barry: Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?

Neville: I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.

Moxey: Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?

Neville: Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.

Wayne: Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm off, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?

Neville: Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.

Bomber: But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?

Dennis: [Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]

Bomber: Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]

Neville: Aye, come on, Dennis.

Barry: Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.

---

[At the hut, Neville, Wayne, Bomber and Moxey are round the table. Neville covers the tattoo with a plaster]

Wayne: Oh yeah? So what's this then, eh? Plan 349? [Chuckles] I thought you were gonna level with Brenda.

Neville: I am, I am! Just wanna do it in me own time. Don't wanna spoil me homecoming, do I?

[The door opens. Barry starts bringing his motorbike into the hut]

Wayne: Hello? Anyone expecting a telegram? [Laughs]

Barry: [Struggling] Oh, no, don't give me a hand, anybody, will you(?) No, no, it's alright... [Sets off the horn on his bike with his gut] I'll just bloody rupture meself, that's all!

Moxey: What's the score then, Barry? Into motocross? [The lads laugh. Barry doesn't as he sets the bike in the middle of the hut.]

Barry: Old Faithful here's gonna get me to Jeddah, ain't she? So I think I'd better give her a complete service before I set off.

Neville: You're not ridin' that all the way to Saudi Arabia?!

Barry: Nah, nah. I thought I might run alongside it, ya nerk(!)

Wayne: 'Ere, hold on, Barry. This is all a bit previous, ain't it? I mean it's alright for you lot, you can all go your separate ways at the weekend, right? But this is still my home. I know it's the pits, but I don't want it turned into the pits. Know what I mean?

Barry: Don't worry, I'll be tidy. I used to be able to build whole Meccano sets on a tea tray, y'know, without losing one single piece, yeah?

Wayne: [Gets up and gets a tea-tray from atop a cupboard] If so much as one nut or bolt strays off this tray, son, it's on yer bike! [Flings the tray at Barry, who catches it.]

---

[Back at the hospital, Dennis enters Oz's room with a bunch of flowers...]

Oz: [Taking off some headphones] Oh how, Den. Nice to see you, mate.

Dennis: How ya doin', kidda?

Oz: I'm all reet, yer kna, I'm just a bit bored with this German hospital radio. Just sounds like interference, like "spulnken, korten... schlieten..."

Dennis: I've, er, brought yer a little somethin'. [Presents the flowers to Oz]

Oz: What? Flowers?!

Dennis: No, man. Look, look inside, man. [He opens the wrapping and reveals a can of beer inside.]

Oz: I dunno...

Dennis: I had, er... had a bit of problem gettin' it in with that lady doctor, yer kna. [Looks out of the window in the door] I think she's got a bit of a downer on the drink, like.

Oz: So have I after what happened last night. Speakin' aboot which, what exactly did happen last night?

Dennis: [Pulling up a chair beside Oz and sitting down] Well, er... how much d'you remember?

Oz: Er... well, let's see, I remember that German with the glass.

Dennis: Aye.

Oz: Bastard. And I remember the ambulance... and that's it, really, the rest is a blur. I woke up in here this mornin', I thought I'd painted the hut!

Dennis: Ah, see, you passed out in the ambulance. Loss of blood, see. Hey, you're a lucky lad, you are.

Oz: [Scoffs] "Lucky"? Me? If I had eight score draws I'd lose me bloody coupon! Yer kna what this is ganna mean, I've lost me money from work, I'm ganna get a whackin' great hospital bill when I get out...

Dennis: Ah, look, look... Don't worry about that, right? I'll take care of all that. In the circumstances, it's the least I can do.

Oz: Oh, bollocks. I'm not gettin' at you, Den. I mean, you would've done the same for me, wouldn't you? I mean, that's what mates are for, aren't they? I mean, money doesn't come into it, mate.

Dennis: Well, one good thing did come out of last night, apart from me gettin' shaken up, like.

Oz: What's that?

Dennis: Magowan's back behind bars! Aye, he was dismemberin' those two Erics when the police got there, so they collared him for the whole incident. You an' me's just down as innocent bystanders

Oz: ...Oh! Well, uh... [Glances over at the beer] Well in that case, I'll have a little celeb... go on then, open it, I'm chokin' for a pint!

Dennis: Ah, good lad! You'll do, Oz! [Grabs the beer, heads over to the window and looks again before opening the beer and holding it for Oz to grab] Not bad for a lad who's just had a blood transfusion, eh?

Oz: [Shoves Dennis's hand away] What are yer talkin' 'boot, "blood transfusion"!?

Dennis: Why-aye, man, they' had to give yer nearly four pints of, er...

Oz: [Distraught] Are you tellin' me there's four pints of German blood swillin' aboot inside o' me?!

Dennis: Well, I'm only surmisin' it was German.

Oz: Oh man! You know what this means, don't yer? I'm half bloody German now, man!

Dennis: Nah, they've probably got a special English tank, man. Put aside for emergencies.

Oz: Ah, bollocks!

Neville: [Entering Oz's room with some English newspapers] Alright, Oz? How you feelin', mate?

Oz: [Despairing] Bloody suicidal at the moment!

Dennis: [Noticing the plaster] Neville, I thought you were under strict instructions to cover that up!

Neville: [Confused] Cover what up?

Dennis: Oh, it's no good playin' dumb now, man, Neville, he's noticed the plaster! You see, Oz, according to medical ethics, blood donors are supposed to remain anonymous, but I mean, there's no point now. I mean, yer might've worn a smaller plaster, Neville!

Oz: What? D'yer mean Neville give..?

Dennis: Aye, it was Neville!

Neville: [Now really confused] "It was Neville" what...!?

Dennis: Neville, if you won't tell Oz, I will, man. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of ya! [To Oz] Neville gave yer four pints of his blood, man. [Turns back to Neville] Didn't yer?

Oz: Did yer, Nev?

Dennis: [Kicks Neville's shin] Didn't yer, Nev?

Neville: [Still none the wiser, but having to play along!] Aye... I did...

Oz: Ah well... well what a relief! I mean... well how can I ever thank yer, Nev?

Neville: It's all right, Oz, it was nothin'.

Oz: Nothin'? Nothin', nothin'... I've always say you were a good lad, Nev. Hey, y'know what this means though, don't yer? Me and you's blood brothers now.

Neville: Aye... Suppose it does, aye.

Dennis: Well, well give yer blood brother the English papers, Nev. [Neville does so.]

Oz: Thanks, wor kid!

Dennis: Well, look, I've gotta get off, I've gotta go see young Dagmar. [Heads for the door, Neville opens it for Dennis]

Oz: Oh, what, have you made your decision, Den?

Dennis: Well, I have, Oz, yeah, but I'd rather tell her first, y'know, if you don't mind.

Oz: Oh aye, cool. Cool, Den, I understand. Listen, I can make my decision without havin' to lean on you, so don't think you're beholden to me at all, okay?

Dennis: Oh, thanks a lot mate. Cheers.

Neville: [A bit frustrated about what's just transpired] I'll see you back at the hut, Dennis!

Dennis: Aye, okay. [To Oz] So long, Oz!

Oz: Ta-ra, thanks for the flowers.

Dennis: [Sotto voce to Neville] Look, if he ever finds out, we're dead, right? [Leaves the room]

Oz: [Reading the sports page of The Sun] I don't believe it!

Neville: What?

Oz: Well, first, me an' you... get my... [points to a vein in his arm] An' now this? It's a sign, this! Well, I've gotta go home, you realise that! That's what it means, I've gotta go home.

Neville: Why?

Oz: Look at this, man! [hands Neville The Sun on the back page, which has the headline "That's My Boy!" with the strapline "Keegan signs for Newcastle and we told you first".]

---

[Dennis has made his decision about whether to stay in Germany with Dagmar or go back home to Vera and the kids. He goes for a walk with Dagmar along the Rhine]

Dagmar: Beautiful, isn't it?

Dennis: Oh yes, no doubt about that. [Looks down towards the Rhineknie Bridge] Mind you, we've got a bridge over the Tyne that's just like that. Well... it's not exactly like that, but it's beautiful in its own sort of way, and uh...

Dagmar: You sound as if you are homesick. [Dennis doesn't respond] Well, what is it going to be - the Rhine or the Tyne?

Dennis: Well, I'll tell you, bonny lass, the last few days have been amongst the worst in my life. I mean, I know they haven't been a picnic for you, either, but... well, the way I see things now is this: If I, er... If I was Dennis the Bold, I'd be starting off a new life in a new country with a lovely lady as a companion. But, unfortunately, Dennis the Brave is also a selfish sod, you know, he gets his mates all carved up when he tries to act big! So, he goes back to being Dennis the Realistic, and his role in life is... to be there for other people to lean on. And three of those people happen to be his wife and his kids. I mean, I put realism before bravery every time.

Dagmar: [upset] ...But would you have stayed if Vera hadn't come last weekend?

Dennis: Yeah probably, yeah.

Dagmar: Well... don't you think that I need to lean on you just as much as she does?

Dennis: ...No.

Dagmar: Well, why not?

Dennis: Because, Vera's got the kids, Dagmar! Don't you see? It's the kids! They make the difference! I mean, because of that... the way I am, I mean, I always get pulled into the area of greatest need! [Dagmar turns away] Look, I'm sorry, Dagmar, I really am.

---

[It's almost the end of the lads' last day of work on the site. They hold a topping out ceremony. Moxey ties a Union Jack to the scaffolding.]

Bomber: Not long now.

Neville: Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.

Dennie: Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]

Wayne: [Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?

Moxey: Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.

Barry: [Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!

Neville: What are you doin' up here, then, eh?

Barry: Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.

Dennis: Bollocks!

Barry: I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.

Dennis: How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.

Barry: [Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...

[The siren to mark the end of the working day goes off, leaving Barry looking a little confused. The lads cheer. Dennis throws down his trowel and shakes hands with Neville. Bomber lays the last brick. Wayne starts handing out the beers.]

Moxey: [Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!

Barry: [Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!

[Unbeknownst to the lads, a large bucket suspended by a crane approaches the lads...]

Neville: Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.

Dennis: Aye. To Oz.

Bomber: To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]

Oz: [For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]

Dennis: I don't believe it!

Oz: [As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]

---

[The lads come back from the pub back to the hut for the last time - Bomber is literally carrying Moxey - as they sing "My Way"...]

Oz: See all this here? We built all this, yer kna! Our skill and labour! No computer will ever be able to take the place of us! Last for a thousand years, this will, yer kna! [takes a beer out of his sling and opens it] I'm tellin' ya! There'll always be a place for skilled labour!

[Wayne goes back into the hut, smoking a cigarette, followed by Barry]

Barry: Phew!

Wayne: What's that funny smell?

Barry: Cor! That's... Vick's Moxey, innit?

Wayne: No, that's definitely not socks, mate.

Barry: It's stronger than socks, that is. Stronger.

Wayne: That's petrol! Hey, your bloody bike has been leaking petrol all over my home, you idiot! [drops his cigarette... which ignites the petrol...] Oh dear... [...which quickly starts a fire in the hut!]

Barry: There's a bit of a fire.

Wayne: Oh dear.

[Bomber, Moxey and Neville finally approach the hut. Barry and Wayne rush out]

Wayne: Barry, you bloody idiot!

Barry: Get back!

Moxey: [singing] To where you once belonged!

Neville: What are you doing standing around out here?

Wayne: Don't go in there, the flamin' hut's on fire!

Bomber: About time it was put out of commission!

Barry: [panicking] Look, I really think we ought to get out of the way, you know!

Neville: Stop pratting around, Barry!

[The hut explodes! Everyone runs for cover.]

Barry: MY BIKE!

Wayne: Sod your bike, what about my bloody home?

Barry: How am I going to get to Jeddah now?

Wayne: I'll bleedin' kick you there, Barry!

Neville: [Suddenly realising] Hey, hang on! The tickets and passports are inside! [Makes a run for the door, but he's held back by Barry]

Wayne: Don't, Nev!

Moxey: You can blame me for it. I'll cop for it, anyway!

Bomber: All my gear's in there!

[Oz finally turns up. Wayne runs to him]

Wayne: I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Oz: [Laughs] Hey, Barry, have you burnt the toast again?

Neville: How can I get my passport, man?

Moxey: Hey, you know what, lads? It takes me back! It really takes me back!

[Meanwhile, Dennis has gone to Dagmar's home for a farewell drink]

Dagmar: I'm glad we could say goodbye like this.

Dennis: Yeah. Well, it's better than jumping off bridges and all that nonsense. You, er, gonna be alright?

Dagmar: I think so. Have to be. I got over relationships before, you know. You will write to me?

Dennis: Yeah, of course, yeah, of course. I'll have a lot of free time on me hands when I'm back on the dole.

Dagmar: I'll send you my new address when I move. [Fire engine sirens can be heard in the background.]

Dennis: Yeah. Well, getting out of here will be a boon.

Dagmar: Have you told Vera yet?

Dennis: Er... no. No. The arrangement was I'd give her a ring tomorrow morning.

Dagmar: Oh. [Smiles and looks at Dennis] So... we could spend one last night together?

[The doorbell rings]

Dennis: You're not expecting anybody, are you?

Dagmar: No... [She goes to answer the door. It's Neville.]

Neville: Hello, Dagmar.

Dagmar: Neville? [Dennis puts his drink down and comes to the door]

Neville: Er, look, I'm sorry to disturb you, but, er... there's been a bit of an accident.

Dennis: Accident? What accident?

Neville: The hut's burnt doon!

Dennis: Who's done that? Moxey?

Neville: No, no man...

Dennis: Oh, don't tell me Magowan's broke out of the nick!

Neville: No, it was Barry's bike caught fire, but... anyway, we've lost everything! Money, passports, tickets, wor clothes...

Dennis: Oh, bloody hell!

Dagmar: Well, Neville, you had better come in. You can stay the night.

Neville: Thanks, Dagmar. There's a couple of the lads and all. [Barry, Oz, Wayne and Bomber come in]

Barry: Hello, Dagmar.

Oz: Hello, Dagmar! How, Den!

Wayne: Hi, Dagmar.

Oz: Well this is alright though, isnit?

[Dagmar closes the door, her last night with Dennis scuppered!]

---

[On the ferry back home]

Neville: Hey, I can see England!

Dennis: Oh, aye. That's England alright! Misty, grey cliffs.

Oz: Bloody depressing looking place when you think about it, isn't it? I'm surprised the Vikings never turned back!

Neville: Ahh, ye cannae beat it, but.

Oz: Can yer not? Not much in store for us when we get back there, is there? Apart from Keegan. No work, no money, no prospects...

Dennis: Oh, I dunno, Oz. I met a bloke in the bar before, and he reckons they'll be needing bricklayers up our way soon.

Oz: Oh, aye? And where's that?

Dennis: Well, it's just a whisper, like, but he had heard that that, er, they're gonna rebuild Hadrian's Wall! [They all laugh]