Thornton Melon: [laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.
Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.
Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?
Thornton Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.
Thornton Melon: When's our first class?
Jason Melon: Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.
Thornton Melon: 11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock.
Jason Melon: No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage.
Thornton Melon: All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.
Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?
Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!
Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.
Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?
Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!
Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...
Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.
[Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]
Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?
Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.
Lou: Well, now you do.
[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]
Thornton Melon: What's your favorite subject?
Thornton Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.
Security Guard: [after Thornton Melon's run-in with a showering sorority girl] Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day...
Thornton Melon: But a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids. [hands officer cash]
Security Guard: I don't have any kids.
Thornton Melon: No kids? Well, get yourself some kids. Take it all. [hands officer more cash] And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!
Professor Terguson: [after a student explains the reasons for the Vietnam War] Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a class room, hoping I was right, thinking about it. [shouting] I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn't work! Going in there, looking for Charlie, slugging it out with him, while pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, and listening to the goddamn Beatle albums! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Thornton Melon: Hey Professor, take it easy. These kids were in grade school at the time, and as for me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
Professor Terguson: You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China? [rips a desk apart] Then take the fucking wall apart [shouts] brick by brick and nuke them back into the fucking stone age forever?! Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it!
Thornton Melon: [incensed] All right, I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a PUSSY WIMP to let MacArthur go in there and BLOW OUT THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS!
Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.
Thornton Melon: [chuckling to his classmates] Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.
Dr. Turner: Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.
Thornton Melon: Oh. How 'bout tomorrow night?
Dr. Turner: I have class then, too.
Thornton Melon: I'll tell you what, then. Why don't you call me some time when you have no class?
Dr. Turner: [laughs] Alright. Maybe I will.
Jason Melon: Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books.
Thornton Melon: I tried...
[knock on door]
Thornton Melon: I don't understand a word of it.
Jason Melon: So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?
[Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there]
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: [removing his hat] Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.