- I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Quoted in Bob Fenster, Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros (2005), p. 37
- There goes the neighborhood.
- Epitaph, quoted in Patricia Brooks, Laid to Rest in California (2006), p. 20
It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)
- I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
- p. 4
- In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
- p. 6
- What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
- p. 7
- I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
- p. 8
- When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
- p. 9
- When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
- p. 10
- I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
- p. 12
- My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
- p. 13
- I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
- p. 14
- A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
- p. 15
- I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.
- p. 16
- I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
- p. 17
- I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
- p. 18
- What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
- p. 19
- I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
- p. 21
- I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
- p. 59
- When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
- p. 126.
- I don't get no respect!
- p. 127