I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
Quoted in Bob Fenster, Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros (2005), p. 37
There goes the neighborhood.
Epitaph, quoted in Patricia Brooks, Laid to Rest in California (2006), p. 20
It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.
I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.