Rodney Dangerfield was the best comedian that ever lived - Dave Ralston
Rodney Dangerfield was the Picasso of comedy. Eloquent and succinct. steve marshall, dontbehave.com
- These words of admiration for a great comedian are nice, folks, but Wikiquote talk pages are for discussing quote article content, not the subject himself. — Jeff Q (talk) 20:03, 15 May 2005 (UTC)
How would you like to make $14 the hard way?- Caddyshack
Hey honey, you must have been something before electricity! - Caddyshack
For years I wouldn't kiss my mother-in-law on the cheek and I end up kissing her a--! - Easy Money.
Jason, you don't lie to your father, you lie to girls...- Back to School
"Never forget the common man" a Rodney quote from real life told to comedian Steve Marshall by tony Bevacqua Joba
- What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
- My ol' man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."
- With my wife, I got no sex life. She cut me down to once a month. Hey I'm lucky, two guys I know she cut out completely.
- When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
- All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way-I had it out.
- In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
- When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I'm gonna run away from home. She said, "On your mark..."
- With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.
- My wife told me she likes to have sex in the backseat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.
- My uncle's dying wish, he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
- I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
- I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
- I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."
- They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
- I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
- She was a wild girl. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.
- I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
- I tell ya one thing-I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. I leave.
- I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.
- I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
- I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
- I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."
- With my ol' man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
- Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
- Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
- Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don't make it.
- We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
- I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
- Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
- I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we looked alike, He killed himself.
- My old man was dumb, he picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
- With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. she lit it.
- I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a good-night kiss on the cheek. she bent over.
- I bought another book, How to make it big. i got ripped off. It was about money.
- When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
- My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
- We were poor, too. If i wasn't born a boy, I would have nothing to play with.
- Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor- It was self-service.
- I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive...The refrigerator.
- What a doctor I've got- he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
- This girl was ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
- I told my psychiatrist I was thinking of killing myself. He told me from now on I had to pay in advance.
- My building's super told me to wipe my feet in the house before going out in the hall.
- I took my car to a mechanic for an estimate. He told me $200. I went to pick up the car, and he told me the bill was for $300. I asked "What about the estimate?" He told me "I forgot. That'll be $500."