Becker (TV series)
Becker (1998-2004) was a CBS sitcom that ran from November 2, 1998 to January 28, 2004, starring Ted Danson as the title character, John Becker. Although a good doctor, Becker finds annoyance with his patients, his co-workers, his friends, and practically everything and everyone else in his world; yet Becker's temper belies a more complex character, and his rants are often his way of keeping the world from seeing who he really is — a compassionate idealist afraid to appear emotionally vulnerable. As a result of his outspokenness, Becker is generally inaccessible to people that don't know him, but his patients and friends are nonetheless loyal because, though only occasionally, Becker does sometimes display a kind-hearted side that shows that, despite his cantankerous personality, he really does care about them.
- Jake Malinak: (first lines) Becker's here!
- (three people run out the door as Becker comes in)
- Dr. John Becker: What I like about this place is that anytime I walk in, there's always a seat.
- Dr. John Becker: You know what's killing this country? TV talk shows. I watched one last night. I should've just stuck a fork in my eye. You know, it's like America stepped in something and is scraping it off its shoe directly over my TV set. I'm telling you. Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, they're all broadcasting straight from Hell! When I watched one the other day... I don't even know what the hell it was. Apparently, some guy wanted to be a woman, so he chops it off. Then he decides he likes chicks after all, so he becomes a lesbian. Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: You know, Becker, you could've changed the channel.
- Dr. John Becker: I did. I ran across a bisexual guy having a three-way with his aunt and uncle. I tell you, if I were his dog, I'd be on my toes.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Well, here's a wacky idea: turn it off!
- Jake Malinak: Don't you see it, Reggie? He leaves the TV on so he can get upset!
- Dr. John Becker: Nobody called on you. It doesn't matter if you turn the set off. The people are still in there! And, frankly, I like knowing what they're up to. Trust me on this one. White trash is the only natural resource this country will never run out of!
- Man: You sure he's really a doctor? I mean, he's such an ass.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: He's not just a doctor. He's a brilliant doctor. As far I as I can tell, that's his only flaw, otherwise he'd be a perfect ass.
- Annette Johnson: You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not.
- Dr. John Becker: Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: So, what kind of car are you looking for?
- Dr. John Becker: Basic transportation. Something to get me from here to there.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Get a bicycle.
- Jake Malinak: Uh-oh.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: What? They're inexpensive, great exercise, and pollution-free.
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah. That's just what I want to be. Another schmuck riding down the street with a little bell and stupid helmet trying to save the environment. Like my little two-wheeler's going to make a difference in a city with fifty-million cabs belching out toxic smoke. "Oh, little Timmy can't breathe! But don't worry! Becker's riding a bike!"
- Jake Malinak: (to Reggie) I tried to warn you.
Take These Pills and Shove 'Em
- Dr. John Becker: My car broke down, so I had to take the bus. Have you done that lately? It's like being in an ethanol-powered Fellini film. The first thing I see is some woman breastfeeding her son- her ADULT son. Behind them is someone in this lovely Chanel evening gown who's either an attractive man or a really unattractive woman. The only seat I could find was next to some guy who claims he's Moses. He may well have been, too. He smelled like some guy who'd been dead for 3,000 years.
- Margaret: Mrs. Cooper called at 11:00 last night. She didn't want to alarm us, but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night. 7:00 this morning, Mrs. Cooper called again. Apparently, she made it. 8:15, Mrs. Cooper called...
- Dr. John Becker: She's here, isn't she?
- Margaret: Room two.
- Dr. John Becker: All right, give me the TV Guide. Let's see what we're dealing with.
- Margaret: Already checked. There were two movies of the week last night. Lindsey Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was going deaf. Usual bet?
- Dr. John Becker: Fine. I'll take deafness, you've got renal shutdown. [Enters exam room] Mrs. Cooper, how are we doing today?
- Patient: Excuse me, doctor. Could you speak up?
- Dr. John Becker: (yells out to Margaret) Patty Duke!
- Margaret: Damn!
- Linda: (whispering) Dr. Becker, do you need any help?
- Dr. John Becker: (whispers) No.
- Linda: (still whispering) Are you sure?
- Dr. John Becker: (whispers) Yes.
- Patient: Oh, no. I am going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!
- Dr. John Becker: That's because we were whispering.
- Patient: What don't you want me to know?
- Dr. John Becker: (to Mr. Marino, who claims he "forgot" to take his medications) You remembered to keep smoking.
- Mr. Marino: Who says I'm smoking?
- Dr. John Becker: You're a lying, smoking bastard! I know because I'm one, too. Look, right now, you're being stupid. Do you want to be stupid and dead?
- Mr. Marino: You use that mouth with all your patients?
- Dr. John Becker: Only the stupid ones! It's real simple, Mr. Marino: You're walking across the street. A bus is coming at you. I'm trying to help you get out of the way. Even a five year-old is smart enough to do that. You think you might take directions as well as a five year-old?
- Mr. Marino: You know what? I got some directions for you, pal! Why don't you go straight to Hell, take a left at Up Yours, and then make a right at Kiss my Ass!
- [after watching Mr. Marino arguing with his wife]
- Dr. John Becker: (to Mrs. Marino) I know why you want to kill him. (to Mr. Marino) And now I know why you want to die. Best of luck to both of you.
Sex in the Inner City
- Dr. John Becker: What is this, National Sex Day? I got a woman doing it in a parked car. This clown wants Viagra. Everybody I see this morning has sex on the brain.
- Dr. John Becker: Hey, M.J. How are you doing?
- Marvin Johnson: Where do babies come from?
- Dr. John Becker: (pause) Europe.
- Radiator Repairman: Hey, doc? When was the last time you got it serviced?
- Dr. John Becker: Excuse me?
- Radiator Repairman: Your system. How long's it been since you blew your pipes out?
- Radiator Repairman: I'm glad you got me over here, doc. Your system is getting ready to blow!
- Dr. John Becker: Stay away from me!
- (Becker turns on the TV)
- Woman on TV: Hi. I'm Tiffany. I want to tell you things I've never told anyone. Hot, nasty, thi--
- (changes channel)
- Woman on TV: You want firm, tasty, sexy fun? I mean, just look at these!
- (changes channel)
- Woman on TV: Jerry, I don't think nymphomaniac is a big enough word to describe me.
- (changes channel)
- Reporter: And in our final story tonight, we'd like to wish a special happy birthday to Hazel Meyers. Today, the oldest woman in New York is 106 years old.
- Dr. John Becker: And not lookin' to bad, either.
Tell Me Lies
- Dr. John Becker: Jake, let me give you a little tip: whatever you do, never, ever, go to a hospital. You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train. It's quicker, it's cheaper and it's a hell of a lot less paperwork. Patient of mine went to this morning for surgery. By the time I get there, he's gone.
- Jake Malinak: Oh, John. I'm sorry.
- Dr. John Becker: No, he's not dead! He's gone! They lost him! They physically lost the entire person! Oh, yeah, they keep track of their $25 aspirin there, $40 Q-tips, but apparently poor, unconscious Mr. Barelli was just a little too slippery for them! But at least it was all worthwhile. When I got Mr. Barelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me. Threw up all over my shoes.
- Dr. John Becker: Know what I'm doing right now?
- Jake Malinak: Hm?
- Dr. John Becker: Giving you the finger.
- Jake Malinak: John, I'm blind, I'm poor and I'm running a newsstand in the Bronx. God gave me the finger long before you ever did.
- Dr. John Becker: You know, I can't help but notice you're acting a little- what's that word you used, Jake? Oh, yeah. Bitchy.
- Jake Malinak: I never said that. I agree, but I never said that.
- (after he arranged the chess pieces on the board)
- Mr. Schmalen: Hey sweetheart, tell the doctor I’m ready and I’m white.
- Linda: Excuse me sir, but the doctor does not discriminate, he takes patients in the order they come in.
- Mr. Schmalen: Hey doc, are we playing chess today or should I just go screw myself?
- Dr. John Becker: Nah.. we’ll finish the game. Aha! Got your rook!
- Mr. Schmalen: Aha! Checkmate!
- Dr. John Becker: You beat me, how did you do that?
- Mr. Schmalen: I have a nephew, 38, we have to pin his bus pass to his sleeve, he could beat you.
- (to Linda as he’s leaving Dr. Becker’s office)
- Mr. Schmalen: Honey, a little tip, next time I come in, it wouldn’t kill you to offer me a little coffee, maybe a Danish. And by the way, they invented brassieres for a reason!
My Dinner With Becker
- Dr. John Becker: Margret, there’s a reason why they named a blind date after a disabling condition.
- Dr. John Becker: If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.
Man Plans, God Laughs
- [Becker walks into the diner]
- Dr. John Becker: You guys see the paper this morning?
- Jake Malinak: John, we keep going over this. I'm blind. I haven't seen anything for five years.
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well it's unbelievable. Some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle and shoots out his teacher's tyres. Another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment! Lord knows when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is some toothless cretin with a third-grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap! Not that I have anything against hunting; if it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out! Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't throw a hissy fit and take out half the faculty!
- Jake Malinak: Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: That pretty much leaves the weather and Charlie Brown.
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah, you know I hate that pathetic little clod! How hard is it to kick a damn football?!
- [Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]
- Dr. John Becker: There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?
- Linda: Headache, "A" for ache.
- Dr. John Becker: Pregnancy?
- Linda: "B" for baby.
- Dr. John Becker: X-ray?
- Linda: "C" for see-through.
- (after he introduces two old patients to each other)
- Dr. John Becker: Just call me Dr. Becker, the geriatric pimp.
- Dr John. Becker: [talking to a pregnant patient] Okay, Mrs. Capelos, you're gonna be just fine. In a couple of weeks, you're gonna be flat on your back with your legs in the air, screaming like a banshee. [after she leaves, under his breath] Pretty much what put you in that condition in the first place!
- [Becker opens his door to two Jehovah's Witnesses]
- Jehovah's Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
- John Becker: Depends. Are you two gonna be there?
- Jehovah's Witness: Why yes- [Becker slams the door]'
- Dr John Becker: [to an elderly woman] Come on, lady! I've seen continents drift faster than this!
Physician, Heal Thyself
- Becker: I'd love to set you straight, but I gotta go heal the sick!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Do you really heal the sick or do you just harangue the disease out of the person like an exorcism?
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [about Becker] Oh I hate it when he's like that!
- Jake Malinak: Smug?
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: No, breathing!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Look, Jake, not that I don't enjoy this sucking up, but if you want the hockey ticket, you're gonna have to do better than this; after all, there are other men in my life! [Bob walks in]
- Bob: Hello, losers! That's right, Bob's back! [Reggie rolls her eyes]
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: I've got to get a bug-zapper in here!
- Bob: Notice anything different about Bob?
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [indifferent] You shed a layer of skin!?
- Bob: You're closer than you think. Bob had a makeover; I've been loofahed, polished, waxed and buffed to a high sheen! I've had a facial, and for the first time in the salon's history, a back-al! I'll show you later!
- Jake Malinak: Thank God I'm blind!
- Becker: [repeated line when someone knocks on his door] If this is about my car blocking your space, I'm not moving! If this is about my laundry in all of the machines, it's not moving!
- Margaret: [coming into Becker's apartment] Did you know it smells like cabbage out there!?
- Becker: Yeah, it's the old couple at the end of the hallway. Either they cook sauerkraut every night, or they've been dead since Tuesday!
- Becker: [shouting at a Chinese takeaway worker] Hey, how many times I gotta tell you?! Quit sliding menus under my door! Look, I've eaten in this crappy restaurant! And don't think I don't know what's going on down there too! I've seen that dumpster full of dog collars!
- Dr. John Becker: Tetzloff, you are a lying, bottom feeding, low-life publicity whore!
- Phil Morrison: Dr. Becker, please. Come in. Sit down. [ushers Becker into a chair]
- Dr. John Becker: What? No, I don't want to talk on the radio -
- Phil Morrison: This'll be fine, seriously. Sit down. [into the radio mike] This is great. We have John Becker here, the racist doctor Mr. Tetzloff wrote about. [to Becker] Go ahead. You're on the air. Talk. Talk into the mike.
- Dr. John Becker: All right. This guy took a private conversation and he turned it into something that it wasn't.
- Tetzloff: Well, then maybe you could tell me what it was. You said to an Asian man, "You people can't drive."
- Dr. John Becker: Yes, yes. You people, as in, you lousy drivers. I didn't care where he came from. All I cared about was where he was going, which was into the side of my car! I never said he was a bad driver because he was Asian.
- Tetzloff: So you do believe Asian Americans are bad drivers?
- Dr. John Becker: I never said that they are bad drivers!
- Tetzloff: "They?"
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, come on! This is stupid!
- Tetzloff: Isn't "they" just a racist code word? Another way of saying "those people?"
- Dr. John Becker: "They" is not a code word. "They" is a pronoun. We can't use pronouns anymore?
- Tetzloff: And by "we," you mean white Americans just like you?
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, come on. White Americans. Do you believe this?
- Phil Morrison: I love this! This is like a real show!
- Phil Morrison: Caller, you're on the air.
- Caller: Yeah, hi, Phil. Long time listener, first time caller. Guys like this doctor make me sick. Can I have a T-shirt?
- Phil Morrison: Good point. No shirt.
- Dr. John Becker: This woman just proves what everything I've been saying for years, that the only thing dumber than talk radio listeners are talk radio callers. It's an entire audience made up of the infirm, the unemployed, and the insane.
- Tetzloff: So, with one sweeping generality, you smeared this man's entire audience.
- Phil Morrison: [covers microphone] It's okay. He's right.
- Phil Morrison: Mr. Tetzloff, in your column, you also say that Dr. Becker insulted a black man...
- Tetzloff: That's correct.
- Phil Morrison: A blind man -
- Dr. John Becker: Hey! Hey, wait a minute. It's the same guy. You can't count him twice.
- Jake Malinak: [listening with Reggie and Bob] Remind me, Reg. Why do I like him?
- Reggie: Come on, Becker. Just say the name of the diner. Just say the name.
- Dr. John Becker: And besides, he's a friend of mine. He's the only reason I go into that place - certainly not for the food.
- Reggie: Don't say the name. Please don't say the name.
- Tetzloff: The whole point of my article was to show that racism is alive in this city and, Dr. Becker, you're its living proof!
- Dr. John Becker: I am not! I have strong opinions. Yeah, I admit that. I have likes, I have dislikes, but none of them are racially motivated! Everything I say is motivated purely by stupidity!
- Linda: [listening with Margaret] Did he mean to say that?
- Jake Malinak: Good one, John.
- Dr. John Becker: You know what I meant.
- Tetzloff: I certainly know what you meant when you maligned rap music, clearly an expression of African American culture!
- Dr. John Becker: I did not! I said I didn't like loud music. You know, all right. I don't like rap music. Is that okay with you? I don't like polka music either, but I like Polish sausage. I hate Chinese checkers, but I love French fries. I hate Belgian waffles, love German Shepherds. Can't stand English muffins! Here's a real puzzler: hate Danish cheese, love cheese danish!
- Tetzloff: Yes, doctor. Very clever, but what about that mean spirited swipe at Puerto Ricans?
- Dr. John Becker: [beat] Puerto Ricans?
- Tetzloff: You made a crack about people who barbecue out on the street.
- Dr. John Becker: Those are Puerto Ricans? You know, I didn't say that.
- Tetzloff: Yes, well, we all know that's what you meant -
- Dr. John Becker: No, that's not what I meant at all. I was talking about some guy who lives down the street from me. I don't know where he comes from, but he cooks his dinner on the sidewalk, and that's just stupid. You know something? You are the one who's making this about Puerto Ricans.
- Tetzloff: That's not what I did at all!
- Dr. John Becker: That's exactly what you did. Same thing with your column. You took a private conversation, you imbued it with racial overtones, all under the guise of political correctness. You know something? That concept was meant to make us more sensitive to each other, but instead, all you did was use it to perpetuate some ugly stereotypes!
- Tetzloff: That-that certainly wasn't my intention-
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well, that's what you did. You know, let me tell you one more thing I don't like: you. Not because of where you come from. I just don't like you. And you know something, you're free not to like me, either, as long as you do it for the right reasons. And if you don't like that, you can kiss my ass.
- [Becker leaves]
- Phil Morrison: Great show!
Love! Lies! Bleeding!
- Becker: Valentine's Day: the shallowest, greediest exploitation of emotion since my second marriage!
- Becker: The only person who ever celebrated this day right was Al Capone.
- Reggie: You know Becker, I hate Valentine's Day too.
- Becker: Woah! You and I agree on something?
- Reggie: I know, it scares me too! But you're right; all the pressure- 'Will I get a date?', 'Won't I get a date?', 'Gotta get a date', 'Didn't get a date'- who needs it?!
- Jake: Congratulations John, you just claimed another soul!
- Jake: Kiss my ass!
- Becker: Certainly not the most romantic invitation I've ever gotten. Oddly enough, not the least either.
Becker the Elder
- [After talking with John's father, Fred]
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: I'm just relieved to know Becker has a father: I was always under the impression he was raised by wolves.
- Jake Malinak: Yeah, really pissy wolves!
- [Fred is in John's apartment, trying to get his son to talk to him and going about it as if it were a sales pitch]
- John Becker: [annoyed] Cut the crap, will you!? I'm not a customer; I'm your son! I don't wanna joke, I don't want a pen! Every few years, you show up and we do this ridiculous little dance! You wanna talk to me, talk to me!
- Fred Becker: What do you want to talk about?
- John Becker: No, no, no, no! This time, we're really gonna talk!...I was eleven years old. Why'd you leave?
- Fred Becker: [solemn] Ok, Johnny. Here it is; your mother and I were completely wrong for each other. All we ever did was argue. It got to the place where I took any kind of a job, just to get out of town. Your mother finally got fed up and...told me to keep going.
- John Becker: I didn't ask you to leave! I didn't argue with you, why didn't you at least come back and see me!?
- Fred Becker: Because your mother asked me not to. [John looks stunned] You didn't know that, did you? And yes, I could've insisted I have a bigger part in your life, but I didn't. I took the easy way out and I regret it.
- John Becker: [shocked] She asked you to---?
- Fred Becker: Don't blame her; she was afraid I'd be a bad influence on you. [chuckles] Back in those days, she wasn't entirely wrong. I was...[pause] I took time to look in on you now and again; I saw one of your high school basketball games and...I was there when you graduated from med school.
- John Becker: I know. I saw you. What was with the lime-green leisure suit?
- Fred Becker: It was the 70's! Give me a break!
- Becker: Ah hell, there's that damn meter maid! HEY GRANDMA, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY CAR! WHY AREN'T YOU OUT STEALING KETCHUP PACKETS LIKE NORMAL OLD WOMEN!?
- Becker: [on religion] Religion is supposed to be about people being nice to each other, but frankly, I don't see a lot of that. You know, what I do see is people using the Good Book to say that they're morally superior. I see people building TV stations to bilk Grandma out of her pension cheques, all in the name of God, you know. And how about all those God-fearing people who are killing other God-fearing people because they don't fear God in the same way!?
Activate Your Choices
- [Watching a TV program]
- Becker: Oh please! She's no doctor! She's no writer, hell, she's not even a real blonde!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Come on, Becker! How could you know anything about her!?
- Becker: She's my ex-wife!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: GET OUT OF HERE! She's your ex-wife? Jake, you gotta see this!
- Jake Malinak: Blind!
- Bob: She has the high fashion, uptown look Bob finds very hot.
- Becker: She'd crush you like a bug!
- Bob: You don't know Bob; he's one tough little insect!
- Becker: You know how it is when you're married; you have those cute little nicknames for each other.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: So what's your name for her?
- Becker: "Castrating bitch from Hell"!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Sounds like you're still carrying a torch for her.
- Becker: Yeah, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
- Becker: Look partner, she's gonna be fine! Why don't you just call your office? Maybe there's someone who missed getting screwed today!
- Lawyer: I really resent that!
- Becker: Well then my work is done!
- Sandra: And you said I wasn't fair to you.
- Becker: Oh come on, that don't count, he's a lawyer. I actually look forward to the day we can hunt them!
- Jake Malinak: Just caught a whiff of something strange from outside. Like a combination of exhaust fumes, hair tonic and really cheap cologne!
- [Bob walks in]
- Bob: Hello, wage slaves! Bob's back!
- Jake Malinak: That explains it!
- Bob: Long time no see! Kinda your life story, eh?
- Jake Malinak: Times like this, I don't mind!
- Becker: Have you ever been robbed?
- Margaret: Oh please, I have lived in New York my whole life. I was held up on Prom Night...by my date!
Saving Harvey Cohen
- Bob: Hey, Doc!
- Dr. John Becker: Hey, dork!
- Dr. John Becker: [to Margaret while looking at travel brochures] What were you thinking?
- [slaps brochures on counter]
- Dr. John Becker: Too hot. Too cold. Too stupid. Mexico? What's the point? In a few weeks, they'll all be up here.
- [After Jake inadvertantly reveals an erotic dream involving him and Reggie]
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!
- Jake Malinak: Oh God! Thanks a lot, John!
- Dr. John Becker: [chuckling] Couldn't resist!
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: What is it with guys and tearing clothes off!? Don't you ever dream of unbuttoning clothes and neatly folding them over a chair?
- Jake Malinak: Look Reg, I'm really sorry. It was just a dream!
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Ah, no big deal. But do me a favour: next time you have a dream about us, can it be somewhere exotic? Even in your dreams, I can't get out of this lousy diner!
- Dr. Harvey Cohen: By the way, what's the cat's name?
- Dr. John Becker: It doesn't have a name.
- Dr. Harvey Cohen: You must love him very much.
- Dr. John Becker: Fine! Put down Harvey Cohen.
- Dr. Harvey Cohen: You're naming the cat after me?
- Dr. John Becker: Why not? It'll be easy for you to give up on a Muffin or Mittens, but you might have to think twice before you pull the plug on Harvey Cohen.
Truth and Consequences
- [Becker is eating lunch in the diner]
- Dr. John Becker: What's with the toothpick? What are you, Neil Armstrong, claiming this burger in the name of all mankind?
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: It's a garnish! Sue me, I'm trying to give the place a lift!
- Dr. John Becker: Well if that's what you're after, why don't you try scraping the grime off the walls and emptying the dead bugs out of the light fixtures?
- Jake Malinak: I dunno, John, it kinda dresses things up! I like it!
- Dr. John Becker: Like it? You can't even see it! You didn't think of that, did you Reggie!? I mean, Jake here could put his eye out with one of these things, or I could puncture the roof of my mouth!
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: This puncture, would it shut you up for a couple of days!?
- [Becker's cousin Barry has come into the diner]
- Jake Malinak: So you knew John as a kid?
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Let me ask you a question-
- Barry Becker: Exactly the same. He just bitched in a higher voice!
- Becker: This is why I hate coming to New Jersey! As far as I'm concerned, they should tear down the bridge and block both the tunnels!
Drive, They Said
- Becker: [honking at the car in front] Come on, come on! If you're gonna drive that slow, you shouldn't be on the road!
- Margaret: John, it's a hearse.
- Becker: Just because it's too late for him doesn't mean he has to ruin it for the rest of us.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [to Becker] Would a lucky day destroy your view of life as a bleak and punishing hell?
- Jake Malinak: Ah, took you a while Reg, but you finally figured him out!
- Becker: Why is it the good patients always die and the pain-in-the-asses go on and on?
- Margaret: Yeah, why is that?
- Becker: You gotta accept it, Jake; as soon as you get involved with a woman, it's only a matter of time before you're the next contestant on "Guess Why I'm Mad".
- Jake: Yeah, that's on right before "All I Do For You And This Is The Thanks I Get".
Point of Contact
- Dr. John Becker: Jake, you can stop worrying about the decline of civilisation, it's officially hit bottom! Once again, the knuckle-dragging boobs of this country have allowed themselves to be led to slaughter by the hideous forces of evil!
- Jake Malinak: Come on, John! You promised me, you promised me you'd stop watching Oprah!
- Dr John Becker: It's not Oprah, not this time- but I got my eye on her! You know that burned out building down the block?
- Jake Malinak: Er, this is the Bronx, John. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific!
- Dr. John Becker: Jake, you watch the news last night?
- Jake Malinak: How many times do I have to tell you...
- Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, stay with me, will you? So they're doing a story about violence in America, and they're interviewing some bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states. Now, does Senator Gomer advocate making guns more difficult to get? No, he blames television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island. Oh great, now I'm out of cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.
- Jake Malinak: Why don't you just quit, John? They're taking years off your life
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years where you walk around bitching at the world.
- Jake Malinak: As opposed to this whole high-on-life Gandhi thing you've got going on now?
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [on the phone] Look, I need a new motor for my damn freezer! Don't give me excuses; I've got a kitchen full of sour milk, rotten eggs and purple meat! [hangs up] What you having, Becker?
- Dr. John Becker: Second thoughts about dining here!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [to Amanda about the diner] Not quite our condo on South Beach.
- Jake Malinak: Not quite a condo on Omaha Beach!
- Jake Malinak: [shaking hands with Amanda] Ooh, you sound tall.
- Amanda: You smell friendly. Why're we talking like this?
- Jake Malinak: I'm blind.
- Amanda: And yet you're still staring at my breasts!
- Jake Malinak: Sorry, creature of habit.
- Mr. Ehrlich: So, anyway, Dr. Becker, I just feel off. Everything hurts.
- Dr. John Becker: As I've been saying, Mr. Ehrlich, it's all part of the flu.
- Mr. Ehrlich: I've got chills and a fever. Even my legs are achey,
- Dr. John Becker: All part of the flu.
- Mr. Ehrlich: My nose is stuffy, I have no energy.
- Dr. John Becker: Part of the flu!
- Mr. Ehrlich: Then there's the sweats, mostly at night.
- Dr. John Becker: The flu!
- Mr. Ehrlich: I think that's why they call them night sweats. What caused them?
- Dr. John Becker: [shouts] It's the flu! For God's sake, Mr. Ehrlich, what's the matter with you?!
- Mr. Ehrlich: I don't know, I think I caught a bug.
- Dr. John Becker: [storms out]
Cyrano De Beckerac
- Reggie Kostas: Becker, you know so little about women it's hard to believe you actually came from one!
- Dr. John Becker: Hey, that was the best relationship with a woman I ever had! My mother fed me, kept me warm and we didn't have to talk all the time!
- Jake Malinak: Revenge is a big part of your life, isn't it?
- Dr. John Becker: You kidding me? It's the best part of waking up!
- Reggie Kostas: Don't you have an ounce of romance in your soul?!
- Jake Malinak: What makes you think he even has a soul?!
- Dr. John Becker: Oh please, romance is like the cheese in a mousetrap; it's what baits you into position so the metal bar of reality can come snapping down on your neck!
- Reggie Kostas: You're just upset because you were unlucky in love.
- Dr. John Becker: I was not unlucky in love, I was unlucky in court.
My Boyfriend's Back
- [Linda walks into the diner]
- Linda: Reggie, hi! Gimme a coffee and a muffin, quick: I have to get to the office before Dr Becker! If I'm even half a second late, the bug up his butt grabs the stick up his butt and beats me with it!
- Becker [behind her]: Morning, Linda!
Shovel Off to Buffalo
- [Becker and Reggie are stuck on a flight to Buffalo, pretending to be married and Becker is being stalked by an amorous flight attendent]
- Reggie: Hey, get your claws off my husband, AND GET ME MY DAMN NUTS!
- Becker: I want a divorce.
He Said, She Said
- [After learning his ex-girlfriend's family never forwarded his letters to her, leading to their breakup]
- Megan: My dad: he never liked you after all that stuff you said about Nixon!
- Becker: Turned out I was right though, wasn't I!? Well, that explains why I never heard back from you...
- Megan: So all these years, you thought I didn't care?
- Becker: Nixon! Bastard's dead and he's still screwing me!
Stumble in the Bronx
- Dr. John Becker: Tell me something; what is it about me that makes people think my only purpose on this planet is to help them!?
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: The letters "M.D." after your name?
- Bob: [walking in] Jake.
- Jake Malinak: [walking out] Jerk!
- [doing a word association test]
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Dog.
- Dr. John Becker: Leave.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Tree.
- Dr. John Becker: Me.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Man.
- Dr. John Becker: Alone.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Hey!
- Margaret: So someone finally shot you.
- Dr. John Becker: I always thought it would be you, Margaret.
- Margaret: So did I.
Hate Thy Neighbor
- [After Becker learns a temporary doctor will be assigned to his practice]
- Dr. John Becker: You can't replace me with just anybody! My patients trust me, they know me!
- Margaret: They certainly do; the police are checking them out as possible suspects!
- [After Reggie shows up to take John home from the hospital]
- Dr. John Becker: Stop flapping your lips, get my stuff and let's go!
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: [exasperated] Why exactly did you save his life?
- Dr. Liz Carson: Had to; took an oath. Why'd you volunteer to take him home?
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Had to; lost a coin toss.
The Hippocratic Oath
- Dr. John Becker: For god's sake, if you're gonna kill yourself, at least have the decency to wait until after rush hour. (sees no one is in the diner)
- Jake: I might be running into some health problems. You see, I met this girl who's into astrology, right? She told me--
- Dr. John Becker: Astrology! Congratulations, Reg. Psychology just moved up a notch.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Becker, astrology goes back thousands of years.
- Dr. John Becker: Thousands years ago, people were crapping in their hats.
- [After Becker, under doctor's orders to eat more healthily, orders a fruit salad at the diner]
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: [confused] Fruit!? You don't eat fruit, you hate fruit!
- Dr. John Becker: Look, you don't want my business, there are plenty of places that'll give me fruit without an argument!
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Sorry! I'm just so used to you eating wrong.
- Dr. John Becker: Of course I eat wrong; I eat here!
- Bob: Bob knows what you're trying to do; you're trying to make him look bad in front of Reggie. Well, it won't work; she aches for me!
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: [coldly] Bob, you turn my stomach!
- Bob: [undeterred] That's an ache.
All The Rage
- Dr. John Becker: Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Its a rubber band.
- Dr. John Becker: Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it every time I feel angry.
- Jake Malinak: Doesn't that hurt?
- Dr. John Becker: Yes.
- Jake Malinak: Won't that make you more angry?
- Dr. John Becker: Shut up.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.
- [Becker storms into the diner]
- Dr. John Becker: Well it's official, they finally turned New York into a police state! I'm driving to work, and like I do every morning when I get to the corner of White Plains Road and Lester Avenue, I turn right- and I know, I know it's a one way street but I only go twenty five yards then I take a shortcut down this alley! Today, some idiot of a cop is lying in wait for me, and he tickets me for an illegal turn, broken tailight, no seatbelt, and oh yeah, no rear-view mirror! I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET, THERE'S NOTHING BEHIND ME!
The Roast That Ruined Them
- Margaret Wyborn: [After Becker invites her into his apartment in his underpants] Either I'm early or this is a different kind of party!
The Bearer of Bad Tidings
- [Linda stands up with a post-it note stuck on her forehead]
- Linda: I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.
- Dr. John Becker: Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?
- Linda: Wow, it's like you read my mind.
- Dr. John Becker: Some are easier than others.
- [Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]
- Linda: I have a message for you.
- Margaret: Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?
- Linda: Wow, you people are freakin' scary.
- [Linda goes in the back]
- Dr. John Becker: I won't tell her if you won't tell her.
- Margaret: Just for today, you are Beth.
- Lynda: I don't like the name Beth.
- Linda: I do, can I be Beth?
- Lynda: I want to be Beth too.
- Margaret: You can't both be Beth.
- Linda: Why? We're both Linda.
- Lynda: Let's pick our own names.
- Linda: I want to be Margaret.
- Lynda: No, I want to be Margaret.
- Margaret: I want to be dead.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Doesn't what she did piss you off?
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.
- Dr. John Becker: Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.
Panic on the 86th
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: I was born and raised in New York, and I've never been to the top of the Empire State Building!
- Linda: Really? I was conceived up here! Well, acually it was in the elevator.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [incredulous] Your parents did it in the elevator!?
- Linda: Well they weren't going to do it on the stairs, they're not animals!
- Linda: You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him.
- Dr. John Becker: If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive?
- [Becker walks into the back]
- Linda: [to Margaret] He didn't do it.
- Becker: What's the matter with you people? I didn't kill that guy!
- Bob: [coming out of phone booth] Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed? I just got his job.
- Becker: I didn't kill anybody, Bob! What'd you just say?
- Bob: I'm your new super!
- Becker: But Alexei just died this morning. How could you even know about the job?
- Bob: I owe it all to Linda.
- Becker: Linda helped you? My Linda?
- Bob: If, by "help", you mean left your office as soon as she heard the old super croaked, ran to your building, gave them my resume—which, by the way, she wrote—acted as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they agreed to hire me, then, yeah, she helped!
- Becker: But you don't know anything about being a super!
- Bob: What's to know? Jake can do it, for crying out loud!
- Jake: Hey!
- Bob: Not to mention it's the deal of a lifetime—good salary, free apartment, and I get to sit on my ass all day and pretend I don't speak English. It's what I was born to do!
- Becker: This can't be happening.
- Bob: Don't worry. Whatever you need, day or night, my door is always open, and thanks to my new passkey, so is yours.
- Reggie: Jake, do you realize what this means?
- Jake: Yeah, Bob has someplace else to go!
[on the construction crew working outside]
- Reggie: Hey, this could be great for business! I could make a working man's special!
- Becker: Why don't you make a John Becker special?
- Reggie: Oh, I would, except for who'd buy a sandwich made of crap, bologna and bullsh--
- Becker: Hey!
One Wong Move
- [Becker's patient is Richard Hatch, winner of Survivor: Borneo]
- Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.
- [he and Richard shake hands]
- Richard Hatch: Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.
- Dr. John Becker: Uh, why don't we just talk first.
- Richard Hatch: Okay.
- Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?
- Richard Hatch: No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?
- Richard Hatch: No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...
- Dr. John Becker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?
- Richard Hatch: Hey, some of the other people there ate rats.
- Dr. John Becker: Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?
- Richard Hatch: It was for "Survivor."
- Dr. John Becker: "Survivor?"
- Richard Hatch: You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.
- Dr. John Becker: Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?
- Richard Hatch: Well, I won.
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?
- Richard Hatch: A million dollars?
- Dr. John Becker: Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...
- [the scene fades out]
- Bob: (about Linda's clothes) Wow, is that a handkerchief? Because Bob feels a sneeze coming on.
Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em
- Dr. John Becker: I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, its insane for me to go on smoking.
- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: They raise the price of cigarettes again?
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah. $4.50 a pack!
- Jake: Don't try sneaking a smoke, cause I already talked to Margaret and Linda. I have eyes everywhere.
- Becker: You don't have eyes anywhere.
Dr. Angry Head
- [Becker is buried up to his neck in fake snow]
- Kid: Are you Mr. Angry Head?
- Dr. John Becker: That's Doctor Angry Head.
- [Bob is furious about not getting any appreciation for being the apartment building's superintendent]
- Bob: I'm telling you, if I don't get a tip from one of those lousy tenants soon, I'm shutting off their heat!
- Jake: That oughta make you real popular!
- Bob: Yeah? Screw 'em! I can't guarantee a white Christmas, but for some of those old farts, it's gonna be a blue one!
- Jake: I didn't know Margaret drank. Then again, she does work for Becker!
The Trouble with Harry
- Bob: She's on her way to the bottom. And Bob is the Mayor of the bottom!
- [After Reggie reveals her plan to have lunch with Sarah's husband]
- Jake Malinak: Reg, you know that after eating, you'll want to stretch your legs, which leads to taking a walk, which leads to your apartment, which leads to sex!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Fine, maybe I'll just meet him for dessert.
- Jake Malinak: Bad idea; you'll eat too much, which leads to feeling fat, which leads to changing clothes, which leads to sex!
- Reggie "Reggie" Kostas: Coffee?
- Jake Malinak: Coffee! Coffee breath, mints, drug store, aisle 12, sex!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Can we meet for water?
- Jake Malinak: WATER!? Why don't you just do it in the street!?
The Princess Cruise
- Linda: Someday you'll look back on this and laugh.
- Dr. John Becker: Maybe I will. But before then, I will kill you. And then I'll use my powers as a physician to bring you back to life. And then, I will kill you again.
- Megan: John, guess what? I left my husband. After all this time, we can finally be together!
- Becker: I hate this dream! [slams the door in her face]
- Bob: Becker having sex? Nah, I don't see it [slyly] but if I get that new drill, I will!
The Ugly Truth
- [After learning he has been taped for Reggie's psychology class]
- Dr John Becker: You know what kind of person tapes another person!? NIXON!
The More You Know
- [Anita walks out of Becker's bathroom]
- Bob: Wait a minute, you're with him!? If your self-esteem is that low, maybe you and I should talk!
- Becker: I watched the moon landing on that TV, the 1969 Mets winning the World Series, Nixon's resignation...lots of good times.
- Dr. John Becker: He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was?
- Linda: Who?
- Dr. John Becker: Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me.
- Linda: Oh, when you said young it threw me off.
- Dr. John Becker: ...everybody at Harvard used to stand in line for days to get into one of his classes
- Bob: Who said Harvard students don't know how to party?
- Dr. John Becker: I can't believe you don't remember me!
- Prof. Fowler: I tell you one thing... you're becoming impossible to forget!
- Dr. John Becker: What's new, Linda?
- Linda: A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.
- Dr. John Becker: The flower dress?
- Linda: No, worse.
- Dr. John Becker: The pants with the gold circles?
- Linda: No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.
- Dr. John Becker: Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.
- [walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']
Trials and Defibrillations
- Ruth: We need a new strategy.
- Dr. John Becker: Does it involve me taking the bailiff's gun and blasting my way out of here?
- Ruth: No, that's plan B.
- Judge Reinhold: Dr. Becker, I don't want to hear your voice again. Counselor, call your next witness.
- Ruth: [pointing to Becker] It's him.
- Melvin: And when you say Dr. Becker, who are you referring too?
- Vinny Deluca: [points to Becker] That man there.
- [courtroom gasps]
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, come on, who didn't know that already?
- [Melvin, Vinny's Lawyer asked Margaret a question after she had sworn the truth on the bible]
- Margaret: Was that a real bible?
- [talking to Becker]
- Margaret: I'm sorry, John, I have to tell the truth.
- Dr. John Becker: [pointing to the jury] You know they can hear you?
- Melvin Goaler: So you would consider yourself to be a good friend of his?
- Anita: I would say so, yes.
- Goaler: Uh, one more question, Miss Gilbert: is it true you're a prostitute?
- Anita: I don't see what that has to do with this case.
- Goaler: What's the matter? You're ashamed to admit you're a prostitute?
- Anita: No more ashamed than you should be to admit you're a lawyer!
- Goaler:[somewhat chastened] No further questions.
- Dr. John Becker: [after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] Whether or not I'm a nice guy is not on trial here! Whether or not I'm a good doctor is, and if this court can't tell the difference, then to hell with this court!
- Judge Reinhold: Doctor Becker, you are out of order!
- Dr. John Becker: [turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!
- Judge Reinhold: [bangs gavel] OK, Pacino! That's it! You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!
Another Tricky Day
- Dr. John Becker: Well, it's official. The nuts are out in full force today. You're not gonna believe this. Six o'clock in the morning, somebody knocks on my door.
- Linda: That's incredible!
- Dr. John Becker: There's more, Linda.
- Linda: Oh, good, because that part was really boring.
- Dr. John Becker: Anyway, I open the door. There's a guy asking to borrow some underwear.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Now, Linda.
- Linda: That's incredible!
- Bob: Giving a blind man a Scrabble set it cruel. It would be like buying you a fish tank. It's a total waste.
- Jake Malinak: I have a fish tank and I'll tell you why: I find the sounds of the bubbles to be very relaxing.
- Bob: Look, Jake--
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Bob.
- Bob: No, I'm telling him: You do NOT have a fish tank. What you have is a toilet that needs to be jiggled!
- Jake Malinak: Reggie?
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Once you started naming the fish, we just didn't have the heart to tell you.
- Dr. John Becker: (to two patients who tried to get drugs) Instead of getting high on drugs, why don't try getting high on life?! Oh, my god. I am officially a hundred years old.
- Margaret: (on the phone) Can you come here right away?
- Dr. John Becker: Who are you talking to?
- Margaret: (on phone) No, I don't care how much it costs.
- Dr. John Becker: Now I don't care who you're talking to. (hangs up)
- Margaret: John, that was the exterminator! I want that thing out of here!
- Dr. John Becker: Margaret, it's just a rat! Why do you hate it so much, anyway?
- Margaret: Because, when I was a child, my father bought me a little dog--
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, please, please. Is this going to be that urban legend story where the dog turns out to be a rat?
- Margaret: No. This is my sixth birthday party where my dog was EATEN by a rat!
- Dr. John Becker:... Beats pin the tail on the donkey, I guess...
- Mr. Garland: I can't believe it.
- Dr. John Becker: I know, it's a horrible mistake. I can only imagine what you've been through, you know, but the good news is you're fine.
- Mr. Garland: The hell I am! I've been living the last two weeks like I only got two weeks left to live! If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: There. Cat. I'm using the C at the end of your word, Jake.
- Jake Malinak: Which one?
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Xebec.
- Bob: I still say that's not a word.
- Jake Malinak: Bob, I told you. It's a antiquated tri-masted Mediterranean sailing vessel.
- Bob: NONE OF THOSE ARE WORDS!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: All right, smartass. It's your turn.
- Bob: Read 'em and weep. J-U-G-G-S. Juggs!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Not a word.
- Bob: Yes, it is! Jake's news stand! Magazines, top shelf!
- Jake Malinak: Forget about it, Bob. It's a proper noun. Besides, we already let you have mellons, boobs, and Hooters.
- Dr. John Becker: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think that Linda was right about all that astrology crap.
- Margaret: Oh, that's nonsense. Strange things don't happen to you because of the planets or numerology or any of that junk. If your faith in the Lord was as strong as mine, you'd know that. You lead a good life, you'd go to Heaven. If you don't, you suffer the consequences.
- Devilish-Looking Man: Excuse me.
- Margaret: (takes one look at him) Oh, sweet Jesus. Um, are you a new patient?
- Devilish-Looking Man: Yes, I am.
- Margaret: And your name is...?
- Devilish-Looking Man: I'm known by many names... Jim, James, Jimbo.
- Margaret: (to Becker) You take him, I'll get the rat.
- [After Chris turns down Bob's offer of a date]
- Bob: Wow, she's so nice!
- Jake Malinak: Bob, she blew you off.
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Yeah, she was just letting you down easy.
- Bob: That's what I mean! Usually, I just get a kick in the groin and a face-full of pepper spray!
- Dr. John Becker: [about the music one of his neighbours plays] That's not music, that's a goat sexually molesting some kind of banjo!
- [After hearing Becker is living in Bob's apartment]
- Jake Malinak: You're staying with Bob!? Is there anything you wanna talk to me about?
- Dr. John Becker: I told you, my apartment is filled with 'roaches! [shudders] Urgh, 'roaches!
- Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [shudders] Urgh, Bob!
- [Becker storms into the diner]
- Dr. John Becker: You know what I hate!?
- Jake Malinak: Who's got the list?
- [Becker receives an unusual package]
- Dr. John Becker: What the hell is this!? It's cold, it's packed in dry ice...
- Chris Connor: Maybe it's the heart you always wanted.
And The Heartbeat Goes On [5.4]
- Dr. John Becker: I never told you to shut up.
- Mr. Humphries: You hung up on me once.
- Dr. John Becker: So I didn't have to tell you to shut up.
- Mr. Humphries: Tonight, I want you to read this.
- Dr. John Becker: "10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!
- Mr. Humphries: My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.
- Dr. John Becker: "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
- Mr. Humphries: It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.
- Dr. John Becker: We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!
- Mr. Humphries: The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
- Dr. John Becker: No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!
The 100th [5.6]
- Chris Connor: You told Tony I was gay so he wouldn't be interested in me. Then you told me Tony was gay so I wouldn't be interested in him.
- Dr. John Becker: Do you think I would be capable of that?
- Chris Connor: You made up a sister named Pepper Becker!
But I've Got Friends I Haven't Used Yet [5.13]
- [Bob walks into the diner]
- Bob: You guys aren't gonna believe what just happened! I just came from the gym-
- Jake Malinak: The gym!? I thought the judge said you couldn't go back there!
- Bob: That was the old gym! Anyway, I'm standing in front of this big window, watching an abs and ass class, when suddenly, they wheel some guy by with a sheet over his head!
- Jake Malinak: Was he dead?
- Bob: [sarcastically] No, he was in a Halloween costume. Yeah, he was dead! Anway, the poor schmuck keeled over on the treadmill. [worried] He was in his thirties, just like me! I mean, you spend years building a life-wife, kids, career- then one day, it's over!
- Jake Malinak: Well, you got nothing to worry about; you got none of those things! [cackles]
- Bob: Neither do you! [Jake abruptly stops laughing]
The Pain in the Neck [5.14]
- [Bob is trying to get reparations for being 1/64th Native American]
- Bob: You people have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against!
- Jake Malinak: Yeah, I'm a blind black man, we just SAIL through life.
- Mr. Stoler: I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in.
- Dr. John Becker: Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!
- Mr. Stoler: Don't doctors think they have all the answers?
- Dr. John Becker: I *do* have all the answers!
The Job [5.16]
- Linda: I was right. He's [Becker's] a junkie.
- Dr. John Becker: Who the hell is this?
- Linda Oops. Wrong number.
What's Love Got To Do With It?
- Chris Connor: Just to set the record straight, I don't love you!
- Dr John Becker: Well I don't love you! I don't even know what made me think I could like you: you're so cute and sweet and nice and perky!
- Chris Connor: Well it's better than being a cranky old fart!
- Dr John Becker: I'm not cranky! There are just certain things that irritate me!
- Chris Connor: Yeah, everything irritates you! You wouldn't know happiness if it bit you in the ass!
- Dr John Becker: Oh why don't you bite me in the ass!?
- Chris Connor: Oh, why don't you bite yourself in the ass!? Your head's right there, anyway!
- Dr John Becker: [outraged] Just go away, would you!?
- Chris Connor: Ah, I'm going! Goodnight!
- Dr John Becker: Good night!
- Chris Connor: [stutters angrily] GOOD NIGHT!
- Dr John Becker: YOU WANNA HAVE DINNER WITH ME SOMETIME!?
- Chris Connor: I'D LOVE TO!
- [Becker walks into Ming's Chinese restaurant]
- Dr John Becker: Hey, Ming! How's it going, buddy?
- Bill: Becker, there are 5,000 Chinese restaurants in this town. You wanna be a buddy, try one of them!
- Dr John Becker: Nice attitude there. Is that how you treat all your good customers?
- Bill: When you come in at 5:59 just to get the 'Early Bird Special', and then use so many coupons I end up owing you money, you're not a good customer, you're a pain in my ass!
- Jake: I told you I don't wanna sell these.
- Hector: You're not, they're selling themselves.
- Jake: Get rid of them.
- Hector: You don't want me to do that. Look how much money you made.
- [Hector hands a big wad of money to Jake]
- Jake: Hey, you know, I don't care. Listen, what I have on display up here reflects who I am, all right? And I want this to be one corner of the world where decent people can by and not be offended. So unwrap these magazines and put 'em down there.
- Hector: What about your "corner of the world"?
- Jake: Oh, my corner of the world is still gonna be pure. However, down there in Porn Town, that's where Jake pays the rent.
The Unbelievable Wrongness of Talking
- Dana: What do you have against the New York City Marathon?
- Dr. John Becker: The Marathon just gets my hopes up. At first it seems like 20,000 idiots are leaving the city, but then they just make a big loop and come right back.
Chock Full 'O Nuts
- Dr. John Becker: Look, someone in your department shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood and threw everyone out into the street. Now I'm here because I want something done about it!
- Deputy Secretary: Wow. You sound pretty upset.
- Dr. John Becker: Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround.
- Deputy Secretary: Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that.
- Dr. John Becker: At least you see that.
- Deputy Secretary: Well of course I do!
- Dr. John Becker: Then you'll help me?
- Deputy Secretary: Oh dear no.
- Dr. John Becker: ...Well, maybe you didn't understand me...
- Deputy Secretary: No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action.
- Dr. John Becker: Exactly!
- Deputy Secretary: It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! What was that, righteous indignation? I used to feel like that when I first started working here forty-two years ago.
- Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well - you've been in this office forty-two years?
- Deputy Secretary: Yeah. Same desk, same fake plant, same window. Doesn't open. None of them do. Otherwise we'd all jump out. But you were saying?
- Dr. John Becker: Look, I told you! Either reopen the facility, or make some arrangements to take care of these people!
- Deputy Secretary: And I told you, I can't help.
- Dr. John Becker: But you're the deputy secretary of social services!
- Deputy Secretary: It's just a title.
- Dr. John Becker: Dammit! Look, listen - you're in charge here, you're responsible, you work for the city!
- Deputy Secretary: You're not listening! I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why: there is no money! There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water and crappy schools which will turn out another generation of voters too stupid and greedy to care about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem, because there's not a DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!... Where did that come from?
- Old woman: He would have been 40 today.
- Becker: Who? Who would have been 40?
- Old woman: My son...
- Patient: [guest star Mary Steenburgen, Ted Danson's real-life wife] You arrogant bastard, if I say I know the Roosevelts, I know the Roosevelts.
- [leaves the office]
- Dr. John Becker: I pity the poor bastard who's married to her.