- Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
- Hey, these aren't my rules! Come to think of it, I don't have any rules!
- I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
- YOU BUNCHA LOSERS!!! YOU'RE WORKING WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE!!! (kicks over a tree; quietly observes it for a moment) NICE FUCKING MODEL!!! (grabs his crotch and squeezes it twice with a bike horn sound)
- And that, is why I won't do two shows a night anymore babe, I won't.
- Well...what do we got here tonight, kids? [Sees the Maitlands] Oooo, well, we got the, uh, Maitlands. Uh, I think, uh, they've had enough "exorcise" for tonight. [Mimes a golf swing, the Maitlands collapse]
- [To Otho] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs.
- We come for your daughter, Chuck.
- Nobody says the "B" word.
- It's showtime.
- Ah, well, I've attended Julliard, I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School, I travel quite extensively, I lived through the Black Plague and I had a pretty good time during that, I've seen The Exorcist about 167 times, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! You think I'm qualified?
- [After his head spins] Don't you hate it when that happens?
- I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow, so come on down and I'll... Chew on a dog! (howls)
- [About her stepmother, Delia] She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
- My whole life is a darkroom. [Slowly, for effect] One. Big. Dark. Room.
- I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!
- Don't mind her. She's still upset that someone dropped a house on her sister.
- Delia: I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?
- Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
- Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?
- Charles: Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
- Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.
- Delia: So you were miserable in the city, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
- Adam: What are your qualifications?
- Betelgeuse: [refined voice] Ah, well... I attended Julliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 times, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm "qualified"?
- Adam: No, what I meant is, can you be scary?
- Betelgeuse: Oh! Well, pardon me for asking. Gotta be scary...Whaddaya think of this?
- (shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)
- Betelgeuse: [back to normal] You like it?
- Dumb Football Player #1: Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?
- Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived.
- Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
- Juno: Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
- [they come back into the office later]
- Dumbest Football Player: Coach?
- Juno: What?
- Dumbest Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.
- Juno: How did you guess?
- In This House... If You've Seen One Ghost... You Haven't Seen Them All.
- Michael Keaton — Betelgeuse (pronounced as "Beetlejuice" by other characters)
- Alec Baldwin — Adam Maitland
- Geena Davis — Barbara Maitland
- Winona Ryder — Lydia Deetz
- Catherine O'Hara — Delia Deetz
- Jeffrey Jones — Charles Deetz
- Glenn Shadix — Otho
- Sylvia Sidney — Juno
- Dick Cavett — Bernard