[reading obituary] Ooh-la-la, what have we got here? The Maitlands. [laughs] Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too! [more laughing]
Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
Hey, these aren't my rules! Come to think of it, I don't have any rules!
I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
YOU BUNCHA LOSERS!!! YOU'RE WORKING WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE!!!(kicks over a tree; quietly observes it for a moment)NICE FUCKING MODEL!!!(grabs his crotch and squeezes it twice with a bike horn sound)
Attention, K-Mart shoppers!
And that, is why I won't do two shows a night anymore babe, I won't.
Well...what do we got here tonight, kids? [Sees the Maitlands] Oooo, well, we got the, uh, Maitlands. Uh, I think, uh, they've had enough "exorcise" for tonight. [Mimes a golf swing, the Maitlands collapse]
[To Otho] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs!
We come for your daughter, Chuck.
Nobody says the "B" word.
[calmly] Ah, well, I attended Juilliard, I am a graduate of the Harvard Business School, I travel quite extensively, I lived through the Black Plague and I had a pretty good time during that, [getting aggressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES,AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY!NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?![calmly] You think I'm qualified?
[After his head spins] Don't you hate it when that happens?
I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow, so come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! (howls)
Delia: I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?
Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?
Charles: Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.
Delia: So you were miserable in the city, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
Lydia: [On the new house] Delia hates it. [sees a huge spider on a web] I could live here.
Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Go help your mother.
Lydia: Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
Juno: What's wrong?
Barbara: We're very unhappy.
Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.
Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
Adam: We're ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren't you scared?
Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia: Of course I can see you.
Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
Adam: You've read our book?
Adam: You can follow it?
Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.
Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Adam: For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: [refined voice] Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY![screams]NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?![quietly] You think I'm qualified?
Adam: Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?
Beetlejuice: Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?
(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)
Beetlejuice: [back to normal] You like it?
Dumb Football Player #1: Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?
Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived.
Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
Juno: Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
[they come back into the office later]
Dumbest Football Player: Coach?
Dumbest Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.
Juno: How did you guess?
Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
Otho: Why not?
Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Lydia: Are you a ghost too?
Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe. [Gets up from his lounge chair] Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, 'cause I gotta tell you: this dead thing is- [Picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and but it's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering could you help me get out of here?
I wanted him to be pure electricity, that’s why the hair just sticks out,” Keaton said. “At my house I started creating a walk and a voice. I got some teeth. I wanted to be scary in the look and then use the voice to add a dash of goofiness that, in a way, would make it even scarier. I wanted something kind of moldy to it, too. Tim had the striped-suit idea and we added the big eyes. I think that movie will go forever because it’s 100% original.