Bicentennial Man (film)
Bicentennial Man is a 1999 film directed by Chris Columbus and starring Robin Williams and Sam Neill. The film was based on the novella of the same name by acclaimed science fiction author Isaac Asimov.
- [after learning the fate of most sperm cells] They die? One feels badly for them.
- [while continuously telling the family jokes] Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it! What is a brunette between two blondes? A translator! Do you know why blind people don't like to sky-dive? It scares their dogs! A man with dementia is driving on the freeway. His wife calls him on the mobile phone and says "Sweetheart, I heard there's someone driving the wrong way on the freeway." He says "One? There's hundreds!" What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts. It must have been an engineer who designed the human body. Who else would put a waste processing plant next to a recreation area? A woman goes into a doctor's office, and the doctor says "Do you mind if I numb your breasts?" "Not at all." *makes 'motor-boating' noise. "Num-num-num-num."
- [after young Lloyd pours sand on Andrew] One understands why some animals eat their young.
- One has studied your history. Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea, freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
- I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
- Do you know what it feels like to be in love with someone that is about to marry someone else?
- [on sex] It all sounds so very... messy.
- [repeated line] One is glad to be of service.
- [to Portia] Will you perform an experiment just for the sake of science? Kiss me!!!
Sir (Ricky Martin)
- You're a unique robot, Andrew. I feel a responsibility to help you become - whatever you're able to be.
- Andrew, People grow through time, then for you, time is a completely different proposition, for you, time is endless.
- Andrew... You just stopped referring to yourself as "one".
Little Miss (Amanda Martin)
- I have a friend who is very special to me. He's sweet and exceptionally intelligent, but, well - he's not really a - I mean, a relationship between us would be impossible. It would never, could never, work out.
- I like you. I even understand you some of the time. But I'm not about to invest my emotions in a machine.
- What's right for most people in most situations isn't right for everyone in every situation! Real morality lies in following one's own heart.
- But if this really works between us? You and I will never be accepted. We can't be married or anything.
- I think personality is much more important than intelligence, don't you?
- Every day it’s ‘Yes Rupert Sir’, ‘No Rupert Sir’, ‘Can I get you another beverage Rupert Sir?!’ And it CHAPS MY ASS!!!
- As the great Andrew Martin once said "One is glad to be of service".
- President Marjorie Bota: According to the records at the NorthAm Robotics Company, the robot also known as Andrew Martin, was powered up at 5:15 pm on April 3rd, 2005. In a few hours, he'll be 200 years old, which means that with the exception of Methuselah and other biblical names, Andrew is the oldest living human in recorded history. For it is by this proclamation, I validate his marriage to Portia Charney, and acknowledge his humanity.
- Lloyd Charney: [to Little Miss about Andrew] Mother! I will not apologise to it!
- Rupert Burns: You see, imperfection is the key. Imperfections make us individuals, that's what makes us unique. See my nose, how it is all bulbous and pock marked, well, I am the only one with my nose.
- Sir: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Andrew: One does not know, sir, possibly a predator was behind the chicken, or possibly there was a female chicken on the other of the road, if it's a male chicken. Possibly a food source, or depending on the season it might be migrating. One hopes there's no traffic.
Sir: To get to the other side.
Andrew: To get to the other side. Ah, why is that funny?
- [after Little Miss's wedding]
Andrew: Sir, is everything all right?
Sir: Umm. They've both gone now, Andrew. Well, things change, things always change. People move on. It's as it should be. But, what I realized today is that I'll never stop missing them.
Andrew: Sir? One is still here.
Sir: And one is glad of that Andrew. Thank you.
- Portia: It couldn’t be more clear if you spit in my face.
Andrew Martin: I can’t. I don’t have a Mucous gland.
- Rupert Burns: What do they say?
Andrew Martin: That you can lose yourself. Everything. All boundaries. All time. That two bodies can become so mixed up, that you don't know who's who or what's what. And just when the sweet confusion is so intense you think you're gonna die... you kind of do. Leaving you alone in your separate body, but the one you love is still there. That's a miracle. You can go to heaven and come back alive. You can go back anytime you want with the one you love.
Rupert Burns: And you want to experience that?
Andrew Martin: Oh, yes, please.
Rupert Burns: So do I.
- President Marjorie Bota: Andrew Martin
Andrew Martin: I've always tried to make sense of things. There must be some reason I am as I am. As you can see, Madame Chairman, I am no longer immortal.
President Marjorie Bota: You have arranged to die?
Andrew Martin: In a sense I have. I am growing old, my body is deteriorating, and like all of you, will eventually cease to function. As a robot, I could have lived forever. But I tell you all today, I would rather die a man, than live for all eternity a machine.
President Marjorie Bota: Why do you want this?
Andrew Martin: To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition. This has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die with dignity.
President Marjorie Bota: Mister Martin, what you are asking for is extremely complex and controversial. It will not be an easy decision. I must ask for your patience while I take the necessary time to make a determination of this extremely delicate matter.
Andrew Martin: And I await your decision, Madame Chairman, thank-you for your patience. [turns to Portia and whispers] I tried.
- [Immediately following the death of "Little Miss"]
Andrew Martin: Will every human being that I care for just... leave?
Portia: I'm afraid so...
Andrew Martin: That won't do.
- [last lines]
Galatea In the words of the great Andrew Martin, "One is glad to be of service".
Portia: [looking to Andrew] See you soon.
- Robin Williams ... Andrew Martin
- Embeth Davidtz ... 'Little Miss' Amanda Martin / Portia Charney
- Sam Neill ... 'Sir' Ricky Martin
- Oliver Platt ... Rupert Burns
- Kiersten Warren ... Galatea
- Wendy Crewson ... 'Ma'am' Rachael Martin
- Hallie Kate Eisenberg ... Little Miss Amanda Martin - Age 7
- Lindze Letherman ... 'Miss' Grace Martin - Age 9
- Angela Landis ... 'Miss' Grace Martin
- John Michael Higgins ... Bill Feingold - Martin's Lawyer
- Bradley Whitford ... Lloyd Charney
- Igor Hiller ... Lloyd Charney - Age 10
- Stephen Root ... Dennis Mansky - Head of NorthAm Robotics
- Scott Waugh ... Motorcycle Punk
- Quinn Smith ... Frank Charney
One robot's 200 year journey to become an ordinary man.