The Big Bang Theory

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The Big Bang Theory (2007–) is an American television show, airing on CBS, centering on the lives of two physicists and their neighbor, an aspiring actress and waitress at The Cheesecake Factory. Created by the creators of Two and a Half Men and Dharma & Greg.


Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Sheldon: [about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon: Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.
Penny: Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

The Big Bran Hypothesis [1.02][edit]

[Discussing a large box of furniture which they have to take to the fourth floor, with the elevator out of order]
Leonard: Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could move the earth.
[The package starts to fall on him]
Leonard: I don't have this! I don't have this! I DO NOT HAVE THIS!
[Sheldon lifts the package off him]
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard: Well, do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.

Sheldon: O Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

The Fuzzy Boots Corollary [1.03][edit]

Leonard: Hello, Leslie.
Leslie: Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: I'd like to propose an experiment...
Leslie: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.
Leonard: I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie: What sort of experiment?
Leonard: There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.
Leslie: Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean kiss you now?
Leslie: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie: Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?

Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Raj: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot.

The Luminous Fish Effect [1.04][edit]

Sheldon: I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at grease boards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.

Mrs. Cooper: [in trying to get Sheldon to go apologize to his boss Dr. Gablehauzer] Now listen here, Sheldon, I've been telling you since you were five years old, it's okay to be smarter than everyone else, but you can't go around pointing it out!
Sheldon: Why not?
Mrs. Cooper: [sternly] Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you used to get from the neighbor kids? Are you ready? Get your shoes, shirt and let's shove off!
Sheldon: [in a defeated tone of voice] There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death-ray would've worked.

The Hamburger Postulate [1.05][edit]

Leonard: What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?
Sheldon: Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"
Leonard: If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."
Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think?
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.

Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

The Middle-Earth Paradigm [1.06][edit]

[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]
Kurt: So what are you, a zebra?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.

Leonard: [To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: [Confused] What?

The Dumpling Paradox [1.07][edit]

Leonard: [seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is] What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal…
Leonard: You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.

The Grasshopper Experiment [1.08][edit]

Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: Okay, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it Diet?
Penny: [sighs] There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?
Penny: [holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little bit slutty.
Leonard: [excited] You didn't!
Penny: Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization [1.09][edit]

Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
Raj: The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!
Howard: I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...
Leonard: Shut up, Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No, we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

The Loobenfeld Decay [1.10][edit]

Sheldon: I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon: I was not aware of that.
Leonard: Now you are.
Sheldon: Oh. Alright. Leonard?
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.

Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log onto forward / activities forward / other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

The Pancake Batter Anomaly [1.11][edit]

Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Argh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.

Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

The Jerusalem Duality [1.12][edit]

Sheldon: 15 years old—Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to—you know—that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri.
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.

Sheldon: Engineering—where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa-Loompas of science.

The Bat Jar Conjecture [1.13][edit]

Sheldon: At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team, and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. [starts to leave] One more thing.
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch.

Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [looks terrified] Leslie Winkle!
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle! The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?"
Sheldon: Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Leslie: [sarcastically] Ooooh... ouch.

The Nerdvana Annihilation [1.14][edit]

Penny: [to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts...

[Penny comes out to investigate the gang's commotion in the hallway, when Leonard is threatening to throw out his old collectibles]
Penny: What the hell's going on?
Sheldon: [Pointing his plastic sword at her accusingly] You hypocrite!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Little miss "Grown-ups don't play with toys." [gestures behind her] If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? [Bends to mockingly address the character] Hello, Hello Kitty!

The Pork Chop Indeterminacy [1.15][edit]

Leonard: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?

[Missy is leaving and Sheldon is saying goodbye to her.]
Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. [Puts his hand out for her to shake]
Missy: Come on, Shelly. [Gives him a hug, which Sheldon does as well.]
Missy: I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: Yep. I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother, the Rocket Scientist.
[Sheldon looks in disbelief]
Sheldon: You tell people I'm a Rocket Scientist?!
Missy: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: I'm a theoretical physicist.
Missy: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?!
Missy: Goodbye, Shelly.
Sheldon: My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge! Rocket Scientist, how humiliating!

The Peanut Reaction [1.16][edit]

Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
Sheldon: It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...
Penny: Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!
Howard: Actually, that was last year...

Penny: [on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: [long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar with peanuts, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

The Tangerine Factor [1.17][edit]

Leonard: [while Howard is teaching Sheldon Mandarin] Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.
[Penny comes in with an iPod in her hand.]
Penny: I need to use your window.
Leonard: Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.
Penny: [opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] HEY JERKFACE, YOU FORGOT YOUR IPOD!
Leonard: [as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?
Penny: Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] DROP DEAD, YOU STUPID, SELF-CENTERED BASTARD! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]
Sheldon: [after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?
Howard: [going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.

[Leonard Knocking on Penny's door]
Leonard: Penny, are you okay?
Penny: [voice off] I’m fine, Leonard, just go away.
Leonard: Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful--.
Penny: GO AWAY!
Leonard: Okay, feel better, bye. [Goes back to apartment] She doesn’t want to talk.
Sheldon: Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centered in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. [Leonard stares at him] Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk.

Season 2[edit]

The Bad Fish Paradigm [2.01][edit]

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?
Sheldon: Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh, well, there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.
Howard: Some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I’m going to pack.
Howard: That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard: It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
Raj: Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the 'T' in "often"?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard: I didn’t do anything, he's just gone insane.
Howard: Well, we all knew this day was coming.
[Sheldon reappears with his bag packed]
Leonard: That was fast.
Sheldon: It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.

The Codpiece Topology [2.02][edit]

Leonard: Whoa, I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle... [long pause indicating the end of the counting]
Sheldon: Notify the editors of The Oxford English Dictionary: The word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".

Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.

The Barbarian Sublimation [2.03][edit]

Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work...and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that, too.
Leonard: Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.
Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did! I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter, I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone"! I don't know what else to do!
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Sheldon: I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with!
Leonard: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy, fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I'll go talk to her!

[Sheldon is talking to a potential mate for Penny]
Sheldon: Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
Blaine: No?
Sheldon: Would you like to be?
[Leonard and Leslie look shocked and amused as they realize what's happening]
Blaine: Uh... Sure, why not?
Leonard: Sheldon -
Sheldon: [silences him] Can I have your phone number?
Blaine: [looks him up and down] Err... Yeah.
[A little too eagerly, he grabs Sheldon's hand and writes his number on his palm]

The Griffin Equivalency [2.04][edit]

Gablehauser: Hello, boys.
Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz.

Raj: Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard: They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard: Not yet.
Raj: Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I’m finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Almost.
Raj: Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj: Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon: There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)

The Euclid Alternative [2.05][edit]

[Sheldon is trying Howard's driving simulator - with disastrous results]
Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
Sheldon: I don't know, I was on the Pasadena Freeway, missed my exit, flew off the overpass and... one thing led to another.
[Screeching tires are heard from the simulator, followed by a crash and barking and meowing]
Leonard: Awwwwww, the pet store...
Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.

Penny: You know, I gotta ask; why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in N = 4 Supersymmetric Theories, leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of Multi-loop N = 8 Supergravity using modern Twistor Theory.
Penny: Well, how about when you were 17?

The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem [2.06][edit]

Sheldon: Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Leonard: Oh, good God.
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? [No one in the classroom says anything] Of course not. I weep for the future of science; now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard. [leaves]
Leonard: [referring to his earlier failed experiment] Laser demonstration's looking pretty good now, huh?

Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask — what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls...? Guys...? Sock puppets...?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

The Panty Piñata Polarization [2.07][edit]

[the guys are playing Klingon Boggle]
Howard: I have "chor" [Klingon for "belly"]
Sheldon and Raj: Got it.
Howard: "neHmaH" [Klingon for "neutral zone"]
Sheldon and Raj: Yep.
Howard: And "Kreplach".
Raj: Hold on a second, "Kreplach"?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for a meat-filled dumpling!
Howard: Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Leonard: Really? Define it.
Howard: Kreplach: a hearty, Klingon... dumpling.
Raj: Judge's ruling?
Sheldon: [makes thumbs-down gesture] bIlughbe' [Klingon for "you are not right"]

Raj: We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

The Lizard-Spock Expansion [2.08][edit]

Sheldon: Oh, look! Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, 5 is partway between 3 and... never mind.
Raj: I'll tell you what. How about we go 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of 'Rock-Paper-Scissors', players familiar with each other will tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock'.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Look -- Scissors cuts Paper, Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, Rock crushes Scissors.
Raj: Okay. I think I got it.
Sheldon and Raj: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! [both play Spock and groan in frustration]

Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Leonard: Well, I wanna watch it now.
Sheldon: Then I believe we've arrived at another quintessential 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock' moment.
[Sheldon holds up his fist in preparation to play]
Leonard: Watch whatever you want. [gives Sheldon the remote]
Raj: I saw what you did there.
Sheldon: [confused] What'd I do?

The White Asparagus Triangulation [2.09][edit]

Sheldon: [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard!
Leonard: What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here. [points to his laptop screen]
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now where it should say "in a relationship", what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship. I am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!

[Sheldon is discussing Leonard's failed relationships with Penny]
Sheldon: So what is the "down" and the "low", and don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
Penny: We never got to the bedroom.
Sheldon: Because...?
Penny: Okay, alright, you know what? I'll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?!

The Vartabedian Conundrum [2.10][edit]

Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Leonard: Oh, come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over! How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.

Leonard: Some mornings, I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.
Sheldon: What could I have possibly done to insult Mrs. Vartabedian?

The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis [2.11][edit]

Leonard: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is...what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry, sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. I'm sorr-- oh, that's terrible!

[Penny knocks on the door]
Penny: Merry Christmas!
Leonard: Merry Christmas!
Penny: How's your leg?
Leonard: Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
Sheldon: Oh, good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: [handing Sheldon his present] Okay, here.
Sheldon: Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
Penny: Turn it over!
Sheldon: [becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy."
Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: [gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well... [looks toward Leonard then back to Sheldon] yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
Sheldon: [visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

The Killer Robot Instability [2.12][edit]

Sheldon: [trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!

Leonard: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry Kripke: What's wwong with him?
Raj: He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
Barry: We'we aww pathetic and cweepy and can't get giwws. That's why we fight wobots. If you'we not thewe, you'ww be exposed to widicule.
Raj: [addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?

The Friendship Algorithm [2.13][edit]

Raj: Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
Howard: [deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard: [playing along] Aaah... No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
Sheldon: [desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Raj: Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
Leonard: [smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
Sheldon: [very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: [continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!

Penny: What about Howard and Raj, how did [Sheldon] become friends with them?
Leonard: I don't know... how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well, yeah, sure, when you put it that way.

The Financial Permeability [2.14][edit]

Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.

Penny: Oh, Leonard. If we moved in together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting classes were a waste of money.

The Maternal Capacitance [2.15][edit]

Sheldon: [about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Leonard: Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
Beverly: I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Awwww…

Leonard: [attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It's just temporary. I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?

The Cushion Saturation [2.16][edit]

Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be [0,0,0,0].

Leonard: Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.

The Terminator Decoupling [2.17][edit]

Howard: [about Summer Glau] I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: [short pause] My money's on tuck and roll.

Penny: [going through a box to find Sheldon's USB] Okay, I've got a box, but there's no key in here. Just letters.
Sheldon: [edgy] That's the wrong box. Put it back.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Sheldon: Don't read those letters!
Penny: Oh, look! She calls you Moon Pie! That is so cute!

The Work Song Nanocluster [2.18][edit]

Howard: Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess...
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.

Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.

The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition [2.19][edit]

Sheldon: You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
Howard: Alright, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So there is a number?
Penny: Okay, new topic, please.

[Upon hearing that Leonard, Wolowitz, and Raj are upstairs in the new girl's apartment]
Penny: Typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.
Penny: [referring to his earlier impersonation of Admiral Ackbar] Okay, now I see the squid head.

The Hofstadter Isotope [2.20][edit]

Sheldon: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right, then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard: When did you pick up on that?
Sheldon: A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.

Sheldon: I've spent the last 3 hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chat room and I need your help.
Stuart: Ohm yeah, those guys can be very stubborn, what's the topic?
Sheldon: I am asserting: in the event that Batman's death proves permanent, the original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Batcowl.
Stuart: Ooh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: "More wrong"? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is; it's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.

The Vegas Renormalization [2.21][edit]

Sheldon: You know... I’m given to understand that there’s an entire city in Nevada… designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems... and replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Raj: Is it me... or is that Sheldon’s way of saying "Vegas Baby"?

Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?

The Classified Materials Turbulence [2.22][edit]

Sheldon: [after Leonard refuses to check a message from Stuart, assuming it's about Penny] You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.

Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart: [bewildered] I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.

The Monopolar Expedition [2.23][edit]

Howard: You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?
Leonard: Yes!
Howard: [incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!

[After Leonard asks why Penny gave him an unusually long hug]
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you; it was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: Okay, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Bye. [closes her door and sighs] It means I wish you weren't going.

Season 3[edit]

The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation [3.01][edit]

Sheldon: No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. [lowers his voice] No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.

Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mrs. Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: [to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.
[Sheldon leaves to pack]
Mrs. Cooper: [smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

The Jiminy Conjecture [3.02][edit]

[After the guys hear a cricket and Sheldon says its a snowy tree cricket based on the chirps]
Howard: I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.

Howard: [checking an encyclopedia] Right here. See it? The common field cricket, a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it. You lose."
Sheldon: Hang on. [Finds another page] Voila. The Snowy Tree Cricket, a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is Nihil exsorbibo.

The Gothowitz Deviation [3.03][edit]

Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few of them I'm a clown made of candy, but I don't dance.

[after several scenes where Penny does something of which Sheldon approves, and gets a piece of chocolate in return]
Leonard: Okay. I see what you're doing.
Sheldon: Really.
Leonard: Yes. You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.
Sheldon: Very good! Chocolate? [while offering the box to Leonard]
Leonard: No! [moves away]

The Pirate Solution [3.04][edit]

Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this-- why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!

Raj: [After Sheldon offers him a job] Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple, and then die a slow agonizing death from viral infection, than work with you.
Sheldon: For me.

The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary [3.05][edit]

[Howard's phone rings]
Howard: Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette: Are you going answer it?
Howard: I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voice-mail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard: Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette: Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?
Howard: You live with your mother?
Bernadette: No. That's the sad part.
Howard: Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette: That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]
Howard: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette: I'd love some!
Howard: Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard: It's a date.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?

Sheldon: [after winning a card game match in a tournament] Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! [he looks at where Wil Wheaton and Stuart are playing their own match] bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.

The Cornhusker Vortex [3.06][edit]

Sheldon: Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

Leonard: [watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

The Guitarist Amplification [3.07][edit]

[Howard and Raj are fighting. Eventually, Sheldon loses his cool]
Sheldon: Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!"
"Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
"Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!"
"I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" [Sheldon storms out]
Howard: Boy, what got him so upset?
Raj: Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.

Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.
Sheldon: I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Penny: There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.
Sheldon: Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?
Leonard: Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
Stuart: [walking by] I'd let it go.
Leonard: Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.
[Sheldon turns on another robot]
Penny: Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.
Penny: You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?
Sheldon: I want that one. [points to the toy robot held by Leonard]
Penny: Okay, we'll buy you that one.
Leonard: Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book, too?
Penny: [mom-like tone and face] Yes, you can. [Sheldon runs off]

The Adhesive Duck Deficiency [3.08][edit]

Sheldon: The 'Check Engine' light is on; we need to find a service station.
Penny: No, the light's been on since I bought the car.
Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!
Penny: It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's 'Check Engine' light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!

Sheldon: According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: Alright, and how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: [writing] Cause of accident - lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to 'yes'.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh, Next question!
Sheldon: I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioral diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Penny: Oh, my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?!
Sheldon: [Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon: Possible Tourettes.

The Vengeance Formulation [3.09][edit]

Sheldon: [about his appearance on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.

Howard: I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Howard: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.

The Gorilla Experiment [3.10][edit]

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid.
Sheldon: Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

[Penny starts her first Physics class & that with Sheldon so she can take an interest in Leonard's job. Sheldon gives an insight of her in an ancient Greek city]
Sheldon: It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer.
[Penny puts her hand up]
Sheldon: Yes, Penny.
Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?
Sheldon: This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Penny: 2,600 years?
Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?
Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2,600 years...
Sheldon: Alright, go then.
[Penny goes off and Sheldon goes to his computer]
Sheldon: [voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.

The Maternal Congruence [3.11][edit]

Sheldon: I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz-kill that was.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat—a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard: (singing) Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: [after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling across my chest.
Penny: That'll be the Del Taco.
Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head on his bedroom door?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of warm feelings, come here! (kisses Sheldon square on the lips) Nah, I'd rather have the busboy.

The Psychic Vortex [3.12][edit]

[Howard enters Leonard's laboratory to mock him for his unsuccessful date the previous evening]
Howard: Hey.
Leonard: [handing him a pair of glasses] Laser.
Howard: Had a great night last night. I don't like to kiss and tell, but... [puts glasses on] somebody made it to eighth base!
Leonard: The hell is eighth base?
Howard: Seventh base with shirt off. Well... My shirt. How'd things go with Penny?
Leonard: [sarcastically] Oh, yes... Couldn't be better.
[He fires up the laser, igniting a Cylon action figure in its path and startling Howard]
Howard: Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard: [extinguishing the fire] It's not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Howard: Alright. I was gonna try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later, when you don't have a high-power weapon.
Leonard: How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Howard: Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
Leonard: And that didn't bother you?
Howard: Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
Leonard: What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard: Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Leonard: Do me a favor. [points to the area in front of the laser] lean over and put your head right here.
Howard: Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
Leonard: What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
Howard: I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]
Leonard: What is that?
Howard: Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.

Raj: Okay, let's check out the females.
Sheldon: Alright, there's a female.
Raj: That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!
Sheldon: But she's female, isn't that the game?
Raj: No, I'm looking for a hookup.
Sheldon: Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.
Raj: Not so loud, but ideally yes.
Sheldon: And what is my function as wingman?
Raj: You help me run my game.
Sheldon: Alright, and what is your game?
Raj: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
[Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]
Abby: Hey, that's pretty cool, what is it?
Sheldon: It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
Abby: [laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.
Sheldon: I'm Sheldon.
Raj: How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
Abby: Hey Raj, where are you from?
Raj: The mysterious, sub-continent of India.
Abby: Ooh, India.
Raj: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]
Abby: Hey, Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.
Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]
Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.
Sheldon: Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?

The Bozeman Reaction [3.13][edit]

Sheldon: Oh, Lord, they re-did the menu.
Leonard: So what, it's the same food.
Sheldon: Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.
Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
Sheldon: So? Did the chef lose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with "mobster sauce". What is "mobster sauce"?
Leonard: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!
Leonard: Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?
Sheldon: Good idea. We'll go to Corleone’s.
Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.

Sheldon: The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.
Leonard: [impatient] Why not?
Sheldon: It's listed under seafood.

The Einstein Approximation [3.14][edit]

[after Penny and Leonard slipped on marbles that Sheldon has spread across the floor]
Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
Bernadette: With marbles?
Sheldon: I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.
Bernadette: [making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
Sheldon: [looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.
Bernadette: Which leads to...?
Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.
Bernadette: Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
Sheldon: [in a childish manner] ...But I don't wanna go to bed.
Bernadette: [firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One...
Sheldon: [exasperated] Oh, alright! [leaves]
Leonard: [shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
Bernadette: I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal day-care center in our basement.

Penny: [at the restaurant] What are you doing here?
Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, "What is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable?" and three answers came to mind: tollbooth attendant, Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius", here I am.
Penny: So that's it? You just walked in and they hired you? Just like that?
Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no! Since I don't have to be paid, I didn't have to be hired. I just walked in, picked up a tray, and started working for the Man.

The Large Hadron Collision [3.15][edit]

Leonard: [About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one... asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves... oh, that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?
Raj: Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.
Leonard: No, that's not was I was going to say.
Raj: It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.
Leonard: That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?
Sheldon: Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.
Leonard: Actually, he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.
Howard: I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.
Raj: The big-boobed weather girl from Channel 2?
Howard: That's the one.
Leonard: Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!
Sheldon: In Switzerland or on the big-boobed weather girl?

Leonard: [Who is trying to cheer up Sheldon] I have an idea, why don't we play one of your car games.
Sheldon: Alright, this game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures and you will name them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Do you really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You're right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did. Okay, round two. Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch,
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they canceled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

The Excelsior Acquisition [3.16][edit]

Penny: Well, here we are.
Sheldon: Oh, my, we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: First we were at Stan Lee's curb, than we were at Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door. We're going to have milk and cookies with Stan Lee. [Penny rings the doorbell]
Penny: Okay, sweetie I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi so let me do the talking and... [Stan Lee comes out]
Stan Lee: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Aw, damn.
Penny: Hi, I'm Penny and this is my friend Sheldon...
Sheldon: We're not friends at the moment. It depends on how this goes.
Penny: Anyway, Sheldon is a huge fan and he was supposed to be at your signing but he kind of, ended up in jail, so we got your address and...
Stan Lee: Wait, so you just decided to come to my house, uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we were invited.
Penny: No Sheldon, I said, I'm inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee's house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. You think you can just ring by doorbell anytime you want? [Sarcastically] I mean why don't you just come in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: [comes inside] Well, I’m not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
Penny: I'm sorry. He doesn't really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well, I’ll give him something he’ll understand. Joanie, call the police!

[Sheldon comes in the apartment]
Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee, and gotten autographed comics, but I got to see the inside of his house, and got a signed form for a restraining order from him.
Howard: Sweet?
Sheldon: Plus I get to hang out with him again, at the hearing. [Walks off to his room] This will look great next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

The Precious Fragmentation [3.17][edit]

Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon: "Who's Adam West"?! Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
Howard: My guess is "Hey, four minutes! New record!"

Sheldon: Waterfalls!
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Waterfalls, crashing waves, babbling brooks.
Howard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets, leaky gutter, peeing.
Raj: It's not working, dude.
Sheldon: Oh, it's working, alright. I have to pee.
Raj: Then let go of the ring and go.
Howard: Well, actually I wouldn't mind going either.
Raj: Well, on the count of three. 1, 2...
Sheldon: Wait, just to be clear. When we get to three, do we stand up? Or do we pee?
Howard: We stand up.
Sheldon: Excellent choice.
Raj: 3.
Howard: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.

The Pants Alternative [3.18][edit]

Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier. Since I'm Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Howard: Oh, that's not a good name.

Raj: [teaching Sheldon how to calm himself with meditation] Okay, Sheldon, imagine the place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sheldon: Sim City. In particular, the Sim city I designed: Sheldonopolis.
Raj: Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis,
Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the fighting Sheldons?
Raj: Whatever you like.
Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Raj: Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy.
Raj: Then put on a sweater.
Sheldon: I suppose I could run downtown and pick something up at Shel-Mart.
Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Sheldon: Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
Raj: Alright. You've paid for a sweater and you're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. [He does so] Oh, no!
Raj: What now?
Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me! If the children can't run, leave them behind! Oh, the simulated horror! [Raj leaves and slams the door. Sheldon opens his eyes] Raj? [To himself] Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

The Wheaton Recurrence [3.19][edit]

Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash-talk for the occasion. Ahem... You bowl like your momma! [short pause] Unless she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh. Ouch.
Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.

Sheldon: Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]
Penny: The Wesley Crushers?
Sheldon: No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.
Penny: I don't get it.
Leonard: Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
Penny: Still don't get it.
Sheldon: It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry, honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
Sheldon: No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.
Howard: If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!
Wil Wheaton: [enters with his bowling team] Hey, look! They named their team after me!

The Spaghetti Catalyst [3.20][edit]

Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
Leonard: No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Raj: Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: [to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Usually, I'm on the team that picks last... unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.

Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn't a good time.
Leonard: Tell me what you want or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are a good way to start this conversation?
Leonard: Alright, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may wanna sit down.
Leonard: I'm in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may wanna sit up.
Leonard: Just tell me what you want!
Sheldon: I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: When you saying seeing Penny, what do you mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs. Well, a hot dog. I gave up the other 5 hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. There'll be a tangent line at the end, it's not important.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: Wolowitz made it very clear my loyalty should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard: Is it possible that he said bros before hoes?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased to avoid offending the hoes.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: You mean all the emotional distress I've been feeling is essentially useless and in vain.
Leonard: I guess so.
Sheldon: Well, as my Meemaw would say, "Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon." Oh, and as for the tangent line. Sheldon and the hell hound. OR How I lost my hot dogs.

The Plimpton Stimulation [3.21][edit]

Sheldon: I must say, I am shocked by this betrayal.
Leonard: I didn't betray Penny.
Sheldon: Not Penny, me!
Leonard: How am I betraying you?
Sheldon: Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!
[Storms off to his room]
Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did.

Elizabeth Plimpton: Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Howard: Beg your pardon?
Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
Howard: [after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?
Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard: We broke up weeks ago.
Raj: Why didn't you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
Leonard: [arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?
Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
Howard: He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
Leonard: I don't understand.
Elizabeth: [peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.
Raj: Good?!
Leonard: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Elizabeth: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]
Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard: Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.

The Staircase Implementation [3.22][edit]

Sheldon: [reading his standard roommate agreement to new roommate Leonard] "Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly."
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon: We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.

Sheldon: Explain the couch.
Leonard: Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
Sheldon: But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
Leonard: They're lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.
Sheldon: Did it occur to you that was by design?

The Lunar Excitation [3.23][edit]

Zack: Wow, is that the laser? It's bitchin'.
Sheldon: [sarcastically] Yes. In 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Quantentheorie der Strahlung", his fondest hope was that the resultant device be "bitchin'".
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.
[Sheldon looks at him in surprise and confusion]

[at the site for Sheldon's online date]
Amy: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water, please.
Howard: [to Raj, seeing their "experiment"] Good God, what have we done?

Season 4[edit]

The Robotic Manipulation [4.01][edit]

Penny: Okay, well, what do you communicate about?
Sheldon: Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
Penny: [spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
Leonard: Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

Penny: Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.
Amy: That's an amusing factoid.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
Amy: Is this true?
Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
Penny: So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
Penny: Wha-Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. 16?
Penny: 14.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193—minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so—172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.
Amy: Then 128.

The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification [4.02][edit]

[Sheldon suggests taking up jogging]
Penny: Have you ever run before?
Sheldon: Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard: You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!
Penny: No, it won't.

[Leonard is taking Sheldon's MVPD to work in their car]
Sheldon: I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
Leonard: Except, in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
Sheldon: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. [an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen] There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
Leonard: I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.

The Zazzy Substitution [4.03][edit]

Penny: Alrighty! What's new?
Amy: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.
Penny: Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was—you know—how's your life?
Amy: Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

[After his "breakup" with Amy. Sheldon is replacing her with cats]
Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.
Sheldon: You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan.

The Hot Troll Deviation [4.04][edit]

Penny: Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and Leonard is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can't eat melon.

Leonard: That's great news about you and Bernadette [getting back together]!
Howard: Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Oh, well, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me!
Leonard: Yeah, and don't you forget it!

The Desperation Emanation [4.05][edit]

Sheldon: [after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: Alright, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed! [he realizes what he said]
Leonard: There you go.

Amy: I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status?
Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?
Amy: Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me.

The Irish Pub Formulation [4.06][edit]

Priya: Leonard, wake up.
Leonard: Huh? Huh, jus', sorry.
Priya: What for?
Leonard: I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, that's just my go-to response.

Sheldon: You know I can't keep a secret!
Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?
Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?
Leonard: Because the Batman has the secret.
Sheldon: Alfred has secrets, too!
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!

The Apology Insufficiency [4.07][edit]

Sheldon: If only there was a way to force Howard to accept my apology to escape this miasma of guilt!
Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.

Sheldon: Whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.
[Sheldon pulls a couch cushion out of a large bag]
Howard: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
[Everyone looks at him in shock]
Howard: [aghast] But... you love that spot!
Sheldon: No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe... And now it's yours.
[Howard is speechless]
Raj: [crying] Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

The 21-Second Excitation [4.08][edit]

Amy: So anyway to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.
Penny: You know, Amy, when we say girl talk, that just doesn't have to be about our lady parts.
Amy: Shame, cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.
Penny: So, what do you girls wanna' do tonight? Should we go to the club or to the movies?
Bernadette: Or we could just stay here?
Amy: Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever, or BFF if you prefer - which I don't.

Amy: Well, the Internet suggests that another popular slumber party activity is experimentation with lesbianism.
Bernadette: Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?

The Boyfriend Complexity [4.09][edit]

Leonard: You'll never guess what just happened!
Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: [Genuinely disappointed] Aw.
Leonard: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?

Bernadette: So we just sit and stare at a screen and wait for something to happen?
Howard: I did it with you when we rented The Notebook.

The Alien Parasite Hypothesis [4.10][edit]

Howard: Who'd want to become "Rat Man"?
Raj: Who wouldn't?! You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, uh, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound! And the best part of it is, if I were Rat Man, you could be my sidekick; "Mouse Boy".
Howard: Mouse Boy?
Raj: You don't like Mouse Boy? How about "Kid Vermin"?
Howard: First of all, if we were going to have superpowers, I would not be the sidekick; YOU'D be the sidekick.
Raj: Rat Man is nobody's sidekick!
Howard: Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
Raj: Yeah, Leonard, who?
[long pause]
Leonard: Twelve years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.

Amy: Penny's friend, Zack, stopped by and said "hello" and I said "hoo!"
Sheldon: Hoo?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Then why did you ask?
Amy: Ask what?
Sheldon: Who?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Alright, let's start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?
Amy: Hoo!
Sheldon: Zack.
Amy: Why do you keep saying 'Zack'?
Sheldon: Because you keep saying 'Who'.
Amy: I'm not saying 'hoo' now. I said 'hoo' last night.
Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?
Amy: There was no question; I simply said "Hoo!"
Sheldon: [short pause] Alright. I think I have enough to go on.

The Justice League Recombination [4.11][edit]

[The guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'ah]
Raj: Water demon.
Howard: Ice dragon.
Leonard: [victorious tone of voice] Lesser Warlord of Ka'ah!
Sheldon: Not so fast! Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard: Infinite Sheldon?!
Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards, and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard: Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?
Sheldon: No. Although, it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.

Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel: turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No. I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show; they also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard: They might be smarter than some people. [Sheldon and Raj laugh; Penny is disgusted]
Zack: [oblivious] Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon: That's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-size treats you find tasty.

Penny: [after Zack leaves] You know, for a bunch of guys who claim to have spent a lot of their life being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you.
Raj: [after Penny closes the door] What the hell did I do?
Penny: [opening door back up] You laughed. [Raj immediately shuts up]

The Bus Pants Utilization [4.12][edit]

Sheldon: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.

[after Leonard kicked Sheldon out of the app team]
Sheldon: Alright, I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard: What the hell are bus pants?
Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But, perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you've lost touch with the struggles of the common man.
Leonard: Look, I'm still happy to drive you to work. Nothing's changed in that regard; we're still roommates, we're still friends.
Sheldon: Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. A desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex!
Leonard: You know what? Go put on your bus pants.

The Love Car Displacement [4.13][edit]

Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now...[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh... "How are they hanging?"
Penny: [writing] Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Penny: [about going with the others to a science conference including a spa treatment] Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages!
Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat". [leaves]
Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon: [waves her off] I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Worker's Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon: [to Leonard] You lied to me?

The Thespian Catalyst [4.14][edit]

[The guys are reading responses to Sheldon's lecture]
Leonard: I found another Tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: [from his phone] "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
[Raj laughs]
Howard: Listen to this one: [from his phone] "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?"
[Howard and Leonard laugh]
Raj: [while on a laptop] Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
[Howard and Leonard have a look on the laptop]
Leonard: [amazed] Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard: Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
[Penny enters]
Penny: Hey, Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down? I can't get on.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Penny is a freeloader"... no spaces.
Penny: [typing on her phone] Thanks. What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We're reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh, how'd he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
Penny: That bad, huh?
Leonard: [going to Penny with his phone] Read this woman's Tweet.
Penny: [reading from Leonard's phone] "Listening to Dr. Cooper's made me want to start cutting myself again."

Sheldon: [looking at Tweets about his lecture on Raj's laptop] I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".
Leonard: Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".
Sheldon: [unsettled] Well, suppose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.
[He starts to walk to his bedroom]
Sheldon: [very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopy-heads, anyway! [leaves]
Howard: [short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.

The Benefactor Factor [4.15][edit]

Raj: Here's what I wonder about zombies. [The others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard: [To Leonard] You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!
Raj: Yeah, okay, so zombies?
Leonard: I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in 28 Days if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
Howard: You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is when Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

[Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to go to a university fundraiser he has boycotted]
Amy: And consider this: without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.
Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding!
Amy: Well, then, prepare to be terrified; if your friends are unconvincing, this year's donation might go to, say, the geology department.
Sheldon: Oh, dear, n- not the dirt people!
Amy: Or worse, it could go to... [leans in dramatically] the liberal arts.
Sheldon: No.
Amy: [nods] Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!

The Cohabitation Formulation [4.16][edit]

Mrs. Wolowitz: [as Howard is unlocking the front door] Who's there?! Are you a sex criminal?!
Howard: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma! [goes inside]
Mrs. Wolowitz: Where were you so late?!
Howard: I was out with Bernadette!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I know what that means! I watch Dr. Phil! [short pause] I hope to God you used a condom!
Howard: I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!
Howard: Nobody has a disease!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope not! I share a toilet with you! Is that what you want!? To give your mother herpies!?
Howard: That's it! I don't have to take this! [comes back outside, yelling at the front door] And good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!
[He starts to leave, then goes back to the door and unlocks it again]
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there?! Are you a sex criminal?!
Howard: [going back inside] Still leaving; I just forgot my Claritin!

Sheldon: What's going on?
Leonard: Oh, Howard's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard: [long pause] No.
Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. [snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]
[Leonard starts to walk to the kitchen]
Sheldon: And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.

The Toast Derivation [4.17][edit]

Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's gonna be there; you wanna join us?
Sheldon: But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza, or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
Leonard: Can we make a one time exception for tonight?
Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
Leonard: Just come with me to Raj's.
Sheldon: I don't want to go to a party.
Leonard: It's not a party; it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.
Leonard: How come it's not a party when we do it over here?
Sheldon: Because we don't throw parties.

Howard: Hey, Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God, you're kidding!
Raj: [laughing] No. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
Leonard: [laughing at the memory] Bam! Right in the nose! Made me proud to own a PC.

The Prestidigitation Approximation [4.18][edit]

Sheldon: [frustrated in trying to figure out Howard's magic trick] This deck is rigged in some fashion.
Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that.
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: [shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!

Penny: [to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.
Penny: C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard: You're right.
Penny: Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

The Zarnecki Incursion [4.19][edit]

Penny: Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?
Bernadette: I feel like I'm supposed to say "that bitch!", but I don't have enough information.
Penny: I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
Penny: So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!
Amy: [to Bernadette] I think you're on.
Bernadette: Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!

[Leonard knocks on Todd Zarnecki's front door]
Todd Zarnecki: Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
Raj: Don't say "Your doom". Who opens the door for their doom?
Sheldon: Good point. [to the door] Basket of puppies.

The Herb Garden Germination [4.20][edit]

[Amy knocks on Penny's door, getting ready to spread a false rumor as part of an experiment]
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. What's up?
Amy: [quickly] Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word. Gotta go. [leaves]

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Amy: Slow down, Sheldon. I'm not quite there yet.

The Agreement Dissection [4.21][edit]

[Sheldon has joined Penny, Bernadette and Amy Farrah Fowler on their girls night out at a bar]
Penny: Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?
Sheldon: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.
Bernadette: That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?
Penny: Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?
Amy: I'm available for experimentation [turns towards Sheldon and puckers up]
Sheldon: Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.
Amy: Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [turns to Penny and kisses her, all three girls start giggling]
Sheldon: I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.
Leonard: Why would I want to do that?
Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon: Affirmative. [Turns to laptop] Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. [laptop beeps in response] Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence activated.
[Sheldon turns the laptop toward Leonard and Priya, showing a timer counting down from one minute]
Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
Priya: So what happens when it counts down?
Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next...[checks timer] 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Priya: [worried] Oh, my God.
Leonard: What's the big deal?
Priya: Trust me, it's a big deal.
Leonard: They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.
Sheldon: 20 seconds.
Leonard: Are you ashamed of me?
Priya: Of course not.
Leonard: Then why can't we just tell your parents?
Priya: Please don't push this.
Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.
Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Leonard: No, he's bluffing.
Sheldon: I never bluff. 10.
Leonard: It's blackmail!
Sheldon: 9.
Priya: We give up.
Sheldon: 8.
Leonard: [unhooking the laptop] This is ridiculous.
Sheldon: It's a laptop with a full charge. [to Priya] Honestly, what do you see in him?
Priya: Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.
Sheldon: 3.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: 2.
Leonard: Okay, I'll sign it!
[Sheldon hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
Sheldon: [to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Star-Fleet Academy.

The Wildebeest Implementation [4.22][edit]

Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for 3-person chess.
Leonard: That is good news. Bye. [starts to leave]
Sheldon: Do you know how I solved the balanced center combat-area problem? Five words: transitional quadrilateral to triangular tesselation.
Leonard: That... that's brilliant.
Sheldon: It's what I do.

[Amy's phone rings with a text message from Bernadette, who is having dinner with Howard, Leonard, and Priya]
Amy: Hang on. [looks at her phone] It's the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
Penny: What the hell did she say?
Amy: She thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.
Penny: [short pause] That bitch!

The Engagement Reaction [4.23][edit]

Penny: You wanna talk about crazy mothers, Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up.
Priya: Oh, the poor thing.
Penny: It makes him desperate to please women. That's where the foreplay goes on and on.
Priya: It does, doesn't it.
Penny: It's like he's trying to win a prize. Oh, word of advice, do not doze off, you'll never hear the end of it.
[They walk past the bio-hazard room not noticing Sheldon is being restrained by doctors for being exposed to the illness in the room]
Sheldon: Help me! Come back! Penny!

Howard: Hey, how'd it go?
Bernadette: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard: And are you?
Bernadette: No, because I'm engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.
Howard: Well, based on the available evidence...
Bernadette: Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard: [as Bernadette walks away] Where are you going?
Bernadette: [like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you?!
Howard: [to Leonard and Raj after she leaves] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

The Roommate Transmogrification [4.24][edit]

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
Amy: It's indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite.

Howard: Hey, what's up?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?
Howard: No, mom, it's Raj!
Mrs. Wolowitz: He's a doctor too, right?
Howard: Yes.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Like Leonard and that skinny weirdo?
Howard: Sheldon. Yes, everyone is a doctor but me.
Mrs. Wolowitz: And whose fault is that?

Season 5[edit]

The Skank Reflex Analysis [5.01][edit]

Sheldon: [in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [hands Leonard his paintball gun] And that's what we're going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [puts on his goggles, walks out of hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
Sheldon: [getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!

Penny: We should have never slept together. It's what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

The Infestation Hypothesis [5.02][edit]

[Sheldon and Amy are talking in her apartment]
Sheldon: I was hoping she [Penny] might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
Amy: For general educational purposes or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne, you're mocking me.
Amy: Yes, I am.
Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident of our building.
Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
Sheldon: Alright. Name your price.
Amy: [thinks] Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon: ...You mean like Salt Lake City?

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Penny: I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good, on your way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies.

The Pulled Groin Extrapolation [5.03][edit]

[Leonard and Amy are sitting alone at their table at a wedding reception]
Amy: Would you like to dance?
Leonard: [depressed] No, thank you. I'm not really much of a dancer.
[long pause]
Amy: Not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.
Leonard: I'm sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Amy: Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
Leonard: That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning.
Amy: [fed up] Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: I'm sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta-girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kinda-sorta-boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.

Leonard: [sarcastically, to Sheldon] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did. How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: [confused] What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time... Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Short pause, and then Sheldon hits Leonard with his model train]
Leonard: OW! Why'd you do that?!
Sheldon: To send you a message. She is not for you.
Leonard: What?!
Sheldon: Not for you!

The Wiggly Finger Catalyst [5.04][edit]

[The group is discussing Raj's new girlfriend possibly taking advantage of him]
Sheldon: I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]
Leonard: [long pause] Could you tell us?
Sheldon: Let's see...[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: [points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
[Sheldon does so]
Sheldon: ...Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more... I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
Leonard: Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)
[The others look shocked]
Howard: [outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!
Leonard: Listen guys I don't meant to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.

[Penny is trying to explain Raj's naivete to Emily with Howard translating into sign language]
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women. [Howard gets distracted by two women at the reception desk behind them] and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy you lots of expensive things and I...[realizes that Howard hasn't been translating] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard: Right. [signing] Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny turns to him in shock. Emily is outraged and begins signing furiously]
Howard: [translating hastily] Oh, uh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself.

The Russian Rocket Reaction [5.05][edit]

Amy: I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy? Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?

Sheldon: You've already signed something for me, Brent Spiner—your name on my list. From this moment on you are my mortal enemy!
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lotta your time.

The Rhinitis Revelation [5.06][edit]

Mary Cooper: [Regarding Sheldon and Amy] You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard: It's kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there's something there, maybe there isn't, we'll probably never know. But sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it!

Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought six new friends. Three sadly are dead.

The Good Guy Fluctuation [5.07][edit]

[after scaring Sheldon with a Halloween prank]
Howard: I thought he would faint.
Raj: I thought he would pee himself.
Leonard: Looks like everyone's a winner!

Leonard: I messed up a little, you messed up a lot.
Sheldon: [after scaring Leonard] Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!

The Isolation Permutation [5.08][edit]

Sheldon: I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle-bunny!

Amy: I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in-the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.
Bernadette: Amy, we're really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy: Don't. I'll be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Penny: Oh, come on, Amy.
Amy: You don't get it. [holding a piece of brain] Look at this brain.
Penny: [getting sick] I don't really want to.
Amy: This is us. Bernadette, you're the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? [Lays the brain on a tray, picks up a tumor with a knife and holds it up] She's right here—the sad little tumor no one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette: Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor.
[Penny is throwing up in a garbage can]

The Ornithophobia Diffusion [5.09][edit]

Howard: [Waiting for Sheldon to join their Star Wars on Blu-ray night] I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.

Penny: [Talking about screenplay writer in bar] No, I'm talking to him because he's cute.
Leonard: Come on, he's not that cute.
Penny: Yes he is, with his dorky t-shirt and his little hipster glasses.
Leonard: [long pause] I wear dorky t-shirts and glasses.
Penny: Yeah, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically.

The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition [5.10][edit]

Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement - Section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should've gotten a lawyer.

Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offense Stuart!
Stuart: None taken. Though, repellent, is kind of, kind of a strong word.
Amy: Um... sorry this causes you discomfort but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
Stuart: Um... again...
Sheldon: Stuart please, you're being rude.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: I believe, I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I'm listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting... Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You're being impossible!
Amy: Hi, Stuart.
Sheldon: Fine! Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
Amy: Yes!
Sheldon: Alright, that's enough about it. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date!

The Speckerman Reccurance [5.11][edit]

Sheldon: Congratulations, the Newcomb Medal...Oh, please. That's a scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.
Raj: Hey! I won a Newcomb Medal, too.
Sheldon: My point.

Sheldon: I help the weak. It's yet another way I'm exactly like Batman.

The Shiny Trinket Maneuver [5.12][edit]

Amy: Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparent manip...[pulls out of the bag...] Ohhhhhh, it's a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! [Rushes to Penny] Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me.
Penny: [placing it on Amy's head] You look beautiful!
[She excitedly kisses Sheldon]
Sheldon: [to Penny] You're right, the tiara was too much.

Howard: It's natural for Sheldon to be cranky when he has... [Howard reaches behind Sheldon and produces a quarter] a quarter in your ear!
Sheldon: Coins lodged in body-parts is not amusing. When I was young, Billy Sparks forced a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
[Sheldon leaves the kitchen]
Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard: Next time you should open with that.

The Recombination Hypothesis [5.13][edit]

Sheldon: I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood?
[Raj and Howard chuckle]
Sheldon: I don't understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?...
Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood?[Raj and Howard snicker]
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?

Leonard: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about "awkward"?
Leonard: That sounds right. [pauses] Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: [laughs] Okay let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of moving to LA and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above the bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard: Ah, let's see, I am an experimental physicist at CalTech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God no! [Penny laughs] The money's pretty good, and I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: [laughs] Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not "some kind of nerd", I am the king of nerds!
Penny: [laughs] What does that mean?
Leonard: Uh, it means, if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
Penny: [laughs] You are so funny!
Leonard: Good! Remember that when I take my shirt off.

The Beta Test Initiation [5.14][edit]

Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again.
Leonard: Me too. I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. Are you sure you just don't miss the sex?
Leonard: Well, yeah. Sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have. You are... not wrong. [pauses] I just think if we're gonna try dating again, we should take things slow.
Leonard: Oh, I can take it slow. Have I ever told you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day, she doesn't know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off.
Penny: Okay, well maybe not THAT slow.
Leonard: How about this? Are you familiar with the typical development for computer software?
Penny: Yup, just for fun, let's say I'm not.
Leonard: Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. We could do that. If we hit a rough spot, instead of getting mad, let's say, hey, we found a bug and report it so it can be fixed.
Penny: You mean like a Beta test?
Leonard: Technically, this would be an Alpha test. A Beta test requires the people that weren't involved in the development of the app...
Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing Beta test?

Barry: You got SIWI, huh? The voice wecognition on that thing is tewwible. Wook. [To SIRI] SIWI, can you wecommend a westewaunt?
SIRI: I'm sorry, Bawwy. I don't understand "wecommend a westewaunt."
Barry: Wisten to me. Not westewaunt, "westewaunt."
SIRI: I don't know what you mean by "not westewaunt, 'westewaunt.'"
Barry: See, totaw cwap. You suck, SIWI.
Raj: Hey, don't talk to her like that! She's a lady.
Barry: [scoffs] Weww, that "wady" took high-wes pictuwes of my junk wast night for Cwaigswist. Water!

The Friendship Contraction [5.15][edit]

Sheldon: Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
Leonard: If it means I can go home, yes.
Sheldon: Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips the functions of our Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials: financial duties, transportation, and a chin jut of recognition as we pass each other. [demonstrates] 'Sup?
Leonard: Where do I sign?

Sheldon: Alright. An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing minor edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!

The Vacation Solution [5.16][edit]

Amy: Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence... Does the locus coeruleus usually bleed that much?
Amy: No, but your thumb does.
Sheldon: Oh dear! [faints]
Amy: Yeah, YOU'RE a biologist.

Sheldon: [Carrying a tray of beakers] Here you go! This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.

The Rothman Disintegration [5.17][edit]

Amy: Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl! With a posse, a boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!

Leonard: Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Five what?

The Werewolf Transformation [5.18][edit]

Penny: [sitting on Sheldon's spot, starts to move when she sees him] Hey, sorry Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon: [does not seem bothered by Penny] Why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?
[Penny and Leonard frown at him]
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don't know... Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer, and Sheldon being okay with you sitting in his spot... I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?
Amy: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

The Weekend Vortex [5.19][edit]

Raj: Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
Howard: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point. I'm in!

Sheldon: I always thought if I were enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale.

The Transporter Malfunction [5.20][edit]

[Penny just gave Leonard and Sheldon each a vintage Star Trek transporter toy]
Sheldon: Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure!
Penny: Oh, that's great, let's open it up and put him in there!
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil and cradle the boxes defensively]
Sheldon: Oh, good lord, no!
Penny: Why? They're just toys.
Sheldon: Mint in box!
Penny: C'mon, can't we open one up and take a look?
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil again]
Leonard: No! Once you open the box it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

[Sheldon is talking to his Spock action figure in a dream, about accidentally breaking Leonard's transporter toy]
Sheldon: What's the problem with it? I have my transporter swapped in Leonard's box, and now he won't know that his is broken. Everyone's happy.
Spock: I'm not happy.
Sheldon: But I thought where you come from, they don't have emotions.
Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan.

The Hawking Excitation [5.21][edit]

Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.
Stephen: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
Stephen: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon: [twitching] What do you mean wrong?
Stephen: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
Sheldon: No, no... that can't be right. [looking through paper] I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
Stephen: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[Sheldon faints dead away]
Stephen: Great, another fainter.

Sheldon: [about Stephen Hawking] He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Hang on, I know. He's the wheelchair-dude who invented time.
Sheldon: Close enough.

The Stag Convergence [5.22][edit]

Penny: So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard: I don't know, it's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.

Raj: Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
Barry: Yeah, nice speech Fwancine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]
Raj: I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
Howard: Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
Raj: Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Howard: Don’t remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! [Everybody laughs]
Howard: Please, shut up.
Raj: Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Wil Wheaton: Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.
Sheldon: [Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]

The Launch Acceleration [5.23][edit]

Howard: Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no-go to space.
Leonard: I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960's by the Russians.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Leonard: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia"?

Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Amy: Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon: Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy: I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon: Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away!
Amy: I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon: Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
Amy: We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? [turns on the music]
Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work!
Amy: Fine. There's no reason we still can't have a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat? [as Sheldon crosses to his chair he hums along and Amy grins] May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon: You know I don't drink.
Amy: Not even, strawberry Quik?
Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon: Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often. [Realizes something] Uh-oh! [Amy beams]

The Countdown Reflection [5.24][edit]

Dimitri: [To Howard] He calls you Fruit Loops, because of your very gay hair cut?
Howard: No. It's because I live with my mother and she makes me Fruit Loops.
Dimitri: Go with the gay story. People are more accepting of it.

Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette: They all got ordained! They’re all marrying us! It’s adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Raj: Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you’re in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Reverend Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: I didn't say it.
Amy: That’s enough from the both of you!
Penny: Well, he started it.
Amy: Well, I’m ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP.
Howard: From now on she’s the only woman that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.
Ministers: By the power invested in us by the state of California...
Sheldon: ..and the Klingon High Council...
Ministers: ..we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Season 6[edit]

The Date Night Variable [6.01][edit]

Amy: Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.
Amy: You know what's wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.
Sheldon: Your point being?
Amy: [undoing her top button] Dessert is served.
Sheldon: [unfazed] I just had cobbler.
Amy: [redoing her top button] You know what? I'm done with this.
[She gets up and starts to leave]
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Amy: I'm leaving.
Sheldon: You can't leave. I need you.
Amy: [stopped in her tracks] You do?
Sheldon: Yes. You're my ride.
Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
Sheldon: All right. [Offers her a seat] Please. [She sits down] Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except...I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy: Sheldon...that was beautiful.
Sheldon: I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy: I'll take it.
Sheldon: Good. Now, I assume we're splitting the check?

Raj: You know, I’m growing to like American football.
Penny: Yeah, it’s fun, isn't it?
Raj: Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
Penny: All right, who’s ready for another beer?
Leonard: I’m good.
Raj: No, thank you.
Penny: Girls.
Raj: Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Leonard: That’s great. Get out.
Raj: What? Why?
Leonard: Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Raj: Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Penny: Okay, hold on…
Raj: Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveler from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Leonard: Some people might say it was romantic.
Raj: Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: That’s enough.
Raj: I’m just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful. [Penny looks sideways guiltily]
Leonard: Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Raj: Oh, Penny! That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Penny: Raj!
Raj: Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
[Raj is ejected from the apartment]
Raj: I really thought she would say it.

The Decoupling Fluctuation [6.02][edit]

Sheldon: This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
Amy: Well, I like it.
Sheldon: Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
Amy: Just watch the movie.
Sheldon: It’s not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
Amy: There might be a reason for that.
Sheldon: Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Amy: Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
Amy: It’s complicated.
Sheldon: String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
Amy: She’s not sure how she feels.
Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Amy: Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Sheldon: Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Amy: Yes, please, Penny will kill me.
Sheldon: Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Stuart: Raisinet?
Sheldon: Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.

Sheldon: [Knock, knock, knock on the wall above Penny's bed] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams]
Penny: Oh, my God, Sheldon?!
Sheldon: You frightened me!
Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Sheldon: Yeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?
Penny: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.
Penny: Talk about what?
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend? Yeah, pick one, your choice.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Penny: Okay, go home, crazy man.
Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
Penny: Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Sheldon: Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Penny: Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
Sheldon: Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
Penny: Of course not!
Sheldon: Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Penny: Worst bedtime story ever!
Sheldon: My point is, I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
Penny: Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
Sheldon: I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
Penny: Get out.
Sheldon: [Turns to go, then stops] Penny?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: ...Please don’t hurt my friend.
Penny: [Sighs] That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon: [turns to leave, but turns back] Coconut, what were you thinking? Are you a hula girl now?

The Higgs Boson Observation [6.03][edit]

Raj: Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Sheldon: Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
Raj: I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Alex: Here’s your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: This should be fun.
Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Alex: Yes.
Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
Alex: Rainbow, not chocolate.
Sheldon: Two cherries?
Alex: One on top, one on the bottom.
Sheldon: Stems removed?
Alex: Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh!
Alex: I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.

Sheldon: [arriving with Alex] Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
Leonard: What do you got?
Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Leonard: Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
Sheldon: The original title was “A Re-derivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Alex: Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Penny: Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex: Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
Penny: In a way. We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Alex: Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Penny: Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
Leonard: Where are we going?
Penny: My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Alex: She seems nice.
Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We’re working.

The Re-Entry Minimalization [6.04][edit]

Sheldon: You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.
Amy: Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.
Sheldon: Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.
Penny: You’re unbelievable.
Sheldon: I know.

[Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon kneel around the coffee table, each has a blueberry pie before them]
Penny: Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
Amy: On the count of 3. 1... 2...
Sheldon: Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Leonard: Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!
Sheldon: That's rude.
Amy: 1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]
Howard: Hey guys, guess who's back from space!
All four: NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]
Sheldon: Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!
Leonard: Snort it down and keep eating!

The Holographic Excitation [6.05][edit]

Penny: [reading a text] Unhh, it's from Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.
Amy: I thought you liked Halloween.
Penny: I do. It's just that he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kinda creepy.
Bernadette: Like my husband?
Amy: And my boyfriend?

Howard: Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.
Bernadette: Well, today you're a Smurf! Keep walking!

The Extract Obliteration [6.06][edit]

Sheldon: Play, play, play!
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Ugh, he must be wearing a tin foil hat or something.
[later on]
Sheldon: Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back!
Leonard: [walks back into the room] What?
Sheldon: Oh, of course! It only works on the weak-minded.

Leonard: [handing Penny a folder] Before you look, do you about the story of the Shoemaker and the elves?
Penny: Elves? Leonard, it's too early for Lord of the Rings.
Leonard: No, see, there's this shoemaker, and when he goes to sleep, these elves come out and make these amazing shoes for him. And when he wakes up, he would so happy, not mad at the elves at all. Here you go.
Penny: [reading the paper's headline] "The Effects of Slavery in the Old South, 1602-1865". What the hell is this?
Leonard: Don't ask me, a little elf did it.

Dr. Stephen Hawking: What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck! Neener, neener, neener!

The Habitation Configuration [6.07][edit]

Wil Wheaton: Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?
Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.

Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy.

The 43 Peculiarity [6.08][edit]

Alex: Oh hi, Dr. Hofstader.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Alex. And call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.
Alex: May I join you, Leonard?
Leonard: Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.
Alex: Ooh, I love English accents.
Leonard: Yeah, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.
Alex: It's probably harmless. You know how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.
Leonard: Right. Because girls are always like: "Oooh, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta get me some of that."
Alex: You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Leonard: Trust me. It doesn't.
Alex: You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don’t even know it.
Leonard: Really?
Alex: Yep, pretty sure.
Leonard: [Laughs] I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
Alex: No problem.
Leonard: Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.

Penny: Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard: Come on, I'm sorry.
Penny: I just can't believe you don't trust me.
Leonard: I feel…Of course I do.
Penny: Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Leonard: Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
Penny: What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
Leonard: I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE TALLER THAN ME? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
Leonard: [pause] You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
Penny: [stunned] Yeah.
Leonard: We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
Penny: That's … exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
Leonard: You're right we should…
Penny: Fine! [Runs down stairs]
Leonard: [Enters apartment] She loves me.

The Parking Lot Escalation [6.09][edit]

Howard: [talking about his new car] It's parked in 294.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, 294 is my parking spot.
Raj: You don't even drive.
Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you don't use it.
Sheldon: I don't use my nipples either, maybe they should reassign those.

Bernadette: I’m really sorry that they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
Amy: I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
Bernadette: What’s that supposed to mean?
Amy: Well, Howard’s never going to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
Bernadette: You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
Amy: If and when?
Penny: All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Bernadette: Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
Amy: That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who now know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
Penny: You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. [Laughs] It’s a bad idea.
Bernadette: Gosh, Amy, I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?
Penny: Damn.
Amy: Well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that’s a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Penny: Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
Bernadette: I don’t have to take this. I’m going to go home and have sex with my husband right now! Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in a parking spot; which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way!

The Fish Guts Displacement [6.10][edit]

Amy: Sheldon, this isn't helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.
Sheldon: How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.
Amy: [taken by surprise] You... you want to rub something on my chest?
Sheldon: Yes. All over it.
Amy: [stifling a cough] Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon: Now you’re being a responsible patient. [he picks up the tub of VapoRub and sits on the couch opposite Amy] Now, you may notice some tingling...
Amy: Oh, I’m counting on it!

Howard: Sir, I’m flattered that you invited me, and I really want you to like me, but I don’t think this trip is the way to do it. And I can’t return these things if there’s chunks of duck all over them.
Mr. Rostenkowski: So, why’d you agree to come?
Howard: ‘Cause Bernadette made me.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.
Howard: Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You’re a big, scary cop.
Mr. Rostenkowski: You’re an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she’s only four feet tall.
Howard: So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Ah. There’s an Indian casino near Palm Springs. You know how to shoot craps?
Howard: No, but I’m not a stranger to dice games. I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Mazel tov. I’ll teach you how to play.
Howard: Really? Thank you, sir.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Call me Mike.
Howard: Okay. Oh, boy, we’re just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike?
Mr. Rostenkowski: That’s my wife and daughter you’re talking about.
Howard: Great couple of gals.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I wouldn't go that far.

The Santa Simulation [6.11][edit]

Leonard: Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
Leonard: Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Penny: Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard: Little bit, yeah.

Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Howard: Wait, what are you doing?
Sheldon: You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?
Leonard: Uh, okay.
Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
Leonard: This is weird, right?
Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of ‘em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

The Egg Salad Equivalency [6.12][edit]

Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?
Alex: I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to?
Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it?
Alex: Is there a problem?
Sheldon: Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.
Alex: What did I do?
Sheldon: You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
Alex: What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody.
Sheldon: Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex: What?
Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.
Alex: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behavior because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.
Alex: I have to go.
Sheldon: So does this fellow, but he can’t without it burning like hot soup.

[Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.]
Leonard: [singing, to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb] I’m sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I’m sorry Alex hit on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
Penny: Oh, damn it, you are.
Leonard: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny: I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard: You do that?
Penny: [pause] No.
Leonard: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard: No, I’m not happy.
Penny: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny: Well, I do.
Leonard: Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.
Penny: Good.
Leonard: Come here. Tell you a secret?
Penny: What’s that?
Leonard: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell you a secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we’re all gonna stop.
Leonard: Message received.

The Bakersfield Expedition [6.13][edit]

[Penny, Amy and Bernadette enter the Comic Book Store. Everyone inside stares at them in shock]
Bernadette: [nervous] Why are they staring?
Amy: Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!
Stuart: Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey Stuart.
Stuart: W-what brings you guys here?
Bernadette: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart: Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
Penny: ... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Stuart: Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!
Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy: All right, well, who's the best superhero?
Stuart: [panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?

Leonard: Fine, but set phasers to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I'll never find a girlfriend that pretty again.

The Cooper/Kripke Inversion [6.14][edit]

Amy Farrah Fowler: The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. [looks at Sheldon, who just nods silently] You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm fine.
Amy: Alright, so how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Sheldon, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I read his research; it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist in the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy! [starts crying]
Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
Sheldon: What do we have to lose?
[Amy hugs him tightly]
Amy: How's that?
Sheldon: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. [Amy lets go] Why did you stop?! [Amy hugs him again]

Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Of course.
Penny: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
[Leonard and Sheldon just stare at her]
Sheldon: That's awfully personal.
Leonard: [a little scared] We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny: Then what's the problem?
Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others—handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually get physical?
Sheldon: [long pause] It's a possibility.
Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah.

The Spoiler Alert Segmentation [6.15][edit]

Sheldon: One vintage Mister Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy: Children’s toy.
Sheldon: One Star Trek: The Next Generation Phasor. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy: Children’s toy.
Sheldon: One Game of Thrones collector’s edition long claw sword. Ah, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.
Amy: So, what’s your plan moving forward?
Sheldon: I suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.
Amy: Great! Here I am!
Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?
Amy: Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger. We’re intellectually compatible. I’m willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: See, you can’t. I’m going to see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.
Sheldon: Um.

Sheldon: You can’t live here.
Amy: What? Why? Is it the {answering machine} message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.
Sheldon: It’s not the message.
Amy: What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Sheldon: You did.
Amy: THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON!?!? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can’t live here.
Sheldon: It’s Penny’s fault.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.

The Tangible Affection Proof [6.16][edit]

Leonard: You know what. That was pretty crappy of you. All I wanted to do was give you a great night and it’s like you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny: Yep. I know. I’m a total bitch.
Leonard: I’m not saying that.
Penny: Well, I am.
Leonard: Well. Fine you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
Penny: I don’t know. Maybe because things are going so well between us lately and I’ve been really happy.
Leonard: Okay. You’re going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny: Obviously I have some commitment issues.
Leonard: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I’m going to end saying yes then we’re going to be married forever and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Leonard: Okay. I know I propose a lot so how about this. I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny: What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard: No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yes. All on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny: You got it.
Leonard: And I’m cool with surprises, but nothing on the jumbo-tron. I don’t to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny: Okay. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard: You do?
Penny: Leonard Hofstader.
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Would you be my valentine?
Leonard: Sorry, maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja! Let’s have sex! Wo-ah!

Raj: Can I have your attention please? We’re all here tonight because we have no one to be with, but this doesn’t make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. Let us stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we’re in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let’s give ourselves a break. We are a community and as long as we have each other we’re never truly alone.

The Monster Isolation [6.17][edit]

[Lucy knocks at Raj's door.]
Raj: Just a sec. Oh, I said 'just a sec'. I hate myself. [Opens door.] Hello.
Lucy: Hi.
Raj: Would you like to come in?
Lucy: Um. No. I can't stay.
Raj: Oh.
Lucy: I just wanted to say I'm sorry for running out of the coffee shop. That wasn't cool. So, ah, yeah. I'm sorry.
Raj: Wait. Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It's okay, I can take anything. Unless it's something I did or said or am, 'cause those are like my buttons.
Lucy: No. It's not any of that. It's just I kind have a hard time around people I don't know.
Raj: Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?
Lucy: I've been trying to force myself into situations that I'm not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window and I made myself go in. I don't even like comic books.
Raj: Yeah, me neither.
Lucy: Then what were you doing in there?
Raj: I lied. I love them. I only said that so you would go out with me.
Lucy: You don't want to do that. I'm kind of broken.
Raj: That's great! I'm broken too.
Lucy: Oh no you're not.
Raj: Oh I totally am. If it wasn't for this beer I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks either. Like diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.
Lucy: Well. How do I know you're not just saying that?
Raj: Go out with me on one date and I promise you you'll see.
Lucy: OK. Text me. Bye.
Raj: You won't regret it. I'm the most pathetic guy you ever met. [To himself.] And that, boys and girls, is how it's done.

[Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois]
Penny: You love her very much. Don't you?
Tom: Yes.
Penny: You think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand about it.
Tom: You lonely?
Leonard: She's good, huh?
Sheldon: She is, but when do we get to the part about the streetcars?
Penny: When I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once much, much too completely. Like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. Then I was unlucky to lose it.
Sheldon: She's remarkable.
Leonard: She really is.
Amy: Our Penny's a star.
Sheldon: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?

The Contractual Obligation Implementation [6.18][edit]

Leonard: So now let's bring out theoretical physicist, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish born, French educated Madame Curie. Co-discover of radioactivity. She was a hero of science until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became full with blood and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work I see no reason why that can't also happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?

Raj: Thanks again for letting me drag girls' night.
Penny: Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less. [Everyone stares at her.] It's a joke! Based on real events.
Raj: Anyway I was hoping I could pick your brains a little. I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.
Amy: Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady in the face of danger So I recommend an unsafe environment. A seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks. Picnic near a lunatic asylum. A wine tasting on skid row.
Raj: Lucy has some social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.
Bernadette: Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You can go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.
Penny: Yeah, you just have to remember that that ride is shorter then you think. And they take a picture at the end so make sure you have all your clothes back on. [Everyone stares at her] It's a joke!! ...Based on real events.

The Closet Reconfiguration [6.19][edit]

Penny: The letter was found in Bernadette's closet. Doesn't that count for something?
Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state and since Howard and Bernadette are married the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?
Penny: Yeah, obviously.
Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit, Penny.

Howard: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard: Oh yeah, what’s that?
Sheldon: It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Bernadette: Sit down, honey.
Sheldon: Raj, you’re up.
Raj: Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Howard: Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
Amy: Told you.
Sheldon: Don’t.
Leonard: Amy.
Amy: You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
Amy: No it’s not.
Sheldon: Don’t.
Leonard: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard: Hm.
Leonard: Bernadette.
Bernadette: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?
Howard: Yeah. I’m terrific.
Sheldon: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard: Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard: Well, one of them is.
Howard: That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.

The Tenure Turbulence [6.20][edit]

Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. Remind me to put a gun under my pillow. Or a chain saw.
Amy: Or you take advantage of your new found economic stability and move out, get a house, get married, start a family.
Sheldon: Or the chain saw.

Penny: So who do you have to smooze to get this deal?
Leonard: I'm not going to smooze anyone. I'm going to let my work speak for itself.
Penny: That's great. That takes a lot of integrity.
Leonard: I'm a naive idiot, right?
Penny: Oh good, you heard me.

The Closure Alternative [6.21][edit]

Penny: So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard: The Harmony one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.
Penny: You see that’s the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I’m passionate about you.
Leonard: Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again
Penny: Well I’m serious. Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.
Leonard: Well, those things can still happen.
Penny: Oh, obviously it’s going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard: Big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard: So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.

Sheldon: They can't just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.

The Proton Resurgence [6.22][edit]

Sheldon: You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.
Arthur Jeffries: You know, I get that.
Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o’clock you’d come to my house on channel 68 and we’d do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up a hobo … or a surgeon.
Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.
Sheldon: It’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Arthur: Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That means a lot.
Leonard: It’s important you know how much mean to us.

Sheldon: Professor Proton, it is an honor to meet you.
Arthur: Just call me Arthur.
Sheldon: Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said that I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.
Arthur: No. A friend would have told me about the elevator.
Sheldon: : Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my Mom saying its going to ruin my eyes.
Arthur: Is he dangerous?
Leonard: Actually he’s a genius.
Sheldon: I am.
Arthur: That doesn't answer my question.

The Love Spell Potential [6.23][edit]

Amy: Ah well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette: Long story short, she’s now on the no-fly list and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy: I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you feel shame and you got groped by a stranger. That’s Vegas. You nailed it.

Sheldon: [Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy?
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
Amy: You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.
Sheldon: Thank-you. Would you go and tell everyone else that because they think otherwise.
Amy: I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?” That’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
Amy: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon: Oh my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy: And now?
Sheldon: And now what?
Amy: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon: I’ve not ruled it out.
Amy: Wow, talk dirty to me.
Sheldon: I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but for me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy: I guess I know that. It’s just a part of me wants more.
Sheldon: More? Just look at us. It’s only been three years. Here we are in bed together. [Sitting on it.]
Amy: [Amy laughs slightly.] Come on. Let’s go back out there.
Sheldon: No, hold on. My Elven magic user and your half-Ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.
Amy: OK.
Sheldon: I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor. [Rolls dice] It comes off.
Amy: Oh?
Sheldon: What do you do?
Amy: I…kiss you on the lips?
Sheldon: I kiss you back on the… [Rolls dice] …lips as well. Your turn.
Amy: I remove your armor. What do you do?
Sheldon: I erotically caress your… [Rolls dice] …nose.
Amy: Keep rolling!

The Bon Voyage Reaction [6.24][edit]

Leonard: Anyway, Stephen Hawking’s team is looking into that and I’ve been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow Hawking, good for you!
Leonard: Well it is. know I’d be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long.
Leonard: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard: A couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I’ll just come visit you.
Leonard: That’s the thing. You can’t. I’ll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren’t they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard: He’s not going to be there. He’s just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I’d hate to do anything to screw that up.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. If you’re going to do anything to screw things up, it’s going to be while you’re here, not while you’re away.

Penny: Are you OK?
Raj: No.
Penny: I’m so sorry.
Raj: No, it’s my fault. I finally find somebody who is right for me and I drove her away.
Penny: Oh. Raj.
Raj: Penny, I miss her already.
Penny: I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too
Raj: What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever have love?
Penny: You will.
Raj: No. I’m unlovable.
Penny: That’s just the booze talking.
Raj: No, no. I haven’t had a drink since last night.
[Both realized what he said and look shocked]
Penny: You're talking to me.
Raj: I am.
Penny: Ahh!
Raj: Now I’m crying for a whole different reason.
Penny: Me too!

Season 7[edit]

The Hofstadter Insufficiency [7.01][edit]

Sheldon: [on the phone] Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3-case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2-case.
Leonard: SO?!
Sheldon: So... Did you do that or am I in the house with an intruder?

Sheldon: Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.
Penny: Why don’t you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon: You over estimate his significance in my life.
Penny: Mmm.
Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? [Knocks his answer in Morse Code].
Penny: OK, I get it. I get it. You’re an emotionless robot.
Sheldon: Well, I try.

The Deception Verification [7.02][edit]

Amy: Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…
Sheldon: Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy: Really.
Sheldon: Yes. You’re either with me or against me.
Amy: You want to take the bus to work?
Sheldon: Maybe there’s a third option.

Leonard: So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
Sheldon: I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?
Sheldon: Who knows? You said you’d be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
Leonard: I’m going to work. You can come if you want.
Sheldon: OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.
Leonard: No, I don’t.
Sheldon: Hurts, doesn't it? You know I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.
Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I’m in hell.
Sheldon: You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.
Leonard: Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?
Sheldon: All right, I’ll give you that one.

The Scavenger Vortex [7.03][edit]

Raj: I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard: Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.
Leonard: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard: Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.
Sheldon: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we’re really tough. I’d always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story’s more sad than funny.

Raj: OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette: Should we just do couples?
Leonard: Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.
Penny: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?
Leonard: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her.]
Leonard: No, let’s do couples. I want to.
Penny: Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.
Sheldon: Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.
Amy: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?
Amy: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

The Raiders Minimization [7.04][edit]

Leonard: So how was school?
Penny: Oh, good. Check it out. The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard: You bought my Mom’s book?
Penny: Yes. It’s on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard: Oh. Come on. Not that book. It got like every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh cool. Are there pictures?
Leonard: Seriously, please find another book.
Penny: Oh come on. How bad could it be?
Leonard: The next chapter’s about the potty training. Bed wetting. Masturbation. Basically if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know, do whatever you want, just don’t talk to me about it.
Penny: Not even the chapter on the breast feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one. She got a little lopsided.
Penny: Oh my God. You still go left.

Sheldon: Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there. I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That’s strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900’s. [Amy stops smiling.] If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy: [Amy stops the show.] You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Sheldon: That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It’s more like Little House on the Preposterous.
Amy: Sheldon we are in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy: Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.
Sheldon: Well, fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
Amy: I shouldn't have said it. I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: You feel better?
Sheldon: Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn't have a job.

The Workplace Proximity [7.05][edit]

Bernadette: I may have overreacted
Howard: Well, yeah, well. I didn’t handle it so great either.
Bernadette: Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
Howard: That’s not true.
Bernadette: It’s not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple’s massage. You said you wouldn’t want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
Howard: Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I’m so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.

Sheldon: [Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
Sheldon: I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy: Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.
Sheldon: I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you’re funniest kind of humor.
Amy: What’s your point?
Sheldon: My point is we’re a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.
Amy: I like you too.
Sheldon: I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. [Amy slams the door in his face] Not even a goodbye. You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid, she just doesn’t see it.

The Romance Resonance [7.06][edit]

Howard: [singing to quarantined Bernadette, the other five backing him up]
If I didn't have you
Life would be blue.
I'd be Doctor Who without the TARDIS.
A candle without a wick,
A Watson without a Crick.
I'd be one of my outfits without a dicky.
I'd be cheese without the mac,
Jobs without the Wozniak.
I'd be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making them much harder to crack.
I'd be an atom without the bomb.
A dot without the com.
And I'd probably still live with my mom.
Friends: And he'd probably still live with his mom.
Howard: Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.
You supported all my dreams and all my hopes.
You're like Uranium-235, and I'm Uranium-238:
Almost inseparable isotopes.
I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get,
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: [choked up] Oh, Howie!
Howard: If I didn't have you,
Life would be dreary.
I'd be string theory without any string.
I'd be binary code without a one.
A cathode ray tube without an electron gun.
I'd be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon.
I'd speak a lot more Klingon.
Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam [Klingon for "Today is a good day to die."]
Friends: And he'd definitely still live with his mom.
Howard: Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.
You're my best friend and my lover.
We're like changing electric and magnetic fields,
You can't have one without the other.
I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get,
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
Everyone: Oh, we couldn't have imagined how good our lives would get,
From the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

Sheldon: This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and.. .
Amy: And what?
Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.
Amy: What’s wrong?
Sheldon: I've made a horrible mistake.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: This table. It’s in square centimeters. I read it in square meters. Do you know what that means?
Amy: That Americans can’t handle the metric system?
Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.
Amy: But the Chinese team found the element.
Sheldon: Well they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.
Amy: Well, you just got lucky?
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!
Amy: You and me both, brother. It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that’s ground breaking.
Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius. I’m a fraud.

The Proton Displacement [7.07][edit]

Professor Proton: Can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Professor Proton: Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, um, you know. Because we’re friends.
Professor Proton: Why?
Leonard:Wow. You ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but you have to remember he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how he is. Oh, but he’s also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.
Professor Proton: You know, you’re describing a dog.
Leonard: He did bite me once. But in his defense I came up behind him while he was eating.
Professor Proton: They hate that.
Leonard: You, know what. Sheldon is the smartest person I’ve ever met. He’s a little broke and he needs me. I guess I need him too.
Professor Proton: Why’s that?
Leonard: You will not let this go.

Sheldon: Because it’s just so happens I’m also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn’t that right new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.
Bill Nye: Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.
Professor Proton: That’s what I told my lawyers.

The Itchy Brain Simulation [7.08][edit]

Amy: My God, that’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.
Bernadette: That’s Lucy?
Penny: I don’t know why, but I always pictured her as Indian.
Bernadette: I think that reason's called racism.
Penny: I’m going to talk to her.
Bernadette: Why? What are you going to say?
Penny: I’m not going to say anything. I’m going just want to talk her out. She hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s racist now?
Bernadette: You. Because you just called him your Indian friend.
Penny: Yeah, well, you’re short.
Amy: We’re never getting our drinks.
Bernadette: No, believe that.
Penny: Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?
Lucy: Oh, water would be great.
Penny: Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Rajesh Koothrappali. You see, Amy recognized you.
Lucy: Wow, how’s he doing?
Penny: Oh, you know. He’s good.
Lucy: Great.
Penny: Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
Lucy: Um, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Penny: Yea, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.
Lucy: Any chance I can get a different waitress?
Penny: I’m sorry, it’s rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you can do that with me and not with Raj?
Lucy: I don’t know your email.
Penny: You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here perfectly happy and he’s at home a blubbering mess.
Lucy: I thought you said he was OK.
Penny: Well, I also said I was getting your water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, maybe I’m a bad waitress, but you’re a bad person. Now, you want to hear the special?

Sheldon: And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s like an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.

The Thanksgiving Decoupling [7.09][edit]

Penny: Sheldon you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard: You did?
Penny: Yeah. Back when I was dating Zack. Actually it was more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
Leonard: What? You went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
Leonard: Penny, you know those are real. Right?
Penny: No, they’re not. [Laughing it off]
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Penny: [Looking worried] No, they’re not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon: He's right.
Amy: They’re real.
Penny: [quietly] It didn’t seem real.

Zack: I'm not sure about this, I heard splitting affects the children.
Penny: Zack, we don't have any children!
Zack: Are you sure? Cause you didn't even know we were married until this morning.

The Discovery Dissipation [7.10][edit]

[Sheldon is counting his friends]
Penny: He's counting Hobbits and superheroes, right?

Amy: Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a walk together?
Sheldon: Everything is just sex with you, isn’t it?

The Cooper Extraction [7.11][edit]

Bernadette: You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still lived across from him.
Amy: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
[Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters.]
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Doing laundry?
Sheldon: Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I’m in a laundry room, so… I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh my inference is justified. Sheldon you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who is wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story.] OK, that’s enough.
Guys: Disagree.
Penny: [pointing to her bra] So what do you think?
Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon: To what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon: I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.
Sheldon: Penny for the thousandth time. I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.
Guys: That’s enough.

[Sheldon walks up the stairs with a joyful Amy talking about his newborn nephew]
Amy: Did you miss me?
Sheldon: I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Amy: Aww.
Sheldon: Or instead of me.
Amy: Did you hold the baby?
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: did it make you feel?
Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that wouldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying...basically just another day in the office.

The Hesitation Ramification [7.12][edit]

Amy: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don’t have to.

Leonard: [on the phone] Yes, how much for a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: [entering] Hey.
Leonard: I’ll call you back.
Penny: Look I know you we’re trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard: Well, I don’t think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry. I meant to. Anyway. Um. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. I feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard: Come on. It’s okay.
Penny: No it’s not okay. Look at me. Okay. I took a temp job as a waitress like forever ago and I’m still doing it. And I can’t quit because guess what I can’t do anything else. And I finally get my big break. And it goes away. I’m such a mess.
Leonard: No, you’re not.
Penny: Really? ‘Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.
Leonard: Okay, listen to me; this is just a minor setback.
Penny: No it’s not. I've been out here for like ten years and have nothing to show for it.
Leonard: Well, you have me.
Penny: You’re right. I do have you. Hmm. Let’s get married.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Ohh. [kneeling] Leonard Hofstadter. Will you marry me?
Leonard: Umm.
Penny: Did you seriously just say, “Umm?”
Leonard: Look you know I love you, but you’re…you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost…
Penny: Okay. So-so, you don’t want to marry me?
Leonard: That is not what I said.
Penny: No, forget it. I take it back, the offer’s off the table.
Sheldon: [entering] Who is in the mood to laugh?
Leonard: Really not a good time.
Sheldon: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I’m going to go.
Leonard: Penny don’t.
Penny: No, no. I just need to be alone.

The Occupation Recalibration [7.13][edit]

Penny: Why doesn't Leonard get it?
Sheldon: He’s not like us, Penny. We’re dreamers.

Leonard: Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon: I’m willing if you guys are.
Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon: No, I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait? What are we doing?
Leonard: For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

The Convention Conundrum [7.14][edit]

James Earl Jones: The wife is in New York and I’ve got a Lion King residual check burning a hole in my pocket.

Carrie Fisher: [after James and Sheldon ding dong ditch her] It’s not funny anymore, James!
James Earl Jones: Then why am I laughing?!

The Locomotive Manipulation [7.15][edit]

Amy: An evening looking at the stars, that's still kind of romantic.
Raj: Except I'll be alone.
Amy: I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.

Sheldon: Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing at dinner on the train?
Howard: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.
Howard: I don't own a pocket watch.
Sheldon: Oh, my.

The Table Polarization [7.16][edit]

Bernadette: You guys ever thought of getting a dining room table?
Amy: Yeah, you actually do have room for one up there.
Raj: Oh sure! I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl sat 10 seconds and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.
Sheldon: No one is running anywhere. We're not getting a dining room table.
Leonard: I know you don't like change, but it's not a terrible idea.
Penny: You guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?
Sheldon: Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
Howard: How come we never get that option?
Sheldon: Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system if the equation is describing its behavior in non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.
Penny: Translation?
Leonard: [Imitating a baby] Wah! I don't want a table!

[After Howard gets a phone call from NASA asking him to go to space again]
Howard: Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.
Bernadette: Fine, can I at least shower first?

The Friendship Turbulence [7.17][edit]

Penny: It's a sequel of that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.
Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.
Sheldon:: She does. 42 minutes in.
Raj: While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.
Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is.

Sheldon: We were making fun of failed careers. We didn't get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard's.
Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do!
Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says "Help, Hawkeye!"

The Mommy Observation [7.18][edit]

Howard: We can't show up to your mom's empty-handed. We should bring something.
Sheldon: I already am. I'm bringing the gift of knowledge.
Howard: Oh boy.
Sheldon: Despite what her bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn't exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.
Howard: I was gonna say we'd pick up a cake or a pie, but an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.

Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ca-ching you blinky chumps!

The Indecision Amalgamation [7.19][edit]

Leonard: [after Sheldon runs from the room] You're not even going to ask?
Penny: What is this? My first day?

Sheldon: Quick poll: PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj: Xbox One.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: PS4.
Sheldon: Wolowitz?
Howard: Both are great.
Sheldon: Bernadette?
Bernadette: I like the Wii!
Sheldon: Thanks grandma.

The Relationship Diremption [7.20][edit]

Sheldon: This seemed so elegant at the time. But, now I realize I was just a simple country boy, seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

Sheldon: Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children's party while I was in Texas?
Penny: Wait, what's wrong with geology?
Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

The Anything Can Happen Recurrence [7.21][edit]

Penny: So we're about to shoot this scene in the movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere, except my cleavage. So, I ask the director why and he says it's important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.

Penny: [running to a psychic's booth] I think I see our next stop!
Sheldon: You can't be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.

The Proton Transmogrification [7.22][edit]

Sheldon: Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
Raj: Let's get this over with.
Howard: Since we all agree episode I isn't our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time?
Sheldon: Yeah Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favorite, we should just get rid of it.

Sheldon: You've come to me because you're my Obi-Wan.
Arthur: I'm not familiar with that. Is that an Internet?
Sheldon: Wow. You're dead, so I'm gonna let that slide.

The Gorilla Dissolution [7.23][edit]

Penny: There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone's ever seen.
Leonard: I don't know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler's List is tough to beat.

Leonard: C'mon, how can you be sad when you're going home with all 5-foot-6 of this? [Gestures at himself]
Penny: You think you're 5-foot-6. That's funny.

The Status Quo Combustion [7.24][edit]

Bernadette: Howie, I love you. And as your wife, your mother is every bit my problem as she is yours. So… I want a divorce.

Penny: You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon: Good lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.

Season 8[edit]

The Locomotion Interruption [8.01][edit]

Sheldon: Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have-have you tried doing that?
Officer Hernandez: Nope.
Sheldon: Well, maybe you should. Th-th-there's lots of books called "Sherlock Holmes" and there's no books called "Officer Hernandez."

Penny: HEY! Look who's back!
Sheldon: Your hair is different. You changed your hair? I can't take this, I'm out.

The Junior Professor Solution [8.02][edit]

Sheldon: I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
Howard: What a sick use of science.
Raj: Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
Amy: I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Leonard: Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Howard: Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
Sheldon: Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersoldier is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.

Amy: I'm stimulating the pleasures of this starfish. I just need to turn it off.
Penny: What happens if you don't?
Amy: Then I have to sit through lunch knowing this starfish is having a better day than I am.

The First Pitch Insufficiency [8.03][edit]

[Howard gets ready to "pitch" on the game console]
Raj: You suck Wolowitz!
Howard: What's that about?
Raj: I'm heckling you. It's a beloved part of baseball.

Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.
Sheldon: Well, if you're going to serve Cornish game hen you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.
Amy: It's hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.
[They enter the apartment]
Penny: Hey, how was dinner?
Sheldon: Good, I had Cornish game hen.
Leonard: Oh, that poor waiter.

The Hook-up Reverberation [8.04][edit]

Penny: Hey, I hear you're a dermatologist.
Emily: Yeah, I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon: Oh, I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.

Howard: All I know is he's getting my mother buying 4-ply toilet paper. 4-ply! If his butt is so delicate, why doesn't he just use an Angora rabbit?
Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.

The Focus Attenuation [8.05][edit]

Leonard: Maybe we have lost our focus.
Howard: It wouldn't kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas.
Raj: Oooh... We could have one of those retreats.
Leonard: Like our own science retreat.
Howard: My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.
Sheldon: I'm not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?
Leonard: Then we'll go to a hotel.
Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?
Raj: We could go up to Big Bend, get a house on the lake.
Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?
Raj: Nothing bad happens in The Lake House.
Sheldon: Well no, not to them, to me! Time-traveling mail box. The only time that traveled was an hour and a half of my life down the toilet.
Leonard: Fine, then we'll just stay here and do it.
Sheldon: Well you didn't suggest a beach house.
Leonard: You would go to a beach house?
Sheldon: Good Lord no! Have you seen Jaws?

Sheldon: Is "Placed" right?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Is "Placed" the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?
Leonard: "Had will have placed" ?
Sheldon: That's my boy.

The Expedition Approximation [8.06][edit]

Sheldon: Are they making fun of us?
Raj: Yep.
Sheldon: I miss the old days when I didn’t know.

Raj: Hey, Sheldon, you busy?
Sheldon: I'm always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I'm attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I'm composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I've solved the Penrose conjecture, and I'm wondering how mermaids have babies.
Raj: Don't they lay eggs on a rock?
Sheldon: Now I've got room for another thing.

The Misinterpretation Agitation [8.07][edit]

Amy: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is, "Check out the rack on that scientist!"

Sheldon: Leonard! Where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset! We should invite him in for a hot beverage.
Leonard: He tried to score with Penny.
Sheldon: [points at Howard and Raj] So have these two and they're having dinner with us.

The Prom Equivalency [8.08][edit]

Leonard: You know, if you're not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.
Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on.
Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie it for him.
Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

Amy: Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say, but before I do, I just... I want you to know that you don't have to say it back.I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...
Sheldon: I love you, too.
Amy: You said it.
Sheldon: There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.

The Septum Deviation [8.09][edit]

[Sheldon holds a card with "Tesla" written on it to his forehead]
Amy: This is an easy one. You love this guy.
Sheldon: Me!
Amy: C'mon, he's an under-appreciated genius...
Sheldon: Still think it's me.
Amy: It's not you. Now think! There's a car named after him.
Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, 'cause it's me.
Amy: How about this? He's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, Tesla.

Leonard: Buddy, I get that you're worried about me and I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Leonard: Well... I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike.
Sheldon: You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

The Champagne Reflection [8.10][edit]

Leonard: [While going through Professor Abbott's work] What if... what if this is the thing that would've finally let him open that bottle of champagne?
Raj: Maybe he didn't know what to pair champagne with. Strawberries, caviar, oysters. All good choices. [Leonard looks at him] Yeah, that look right there is why people eat before they come to your parties.

Sheldon: I'd like to take a moment to personally thank Doctor Amy Farah-Fowler, who you may know or not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner related internet entertainment show.
Amy: [to the camera] Take that glass ceiling.

The Clean Room Infiltration [8.11][edit]

Leonard: You know what I love about the clean room? No allergies. [Takes deep breath] Whoa! That's a lot of oxygen.

Bernadette: [Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio] Why did you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.
Bernadette: Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon: My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

The Space Probe Disintegration [8.12][edit]

Leonard: Bad news. There's no signal.
Sheldon: Well, there were plenty of things to do before cell phones. I'll look them up. [Pulls out phone before realizing] Son of a biscuit!
Leonard: Just let it go.
Sheldon: What king of store doesn't have wifi? I'm calling their corporate offices - Son of a biscuit!

Sheldon: I have excellent peripheral vision... On a good day I can see my ears.

The Anxiety Optimization [8.13][edit]

Sheldon: I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a test, it gets rewarded with a food pellet.
Amy: It also gets its brain plucked out with a tweezer.
Sheldon: And its last meal is a food pellet? You're a monster

[Leonard is disturbed from his sleep and comes out to find Sheldon working away while listening to a loud racket]
Leonard: [shouting above the noise, but he'd be shouting regardless] What is going on!?
Sheldon: Oh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I'm using Darth Vader, The Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep me in that sweet spot. I tried including Taylor Swift into the mix, but it turns out I love her!
Leonard: A-at least listen to it through headphones, I'm trying to sleep. Goodnight!
[he leaves]
Sheldon: Boy... [stops the audio to put his headphones in] Taylor was right. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.

The Troll Manifestation [8.14][edit]

Sheldon: I've never thought I'd ever get the chance to give you this. Good job. [Puts a sticker on Leonard's shirt]
Leonard: You're giving me a sticker?
Sheldon: Not just a sticker. It has a kitten that says "Me-wow!"
Leonard: I'm not a kindergartner.
Sheldon: All right, I'll take it back.
Leonard: Hey, I earned this, back off!

Raj: I hate how mean everyone is on the internet.
Howard: The anonimity makes people feel they can say things they'd never say to someone's face.
Sheldon: That's funny. I never have any trouble saying what I think to someone's face.

The Comic Book Store Regeneration [8.15][edit]

[The group are preparing Stuart's Comic Book Store for its reopening. It is a tense affair, as Penny has found out that Amy and Sheldon have been testing Chimpanzee puzzles on her, Howard has discovered that his mother, before going to visit her sister in Florida, had loaned Stuart some of her furniture for his store, and Sheldon, having found out that Amy provided Kripke with mathematical assistance, is trying to grasp the concept of letting things go. Leonard is conversing with Penny]
Leonard: I can't believe they did that.
Penny: I know, it's so insulting. At one point, they had me figure out how to get a banana out of a puzzle box!
Leonard: Wait... Sheldon gave me a banana in a puzzle box. He was testing me too!
Penny: Unbelievable.
Leonard: And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.
Penny: Really? You couldn't get it out?
[Amy and Sheldon knock on the door. Raj lets them in, and Sheldon thanks him. Leonard and Penny get up and advance on them at once]
Amy: Wow, the store looks great -
Leonard: So you were testing us both? What is the matter with you?
Penny: What's the matter with them is they think they're so smart, they don't care if they hurt other people's feelings!
Amy: That isn't true!
Sheldon: [concurrently] That sounds like us. [Amy looks at him in irritation] I still don't understand why you're upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.
Amy: Well, except Barnabus, but he was on Adderall.

[Howard and Bernadette come in from the back room, mid-conversation]
Howard: ... I'm sorry, but it's making me crazy.
Bernadette: Can you please just let it go?
Sheldon: Ooh, I can help you with that. Imagine you're holding an ordinary pen - while your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.
[Howard's phone rings]
Howard: Hold that thought. [goes off to answer it in the next room] Hello?
Amy: [To Leonard and Penny] How can I make this up to you?
Penny: [angrily putting both fists together] The answer is in this puzzle box, let's see if you can open it!
[She and Leonard walk away, while Bernadette goes to Stuart]
Bernadette: You could have at least warned him about the furniture.
Raj: That's what I said when we moved it!
Bernadette: You helped him!?
Raj: [sarcastically] No. Stuart picked up those three pillows all on his own.
[Howard returns from his phone call, looking visibly shaken]
Leonard: Hey, you okay?
Howard: [in a dazed voice] No...
Leonard: What's wrong?
Howard: ... My mom died.
[All heads turn towards him in shock]
Bernadette: What!?
Howard: That was my aunt. Ma took a nap and... She never woke up.
Bernadette: [beginning to cry] Oh my God, Howie...
[She embraces him, while the rest of the group solemnly gather round, Penny visibly looking on the verge of tears as well]
Leonard: I'm so sorry.
Raj: What can we do?
Howard: I don't know...
[He sits down in an armchair and buries his face in his hands]
Sheldon: May I say something?
Leonard: [sadly] Not right now, Sheldon.
Sheldon: But I think it would be comforting.
Leonard: Buddy -
Howard: It's okay... [looks up at him] What?
Sheldon: When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.
[Howard gives him a weak smile, while the others remain in shocked silence, both from the news and the fact that Sheldon has said something genuinely supportive]
Penny: [breaking down] I really thought he was gonna say "let it go."

The Intimacy Acceleration [8.16][edit]

Bernadette: You'd better find my husband's mother, 'cause one way or another, we're walkin' out of this airport with a dead woman!

Penny: Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Sheldon: Hmm. Living or dead?
Penny: Just says "anyone in the world." Guess that means living.
Sheldon: Oh, that's just as well. As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals, and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know! The person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.
Penny: You sure that's your choice? 'Cause I've had that dinner.
Sheldon: Well, I haven't. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?
Penny: Robert Downey Jr.
Sheldon: You... Oh! I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert

The Colonization Application [8.17][edit]

Leonard: Why a turtle?
Sheldon: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.
Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.
Sheldon: And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.

Sheldon: I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can't take this away.

The Leftover Thermalization [8.18][edit]

Howard: Oh, man. This is the boutineer from my high school prom. A piece of cake from my Bar Mitzvah.
Bernadette: Did she throw anything away?
Howard: No. If I find my foreskin, I'm gonna kill myself.

Penny: I don't think I've eaten that much in my entire life.
Howard: That's why my people wandered the desert for forty years. Took that long to walk it off.

The Skywalker Incursion [8.19][edit]

Sheldon: What do you say to a graduate of the U.C. Berkeley Physics Department? I'll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.

Amy: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.

The Fortification Implementation [8.20][edit]

Leonard: Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this--
Sheldon: Agreed.
Leonard: I was going to say "or," but why bother?

Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay. [sits on floor. Gasps] Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

The Communication Deterioration [8.21][edit]

Sheldon: [singing] The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.
Leonard: That's pretty cool, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.

Penny: [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [Sheldon opens the door, smirking, and she grins at him]
Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon: I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

The Graduation Transmission [8.22][edit]

Sheldon: Aren't you afraid of being blinded?
Leonard: How would I be blinded?
Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.
Leonard: I'll take my chances.
Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.

Sheldon: Won't that void the warranty?
Howard: Sheldon, I have a masters degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for Apple Care. That pays for itself in the long run.

The Maternal Combustion [8.23][edit]

Mary: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
Mary: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Mary: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Penny: Well, come on, she did kinda start it.
Mary: Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.

The Commitment Determination [8.24][edit]

Amy: Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon: Irony's not really my strong suit.

Sheldon: [Skyping with Amy] I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...
Amy: I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.
Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.
Amy: Okay, well... this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but...I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.
Sheldon: [speechless] Oh.
Amy: I hope you understand.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: Bye, Sheldon.
[She ends the session. Sheldon shuts his laptop and looks at a statue of Gollum.]
Sheldon: Well,'re an expert on rings. [Opens drawer and picks up an engagement ring in a box] What do I do with this one?

Season 9[edit]

The Matrimonial Momentum [9.01][edit]

Penny: So what package were you thinking?
Leonard: Well this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, and they even stream the whole thing live on the internet.
Penny: Why would we want that?
Leonard: Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, near-sighted scientist? Let's give them hope.
Penny: Whatever. Put us on the internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comments section.

Mary: Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.
Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
Mary: When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.

The Separation Oscillation [9.02][edit]

Sheldon: The show must go on, and thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.

Howard: Why are marine biologists always so cute?
Raj: I don't know, but I'd like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.
Leonard: That's not helpful.
Howard: Then I won't say I'd like to cover three quarters of her surface area.
Leonard: Are you done?
Raj: Not yet, this is fun! Ooh, I know... I'd let her free my Willy.
[Leonard gets up]
Raj: Where are you going?
Leonard: Going to ask her if she'd be willing to talk to Penny. Tell her she has nothing to worry about.
Howard: Leonard wait.
Leonard: What?
Howard: I'd like to spongebob her squarepants.
Raj: Now we are done.

The Bachelor Party Corrosion [9.03][edit]

Howard: I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
Sheldon: And talked about physics with them!

Leonard: If there was a hidden compartment, don't you think you'd be stuffed in it by now?

The 2003 Approximation [9.04][edit]

Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the postmortem neuron induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
Leonard: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy, you're a young man.
Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here, I'm 90.

Sheldon: I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.
Amy: I don't think that was the point of the movie.
Sheldon: Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.
Amy: There you go.

The Perspiration Implementation [9.05][edit]

Barry: Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing club. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn't a joke. I hope you're not here because you think it's going to be like Star Wars.
Leonard: That's not why we're here.
Raj: Yeah, I'm here because I think it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.
Howard: And maybe a little Princess Bride.
Raj: Ooh, ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride! That's my answer!

Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?
Barry: Yes?
Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?
Barry: In fencing, we don't call it a stab. We call it a touch.
Sheldon: Uh, yes, I'm aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I'll get called into Human Resources.

The Helium Insufficiency [9.06][edit]

Barry: Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: No chance.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn't your mother tell you? It's the best policy.

Howard: What was wrong with that guy?
Raj: Um, he's Indian. We've already got one of those.

The Spock Resonance [9.07][edit]

Wil Wheaton: Hey Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.
Adam Nimoy: Nice to meet you.
Sheldon: Oh, it's nice to meet you. I admire your father's work very much. It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life journey began in my hero's scrotum.
Wil Wheaton: [quietly aside to Adam Nimoy] I told you this guy is gold.

[Sheldon is showing the valuables he keeps in his lock box]
Sheldon: [bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.
Leonard: You have a will?
Sheldon: Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.
Leonard: Will Wil want it?
Wil Wheaton: Wil won't.

The Mystery Date Observation [9.08][edit]

Amy: Some people think the sexiest organ is the brain.
Penny: No one ever bought me drinks at a bar because my brain just popped out of my shirt.

Amy: If you don't mind me asking, why did you and your wife split up?
Dave: Oh, you know how it is. We wanted different things. I wanted children, and she wanted a pastry chef named Jean-Philippe.
Amy: Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Dave: Ah, that's fine. That's why I left England. It reminded me too much of her - cold, gloomy and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel.

The Platonic Permutation [9.09][edit]

Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, a list would be at the top of that list.

Sheldon: I excel at many things, but getting over you isn't one of them. It's best we stay friends.

The Earworm Reverberation [9.10][edit]

[Sheldon and Leonard are working on calculations. Sheldon hums the beginning of Darlin']
Leonard: Since when do you hum songs?
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Leonard: You were just humming.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving it makes noise.
Leonard: How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?
Sheldon: Let's see... [starts humming again] Hey! I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff.

Bernadette: He spent an entire date talking about how much he loves Sheldon.
Amy: It's nothing Sheldon hasn't done before.

The Opening Night Excitation [9.11][edit]

[Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are trying to buy tickets for the opening night of Star Wars]
Sheldon: The website's frozen. I can't get in.
Leonard: Same here.
Raj: Guys, they're going to sell out!
Howard: What are we gonna do?
Sheldon: Alright. This goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. [Kneels on the floor in a prayer stance] Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've spent my life denying that you exist...
Howard: Got them!
Sheldon: ...and I will continue to do so!

Amy: I'm just... really nervous.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: I've been waiting for this for so long. I've just built it up in my head. I don't know what to expect.
Sheldon: Neither do I. But... we can find out together.

The Sales Call Sublimation [9.12][edit]

Sheldon: Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?
Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.
Sheldon: Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?
Raj: I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.
Sheldon: That's the one to beat! Leonard?
Leonard: Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.
Sheldon: Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.
Raj: Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.
Sheldon: Stop selling it kid, you won.

Howard: Too busy to call? He wasn't too busy to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password!

The Empathy Optimization [9.13][edit]

Penny: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day, How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!
Bernadette: Maybe he uses kryptonite.
Emily: Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
Penny: No, no, no, no, no, I've seen that movie. It's called Iron Man.
[the guys are stupefied]
Leonard: What is happening?
Howard: I don't know.
Raj: But it's beautiful.
Penny: How's Ben Affleck as Batman?
Emily: Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.
Penny: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
Bernadette: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet.
Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard: And it's gone.

Amy: Hi Sheldon, what's new?
Sheldon: My friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.
Amy: I said "what's new", but sure...

The Meemaw Materialization [9.14][edit]

Penny: You know, the last time I got a handwritten letter was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.
Leonard: That someone has a name.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Meemaw: No wine for me. Sheldon's bringing me my whiskey.
Sheldon: There you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like it. A lot, in a glass.

The Valentino Submergence [9.15][edit]

Raj: You say it like it's easy! Has any one of you ever broken up with anyone?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: You know, once I ordered an Uber by accident, and I just got in and went somewhere.

Howard: Should we name him?
Bernadette: It is Valentine's Day. How about Valentino?
Howard: Nice. A classic rabbit name. Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit. Valentino Wolowitz Rabbit. Oh, look at all that chest hair and overbite. Of course you're a Wolowitz.

The Positive Negative Reaction [9.16][edit]

Leonard: What's going on?
Howard: I'm going to be a father.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Sheldon: Oh no!
Leonard: Why "Oh no"?
Sheldon: Because this changes everything! You know, what about comic book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
Leonard: Relax, there's room for two babies in this group.
Sheldon: O dear luck, Penny's pregnant too?
Leonard: You're the other baby!
Sheldon: Oh really? Well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?
Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?
Sheldon: I guess we'll call this a draw.

Howard: Okay, how about this for an invention? Slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas?
Leonard: How is that a new invention?
Howard: I don't know. All Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.

The Celebration Experimentation [9.17][edit]

Howard: Really? You're ahead of Bale? The man who personified the words, "I'm Batman"?
Adam West: I never had to say I'm Batman. I showed up. People knew I was Batman. Everywhere I went. On the TV show, mall openings, Julie Newmar's bungalow.
Leonard: I'm sold- you're ahead of Bale.
Adam West: There's another reason I should be higher on the list. All those other guys had muscles built into their costumes. All I had in my Batsuit was 100%, grade-A West.

Penny: All right, what about music?
Sheldon: I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat music.
Penny: No music it is.

The Application Deterioration [9.18][edit]

[Howard, Leonard and Sheldon are waiting at the patenting office]
Howard: Okay, I've got to ask, why are you wearing a bow-tie?
Sheldon: I've never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.
Howard: Is the impression that your first name is Peewee?
[Leonard laughs]
Sheldon: Yeah, well you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn!

Penny: Hang on, what if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
Leonard: Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?

The Solder Excursion Diversion [9.19][edit]

Leonard: Soup, sandwiches, and emasculation. Just like my mom used to make.

Penny: Oh, they went to the store to get solder. Which is metal you melt to make science things.

The Big Bear Precipitation [9.20][edit]

Penny: That's not what the forest smells like.
Sheldon: Well how would I know?

Sheldon: We'll never win. You always play the drinking game.

The Viewing Party Combustion [9.21][edit]

Sheldon: A party sub implies it's a party.
Leonard: Your attendance implies that it's not.
Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.

Leonard: If Sheldon’s testosterone dipped he’d become a butterfly.

The Fermentation Bifurcation [9.22][edit]

[The guys are telling Zack about their prototype navigation system.]
Howard: You can put it in a satellite or a rocket and it'll run forever.
Zack: Cool. Could it be used for missiles and war stuff?
Howard: Yee-ah. But we didn't create it for weapons.
Leonard: And I doubt that the military would be interested in our little guidance system.
Zack: Is it better than the one they use now?
Leonard and Howard: [together] "Way more." "A lotǃ"
Zack: Huh. You sure you guys are smart?

Sheldon: Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It's good to have extras under the sink.

The Line Substitution Solution [9.23][edit]

Sheldon: You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.

Raj: Boy, all this standing is making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick-chair!
Howard: Stick-chair? You look like an idiot on that thing.
Raj: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.

The Convergence Convergence [9.24][edit]

Beverly: How dare you invite your father without consulting me.
Leonard: Sorry but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
Beverly: You do understand that our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know and there is no excuse for that.
Beverly: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: [To himself] I was wrong, there are three excuses for that.

Mary: So Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, I'm an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.
Mary: My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.
[Alfred laughs]
Sheldon: Don't laugh. She wasn't joking.
Amy: Play with your phone.
Alfred: Well, on that note there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as a part of their mythology.
Mary: I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.
Alfred: Oh. I don't mean to disparage your faith. Actually I admire it.
Mary: Really?
Alfred: Yes, I'm an agnostic myself, but I prayed, many times, to God to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary: Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.


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