The Big Bang Theory (season 12)

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The Big Bang Theory (2007–19) is an American television show, aired on CBS, centering on the lives of two physicists, their neighbor, an aspiring actress and waitress at The Cheesecake Factory and two friends/coworkers at their university.

The Conjugal Configuration [12.01][edit]

Sheldon: Good morning, wife.
Amy: Good morning, husband. I can't believe we're actually married.
Sheldon: It's official. According to tradition we should hang the bed sheets outside so the Villagers can see that we consummated.
[Sheldon makes his way over to the curtains.]]
Amy: I don't think that's appropriate considering where we're starting our Honeymoon.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose you're right...
[Sheldon opens the curtains, revealing LEGOLAND California outside.]
Sheldon: Although when you think about it, Lego is the perfect metaphor for marital congress; two pieces that interlock together with a satisfying snap.
Amy: Oh, that's the sound you were making.
Sheldon: Oh, I almost forgot. While you were sleeping I ordered room service.
Amy: Really?!
[Sheldon lifts the lid off the plate, revealing bacon, eggs, and pancakes made out of Legos.]
Sheldon: Viola! You thought it was going to be food, didn't you?

Sheldon: I'm just worried that if I don't schedule our bedroom endeavours, then I may not think about them, and you'll grow cold and distant and seek solace in the arms of a heavily-muscled long Shore man.
Amy: Where would I find a long Shore man?
Sheldon: Along the Shore. It's in the name.
Amy: Sheldon, I couldn't be with anybody but you.
Sheldon: That's good to know. I wouldn't want to have to fight a man who's brave enough to touch a fish.
Amy: How's this for a compromise; make all the schedules you want. Just don't tell me about them.
Sheldon: Excellent. I'll create an algorithm that'll generate a pseudo-random schedule. And do you know why it won't be a true random schedule?
Amy: Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science.
Sheldon: Come with me.
Amy: Where are we going?
Sheldon: To the Hotel room. And when we get there I'm gonna need you to say that again, except naked.

The Wedding Gift Wormhole [12.02][edit]

Amy: So, do you know what it is?
Bert: Of course I know what it is. It's a silicon dioxide crystal, also known as quartz.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Bert: Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic extrusive of igneous rock formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron-rich lava? Yeah, I'm sure.

The Procreation Calculation [12.03][edit]

Stuart: [to Denise] Wanna see my room?
Denise: Yeah.
Stuart: Cool.
[And they head off]
Bernadette: [to Howard, quietly] How do you feel about this?
Howard: She can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.
Bernadette: No. Them in his room. Doing stuff.
Howard: C'mon. We're sitting right out here. They're not going to do anything.
[as soon as that's out of his mouth, suddenly Sade's "Smooth Operator" starts playing loudly from his room]
Howard: I'd like to change my answer.

The Tam Turbulence [12.04][edit]

Raj: If Tam knows what he did, we can just ask him. He's gonna be on campus tomorrow showing his son around.
Leonard: Won't that make Sheldon mad?
Raj: Everything makes Sheldon mad.
Howard: Yeah. Look at his list. Jim Henson for, quote, "putting a terrifying, giant yellow bird on television and in my nightmares."

Raj: [On the phone] Just do me a favor and stay away from her. [Hangs up]
Penny: Ugh, God, now I feel bad.
Bernadette: I know. Maybe we should take her out again and do some damage control.
Penny: You know, that's a good idea. Think she can get us into SoHo House?
Bernadette: [acting giddy] I don't know, but we owe it to Raj to try.

Amy: Hey, watcha doing?
Sheldon: [on his laptop] Improving our wedding photos.
Amy: Oh, that's nice. Wait, I'm still in them, right?
Sheldon: Of course. And not only you. I've added some guests who couldn't be there.
Amy: [sitting down and looking at the screen] Who's that next to my father?
Sheldon: The Wright brothers.
Amy: And why are they at our wedding?
Sheldon: Orville, because I admire him; Wilbur, because he was Orville's plus-one.

Amy: You've got an e-mail from someone named Tam.
Sheldon: Tam? What does he want?
Amy: Uh... looks like he's coming to give his son a tour of CalTech. He's hoping you guys can meet up.
Sheldon: [scoffs] He would like that, wouldn't he?
Amy: Well, that's the gist of the e-mail.

Amy: Who's Tam?
Sheldon: He was my best friend in the whole world growing up.
Amy: Really? Why have I never heard you mention him before?
Sheldon: Oh, of course I have. I'm sure I've mentioned him, like, five times this week.
Amy: I don't think you have.
Sheldon: [irritably, counting on his fingers] Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam Tam! There. It's only Thursday.

The Planetarium Collision [12.05][edit]

Leonard: What were you guys giggling about?
Penny: They were passing notes to each other.
Leonard: Oh-ho, love notes?
Penny: If you love math.
Sheldon: And we do.
Amy: It's for our super-asymmetry theory.
Sheldon: Yeah, Amy and I have been having so much fun collaborating together.
Penny: Well, you know what they say, you never collaborate as much as your first year of marriage.

Raj: I came here for your support.
Leonard: Well, then, you just walked up three flights of stairs for nothing.
Penny: Wait, don't you mean four flights?
Leonard: No, it's actually three.
Penny: But we're on the fourth floor. I mean, you have the lobby, first floor, second, third, fourth.
Leonard: The lobby's the first floor, so lobby, second, third, fourth.
Penny: That does not seem right.

Penny: So when was the last time you saw Howard in his astronaut uniform?
Bernadette: About a week ago.
Penny: Really? What was the occasion?
Bernadette: Date night. We do a little role-playing.
Penny: What role do you play?
Bernadette: (Russian accent) I am Ykatarina Nazdorovya, lonely Russian cosmonaut who is expert at physics and making love.
Penny: Okay, that just made the next hour really weird.

Howard: Thank you, Raj, that was a really nice introduction.
Raj: Well, it's from my heart. So, Howard, you are in an elite group. Only 232 people have ever been on the International Space Station. How does that make you feel?
Howard: Honestly, lucky. Most astronauts have to train their whole lives. I was just in the right place at the right time.
Raj: Oh, please, luck had nothing to do with it. You people need to know how impressive this man is. He was up there because he's the only one qualified to install a piece of equipment that he designed.
Howard: Thanks, but if you want to talk impressive, this guy right here discovered a planetary object outside the Kuiper belt.
Raj: He worked on the Mars rover.
Howard: He helped launch the New Horizons space probe.
Raj: He went to space on a Russian rocket.
Howard: And I was scared the whole time.
Raj: And I was scared for you, but also proud.
Howard: Wow. I don't think you've ever said that to me before.
Raj: I should have, and I'm gonna say it again. I'm proud of you. You're my best friend, and I love you.
Howard: Aw, Raj, I love you, too.
Bernadette: What is happening?
Raj: Bring it in, spaceman, you've been cleared for landing.

Professor Proton: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Arthur. Now, I'm confused, usually when you appear to me in my dreams, we're on the planet Dagobah.
Professor Proton: This is Dagobah.
Sheldon: I didn't know that Dagobah had delicatessens.
Professor Proton: Not good ones. Whatever you do, don't order the Reuben.

The Imitation Perturbation [12.06][edit]

Leonard: Hey, happy Halloween.
Penny: Oh! Trick or treat.
Leonard: No. Sorry, you're not wearing a costume.
Penny: Yeah, I am. I'm a pharmaceutical sales rep.
Leonard: I'm gonna need more.
Penny: Okay, failed actress who traded constant rejection for a Christmas bonus and a dental plan?
Leonard: Go nuts.
Penny: Oh. I will.

Leonard: Hey, do you remember what happened at that first Halloween party that you invited me to?
Penny: When I threw up in the pumpkin?
Leonard: More memorable than that.
Penny: Really? That was pretty impressive.
Leonard: We had our first kiss. On this very couch.
Penny: No, no, our first kiss was at your birthday. Remember? I threw you a party, you didn't make it, and I felt bad for you.
Leonard: No, no, it was on Halloween, and you felt bad for me.
Penny: If we're gonna go through every party where I felt bad for you, we're gonna be here awhile.

Howard: Hello. [dressed like Sheldon, imitating him]
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: I see you are dressed as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. May I assume that Amy is going as his wife, Clara Clayton, from Back to the Future Part III?
Sheldon: She is. [then asks Howard] Did you do something different to your hair?
Howard: Yes
Sheldon: Looking good.

Leonard: Oh, my God, you look amazing.
Raj: I find you guilty of murder, because you are killing it.
Howard: (imitating Sheldon) Well, technically, the Supreme Court wouldn't determine a defendant's guilt or innocence in a criminal matter. They could only reverse or revamp a jury's conviction based on a constitutional or statutory issue.

The Grant Allocation Derivation [12.07][edit]

Sheldon: This reminds me of a traditional Amish barn raising. With everyone pitching in.
Howard: How exactly are you pitching in?
Sheldon: I don't hear anyone else giving facts about traditional Amish barn raising.
Leonard: The rest of us are pitching in with hammers and nails.
Sheldon: Well, facts are my nails, and my voice is the hammer which pounds them through the wood of your skull.
Penny: Well, that is how it feels.

Amy: Whatcha doin'?
Penny: You scared me.
Amy: I'll ask again. What-cha doin'?
Penny: Nothing.
Amy: Really? You and Bernadette aren't doing stuff without me?

Leonard: Wait, you can make this decision. You don't care if you upset people. You can pick for me.
Sheldon: I certainly could.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Sheldon: But I won't. I think this is a learning opportunity for you.
Leonard: Sheldon, come on.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I upset you?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Ask me how I feel about that.

Raj: Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, that's just Bernadette. She's been hiding out in there all week.
Raj: Really? Why?
Howard: I don't know. She's been a little overwhelmed at work. And, frankly, me and the kids are a lot. She just needs some downtime.
Raj: And you just pretend like you don't know?
Howard: Sure. That's how marriage works. Three years ago, I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't. Someday, she's gonna find out. I'm gonna say, "Ha-ha! I know you've been hiding in the playhouse."

Leonard: The europium laser is so cool. It has a four-level f-f transition which provides for high power output, and its quantum efficiency is off the charts.
Sheldon: What are you going to use it for?
Leonard: I have no idea.
Sheldon: Leonard, there's a crow on your roof.
Leonard: I see it.
Sheldon: Is that one of Dr. Lee's crows?
Leonard: It has a tag on its leg.
Sheldon: Don't make any sudden moves.
Leonard: Smart. Let's stand perfectly still and-
Sheldon: He's the one you want!

The Consummation Deviation [12.08][edit]

Raj: Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day?
Leonard: Three months from now? No.
Penny: What, no?
Leonard: I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.

Amy: Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?
Raj: Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.
Sheldon: Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
Penny: Really? My parents love Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah. And my mother loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.

Raj: Hey, guys, before Anu gets here, can I talk about the seating situation? I really don't want her to sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Oh, no problem. Bernadette, floor.
Bernadette: Hey!
Howard: Yeah, you can't make my wife sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Fine. Howard, floor.
Penny: Fine, I'll sit on the floor.
Raj: Thank you, Penny. And Leonard, I was kind of hoping I could sit next to Anu.
Leonard: So now I have to sit next on the floor? It's my house. Why can't Sheldon sit on the floor?
Sheldon: That might be the dumbest thing you have ever said.

Amy: You're up early.
Sheldon: Huh? Yes. I wanted to get a jump on planning a day of fun for you.
Amy: Oh, that's sweet. What are we doing?
Sheldon: Oh, no, just you. I have other plans. Now, would you prefer to see "The Grinch" in 2-D or 3-D?
Amy: I don't wanna see it at all.
Sheldon: Well, let's go 2-D. No sense in spending extra money.
Amy: What are you gonna be doing?
Sheldon: Being a great husband.
Amy: Yeah, you're gonna need to show your work on that.

The Citation Negation [12.09][edit]

Sheldon: You're probably wondering why I put you through this.
Leonard: You mean the last two minutes or the last twenty years?

Amy: Why can't we get a grad student to do it?
Sheldon: We can't trust our paper to a millennial. They'll put unicorn emojis all over it and post it on social media.
Amy: Why would they do that?
Sheldon: Economic anxiety, too much avocado toast, who knows!

Penny: Video games? Is this some kind of Freaky Friday thing where you're actually Howard?
Bernadette: If I were Howard, I'd be doing this. [Looks down her own blouse] And I must say, he's not wrong.

Bernadette: I wanted to talk to Stuart. Is he around?
Denise: No. Doctor's appointment.
Bernadette: Is he okay?
Denise: Not since I've known him.
Bernadette: Which brings up a question: You and Stuart. Why?
Denise: My parents used to run a funeral home. Read into that what you will.

Denise: And now my question: You and Howard. Why?
Bernadette: You got eyes. What do you think?

The VCR Illumination [12.10][edit]

Penny: Okay, Sheldon and Amy are still pretty upset about their theory being disproved.
Leonard: So we have made a list of subjects for everyone to avoid.
Penny: Symmetry.
Leonard: Asymmetry.
Penny: Oh, "Sim City". Sounds too much like symmetry.
Leonard: That also applies to "The Simpsons", Simba from "The Lion King", and cymbals.
Penny: Russia or Russian in any context. The country, the dressing, the roulette.
Leonard: Uh, also, no talk of "Rocky IV".
Bernadette: Why "Rocky IV"?
Howard: Because he fights a Russian. I'm sorry about her.

Amy: Is that your dad?
Sheldon: It is.
Amy: I've only seen pictures of him.
George Sr.: [on the tape] I know we're down, by a lot. And if I'm being honest with you, we're probably not gonna win this one. In fact, we're definitely not gonna win this one.
Amy: Do you want me to turn it off?
George Sr.: But we're not gonna quit, either. And if we do lose, you need to know that doesn't make you losers. You learn as much about who you are and what you're made of from failing as you do from success. Maybe more. So you can spend the next half feeling sorry for yourselves, or you can get out there and give 'em hell.
Georgie: Yeah! Let's give 'em hell!
George Sr.: Oh... watch your mouth, your mom might...
Sheldon: [pausing the tape] I remember that game.
Amy: Did they win?
Sheldon: Oh, no. No, they lost so bad, the other team let one of their cheerleaders try to kick a field goal.

Young Sheldon: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Sheldon.
Young Sheldon: If you're watching this, I assume something bad has happened. Something unfortunate and unforeseen. Something that's making you question everything.
Sheldon: I'm so smart.
Young Sheldon: Now just to make sure it's really you watching this and not an imposter, what am I thinking of? On the count of three. One, two, three.
Both: Robot monkey butler.
Young Sheldon: Okay, good.
Amy: Should I leave you two alone?
Young Sheldon: Sheldon, never forget, no matter how bad things seem, you al...

Sheldon: The only fitting send-off: a Viking funeral.
Leonard: You mean, like, push it out into a lake and shoot it with a flaming arrow?
Sheldon: This guy gets it.
Penny: How about a bathtub and a match?
Sheldon: How about a bathtub and a flaming arrow?
Amy: How about a bathtub, a match, and an ice-cold Yoo-Hoo after?
Sheldon: Sold.

The Paintball Scattering [12.11][edit]

Penny: Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.
Sheldon: You know what I call this drink?
Penny: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...
Amy: He is also sweet and bubbly.
Leonard: A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: Yay.
Sheldon: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Ah, President Siebert.
President Siebert: What are you doing in the regular cafeteria? You're a superstar. No offense, worker bees.

President Siebert: Welcome to the inner sanctum.
Sheldon: Oh, I do love a good sanctum.
Amy: Sheldon, look at my fruit plate. It's got kiwi on it.
Sheldon: Ugh. I don't like kiwi.
Amy: Neither do I, but it's so fancy.

Stuart: I didn't know your roommate was moving out.
Denise: Yeah. I've been looking for a new one, but... so far no luck.
Penny: You hear that? She needs a roommate.
Denise: What do you think, Stuart?
Stuart: Uh, i-i-it, uh... flight. [leaving] Flight.
Penny: [to Leonard] That was hard to watch.

The Propagation Proposition [12.12][edit]

Leonard: So are you saying you’re okay with this?
Penny: I don’t know, but when I told you I didn’t want kids you didn’t have a say in that so maybe I don’t need to have a say in this.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: They couldn’t have picked a better person.

The Confirmation Polarization [12.13][edit]

Amy: Maybe you should.
Sheldon: What?
Amy: This has been your lifelong dream. And you may not get another chance. I don;’t want to be the reason that you don’t win a Nobel.
Sheldon: You’re the only reason I deserve one.
Amy: But if your best shot is with them I think you should take it.
Sheldon: Is this what you really want me to do?
Amy: I want you to be happy.
Sheldon: Thank you. (Hugs.)

The Meteorite Manifestation [12.14][edit]

Sheldon: I went down to the city compliance office to turn you in.
Howard: Are you kidding?
Sheldon: But I didn’t do it. I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten laws of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena City and Planning Department.
Bernadette: Aw.
Howard: Really? Aw?
Sheldon: And you’ll be happy to know that while I was there I did look into your neighbor’s balcony and it is encroaching on your property line. I had all this pent-up snitch energy so I reported him hard.
Howard: What did they say?
Sheldon: He’s going to have to remove it.
Bernadette: So the good guys win?
Sheldon: Well, I don’t know if I’d call you the good guys. You’re enforcing a law on him which you’re willfully ignoring yourselves.
Bernadette: Uh. All right, fine. The morally compromising guys win!
Sheldon: Apparently so.

Stuart: Is it me or has no one been in the store for hours?
Denise: Yeah, it’s weirdly quiet. Nobody’s in the street.
Stuart: Huh, that’s strange.
Denise: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Stuart: They cut that meteorite open and unleashed a space plague.
Denise: Exactly.
Stuart: Let me just lock up here.
Denise: Okay, so what do we do?
Stuart: Uh, well, if this is a worst case scenario and we’re the last two people alive we’re gonna have to rebuild civilization.
Denise: Do you have any special skills?
Stuart: I can draw. How bout you?
Denise: I can play clarinet.
Stuart: I didn’t know that.
Denise: Yeah. Ten years. Ah.
Stuart: You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the earth.
Denise: I’m okay with that.
Stuart: So shall we?
Denise: Wait here. I’m gonna brush my teeth.
Stuart: (Sheldon shows up) We’re closed.
Sheldon: This is going on Yelp.

The Donation Oscillation [12.15][edit]

Penny: Okay, that’s my dad. Now remember, don’t bring up any baby stuff. All right? Not me wanting one, not you having one with Zack.
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: And if he brings it up, just change the subject to literally anything else.
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: But not the Cornhuskers, Do not discuss the Cornhuskers.
Leonard: IS that a sports team?
Penny: Never mind, you’re good.

Leonard: Penny, doesn't want to have kids. I can respect that. But this is my chance to leave a little part of me behind.
Amy: Okay, but this isn't going to make you a dad. It's gonna be their baby, not yours.

Wyatt: You think you’re mad at me and Leonard, but maybe you’re really mad at yourself.
Penny: Why would I be mad at myself?
Wyatt: Cause your regret this “no baby” plan of yours.
Penny: You know it’s pretty crappy of to make me feel bad about this.
Wyatt: I’m not trying to make you feel bad. But…no you?
Penny: Yes. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Hate disappointing Leonard, but I really hate disappointing you.
Wyatt: Oh, Slugger, you could never disappoint me. Okay, your high school years were a little rough.
Penny: And I’m sorry about that.
Wyatt: There was you sneaking out at night and your boyfriends sneaking out in the morning.
Penny: I said sorry.
Wyatt: That time you got drunk and stole the horse.
Penny: Yeah. I was there. I remember. Parts of it.
Wyatt: But besides all that, being your dad is the best thing ever happen to me.
Penny: What about Lisa and Randall?
Wyatt: They’re okay. And I don’t want you to miss out.
Penny: I know.
Wyatt: But if this is really what you want, or don’t want, I’m on your side.
Penny: Thanks.

The D & D Vortex [12.16][edit]

William Shatner: Hello.
Sheldon: Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.
William Shatner: You can call me Bill.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I call you Captain?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: Please?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: [whispering] Please?
William Shatner: Sure.
Sheldon: And w-will you call me Science Officer Cooper?
William Shatner: This has got to stop.
Sheldon: I think you know how to make it stop.
William Shatner: [handshake] Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

Leonard: Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
Penny: Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
Leonard: I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?
Penny: How do you not know him?
Leonard: Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.
Penny: Wow. That is so cool.
Leonard: Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on "True Blood", he was there.
Penny: What? Joe Manganiello?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Penny: From "Magic Mike"?
Leonard: What's that?
Penny: [showing him photo] Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?
Leonard: He had his clothes on, but yeah.

The Conference Valuation [12.17][edit]

Penny: I want to be really prepared for the conference.
Bernadette: You’re gonna do great.
Penny: You really think so?
Bernadette: Of course. They’re scared of you. You’re scared of me. The system works.

Raj: So you really think you can trick Sheldon into liking babies?
Amy: I slept with him. I married him. You want to bet against me?

Bernadette: Do you realize how amazing this girl?
Penny: Aw, you think I’m amazing?
Bernadette: Stay out of this! Not only is she a helluva salesperson, she the hardest worked I’ve ever seen.

Sheldon: You know spending time with Michael and Halley today really made me think about our future children.
Amy: Huh, what an interesting and completely unforeseen development. What are you thinking?
Sheldon: Well, I just can’t decide. Either five sets of triplets. Or three sets of quintuplets. You know what? It doesn’t matter as long as they’re healthy. And divisible by three.
Amy: That’s a lot of babies, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, only for humans. For frogs, it’s just a drop in the bucket.
Amy: Well, I’m sorry I’m not a frog.
Sheldon: Oh, don’t feel bad, Amy. You’re good enough for me.

The Laureate Accumulation [12.18][edit]

Ellen: So you guys have discovered something pretty amazing in the universe. Obviously I understand high-level physics because I’m a comedian, but...can you explain it to the audience?
Pemberton: Well I don’t know, I’m not sure we’re even smart enough to understand it.

President Siebert: Look it doesn’t matter if they have popular support, we’re gonna get the scientific community behind us.
Leonard: That’s right, the Nobel Prize is about the work, as your fellow scientists we support you and Amy.
President Siebert: That’s great Scooby gang.

Bernadette: And the best part is Stuart showed it to a publisher friend of his and their interested in it.
Raj: That’s so cool.
Howard: No. Absolutely not.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Because I don’t want the whole world to know I was the frightened little astronaut!
Raj: Maybe you should have called it The Bitchy Little Astronaut.

Pemberton: You know, it’s strange. A few months ago nobody paid attention to us and now all of a sudden we’re getting all of these accolades.
Campbell: Yeah, have any of you ever felt like you didn’t deserve it.
Sheldon: Leonard there is something I need to say.
Leonard: Shut up.
Sheldon: Okay.
Pemberton: It’s crazy. We conclusively proved super-asymmetry and yet somehow we still feel like imposters.
Campbell: There should be a term for that.
Amy: Oh, for crying out loud. There is a term for that. It’s called “imposter’s syndrome” and you don’t have it. Because you can’t have it, because you are imposters and you are. We’re the ones who discovered super-asymmetry. So if anyone is going to feel like they have imposter’s syndrome it’s us, because we are not imposters, they are. You’re imposters and you’re frauds.
Sheldon: Is that what I would’ve sounded like?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Yikes.

Leonard: Professor Thorne.
Professor Thorne: Dr. Hofstadter.
Leonard: Uh, you know my wife Penny.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Uh, we wanted to talk to you about Dr. Cooper. Now before you say no…
Professor Thorne: No.
Leonard: Well, then after you say no…
Professor Thorne: No.
Penny: Okay, look, Sheldon a paint in the ass… but Dr. Fowler is really nice. So if you average them out…math…you’ve got someone who’s really okay.
Leonard: But more than the person, the Nobel is about the work. You should understand that more than anybody.
Penny: Yes, because of your work on gravitational waves.
Professor Thorne: You know my work?
Penny: I do, I’m really hogging the conversation. Leonard?
Leonard: Just give them a chance. Science has a history of difficult people. Look at Newton who was a jerk to Leibniz, and Leibniz who was a jerk to everyone.
Penny: Yeah, and you know, I don’t need to tell you that gravitational waves are disturbances in the curvature of space-time. And that the...Hey, you worked on the movie “Interstellar”?

The Inspiration Deprivation [12.19][edit]

Howard: This is a twist. Usually you’re the one called into H.R.
Raj: Yeah, now it’s Amy. Who knew you we’re married to such a bad girl.
Sheldon: I suppose the signs were always there. I mean. She did recently go to that rave in the mall.
Amy: It was a Spenser Gifts.
Sheldon: There was music and a strobe light. If that isn’t a rave, then I don’t know what one is.
Leonard: You don’t know what one is.

Raj: Well, does that take me back.
Howard: Yeah, the two of us, cruising around town looking for women,
Raj: Looking and looking and looking. Remember that time one looked back and said hi?
Howard: Oh yeah. We drove away so fast.

Amy: So apparently, if we win, I’ll be the fourth woman ever to win the Nobel in Physics.
Penny: Wow that is a big deal.

Sheldon: I’m sorry. I know you’re upset and I don’t know how to make it better.
Amy: I don’t know how you can either, I mean, I don’t know if anybody can. I just…I feek like I’m letting everybody down.
Sheldon: I’m about to hold you. Would you like to smell my hand first?
Amy: I’m fine. [They embrace.] [Sigh] Thank-you.
Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr, purr.
Amy: That helps.
Sheldon: Shh. I’m singing.
Amy: Oh.
Sheldon: Soft kitty, warm, little ball of fur...

The Decision Reverberation [12.20][edit]

Sheldon: He is a textbook satisficer.
Leonard: That’s not even a word.
Sheldon: Uh, yes it is. According to Nobel-Prize winning economist Herbert Simon, satisficing is the decision-making strategy whereby a person accepts wherever available option is satisfactory rather than seeking out the action that would make him happiest as I just did when I explained what satisficing is.

Penny: Well, this looks great.
Leonard: You didn’t even open it.
Penny: Well, no. It has a nice, you know, science-y heft to it.

Penny: Hey, how did it go?
Leonard: Great.
Penny: What? So did you get the job?
Leonard: I did not.
Penny: So did you quit? Leonard, I can’t move. I just bought a six-month membership to SoulCycle.
Leonard: Well, I didn’t quit. I was going to. I walk out of the door and started crying. You know: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What’d I do? And then he called me back in.
Penny: Then he changed his mind?
Leonard: He did not.
Penny: I’m really confused how to react to this story.
Leonard: President Siebert didn’t want to lose me. Even though they couldn’t make me a lead investigator on a plasma team, there was an opening for a co-lead on a photon entanglement team. How cool was that?
Penny: You’re gonna have to tell me.
Leonard: It’s really cool.
Penny: Yay. Oh, I am so happy for you.
Leonard: I almost got what I wanted, it would never had happed if you hadn’t almost belived in me.
Penny: Oh, let’s celebrate. What do you want to do?
Leonard: Oh, please don’t make me make decide thing.
Penny: Hey, do you want to go to SoulCycle with me?
Leonard: Give me a minute, I’ll think of something.

Sheldon: If this is what he wants, he should ask for it. I mean, what’s the worst that happens? They say no.
Leonard: Well, I’m not going to let them say no. If they don’t want me to quit, this is what it’s gonna take.
Penny: Wait, you’re gonna quit.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like you said, I have to go after what I want, and if I can’t get that at Caltech, there are plenty of other universities in the world.
Penny: Wh..In the world? I can’t even get you to the beach and now you want to move to the world?
Leonard: Well I don’t want to, if that’s what I have to do.
Penny: Okay, don’t you think threatening to quit you r job is something you should run by me first?
Leonard: You said I shouldn’t worry about your feelings.
Penny: I meant feelings about things that I don’t care about.

The Plagiarism Schism [12.21][edit]

Pemberton: The point is we should take it as a compliment that even you guys think we’ll win the Nobel Prize.
Amy: Uh, no. We certainly do not think that.
Sheldon: The Nobel Committee will realize that we came up with this theory.
Campbell: But we proved it.
Amy: By accident.
Pemberton: All breakthroughs happen by accident.
Amy: No, they don’t!

Sheldon: Why is this decision so hard?
Raj: Maybe because you want to win, but deep down you know it’s not the honorable way to do it. Otherwise, you’d done it all ready.
Amy: That’s really wise.
Sheldon: Yes, but it may just be the Indian accent.

Pemberton: Hold on, are you blackmailing us?
Amy: No, the opposite.
Pemberton: We’re blackmailing you?
Amy: How are you up for a Nobel?

Leonard: Can’t believe it. Sheldon loves telling on people when they break the rules.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe, he’s changed.
Leonard: He hasn’t changed. Last week when the vending machine gave me two bags of chips he called my mom.
Penny: Well, that didn’t ruin your life.
Leonard: Well, it ruined my day. And I had to talk to my mom, who by the way is polyamorous now. So that’s fun to think about.
Penny: Look, I’m proud of Sheldon and Amy. You know, they want to win on their own merits, not by knocking out the competition.
Leonard: Yeah, but what if they don’t win. Pemberton and Campbell have done an amazing job associating their names with super-asymmetry. They have all the momentum right now.
Penny: I don’t like the idea of them losing either, but this is their decision to make, not ours.
Leonard: Maybe it is ours.
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, if Sheldon and Amy don’t want to expose Pemberton, that doesn’t meant that someone else can’t do it for them. They never have to know.
Penny: Really? You’d do that?
Leonard: They deserve the Nobel. I’m not goon let two frauds steal it from them. And if it means getting my hands dirty, then so be it. [Penny laughs.] What’s so funny?
Penny: Just realized I’ve never actually seen your hands dirty.

The Maternal Conclusion [12.22][edit]

Amy: I don’t want to be the only one that doesn’t go. I’ll just sit here afraid that you’re all talking about me.
Penny: We’re not going to talk about you.
Amy: That’s my other fear.

Beverly: Really. A photon entanglement team.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m actually the co-lead.
Penny: Yeah, if you like photons and how they get entangled, he’s your co-guy.

Howard: So she’s coming over again?
Stuart: Yeah, we’re gonna do a movie night.
Howard: It’s my house. Don’t you think you should ask me?
Stuart: You’re right, I’m sorry. Howard, would you like to come to movie night?

Penny: Still, it made him so happy showing you around his lab yesterday.
Beverly: Interesting. Would you say that made him, much happier than usual, somewhat happier than usual or as happy as usual?
Penny: Hm, multiple choice. I’m a-go with “D”; that’s a weird question.
Leonard: It made me really happy. We haven’t always had the easiest relationship. But, looking back, I guess you were trying to push me to be the best version of myself.
Beverly: So you would say my parenting strategies, although difficult at times, directly contributed to your current success?
Penny: Well, I may have had a little something to do with it. I mean, how often do you wear your super-hero underwear now?
Leonard: Only Fridays and my birthday.
Penny: Yeah, that was all me. That was me.
Beverly: Yeah, that’s a fair point. I hadn’t considered your influence. Perhaps tomorrow I could observe the two of you together?
Penny: Uh, observe? What is going on?
Beverly: Well, I’m just visiting with my son. And doing research for my book on how various parenting strategies affected my children as adults.
Leonard: This is all work for you? Hanging out with me and coming into my lab. I..I thought we were enjoying each other’s company, but it was just research.
Beverly: I was enjoying it, you know I love research.
Leonard: I can’t believe this.
Beverly: What? You seem angry.
Leonard: Of course, I’m angry!
Beverly: Well, would you say you’re somewhat angry, very angry or extremely angry? Never mind, I can see it in your face, dear.

Leonard: Penny, can I have a moment alone with my…?
Penny: Yep, bye. [Leaves.]
Beverly: Have you calmed done?
Leonard: No, I’m not calm. You really hurt me.
Beverly: That wasn’t my intention.
Leonard: It doesn’t matter what you intended. What matters is the way you made me feel. Actually the way you always made me feel.
Beverly: I see, so…
Leonard: Yeah. And get comfortable, it’s a long list. [Exhales.]
Beverly: Is it happening soon?
Leonard: You know, it doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter, you’re never gonna change. If I want you to accept me for me, then I guess I’m gonna have to accept you for you. So…I forgive you.
Beverly: I didn’t ask you to forgive me.
Leonard: Too bad! I forgive you anyway. And I forgive myself taking so long for doing it. Oh, my God, that feels so good.
Beverly: I must admit it…it does feel good.
Leonard: What does?
Beverly: You forgiving me. It means a lot. Thank you. [She hugs Leonard, who hugs her even harder while crying.]

The Change Constant [12.23][edit]

Amy: We won.
Penny: Congratulations!
Leonard: Oh, my god!
Sheldon: We did it.
Amy: I know. Can you believe it?
Sheldon: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming? [everyone gasps as Leonard slaps him, hard] We won the Nobel Prize!

Raj: Was it your left hand or your right hand?
Leonard: Right. Spit actually flew out of his mouth.
President Siebert: Hey, fellas. Can you do me a favor?
Raj: Do we have a choice?
President Siebert: Ha-ha. No. Sheldon and Amy are now officially superstars and the press will be reaching out to their family and friends for comment. So that we’re all on the same page the word we’re going to use to describe them is “quirky”. And not “quirky”, more like “quirky” [Squeaky.].
Howard: So not Mr. and Mrs. Wackadoodle?
President Siebert: Ho-ho-ho. You bitter envious little man.
Amy: [Sheldon and Amy enter to a round of applause.] Thank you so much. [Sheldon run out.]
President Siebert: And now we call that. Quirky.
Raj: Quirky.
Leonard: Quirky.
Howard: Quirky.

Amy: And how does it feel to be married to a Nobel Prize winner?
Sheldon: You tell me. Oh, Amy-centric. What a fun way to look at it.
Amy: I think so.
Sheldon: You would, that makes sense. [Phone keeps ringing.] Oh, aww. It’s a congratulation text from my Meemaw. Oh, oh. And there’s one from my mom. Any my sister. Oh and my brother. And my brother’s ex-wife. My brother’s other ex-wife. Boy, they don’t tell when you win a Nobel it chews up your battery life.
Amy: [Phone keeps ringing.] Oh, that’s me. It’s CVS. My prescription’s ready. Oh, and also it’s my dad. He says congratulations and he loves me.
Sheldon: Nothing about me? [Phone rings.] Oh, it’s your dad. I’m good. You know, when you think about it, now that we’re Nobel Prize winners, our names will be linked together forever.
Amy: We’re married. Our names are already linked together.
Sheldon: Oh please, that’s just a piece of paper. This is a piece of paper and a medal.
Amy: It’s weird. I don’t really feel different, but I guess our lives will never by the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I don’t know. We’re going to work like always. I still put my pants on both legs at a time.
Amy: One day that’s gonna end very badly. [Leaving the building they are surrounded by reporters.]
Reporter 1: Congratulations. How does it feel?
Amy: Okay, we’re happy to answer your questions, just one at a time please. [Sheldon runs away.]
Reporter 2: Dr. Cooper?
Reporter 3: Is Dr. Cooper coming back?
Amy: No. Next question.

Leonard: Sheldon, that was really rude.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry. Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
Leonard: It's just a haircut and some clothes.
Sheldon: No, it's the last straw! I can't take anymore!
Penny: [the elevator bell dings and the doors open] Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator.

The Stockholm Syndrome [12.24][edit]

Sheldon: [seeing Penny enter the airplane bathroom] That's the fourth time she's been to the bathroom in the last two hours.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So... her breakfast was binding. I made sure of that.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So she clearly has some sort of stomach distress. If it's viral, we're all susceptible.
Amy: She's probably just airsick.
Sheldon: Yeah, but what if she's not? What if we get what she has? What if we infect the King of Sweden? That's how wars start.
[Penny exits the bathroom, then immediately turns back around]
Sheldon: All right, that's it. This is "Outbreak" and she's the monkey.

Sheldon: We need to do something about your wife.
Leonard: What's the matter?
Sheldon: She is clearly sick, and she's gonna take us all down with her.
Leonard: She's not sick, Sheldon.
Sheldon: She is, and I'm gonna catch it, and it's gonna ruin the greatest day of my life.
Leonard: I promise you're not gonna get what she has.

Penny: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Unclean! Unclean!
Penny: What?
Leonard: He thinks you're sick.
Penny: Oh. Should we tell him?
Leonard: Well, if we don't, he might try and jump out of the plane.
Penny: Yeah. Doesn't answer my question.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Penny: I'm pregnant, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're right, I can't catch that. [returning to his seat] Good news, Amy. She's just pregnant.

Sheldon: I have a very long and somewhat self-centered speech here. But I'd like to set it aside. Because this honor doesn't just belong to me. I wouldn't be up here if it weren't for some very important people in my life. Beginning with my mother, father, meemaw, brother, and sister. And my other family, who I'm so happy to have here with us. Is that Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
[Sarah Michelle Gellar, sitting next to Raj, waves]
I was under a misapprehension that my accomplishments were mine alone. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have been encouraged, sustained, inspired, and tolerated not only by my wife, but by the greatest group of friends anyone ever had. I'd like to ask them to stand. [Each standing when named] Dr. Rajesh Koothrapali. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. Astronaut Howard Wolowitz. And my two dearest friends in the world, Penny Hofstadter and Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I was there the moment Leonard and Penny met. He said to me that their babies would be smart and beautiful. And now that they're expecting, I have no doubt that that would be the case.
Penny: [through tears] Thanks, Sheldon. I haven't told my parents yet, but thanks.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Don't tell anyone that last thing. That's a secret.
Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Penny, Leonard, I apologize if I haven't been the friend you deserve. But I want you to know, in my way, I love you all. [Turns to Amy] And I love you. Thank you.

[last lines of the series when everyone is eating in Apartment 4A, the acoustic version of the theme song's chorus plays]
Singer: Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state. Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool. Neanderthals developed tools. We built a wall (we built the pyramids). Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries. That all started with the big bang! Hey!