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Blades of Glory (film)

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Blades of Glory is a 2007 comedy film about figure skating championships.

Directed by Josh Gordon and Will Speck. Written by Jeff Cox & Craig Cox and John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky.
Kick Some Ice (taglines)

Dialogue

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Jimmy: So, Coach. I was thinking about the music for our routine.
Coach: Really?
Chazz: We're gonna skate to one song, and one song only: "Lady Hump" by the Black Eyed Peas. What you gonna do with all that junk? / All that junk inside your trunk? / I'm gonna get you, get you drunk / Get you drunk off my lady humps / My humps, my humps / My lovely lady humps.
Jimmy: [disgusted] I don't even know what that means.
Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
Jimmy: No, it's not. It's gross.
Chazz: It gets the people going.
Chazz: Bunk beds?
Jimmy: I don't share rooms.
Chazz: I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me.
Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron.
Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes wearing night-vision goggles.
Coach: All right, this has got to stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team. You understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together. You are going to pee together. You're going to file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now. End of discussion.
Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it?
Jimmy: Did you just say "mind-bottling"?
Chazz: Yeah. You know when things are so crazy, you get your thoughts trapped, like in a bottle.
Chazz: Why would we step in baby food?
Jimmy: He's talking about the carpet. Berber?
Chazz: What are you? The rug doctor?
Jimmy: Maybe I am.
Chazz: I'm the rug master.
Jimmy: What does that even mean?
Coach: Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
Jimmy: Get out of my face!
Chazz: I'll get inside your face!
Jimmy: Ugh, I'm getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat.
Chazz: Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: What's that, mother? You and father are sad that you were killed, driving Katie to her ice-skating lesson all those years ago? Yeah, me too.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Remember how they used to be alive?
Darren MacElroy: I'm un-adopting you.
Jimmy: What?
Darren MacElroy: I don't think "un-adopting" is the right word for it. Well, legally I'm disowning you.
Jimmy: That was disgusting.
Chazz: That, young man, is how babies are made.
Jimmy: Michaels.
Chazz: MacElroy.
Jimmy: I see you got fat.
Chazz: I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
Jimmy: You crushed my dreams.
Chazz: Dreams? Shit. I haven't had one of those in years.
Jimmy: Zip it, Chazz! Zip it or I will punch you in your crap, lousy face!
Chazz: Hey, This ends tonight!
Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!
Jimmy: I call top!
Chazz: No, I already called it in my head.
Jimmy: What?! No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.
Chazz: Yes it does. Get used to it, Jimmy; you're in Chazz's world now.
[Chazz shows Jimmy the tattoo of him he got on his arm.]
Chazz: That's you. The wolf, that runs with the lone wolf. So the lone wolf never has to be alone again.
Jimmy: You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?
Chazz: Yes, absolutely hammered. Welcome to the pack.
Grublets on Ice Manager: Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed. Second show's almost three-quarters full. you drunk?
Chazz: No. [Breaks the top off of the bottle of liquor he's holding] But this oughta do it.
Grublets on Ice Manager: I would fire you if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there. You smell like urine.
Chazz: A lot?
Grublets on Ice Manager: Get your head on.
Jimmy: This ice has not been properly zambonied. And where's the warm-down room?
Coach: We don't have any of that. What we got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
Jimmy: I could hold it all day long. Try me!
Chazz: Maybe I will.
Jimmy: Maybe you should.
Chazz: You challenging me, princess?
Jimmy: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party!
Chazz: Then bring it on!
Jimmy: It is on!
Coach: Good. We're in an agreement, then.
Chazz: You know what, dude. Your hand has to be on top.
Jimmy: No way. The girl's goes on top.
Chazz: Yeah, ergo. Chick.
Jimmy: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger.
Chazz: No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina.
Jimmy: You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.
Chazz: Fat ass?
Chazz: I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. I'm just a man for God's sake.
Jimmy: We'll switch places.
Chazz: I swear to God, if you cut my head off...

[Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate]

Jimmy: Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!
Chazz: This isn't what it looks like.

[Chazz grabs Katie's breast]

Jimmy: Impure! Impure!

[Jimmy Runs out of the room]

Katie Van Waldenberg: Jimmy, wait!
Chazz: Brother man!
Coach: Jimmy, you put your clothes on! Jimmy! Damn it!
Jimmy: Watch my icy, hot superslide.
Chazz: Do it.
Jimmy: I will.
Chazz: It's not going to matter because you're flat in front like Ken!
Hector: I almost gave up on you Jimmy. I started working on that Ukrainian skater, you know the one that looks like Elvis. So i moved to the Ukraine and it was cold, and everybody had guns, and it smelled like soup.
Darren MacElroy: You're fired.
Coach: What?! I brought you the gold medal.
Darren MacElroy: No, you brought me half a gold medal. If I wanted him to share I would have bought him a brother.
Skate Woodland Fairies: Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
Chazz: [drunkenly] Hey, little forest creatures. None of you sons-of-bitches try to be heroes. You hear me?
Gary the Squirrel: Hey, Chazz. Come on.
Chazz: Wow!
Gary the Squirrel: It's Gary. What are you doing?
Chazz: Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel. Now listen up. Gary's been a long-time friend. We've been skating for two and a half years. I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson, and Gary said, "I've got a third ball"-- [retches inside his costume] Damn it. I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion. In fact, we all are-- "[gags, begining to vomit] Oh, encore. [He retches again]
Grublets on Ice Manager: Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice will be cancelled until further notice. No refunds will be given.
Chazz: Oh Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.

Cast

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