Weekend Update samples
- Donald Trump and producer Mark Burnett are reportedly considering creating a Broadway musical based on The Apprentice. The pair came up with the idea when neither one of them could find a match to set fire to a pile of money.
- Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life. "I can't wait to hear that!", said no one.
- In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that...oh, who cares?
- A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after 16 years, with the help of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepers STOPPED BUYING HER CIGARETTES!
- A 14-year-old Indiana girl was arrested after she came to a middle school with a handgun, ammunition, and six small bags of marijuana. Man, Dakota Fanning's growing up so fast!
- Christian conservatives are claiming that the hit documentary March of the Penguins supports the theory of intelligent design. Meanwhile, backers of evolution claim that intelligent design is refuted in the documentary March of the Bonaduces.
- Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas.
- According to a new survey, 67 percent of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners!
- This week, Donald Trump introduced a new twelve-inch doll of himself that speaks seventeen different phrases, which is amazing, as that's five more than the real Donald Trump.
- (Picture of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones appear) This week, the California Raisins announced plans for a new world tour.
- (On the 2006 US Midterm Elections) This week, in an ironic turn of events, Iraq brought regime change to the United States.
- (In reference to the Pamela Anderson/Kid Rock divorce) It was announced this week that these will no longer be bouncing on that.
- SNL 12/6/2006.
- A woman's nether regions should always be shrouded in mystery.
- SNL 12/6/2006.
- Surprising news from New York, the whistle-blower had his whistle blown!
- An orca trainer almost drowned after its orca dragged him down in the tank. He did reveal the locations of three Al-Qaeda hideouts.
Yes Please (2014)
- I have realized that mystery is what keeps people away, and I’ve grown tired of smoke and mirrors. I yearn for the clean, well-lighted place. So let’s peek behind the curtain and hail the others like us. The open-faced sandwiches who take risks and live big and smile with all of their teeth. These are the people I want to be around. This is the honest way I want to live and love and write.