Bullying

I don't know a single useful lesson that I or anyone else ever learned from getting bullied- it only brought shame and debilitating memories. Getting bullied always leads you to wrong decisions and wrong conclusions. You compensate in all the wrong ways... You have to have never been bullied to think that it teaches something valuable and necessary and makes you a stronger person. — Mark Ames

This page consists of quotes about Bullying.

It's unbearable to think any young person should feel there is no other option but to end their life because of bullying on social networking sites. — Claire Lilley

Harry Truman famously said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” and he had a sign on his desk that read, “The buck stops here.” Trump can’t stand the heat, and accordingly he always makes sure the buck stops somewhere else. Like most bullies, he usually gets another person to do his dirty work and face all the danger. The mob who attacked the Capitol on January 6th were the latest version of the throngs who bought Trump’s junk bonds in earlier days, taking all the risks, for his benefit, while he watched. ~ Bob Altemeyer

Jack was made a sergeant, but he shouted at the men so much and bullied them so often, in an effort to convince them of an authority he did not possess, that he was replaced. Or rather, he resigned. "Keep your lousy sergeancy," he said. "I don't want it anyhow." — Alvah Bessie

Our boys and girls ought to know that the bully type, the false "tough," has been the first to break down under the actual fire of battle. The quiet, the calm, the determined have made the best soldiers. Why? Obviously the bully is insecure in himself- he blusters to muster his own courage. Children ought to know that. They ought to be taught to retort to the bully, "You're a coward or you wouldn't make such a noise about being brave. The really brave man simply acts brave- he doesn't have to talk about it." — Pearl S. Buck

Have courage. Be bold. Do not let yourself be intimidated. Do not yield to the bullies. Stand up. Speak out. Fear God, not men. — Robert P. George

By now, most of us realize that the adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me" is a load of bull. The truth is that broken bones heal. Broken hearts are much harder to mend, and broken spirits can be lifetime handicaps. And parents, no matter how many times you tell your kids, "You're smart and attractive," if all they hear from their peers is "You're stupid and ugly," the latter is what they'll internalize. They don't believe you. You're biased- and besides, you're "old"! You're not going to negate the effects of verbal bullying just by assuring your child that the kids' words aren't true. — Joel Haber

I personally fall somewhere in the middle. Bullying, however severe, is not an excuse for physical retaliation or violence, much less mass murder. But I do believe Dylan was bullied, and that along with many other factors, and perhaps in combination with them, bullying probably did play some role in what he did. — Susan Klebold

If there’s one goal of this conference, it’s to dispel the myth that bullying is just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up. — Barack Obama

Bullying can happen just about anywhere... Bullies can taunt kids in the cafeteria or on the bus. Usually, they choose places where adults are watching too many kids at once. Or they find places where there are no adults at all. — Lucia Raatma

In high school Donald had been a decent athlete, a guy some people found attractive with his blue eyes and blond hair and his swagger. He had all the confidence of a bully who knows he's always going to get what he wants and never has to fight for it. — Mary L. Trump

Quotes

Alphabetized by author

A - F

• Often one person can steel another, and another and another, until many are working together. You don’t have to form a majority to have an effect. Two or three people speaking out can sometimes get a school board, a church board, a board of aldermen to reconsider authoritarian actions. Lack of any opposition teaches bullies simply to go for more. But it takes one person, an individual, to start the opposition.
  • Bob Altemeyer, The Authoritarians (2006), p. 244

• Republicans in Congress have failed the country more than anyone else. They had several opportunities to rid us and themselves of Trump, but nearly all of them instead crowded together to squeeze into the group photo of Trump’s Blind Mice. John McCain, Mitt Romney, Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger, and a few others have stood up to him, but most have publicly backed him 100 percent. I doubt they do this happily. Most of the GOP candidates who would kiss Trump on both cheeks on the county court house steps on a Saturday afternoon next spring to get his endorsement in the primaries probably wish he would drop dead. He is the biggest RINO of all, having no allegiance to conservative traditions and values unless they served his personal interest. Since 2015 he has spewed as much venom and assassinated as many characters in the Republican ranks as in the Democrats’. Eventually everyone gets attacked, including Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, and Trump’s own vice-president. That’s why Republican politicians should disown him, and it’s also why they don’t. Some GOP officials want Trump to become the all-powerful king that the framers of the Constitution went to such lengths to prevent, but whether they do or not, almost all of them are scared (insert a vivid gastro-intestinal metaphor here) of the big bully.
  • Bob Altemeyer, "Lessons of the 2020 American Election, January 6th, and Beyond", October 20, 2021.

• Harry Truman famously said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” and he had a sign on his desk that read, “The buck stops here.” Trump can’t stand the heat, and accordingly he always makes sure the buck stops somewhere else. Like most bullies, he usually gets another person to do his dirty work and face all the danger. The mob who attacked the Capitol on January 6th were the latest version of the throngs who bought Trump’s junk bonds in earlier days, taking all the risks, for his benefit, while he watched.
  • Bob Altemeyer, "Lessons of the 2020 American Election, January 6th, and Beyond", October 20, 2021.

• Regina Huerter, Director of Juvenile Diversion for the Denver District Attorney's office, compiled a report on Columbine's "toxic culture," as Dylan Klebold's parents later described it. One Jewish student she interviewed told her how jocks threatened to "build an oven and set him on fire," and how, during P.E. basketball, each time someone scored a basket, the bullies would cheer, "that's another Jew in the oven!" The student complained over and over, but, he said, the school administration not only didn't punish the jocks, they "did everything but call me a liar." Another student was physically and verbally abused by a group of jocks so badly that he refused to go back to the school. The father tried contacting the administration, but they didn't return his calls for six weeks, and when they did, they were curt and rude. The father pulled his son from the high school and told Huerter that "he still refuses to enter Columbine property to this day." "All the students with whom I spoke, independent of their status at the school, acknowledged there was bullying," Huerter wrote. Students and parents all complained of Columbine's exceptionally brutal culture, but the administration did nothing about it. Some who worked in the school district told Huerter that they kept mum about the bullying because they were afraid for their jobs. As Brown noted, "The bullies were popular with the administration."
  • Mark Ames, Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond (2005), p. 185-186

• Bullying was so deeply ingrained that, as the American Psychology Association Monitor wrote, "Columbine students said teachers and staff did not seem to notice the bullying and aggression; apparently such behaviors were culturally normative." Here again is a perfect, modern example of how what is considered normal is not only tolerated, but is simply not seen, no matter how brutal it is. From this example, it's a little easier to understand how whites accepted- did not even notice- slavery, in spite of its cruelty. Many parents and students said that the reason for Columbine's bully-coddling culture went straight to the top, to principal Frank DeAngelis, himself a jock.
  • Mark Ames, Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond (2005), p. 186

• One reason why our society has failed to curb bullying is that we like bullies. Hell, we are bullies. Research has shown that bullies are not the anti-social misfits that adults, in their forced amnesia, want them to be. Rather, bullies are usually the most popular boys, second only on the clique-ranking to those described as friendly, outgoing, and self-confident. The Santana High kids and parents both felt that there was no point in complaining to the administration because they wouldn't have done anything anyway, a reflection of the fact that popular winners are treated better than losers. At Columbine, parents and students both felt that bullies were favored by teachers and administrators, and that complainers were often ignored or blamed. Indeed, losers pay for being losers twice over in our schools, taking both the punishment and the blame.
  • Mark Ames, Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond (2005), p. 191

• I don't know a single useful lesson that I or anyone else ever learned from getting bullied- it only brought shame and debilitating memories. Getting bullied always leads you to wrong decisions and wrong conclusions. You compensate in all the wrong ways. You wind up looking for someone weaker to bully yourself, you lose confidence and hate your weakness, and you fear and distrust the wrong people, all of which are reasons why bullied kids overwhelmingly wind up as failures in the real world, according to recent studies. You have to have never been bullied to think that it teaches something valuable and necessary and makes you a stronger person. Dr. Tonja Nansel, who worked on a 1998 World Health Organization survey on Health Behavior in School-Aged Children, showed that both bullies and the bullied develop far greater problems later on in life- bullied kids particularly have difficulties making friends, and suffer from lifelong loneliness.
  • Mark Ames, Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond (2005), p. 192

• I know that I learned far more valuable lessons when I was the bully than when I was bullied. The lesson was simple: it felt better to be the one dishing it out. The pangs of remorse after pummeling a scrawny dork wore off pretty quickly; the humiliations of being on the receiving end, however, were replayed over and over and over, for years and years. I cannot imagine what kind of callous moron could possibly see anything in being a victim of bullying. Maybe the idea comes from our cultural propaganda, where the bullied nerd, like Back to the Future's McFly, always fights back in the triumphant climax, becomes a stronger person for it, and goes on to be a successful patron of a nuclear family, while the bully winds up washing his car. Bullying, in our cultural propaganda, is simply a dramatic plot device which the hero overcomes. Rarely, if ever, is it represented as it really works- as something privately eating away at kids, flat and uninteresting, and never overcome... As Dr. Nansel said, "In the past, bullying has simply been dismissed as kids will be kids," but now that we are waking up to its effects, "it should not be accepted as a normal part of growing up."
  • Mark Ames, Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond (2005), p. 192

• While bullying (a playground word that seems to cheapen its truly devastating effects) is finally being recognized as wrong in specific settings where rage massacres have taken place, what is still being avoided is bullying on the broader, cultural level. We ignore the bullying of the Al Dunlaps, who abuses his wife, fires tens of thousands of workers and walks away with tens of millions for himself... and not only gets away with it, but becomes adored for his "mean business". Just as bullies are popular in schools. Or the bullying of Reaganomics, where the vulnerable were sacrificed in order to fatten up the rich, an uninterrupted policy that is only getting worse. Or the bullying of the new management style that pushes for increased fear and stress to squeeze "unlimited juice," and that creates a workforce that "never leaves" in spite of it. Not to mention, of course, the bullying of President Bush's foreign policy, which has turned most of the world against America to a degree not seen in our lifetime, yet which has made Bush even more popular at home... that is until the bullied started fighting back.
  • Mark Ames, Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond (2005), p. 196-197

• [S]ocial media has enabled the rise of mass movements that use trolling as a deflection tool for "doing the most damage I can do and then saying it was just a joke."
  • Sarah Andersen, Herding Cats (2018), p. 85

• There are no two ways about it. Trump is a bully. By intimidating others, he believes he can get what he wants, not what is fair. It's a philosophy he brags about. He regales staff with stories about filing meritless claims in court against other companies in order to coerce them to back down or get a better deal. That's how you get them to do what you want. During the 2016 campaign, journalist Bob Woodward asked Trump about President Obama's view that "real power means you can get what you want without exerting violence." In his response, Trump made a revealing confession: "Real power is through respect. Real power is, I don't even want to use the word, fear." President Trump shows no mercy. Political opponents are wartime opponents, and there should be no clemency. Trump remains fixated ion his previous presidential rival years into his tenure, continuously disparaging and demeaning her. It might be a different situation if he expected to face off again with Hillary Clinton, yet she appears to be finished with public office. Don't get me wrong. No one in the Trump White House is a fan of Hillary Clinton, but we started to find the president's chronic animosity toward her to be a little weird. He has tweeted about Clinton hundreds of times since taking office. He has even flirted with using the powers of his office to investigate and prosecute her... Electoral defeat is not enough; Donald Trump wants total defeat of his opponents.
  • Anonymous, A Warning (2019), p. 70-71

• The president's obvious admiration for Vladimir Putin ("a great guy," "terrific person") still continues to puzzle us, including those on the team who shrug off his outlandish behavior. Where did the Putin hero worship come from? It's almost as if Trump is the scrawny kid trying to suck up to the bully on the playground. Commentators have speculated, without any evidence, that Moscow must "have something" on the president. I wish I could say. All I know is that whatever drives his love for Putin, it's terrible for the United States because Vladimir Lenin is not on our side and no US president should be building him up. We need a comprehensive strategy to counter the Russians, not court them. But Trump is living on another planet, one where he and Putin are companions and where Russia wants to help America be successful. As a result, US officials fear they're "on their own" in fighting back against Moscow. They're right. They are. If an agency wants to respond to Russia's anti-US behavior around the world, they shouldn't plan on steady air cover from the president. In fact, officials know they risk Trump's ire if the subject comes up in public interviews or congressional testimony. "I don't care," one fellow senior leader snapped when reminded by his staff that he needed to watch his words in Senate meetings. "He can fire me if he wants. I'm going to tell the truth. The Russians are not our friends."
  • Anonymous, A Warning (2019), p. 166

• In high school, they don't call it cyber bullying at all. They call it digital drama, they call it life. They don't want to call it bullying because they think it makes them look weak.
  • Parry Aftab, who was honored by Congress in 2005 for her work on Anti-Cyber bullying, quoted in US News, "Cyber Bullying Growing More Malicious, Experts Say", June 3, 2011.

• Imagine being unable to escape as the bully relentlessly pursues them online in a form accessible 24/7. Imagine how bleak that must be; imagine how lonely it must be.
  • Terry Barnstad, Iowa Governor, while speaking up against bullying, quoted in Des Moines Register, "Proposal aids schools against cyber-bullying", January 14, 2014.
  • Archbishop of Canterbury, quoted in BBC News, "Church and Stonewall to target homophobic bullying", November 18, 2013.

• Dominick Krankall was playing at his Connecticut home when the boy who lived below him called out his name. Moments after 6-year-old Dominick went to go meet the 8-year-old neighbor who had bullied him on Sunday, Krankall’s family said, Dominick shrieked in horror when the 8-year-old allegedly launched a tennis ball at his face that was soaked in gasoline and lit on fire. “As soon as he walked down the stairs, the bully called his name and lured him over around the corner,” Dominick’s sister, Kayla Deegan, told WNBC in New York City, “and in a matter of seconds he came back around the corner screaming, saying, ‘Mommy, they lit me on fire! They lit me on fire!’” The attack left Dominick with second- and third-degree burns on his face and legs, and most of the boy’s body is swollen and bandaged. Authorities in Bridgeport, Conn., noted in a police report how preliminary findings show that “up to four unattended children were seen playing with gasoline and lighting objects on fire.” “The incident is currently still under investigation as to the exact cause of the burn injuries by the Bridgeport Police, Bridgeport Fire and State Fire Investigation Teams,” police wrote in the report. No charges have been handed down as of early Wednesday. Scott Appleby, the director of emergency management for Bridgeport, told The Washington Post that no other details were immediately available to be shared to the public. Neither the 8-year-old nor his family have been publicly identified.
  • Timothy Bella, Washington Post, "6-year-old boy burned by bully with fireball to the face, family says", April 27, 2022.

• Dominick’s family wrote in an online fundraiser that the 8-year-old boy’s mother “thinks he is innocent.” But Maria Rua, Dominick’s mother, told WTNH that her son’s alleged bully “purposefully threw a gasoline-saturated ball that they lit on fire at my son’s face.” “They threw it at Dominick and left him outside alone to die,” she said. The 6-year-old is being treated at Bridgeport Hospital and is expected to recover, Rua said to local media. John Cappiello, a hospital spokesman, told The Post that Dominick is in fair condition as of Wednesday morning. “Fair is better than critical and better than serious, so we’re trying to do our best for him,” Cappiello said. “It’s a terrible thing.” The 6-year-old’s family say Dominick has been bullied by the 8-year-old for the past year. Deegan alleged to WNBC that the 8-year-old previously sent Dominick to the hospital with a concussion after her younger brother was pushed into a wall and fell to the floor about two months ago. Dominick was playing at their Louisiana Avenue home in Bridgeport on Sunday afternoon when he was called over by the 8-year-old. Dominick’s family alleged to local media that the 8-year-old neighbor gained access to a shed on the property, which is how he was able to get a hold of gasoline and lighters. Then, Deegan said to WNBC, the 8-year-old lit the gasoline-soaked tennis ball and “just chucked it right at my brother’s face — and then ran away from him and watched him burn.” Bridgeport authorities responded to a report of a child burned shortly after 3:45 p.m., according to the police report. Dominick was transported to the burn unit of Bridgeport Hospital, police said.
  • Timothy Bella, Washington Post, "6-year-old boy burned by bully with fireball to the face, family says", April 27, 2022.

• Burns and fires account for an estimated 3,500 child and adult deaths annually, according to Johns Hopkins Medicine. The incident has left Dominick’s family devastated and searching for answers. Deegan said her brother could barely eat, sleep or talk. Family members have shared photos of Dominick completely bandaged up, surrounded by stuffed animals and Iron Man and Spider-Man dolls in his hospital bed. Rua said his whole body is swollen with blisters and that “his face is about twice the size it normally is.”A GoFundMe started by Deegan to help pay for Dominick’s hospital bills has raised more than $76,000 as of Wednesday afternoon. Aaron Krankall, Dominick’s father, told WTIC that they were grateful for the community support in the days since Dominick was burned. “I’m telling Dominick, all these people love you and care about you,” the father said, adding that people have offered to move the family out of the home and away from the alleged bully. “Everyone’s really just helping. The whole community is coming together.” But the boy’s family is left wondering when Dominick, who they described in the online fundraiser as a happy-go-lucky boy who befriended everyone, will be able to ride his bike, play basketball or go fishing again. “He’s such a tough little cookie,” Deegan wrote on GoFundMe. “The bravest 6 year old i’ve ever known.”
  • Timothy Bella, Washington Post, "6-year-old boy burned by bully with fireball to the face, family says", April 27, 2022.

• Jack was made a sergeant, but he shouted at the men so much and bullied them so often, in an effort to convince them of an authority he did not possess, that he was replaced. Or rather, he resigned. "Keep your lousy sergeancy," he said. "I don't want it anyhow."
  • Alvah Bessie, Men in Battle: A Story of Americans in Spain (1939), p. 65

• Bullying at work is not only about aggressive behavior. The covert nature of workplace bullying behavior can destroy a target’s health, ability to work, emotional well-being, self-worth, and financial condition. This research is one of the first studies on workplace bullying in the United States. Workplace bullies have a serious negative impact upon the organizations for which they work (Namie & Namie, 2003; Prentice, 2005). Once the bullying atmosphere begins to pervade an organization, morale is destroyed and productivity is affected. The workplace often includes distorted personality types that seem to have just one purpose: to find somebody else to attack, to belittle, to criticize, and to destroy (Prentice). Bully behavior, whether committed by men 94 or women, should be further examined due to the long-term costs for both employees and the organizations for which they work. Many leaders and managers either fail to recognize the problem or are themselves the problem. Early studies on bullying focused on the behavior of the bully, the target, or the bully-target pairing (Olweus, 1999). Recent approaches have adopted an ecological perspective that examines the broader context in which bullying can occur and especially the many interrelated systems of the environment, such as the workplace and its leadership (Namie, 2003). This study presents methods of aggression employed by bullies that leaders must recognize and cease.
  • Fisher-Blando, Judith Lynn. "Workplace Bullying: Aggressive Behavior and its effect on Job Satisfaction and Productivity", Archived from the original (PDF) on 2016-10-19. Retrieved 2013-04-18, p.93-94

• Questions at home and school should be decided in the light of the future. It is a process of toughening, but not the sort of false physical thing that we have called toughening. Our boys and girls ought to know that the bully type, the false "tough," has been the first to break down under the actual fire of battle. The quiet, the calm, the determined have made the best soldiers. Why? Obviously the bully is insecure in himself- he blusters to muster his own courage. Children ought to know that. They ought to be taught to retort to the bully, "You're a coward or you wouldn't make such a noise about being brave. The really brave man simply acts brave- he doesn't have to talk about it."
  • Pearl S. Buck, What America Means to Me (1943), p. 151-152

• Imagine seeing an attractive girl in the hallway who's in one of your classes, but who you've never really had the chance to talk with. Somehow, you get into a conversation with her. She seems nice, and you like her, and she's laughing and you're starting to get hopeful. Then a couple of football players come around the corner and say, "Hey, what the hell are you talking to her for, faggot? Do you actually think you have a chance with her?" And then they pick you up and push you into a locker, and you look like a pathetic weakling in front of the girl you were trying so hard to impress. Such things were commonplace at Columbine. If a guy was acting in the Columbine drama program, he was immediately labeled a "drama fag." Not only was he not playing sports- which was what all normal guys were supposed to do at Columbine- but he was into that fine arts crap! The bullies found whatever weakness they could and went after it. I was a wuss because I wasn't in sports. I was gay because I liked theatre. Then when I was in debate, it was like, "Ooh, you must be smart, huh huh huh." Apparently, they thought calling someone "smart" was an insult.
  • Brooks Brown, No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death At Columbine (2006) with Rob Merritt, 2nd edition, p. 61

• Plenty of people in Littleton criticized the media for being too evasive and violating their privacy. But to be honest, I understood their predicament. They were good people who didn't want to be there any more than we did, but they had a job to do. There were some isolated examples of assholes, sure, but most of the people I met in the media were pretty cool to me. And it was their work that kept information coming out. If it had been up to the police and the school, any reports of bullying would have been suppressed, and the police would have kept quiet about our family's report on the web pages. The questions about police response would have been pushed aside. It was the media who fought to keep that from happening.
  • Brooks Brown, No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death At Columbine (2006) with Rob Merritt, 2nd edition, p. 162

• I told them [the press] the truth; I didn't censor myself. Other kids were sugarcoating Columbine, making it sound like this peaceful, tranquil land of flowers and honey that Eric and Dylan had just walked into and shattered. "Oh, sure, there were jocks and everything," they'd say. "But it was never that bad. We just can't understand how this happened in a school like ours." If people wanted to know what Columbine was like, I'd tell them. I'd tell them about the bullies who shoved the kids they didn't like into lockers, or called them "faggot" every time they walked past. I'd tell them about the jocks who picked relentlessly on anyone they considered to be below them. The teachers who turned a blind eye to the brutalization of their pupils, because those pupils weren't the favorites. I told them about the way those who were "different" were crushed, and fights happened so regularly outside school that no one paid attention. I told what it was like to live in constant fear of other kids who'd gone out of control, knowing full well that the teachers would turn a blind eye. After all, those kids were their favorites. We were the troublemakers. "Eric and Dylan are the ones responsible for creating this tragedy," I told them. "However, Columbine is responsible for creating Eric and Dylan."
  • Brooks Brown, No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death At Columbine (2006) with Rob Merritt, 2nd edition, p. 163

• When it comes to Columbine, some solutions are more obvious than others. We have to crack down on all forms of bullying. Obviously, this means the kids on the playground who beat up the outcasts, or the high schoolers who mock and harass the kids wearing black and keeping to themselves. But we also have to look at teachers. Teachers who only like the "good kids" and turn their backs on the rest are causing untold pain and anger in those forgotten students. If students are given up on early, then they learn to hate the system and can no longer be rescued by it. We have to reevaluate what we as a society are doing to our children. They, and not our careers or our personal lives, must be our priority. When people choose to become parents, they must make those children their primary focus- not just say it, but live it. Our kids need that kind of guidance in today's world.
  • Brooks Brown, No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death At Columbine (2006) with Rob Merritt, 2nd edition, p. 269

• Eric and Dylan have continued to remain cult heroes to some. Shortly after a programmer used home RPG-maker software to build a video game called Super Columbine Massacre RPG, a visit to the discussion forum on his website revealed just how many kids- kids whose ages were still in the single digits when Columbine happened- idolize the two killers. These kids constantly say things like, "Eric and Dylan struck a blow for bullied kids everywhere." They conveniently leave out the fact that Eric and Dylan didn't kill bullies, but instead shot innocent kids like Rachel Scott. We mentioned kids like these in the first edition of this book, and four years later, their numbers seemed to hold strong. For a time, we would hold online talks with these kids, trying to make them understand. But after a while, you start to spot the ones who have no interest in really listening. Some people will believe what they want to believe, on matter how much evidence you throw at them. If the legend sounds more interesting than reality, the legend often wins.
  • Brooks Brown, No Easy Answers: The Truth Behind Death At Columbine (2006) with Rob Merritt, 2nd edition, p. 274

• Take The Power Out Of Bullying
  • Motto of the Bystander Revolution, an anti-bullying organization started in 2014. Its name refers to the bystander effect, which Bystander Revolution seeks to counter.

• Drill sergeants known how to deal with bullies... "Want to stop a bully? Man the fuck up and punch that motherfucker in the throat! Problem solved."
  • Dan Caddy, Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Said (2015), p. 93

• Bullying bosses, studies find, differ in significant ways from the Blutos of childhood. In the schoolyard, particularly among elementary school boys, bullies tend to pick on smaller or weaker children, often to assert control in an uncertain social environment in which they feel uncomfortable. But adult bullies in positions of power are already dominant, and they are just as likely to pick on a strong subordinate as a weak one, said Dr. Gary Namie, director of the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute, an advocacy group based in Bellingham, Wash. Women, Dr. Namie said, are at least as likely as men to be the aggressors, and they are more likely to be targets. In leadership positions that require the exercise of sheer violent will- on the football field or the battlefield- this approach can be successful: consider Vince Lombardy or George Patton. But in an office or on a factory floor, different rules apply, and bullying usually has more to do with the boss's desires than with the employee's needs.
  • Benedict Carey, New York Times journalist, in the article "Fear in the Workplace: The Bullying Boss", published June 22, 2004.

• If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore — and you actually have power over those people. … So, if you can, realize that the things that people say about you — they don't really matter — it's who you are. And the older you get, the more you'll understand that — because it gets better. And people get nicer too.
  • Stephen Colbert Stephen Colbert - It Gets Better (13 July 2011)

• The more animosity reporters sensed, the deeper they probed. What was it like to be an outcast at Columbine? Pretty hard, most of the kids admitted. High school was rough. Most of the students in Clement Park were still speaking confessionally, and everyone had a brutal experience to share. The "bullying" idea began to pepper motive stories. The concept touched a national nerve, and soon the anti-bullying movement took on a force of its own. Everyone who had been to high school understood what a horrible problem it could be. Many believed that addressing it might be the one good thing to come out of the tragedy. All the talk of bullying and alienation provided an easy motive. Forty-eight hours after the massacre, USA Today pulled the threads together in a stunning cover story that fused the myths of jock-hunting, bully-revenge, and the TCM. "Students are beginning to describe how a long-simmering rivalry between the sullen members of their clique [the TCM] and the school's athletes escalated and ultimately exploded in this week's deadly violence," it said. It described tension the previous spring, including daily fistfights. The details were accurate, the conclusions wrong. Most of the media followed. It was accepted as fact.
  • Dave Cullen, Columbine (2010), p. 157-158

• There's no evidence that bullying led to murder, but considerable evidence it was a problem at Columbine High. After the tragedy, Mr. D took a lot of flak for bullying, particularly since he insisted he was unaware it had gone on. "I'm telling you, as long as I've been an administrator here, if I'm aware of a situation, then I deal with that situation," he said. "And I believe our teachers, and I believe our coaches. I turned my own son in. I believe that strongly in rules." That may have been part of his downfall. Mr. D did believe strongly in the rules. He held his staff to the same standard, and seemed to believe they would meet it. His unusual rapport with the kids also created a blind spot. It was all smiles when Mr. D strode down the corridor. They sincerely warmed at the sight of him, and sought to please him as well,. Sometimes he mistook that joy for pervasive bliss in his high school. Personal affinities also obscured the problem. Mr. D knew he was drawn to sports. He worked hard to offset that by attending debate tournaments, drama tryouts, and art shows. He conferred regularly with the student senate. But those were all success stories. Mr. D balanced athletics and academics better than overachievers and unders. "I don't think he had a preference on purpose," a pierced-out girl in a buzz cut and red tartan boots said. "He's got a lot of school spirit, and I think he aims it in the direction he's most comfortable with, like school sports and student congress." She saw DeAngelis as a sincere man, making a tremendous effort to interact with students, unaware that his natural inclination toward happy, energetic students created a blind spot for the outsiders. "My Goth friends hated the school," she said.
  • Dave Cullen, Columbine (2010), p. 158-159

• Despite the press's obsession with bullying and misfits, that's not how the boys presented themselves. Dylan laughed about picking on the new freshmen and "fags." Neither one complained about bullies picking on them- they boasted about doing it themselves.
  • Dave Cullen, Columbine (2010), p. 258

• Loyalty is not an entitlement. It must be earned, both by leaders and by those who follow them. And even when loyalty has been earned, it must have limits. (Who among us can forget being asked by our chiding parents, "If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" Every day we see misplaced loyalty contributing to problems such as bullying, hazing, sexual harassment, discrimination, and corruption. To be sure, it can be difficult to say no to someone in a position of power who is using loyalty as leverage, especially when that person makes it clear that they expect total and unconditional loyalty. But that's where loyalty must meet moral courage, if we are to act honorably and do what's right.
  • Martin Dempsey, No Time For Spectators: The Lessons That Mattered Most From West Point to the West Wing (2020), p. 92-93

• BULLYING. A form of harassment that includes acts of aggression by Service members or DoD civilian employees, with a nexus to military service, with the intent of harming a Service member either physically or psychologically, without a proper military or other governmental purpose. Bullying may involve the singling out of an individual from his or her coworkers, or unit, for ridicule because he or she is considered different or weak. It often involves an imbalance of power between the aggressor and the victim. Bullying can be conducted through the use of electronic devices or communications, and by other means including social media, as well as in person.
  • U.S. Department of Defense Instruction 1020.03: Harassment Prevention and Response in the Armed Forces, released 8 February 2018, Section 3.4, p. 10

a. Bullying is evaluated by a reasonable person standard and includes, but is not limited to the following when performed without a proper military or other governmental purpose:

(1) Physically striking another person in any manner or threatening to do the same;

(2) Intimidating, teasing, or taunting another person;

(3) Oral or written berating of another person with the purpose of belittling or humiliating;

(4) Encouraging another person to engage in illegal, harmful, demeaning or dangerous

acts;

(5) Playing abusive or malicious tricks;

(6) Branding, handcuffing, duct taping, tattooing, shaving, greasing, or painting another person;

(7) Subjecting another person to excessive or abusive use of water;

(8) Forcing another person to consume food, alcohol, drugs, or any other substance;

(9) Degrading or damaging another’s property or reputation; and

(10) Soliciting, coercing, or knowingly permitting another person to solicit or coerce acts of bullying.

b. Bullying does not include properly directed command or organizational activities that serve a proper military or other governmental :purpose, or the requisite training activities required to prepare for such activities :(e.g., command-authorized physical training).

c. Service members may be responsible for an act of bullying even if there was actual or implied consent from the victim and regardless :of the grade or rank, status, or Service of the victim.

d. Bullying is prohibited in all circumstances and environments, including off-duty or “unofficial” unit functions and settings.

• U.S. Department of Defense Instruction 1020.03: Harassment Prevention and Response in the Armed Forces, released 8 February 2018, Section 3.4, p. 10-11

• I was a victim of bullying. I think with the cyber bullying, the viciousness, the cruelty, that's what I think is really getting people's attention. It's hard to say that bullying in and of itself is going to lead to a suicide attempt, but if a kid is already having difficulty with family issues, or some mental health issues, bullying could really be the thing that pushes them over.
  • Dr. David Dupper, a University of Tennessee professor and author, in Wate.com, "Experts say bullying is a growing, complex problem which requires community action", February 20, 2012.

• Definitions of bullying at work further emphasize two main features: repeated and enduring aggressive behaviours that are intended to be hostile and/or perceived as hostile by the recipient (Einarsen and Skogstad, 1996; Leymann, 1990b; Zapf et al., 1996). In other words, bullying is normally not about single and isolated events, but rather about behaviours that are repeatedly and persistently directed towards one or more employees. Leymann (1990b, 1996) suggested that to be called 'mobbing' or bullying, such events should occur at least once a week, which characterises bullying as a severe form of social stress. In many cases this criterion is difficult to apply because not all bullying behaviors are strictly episodic in nature. For example, a rumour can circulate that may be harmful or even threaten to destroy the victim's career or reputation. However, it does not have to be repeated every week. In cases we have been made aware of, victims had to work in basement rooms without windows and telephone. Here, bullying consists of a permanent state rather than a series of events. Hence, the main criterion is that the behaviours or their consequences are repeated on a regular as opposed to an occasional basis.
  • Stale Einarsen, Helge Hoel, Dieter Zapf, and Cary L. Cooper, "The Concept of Bullying at Work: The European Tradition"; in Bullying and Emotional Abuse in the Workplace: International Perspectives and Research, pp. 7-8.

• Parents who are intimidated by texting and social-networking sites view cyberbullying as a terrifying new form of bullying, but the truth is that cyberbullying is just a continuation of existing adolescent behavior, played out in a new arena. Approximately 20-25 percent of kids have been bullied online, and this is a conservative estimate. Bullies and victims can trade places at the click of a mouse, and things move so fast online that it is difficult to process information rationally before acting. For unfortunate kids who find themselves on the receiving end of massive cyberbullying attacks, the relentless barrage of cruelty can create a sensation of sinking into a black hole of pain.
  • Dr. Dorothy Espelage, in the Introduction for Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear (2012) by Carrie Goldman, p. xiii

• How exactly does the pain of severe bullying affect the most vulnerable kids? Studies investigating the neuroscience of bullying have found that bullying victims experience anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, difficulty concentrating, headaches, and stomach pain as a result of being bullied. Studies of early social deprivation show that human beings are hardwired to belong, and nowhere is this more evident than in kids jockeying for social position. And the old adage- sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? Not true. Neuroimaging studies have shown that parts of the cortical brain network are also activated when a person is socially excluded. This goes not just for adults but for children as well. The brain of a child as young as thirteen has been shown to react to pain as if the child were being physically injured. Taunting and bullying hurts, and we have the brain scans to prove it. Even worse, repeatedly being victimized by peers- which is the very nature of bullying, the repetitiveness of it- actually alters brain functioning, which increases the victim's sensitivity to future attacks, even causing the person to perceive an ambiguous situation as threatening. Years after the bullying has ceased, victims are left picking up the wreckage.
  • Dr. Dorothy Espelage, in the Introduction for Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear (2012) by Carrie Goldman, p. xiii

• Bullying is a learned behavior. Children are not born cruel. Babies in diapers do not assess each other as too fat, too poor, too dark-skinned, to nerdy, too conceited. Born innocent, they start learning stereotypes as soon as they understand language, and we see bullying behavior in children as young as toddlers. Since preschoolers who display marked aggressiveness have a higher likelihood of being bullies in older grades, the earlier intervention begins, the better the results. It is much easier to inculcate kindness and acceptance into a five-year-old who acts like a bully than a fifteen-year-old who acts like a bully.
  • Dr. Dorothy Espelage, in the Introduction for Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear (2012) by Carrie Goldman, p. xiii-xiv

• The problem than arises of when to define operationally the duration of bullying behaviours. Leymann (1990b, 19960=) suggested exposure for more than six months as an operational definition of bullying at work. Others have used repeated exposure to negative behaviours within a six-month period as the proposed timeframe (Einarsen and Skogstad, 1996). Leymann's strict criterion has been argued to be somewhat arbitrary, as bullying seems to exist on a continuum from occasional exposure to negative behaviours to severe victimisation resulting from frequent and long-lasting exposure to negative behaviours at work (Mattiesen et al., 1989). Yet, the criterion of about six months has been used in many studies in order to differentiate between exposure to social stress at work and victimisation from bullying (e.g. Einarsen and Skogstad, 1996; Mikkelsen and Einarsen, 2001; Niedl, 1995; Varita, 1996; Zapf et al. 1996). The reason for this criterion for Leymann (1993, 1996) was to argue that mobbing leads to severe psychiatric and psychosomatic impairment, stress effects which would not be expected to occur as a result of the normal occupational stressors such as time-pressure, role-conflicts or everyday social stressors. Hence, the period of 6 months was chosen by Leymann because it is frequently used in the assessment of various psychiatric disorders.
  • Ibid, p. 8

• The duration of the bullying seems to be closely related to the frequency of bullying, with those bullied regularly reporting a longer duration of their experience than those bullied less frequently (Einarsen and Skogstad, 1996). This seems to be in line with a model of bullying highlighting the importance of conflict-escalation, with the conflict becoming more intense and more personalised over time (Zapf and Gross, 2001).
  The negative and unwanted nature of the behaviour involves is essential to the concept of bullying. Victims are exposed to persistent insults or offensive remarks, persistent criticism, personal or, even in some few cases, physical abuse (Einarsen, 200b). Others experience social exclusion and isolation; that is they are given the 'silent treatment' or 'sent to Coventry' (Williams, 1997). These behaviours are 'used with the aim or at least the effect of persistently humiliating, intimidating, frightening or punishing the victim' (Einarsen, 2000b, p. 8).
  • Ibid, p. 8-9

• Based on both empirical and theoretical evidence, Zapf (1999a) categorised five main types of bullying behaviour:
  
  1 work-related bullying which may include changing the victim's work tasks in some negative way or making them difficult to perform;
  2 social isolation by not communicating with somebody or excluding someone from social events;
  3 personal attacks or attacks on someone's private life by ridicule or insulting remarks or the like;
  4 verbal threats in which somebody is criticised, yelled at or humiliated in public;and
  5 spreading rumors.
  • Ibid, p.9

• Bullies are typically attempting to promote or assert an identity rather than defend one. Their behavior is typically predatory rather than dispute related. Bullies prey on vulnerable targets, usually in the presence of third parties, in order to show how tough they are (see Olweus, 1978). For the bully, dominating the victim is an accomplishment, a way of demonstrating power to himself and others.
  In case of jealousy, a person may intentionally harm another person who has not attacked or wronged them in any way. Both justice and self-image concerns can produce an aggressive response when someone is jealous. When people think that someone has received an unfair share of some reward, they may attempt to restore equity by harming the person, even when that person is not held responsible for the injustice. We have referred to this behavior as "redistributive justice" (to distinguish it from "retributive justice"). Thus, an employee may blame the supervisor who gives a raise to someone else but attempt to produce unfavorable outcomes for the coworker who received a raise. Jealous people may also attempt to harm the object of jealousy for purposes of downward comparison (Wills, 1981). They may engage in aggressive behavior that lowers the standing of the target on some dimension, thereby providing a favorable comparison for the actor. They put themselves "up" by putting others "down". Wills (1981) suggested that downward comparison was an alternative explanation for the displacement effects obtained in experiments testing frustration-aggression theory. He noted that investigations of displaced aggression, scapegoating, and hostility generalization all involve some challenge to the participants' identities.
  • Ibid, pp. 20-21

G - L

• There is no doubt in my mind that in the majority of quarrels the Hindus come out second best. But my own experience confirms the opinion that the Mussalman as a rule is a bully, and the Hindu as a rule is a coward. I have noticed this in railway trains, on public roads, and in the quar­rels which I had the privilege of settling. Need the Hindu blame the Mussalman for his cowardice? Where there are cowards, there will always be bullies. They say that in Saharan­pur the Mussal­mans looted houses, broke open safes and, in one case, a Hindu woman's modesty was outraged. Whose fault was this? Mussalmans can offer no defence for the execrable conduct, it is true. But I, as a Hindu, am more ashamed of Hindu cowardice than I am angry at the Mussalman bullying.
  • Mahatma Gandhi, The source quoted is "Hindu-Muslim Tension: Its Cause and Cure", Young India, 29/5/1924; reproduced in M.K. Gandhi: The Hindu-Muslim Unity, p.35-36. [1] Young India, 1924-1926. S. Ganesan. 1927. pp. 32-36.

• Bullies are cowards and if you stand up to them they back away.
  • Robert P. George, interview with Bill Kristol (April 2016), transcript

• Have courage. Be bold. Do not let yourself be intimidated. Do not yield to the bullies. Stand up. Speak out. Fear God, not men.
  • Robert P. George, interview with Matthew Bunson (July 2017)

• Why is it that our fear, suspicion, and hatred of others different from us have overpowered our good sense and moral commitments to civility, goodwill, justice, and tolerance? When we think of Columbine we now know that these kids were bullied. School violence is on the rise and we as educators must consider the way students treat others who are different.
  • Jeffrey Glanz, Teaching 101: Classroom Strategies for the Beginning Teacher (2004), p. 50

• Some bullies are put into leadership positions because they appear to be smart, ambitious, results-oriented and "take-charge." All of which may be true (as in Brenda’s case), but in addition to those more positive characteristics, most bullies lack empathy. They seem immune to the suffering of others.
  • Carol Kinsey Goman, "Is Your Boss A Bully?", Forbes, (04/06/2014).

• Bullying is bad. By definition, it's a type of regular unwanted negative communication or behavior. This behavior can be from a single person or a multitude of people. However, it's an aggression towards another person against their will. It's communication with the intent to demean, degrade, torment, shame, humiliate or insult another human being. Bullying does not discriminate. Bullying can happen to anyone at any time. It can find you no matter your age, race, or gender. Bullies tend to pick on people who are not inclined to fight back. They target individuals that appear to be weaker and easier to impose their control over. Bullying could include threatening another person, spreading rumors or excluding them socially from a group. It's a monster with many heads. A very bad monster.
  • Will Jones, The Bully Monster: The Art of Bullying and How to Eradicate It (2020), p. 13

• Bullying doesn't always happen to a single individual. If it's a group, it's usually a significantly small group. Maybe two or three people at the hands of another larger group or higher authority. There is typically an upside to the bully which gives them the upper hand once the bullying begins. Their upper hand denotes a presence of power or dominance. That's the core concept of bullying- an imbalance of perceived power. Sometimes that power is revealed by a ton of different reasons, but other times it can be delegated to a person with an authoritative position.
  • Will Jones, The Bully Monster: The Art of Bullying and How to Eradicate It (2020), p. 15

• We use our words to verbally communicate with one another. Verbal bullying is using this kind of communication to openly assault another person with words. It is often times used in the form of teasing, humiliation, insults, racist comments, putdowns, name-calling, or mean and harsh criticism. Unlike physical bullying, verbal bullying is harder to see and stop. It tends to occur when adults or a authority are not around to stop it. The effects of it are not always obvious. It's one of the sneakiest ways to bully someone. Also, it's one of the most difficult things to prove actually happened. You have to pay attention to what people say and how it could potentially affect the other person. Someone might use their verbal language to gain power over them and intentionally cause psychological turmoil. Unwanted words towards another person could potentially elicit negative emotions. They are used to degrade or insult someone's character or state of being.
  • Will Jones, The Bully Monster: The Art of Bullying and How to Eradicate It (2020), p. 50

• We all want the same thing; for humanity to work together for the greater good of each other. To treat the next person as we want to be treated and vice-versa. What a great nation we would be if we could apply a simple principle like that. But we live in a world full of hate, racism, classism, colorism, jealousy, bitterness, abuse of power, molestation, drunkenness, violence, gangs, war, crime, etc. There's more, but it hurts just to identify a small portion of what really happens in this world on that list. All of that is born out of evil. Some of these can certainly be reasons for people turning to bullying. They can indirectly affect children if parents participate in any of these acts. We don't always think about it that way, but it's true. What young people see older people do, they begin to mimic their actions and thus could end up duplicating several offenses. Those offenses would start at a young age and will begin to show its head in elementary, middle and high school. In situations like that, the question is always- why do they act that way? What is making them do that? You always have to start with what's going on at home and what are the influences that surround the student. Evaluate the parents and their involvement with the student, then move on to who they hang out with and what they are feeding their minds from the television and the internet. Once you do that, you will quickly find answers to all your questions.
  • Will Jones, The Bully Monster: The Art of Bullying and How to Eradicate It (2020), p. 117-118

• Remember, boys and girls. Your school, like our country, is made up of Americans of many different races, religions, and national origins. So, if YOU hear anybody talk against a schoolmate or anyone else because of his religion, race, or national origin, don't wait. TELL HIM THAT KIND OF TALK IS UN-AMERICAN. HELP KEEP YOUR SCHOOL ALL AMERICAN!
  • Clark Kent, "Help Keep Your School All-American", as quoted in "The American Way", Dan Evan Snopes, Nov 23rd, 2015. (1949), National Comics Publishing, Incorporated.

• The man's eyes shifted to me. "Another one," he said, as if marveling that there could be so many assholes in the world. "You want me to take you both on? Is that what you want? Believe me, I can do it." Yes, I knew the type. Ten years younger and he would have been one of the guys at school who thought it terribly amusing to slam Arnie's books out of his arms when he was on his way to class or to throw him into the shower with all his clothes on after phys ed. They never change, those guys. They just get older and develop lung cancer from smoking too many Luckies or step out with a brain embolism at fifty-three or so.
  • Stephen King, Christone (1983), p. 48. From the POV of character Dennis Guilder.

• Since the tragedy, much has been written about the school culture at Columbine High School, and Dylan's place in it. Regina Huerter, director of Juvenile Diversion for the Denver district attorney's office, compiled a report in 2000, and Ralph W. Larkin independentley confirmed many of her findings in his exhaustively researched 2007 book, Comprehending Columbine. Both researchers found Columbine High School was academically excellent and deeply conservative; that much we knew. But they also describe a school with a pervasive culture of bullying- in particular, a group of athletes who harassed, humiliated, and physically assaulted kids at the bottom of the social ladder. Larkin also points to proselytizing and intimidation by evangelical Christian students, a self-appointed moral elite who perceived the kids who dressed differently as evil and targeted them.
  • Susan Klebold, A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (2017), p. 187

• This research lines up with many anecdotal stories we heard after the tragedy from kids who suffered physical and psychological abuse at the hands of their classmates at the school. One story in particular stands out. When Tom went to the sheriff's department in the fall of 1999 to retrieve Dylan's car from the impound lot, a county employee offered his condolences and told him how his own son's hair had been set on fire by some other students while he was attending Columbine High School. The boy, who sustained fairly serious burns to his scalp, refused to allow his father to go to the administration because he was afraid it would make the situation worse. Shaking with anger as he spoke, though the incident was no longer recent, the outraged dad told Tom he had wanted to take the school apart "brick by brick."
  • Susan Klebold, A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (2017), p. 187

• About five years after the massacre, I spoke with a Columbine High School counselor. He told me that, after an earlier, publicized bullying incident, the high school had implemented closer supervision of the student body, including teachers in the hallways between classes, and in the cafeteria at lunch. But we agreed it's impossible to control what two thousand students are doing on a campus- or to know what those kids are doing to one another in the Dairy Queen parking lot. Despite the administration's claim that steps were taken to stem conflict among students, their efforts fell short. For many people, Columbine High School was a hostile and frightening place even if you were one of the most popular kids, and Dylan and his friends were not. One of our neighbors told us her grown son's reaction to the tragedy, a refrain we heard many times: "I'm just surprised it didn't happen sooner."
  • Susan Klebold, A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (2017), p. 187-188

• I personally fall somewhere in the middle. Bullying, however severe, is not an excuse for physical retaliation or violence, much less mass murder. But I do believe Dylan was bullied, and that along with many other factors, and perhaps in combination with them, bullying probably did play some role in what he did.
  • Susan Klebold, A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (2017), p. 188

• Dylan's struggles may have been hidden from us, but they were not uncommon ones. A 2011 study by the Centers for Disease Control found that 20 percent of high school students nationwide reported they had been bullied on school property in the thirty days before the survey; an even higher percentage reported they'd been bullied on social media. Anti-bullying advocates suggest the number may be closer to 30 percent. A tremendous amount of research has been done on the effects of peer harassment, and there is unquestionably a correlation between bullying and brain health disorders that stretches all the way into adulthood. A Duke University study found that, compared with kids who weren't bullied, those who were had four times the prevalence of agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, and panic disorder as adults. The bullies themselves had four times the risk of developing antisocial personality disorder. There is also a strong association between bullying and depression and suicide. Both being a victim and bullying others is related to high risks of depression, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. Researchers at Yale found that victims of bullying were two to nine times more likely to report suicidal thoughts than other children.
  • Susan Klebold, A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (2017), p. 190-191

• The connection between bullying and violence toward others is more complicated, although again there's a correlation. Bullied kids often become bullies themselves, which appears to be what happened with Dylan and Eric. Larkin cites a student who claims they terrorized her brother, a student with special needs, so badly he was afraid to come to school. Researchers call students who both bully and suffer bullying "bully-victims," and find that these bully-victims are at the greatest psychological risk. "Their numbers, compared to those never involved in bullying, tell the story: 14 times the risk of panic disorder, 5 times the risk of depressive disorders, and 10 times the risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior.
  • Susan Klebold, A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (2017), p. 191

• The issue that has received the most attention as a factor in school shootings is bullying. According to this sound bite, school shooters are victims of bullying who seek revenge for their mistreatment. It is understandable that this idea would take hold in the minds of many people. We can easily grasp and relate to the concept of being hurt and wanting to retaliate. If a student attacks his peers, it seems logical that he must have been driven to such an act. In reality, however, this sound bite is not accurate. The situation is much more complex.
  • Peter Langman, Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters (2009), p. 11

• This same dynamic occurred with Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold at Columbine High School, where they were teased in response to their own provocative behavior. In contrast, the sound bite coverage of Columbine focused on them as innocent victims of a toxic peer culture in which they were persistently harassed. This one-sided view has become fixed in many people's minds, often leading to an assumption that bullying is the primary cause of school shootings. Because this sound bite has assumed the proportion of a myth, it is necessary to take an in-depth look at what really happened. Based on the available evidence, the extent that Eric and Dylan were bullied has been exaggerated, and their harassment and intimidation of other students has been overlooked or minimized.
  • Peter Langman, Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters (2009), p. 13

• This point may seem obvious, but it needs to be said: School shooters are disturbed individuals. These are not ordinary kids who were bullied into retaliation. These are not ordinary kids who played too many video games. These are not ordinary kids who just wanted to be famous. These are simply not ordinary kids. These are kids with serious psychological problems. This fact has often been missed or minimized in reports on school shooters. Why, then, if school shooters are a complex phenomenon, has there been such a focus on simplistic explanations like bullying? One reason is that in the immediate aftermath of an attack, detailed information about the perpetrator is not available. It may take months or years for relevant details to be made public, and by that point, the story is no longer front-page news. As a result, the more in-depth information does not reach as large an audience as the initial reports. Another issue is that most people are not mental health professionals and therefore cannot be expected to understand personality disorders, depression, trauma, and psychotic disorders. In addition, there is sometimes a suspicion regarding reports of psychosis. People often believe that criminals invent reports of hallucinations or delusions in order to avoid being found guilty. There is yet another reason for the triumph of the sound bite. Put simply, we can all understand the concept of revenge.
  • Peter Langman, Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters (2009), p. 15

• There are two contradictory views of Eric Harris. One is that he was an ostracized, lonely boy who was tormented by peers into an act of retaliatory violence. The alternate view is that he was essentially an evil monster. This is a pejorative label, however, not an explanation. To understand Eric, we need to go beyond labels to the internal workings of his mind. When we do so, we find that both views- the mistreated loner and the evil monster- are inadequate. The view of Eric as a lonely victim of harassment is not only inadequate but, to a significant extent, inaccurate... Eric was not a loner. He had lived in Colorado through middle school and high school, had multiple groups of friends and engaged in a wide variety of activities with his peers. He lived a highly social life and was liked by both boys and girls. On April 9, 1999, just 11 days before the attack, a group of Eric's friends took him out to dinner to celebrate his eighteenth birthday. But he was teased, wasn't he? Yes, he was. But so were many other kids at Columbine, not to mention everywhere else. And bullying? Having read thousands of pages of interview reports from nearly every student at Columbine High School, I found only one report of an incident in which Eric was physically harassed, and this consisted of being pushed into lockers.
  • Peter Langman, Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters (2009), p. 29-30

• Trump's standard tool kit for getting out of trouble- bullying, bluster, and manipulation- was useless in managing the pandemic. He tried to cloak reality with happy talk. He promised cures that would never be realized. He floated dangerous and unproven treatments, such as injecting bleach into patients' bodies. He muzzled experts like Dr. Anthony Fauci, who challenged his shaky claims and became more popular than the president. He refused to lead by example and wear a mask. He picked feuds with health officials and state governors scrambling to respond to emergency outbreaks, striking out at those who didn't praise his haphazard response. Not only did he fail to keep Americans safe; he couldn't keep himself safe. Trump was hospitalized with COVID-19 in October 2020, zapping his false air of invincibility.
  • Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year (2021), p. 5

• It's unbearable to think any young person should feel there is no other option but to end their life because of bullying on social networking sites.
  • Claire Lilley, NSPCC safer technology expert, quoted in BBC News, "One in five children bullied online, says NSPCC survey", August 11, 2013.

M - R

• Shame is a powerful driver not to tell someone something, so telling a parent that you have sent a naked picture of yourself... it's no wonder they don't tell. Sexual shame is a double whammy.
  • Dr. Maddox, quoted in BBC News, "Cyber-bullying: Horror in the home", August 17, 2013.

• [Trump ... alpha male] they’re overcompensating for how insecure they feel — a man who is secure with himself, a human who is secure with themselves, doesn’t have to go around bullying people all the time.
  • Madonna stating it was not true that she had ever asked Donald Trump for a date according to Madonna at Sixty published June 5, 2019

• I don't know about you, but for me, sixth grade was rough. None of the kids were into the same music or clothes as me. And that was fine with me, but it mattered to them. It got to the point where I looked forward to my visits to Granddad and Mema's, not only because I loved hanging out with them but also because I could relax there and not worry about some kid looking at me funny or calling me names, just because I liked sneakers instead of cowboy boots. I pretended that getting teased didn't bug me, but of course it did back then.
  • Austin Mahone, Just How It Happened: My Official Story (2014), p. 36

• I didn't take any of the social stuff at school that seriously. My main way of dealing with it was this: I was really quiet in school. I sat in the back and watched everyone and didn't say much. But for some reason, the kind of kids who care about being popular in high school are never content to let you do your own thing. As I got older, some kids still gave me a hard time about the way I dressed and the fact that I wasn't obsessed with the rodeo and country music like everyone else was. The one good thing I can say about this time is that it made me get clear on something: Either they were right or I was right. And I knew they weren't right. I knew there was a whole world out there, with all different kinds of music and people, and I knew I was going to get out of this small town someday and join it. And when I did, I was never going to look down on anyone. I was going to let everyone be who they wanted to be and not worry about it. I'd be too busy enjoying my life.
  • Austin Mahone, Just How It Happened: My Official Story (2014), p. 40

• The person hurt most by bullying is the bully himself. Most bullies have a downwardly spiraling course through life. Bullies... are fare more likely than nonaggressive kids to commit crimes, batter their wives, abuse their children- and produce another generation of bullies.
  • Dr. Hara Marano, as quoted by Kathleen Winkler in Bullying: How To Deal With Taunting, Teasing and Tormenting (2005), p. 42

• I talked to a lot of kids that get bullied, they brought it on themselves.
  • John Marks, school administrator at Westside High School in Jonesboro, Arkansas. Originally among statements he made to Harvard researchers working on a federally-funded study of the Westside High School Massacre of March 24, 1998, this remark was quoted by Mark Ames in Ames' book Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion: From Reagan's Workplaces to Clinton's Columbine and Beyond (2005), p. 183

• Bullying is one violent way that boys try to demonstrate their masculinity. Smaller, physically ineffectual boys are often singled out as targets of bullying by older boys. The captain of the debate team at Heath told us how he had his head knocked into the lockers on one occasion, and was beaten up by a bigger kid on the bus on another. One (not small) freshman told us that for months he would dodge behind a teacher when he saw an older bully coming, to avoid receiving hard punches on the shoulder that "really physically hurt." Another senior told us that he witnessed a group of twelve older boys chase and tackle younger and smaller ones for fun. Students described bullying and harassment as an everyday occurrence in the hallways, in "flex time," and in the bathrooms and said that despite its prevalence, teachers were either unaware of it or unable to stop it. Bullying makes it possible for more powerful students to call attention to their superiority on grounds that favor them. Scholarly students told us that bullying was often initiated by farm boys who had been held back at least one grade and often two and resented the brighter futures of the college-bound kids. Pushing others around was a means for these kids to draw attention to the ways that they were strong and others weak (literally).
  • Katherine S. Newman, Rampage: The Social Roots of School Shootings (2004), p. 144

• In addition to physical bullying, teasing that degraded the victim's masculinity was also common. Bullying experts have suggested that in recent decades, as teachers have become more aware of the importance of cracking down on physical bullying, teasing with the explicit intention of lowering the victim's self-worth is on the rise, and it has even been given a name: shaming. While the purpose of physical bullying is to control the victim (in the classic case, such as to make him turn over his lunch money), the purpose of shaming is to make the victim feel worse about himself.
  • Katherine S. Newman, Rampage: The Social Roots of School Shootings (2004), p. 145

• There is probably no more powerful source of stigma for an adolescent boy than being labeled gay. The risk to a boy's reputation is immeasurable, and his place on the social ladder is utterly compromised if even a smidgeon of it sticks.
  • Katherine S. Newman, Rampage: The Social Roots of School Shootings (2004), p. 145

• The power of this epithet has grown so much that it now covers a much wider range of behavior than the purely sexual reference that it connoted in the past. The term "gay" is now used as a slang term for any form of social or athletic incompetence. Students routinely say to one another "that's gay" when they are talking about a wide array of mistakes or social failures. If someone fails to make the right move on a soccer field or drops a lunch tray in the cafeteria, the kid behind him is quite likely to say, "That's really gay." Why? one fifteen-year-old girl provided an explanation: "Boys have a fascination with not being gay. They want to be manly, and put each other down by saying 'that's gay.'" Thus for boys, the struggle for status is in large part competition for the rank of alpha male, and any loss one boy can inflict on another opens up a new rung on the ladder that he might move into.
  • Katherine S. Newman, Rampage: The Social Roots of School Shootings (2004), p. 145-146

• For the record if someone did that to me I'd hitch a ride to the International Space Station straight away; of coarse who am I kidding, they would never let me in, I've got spiders for hands! Internet is mean!
  • John Oliver, Last Week Tonight: Online Harassment Last Week Tonight: Online Harassment (21 June 2015)

• If there’s one goal of this conference, it’s to dispel the myth that bullying is just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up.
  • Barack Obama, "Obamas focus on Antibullying Efforts" Jackie Calmes, The New York Times, March 10, 2011.

• LITTLETON, CO— On April 20, when two students at Columbine High School opened fire in a brutal shooting spree that left 12 classmates and a teacher dead, many feared that this affluent suburban school would never be the same. But now, more than four months after a tragedy that shook the nation to its core and marked the most notorious incident of school violence in U.S. history, the atmosphere is optimistic. Slowly but surely, life at Columbine is returning to normal. Thanks to stern new security measures, a militarized school environment and a massive public-relations effort designed to obscure all memory of the murderous event, members of Columbine's popular crowd are once again safe to reassert their social dominance and resume their proud, longstanding tradition of excluding those who do not fit in.
  • Parody news agency The Onion, "Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying", September 8, 1999.

• As the school year begins under the watchful eye of 24-hour electronic monitoring and police protection, a sense of normalcy has returned to Columbine. Just like at any other school, the computer geeks are mocked, the economically disadvantaged kids are barely acknowledged, and the chess-club, yearbook and debate-team members are universally reviled. While these traditions are nothing new, from now on they will be much easier to preserve, thanks to the high-tech, draconian security measures that now dominate Columbine life.
  • Parody news agency The Onion, "Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying", September 8, 1999.

• I believe this is the new claim that employers will deal with. This will replace sexual harassment. People who oppose it say these laws will force people to be polite at work. But you can no longer go to work and act like a beast and get away with it.
  • Sharon Parella, a management-side employment lawyer in New York, speaking of on-the-job bullying, quoted in Yahoo News, "Growing push to halt workplace bullying", March 1, 2013.

• I do not like to see an atmosphere of fear in an organization, where shouting, screaming and abuse of subordinates are common. You're probably saying, "Well, who does?" You'd be surprised. I have worked in fear- and abuse-filled organizations and have seen a lot more. Their leaders were at bottom insecure bullies who substituted Sturm und Drang for leadership. I have never known any leader who got the best out of his people that way.
  • Colin Powell, It Worked For Me: In Life and Leadership (2012), p. 101

• Bullying is a mean behavior. It is a way to make fun of other people. Some bullies pick on kids or say bad things about them. They also keep other kids from feeling like they are part of the group. Usually, bullying is not a one-time thing. Instead, bullies tease their victims over and over.
  • Lucia Raatma, Bullying (2013), p. 7

• Some bullies spread lies about other kids. They tell mean stories that embarrass kids. Bullies can make their victims feel awful. Bullying can make kids feel like they don't fit in at school. Bullies might say things like, "You can't play with us." Or they might say, "Don't sit at our table." This is how kids make bullies feel as though they are not liked. Kids who are bullied may feel like they are not good enough to be part of the group. But all kids deserve respect.
  • Lucia Raatma, Bullying (2013), p. 11-13

• Bullying can happen just about anywhere... Bullies can taunt kids in the cafeteria or on the bus. Usually, they choose places where adults are watching too many kids at once. Or they find places where there are no adults at all.
  • Lucia Raatma, Bullying (2013), p. 15

• If you see someone being bullied, try to help. Tell the person being bullied to come sit at your table. Offer to be her partner for a school project. With a group of friends, tell the bully to leave the victim alone. Sometimes a bully will be surprised if a group stands up to him.
  • Lucia Raatma, Bullying (2013), p. 19

• Yet the unwritten code that prevailed in that time and place stigmatized sex. Everyone masturbated but no one admitted it. Getting caught provoked months of merciless ridicule. Older boys, bullies, smacked you on the back of the head on the school bus, taunted you to tears. I only got caught once; I made sure I was never caught again.
  • Richard Rhodes, Making Love: An Erotic Odyssey (1992), p. 28

• With nearly a million children educated in our schools, we not only must demonstrate a profound commitment to stamp out such stereotyping and bullying, but we must also take action. We are therefore developing a programme for use in our schools, taking the best advice we can find anywhere, that specifically targets such bullying... I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: "The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that's fair." In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.
  • Bertrand Russell, Education and the Social Order (1932), p. 31.

S - Z

• Adult bullying at work is a shocking, frightening, and at times shattering experience, both for those targeted and for onlookers. Workplace bullying, mobbing, and emotional abuse essentially synonymous phenomena*are persistent, verbal, and nonverbal aggression at work that include personal attacks, social ostracism, and a multitude of other painful messages and hostile interactions. Because this phenomenon is perpetrated by and through communication, and because workers’ principal responses are communicative in nature, it is vital that communication scholars join the academic dialogue about this damaging feature of worklife. The harm to workers runs the gamut of human misery including ‘‘anxiety, depression, burnout, frustration, helplessness, ... difficulty concentrating, alcohol abuse (Richman, Flaherty, & Rospenda, 1996), and posttraumatic stress disorder (Leymann & Gustafsson, 1996; Mikkelsen & Einarsen, 2002). Witnessing co-workers experience increased fear, emotional exhaustion, hypervigilance, stress, and intentions to leave (Jennifer, Cowie, & Anaiadou, 2003; Vartia, 2001, 2003). Bullying also hinders group communication, cohesion, and performance by creating hostile environments marked by apprehension, distrust, anger, and suspicion (Frost, 2003; Lockhart, 1997; Vartia, 2003). What makes this communicative phenomenon especially grave is its elevated prevalence in US workplaces. From 28% to 36% of US workers report persistent abuse at work (Keashly & Neuman, 2005; Lutgen-Sandvik, Tracy, & Alberts, 2005; Neuman, 2004), and nearly 25% of US companies report some degree of bullying (Blosser, 2004). Furthermore, over 80% of workers say they have witnessed bullying sometime during their work histories (Keashly & Neuman, 2005; Lutgen-Sandvik, 2003a; Namie, 2003b). Given its prevalence and negative consequences, bullying warrants the attention of communication scholars, particularly those studying power and oppression.
  • Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik, “Take This Job and ... : Quitting and Other Forms of Resistance to Workplace Bullying”, Communication Monographs Vol. 73, No. 4, December 2006, pp. 406-407

• On the other hand, witnesses were also deeply disturbed by their experiences. Similar to target-witnesses, they spoke of how the workplace experience took over their entire lives, they worried about it at and away from work, they talked about it continually to family and friends, they spent large segments of work time speaking with others or figuring out how to deal with or avoid being abused. Witnesses and targets reported that their experiences and failure of organizational authorities to stop abuse stripped away their beliefs that good prevails over evil.
  • Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik, Ibid, p. 421

• Resistance to abuse at work is a complex, dynamic process in which workers fight to have a voice and are often punished for their efforts. If and when organizational authorities finally intervene, many have already left the organization or suffered years of abuse. The human cost is staggering and workers’ stories heartbreaking. Neither is resistance straightforward; worker dissent is easily reframed as deviant behavior by those for whom the resistance is threatening. Nonetheless, workers faced with bullying at work say they have a moral imperative to act against the injustice and in some cases actually alter their situations. Furthermore, workers often collectively organize against abusers, even in the absence of formal unions. Organizations would be well-informed to heed these voices. Resistance and the emotional communication that springs from it are warning signs that "act as signaling devices when expected appropriate norms of communication are violated" (Waldron, 2000, p.72). These should not be ignored. Organizational authorities must learn to "read the traces" of resistance to bullying, diagnose the problem early, and construct effective interventions.
  • Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik, Ibid, p. 429

• More than 90% of adults experience workplace bullying—that is, psychological and emotional abuse—at some time during the span of their work careers (Hornstein, 1996). The supervisors who inflict psychological abuse on subordinates represent one of the most frequent and serious problems confronting employees in today’s workforce (Yamada, 2000). Although the television news is quick to report the rare but sensational incidents of disgruntled employees returning to their former workplaces seeking revenge (e.g., “Office Rampage,” 1999), rarely do we see stories of employee humiliation and psychological violence perpetrated by more powerful organizational members. Research indicates a link between workplace abuse and workplace violence as the aggressor becomes increasingly more threatening to targeted employees (Namie & Namie, 2000). In addition to increased threats of violence from abusers (Leymann, 1990), employees who feel unfairly treated may express their anger and outrage in subtle acts of retaliation against their employers, including work slowdown or covertly sabotaging the abuser (Skarlicki & Folger, 1997). As reported in a government study, “The cost to employers is untold hours and dollars in lost employee work time, increased health care costs, high turnover rates, and low productivity” (Bureau of National Affairs [BNA], 1990, p. 2). Employee emotional abuse (EEA) is a repetitive, targeted, and destructive form of communication directed by more powerful members at work at those less powerful.
  • Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik, "The Communicative cycle of Employee Emotional Abuse", Management Communication Quarterly, Vol. 16, No. 4, May 2003, p. 472

• For the purposes of this article, EEA is defined as targeted, repetitive workplace communication that is unwelcome and unsolicited, violates standards of appropriate conduct, results in emotional harm, and occurs in relationships of unequal power (Keashly, 2001). EEA has also been labeled workplace mistreatment (Price Spatlen, 1995), workplace aggression (Baron & Neuman, 1998), workplace harassment (Bjorkqvist et al., 1994), verbal abuse (Cox et al., 1991), psychological abuse (Sheenan et al., 1990), and chological violence (Institute for Workplace Trauma and Bullying, 2002).
  • Ibid, pp. 474-5

• Emotional abusers appear to be particularly skilled at appearing to provide constructive feedback because the organization formally requires it. The extremes to which managers go to build a verbal and written case against the target suggest that this is done to “make . . . action appear justifiable and reasonable to all parties” (Fairhurst et al., 1986, p. 569). They are inclined to systematically distort these communicative processes if they want to get rid of an employee (author’s experience), and because the more powerful member creates the documenting language, they author the formal record of “what occurred.” Rather than improve performance, this form of chronic criticism more often unnerves targets (Lockhart, 1997) and results in further poor performance that substantiates the abuser’s initial claims of incompetence (Wyatt & Hare, 1997).
  • Ibid, p. 482

• A lot of kids are bullied because of their sexual identity or expression. It's often the effeminate boys and the masculine girls, the ones who violate gender norms and expectations, who get bullied.
  • Dan Savage, in "Dan Savage Explores College Relationships on his New MTV Show", by Sierra Tishgart, Teen Vogue, Apr. 2, 2012.

• Last year, when I was in sixth grade, our class watched a video about a boy who was bullied because of his disabilities. A girl at his school went on the internet and told everyone she wanted to have a relationship with him. Once she put it out there, she couldn't take it back. When the boy found out it was just a joke, he wrote on the Web, "People like you make me want to kill myself." And then he did; he hanged himself.
  • Mariah, student quoted in Bullying and Me: Schoolyard Stories (2010) by Ouisie Shapiro, p. 11-12

• Kids are sneaky about bullying. They don't want to get caught, so they make sure to do it when there are no teachers around.
  • Richard, student quoted in Bullying and Me: Schoolyard Stories (2010) by Ouisie Shapiro, p. 13

• Don't stand by and do nothing. Sometimes kids who are being bullied need to borrow strength from someone else. If you see someone getting picked on, try to take him or her away from the bully. If you don't feel safe doing this, report the incident to an adult.
  • Ouisie Shapiro, Bullying and Me: Schoolyard Stories (2010), p. 29

• Junior high was actually sort of hard because I got dumped by this group of popular girls. They didn't think I was cool or pretty enough, so they stopped talking to me. The kids at school thought it was weird that I liked country music.
  • Taylor Swift, quoted in People, "Taylor Swift Suffered Bullying in School", January 27, 2009.

• Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems. In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.

Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

• Stopbullying.gov, "What Is Bullying", updated September 28, 2017.

• There are three types of bullying:

Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:

Teasing

Name-calling

Inappropriate sexual comments

Taunting

Threatening to cause harm

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:

Leaving someone out on purpose

Telling other children not to be friends with someone

Spreading rumors about someone

Embarrassing someone in public

Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:

Hitting/kicking/pinching

Spitting

Tripping/pushing

Taking or breaking someone’s things

Making mean or rude hand gestures

• Stopbullying.gov, "Types of Bullying", updated September 28, 2017.

• Bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, a significant percentage also happens in places like on the playground or the bus. It can also happen travelling to or from school, in the youth’s neighborhood, or on the Internet.

• Stopbullying.gov, "Where and When Bullying Happens", updated September 28, 2017.

• Generally, children who are bullied have one or more of the following risk factors:

Are perceived as different from their peers, such as being overweight or underweight, wearing glasses or different clothing, being new to a school, or being unable to afford what kids consider “cool”

Are perceived as weak or unable to defend themselves

Are depressed, anxious, or have low self esteem

Are less popular than others and have few friends

Do not get along well with others, seen as annoying or provoking, or antagonize others for attention

However, even if a child has these risk factors, it doesn’t mean that they will be bullied.

• Stopbullying.gov, "Children at Risk of Being Bullied", updated February 8, 2018.

• There are two types of kids who are more likely to bully others:

Some are well-connected to their peers, have social power, are overly concerned about their popularity, and like to dominate or be in charge of others.

Others are more isolated from their peers and may be depressed or anxious, have low self esteem, be less involved in school, be easily pressured by peers, or not identify with the emotions or feelings of others.

Children who have these factors are also more likely to bully others;

Are aggressive or easily frustrated

Have less parental involvement or having issues at home

Think badly of others

Have difficulty following rules

View violence in a positive way

Have friends who bully others

Remember, those who bully others do not need to be stronger or bigger than those they bully. The power imbalance can come from a number of sources—popularity, strength, cognitive ability—and children who bully may have more than one of these characteristics.

• Stopbullying.gov, "Children More Likely to Bully Others", updated February 8, 2018.

• Statistics from the 2012 Indicators of School Crime and Safety show that an adult was notified in less than half (40%) of bullying incidents. Kids don’t tell adults for many reasons:

Bullying can make a child feel helpless. Kids may want to handle it on their own to feel in control again. They may fear being seen as weak or a tattletale.

Kids may fear backlash from the kid who bullied them.

Bullying can be a humiliating experience. Kids may not want adults to know what is being said about them, whether true or false. They may also fear that adults will judge them or punish them for being weak.

Kids who are bullied may already feel socially isolated. They may feel like no one cares or could understand.

Kids may fear being rejected by their peers. Friends can help protect kids from bullying, and kids can fear losing this support.

• Stopbullying.gov, "Why don't kids ask for help?", updated February 7, 2018.

• Kids who are bullied can experience negative physical, school, and mental health issues. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience:

Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. These issues may persist into adulthood.

Health complaints

Decreased academic achievement—GPA and standardized test scores—and school participation. They are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.

A very small number of bullied children might retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.

• Stopbullying.gov, "Kids Who Are Bullied", updated September 12, 2017.

• Although considerable research has linked workplace bullying with psychosocial and physical costs, the stories and conceptualizations of mistreatment by those targeted are largely untold. This study uses metaphor analysis to articulate and explore the emotional pain of workplace bullying and, in doing so, helps to translate its devastation and encourage change. Based on qualitative data gathered from focus groups, narrative interviews, and target drawings, the analysis describes how bullying can feel like a battle, water torture, nightmare, or noxious substance. Abused workers frame bullies as narcissistic dictators, two-faced actors, and devil figures. Employees targeted with workplace bullying liken themselves to vulnerable children, slaves, prisoners, animals, and heartbroken lovers. These metaphors highlight and delimit possibilities for agency and action. Furthermore, they may serve as diagnostic cues, providing shorthand necessary for early intervention.
  • Tracy, Sarah J.; Lutgen-Sandvik, Pamela; Alberts, Jess K. (2006). "Nightmares, Demons and Slaves, Exploring the Painful Metaphors of Workplace Bullying", Management Communication Quarterly. 20 (2): 151–152.

• But it was one thing for Donald to stay out of his father's crosshairs and another to get into his good graces. Toward that end, Donald all but eradicated any qualities he might have shared with his older brother. Except for the occasional fishing trip with Freddy and his friends, Donald would become a creature of country clubs and offices, golf being the only thing on which he and his father differed. He would also double down on the behaviors he had thus far gotten away with: bullying, pointing the finger, refusing to take responsibility, and disregarding authority. He says that he "pushed back" and Fred "respected" that. The truth is, he was able to push back against his father because Fred let him.
  • Mary L. Trump, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man (2020), p. 47

• Eventually, when Donald went away to military school at thirteen, Fred began to admire Donald's disregard of authority. Although a strict parent in general, Fred accepted Donald's arrogance and bullying- after he actually started to notice them- because he identified with the impulses.
  • Mary L. Trump, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man (2020), p. 47-48

• At the military academy, Donald had survived the first couple of years as an underclassman by using the considerable skills he'd acquired growing up in the family house: his ability to feign indifference in the face of pain and disappointment, to withstand the abuse of the bigger, older boys. He hadn't been a great student, but he'd had a certain charm, a way of getting others to go along with him that, back then, wasn't entirely grounded in cruelty. In high school Donald had been a decent athlete, a guy some people found attractive with his blue eyes and blond hair and his swagger. He had all the confidence of a bully who knows he's always going to get what he wants and never has to fight for it.
  • Mary L. Trump, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man (2020), p. 74-75

• During the most crucial juncture of the Steeplechase deal, its unraveling, and its aftermath, Donald did a fair amount of armchair quarterbacking. Freddy, who had never developed the armor that might have helped him withstand his father's mockery and humiliation, was particularly sensitive to being dressed down in front of his siblings. When they were younger, Donald had been both a bystander and collateral damage. Now that he was older, he felt increasingly confident that Freddy's continuing loss of their father's esteem would be to his benefit, so he often watched silently or joined in.
  • Mary L. Trump, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man (2020), p. 75

• A couple of years ago, I was driving in Cincinnati with Usha, when somebody cut me off. I honked, the guy flipped me off, and when we stopped at a red light (with this guy in front of me), I unbuckled my seat belt and opened the car door. I planned to demand an apology (and fight the guy if necessary), but my common sense prevailed and I shut the door before I got out of the car. Usha was delighted that I'd changed my mind before she yelled at me to stop acting like a lunatic (which has happened in the past), and she told me that she was proud of me for resisting my natural instinct. The other driver's sin was to insult my honor, and it was on that honor that nearly every element of my happiness depended as a child- it kept the school bully from messing with me, connected me to my mother when some man or his children insulted her (even if I agreed with the substance of the insult), and gave me something, however small, over which I exercised complete control. For the first eighteen or so years of my life, standing down would have earned me a verbal lashing as a "pussy", or a "wimp" or a "girl." The objectively correct course of action was something that the majority of my life had taught me was repulsive to an upstanding young man. For a few hours after I did the right thing, I silently criticized myself. But that's progress, right? Better that than sitting in a jail cell for teaching that asshole a lesson about defensive driving.
  • J.D. Vance, Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis (2016), p. 246-247

• Somebody who is bullied and has a lot of coping skills, support in their family and in other friends, is probably more resilient than somebody who doesn’t perceive others as being supportive or has low self-esteem, identity issues, or depressed mood.
  • Dr. Elizabeth Waterman, a clinical psychologist at Morningside Recovery Center in Newport Beach, Calif, quoted on Fox News, "Teen suicide: Is your child at risk?", September 15, 2013.

• Once you have power you have everything.
  • High school boy, former bully, quoted in Bullying: How To Deal With Taunting, Teasing and Tormenting (2005) by Kathleen Winkler, p. 21

• It's mostly the popular people that can get away with a lot of stuff because everyone else wants to be friends with whoever is popular.
  • Middle school boy, quoted in Bullying: How To Deal With Taunting, Teasing and Tormenting (2005) by Kathleen Winkler, p. 21

• Dr. Dan Olweus, a social science researcher in Norway who did much of the original research on bullying, found that by the time bullied children become adults, some "normalization" takes place. Victims are freer to choose or create their own social life. At the same time, he said, they are still at risk for depression and negative feelings about themselves. Another researcher found that adults who had been victims of bullying in childhood reported higher levels of loneliness than did nonvictims. In addition, that study showed that adult men who never married and were shy with women often had a history of being bullied in childhood. That suggests the social withdrawal often seen in victims may continue in later life. Of course, it is not always that way. Many children, perhaps most of them, who are bullied grow up to be normal, happy people. But for some, the fear and self-hatred caused by the bullies never leave.
  • Kathleen Winkler, Bullying: How To Deal With Taunting, Teasing and Tormenting (2005), p. 41

• For a television special on bullying, children on a playground were videotaped. When the producers watched the tape, they saw a bullying incident about every eight minutes. When they asked teachers how often they stepped in to stop bullying, the teachers said, "All the time." Yet the tape showed them stepping in just 5 percent of the incidents. One teacher admitted, "We rarely see it, we don't intervene and we don't hear it. But kids hear it, see it and are a part of it."
  • Kathleen Winkler, Bullying: How To Deal With Taunting, Teasing and Tormenting (2005), p. 66

• Just telling bullies to stop or telling victims to ignore them or fight back are not solutions to a school's bullying problem, experts say. "To prevent bullying, educators need to do nothing less than change the school culture," says researcher J. David Hawkins, "the school environment in which learning takes place."
  • Kathleen Winkler, Bullying: How To Deal With Taunting, Teasing and Tormenting (2005), p. 66

• Society is just beginning to understand the effects of bullying and to learn what to do about it. Every child in elementary, middle, or high school needs to ask, "Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?" When more of us are part of the solution than part of the problem, the issue of bullying will no longer devastate as many lives and cause so much pain.
  • Kathleen Winkler, Bullying: How To Deal With Taunting, Teasing and Tormenting (2005), p. 87

Bullying Scars

Quotes from Bullying Scars: The Impact on Adult Life and Relationships (2016) by Dr. Ellen Walser deLara

• As the last decade has unfolded I have watched the public discourse on bullying change from trying to understand who is involved in bullying, to a focus that puts the responsibility on children to assume responsibility for changing a culture of bullying and intimidation at school, to a systems-based approach that recognizes the absolute necessity for adults, schools, and communities to take the lead in effecting change.
  • p. x

• It is time to expand the conversation about bullying in childhood and adolescence to consider the long-term effects into adulthood. The trauma of bullying and harassment can leave serious and painful scars on the lives of adults. The anxiety, depression, stress, and relationship dysfunction that can come as a result of childhood bullying are serious at the individual and family level. The consequences are a national health issue and warrant our concern and attention.
  • p. xi

• It is critical that we begin to recognize that the effects of so-called typical childhood teasing and bullying do not just go away; instead they shape development and last a lifetime. After reading this book, I would like people to understand that childhood bullying is detrimental. It cannot be considered lightly as in "Kids will be kids." If you stop to ask and then truly listen, you will hear the accounts of many for whom childhood was a time to be endured, not enjoyed. For many, the memories of bullying are indelible. The shadows of their experiences are the basis of this book.
  • p. xxiv

• Problems trusting others can take a generalized state form (as in "I don't trust anybody") or can be very specific to certain groups. People suffering with APBS tend not to trust others. They are particularly cautious in intimate relationships such as friendship and marriage, always expecting that they will be betrayed. Further, they do not trust people who look, act, or even dress like those who bullied them. This lack of trust is problematic for establishing relationships in the first place and for managing them.
  • p. 22

• The problem of mistrusting others significantly impairs a person's ability to connect with other people and then to stay connected. People who trust easily establish relationships readily and maintain them. They do not have attachment problems. Children who have been bullied and then end up with adult post-bullying syndrome often appear to either run from relationships or manage to get into abusive ones. After all, they have learned as children that their peers or siblings will treat them badly. For the most part, they never learned how to stop bullying as children. Consequently, they do not know how and often do not even want to extricate themselves from physically or emotionally abusive relationships as adults. This is all they know. At the other end of the continuum are adults so scarred from their bullying experiences that they are willing to end their marriages based on what, to others, might seem reparable. But to some adults suffering with APBS any hint of disrespect or bullying is intolerable.
  • p. 23

• Social learning theory indicates that we learn from each interpersonal interaction and we learn how to treat one another (Bandura, 1969). The result, for some people who have been bullied and who have lost trust is to keep a certain emotional distance in all of their relationships.
  • p. 89

• Parents tend to think that sibling violence is "sibling rivalry" and is just a normal part of growing up. They fail to understand that kids can only tolerate so much demeaning before a "kick-the-dog" syndrome sets in. In other words, Colin had nowhere else to take his anger except to his sibling. I asked him if he thought about telling his parents to intervene. His response was very typical: "No, I don't think they could do anything. I was also worried it might get worse. Also some of the bullies were my friends." This last sentence tends to perplex parents. Bullied by friends is a concept that does not seem to compute. However this is exactly what happened to Colin, and it happens to many kids.
  • p. 162-163

• This is an area of research needing more investigation. Mackey, Fromuth, and Kelley (2010) did a small study with about 145 undergraduates asking about sibling bullying. Their results indicated that those who considered themselves to be bullied by a sibling when they were children continued to experience anxiety. There are questions that still must be addressed. When a child has been bullied by a sibling or more than one sibling, are there continuing effects into adulthood? The studies above indicate that children bullied by their siblings are more likely than those who have not been bullied to experience anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and self-harming behaviors needing clinical intervention. Do these issues carry over to other stages of life? What happens to these sibling relationships once they are adults? Is all forgotten or forgiven? Or is there always a sense of mistrust? Bowes et. al. (2014) found that children who were bullied by their siblings were more likely to be bullied by peers and, as we have discussed in other sections of the book, the impact of peer bullying does last a lifetime. At this point in time, most have figured out that peer bullying at school and in the community is not acceptable, but sibling bullying remains an arena where adults still take a hands-off attitude.
  • p. 166

• Of the participants in my study, 37% told their parents that they were bullied at school. Of that group, about half felt supported by their family whether or not the parent could do anything effective or not. The other half were met with a less than nurturing response. One example that stands out for its lack of compassion is shared by Shana. She was bullied throughout elementary and middle school. At the end of middle school, when she was feeling particularly low, she considered hurting herself. Her father found out about her solution and took her outside with a loaded shotgun. He showed her how to commit suicide by kneeling down, putting the gun under her chin, and pulling the trigger. He very forcefully told her that if that was the route she wanted to take she should do it right then and there. Fortunately, Shana did not follow her father's suggestion. Whether Shana's father behaved in this way out of ignorance or his own fears, we don't know. What we do know is that children who feel connected to and supported by close relationships with family members fare much better at overcoming bullying and developing a sense of resilience that lasts a lifetime (Bowes et al., 2020; Hong & Espelage, 2012; Levin, 2011; Resnick et al., 1997).
  • p. 175

• Parents and caregivers are our first teachers. Siblings, too, model ways of behaving and settling conflicts. They help or harm our psychological and social development. In terms of bullying, they can be bullies or they can teach respectful family interactions and be a child's best advocate. All of these choices carry immediate and long-term consequences. When there has been psychological injury, people may forgive but they rarely forget. There are lifelong reverberations.
  • p. 176

• Despite the efforts of adults, bullying, harassment, and hazing continue to be widespread problems in our nation's schools. Virtually all students are involved as victims, bullies, bully/victims, or witnesses. With severe impacts on lifelong development and mental health, finding a way to prevent bullying is a major public health concern. Far more prevalent than we once believed, bullying occurs in our schools and via cyberspace on an around-the-clock basis. There are long-term costs that haunt those involved, and these consequences are not solely carried by the victims. Bullies are more likely than the general population to become workplace bullies (Matthiesen & Einarsen, 2007; Zapf & Einarsen, 2011) or to end up involved with the criminal justice system (Apel & Burrow, 2011; Carter, 2012). As noted earlier, research establishes that both bullies and victims can experience lifelong depression, anxieties, difficulties in relationships, and an inability to trust others. Because bullying is traumatic, it can result in post-traumatic stress disorder.
  • p. 212

• While adults admonish children to stop bullying each other, there is an adult moral code witnessed in their behavior that allows for- and promotes- bullying and revenge. Consequently, we have to realize that children do not have enough power to change it and it is not their responsibility. Prevention of this pervasive phenomenon is the direct responsibility of adults. Adults at school and in the community need to make the commitment to examine and change their own behavior if they hope to diminish bullying among children.
  • p. 212

• Parents, educators and policy makers must see the serious long-term consequences of bullying. Only in this way will there be a concerted and ongoing effort to interrupt bullying at first signs in childhood. We can no longer afford the attitude that says, "Bullying is just a rite of passage" or "Bullying happens; you get over it." Clearly this is not the case. The adults in this study and in other research prove otherwise. Health and mental health practitioners need a comprehensive vision of the effects of bullying on both children and adults. With the understanding that bullying and harassment may lead to a lifetime of poor decisions, of relationship problems, and of mental health issues, practitioners can begin to regularly ask about current or past bullying episodes. Doing so will provide a key to unlocking the history behind problems clients are experiencing and will offer a direction for treatment. This is a call to parents, educators, and health practitioners, and policy makers to stand up and make a difference so that a childhood of bullying does not turn into an adult life full of its aftermath. Bullying scars.
  • p. 212-213

Bullied

Quotes from Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear (2012) by Carrie Goldman

• How exactly does the pain of severe bullying affect the most vulnerable kids? Studies investigating the neuroscience of bullying have found that bully victims experience anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, difficulty concentrating, headaches, and stomach pain as a result of being bullied. Studies of early social deprivation show that human beings are hardwired to belong, and nowhere is this more evident than in kids jockeying for social position. And the old adage- sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? Not true. Neuroimaging studies have shown that parts of the cortical pain network are also activated when a person is socially excluded. This goes not just for adults but for children as well. The brain of a child as young as thirteen has been shown to react to social pain as if the child were being physically injured. Taunting and bullying hurts, and we have the brain scans to prove it. Even worse, being repeatedly victimized by peers- which is the very nature of bullying, the repetitiveness of it- actually alters brain functioning, which increases the victim's sensitivity to future attacks, even causing the person to perceive an ambiguous situation as threatening. Years after the school bullying has ceased, victims are left picking up the wreckage.
  • p. xiii

• The outlook for the most-affected victims is serious, but I believe there is hope that we can continue to reduce the number of victims. Bullying is a learned behavior. Children are not born cruel. Babies in diapers do not assess each other as too fat, too poor, too dark-skinned, too nerdy, too conceited. Born innocent, they start learning stereotypes as soon as they understand language, and we see bullying behaviors in children as young as toddlers. Since preschoolers who display marked aggressiveness have a higher likelihood of being bullies in older grades, the earlier intervention begins, the better the results. It is much easier to inculcate kindness and acceptance into a five-year-old who acts like a bully than into a fifteen-year-old who acts like a bully.
  • p. xiii-xix

• Social pain changes as kids grow older, and the reasons for bullying become more complex. Tweens and middle schoolers can find themselves perfectly accepted one day and ostracized the next, leaving them bewildered as to how things fell apart. This is what happened with Deanna, who told me that her problems began in sixth grade. "I had never had trouble making friends before, but now that I was in middle school, the girls did not like me because I wore short hair and weird clothes." Deanna's family was barely making ends meet, and her school was located in a wealthy neighborhood. By the middle of the year, the ostracism was overwhelming. "I asked one of the girls why she didn't like me, and she just said, 'because you're weird.' I held out my hand and said, 'I think we got off on the wrong foot; let's start over. Hi, I'm Deanna.' She looked at me and said, 'Start over? We're not going out! What are you, some kind of lesbian?' and then spread the rumor around the school that I was, in fact, a lesbian, and that if any female talked to me, I would rape them."
  • p. 125

• Do kids "invite" bullying by acting differently than others? Stan Davis is one bullying expert who is working to combat that type of thinking. He spoke passionately to me about the need to stop assigning responsibility to the victim, insisting that "we as a society must give up on the adult idea that if someone did something to you, it must be because you did something wrong. Adults think that the only people who get picked on are too passive or too annoying, and if we react to a kid's report of injury from that frame of mind, we have a problem." Davis commented that this mentality is exactly how the police used to react to reports of rape. Police would ask a rape victim what she was wearing. "We have lobbied to change that way of thinking," he said. "Sure, it was a task, but it was successful, and now police would never say to a rape victim, 'Well, what were you wearing?' We need to do the same thing with bullying." Davis stressed that mean behavior is the fault of the person that does it. "I tell parents that their child is teased because there are people who think making fun of someone who is different is acceptable, not because your child has an awkward social style. This requires a big conceptual change: teasing tells us about the person who did it and nothing about the person who was teased."
  • p. 223

• At the same time that we teach empathy to the bullies, we need to stop sending the victims the message that their own behavior or traits are bringing on the attacks. This requires a fundamental change in the way adults view bullying. A child is not bullied because he is gay or autistic or overweight. A child is bullied because a bully has decided that the target is unacceptably different and less worthy of respect. We must teach the targets how to cognitively frame the bullying so that they do not think the abuse is their fault or something they deserve. Groundbreaking new research by Stan Davis and Charisse Nixon has shown that when a victim learns to think about the bullying in new ways- "This bullying is not happening because I am overweight. It is happening because the bully is choosing to act in a mean and hateful way, and that is his fault, not mine"- then the effects of the mistreatment are greatly diminished. Davis and Nixon's research also shows that many bullied kids find relief when they tell an adult or peer, but many are reluctant to do so.
  • p. 270-271

• We need to empower the bystanders and witnesses to speak up or go get help, and we need to teach them that silent or laughing or joining in makes them accountable too. If even a single witness reaches out to a victim, the tide can change. Others will join in, and the balance of power shifts. The situation diffuses, and the bullying will cease. How do we teach these skills? By creating caring environments in which all of the different worlds our children inhabit: the home, the school, the neighborhood, the Internet, the playing fields, and all the places in between. Increasing the adult supervision of high-risk bullying areas is part of the picture. But our budget-strapped schools will be the first to admit that it is impossible to always have a connected, respected teacher in every corner, and time-pressured parents will protest that they cannot be everywhere. This is why our kids need better social skills. We don't want to create a "helicopter parent" approach to bullying intervention. Yes, adult monitoring and intervention are critical, but so is the ability of children to resolve conflict on their own. If we swoop in and rescue our kids every time someone picks on them, we inadvertently teach them that they cannot take care of themselves.
  • p. 271

• Bullying is a multifaceted problem, and thus it requires a many-pronged solution. It is not enough to monitor our children's media use, teach empathy to bullies, empower and support the victims, and provide children with social skills and conflict-resolution skills. We have to step back and analyze our own culpability in creating a culture that has fostered attitudes of entitlement and condescension toward those who are different. It is uncomfortable to explore our own secret inconsistencies and stereotypes. One mother told me she initially recoiled at the sight of her preschool son in a dress, before she ultimately decided that he should be allowed to play dress up if that is what makes him happy. Many people disagree with her, and issues of gender noncomformity are particularly controversial. Gender-based bullying is rampant, and it stems from a myriad of places. Even within gender-based bullying, not all victims receive equal defending. The world was quick to defend Katie's right to be a Star Wars-loving girl, but a princess-loving boy is unlikely to receive such universal support. Some people say Star Wars is for everyone and princesses are just for girls. But if you walk into a toy store, Star Wars toys are clearly displayed in the "boys' section" and princesses are relegated to the pink "girls' section". Gender-based toy marketing contributes to gender-based stereotypes and creates situations ripe for bullying.
  • p. 271-272

• None of us is without blame. None of us is without strengths. If we keep these two truths in mind, we are well positioned to take on the problem of bullying with grace and maturity. Every person has a voice that deserves to be heard, even the marginalized and the mute. We just need to listen, and change will occur.
  • p. 272

Bullyproof Your Child For Life

Quotes from Bullyproof Your Child For Life: Protect Your Child From Teasing, Taunting, and Bullying For Good (2007) by Dr. Joel Haber

• When I was growing up, bullying was assumed to be a rite of passage. If you got beat up on the playground, that was supposed to toughen you up and show you how to "be a man." If kids called you names, that was "just teasing," and you were told to ignore it and it would stop. And almost no one talked about bullying among girls. The good news is that society is taking bullying a lot more seriously these days. The bad news is that it took tragedies like school shootings to make us wake up. Bullying is abuse, and it carries serious short-term and long-term consequences for all involved: the bullies, the targets, and the observers. Nearly everyone can remember that white-hot feeling when a bully said something meant to humiliate, or the time you tried to will yourself torment you in the locker room, even twenty or thirty years after it happened. Nearly everyone can remember the poor kid who was at the bottom of the social totem pole at school, and any of us can remember wishing to help, but keeping our mouths shut out of fear of being the next target of looking "uncool."
  • p. 10

• Note that bullies are not typically jealous of the kids they pick on, and they don't usually have low self-esteem. That's another myth- one that experts believed for decades until psychological tests showed that bullies typically had self-esteem to spare. When I was growing up, the stereotype of the bully was an overweight, overaggressive, not very intelligent boy who beat up on others to make himself feel better by proving his physical strength. There are still some of this type of bully out there, sure, but there's a much more dangerous bully type now. Today's bullies are often popular, smart, charming to adults, and have many friends, even if their friendships are based on fear. They maintain their social status by making others objects of scorn and ridicule. To most people, they look like leaders. What bullies may not have is empathy, and that may be the most critical element differentiating them from kids with true leadership skills.
  • p. 15

• The thing that makes it so hard to deal with these types of bullies is that they're often hard to recognize, and hard for bystanders to stand up to. People like them. Teachers are amused by them. Coaches value them. Their social skills enable them to sweet-talk and appear innocent to adults, and their peers are terrified of standing up to them when they witness bullying behaviors because they could easily become the next targets. Whether they admit it or not, nearly all kids want to be popular. They want to have friends on the highest rung of the social ladder. They'll rarely contradict or confront a popular kid who's doing something wrong because that would make them "uncool" and likely to lose social status themselves. Because of this, the popular bullies learn that they can get away with anything, and their empathy declines. They feel more and more powerful, and feel contempt for the less powerful kids. They're likely to repeat this pattern throughout life in their workplaces, towns, and families- teaching their kids how to climb the social ladder so they can annihilate the "worthless" kids below them, too. That is part of the reason we have to deal with these issues early when they occur, because the longer kids get away with bullying, the less their empathy kicks in to stop these situations.
  • p. 15-16

• By now, most of us realize that the adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me" is a load of bull. The truth is that broken bones heal. Broken hearts are much harder to mend, and broken spirits can be lifetime handicaps. And parents, no matter how many times you tell your kids, "You're smart and attractive," if all they hear from their peers is "You're stupid and ugly," the latter is what they'll internalize. They don't believe you. You're biased- and besides, you're "old"! You're not going to negate the effects of verbal bullying just by assuring your child that the kids' words aren't true.
  • p. 23

• Bullying is meant to humiliate, and it does its job quite well. Often bullied kids are so embarrassed that they don't even want to tell their parents.
  • p. 37

• Sensitive kids expect other kids to be sensitive. When they're not, often the sensitive kid wants to tell the bully how she feels, particularly when they're young and the bullying is verbal. ("You hurt my feelings." "I don't like it when you say that!" "Stop, you're making me upset.") Some parents encourage this, too, believing that if the bully just understood the words or behaviors were hurtful, they'd stop. This is wishful thinking, and works only when you're not dealing with a true bully. True bullies don't have empathy--at least not for your child. They do not care that they've hurt your child's feelings...in fact, that's exactly what they want. So if your child expresses that his feelings are hurt, it's just as good as your child saying, "Way to go! You're accomplishing your goal. Please, keep it up! I might fall apart any second! Get popcorn!"
  • p. 67

• It's extremely hard for good people to believe that anyone could be so cruel at heart, especially children. We want to believe just talking to them and helping them understand the effects of their behavior can turn them all around. Some of them can and will learn empathy, sure. Others never will.
  • p. 67

It's a stereotype that athletes are are often the school bullies. Of course, not all (or even most) bullies are athletes, but the stereotype exists for a reason. Athletes are generally stronger than the other kids- tougher, more agile, more intimidating. That in itself gives them an advantage in the bullying arena, but it goes further than that.

Athletes are taught to be aggressive, and told that the more aggressive they are, the more likely they are to win.

Athletes often get preferential treatment at school: they may have an easier time cutting class, or get passing grades when they really deserved to fail.

Adults in authority praise athletes, often reinforcing their place at the top of the pecking order.

Recruiters may treat star athletes like celebrities, spoiling them with gifts and bribes.

It's important to discuss leadership responsibilities with the better athletes. They need to understand that the qualities they have that make them leaders on the sports field are gifts to be used to help people, not to stomp on "weaker" kids.

• p. 179-180

• However, for some children, camp can be a nightmare if they experience bullying and they don't feel safe when they are away from home. Bullying thrives in unstructured atmospheres where supervision may feel looser, and camps can provide the perfect atmosphere for bullying to flourish, unfortunately. Kids generally have a lot more free time and possibilities to mingle with each other in camp, as opposed to school. In school, bullying happens about four times more often on the playground versus in the classroom, and camp can be like one giant playground. For example, bullying in camp occurs when supervision is lean: on the way to activities, during shower time, during free play, and when kids are in their cabins and counselors are not readily visible.
  • p. 193

• How many times do we hear children speak about their summer being "great" because of their mentors, the counselors? What makes a great summer are the relationships the kids make. Besides friends, they want to feel accepted, loved, cared for, and connected to their staff. From my own work in the bullying arena, one can see where there's an obvious overriding problem: Most of the staff are teenagers and young adults. The average age of a counselor is nineteen to twenty-two, but in many camps, high school students are hired for theses jobs, even if it is in the counselor-in-training format. The potential problem that brings is that these counselors are not very far removed from the prime bullying years in their own lives. They don't necessarily yet have any insight about how to handle bullies, and they're still worried about their own popularity and social standing.
  • p. 193-194

• Kids tend to know the social hierarchy in any group situation, whether that's at school, camp, or elsewhere. They figure out pretty quickly who's at the top of the ladder, who's in the middle, and who's on the bottom. So do counselors, even if they don't know it themselves, and counselors tend to align themselves with the ids at the top of the ladder. This is a normal human trait, wanting to connect with popularity. However, for a counselor, this issue has severe consequences, especially if it involves a child who is not a popular kid.
  • p. 194

• If they hear hurtful talk, counselors should jump in and defend the target. If a group of girls make fun of a camper's clothing or hair, the counselor needs to say something like, "I think Eileen's hair is beautiful." If they try to keep a kid out of an activity, the counselor needs to step in and make sure the kid is included and not picked on. Counselors need to be vigilant about jumping in when they hear gossip, or any negative talk about other campers or even other counselors. When counselors jump into camp situations and say, "Hey, what's going on here?" or "Hey, what's up with that?" or "We don't talk about anyone behind their back" or "How would you feel if someone was saying that about you right now behind your back?" counselors see that their behavior has an impact. This kind of training helps counselors define who they are as models and gives them the power to stop bullying. More important, it shows campers who's in charge and what they can get away with.
  • p. 199

External Links

It gets better project

Stopbullying.gov

Dealing with Bullies

Ronan's Escape

Dr. Joel Haber