Judge Elihu Smails
- I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat.
- "It's easy to grin
- when your ship comes in
- and you've got the stock market beat.
- But the man worthwhile
- is the man who can smile
- when his shorts are too tight in the seat". [laughs] Okay, pookie. Do the honors.
- [impatiently waits for the final putt] Well? We're waiting.
- License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill you must know your enemy, and in this case, my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will not quit, ever.
- Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace. You're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. It's about time somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. -- I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over. I guess it's just a matter of pumping about five thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson. Is that it? I think it is!
- [standing in an ornamental flowerbed] What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta. He's at the final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think. [swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild... [pauses] for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5-iron, it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [swings, pulverizes another flower] that's- oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion. [swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- it's in the hole! It's in the hole!
- Note: bolded portion ranked #92 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
- Ty: I like you, Betty.
- Danny: It's Danny, sir.
- Ty: Danny. Danny, I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen; all you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking...let things happen...and be...the ball.
- Sandy: [with heavy Scottish brougue]: Carl, I want you to kill all the gophers on the course.
- Carl: Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
- Sandy: Not golfers, you great git! Gophers- the little brown, furry rodents!
- Carl: We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.
- Sandy: Aye! Well, do it, man!
- Carl: All right. Let's do the same thing, but with gophers. [Sandy storms off] It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying.
- Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
- Angie: A looper?
- Carl: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver, he hauls off and whacks one- big hitter, the Lama- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says?
- Angie: No.
- Carl: "Gunga galunga...gunga- gunga lagunga." So we finish the eighteenth... and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know... for the effort, you know?" And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
- Al: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
- Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
- Al: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
- Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
- [he swings his club, and slices the ball into the woods]
- Smails: Damn!
- Al: Okay, you can owe me.
- Smails: I owe you nothing.
- Danny: Judge Smails, sir?
- Smails: Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here, so I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
- Danny: I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
- Smails: Good, good. You know, despite what happened, I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it- I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for- goodness...or badness.
- Danny: Now I know I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!
- Smails: Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal..."Mr. Scholarship Winner"?
- Danny: Yes, sir! I'm your pal!
- Smails: [ruffles Danny's hair] How about a Fresca?
- Spaulding: I want a hamburger-- No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake, I want potato...
- Smails: You'll get nothing and like it!
- At last, a comedy that bites!
- Some People Just Don't Belong.
- The Snobs Against The Slobs!
- Playing A Round Of Golf At The Bushwood Club Isn't Just Confined To The Golf Course!
- At last, a comedy with balls!
- Chevy Chase - Ty Webb
- Rodney Dangerfield - Al Czervik
- Ted Knight - Judge Elihu Smails
- Michael O'Keefe - Danny Noonan
- Bill Murray - Carl Spackler
- Sarah Holcomb - Maggie O'Hooligan
- Scott Colomby - Tony D'Annunzio
- Cindy Morgan - Lacey Underall
- Dan Resin - Dr. Beeper
- Henry Wilcoxon - The Bishop