Camp Lazlo

Camp Lazlo is an American animated television series created by Joe Murray for Cartoon Network. It was produced by Cartoon Network Studios. The show revolves around Lazlo, a spider monkey who attends a Boy Scout-like summer camp with a cast of anthropomorphic animal characters. It was broadcast from July 2005 to March 2008 on Cartoon Network.

Season 1

Gone Fishin' (Sort of) / Beans Are from Mars [1.01]

Lazlo: I'm sorry we sunk your fancy boat, and mistook you for a lake monster, but you gotta understand. We were just trying to help you catch a fish.

Lumpus: Help me? Help me?! You really want to help me?!

Lazlo, Raj, and Clam: Yes.

Lumpus: Help me catch a fish?

Lazlo, Raj, and Clam: Yes.

Lumpus: The only way you three bozos can help me catch a fish is to get as far away from me as possible and not help me at all!

Lazlo: Scoutmaster Lumpus, [opens the monster's mouth] do you need our help? Because you asked us not to help.

Lumpus: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I'm just getting eaten by a ferocious lake monster. Don't worry about me. What makes you think I need your...

Lazlo: Okay! [closes the monster's mouth]

Lumpus: Lazlo!

Lazlo: [opens the monster's mouth again] Yes?

Lumpus: Eh, I do need your help. And look, I caught a fish!

Lazlo: Wow! Hey! Look you guys, a fish! We caught a fish!

Patsy: [crying] I never thought my Lazlo could be...an alien!

[The masked Squirrel scouts have just kidnapped the Jelly cabin trio and tied them up]

Raj: Who-Who are you?

Clam: Wh-What d'ya want?

Lazlo: [sniffs] And why do you smell so nice?

[Patsy giggles]

Gretchen: Shut your traps!

Raj: How-how can they smell so nice and be so mean?

Gretchen: [turns on a flashlight to them] Tell us your plans, you disgusting aliens.

Lazlo: [confused] Aliens? We don't know what you're talking about.

Patsy: You think we're gonna fall for that?

Gretchen: We're too smart.

Nina: You said it, Gretchen. Uh, ahem. I mean, number 3.

[Last lines]

Lazlo: It's so cold, I can see my breath! [breathing out snowflakes] Hey, what's wrong with Clam?

[Clam is getting a brain freeze]

Raj: [laughs] He has what we call the "brain freeze." [gets a brain freeze with His face except for his nose imploding inside his head]

Lazlo: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Brain freeze! [gets a brain freeze and making funny faces, as the Squirrel Scouts laughed at them outside the cabin]

Gretchen: Be careful!

Nina: Your faces could stick that way.

Patsy: Especially since you just ate 16 gallons of frozen glue.

Nina: And, uh, [her glasses slip] everyone knows that aliens don't eat ice cream. [re-adjusts her glasses]

Lazlo: Oh, yeah? Let's recharge!

[The shock glows as the girls scream offscreen]

Snake Eyes / Racing Slicks [1.02]

Patsy: But I knew kung-fu! [jumps around making karate noises] And ninjitsu! [jumps around making more karate noises] And bok choy! [stands triumphantly]

Lazlo, Raj and Clam: Ooh! Bok choy!

Raj: She's quite the charmer. She has got ferocious nostrils.

Patsy: I happened to be an expert on snakes. I am a mongoose!

Raj: Wow, that's one angry caribou!

Edward: If you two are finished yapping, I'd like to have my sandwich now.

Ping-Pong: Sure thing. Edward ordered the salami sandwich; [hands a salami sandwich to Edward] hold the mayo. Dave ordered the ham and pea soup; [hands a bowl of ham and pea soup to Dave] hold the ham and peas. And I ordered the snake. [eyes widen] I ordered the snake?!

Edward, Dave and Ping-Pong: [look inside the basket] THE SNAKE! [scream]

Lazlo: [hearing their screaming from the distance] What was that?

Raj: I don't even know, but it reminded me of a movie about a melon that ate farmers.

Lazlo: Uh, I thought we were supposed to be looking for Snakey.

Patsy: Uh...Oh, yeah, we are.

Lazlo: But how come we see Snakey in the dark?

Patsy: [talking about Skip] That's funny. Where did he go?

Raj: Great holly! They're dropping like flies!

Lazlo: [running away from the snake with Patsy] But you said you're the greatest snake hunter in the world!

Patsy: I lied!

Lazlo: But what about ninjutsu?! Kung fu?! Bok choy?!

Patsy: Lied, lied, lied!

Lazlo: What about the time you beat up a snake with its own brass knuckles?!

Patsy: What part of "I lied" do you NOT understand?!

Campers: ♪ Go-cart races sing this song, do-da, do-da. ♪

♪ Go-cart races sing this song, oh-doo-da-day. ♪

Raj: ♪ Oh-a-do-da-day. ♪

Lazlo: ♪ Oh-a-do-da-day. ♪

Clam: ♪ Da-day. ♪

Campers: ♪ Go-cart races sing this song, oh-do-da... ♪

Lumpus: Will you can it with the singing?!

Slinkman: Sir, they're just excited about building their own go-carts for the big annual race.

Lights Out / Swimming Buddy [1.03]

Slinkman: [as shadow puppet Lumpus] Grumble, grumble, I'm very annoyed. Slinkman! Slinkman!

Lazlo: [laughs] I love this part!

Slinkman: [as shadow puppet Slinkman] Reporting for duty, sir. [as shadow puppet Lumpus] I thought I told you to order the Jelly Beans lights out! [as shadow puppet Slinkman] I did sir, but they were scheduled for a shadow puppet show tonight. [as shadow puppet Lumpus, who clears throat]

Lumpus: [walks into Jelly Bean Cabin] Slinkman! Slinkman!

[Awkward pause]

Slinkman: Reporting for duty, sir.

Lumpus: I thought I told you to order the Jelly Beans lights out!

Slinkman: I did sir, but they were scheduled for a shadow puppet show tonight.

[Lumpus clears his throat]

Lazlo, Raj, and Clam: Yay!

Lazlo: Now then, repeat after me: You are one with the lake!

Raj: I am one with the lake! I am stuck, like a salamander.

Almondine: I haven't taken my log for a walk in a long time.

Raj: [staring down the pool] It looks like a peanut!

Lazlo: Now, just take this wet sponge... [Raj gasps, then screams] Thimble of water... [Raj screams] Drop? [Raj screams] Molecule?

Raj: [screams, then stops] Wait! Which type of molecule?

Lazlo: Uh, water. [shows Raj a molecule]

[Raj then screams]

Parasitic Pal / It's No Picnic [1.04]

Lumpus: Attention, campers! Attention, campers! Five minutes until the start of the big...Buddy Day...swim finale. So, grab your...buddy and have a...good race! Yeah.

Lazlo: [delirious due to large amounts of blood being sucked from him by the leech] Oygawoygasoyoocha...gotta get to the lake...big RACE!

Lumpus: Slinkman, who is that scout?

Slinkman: Uh...Lazlo, Sir.

Lumpus: No, no, no...the fat one!

Slinkman: Uh...that's a leech, Sir. A sea lamprey, actually.

Lumpus: Oh...a sea lamprey? Well, see that Mr. Lamprey gets a uniform, will you?

Slinkman: Yes, Sir.

Skip: I can't see a gosh darn thing out of these goggles, can you see anything, Chip?

Edward: Do you imbeciles really need to be wearing your goggles before you get in the water?

Chip: I don't know, but I have my floaties!

Lazlo: Lamar wasn't a Lamar, he was a Lauren!

Lazlo: Okay guys! Time for dinner! [the baby leeches start sucking on Clam] Wow! What an appetite! You'll be on solid food in no time.

[The Jelly-Beans splashed into the mud puddle, only to find Nina and Gretchen]

Raj: [as his head is on top of Gretchen's head] We're not alone.

Gretchen: What are you doing here? [Raj slides off of her] Well?

Raj: Well what?

Raj: Look! Lazlo's still sitting!

Dave: Just like Napoleon!

Patsy: Did you do something to your hair, Lazlo?

The Weakest Link / Lumpy Treasure [1.05]

Raj: What are we going to do? I inflamed the map... [sobs hysterically] We will never find the rock! Never find water!...I'm already dizzy from dehydration.

Samson: That way!

Edward: That way!

[The night falls as Samson and Edward continue arguing about which way back to camp]

Samson: That way!

Edward: That way!

Samson: That way.

Edward: That way. [looks at his finger] You're probably right. It was that way.

Raj: Oh this is nice you guys are very civilized.

Clam: Like hot tub, like hot tub.

Big Hairy Mountain Man: Do you like Big Hairy Mountain Man massage?

Ping Pong: Who knew that bear would be attracted to the meat flavored lip balm in my pocket?

Dave: I wish we had that lip balm for breakfast.

Lumpus: [nervously to Commander Hoo-Hah] But my campers are right here... [points to a bunch of rag dolls with hats sitting on a log]

Timmy and Tommy: My treasure! What, my treasure? [strangles each other]

Tree Hugger / Marshmallow Jones [1.06]

[Lumpus and Slinkman are searching for the Migrating Mulberry Tree in the forest]

Lumpus: [sing song voice] Come out, come out, wherever you are.

[The Bean Scouts sneak up behind them]

Lazlo: Scoutmas-

[Both Lumpus and Slinkman screamed, even from the distance]

Lumpus: [angry] Lazlo, look what you've done. You scared it away!

Lazlo: Actually, we scared you which caused you to scare it away.

Slinkman: Uh, Sir, since it's the final one of its kind maybe you might not wanna chop the...

Lumpus: Slinkman, if you don't help me with this, I'll take away Mr. Squishy again.

[Slinkman's eyes retract]

Lumpus: [while posing as the tree, getting sleepy and crazy] All around the Mulberry tree, the moose chases the monkey.

Lazlo: Now repeat after me. I am a tree.

Lumpus: I am a tree.

Lazlo: Tree, tree, tree!

Lumpus: Tree, tree, tree.

Lazlo: Goodie for me!

Lumpus: Goodie for me.

Lazlo: Wait here.

Lumpus: Wait here.

Lazlo: [to Raj, who keeps eating some leftover marshmallows from his hat] Didn't you read the sign? There's a shortage. I thought we made a jelly cabin pact?

Clam: Jelly!

Lazlo: How can you keep eating marshmallows when you gave your word?

Raj: I thought we were marshmallow buddies!

Lazlo: [takes the marshmallows away from Raj] What about the Jelly Cabin pact?

Raj: [takes them back] Marshmallow Buddies!

Lazlo: [grabs it again] Jelly Cabin pact! [Raj eats a few marshmallows] Raj!

Raj: [points with his finger] Hey, what's that?

[Lazlo looks around as Raj grabs his hat back and continues eating marshmallows]

Raj: [to Lazlo while eating marshmallows] You failed to get your knot-tying badge 17 times, and you will most certainly not get one today.

[Raj eats Lazlo's marshmallow]

Lazlo: Did you steal my marshmallow?

Raj: [gasps] I am offended. I thought we were all marshmallow buddies. Well, I guess that I was wrong! [getting kicked out of the cabin] Fine! I do not need you!

Lazlo: [solemnly] We don't like doing this Raj. It's for your own good.

Raj: I do not need my own good! [Lazlo closes the door] Some marshmallow buddies you turned out to be!

[Both Lazlo and Clam are sad at this]

Raj: [finding the marshmallow machine at the cafeteria in Acorn Flats] It's a marshmallow machine! There must be ninety of the gooey little nuggets in there!

Nina: Patsy, I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't want to hear any more stories. I'm scared.

Almondine: Yeah. Can we just eat our marshmallows and turn in?

[Last lines; after Raj is freed from the sticky marshmallow by crying tears of joy]

Nina: Hey, look!

Gretchen: It's a couple of Bean Scouts crying.

Patsy: They probably saw the yeti and couldn't handle it.

Lazlo: For your info, yetis don't exist. And the only thing that makes a Bean scout cry is a chopped onion. If you see your yeti, tell him if you see any unicorns. [leaves with Raj and Clam]

Patsy: [annoyed, decides to return to their cabin] Come on, let's go. [but their feet are stuck on sticky marshmallow ground from Raj's tears] Oh, no! We're stuck!

[They scream from the distance as we see two yetis who are roasting marshmallows up on a hill]

Yeti 1: [hearing the girls screaming] Did you hear that, Carl? It sounds like campers! Oh, I'm scared!

Yeti 2: Campers are a myth, you yeti knucklehead! [Yeti 1's marshmallow drops to the ground] Uh, are you gonna eat that?

Dosey Doe / Prodigious Clamus [1.07]

Raj: What do you know about love, Lazlo?

Lazlo: Nothing.

Lumpus: [not knowing he was talking to Lazlo who enters] Oh, Slinkman, you're back. I'm sorry for kicking you out the window.

[As the bean scouts and squirrel scouts slow dance awkwardly with each other…]

Jane: So romantic.

Nina: [slow dancing with Raj; darkly] I know judo.

Amber: [slow dancing with Chip as he farts; disgusted] Eww!

Gretchen: [slow dancing with Clam as he gazes dreamily at her; annoyed] Wipe that grin off your face, creep, before I take it off myself.

Patsy: [fully impatient] All right, Lazlo, this dance is over! GET 'EM, SQUIRRELS!

Edward: Come on, Bean Scouts, we're not going to let a bunch of squirrels push us around. [gets grabbed by an angry Honey, who's preparing to attack him]

Raj: [to Nina] Do not listen to him! He does not speak for the rest of us! [Nina savagely grabs him by the neckerchief and starts strangling him] LAZLO!

Lazlo: [as all the squirrel scouts glare annoyingly at him for showing up late] What's goin' on, ladies?

Patsy: I'll tell you what's going on! This shindig…

Raj: Hoedown?

Clam: Hallabaloo?

Pasty: This whatever it is!

Lazlo: Are you talkin' about the dance?

[All the squirrel scouts growl angrily at him]

[After learning that one in 14 scouts is a genius and that there are 14 scouts in the camp]

Lumpus: That's it!

Slinkman: What's it?

Lumpus: This is my ticket outta here! I can finally say good bye to Camp Kidney... [changes the map of Camp Kidney to a world map] And hello to the world! All I have to do is find that one genius. I wonder who it is? [watches Clam outside from a window]

Clam: Apples! [bangs his head against the tree]

Lumpus: Well, we know who it's not.

[Clam puts puzzle pieces into his mouth, chews it, and spits it out]

Clam: Puzzle done! Back in box.

Clam: Painting done! [shows it to scoutmaster Lumpus]

Lumpus: Oh, yes. Very nice. [mumbles] Worst thing I've ever seen. [gives painting back to Clam as Lumpus walks away] When am I going to find my genius, Slinkman?

Clam: [turns over painting to reveal the Mona Lisa] Uhhh...painting done?

Lazlo: Ohh, Raj. I'm glad Clam is getting some recognition...

Raj: I recognize him. He is the short one with the big nose.

The Nothing Club / Loogie Llama [1.08]

Edward: Welcome to the Anti-Lazlo Club!

Float Trippers / The Wig of Why [1.09]

Lazlo: [singing] Oh...Roses are blue, and violets are to. Candy is so sweet but not as sweet as, well, actually it's also sticky just like your hair right after you comb it with your mom's comb that has sticky globs of hair spray and your cow lick gets all sticky and it won't go down and you look like a Sasquatch all day...I got the no-good lousy blues...Oh, the birds, they gotta swim, and fish, they gotta fly, Sometimes I feel like living, some times I wanna forget... All about having to leave camp and go back to school and have the teacher call on me when I don't know the answer 'cause she has some kind of radar that tells her when I don't have a clue and I'm gonna look like a dummy in front of the whole class until recess when I can scream and have fun again...And forget about the no-good lousy BLUES!

Edward: Boy I'd give the shirt off my back to see those losers in harms way. [Chip rips off Edward's shirt] Hey! What's the idea?!

Chip: See? [points the trio hanging over the waterfall]

Edward: [excitedly rips his pants off] Here, take my pants, too!

Edward: [after seeing Lazlo, Raj and Clam falling down the waterfall] Hooray! [seeing the trio coming out of the water] Whatever.

Chip and Skip: Hooray!

Edward: [grabs his shirt] Gimme my shirt back. [walks off]

Chip: [to Skip] Is he gonna take his pants back too?

Campers: [chanting] We want a prediction! We want a prediction! We want a prediction!

Lazlo: [snapping with agitation] ALL RIGHT!

Edward: Here comes the prediction, campers! [looks inside the wig with words that say...; in his mind] "Edward will smile for Lazlo?" Will smile...for Lazlo?

Skip: What does it say?

Samson: Yeah. [gets knocked over on his side by a throwing volleyball] Tell us what the prediction is.

Edward: [as his grin turns to a frown] Um...Nothing. Madame Lazlo is a fraud, a fake. You should all forget the whole thing ever happened. My face hurts.

Prickly Pining Dining / Camp Kidney Stinks [1.10]

Lazlo: Did you hear that? The soap dispensers makes a silly sound. It's a good thing we're behaving, or I'd be tempted to make it again!

Clam: Press it again.

Slinkman: Is everything okay, sir?

Lumpus: Yeah, we're good. [pushes the scouts to the exit] Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Slinkman: But, sir, you're forgetting...

Tarson: [to the customer] You call that a tip?! [saws the table in half with the chainsaw]

Turkey Maître D: [shocked and angry after seeing Lumpus, Slinkman and the scouts leaving the restaurant without paying] Well, my goodness! Have a nice [gobbles] day!

Samson: Merp. I miss Camp Kidney. Merp. I miss the other scouts. Why? Why? Why are my EYES burning up?! [sniffs and see the patch of stinkweeds] STINKWEEDS!

Slugfest / Beans and Weenies [1.11]

Lazlo: Well, how did it go?

Edward: Did you chicken out?

Slinkman: I can't go to Slugfest. I'm just too busy.

Edward: He chickened out.

Slinkman: Lazlo, I am not going anywhere.

[While Clam serves the campers mustard]

Edward: You'd expect me to eat a plate of plain mustard?

Clam: It has zing.

Edward: Here's your zing.

[The campers throw their plates of mustard at Clam]

Raj: Who would of thought that my buns could cause such excitement.

Lazlo: You have very nice buns, Raj.

Raj: Hot dogs do not even need mustard! It is disgusting!

Clam: Buns are disgusting! And boring!

Raj: You think buns are BORING!?! I will show you boring!

Raj: Does anyone even know what hot dogs are made of anyway?!

Chip: I'm suddenly feeling like pizza, what about you?

Lazlo: Hey, Clam. Are you hiding out here, too?

Clam: No, I was eating garbage.

Lazlo: [to the campers who want hot dogs] Well, we really appreciate it. But we have something more important to deal with right now: friendship.

Campers: [touched] Aw!

Edward: Yeah, but we can't eat friendship.

Raj: What are we made out of?

Clam: Stuff.

Raj: Stuff? What kind of stuff?

Clam: Stuff stuff.

Beans & Pranks / Movie Night [1.12]

Lumpus: I was once a bean scout too, you know.

Lazlo: Really?! [imagines a young Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Young Lumpus: That's "Loompus!" [kicks his scoutmaster in the shin]

Lazlo: Cute!

Raj: [using a happy buzzer on himself instead on someone else] This is marvelous! I'm like a hiccupping jumping bean!

Slinkman: Sir, we have a little problem.

Lumpus: Yeah, I know! Who let a monkey in the projector room?

Commander Hoo-Ha: Lumpus, for not following the rules, no more milky wilky for you...ever!

Lumpus: Pass the marshmallows please, Alvin.

Edward: Edward.

Lazlo: Hey, Edward! How was your movie night?

Edward: [mimicking Lazlo] "How was your movie night?" How was my movie night?! I'll tell you how it was! Can I tell you how I loathed it?! How I would have preferred sitting in a cow's stomach, watching grass being digested?!

Lazlo: Okay, maybe later!

The Big Cheese / Campers All Pull Pants [1.13]

[Lumpus is asking Slinkman what each of the campers were sent]

Lumpus: What about the Dung Beetles? What did they get?

[We see Chip and Skip eyeing something on the ground]

Slinkman: Ugh, [quivers] ...you don't want to know, sir.

Lazlo: But Scout Master Lumpus, we're supposed to have fun!

[Lumpus screams; Edward stares at him and says nothing]

Lazlo: [as Lumpus, posing as Larry, pushing him on the swing] Isn't this fun, Scoutmaster L-L-L-Larry?!

Clam: Larry!

Raj: L-L-L-L-Larry canary!

Lazlo: L-L-L-Larry underweary!

Clam: Larry!

Raj: Scout Master Lumpus, have you seen... [screams] MY CHEESE WHEEL!

Raj: So, you can just eat those spiny things and nothing will happen to you?

Lumpus: Well, I'll bloat a little... [bloats up like a balloon] ...after that you don't want to know what happens.

Lazlo: Don't forget to excuse me from pantsing.

Nurse Leslie: What? You can't get excuse from that. It's a camp thing.

Raj: [surprised when seeing Chip and Skip pantsed] Goodness gracious ...

Edward: [surprises Raj in order to get him pantsed] Whoops! Ok, [gets a checklist of his victims who are pantsed] let's see now. Raj, Chuck, Samson, Mort, Clam, Bill, Chip, Skip, Dave and Ping-Pong, Gordon, Fred, Norman, Milt. That leaves...Lazlo. [to the scouts] Alright, Beans, listen up, tell Lazlo his pants are as good as mine.

Bill: I lost everything! Nickels, dimes, and quarters! [weeping] The horror!

Edward: Hello, Lazlo.

Lazlo: Oh, hi, Edward.

Edward: You hiding from me?

Lazlo: Yeah, I just thought I could lay low here for a while until it flew ooo...Edward! [looks at map] Edward, what are you doing here?

Edward: I live here, you idiot. You know, [uses shrub buddy voice] shrub buddy.

Edward: [after stopping Lazlo from running and uses a shrub as a disguise] Hey, Lazlo.

Lazlo: What? Who's there?

Edward: It's me, the shrub, your buddy.

Lazlo: My shrub buddy?

Edward: Yeah, that's it, shrub buddy. I hear you have some worries about getting pantsed.

Lazlo: Uh, yeah?

Edward: Yeah, well, I thought so. I'm willing to help you out.

Lazlo: You're a shrub.

Edward: Yeah, I know. Your shrub buddy. [reveals a map] Here, check this out. This is a map to a secret hideaway where you can lay low for a couple of days. But I'm not even sure I'm gonna give it to you.

Lazlo: Oh, please, can I have it? Oh, please! Oh, please!

Edward: Well, okay, but don't tell anybody.

Lazlo: Shrub buddy, you're the best buddy in the whole world.

Edward: Yeah, yeah, sure, Lazlo.

Season 2

Hallobeanies / Meatman [2.01]

Lazlo: [turning the lights on and off] Ooh! Spooky! Very Halloweeny!

Raj: [hiding under the bed] Lazlo, don't you think we should have gone home with the other bean scouts?

Lazlo: [walks over to the bed] What? And miss out on spending Halloween at Camp Kidney and Prickley Pines? They don't know what they're missing.

Raj: What exactly are they missing?

Lazlo: Only the chance to dress up in scary costumes and march through the woods from house to house, walking up to the porch with the winds a-howling... [whips the blanket off of Raj, waves it, and imitates the sound of wind blowing. He wraps it around his body like a cape] Knocking on the door and reciting the three magic words.

Raj: M-M-Magic words?

Lazlo: [flashes at Raj] Trick or treat!

Clam: [pops his head out of a traffic cone] Trick or treat!

Raj: Then what? Then what?

Lazlo: Then they give us candy.

Raj: [whimpers, then stops] Candy?

Lazlo: All-you-can-eat gumdrops, Sugar Smithies, Frosted Fizzies, caramel apples, and chocolate bunnies.

Raj: [confused] Chocolate bunnies?

Lazlo: Halloween bunnies.

Raj: Oh, I love Halloween bunnies!

Lazlo: But you must believe in Halloween. For those who don't believe will get tormented by the curse of the Halloween Spirit!

Raj: What does the curse look like?

Lazlo: Like a scary monster or something.

Raj: Oh. I do believe!

Clam: Belief!

No Beads, No Business / Miss Fru Fru [2.02]

Gretchen: Wow! I can't believe we did it.

Nina: I can't believe we accomplished everything on our list of things to do for the perfect Squirrel Scout day.

Patsy: I sure am glad that we decided to save the best thing on the list for last… snail bathing. [giggles]

Nina: But it pales in comparison to the thrills and spills of hornet racing, I'm still tingling from that exciting fifth place.

Gretchen: I think scummy dipping was best thing on the perfect day list. I do so love swimming in a good puddle of pond muck.

[The squirrel scouts are all wearing fancy Fru Fru dresses, while Patsy, Nina, and Gretchen only grumble in annoyance]

Jane: Don't you ladies look Fru Fru in those lovely dresses? Okey-dokey. The public speaking portion of the Miss Fru Fru pageant will teach you to speak with authority. [volunteers Gretchen] Gretchen will demonstrate!

[Patsy and Nina both giggle as Gretchen grumbles in annoyance before Jane Doe gives her a poem]

Gretchen: [clears throat] This is a tree poem by, um, Heimlich McMuseli.

Jane: [claps excitedly] Oh, that's a good one, Gretchen!

Gretchen: [looks at Patsy and Nina, both snickering at her; growls before beginning to speak] Ahem. O tree, O tree O tree, O tree. [starts losing her temper as her friends snicker more] O free the Lea the Lea! [Pasty and Nina finally burst out, laughing; finally loses her temper] THAT'S IT! [screams in rage as she rips off her dress and chases after them before they climb into a tree; violently tries to chop it down with an axe]

Patsy: Oh, I feel kind of bad for Miss Doe. She really had her heart set on this Fru Fru thing.

Gretchen: What does "Fru Fru" mean, anyway?

Patsy: Well, why don't we go look it up? Come on! [later in the cabin, she and her friends are searching the word of "Fru Fru" in the dictionary] All right, let's see. "Phish… Phrank." [finds the word "Phru Phru" (that starts with "Ph")] Aha! "Phru Phru: Refers to the mysterious ceremony in which some primitive tribes believe they are given the ability to fly." [puzzled] Ability to fly? Oh, that's weird.

Nina: [realizes] Wait a minute! Don't you girls remember the Fru Fru motto?

Girls: "Be true to the Fru Fru spirit we adore and your heart will soar forever more."

Patsy: Soar! She was telling us that we would fly! That's why she wanted us to do all that dumb girly stuff.

Gretchen: So we could be given the ability to fly?

Almondine: I think I'd like to be given the ability to fly.

Parent's Day / Club Kidney-Ki [2.03]

Lumpus: You want me to blow your mind?! Because I'll blow your mind! I LIED!

Lumpus: I love you Raj!

Raj: Yeah Yeah ditto. Let's just do this.

Lumpus: I despise you, Lazlo.

Lazlo: I love you, Scoutmaster Lumpus!

Lumpus: I despise you, Lazlo.

Lazlo: I love you, Scoutmaster Lumpus!

Lumpus: I despise you, Lazlo.

Lazlo: I love you, Scoutmaster Lumpus!

Handy Helper / Love Sick [2.04]

Lumpus: What badge am I missing?

Slinkman: The Handy Helper badge.

Lumpus: And that means to earn that badge, I'll have to ...

Slinkman: Help someone.

Lumpus: Help someone?! [screams] NO!

Slinkman: What are you doing, sir?

Lumpus: I'm simply too valuable to waste away at this miserable excuse for a camp. The real world needs someone with my can-do spirit, my intellect.

Slinkman: But, sir, why leave when you could just stay, earn your badge, and be done with it?

Lumpus: Because the man know the real world doesn't need badges or Grand Legume, Slinkman.

Lumpus: Goodbye, Camp Kidney, you old pile of logs. Real world, here I- [runs over by a truck]

Slinkman: Sir!

Lumpus: Just one of the hazards of the real world, Slinkman. Here, a man must pick himself up and- [runs over by an ice cream truck]

Slinkman: Sir, it wouldn't be easier to just earn the badge?

Lumpus: Easier? Yes, Slinkman, but not a man in the real world would do. [runs over by a car]

Slinkman: Yes, but I wonder if you were cut out for the real world, sir.

Lumpus: Cut out for it? Why, tailor made is more like- [runs over by a moped] Ow! That one actually hurt a little.

Slinkman: Please, reconsider, sir. But... [looks back as Lumpus was run over by objects from the real world]

Lumpus: [after getting hit multiple times] Slinkman.

Slinkman: Sir?

Lumpus: Okay, who I gotta help?

[Raj has prepared a special tea for Clam]

Raj: Careful, Lazlo.

Lazlo: [spills some tea] Oops.

Raj: Don't spill it!

[The tea eats a hole on the floor]

Lazlo: Wow! It's like magma from the Earth's core.

Raj: More powerful than that. You must be quite mindful.

Lazlo: Love sickness, love sickness, fly away home. Love sickness, love sickness, leave Clam alone.

Clam: Clam and Gretchen forever.

Gretchen: Oh, no. No, no, no. Clam and Gretchen not forever!

Gretchen: What are you looking at, runt? [walks away] I thought I told you to get lost!

Clam: Get lost yourself! [looks back, smiling] Thanks, Lazlo.

Hello Dolly / Over Cooked Beans [2.05]

Edward: [seeing that Veronica was gone] NO!

[Edward's scream was heard in the camp, including The Jelly Beans staring at a pinecone]

Lazlo: YES!

Raj: I'll take care of the marshmallows if you take care of the of the pickles.

Clam: Toothpicks! [opens mouth and shows toothpicks in his mouth]

Edward: Oh, and Lazlo?

Lazlo: Yes, Edward?

Edward: Than...clean up this mess, you loser!

[A square-shaped object appears from the sky]

Lazlo: Do you see what I see?

Raj: A giant drop of rain fallen straight for us!

Clam: Splash!

Raj: The scoutmaster has granted our... [as the object falls closer and closer] ...that's NO RAINDROP!

Lazlo, Raj and Clam: LOOK OUT!

[Lazlo, Raj, and Clam looked, it was an air conditioner landed on a pile of laundry bags]

Edward: Hey, when did those Jelly Cabin dweebs get an air conditioner? I'm the hottest camper in camp!

The Battle of Pimpleback Mountain / Dead Bean Drop [2.06]

Lazlo: Scoutmaster Lumpus, I think I broke my leg!

Lumpus: We'll cut it off later!

Raj: Scoutmaster Lumpus, I need some advice.

Lumpus: Here's some advice, cut the funny accent. [Clam is about to say something] Press it!

[Scoutmaster Lumpus and the Bean Scouts gather in the forest]

Lumpus: Today, we take part in the time-honored tradition of placing relics of today into time capsules to be opened by future generations of tomorrow. What do you got?

Ignatious: [holds an alarm clock in his hands] Time for the time capsule! [places it in the capsule]

Lumpus: Next! [screams when he sees Wilbert with big red lips] Bee sting?

Wilbert: [removes the lips, revealing they were actually wax lips] Wax lips.

Lumpus: [smacks his forehead and groans] Next!

[Wilbert puts the wax lips in the time capsule. The Dung Beetles are inside]

Dung Beetles: We're ready!

Chip: For the future!

Lumpus: Next.

Lazlo: [arrives] Hey, Scoutmaster Lumpus.

Lumpus: What is it, kid?

Lazlo: Did you have a time capsule back when you went to Camp Kidney?

Lumpus: [flatly] Mmm-hmm.

Lazlo: Wow! So what did you put in it?

Lumpus: My youth.

Lazlo: How 'bout you, Slinkman?

Raj: What did you put in it?

Clam: Slinkman put in?

[The other scouts agree]

I've Never Bean in a Sub / The Great Snipe Hunt [2.07]

Old Turtle: Still the champ! Still the champ!

Patsy: He's dreamy...

Ms. Mucus: He's putting us out of business!

Edward: Our own sub?

Lazlo: Here you go. [hands Edward a sub sandwich]

Edward: Submarine sandwiches. Ooh, I'm losing with pride.

Samson: I heard about these kinds of things. The insane Scoutmaster takes his troupe out to the woods, uh, there's an axe, and a pile of bones, and, and some marbles, and a bag of cereal! And all they find is an eyebrow!

[Lumpus glares at Samson, now wearing a huge bushy monobrow]

Burpless Bean / Slap Happy [2.08]

Campers: Ooga ooga eega eega aah! [slap]

Snow Beans / Irreconcilable Dungferences [2.09]

Lazlo: [repeated line] Pizza, French fry!

Lemmings: [searching for Lumpus and Lazlo while skiing] Scoutmaster Lumpus?! Lazlo?! Scoutmaster Lumpus?! [crash into a tree]

Mascot Madness / Tomato Paste [2.10]

Commander Hoo-Ha: Tomato scouts don't cry!

Camp Samson / Beany Weenies [2.11]

Dave: Sorry, Samson. Guess we didn't see you there.

Samson: Didn't see me?

Ping Pong: Yeah. Sometimes you kind of blend in with the background.

Lazlo: Hey, it's Samson.

Samson: Yes, it's Samson, so nice of you to remember! [cries]

Ping Pong: No problem, roomie.

Samson: [agitated] I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!

Edward: The only thing we all want to forget…is you!

There's No Place Like Gnome / Hot Spring Fever [2.12]

Edward: I would rather read the phone book than to hear about [in sarcastic voice] magical wood gnomes! [Lazlo is seen smiling] But you're gonna tell us anyway?

[Lazlo nods his head]

Edward: Dingle Dinglehopper...

Edward: [to Slinkman] How am I gonna explain this to my mother?!

Slinkman: Well, there is a way, but it is very difficult.

Edward: Everything with mother is difficult.

Lazlo: Edward! I'm sorry I got this all wrong, buddy!

Edward: Wait, don't go! I don't wanna get eaten! [clings to Slinkman; crying] My final moments are going to be spent in the mouths of pink-cheeked, bearded, miniature mutants, who inspired hideous lawn ornaments!

Hello Summer, Goodbye Camp [2.13]

[Everyone is singing the Camp Kidney Anthem]

Lazlo: By the wondrous Leaky waters,

Samson: And Great Mount White Head,

Campers: Stands the pretty good Camp Kidney,

Not too bad, all said!

Chip and Skip: Not the cleanest, not the smartest,

Raj: Not the best are we,

Clam: But!

Slinkman: Proud to be the second best camp,

Campers: Here on Lake Leaky!

Give us flea infested blankets,

Cabins that are old,

Loudspeakers that pop and garble,

Showers full of mold! (Hi, showers!)

Healthy food and giant head lice,

They will never break

The spirit of our Kidney Campers

Here on Leaky Lake!

Edward: I know this sounds crazy but I had a dream last night that told me to gather everyone at the gate and then I will get what I most desire, I hope it's a voodoo drum!

Lazlo: Here you go pal, use my neckerchief. I won't need it anymore.

Raj: Lazlo, there is something written on the inside of your neckerchief.

Lazlo: Oh yeah, that was there...when I first got it.

Raj: Let me take to my heart, Camp Kidney, a wonderland where summer runs free...

Lazlo: ...where I laughed and I played while my good parents paid to let their child come of age and be me.

Raj: [laughs] Steaming saffron! Who wrote that hokey baloony!?

Big Bean: [crying] I did.

Clam: Oblivion!

Season 3

7 Deadly Sandwiches [3.01]

Lumpus: A ROCK?!

The Big Weigh In / Hard Days Samson [3.02]

Slinkman: How do you feel now, sir?

Lumpus: How do I feel? [jumps onto the table and dances] More importantly, how do I look?

Chef McMuseli: Why, you look thinner already.

Lumpus: Yeah, heh, heh-- what?

Chef McMuseli: The McMuseli low-cal fat-free food-free weight-loss meal plan never fails to shed…

Lumpus: [grabs him by the shoulders; savagely] YOU PSYCHOTIC SALAD SPINNER!

Chef McMuseli: Pounds.

Lumpus: I'm trying to gain weight!

Chef McMuseli: Gain weight?! I can't handle such insanity! He is not of this world!

Lumpus: [frantically] I got to get some real food! I got to get out of here!

Nina: [squeals] The new issue of "Dreamboat" magazine! [gasps] With Hanly Manster on the cover! He's so gorgeous.

Pasty: And generous! He adopts underprivileged baby ponies.

Gretchen: [dreamily] I'd like to put him in a cage and keep him on my nightstand… forever.

Pasty: [sighs dreamily] I wish he were here with us right now.

Samson: Well, if you gals are all set, I'm gonna get a move on.

Nina: Thanks for the magazine. [gasps]

Pasty: What's the matter, Ni- [gasps]

Gretchen: You girls sound like a couple of… [gasps]

Nina: He looks just like Hanly Manster! [compares the magazine with Hanly Manster on the cover and Samson, seeing that they're both alike]

[The Squirrel Scouts imagine Samson as Hanly Manster and all sigh dreamily]

Samson: Well, [chuckles] I'm off. The road's a harsh mistress, and she waits for no one. [starts to pedal away back to Camp Kidney, but the girls block his way]

Pasty: What's your hurry, Manly… I mean, Samson?

Samson: [nervously] What? Well, uh…

Nina: Why don't you stick around a while?

Samson: [returns to camp and to his cabin after getting battered by the Squirrel Scouts] That was really strange. [hears voices and peeks inside his cabin, seeing the Squirrel Scouts already in there and looking around]

Amber: Look! His pillow!

Nina: That's where he lays his sweet, sweet head.

Gretchen: I found his socks!

Almondine: I found his tissues!

Patsy: I found his dandruff!

Gretchen: Let me have some!

Patsy: Get your own!

Gretchen: I said, give me some of that Samson dander!

Nina: [points to Samson outside the cabin door] Look!

Gretchen: It's him!

Girls: [dreamily] Hi, Samson.

Samson: Hello.

Pasty: Can we do anything for you?

Samson: Can you put my dandruff back where you found it?

[The Jellies find Samson hiding in a tray of potato salad]

Lazlo: Samson, what are you doing in there?

Samson: Hiding from the Squirrel Scouts! Please let me stay! I beg you!

Lazlo: Why are you hiding from the Squirrel Scouts?

Samson: [holds up the "Dreamboat" magazine] They think I look like some hunky heartthrob named Hanly Manster.

Lazlo: [looks closely at the magazine] Hanly Manster?

[The sound of Squirrel Scouts screaming excitedly is heard]

Samson: Oh, now you've done it!

Lazlo: Samson, you can't hide in there forever. What will you eat?

Samson: Potato salad?

Lazlo: [pulls Samson out of the tray] Come on, you. We'll help you figure a way out of this mess.

[The Jellies and Samson are hiding in the Jelly Bean cabin after the Squirrel Scouts have been chasing Samson around all day]

Raj: No matter where we hide, the Squirrel Scouts always find us!

Lazlo: They won't find us in here, Raj.

Raj: [gasps fearfully when he hears a squealing sound, believing it's them] (Oh, no!) Here they come!

Samson: That's just my deviated septum. It's not so loud if I breathe through my mouth.

Girls: Hi, Samson!

[The Jellies and Samson all scream in terror and back away as the Squirrel Scouts come closer to them]

Raj: I'm sorry, Samson! I didn't sign up for this! [uses Clam as a drill and they both fall in a hole, escaping the cabin]

Clam: Run away!

Lazlo: [as Raj and Clam crawl out from under the cabin] Raj? Clam? You slipped the magazine under the door.

Raj: Guilty. It's amazing what you can do with tape, scissors, and a picture of Edward. [holds up the new issue of "Dreamboat" with a picture of Edward tapped on it]

Edward: [off-screen, while the Squirrel Scouts chase him down] NO!!!!

Lazlo: Whoa! Poor Edward.

Samson: I'd hate to be that guy.

Waiting for Edward / Beans in Toyland [3.03]

Slinkman: [on the intercom] Attention, campers. The department of forestry has reminded us once again to stop hitting our heads against boulders.

Chip: [to Skip] There's that voice again.

Slinkman: [on the intercom] On a similar note, the fish and game department has informed us that it's not wise to play This Little Piggy with the sleeping bears.

Bear: [appears out of nowhere, squashing Slinkman] GAH!!! NO MORE LITTLE PIGGY! NO MORE LITTLE PIGGY, PLEASE! [runs off screaming]

Chip: That is one smart bear.

[The next morning, all the campers are in their jammies]

Raj: [to Lazlo] Why would Slinkman want to call us this very morning? [sees Slinkman in his full body cast in the wheelchair, looking very annoyed] Uh-oh.

Slinkman: Listen up, campers. Due to our mishap yesterday involving...Well, I won't mention any names, but their initials are...CHIP AND SKIP!!!

Chip and Skip: Hooray!

Chip: He said our initials!

Slinkman: We are reinstating the rule that all cabin leaders are responsible for their bunk mates. That means keep them from hurting themselves or others.

Edward: Wait a minute. What does that mean, babysitting?

Slinkman: In your case, Edward, it means dung-sitting, 24/7.

Edward: WHAT?!?!

Chip: Edward's gonna dung-sit?

Skip: Does that mean he can sit on us?

Edward: [desperately] No! [grabbing Slikman, causing him to fall down] I don't want to be a dung-sitter! I beg you! You can't do that to me!

Slinkman: I'm sorry, Edward, it's new...camp...policy! [shoves Edward off him with his feet and onto Chip and Skip]

Chip: Hey, Edward, are you gonna sit on us for a while?

Skip: I don't know if you wanna do that. We just had beans.

Edward: [sulking grumpily to himself] I hate my life.

Norman: A question; What's 20 billion times katillion?

Skip: 480 lumpillion.

Bean Scouts: Wow!

Ping-Pong: Tell me, how many tubes of toothpaste will I use in a lifetime?

Chip: You haven't finished your first one.

Ping-Pong: They're totally right! [his tooth falls out]

Lazlo: Professors, in your educated opinion, do you believe our sun will be a future habitat for Lava People

Skip: Well, actually Lazlo, in five billion years, our sun will be a Red Giant, engulfing three planets in our solar system, after which it will go supernova.

Edward: [looking at a brown, muddy blob] What is it?

Chip: A computer.

Skip: We made it out of twigs and mud.

Computer: The current operator is not smart enough to run this computer.

Where's Clam / Bowling for Dinosaurs [3.04]

Raj: Eeh! This wood is hurting me. Eeh! I think i'm getting a callus! EEEH!

Lazlo: Well, I guess that leaves more for us then.

Raj: Um...I think I'm late for my yoga lesson, Lazlo.

Clam: Yoga.

Lazlo: Oh well, I will save them some.

Squirrel Seats / Creepy Crawly Campy [3.05]

Samson: Why, Edward? Why?

Edward: I don't know, Samson. All I know is that "girls" shouldn't be allowed on our bus.

Samson: [weakly] Hold me.

Patsy: Oh Lazlo! [giggles]

Raj: [annoyed] What is it, Patsy, for the 20th time?

Patsy: Never mind. [she, Nina, and Gretchen giggle]

Raj: Tsk, Tsk, Tsk. Those girls are nothing well.

Clam: Ding-dongs.

Samson: A girl on our side of the bus. As the sun slowly sets on my childhood, the dark suffocates me into adolescence.

Sweet Dream Baby / Dirt Nappers [3.06]

Samson: [thinking to himself; worried] Oh, this is terrible! What should I do?

Samson's Shoulder Angel: Tell the truth, Samson. You'll feel better.

Samson's Shoulder Devil: No, don't! They'll all hate you. I…I…

Samson's Shoulder Angel: What's wrong?

Samson's Shoulder Devil: The shoulder's so filthy.

Patsy: You're not getting your dirt back!

Samson: Well, we don't want it back. Now that it's being stuck to your ugly faces!

[The girls gasp in shock]

Patsy: [outraged] What did you say?!

Samson: You heard me! Ugly! You Squirrel Scouts are the ugliest creeps... [gets mud thrown into his face and mouth, then spits it out] I got some! I got some! Your faces, uh... look like a sour, pot-bellied sow on Sour-Pot-Bellied-Sows-Are-Ugly Day!

Samson: Hey, ladies! You know what I think? You've got POOR FASHION SENSE!

Spacemates / Temper Tee Pee [3.07]

Edward: [as his anger surrounds his heart once again; to Gretchen] You stole my happy...YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT, SISTER!

Lazlo Loves a Parade / Are You There S.M.I.T.S? It's Me Samson [3.08]

Mayor Pothole McPhucker: Well done! First place! First place! Brilliant! Just look at that face! [the photo of Lumpus] Just look at that thing protruding... [the meaning statue of Piercely R. Prickly]

Raj: Are you sure it's okay to steal all this stuff?

Lazlo: It's not stealing, Raj, it's borrowing and besides we'll leave an I.O.U for them in case they're wondering where it is.

Samson: Merciful merp! [begins having a meltdown; agitated] How am I supposed to get to the store?! [crawls on his bed sadly] Merp. If I get beaten by one more ball I'll go insane! [starts crying]

Harold: [showing a photo to Dave] There she is.

Dave: Wow. She's beautiful.

Samson: Let me see that. [takes the photo out of Harold's hand] I've seen better. [stuffs the photo in his pocket] I'll keep it anyway.

Harold: But that was a picture of my mom.

[Next morning, as Samson runs out of his cabin to get back his pillows, he finds himself trapped in a circle of the other angry bean scouts, all holding pillows, preparing to get their revenge on him]

Edward: You're not going anywhere, pillow boy! Not until we all give you, a little taste, of some pillows!

Tusk Wizard / Squirrel Scout Slinkman [3.09]

Milt: Watch those tusks!

Harold: Sorry.

Milt: You're hanging out with Raj, now.

Larrison: You just jumped a whole level.

Lumpus: It's not fair but I don't care.

Slinkman: [saw Lumpus reflection at the rock] Oh my gosh. I've...I've become Lumpus.

Bear-l-y a Vacation / Radio Free Edward [3.10]

[First lines]

Lazlo: Hey Raj?

Raj: Yes lazlo?

Lazlo: How many times can you hop up and down?

Raj: Well, my legs ARE tremendously strong so I will have to say...eleven thousand times.

Lazlo: Yeah that sounds about right. How 'bout you Clam?

Clam: Four.

Lazlo: Four?

Raj: No way!

Clam: Four.

[Nurse Leslie couldn't stand hearing that waiting room music]

Nurse Leslie: [crying] Don't judge me for crying fellas. DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!!! Wahhahah!

Lazlo: I think someone needs a vacation.

Nurse Leslie: Vacation? What's a...vacation?

Lazlo: You don't even know what a vacation is? [drops mouth open in surprise]

Raj: Come on, Lazlo. Maybe Nurse Leslie comes from Europe where vacations are known as holidays.

Nurse Leslie: Look, you idiots, I know what a vacation is. I just never had one.

Lazlo: Well, everyone can have a vacation. Including you.

Nurse Leslie: Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to Scoutmaster Lumpus.

Lazlo: [calling out] Scoutmaster Lumpus?!

Lumpus: [relaxing on the beach chair] What?!

Lazlo: Can Nurse Leslie take vacation?!

Lumpus: [surprised] We have a nurse?

Lazlo: [to Nurse Leslie] See? It'll be fine.

Nurse Leslie: I told you build a stretcher.

Edward: Noise pollution is not cool.

Freddie: Now, I'm going to open up the request lines. [phone rings] Hello? And what would you like to hear tonight?

Lumpus: Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

Freddie: You got it, baby. Here it is. "Turn Off That Racket, You're Driving Me Crazy." [puts on the song]

[The 1950's rock n roll music plays]

Singer: [singing]

Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

You're yap-yap-yapping, but you're not saying much!

You're flip-flappy-flapping, think I'm losing touch!

Like a train in my brain, that's the nation of pain!

Like a henhouse squawking or the clyde horse talking?!

Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

You're yap-yap-yapping, but you're not saying much!

You're flip-flappy-flapping, think I'm losing touch!

Camper: Edward? Will you sign my omelet?

Samson: Is there gonna be another yeti attack tonight? Cause, I got to get to sleep soon.

Edward: Well, let's just say, [shoves his beak into the tin can phone, creating an ominous echoed sound effect] stay tuned! [takes his beak out of the tin can and snickers]

Edward: Oops! Another concerned camper? [answers the tin can phone] Yes, hello, don't worry about- [a yeti roars down the phone at him, sending his fur flying. He notices his sound effects record isn't playing] Wha...? [starts stammering and trembling] Scoutmaster Lumpus? Was that you...? [hears growling and snarling at the door and all his fur stands on end] I th-thought I told you guys...n-not to come up here! [the frightened platypus now sees hairy hands at the window] MOTHER OF MERCY!!! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY YETIS!!!

Edward: [over the radio] They're getting closer! This isn't a stunt! Call the coast guard!

[Chip and Skip begin crying]

Samson: [enters their cabin] Hey, guys! Chip! Skip! Come on, you two! We're gonna go watch Edward getting eaten by yetis!

Chip and Skip: Cool!

Lazlo: Come on! Hurry!

Clam: [while carrying Raj] Save Edward! Save Edward!

Dave: Where you going?

Raj: Radio station.

Clam: Save Edward.

Dave: [to Ping Pong] Want to watch Edward get eaten by yetis?

Ping Pong: It beats sitting here.

Edward: [still freaking out] Help! I lied about last night! This is real now! [voice cowering] This has been...Edward...After Dark. [screams as the yetis enter]

[The campers arrived too late as the lights of the radio station went out]

Raj: Are we too late?

Lazlo: [solemnly] Yes, Raj.

Raj: [to Clam] Can you put me down now?

[Clam puts Raj down]

Chip: [holding a radio] Goodbye, Edward.

British Yeti 1: And this one goes out to that little platypus chap cowering in the corner.

Valentine's Day / A Job Well Dung [3.11]

Commander Hoo-Ha: Now, I know what you're all asking yourselves why did Hoo-Ha bring his daughter here, hmm? The answer is simple: I have decided that she is at proper age to know what a boy is.

Patsy: Daddy, I know what a boy is...

Commander Hoo-Ha: Dup-dup-dup-dup! [picks Lazlo up] This, pumpkin, is a boy.

Patsy: Hi, Lazlo!

Lazlo: Ahem. Hoo-Ha's your dad?

Patsy: Duh!

Commander Hoo-Ha: No fraternizing with my pumpkin! Fraternizing leads to liking. And if a boy wants to like my Pumpkin [puts his hands next to both sides of Patsy's eyes], not just like, I mean like like, WHO COULD SAY WHAT I'D DO?! [blows his top in anger, which flies in front of the Beans and catches fire and disappears] Well I don't have to worry about that, do I? Isn't that right?!

[Slinkman, Edward, Raj and Clam shake in fear]

Samson: You really have to beat me up?

Lumpus: My old cabin could sure use an upgrade. Dum-dum, dum-dum, DUUMM. [destroys the old cabin model to show the upgrade model] Oh, the official scoutmaster upgrade? Well yes of course I know I deserve it for keeping my temper and Roman quota for three years and running. [Slinkman knocks the door as he hide models] What?! [Chip and Skip are crying] Slinkman. Why are they weeping?

Slinkman: Because Skip and Chip’s camp dues haven't been paid up in months. I have no choice but to send them home to their three nannies [throws backwards the notebook] it’s scout regulations.

Chip: We love camp. [crying]

Skip: We don't want to go home. [crying]

Lumpus: [worried] Home? Slinkman. We can't send them home. [angry] If we do it will ruin my hill Roman streak. [getting worried] And I won't get my cabin upgrade.

Slinkman: Officially, the only way they can stay is if they have jobs, here in camp to pay off what they owe.

Lumpus: [being happy] YES JOBS! Problem solved.

Slinkman: Chef Mcmuesli, I'm assigning Chip and Skip here to work for the mess hall.

Chef Mcmuesli: Oh alrighty then boys let's get to work you'll put these hair nets. So what I'd like for you guys to do is... [notices that their hair nets are mainly wrong]

Skip: I saw a firetruck.

Skip: What do you recommend? [Chip fills all the tray from rice] It needs something. [thinks what needs, meanwhile a fly dies by the insects killer and falls into the tray. he soon speaks to Chip] You’re a genius [although the dead fly do this]

Lazlo: Ugh... [walks backwards disgustedly]

Raj: I'm not hungry anymore.

Clam: We might throw up.

[The Jelly beans run away from the mess hall]

Lumpus: [annoyed] OH, I'LL TAKE THAT! [chews the tray and throws up off-screen]

Nurse Leslie: [Lumpus gets in crying] Are you hurt, Scoutmaster?

Lumpus: [sadly] Paper cut!

Nurse Leslie: Where? [the phone rings] Huh, there goes the phone. You boys can bandage him up, right? [Lumpus sounds like a hurted puppy dog] You'll be fine. [speaking to the phone] Look how many times do I have to tell you mechanics what to do with my car? I'm going to take you through it step by step for the last time so listen up.

Chip: Hey Nurse Leslie, we bandaged him. What else should we do?

Nurse Leslie: Step one: open the hood.

Chip: Open the hood. [Chip and Skip hurting Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Nurse Leslie: Then lift the engine.

Chip: Lift the engine. [staying hurting Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Nurse Leslie: Now remove and reattach the hose. [Lumpus screams and runs away in panic, because Chip and Skip did too bad] Get out.

Lumpus: FLIP AND DIP!

Chip and Skip: Yeah?

Lumpus: MOVE THAT MOUNTAIN!

Chip and Skip: Yes, Sir.

Slinkman: [pointing Lumpus] Really, all this for a cabin upgrade.

[Lumpus laughs evilly, meanwhile Chip and Skip move and knock down to the mountains like a line of dominoes' tokens]

Lumpus: [screams and tries to leave but the last mountain squashes Lumpus] Ow!

The Bean Tree / Taking Care of Gretchen [3.12]

Lazlo: [wearing Lumpus's scoutmaster hat] I've always wanted to wear this!

Lumpus: I don't look like that.

[Last lines]

Raj: [to Lazlo] Scoutmaster Lazlo?

Lazlo: Yes, Raj?

Raj: Um, my cabin's on fire.

Lazlo: Oh, I'm not the scoutmaster anymore, Scoutmaster Lumpus is now. He's not leaving.

Raj: Ohhh... [moves over to Lumpus] "Scoutmaster Lumpus, my cabin's on fire. [the camera zooms out to show camp on fire] Scoutmaster Lumpus, there's fire on your shoe.

[Edward and Gretchen are getting into a heated argument while they and the other bean and squirrel scouts get ice cream from the ice cream truck]

Gretchen: Mine is the best!

Edward: No, mine is the best!

Gretchen: Oh, yeah?!

Edward: Yeah!

Gretchen: Listen, platypus. Frostbite Pops are the best and you know it!

Edward: If you brought your head out of the swamp, you would know that Sputnik Cosmopops are 33 and a third times better your garbage on a stick!

Gretchen: Drill Pops!

Edward: Cosmo Pops!

Lazlo: Isn't great how Gretchen and Edward debate every time we get a visit from the ice cream truck?

Raj: Really...great.

Clam: Dumb argument.

Edward: [firmly] She starts at every time!

Gretchen: [enraged with her face all red] Lazlo! [grabs him by the shirt with both hands and pulls him into her face; vengefully] I'm gonna get you, if it's the last thing I do.

Lazlo: You're gonna get me? What does that mean?

Gretchen: Oh, I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

[Lazlo seeing Edward taking out the bazooka and aims at Gretchen]

Lazlo: Gretchen, look out! [bursts into the restaurant] GRETCHEN!!! [Edward opens fire] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! [gets hit, and reveals that he's wearing the "I'm a Jerk" t-shirt]

[Last lines]

Lazlo: I'm just glad that no one got hurt.

Edward: [walks, slams into a pole, and falls onto the ground] I'm hurt!

Scoop of the Century / Boxing Edward [3.13]

Lazlo: Oh, boy! The latest issue of "The Weakly Bean." "How to deal with tetherball anxiety." Wow! This is really gonna help my game.

Dave: Lazlo, you read "The Weakly Bean?"

Lazlo: Every issue.

Ping-Pong: Do you do the trivia challenge?

Lazlo: Oh, I just love the trivia challenge!

Dave: Then how come you never send in your answers?

Lazlo: Well, I figured I'd let someone else have a shot at winning.

Dave: Well, you don't have to worry about that because no one else reads it! [hugs Ping-Pong, weeping and sobbing]

Dave: Yes?

Lumpus: Hello, there. I need some newspaper for the bottom of my birdcage. The latest issue of The Bean!, perhaps.

Dave: Your bird isn't even alive!

Ted: HELP! HELP! My inflatable "Puffy the Pouffy Pony" is loose and floating out with the current! Help! Save Puffy!

Lazlo: [to Lumpus (disguised as Scooter)] Scooter, I think the perfect last test for you would be to swim out and retrieve Puffy the Pouffy Pony for um… uh…

Ted: [points to his name tag] Ted.

Lazlo: …For Ted here.

Lumpus: [in disguise] That's all I have to do? Get Puffy the Pimple-Popper, or whatever he is, and then I can peruse the paper?

[Last lines]

Lumpus: I'm going to brush my teeth. [walks towards his cabin]

Edward: [to the campers] Do you think we should tell him who's toothbrush he used to clean the latrine?

[Dave and Ping-Pong hold up newspaper gear and smile]

Edward: [to the Jelly Beans] It was you! You were the one that messed up Camp Kidney with your sunflowers! You've changed all the shower heads! The flagpole! And I don't want to say what you did with Slinkman!

[Cut to Slinkman wearing sunflower petals around his eyes]

Edward: [packing his suitcases] I had enough Lazlo, I had enough Camp Kidney! [bucking his seatbelt] I just want to see it in a view mirror, that's all. [drives the cabin into the gate]

Slinkman: [blocks the gate] Hold it! Edward, you know you're not supposed to drive the cabins out of camp.

Edward: Fine! [leaves the cabin] You park it.

Edward: [to Samson] AUGH!!! FOR THE LOVE OF LUMPUS! PRESS THE BELL ALREADY!!!

Edward: Fine, I'll get some more stamps.

Samson: [covers his eyes] He's still got that rash...

Edward: I'm so excited to be leaving this place that I don't care that I'm surrounded by all you losers!

Edward: [anxiously opens the box he wants to see where he and the Bean Scouts are in] We're in...We're in... [looking at the sign] Oh no, "Acorn Flats Sunflower Field"?!

Season 4

Strange Trout from Outer Space / Cheese Orbs [4.01]

Samson: [to one of the trouts] Here, do that thing you do with the paper, come on! Do it!

Trout: [reading the diary page] Dear Diary, I want to be Lazlo's friend so...

Samson: [interrupts and snatches the page back] Give me that!

Alien 3: I have an idea! Lets hold him hostage until they give us chesse!

Alien 1: [watching other campers beat up the Samson rock] Somehow I don't know if that will work.

Almondine: Is she okay?

Patsy: [dizzy with her hair in a mess] I'm okay.

Amber: [laughs] Look at her hair!

Patsy: My hair? [gasps in shock, screaming] MY HAIR!!!

Alien 3: I indicate cheese in 24 hours!

Alien 2: Is it safe to stay with the earthling?

Nina: [enters dressed in a spacesuit] Ta-da! What do you think of my space jumper?

Alien: It's weird. It's harmless. We'll stay.

Gretchen: [while she and Patsy are by the window, lonely] No cheese, No Nina.

Lazlo: [as he and his cabin mates show up] Hi, ladies! I know how to turn those long faces short- a preview of my Hungarian Cheddar?

Patsy: [exclaims in shock as she turns away from Lazlo's cheese] Get away, get away!

Lazlo: [nervously pulls the cheese away] Oh! Um...Sorry.

[Patsy cries emotionally and runs away]

Gretchen: [to Lazlo, annoyed] Smooth move, jellies. Everybody knows she's allergic to cheese! She bloats, she turns into- [gasps in realization as an idea gets into her head] Aha!

Nina: [realizes the alien was her two friends] Gretchen?! Patsy?! [runs to Patsy] What happened to you?

Patsy: [voice breaking] I...ate...all the...cheese!

Nina: [tearing up] But why, Patsy? Why?

Patsy: [gulps, tearing up] Because you...you prefer disgusting mutants with lasers...over me.

Nina: [smiles hopefully] You had a severe allergic reaction just for me? Come here, you two! [group hugs Patsy and Gretchen as the audience awws]

[Last lines; after the aliens flew back to outer space in front of the campers and citizens]

Jane: Um...Folks, [chuckles] there's just a little bit of bad news: [chuckles again] there is no cheese.

[Everyone gasps and runs away screaming to their homes]

Hold It Lazlo / Being Edward [4.02]

Lumpus: I don't know, why you don't just go in the lake.

Lazlo: The Lake [his eyes are watering. He jumps in and urinates in the lake]

Red Fish: I don't swim in your toilet, so please don't whiz in my home.

Lazlo: [sucks up the urine and runs off] Sorry!

[The fish is revealed to be a puppet controlled by Edward, who comes up out of the water and chuckles]

Lazlo: Come on, give me a sign. [sees a tree with a bull's-eye on it] Perfect...

Edward: Lazlo! Don't tell me you were going to go on that defenseless tree, are you?

Lazlo: Well, there's nowhere else to go in camp!

Edward: Did you try Acorn Flats?

Lazlo: Girls have bathrooms?

Edward: Girls have bladders too.

Patsy: Okay, Lazlo, but tell me again why you are using our bathroom?

Lazlo: BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO!!!

Patsy: Whoa! That is definitely the wrong way to ask someone to use their bathroom.

Lazlo: I'm sorry. Please? Uh, pretty please with a P on top?

Edward: Hold it, Lazlo! Isn't that a girls' bathroom?

Samson: Hey wait, they're just trying to distract us from the real funny. Lazlo's still wearing a diaper!

Lazlo: Huh, oh this isn't a diaper.

Raj: Really?

Clam: Denial.

Samson: It's not? Well then what is it?

Lazlo: It's a tinkle-tog, just like the astronaut's wear.

[All campers gasped]

Samson: So, you're actually wearing some sort of futuristic space diaper?

Lazlo: Yeah, kind of.

Raj: Lazlo, can you hold my seat while I go to the bathroom?

Lazlo: Sure, Raj.

Raj: [goes in his tinkle tog] Okay, I'm done.

Samson: Look, Raj just went to the bathroom like the astronauts!

Raj: [dreamily] Just like the astronauts

[Dave and Ping-Pong sigh of relief]

Chef McMuesli: [gives out sigh of relief then looks down] Forgot I wasn't wearing tinkletogs.

[Last lines; Edward's brothers have arrived]

Alpine: EDWARD!

Edward: [turns around to see his four older brothers standing at the door of the mess hall] It's not what it looks like!

Alpine: Oh, really? So I guess you didn't lose the lemonade drinking contest? And now I suppose you're gonna tell us that you didn't just admit to inventing these lame fashion diapers? [scoffs as Edward's eyes starts welling up with tears of sadness] Can you bring more shame to our family?

Phillip: I can't believe we're related. [he, Alpine and Cheesly walk out the door]

Fancy Pants: Oh, Edward, honey, fashion diapers are so last year.

Edward: But...it's not a diaper, it's a TINKLE TOG!

[The scene started typically with lazlo and the calendar thinking of what kind of event would be in June 1st]

Lazlo: No holidays,Too gloom! Well we can't have a date without something...Now what would make a good holiday that everyone enjoys. [starts to get surprise by giving an idea. Which he looked at the gooseberry shrub and writes "Goose berry shrub whoreshipping day"] Lazlo-Goose berry shrub worshipping day! Clam can get the kick out of that! He loves gooseberries!

[Everyone worships the gooseberry shrub]

Lazlo: [meditates] Ooommmm...

Campers: [meditate] GooseBerries!

Edward: [walks over] Get up Laz! You make an idiot of yourself!

Lazlo: [while meditating] Edward...we're in the middle of worshipping the gooseberries here. Ooommmm...

Edward: [groans] You're worshiping the weed, you doofus! I cant even look! Why praise those gross things when you got a lovable platypus right here! [everyone didn't listen but worships the goodberry shrub. leaving him annoyed] Hello?! Anyone?! [groans] Stupid Lazlo Holidays! [then rips off calendar just to make it June 2nd and the next holiday was "Edward Day" His own day] If there gonna worship! They might as well worship something worth worshipping!

[Edward wakes up and tries to make his so called "Cloth" and so called "Crown" making him a special pathetic scout]

Edward: This is it folks! The day were all been worshipping! [evil Laugh] Its...EDWARD DAY!!!

Gordon: [imitates Edward] Keep it down! You Weirdo!

Norman: [imitates Edward] Hey look its the queen of England!

Mort: [imitates Edward] What is he suppose to be?

Ping Pong: [imitates Edward] A loser!

Edward: Lets try this again. Its...EDWARD DAY!!!

Raj: [confused] Umm...Yes umm...I am surrounded by! "IDIOTS!!" [laughs]

Edward: Lazlo!

Lazlo Yes, Edward?

Edward: What day is it today?

Lazlo: Why it's Edward Day, silly! I mean... [imitates Edward] Its Edward day can't you read your loser! [laughs] How'd I do?

Edward: [groans in anger] Come on, Lazlo! What does that sign say?

Lazlo: [didn't read the calendar but Lost Scab Collections] Lost Scab Collections C. Samson-

Edward: [starts getting mad even more] No! You dimwit, Above it the calender.

Lazlo: Oh! June 2nd Edward day!... [starts to criticize Edward too] TODAY'S THE DAY WHERE WE ACT LIKE YOU GARBONZO-BRAINS!!!

Edward: THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS ON MY DAY! I'LL TAKE THIS TO THE HIGHEST AUTHORITY!!!

[Edward talks to Slinkman]

Slinkman: So it's Edward Day and you don't want it to be Edward Day?

Edward: No! I mean yes! Look here Slinkman. Today is the day that everyone worships me! Me!

Slinkman Okay? Well since it's your day.

Edward: Edward Day!

Slinkman: [writes down a note and gives it to Edward] Right. Now I want you to take this not to Mr. McMuesli.

Edward: What is this? [reads the note] Edward is allowed to jump to the front of the mess hall line. Finally, a little respect to the Ed man.

[Next scene at the mess hall. Edward enters]

Edward: Ta da! [no one didn't pay attention to him] Some people just had no class. Is someone gonna take my cloak or am I just gonna stand here all day?

Louie: Glad to, Edward. [takes Edward's Cloak]

Edward: This is what I'm talking about.

Louie: Nice cape.

Edward: It's a cloak, you peasant.

Louie: [imitates Edward] Look at me. I'm the king of Camp Kidney.

Edward: I know where you live, freak! You stain my cloak, you buy my cloak. Capisce? [give Chef McMuesli the note] Chef McMuesli. Chef McMuesli. Look what I got.

Chef McMuesli: Oh it's Edward Day Huh?

Edward: Go ahead, McMuesli. Surpise me.

Chef McMuesli: [imitates Edwars] Give me my lunch and make it snappy, broccoli breath!

Edward: Just give me some lunch, will ya?

Chef McMuesli: [still imitating Edward] Coming right up! One macaroni surprise! Next!

Edward: [sits right next to Samson] You have the honor of sitting with me, peasant.

Samson: [imitates Edward] What do you want to see me? Get sick or something?

Edward: [annoyed] Listen up people. I don't know what you think you're all doing. You should be worshiping me! [everyone imatates Edward] Enough already! I hear by declare Edward Day finished!

Clam [sounds like Edward] But I love being Edward.

[Everyone is stunned]

Edward: Alright, who's the wise guy? Well, where are ya?

Clam: Well, where are ya?

Edward: Wha? [everyone likes Clam's impersonation of Edward] You're supposed to worship me, not imitate me!

Clam: You're supposed to worship me, not imitate me!

Edward: GRRRR!!!

Clam: GRRRR!!

Edward: That's it!

Clam: That's it!

[Everyone Laughs]

Edward: [walks out of the Mess Hall] I'm gonna end Edward Day once and for all! [plays the bedtime bugle]

Clam: So I say to the guy "what am I, a duck?"

[They hear the bedtime bugle]

Raj: It's bedtime already?

Lumpus: [from the window] Trying to nap here!

Edward: That's the bedtime bugle, Lumpus. Go back to bed!

Lumpus: Oh, daylight savings time, huh? Well, keep it down anyway!

Edward: There. problem solved. Edward Day is officially over.

[Everyone goes back to there cabins]

Lazlo: Wanna play shadow puppets?

Samson: I just drop teddy at the Laundromat.

Edward: [goes into his cabin] Phew! Goodbye camp Hello dreamland. [noticed Clam was in his bed and screams] WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUNK?!

Clam: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUNK?!

Edward You heard the Bedtime Bugle! Edward Day is over!

Clam: But I Love being Edward.

Edward: You're not Edward, I'M EDWARD!

Clam: You're not Edward, I'M EDWARD!

[Both breathing hardly]

Edward: Grr! Hey, stink sacks!

Clam: Hey, stink sacks!

Edward: Will you tell this fruitcake who Edward is?!

Clam: Will you tell that fruitcake who Edward is?!

Skip: Are we dreaming?

Chip: I think so.

[They went back to sleep]

Edward and Clam: See?!

Clam: [from inside] Nobody's interesting!

Edward: [from inside] Don't copy me!

Clam: [from inside] Stop doing that!

Edward: [from inside] Why are you such an idiot?! [the Bean Scouts wake up and goes to Edward's Cabin and complain] You can go to sleep after you tell this imitation who the original Edward is!

Clam: Not in this lifetime, butterball!

Samson: Okay, now that is Edward.

[The bean scouts all talking at once]

Lazlo: [walks up to Clam and Edward] Excuse me. Pardon me Fred. Pardon me hippo guy. Uh beg pardon pig character that I've not met until now. [chuckles] Looks like we've got ourselves a little mix up. Hmm. What we need here is a good old fashion face off to find the real Edward. Let's start with Edward on the Right.

Edward: Edward on the right?! THERE IS NO EDWARD ON THE RIGHT!!! I'M THE ONLY EDWARD!!!!

Bean Scouts: BOOOO!!!!

Gordon: Too wimpy!

Lazlo: Well, I guess that was pretty good.

Clam: I'm surrounded by idiots!

[The Bean Scouts Cheer]

Lazlo: Yeah that's him!

Edward: This camp is only big enough for one Edward!

Bean Scouts: Edward on the right! Edward on the right!

Edward: [leaves his cabin] If he's Edward then who does that make me Clam? Ugh can't think of the worse...Wait a minute. Wait just one minute.

[Time card that says One Minute Later. Edward blows the bugle. Lazlo wakes up and Edward dressed like Clam]

Lazlo: Oh, um, hello there, Edward. What can I do for ya?

Edward: [imitating] Duh, me Clam.

Lazlo: Do you have something stuck in your throat, Edward?

Edward: No [grabs the picture] Duh, Clam. I am Clam.

Lazlo: Oh, I get it. He likes our picture.

Raj: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, Edward.

Edward: Clam!!! I'm impersonating Clam, you idiots!!!

Raj: Okay, is he still doing Clam?

Lazlo: I think he's trying to do Edward again. Oooh, look what time it is. Well, Clam, we better get down to the mess hall. We don't want to miss breakfast.

[Next scene where the Bean Scout are in line at the Mess Hall at night]

Dave: How come we're having dinner for breakfast?

Ping Pong: This is highly logical.

Lazlo: Good morning, friendship campers!

Raj: Good morning, Camp Kidney!

[Edward walks in]

Lazlo: Come on! You can do it.

Edward: Uh, I'm Clam.

Raj: Ooooh, he's really improving.

Chip: Are we asleep?

Skip: I think so.

Samson: Hey, Ed Man. Why don't you cut in front of me?

Clam: Don't mind if I do.

Chef McMuesli: Oh, hey, Edward. That was a lot of fun yesterday. How about a second helping?

Edward: Hey. Uh who cares about Edward? He's a jerk.

Chip: Is your dream about Edward?

Skip: I think so.

Clam: And I said to the guy "what do I look like a Squirrel Scout?"

[Everyone Laughs]

Edward: Uh, Clam no think new Edward is so funny.

Samson: Who's that supposed to be?

Clam: Well, if it isn't Clam. Clam here is so short when it rains. He's the last to know.

[Everyone laughs]

Edward: [voiceover] That should be me up there getting all that attention. Getting laughs at someone else's expense. He's already had his day with the gooseberry. [gets an idea; spoken] He's not Edward and I can prove it! [laughs] Clam loves gooseberry bushes! [eats gooseberries out of a bush] Mmm gooseberries! Who can resist them?! [eats more gooseberries] Too bad you can't eat any of these delicious gooseberries! Edward hates goose berries! [spits out gooseberries]

Clam: Gooseberries?

Edward: I can't even remember when I last had gooseberries this good!!

Clam: [normal voice] Duh, gooseberries! [drooling]

Samson: Please tell me that's not drool.

Clam: Not Edward anymore! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! [eats the goosberries]

Edward: I win! I'm the king of the Edwards! EUUUUUUUUAGGGH!!! [starts to have his gooseberry allergy] Gooseberry hives?! Well at least I'm still Edward.

[Episode ends]

[Last lines; during the credits]

Edward: Vamoose, pelican. It's my day and I'm going to the top.

Mort: [imitating Edward] In your dreams, you platypus!

Edward: [to Raj] Hey, Regina!

Raj: What did you call me?

Edward: Let me ahead of you in line, will you?

Raj: [imitating Edward] Yeah, sure! Wake up and smell the pinecones!

[Two guys laugh]

Edward: [growls, frustrated] Fine way to treat me.

Award to the Wise / Cave Chatter [4.03]

Lazlo: Here you go, Sheldon. [hands Sheldon an award]

Sheldon (Milt): Best performance from an incidental character. Wow, thanks Lazlo!

Raj: [about the wood glue] Peww, Lazlo, that smells terrible.

Lazlo: Really? I kinda like the smell of wood glue.

Samson: Ah, Merp! The only reason the cave bean listens to me. Now, that Lazlo took him I have no one to talk to.

Edward: Who are you talking to?

Samson: Nobody.

Slinkman: [walks into the living room] Alright, Scoutmaster Lumpus! Ready for your- [notices he is injured violently, surprised] Oh, my! Your back, it's all in knots.

Samson: [walks into the plains, sadly] I can't have anything they can! You meet a frozen caveman, they become friends and BAM! Somebody wants to thaw him out! He was my... [sniffles] ...friend. He'd listened! [starts crying] Now there's no one to listen no one in the whole...wide...world. [sits down by a lake] There's just me, listening...to me...

Ed's Benedict / The Book of Slinkman [4.04]

Samson: [with binoculars staring up at the sun] Is it bad to stare directly at the sun?

Clam: [looking directly at the sun with binoculars and getting his eyes slowly burned] Yes.

Edward: [panicking over the egg] WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!

Chip: Aren't you gonna lay another one?

Skip: We don't have to watch.

Edward: The Ed-man is going to calmly walk over here...he's going to close his eyes...and when he opens them, he's going to wake up from this nightmare. [shuts his eyes tight]

Skip: Sneaky!

Edward: [to himself] WAKE UP, EDWARD! There, it worked!

Edward: HOW?! How can you eat eggs?!

Milt: Uh, with a fork?

Edward: You...you animals! [stomps around the mess hall, furiously]

Slinkman: [talking about a great scout] That was back when beans were beans. Way back...last week.

Lazlo: Mr. Slinkman, where would are society be without books? Think of the notebook, think of the phone book...and the most greatest book of all...THE COMIC BOOK!

Never Bean on the Map / Harold and Raj [4.05]

Lumpus: I don't like meat. I LOVE meat!

Lumpus: [after the steak grows a little bigger; shocked] What happened?!

Lazlo: It must be the growth hormones.

Lumpus: Growth hormone?

Lumpus: Wait, Lazlo, if I eat one more bite, I'm going to explode!

Professor Lion: [off-screen] Hey, Edna, would look at this, they finally put Camp Kidney on the place mad map. That's perfect!

Edna: Just what we've been waiting for.

Professor Lion: Now our life has purpose beyond the early bird special.

Edward: Wait a minute.

Raj: What?

Edward: Flying marshmallows?

Raj: True story.

Edward: [short pause] Well, that was the best story I ever heard!

[The other bean scouts cheer]

Lazlo: Pass the story stone, Raj.

Raj: Your turn, Chip.

Lazlo: You missed someone, pal.

Raj: Who? Skip?

Lazlo: No, somebody closer. [whispering] Harold.

Raj: [also whispering] Who's Harold? [Lazlo points to the walrus scout] Oh! [laughs; offering Harold the story stone] Story stone?

Harold: [protesting] Oh, no thanks.

Lazlo: Oh, come on, Harold. Everybody's got a story to tell.

[Harold, Milt, and Larrison are walking back to their cabin for the night after Harold told a horrible story about his toenail growing]

Milt: [trying to cheer Harold up] I loved your story! [playfully elbows him] The part about the toenail was like, WOW!

Harold: It was stupid. [sulking] Why can't I tell cool stories like Raj?

Milt: Hey, why can't I get a life? [he and Larrison laugh hysterically]

Harold: I'll tell you why! All we do is stand in the background and watch the cool guys do stuff. I'm sorry but I'm gonne be cool, or my name's not Harold.

Milt: But your name's not Harold.

Harold: Well that's what the cool guys call me!

Raj: Got any marshmallows, Samson?

Samson: [walking by] Nope. Quit three weeks ago.

Raj: Wait a minute. Are you laughing like me?!

Harold: [with his face like Raj's and talking in his impression] Whatever do you mean?

Raj: [screams] Harold, you are a nice guy but hanging out with you is like, hanging out with myself. And I'm surprised by how pretty that is. Let's not hang out anymore. Don't call, don't write, don't drop by unexpectedly.

Harold: But Raj, I thought...

Raj: Great, bye! Nice knowing ya! [walks off and leaves as Harold looks on, teary-eyed and heartbroken]

Samson: [walking by] My allergies are really acting up today.

Harold: [infuriated] I got allergies too! [breathes heavily; Samson walks away from him] Can I be your friend hamster boy?! [to Chip and Skip, wrapping his arms around them] How 'bout you fellers? Can I be like you? Heck, I'm dumber and stinkier than the two of you combined! [the Dung Beetles walk away from him as well; breaks down, sobbing with sadness in his heart] I just wanted to be cool and do fun stuff! [Raj walks up to him] Well, look who decided to drop by unexpectedly!

Raj: Can I, um, talk to you for a sec? [Later in the Jelly cabin] You can't be cool if you don't know who you are. Who are you?

Harold: Uh… can you give me a hint?

Raj: How about this? Tell me who you want to be and I promise I'll help you be it.

Harold: Well… No, you're gonna laugh at me.

Raj: I won't laugh.

Raj: Um, Harold, I do not think you are a superhero.

Harold: My name's not Harold either. I'll never know who I am.

Edward: [laughing] What a loser! [gestures to Milt and Larrison] And if that loser was too cool to hang out with guys, what does that make you?

[Milt and Larrison look at each other, hurtfully over being insulted]

Harold: [thrives over to Edward and faces him; furiously] You can't talk to my friends like THAT!

Edward: Well, if ain't Captain Banana-Pants.

Harold: There's no Banana-Pants here! [strips off his clothes, leaving him only in his underwear] Just me.

Edward: And what are you gonna do?

Harold: I reckon you're about to find out.

[The other bean scouts gasp as Harold and Edward start facing off in a duel when the clock strikes]

Lumpus vs. the Volcano / Nursemaster [4.06]

[In his office, Scoutmaster Lumpus is watching a commercial on T.V. On the T.V. is a banjo-playing rooster dressed as a sherrif]

Deputy Doodle-Doo: ♪ Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell... ♪ [throws his banjo off-screen] Howdy, partners!

Children: Howdy to you!

Deputy Doodle-Doo: Bet you're feelin' hungry.

Children: You know that we do!

Deputy Doodle-Doo: Well, my name is Deputy Doodle-Doo. Make the best frozen dinners especially for you! [A pie gets placed on the table and then cuts to him coming out of a saloon] But if you don't believe me or you think it's a lie... [the pie on the table bursts open and a baby chick pops out] There she blows!

Baby chick: Try our chicken pot pie!

[Lumpus drools while watching this]

Deputy Doodle-Doo: Big ol' chunks of chicken with gravy. All wrapped up in a deep-dish prairie-style pie. [four pies with arms and legs dance behind him] But if you don't believe me or you think it's a lie... [the chick pops out of the pie] There she blows!

Baby Chick: Try our chicken pot pie!

T.V. Announcer: Available in your local frozen food section. Additional gravy sold separately. Get some now.

Lumpus: Will do!

Samson: Can't you see I'm a walking health hazard?!

Dungs in Candyland / Tour Wars [4.07]

Slinkman: [scolding Chip and Skip] I am ashamed of you two! You know having candy in camp is against camp rules! And if Lumpus ever found candy on the premises...

[Imagine spot of Slinkman being salted by a very furious Lumpus]

Lumpus: I SAID NO CANDY, YOU WORM!!!

[Back to reality]

Slinkman: I mean, look at this stuff! Fizzy Stix, bubblegum, lollipops, taffy, pure cane sugar and... [notices two strips of bacon covered with sugar] Sugar-coated bacon?! [Chip reaches for a strip of bacon; slaps his hand] Stop that! This is exactly what I'm talking about! No self discipline! It's times like these when I wish I could take Old Spankful out of retirement. But at least I have Old Shredful. [turns on a paper shredder and dumps the candy into it, shredding it to pieces, causing the Dung Beetles to cry]

Edward: That's it, fellas. We're doomed!

Lazlo: Don't worry, Edward. It's not the end of the world.

Edward: Not the end of the world?!?! Those were the last pieces of candy in the entire camp!

Raj: Without Chip and Skip, the whole entire camp will be dry by snack time.

Ping-Pong: What do we do now?

Dave: Yeah. How will we get our sugar?

Samson: Hey, you guys! I have an idea! Uh, Edward I have an idea. Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward? [Edward starts to make furious and jealous] Want you my idea? Wana Wana Wana Wana. This is my idea Edward. Edward.

Edward: [furiously yells Samson] SAMSON!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAT?! Can't you see that we're busy over here?!

Samson: [gets jealous and he goes to his cabin, the group except Samson stay argumentative] Oh, forget them, it was a good idea Samson. [gasps happily]. Oh, my little bean chemistry set. At first, I thought this idea would be impossible, I mean using my chemistry set to make candy, it just sounds so absurd, but then occurred to me. If I can get luscious, to grow six times, its size with just a cup of water, then I'm sure I could make a piece of candy. [starts to make candies with his chemistry set] It's working. [laughs and making candies at same time. When he finishes making candies, he arrives to the Jelly cabin] Hey guys.

Lazlo: [not feeling happy] Oh, hi Samson.

Raj: How can be so happy when there's no candy in camp.

Samson: What if tell you I had some candy?

Raj: Oh, stop your fibbing Samson, I'd give my entire record collection for just one piece. But we all know Slinkman shredded the last of the candy.

Samson: That was before I made all THIS. [shows the candies made himself. Raj looks the candies made by Samson with his eyes] All is real alright.

Raj: [excitedly moves his bookcase] Here, here, take it.

Samson: Ah, ah, ah, ah. [refusing for more candies] Only one piece.

Raj: But I'd give my entire record collection.

Samson: [giving Raj one condition] Only one piece portrayed.

Raj: FINE! [accepts his condition]

Clam: Abacus

Lazlo: My harmonica.

[Everybody come to Samson because knew that he has real candy cheerfully. Montage of the Bean scouts doing things for Samson for Candy: Milt massages on the Samson's back; Samson plays volleyball with Ping-Pong]

Samson: Yeah, I won. In your face Ping-Pong, oh yeah I won! [celebrating]

Ping-Pong: Ahem!.

Samson: Oh, there you are. [gives Ping-Pong a piece of candy]

Ping-Pong: Thanks!

[The next day finishing the Samson's making candies job]

Samson: Boy. How could making candy can be so loveliness? [happily bringing trash] Next stop: Cool Town. Doo. Doo. [throws the trash to the garbage]

Chip and Skip: [appear, in the garbage looking for Samson's candies] Hi, Samson!

Samson: [greeting shyly] Oh, Hi, Chip. Hi, Skip. What are you doing in the garbage?

Chip: Looking for you.

Skip: Yeah, we want candy,

Chip: We want do anything.

Samson: Sorry guys, but I really don't think you have anything I want.

[Chip and Skip are overwhelmed after hearing Samson telling that]

Skip: Wait right here.

[Chip and Skip are searching in the garbage things for doing anything]

Chip: [finds a dirty griddle] I can iron your clothes.

Skip: [finds a dirty toothbrush] I can brush your teeth.

Samson: No, leave me alone! [runs away crying]

Chip: Samson! We just want some candy.

Skip: We'll do anything!

Samson: [breathes nervously; to Dave and Ping Pong] Dave, Ping-Pong. Oh thanks goodness you're here. [shows the candy] I need your help to get out of here safely.

Skip: [gets in to the cabin] Samson!

[Dave and Ping-Pong travel Samson out of the Fava Cabin]

Samson: Phew! We made it. Take me somewhere safe!

Ping-Pong: Any place in particular, sir?

Samson: The Showers. Chip and Skip wouldn't be caught dead in there. [drinks a cup of water]

[Scoutmaster Lumpus' office; Slinkman interrogates Milt after he caught him with candy]

Slinkman: [demanding] No more games, Milt! [holds up a piece of candy] Where did you get this, huh?! TELL ME, MILT! [Milt frightfully shakes his head, refusing to tell] What would your father say if he knew you had candy?!

Milt: [tearing up as he's about to cry] I don't know.

Slinkman: Neither do I. [threateningly calls Milt's father on the phone] Hello, Milt Sr.? Yes, I have your son here in my office. It would seem…

Milt: [giving in; freaking out] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU! I'LL TELL YOU!

Slinkman: It would seem your son is doing very well here at Camp Kidney. [hangs up] Okay, Milt. Tell me everything.

Slinkman: The jig us up, Samson! Milt told me everything.

Lazlo's First Crush / Living la Vida Lumpus [4.08]

Lazlo: I'm in love with a mermaid!

Raj: That's great, dude.

Raj: Well, I LOVE HER TOO, DUDE!

Lazlo: WHAT?!

Lazlo: [as Bill passes by] Check out this piece of work.

[Camera pans up from Bill's nostrils to his face]

Lumpus: Hey, why the long face?

Lazlo: Good one.

Lumpus: Move along.

[Bill runs off, sobbing, then Edward shows up]

Lazlo: Watch this. [to Edward] Doofus says "What?"

Edward: What? [realizes he's been tricked; annoyed] Grrr, real mature, Lazlo.

Samson's Mail Fraud / The Haunted Coffee Table [4.09]

Dave: Samson, what are you trying to pull?!

Edward: You know what I think?! I think that Samson doesn't even know Presto!

Campers: What?!

Raj: [telling the scary story to the campers] It was the coffee table that was haunted!

Friendward / Camp Dinkey [4.10]

Edward: This friend stuff is harder than I thought.

Edward: [holding Wilbert down as he was trying to run away from him] Why did you run from me, Beaver?

Wilbert: I thought you were gonna hurt me.

Edward: Oh, Beaver. [laughs] No, I just wanted to see if you wanted to be best friends.

Wilbert: Friends?

Edward: Hey, Beaver, mind if I call you "Beavy?" You like "Beavy," don't you?

Wilbert: Well, actually, my name's not Beaver just because I am a beaver. That doesn't mean--

Edward: Quiet, Beavy, you talk too much! Let's do something manly together, like touching muscles.

Edward: This stinks. I don't need you, Beaver. I don't need friends.

[Last lines]

Edward: Could you build the dam with me?

Lazlo: We could build the dam, or we could play bad-breathed zombies. Wanna play?

Edward: Yeah! [seeing the Jelly Beans playing bad-breathed zombies, much to his regret] Ugh, what have I done?

Lazlo: [after seeing the billboard about Camp Dinkey] Hmm. A camp made just for me? What would that be like? It could be anything I want. It could have a sign, a flagpole, a mess hall, a bunch of cool campers! [claps his hands and pictures a camp exactly like Camp Kidney] And the best part of all, a scoutmaster!

Lumpus: Lazlo! It's bad enough I got to spend reality with you! Leave me out of your twisted fantasies! [claps his hands as the lights went out]

Lazlo: Camp Dinkey is awesome!

Samson: This camp is filthy! I wanna be clean!

Raj: I want to be famous!

Clam: I wanna be understood!

Chip and Skip: Baby cow whisperers!

Samson: Camp Dinkey has it all! Let's go to Camp Dinky!

[After discovering the billboard was just spelled wrong]

Samson: Camp Dinkey's really Camp Kidney?

[Except for Lazlo, the Bean Scouts all mutter and groan in disappointment]

Lazlo: Come on, fellas. All this time, we've been imagining the coolest camp possible, but maybe it's been Camp Kidney all along.

[The Bean Scouts smile, then quickly disagree]

Edward: Let's face it. There's nothing cool about Camp Kidney.

[A dark cloud appears and lightning strikes the billboard, setting it on fire and reducing it to ashes]

Bean Scouts: Cool!

Doting Doe-Eyed Deerest / Clown Camp [4.11]

Skip: Hello.

Chip: I'm naked.

Lumpus: [after Lazlo throws clown confetti on him, dressed up as a clown; enraged] NOT ON ME, YOU LITTLE TWERP!

Season 5

Edward's Big Bag / The List [5.01]

Lazlo: Oops.

Milt: "Oops?!" We're stranded in the wild with no supervision, and no shelter! And you say, "Oops?!" [paranoid] We're all gonna die. [spins around, panicking] We're all gonna die! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!

Clam: Milt! Come here. [holds out his arms, offering Milt for comfort]

Lazlo: Hey, Edward! You can sleep in my sleeping bag!

Edward: I don't have much of a choice, do I? [gets in Lazlo's sleeping bag] Your pajamas feel nice to! What are they, flannel?

Lazlo: I sleep in the nude.

Lazlo: I need to tell Dave I love him!

Edward: [to the audience] You can't write this kind of stuff.

Edward: "Number 4: Give bear a hug." I don't even give my grandmother a hug. BEAR! HUG!!!!! [runs over to Gordon]

Gordon: What are you doing?!

Edward: [tackles Gordon to the ground and hugs him] Trust me. I hate this as much as you.

Edward: It feels good to wash this day away. All those acts of kindness and compassion. They went against everything I've ever stood for. I feel like my soul's been hacked from my body and trampled.

Chef McMuseli: [offended] HEY! That was supposed to be vegetarian!

Camp Complain / The Engagement [5.02]

Leonard: The sky is too blue.

Liniment: The grass is too green.

[Louie farts]

Larry: Louie farted.

[Lazlo, Samson, Harold, and Edward have been called in by Slinkman to talk to them]

Lazlo: So, what do you guys think Slinkman wants to talk to us about?

Harold: I don't know.

Samson: It's a mystery.

Edward: As long as this isn't about me forcing the sheep to eat mud. Which I didn't! Then I don't care what this is about.

Slinkman: [enters] Hey, fellas.

Edward: [shouting] I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! [shuts his mouth]

Slinkman: Okay.

Raj: Come out here and listen to us!

Edward: I can't believe this! They're not complaining on purpose!

Harold: But why would they do that?

Edward: Don't you see? They're jealous of our pinball!

Samson: Yeah, and our hats!

Edward: No Samson. They're not jealous of our hats.

Samson: Our badges?

Edward: Stop talking.

Mayor Pothole McPucker: Wait a minute, ma'am.

Jane: DON'T YOU "WAIT A MINUTE" ME, YOU SCOUNDREL!

[After Lumpus has confessed his love for Jane while disguised as a woman]

Mayor Pothole McPucker: ...I love you too!

Jane: Huh?!

Mayor Pothole McPucker: I'm sorry, Jane. She's hot.

Samson: [in a solemn, but horrified voice] I tried to pick up Scoutmaster Lumpus.

Lazlo: [remembers] Yacka! That's who it was!

Call Me Almondine / Clam the Outlaw [5.03]

Almondine: [voice-over] Who is that desperate bird? That desperate bird is me, and my name… is Almondine. [Fade to six hours earlier] Six hours ago, I was just another Squirrel Scout.

Toodie: [walking up next to her as they stand in front of the Wig Out tent] Hey, Almondine. Are you ready for the annual Acorn Flats Wig Out?

Almondine: [spins her head around 360 degrees, creeping Toodie out, and stops] Sure am. [voice-over] Or at least an owl Squirrel Scout with a gifted third vertebrae. Yes, the Wig Out-- special night when girls dress up with their finest wigs and get to be pretty. [walks into the tent and enters the dressing room while all the other Squirrel Scouts work on their wigs] I've been working on my wig for two weeks straight, and I was pretty sure I nailed it. [removes the blanket that's covering her wig, revealing that it looks just like her real hair]

Miss Mucus: Ladies, how do we all feel about Almondine's wig?

Nina: Ugh. The hat. What were you thinking?

Almondine: It's to keep the wig arm. [Nina and Patsy look at each other confused] I'm just trying to be practical.

Miss Mucus: People are driving hundreds of miles to the wig out, and they ain't coming for practical. They want the pretties, right, gals?

Tootie: Like flowers.

Rachel: Telephones.

Miss Mucus: Someone get Almondine some curlers. She's got work to do. [leaves]

Patsy: We've got six hours to go! Are you sure you're gonna have something pretty?

Almondine: No problem.

Patsy: Oh, good. 'cause if your wig's not pretty, it'll ruin the whole wig out. [laughs as she and her friends leave]

Almondine: [voice-over] "Pretty." There was that word again. I had no idea what it meant.

Almondine: Miss Doe, what is pretty?

Jane: Well, little girls are pretty, and cold left overs are pretty!

Almondine: Cold leftovers?

Almondine: [looks at her reflection in the mirror for a second, then takes off her glasses and gets to work; voice-over] I did things to my face that I had never done before. After a bucket of paint and a gallon of elbow grease, I was ready to see the new me. [puts her glasses back on and looks at her reflection in shock, seeing that she looks exactly the same as she was before] Nothing. I guess pretty was just for pretty people. Not for plain practical birds…like me.

Patsy: [enters the dressing room with Nina and Gretchen] Hi, Almondine! Are you ready for the Wig Out?

Almondine: [crying her heart out and dashes out of the tent] Forget it! [throws the magazine on the ground in frustration and runs away into the woods; voice-over] The Wig Out was going to be a disaster, and it was all my fault. I had to get away, somewhere else, under a pretty name like "Tiffany" or "Alexis", at some other camp, a camp where they don't know me, a camp where they're not so pretty. [finds the Jelly Cabin Trio, all behaving like hobos]

Lazlo: Looks like we got company, boys. Sit a spell, stranger.

Almondine: [takes a seat on a crate box] Brother, can you spare me a banana? I haven't eaten all day.

Raj: [gives her a banana] Well, what you been up to?

Almondine: Chasing a dream.

Raj: Doesn't look like she caught it.

Almondine: Thought I knew what pretty was. Turns out, I don't know anything about it.

Lazlo: Aw, that's nothing. Whatever makes you different is what makes you pretty.

Raj: Yep, and we've got more pretty than we know what to do with.

Jellies: Yeah!

Almondine: You do?

Raj: Take me. You know how elephants are supposed to remember everything?

Almondine: Yeah.

Raj: Well, I can't remember anything. No, really. Test me.

Almondine: What did you have for lunch today?

Raj: Okay, yeah. I had one of those…uh…things between two, uh, slices of things. [facepalms] Oh! What do you call?

Almondine: Oh, a sandwich?

Raj: Huh? You want a sandwich? What did you say?

Lazlo: Isn't that pretty?

Almondine: Well, it's different at least.

Almondine: [calling out to the Jelly Cabin Trio hobos while running back to Acorn Flats] Thanks, hobos! I'll never forget you guys!

Pig: You! You ruined our Wig Out-- the only time any of us get a chance to really express ourselves!

Pelican: And now you're gonna pay!

Patsy: [off-screen] Hold it, folks! [bolts up next to Almondine, defending her] She was trying to express herself, too! Maybe it wasn't pretty, but it was 100% Almondine.

Almondine: Yeah, well, I may not be pretty, but I'm gorgeous! Just the way I am!

Patsy: Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Gorgeous!

Clam: [waking up from his pancake dream] Pancake Day!

Lazlo: [unenthusiastically while sleeping] Yay.

Raj: Clam, it is not considered day until there is sun. Until then, it is night.

Clam: Pancakes, pancakes! [bolts out of the Jelly cabin and into the Mess Hall as the sun rises in daytime] Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes! [howls like a rooster as Chef McMuseli opens the kitchen window while yawning; excitedly] Pancake Day!

Chef McMuseli: [remembers unenthusiastically] Oh, yeah. It's Pancake Tuesday. [gets a tub of pancake batter] Huh… Ooh-whee, gosh. The batter tub's pretty empty.

Lumpus: Happy Pancake Day to me! [chuckles joyfully] Good golly. I don't know when I've seen such a-- [notices Clam growling furiously when facing him] Uh…

[Jelly Cabin; Lazlo is still in bed, asleep, but not for long when Raj and Clam enter]

Lazlo: [waking up] Hey, guys. You bring back any pancakes?

Raj: No time for flapjack talk, Lazlo. Clam is going on the lam!

Lazlo: [sitting up] He's what?

Raj: He stirred himself up a mess of trouble. Our friend Clam has become an outlaw!

Lumpus: Get a rope.

Slinkman: Sir?

Lumpus: We'll need one to get the bus out.

Slinkman: Oh, yeah, right.

Lumpus: [playing the keytar] Let me tell you about a dude... [murmuring while playing] ...who can be a bit... [key line] ...rude. He'll get you some.... [pause]

Slinkman: Food.

Lumpus: FOOD! And maybe a...hot dog or something. [stops playing the keytar] ALL RIGHT, HE'S OUTLAW! LUMPUS ALRIGHT, ME?! [the Bean Scouts looked puzzled] HERE COMES THE BRIDGE! YEAH!

Penny for Your Dung / Baby Bean [5.04]

Lazlo: Now, we've got to decide what to do about Chip and Skip. If they're not stopped, they may destroy the whole world.

Samson: But what can we do?

Edward: We can hit them! It's always worked for me!

Lazlo: Let's try to think of something nonviolent.

Edward: Then I got nothing.

Lazlo: Chip? Skip? Are you guys down there? [Chip pops out of the hole] Where's the other one?

Skip: [pops out of Chip's mouth] This better be good.

Chip: Let's see, what do you think?

Skip: [examines the penny] Hmm, not bad... [Chip starts to smile] ...But not good. [Chip frowns] It's a fake!

Lazlo: What? But, how do you know?

Chip: Our penny had a picture of Abraham Lincoln on it.

Lazlo: That penny has a picture of Abraham Lincoln on it.

Chip: Our Abraham Lincoln had an eyepatch.

Skip: And a Banjo.

[Lazlo's eyes roll crazy and his head explodes]

Chip: Keep you're phoniness penny [gives the headless Lazlo back the penny]

Skip: How dumb those he think we are?

Chip: But you can't have a funeral until the search is called off.

Lazlo: It was called off this morning.

Skip: Who called it off?

Lazlo: President Frankenstien...

Dave: [as President Frankenstien] I'm sorry for your loss.

Skip: I'm okay!

Chip: I'm not!

Clam: What if he goes poopie? [Baby Raj releases a loud fart as he messes his diaper] Too late.

Slinkman: Oh, it looks like it's a baby.

Lumpus: A what?

Slinkman: Well, a baby is like a little person, who will one day grow up to be a big person.

Lumpus: Sweet mother of science, what will they think of next?

Raj: Now that was weird.

Lumpus: Son?

Raj: I think I'm going now.

Lumpus: Going but where?

Raj: Back to camp and outdoor living. I am through with gadgets.

Bad Luck Be a Camper Tonight / Step Clam [5.05]

Lazlo: [enters the Fava cabin] Good morning, every-- [surprised and horrified at Samson's appearance] Whoa! What happened to Samson?

Ping-Pong: You know that freak paper-cut accident he had at the post office yesterday?

Lazlo: Don't tell my he's allergic to paper.

Ping-Pong: Uh-huh.

Nurse Leslie: Talk about bad luck.

Lazlo: Can I help you?

Larrison: [carrying a box of letters] I need to mail some letters. But I can't lick the envelopes. [points to his short tongue, clicking it]

Almondine: Gretchen? GRETCHEN!

Gretchen: Look, Almondine, I already told you, the Wingnut Sisterhood Club is an exclusive club!

Almondine: Uhh… What makes it exclusive?

Gretchen: What do you got?

Almondine: Well, um… Oh! I can spot a mouse from 3 miles and can write with both hands!

Gretchen: Then we're exclusive of ambidextrous birds of prey. Now, SCRAM!

Gretchen: What about you, Nina? What crazy things has your younger sib done?

Nina: [sobbing in protest] NO, I'M NOT! I'M NOT AN ONLY CHILD! [runs off into the woods, bawling]

[After Nina runs off into the forest, crying]

Squirrel: Why is it that campers always run into the forest when they get upset?

S is for Crazy / Samson Needs a Hug [5.06]

Lumpus: [grabs Wilbert by the collar] DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

Wilbert: No!

Lumpus: I'M BORED! And you call yourself a doctor?!

Wilbert: Uh, no, actually I don't--

Lumpus: Nobody does anything exciting anymore! Look at these kids! They don't do anything! Look out there. This camp is all played out.

Raj: Lazlo, call on line two.

Lazlo: Hi, caller. Do you have a request?

Samson: [through tin can phone; sobbing sadly] Yes. I request an explanation. [in the bathroom stall; tearing up] Why am I so lonely?! [cries]

Lazlo: Caller? You seem to have a serious case of the blues.

Samson: You think?

Edward: [as Lazlo hugs him] Lazlo… What…are…you doing?

Lazlo: I'm hugging you, Edward.

Milt: [offended] Meatloaf again? [Lazlo comes up and hugs him tightly]

Ted: [playing a game of chess with Mort] King me! [Lazlo comes up and hugs Mort tightly]

Wedding Bell Blues / O Brother, Who Art Thou [5.07]

Lumpus: We have a tradition to our family, Jane.

Slinkman: These are Edward's big brothers.

Peace Frog / Lumpus's Last Stand [5.08]

Lumpus: [relaxing on a lawn chair while enjoying his coffee] You going to tell me what you want or are you just going to stare?

[The scene cuts to the Bean Scouts holding bags of dirty clothes cause it's laundry day today]

Slinkman: It's laundry day, sir.

Lumpus: Cancel it. [stares angrily at Slinkman]

Slinkman: No can do, [opens a green book and flipped through the pages of how Lumpus cancels laundry day so many times] you've cancelled it so many times that there's only one more page left in the calendar.

Lumpus: Oh, really? Let me see. [rips a page out of the book and sees it] Mmm-hmm. Hmm. [crumbles the page, dip it a coffee and eats it. Then he drinks the coffee] Ahh!

[Slinkman glares at Lumpus]

Lumpus: Don't be a sucker, Slinky. Laundry is the biggest waste of time there is. Why if it weren't for the laundry, we'd have time to solve world hunger and invent time travel.

Slinkman: Or sleep all day on a lawn chair?

Lumpus: Oh, okay! [fall fast asleep on a lawn chair]

Slinkman: [shows Lumpus the children who are wearing dirty clothes] And what about the children? [off-screen] They've been wearing the same filthy clothes for weeks.

Lumpus: [wakes up] Well, when I'm feeling less than fresh, I simply turn my clothes inside out and let the breeze clean them.

[Green filthy gas from Lumpus' unclean bean scout uniform pops out and destroys everything from Camp Kidney. Lumpus smells his uniform and knows it needs to get washed]

Lumpus: [looks himself through the mirror] Well, I am either a lunatic or the greatest genius the world has ever known.

[After the Bean Scouts throw away their clothes; Lumpus is giving them an announcement]

Lumpus: Listen up, Beans, Say goodbye to those cotton-poly prisons called clothes. Today we break the time wasting Saul washing cycle of wash, wear and repeat, For I, Algonquin C. Genius, have invented a uniform that can be worn around the clock and never needs washing.

Beans Scouts: [off-screen] Yeah!

[Lumpus takes out some red paint]

Lumpus: Who wants to try one on?

Edward: Does it have to be a Bean Scout uniform?

Lumpus: Not at all, choose any style you like.

[Edward uses blue paint and paints himself a tuxedo, and a hat which he puts on his head. Lazlo uses green paint and paints himself invisible. Chip and Skip use brown paint and paint themselves some Bean Scout uniforms and add some faces to the backs of their heads]

Chip and Skip: Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

[Samson uses pink paint and paints himself a ballerina costume and added tutu. He twirls like a ballerina. Meanwhile, the Owl Cop drives his bicycle and stops at Camp Kidney. He use his binoculars and sees Dave, Ping Pong and Harold making painted clothes]

Owl Cop: [off-screen] Huh? [on-screen] Uhh... [went to talk to Lumpus] Mister, what in Bob's bingo is going on here?

Lumpus: Umm, what does it look like?

Owl Cop: Like a bunch of folks wearing paint instead of clothes. [Lumpus has an unhappy expression] What color do you have?

Lumpus: [as he finishes painting the cop's clothes] And that should about...do it.

Owl Cop: Oh man, that's perfect.

Lumpus: Kiss those dry cleaning bills goodbye.

Owl Cop: You got any bicycle paint? [later, after Lumpus turns the cop's bicycle into a motorcycle] Oh man, I'm telling all my friends about this! [drives away]

[The last scene of the series]

Lumpus: Let me just start by saying how surprised I am. Surprised you have an honor to be sooner I mean I was telling people that I've been a genius for years. But perhaps I am not here to point fingers. [suddenly, rain clouds appear in the sky] There are some people that I like to thank for helping me. [the thunder's rumble is heard] Oh no, wait! I did it all myself. [laughs hysterically as the lightning crashes. Then it begins to rain washing all of the people's painted clothes off] Yes, that's me, the exulted one. Worship me of the universe. [laughs hysterically as the rain washes his painted clothes off. The rain stops and he looks down] DAH!

Owl Cop: [gasps] Hey! He's naked... [looks down]

[All of the Prickly Pines citizens begin panicking. Tarson grabs one of the citizens to cover his naked body. The two green moose walk away from each other and Lazlo and the Bean Scouts feel uncomfortable]

Owl Cop: [to Lumpus while covering his naked body] Now what are we going to do? We destroyed our clothes!

Lumpus: Yeah? So is that a bad thing?

Professor Lion: It's a disaster! And you're the crazy person. [walks away] We never should've listened to you.

[The citizens tell Lumpus that he's no genius at all. Suddenly the statue of Lumpus from the future disintegrates turning back into everyone's clothes who haven't been washed in a thousand years]

Lumpus: [gasps] NO!

[The two green moose from the future turn into present day guys losing their antlers and becoming very thin and skinny]

Futuristic Moose 1: Well, there goes the future.

Futuristic Moose 2: Hey, I'm starving.

Futuristic Moose 1: Let's go back to the future and grab a bite.

[They both go into the time machine]

Owl Cop: Quick, let's get them clothes on!

[The citizens put their stinky clothes on]

Prickly Pine citizen: [groans in disgust] They stink.

Owl Cop: Well, they haven't been washed in a thousand years! THANKS A LOT, GENIUS!

[The citizens run towards Lumpus until they hear the police siren from the distance. The police car and the hospital van come to a stop. The real scoutmaster, a steer, and the police officer step out of the police car]

Real Scoutmaster: Uh-huh, uh-huh! [points up to Lumpus] That's him, officer! That's the bad moose who locked me in the closet all summer and stole my job as scoutmaster! [to Slinkman and the Bean Scouts] He fooled all of you! He's an impostor, a fake, and worse… He is no scoutmaster of Camp Kidney!

Bean Scouts: [shocked] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Lumpus: [defensively] Yeah, so?! [a hospital guard walks up to Lumpus] What are you doing? [the hospital guard puts a straitjacket on him] Get your hands off of me! [the hospital guard then picks him up and walks off with him] I'll get you for this, cow!

Real Scoutmaster: [takes his real hat from Lumpus and puts it back on] Steer!

Lumpus: I'm a genius, you know! [the hospital guard drives off with him] I'M A GENIUS!

[Lazlo, Raj, Clam, Samson and Edward are standing around naked]

Lazlo: Goodbye, Scoutmaster Lumpus! Get some rest! Boy, what a happy ending.

Edward: Lazlo, we're standing here in Prickly Pines naked, and the moose we thought was our scoutmaster had just got hauled off as a deranged lunatic to a funny farm.

Lazlo: Yeah! What a great summer! Whoo! I can't wait for next year!

[Everyone walks off-screen, leaving Samson behind]

Samson: [unimpressed] Okay. I think it's just officially got to the point where it can't get any weirder. [then walks off-screen and joins the others as the scene fades to black]

[The last credits of the series; Lumpus's car keys falls into the house of a fish family in Leaky Lake]

Stanley: [notices Lumpus's car keys] Hey, Helen! Look what fell from the roof! It's a sign from the heavens of male superiority!

Helen: [off-screen] That's nice, Stanley, but can you take out the garbage now?

[The last of the keys falls down]

Stanley: [last line of the series; unhappy] Uh, yeah...okay.

[The scene cuts to Cartoon Network Studios logo and then fades to black, ending the episode and the series]

Film

Main article: Camp Lazlo: Where's Lazlo?

Voice cast

Carlos Alazraqui as Lazlo and Clam.
Tom Kenny as Scoutmaster Lumpus and Mr. Slinkman.
Jeff Bennett as Raj, Samson, Commander Hoo-Ha and Harold.
Mr. Lawrence as Edward, Dave and Ping-Pong.
Steve Little as Chip, Skip and the Lemmings.
Tara Strong as Honey, Amber, Toodie, Suzie and Rachel.
Jodi Benson as Patsy Smiles, Jane Doe, Almondine and Navy Turtle.
Jill Talley as Nina Neckerly, Gretchen and Ms. Mucus.
Gianna Bruzzese as Terrifield
Gwen Stefani as Pineapple Klein.

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Camp Lazlo