Cats & Dogs
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- [sees Lou reaching for a big red button] [Lou: Hey, what's this?] Heel! That's the big button! You don't just press the big button!
- How could this have happened?! [Monitor: It was an accident. He slipped through.] You promised me a professional! And what do I get?! A puppy! I mean, he's still got his you-know-whats, for crying out loud! [Monitor: There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion. Out.]
- Son of my mom!
- Cats rule!
- I'm sure you're all asking, "How can we possibly spread the allergy to the world?" So if you open your world domination pamphlets to page 3, I will show you. [mice and cats get their pamphlets, and turn to page 3.] [Mr. Tinkles clears his throat.] You are to enter into the sewers and with the maps in appendix B, you'll cross the nation. Half of you invade homes infecting every human in sight, while the other half...[pausing for second] Uh, turn the page. [the mice and other cats do so as Tinkles continues] ...will stow away on planes, boats, trains, submarines and dirigibles that lead to every corner of the world. And with dogs out of the way, cats will overthrow the humans and you'll be given your much-deserved reward: 16 pounds of Monterrey Jack and the continent of Australia!
- [Pretending to be Mr. Mason] Attention. [Loud interference from the microphone] OW! Attention, human workers. This is your employer, Mr. Mason. Effective immediately, you are all fired. That's right, fired! Go home now. Do not ask why. You have no one to blame but yourselves. Unless you have a dog. Then you can blame him. In fact, you know what? Kick him, wake him. That is all. [closes the blinds as he laughs, and opens them again briefly.] Cats rule! [closes the blinds again] And now for the next phase of my brilliant plan!
- Hello, my puny-minded dog-faced opponents. I'm sure you're wondering to yourselves who it is that will defeat you. Who it is that possesses the intellect to win at this chess game of wits and might. It is I! [evilly laughs] Meow-meow! Recognize these humans? [showing the dogs the Brodys, all bound and blindfolded] If you ever want to see them alive again, you are to bring the formula and all notes regarding Professor Brody's research to the 9th Street pier at midnight. If you refuse, well, they...will be put to sleep! [Lou whimpers in shock.] Hold the camera still, idiot! You have until midnight to comply!
- Evil does not wear a bonnet!
- The puppy won't survive the night. Send in the ninjas.
- [Repeated line, last said when he is living with Sophie and her sisters, being made to try on numerous colorful costumes and outfits before the credits] This can't be happening.
- [to the mice] You have nothing to fear but mousetraps! And, well, me.
- I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble! [spits out hairball]
- [Looking at the door to Mr. Brody's lab] Hmph! Piece of junk American door. [setting explosives on the door to Mr. Brody's lab] I cannot believe I do this job at half price. And that Tinkles he is jerk. He talk too much and shed all over.
- [Watching Lou spin through the air after being hit by the Russian's boomerang] Hmm. A flying dog.
- [Fighting with Lou] You fight like a poodle.
- [last words; being interrogated] I will tell you nothing! [laughs] I may look cute and cuddly, but inside, granite!
- Lou: I was just thinking - if I'm gonna to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation."
- Peek: Nah, he's a pro-wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.
- Lou: All right, then. "Doom Machine" it is.
- Butch: Hey! You can call yourself "Squicky the Space-Dog" for all I care. [Sam and Peak snicker] But that don't make your behind a rocket pack. You are not an agent, but you are gonna help us.
- Ninja Cat Leader: On my mark! 3! 2! 1!
- Ninja Cat Team and Leader: BANZAI!
- [The Ninjas drop from the planes and deploy their parachutes after several seconds of freefall]
- Mr. Tinkles: [after Sophie leaves; angrily] Evil does not wear BONNET!!
- Calico: [emerging from trash bin] Comin' out, is she gone?
- Mr. Tinkles: [shakes his head] Urgh! Did Genghis Khan ever wear a bonnet? No. Attila the Hun? I don't think so. But he did wear a furry hat. Maybe a black bonnet? Uh, yes? Huh? No? Okay. Ahem. [lifts top of serving plate] The ninjas failed, and failure is unacceptable! [drops top of serving plate] If they ever show their faces again, [examines a roll] you know what to do.
- Calico: Yes. Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding. Hello? Joke?
- Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] This can't be happening. [angrily] I want them ELIMINATED! [slams his fist on the end table]
- Calico: Bu-but they, they did manage to bug the phone. You know, maybe we can look at the glass as half-full. [Mr. Tinkles growls and throws the roll at Calico] Ow! Th-that's what I like to do.
- Mr. Tinkles: Huh, putting a happy face on things, I see. What an interesting philosophy. At what point did you forget that WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?! [thunder claps loudly] The clock is ticking, and our margin for error is slight! Tomorrow, you will send in...the Russian.
- Mr. Brody: [on tape] Hi. Uh, doctor, the cure for dog allergies? Success, done!
- Doctor: [sneezes] Fantastic. Send it to me tomorrow, and I'll have our guys verify it.
- Mr. Brody: I will. I'll send it, [Doctor sneezes] first thing in the morning. God bless you.
- Mr. Tinkles: [stops the tape] This is unacceptable! If we do not act immediately, that work will be out of my reach forever! You know what that means?
- Calico: [confused] Huh? What? Oh. Who, me?
- Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] Were you not paying attention?
- Calico: Not really. Are you mad?
- Mr. Tinkles: YES! I AM MAD!
- Calico: [ducks from Mr. Tinkles' paw] Whoa!
- Mr. Tinkles You little bug of an imbecile!
- Mr. Tinkles: As for you, Brody herd, I have a very, very, special...[Reaches into a box on the desk, and pulls out cork gun] gift! [angrily] WHAT?!
- Scott: Whoa!
- Mr. Tinkles: I thought I told you to buy a real gun!
- Calico: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- Mr. Tinkles: Ohh! What possible use could I have for this?! [Throws the cork gun, firing the cork, breaking things and setting the room on fire] Hey. I'm so clever. [Starts to leave] You know this is? Yeah, this is just plain fun, yeah. [to Calico] I want you to stay here.
- Calico: Why?
- Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you. [Closes the door, leaving Calico locked inside]
- Calico: [Begins pawing desperately at the door] No! NO! NOOO! HELP! NO! LET ME OUT!
- Sam: Sir, request permission to pant heavily, sir!
- Butch: Granted.
- Lou: Hey, you stupid cat!
- Peek: That'll get his attention.
- Peek: The book says cut the red wire.
- Butch: We're dogs. We're color blind!
- Scotty: Loser.
- Lou: Cat person.
- Butch: Hold on a second, kid.
- Lou: No!
- Butch: Hold it!
- Lou: Hey, they can't do this! You should've fought for me! For my family!
- Butch: Why? What good would it do?
- Lou: What about "Man's Best Friend"? History 101, remember?
- Butch: Okay, well, here's lesson number 2: We protect them. We work for them. We tolerate their stupid "boochy-boochy" baby-talk crap. AND FOR WHAT?! So when they go off to college, they dump you with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as BREAKING HER HIP! [He starts walking away]
- Lou: Is that what happened to you? [Butch stops] You gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?
- Butch: [looks at Lou, shocked; walks to the fence-door] Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down. [fence-door closes]
- Tobey Maguire - Lou
- Alec Baldwin - Butch
- Joe Pantoliano - Peek
- Michael Clarke Duncan - Sam
- Susan Sarandon - Ivy
- Sean Hayes - Mr. Tinkles
- Jon Lovitz - Calico