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Cats & Dogs

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Cats & Dogs is a 2001 film directed by Lawrence Guterman about the ancient relationship between cats and dogs. It has a 2010 sequel Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

Dialogue

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Butch: How could this have happened?!
Control: It was an accident. He slipped through.
Butch: You promised me a professional! And what do I get?! A puppy! I mean, he's still got his you-know-whats, for crying out loud!
Control: There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion. Out.
[After the failed attempt to blow Lou up with a bomb disguised as a dog treat]
Mr. Tinkles: So tell me, one of you - is the dog out of the way? Did the puppy fall for my clever trap, hmm? None of you have a tale to tell, hmm? A little story for me, perhaps? [to Calico] You! Tell me! Is the game afoot?
Calico: Err... yes?
Mr. Tinkles: WHY IS THE GAME AFOOT?! [lightning flashes]
Calico: I-I mean-- I mean, no!
Mr. Tinkles: Ah, excellent. So the puppy is dead. Now we can move onto--
Calico: Wait, wait, err... can I change my answer?
Mr. Tinkles: Is the puppy alive or not?!
Calico: Well, a-another dog told him it was a bomb.
Mr. Tinkles: Another dog?
Calico: Anyway, I'm sure we'll get into the basement lab just fine. Right, guys? [silence] Guys! [the other cats at the meeting voice their agreement] See? Project Dark Cloud should go down without a hitch--
Mr. Tinkles: "Dark Cloud"? Is that what I'm calling my plan?! "Dark Cloud"?!
Calico: Not that I know of! Err, what were you calling it...?
Cat: [from offscreen] "Dark Storm"!
Calico: "Storm"!
Mr. Tinkles: "Dark Storm," yes, yes. Because like a powerful dark storm, I will make my presence known to the world! Like a seeping mist, I will creep into the dogs' centre of power, and make them quake in fear AT THE VERY MENTION OF MY NAME!
Sophie the Maid: [entering the room] Oh, Mr. Tinkles?
Mr. Tinkles: AAAH! Hide! [the other cats retreat under the table]
Lou: I was just thinking - if I'm gonna to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation".
Peek: Nah, he's a pro-wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.
Lou: All right, then. "Doom Machine" it is.
Butch: Hey! You can call yourself "Squicky the Space-Dog" for all I care. [Sam and Peak snicker] But that don't make your behind a rocket pack! You are not an agent, but you are gonna help us.
[After being given a bath by Sophia]
Mr. Tinkles: When I rule the Earth, you will be the first on my list!
Calico: [chuckles, hiding behind a toilet] You should keep your hair like that, it's very slimming.
Mr. Tinkles: There's plenty of room on that list for you.
Calico: [emerging] No, I mean it.
Mr. Tinkes: [growls] We only have a few days to succeed, and although playing pet for that sick old man upstairs is key to my ingenious scheme, I cannot stand this humiliation any longer! Am I clear?!
Ninja Cat Leader: On my mark! 3! 2! 1!
Ninja Cat Team and Leader: BANZAI!
[The Ninjas drop from the planes and deploy their parachutes after several seconds of freefall]
Ivy: Hey, can I show you something terrific? [leaps into the skip and tosses out a roast chicken] The Brodys have the best garbage on the block! Go on, take a bite!
Lou: [tasting the chicken] Oh my... whoa! You mean this is what they get to eat? What a gyp!
Ivy: Mmm, glad I'm not the only one excited about the chicken. I was beginning to think I've been a stray too long.
Lou: Stray? Cool... I've never met a stray. [chuckles nervously]
Ivy: Actually, I prefer "domestically challenged."
Lou: [trying to sound tough] Well, Miss Challenged, I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave! My orders are clear! I am not gonna permit--
Ivy: [jumps down in front of him] Orders?
Lou: That's right! I'm a secret agent!
Ivy: [amused] An agent? Why, you're a little small for an agent. Shouldn't you be busy having fun?
Lou: I don't have time for fun!
Ivy: Ooh, tough guy... [she tickles his neck and belly, making him roll over in pleasure] Stop with the agent stuff, okay? You have your very own kid to play with. Don't take it for granted. [starts to leave]
Lou: Whoa... Hey, where you going? Could you do that again?
Ivy: Next time the boy talks to you, just tilt your head and perk up your ears. You'll see what I'm talking about. And do me a favour - tell Butch Ivy's back in town.
Mr. Tinkles: [after Sophie leaves; angrily] Evil does not wear a BONNET!
Calico: [emerging from trash bin] Comin' out, is she gone?
Mr. Tinkles: [shakes his head] Urgh! Did Genghis Khan ever wear a bonnet? No. Attila the Hun? I don't think so. But he did wear a furry hat. Maybe a black bonnet? Uh, yes? Huh? No? Okay. Ahem. [lifts top of serving plate] The ninjas failed, and failure is unacceptable! [drops top of serving plate] If they ever show their faces again, [examines a roll] you know what to do.
Calico: Yes. Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding. Hello? Joke?
Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] This can't be happening. [angrily] I want them ELIMINATED! [slams his fist on the end table]
Calico: Bu-but they, they did manage to bug the phone. You know, maybe we can look at the glass as half-full. [Mr. Tinkles growls and throws the roll at Calico] Ow! Th-that's what I like to do.
Mr. Tinkles: Huh, putting a happy face on things, I see. What an interesting philosophy. At what point did you forget that WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?! [thunder claps loudly] The clock is ticking, and our margin for error is slight! Tomorrow, you will send in...the Russian.
Lou: [After Mrs. Brody brings home a Russian Blue kitten] I'm onto you kitty, and you're in big trouble.
Russian Blue: [Deep, male Russian voice] I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble.
[Lou barks. The Russian Blue then hacks up a large metal fur ball.]
Lou: Ugh, yuck!
[The Russian Blue opens the ball, dropping a pile of dog feces.]
Russian Blue: From Russia with love...
Lou: Uh-oh...
Russian Blue: ...stealth poop.
[Mrs. Brody walks in and gasps at the sight. Cut to the outside of the backyard, where she drops him off.]
Mrs. Brody: I don't have time for this. Bad dog!
Mr. Brody: [on tape] Hi. Uh, doctor, the cure for dog allergies? Success, done!
Doctor: [sneezes] Fantastic. Send it to me tomorrow, and I'll have our guys verify it.
Mr. Brody: I will. I'll send it, [Doctor sneezes] first thing in the morning. God bless you.
Mr. Tinkles: [stops the tape] This is unacceptable! If we do not act immediately, that work will be out of my reach forever! You know what that means?
Calico: [confused] Huh? What? Oh. Who, me?
Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] Were you not paying attention?
Calico: Not really. Are you mad?
Mr. Tinkles: YES! I AM MAD!
Calico: [ducks from Mr. Tinkles' paw] Whoa!
Mr. Tinkles You little bug of an imbecile!
Sam: Sir, request permission to pant heavily, sir!
Butch: Granted.
Lou: Hey, you stupid cat!
Peek: That'll get his attention.
Peek: The book says cut the red wire.
Butch: We're dogs. We're colorblind!
Scotty: Loser.
Lou: Cat person.
Butch: Hold on a second, kid.
Lou: No!
Butch: Hold it!
Lou: Hey, they can't do this! You should've fought for me! For my family!
Butch: Why? What good would it do?
Lou: What about "Man's Best Friend"? History 101, remember?
Butch: Okay, well, here's lesson number 2: We protect them. We work for them. We tolerate their stupid "boochy-boochy" baby-talk crap. AND FOR WHAT?! So when they go off to college, they dump you with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as BREAKING HER HIP! [He starts walking away]
Lou: Is that what happened to you? [Butch stops] You're gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?
Butch: [looks at Lou, shocked; walks to the fence-door] Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down. [fence-door closes]
Ivy: Hey, Butch, I heard what happened. How's Lou?
Butch: I told him not to get attached to the boy.
Ivy: Sure. An agent keeps his mind on the mission and nothing else. That's why my family didn't love me, Butch.
Butch: We all have our sob stories. Now, he has his.
Mr. Tinkles: [over the phone, in a taunting "nyah nyah" sing-song] Meow-meow-me-meow-meow! How many dogs does it take to overthrow mankind? Just one stupid puppy.
Lou: Where is my family?!
Mr. Tinkles: Oh, they're alive... for now. But it won't matter. You see, I've--
[The limousine Tinkles is riding in swerves, sending him sliding and slamming into the side]
Mr. Tinkles: THIS ISN'T NASCAR, YOU IDIOT! [clears throat] I have seized the professor's formula, and in a mere hour I will reverse it, giving me the power to make all humans allergic to dogs!
Butch: What?!
[The limousine swerves again, sending Tinkles sliding into the other side]
Mr. Tinkles: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GLOAT GLEEFULLY WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING LIKE A CHIMPANZEE?!? I MEAN, REALLY! [clears throat again] Now I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your wretched kind, and when you are all hated and despised by those you protect, you will be CAST OUT, leaving me to lead all of cat-kind in a glorious revolution to conquer the world! [laughs evilly]
Lou: What will we do?
Butch: "We"? You just handed the world back to the cats and doomed the human race forever! There's nothing left to do.
Ivy: [approaches wearing high-tech equipment] You always give up too easily, Butch.
Butch: Is that what I think it is?
Lou: What, Butch?
Ivy: Yep, it's the Cat Tracker 2000.
[A beacon is shown to be planted on the limousine]
Mr. Tinkles: Those fleabags must be running for the hills! [chuckles]
Calico: Yeah, I... yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Mr. Tinkles: As for you, Brody herd, I have a very, very, special...[Reaches into a box on the desk, and pulls out cork gun] gift! [angrily] WHAT?!?
Scott: Whoa!
Mr. Tinkles: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BUY A REAL GUN!
Calico: Yeah, that's what I was thinking...
Mr. Tinkles: Ohh! What possible use could I have for THIS?! [Throws the cork gun, firing the cork, breaking things and setting the room on fire] Hey, I'm so clever. [Starts to leave] You know, this is... yeah, this is just plain fun, yeah. [to Calico] I want you to stay here.
Calico: Why?
Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you. [closes the door, leaving Calico locked inside]
Calico: [begins pawing desperately at the door] No! NO! NOOO! HELP! NO! LET ME OUT!
Mr. Tinkles: In just hours, every human in the world will be allergic to dogs! But such a mammoth plot requires brothers-in-arms - and this is where my genius truly comes to pass. For I have chosen a comrade that can invade every home in the world... because it is already in every home in the world! MICE!
Butch: Son of my mom!
Mr. Tinkles: Mice! The unlikeliest of allies! Thousands of you, covered in concentrated dog allergy! I'm sure you're all asking, "How can he possibly spread the allergy to the world?" So if you'll open your World Domination pamphlets to page three, I'll tell you.
[The army of cats and mice all open their pamphlets and read]
Mr. Tinkles: [clears throat] You are to enter into the sewers and, using the maps provided in Appendix B, you will make your way across the nation. Half of you will infiltrate homes, infecting every human in sight, while the other half... err, turn the page.
[They all do so]
Mr. Tinkes: ...will stow away on planes, boats and dirigibles to infect every corner of the world! And with the dogs out of the way, cats will overthrow the humans, and you will be given your much deserved reward: SIXTEEN POUNDS OF MONTERY JACK, AND THE CONTINENT OF AUSTRALIA!
[Sophie is taking Mr. Tinkles home after his failed attempt to take over the world.]
Sophie: That's right, Mr. Tinkles, you have been a very bad kitty! I'm just going to have to teach you how to behave. Now, you'll just have to live with me... [Entering the house...] ...and my sisters!
[All of Sophie's sisters, who are also all maids, excitedly scream and run to the door to see Mr. Tinkles. The movie ends with them dressing him up in ridiculous little outfits, much to his humiliation.]
Mr. Tinkles: [Closing line] This can't be happening.

Cast

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Voices

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