Cats & Dogs
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Cats & Dogs is a 2001 film directed by Lawrence Guterman about the ancient relationship between cats and dogs. It has a 2010 sequel Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.
Dialogue[edit]
- Lou: I was just thinking - if I'm gonna to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation."
- Peek: Nah, he's a pro-wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.
- Lou: All right, then. "Doom Machine" it is.
- Butch: Hey! You can call yourself "Squicky the Space-Dog" for all I care. [Sam and Peak snicker] But that don't make your behind a rocket pack. You are not an agent, but you are gonna help us.
- Ninja Cat Leader: On my mark! 3! 2! 1!
- Ninja Cat Team and Leader: BANZAI!
- [The Ninjas drop from the planes and deploy their parachutes after several seconds of freefall]
- Mr. Tinkles: [after Sophie leaves; angrily] Evil does not wear a BONNET!!
- Calico: [emerging from trash bin] Comin' out, is she gone?
- Mr. Tinkles: [shakes his head] Urgh! Did Genghis Khan ever wear a bonnet? No. Attila the Hun? I don't think so. But he did wear a furry hat. Maybe a black bonnet? Uh, yes? Huh? No? Okay. Ahem. [lifts top of serving plate] The ninjas failed, and failure is unacceptable! [drops top of serving plate] If they ever show their faces again, [examines a roll] you know what to do.
- Calico: Yes. Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding. Hello? Joke?
- Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] This can't be happening. [angrily] I want them ELIMINATED! [slams his fist on the end table]
- Calico: Bu-but they, they did manage to bug the phone. You know, maybe we can look at the glass as half-full. [Mr. Tinkles growls and throws the roll at Calico] Ow! Th-that's what I like to do.
- Mr. Tinkles: Huh, putting a happy face on things, I see. What an interesting philosophy. At what point did you forget that WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?! [thunder claps loudly] The clock is ticking, and our margin for error is slight! Tomorrow, you will send in...the Russian.
- Mr. Brody: [on tape] Hi. Uh, doctor, the cure for dog allergies? Success, done!
- Doctor: [sneezes] Fantastic. Send it to me tomorrow, and I'll have our guys verify it.
- Mr. Brody: I will. I'll send it, [Doctor sneezes] first thing in the morning. God bless you.
- Mr. Tinkles: [stops the tape] This is unacceptable! If we do not act immediately, that work will be out of my reach forever! You know what that means?
- Calico: [confused] Huh? What? Oh. Who, me?
- Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] Were you not paying attention?
- Calico: Not really. Are you mad?
- Mr. Tinkles: YES! I AM MAD!
- Calico: [ducks from Mr. Tinkles' paw] Whoa!
- Mr. Tinkles You little bug of an imbecile!
- Mr. Tinkles: As for you, Brody herd, I have a very, very, special...[Reaches into a box on the desk, and pulls out cork gun] gift! [angrily] WHAT?!
- Scott: Whoa!
- Mr. Tinkles: I thought I told you to buy a real gun!
- Calico: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- Mr. Tinkles: Ohh! What possible use could I have for this?! [Throws the cork gun, firing the cork, breaking things and setting the room on fire] Hey. I'm so clever. [Starts to leave] You know this is? Yeah, this is just plain fun, yeah. [to Calico] I want you to stay here.
- Calico: Why?
- Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you. [Closes the door, leaving Calico locked inside]
- Calico: [Begins pawing desperately at the door] No! NO! NOOO! HELP! NO! LET ME OUT!
- Sam: Sir, request permission to pant heavily, sir!
- Butch: Granted.
- Lou: Hey, you stupid cat!
- Peek: That'll get his attention.
- Peek: The book says cut the red wire.
- Butch: We're dogs. We're color blind!
- Scotty: Loser.
- Lou: Cat person.
- Butch: Hold on a second, kid.
- Lou: No!
- Butch: Hold it!
- Lou: Hey, they can't do this! You should've fought for me! For my family!
- Butch: Why? What good would it do?
- Lou: What about "Man's Best Friend"? History 101, remember?
- Butch: Okay, well, here's lesson number 2: We protect them. We work for them. We tolerate their stupid "boochy-boochy" baby-talk crap. AND FOR WHAT?! So when they go off to college, they dump you with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as BREAKING HER HIP! [He starts walking away]
- Lou: Is that what happened to you? [Butch stops] You gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?
- Butch: [looks at Lou, shocked; walks to the fence-door] Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down. [fence-door closes]
- Ivy: Hey, Butch, I heard what happened. How's Lou?
- Butch: I told him not to get attached to the boy.
- Ivy: Sure. An agent keeps his mind on the mission and nothing else. That's why my family didn't love me, Butch.
- Butch: We all have our sob stories. Now, he has his.
Cast[edit]
- Jeff Goldblum - Professor Brody
- Elizabeth Perkins - Mrs. Brody
- Alexander Pollock - Scotty Brody
Voices[edit]
- Tobey Maguire - Lou
- Alec Baldwin - Butch
- Joe Pantoliano - Peek
- Michael Clarke Duncan - Sam
- Susan Sarandon - Ivy
- Sean Hayes - Mr. Tinkles
- Jon Lovitz - Calico