Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is the 2009 American film adaptation of the Vampire Blood trilogy of the book series The Saga of Darren Shan by author Darren Shan.
- [Interrupting Darren and Steve as they fight] That's enough, boys.
- If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go! Wait... my bad, it's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live!
- [Introducing himself at the show] Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I am so excited to be here in an anonymous small town that used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slum. [Awkward silence in the audience] It really is a pleasure to be here. And I am SO honoured that bla bla bla and so on and so forth and excetera adnosium.
- Now boys, vampires don't exist, but if one did, and he thought someone knew, he might smother them in their sleep.
- [After Darren enters his room and turns on the light] Nice room. Some excellent reading material you have here. Thought this was on the internet now.
- Mr. Tall: [Whisper kind of voice] Are you boys 21? Are you 21?... Say yes!
- Darren Shan: Yeah.
- Steve: Yes.
- Mr. Tall: [Same whisper voice] Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!
- Darren Shan: No.
- Steve: Nope. [shakes head]
- Mr. Tall: Good, go right in, the show is about to start.
- Larten Crepsley: Now, are you mentally unfit? Didn't you hear me threaten you at the show?
- Steve: I did. It was awesome. You see, I want this. I want you to make me into a vampire. Vampires- they don't take crap from anybody. They live by their own set of rules.
- Larten Crepsley: It's true; they do have their own rules. We wrote some of them.
- Gavner Purl: And one of those rules is: "Children can't become vampires."
- Steve: Look- blood! [Holds out a small cut on his hand]
- Larten Crepsley: [Wide-eyed] Blood! You see Gavner! Blood... [Crepsley drops the act and gives Steve a deadpan expression.] Look. If you become a vampire, you have to leave your friends, and your family; it's deeply depressing. Trust me. Now get out of here!
- [Steve is silent for a few moments]
- Steve: I haven't seen my dad in years. My mom's drunk all the time. I absolutely hate my life! I've never actually said it before, but it's the truth. This is what I was meant for.
- Larten Crepsley: What you were meant for? Well, if that's the case, let's test your blood.
- Gavner Purl: Larten...
- [Crepsley tastes some of Steve's blood, but immediately spits it back out.]
- Larten Crepsley: Who sent you here? Your blood tastes of evil. You can never be a vampire.
- Steve: [In disbelief, then anger] What, I have... bad blood? I'm never gonna forget this. One day, I promise you, I will hunt you down-
- Larten Crepsley: And what? Kill me? You know how easily I could kill you. I could do it tonight. I could knock you out, and lay you in front of a bus, and no one would ever know!
- Gavner Purl: Calm down; save that stuff for the enemy! He's just an idiot kid! [Quietly, looking at Steve] Who should be leaving, right now, while he still can.
- [Steve turns and leaves; the instant he is out Gavner kicks the door shut.]
- [Steve is standing on the roof of his high school, contemplating suicide. Looking down, he slips and stumbles back.]
- Mr. Tiny: Careful. The first step is a big one. Oh, I know. You miss- the one known as Darren. You feel betrayed, abandoned- you're a loyal friend. [Pauses] Unlike him.
- Steve: Darren was a loyal friend.
- Mr. Tiny: Oh, really? What if I told you he's still alive? He's taken your place, stealing your dreams! Oh, I know. You dream of killing people, drinking their blood! You dream of leading a great, bloodthirsty army!
- Steve: Who the hell are you?
- Mr. Tiny: I'm Mr. Tiny.
- Steve: Are you a vampire?
- Mr. Tiny: Oh, I'm not a vampire. I'm not a vampeneze. I'm... an aficionado. I want to see a marvelous war!
- Steve: What do you want from me, you freak?
- Mr. Tiny: [Visibly annoyed] Oh, I'm not a freak. I despise freaks! Can a freak travel back and forth between life and death? I think not. Can a freak create new life from rotting flesh and souls? Please! Can a freak bring about the Apocalypse, and rule the world? No. Sadly neither can I. [Looks pointedly at Steve] Not without help.
- Larten Crepsley: You want to stay alive? You haven't been drinking blood yet; I doubt you'd be much good in a fight.
- Darren Shan: Well, what if they hurt someone?
- Larten Crepsley: People can look out for themselves.
- Darren Shan: You've been looking out for me. Why?
- Larten Crepsley: Why? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. Only an idiot would spit in the eye of Mr. Tiny. Because he doesn't just kill people; he brings them back, as well. And when I finally die, I plan on staying dead. Life might be meaningless, but death I still have hope for.
- Darren Shan: Life isn't meaningless.
- Larten Crepsley: Tell me that after two hundred years of it, kid.
- Meet Darren. He's sixteen going on immortal.
- John C. Reilly - Larten Crepsley
- Chris Massoglia - Darren Shan
- Josh Hutcherson - Steve "Leopard" Leonard
- Salma Hayek - Madame Truska
- Jessica Carlson - Rebecca (Monkey Girl)
- Ray Stevenson - Murlough
- Patrick Fugit - Evra Von
- Willem Dafoe - Gavner Purl
- Michael Cerveris - Desmond Tiny (Mr. Destiny)
- Jane Krakowski - Corma Limbs
- Kristen Schaal - Gertha Teeth
- Frank Franson - Rhamus Twobellies
- Jonathan Nosan - Hans Hands
- Tom Woodruff, Jr. - The Wolfman
- Wayne DouglMorgan - Merman
- Blake Nelson Boyd - Mr. Afraid of the Ground Man
- Sam Medina and Gino Galento - Madame Truska's men
- Michael Dean Baker - Mr. Piercing
- Natasha Angelety - Cirque freak
- Nokomis Callender - Cirque freak
- Rose Lamarche - Cirque freak
- Stefanie Oxmann McGaha - Cirque freak
- J. J. Standing III - Cirque "Heavy"
- Ken Watanabe - Mr. Tall