So, okay, you're probably going, "Is this, like, a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.
Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.
[repeated line] As if!
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in Debate?!
Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction.
[arguing her way out of a tardy] Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.
[to Dionne, about Mr. Hall and Miss Geist] Will you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.
[to Elton] You are a snob and a half.
So, okay. I don't wanna be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, c'mon, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants, and take their greasy hair—ew!—and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!
Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
So, okay. The Attorney General says there's too much violence on TV, and that should stop. Even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news. So until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex.
[after she and Josh kiss] Well, you can guess what happened next. [scene changes to Mr. Hall and Miss Geist's wedding] As if! I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.
Travis: I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonald's for spending hours making those Egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.
Amber: [about Tai] She could be a farmer in those clothes.
Tai: Cher, I don't wanna do this anymore. And my buns, they don't feel nothing like steel.
Cher: [looking at Dionne's hat] Shopping with Dr. Seuss?
Dionne: [picks up Cher's backpack] Well, at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.
Cher: It's faux!
Cher: So. Okay. Like, right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not RSVP, so I was, like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day, it was, like, the more the merrier. And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty?
[Class breaks into applause]
Cher: Thank you very much.
Mr. Hall: Uh, Amber? Replying?
Amber: Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.
Cher: Hello?! It was his 50th birthday!
Amber: Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.
Josh: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
Cher: How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees. Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?
Josh: You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is the giving of...
Cher: Excuse me, but I've donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy...
Josh: Time... funds...
Cher: And as soon as I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Josh: Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
Cher: Would you call me selfish?
Dionne: No. Not to your face.
Cher: Ms. Stoeger? I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.
[The other girls cheer]
Ms. Stoeger: Well, you certainly exercised your mouth, Cher. Now, hit the ball.
[Ball flies by, inches from Cher's nose]
Cher: Ms. Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
Ms. Stoeger: Thanks for the legal advice.
Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.
Tai: I could really use some sort of a herbal refreshment.
Dionne: Oh, well, we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.