Community/Season 5
Community (2009–2015) is an American sitcom that premiered on NBC and Yahoo Screen about students at a community college in the fictional city of Greendale, Colorado. The show would run for six seasons on NBC and Yahoo Screen, hence the #sixseasonsandamovie hashtag.
- Abed: A repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season 9 of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.
- Troy: Son of a bitch! After everything Scrubs did for him?
- Annie: Chang was faking his Changnesia?
- Troy: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?
- Shirley: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?
- Abed: That's insane, and I'm Abed.
Introduction to Teaching [5.02]
[edit]- Abed: But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.
- Shirley: You're throwing away all your little movies. Why?
- Abed: They have no value anymore.
- Shirley: Well, if you're looking for something to believe in, I know a skinny little Hebrew handyman you can meet.
Basic Intergluteal Numismatics [5.03]
[edit]- Dean: I am hereby banning change from this campus.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: You really think that's an effective...
- Dean: Well guess what? Your two cents is change, and it's banned.
- Jeff: These are lyrics from songs from Dave.
- Annie: Who?
- Jeff: Dave Matthews... oh, excuse me for being alive in the nineties and having two ears connected to a heart.
Cooperative Polygraphy [5.04]
[edit]- Jeff: [after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?
- Abed: Yes, stop giving it four stars.
- Jeff: I like Liam Neeson.
- Abed: Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.
- Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes. Do you have a special handshake that you only perform with Mr Nadir?
- Troy: Um, Yeah. [Troy and Abed do the handshake]
- Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake?
- Troy: Um ... Yes.
- Polygraph Operator: Lie.
- Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the YouTube channel "Fun with Friends"?
- Troy: No.
- Polygraph Operator: Lie.
- Troy: SILENCE, WENCH!!
- Mr. Stone: [Reading Pierce's final questions for the study group] Abed, do you know that you're insane and everything you ever said never made any sense to me?
- Abed: Yep.
- Mr. Stone: Here's your sperm. [The assistant positions a cylinder containing Pierce's frozen sperm in front of Abed]
Geothermal Escapism [5.05]
[edit]- Abed: Okay, we'll go into the vents they'll never find us there.
- Troy: I say we take a stand here, I mean, someone's gotta win sometime.
- Abed: Not if we never kill each other, then we can play forever.
- Troy: Right! Wait, Abed, the floor can't be lava forever. The game's gotta end.
- Abed: It's not a game for me, Troy. I'm seeing real lava because you're leaving, it's embarrassing. I don't wanna be crazy, but I am crazy, so... I made a game were you and everyone else see what I see. [Both look at lava] I don't want it to be there either I swear, I want you to be able to leave, but I don't think the lava goes away until you stop leaving.
- Troy: So the only way I can help you is, by giving up my chance to... be one person?
- Abed: Clone Troy.
- Troy: Clone Abed.
- Abed: By the way, when I cloned you, I had to patch some missing parts of your DNA with genes from a homing pigeon. You may notice side effects, like the compulsion to come back.
- Troy: Cool. Clone hug?
- Annie: The midterm dance will need a visual theme. Like, 'Let's blow off steam,' and it's trains!
- Chang: I have an idea!
- Annie: Chang, your last idea was to murder.
- Jeff: I guess it could use a little something, theme-wise.
- Chang: I have an idea. [everyone turns around] Bear down for midterms.
- Jeff: What?
- Chang: Bear down for midterms.
- Duncan: You can't just repeat it, you need to explain yourself.
Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality [5.07]
[edit]- Duncan: Isn't she great? She's everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak. And starting to realize she that she has to settle for less. And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, BAM! [pulls out handkerchief] Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.
- Jeff: Well, I'm out. Have fun circling my former lover, waiting for her to cry. I tried to make that sound good, but uh, that’s what you’re doing.
- Britta: Where are we going?
- Duncan: Well, I think you should go home. Because you're having an existential crisis, and the best lesson you could take away from it. Is that you are someone, even when you're by yourself.
- Britta: I think you're right, thank you. And please don't take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me. I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid.
- [Duncan starts hitting the steering wheel]
- Britta: What's wrong?
- Duncan: Nothing. Nothing. It's nothing... Th-th-the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.
App Development and Condiments [5.08]
[edit]- Dean: Now Jeffrey I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say: Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones don't get a rhyme, because they're garbage!
- Jeff: There is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.
- Britta: Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.
- Jeff: This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. Its beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement. [assorted boos] And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of email and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.
- Koogler: So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?
- Jeff: Delete it. [Assembly delete their apps] By the way guys, it's a Saturday, and you're all in school for nothing.
- Dean: Well I'm a peanut bar and I'm here to say
Your checks will arrive on another day.
Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar.
Another stuffed shirt with another white collar.
Criminals, Wall Street takin' the pie,
All the black man gets a plate of white lies!
Prisons recruitin' and police be shootin',
Rap artists lootin' and the labels are dilutin' and BARACK OBAMA IS SCARED OF ME!
'Cos I don't swallow knowledge and I spit it for free LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT, HAHAHA - [Drops microphone in horror]
- Dean: ...I don't know what that was... I don't...
- Annie: Flip a coin?
- Abed: Coins create parallel timelines.
- Annie: Rock Paper Scissors?
- Abed: That's a nine-sided coin.
- Annie: Guys, let's play D&D to help Hickey reconnect with his son!
- Abed: Was everyone's take-away from last time that we can use D&D to reprogram brains? Nobody feels that we almost caused a suicide?
- Jeff: We prevented one. Fa...bulous Neil felt like a nobody, and thanks to us he's still out there, doing this and that in the background. [Neil walks by in the background]
- Abed: A satisfying sequel is difficult to pull off. Many geniuses have defeated themselves through hubris, making this a chance to prove I'm better than all of them... I'm in!
- Hank Hickey: Look, you think I'm the bad guy because I didn't invite him to my son's birthday. But you know where he was for most of my birthdays? Little place that rhymes with "not there."
- Chang: Times Square?
- Narrator: G.I. Joe is the code name for America's daring, awesomely-trained, awesome mission force. Its purpose: to fight Cobra, because they're terrorists. Look, I think I'm over-explaining it: the bad guys are snakes and the good guys are Army people.
- Wingman (Jeff): You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander (Dean): Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!
- Wingman: Craig, it's me. Jeff.
- Dean: Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?
- Fourth Wall (Abed): No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.
Basic Story [5.12]
[edit]- Jeff: This inspection is going to be the most boring thing to happen here since Britta dated Troy.
- Shirley: I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.
- Jeff: You got something in your teeth.
- Shirley: Mhm. You got something in your chest.
- Annie: We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.
- Hickey: Why?
- Annie: Because once the Internet knows about something, it changes.
- Jeff: Right. Just ask Chris Brown or China.
Basic Sandwich [5.13]
[edit]- Jeff: M'Lady.
- Annie: M'Lord.
- Abed: We'll definitely be back next year. If not, it'll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilization. [Looks straight into camera] And that's canon.
External links
[edit]
- Community/Season 5 quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- Official site