Community (TV series)

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Community (2009–2015) is an American sitcom that premiered on NBC and Yahoo Screen about students at a community college in the fictional city of Greendale, Colorado. The show would run for six seasons on NBC and Yahoo Screen, hence the #sixseasonsandamovie hashtag.

Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Dean Craig Pelton: [giving a public speech to welcome new students at Greendale Community College] Uhhh, good morning! Uhh, many of you are halfway through your first week here at Greendale and, as your Dean, I thought I would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. [reading from his notes] What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's "loser" college for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, middle-aged divorcees and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity. That's what you've heard; however, I wish you luck! [awkward silence] Okay, you know- Uh, oh. There's more to this speech, so there's actually a middle card that is missing, can we all look around our immediate areas? 'Cause I really wanted to...

Abed Nadir: I'm only half arab actually, my dad is Palestinian but he's a US citizen so he's not a threat to national security or anything, a lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry energy, but not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him, although she did leave him because he was angry and he was angry because she's American, my name's Abed by the way.
Jeff Winger: Abed, uhhh, nice to know you and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I asked?
Abed: Oh, uhh, five after eleven when you asked.
Jeff: [spots Britta Perry in the distance] Abed.
Abed: Yeah.
Jeff: What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.
Abed: Well, I've only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but...her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test so she really needs to focus and she's sorry that makes her seem cold.
Jeff: Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now. [walks away]
Abed: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Dr. Ian Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals?
Troy Barnes: Feet!
Pierce Hawthorne: No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.
Jeff: We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this! [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies, just a little bit, on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.
Pierce: Big mistake.
Troy: Got a point.
Jeff: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.
Pierce: The Dalai Lama and I-
Jeff: We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.
Pierce: Soup?

Spanish 101 [1.02][edit]

Pierce: [raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.

Jeff: Hey, you know what today is? [Hands Britta a card] It's the two week anniversary of my horrible first impression.
Britta Perry: There's a card for that?
Jeff: Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man, by reading from the Torah.

Introduction to Film [1.03][edit]

Abed Nadir: I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
Troy: He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!

Jeff: Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl!
Troy: And how 'bout I pound you like a boy! That didn't come out right.

Abed: [Filming Jeff with a videocamera] Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.
Jeff: I don't wanna be your father.
Abed: Perfect, you already know your lines.

Social Psychology [1.04][edit]

Annie Edison: This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Abed: Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. ...Sure, I'll do it Chandler.

[Annie walks into the study room where Troy and Abed are already sitting down]
Troy: Hey, sorry for bailing on the psych experiment.
Annie: That WAS the experiment, Troy. We were testing to see how long people would wait in the room.
Troy: [Suddenly realising] Whoa!
Abed: Oh. Gotcha.
Annie: "Gotcha?" That's all you have to say?
Abed: Yeah.
Annie: You sat in a room for 26 straight hours. Didn't that bother you?
Abed: Yeah, I was livid.
Annie: Then why didn't you leave?!
Abed: Cos you asked me to stay and you said we were friends.
[Annie starts to feel guilty and sits down]
Troy: Wait. Is this still part of the experiment?

Advanced Criminal Law [1.05][edit]

Troy: The only difference between Señor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Señor Chang is.

Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Duncan: [Incredulous] You did what?
Ben Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!

Football, Feminism and You [1.06][edit]

Jeff: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about the group like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed: That's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: That's racist.
Troy: Damn.

Troy: How did you know that my nickname is T-Bone?
Jeff: Because you're a football player and your name begins with T. [slowly] Your name. Begins. With T.

Troy: Hip, hop, body don't stop. Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in the box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip-flop.
Annie: Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?
Troy: Bing, bong, sing along. Your team's Al Gore 'cause your views are wrong.

Introduction to Statistics [1.07][edit]

[Jeff confidently walks up to Professor Slater and sits at her table]
Jeff: [with a serious face] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I am so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good-looking. Please do me the favour of having sex with me.
Professor Slater: [after thinking about it] Okay, but stay three steps behind me and promise you won't tell anybody.

Jeff: Batman, are you staying for the party?
Abed: [in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.
Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.
But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant. Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping. No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.

[Troy and Abed are talking with their best Batman voices]
Troy: Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.
Abed: Yeah, it sure does.
Troy: At like a candy traffic school. Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel. And he's drunk!
Abed: Look out!
Troy: We drivin'. But you keep wantin' to eat yourself.
Abed: All day.
Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.
Abed: What is?
Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...
Abed: You would eat yourself?
Troy: I wouldn't even question it. That's one of my biggest fears.
Abed: Mmm. That'd be tasty.
Troy: It's cool to know other people think about this stuff, too.
Abed: Yeah. Yeah.

Home Economics [1.08][edit]

[The study group is trying to help Jeff, who is living in his car after being evicted from his condo, but he refuses any help]
Jeff: The next person who offers me pity or charity will be mentioned — by name — in my suicide note.

[Britta turns off the TV.]
Jeff: Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...
Britta: I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.
Jeff: Yeah, but they had good times.

Jeff: How are you so satisfied all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Abed: [thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.
Jeff: And someday, you will know it by its true name: diabetes.
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
Jeff: I'm sorry?
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn.
Jeff: Is it the lips?
Abed: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
Jeff: Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
Abed: You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.

Debate 109 [1.09][edit]

Dean Craig Pelton: Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?
Jeff: I hang on every word.
Dean: I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.
Jeff: Correct.
Dean: So you didn't hear my announcement?
Jeff: I'm barely listening now.

Jeff: Ugh!
Annie: What's wrong?
Jeff: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
Annie: It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.
Jeff: I hate it!
Annie: Well get used to it! You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate!

Environmental Science [1.10][edit]

[Señor Chang has assigned excessive homework.]
Britta: There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
Annie: I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]
Jeff: [Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?
Annie: You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.
Pierce: Yeah, go tongue Chang.
Jeff: Guys, what makes you think I can convince Chang of anything if I can't convince you not to make me do it?
Shirley Bennett: Well, I guess it sounds crazy...
Troy: Jeff does raise a good point.
[The others murmur in agreement]
Troy: Wait! You are convincing!
[The others gasp and exclaim their realization]

[Chang is going through a split with his wife]
Chang: You make no mistake about this, Winger: I pleasure that woman greatly.
Jeff: Psh, yeah, you look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.

Politics of Human Sexuality [1.11][edit]

Shirley: Pierce has got a girlfriend!
Britta: That's great. What's she do?
Pierce: She's an escort.
Shirley: Oh...
Jeff: Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

Dean: Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever.
Britta: You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?
Dean: Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.
Britta: Problem solved.

Comparative Religion [1.12][edit]

Shirley: I'm so sick of the dean jamming his PC-ness down my throat.
Jeff: Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.

Britta: Guys, are we really going to let religion divide us? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.
Abed: I get 72 virgins in heaven.
Britta: ...No.

Investigative Journalism [1.13][edit]

Jeff: [After being kicked in the face by Buddy] No no, its fine, it's fine. It's just little a nose bleed. I get 'em when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.

Jeff: [to Buddy] Annie's pretty young, we try not to sexualize her.

Abed: Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?
Jeff: The one with, uh... the army.
Abed: That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Interpretive Dance [1.14][edit]

Jeff: You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?
Dean: Yes, we do... number two.
Professor Michelle Slater: Dean Pelton?
Dean: Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?

Troy: [to Britta] Girls are supposed to dance, that's why God gave them parts that jiggle.

Pierce: [talking about Troy's dancing] Troy, what you did took guts. I'm impressed.
Troy: Thanks, Pierce.
Pierce: And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.

Romantic Expressionism [1.15][edit]

Shirley: Does anybody get specific about me?
Pierce: Check your e-mail.
Shirley: I'll mark you as spam.
Pierce: Who the hell's Pam?

Shirley: You don't see me saying anything crazy about Abed and Troy's weird little relationship.
Abed and Troy: [to each other] They're just jealous.

Jeff: Troy, I want you to clear your mind.
Troy: [immediately] Done.

[Troy and Abed are filming their own version of Kickpuncher, an in-universe parody of the 1987 movie RoboCop. Troy poses as Kickpuncher, Abed as his love interest]
Troy: Are you sure Britta couldn't do your part?
Abed: I asked her. She wasn't available.
Troy: [Sighs] Let's go film the sex scene.

Communication Studies [1.16][edit]

Dean: [over P.A.] It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.

Abed: Another muffin basket from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

Physical Education [1.17][edit]

[Abed is being a "different version of himself"; Annie is standing in as the girl Abed intends to court]
Abed: What are you reading?
Annie: Pride and Prejudice.
Abed: So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?
Shirley: Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]
Annie: I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Abed: Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you?
[Abed leans in for a kiss and is interrupted at the last second.]
Shirley: Abed, what are you doing?!
Abed: Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?
Britta: Weird.
Troy: Awesome.
Pierce: Put your tongue in her ear.
Annie: I liked it.

Jeff: What are you guys doing?
Abed: They're teaching me how to be someone else.
Jeff: Oh, for God's sake, what did I tell you guys?
Abed: [doing a Jeff impression] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!
Troy: Whoa! That is a good Jeff! How did you do that?
Abed: 10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff from Scrubs, 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.
Jeff: [disappointed] Zach Braff.
Abed: Sorry.

Abed: The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
Britta: So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
[There is a pause]
Jeff: Abed, you're a god.

Basic Genealogy [1.18][edit]

Abed: I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is—
Troy: —Thinking?
Abed: Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's—
Troy: —Pie?
Abed: Exactly. It's creepy.

Annie: How much effort do I rate?
Jeff: For you, I’d break a light sweat.
Annie: Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
Jeff: You're becoming dangerous, Annie. It’s those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain.

Beginner Pottery [1.19][edit]

Admiral Slaughter: I don't see students here; I see seamen. I didn't create them. From the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman.

Abed: Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.

The Science of Illusion [1.20][edit]

Dean: From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.

Britta: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Cancer!" "Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!"

[In his office, the Dean is talking to Annie and Shirley about their bad job as on-campus security guards. Abed watches while eating popcorn]
Dean: I see how that would be frustrating, but the fact is-
Abed: [suggesting the lines to the Dean] Your ass is on the line.
Dean: My ass is on the line!
Abed: You just got off the phone with the mayor.
Dean: I just got off the phone with the- What, the mayor? Stop doing that!
Abed: I'm trying to help. You're not doing this right.
Dean: [sarcastic] Well, maybe you should do it.
[Abed hands the Dean his bag of popcorn, then slams a hand on the table and starts speaking to Annie and Shirley in an African-American accent]
Abed: I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you two! You're an embarassement to the department. You're off the case and off the force. Your badges and your windbreakers now. [Annie and Shirley hesitate] Now! I ain't got all day! Agitating my sciatica. I'm too old for this! Now, get out of my sight! Thought you were badasses, huh? Real badasses work together. All I see is a housewife and a girl scout.
Annie: [offended] Hey!
Shirley: Abed!
Abed: I said get out! And don't ever think about getting near this case, huh!
[Annie and Shirley exit the Dean's office]
Dean: Pretty harsh.
Abed: [talking normally] Whatever, that's what they needed.

Contemporary American Poultry [1.21][edit]

Pierce: Abed, your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead, you know what i mean?
Abed: I don't.
Jeff: [to Abed] You're not alone on this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead".
Pierce: Trying? Coined and minted. Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.
Annie: Does it just mean "cool" or is it supposed to be like "miles ahead"?
Pierce: [sighs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Troy: If it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger.

Abed: For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Jeff: Troy, why do you have a monkey?
Troy: It's an animal that looks like a dude, why don't I have 10 of them?

The Art of Discourse [1.22][edit]

Abed: You still call me a terrorist.
Pierce: If you're not, I'm sorry. If you are, I'm a hero. It's a risk I'm prepared to take.

Shirley: Come on, everybody, let's not make fun of Annie.
Annie: No, no, I don't want anybody's pity. You know, come to think of it, after Pierce, you're the most bigoted.
Shirley: What?
Annie: When you found out I was Jewish, you invited me into a "pool party" that turned out to be a baptism.
Shirley: Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven!

Modern Warfare [1.23][edit]

Troy: [talking about the paintball competition] What's the prize?
Dean: It was a DVD Blu-Ray player but it was stolen, so now it's TBD.
Troy: I want TBD. Is that new?
Pierce: if it's what I think I had it for a month in the seventies.

Pierce: You want my advice, pork her and move on. It's what we did back in my day.
Jeff: Yes, but you also put hydrogen in blimps and that was bad.

English as a Second Language [1.24][edit]

[Annie has betrayed the group]
Jeff: Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lip is going to quiver and her eyes will flutter but they won't ever actually close but do not feel sorry for her!

Jeff: Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!
Annie: I said I was sorry!
Jeff: Who cares if you're sorry? We're still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DON'T DO IT!

Pascal's Triangle Revisited [1.25][edit]

Chang: [pulls out a roll of coins] Do you know what this is?
Duncan: A roll of quarters?
Chang: Yeah, that's right! [punches Duncan]

Jeff: Slater makes me feel like I do when I write my new years resolutions. She makes me feel like the guy I want to be. And Britta makes me feel like the guy I am three weeks after new years, when I’m back to hitting my snooze button and screening my mom’s phone calls. Back to who I really am. So, do you try to evolve? Or do you try to know what you are?

Season 2[edit]

Anthropology 101 [2.01][edit]

Pierce: I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival, but fair warning: it's my penis.

Abed: Jeff, do you think you'll marry Britta?
Jeff: I'd like to see someone stop me.
Britta: [smiling] I just peed a little.
Abed: [pulls out an engagement ring] Then here, propose.
[Jeff and Britta look at the ring and then at each other, then start wrestling to get the ring first, with Britta winning]
Britta: I got it! I got it! I got it! Jeff Winger, will you marry me?
Jeff: Yeah, yeah, of course, no problem!
[They kiss; Shirley and Annie start screaming in joy and in pain, respectively]
Abed: Perfect, I'll be right back. [runs out of the study room]
Shirley: Thanks the Lord you're getting married! I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table!
[Everybody falls silent at the revelation, then withdraw from the table in disgust]
Troy: [first disgusted, then amazed] Aaaaaaaaawesome!
Jeff: [to Britta] You told Shirley?!
Shirley: Well, there's no need for secrecy now! [to Annie] It was during the paintball game.
Troy: Was there anything you didn't win that day?

Shirley: [after having discovered that Jeff kissed Annie at last year's transfer dance] What is wrong with you, Jeffrey?
Jeff: Well, Shirley, since you've clearly failed to grasp the central, insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain to you: men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end.

Jeff: Where you going?
Abed: By the power invested in me, I pronounce you canceled.
Jeff: [sarcastic] Oh, good, yeah, Abed, cancel us. And while you're at it, why don't you take your cutesy "I can't tell life from TV" gimmick with you? You know, it's very "Season One".
Abed: I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense: it has structure, logic, rules and likeable leading men. In life we have this...we have you.

Jeff: [answering a question by Professor Bauer] It was a trick question. The tool most important for humanity survival wasn't any of the nine in the box.
Professor Bauer: Go on.
Jeff: The most important tool is respect.
Chang: Ha! Gayyyyyy!

Chang: Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?

Jeff: Look, we have the strength to survive anything. What's the worst that can happen with Chang?
Chang: [growling] I told you they hate you. [chuckles; then, normally] No! They just said they needed more time! [menacingly] Time? They destroyed your life! How much time before we take revenge? [normally] But they're my friends! [menacingly] I'm your only friend! [normally] No! [menacingly, lifting his hands into the air] Ha ha ha! [normally] No!! [menacingly] Ah ha ha ha! [normally] Nooooo!

Accounting for Lawyers [2.02][edit]

[Annie, Troy, and Abed are about to break into an office]
Troy: Annie, go back and keep lookout.
Annie: Wait, why me lookout? Why not you guys?
Troy: 'Cause, if someone comes up here, Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail. You get taken to dinner.
Annie: [flouncing energetically] You guys! I'm the smartest one in this group and all I've been used for is bait and distraction! [notices that the others are looking at her chest] Ugh! Go on your stupid mission. I hope it sucks. [she leaves]
Troy: What did she say?
Abed: I don't know.
Troy: All I heard was "suck."

Shirley: [excitedly] Guys, guys, do you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?
Jeff: Shirley, don't sue a stripper.
Shirley: Why not?
Jeff: She's a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.

Psychology of Letting Go [2.03][edit]

Troy: What's with the lava lamp?
Pierce: It's not a lava lamp, it's my mom.
Troy: Ooooh, snap! [realizing Pierce is not joking] Wait, what?

Jeff: [to Britta and Annie] Wow. You guys are real downers. I can't believe I made out with both of you.

Duncan: [watching Britta and Annie wrestle in oil] Now this is why I came to America.

Basic Rocket Science [2.04][edit]

Abed: [about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?
Dean: No. That is a job for some upstanding students who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
Leonard: [sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.

Jeff: We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.

Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples [2.05][edit]

Abed: I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined. I would love to make a Jesus movie.

[Leonard and the others abandon Pierce and Richard after dementia-ridden Richard crashes the Dean's car]
Pierce: Richard, are you alright?
Richard: Who's Richard? Is that me?
Pierce: Yes.
Richard: Then I'm fine. Who are those people running away? Are those my friends?
Pierce: Now, that's a very good question.

Epidemiology [2.06][edit]

Troy: I'm a sexy dracula.
Abed: You mean vampire?
Troy: I don't need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. Nerd.

Abed: [to Troy] Make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.

Troy: I love you.
Abed: I know.

Britta: I can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.
Chang: I can't believe it wasn't me.
Jeff: I can't believe I believe you.

Aerodynamics of Gender [2.07][edit]

[Troy and Jeff are playing basketball]
Troy: Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?
Jeff: 'Cause you've been traveling all day?
Troy: 'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.

Annie: [to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!
Abed: Like RoboCop?
Britta: Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.

Cooperative Calligraphy [2.08][edit]

Pierce: If - and I mean if - the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.
Jeff: [sarcastic] Yes, Pierce, we were all thinking that, in 1856.

Britta: [looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
Abed: That's mine.
Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
Annie: What is it?
Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed: That's my personal private business.
Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next: November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
Annie: What?! Gross!
Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.

Britta: [angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records. And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread.
Jeff: Bend and spread? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?
Troy: Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book!

Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design [2.09][edit]

Britta: The perfect Jeff Winger blow-off class: a class that doesn't exist.

Annie: Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. You're not the least bit curious how that happened?
Jeff: My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.

Abed: Wanna build a cardboard submarine?
Troy: Get out of my brain.

Mixology Certification [2.10][edit]

Troy: Alcohol makes people sad. It's the Lifetime movie of beverages.

Study Group: [Singing] To you!
Pierce: That was weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?
Shirley: You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
Abed: Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.
Troy: [Reading the message written on his birthday cake] "Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus."

Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas [2.11][edit]

[after Jeff is eaten by Hum-bugs for being sarcastic]
Annie: Ooh! Can I sing this one? [Abed nods and Annie sings] Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / Than a haircut in a box.
Troy: Annie. Nice!
Annie: Get what I did with the word "presence?"

Abed: [opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

Asian Population Studies [2.12][edit]

Annie: It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
Annie: It doesn't matter.
Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
Annie: No.
Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
Annie: No.
Pierce: The white George Foreman?
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
Abed: Bluestreak?
Pierce: Optimus Prime?
Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

Chang: What's this? What's going on?
Abed: It's a mixer.
Chang: Well, why's everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member? And you didn't invite me?
Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
Chang: What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.
Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
Chang: That's not true. That's a lie.
Abed: [twitching] It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
[Chang backs away]
Abed: Works every time.

Celebrity Pharmacology [2.13][edit]

Dean: Well, that answers my question. Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin.

Abed: Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint their vans and solve mysteries.

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons [2.14][edit]

Abed: An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.
Troy: I attack them using my... additional notes.
Abed: It has no effect. Britta?
Britta: I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land and from their perspective...
[everyone else groans]
Troy: You are the AT&T of people.

[Pierce forces his way into the game]
Abed: As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...
Pierce: Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.
Abed: In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?
Jeff: I wait fourteen turns.

[Pierce targets Fat Neil's character, Ducayne]
Pierce: Cast Shape Change on Ducayne.
Abed: What shape do you choose for him?
Pierce: Faaaaaaaaaaaat.
Shirley: Pierce, stop it!
Jeff: Pierce!
Abed: Ducayne starts gaining weight. How much?
Pierce: Make him as fat as Fat Neil.
Jeff: Pierce!
[Neil starts to cry]
Pierce: Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends!

Early 21st Century Romanticism [2.15][edit]

[Troy and Abed are trying to draw the attention of Mariah, a librarian they're both attracted to]
Abed: Hey, maybe if we're too loud she'll shush us.
[Troy nods in agreement]
Abed: [loudly] Books!
[Mariah looks at them]
Troy: [to Abed] Pretend like you're asleep.
[Both pretend to fall asleep]

Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books?"
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and, if so, which one?
Mariah: We need to get something straight first. This is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay, deal.
Abed: Yesss.
Mariah: [indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
Mariah: No.
Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.

Annie: [referring to Page, Britta's supposedly lesbian friend] So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?
Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
Annie: It's homophobic to ask questions?
Britta: If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?
Annie: Have I?
Britta: Don't know. Not a homophobe.
Annie: [spots Page from a distance] Oh.
Britta: Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.

Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking [2.16][edit]

Pierce: I was never one to hold grudges, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.

Troy: I told Pierce a thousand times, I never wanted to meet LeVar in person! I just wanted a picture. You can't disappoint a picture! I hate you, Pierce!

Jeff: [to Abed, who is filming the documentary] Don't you dare intercut this with footage of me freaking out!
[footage of Jeff freaking out while becoming increasingly distressed at the thought of meeting his estranged father is shown]

LeVar Burton: [while eating in the study room with Troy, he starts singing the opening of Reading Rainbow] "Butterflies in the sky, I can go twice as high, take a look, it's in a book, the Reading Rainbow!"
[Troy has a breakdown and runs away screaming]
LeVar Burton: Oh well, more fish for Kunta!

Intro to Political Science [2.17][edit]

Annie: We're electing the students' president. I'm gonna run! I have so many ideas for improving this school!
Jeff: Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie. It takes time, gasoline, matches...
Abed: Hmmm, nice. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Classic Wingers"]
Annie: Well, newsflash Jeff, some of us care about more than fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.
Jeff: Wow, you got me pegged. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Ab mentions"]
Britta: Democracy, what a ruse. There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any-
Jeff: [interrupting] Everybody wants you to shut up!
Britta: And yet I won't. Case in point.
[Troy smiles and makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "notches"]

Special Agent Glenn Keenlan: [Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.
Abed: Where were you a week ago?

Jeff: You should have stayed in the running. You were the only real candidate.
Annie: Nah. I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. You were right the whole time. I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.

Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy [2.18][edit]

Shirley: God bless you!
Jeff: Not lately.

Britta: He's a war criminal!
Troy: In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?!?

Critical Film Studies [2.19][edit]

Abed: Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Jeff: Here and there.
Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook; not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message—a very nice message—from the people who make Cougar Town.
Jeff: Looking for work?
Abed: [Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Jeff: Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Abed: So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Jeff: Wait, what? You went? When?
Abed: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.
Jeff: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
Abed: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courteney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk—as Chad—and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on—Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.

Jeff: Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.
Abed: Not all the time.
Jeff: That's a lie.
Abed: We don't lie when we're alone.
Jeff: Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.
Abed: How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?
Jeff: You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.
Abed: No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.
Jeff: What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?
Abed: Well, I don't believe that happens.
Jeff: Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.
Abed: But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?
Jeff: Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being... [puts his constantly-buzzing phone into his drink] The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

Competitive Wine Tasting [2.20][edit]

Jeff: Don't preach to me about romance, Annie. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.

Pierce: How about Mexican?
Wu Mei: How about Thai? They're like Chinese Mexicans.

Paradigms of Human Memory [2.21][edit]

[Troy and Abed are watching TV as Britta comes in the room and abruptly changes channel, to their disappointment]
Troy: What are you doing?!
Britta: There's rioting in Tunisia!
Troy: The Cape is premiering!
Britta: Humanity is premiering, you jags!

Troy: [as he and the study group emerge from a lake completely wet] You can yell at me all you want! I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster.

Jeff: [referring to The Cape] That show's gonna last three weeks!
Abed: Six seasons and a movie!

Troy: Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that, for the good of the group, we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?
Jeff: Troy, we never said ourselves.
Troy: Okay, now I'm really mad.

[Jeff starts delivering a speech that becomes a montage of other "Winger Speeches" that were given in varoius locations]
Jeff: Look, we've known each other for almost two years now.
[In a haunted house] And yeah, in that time, I've given a lot of speeches. But they all have one thing in common:
[At a drug lord's compound] They're all different. These drug runners aren't gonna execute Pierce because he's racist!
[In a railway station] It's a locomotive that runs on us!
[On the shore of a lake] And the only sharks in that water...
[In a haunted house] Are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear,
[In the College's cafeteria] Anchovies,
[On a camping trip] Fear...
[In an asylum] And the dangers of ingesting mercury! Gahh!
[Outside of a motel] Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds.
[In the College's cafeteria] And there's no such things as a "free Caesar Salad"! And even if there were...
[In the study room] The Cape still might find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why:
[At a drug lord's compound, in Spanish] El corazón del agua es verdad.
[On the shore of a lake] That water is a lie!
[In an asylum] Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!
[In the study room] So, maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings. But I choose to believe it's just the Universe's way of molding us into some kind of super-group.

Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts [2.22][edit]

Duncan: [Dean enters anthropology classroom while Duncan is drinking wine, so Duncan throws the glass on floor] And that's how Jews celebrate at weddings! Anthropology!
Chang: L'chaim!

Troy: Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.
Duncan: Thank you, Daryl.
Abed: It's Troy.
Troy: Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.

A Fistful of Paintballs [2.23][edit]

Chang: Man, Math Club has gotten a lot better since last year.
Jeff: Obviously they were practicing while the rest of us went on dates!

Pierce: It began with a dream, Annie. A dream and an impulse to hide in the men's room. I found that people were willing to roll bullets under the door just for the right to take a dump. By the way, for you guys, taking a dump is on the house.

For a Few Paintballs More [2.24][edit]

Troy: We just took down a professional paintball warrior.
Dean: What? That is absurd! Why would someone who's paid to do things be at Greendale?

Abed: I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it by default.

Season 3[edit]

Biology 101 [3.01][edit]

[Jeff daydreams about he and the study group singing a song to celebrate the beginning of a new year at Greendale Community College]
Jeff: We're gonna fly to school each morning,
We're gonna smile the entire time.
Britta: We're gonna be more happy,
We're gonna finally be fine!
Abed: We're gonna get more calm and normal,
Troy: We're gonna fix our state of mind!
Annie: We're gonna be less crazy,
Everyone: We're gonna finally be fine!
Shirley: We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,
Far away from the borderline!
Dean: We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,
Chang: And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!
Everyone: We're gonna have more fun and be less weird
than the first two years combined!
And we're gonna live forever!
Jeff and Annie: And we're gonna sleep together!
Everyone: And we're gonna finally
Be sunny and shinily
We're gonna finally be fine!

Britta: Okay, guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.
Jeff: Umm, Britta. [Points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]
Annie: So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.
Jeff: Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.
Pierce: [Suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.

Shirley: Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?
Starburns: Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?
Shirley: No.

[Abed is watching the sixth episode of Cougarton Abbey, a British TV show recommended to him by Britta, when everybody on the show dies, leaving Abed confused]
Abed: Uhmm...
Troy: Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?
Britta: They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV, they give you closure!
Shirley: Ohh!
[Abed starts screaming, then stops and becomes unresponsive as if he was a robot that got shut down]
Troy: No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!

Geography of Global Conflict [3.02][edit]

Abed: Okay, here's the plan. [starts mumbling nonsense]
Jeff: Abed! What did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away.

Professor Cligoris: A logical, effective, common-sense move, Annie Kim, one which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself: A fundamentally symbolic organisation founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures. Blue UN wins!

Competitive Ecology [3.03][edit]

Professor Marshall Kane: What is happening at this school? I have so many conversations that make no sense.

Annie: [To Jeff] Who the hell are you always texting?! Everyone you know is here!

Todd: What is wrong with you people?! Huh?! I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird! And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades! Or Biology, or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm going to hold my wife and my child close and I'm going to finally take my insulin shot! Offense taken! [Quietly] Offense taken.

Remedial Chaos Theory [3.04][edit]

Jeff: Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
Jeff: [patronizingly] Of course I am, Abed.

Troy: [sees something in Annie's purse] Uhh, guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?
Jeff: It's like a tiny piece of plastic with a thing at the end of it.
Troy: Okay so this is definitely a gun.

Troy: [to Pierce, after discovering that his housewarming gift is a doll Troy's afraid of] You're a sick, sad, twisted old man and I hope you die alone.

Britta: [to Shirley, after having eaten one of her pies] Crap. I was not supposed to eat your stuff, we all made an agreement. Crap! I was not supposed to say that out loud! Crap! Okay, cards on the table. I'm really high right now!

Abed: Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Britta: Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
Abed: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pierce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
[Everybody gasps]
Shirley: Abed!
Abed: There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
[Jeff snickers and the rest of the group send him to get the pizza]

Shirley: [in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]
Britta: Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?
Shirley: Of you.
[Britta gasps]
Abed: Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over. One thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.
Britta: Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!
Troy: [speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.
Britta: Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!
Jeff: Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.
Britta: Exactly! Life got dark.
Abed: All because Jeff rolled a one.
Jeff: Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.
Abed: It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]
Jeff: What is this?
Abed: Of all the timelines this is clearly the darkest, which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our proper lives.
Evil Jeff: [visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?
Evil Abed: Certainly.
Evil Jeff: I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!
Evil Abed: Goatees.
[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]
[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him intrigued]
Evil Troy and Evil Abed: [singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps [3.05][edit]

Abed: Here we are: a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.
Britta: That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.
Abed: And I am comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry.

Jeff: I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.

Advanced Gay [3.06][edit]

[Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]
Britta: Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.
Annie: Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.
Jeff: Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.

Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
Shirley: You can excuse racism?

[Jeff confronts Pierce's father]
Jeff: Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late.

Studies in Modern Movement [3.07][edit]

Britta: [To Annie] I forgot you're twenty. When you become roommates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.

Troy: There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.
Abed: Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?
Troy: And what's the iron for?
Abed: And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?
Troy: We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.

Documentary Filmmaking: Redux [3.08][edit]

Dean: This isn't Hollywood, Pierce. If it was, these glasses would be tinted and I'd be friends with Stevie Nicks.

[Jeff, wearing a bald cap, took up the role of Dean Craig Pelton for the commercial of Greendale Community College]
Jeff: Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.
Abed: How did that make you feel?
Jeff: I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair, and now, the bald man is awake.

Annie: The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.
Abed: Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?
Annie: Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.

Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism [3.09][edit]

Jeff: Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.
Karl: Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.
Jeff: Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
Juergen: Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.
Jeff: Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. Juergen scores a point]
Juergen: I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

Jeff: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?
Karl: You take that back!
Juergen: We came to play. Get away from our table.
Shirley: We're using it, strudel-brain.
Jeff: Nice.
Juergen: Then play us for it.
Shirley: Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.
Juergen: Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.
Jeff: We're gonna kick das butt.
Shirley: Nice.
Jeff: Thank you.
Juergen: Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]
Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a twenty-five dollar bit, and it's not even that good!

Regional Holiday Music [3.10][edit]

Jeff: Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting music copyright since 1914. It seems they received an anonymous tip that someone was performing unlicensed material without the composer's consent. Merry Christmas, everybody. Glee club has become history club.

Annie: I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.
Troy: You're not taking both of them?
Annie: Well, one's dead.
Troy: What?!

Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts [3.11][edit]

Britta: When are we going to outgrow this outmoded concept of marriage?
Annie: What, you're anti-weddings now?
Jeff: No, she's just pro-anti.

Annie: "Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings. It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why.

Contemporary Impressionists [3.12][edit]

Dean: I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Troy: Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near him.

Abed: Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Evil Abed: Hot. Hot, hot, hot.

Digital Exploration of Interior Design [3.13][edit]

Britta: [To Shirley and Pierce] Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: Britta Unfiltered.
Pierce: Unfiltered. I get it.
Britta: Get what?

Britta: [To Shirley and Pierce] I am not a whore, and, not that I've done the math, but, if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

Pillows and Blankets [3.14][edit]

Troy: [to Abed] I'm giving you an all tomato. Meaning you give me the whole tomato or else.

Narrator: Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. Like Inglourious Basterds but with "Chang" instead of "in". I don't get it either.
Annie: One of the soldiers said they were making trophies out of mattress tags. This was as ugly as things could get... while still being a pillow fight.

Jeff: [voice-over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

Origins of Vampire Mythology [3.15][edit]

Troy: She was born in the 80s, she still uses her phone as a phone!

Jeff: None of us have to "go to" anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

Virtual Systems Analysis [3.16][edit]

Pierce: I used a mnemonic device. "Kevin Please Come Over For Gay Sex."

Annie: You don't have a patent on being a control freak, Abed.
Abed: I sorta do.

Basic Lupine Urology [3.17][edit]

[Shirley, Britta, Troy and Abed are analyzing a picture of the biology lab]
Shirley: Britta, zoom in there. There's a clock on the wall.
Abed: [trying to read the time on the clock] Eight plus two, times five-
Troy: Ten after eight.
Abed: I'm gifted in other ways.

Troy: How did we get the short straw?
Abed: It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato.
Troy: Yeah, well, it looks pretty cold to me.
Abed: Cold or dead?.
Troy: Survey says...
Abed: We can't both do the zinger.

Jeff: If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.
Annie: Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.

Course Listing Unavailable [3.18][edit]

Britta: Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...
Jeff: Student.
Britta: ...I hereby offer my licensed...
Jeff: Unlicensed.
Britta: as a grief counsellor.
Jeff: Grief causer.
Britta: If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...
Jeff: Not even close.
Britta: in.

Carl Bladt: I think I've heard enough, and I don't see what choice I have. Greendale Seven—Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorn, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes—you are hereby expelled from Greendale Community College. May god have mercy on your souls.

Curriculum Unavailable [3.19][edit]

Troy: [about Abed] Since we got expelled, he's been creepy weird like present day Robin Williams.

Jeff: What do you mean Greendale doesn't exist?
Dr. Heidi: Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.

Dean: [as a doctor in the "Greendale Asylum"] That's sad. Should we increase their lithium?
Garrett: [with Dan Harmon's voice] Not yet. I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.

Digital Estate Planning [3.20][edit]

Britta: You're just jealous because we found a world where I know what I'm doing.

Pierce: [about Abed] Uh-Oh. He's playing the Rain Man card. Let's bounce.

The First Chang Dynasty [3.21][edit]

Troy: There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.
Britta: Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.
Jeff: Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.
Britta: Yes!
Pierce: Great, I'll get my turban.
Jeff: Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Pierce: A. That is racist. B. Swamis can't drive, they're Indians.

Introduction to Finality [3.22][edit]

Britta: Today is Abed's first therapy session.
Jeff: His what?
Britta: He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?
Leonard: Classic tee-up.
Britta: Shut up, Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.
Leonard: No such thing as bad press.

Abed: [as Evil Abed] Cruel. Cruel, cruel, cruel.

Jeff: Your Honour. I have no closing statement because I'm throwing the case. No, no, it's okay. It's fine, don't worry. My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend for three years, told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She's right, right? I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. There's no real truths. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. Because the truth is I'm lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is... the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is, helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here. pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job. So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now, Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me. It's that easy. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court. It's dumb. That is all.

Season 4[edit]

History 101 [4.01][edit]

Annie: Showing up early, helping others, sending girls away? Could this be a whole new Jeff Winger?
Jeff: Don't ruin it by approving it.

Britta: I wish to end all wars.
Troy: That's another rule. No wishes containing the word 'all'. Guaranteed ironic consequences.
Britta: I don't think anyone's going to miss wars.
Troy: Star Wars, Thumb wars, wow, Storage Wars!

Paranormal Parentage [4.02][edit]

Jeff: The dead can't have business. They can't want or think or do. It's the living that choose to be haunted.

Abed: I remember when this show was about community college.

Conventions of Space and Time [4.03][edit]

[at an Inspector SpaceTime convention]
Britta: Jeff, why are people staring at you?
Jeff: 'Cause they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Annie: We come all this way, and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I'm sick of it, Jeff... Nigel... Winger! [tries to throw two more drinks in Jeff's face, but realises they are empty] Can I get two more of these, please?
Jeff: Enough! This day has turned crazy. I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final in a class I didn't know I was enrolled in. [storms off]

Alternative History of the German Invasion [4.04][edit]

Reinhold: Don't worry. If there is one thing Germans don't do, it's hold a grudge.
Abed: Unless we're talking about Die Hard 3.
Jeff: Or the 20th century.

Jeff: I really am Hitler.
Shirley: Yeah.
Pierce: So it's just decided? No vote or anything?
Troy: I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.
Jeff: That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have. [after they finished the study room make overs] What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.

Cooperative Escapism in Familial Relations [4.05][edit]

Jeff: I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.
Dean: Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

Britta: Psychology tells us there are no accidents.
Jeff: What about car accidents, Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?

Advanced Documentary Filmmaking [4.06][edit]

Jeff: I'm gonna go get a sandwich, which, unlike "changnesia," is real.

Troy: Kevin doesn't know about labor laws, or forty hour work weeks, or that that guy named him after his dog.

Economics of Marine Biology [4.07][edit]

Dean: The perfect mix of low intellect, limited ambition, and limitless parental support.
Jeff: So, a rich dum-dum who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it.

Britta: We do need the money. The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for ten years.
Dean: If we get this money, we can buy 100 pigs and make everybody happy.

Herstory of Dance [4.08][edit]

Jeff: You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.
Britta: So you can say I Britta'd it?
Jeff: Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.

Annie: So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...
Abed: Where's this going?
Annie: Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?
Abed: Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.
Shirley: Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.
Annie: Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.
Shirley: There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?
Abed: That's exactly a competition.

Intro to Felt Surrogacy [4.09][edit]

Britta: There are so many clouds; it's so dark!
Troy: I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!
Shirley: Oh, Heaven help us!
Annie: We must be miles above the ground!
Pierce: That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.
Jeff: Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.
Shirley: [to Britta] You see, prayer works.
Britta: So does gravity, Shirley.
Shirley: And you know who invented gravity, right?

Jeff: I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [starts singing] I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had... But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.
Britta : I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I never voted, except when I watch The Voice.
Annie: I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.
Troy: I caused the Greendale fire of '03. Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.
All together: This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret is out!
Pierce: I never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry humped inside of her tour bus!
All together: This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. [Jeff only] And now my most terrible secret is out.

Intro to Knots [4.10][edit]

Annie: Look at us! Our group's first grown-up Christmas party. Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind I brought a few things just to make the place look a little short-term corportate housing.
Jeff: Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Jeff: What is this?
Annie: Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
Jeff: You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.
Annie: I don't see it that way.
Jeff: Well, I do, and I think the others will too.
Shirley: [knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.
Jeff: Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?
Shirley: Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.
Annie: It's a work in progress.
[Troy and Britta come in]
Troy: Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.
Britta: I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.
Jeff: There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

Basic Human Anatomy [4.11][edit]

Shirley: Speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?
Britta and Troy Barnes: Of...?
Annie: Your first date?
Britta: Oh! Kidding.
Troy: Yeah! That was a test and you failed.
Pierce: You guys are dating? Man. Somebody's sure is working her way around the table. [Looks at Britta]

Abed: Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.
Troy: Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.
Abed: No, you do, Troy.
Troy: No, you do, Abed.
[both grab the Freaky Friday cover]
Abed and Troy: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day.
[both start to go in circles and make weird sounds while the lighting starts to switch on and off, and then they fall over dramatically]
Shirley: Oh...
Jerry: [appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.
Troy: I thought that would work.
Jeff: Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Heroic Origins [4.12][edit]

Abed: But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.
Jeff: And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least... [looks around the table] Yep, just me.

Abed: I was looking for you.
Chang: What? I...
Abed: We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale. You linked all our stories, like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers. That, and the four billion dollar deal with Disney. Turns out you were always one of us. So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.
Chang: Really? That's... That's all I ever wanted. But it's too late.
Abed: Here's another thing I realised. Because of you, we got to reinvent ourselves at Greendale. Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think, Chang?
Chang: It's not Chang. It's Kevin. [Abed just looks at him] How long have you known?
Abed: Known what? Only you know who you really are. Also, you may have experimental monkey fever. You coming?
Chang: [pauses] Yeah.

Advanced Introduction to Finality [4.13][edit]

Shirley: Congratulations, Jeffrey. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.

Jeff: Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.
Dean: Ooh, burn on Britta.
Jeff: Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.
[the other group members just laugh]
Troy: Yeah, okay.
Abed: Whatever.
Jeff: I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Season 5[edit]

Repilot [5.01][edit]

Abed: A repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season 9 of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.
Troy: Son of a bitch! After everything Scrubs did for him?

Annie: Chang was faking his Changnesia?
Troy: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?
Shirley: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?
Abed: That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Introduction to Teaching [5.02][edit]

Abed: But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.

Shirley: You're throwing away all your little movies. Why?
Abed: They have no value anymore.
Shirley: Well, if you're looking for something to believe in, I know a skinny little Hebrew handyman you can meet.

Basic Intergluteal Numismatics [5.03][edit]

Dean: I am hereby banning change from this campus.
Professor Buzz Hickey: You really think that's an effective...
Dean: Well guess what? Your two cents is change, and it's banned.

Jeff: These are lyrics from songs from Dave.
Annie: Who?
Jeff: Dave Matthews... oh, excuse me for being alive in the nineties and having two ears connected to a heart.

Cooperative Polygraphy [5.04][edit]

Jeff: [after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?
Abed: Yes, stop giving it four stars.
Jeff: I like Liam Neeson.
Abed: Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes. Do you have a special handshake that you only perform with Mr Nadir?
Troy: Um, Yeah. [Troy and Abed do the handshake]
Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake?
Troy: Um ... Yes.
Polygraph Operator: Lie.
Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the YouTube channel "Fun with Friends"?
Troy: No.
Polygraph Operator: Lie.

Mr. Stone: [Reading Pierce's final questions for the study group] Abed, do you know that you're insane and everything you ever said never made any sense to me?
Abed: Yep.
Mr. Stone: Here's your sperm. [The assistant positions a cylinder containing Pierce's frozen sperm in front of Abed]

Geothermal Escapism [5.05][edit]

Abed: Okay, we'll go into the vents they'll never find us there.
Troy: I say we take a stand here, I mean, someone's gotta win sometime.
Abed: Not if we never kill each other, then we can play forever.
Troy: Right! Wait, Abed, the floor can't be lava forever. The game's gotta end.
Abed: It's not a game for me, Troy. I'm seeing real lava because you're leaving, it's embarrassing. I don't wanna be crazy, but I am crazy, so... I made a game were you and everyone else see what I see. [Both look at lava] I don't want it to be there either I swear, I want you to be able to leave, but I don't think the lava goes away until you stop leaving.
Troy: So the only way I can help you is, by giving up my chance to... be one person?

Abed: Clone Troy.
Troy: Clone Abed.
Abed: By the way, when I cloned you, I had to patch some missing parts of your DNA with genes from a homing pigeon. You may notice side effects, like the compulsion to come back.
Troy: Cool. Clone hug?

Analysis of Cork-Based Networking [5.06][edit]

Annie: The midterm dance will need a visual theme. Like, 'Let's blow off steam,' and it's trains!
Chang: I have an idea!
Annie: Chang, your last idea was to murder.

Jeff: I guess it could use a little something, theme-wise.
Chang: I have an idea. [everyone turns around] Bear down for midterms.
Jeff: What?
Chang: Bear down for midterms.
Duncan: You can't just repeat it, you need to explain yourself.

Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality [5.07][edit]

Duncan: Isn't she great? She's everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak. And starting to realize she that she has to settle for less. And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, BAM! [pulls out handkerchief] Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.
Jeff: Well, I'm out. Have fun circling my former lover, waiting for her to cry. I tried to make that sound good, but uh, that’s what you’re doing.

Britta: Where are we going?
Duncan: Well, I think you should go home. Because you're having an existential crisis, and the best lesson you could take away from it. Is that you are someone, even when you're by yourself.
Britta: I think you're right, thank you. And please don't take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me. I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid.
[Duncan starts hitting the steering wheel]
Britta: What's wrong?
Duncan: Nothing. Nothing. It's nothing... Th-th-the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.

App Development and Condiments [5.08][edit]

Dean: Now Jeffrey I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say: Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones don't get a rhyme, because they're garbage!

Jeff: There is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.
Britta: Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.
Jeff: This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. Its beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement. [assorted boos] And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of email and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.
Koogler: So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?
Jeff: Delete it. [Assembly delete their apps] By the way guys, it's a Saturday, and you're all in school for nothing.

VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing [5.09][edit]

Dean: Well I'm a peanut bar and I'm here to say
Your checks will arrive on another day.
Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar.
Another stuffed shirt with another white collar.
Criminals, Wall Street takin' the pie,
All the black man gets a plate of white lies!
Prisons recruitin' and police be shootin',
Rap artists lootin' and the labels are dilutin' and BARACK OBAMA IS SCARED OF ME!
'Cos I don't swallow knowledge and I spit it for free LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT, HAHAHA
[Drops microphone in horror]
Dean: ...I don't know what that was... I don't...

Annie: Flip a coin?
Abed: Coins create parallel timelines.
Annie: Rock Paper Scissors?
Abed: That's a nine-sided coin.

Advanced Advanced Dungeons & Dragons [5.10][edit]

Annie: Guys, let's play D&D to help Hickey reconnect with his son!
Abed: Was everyone's take-away from last time that we can use D&D to reprogram brains? Nobody feels that we almost caused a suicide?
Jeff: We prevented one. Fa...bulous Neil felt like a nobody, and thanks to us he's still out there, doing this and that in the background. [Neil walks by in the background]
Abed: A satisfying sequel is difficult to pull off. Many geniuses have defeated themselves through hubris, making this a chance to prove I'm better than all of them... I'm in!

Hank Hickey: Look, you think I'm the bad guy because I didn't invite him to my son's birthday. But you know where he was for most of my birthdays? Little place that rhymes with "not there."
Chang: Times Square?

G.I. Jeff [5.11][edit]

Narrator: G.I. Joe is the code name for America's daring, awesomely-trained, awesome mission force. Its purpose: to fight Cobra, because they're terrorists. Look, I think I'm over-explaining it: the bad guys are snakes and the good guys are Army people.

Wingman (Jeff): You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.
Vice Cobra Assistant Commander (Dean): Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!
Wingman: Craig, it's me. Jeff.
Dean: Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?
Fourth Wall (Abed): No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.

Basic Story [5.12][edit]

Jeff: This inspection is going to be the most boring thing to happen here since Britta dated Troy.

Shirley: I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.
Jeff: You got something in your teeth.
Shirley: Mhm. You got something in your chest.

Annie: We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.
Hickey: Why?
Annie: Because once the Internet knows about something, it changes.
Jeff: Right. Just ask Chris Brown or China.

Basic Sandwich [5.13][edit]

Jeff: M'Lady.
Annie: M'Lord.

Abed: We'll definitely be back next year. If not, it'll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilization. And that's canon.

Season 6[edit]

Ladders [6.01][edit]

Britta: Shirley went to look after her dad in Atlanta and ended up taking a job as a personal chef to a brilliant but troubled southern detective. I told her I'd manage her sandwich shop where she's gone.
Jeff: Oh, that's very generous of you. I have a friend in town, every time you're gonna need help with that.
Annie: She'll be back.
Chang: Like Troy? Are any of you white people noticing what's happening to this group? Do Abed and I need to be concerned?
Jeff: You have my word, as leader of the white people there's no cause for alarm.
Dean: [walks in with Frankie] Say hello to new Shirley!

Abed: My umbrella concern is that you, as a character, represent the end of what I used to call our show. Which was once an unlikely family of misfit students, is now a pretty loose knit group of students and teachers. None of whom are taking a class together in a school which, as of your arrival is coming increasingly grounded asking questions like, how do any of us get our money? When will we get our degrees, and what happened to that girl I was dating? As opposed to questions I consider more important like, what is real? What is sanity? Is there a god? Where's that Pierce hologram? Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it. So, if there's a Pierce ghost on campus, I'd like to get a head start on busting it.
Frankie Dart: All right. This is the first I've heard that I'm a character on a show. I'm excited to be one, but I agree, I'll be a boring one. Quirks are not my strong suit, results are. I love quirky people. I come from a big family of people who are literally insane. I moved down here to take care of one of them. But I myself am exceptionally boring, and I am quite proud to be that way, because it allows me to help the less boring people turn quirks into results.
Abed: That's the most interesting take on not being interesting that I've ever heard.

Lawnmower Maintenance and Postnatal Care [6.02][edit]

Dean: Guess what I just purchased for the school from a local manufacturer? Greendale's first virtual reality operating system.
Frankie: Did Greendale need a virtual reality system?
Dean: Uh, like a hole in the head.
Frankie: A hole in the head is something you don't need.
Dean: She said through a huge hole in her head.

Jeff: I can copy a file by holding my finger down on a phone.
Elroy Patashnik: Well, so can a monkey. Now, you're describing a system for animals. Terrestrial slobs bound to the earth by their meaty feet. I designed a system for gods.

Basic Crisis Room Decorum [6.03][edit]

Abed: The brotherhood of AV exists beyond your petty factionalism. We serve only video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort audio.
Chang: Can you guys be bigger nerds?
Abed: No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.

Annie: I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth, but do you agree that the truth won't be horrible?
Frankie: I'm not psychic Annie. That's an illusion caused by extreme preparedness.
Annie: But what do you hope is true?
Frankie: Oh God no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed attic-bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming. What's true will be true Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth.

Queer Studies and Advanced Waxing [6.04][edit]

Elroy: Kid, animals have been murdering each other for 3 billion years. Birds have had their 15 million in the spotlight. The same as lizards and plants and they all just use it to murder, eat, screw and not invent Wi-Fi. Now we may end up saving this world, or blowing it to hell or making a new one. But we can’t do any of it while scheduling our evolution around the needs of the least lucky birds.
Abed: What are you, a demon? Did Clive Barker write you?
Elroy: Anyone who finds that nest, will come to the same decision. And you don't have to get mean.
Abed: Mean? You just did a baby bird murder monologue.

[Chang and Annie are on stage rehearsing a stage adaption of The Karate Kid]
Chang: Show me wax on.
Matt Lundergard: [whispers in Chang's ear] This is the worst acting I've ever seen in my life.
Chang: Show me wax off.
Matt: [whispers in Chang's ear] The ghost of your father just turned his back on you. Your ancestors are clawing their way deeper into the Earth to get away from you, you make me embarrassed to have thumbs, I can see air quotes around you.
Chang: Show me paint fence.
Matt: Knock, knock, knock, anybody home? Oh look, there's nobody here. Oh it's so dusty, it's almost like nobody's been here in years. There's a note: "Never let me act."
Annie: Mr. Lundergard, I'm sorry, but I cannot stand by while you do this.
Matt: That's fine, you can go.
Annie: I'm not bluffing. You can't make an actor more talented by yelling at them. And if you don't stop, your lead character is going to walk.
Matt: Lead? You play Danny LaRusso.
Annie: Well, I'm the Karate Kid.
Matt: The Karate Kid is about Kesuke Miyagi, an immigrant who fought against his own people in World War II, while his wife lost a child in an internment camp. Noriyuki Morita was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance. Ralph Macchio? Showed up. I cast you because your measurements allow me to use the same wardrobe as last year. I cast Ben because he has the sadness and talent that could make this show great. If I have to physically drill into his chest and suck it out with a straw! So you can take a flying kick and a rolling donut! You're fired!

Laws of Robotics and Party Rights [6.05][edit]

Jeff: Why did Frankie call us here?
Dean: I don't know. Some financial prospect that could put the school in the black. Which always confuses me, because black means bad. When it's a cat or banana or a shirt that makes you think you've lost more weight than you have.
Chang: Nice save. Sorry about that, man.
Elroy: Hm? What? Did someone use the word "black" and now you want me to give you the all-clear? Please tell me that won't be my role in this group. I have a brain the size of Jupiter. I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster.
Dean: No, I promise, this group does not think that way. In fact, before you got here, they had two—
Jeff: No.
Dean: They had to often step back and remind themselves that they weren't one collective ray of light.
Elroy: Is this a cult? Are you gonna eat me?
Britta: No, we're fine, I lived in New York.

Jeff: Everyone's so charmed by him because he's a violent criminal. But he's also a petty sociopath, and the more I try to point that out, the pettier I look.
Britta: Weren't you the one that championed this program? Shouldn't have worn that petard if you didn't want to be hoisted by it.
Jeff: What do you think the expression "hoisted by your own petard" is referencing?
Britta: I guess I just assume that in the old days a petard was a special outfit like a leotard with a lot of fancy buckles and loops on it. And that rich people would wear them when they were feeling especially smug. But then poor people could tie a rope to one of the loops and hoist them up a pole and then let them dangle there as punishment for being cocky.
Jeff: Never look it up. Your explanation is way better. But also the next time a friend comes by with their problems, maybe lay off the "I told you so"s.
Britta: Jeff, we're having a Britta party here. Could you be a little bit less of a buzz kill?

Basic Email Security [6.06][edit]

Britta: For God sakes, we're freaking Americans. We're talking about freedom of speech! It's the amendment so important it's literally the first one they remembered to add!
Elroy: For white people.
Frankie: With penises.
Jeff: We prefer to be called "people without color or vaginas".

Chang: What's the lesson here? I always wanna make sure I know what the lesson is. I'm a completist.
Britta: The rest of the school's in shambles, so maybe we're more evolved and forgiving than them.
Chang: We already know that, stupid.
Jeff: I feel more desensitized to jokes about Jews and blacks. Is that good?
Annie: Say what?
Abed: We know the pieces of our privacy, freedom of speech, terrorism, and government. So, the lesson is probably an ironic pairing, like one man's privacy is another man's freedom.
Britta: Government is terrorism.
Elroy: The only free speech is private speech.
Frankie: A free government terrorizes privacy. That's all four, bitches.
Annie: Terror is terrorized by...
Jeff: Terry the terrorist?
Chang: Tarry not, for terrorism terrifies.

Advanced Safety Features [6.07][edit]

Abed: I haven't exactly been a whirlwind of entertainment since Troy left.
Annie: That's not true.
Abed: It's not just me, you guys have been boring too.
Frankie: Okay. I just gotta ask. What was so special about this Troy person? Did he own a rainbow? Was he the group's pharmacist?
Britta: We don't like to talk about it.
Frankie: But you often do. I'm a problem solver give me information.
Jeff: I'll handle this. Troy was very gifted at steel drums.
Frankie: Steel drums. Interesting. Well, this has been a great meeting. I'm off. [leaves the room]
Jeff: That won't pay off immediately, but it's gonna pay off.

Elroy: [Enters the bar and sees Britta] Oh man. You people are everywhere. I was looking for a place to hide.
Britta: Don't worry, I'm not gonna bother you.
Elroy: Okay then, give me a gin and tonic. Your friend Jeff booked "Natalie is Freezing" for the dance.
Britta: What? Tonight? We gotta go! Why aren't you excited?
Elroy: I used to date her.
Britta: Natalie?
Elroy: Her name is Julie. Why would the band's name be her name? She's an artist.
Britta: We've listened to them together. You never said anything about this.
Elroy: She messed me up, she messed me up pretty good. Here's to forgetting.
Britta: Not gonna toast to that.
Elroy: Well, then forget you too.
Britta: Give me a break, that's the whole problem. Everybody's in such a rush to protect themselves from each other. Sure, yes, you gotta defend your castle, but you also gotta... what's that thing that castles have?
Elroy: Walls.
Britta: Come on.
Elroy: A moat.
Britta: It goes over the moat, goes over the moat.
Elroy: Enemy knights, cavalry... arrows?
Britta: No, come on. Stop it. It goes like this. [makes lifting drawbridge motion with her arms]
Elroy: Alligators?
Britta: No, it's one thing. It's mechanical.
Elroy: One mechanical alligator?
Britta: Are you screwing with me?
Elroy: I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!
Britta: It's one mechanical thing! It goes over the moat! It goes like this!
Elroy: A catapult!
Britta: Aah!
Elroy: Oh, Jesus!

Intro to Recycled Cinema [6.08][edit]

Abed: The film's hero is Police Justice. I had a real life former cop help me with the dialogue.
Chang: [in the film] I'm gonna punch you in the heart.
Abed: Real life former cops aren't great with dialogue.
Britta: I don't think police should be heroes.
Annie: Britta, pay your rent.

Jeff: I finally know in my heart, that I will literally be the last one of us here. And I know, they gave digital muscles to Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. I watched Parks and Rec. I watched it. There's no scientific explanation for...
Abed: Hm, Jeff. You helped me learn something about film making today that I think we all need to apply to life. It's okay to plan some stuff, and it's okay to figure out what we did wrong. But our plans are randomly gonna fall apart and our lessons are randomly gonna be wrong, and if we just keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap eventually Annie is going to reach down her shirt and pull out a laser bomb. I didn't write that, we didn't plan that. God made that happen. God made this movie, and it's dumb. And we're dumb for being in it. Life is a big, dumb, pointless movie with no story and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot by Dracula in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake. But somewhere in there, every once in a while.
Jeff: Annie reaches down her shirt.
Abed: So we keep the cameras rolling, and we edit out the parts we don't like, and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much, because it is not healthy.

Grifting 101 [6.09][edit]

Abed: Jeff you haven't even looked at the new course catalog! I'm like a kid in the candy store.
Jeff: Yeah, the candy has kind of lost it's appeal now that I work at the store. You might say becoming a teacher here gave me diabetes.
Chang: I was just saying that! Are you always thirsty, fatigued, and you have blurry vision and your cuts heal slower?
Elroy: Those are actual diabetes symptoms.
Chang: That's what the doctor said!
Frankie: So is he treating it?
Chang: I asked him the same thing!
Frankie: What did he say?
Chang: He said make an appointment through his office during business hours, this is his home, his children sleep here, you know doctors.

Professor Roger DeSalvo: Okay, so like a string is a sweater. Like paint is the Sistine Chapel. Sure, grifting includes lying, but only a liar would call grifting lying.

Basic RV Repair and Palmistry [6.10][edit]

Jeff: I'm sick of it! It's a show. It's not a show. It's your show. It's my show. It's a good show. It's a bad show. I'm sick of it. I don't want to hear the word "show" again.
Annie: So now it's a show about... this?
Jeff: Your right, that's way worse. Abed come back!

Frankie: No, we're not spending the night here. So what's the second option? (Which I'm nicknaming "Little Course of Action").
Elroy: I rewire the second battery to engine and hope it can start it. If it doesn't, we're spending a very cold night with two dead batteries.
Frankie: Okay, let's switch the batteries then. Good democracy.

Modern Espionage [6.11][edit]

Jeff: Do I use echolocation to navigate?
Elroy: Why would you ask that after learning you're not a bat?

Abed: DJ might be the guy from MeowMeowBeenz.
Jeff: We need clean intelligence, Abed. No references, no call backs.

Wedding Videography [6.12][edit]

Jeff: [to the camera] You don't need perfect people to make a perfect team. You need people whose flaws feed into each other. It's, uh - what do you call it - umm...
Frankie: Codependence.
Jeff: Synergy. For instance, there might be something Britta hates doing but Annie loves doing. Or there might be something that Annie hates doing but she does it anyways because what she really loves is to feel useful.
Frankie: You literally just defined "codependence".
Jeff: Here's to synergy. [Raises his hand. Annie immediately places a glass of alcohol in it]

Frankie: Annie, the world will still need you after you finish that cake.
Annie: Am I that bad?
Frankie: We have the same dragon. Eventually you will slay it, or train it, or dissolve in its stomach. Its name is "helping others."
Annie: If I train it, can I give it a cooler name?
Frankie: If you train it, you can do anything you want. If you slay it, I don't know, I guess you get a new dragon named "yourself", and then you'll be Jeff Winger.

Elroy: [after discovering that Garrett and his wife are related] Now, this is a man that knows how to marry his cousin!

Emotional Consequences of Broadcast Television [6.13][edit]

Abed: TV defeats its own purpose when it's pushing an agenda, or trying to defeat other TV or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing. It's TV, it's comfort. It's a friend you've known so well, and for so long you just let it be with you, and it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day or phone in a day. And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back. Because eventually, it all will.

Annie: You're gonna be fine, you know?
Jeff: I don't want to be fine. I want to be 25 and heading out into the world. I want to fall asleep on a beach and be able to walk the next day, or stay up all night on accident. I want to wear a white t-shirt without looking like I forgot to get dressed. I want to be terrified of AIDS. I want to have an opinion about those... boring ass Marvel movies, and I want those opinions to be of any concern to the people making them.
Annie: Well, I want to live in the same home for more than a year. Order wine without feeling nervous. Have a resume full of crazy mistakes instead of crazy lies. I want stories and wisdom, perspective. I want to have so much behind me, I'm not a slave to what's in front of me. Especially these... flavorless, unremarkable Marvel movies.
Jeff: They are so not a big deal!
Annie: I know!
Jeff: It's just all there is!
Annie: Yes! And you get to say that. I could screw myself if I say it. There's pressures on me you don't have to live under... if you accept that you're older, and let the kid stuff go.
Jeff: I let you go Annie. In my hands, in my head. The heart... which cynics say is code for penis... wants what it wants. But I let you go.
Annie: [checks her phone] The others are coming. I think you should kiss me goodbye, or you might regret it for the rest of your life.
Jeff: What about you?
Annie: Well, I'll regret the kiss for a week. I'm in my twenties, who cares?
[Annie and Jeff kiss]

Abed: Cool, cool, cool. Cool [Chang farts loudly], cool, cool.
Chang: I farted on the fourth one. It's an inside joke.



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