Community (TV series)
Community (2009–) is an American comedy series that premiered on NBC about students at a community college in the fictional city of Greendale, Colorado.
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Pilot [1.01]
- 1.2 Spanish 101 [1.02]
- 1.3 Introduction to Film [1.03]
- 1.4 Social Psychology [1.04]
- 1.5 Advanced Criminal Law [1.05]
- 1.6 Football, Feminism and You [1.06]
- 1.7 Introduction to Statistics [1.07]
- 1.8 Home Economics [1.08]
- 1.9 Debate 109 [1.09]
- 1.10 Environmental Science [1.10]
- 1.11 Politics of Human Sexuality [1.11]
- 1.12 Comparative Religion [1.12]
- 1.13 Investigative Journalism [1.13]
- 1.14 Interpretive Dance [1.14]
- 1.15 Romantic Expressionism [1.15]
- 1.16 Communication Studies [1.16]
- 1.17 Physical Education [1.17]
- 1.18 Basic Genealogy [1.18]
- 1.19 Beginner Pottery [1.19]
- 1.20 The Science of Illusion [1.20]
- 1.21 Contemporary American Poultry [1.21]
- 1.22 The Art of Discourse [1.22]
- 1.23 Modern Warfare [1.23]
- 1.24 English as a Second Language [1.24]
- 1.25 Pascal's Triangle Revisited [1.25]
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Anthropology 101 [2.1]
- 2.2 Accounting for Lawyers [2.2]
- 2.3 Accounting for Lawyers [2.3]
- 2.4 Basic Rocket Science [2.4]
- 2.5 Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples [2.5]
- 2.6 Epidemiology [2.6]
- 2.7 Aerodynamics of Gender [2.7]
- 2.8 Cooperative Calligraphy [2.8]
- 2.9 Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design [2.9]
- 2.10 Mixology Certification [2.10]
- 2.11 Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas [2.11]
- 2.12 Asian Population Studies [2.12]
- 2.13 Celebrity Pharmacology [2.13]
- 2.14 Advanced Dungeons & Dragons [2.14]
- 2.15 Early 21st Century Romanticism [2.15]
- 2.16 Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking [2.16]
- 2.17 Intro to Political Science [2.17]
- 2.18 Critical Film Studies [2.19]
- 2.19 Paradigms of Human Memory [2.21]
- 2.20 Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts [2.22]
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 Biology 101 [3.01]
- 3.2 Geography of Global Conflicts [3.02]
- 3.3 Remedial Chaos Theory [3.03]
- 3.4 Competitive Ecology [3.04]
- 3.5 Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps [3.05]
- 3.6 Advanced Gay [3.06]
- 3.7 Studies in Modern Movement [3.07]
- 3.8 Documentary Filmmaking Redux [3.08]
- 3.9 Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism [3.09]
- 3.10 Regional Holiday Music [3.10]
- 3.11 Digital Exploration of Interior Design (Part 1) [3.13]
- 3.12 Basic Lupine Urology [3.17]
- 3.13 Course Listing Unavailable [3.18]
- 3.14 Curriculum Unavailable [3.19]
- 3.15 Digital Estate Planning [3.20]
- 3.16 The First Chang Dynasty [3.21]
- 3.17 Introduction to Finality [3.22]
- 4 Season 4
- 5 Season 5
- 5.1 Repilot [5.01]
- 5.2 Introduction to Teaching [5.02]
- 5.3 Basic Intergluteal Numismatics [5.03]
- 5.4 Cooperative Polygraphy [5.04]
- 5.5 Geothermal Escapism [5.05]
- 5.6 Analysis of Cork-Based Networking [5.06]
- 5.7 Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality [5.07]
- 5.8 App Development and Condiments [5.08]
- 5.9 VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing [5.09]
- 5.10 Advanced Advanced Dungeons & Dragons [5.10]
- 5.11 G.I. Jeff [5.11]
- 5.12 Basic Story (Part 1) [5.12]
- 5.13 Basic Sandwich (Part 2) [5.13]
- 6 Cast
- 7 External links
- Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
- Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?
- Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.
- Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals?
- Troy: Feet!
- Pierce: No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.
- Jeff: We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this! [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies, just a little bit, on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.
- Pierce: Big mistake.
- Troy: Got a point.
- Jeff: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.
- Pierce: The Dalai Lama and I-
- Jeff: We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.
- Pierce: Soup?
Spanish 101 [1.02]
- Pierce: [raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.
- Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.
- Jeff: Hey, you know what today is? [Hands Britta a card] It's the two week anniversary of my horrible first impression.
- Britta: There's a card for that?
- Jeff: Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this Transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man, by reading from the Torah.
Introduction to Film [1.03]
- Abed: I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
- Troy: He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!
- Jeff: Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl!
- Troy: And how 'bout I pound you like a boy! That didn't come out right.
Social Psychology [1.04]
- Annie: This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
- Abed: Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. ...Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.
- Duncan: The Duncan Principle is simple. Namely, the more control lost by the... [students begin writing] Yeah, I'm going to write this down too, actually.
Advanced Criminal Law [1.05]
- Troy: The only difference between Señor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Señor Chang is.
- Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
- Duncan: [Incredulous] You did what?
- Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
- Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!
Football, Feminism and You [1.06]
- Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
- Troy: That's racist.
- Jeff: Your soul.
- Troy: That's racist.
- Jeff: Your eyes?
- Troy: That's gay?
- Jeff: That's homophobic.
- Troy: That's black.
- Jeff: That's racist.
- Troy: Damn.
- Troy: Hip, hop, body don't stop. Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in the box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip-flop.
- Annie: Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?
- Troy Barnes: Bing, bong, sing along. Your team's Al Gore 'cause your views are wrong.
Introduction to Statistics [1.07]
- Jeff: Batman, are you staying for the party?
- Abed: [in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.
- Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.
- But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant. Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping. No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.
- [Troy and Abed are talking with their best Batman voices]
- Troy: Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.
- Abed: Yeah, it sure does.
- Troy: At like a candy traffic school. Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel. And he's drunk!
- Abed: Look out!
- Troy: We drivin'. But you keep wantin' to eat yourself.
- Abed: All day.
- Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.
- Abed: What is?
- Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...
- Abed: You would eat yourself?
- Troy: I wouldn't even question it.
- Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.
- Abed: Mmm. That'd be tasty.
- Troy: It's cool to know other people think about this stuff, too.
- Abed: Yeah. Yeah.
Home Economics [1.08]
- [Britta turns off the TV.]
- Jeff: Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...
- Britta: I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.
- Jeff: Yeah, but they had good times.
- Jeff: How are you so satisfied all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
- Abed: [thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.
- Jeff: And someday, you will know it by its true name: diabetes.
- Abed: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
- Jeff: I'm sorry?
- Abed: You're Goldie Hawn.
- Jeff: Is it the lips?
- Abed: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
- Jeff: Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
- Abed: You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.
Debate 109 [1.09]
- Dean Pelton: Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?
- Jeff: I hang on every word.
- Dean Pelton: I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.
- Jeff: Correct.
- Dean Pelton: So you didn't hear my announcement?
- Jeff: I'm barely listening now.
- Jeff: Ugh!
- Annie: What's wrong?
- Jeff: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
- Annie: It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.
- Jeff: I hate it!
- Annie: Well get used to it! You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate!
Environmental Science [1.10]
- [Señor Chang has assigned excessive homework.]
- Britta: There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
- Annie: I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]
- Jeff: [Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?
- Annie: You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.
- Pierce: Yeah, go tongue Chang.
- Jeff: Guys, what makes you think I can convince Chang of anything if I can't convince you not to make me do it?
- Shirley: Well, I guess it sounds crazy...
- Troy: Jeff does raise a good point.
- [The others murmur in agreement]
- Troy: Wait! You are convincing!
- [The others gasp and exclaim their realization]
- [Chang is going through a split with his wife]
- Chang: You make no mistake about this, Winger: I pleasure that woman greatly.
- Jeff: Psh, yeah, you look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.
Politics of Human Sexuality [1.11]
- Shirley: Pierce has got a girlfriend!
- Britta: That's great. What's she do?
- Pierce: She's an escort.
- Shirley: Oh...
- Jeff: Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?
- Dean: Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever.
- Britta: You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?
- Dean: Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.
- Britta: Problem solved.
Comparative Religion [1.12]
- Shirley: I'm so sick of the dean jamming his PC-ness down my throat.
- Jeff: Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.
- Britta: Guys, are we really going to let religion divide us? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.
- Abed: I get 72 virgins in heaven.
- Britta: ...No.
Investigative Journalism [1.13]
- Jeff: [After being kicked in the face by Buddy] No no, its fine, it's fine. It's just little a nose bleed. I get 'em when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.
- Abed: Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?
- Jeff: The one with, uh... the army.
- Abed: That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.
Interpretive Dance [1.14]
- Jeff: You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?
- Dean: Yes, we do... number two.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Dean Pelton?
- Dean: Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?
- Pierce: [talking about Troy's dancing] Troy, what you did took guts. I'm impressed.
- Troy: Thanks Pierce.
- Pierce: And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.
Romantic Expressionism [1.15]
- Jeff: You know what I don't get? He [Vaughn] never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes. Why hasn't he died from lack of service?
- Shirley: You don't see me saying anything crazy about Abed and Troy's weird relationship.
- Abed and Troy: [to each other] They're just jealous.
Communication Studies [1.16]
- Dean Pelton: [over P.A.] It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.
- Abed: Another muffin basket from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
- Jeff: Does that work?
- Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.
Physical Education [1.17]
- [Abed is being a "different version of himself"; Annie is standing in as the girl Abed intends to court]
- Abed: What are you reading?
- Annie: Pride and Prejudice.
- Abed: So you're familiar with two sins... how about a third?
- Shirley: Ooh! [Everyone leans in closer as Abed pulls out a cigarette case.]
- Annie: I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
- Abed: Well, then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you?
- [Abed leans in for a kiss and is interrupted at the last second.]
- Shirley: Abed, what are you doing?!
- Abed: Don Draper from Mad Men. What did you think?
- Britta: Weird.
- Troy: Awesome.
- Pierce: Put your tongue in her ear.
- Annie: I liked it.
- Abed: The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.
- Britta: So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?
- Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.
- [There is a pause]
- Jeff: Abed, you're a god.
Basic Genealogy [1.18]
- Abed: I hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is—
- Troy: —Thinking?
- Abed: Yeah. And they're always finishing each other's—
- Troy: —Pie?
- Abed: Exactly. It's creepy.
- Annie: How much effort do I rate?
- Jeff: For you, I’d break a light sweat.
- Annie: Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
- Jeff: You're becoming dangerous, Annie. It’s those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain.
Beginner Pottery [1.19]
- Admiral Slaughter: I don't see students here; I see seamen. I didn't create them. From the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen," and that's the mark of a real seaman.
- Abed: Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.
The Science of Illusion [1.20]
- Dean Pelton: From now on, April 1st is now March 32nd.
- Britta: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Cancer!" "Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!"
Contemporary American Poultry [1.21]
- Troy: If it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger.
The Art of Discourse [1.22]
- Abed: You still call me a terrorist.
- Pierce: If you're not, I'm sorry. If you are, I'm a hero. It's a risk I'm prepared to take.
- Shirley: Come on, everybody, let's not make fun of Annie.
- Annie: No, no, I don't want anybody's pity. You know, come to think of it, after Pierce, you're the most bigoted.
- Shirley: What?
- Annie: When you found out I was Jewish, you invited me into a 'pool party' that turned out to be a baptism.
- Shirley: Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven!
Modern Warfare [1.23]
- Troy: [talking about the paintball competition] What's the prize?
- Dean: It was a DVD Blu-Ray player but it was stolen, so now it's TBD.
- Troy: I want TBD. Is that new?
- Pierce: if it's what I think I had it for a month in the seventies.
- Pierce: You want my advice, pork her and move on. It's what we did back in my day.
- Jeff: Yes, but you also put hydrogen in balloons and that was bad.
English as a Second Language [1.24]
- [Annie has betrayed the group]
- Jeff: Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lip is going to quiver and her eyes will flutter but they won't ever actually close but do not feel sorry for her!
- Jeff: Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!
- Annie: I said I was sorry!
- Jeff: Who cares if you're sorry? We're still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DON'T DO IT!
Pascal's Triangle Revisited [1.25]
- Chang: [pulls out a roll of coins] Do you know what this is?
- Duncan: A roll of quarters?
- Chang: Yeah, that's right! [punches Duncan]
- Jeff: Slater makes me feel like I do when I write my new years resolutions. She makes me feel like the guy I want to be. And Britta makes me feel like the guy I am three weeks after new years, when I’m back to hitting my snooze button and screening my mom’s phone calls. Back to who I really am. So, do you try to evolve? Or do you try to know what you are?
Anthropology 101 [2.1]
- Chang: Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?
- Jeff: Look, we have the strength to survive anything. What's the worst that can happen with Chang?
- Chang: [growling] I told you they hate you. [chuckles; then, normally] No! They just said they needed more time! [menacingly] Time? They destroyed your life! How much time before we take revenge? [normally] But they're my friends! [menacingly] I'm your only friend! [normally] No! [menacingly, lifting his hands into the air] Ha ha ha! [normally] No!! [menacingly] Ah ha ha ha! [normally] Nooooo!
Accounting for Lawyers [2.2]
- [Annie, Troy, and Abed are about to break into an office]
- Troy: Annie, go back and keep lookout.
- Annie: Wait, why me lookout? Why not you guys?
- Troy: 'Cause, if someone comes up here, Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail. You get taken to dinner.
- Annie: [flouncing energetically] You guys! I'm the smartest one in this group and all I've been used for is bait and distraction! [notices that the others are looking at her chest] Ugh! Go on your stupid mission. I hope it sucks. [she leaves]
- Troy: What did she say?
- Abed: I don't know.
- Troy: All I heard was "suck."
- Shirley: [excitedly] Guys, guys, do you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?
- Jeff: Shirley, don't sue a stripper.
- Shirley: Why not?
- Jeff: She's a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.
Accounting for Lawyers [2.3]
- Jeff: [to Britta and Annie] Wow. You guys are real downers. I can't believe I made out with both of you.
- Duncan: [watching Britta and Annie wrestle in oil] Now this is why I came to America.
Basic Rocket Science [2.4]
- Abed: [about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?
- Dean Pelton: No. That is a job for some upstanding students who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
- Leonard: [sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.
- Jeff: We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.
- Abed: I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined. I would love to make a Jesus movie.
- [Leonard and the others abandon Pierce and Richard after dementia-ridden Richard crashes the Dean's car]
- Pierce: Richard, are you alright?
- Richard: Who's Richard? Is that me?
- Pierce: Yes.
- Richard: Then I'm fine. Who are those people running away? Are those my friends?
- Pierce: Now, that's a very good question.
- [A cat frequently leaps, shrieking, through the air in front of Jeff, Abed, and Troy.]
- Jeff: What is up with that cat?
- Troy: Is someone throwing it?
- Troy: I'm a dracula.
- Abed: You mean a vampire?
- Troy: I don't need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. Nerd.
Aerodynamics of Gender [2.7]
- [Troy and Jeff are playing basketball]
- Troy: Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?
- Jeff: 'Cause you've been traveling all day?
- Troy: 'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.
- Annie: [to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!
- Abed: Like RoboCop?
- Britta: Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.
Cooperative Calligraphy [2.8]
- Britta: [looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
- Abed: That's mine.
- Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
- Annie: What is it?
- Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
- Abed: That's my personal private business.
- Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next: November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
- Annie: What?! Gross!
- Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
- Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
- Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
- Britta: [angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records. And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread.
- Jeff: Bend and spread? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?
- Troy: Do they find thoughts in people's butts? I knew I should've read that book!
- Dean: I have always dreamt of playing charades with you, Jeffrey. Just not like this! And not on dry land!
- Professor Professorson: And so on, and so on, ex-chetterah!
- Jeff: ...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?
- Professor Professorson: My latin class was fake, Jeff.
Mixology Certification [2.10]
- Troy: Alcohol makes people sad. It's the Lifetime movie of beverages.
- Study Group: [Singing] To you!
- Pierce: That was weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?
- Shirley: You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
- Abed: Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.
- Troy: [Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.
Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas [2.11]
- [after Jeff is eaten by Hum-bugs for being sarcastic]
- Annie: Ooh! Can I sing this one? [Abed nods and Annie sings] Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / Than a haircut in a box.
- Troy: Annie. Nice!
- Annie: Get what I did with the word presence?
- Abed: [opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
- Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
- Abed: No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
- Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.
Asian Population Studies [2.12]
- Annie: It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
- Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
- Annie: It doesn't matter.
- Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
- Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
- Annie: No.
- Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
- Annie: No.
- Pierce: The white George Foreman?
- Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
- Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
- Abed: Bluestreak?
- Pierce: Optimus Prime?
- Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
- Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
- Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
- Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
- Chang: What's this? What's going on?
- Abed: It's a mixer.
- Chang: Well, why's everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member? And you didn't invite me?
- Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
- Chang: What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.
- Abed: We didn't know how to reach you.
- Chang: That's not true. That's a lie.
- Abed: [twitching] It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
- [Chang backs away]
- Abed: Works every time.
Celebrity Pharmacology [2.13]
- Dean Pelton: Well, that answers my question. Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin.
- Abed: Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint their vans and solve mysteries.
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons [2.14]
- Narrator: [as the study group plays D&D] And so it was that the group began to describe themselves walking, and as they described themselves walking so did Abed confirm they walked.
- Troy: [to Britta] You are the AT&T of people.
Early 21st Century Romanticism [2.15]
- Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.
- Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
- Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books?"
- Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
- Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
- Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and, if so, which one?
- Mariah: We need to get something straight first. This is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
- Abed: Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
- Mariah: Okay, deal.
- Abed: Yesss.
- Mariah: [indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
- Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
- Mariah: No.
- Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
- Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.
- Annie: [referring to Page, Britta's supposedly lesbian friend] So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?
- Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
- Annie: It's homophobic to ask questions?
- Britta: If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?
- Annie: Have I?
- Britta: Don't know. Not a homophobe.
- Annie: [spots Page from a distance] Oh.
- Britta: Oh, there's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.
- Pierce: I was never one to hold grudges, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.
Intro to Political Science [2.17]
- Special Agent Glenn Keenlan: [Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.
- Abed: Where were you a week ago?
Critical Film Studies [2.19]
- Abed: Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
- Jeff: Here and there.
- Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message—a very nice message—from the people who make Cougar Town.
- Jeff: Looking for work?
- Abed: [Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
- Jeff: Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
- Abed: So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.
- Jeff: Wait, what? You went? When?
- Abed: Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.
- Jeff: Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
- Abed: You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk—as Chad—and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on—Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.
Paradigms of Human Memory [2.21]
- Jeff: [referring to The Cape] That show's gonna last three weeks!
- Abed: Six seasons and a movie!
- Troy: Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that, for the good of the group, we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?
- Jeff: Troy, we never said ourselves.
- Troy: Okay, now I'm really mad.
- Duncan: [Dean enters anthropology classroom while Duncan is drinking wine, so Duncan throws the glass on floor] And that's how Jews celebrate at weddings! Anthropology!
- Chang: L'chaim!
- Chang: Chang babies love the sauce, you know? Alcohol and Duck.
Biology 101 [3.01]
- Britta: Okay, guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.
- Jeff: Umm, Britta. [Points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]
- Annie: So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.
- Jeff: Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.
- Pierce: [Suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.
- Shirley: Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?
- Starburns: Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no one's really interested in that, are they?
- Shirley: No.
Geography of Global Conflicts [3.02]
- Annie: Well, the real important thing is that there is a Model U.N., it doesn't really matter who starts it. It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her resume, and lead the Greendale team to the national Model U.N., and meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, and will.i.am.
- Troy: [Excited] Boutros Boutros-Ghali?!
- Professor Cligoris: A logical, effective, common-sense move, Annie Kim, one which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself: A fundamentally symbolic organisation founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures. Blue UN wins!
Remedial Chaos Theory [3.03]
- Jeff: Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual virginity.
- Troy: Haha! Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.
- Britta: You've got a bowl of olives next to the toilet?
- Troy: It's a fancy party, Britta.
Competitive Ecology [3.04]
- Annie: [To Jeff] Who the hell are you always texting?! Everyone you know is here!
- Todd: What is wrong with you people?! Huh?! I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird! And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades! Or Biology, or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm going to hold my wife and my child close and I'm going to finally take my insulin shot! Offense taken! [Quietly] Offense taken.
Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps [3.05]
- Britta: Remember last week when I made you guys fill out those anonymous personality tests from my psych class?
- Jeff: Look, if you dropped them in another puddle...
- Abed: Here we are: a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.
- Britta: That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.
- Abed: And I am comforted by your facial symmetry.
Advanced Gay [3.06]
- [Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]
- Britta: Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.
- Annie: Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.
- Jeff: Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.
- Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
- Shirley: You can excuse racism?
Studies in Modern Movement [3.07]
- Britta: [To Annie] I forgot you're twenty. When you become roommates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.
Documentary Filmmaking Redux [3.08]
- Jeff: [As Dean] Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean! I'm a silly goose. Honk honk! Dean-a-lee-doo! Look at me! This is my sister's outfit!
- Dean: Jeffrey, stop. [Pause] You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.
- Annie: The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.
- Abed: Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?
- Annie: Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.
- Jeff: Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.
- Karl: Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.
- Jeff: Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
- Juergen: Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.
- Jeff: Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. Juergen scores a point]
- Juergen: I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.
- Jeff: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?
- Karl: You take that back!
- Juergen: We came to play. Get away from our table.
- Shirley: We're using it, strudel-brain.
- Jeff: Nice.
- Juergen: Then play us for it.
- Shirley: Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.
- Juergen: Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.
- Jeff: We're gonna kick das butt.
- Shirley: Nice.
- Jeff: Thank you.
- Juergen: Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]
- Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a twenty-five dollar bit, and it's not even that good!
Regional Holiday Music [3.10]
- Jeff: Not liking Glee club doesn't make us bullies. And implying that is reverse bullying.
- Annie: [Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas
- Show me how to open a box
- It hurts my little head
- When I'm lying in my bed
- With visions of sugarplum... socks?
- Jeff: [Confused] Is this a bit?
- Annie: Teach me how to understand Christmas
- Do I trim the tree or the deer?
- I can't keep it straight
- And now it's getting late
- Where does the stocking go? [Puts it on her head] Here? I can't see!
- What's a Christmas Eve, is that Santa's lady?
- Are snowmen cold or hot?
- Won't you be my daddy?
- I'm a silly Christmas baby!
- Tell me what to deck, 'cause I forgot!
- Jeff: Annie–
- Annie: Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas
- Mistletoe for eaty, taste good?
- You smarty, me dumb; help pwetty have fun!
- Boopy doopy boop doop sex!
- Jeff: Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
- Annie: What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]
Digital Exploration of Interior Design (Part 1) [3.13]
- Britta: [To Shirley and Pierce] Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: Britta Unfiltered.
- Pierce: Unfiltered. I get it.
- Britta: Get what?
- Britta: [To Shirley and Pierce] I am not a whore, and, not that I've done the math, but, if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.
Basic Lupine Urology [3.17]
- Troy: How did we get the short straw?
- Abed: It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato.
- Troy: Yeah, well, it looks pretty cold to me.
- Abed: Cold or dead?.
- Troy: Survey says...
- Abed: We can't both do the zinger.
- Jeff: If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.
- Annie: Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.
Digital Estate Planning [3.20]
- Britta: You're just jealous because we found a world where I know what I'm doing.
- Pierce: [about Abed] Uh-Oh. He's playing the Rain Man card. Let's bounce.
The First Chang Dynasty [3.21]
Introduction to Finality [3.22]
- Britta: Today is Abed's first therapy session.
- Jeff: His what?
- Britta: He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?
- Leonard: Classic tee-up.
- Britta: Shut up, Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.
- Leonard: No such thing as bad press.
- Evil Abed: You're worried you'll go crazy without Troy. That's why you're going to let Britta fix you, right? Because you think you're broken, you're going to get diagnosed by someone who said her favorite superhero was X-Man.
History 101 [4.01]
- Dean: As you know, our student records are held on a Microsoft Paint file, which I was assured was future-proof...
- Shirley: Jeffrey, is that blood on your shirt?
- Jeff: No! It's cool! It's Leonard's.
- Britta: I wish to end all wars.
- Troy: That's another rule. No wishes containing the word 'all'. Guaranteed ironic consequences.
- Britta: I don't think anyone's going to miss wars.
- Troy: Star Wars, Thumb Wars, wow, Storage Wars!
- Pearce: Gay Balls! Nailed it!
- Mailman (reads note) Hello. My name is Kevin. I have Changnesia.
Paranormal Parentage [4.02]
- Jeff: The dead can't have business. They can't want or think or do. It's the living that choose to be haunted.
- Annie: Abed...? Abed...? If this is supposed to be like that...part in that movie that's like this...
Intro to felt surrogacy [4.09]
- Britta: There are so many clouds; it's so dark!
- Troy: I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!
- Shirley: Oh, Heaven help us!
- Annie: We must be miles above the ground!
- Pierce: That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.
- Jeff: Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.
- Shirley': [to Britta] You see, prayer works.
- Britta: So does gravity, Shirley
- Shirley: And you know who invented gravity, right?
- Jeff: I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [starts singing] I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had... But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.
- Britta : I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I never voted, except when I watch The Voice.
- Annie: I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.
- Troy: I caused Greendale fire. All the 55 acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.
- All together: This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret is out!
- Pierce: I never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry humped inside of her tour bus!
- All together: This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. [Jeff only] And now my most terrible secret is out.
- Jeff: Look, I might be broke, desperate, and nearly homeless, but I still got one thing deep down inside that gives me power— [repo man takes his glass of scotch] That was it, that was all I had.
- Alan: [to Jeff] Because the next bone you get thrown might be through a dude's zipper in the warehouse district, and I can't guarantee you it'll be from me.
Introduction to Teaching [5.02]
- Abed: But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.
Basic Intergluteal Numismatics [5.03]
Cooperative Polygraphy [5.04]
- Jeff: [after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?
- Abed: Yes, stop giving it four stars.
- Jeff: I like Liam Neeson.
- Abed: Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.
- Mr. Stone: Mr. Chang, state your name.
- Chang: [confidently] Benjamin Franklin Chang. Ready to deal out the truth. Nothing to hide. Let's do this.
- Mr. Stone: Have you ever masturbated in the study room?
- [Chang silently takes off the polygraph equipment and leaves the study room]
- [Later, Chang re-enters the study room]
- Chang: I didn't just masturbate in the study room. I masturbated everywhere. EVERYWHERE!
- [The group and Mr. Stone stare at him in silent shock]
- Chang: Huh. Confession is good for the soul. You should try it sometime.
Geothermal Escapism [5.05]
Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality [5.07]
- Britta: Don't listen to me—or anyone. Just listen to yourself, and make sure you tell yourself the truth.
App Development and Condiments [5.08]
- Buzz Hickey: Mark Zuckerberg is Fidel Castro in flip-flops. Meowmeowbeenz is gonna make East Berlin look like Woodstock.
- Dean Pelton: Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones don't get a rhyme, because they're garbage!
- Jeff: There is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.
- Britta: Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.
- Jeff: This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. It's beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement.
- [assorted boos]
- Jeff: And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of email and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.
- Koogler: So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?
- Jeff: Delete it.
- [Assembly delete their apps]
- Jeff: By the way guys, it's a Saturday, and you're all in school for nothing.
- Dean Pelton: Do you even have a career plan?
- Koogler: Yeah. Does getting laid count?
- Dean Pelton: No!
- Dean Pelton: Well I'm a peanut bar and I'm here to say
Your checks will arrive on another day.
Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar.
Another stuffed shirt with another white collar.
Criminals, Wall Street takin' the pie,
All the black man gets a plate of white lies!
Prisons recruitin' and police be shootin',
Rap artists lootin' and the labels are dilutin' and BARACK OBAMA IS SCARED OF ME!
'Cos I don't swallow knowledge and I spit it for free LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT, HAHAHA
- [Drops microphone in horror]
- Dean Pelton: ...I don't know what that was... I don't...
- Annie: Flip a coin?
- Abed: Coins create parallel timelines.
- Annie: Rock Paper Scissors?
- Abed: That's a nine-sided coin.
Basic Story (Part 1) [5.12]
- Buzz Hickey: If I come over there, there's going to be two sounds: me hitting you twice.
Basic Sandwich (Part 2) [5.13]
- Abed: Who's got rope?
- Buzz Hickey: I'm offended by that question.
- Joel McHale - Jeff Winger
- Gillian Jacobs - Britta Perry
- Danny Pudi - Abed Nadir
- Yvette Nicole Brown - Shirley Bennett
- Alison Brie - Annie Edison
- Donald Glover - Troy Barnes
- Chevy Chase - Pierce Hawthorne
- Ken Jeong - Señor Ben Chang
- Jim Rash - Dean Craig Pelton
- Jonathan Banks - Professor Buzz Hickey