Conker's Bad Fur Day

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Conker's Bad Fur Day is a Nintendo 64 video game made by Rare that was marketed as an adult platform game.

Opening[edit]

Conker: Well, here I am. Conker the king, king of all the land! Who'd have thought that? "But how did I come to this?", I hear ya say. "And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne?", that you also say. Well, it's a long story. Come closer, and I'll tell ya.

It all started yesterday, and what a day that was. It's what I call A Bad Fur Day.

Conker's Hangover[edit]

Conker: I feel sick.
Conker: Ugh, I don't feel so good.
Conker: My head's like a Badger's ass.
Conker: Ugh, that's the last time I drink a drop.

Wad of money[edit]

"Some money over here!"
"Hey!"
"Somebody get me!"
"Hey, what about me?!"
"Hey, over here!"
"Here I am, ya greedy bastard!"
"Oh look, Another wise guy! Come on then!"
"So, you want some green stuff?"
"Hey I'm here hurry up, pick me up, shit head."
"Hey where the fuck you've been you ginger bastard?"
"Somebody call for me? Who wants some of the dough?"
"Hey! Somebody call for us? Who wants some of us doughs?"

Scarecrow Birdy[edit]

[Conker walks up to Birdy]
Birdy: Whatsa? Uh. Who are you?
Conker: Oh. Hello. Can you help me? I need to get home and go to bed 'cause I don't feel very well at all.
Birdy: Er. Home? Noo. No.
Conker: Oh. So you can't help me at all.
Birdy: Actually … yeah … yes, I can … maybe.
Conker: Um okay what's your name?
Birdy: Birdy.
Conker: Beardy? But you haven't got a beard.
Birdy: No. Birdy. I scare birdies.
Conker: Okay, Birdy. So, how can you help me?
Birdy: Right. Step over here.
[Conker steps on the B pad]
Birdy: You see those buttons? Actually, you'll find that, eh … eh, they're called context sensitive. He he he. And … eh … well, actually … they, eh … press B.
Conker: Press B?
Birdy: Oh yeah. The light comes on and it makes this noise. Ting! Ting noise. It goes ting.
[Lightbulb appears over Conker and goes ting!]
Birdy: There you go. Ting … that's it.
Conker: That's it?
Birdy: Yeah.
Conker: Okay, I'll press B.
[Pressing B causes Conker to pull out a bottle of Booze]
Conker: Oh.
Birdy: Eh, I don't mind if I do.
[Birdy chugs the Booze]
Conker: So … what does that mean?
Birdy: It means context sensitive. It's sensitive to context. Try it over there.
[Birdy points to other B pad as gate opens up]
Conker: Okay.
Birdy: Or you could try it again.
[If you press B again, a bottle of helium will come out; Birdy sprays it in his mouth]
Birdy: [in higher pitch] Really nice helium. He he he.
[If you press B yet again, another bottle of Booze will come out]
Birdy: Ah. Don't mind if I do. Thank you very much.
[Birdy chugs the Booze again]
Birdy: Ah. I'm going to go to bed now. Night-night.
[Birdy falls asleep; after pressing B on the new B pad, Conker takes out some Alka-Seltzer, puts it in glass of water, shakes it up, and takes a swig; he gets better and throws the glass away]
Conker: Wow. Just what I needed. In fact, it would seem to me that these gave me just what I needed at that moment in time … oh … I see what he means. Context sensitive. Clever … hm … and I feel loads better! Right. Let's get out of here. Oh, and by the way. If for whatever reason you want to skip all these wonderful cutscenes, then just press the L button. But, you will have to have watched them at least once.

The Gothic Gargoyle[edit]

[Conker needs to get across a bridge, but there's a large stone gargoyle laying down on it]
Conker: Ah, who's this guy?
Gargoyle: If you think you're coming this way … you can think again!
Conker: Oh, you're a real charmer. I just wanna get past, please?
Gargoyle: No. I don't think so. I've only just got comfy. Have you ever sat on a piece of Gothic architecture for 200 years? Gets right up your arse, you know. Thought it was about time to move on to a bridge, say. And I'm not moving now.
Conker: Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about "Gothic architecture"?
Gargoyle: Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things of another nature.
[If Conker gets close to the gargoyle, it will grab him, maul him brutally, then throw him off the bridge. However, if you hit him with the frying pan...]
Gargoyle: Ha! A frying pan. [laughs] You stupid little twat [stands up]
Conker: [thinking] See ya.
[The Gargoyle loses his balance and falls off the bridge]

[However, in the Xbox remake, Conker Live and Reloaded, when Conker hits the Gargoyle with the frying pan...]
Gargoyle: A frying pan. You stupid little twat.
Conker: [thinking] Hmm... wasn't he meant to fall off here? [to the Gargoyle] Hey, weren't you meant to fall off here?
Gargoyle: Yes. But the designer thought it wise to change the training level a bit, to fool the audience into thinking that the rest of the game would also be... different. I'm afraid you'll have to try something else.
Conker: [thinking] Hmm. Well, lucky I brought this as well then.
[Conker pulls out a baseball bat and hits the Gargoyle with it, causing it to get crushed by a giant boulder]
Conker: Hey, Mr. Designer. No more surprises please.

Gregg the Grim Reaper[edit]

[The Grim Reaper calls for Conker first time he dies; the Reaper is short and has a squeaky Cockney voice, so he uses a poor-quality megaphone in order to sound more intimidating]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Conker … Conker … Conker! Yes, you, boy. You're dead! You are dead! Dead as a dodo! Deader than a … [feedback noise, Gregg walks out holding a megaphone] I can't be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption! Whose idea was this, anyway? Right, hello! Um, my name's Gregg, the Grim Reaper – and don't laugh!
Conker: Aren't you a little short to be a grim reaper?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before, mate? What, what am I supposed to look like?
Conker: Yeah, that's a good point, and well made.
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Now, let's see … ah yes, Conker. Surname?
Conker: The Squirrel.
Gregg the Grim Reaper: The Squirrel. The squirrel... oh, bloody hell! You would have to be a sodding squirrel, wouldn't you?
Conker: Why, is there a problem with that?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Why, yes, there is, actually. It's like those bloody cats, such a pain in the arse! You're one of these special cases.
Conker: Oh, really?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Yes. Apparently, according to the powers that be [points up] – I'm just doing my job, I do what I'm told, I don't even get paid very much – apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with.
Conker: Oh, I see. So I'm not dead?
Gregg the Grim Reaper: You're dead.... but not quite.
Conker: Hah, right. Well, I'll be off, then!
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Tshah! Just you wait, smart arse. You don't get out of it that easily. Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn't mean you can't die. You just have few more, shall we say … chances. Yeah, like cats. I don't like those things. Right! Distributed around your little world are these tail things, squirrel's tails. If you can get them, I'll give you an extra chance. Understand?
Conker: Um … well … sounds a bit strange, but okay.
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Strange? It's the best bloody deal you're going to get, you little prick. Right, that's it! piss off! I've got some cats to see. Bloody things. I don't like those bloody cats. The way they meow and they piss everywhere, and their shit smells just bloody awful, all over my furniture, I just …

[Later in the game, Gregg can be seen swinging his scythe through a pool of water repeatedly, exclaiming, "They've got fish versions of the bastard now!", referring to the catfish in the water]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: I don't bloody believe it. They've got fish versions of the little bastard now. Come here! I'll show them. Ah! Missed the little fucker again. I've got your number, mate. It's down to two for you. Ah! There's a oner. Ha ha, yes. Not long for you now, you little prick.

[Some time later, after you open a big gate]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Oh! You again. Why don't you fuck off! Can't you see I'm busy? I suppose you want to go there now, do you? Where there's lots of money, no doubt. One of those rich ancestors of yours. Bloody undead, un-bloody dead. I mean, it's even worse than bloody cats. Undead! What's the bloody point! … [Conker shrugs his shoulders] Um … you may be needing a bit of help. So I've got this. I hate the undead, hate them. It's the only thing that kills them. Shot through the head. Nothing more, nothing less. Here, it's better than that pissing frying pan, that's for sure. Take it. That's it! Piss off!
Conker: Hm … a shotgun. Yeah. Don't like the sound of zombies, though. Still, if it gets on his nerves, then that's all right by me. And what was that about an ancestor, undead ancestor? Hm. Well, if he's undead, then technically that makes him kind of dead, which means I should get the inheritance. I mean, how bad can a handful of dead people be? They're dead! Well, undead. Now, let's see … shotgun. I think it's one of those B pressing moments, don't you?

[Some time after that, after killing twelve zombies (or more)]
Gregg the Grim Reaper: Ah! Not bad, I suppose. That's another twelve souls. Right. Come on. In you go. And I think you'll find that you're the one that'll be needing a will. Inheritance, Pah!

Sunflower[edit]

Conker: Hey. Uh, could you help me out here? There's a guy over there. He says he wants to … something to do with stigmas … not quite sure. Pollinate you? Sounds a bit strange, but …
Sunflower: Go away. Ooh, that big tail of yours is far too tickly. [giggles]
Conker: Uh, no, you don't understand. Hey …
Sunflower: Get that big, long, hairy tail away from me! [giggles]
Conker: Ah, suit yourself, then.
Sunflower: Ooh, be like that.

Paintpot and Paintbrush[edit]

[Conker walks into the barn and sees a bunch of hay bales jumping around; the hay bales then turn their attention towards him]
Conker: Hey, you over there!
Hay Bale: Hmm?
Conker: Yeah, you! Apparently, there's something real neat inside this barn. I can't quite see it myself... Unless, of course, some guys jumping around stinking of horse poo's real neat. [to the audience] Which, of course, it isn't.
Hay Bale: [chuckles evilly] This is pretty neat.
[the barn door closes behind Conker]
Paintpot: Hey, Franky. I think there's a little fella over, he's just coming in through the door. I think it's your turn to kick his... Is it? Is it your turn? Is it his turn?
Paintbrush: Yeah, I think it's his turn. Hey, Franky, go kick his ass. Go on! Go on, kick his ass!
Franky: I ain't kickin'... Oh, it's always my turn to kick their asses.
Paintpot: Frank, just go over there and get kick his ass, Frank, for fucks's sake.
Paintbrush: Yeah, go on over there and kick his ass. Somebody's gotta kick his ass, it ain't gonna be me. I'm a brush, I don't kick ass.
Paintpot: Well, I'm a paintpot anyway! I'm a fucking paintpot! Go and kick his ass!
Franky: Uh, okay, I'll kick his ass. I'm not goin' over there! He can come over hear!
Paintpot: Okay. Hey, here he comes! Quick, just keep still, keep still.
[they all do so]

Franky: What the damn diddly-squat are you doing in my barn?
Conker: Well I never, it's a talking pitch fork.
Franky: Not from 'round here, are you boy?
Conker: No, I'm from the twenty first century.
Franky: I don't rightly recollect liking your type,there I conclude I is gonna kick your butt around this barn like there's no tomorrow.
Conker: [thinking] What the heck's he moaning about?
Franky: I is gonna stick my big fork right into yers.
Conker: Were parents related? Like before they were married?
Franky: Right! That's it. I is gonna give you a whupping! Here we go!

Paintpot: I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that was the crappiest-shittingest, shittingest-crappiest, kick ass I've ever seen.
Paintbrush: Yeah, that was pretty crap. As far as kickin' ass goes, it was abysmal, and you is a shit bastard, stupid bastard. Isn't he?
Paintpot: Yeah, he sure is … so what are you gonna do now, kill yourself? 'Cause that's what I'd recommend.
Paintbrush: Yeah, you should kill yourself! In fact we got a rope right there! We got a rope?
Paintpot: Yeah, we got a rope! There ya go!
Franky the Pitchfork: What kind of friends are you … in that case I is gonna kill myself, I'm gonna kill myself right now. That's all there is to it. Fuck you!
[After hanging on a noose for a few minutes]
Paintpot: What are you doing? [laughs] You stupid bastard! He hasn't even got a neck.
Paintbrush: Yeah, look at him hanging up there. Stupid bastard hasn't even got a neck. He hasn't got a neck, has he?
Paintpot: I already said that! Shut up!
Paintbrush: Oh. Okay.
Franky: Well, whad'ya know, I don't appear to have a neck of any description. In fact I don't even have an esophagus! Oh, diddle-die-dam, I is gonna be up here for a long time.
Haybot: Hmm, my nemesis has been defeated … [faces Paintpot and Paintbrush] Yes, it's me again! Right, time to wander around … aimlessly!

[After Conker cuts Franky down]
Paintpot: What'd you do that for? Dumb shit.
Paintbrush: Yeah, dumb shit.
Paintpot: Why is it that you have to repeat everything I say?
Paintbrush: I don't repeat everything you say … do I?
Paintpot: Yes, you do, actually.
Paintbrush: Oh. Sorry.
Franky: Why, thank you, Mr. Squirrel. I was hanging up there by my purdy little neck. It was like one of them there executions ya hears about.
[Conker looks at the Paintbrush and Paintpot, and he briefly sees them wearing executioner's garments, however turns around and realizes it was only him imagining it]
Conker: Um, yeah, anyway, what are we gonna do about this guy over here?
Franky: Well, um, what d'you wanna do about him? I'll do anything for you, 'cause you is my bestest buddy in the whole wide world!
[The paintpot and Paintbrush start laughing, which Conker then shoves the paintbrush into the Paintpot's mouth]
Conker: So, what exactly did you have in mind?
Franky: Well, now, hop on ma back here, and we is gonna go for a ride.
Conker: Okay, fine, but don't get any funny ideas, this is purely a means to an end.
Franky: Well, I don't know what ya talkin' about.

Fire Imps and the Big Big Guy[edit]

[as Conker makes it to the boiler room, he notices two fire imps hanging out near a beer tap; one is drinking lighter fluid while the other is smoking a joint]
First Fire Imp: [gargles lighter fluid and tosses the can] Hey, this is a neat joint!
Second Fire Imp: Yeah, it's great!
First Fire Imp: Gimme some of that!
Second Fire Imp: Fuck off!
First Fire Imp: Ya bastard!
Second Fire Imp: Gimme another tab!
First Fire Imp: Fuck off! [defecates flaming doo-doo]
[the imps laugh until they notice Conker]
First Fire Imp: Hey, don't look now! Don't look now! Look at him! Furry guy! Looks kinda flammable!
Second Fire Imp: Flammable! Oh, I like flammable! What do we do?!
First Fire Imp: Hide! Yeah, hide! Quick, put the tab down!
Second Fire Imp: Yeah, what am I gonna do with this?!
First Fire Imp: Just shove it up your ass!
Second Fire Imp: Oh, O.K.! [shoves the joint up his butt] Oh, there we go!
[both imps dash away from Conker in a split second]

First Fire Imp: Let's do the Big Big Guy!
Second Fire Imp: Yeah, the Big Big Guy!
[they both jump into a giant boiler and some tussling can be heard]
First Fire Imp: Right, where's the keys? [inserts the keys] Press the start button.
[the start button is pressed and the Big Big Guy comes to life and yanks himself off the pipe he was attached to]
Second Fire Imp: Let me have a go!
First Fire Imp: No, it's my turn!
Second Fire Imp: Oh, it's always your turn!
First Fire Imp: Shaddup!
The Big Big Guy: [in an English accent] Gentlemen, gentlemen, do calm down! We have business at hand.
Second Fire Imp: Hey, he sounds really poncey, like an English person.
Conker: [thinking] Nutters.
Second Fire Imp: Is he up to this job do you reckon?
First Fire Imp: Hey! You up to this job? Let me show you something! Ya see that button there?
Second Fire Imp: Yeah!
First Fire Imp: The one with the...
Second Fire Imp: Yeah!
First Fire Imp: Press it.
[the button is pressed and two giant balls pop out from the Big Big Guy's crotch]
Second Fire Imp: Oh, I see what you mean.
The Big Big Guy: Balls of Brass, sir. Polished to the Nth degree.
Conker: Oh, no! A bourgeois, big-bollocked boiler! That's all I need!

[Conker knocks the Balls of Brass clean off the Big Big Guy, causing him to malfunction and topple over]
First Fire Imp: What the...
Both Fire Imps: OH, NO!!!
Second Fire Imp: We can't get out through the normal door!
First Fire Imp: Oh, what's with this door here? Where does that go?
Second Fire Imp: Oh, I don't think we wanna go that way. It's the back passage.
First Fire Imp: AAAAGGGGH!!!!!
Second Fire Imp: It can't be the only way out. What's this button do? [presses a button, causing an alarm to go off]
Computer: WARNING! WARNING! SELF-DESTRUCT IN ONE SECOND!
First Fire Imp: Oh, you stupid fucker!
[the Big Big Guy explodes, causing the fire imps to fly off]

The Great Mighty Poo[edit]

[First verse]
Ahem-hem. Mi mi mi mi miiiii …
I am the Great Mighty Poo,
and I'm going to throw my shit at you.
A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish.
How about some scat, you little twat?
[Second verse]
Do you really think you'll survive in here?
You don't seem to know which creek you're in.
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear.
How d'you think I keep this lovely grin?
(Have some more caviar!)
[Third verse]
Now I'm really getting rather mad.
You're like a niggly, tiggly, shitty little tag-nut.
When I've knocked you out with all my bab,
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!
Conker: Your butt?
Great Mighty Poo: My butt!
Conker: Your butt?!
Great Mighty Poo: That's right, my butt!
Conker: Err …!
Great Mighty Poo: My butt!
Conker: Agh!
Great Mighty Poo: My BUUUUUUUUTT!!!!!!!!!
[Final quote]
Great Mighty Poo: Ah! You cursed squirrel! Look what you've done! I'm flushing! I'm flushing! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who'd have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my beautiful clagginess! Ah! I'm going! Oh! Ahh! No! Aaaaaaah!
Conker: Huh huh! Now that's what I call a bowel movement!

Don Weaso[edit]

[the rock bouncer takes Conker to his boss, Don Weaso]
Rock Bouncer: Well, this is the fella.
Conker: Get off me!
Don Weaso: So! This is the wise guy who tried to steal my dough. Whaddya gotta say for yourself, boy?
Conker: Eh, what? [notices Berri] Oh, hey, hey, Berri! How're you doing? It's me!
Don Weaso: [to Berri] Do you know this tea leaf?
Berri: Yeah! Like I'd associate with a caveman.
Don Weaso: [to Conker] The broad does not seem to know you.
Berri: Like, is it okay if I go know? I've gotta go powder my nose.
Don Weaso: Get outta here. [Berri leaves and Conker shrugs] Right, let's get back to business. I just got one thing to do, though. I'll be with you in a minute. People have gotta show the appropriate levels of respect. When you step outta line, you can expect to be respected back. One of you guys has shown no respect. Who it is? I don't know. Could've been... Frankie! Could've been... Chicho! Could've been... Paulie. [comes to Paulie with a baseball bat and beats him to death] DON'T... YOU... EVER!... DO THAT!... AGAIN!... TO ME!
Conker: [scared after seeing Paulie's death] Eh, look, you know, you can have the money. In fact, I've got more money. You can have that too... if you want? Oh no, what am I doing?
Don Weaso: You can keep the money. But you gotta do me a little job first.
Conker: A job? Oh, yeah, cool, but I mean, I'm gonna have to... I'll have to consider it first. What is it? What do I have to do?
Don Weaso: Good, good. I'm glad you accepted... step this way.

[Don Weaso takes Conker to a big bomb]
Don Weaso: Ok, here's the plan. We got ourselves a little problem. In fact, several little problems. You already got the disguise... so that's that one covered. What else you need is one of these. It's called... a bomb. [Conker picks up the bomb]
[a slide shows a picture of an Uga Buga]
Don Weaso: These are the problem. Where they came from? I don't know. They seem totally outta place in this ecosystem. But they're here, and they're on my patch. So what I propose that you do... is use your disguise acumen. Take the bomb... [slide shows the entrance to the cave] through here... [slide shows the entrance to the dinosaur's mouth] down here... [slide shows the inside of the dinosaur] out of here... [slide shows the sacrificial altar] and drop it here. And by the way... when that bomb goes off... I suggest you leave town. And if you don't pull it off... I suggest you leave town. [lights the bomb's fuse] Let's go to work.

[later, near the end of the game; Conker finds Don Weaso at the entrance of the Feral Reserve Bank]
Don Weaso: Whoa! I thought I told ya to leave town! But seein' as you're here... Anyways, we have a little job for you.
Conker: Oh, not another one! Look, can't I just go home, please?
Don Weaso: I said we may have a little job. Take it or leave it?
Conker: Okay, I'll take it.
[Berri appears in a leather suit]
Berri: Oh, like, these pants are so uncomfortable! [sees Conker] Oh, fancy meeting you here.
Conker: Oh, Berri! You look great!
Berri: Really?
Don Weaso: I thought you said you didn't know this guy.
Berri: Oh, yeah, I know him! He's like my boyfriend!
Conker: Yeah, that's right! I'm her boyfriend!
Don Weaso: Am I interruptin' something here?! When you two little lovebirds are finished with your reunion tête-a-tête shit, maybe we can get on with job at hand, please?
Conker: Okay, okay, whaddya want us to do?
Don Weaso: Okay, since our little escapades with those cavemen, kinda put me outta business. Now I need to replenish my funds. Here we have it: the Feral Reserve Bank.
Conker: Hmm, okay. But I'll do it on one condition only.
Don Weaso: What?
Conker: That I get an outfit that's as cool as hers!
Don Weaso: Deal.

Fangy the Dinosaur and Buga the Knut[edit]

[Conker stumbles into the Bugga Colosseum; he looks around to see and audience cheering]
Conker: Ah, yeah. This is more like it. An appreciative audience at last! Somebody's please to see me! Hey! Yeah, I know, I'm great... Oh, I knew this was too good to be true.

" [Conker looks up to see Buga the Knut flirting with Jugga in the arena box]

Buga the Knut: Open de snapshot, split'im in. Ooh, bleedy-bleed-bleed. Onig, big boner. [sees Conker] Who is aye? A sui-fur-geez. (Who is that? A squirrel.) [stands up to show off his giant bone club] WOMAN!!! Soure de Fangy! Satiide Mantinay. (Send in Fangy! Saturday matinee.)
Conker: Not quite sure what going on here, but there seems to be door over there. So I think I'll just mousey on over and say my farewells.

[as Conker walks up to the door of the arena, he stands next to an Uga Buga]
Conker: Oh, hi. You're going this way, too, I take it. Yeah, I'll just wait here and follow you guys.
Uga Buga: [thinking] What the...
[the arena door opens; stomping and growling can be heard]
Conker: Oh, this doesn't sound good...
[Fangy the Dinosaur appears and roars loudly, causing the Uga Buga to poop his pants]
Buga the Knut: Caca panty. (Brown loincloth time)
'[Fangy pounces on the Uga Buga and violently eats it]
Conker: [pulls out his pocket watch] Oh, is that the time? I gotta scoot.

[Conker hypnotizes Fangy with his pocket watch jumps on the dinosaur's back and makes him eat the remaining victims]
Buga the Knut: Ah, well. Some more entertainament. Sendee infanta. (We need some more entertainment. Send in the infantry.)
[an Uga Buga blows through a giant horn]
Conker: Oh, don't like the looks of this. I think they're sending out the big boys.
[the Uga Buga infantry comes into the arena, one falls out of place]
Uga Buga: Bruce, get back in liiiine! Stupid prat!
Bruce: [thinking] Who moved the line? [gets back in line]
Uga Buga: Soure de songay! (Taunt the spuirrel!)
[does a tribal chant and dance; when it's finished they charge towards Conker and Fangy]
Conker: Okay, big fella. I think it's time for hors d'ourves.

Buga the Knut: More da goots and blukka! (More blood and guts!)

Conker: [as more of the infantry arrive with spears] Uh-oh. Ranged combat. Now this could be a bit tricky.

[after Conker and Fangy defeated the entire Uga Buga infantry]
Buga the Knut: Uh, oh, yikes! Dis not supposed to happen! (Oh, dear. That was not supposed to happen)
Jugga: Oh, he's so cute, through.
Buga the Knut: Eh?!
Jugga: He gotta bigga boner than you. (He's got a larger bone than you.)
Buga the Knut: No one's got a bigga boner than I! (No one has a bone as big as mine.)
Jugga: If you so bigga, you show him, big boy. (If you're so big, why don't you show him, big boy?)
Buga the Knut: Uh, I will. [stands up and grabs his bone club] Bigga da boner splat face da squidgy la furry cankee, si! (I'm gonna take my big bone and smash that furry squirrel!)
[Buga leaps down to the arena]
Conker: Oh, my giddy aunt! This is not good!
Buga the Knut: No mistake de big boner. Gia fooka tiide! (Nobody remarks about my bone. You're going to get it squirrel!)
Conker: [to Fangy] I know you're not a vegetarian, but I think we should go for the meat and two veg. It looks it needs a bit of tenderizing though, if you know what I mean?
[Fangy nods in agreement]

[after Buga the Knut is defeated, his loincloth falls off, revealing his secret, causing Jugga to laugh]
Conker: [laughs] Big boner?! My ass!
Buga the Knut: Ah, my secreta! Teeny weensy private parte! (My secret: my very small willy!)
[Buga runs right through the walls of the arena]
Conker: Well, so ends another incident in my day.


Count Batula[edit]

[The door opens as Conker looked around the house and Count Batula comes down the stairs]
Count Batula: Ah! Velcome to my house. Please enter of zyour own free vill. And bring vith you some of the happiness that is so evident in your face, and so lacking in my own.
Conker: Huh! He's not kidding there! Okay, I'll just cross this threshold here. Hm, I'm sure that's of some significance, but can't think what it is. Anyway, nice hairdo.
Count Batula: Vat?
Conker: Nothing!
Count Batula: So? Ve seldom have visitors in these parts, vat being out here, in ze middle of nowhere, on such a cold and gloomy night. Pray, follow me.
[The door closes as Conker and Count Batula head for the dining room]
Count Batula: You look as if you are in need of sustenance, and I have many zings to eat … and drink! Pray, follow.
Conker: Oh, okay. Food, yeah … getting a bit sick of chocolate, anyway.
Count Batula: This vay.
[As Conker and Count Batula head to the dining room]
Count Batula: As you can see, the house is in some-vat a state of repair. Ve are having a few refurbishments doing at ze moment and … I vas going to have all zis knocked through, to make one big, eh … but anyvay, I think ve'll just stick to ze conservatory, for the present. Ah, my dining room.
[Conker starts eating a chicken drumstick and drinking wine as Count Batula holds the bottle]
Conker: Very nice!
Count Batula: More vine?
Conker: I don't mind if I do, thank you.
[Count Batula pours more wine in the cup, as Conker continues eating and drinking]
Conker: Eh, y-you're not drinking, then?
Count Batula: No. I never drink … vine. [laughs]
Conker: So, em, uh, [slurp] who's this guy here? He looks, eh … he looks like you!
Count Batula: Mmm … my forefather. He vas a crusader in a war of long ago. When ve were allies … vit ze squirrels and ze panthers. Zat union – alas! – vas not successful.
Conker: Yeah, and he had really stupid teeth, as well! Didn't they have any dentists back then?
Count Batula: Enough! Who are you to criticize me or my ancestors, whose blood runs in zrough zhese veins? You are not of noble birth, and never vill be.
[Count Batula calms down and backs up away from Conker]
Count Batula: Pray, accept my apologies. Vhenever I talk about my ancestors, I get somewhat … touchy.
Conker: Aw, that's all right. I know how it is, families! So, eh, ya been here long?
Count Batula: Hmm, about 300 years!
Conker: Really? Huh, quite a big family, then?
Count Batula: No, it's just me.
[The wolves starts howling]
Conker: Oh! What's that noise?
Count Batula: Ah, the children of the night. Vat sweet music they make.
Conker: Music? They're howling.
[Suddenly, there is a big thump on the front door]
Count Batula: Vat is that noise?
[The thumps on the front door are getting louder]
Conker: Sounds like somebody's braying on the door! They don't like you either, I take it.
Count Batula: Ah, shit. Ze villagers again. Sounds like zhere is more of zem zis time. Zis could be your lucky night, Conker. I vas going to kill you … and drink your blood. But now I think I will be needing your help. Pray, come here.
Conker: Eh, can we just go back a bit there? That "drinking my blood" bit. What's all that abou…
Count Batula: I said, come here!
[Count Batula bites Conker and the villagers barge in]

[Later, after Count Batula bites Conker, he turns himself into a bat and hangs on to a ceiling]
Count Batula: Ah, delicious. And familiar. Yes, I think you are my great, great, great, great, great grandson, Conker. Velcome to ze family. [laughs] Velcome indeed. I have a little task for you. These little villagers … occasionally pop into my establishment, to have a little fun … and see if they can kill me! It's never vorked yet! As you can see, I've had a few … minor alterations to the house. Ve have ze grinder! And ve have ze pumps. And ve have some other bits and pieces. It is your duty, your errand, indeed, the whole point of your existence, as of zis day, is to fetch me ze villagers, put zem in ze grinder, and let me feed. You may feed too, if you vish, but only later! Vell?
[Conker starts talking bat]
Count Batula: Ah yes, I forgot. You can only speak like vat you are … a bat! Right, chop-chop, fetch me ze villagers. I am hungry.

[Final quote]
Count Batula: Oh! I think I have drunk too much. Ah, shit…
[Count Batula falls to the grinder and dies; then, Conker starts to turn back to normal]
Conker: That doesn't happen to you every day.
[Then a lot of zombies spawn all around the mansion]
Conker: Ah! more zombies... time for the double barrel boy, hopefully for the last time.

Final Line[edit]

Conker: So, here I am, King. King of all the land. Who'd have thought that? Huh, not me. I guess you know who these guys are now, because I certainly do. I don't wanna know them. And yup, I may be king, I have all the money in the world and all the land … and all that stuff. But you know … I don't really think I want it. I just wanna go home, with Berri, and I dunno, have a bottle of beer. Hmmm … it's not gonna happen. It's true what they say, 'The grass is always greener, and you don't really know what it is you have, until it's gone … gone … gone …

Other[edit]

Jack[edit]

Jack: I say, I say, little fella. You better get this fat-ass bitch off-a my back, pronto.
Conker: Geee! So many people round here want me to solve their problems. What are you gonna do for me then?
Jack: I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, I say, I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. You get rid of that freaking mouse critter, and maybe I'll help you out. Just maybe. Oh, just one more thing, I say, just one more thing. You might run into my friend, Burt. Just mention my name, Jack, and everything will be just dandy.

Jack: Aahh! I couldn't a lasted a moment longer there. Thank you very much, Mr. Squirrel. Now, there's somethin' real neat inside that barn. You just gotta get in there, sonny.

Carl/Quentin[edit]

Carl: Fuck off!
Conker: Why is it everybody's so offensive round here?
Carl: Either bring me back me missing cogs, or fuck off!!
Conker: You don't have to shout.
Carl: I'm deaf! Speak up or fuck off!
Conker: Hmm... Hang on a sec!
[he flips the cigar cog upside down to a fancy cigarette holder cog]
Quentin: Well, hello. Aren't you the handsome one. Tell me, would you be prepared to do me a small favor? For a little help, of course.
Conker: Hi — and uhm, yes, I would, maybe.
Quentin: You see, my other self has lost a few of his — shall we say, friends — and if you don't get them back, my life will be a misery. It already is.
Conker: And?
Quentin: Just get them back. There's a good fellow. Oh, ta ta! Ta ta! [flips back]
Carl: Erh! You twat!! Don't ever do that again. Now fuck off!

Carl: Ey up, bloody hell. C'mon, put it on quick. Put it on, I like it like that. [Conker inserts female cog face-first above cigar cog] Oooooohhh! Aaaaaahhh! Fan fucking tastic.
Conker: Erm... Oh, hang on, I think I got it on the wrong way round.
Carl: Like bugger you have! What ya doing? What— [Conker places female cog backwards] Aw f@#*!

Carl: Twattin' shite! That's tossed it right up the arse.
Lady Cog: That do concur, ladies, we are free at last; to exact our revenge on this evil cog! Grab him!
[the Lady Cogs beat Cart up and put him on Mr. Big Cog]
Carl: Oh no! Not Mr. Big Cog! That's me buggered. Ugh, I'm out of here. [flips over]
Quentin: I don't know what his problem is, I find it rather delicious. Thank you, Mr. Squirrel.
Conker: Oh! My pleasure.
Quentin: Yes, and I think you'll find your little problem outside has been thoroughly taken care of.
Conker: Oh, cool!
Quentin: Now, good day to you, sir.
Conker: [to himself] Toffee-nosed snob!
Lady Cog: Thank you, Mr. Squirrel! [kisses Conker] Come on, ladies! It's the Caribbean for us!

Weasel Guards[edit]

[one of the guards is doing his business behind a rock while the other stands guard]
Weasel Guard 1: You'll have to pay the toll.
Conker: You mercenaries! [pulls out a wad of cash] Here ya go, $1000.
Weasel Guard 1: Thank you. [takes the money]
Conker: Can I get past now?
Weasel Guard 1: Hey, I'm not finished yet. We're looking for a squirrel. And I think, by the description given to me, that you are a squirrel!
Conker: I am not a squirrel.
Weasel Guard 1: Yes, you are! You fit the description perfectly.
Conker: Oh, really, and could you describe this description to me?
Weasel Guard 1: Well... short, red fur, a big bushy tail, and a twitchy nose. You're a squirrel alright, and you're coming with me!
[he gets ready to grab Conker]
Conker: Look, I tell you, I'm not a squirrel, so get your hands off me!
Weasel Guard 1: Well, what are you then?
Conker: I'm an elephant! Squirrels aren't short and furry, they're big and grey!
Weasel Guard 1: What?
Conker: Yeah! And as for twitchy noses...
Weasel Guard 1: They don't have them?
Conker: No, they're long and snouty! And they also have flappy ears.
Weasel Guard 1: Are you sure?
Conker: [scoffs] Of course I'm sure! Seeya!
[he crosses the bridge to the other side of the canyon, just as the second guard finishes his duty]
Weasel Guard 2: Ah, there's nothing quite like a good crappin'. Now then...
[he sees Conker and is shocked]
Weasel Guard 1: It's alright, it's alright, that's not a squirrel, he's an elephant.
Weasel Guard 2: An elephant. You stupid twat.
Conker: Oh, yeah. Let's see.
[he whistles and the wad of cash comes back to him]

External links[edit]

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