Conker: Live & Reloaded
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- Oh, just great! I thought the designers said it was just a straight port. What a hack! Hmm... which one was it?
Gregg the Grim Reaper
- [after giving Conker a shotgun] It's better than that pissing baseball bat, that's for sure.
- The Second Assault had begun. The plan was a simple one: The S.H.C. were to attack from the sea and secure the three obstacles: Here; here; and here. This would allow the heavy stuff to get through...ready for phase two. However, the Tediz battle master, the mysterious Professor von Kripplespac was waiting with his giant gun of doom... waiting to blow them back into history. The Tediz were ready to defend, but time wasn't on their side. The question still hinged: Could Von Kripplespac sink the S.H.C. ship, or could the Squirrel attack force break in and thwart him?
- With the Second Assault finally over, the battle moved inland. Professor von Kripplespac's forces making an tactical retreat to a disused prison known as 'The Fortress'. The Tediz had secured one half of the structure, and the Squirrel High Command the other; A stalemate... Only one thing here could assure victory: Demoralize the enemy, by capturing their precious colors: Their flag. The flags were deep inside each half. In order to secure victory, each would need to be brought intact to the pickup point. There to be filmed and broadcast to all the enemy troops... It was a longshot, and unlikely to work... but in war, anything goes...
- Despite fighting to the death and winning many battles, the Tediz were not winning the war. Forced finally to retreat to his clifftop castle stronghold, Von Kripplespac knew that only one thing could save them from defeat... The Machine. History has told us of its use, but then, no-one knew for sure. The SHC had sent in a crack assault squad. Their mission: to link up the power lines to their generator, restart the cable car, and get a trooper inside to overcharge and destroy the Machine. The Tediz... well, history also tells us they'd forgotten to pack the batteries. They both needed to link up the power lines, then seal the connection somehow. The race was on.
- Years later, the eternal war betwixt Tediz and Squirrel continued, but now on a new and more vicious front. The Machine Tediz had arrived, pouring through Von Kripplespac's new machine. The S.H.C. were driven back to the point of defeat, with only one last thread of victory: The legend of a base, buried under the ice, and said to contain a secret knowledge; it was rumored to be a map showing the location of an ancient weapon that once belonged to the long dead Panther King. Both Tediz and S.H.C. now wanted this map, but there was a problem - the map was not whole. The Tediz had found one half, and the S.H.C. the other. The mission was a simple one: Steal the enemies' map fragment and take it to the uplink device to decode the map from orbit, only then could the location of this weapon be revealed and victory assured.
- With the two halves of the map now reunited, the long lost resting place of the 'Thing' had finally been located: an abandoned mining outpost way up the Big Rim. However, the secret didn't stay safe very long, particularly when it appeared on the front cover of 'Fur Only'. It was now simply a case of who got there first. Unfortunately Professor von Kripplespac made an immediate wrong turn, ending up (due to the fact the map was printed upside-down) in precisely the right place. As the Tediz commander prepared to excavate the 'Thing', the Squirrel High Command had finally realized their mistake and headed full pelt towards the outpost... They must destroy the 'Thing' before it, whatever it was, destroyed them! Both sides realized the key to victory lay within the Three Towers. Reactivate them to re-route and deactivate the enemy shielding, then bring their firepower to bear and blow the other back to oblivion either SHC's Spawner or the Tediz' excavation.
- Things hadn't quite turned out as expected for either side, as it was revealed that the 'Thing' wasn't a weapon after all. It was a tomb! The Panther King had lain at rest for two hundred years, frozen in his icy prison. Before the SHC could react, the body was gone stolen! Intelligence told them where their ancient enemy had been taken. The Tediz homeworld, also known as Doon. It was a race against time: if the Tediz managed to revive their dormant leader then a new reign of terror would begin, but if the small SHC assault force could get there first...All they needed to do was break through the Tediz defense gates, here, here and here. They could be broken by either destroying the locking mechanism or hacking it. Once into the Tediz base, all hell would break loose. This time they had to be sure. The heart! They must destroy the heart!
- [When Conker hits the Gargoyle with the frying pan...]
- Gargoyle: A frying pan. You stupid little twat.
- Conker: [thinking] Hmm... wasn't he meant to fall off here? [to the Gargoyle] Hey, weren't you meant to fall off here?
- Gargoyle: Yes. But the designer thought it wise to change the training level a bit, to fool the audience into thinking that the rest of the game would also be... different. I'm afraid you'll have to try something else.
- Conker: [thinking] Hmm. Well, lucky I brought this as well then.
- [Conker pulls out a baseball bat and hits the Gargoyle with it, causing it to get crushed by a giant boulder]
- Conker: Hey, Mr. Designer. No more surprises please.
- [Conker sneaks into the Tediz's Facility to find Private Rodent and two other SHC soldiers tied to three stakes at gunpoint]
- Tedi: Soonech... Any ras questa? (So then, any last requests}
- Soldier: Could you untie me and just let me go?
- Tedi: Nah! (No!) Sourde ente arms! Sourde aim!(Present arms! Take aim!) Ectorit, ectorit... (Wait for it, wait for it..) Choosa targ! (Choose a target!) Soure... Fire!
- [the Tediz shoot at the soldiers, except Rodent, who ducks into his bulletproof armor]