[voice over] I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, Heworks in mysterious ways. Some people like it... some people don't.
Angels and demons can't cross over into our plane. So instead we get what I call "half-breeds." The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. A single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch and those part angel, living alongside us. They call it The Balance. I call it hypocritical bullshit.
[Flips off demon] For your boss.
[Whispering into the ear of a possessed girl] This is Constantine. John Constantine, asshole.
[Speaking to God] I know I'm not one of Your favorites, and I'm not welcome in Your house, but I could use a little attention, please.
[traps a spider under a cigarette-smoke filled glass] Welcome to my life.
Heaven and hell are right here, behind every wall, every window, the world behind the world. And we're smack in the middle.
You don't need His protection. It'll be like back in the day.
[As Midnite holds him up against a wall] Is this neutral? Bullshit! You're the only one playing by the rules, Midnite. And while you've been imitating Switzerland, people are dying. [Midnite lets him slump to the ground] Two hundred dollar shirt, by the way.
[After punching Gabriel in the face] That's called pain. Get used to it.
Angela Dodson: [asking Constantine to hold elevator] Hold the door, you're going down.
John Constantine: Not if I can help it.
Angela Dodson: I guess God has a plan for all of us.
John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.
Angela Dodson: You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine: I didn't try anything.
Angela Dodson: I don't believe in the Devil.
John Constantine: You should. He believes in you.
John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry asses straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my … retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go …
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would you do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
Angela Dodson: My sister was murdered last night.
John Constantine: Sorry to hear.
Angela Dodson: Thanks. She jumped off the the roof of a building.
John Constantine: I thought you said she was murdered.
Angela Dodson: Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Of course. What kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
Angela Dodson: [Angela is about to transport into Hell via bathtub and has taken off her jacket] So, is this good, or do I have to take off the rest of my clothes?
Angela Dodson: John?
John Constantine: [Smiles slightly] I'm thinking.
John Constantine: I need you to leave.
Angela Dodson: Okay. [heads for her room]
John Constantine: The apartment.
[He waits for her to leave and looks down at the cat]
John Constantine: God, I hate this part.
Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven, I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
Balthazar: You're not a priest. You have no power.
John Constantine: Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your shit hole. Okay, Bally, enjoy it. [Balthazar relents]
[After Balthazar gives him the information]
John Constantine: By the way … you have to ask for absolution to be forgiven … asshole.
John Constantine: [To a room full of demons] Hi. My name's John. You are in violation of the Balance. Leave immediately or I will deport you. All of you. [no reaction]
John Constantine: [John stands on a chair] Go to Hell.
Ellie: [Chaz Kramer had already put the Holy Cross into the water tank. John pulls the fire-detector, holy water sprinkles down]Holywater?
[The demons' flesh burns and they scream in agony]
Midnite: [As he is strapping John into the electric chair] Tell me this isn't about a girl?
John Constantine: Definitely... mostly not about the girl.
Midnite: [While John is strapped in the electric chair] You sure about this?
John Constantine: No.
[Midnite electrocutes him, John screams]
Gabriel: [Gabriel sits on top of John Constantine, explaining her rebellion] You're handed this precious gift, right? Each one of you granted redemption from the Creator – murderers, rapists, molesters – all of you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom. In all the worlds and all the universe, no other creature can make such a boast, save man. It's not fair.
[Gabriel leans closer to Constantine's face]
Gabriel: If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. But it's only in the face of horror that you truly find your nobler selves – and you can be so noble. So … I will bring you pain. I will bring you horror.
[Gabriel lifts up Constantine from his collar]
Gabriel: So that you may rise above it. So that those of you who will survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God's love.
John Constantine: Gabriel... you're insane.
Gabriel: [smiles] The road to salvation begins tonight. Right now.
[Gabriel blows gently, sending Constantine crashing to the door]
Lucifer: You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
John Constantine: So I've heard.
Lucifer: Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.
John Constantine: Aren't you a peach.
John Constantine: How's the family?
Lucifer: Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.
John Constantine: [Regarding Lucifer's son] He's in the other room.
Lucifer: Boys will be boys.
John Constantine: With Gabriel.
Lucifer: [disgusted] Huh? No accounting for taste, really.
John Constantine: They have the Spear of Destiny.
Lucifer: [mocking, mimicking] "They have the Spear of Destiny." [becomes serious, leans in] Or is it another one of your cons?
Gabriel: [In shock] Lucifer?
Lucifer: This world is mine, in time. You, best of all of us, Gabriel, should understand ambition.
Gabriel: Son of perdition! Little Horn! Most unclean!
Lucifer: [Giggles childishly, nostalgic] I do miss the old names. [to Mammon] Time to go home, son.
Gabriel: I shall smite thee, in His honour.
[Gabriel attempts to punch Lucifer, but is unable. Lucifer looks around and smiles.]
Lucifer: Looks like someone doesn't have your back anymore.
John Constantine: [hears Gabriel cough and stand up in the pool]: "Human? You don't deserve to be human."
Gabriel: You want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now? Do it, end my life. [holding a shotgun against his chest] Be the hand of God. It is your choice, it was always your choice."
John Constantine: [takes the gun and punches Gabriel; a beat, then Gabriel grimaces sharply as he feels pain for the first time as a mortal] That's called "pain". Get used to it.
[Constantine walks out]
Gabriel: [shouting after Constantine] You could have shot me, John! You chose a higher path! Look how well you're doing!