Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 1)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-2024) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project.
The Pants Tent [1.1]
[edit]- Larry David: I can name sources. Sophia Loren was once a source.
- Larry: [regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing.
- Cheryl: Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection?
- Richard:[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
- Larry: She reads Wiesel?
- Richard: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with.
- Larry: You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post!
- [Larry, unaware he is on speakerphone, is asked if he wants to play golf]
- Larry: I dunno, I'll have to ask Hitler. (Cheryl)
- Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown.
- Larry: "By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper?
- Larry: It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?
- Jeff's Mom: What?
- Jeff's Dad: What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean?
Ted and Mary [1.2]
[edit]- Larry: Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven."
- Salesperson: I am not a shoe whore!
- Salesperson: It's people like you that are the problem.
- Larry: No, I'm the solution! I'm the solution to the problem!
- Larry: I'd like to return this, please.
- Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?
- Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.
Porno Gil [1.3]
[edit]- Larry: Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco.
- Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back?
- Larry: Yeah.
- Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball.
The Bracelet [1.4]
[edit]- Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.
- Larry: I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man!
The Interior Decorator [1.5]
[edit]- Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you?
- Larry: Unfortunately, that's me.
- Parking Attendant: Hey, it's a good look.
The Wire [1.6]
[edit]- Jeff: If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.
- Larry: You try to do something nice, see what happens?
- Jeff: You get screwed.
- Larry: You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life.
- Jeff: You're so complimentary.
- Larry: It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!"
- Jeff: And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people?
- Larry: I got out of the "nice" business at that point.
- Larry: And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday.
- Cheryl: Anything could happen.
- Larry: A lot of people sue me.
- Larry: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?!
- Cheryl: He's a fan.
- Larry: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?!
- Phyllis: Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls-
- Larry: Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
- Phyllis: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
- Julia Louis-Dreyfus: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea.
- Cheryl: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting.
- Larry: Are you out of your mind now?
Aamco [1.7]
[edit]- Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.
- Larry: That's my specialty, length.
- Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length
- Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie.
- Hobo: Got any spare change?
- Jeff: Nah, I got nothing, man.
- Larry: [hands him some leftovers] Want this?
- Hobo: What is it?
- Larry: It's tuna.
- Hobo: I don't like tuna.
- Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
- Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club?
- Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
- Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.
- Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so..
- Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan?
Beloved Aunt [1.8]
[edit]- Jeff: How did she die?
- Larry: Killed herself.
- Jeff: No, she didn't.
- Larry: Killed herself.
- Jeff: Why?
- Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?
- Jeff: That's really rude.
- Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.
- Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
- Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?
- Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue.
- Relative: We must go on.
- Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!
- Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?
- [Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him]
- Larry: What?
- Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what!
- Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!
- Larry: [In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!
- Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
- Larry: They have proofreaders at papers!
- Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK?
- Jeff: You gotta go.
- Larry: What?
- Jeff: You gotta go.
- Larry: The hell are you talking about?
- Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.
- Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
- Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
- Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."
- Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
- Larry: The sunglasses?
- Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them.
- Larry: You want me to give a gift now?
- Jeff: You gave it to her.
- Larry: After this "entertaining" evening?
- Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her.
- Larry: I don't think so. No.
- Jeff: That's called "Indian giving".
- Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.
- Craig: Hi, Larry!
- Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
- Craig: I did not rat you out.
- Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
- Craig: Well, that's your problem.
- Larry: What a jerk.
- Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
- Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
- Craig: Maybe I will.
- Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot!
Affirmative Action [1.9]
[edit]- Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
- Larry: Hi, how you doing?
- Richard: He's my dermatologist.
- Larry: Really?
- Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
- Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing?
- Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
- Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
- Larry: What?
- Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
- Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
- Cheryl: Yeah.
- Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
- Cheryl: OK, OK.
- Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
- Cheryl: Larry...
- Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
- Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
- Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"
- [after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
- Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
- Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
- Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
- Cheryl: Please.
- Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"
The Group [1.10]
[edit]- [Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
- Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
- Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd.
- Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.