Harmful If Swallowed (2003)
- "Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin' 80?!"
- I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"
- Next time you're at the airport, right, this is fun to do. You're at the airport, and you see somebody waiting for their flight, okay. They're sitting there, reading the paper, whatever, just chilling out. This is what you're gonna do, just like this. You're gonna walk over to them really slowly. Just walk over, alright, and stand right in from 'em. Don't say anything. Like, wait till they feel you there, know what I mean? When they finally look up at you, just really seriously look at them right in the eyes and go like this, "Don't get on the flight". You know they're sitting there goin', "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight. Thank you, angel wearing jeans!"
- All you need for this is a pair of gloves. Just take your gloves, right, and go down to the bank. Get in line behind all the people at the bank. And give the person in front of you a nudge, just a little nudge, and they turn around. And when they turn around, start putting the gloves on and go "Now would be a good time to leave...Yeah, right now. Either that or take out a paper and pen and go, hey, how you spell 'Shoot you in the fucking face'? Come on, hurry up. One word? What is it?"
- I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.
- So I'm hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that you've hung out with the most. Maybe you are all here tonight. And this is what I've realized. I had an epiphany and here it is right here. There's one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down. Example: Karen is always a douchebag. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when she's not around you just look at each other go: "God Karen, she's such a douchebag. Until she walks up and then you're like: "Hey what's up Karen? Kaaaaren, what's up Karen?" There's always that one person and I'm looking out and some of you guys are like: "Hmmm, I disagree." Well you're the person...you're the person nobody likes."
- When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... (sigh) "I wasn't invited to this party." But then, once you're IN love, that's like being inside that party, going "Where's my jacket? I wanna get outta here. where's my jacket? I been to this party six years and I wanna see other parties! Where's my jacket. Someone shit on the coats. I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."
- Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass *smack* I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* I'M FROM THE FUTURE!! I'M YOUR SON!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
- I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!
- "You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."
- I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
Vicious Circle (2006)
- When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions? They give you the directions and the entire time driving you're just cutting down their directions. You're like this, "Okay, take take a left at the red house." "That's fucking maroon, you idiot!" Why is it the street you're looking for always has a tree from the Mesozoic Era growing around the sign? You're looking for like Mount Vernon and all you see is like the N, and you drive by going, "That was probably it. You think that was it? That was probably it." There's always the point in the directions that they always write in parenthesis, "Uh, if you hit the train tracks, you've gone too far." And right when you read that, [imitates running over train tracks] "Fuck."
- We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits. [loud cheer] Yeah. You could be man of the year or woman of the universe. You're gonna be in your bathroom one day, goin' "Aah! Ugh! Are there glass shards in my anus?! Aah!" Somewhere, Halle Berry is clutching her Oscar, goin' "Aah! Aah! Why me? I'm an Oscar winner!"
- "Boom! That's the house, right there, Robert. That's house I'm doing a B&E (breaking and entering)." He looked to me and he said: [shakes head and makes hissing noise through noise. Moment of silence.] "I don't know what that means, but I'm doing it."
- I looked at him and I went [sternly] "Uh, God bless you." Yeah. I said it like that. I said it like, "God bless you." Which, you know, is God bless you, but it kinda sounded like "Cover your fucking mouth." [loud cheer from audience] Yeah. Incognito. I turned to the guy. I say-I say God bless you, by the way, when someone sneezes. I don't say bless you. I don't say that because...I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...I'm just a messenger for big guns up stairs, ya know what I'm saying? And I never go with gesundheit. I don't who even says that. If I say gesundheit, I'll feel like I'm honoring Hitler. Like I should go like, [Nazi salute] "GESUNGHEIT!" I end up on the History Channel because a guy sneezed.
- I hope when he dies, he does become a tree. I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness and he's doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do a lot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness, through the woods, a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long? Sees him...[tree-chopping motions]. Chops him down, smash! Put a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throw him into a sawmill and grind him up. [Nuzzsaw noise] Then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.
- [about couples fighting non-stop]
"Honey, honey. Why don't you put the fucking DVDs in order? So I can find Uncle Buck the second I wanna watch it? This shit's all scrambled up because you're a fucking retard. Why don't you put these in order? In order! Now fight me for three days, because I'm bored!"
- Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!"
Rough Around the Edges (2007)
- The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."
Isolated Incident (2009)
- You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contact list, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like...who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life? Where can I get a megabyte of space back right now? And it's kinda fun right? You just scroll through...er Peter, Peter, yeah fuck Peter, BOOM! And you really hit that delete button like you're deleting Peter from existence. Peter is sitting half way around the world eating a steak and the second you hit that button he just turns to vapor: VVVVVVVV!! The fork falls: Tingtingtingelingtingting! The person that's sitting across him is like: "PETER!". Peter is gone. Poof!
- [To girlfriend about the "What would you do if" challenge] "What would you do if" I came out of your mother's bedroom, covered in blood, going "We gotta get outta here!"?