Designing Women (season 5)
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A Blast From the Past [5.01]
- Suzanne: I never use catalogs. I'd rather go in the store and see all the salespeople people groveling and sucking up to you.
- Julia: Pardon me, I never knew they were so solicitous at the K- Mart.
- [The snooty director from the Tour of Homes arrives at Julia's home with the tourists.]
- Karen: Where is Julia please?
- Mary Jo: She's upstairs.
- Karen: Are you the one who's going to help her give the tour?
- Mary Jo: Yes, that would be me.
- Karen: Well, c'mon. Let's get started. Skidaddle. Hippity hop!
- Mary Jo:(putting on Southern airs and yelling upstairs to Julia in a snooty immitation of Karen) Julia! The tour is here! Karen wants us to "skidaddle and hippity hop!"
- [Julia's house is placed on a Tour of Homes and she is enforced to open her home to inconsiderate tourists.]
- Tourist: Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.
- Tour Guide Karen: Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watling's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.
- Tourist: This used to be a whore house?
- Julia: Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth... the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlett primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness... I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!
- [The tourists applaud...]
- Tourist: Wow! Just like the movie!
- Tourist: This is the best house on the tour!
- Karen:[nervously trying to hurry them out Well... we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.As she leaves, she shoots Julia a vicious look!]
- Mary Jo: Well... ..
- Julia: Well...
- Mary Jo: Julia, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you're gonna be invited to be on the tour of homes next year.
- Julia: ' Frankly my dear... .I don't give a damn.
Papa Was a Rolling Stone [5.02]
Working Mother [5.03]
Miss Trial [5.04]
- [After Charlene turns juror Julia in for hearing about her case outside of court.]
- Julia: (on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
- Charlene: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
- Julia: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
- Charlene: Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
- Julia: Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!
- Charlene: Julia? Julia!? (hangs up) Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.
- Mary Jo: What'd she say?
- Charlene: She said she was going to hunt me down like a dog and hire blood hounds to rip my clothes off! Now, I thought the judge was just going to give her a warning. I didn't know she was going to be shut up in a motel room. Now, Suzanne, you know Julia. I mean, when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and forgive me, don't you think?
- Suzanne: I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.
- Mary Jo: Maybe Bill can put in for a transfer. I here there's a big base up in Greenland. On second thought, Julia'd probably just strap some snow shoes to her pumps and track you down like caribou.
- Charlene: I didn't know Julia had this in her.
- Mary Jo: Well, we all have things about ourselves that even we don't know.
- [Julia is trying to push the votes through.]
- Julia: Alright, that's 7 to 4; who didn't vote? (woman raises hand) Well, Janice, what is the problem? Did you intend to mime your vote?
- Janice: I'm just not comfortable making a decision yet.
- Julia: I see. And yet you are perfectly comfortable smearing your face with white grease paint and annoying pedestrians all over Atlanta. Interesting. No really, Janice, I think it's time you came to a decision. As a matter of fact, I think it's time you all came to a decision. We've been here almost three days, and apparently you people have nothing better to do then to sit around here hogging up the taxpayers' money, eating baskets of fried cheese and staying at the Fair Price Motel. Which I understand some of you think is the nicest place you've stayed in a while. (The "no-lip woman" fumes) Well, let me tell you something, it is not the nicest place I've been in a while. And for your further information, I'm having dinner with a former president and first lady of the United States tonight, because we are all going to be out of here. And the reason we're all going to be out of here is that this case is very simple. Did any of you listen to the judge's instructions? He practically told us to acquit. The case is frivolous! The defendant was not negligent. Case closed! Q.E.D.! Over and out! Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more! Go up to the table and mark your ballots, and if you don't mark them right, I'm going rip that fire extinguisher off the wall and blow your overfed, under-read, simple-minded butts out onto the Fair Price Motel parking lot!
- No-Lip Woman: I don't think jury members are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
- Julia: Oh, really? Well, I don't appreciate you leaving you big ol' box of June Allyson bladder pads on my night stand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course, you don't care if you never get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom! Now, I am passing these slips for the final ballot, and I want to tell you right now, read my lips: Mark your slip wrong, and I will wrap it around a fried cheese ball and shove it down your throat!
The Bachelor Auction [5.05]
Charlene Buys a House [5.06]
- [The Sugarbakers team wakes up in Charlene's haunted house after a night of telling ghost stories, and find Rusty the electrician bent over exposing part of his backside.]
- Mary Jo: Well, that's a fine thing to see first thing in the morning; "The Return of Rusty...or Nightmare on Crack Street, part two!"
Old Rebels and Young Models [5.07]
Nowhere To Run To [5.08]
- [Mary Jo asks the ladies if they'd like to take up jogging with her...]
- Suzanne: Mary Jo, I had my period 5 years straight in high school to avoid P.E., okay? Why do you think I have a mercedes for?
A Class Act [5.09]
Keep the Homes Fire Burning [5.10]
My Daughter, Myself [5.11]
And Now, Here's Bernice [5.12]
- Julia: Why don't you want to talk to Bernice?
- Anthony: Because that hooker she had booked on her show cancelled out.
- Charlene: I know. I told her to call my friend Monette for help.
- Anthony: We tried that, but Monette and Atlanta's better class of prostitutes have gone to Las Vegas for a convention. Consequently, in Bernice's hour of need, Atlanta is suffering a severe shortage. Now we were out until three in the morning driving around in her cadillac looking for — as she put it — "fresh meat". I nearly wrapped the car around a post when she leaned out the window and yelled, "Work it, girl! How'd you like to strut your stuff on public access?!"
Pearls of Wisdom [5.13]
- Suzanne: My life has not been easy ever since Reggie Mac Dawson stole all my money. I mean I haven't been able to buy any new jewelry or furs in just . . . months, and I had to wear the same ball gown to two different parties this past season . . . and well lately . . . I can only afford to get my legs waxed up to the knees...(sobs).
- Mary Jo: Well, I had no idea. This poor girl has been through hell. I guess it's just rough going all around these days.
High Noon in a Laundry Room [5.14]
How Long Has This Been Going On? [5.15]
The Emperor's New Nose [5.16]
Maybe, Baby [5.17]
- [Suzanne takes up smoking to lose weight]
- Suzanne: Well, I am sick and tired of all you self-righteous non-smokers always lecturing everybody else. I mean, if we're trying to outlaw unattractive habits, why don't we outlaw nose-pickin' in your car at 60 miles an hour?
This is Art? [5.18]
Blame it on New Orleans [5.19]
- [The ladies are in New Orleans for Design Expo, and Charlene and Suzanne meet the ladies at a bar after spending the day on the town.]
- Charlene: We're having so much fun. We followed this jazz band down the street to this big ol' party. We partied for two hours until I realized it was somebody's funeral.
I'll See You in Court [5.20]
The Big Circle [5.21]
- Randa Oliver: "I'm not eating this crap!"
- Julia: Now! What's the magic word?
- Randa Oliver: CRAP!
- Julia: That's not an answer! (Julia chases Randa into the kitchen.)
Friends and Husbands [5.22]
- [Bernice is making a home video to send to America's Funniest Bloopers and finds out she shot the whole video without a tape in the camcorder.]
- Bernice: They didn't say anything about a tape at the store! I thought you just sent the whole camera in. Oh, darn! Another beautiful Kodak moment down the toilet. Y'know, I think I'll just go back to that store and give them a piece of my mind. Or maybe not . . . it just may be the piece that's working.
The Pride of Sugarbakers [5.24]
- [Suzanne takes over the announcer's booth at a little league game...]
- Suzanne: Excuse me, excuse me! Will the parents of the juvenile delinquent who broke my windshield please come the the announcer's booth. And bring your checkbook. Thank you!