Designing Women (season 6)
The Big Desk (Part 1) [6.01]
- Allison: Oh Julia, just so you know..... the next time you see your lawyer on company time, it's going on your record.
- Julia: Just so you know... the next time you speak to me in that tone of voice, you're going to the moon.
- [Allison describes when she was fired as a seeing-eye-person for a blind lady.]
- Allison: Do you have any idea... what it's like to be let go from a position formerly held by a dog?
- [The war between Allison and Anthony over Suzanne's house continues:]
- Anthony: Just so you know, Allison. I did not appreciate waking up this morning and finding my wardrobe on the front lawn.
- Allison: I did not appreciate the "Die, fascist pig" note in my pajamas pocket either.
- Anthony: I didn't put any note in your pajamas.
- Allison: Oh... I guess it was somebody else.
- [Here is some fun banter regarding Suzanne that is often cut out of the syndicated version...]
- Carlene: Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?
- Julia: Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.
- Carlene: Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?
- Charlene: Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.
- Mary Jo: ... never stopped Suzanne in the past.
- Mary Jo: For someone who's not gonna even be working here, Tinkerbell sure has a big desk.
- Allison: Just to make sure that we get off on the right foot, let's talk about how we can be more professional and well presented. On the personal side, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but someone's wearing a very offensive cologne. Incidentally, I do think it's inappropriate to bring visiting relatives to work. (To Carlene) Is there any particular reason you're lying on the sofa?
- Charlene: Yes, she has premenstrual cramps.
- Allison: You suffer from P.M.S.?
- Carlene: Um... actually back home we call it F.T.S... Fixin' To Start. And then when it finally arrives, you say your cousin's visiting. And that's why it was so funny this morning when Anthony said Julia's cousin was visiting, I thought that Julia was... Fixin' To Start.... then you showed up
- Allison: (to Mary Jo) Incidentally, I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.
- Mary Jo: Yes.....I did.
- Allison: Ok. I'm just a person who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.
- Charlene: Mary Jo, guess what I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mama and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to see my whole family.
- Mary Jo: Uh-huh. That will certainly set you apart from the crowd.
- Allison: Let me get this straight. You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?
- Charlene: Yeah, why?
- Allison: Well, as I was just saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the Queen of England by showing up with a big ol' soup plate on your breast with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!
The Big Desk (Part 2) [6.02]
A Toe in the Water [6.03]
- [Allison starts to enter the storeroom/bathroom... ]
- Carlene: Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.
- Allison: Why not?
- Carlene: My cat's using it.
- Allison: Your cat is using our bathroom?
- Carlene: Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?
- Allison: Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?
- Carlene: Well, I've got to supervise her progress.
- Mary Jo: Y'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.
- Carlene: (laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!
(to Allison about Mary Jo) I swear, every time we get together she makes me laugh.
- Allison: Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.
(Anthony walks in... )
- Mary Jo: Anthony, where have you been all morning?
- Anthony: Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.
- Allison: Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.
- Anthony: Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?
- [After Julia's friend Mark stops by the store]
- Allison: So... that's Mark Bayswell.
- Julia: Uh huh.
- Allison: That's the man who's going to take you back into the world of dating.
- Julia: That's right.
- Allison: Uh HUH.
- Julia: What exactly do you mean by 'uh huh?'
- Allison: Nothing. You just proved my point, that's all.
- Julia: What's your point?
- Allison: Julia!! That is the gayest human being I've ever seen in my life!
- Julia: He is Not!
- Allison: Julia!! He was wearing a Lacoste. He knows what a peplum is. In a twenty second conversation he managed to work in 'Ida Lupino.' And he has never laid a finger on you, am I right?
- Julia: I'm not going to answer that.
- Allison: You just did.
- Allison: There are many, many sufferers of [Obnoxious Personality Disorder]. It's such a sad story. Literally thousands of people have lost their friends, their jobs, even their husbands and wives--- simply because they're obnoxious. And there is also a very high rate of alcoholism.
- Mary Jo: Among obnoxious people...
- Allison: No, among their friends and relations.
- [each set of quotation marks signifies quotation mark hand gestures]
- Allison: Julia, wait! I just wanted to hear how your "date" went last night.
- Julia: Y'know, Allison, you're very clever with those quotation marks, but just for the record, I prefer my conversations straight forward and unencumbered by little rabbit gestures. Do you "get it?"
- Allison: But I was right wasn't I? Your "boyfriend" didn't lay a hand on you, did he?
- Julia: Not that it is remotely even any of your business, but just to wipe that smirk off your face, I will tell you. You were not right. He is positively not gay.
- Allison: How do you know?
- Julia: I picked up subtle signals while he had his tongue down my throat. Now what do you say to that?
- Allison: (dumbfounded.....) He must be bi.
- Julia: Allison, he is NOT!! You were wrong! You're always wrong, and you never want to admit it. He is straight! There is no question about it. He made that fact uncomfortably clear!
- Allison: "Uncomfortably?" (as Allison makes her quotation mark gestures, Julia grabs her hands... ) Oh, I'm sorry! It's a habit.....it's going to take some getting used to. I'm just so interested in this word "uncomfortably." I mean, it seems there's something you're not admitting, Little Miss Cards-on-the-table.
- Julia: Oh, alright. I'll give you that. I guess subconsciously I did think Mark was gay and therefore I was safe.
- Anthony: Julia, excuse me for overhearing, but I just want to add my two cents.
- Julia: Oh please!! I do so want to hear from everyone on this subject! Call your friends!
- Anthony: I was just going to say; you can't force yourself to start dating if it isn't time. I know because there came a day in my life when I wasn't interested in any romantic involvement at all. The whole idea didn't appeal to me, period, and no matter who approached me, I just wasn't interested.
- Julia: Really, Anthony? When was that?
- Anthony: That was the day I entered prison.
Dwayne's World [6.04]
- Carlene: Oh, Mary Jo. You are just the best girlfriend I've ever had! I mean it! If you were a man I'd marry you. I would!(pondering) But Julia, you know what . . . I would find you very attractive too. It would be a tough decision . . . Mary Jo or Julia. I can't decide! Allison, what do you think?
- Allison: I think you need a date — bad!!
- Carlene: You think so?
- Mary Jo: Oh, don't pay any attention to her. She's just mad because none of us want to marry her.
- [Allison walks in while Anthony is pretending to be Carlene's boyfriend to help her impress her ex-husband and gets frustrated because she feels like she never knows what is going on.]
- Allison: I cannot believe that this woman blows into town five minutes ago and already she's got a best friend and a boyfriend — not the ones I would choose, but still! I mean, I think I'm attractive, but I don't have a best friend. I don't have a boyfriend. And for some reason none of the women at work wanna marry me.
- [After finding out everyone has been lying all along and she wasn't in on the deception:]
- Allison: Y'know, you people are all just messing with me. And I would like to tell you something . . . I wouldn't marry any of you girls if you begged me to!
- Allison: Wh- What's wrong with your voice? It sounds low.
- Anthony: (deep voice) I have a code. Allison Sugarbaker, Dwayne Dobber.
Marriage Most Foul [6.05]
- Mary Jo: (to Allison, who is concerned that Barry is out to get revenge on her) If he tries anything, you can just unleash your secret weapon — and sleep with him.
- [Julia gets a hold of Donald Trump's private number and gives "The Donald" a call]
- Julia: Hello? Mr. Trump? I hope I'm not disturbing you. I'm just calling you to say — on behalf of the American public — Mr. Trump, we no longer care who you date, we really don't. You are no longer obligated to alert the news media everytime your pants are on fire because we don't care. So please feel free to fire all your hacks, flacks and publicists employed for this purpose because — and I repeat — we...don't...care! Who am I? Well, you've never met me, but you can just call me....The Julia.
Picking a Winner [6.06]
Last Tango in Atlanta [6.07]
- [T. Tommy Reed makes Allison dance with him when the crew is all locked in the prison rec. room with him.]
- Mary Jo: This is very strange... kinda like watching a combination of American Bandstand and America's Most Wanted.
The Strange Case of Clarence and Anita [6.08]
- Carlene: Hey Mary Jo, listen, I hate to make you madder, but the polls are showing that the majority of American women believe Clarence Thomas.
- Mary Jo: Oh, Carlene. The polls show too that most women aren't feminists. But if you ask most women about individual feminist issues, the majority of them are for them, they just don't want to call themselves feminists because George Bush and Phyllis Shaffley want to make everyone believe that feminists are all these big mouth, bleeding heart, man-hating women who don't shave their legs.
- Bernice: Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back — and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
- Mary Jo: Thank you, Bernice.
- Bernice: And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
- Anthony: Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
- Bernice: Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.
- [Mary Jo goes berzerk as Bette Davis about women's rights in front of the news cameras...]
- Mary Jo: All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!"
Just Say Doe [6.09]
- [Mary Jo's brother plans to take young Quint hunting and fill her freezer...]
- Carlene: You know, you can lease a freezer for that. Before Dwayne, I went out with this guy named Lyle — but everybody called him Booger — and he used to keep his game in one of those rented lockers. I remember for dinner he'd take me down there and let me pick out my meat myself . . . I felt just like a princess.
- Julia: Y'know Carlene. You've told two stories involving this man already this week. I kinda hope this concludes the Booger Trilogy.
- Bernice:(singing) Black man!! Black Man, where have you gone to? Black Man!! Black Man . . . where did you go? . . .
- Anthony: Bernice, what the hell are you singing about?
- Bernice: Oh, Anthony I don't know. It just comes to me, I can't explain it. It's a gift.
Julia and Rusty, Sittin' in a Tree [6.10]
- Julia: My father used to propose toasts all the time, so here it goes: Here's to the ones that wish us well and those who don't can go to hell!
- Mary Jo:(talkin about her blind date) If this guy turns out to be a jerk I'm in the nearest cab.
- Anthony: That'll be a little hard in a drive-in theater.
- Mary Jo: Yeah you just watch me, I'm gonna take my porta-phone. I'm past 30 — I don't have to put up with any crap anymore.
Julia and Mary Jo Get Stuck Under a Bed [6.11]
- [Bernice talks about almost getting the ladies Thigh Masters for Christmas. Carlene has one....]
- Carlene: That Suzanne Sommers says you can do it anywhere, right? So I did. I went to the laundramat and I was doing it, you know, and I was waiting for my clothes to dry... and they asked me to leave
- [They just find out another design firm has stolen their yuletide house design.]
- Bernice: I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the true meaning of Christmas.
- Anthony: You see. this is exactly what i was talking about. Extra-terrestrial activity sponsored by the ku klux klan!
Real, Scary Men [6.12]
- [After the Shaming Ceromony of Anthony...]
- Allison: That's it? That's the Shaming Ceremony You should call that the Boring Ceremony. I've shamed him better myself. If you really want to shame somebody, you gotta go for their underwear.
- [The Wild Men confess that their father's didn't teach them how to cry, so they felt betrayed.]
- Julia: Please, if you wanna feel like crying, try being one of those women who hold down a job, raise a family on the side, watch their legal rights erode year after year, and are still being told that women's liberation has gone too far, that outta make you feel like crying. Hoooo!
Tales Out of School [6.13]
Driving My Mama Back Home [6.14]
- [Carlene shares her newly written song.]
- Remember the good old days.
- Remember the good old days.
- They were good...
- They were old...
- They were days...
- [Julia is forced to endure a bus trip with Mary Jo and her mother, and Mary Jo has just finished telling her mother that she's been visiting a sperm bank trying to get pregnant.]
- Ms. Jackson: Julia, would you excuse us please.
- Julia: Well, of course Ms. Jackson, but I don't know exactly where I would go.
- [(Mary Jo nods toward the bus restroom)]
- Julia: Mary Jo, I hope that was just a nervous tick brought on by some dread neurological disease, and not a suggestion that I return to that bathroom!
- [(Mary Jo looks at the bathroom)]
- Julia:(groaning . . . ) What I do for my friends . . .
- [(Julia gets up and goes to the bathroom — taking a deep breath before entering)]
- Ms. Jackson: Mary Jo, when I mentioned Miss Pixie(her cat) getting in trouble, that didn't mean I didn't love those kittens. I mean, you know I loved them!
- Julia:[(opens the bathroom door and desperately exhales) BLUHHHHHHHHHHH... Just getting some air(sucks in air and closes the door)]
- Mary Jo: So what are you saying Mama?
- Ms. Jackson: I'm saying, that I love you, and that I would love to have another grandchild!
- Mary Jo: You would?
- Ms. Jackson: And if you have to do it with some sperm club, then I can understand that.
- Mary Jo: So what you're telling me is that it's ok with you if I just wanna stand by the dryer vent and see what comes in?
- Ms. Jackson: Well I wish you wouldn't put it just that way, but umm...
- Mary Jo: Well I'm going to take that as your unqualified approval.
- Ms. Jackson: Thank you
- Julia: BLUHHHHHHHHH(violently exhaling) . . . I'm sorry, but I cannot stand it in there one more minute! I can put a pillow over my head, I can put my fingers in my ears, and hum Meliconi, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back in that bathroom!!!!
Payne Comes Home [6.15]
Carlene's Apartment [6.16]
Bernice: Hi everybody! I'm sorry I'm late, but I couldn't resist finding out what 'Live, Totally, Nude' was all about!! |- Mary Jo: Well what is it all about? |- Bernice: Listen sister, I'm not telling. If you want to know, you go pay $17.50 for a bad Mai Tai, and then we'll talk. Dear me — what is that awful smell? Has somebody been spraying for bugs? |- Mary Jo: No, that's some of Carlene's home-made potpourri, we all won some as a door prize. |- Bernice: Well, you need to take that and get the hell outta here...it stinks!!
Anthony: Who's she talkin' to? |- Carlene: SHHHH--the queen of England! |- Anthony: (snatching the receiver from Carelene) Yo MOMMA!!!
A Scene From a Mall [6.18]
All About Odes to Atlanta [6.19]
I Enjoy Being a Girl [6.20]
L.A. Story [6.21]
A Little Night Music [6.22]
Shades of Vanessa [6.23]
- [Anthony has just announced his engagement to Vanessa Chamberlain, a woman he barely knows from whom the ladies thought he was just soliciting decorating business.]
- Carlene: I cannot tell y'all what a shock it was when you said those words "I'm engaged." I mean, I will never get over it for as long as I live. It reminded me of one of those cartoons where somebody's hair just stands right on end. I swear . . . I wanted to grab my own hair and just go . . . boiiing!!
- [Bernice has just shown up before Anthony arrives with Vanessa Chamberlain, a hopefully future client of Sugarbaker And Associates...]
- Julia: Well, hi there, Bernice. You're rather early.
- Bernice: I know I wasn't supposed to come until tonight, but now I am just bored out of my skull living at Leisure Land. They're so conservative there. You can't do a thing. Just buy a pushup bra and you cause a damn scandal!
- Allison: Bernice, you seem so allusive and abrasive and with it today. Are you feeling O.K.?
- Bernice: Oh, I feel great! I think this new pushup bra is redirecting the artillery flow to my brain. When I woke up this morning, I could see that it was all system's go. I said: "Bernice, start your engines."
- Allison: Um, Bernice, y'know we're going to be awfully busy today, and maybe you might want to go up to Julia's study and watch TV. After all, we're going to be so busy with Miss Chamberlain all afternoon, and that would be just boring for Bernice.
- Bernice: Are you talking about that rich girl you sent Anthony out to date, in hope that she would hire you to redecorate her father's hotel chain?
- Julia: Bernice, how did you get that idea?
- Bernice: I didn't. I just guessed. Ooh, Bernice, you are hot today! It must be the bra.
- Carlene: Bernice, there is no way you could've just guessed that. Now, how did you know?
- Bernice: Well, actually, Anthony and Vanessa Chamberlain came by my apartment last night while they were on a date.
- Julia: Bernice, Anthony is not dating Vanessa Chamberlain to procure work for us. They had a business dinner, and it was strictly business. Do you understand what I'm saying?
- Bernice: Yes, I do. You're trying to convince me that you aren't a pimp.
- Carlene: [Sitting by Bernice] Bernice, you see Anthony and Vanessa met after she ran into him in her Austin-Healey convertible, and then he found out her father owns this big chain of bed and breakfast inns and they need a decorator. So he's kinda courting her, but it's not really romantic or anything.
- Bernice: Well it sure looked romantic when they were pressing their lips together in front of my door...
[Allison runs over...]
- Allison: Bernice, you actually saw that?
- Bernice: Oh yes, I did, before I opened the door. You should get one of those peep holes or a video camera. It's just hours of fun.
- Allison: This is great, Julia! If they were really kissing, then it means we've got the job.
- Julia: Allison, that's not what it means. Actually, I'm not sure what it means.
- Bernice: I know what it means. It means you guys used Anthony as date bait and it worked.
- Julia: Well, Anthony doesn't need to stay in her good graces on our account.
- Allison: Excuse me, Julia, but there is a recession on, and we need this job. If we get it, it will be the biggest one this firm's ever gotten.
- Bernice: Don't worry about Anthony. He's not suffering, believe me. They were really going to town outside my door last night.
- Carlene: Bernice, you've got to be exaggerating. Anthony has not said one word about being attracted to this person.
- Bernice: Well, that doesn't mean a thing, Carlene. I'm sure he hasn't said a word about being attracted to me either.
- Carlene: Anthony was attracted to you?
- Bernice: Not was, Carlene---is. Can't you tell the electricity when we're both in the same room at the same time?
- Carlene: No.
- Bernice: Oh, I feel sorry for you people with your sad, little anemic lives. Not only has passion never knocked on your doors, it doesn't even know where you live.