Dogma (film)

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Dogma is a 1999 film about two renegade angels, banished for eternity to Wisconsin, who find a "loophole" that may allow them to return to Heaven. Unbeknownst to them, their reentry threatens to destroy the universe, forcing Heaven to mobilize forces to stop them.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith.
Get "touched" by an angel.Taglines

Azrael[edit]

  • No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.

Metatron[edit]

  • Behold, the Metatron, herald of the almighty, and voice of the one true God.
  • I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
  • Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
  • Say you're the Metatron, people stare at you blankly. Mention something from a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted?

Serendipity[edit]

  • The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
  • So you were an artist? Big deal. Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck.

Others[edit]

  • PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.
  • Gun Shop Owner: We call this piece "The Fecalator." One look at it and your target shits him or herself.

Dialogue[edit]

Nun: So, you don't believe in God...because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!" The existentialists can keep their Kierkegaard and their Sartre — give me Lewis Carroll any day. That guy knows what time it is!
Nun: The way you put it... I've never thought about it like that before. What...what have I been doing with my life?
Loki: Yeah, I know. Look, why don't you take this money you're collecting for your parish, and go out and buy yourself a new dress. Fix yourself up. Find some man. Find some woman. Find anyone you can connect with, even for a moment. Because that's all that life really is, Sister — it's a series of moments. Why don't you go seize yours? Attagirl.
[The nun smiles gratefully and leaves. Loki sits next to Bartleby.]
Bartleby: Here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there's a God. You've been in His presence, He's spoken to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just love to fuck with the clergy, man, I just love it. I love keeping those guys on their toes!

Loki: Our last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.
[A woman standing next to them does a spit take]
Loki: Oh, not you.

[Metatron's fiery entrance in Bethany's room]
Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...
[Bethany sprays Metatron with a fire extinguisher; Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke in human form as Bethany rushes to her bed and grabs a baseball bat]
Metatron: Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?
Bethany: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?!
Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly. That's rich. Stupid fucking Christ.
Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! Now!
Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that fish?
[Bethany realizes she's holding a large fish, and drops it in shock]
Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept. Look at my suit!
Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
Metatron: Oh, get over it, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped. (Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be) See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? (Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry) Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: [annoyed] Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!

[Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from Azrael's minions]
Bethany: I don't know what to say or think, except...
Jay: That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?
Bethany: Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.
Jay: I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.
Bethany: Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?
Jay: You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!
Bethany: So, what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Bethany: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: [defensively] Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.

Jay: So, what's up? You gonna fend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fuckin' fat man weep.
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Jud Nelson, he was fucking harsh! But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinios, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are fucking bullshit.
Bethany: When are you going back to Jersey?
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Jesus, bro asks a lot of questions. [to Bethany] Tomorrow.
Bethany: [to herself] Tomorrow...
Jay: Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?
Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.
Jay: I'll take head.
Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?
Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
Bethany: No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
Jay: Really?
Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.
Jay: Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?
Bethany: Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.
Jay: What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, fucking dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?
Bethany: Do you believe in God?
Jay: Holy fuck! [to Silent Bob] All the finely moral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Lets the fuck outta here- [both get up to leave]
Bethany: No, wait!
Jay: I'll scream rape.
Bethany: I can pay you.
Jay: Pay? [both him and Silent Bob sit back down]
Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersy anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that fucked up bar! [to Bethany] What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.
Jay: All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.
Jay: Yeah? [to Silent Bob] She's the slut. Booong!

Jay: You believe this shit?!
Rufus: You know, that's a lot like the good people of Antioch were saying, right before they stoned my ass!
Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!

Bethany: You knew Christ?
Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [walks off]
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
Bethany: You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See in the beginning, it was just us and Him, angels and God...and then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us — He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no — We're servants!
Loki: [alarmed] Okay... You know, all I'm saying is that maybe one of us needs a little nap...
Bartleby: Wake up! These Humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise — they threw it away. They were given this planet — they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from paradise! Where was His infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki: Wait, wait, wait...kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion, for Chrissakes! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were alright.
Bartleby: Don't, don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me, once. Scion or not... she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul.
Loki: [horrified] My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you fucking do that to me.
Loki: You sound like the Morning Star!
Bartleby: You shut your fucking mouth!
Loki: You do, you sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby — you're talking about fucking war on God! Well, fuck that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin.
[Bartleby slams Loki against a wall]
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki! And no one — not you, not even the Almighty Himself — is going to make that otherwise.

[Bethany has just found out that she is the last descendant of Jesus]
Bethany: [looking skyward] WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME! I HATE YOU!
Metatron: He can't hear you, you know.
Bethany: [crying] Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this. It's too big.
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back. He begged me to 'make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power, I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same. I sympathize, I do. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. This is who you are.
Bethany: Everything I am is a lie.
Metatron: No, no, no! Knowing what you now know doesn't make you any less who you were. You are Bethany Sloane — no one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a new definition of that identity. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.
Bethany: [chuckles mirthlessly] I guess this mean no more cheating on my taxes.
Metatron: [smiles] To say the least.

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity: Don't...
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No? (Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads) Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... (pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically) Get it?
Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. (referring to Bethany)
Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's great!

Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.
Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!
Azrael: [furious] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your ability to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a false belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the hoarded imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that...and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

Rufus: Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Taglines[edit]

  • Get "touched" by an angel.
  • It Can Be Hell Getting Into Heaven
  • Faith is a funny thing.
  • Prepare Thyself.
  • Look out Below

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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