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Dr. Dolittle 2

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Dr. Dolittle 2 is the 2001 sequel to the 1998 film Dr. Dolittle. This time around, Dr. Dolittle has become an international celebrity because of his ability to talk to animals, and must save the life of a circus bear.

Written by Larry Levin. Directed by Steve Carr.
Dolittle Is Back.

Archie

[edit]
  • I am the Alpha Bear! Grrr! Grrr! Bears say "grrr", right?
  • [singing] Her name was Lola. She was a show bear. She'd like to dance with me.

Lucky

[edit]
  • Go, doctor. Go, doctor.

Dialogue

[edit]
[bell rings]
Lucky: [narrating] Welcome to San Francisco, the city by the bay, home to 30,000 fire hydrants, four million tennis balls... and very liberal pooper scooper laws. My name is Lucky. I'm a dog, in case you hadn't guessed, and I belong to this man. You remember Dr. Dolittle, right? The guy who can talk to animals? If you don't, let me jog your memory. He's a doctor, and he talks to animals. Well, anyways, he's busier than ever.
Woman: Doctor, you've got Mr. Carson at 10:00 for a full workup. Mr. Wennington's E.K.G. is at 12:00. Mrs. Bloom called. She's got a bad rash. I told her 11:15.
John: I gotcha.
Lucky: Buster's got a deworming at 12:30. Misty's kennel cough is back. I put her at 1:00. Afternoon-wall-to-wall neuters.
John: You've got the Rotary Club dinner tonight.
Lucky: The Kennel Club breakfast tomorrow.
John: Push Mr. Carson to 11:00. I will deworm Buster at 12:00, do the E.K.G. at 12:30. Move Misty to 1:15. And stop mixing up my charts. Last week you almost had me neutering Mr. Panitch.
Lucky: From what I hear, you'd be doing Mrs. Panitch a favor.
John: Any time, ladies. Thank you.
Lucky: [narrating] No matter how busy he got, Doc always found time to help animals.
Bandit: Hi. My name is Bandit.
Dogs: Hi, Bandit. How you doing, Bandit?
Bandit: [sniffles] And I'm a stray.
Dogs: That's okay. We're all strays.
John: I know how hard it is the first time to get up there. Take your time.
Sheep Dog: One paw at a time, Bandit. That's true.
John: Right. Never give up hope. Never, ever give up hope. Not just Bandit. All you dogs, listen to me. Every dog in here can find a family and be somebody's best friend. Let me hear you say that. Say, "I am somebody's best friend."
Dogs: I'm somebody's best friend!
John: One more time. Again. I am somebody's best friend!
Dogs: I am somebody's best friend!
John: That's right. That's right. There's a family out in North Beach that's trying to find a good watchdog, somebody that's housebroken and great with kids. Any of you guys got a background in security?
Hound Dog: Oh, that'd be Rusty. Rusty's a watchdog.
John: Who's Rusty?
Dog: Rusty, tell-- Oh, no. Rusty!
Rusty: This better be important.
John: No, uh, never mind, Rusty. It says, "Must not lick ass all the time."
Lucky: [narrating] Every zoo in the country had a job for the Doc. He was especially good at matters of the heart.
John: How long's it been since you guys made little baby turtles?
Male Tortoise: Oh, not that long. Maybe 20 years.
Female Tortoise: It'll be 48 years next Monday.
John: Okay, I see the problem here. I know what to do. Listen. I'm gonna give you these pills. Crush 'em up and put 'em in your food.
Male Tortoise: Oh, yeah? What do they do?
John: Oh!
Male Tortoise: Oh, yeah! You're looking fine! Coming at you, baby!
Lucky: [narrating] In fact, he became an international celebrity, traveling from Alaska to Australia.
Steve Irwin: I am here with Dr. Dolittle, who can actually talk with animals. We're here about to capture this alligator right behind us. The trick to capturing this guy is to put your arms around his neck...
Alligator: Hey, Dolittle, see what I'm doing, I'm allowing Steve to think I don't know he's back there. Wait 'till he tries to grab me, turn on him and Bob's your uncle bite his arm off! [laughs]
[Steve is still talking to camera]
Irwin: I'm gonna have to get my arm around his neck and handle his -
John: [having heard the alligator] Steve, I think he knows we're over here.
Irwin: [shushes Dolittle] Quiet, I don't wanna spoil the element of surprise...NOW! [Alligator roar noise]
John: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Irwin: Crikey! Me arm! [Belching sound]
Lucky: [narrating] Yeah, it seemed everybody wanted a piece of the good doctor. And his family understood. Well, most of them did. But we'll get to that part in a minute.
John: Thank you.
Lucky: [narrating] Right now I gotta answer the door.
Lucky: [muttering] Yeah? Who's there?
John: It's me. I forgot my key. Open up.
Lucky: Then I guess you'll have to beg. Come on, boy! Beg! Get it? Role reversal. 'Cause usually it's the human t-that says to the dog, uh-
John: I know you'd better open up the door before I... Just open the door, Lucky.
Lucky: Seeing as you're the one who feeds me, I'm gonna let you in.
John: Okay, thank you. Thank you.
John: Guess who's back from France!
Lisa: John?
John: Hey!
Lisa: Hey! How you doing?
John: Hi, sweetie. [grunting] I got you a present from Paris.
Lisa: That's for me?
John: Yes, that's for you. That's for us.
Lisa: Oh! [laughs]
John: I can enjoy this present as well.
Lisa: You know what would be a really nice present, though?
John: What's that?
Lisa: If you could keep that flock of your faithful away from the building.
John: I'm sorry. I'll talk to 'em later.
Maya: Daddy!
John: Hey, baby! How you doing? I got you a little present from Mexico.
Maya: Gracias. I wonder what it is.
Pepito: Aah! Earthquake! 9-1-1! Nueve-uno-uno!
John: Oh, no, no. I wouldn't shake it.
Pepito: Ow! My spleen! Ooh, that hurt.
Maya: Oh, he's so cute. Thanks, Dad.
Pepito: Hey, this isn't Puerto Vallarta.
John: It's a chameleon. It can change color against different backgrounds.
Pepito: The blendmaster is in the house! I gonna disappear! Now you see me- Poof! Now you don't, eh?
John: No, we can still see you.
Pepito: I'm not gone? I'm not invisible?
Lisa: You did remember Charisse's birthday?
John: I sure did. You remember to get the cake from Stinson's?
Pepito: How about now?
Lisa: Uh, actually, Charisse doesn't want to have a family birthday party.
John: What's that about? I thought we always celebrate together.
Pepito: You have anything green?
John: Take this thing to your room.
Pepito: Guacamole? A big pickle?
Lisa: She's got a date.
Pepito: I suck.
John: A date? With who?
Lisa: I didn't ask. She's a big girl now.
John: We'll see about this date thing. Where's the birthday girl at?
John: Uh, she's unreachable. What? Where is she?
Lisa: She's in her room with the door locked and headphones on. You could try paging her.
John: She's in the house and unreachable? I'm supposed to page her in my house. I'm gonna page somebody in my own house? Okay, we'll see if I'm gonna page some-- I ain't paging nothing!
Lucky: Careful, Doc, she's 16. That's a tough age.
John: Hey! Charisse, open this door! Can you believe this? Hey!
Lucky: Try her cell.
John: I'm not calling on the cell phone while she's in her bedroom.
[rattling doorknob]
John: Hey! Charisse. Open the door! Okay. All right! Okay! Okay! [growling] Charisse! Charisse!
Drunk Monkey: [slurping, hiccuping] [chuckles] Those teenagers, Doc. They can drive a man to drink.
John: Hey, what are you drinking?
Drunk Monkey: Gatorade.
John: Oh, really? Give it to me. [takes water pouch and smells drink]
Drunk Monkey: Hmph!
John: Gatorade make wine now, huh?
Drunk Monkey: Naaaah!
John: You better slow down.
Possum: Which one of you is Dolittle?
John: What now?
Possum: I have a message from the boss.
John: From the who?
Possum: The boss, the guard beaver. Save the questions and come with me.
John: You guys know the rules. You just don't come up here on my balcony. Make an appointment. You make an appointment Now, go. You tell the beaver make an appointment just like everybody else.
Possum: I can't tell him that. I'll end up sleeping with the fishes.
John: How's it gonna look in the paper when Dolittle throws a possum off the roof? That's not gonna look right. Now, leave, 'cause I will.
Possum: Watch your tone, buddy.
John: [muffled] Charisse!
Charisse: Talk.
John: This is Daddy. How are you?
Charisse: Hey!
John: I got a couple of questions for you. I wanna know how come I gotta climb up the side of a building and get on a cell phone to talk to you!
Charisse: Calm down. Where are you?
John: [muffled] I'm outside of the building, right here!
Charisse: Dad! Dad, what are you doing?
John: What am I doing? It's the only way I can reach you! What are you doing in here? What's all of that about? You don't do that in public, do you?
Charisse: Dance? Of course.
John: That's not dancing. That's advertising. What's this about you don't want to spend your birthday with your family?
Charisse: Having dinner with your family is something you do when you're young, not when you're turning 16. Besides, I have a date.
John: You can bring your date 'cause you're coming to dinner.
Charisse: Cool! Eric, these are my parents and my little sister. They're joining us on our date.
John: No, he's gonna be joining us at a family event. We have it every year. I don't even know why-- [finds Charisse's report card] What's this?
Charisse: Dad, that's private.
John: I can see why it's private. it's embarrassing. You got two C's and a D.
Charisse: Embarrassing? [chuckles] Dad, you are the last person who should talk about anything being embarrassing.
John: What are you talking about? What's that supposed to mean?
Drunk Monkey: [screeches, hiccups]
John: I'm supposed to stop helping the animals because you find it embarrassing?
Charisse: That's not gonna happen.
John: That's right. It's not gonna happen. So forget about it. You're coming to dinner. Look at this. No cell phone for a week.
Charisse: What am I supposed to do without my cell phone?
John: Here's some stamps. Learn how to write a letter. You think I care? Do I look like I care? Look at me. No, Charisse.
Charisse: No.
John: Look at me. Do I look like I care? Look. I don't care.
John: This is unbelievable. She has 50 numbers in here, not one of them is mine.
Lisa: You shouldn't be looking at that.
John: Why not? "Biggie Mack, cell. Biggie Mack, pager. Biggie Mack, home." Who the hell is Biggie Mack?
Lisa: I don't know, John.
John: I'm gonna find out who Biggie Mack is. I don't like that name. What the hell kind of name is that?
[phone rings]
Eldon: What is that?
Eldon's Wife: Marcus's cell phone.
Eldon: Cell phone?
Eldon's Wife: Mm-hmm.
Eldon: When did he get a cell phone?
Eldon's Wife: Last week.
Lisa: What are you doing? John!
John: Shh! I'm checking out Biggie Mack.
Eldon: Hello.
John: Hey, who is this?
Eldon: Well, who is this?
John: Is this Biggie Mack?
Eldon: Who wants to know?
John: I'm asking the questions here, punk!
Eldon: What?
John: How old are you?
Eldon: None of your damn business.
John: What if I make it my business to find out how old you are?
Eldon: Are you threatening me?
John: I don't make threats! I'm promising you that if you ever--
Lisa: John!
Eldon: Is this John Dolittle?
Lisa: Hi, I'm so sorry. That's a wrong number.
John: That's a grown man on the other end of that phone.
Lisa: I wish I could say the same thing about you.
[doorbell ringing]
Lisa: The door.
John: I hear the door.
Lisa: Go get that door right now!
John: Who am I, Mr. French? I got to get doors? Just a minute.
Eric: Hey, Dr. D. What's up? it's me.
John: Me? Who's "me"? Back up, "me."
Eric: I'm saying, you gonna let me in? Dr. D. What's going on? Excuse me? Remember me? Eric, Domino's Pizza. Extra cheese, anchovies, guacamole?
John: You're the pizza guy, yeah.
Eric: I delivered that.
John: Thanks a lot, man. I forget to give you a tip? I'm sorry.
Eric: No, no, that's cool. You gave me something a little better than a tip.
John: I'm gonna take care of you. It's nice to have a little--
Eric: What's up, baby? What's going on? You ready?
John: Hold on. Wait. This is your date?
Charisse: Dad, Eric. Eric, Dad.
Eric: [chuckling] My man. What's up?
Charisse: Uh, Eric? Hmm, no. We have to stay here with the family and eat dinner.
Eric: Huh? It's cool with me.
John: Hey, Charisse, now, don't be like that. You gonna ruin dinner for everybody. Come on now.
Eric: You know what, pops? Don't sweat that. I know how to take care of her.
John: Pops?
John: Charisse has always had a mind of her own. When she was about a year and a half, she decided not to wear diapers anymore. Remember that?
Lisa: John.
John: She started having accidents around the house 'cause she didn't have it down yet. We'd have little piles--
Charisse: Dad, you just had to go there, didn't you?
John: This is family. We're talking the old days.
Eric: It's cool. I'm actually learning something here.
John: Really? You know what's interesting? You never learned to take off your hat at the dinner table. Isn't your head getting hot? Mine's hot just looking at you in that hat.
Lisa: Sixteen! Just think. In two years you'll be out of this house and on your way to college.
Charisse: One year, ten months, sixteen days.
John: You know what? Berkeley's a really close college. You could live at home, save money.
Charisse: That's a good idea. But I've already reserved a U-Haul for the day I graduated high school.
John: Oh. You reserved a U-Haul already?
Maya: Uh, Dad? Someone to see you.
Joey: Yo, step outside.
John: Thank you, sweetie. Excuse me, darling.
Charisse: Bye, Dad Love you.
John: I love you too. Excuse me, Eric.
Joey: Hey, hey, yo. Yo, down here. Okay.
John: What do you want?
Joey: First, let me say the beaver sends birthday greetings to your lovely daughter.
John: Really? That's very nice. Tell the beaver he's starting to get on my nerves.
Joey: Why are you getting bent out of shape? He only wants a moment of your time.
John: What if I say no?
Joey: I don't think you want to go down that road, my friend.
[knocks on window]
John: Go and tell the beaver, 8:00, my office, tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, the beaver don't travel for nobody. He knows you're a busy man, and he will remember this, but this is truly a life-or-death situation.
John: All right, shut up, listen. My car, 7:00 a.m. All right?
Joey: Hey, this is good news. The beaver likes good news.
John: Thank you.
Joey: Jimmy, get the car.
John: Come on, blow your candles out and make a wish.
[girls scream]
Rat #1: Sweet...
Rat #2: Surprise!
Rat #1: Happy birthday!
Rat #2: It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
Rat #1: There's a mouse in the house!
Rat #2: Hey, give me that!
Rat #1: I am licking the candles!
Rat #2: Oh, yeah, you can lick my fat, funky little--
Rat #1: Hey, don't be a piggy!
John: Charisse, I'm so sorry.
[John grabs two rats who popped out of Charisse's birthday cake.]
Rat #2: Hey, watch the fur! Watch the fur, buddy! We're trying to do something nice for your daughter.
Rat #1: A couple of cute little kitties pop out, you'd say, "Oh, how cute! How cute!"
John: [Hanging them over the edge of a window] But you're not. You're not- You're not-
Rat #1: Put me down!
John: Listen, you are not a couple of cute little kitties.
Rat #2: Yes, we are.
John: You are two disgusting rats...
Rat #2: No, we're not.
John: ...that just ruined the birthday cake.
Rat #2: Oh, so you wanna get personal now, dude? Well, do you know what "rats" spelled backwards is, mister? It's "star!"
Rat #1: That's right! I'm the star, buddy!
John: Oh, really, is that right? Well, do you know what "ha" spelled backwards is?
Rat #2: Uh, no, I don't have any--
[John he drops them.]
Rats: Aaaaah!
John: Exactly!
[The two rats land safely in a garbage dump.]
Rat #1: Could it be?
Rat #2: Yes, it is! Diapers!
Rat #1: My favorite! Chocolate!
Maya: Say, "Maya."
Lucky: Maya.
Maya: Maya.
Lucky: Maya.
Charisse: What do you think you're doing?
Maya: I think he's about to say something.
Lucky: Bring me a bone.
Pepito: And a large order of flies. Super-sized.
Lucky: You will bring me ham, luncheon meats, cold cuts.
Charisse: Lucky, out.
John: Hey. Maya, can I talk to Charisse alone for a second?
Maya: Okay. Come on, boy.
John: [sighs] Charisse, look, I'm sorry about tonight. I'm thinking about cutting back a bit and spending more time with you guys.
Charisse: Great, now more animals will be here.
John: What if we don't stay here? We can go on a big vacation to Europe, the whole family.
Charisse: Are you serious?
John: I'm dead serious. We can go to Paris, Rome, the Greek islands. We always talked about that. What do you think?
Charisse: Is this a bribe?
John: Yes, this is a bribe.
Charisse: It's working.
Joey: Yo, Doc, one other thing...
John: Tomorrow!
Charisse: What?
John: Tomorrow.
Charisse: Tomorr...
John: Yeah. European vacation. Tomorrow-Tomorrow! We're going to Europe tomorrow.
Lucky: [narrating] So, Doc, the raccoon and the possum took a road trip to meet this mysterious beaver.
Joey: Hey, Doc, nice wheels. What do you call this thing?
John: Oh, this is a Mustang.
Possum: Yo, Doc, is there a car named after me?
John: No, I don't think they make a Possum.
Possum: Why not?
John: Not a lot of cars named after rodents.
Joey: I wanna go over a couple ground rules for when you're in the beaver's presence. Number one: No sudden movements. Number two: Do not stare at his teeth. Between you and me, he's got a little bit of an overbite. I personally think he needs braces, but I'm not a dentist. Numbers three through ten: You will treat him with the respect he deserves. Capisce?
John: We're talking about a beaver, right?
Animal: Hey, Doc!
Joey: Hey, Tootie, how you doing?
Animal: Hey, Doctor, how are you?
Joey: Back away from him, Jimmy. Show some respect, you animals.
Owl: Look, the raccoon got the doctor.
Bird: He says he's a miracle worker.
John: Hello?
Joey: Paulie, get the boss ready.
Paulie: I'm doing everything like you say, Joey. I'm just, I'm gonna go get some acorns.
God Beaver Eh, Dr. Dolittle, I presume. Welcome to my den. Would you like a fish?
John: Oh, no, thank you. I've eaten already.
Joey: Hey, the beaver offers you a fish, you take the fish.
God Beaver Joey, shut up.
Joey: Sorry, boss.
God Beaver I've heard good things about you from some of the Bay Area families.
John: From the Bay Area families. Really? [chuckles] What are you guys, some kind of mafia?
Joey: Mafia? No. We don't know nothing about no mafia, do we, boys?
Possum: Nah, never heard of it.
John: No, that's a myth.
God Beaver I'm just a simple fisherman who's blessed with many friends. Perhaps you will be one of them.
John: What do you guys want from me?
God Beaver Well, I'm losing my territory.
John: What, the other animals moving in on you or something?
God Beaver Yeah, the human kind. They're cutting down our homes, busting up families. Word is they're cutting down the whole forest.
John: Guys, you're talking to the wrong person. You need to contact one of those nature groups like the Sierra Club or, um--
God Beaver It has to be you, Doc. You're the only one who knows how to speak human.
Joey: Yeah, we can't fight humans on our own. They got guns, knives, pullout couches. Sure, I got rabies. I could bite somebody. But I can only do so much!
John: You guys have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
God Beaver Sure, I do. It's man against nature. But with you on our side, I like the odds.
John: Me on your side? I didn't say I was gonna help you. I didn't say.
God Beaver Doctor, before you say no, I would like you to see what we're talking about.
Squirrel: [sniffling] It's gone. Everything, gone.
John: How do you save a forest, anyway?
Lisa: It's not gonna be easy, John. But I would assume the lumber companies have a lot of clout. I do know if there were a threatened or endangered species living in the forest, there are laws that protect it.
John: How am I gonna find out if there are any endangered animals in the forest?
Lisa: Well, you could ask Eugene.
Eugene:[He holding the orangutan] We found an endangered species of bear. A female whose mother had been killed by poachers. She's the only Pacific Western bear up there.
John: Good. One bear has to be protected.
Eugene: Well, no. The lawyers for Potter's Logging Company argued that since she's the only one there, there's no chance for survival of the species anyway. There'd have to be a male too.
Giraffe: Pardon me.
John: Why don't we get a male up there and let nature take its course?
Eugene: Unfortunately, The only male Pacific Western bear we could find was raised in captivity.
Giraffe: Excuse me.
Eugene: There's never been a bear raised in captivity that's been successfully reintroduced to the wild.
John: They've never had the world-famous love doctor making the introductions.
Giraffe: Psst! Doctor.
John: Excuse me a second.
Giraffe: Your man left the barn door open.
Eugene: Is something wrong?
John: Uh, d- Eh--
Eugene: Oh, jeez. Hope that Bam Bam didn't see that.
John: Oh, I'm sure... The giraffe is the one that was disgusted.
Eugene: I am so sorry.
John: I know you're disappointed.
Charisse: Disappointed? About not going to Europe? Now, Dad, why would I be disappointed?
John: I made you a promise. I'm gonna stick to it. If you don't want me to do this, I'll understand. Okay?
Charisse: Like I can actually say no and not feel guilty for the rest of my life.
Maya: When do we leave?
John: As soon as we get a court order stopping the clear-cutting.
Lisa: Who's gonna argue the case?
John: Wh-Why you looking around?
Lisa: Me?
John: What, me? Not me. You.
Lisa: No, n-n-n-no.
John: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Lisa: No, no, John.
John: Yes, yes, yes.
Lisa: No. Don't make me do this.
John: Come on. For the animals. [mock whimpering] Do it for the animals.
Lisa: I don't do animal law.
John: That's species-ism. You're a species-ist. You' re a species-ist!
Lisa: No, Your Honor, we're simply asking for an injunction so that we might have the chance to save a species.
Jack Riley: [chuckles] Your Honor, this is a delaying tactic-slash-publicity stunt. I have affidavits signed by a range of experts who all concur that to take a bear raised in captivity and reintroduce it into the wild is, well, dangerous and irresponsible. Simply put, a bear raised by "circus folk" wouldn't know how to feed itself or interact with real bears, let alone make it through its first winter. No. it would certainly succumb to Darwin's law of nature: survival of the fittest.
Lisa: Actually--
Maya: Yeah, but Darwin never met my dad.
Judge B. Duff: Young lady, that's inappropriate behavior. And just who is your father?
John: Sir-- Your Honor, that's me. I'm her father. Name's Dolittle.
Maya: Dr. Dolittle.
[spectators murmuring]
Judge B. Duff: Dr. Dolittle. Do you feel you could rehabilitate a tame bear and mate it in the wild with a female?
John: Yes, I do, Your Honor.
Judge B. Duff: In that case, I'll grant a one-month delay on the harvesting of Campbell's Grove. For one month, Dr. Dolittle. That's it.
John: Thank you, sir.
Judge B. Duff: And, Doctor, if that bear should so much as set one paw in a campsite or this town, I'll rescind this order immediately.
John; I understand completely. Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you.
Lisa: Thank you, Your Honor.
[gavel bangs]
Reporter #1: Doctor! Dr. Dolittle! Over here!
Reporter #2: Dr. Dolittle! Dr. Dolittle, you speak to both domestic and wild animals. Can a circus bear relate to a forest bear?
John: Well, I don't know much about him except that he's been living in captivity, so I'm sure he'll be really happy to return to the wild.
Lisa: [mouths words]
Lucky: [narrating] So much for a family vacation. But Doc figured, how hard could this be? That was before he met Archie.
♪♪ [Rock]
Emce: Ladies and gentlemen, he's the bear with flair, the walking rug with an adorable mug-Archie the bear!
[motorcycle engine revs]
Archie: ♪ Get your motor running ♪ ♪ Head out on the highway ♪ They love me. Go.
[revving continues]
Archie: ♪ Born to be wi-i-i-ild ♪
[crash]
Archie: Ow! Gee! ♪ And that's the show ♪♪ Whew! Big-boned gal, huh?
John: Oh. [chuckles] Yeah, I guess so.
Archie: Got any action shots? You know what I'm talking about.
John: No, I don't, but listen, you'd be lucky to wind up with somebody like her.
Archie: Look, I have had so many girlfriends, you know-- [chuckles] Okay, look, I've never had a girlfriend. just bring her by on Monday. That's when I'm dark. Okay?
John: I can't bring her here. You have to go to her.
Archie: Whoa, whoa. Go to her? Where?
John: Um, she's in the forest.
Archie: Ooh, uh, I don't play forests. I'm strictly a state fair, small arena-type bear.
John: Archie, Do you know what kind of bear you are?
Archie: Um, let's see. Yes. I'm a singer. Dancer-- three years tap, two years jazz.
John: No, Archie, you're an endangered species.
Archie: Is that a threat, buddy? Because my lawyer will be down here--
John: No, I'm not threatening you. You're a very rare bear. You're a Pacific Western bear. You know what that is?
Archie: Yes, I know what-- I can play any kind of bear. I've got range. Grizzly, panda. Here, check out my polar. I am freezing! It is cold!
John: I haven't made it clear. Let me break it down to you. Your ancestors come from the mountains of California.
Archie: Yes, blah, blah, blah.
John: When you were six months old, they took you from your mother and taught you to wiggle your hips to a recording of "Hound Dog."
Archie: No, no, I taught myself that. I admit I pander, 'cause I'm a pander bear! Get it? Ha ha ha! Pander!
John: Yeah, that's funny stuff, Archie. But listen, what I'm proposing to you is, I'd like to take you back to where your ancestors roamed, get you out in the woods and teach you to be a real bear.
Archie: Look, I like the bear I am. Okay? I'm famous! Have you been to the gift shop? I have my own beanie baby.
John: You do this, you'll be the most famous bear in all the world.
Archie: Bigger than Pooh?
John: Are you kidding me? You pull this off, they'll be saying, "Winnie the who?"
Archie: You've got yourself a bear.
Reporter: And in what must be one of the most unusual stories of the year, Dr. John Dolittle is trying to rewrite the laws of nature by attempting to reintroduce a performing bear into the wild. In doing so, he hopes to save an entire forest from destruction. It's Darwin versus Dolittle.
Jack Riley: Oh, get over yourself.
Joe Potter: Governor, I've got two lumber mills waiting for that wood.
Governor: I understand, Joe, but it's complicated. Especially if that endangered bear survives.
Joe Potter: I don't meet my quota, Governor, you're the one who's gonna be endangered.
Jack Riley: Now, now, J.P., not to worry.
Governor: That ridiculous bear is bound to screw up at least once.
Jack Riley: And when he does, you'll have yourself a new trophy.
Joe Potter: And I've got just the place to put him.
Lucky: [narrating] So we all moved to the forest and waited for Archie to arrive. While the family settled, it was time I started looking out for number one.
Lucky: [chuckles] Huh? ♪ Doo-do-do-do-doo ♪ This looks like as good a place as any. Ah, the simple pleasures of life. Holy lord! That wolf is a fox! I hope I don't have dog breath, you know, from licking my own-- Never mind. Oh, you like that, huh? Yeah, that was me. [chuckles] Plenty more where that came from.
Wolf: [growls]
Lucky: "Grr" to you too. What is that, some kind of secret wild lady dog code for "You like me"? Yeah, I do some dancing. Here's a little move I call the back-scratcher. Pretty cool, huh? H-Hey, hot lady, wait. Where you going? Call me!
Lucky: [narrating] And so, the big day finally came, and I had a feeling the fur was gonna fly.
John: Okay, everybody, you all know why we're here. We're about to try to do something that's never been done before. Everyone thinks we can't pull this off, and they got their blades sharpened and their trucks ready to roll. But we're gonna prove 'em wrong, right? That's right. Now I want everybody to put their claws together. How about a big round of applause for the bear that's gonna lead the way? Let's hear it for Archie!
Animals [murmuring]
John: Yeah! Come on!
Archie: Are you ready to save the forest? ♪ Put your paws up Put your paws up, come on, now ♪
Squirrel: Is this some kind of joke?
Archie: Hey, I wanna go serious on ya for a second. I know I've got my work cut out for me, but with your help I know one thing... [whispers] Now. Go.
♪♪ [piano intro]
♪♪ [up-tempo disco]
Archie: [off-key] ♪ I will survive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪♪ Everybody!
♪♪ [Archie humming]
Deer: We're dead.
Crow: Nevermore.
Forest Animal: This show's over.
Rabbit: Let's go fool around.
God Beaver: You got your work cut out for you, Doc.
♪♪ [fades]
Archie: I'm done. Turn it off.
John: You're not a real bear. You're Wayne Newton in a bear suit.
Archie: So dirty. Look at my paws.
John: It's the woods, Archie. Its chief component is dirt.
Archie: Wait. Hey, Doc, is that her? She's a babe.
John: Yeah, that's her.
Archie: Oh. Look at the way she moves. Man, would I love to see her wet.
John: I tell you what. I'm gonna go over and introduce you. You just wait over there. OK?
Archie: Yeah, good. Hey, tell her I really dig her fat pouch, but don't be crude.
John: I'll try to work that in.
Archie: Okay, good. Wait, hey... Gah!
Ava: Are you coming over here? I'm a little busy foraging.
[Dr. Dolittle meets a Pacific Western bear named Ava and makes a proposition]
John: Hi.
Ava: Hi.
John: Hello. My name is John.
Ava: I'm Ava.
John: Hi, Ava. That's a pretty name. Nice to meet you.
Ava: Hi.
John: Hey, uh, quick question, Ava. How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?
Ava: You're real cute, but I don't go interspecies.
John: I'm not talking about me. I shoulding have said man. I should've said bear. The bear of your dreams. What do you think of that big, magnificent hunk of bear there?
Ava: Um, I don't think I see him. Oh, is he standing behind that dork?
John: Oh, no, he is... Look, let me explain to you what's going on, all right? There's a logging company that's gonna tear down this whole forest, everything. The only thing that can stop 'em... is if I can get two Pacific Western bears together. You're a Pacific Western bear, and so is he. If I can get you together and you made little Pacific Western bears, then-- You see where I'm going with this?
Ava: Uh-huh, yeah. [walks away] Look, no offense, but I don't talk to bear pimps.
John: Hey, wait a minute. At least let me call him over so you can meet him. Archie, come over here.
Archie: Hey, Johnny, there you are. Come on. I thought we were gonna go work out. Jeez.
John: Okay, Archie, you're on.
Archie: What do I say to her?
John: Get to know her a little. Tell her about yourself.
Archie: Hi! I'm Archie. [nervous chuckle] I like moonlit walks on the beach, uh, sharing slop buckets with that special someone, and the soulful sounds of the Backstreet Boys.
Ava: You're very weird.
Archie: Weird, as in sexy?
Ava: No, just weird.
John: Hey, Archie, uh, why don't you let me take it from here? That was good.
Archie: Okay. [whispers] Damn!
John: What do you think of Archie? Cute?
Ava: Oh, don't make me eat you.
John: Stop that. He's a little uncomfortable around the female species at first--
Ava: That's not even really the point. I need a real bear, someone who can hunt and protect and provide for me.
John: Oh. Okay. I can understand that.
Ava: Oh, and I'm already involved with someone.
John: Really? You have a boyfriend already-a "bearfriend." Are you in love this bear?
Ava: "Love"? My cousin married for love, and the next thing she knows... he's two-timing her with this hot little grizzly in a cave up north.
John: Okay, so you're not in love?
Ava: No.
John: All right, let's make a deal. Don't make any decisions for a month. I'm gonna go work with Archie, and in a month's time I'm gonna turn that bear... into a bear that you'll be proud to have little bear cubs with.
Archie: Check it out! I've flipped for you... [crunch] Pinecone. Gah!
John: Hey.
Charisse: Hey.
John: [sighs] [inhales, sighs] Perfect night.
[crickets chirping]
John: Sitting' here, breathing fresh country air, listening to the crickets chirp.
Charisse: Yep.
John: You know what the crickets are saying?
Charisse: Dad, I don't speak to the animals. You're the one who understands 'em, not me. Little monkeys don't come up to me asking me for a 40-ounce. I don't say, "Can I help you, little animal? Need a shot?" I don't do that. I'm in my room listening to music. You see me talking to the animals?
John: Hey, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey! Slow it down a second. I was just gonna tell you that crickets are natures thermometers, that's all. You can tell how cold it is by how fast they chirp.
Charisse: It seems a little cold out here, doesn't it?
John: Yeah, a little nippy.
Charisse: Maybe I need to go get my vest. Yeah.
[distant rhythmic thumping]
♪♪ [hip-hop]
[vehicle approaching]
♪♪[car stereo: hip-hop continues]
[chattering laughing]
Eric: Yo, Dr. Dre is still the best. Hey, and get a tuneup, man. Get a tuneup. Yo, what's up, baby?
Charisse: Hey, Eric.
[car races away]
Charisse: Mmm!
John: H-H-Hey! Hey! You left your homey!
Eric: What's up, Dr. D?
John: I don't know, Eric. Maybe you should tell me.
Eric: Yo, man, I came to visit. Since y'all love me so much, I was gonna stay a couple days.
John: No, no. Hell, no. Charisse, I don't understand.
Charisse: What's not to understand, Dad?
John: Eric with bags. I don't understand that.
Charisse: He's staying here for a couple nights. Mama said so.
John: Oh, your mother said so.
Charisse: Yes.
John: Oh, okay. Eric, you gonna be on the floor in the living room in a sleeping bag, if you don't have a problem with that. By the way, Eric, I'm watching you. And not just me. I got eyes all around the woods. You know I talk to the birds. Right?
Charisse: Thanks, Dad.
John: Yes, so watch your back.
Eric: [laughs] I feel you.
John: You feel me? Okay. All right. I'm watching... I'm watching you, Eric! I'm watching your back!
TV Narrator: Bears are opportunistic eaters, finding food wherever they can.
Archie: Can we please see what else is on?
John: You need to watch this so you can learn... how to feed yourself and survive during the winter.
Archie: What is he doing? Digging?
John: You never even wondered what your sharp claws was for?
Archie: Uh, no.
Narrator: Bears are excellent swimmers.
Archie: [shudders] Not this bear.
John: I know you're not gonna tell me you don't know how to swim.
Archie: Wait, you haven't heard? There's a new invention. it's called... the boat!
John: That's the last straw. Get up at dawn. I'm teaching you how to fish.
Archie: How 'bout noon-ish?
John: Unbelievable.
Lucky: [narrating] And so began the bear-athon, a training mission so "grizzly," so un-bear-able, so hairy-that's enough.
John: Archie, let's do it. This river's full of fish. Let's go.
Archie: Yup. So is Red Lobster.
John: Don't look at me, look at the water. That's where the fish are.
Archie: They're moving. Oh, man, one just touched me. One just touched me!
John: Look, you big, furry baby, put your face down right now and grab a fish!
Archie: No!
John: Archie! I want to do just like you saw on TV. Put your face under the water and catch a fish can do it. Come on, man. I'm here with you. Go under the water.
Archie: All right! I'll try it.
John: All right, one, two, three...
Archie: [inhales deeply]
Fish #1: That's Archie!
Fish #2: What's up?
Fish #3: What's up?
Wassup Fish: What's up?
Archie: [gurgling] Hey, fellas, what's up?
John: Okay, okay, get one.
Archie: [gurgling] Can't breathe!
John: Archie!
Archie: Can't breathe!
John: Hey! Archie. Archie! [grunting, panting]
Archie: [burps, groans]
John: OK, Archie. You tell me how smart do you have to be to lift your head out of the water when you can't breathe?
Archie: I saw a light. It was a bright light. It was beautiful.
John: OK, That;s it. We're gonna take you on a little trip right now that's gonna toughen you up. Come on.
Archie: What? What?
John: We're gonna find something even you can catch. Come on.
Archie: I saw my grandma.
John: Go on, eat.
Archie: Oh, I...
John: Come on, eat!
Archie: They're-I don't eat, uh- I'm good. Thanks. [sniffs] Okay, am I close?
Lucky: Cold.
Pepito: Use the Force.
Archie: Colder? Warmer?
Lucky: Arctic.
Lisa: So, how's it going?
John: It's going great, honey. I'm not even gonna need three weeks. Honey, look, he's already foraging grapes. Right?
Eric: Why's he walking away from 'em?
John: He's not walking away. He's circling the grapes.
Eric: Why? Are they dangerous grapes?
John: No, no, the grapes aren't dangerous, Eric.
Archie: Seriously, where are the grapes?
John: Don't worry, he's doing great. We're right on schedule.
Archie: I'm getting dizzy! Ohh! Oh! Oww! [crashing down stairs] I'm okay! Concrete broke my fall! Definite bruise.
Archie: Now, explain this again. I'm supposed to climb into a small, dark space and sleep for six months?
John: That's what bears do. It's called hibernation.
Archie: Sounds more like depression. Wait, how do I eat?
John: Well, you don't eat. What you do is, you eat a lot during the summer. That lasts you throughout the whole winter.
Archie: Where do I go to the bathroom?
John: No going to the bathroom.
Archie: [laughing] What? You're kidding.
John: I'm serious. What you do is, a week before you hibernate you start eating things like dirt and moss and hair and grass, and it forms a big plug in your, um-- it p-plugs up your, uh- Uh, you know.
Archie: It blocks my butt?
John': Yeah, it blocks it all up with this big, nasty, hairy plug of hair and grass. It's a big, nasty plug.
Archie: Whoa, wait. You want me to sleep for six months with a big cork in my butt?
John: Yeah, that's the idea of it.
Archie: Okay, good-bye! See ya later!
John: Hey, Archie, come back here!
Archie: Nope, I'm gone! See ya!
John: Archie!
Archie: Hey, heading south?
John: Archie, nobody's gonna pick up a hitchhiking bear.
Archie: Look, I'll split the gas and sit in the back with the kids.
John: Come on, Archie, stop it.
Archie: I'm sorry, Doc. This isn't working out. I almost drowned. Ava doesn't like me.
John: Look, I'm tired of your complaining. Archie. OK? Look up in this tree. What do you see, huh?
Bird: [squawks]
Archie: Bird.
John: Right. A bird in his home. On the branch below him there's a squirrel in his home. And there's a little rabbit in his home. All these animals are depending on you. Hey. you can do this. Just listen to your inner bear. OK? Just trust him. He'll tell you what to do. Just trust him, Archie. Come on.
Archie: Okay, but I gotta tell ya, my inner bear has a problem with the butt plug.
John: All right, that's it, I'm gonna show you what happens to animals that don't have a home. Come on.
Black Pig: [imitating Hannibal Lecter] Hello, Clarice.
Archie: Uh, Doc, this isn't necessary.
John: It's time for a little tough love. Come on.
Young Zoo Bear: Look, Iggy! What's the matter, boy? Couldn't make it on the outside?
Archie: Hey--
Young Zoo Bear: Come on in, powder puff.
John: Go on in there.
Archie: But wh-why?
John: There's a couple bears inside that want to meet you. Go. Come on.
Archie: I'll just sit over on that side of the cell.
John: I'm tired of this madness.
[phone rings]
Archie: Don't be scared.
Young Zoo Bear: I'll bite ya!
John: Yes, Dolittle. Oh, hi, honey!
Old Zoo Bear: Don't like to hunt? Don't like to fish? You know what I would give to be in the forest instead of in this dump?
Archie: Uh, Doc!
Young Zoo Bear: Do I hear someone talking?
Archie: No, no.
Young Zoo Bear: See, that's the problem with kids today-no respect. Kid think he knows my life.
Old Zoo Bear: He needs us to teach him a lesson.
Archie: N-No, I just--
Old Zoo Bear: I'm gonna give him a bear hug. Get over here let me give you a bear hug. Get over here, Tiny.
John: No, it's actually going quite well. I finally got this under control.
[snapping]
Bears: ♪ Her name was Lola ♪
Archie: Yeah!
Bears: ♪ She was a show bear ♪
Archie: Whoo!
John: Lisa, let me call you back.
Bears: ♪ With yellow feathers in her hair ♪ ♪ And her dress cut down to there ♪
Archie: Where?
Bears: ♪ At the Copa ♪
Archie: Yes!
Bears: ♪ Copacabana ♪
Archie: Doc, apparently everyone in this place loves musicals.
Bears: [♪♪ continues, fades]
Archie: I'm kidding. I'll try harder.
Lucky: [narrating] Meanwhile, while the cat's away, the mice will play, and by mice I mean teenagers.
Eric: All right, they still closed?
Charisse: Yes.
Possum: Here they come.
Charisse: You did all this?
Joey: Okay, boys, this is it. Remember what the Doc said. If this punk tries anything fresh, we let him have it. Capisce?
Eric: I got wings, legs, tacos, whatever.
Pepito: Taco? Did somebody say taco?
Joey: No, no, blend in, blend in. You're gonna blow our cover.
Eric: Charisse, there's something I been meaning to do since we got out here.
Charisse: Oh, really. What's that?
Eric: This.
Joey: Now!
Eric: Eeeew!
Drunk Monkey: He French-kissed me! Blecch! Blah! Blah!
Joey: Now, that worked out nicely. The drinks are on me, Jenny.
Lucky: [narrating] Meanwhile, the doctor gave Archie and me some lessons of our own.
Lucky: Could you leave a little for me? Technically, it is my--
Wolf: [growls]
Lucky: Just a thought.
John: Hey! What's going on here?
Lucky: I've been so blessed, I feel I should give back to the hot lady dog.
John: You don't have to put up with that. Get outta here!
Wolf: [growls]
Lucky: That is one hot fox.
John: What's the matter with you two? Don't you know that every female is looking for the strongest male?
Archie: But what about personality?
Lucky: I'm gonna die a virgin.
John: Shut up and listen. The strongest male is called the alpha male. The alpha male wants everybody to know he's the boss male. You have to be him-- the boss of all the males. You have to learn how to walk like the alpha male. Walk the walk.
Archie: Walk the walk.
John: And talk the alpha male talk!
Lucky; I'm still on the walk.
John: It's about power and respect. It's about pure, uncompromised, testosterone-driven male power!
Lisa: John, didn't I ask you to line the garbage pails?
John: You line 'em your damn self, woman!
Lisa: What?
John: I-I'm sorry, honey. I was talking to the animals. I got a little riled up. I was teaching 'em something.
Lisa: Stop messing with those animals and go and get us something to eat.
John: I'm on my way. Going right now, honey.
Lisa: Go.
Lucky: Way to go, alpha male. Talk the talk.
John: Shut up!
Lisa: Who are you telling to shut up?
John: I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the animals. I'm going to get the food.
John: You sure you don't want another one of these things?
Archie: No, I'm fine.
John: Okay. I got a question for you, Archie. Let's say you spend your whole life in show business. Right? What's gonna be your big finish? Every act has to have a big finish.
Archie: Big finish? Check it out. San Francisco Bee. Quote. "The best thing about Archie's act is when it's finished." End quote.
John: No, I mean in life. Who you gonna share your success with, your hopes, dreams, fears and failures? I tell you what. Everything I do wouldn't mean anything if didn't have my wife and kids to go home to.
Archie: Sometimes I do get very lonely. I've never been in love.
John: Okay, this is your big chance. I think Ava really likes you.
Archie: Did she say something? What'd she say?
John: You gotta learn to read between the lines sometimes.
Archie: She loves me? I knew it!
John: Hey, let's not get carried away. All right, Archie?
Archie: I feel like I'm about to burst. So, this is what love feels like, right? Oh. Or maybe it's the marshmallows. [burps]
John: I think it's the marshmallows. You ate a whole bag of 'em.
Archie: Doc, tomorrow you're gonna see a brand-new bear.
John: You know, Archie, I think I'm gonna call it a night.
Archie: Don't go. It's a little scary out here for me. Can you stay here till I fall asleep?
John: Okay, I'll wait till you fall asleep. Then I'm leaving.
Archie: Hey, Doc?
John: Yes, sir?
Archie: Can you leave the light on?
John: Okay, light stays on.
Archie: I'll keep these here, okay?
John: 'Night, Archie.
Archie: 'Night, Doc. If you want a marshmallow, just gotta ask me, okay?
Archie: Look out, Ava! There's a new Archie in town! Oh, yeah! That feels good! Feel it coming! Feel the burn! Feel the wind! Feel the muscle cramp! Oww! Aah! Oww!
John: Come on, Archie, don't quit. Dig deep. Let's go!
Archie: I think I pulled my butt muscle. Ouch. It stings. My butt stings. Could you rub my butt? Could you rub it, please? Rub my butt. Come back here, rub my butt. Please rub my butt.
Lucky: [narrating] Doc finally realized he was never gonna make Archie fast enough or strong enough to impress Ava, but maybe, maybe he could make him sweet enough.
Archie: Wow, how could anybody be so beautiful?
John: Why don't you tell her that?
Archie: Oh, I don't know. I... Oh, my... What is that?
John: Oh, that's Sonny. That's her little "bearfriend." She told me about him.
Archie: But he's a Kodiak bear.
John: Hey, don't get discouraged, man. Listen, you can win her over. The key to winning a woman over is, figure out what she likes. Take my wife.
Archie: Please!
John: Don't do that. This is serious.
Archie: I'm sorry.
John: My wife, she likes to be surprised.
Archie: Like jumping out of the bushes, screaming?
John: No, nothing like that. They like romance. Do something romantic. Something that says, "I'm thinking about you all the time." You know?
Archie: Wow, that's really nice. You do stuff like that all the time?
John: I used to. But lately I've been, you know, all caught up in this, so I guess I'm a little out of practice.
John: Okay, candles, fruit, cheese, wine. Perfect.
Lisa: What are you doing?
John: Oh, hey, honey. I'll tell you what I'm doing. It's all about you tonight, baby. I've sent the children to the movies, and the bear is camping in the woods. We're all alone.
Pepito: Oh, yes, all alone.
John: [clears throat] One second.
Pepito: No, you cannot see me. I am at one with the couch. I am blended perfectly, interwoven into every fiber. Oops! I can give you some pointers!
John: So much for the intrusions.
Pepito: Hey, come on. It ain't no fun if the homeys can't see none.
John: Now, where were we?
Lisa: You were thinking candles and wine would make up for ignoring me the last few days.
John: I'm sensing a little resistance. I took that into consideration. Here's something you won't be able to resist.
♪♪ [Stereo: R&B Ballad]
Lionel Richie: ♪ And I feel with you ♪
Lisa: [chuckles]
John: Is this our wedding song?
♪ In my arms ♪
Lisa: That's not fair.
John: Is this the first thing you ever danced to as Mrs. Dolittle?
Lisa: [laughing]
♪ This love will last ♪
Lucky: The show is about to start.
♪ Forever ♪
Archie: What show?
John: It is! It truly is!
♪ 'Cause I'm ♪ ♪ Truly ♪
John: ♪ I'm truly in love ♪
Archie: ♪ With Mrs. Dolittle ♪
♪ Truly in love ♪
[singing along]
John: ♪ Truly in love with you, girl ♪
♪♪ [continues]
Archie: Oh, he's so good.
Lucky: Let me tell ya, he scratched my belly the other day, my leg went crazy.
♪ Head over heels with your love ♪♪
God Beaver: Hey, what's going on?
Archie: Apparently, he's truly, truly in love with her.
Joey: Hey, Doc, give her some garbage. Chicks like garbage.
John: How about planting a little sugar on Dr. D's lips?
Lisa: I think I can do that.
John: Oh, really?
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Lucky: Go, Doctor! Go, Doctor!
Archie: D'oh!
Lisa: Ohh!
Deer: He broke her! [gasps]
John: Get outta here, all of you!
God Beaver: The kid's got moxie.
John: This ain't no peep show!
Archie: But this is really helpful. I'm learning a lot. Truly.
John: Just get out of here. We'll discuss it tomorrow.
Lucky: Uh-oh. Busted.
Lisa: You're gonna discuss what tomorrow?
John: Oh. Well, I w-I was- Well, baby, why don't we just pick it up where we left off.
Lisa: Baby?
John: Hmm?
Lisa: Why don't you sleep on the couch?
Archie: W-Wait, what'd she say, Doc?
John: She said she loves me so much, I get to sleep on the couch.
Archie: You're the man!
John: Yes, I'm the man. I'm the man on the couch. [clears throat]
John: [snoring] [snoring continues]
Pepito: Psst. Hey, Doc. Homey is on the move. His hormones are raging.
John: [continues snoring]
Pepito: There he goes!
John: Hold it.
Eric: [groans] I was only going to the bathroom. [groans]
John: You can hold it. I know that trick.
Archie: [chuckling] Hey, baby!
Ava: Hi. What's wrong with your voice?
Archie: [imitating Dolittle] You're looking mighty fine. So why don't you plant some of that sugar over here on my-on Archie. ♪ Truly ♪♪
Ava: [laughing] Oh, no.
Archie: Is that our song? [creaking] Whoa! [thud] Ow! Hard ground! Back!
Ava: You should maybe learn how to climb trees. Truly.
Archie: That's a bruise!
John: Hey, come on out of there, Archie.
Archie: Never!
John: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Archie: It was the most humiliating thing I've ever done, and I once rode a unicycle in a tutu! A tutu!
John: Okay, I understand, but we can fix this. We just have to work harder.
Archie: Nope, I'm just gonna stay here and hibernate.
Joey: Tell him to stay in there. We're making our own bear suit.
John: No, Archie's fine.
Joey: Good, 'cause we were wondering, would it be all right if every animal in the whole forest stays with you next week?
John: Alright, Archie. I'm not playing anymore. You come out here right now, you big coward!
Archie: Uh, excuse me, who are you calling a coward?
John: You. I'm calling you a coward. You're a big coward for quitting like this!
Archie: Well, it's hard.
John: You wanna know what "hard" is, Archie? My wife is mad at me, my daughter's mad at me, and I'm spending my vacation with a pizza boy, who greets me by saying "Hey yo, Dr. D, what's up?" Now, I'm standing here listening to a big, furry baby crying, telling me he wants to quit, 'cause it's too hard!
Archie: [whines] Well, Ava laughed at me!
John: [mocking Archie] "Oh, boo-hoo! Ava laughed at me! I love her, and I need her, and she laughed at me!" You know something, you don't even deserve Ava! Why should Ava have to spend her life with a [pokes him] coward like you?
Archie: Hey. Don't poke the bear, buddy.
John: Oh, I didn't poke a bear, because if I poked a bear, a bear would be mauling me. So, I dunno what I poked, but it sure ain't no bear! [pokes him again]
Archie: Hey, I'm warning you!
John: [pokes him again] Yeah, and I'm POKING you!
Archie: Hey, stop it!
John: [pokes him three times] All right, poke, poke, poke!
Archie: All right, that's it!! [pushes John over the edge]
John: Aaah!
[he falls off and lands his back in the mud.]
John: Archie, that hurt.
Archie: Whoa, that felt good. Bear-like.
John: Hey, Archie, you know what? You're beyond my help! You just take your back to the circus!
Archie: A bear? Whoo-hoo! I'm a bear! I'm the alpha bear! Rawr! RAAWWRRR! Uh, bears say "grr," right?
Lisa: What happened to you?
John: Archie. I- You know what-
Lisa: Potter called. He wants to make a deal. Just listen to what he has to say.
Archie: [French accent] For you, madame.
Ava: Thanks.
Archie: So does Sonny bring you fish?
Ava: No. Not a fish. Usually about a hundred.
Archie: A hundred? Wait. No. He can't carry that many. Okay, but does Sonny tell you that you have... the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen? Does he promise to fill your life with love, poetry, laughs?
Ava: No. No. Mostly he just asks me when I think I'll be in heat.
Archie: [chuckles] Prince Charming, huh?
Ava: Yeah.
Archie: [chuckles] So when is-when is that?
Ava: [giggles] Do you want to go for a walk?
Archie: With you or alone?
Ava: With me.
Archie: Okay. [chuckles]
Ava: [giggles]
Archie: This isn't a walk. We're running. Why do we always have to run?
Lucky: [narrating] Yep, there was love in the air.
Lucky: Be the man. Be the man. Be... the... man. Hey. Now, you listen to me. Yeah, that's right. You're in my house now.
Wolf: Hmm?
Lucky: Yeah, my house. Also my house. All of these are my houses. Hey, you're a lucky girl, you know that? Yeah. You're the lucky one, not me. You. [chuckles] Hey. You want to go out with me tonight? Would that be good?
White Wolf: Hey, wait a minute. What do you think you're doing?
Lucky: Who-Who-Who, me? No. I'm not doing anything. I'm just, you know, assuming the position.
White Wolf: Hey. You marked my tree.
Lucky: Oh, no. I would never do that. I would never mark-- mark your tree. I don't even know what those words mean. I drank a lot of water. I'll tell you something about water. It goes right through me.
White Wolf: Come on. It smells like lemonade.
Lucky: Oh. Yeah. Oh, I see your point. Yeah, yours is... very, very strong. It's like-like ammonia. I'm actually getting dizzy, to tell you the truth.
White Wolf: Come on. Let's beat it. We're leaving.
Lucky: You two are going, huh? Have fun. You two are going, huh? Have fun. Have fun. You make a very handsome couple. [chuckles] God, I hate myself.
Bees: [buzzing]
Archie: Wow.
Ava: Yeah. Bears have died trying to reach that hive.
Archie: Well, if you want it, you got it.
Ava: Oh, please. Don't even think about it. That's not funny.
Archie: No. I'm gonna go get it for you.
Ava: Archie, I'm serious. Don't. it's too dangerous. Promise me.
Archie: Okay. Okay. I like you, Ava.
Ava: I like you too, Archie.
Sonny: What are you girls doing over here?
Ava: Sonny, don't.
Sonny: Beat it, circus boy.
Ava: Sonny...
Sonny: Oh, you keep your yap shut.
Archie: [chuckles] Your charm is matched only by your odor.
Sonny: And what does that mean?
Archie: You're a malodorous ignoramus. It's nothing, really.
Sonny: What's he saying? I'm confused. And I don't like being confused.
Ava: Yeah, he really doesn't.
Archie: Really? Well, you'd think he'd get used to it, huh?
Sonny: Let's go, Ava. Trying to confuse me. [mumbling]
Archie: Ava, don't go. Look, maybe you can do better than me, but don't do worse. I thought you liked me.
Ava: Of course I do.
Sonny: Come on, Ava.
Ava: But you'll always be a city bear. And I need more than that.
Archie: City bear. [sighs] Great.
Joe Potter: Should we, uh, put all our cards on the table?
Jack Riley: Of course.
Joe Potter: This bear you brought up here has as much likelihood of making... little bear babies as Riley here. Ain't-a-gonna happen. But, on the other hand, thanks to you, I'm not exactly drowning in favorable publicity. So, here's my offer. I will set aside ten acres, turn it into a sanctuary. You can bring all your little animal buddies there. Plus, you'll be saving face. You won't have to admit you failed. You don't look like a fool.
John: Look, ten acres is ridiculous.
Joe Potter: That's the offer.
Jack Riley: The deadline is Wednesday at 12:00 noon. Let me be clear. At 12:01, we'll be sending in every logger, every piece of logging equipment we've got. By Friday, there won't be a tree standing.
John: [sighs] I need to run this by my wife.
Jack Riley: Excellent idea. There's a pay phone in the back.
John: Excuse me.
Jack Riley: Calling the wife. Always a sign of weakness.
Joe Potter: Yeah.
Archie: Whoo-hoo, woo, woo. Hey, Johnny.
John: What are you doing?
Archie: Doc, I know what to do. I've got my big finish.
John: Look. Come in here. Quick.
Archie: All right. Hey, I don't think I'm allowed in here.
John: Okay, listen. I got to tell you. This thing is over.
Archie: I'm just sorry I dragged you into all this.
John: I'm going to have to get you an audition in Vegas or something. These guys offered me a deal, and it's the best I can do.
Archie: No, no, no. The best you can do is not give up on me, Doc. Come on. You told me, "Listen to your inner bear." Remember?
John: I don't know, Archie.
Archie: Look, I know how I can win Ava.
John: Okay. I know I'm nuts or something. I'm gonna give it another shot. I'll give you one more chance.
Archie: Yes! Yes!
John: Okay, let me get over...
Archie: Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
John: What do you mean "uh-oh?"
Archie: Ice cream's acting up.
John: What ice cream?
Archie: After Sonny took Ava, I got depressed, and went on a bender. And on the second gallon, I realize, that I'm in love with Ava, and this ice cream called "Cherry Garcia". [belches]
John: Hey, don't you dare throw up on me!
Archie: [groans] That's not where it's gonna come out! [groans]
John: Wait, wait, wait, hold on! If you have to do that, then sit on the toilet!
Archie: I can't hold it!
John: Wait! You gotta lift the lid up first.
Archie: This is not going to be big enough! Oh, boy!
John: You'll be fine. Just sit there. I'm gonna keep guard outside.
Archie: I don't think it's...
John: Take care of what you got to take care. Hey. I'll be with you in one second. I'm gonna take care of business.
Jack Riley: Who you talking to in there?
John: I'm talking to myself. I was- Sometimes you got to coax it down.
Jack Riley: Right.
John: Give my sphincter a little pep talk. Excuse me. Come on down, you.
Archie: Oh, my G...
John: I gotta stay in here with you. Let me get the window open. Don't do nothing till I get the window open.
Archie: Uh-oh!
John: The window only opens a little bit. That's not going to be enough.
Archie: [breaking wind]
John: Oh, hey, hey! You're doing it, aren't you? Wow!
Archie: Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Breaking Wind]
John: It's worse than I imagined.
Archie: [breaking wind] Whoo! [breaking wind]
John: Ohh! Ohh! Oh, Archie! You just had ice cream? That's not just ice cream. Oh, Archie!
Archie: [breaks wind] Oh, it ain't that bad. Come on. Whoo!
[toilet flushing]
John: Gentlemen, uh, no deal. Thanks for your time.
Seeing-Eye Dog: [sniffs] [snores] Hmm! Is that me?
Maya: Can you hear me?
Pepito: Stop staring at me. You're giving me a complex. I'm trying to blend.
Maya: Well, if you can hear me, can you change to the color of this table...
Charisse: What do you think you're doing?
Maya: I think he understands me.
Charisse: Well, if he understood me, I'd tell him how sick I am of all these stupid animals.
Pepito: [gasps] Oh, that really hurt. If you could understand me, I'd tell you to do something about your dandruff flakes. It's looking like Christmas in July.
Charisse: I hate this place.
Pepito: So young. So angry. Damn that rap music.
Lisa: Hey.
John: Hey.
Lisa: So how'd it go?
John: Well, I told Potter no deal.
Lisa: I thought it wasn't working with Archie.
John: Archie thinks he can win Ava over. I'm gonna see this through.
Charisse: So that means we're stuck here? Oh!
Lisa: Charisse.
John: Hey, Charisse. Hey. Charisse. Hey, it's a long walk back to the city. Hey, we're not getting along too good, are we?
Charisse: I wanna go home.
John: I wanna go home too. We're going home. But there's something else that's bothering you, isn't it? I'm not saying it's all your fault. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's a phase you're going through. But something's bothering you. Your mother thinks you got a problem, and you're not telling us about it.
Charisse: No.
John: You sure? There's nothing bothering you?
Charisse: I'm sure.
John: Charisse.
Charisse: I'm sure.
John: Charisse.
Charisse: I'm fine, Dad.
John: Okay, now. I'm not saying you have a problem, but if you do we always work things out. Right?
Charisse: Right.
John: You're cool?
Charisse: Cool.
John: All right. 'Cause your mother was a little worried. And I was starting-
Charisse: Tell her I'm fine.
John: Okay. Okay. Yeah.
Charisse: Dad?
John: Yes? Yes? I knew something was bothering you. What is it? Come on, talk to me. You know, daddy to daughter. Break it down. You can cry, whatever. We can cry together, if that's- What is it?
Charisse: Nothing.
John: Stop.
Charisse: It must be the mountains messing me up, 'cause I'm fine.
John: You sure you're all right?
Charisse: Mm-hmm. [giggles]
John: She's all right! You have your little space. I'll be in the house.
Charisse: All right.
John: Okay.
Archie: Talking time's done. It's time to be bold for Ava.
Hawk: He's going after the hive! He's going after the hive!
Owl: Who?
Porcupine: Archie.
Owl: Who?
Joey: Archie, you idiot. Jeez!
Archie: Boy, this cliff's a lot higher than I remember.
Jack Riley: Bye-bye, species.
John: So this is your big plan? Archie, you get back here right now! Come back in!
Archie: No way, Doc. I'm gonna do this or die trying.
Possum: That bear is one bad mother.
John: Archie, what are you doing? Archie, you get back in here right now. Stop playing!
Archie: I don't think I'm gonna win Ava by eating a bunch of worms. I'm never gonna be more woodsy than Sonny. I have to show her how much she means to me.
John: Yeah, and if you fall, it's gonna prove that you're stupid and dead, Archie.
Sonny: What's going on around here? Oh, circus boy's got a new trick.
Ava: Quiet, Sonny.
Archie: Okay, I got it. I got it.
God Beaver: That log ain't gonna hold him. And I know logs.
[log creaking]
Archie: Okay! Ohh!
John: Don't move, Archie! Don't move!
Ava: Careful! Careful!
Joey: I'll buy you the honey.
Archie: Ooh! Ooh!
John: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Jack Riley: Break! Break!
Archie: This is not a good idea.
Ava: Archie, get down!
Archie: I'm fine. Oh, bees!
Bess: [buzzing]
John: What's happening? Hold still! I'll try to talk to them. Work something out. Don't you move.
Archie: They're stinging me! No, no!
John: Uh, guys, uh-
Bess: [buzzing]
Archie: I can't see! Ooh! They're stinging! Get away from me!
Bees: Attack!
John: No, no, no! No attack! Hey! Stop!
Bee: Defend the hive!
John: Ow! Hey, Archie!
Bee: Get the little guy!
Bee: [yelling]
Jack Riley: [gasps]
Bee: Protect the hive! Attack!
Bee: Attack!
Bee: Banzai! Banzai!
John: Archie! Archie! Hey, Archie! Hey! [grunting]
Archie: [yelling]
Ava: Archie!
John: Archie, get back in here!
Sonny: Jump, circus boy!
Ava: Go suck a salmon!
Archie: Ava, I did it for you!
Joey: Good job, Archie! Way to go, Archie! All right!
Squirrel: Yeah! He did it!
Porcupine: Woo! Woo! Woo!
Possum: Yeah.
God Beaver: That kid's got moxie. I love him.
John: Okay. Okay, what's the matter with you, huh? What'd you do something like that for, huh? Are you crazy?
Sonny: I could have got that hive if I wanted it. Come on, Ava, before I get mad.
Ava: Sonny, we're not working out. So, take a hike.
Ava: Honey?
Archie: Yeah, babe, what's up?
Ava: No. I meant, would you like more honey?
Archie: Oh, no. I'm good.
Ava: Okay.
Archie: So, ready to talk about preserving the species?
Ava: Well, we could talk. Or you could count to a hundred and come and get me.
Archie: Okay. Counting, great. Um, one, two...
Ava [giggling]
Archie: One, two, three-
Ava: Impressive. He's really counting.
Archie: Come on, focus, focus. Uh, one-
Ava: Maybe I should stay in the open.
Archie: One, two, ten, G, H, P, green, orange, fish.
Ava: Pace yourself. Not so fast.
Archie: Uh, one, two, three, ten... Uh, five-teen. Okay, 100. Ow! What the-Nap. [thud]
Maya: Daddy?
John: Hey.
Maya: Daddy's back.
Lisa: What is it? What happened?
John: It's Archie.
Man: Back up, back up.
Eugene: Okay, folks, let's move it back now. We got a wild animal, coming through. Wild animal, coming through. I know you've all seen the show When Animals Attack. Have you seen When Animals Wake Up and Attack? Now, there's nothing more dangerous... than a half-sedated, half-unsedated bear. They have big, sharp teeth and claws-
John: Excuse me. I'm Dr. Dolittle. What happened in here?
Eugene: Well, he broke down the back door, and we found him ransacking the kitchen.
John: No.
Eugene: I'm sorry, Dr. Dolittle. I was rooting for you. All right, let's move it out! Show's over! Let's go!
John: Hey, Archie, it's me. What happened?
Archie: [groggy] Hey. I was so close, Doc. They came out of nowhere. And I... Are you ready to save the forest? [mumbles]
Jack Riley: The good news is, we're setting aside ten acres of forest. We're calling it the Dr. Dolittle Wildlife Sanctuary. We're very pleased about that. Ah, speak of the devil.
Man: Can we ask you a few questions?
John: You think you won this thing, but you haven't.
Jack Riley: Fine. We'll just level your forest and call it a tie. Thanks very much, folks. That's it for today. Thank you.
Reporters: [shouting questions]
John: If only I had an eyewitness. Did anybody see what happened?
God Beaver: Yeah. We got one problem. He's a frigging weasel.
John: Oh, really. What'd he do?
God Beaver: I mean he's an actual frigging weasel. Hey, weasel, the doctor's here.
Lennie: Okay, you know what, that's Mr. Weasel.
John: Mr. Weasel, did you see what happened to the bear?
Lennie: Ooh, the big scary bear. Did I see what happened-
John: Did you see anything or not?
Lennie: Okay, here's the deal. Give me that shiny wristwatch of yours, and I'll tell you what you need to know.
John: You're such a weasel.
Lennie: Oh, thank you.
John: Potter's people set Archie up. I got a witness.
Lisa: An animal? You can't offer that into evidence.
John: Well, you got any better ideas?
Lisa: Well, I-I'll stall for time. Maybe we'll get a private investigator.
John: Those trucks are ready to roll. They're taking Archie to a zoo in Mexico.
Lisa: John, if you go on the witness stand, Riley is gonna tear you to shreds.
John: Well, what do I have to lose?
Lisa: Your reputation.
John: Look, I don't care. I'm not giving up on those animals this easy. Not without a fight. Excuse me.
Lisa: [sighs]
Lisa: Your Honor, we admit it was a setback. But we would like one more week to rehabilitate the bear.
Jack Riley: Might I suggest perhaps counsel would like to, uh, admit the animal into the Betty Ford clinic.
Spectators: [laughing]
Jack Riley: Or the Yogi Bear clinic.
Lisa: What if I could prove the entire thing was a setup?
Judge B. Duff: That would be a very serious allegation. Do you intend to present evidence?
Lisa: We have an eyewitness.
John: Your Honor, can I address the court, just for a minute?
Judge B. Duff: Go ahead.
John: Sir, we have an eyewitness who'll testify that they heard a gunshot, then they saw a truck backing up to the area where the shot was fired.
Judge B. Duff: Is that witness in the courtroom?
John: No. Not in the courtroom with us, because, um, he's, uh- He's a weasel.
Spectators: [laughing]
[gavel pounding]
Spectators: [laughing continues]
Judge B. Duff: Order!
John: Your Honor, I know this-this seems very unreasonable. But I can talk to animals. One of them did come forward with this information.
Jack Riley: Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I have no problem allowing Dr. Dolittle or counsel the opportunity to question the eyewitness. I would just ask for a brief recess so that I have opportunity to get a camera. I'd like a snapshot of the animal being sworn in.
Spectators: [laughing]
Judge B. Duff: That's enough!
Jack Riley: Does the weasel need immunity? We could provide animal protection program.
Spectators: [laughing continues]
[gavel pounding]
Judge B. Duff: That's enough. I will not allow you to make a mockery of my courtroom. The deadline has passed. Motion to extend denied.
Jack Riley: That's a shame. You hate to see it.
Joe Potter: [laughing]
Reporter #1: Uh, Dr. Dolittle, will you appeal?
Reporter #2: Is this the end of the line?
Reporter #1: Dr. Dolittle, can you tell us what the weasel said?
Archie: Hey. Hey, Doc. Okay. Come to get me out?
John: Sort of.
Archie: Sort of? What do you mean, sort of?
John: I couldn't really prove your story, Archie. So they, um...
Archie: What? They wh-what? They what?
John: They think you're too dangerous to be set free, so- [Inhales]
Archie: Yeah? What?
John: [exhales] They sold you to a Mexican circus.
Archie: Ai, Chihuahua.
John: Archie, I am- I'm so sorry.
Archie: For what?
John: For everything. Dragging you out here and putting you through all this stuff. Giving you hope. I feel like I ruined your life.
Archie: Ruined my life? Doc, you gave me a life. You're the one who taught me about love. And no one can ever take that away from me.
John: Hey, Charisse. What are you doing down here?
Charisse: Mom wanted me to tell you that her motion for an appeal has been denied.
John: Well, we knew it was a long shot anyway. So, Archie, at least you'll be back in show business.
Archie: Ehh, that's not what I want anymore. I just want Ava.
John: I know you want Ava.
[During Archie's detention, as John and Charisse visit him.]
Archie: Looks like I wasn't meant to be loved.
Charisse: Everyone's meant to be loved.
John: That's right. Everyone's meant to- [caught by surprise at Charisse's newfound ability] Charisse. Oh, my God! Charisse, since when?
Charisse: A couple of weeks now. At first, it was kind of fuzzy. But, uh, now it's really clear.
John: And this is what you've been keeping from us, right?
Charisse: I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to become a freak.
John: You're not going to become a freak. Not at all. Hey, look. When it started happening to me, I got scared too. You're just looking at it the wrong way. This is a good thing.
Charisse: How?
John: Look at all the good that's come out of it already.
Charisse: What good?
John: Well, look at us, like this, huh? How about this, huh? Mm.
Archie: Hey, guys. Now I know what I've been missing. A family. I guess that's something I'll never have.
Charisse: Dad, you got to help him. Isn't there something that we can do? And it's not just him. It's all the animals. There's so many of 'em.
John: Yeah, there are so many of 'em.
Forest Animals: [chattering]
John: You guys have given up, haven't you?
God Beaver: Hey, what am I gonna do? I'm six years old. I'm not a young beaver no more. Besides, we've been living in this forest how long?
Joey: About a hundred years we've been shaking down this forest, boss.
God Beaver: So we had a good run.
John: Look, I tried to do this by myself, but I can't. So if you guys want to save your homes, you're gonna have to help me. And whether or not you believe it, you guys have enormous untapped power.
Drunk Monkey: [blows raspberry]
John: When people talk about the best of the best, it's always an animal expression. You got a heart like a lion. Or he's as strong as an ox. He's got eyes like an eagle. Or he can move swift like a gazelle. Or you stink like a skunk.
Skunk: What?
John: Sorry about that, man. I'm trying to make my point. What I'm trying to say is, we can do this! We can do it! Just don't give up without a fight!
God Beaver: Let the word go out from Sicily to SeaWorld. The trucks don't move! Capisce?
John: Yeah! All right!
Forest Animals: The beaver's right! Got it! [cheering]
John: Yeah! Yeah!
[horn honks]
Logger: Hey, kids! I'm gonna have to ask you to move!
Charisse: No!
Logger: No? Listen, don't start with me.
Charisse: Everybody, take your positions!
Wolves: [growling, barking]
White Wolf: Hasta la vista, baby.
Logger: Shoot! Roll 'em up!
Wolves: [growling, barking continues]
Cow Worker #2: I ain't never seen nothing like this before.
Cow Worker #1: None of 'em have any milk.
Cow Worker #2: What?
Cow Worker #1: All of 'em are dry.
Cow Worker #2: What's wrong, Annabelle?
Annabelle: Strike! Strike!
All: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Hen: Here's your eggs! You want 'em scrambled?
Hens: Strike! Strike! Strike!
Man: Okay. Let's go get the Frisbee. Come on, go get it!
Man: D'oh!
Dalmatian: Strike! Strike! Strike!
Man: Give me-Give me- Give me that leash!
Dog: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Boy: Oh, no!
♪♪ [Blues]
Pigeon: Hey, Archie. All the animals are working together. You'll be out of here in no time.
Joe Potter: It's ridiculous. Animals can't organize.
Jack Riley: You may want to take a look at this for yourself then.
Man on TV: All over the world, animals have organized. They're striking in Paris, Texas, in Paris, France, in Brooklyn, in Mexico and in Canada.
Jack Riley: I'm sure I'm going to regret this in the morning, but maybe you should talk with Dolittle.
Joe Potter: And what? Give in to a bunch of beasts and lower life-forms? I took on the Democrats. I can take on a bunch of animals.
Mouse: [squeaking]
Mouse: Charge!
Joe Potter: Oh, no!
Mouse: [squeaking]
Jack Riley: [gasps]
Joe Potter: Go on!
Mouse: Look out!
Mouse: Watch it!
Joe Potter: Beat it. Ha!
Mouse: Retreat!
Joe Potter: Go on!
Mouse: Medic!
Joe Potter: Organized.
Male Pigeon #1: We have two bogeys, bearing Alpha Tango Niner.
Bird: [cawing]
Male Pigeon #2: We are locked on targets.
Joe Potter: Do you hear something?
Male Pigeon #1: Commence bombing!
Bird: [cawing]
Male Pigeon #2: Roger that, sir.
Male Pigeon #1: Well done, men! I got your wing, man! The party ain't over yet!
Wolf: [growling]
Jack Riley: Sir?
Joe Potter: Don't make any sudden moves.
Jack Riley: Gotcha.
Wolf: [growling, barking]
Joe Potter: [yelling]
Male Pigeon #1: Attack! Back 'em up! Poop's away! Firing number two! Let's return to base and reload.
Jack Riley: Sir, you, uh, you-you've locked the, uh-
Joe Potter: What?
Jack Riley: You've locked the door, sir!
Joe Potter: What?
Jack Riley: You might want to-- Sir!
Joe Potter: I think you should run. Run!
Jack Riley: I'm an attorney. I'm not with him.
Bee: There he is again! Get the little guy! Banzai!
Jack Riley: Not the face!
Joe Potter: [chuckling, gasps]
Archie: [roars]
Joe Potter: No, please! No, no. I'm sure we can work something out. I'm just reaching for my phone. I'm gonna call Dr. Dolittle.
Joey: Whoa, whoa. No sudden movements, or I'm gonna bite you in the cannolis
Joe Potter: Uh, hello. The number for Dr. John Dolittle, please. Not Stuart Little. Dolittle.
[phone rings]
John: Dolittle. Oh, Mr. Potter. How are you, sir?
Joe Potter: Oh, I could be better. I'm here with a couple of your friends.
John: I know you can't possibly believe that animals are organizing.
Joe Potter: Uh, well, you know, I don't know what to think anymore.
John: Tell you what. Let's put our cards on the table. I will be more than happy to set up a meeting between you and these animals... so you can work out your problem.
Joe Potter: What?
John: Hey, look. it's the only way you're gonna be able to save face. You won't have to admit you were wrong, and you can get out without looking like an idiot.
Joe Potter: Okay, okay. Look, anything. Just-Just call them off.
John: Okay. All right, listen, put the raccoon on the phone.
Joe Potter: He wants to speak to you. Make it short.
Joey: [clears throat] Hello. Yeah. No, no. I got it under control. Hey, we'll call youse back.
John: All right. First off, let me say that I'm here only as a mediator. And these negotiations will be between Mr. Potter... and the representatives of the United Animals of the Forest, local 534.
Possum: Yeah. Let's come to order.
Joe Potter: This is my new proposal.
John: All right.
Joey: What's the stipulations, Doc? What kind of territory are we looking at?
John: It's only, uh, 12 acres here. It's 12 acres.
Joey: I got your 12 acres right here, pal.
Joe Potter: Hey, they like it.
Joey: I'll give you something you like. Like this. [urinating]
John: I think that's a "no." Or "hell no," maybe.
Lucky: [narrating] Meanwhile, the strike kept growing. Even the pros were getting in on the act.
Man on P.A.: The last few runners left to load now for one of the biggest spectacles of the year: It's Derby time. Last horse is in. Gate's closed. And away they go!
Horses: Hell, no! We won't go! Hell, no! We won't go! Hell, no! We won't go!
Horse Jockey: Run your own stupid race!
Horse: You try running a mile. Don't even think about reaching for that whip, shorty.
Shamu Trainer: Ladies and gentlemen, Shamu!
Audience: [cheering, applause]
Shamu Trainer: This is Shamu!
Audience: [muttering]
Shamu: Nah. I don't feel like jumping through any hoops today. Any of you guys?
Killer Whale #1: Uh-uh.
Killer Whale #2: No, no. Not today. I just ate. Uh-uh.
John: Mr. Potter, I hope we have a deal now.
Possum: All right!
Joey: Yeah! Good job. Taught him everything he knows.
Drunk Monkey: Vive le bear! Vive le Archie! Vive le docteur! [hiccups]
Archie: Come on, give me a bear hug. Come on!
John: Oh, no. Absolutely not, Archie.
Archie: You're not leaving here until you get a bear hug.
John: All right, give me a hug then. just a little one.
Archie: Come on.
John: Okay. All right. That's good. Archie-- [gagging] Archie! Archie, you're crushing my spine. [gasping] Archie!
Squirrel: Bye-bye. Drive safe now. Buckle up.
John: Hey, Archie, you in there?
Archie: What? Hey, Doc.
John: Man, I just stopped by to say so long.
Archie: Oh. Thanks. For everything.
John: You are quite welcome.
Ava: Archie, I'm ready.
Archie: She's in heat. Excuse me, Doc. I got to go save the species. [chuckles]
John: Oh. Go do your thing, Archie. Yeah, Archie. Archie! [chuckles] Oh, Archie.
Lucky: [narrating] Yeah, it was quite a summer.
Lucky: Hey, Doc.
John: Hey, Lucky. What are you doing?
Lucky: What am I doing? Hmm. Let me phrase it this way. [clears throat, howling]
Wolf: [howling continues]
John: You too, huh?
Lucky: [narrating] And Charisse and the Doc were closer than ever.
Charisse: Oh, come on. Cheer up, Pepito. You'll get it eventually.
Pepito: No, I won't. I will never blend in. I have a broken blender.
Charisse: You will blend in. Trust me. You will blend in.
Pepito: How? How will Pepito ever blend in? Pepito sucks. [gasps] Look at me! I'm blending in! I'm invisible!
John: That's right. You're invisible. Great job, honey.
Pepito: Did you ever doubt me? The blendmaster is back.
John: How about that?
Pepito: I am king of the third world. Hey, can we do the whole house like this? Is very feng shui.
Lucky: [narrating] But the best news of all came the following spring.
Boy Bear Cub: No, you don't know what you're talking about.
Archie: Kids, come on- Hey! Ooh! Over here! Kids! Whoo-hoo! Over here! Okay. Now, it's step, step, turn, kick, step.
Girl Bear Cub: Papa, I thought it was step, kick, turn, step, step.
Archie: Come on, kids. We open in six weeks.
Ava: I thought you retired.
Archie: Oh. [chuckles] I did, honey. We're just playing. Okay, now from the chorus. Five, six, seven, eight...
All: ♪ I will survive I will survive ♪ ♪ For as long as I know how to love ♪ ♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪
Archie: ♪ I've got all my life to live ♪ ♪ I've got all my love to give ♪ ♪ And I'll survive I will survive ♪ ♪ Hey, yeah ♪♪
[fades]
[last lines]
Pepito: Hey, come on. This is the most boring party I've ever been to. You guys are so stiff, so plastic. Come on, let's move! Let's conga. Hey, baby, are those real? Come on, let's get this party started. Let's go! Ooy! Ooy! Party over here, party over there! Raise the roof. The roof is on fire.
[blender whirring]
Pepito: Can you see me now? I bet you can't. I'm invisible. Can you see me?
Drunk Monkey: Of course. I see both of you. [laughs, hiccups] ♪ There's a place in France ♪ ♪ Where the naked monkeys dance ♪ [hiccups]

Taglines

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  • Dolittle is back.
  • The doctor is in again.
  • The doctor makes house calls.
  • The doctor is back!

Cast

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Animal voice talent

[edit]
[edit]
Wikipedia
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