Drew Carey's Green Screen Show

Drew Carey's Green Screen Show is an improvisational comedy show that aired on the WB Network in 2005 (and later Comedy Central), and was somewhat of a follow-up to Drew Carey's former show, Whose Line Is It Anyway? The show's performers (including Drew) do all their improv in front of a green screen, and then the footage is sent to animators who add animation in so that the people at home see the finished product, whereas the live audience at the tapings only see the green screen. Music and sound effects (except during the game "Sound Effects") are also inserted in post-production.

Games played were similar to Whose Line? but with obvious differences, and no musical games were performed. Performers in addition to Carey include Brad Sherwood, Colin Mochrie, Jeff Davis, and Greg Proops as regulars, and rotating performers include Kathy Kinney, Chip Esten, Julie Larson, Sean Masterson, and Jonathan Mangum. Ryan Stiles appeared at the taping for the pilot (with Kaitlyn Olson) but not the series.

Hollywood Moment

Toaster

<Scenery is a modern kitchen in monochrome.>

Drew: Marjorie!

Julie: Yes, Dale?

Drew: Where's my breakfast?

Julie: I don't know what kind of toast you want.

Drew: I have to get to work. You know I work ten hours a day at the company, and look at this place, it's a mess! My breakfast isn't on the table...

Julie: You are like a broken record, not a top ten hit either!

Drew: Ah, I know you love me! <puts his hands on Julie's shoulders> I know you love me by the fire in your eyes...

Jeff: Hollywood Moment!

Drew: <exaggerating> The FIRE in your eyes, your body so tender and waaaarm! I just wish I wasn't mentally ill!

<Orchestral sting. Scenery changes to a mental institution in color with a blue-tint.>

Julie: ...As do I. <Pause as audience laugh. Julie walks over to the oven> Let me finish your eggs, I'll bring them right over...

Jeff: Hollywood Egg Moment!

<scenery changes to another modern kitchen in full color.>

Julie: <Tearfully> The last time you held me... was at least six months ago!

Drew: That was the last time you were worth holding! <Orchestral sting. Some audience members boo.>

Colin: <Enters> Excuse me for barging in...

Jeff: Hollywood Moment! <Audience laughs.>

Colin: <English accent> I'm a wandering toaster.. fixer-upper. <Scenery changes to a 1920s London street in sepia tone. A light shines on Colin's head> London, 1925, my parents died three weeks before I was born. <pause as audience laugh> Getting work pre-natally was very difficult. I didn't know where to turn, so I started to drink. I love toasters. Don't know why, never seen them before. Perhaps that's because that's how my parents died, they fell into the World's Largest Toaster at the London's Fair! <Orchestral sting. Drew and Julie act shocked> THEY HAD IMMEDIATELY...... Pff.. I have to go! <Turns to leave before being stopped by Julie. Drew pours himself a coffee>

Julie: Wait! Before you go... here's a knife. <Hands a knife to Colin> Fix our toaster.

Colin: Yes, all right.

Julie: I think it's unplugged.

Colin: No, I like it better plugged in...

Jeff: Hollywood Moment!

Colin: ...because I like the danger! <Scenery changes to a grimy basement in full color.> I don't care! <accidentally slashes his own wrist!> Ooh, that hurt! I didn't want... I meant to miss! <Julie ties a bandage round Colin's wrist. Colin looks at Julie> My God, you're beautiful! What are you doing with that lummox?

Jeff: All three people, Hollywood Moment!

<Scenery changes to a medieval castle room with fireplace in color with a blue-tint.>

Drew: WHY!? <Throws hot coffee onto Julie>

Julie: AAAH! <Dies.>

Colin: <In shock> Why...? The only woman I ever loved! <Cuts himself open with the knife, reveals his upper body organs, takes out his intestine, plays jump-rope with them, puts them back in, sews himself up and shakes an intestine angrily at Drew.>

Drew: I know you're cut open, I know my wife is dead, but what about my toaster?

Colin: You ARE the toaster!

Drew: Go-go-ga-joob!

Brad: <Enters, carrying a scythe.> I am Death. I have come for... two of you. <Points at Julie> One... I know I'm taking that one. <Drew and Colin start stretching and dancing. Julie gets up and hovers behind Brad like a zombie> I'm going to see which one of you is worth sparing!

Drew: <Doing star jumps> Oh, I've got my whole life ahead of me. Look how young I am... comparatively!

Brad: Give me a reason why you should live. First, you with the Menudo hair! <Audience laughs and applauds>

Drew: Well, it's like this... Sometimes, I'm mentally ill...

Jeff: Hollywood Moment!

Drew: <Leans on Brad> And I live my life with Beatles songs in the background...

Brad: Let go of the Reaper! <pulls himself away from Drew>

Drew: <exaggerating> And... I... LOVE my family! I love my house! I love... <wheeze> my... <pant, wheeze> life. <Cough. Orchestral sting.>

Colin: Oh for God's sake, kill him! <audience laughs>

Brad: This is going to be easier than I thought! All right...

Jeff: For Death, a Broadway Moment!

<Broadway-style music starts. Scenery changes to a Broadway-style stage in color with a pink-tint. Drew, Julie and Colin dance like zombies in the background.>

Brad: <singing, while dancing> I've got to take a couple of souls,

I've got to take a couple of souls

I gotta take a couple of soouls! <music increases tempo>

I gotta take a couple souls, take a couple souls

Take a couple souls, I lose control!

I gotta taaaaake a... <Stops singing and exits>

<scene ends>

One-Syllable Word

Boot Camp

Colin: I will make you a man!

Brad: Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

Colin: Give me ten! Twice! <audience cracks up>

Brad: Sir, yes sir! I would, sir, but I have a bad leg, sir!

Colin: What is your name?

Brad: My name is...Tim...Franks!

Colin: Ain't that nice? You are going to be a man...

<audience imitates buzzer, Colin exits as Jeff enters>

Jeff: What rank are you?

Brad: First class...

Jeff: First class what?

Brad: First class...PFC!

<audience laughs while Drew laughs even more hysterically>

Jeff: And what does that stand for?

Brad: I'm not sure, sir! I don't know! I did not read the book, sir! I'm not too smart, sir!

Jeff: You did not read the book? Why do you think we gave you the book if you were not going to read it?

<audience imitates buzzer, Jeff realizes what he did and walks off as Brad starts to say, "If I could read...", Greg walks in>

Greg: What state are you from?

Brad: Maine, sir!

Greg: Maine?!

Brad: Maine, sir!

Greg: Two things come from Maine!

Brad: What, sir?

Greg: Ducks and cows! Drop!

<Brad promptly drops to the floor>

Brad: Yes, sir!

Greg: Do many...aaah!

<audiences imitates buzzer, Greg walks off very slowly as Drew walks on; meanwhile, Brad is doing push-ups>

Brad: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. <jumps up> I'm done, sir!

Drew: Did I say you were done? Are you tired yet?

Brad: I'm tired, sir!

<audience imitates buzzer, Drew turns in shock, audience explains the word "tired," Drew walks off in disgust as Sean enters and audience cracks up at Drew's reaction to why he got buzzed out>

Sean: Stand on one leg! <Brad stands on one leg> Look to the sky!

<Brad looks up>

Brad: Yes, sir! I look to the sky, sir! What should I see in the sky, sir?

Sean: Can you see a bird?

Brad: I see a bird, sir!

Sean: Can you see a plane?

Brad: I see a plane, sir! Is tired really a two-syllable word, sir?

<audience laughs before imitating buzzer, Brad walks off as Jonathan enters>

Jonathan: I go in tank now, sir! <hops in tank>

Sean: Come back here!

Jonathan: You want...ride?

Sean: Did you hit your head hard?

Jonathan: Yep! <exits tank> Look, sir. I need some love!

Sean: <in shock> Are you a machine?!

<audience imitates buzzer, Drew reacts, Sean and Jonathan walk off camera as Drew walks back on to end the game>

Dentist

Jeff: Says here you chipped your tooth.

Greg: Yes, it hurts. Can you help me?

Jeff: What seems to be the deal?

Greg: I need you to take this tooth out.

Jeff: Which one?

Greg: <points to tooth> This one.

Jeff: What do you call it?

Greg: Front tooth. Front tooth, down.

Jeff: I can tell that's your front tooth but I need you to sit down in that chair right there.

Greg: Okay.

Jeff: Just sit back...<cracks up with audience as they imitate buzzer, Greg starts to walk off as Chip enters.>

Greg: <sarcastically> Okay!

Chip: Aye!

Jeff: Just sit back and take it nice and slow!

Chip: Are you the doc?

Jeff: <grabs dental item> Can't you tell?

Chip: Why no nurse?

Jeff: My nurse died three weeks ago.

<audience imitates buzzer, Jeff leaves as Colin enters>

Chip: That's sad!

Colin: Do you want no pain?

Chip: Yes. No pain, please.

Colin: I can do that. <grabs hammer>

Chip: Do some guys want pain?

Colin: Some. It's very odd when they do.

<audience imitates buzzer, Colin leaves as Sean enters>

Chip: Tell me about guys who want pain.

<audience imitates buzzer, Chip runs off stage almost immediately, Drew enters>

Drew: Do you want me to put thing in mouth?

Sean: Yes. <begins to put items he's holding inside Drew's mouth> Be calm. Open wide...

<audience imitates buzzer, Sean leaves as Julie enters, Julie begins to put a knife and fork in Drew's mouth>

Julie: Let's see. It's big. <takes items out of Drew's mouth>

Drew: <pause> Yes, it is. Not too big, though.

<Drew winks his eye, which catches everybody else off guard and they all crack up.>

Julie: It's pr...oh!

<NOTE: Julie was about to say "pretty" but caught herself in the act. She leaves as Brad enters.>

Brad: Wait. You've got lots of plaque. You've got a dead root. I must pull that tooth.

Drew: I thought you were done.

Brad: I was done, but I saw plaque.

Drew: A plaque attack.

Brad: Yes.

<audience imitates buzzer, Drew leaves as Jeff enters>

Jeff: What do you do now?

Brad: I clean your tooth. I scrape your plaque. I buff your tongue.

Jeff: What if I say I don't want you to? What if I say I want to leave right now? What if I say I don't like the way you look?

Brad: I am a D.D.S.!

<scene ends>

Sentences

Zeppelin

Julie: Thank you for coming, Carl.

Drew: <in German accent> Is this your first ride on a zeppelin?

Julie: It is.

Drew: Beautiful, is it not? Every time I see this scenery, you know what I think? I think...<pulls out sentence>...what planet are you from? You amaze me with your stupidity!

Julie: Oh, look! A flock of geese, flying straight south.

Drew: Turn around! The window is behind you!

Julie: What a lovely picture! <turns towards Drew> My mother told me about men like you.

Drew: What did she say?

Julie: She said...<pulls out sentence>...the game isn't over until the fat lady sings.

Drew: Oh. Let me put on a wig and warm up! <sings syllables in the key of D twice>

Julie: Look, I didn't just want a zeppelin ride. I wanted to talk to you.

Drew: Really?

Julie: There's someone I want you to kill for me.

Drew: The last time I killed someone, it was horrible!

Julie: What happened?

Drew: They looked up at me as they died and with their DYING BREATH, they said...<pulls out sentence>...your hair looks nice today!

Julie: That must've been a while ago.

Drew: Oh, yes, it was...

<The zeppelin is hit by something and starts to shake.>

Julie: What happened? Oh my goodness!

Drew: Oh! "Shake, shake, shake."

Julie: Oh my goodness!

Drew: We must've hit something!

Julie: We're going down!

Drew: No! I don't want to go down in a zeppelin! That is the worst place! <looks at Julie intently> Oh, your eyes!

Brad: <enters as crew member> Remain calm! Remain calm, everyone! Those bumps! Remain calm! <pulls out sentence> I am a real blunt! <leaves>

Drew: What is that supposed to mean, b****? You come right back here and say it to my face! <pretends to take off earrings, walks back over to Julie> Let's see. If I was going to tell you I loved you, how would I put it? Let me put it in a poem. The first line of the poem is this...<pulls out sentence>...my mind's a blank. <pause> My mind is a blank, yet I still go to the bank. Imagine what a stank that is!

Julie: No one has ever talked so beautifully to me before.

Drew: Yeah, I'll bet. Tell me about it!

Julie: Let me tell you something, my friend.

Drew: Yes?

Julie: It's not that serious. <pulls out sentence> What happened to gay goats?

<Jeff enters as a German soldier pointing a pistol at Drew>

Jeff: I'll tell you what happened to Gaygoats! General Gaygoats was murdered! <eyes Drew> Oh my goodness, gracious! YOU killed General Gaygoats, Carl! We've been following you!

Drew: I did nothing to General Gaygoats!

Jeff: Let me see your papers! <Drew hands him the papers, then reaches for the sky> Let me read what's on your papers and your passport! <pulls out sentence> What's that in your pants?! Never mind the papers! What's under your pants?

Greg: <off camera as a P.A. system announcer, but camera switches on him on the last word> Attention! Attention! Land that zeppelin immediately!

Jeff: <to Greg> We will! We have found the murderer of General Gaygoats! <to Drew, who has his hands up again> Freeze it right there, Carl! You are under arrest! And by the power given to me by the ruler himself,...<pulls out sentence>...the domain server took a dump! <starts becoming emotional> Gaygoats is dead! The domain server is dumping all over the place!

Brad: <off camera> Not so fast!

Jeff: <in shock> General Gaygoats!

Brad: <now on camera> You thought I was dead but I am not!

Drew: The last time I saw you, I said...<pulls out sentence>..."can I use your toenail clippers?"

Jeff: And then you tried to kill him with them! You're still under arrest, Carl, for the attempted murder of Gaygoats!

Julie: <pulls out sentence> MY DOCTOR WON'T LIKE THAT!!!

Jeff: <pause, turns to Brad> I got no response to that! You?

Brad: <hands Jeff sentence> Maybe you have a response.

Jeff: I do have a response. <reads sentence> You just searched my glove compartment!

<scene ends>

Western shootout

<NOTE: The first line suggested by the audience was "You shot me in the heart." Greg and Drew walk through the saloon doors to start the scene.>

Drew: I didn't think I'd see you here at the world's tiniest saloon!

Greg: I didn't think you'd say the first line they gave you either! <audience laughs hysterically because Drew didn't say the first line>

Drew: The two tiny doors threw me off! 5 years ago, you shot me in the heart!

Greg: And I'll shoot you in the heart again if I get a chance, Licorice Kid!

Drew: You know what my doctor said when he saw my wound?

Greg: What?

Drew: <pulls out sentence> My hemorrhoids are flared up again!

Greg: You concerned varmint! That's what you said the day I shot you in the heart! I'm gonna shoot you again because I swore an oath that last time. I looked up at the heavens and I said,...<pulls out sentence>..."you're looking hell-a-fine." That's right.

Drew: I can't help it if I look better than you. There's got to be other people looking better than you in the world. You might as well get used to it. You and your shiny teeth and your big hat and your tight chaps.

Greg: While you're standing there with your big hat and your little gun...

Drew: Little vanilla!

Greg: I've had enough of your harassment! Why, this is what I've got to say to you, partner,...<pulls out sentence but cracks up as he reads it>..."I love you more than all the stars in the sky!" <audience laughs hysterically>

Drew: I think them's fighting words!

Greg: Fighting words?! I'll give you fighting words!

Drew: Yeah?

Greg: These are fighting words! <pulls out sentences>

Drew: What?

Greg: <reads sentence> Have I seen you here before? They're not very aggressive fighting words!

Drew: Yeah?

Greg: Here's fighting words!

Drew: What other day did you see me here before?

Greg: <reads sentence> That's the best massage I ever had!

Drew: OH YEAH?! OH YEAH?! I'LL SEE YOU OUT IN THE STREET!

Greg: Oh, will you! Come on!

<scene changes to outside saloon in street as townspeople run away except one child>

Brad: <as woman, runs across stage and grabs child> There's going to be a gunfight! Come on, Billy!

<audience laughs and applauds>

Greg: You know, that widow woman gets uglier every time she runs by!

Drew: I don't think she's a real widow. I think her husband done run off.

Greg: Do you?

Drew: You know what he said to her when he left her?

Greg: What?

Drew: <pulls out sentence> How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Greg: Well, that seems right likely!

Drew: Before I kill you, I want to apologize for what I did to you five years before you shot me in the heart.

Greg: Apologize? I didn't think you remembered!

Drew: I wouldn't consider myself a man if I didn't apologize before I killed you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I walked up to your grandmother, held her close, and said,...<pulls out sentence>..."Does something smell?" I don't know what I was thinking! I'm still steaming over that one!

<Brad re-enters, this time as the Sheriff>

Brad: Howdy, boys! I'm the Sheriff!

Greg: Sheriff! I didn't expect to see you here!

Drew: Best place for you, Sheriff!

Brad: The people in town said you've been lollygagging with your gunfight. They'd like to get back to walking through the streets.

Greg: Oh, would they, would they?

Brad: So if you all are planning on shooting each other, we'd...

Drew: Back to back! Let's get this over with!

Greg: All right!

<Greg and Drew put their backs against one another>

Greg: You count it off!

Drew: Only shooting, right? Here we go. On the count of three. One. <both take step> Two. <both take step> Three!

<Greg and Drew turn around and shoot. The result of the gunfire kills them and only hurts Brad.>

Drew: Oh! Conundrum Kid! You got me!

Greg: Licorice Kid!

Drew: Before I die, I just want to tell you,...<pulls out sentence as Brad limps off and a vulture comes down to look at Drew>...where are my car keys?

<both die as the scene ends>

Story

The Tale of Onion Sam

<Greg is acting as the pointer>

Jeff: <singing> Bigger than a potato, taller than a yam, who is it? It's...

Chip: <singing> ...Onion Sam!

Brad: <singing> He don't care, he don't give a damn.

Jeff: <singing> Who is it? It's Onion...

Colin: <singing off-key> ...SAM!

Drew: "I'm Onion Sam!" he cried as he burst through the doors of the cantina.

Colin: He had made a name for himself planting onion trees throughout the West.

Brad: Yes, he was the only one who figured out how to make onions grow on trees.

Jeff: <as Sam> "I'm tired of digging in the dirt to get my onions! I want to be able to reach out and pick 'em!"

Chip: <as Sam> "You ain't seen nothing like an onion orchard! It's got the most beautiful trees in the world! It'll be bring a tear to your eye for sure..."

Sean: <as Sam> "...sure, they're stinky trees, but they're beautiful, too!"

Julie: Becky loved Onion Sam more than life itself.

Jeff: They were the best couple anyone in that town had ever seen, until a new stranger came into town, the...

Colin: ...French Fry Kid! He was trying a new side dish:

Sean: Mashed French Fries!

Brad: They realized their side dish of delicious Julienne Onions might be going the way of the Crocodile Toe!

Drew: Oh, they used to love Crocodile Toe in Arizona!

Brad: But now, no one even ordered it no...

Colin: ...more! Onion Sam thought, "It's time to take this into my own hands! I must make a way to make my onions..."

Chip: "...bigger! Stronger! I want onions as big as..."

Julie: "...your eye and then some!" <Audience, Colin and Chip laugh>

Jeff: He was, of course, talking to the person with the biggest eye in the world.

Sean: That was Becky, and whenever he talked to her, she would start crying.

Drew: Crying huge tears.

Brad: She had optic encephalitis, which means "overly-swollen eyeballs the size of cantaloupes."

Jeff: French Fry Kid stepped through the door and strode, stridently.

Chip: <as Sam> "What a strident stroder you are," he said to him.

Colin: <as Becky> "Strodent, really." Then Onion Sam said, "Look, French Fry Kid. Maybe we could work together and make a side dish..."

Sean: All of a sudden, she came up with a great...

Drew: ...side dish that combined the two things together.

Julie: Potatoey-onioney-goodness!

Colin: Faster than a bunny with...

Chip: ...nothing on him at all, no clothes, or...

Colin: ...suit, or anything, Becky quickly got some oil,...

Drew: ...Put it in a big bowl,...

Sean: ...and fried up some onions...

Jeff: ...and some potatoes!

Colin: The aroma hit the townspeople! One by one, they ran into the...

Sean: ...store and said, "What is that beautiful smell?"

Jeff: <as Sam> "It's potonions!" <pause as audience laughs hysterically with applause>

Brad: The sweet wafting aroma of potonion had hit that beautiful town!

Chip: Square bewteen Becky's big eyes! They joined hands and they...

Colin: ...sang an ode to onions and potatoes, and it went...

Jeff: ...a little something a-like this.

Brad: <singing> When you're getting there sooner or later,...

Sean: <singing> ...there's nothing more tastier than a potater!

Drew: <singing> When you're feeling like you're tired of standing on your bunions,...

Chip: <singing> ...you gotta try our new potonions!

<scene ends>

The Man Who Stole Florida

<Drew is acting as the pointer>

Brad: Peter Peninsula stared at his map lovingly. There was something he loved about the shape of that Southern state.

Colin: That and the fact he had a vitamin C deficency made him plan day and day out...

Jeff: ...to steal the entire state of Florida! But first, he'd have to find a place to put it. He couldn't put it...

Kathy: ...in his backyard, because his backyard was too small. So Peter thought...

Greg: ..."Alabama! No one will look for Florida inside Alabama!"

Chip: "Peter! What are you doing down there?" his mother yelled.

Brad: "Oh, nothing!" he said as he stood on the border of Florida and Alabama with a giant hacksaw, cutting, cutting, cutting slowly.

Jeff: It came off! But what he didn't expect was that Florida started to drift off into the ocean!

Colin: Luckily, he had a straw.

Brad: So he tried to use that to force water to bubble it back towards shore.

Colin: Nope, didn't work.

Greg: Florida found itself an island, out in the middle of the Caribbean. The people liked it better. They no longer had people from New Jersey coming down all the time!

Chip: And there was dancing and singing and Florida became the hottest island in the whole Caribbea...

Kathy: ...n. In fact, it became hotter than Cuba.

Chip: It became extra Cuba hot!

Brad: How could they keep the tourists coming to Cuba?

Colin: Castroland! An amazing amusement park with moustache roller coasters and...

Jeff: ...Che Guevara-themed mascots! Oh, people will thrill to come to our Communist...

Greg: ...wonderland, where they'll get to wear identical military uniforms and march together, and sit in...

Kathy: ...smoked cigars, and stuff like that!

Chip: Suddenly, the state police showed up.

Brad: That's right. The Florida State Police, some of which had drowned during the horrible separation, but many had survived, and they came a-lookin'.

Colin: They found Peter still gleefully eating oranges.

Jeff: All day long, he began to turn orange...

Colin: ...which isn't really that good a color on him.

Brad: That's because he was a spring. He needed lighter colors to accent his eyes.

Chip: Florida began to sink! Peter said, "What have I done? What was I thinking to think this state could exist as an island? I must take this island back to..."

Jeff: "...the rest of the continental United States!" So he put a big outboard motor to the bottom of Florida, and...

Brad: ...as it slowly started to sink, it turned more into an archipelago, actually...

Greg: ...which is a series of islands, for people who don't know what an archipelago is!

Colin: Like, who doesn't know that?

Kathy: So, Peter decided to whip that motor into a frenzy as he started to heave that whole archipe...

Brad: ...lago, towards its homeward desti...

Kathy: ...nation. Just then, his mother found him, and she...

Chip: ...was angry!

Jeff: She admitted to Peter that she had been dating Fidel Castro since the 60s! She said, "Honey, we're taking Florida..."

Greg: "...back where it belongs..."

Jeff: "...in the middle of the ocean next to Cuba! They're going to combine Florida with Cuba and make a new super country called Flor..."

Brad: "...riduba! And Orlandavana will be its..."

Chip: "...capital." Unfortunately, they put it back backward...

Colin: ...s. So it became the opposite of what was said before.

Jeff: It seemed that every state in the Union wanted to separate and form its own island and scoot about with outboard motors across the ocean!

Colin: Peter sat there thinking, "What have I done?"

Brad: The moral of this story is...

Kathy: ...if you need orange juice...

Greg: ...why don't you just go down to the supermarket, instead of sawing off one of the most popular states in the Union?

Brad: When you turn a peninsula into an island, you're not going to have a merry isthmus!

<scene ends>

The Superb Ego

<Jeff is acting as the pointer>

Greg: Paul sat alone in his room, filled with pride in himself. He was practically bursting at the seams at the thought of his own exis...

Chip: ...tence. "Me, me-me, me-me!" He looked into the...

Kathy: ...mirror and said...

Brad: "Me." He saw in the reflection of the mirror behind him a lot of mirrors reflecting the reflection of himself.

Drew: <as Paul> "I'm in love a thousand times...

Colin: <as Paul> "...with me!"

Greg: But the king drift of Paul's giant...

Chip: ..ego and said "I will not let this stand in my kingdom!"

Kathy: And so he declared a day of com...

Drew: ...petition between Paul and everyone who...

Colin: ...had the first name "Steve". Steves from all around the kingdom showed up at the competition.

Brad: And it was called "The Festival of Steves Plus Paul".

Greg: Everyone gathered on the...

Kathy: ...mound of grass near the king's palace.

Brad: The Steves lined up for the big competition against...

Greg: ...Paul!

Kathy: <as the princess> "Now the competition of scent! We need to smell...

Drew: "...The Pits of Paul!"

Greg: Yes, Paul's pits smelled like crushed fruit, dipped in honey and delivered by angels to a bed of...

Brad: ...roses. He knew the scent competition would be the last so he had kept crushed fruit and honey underneath his armpits.

Greg: Paul swelled with pride more than he...

Colin: ...usually did, and when you're swollen with pride, well... <pauses> Anyway... Later on that afternoon...

Brad: ...the entire competition just...

Kathy: ...came to a halt as all the bees in the kingdom flew to his armpits and began stinging him!

Colin: Once again he was swollen - not with pride, but with the... BEE VENOM! - coursing through his body like...

Brad: ...stuff that goes through your bloodstream!

Greg: <as two birds> "Yes!" <cracks up>

Brad: Lucky for him the final competition was "Who Had the Most Swollen...

Colin: "...Armpits!"

Kathy: It was Paul. Paul was swollen from head to...

Chip: Toe, but in walked Big Pit Steve, he had the largest, most-swollen...

Greg: ...pits in all of the kingdom.

Drew: Oh my God and they STANK TO HIGH...

Greg: ...heaven.

Colin: Then everything stopped. The king had an idea - "I will hold a competition for the most humble! See the twist!?" The twist was...

Chip: ...that...

Colin: ...Paul had an ego, he couldn't be humble, but to win, he had to have... the most humbleness... of anyone! His mind couldn't take this...

Kathy: ...but...

Colin: ...it could in a way! He tried to be humble and said "Oh, I...

Brad: "...am the most..."

Colin: "...humble, I can't even be in the shadow of Steve, because... OH! OH, WHAT AM I SAYING!? I..."

Drew: "...GOING MAD..."

Colin: "...FEAR I GO MAD!" Then his eyes...

Drew: ...exploded!

Colin: <as two birds> "Owww!" "Th-that hurt!"

Brad: Now Paul and all the Steves had...

Drew: ...no eyeballs!

Brad: All around them in all three rivers they stood, realizing they were now in a town that would some day be called... <looks around before realizing he'd have to end the story himself> Pittsburgh!

<scene ends>

Bertha and the Haunted Municipal Building

<Drew is acting as the pointer>

Brad: Billy and Jimmy broke the window on the basement window of the municipal building. <Greg giggles>

Colin: Suddenly, they both stopped in mid-sentence, for there in front of them was a giant woman almost eight feet tall.

Jonathan: Seven and a half feet tall to be exact. She was standing there with fire pouring from her eyes and...

Brad: ...blood dripping from her ears. She was covered in seaweed, and had a deck of cards.

Jeff: It was Bertha, the file clerk who died there 25 years ago!

Greg: And there she was. It was said that she walked those halls with her deck of cards every night. And who...

Jonathan: ...came out of the deck of cards but the...

Colin: ...Jack of Spades! He was a jolly fellow or so it seemed. He made his way towards Jim and...

Sean: ...Billy. And he said "Hello boys! Would you like a game of chance?"

Colin: Just then, something so miraculous happened, that even as I talk about it, I still don't understand what it is.

Brad: One of the...

Jeff: ...kids came across an old file cabinet. He opened it up and inside...

Greg: ...was the Berthranomicon. It was a book that contained all the magic spells that would dispel Betha's spirit and make her ectoplasm leave this...

Sean: ...planet for good! If he could only decipher it.

Jeff: And fortunately he took a class in deciphering Berthranomicon.

Colin: Anyhoo, he looked in the back, and there in the index under "B" was "Bertha, getting rid of."

Brad: So he started to chant, luckily he spoke Latin fluently.

Greg: <as Billy> "<clears throat> Androponum, Incoponum, Berthraponum nu!" he cried. And Jimmy...

Jonathan: ...couldn't believe his eyes as she quickly shrunk about a foot and a half.

Greg: And then she was smaller.

Sean: Small but still deadly. She started chasing them down the hallway. "<rapid gibberish>!"

Brad: She said in her little mouse voice, even though she was still 6 foot tall.

Colin: Somehow she got in front of them, and put before them a giant requisition form. The boys' eyes...

Jeff: widened. She said "PRESS HARD! YOU'RE MAKING THREE COPIES!"

Sean: And then they had the final trump card. They turned to Bertha and said "May I see your supervis-"

Greg: <as Jimmy> "-or?" Bertha started quaking and quivering for her supervisor had been dead these long 25 years! Suddenly the supervisor appeared, he was a giant purple protoplasmic Gi-

Jeff: -gantore! "WHY HAVE YOU WOKEN ME FROM MY NAP?!"

Colin: <as Gigantore> "AND WHERE'S MY DONUT?" Bertha ran off, disappearing forever.

Jonathan: And the moral of the story is this one: If you ever break into a municipal building, and you're ten years old, and you... <Greg burps>

Jeff: ...find yourself being surrounded by bureaucrats from beyond,

Sean: always ask for the supervisor.

<scene ends>

The Little Antelope that Could

<Drew is acting as the pointer>

Jeff: <as Jim's dad> "You can't."

Colin: He said as the antelope slowly made his way towards him. Jim...

Brad: ...realized that he was going to have to go out on his own, and fend for himself in the harsh world of evil creatures.

Colin: He was an antelope with a plan.

Julie: He wanted to settle in a place in Manhattan, and start dancing.

Sean: And maybe start playing some jazz music.

Chip: Cut to two years later, an antelope, alone, in the streets, hitting the bottle, hitting the bottle hard.

Colin: "Where did it all go wrong?" Jimmy thought to himself "I came here with such dreams, ready to dance, ready to play jazz!"

Sean: All the sudden he bumped into Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance! Michael Flatley knows talent, he knows it!

Jeff: He gave Jimmy one look over and said "I've found..."

Greg: "<as Flatley>...the antelope I have been looking for. I'm doing a show called Lords of the Impala..."

Julie: "<as Flatley>...and you're just the guy to help me."

Chip: Ultimately they decided that the show...

Jeff: ...was going to go on earlier than had been scheduled. Jimmy said "I'm not prepared! The whole opening num-"

Brad: "<as Jimmy>-ber is still just a '?' in my head, I've only done it one time!"

Colin: "You're on!" said the stage manager. He pushed him in the middle of...

Chip: ...the stage. He...

Colin: he leapt into the air, leaping higher than he ever leapt...

Chip: ...in his life on...

Colin: ...two legs!

Chip: The audience screamed!

Jeff: They screamed because he had leapt too high and his horns got stuck in the rigging above the stage.

Sean: They thought it was a special effect! He moved his head back and forth and fell down to the stage!

Chip: Four months later: Tony Awards. Jimmy could hardly believe it as they called his name as he limped slowly to the stage and took...

Sean: ...his Tony. And then everyone rose, it was a standing ovation for a very, very special impala.

Colin: Suddenly, an impatient lion came out of nowhere and devoured Jimmy. <Chip and Jeff laugh> The moral of the story is this:

Greg: When your parents tell you "You can't," always remember...

Brad: ...that if you try just hard...

Sean: ...enough and you don't run with the herd,

Jeff: lion's still probably gonna eat you.

<scene ends>