Ed (TV series)
Ed (2000–2004) was a comedy-drama television show about a hotshot New York lawyer who on the same day is both fired from his job (for a misplaced comma that lost the firm millions of dollars) and discovers that his wife is sleeping with a postal worker. Deciding to pack up and go back to his home town of Stuckeyville, Ohio, he is reunited with friends that he has missed, as well as a woman he had a crush on in high school. Determined to win her heart, he decides to stay, buying a rundown bowling alley and setting up a new law firm in the process.
- Ed: [to Molly about Carol] If you're not born with broad shoulders and a strong jaw, there's only one way to get the girl... you make a complete ass of yourself.
- Kenny: If there were two bowling alleys, exactly alike, but one of them had wall-to-wall whores, I'd definitely patronize the one with the whores.
- Ed: [to Mike] You know when you go into a department store and they have an irregular rack? Irregular. That's my staff.
- Molly: [to Carol about Ed] You're lucky that you didn't sleep with him. He would've bought a strip mall.
- Ed: Sometimes two people can fall so completely in love and yet be so completely wrong for one another. It's fate's nasty side, I guess.
The World of Possibility
- Stuckeyville Stan: In the old days, we would have settled things like this with a baseball bat and a sock full of quarters.
- Phil: [(to Ed, explaining why he goes by "Jean Tremont" to the salt-and-pepper shaker sales reps] The French thing gives me a business edge. It keeps 'em confused.
- Ed: I came up with a theory on women. Women are just fancy men. You know what I mean? Start with a man, add a bunch of interesting bells and whistles, and you've got a woman.
- Phil: [On the phone with salt/pepper shaker sales rep] I've got sales reps from seven companies following me around like I'm a virgin at a rodeo.
- Ed: [defending Stan in court] Without the world of possibility, what do we have left?
- Warren: [to Ed] Yeah, I was just wondering... um... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's like, in a bowling alley, or whatever, um... well, are they ever like, "Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is not in a bowling alley?"
- Ed: [about the mailman] Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife.
- Warren: [to Molly, about Carol] Your friend here is a tough nut to crack, and I am one hungry squirrel.
- Carol: [on seeing Ed's video] The first time I saw it, I was shocked. Second time, I was horrified. I think it was that third time -- that's the one that scarred me for life.
- Mike: [regarding the $10 bets] When the gauntlet is dropped, you must accept the challenge.
Pretty Girls and Waffles
- Bill Woslouis: [choosing the lead for the school play] Go with the pretty broad.
- Phil: [to Ceela, as she and Ed are discussing her case] Excuse me for interrupting, but I just have to say: you are soooo hot!
- Ed: [To opposing counsel, after presenting love letter that Dick wrote to Ceela] I think you're looking at a 7-10 split.
- Carol: [talking to her waffles] We have got some waffles, tasty tasty waffles. Hello, Mr. Waffle, Goodbye, Mr. Waffle. You are a waffle, yeah!
- Mike: [to waitress, in response to a $10 bet] Burger me!
- Mike: Bullfights and machismo. If you gave Hemingway some bullfights, and a little machismo, he was a happy, happy man.
- Phil: Shirley, those who raise the bar of expectation, bar the expectation of raise.
- Kenny: [to Ed] I brought coffee... I didn't know what size you wanted, so I got small, medium and large.
- Kenny: I always wanted to go on a stakeout. One of my favorite movies is Stakeout. Even better than that was the sequel, Another Stakeout. They really took it to the next level.
- Ed: [to Phil] Stuckeybowl is a family place - a nice place. It's not a stripper kind of place.
Home Is Where the Ducks Are
- Ed: [introducing the Festival of Ducks] Quack, quack. That's all I got... beer's over there!
- Phil: [passing out fliers in the park] Hey, you like sex? Come to the Festival of Ducks!
- Phil: [to Kevin, about his score of 6 when challenged to show his bowling prowess] I got 60% - if a presidential candidate got 60%, it would be a landslide. I got a mandate, Shazzam!
- Ed: With all due respect, sir, this is a full-assed bowlathon.
- Ed: Jaspertown can kiss my Stuckeyvillian ass!
Something Old, Something New
- Kenny: [to Carol, about Ed] There goes one inspirational bastard.
- Mike: [about the plans for the first annual Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving dinner] I've got my money on grease fire.
- Carol: [to Ed] I can never decide whether you're totally adorable or totally creepy.
The Whole Truth
- Warren: [to Carol] I'll be in the van.
- Dr. Jerome: Take my hand, Dr. Burton. Feel it. What was once a limber, supple instrument of healing now grows withered, leathery and stiff.
- Warren: [to Carol, about Ed] Is this guy bothering you? Say the word and I'll throw down.
Your Life Is Now
- Troy McCallum: [to Ed and Carol] Beer always tastes better in Stuckeyville.
- Warren: [to Ed] What about that time you busted into our class wearing that fruity-ass knight suit?
- Carol: [to girls' JV basketball team] We are going to take turns bouncing the ball... and whoever bounces the ball the highest wins a Fruit Roll-up.
- Ed: Oh Carol, I know about your attraction to me... let's just stop torturing ourselves, and let's start doin' it already!
- Ed: [to Phil] I can never tell where the admiration leaves off and the condescension begins.
- Phil: [to Ed, about laugh tracks] Can't do comedy without one. People need to be told when to laugh.
- Mike: [to Ed] Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
- Ed: A big, strong guy.
- Mike: What if the invisible fat guy has a whip?
- Ed: Is it an invisible whip?
- Nancy: This is the worst episode of the McLaughlin group ever.
Hook, Line, and Sinker
- Ed: Stuckeyville... the place where broken hearts go to mend.
- Ed: [to Carol, at her birthday party] Didn't you wish for a deep, long, soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens?
- Kenny: I alphabetized all of these... I started with A, and ended with Z.
- Shirley: I'm going to spend the entire $15 on curly fries...
- Ed: [to Bonnie, after the kiss on her doorstep] That was the Shirley Temple talking.
The Music Box
- Ed: [to the chief of police, after asking one question too many] You have nice eyes.
- Warren: [when running into Jessica and friends registering for the bowling leagues] Well, if I didn't just buy beachfront property in Coincidence City!
- Bonnie: I changed my mind. That's what we women do.
- Mike: [as he comes to the door, interrupting Ed and Bonnie] Ed, it's 11:40. We got 20 minutes to save Bobby Hull Hockey from the junkyard...wait, wait a minute. Is your hair mussed up?
- Mike: Tonight, young Ed Stevens becomes a man!
- Bonnie: [on wearing the 'hat of shame', while apologizing to Ed] I give you my personal guarantee that this is the single ugliest hat in Stuckeyville.
- Ed: [to Carol] I say even if we marry other people, we still get together every week just to do it.
- Shirley: [Calling off the facial expressions for Chuck to try out on Phil] Sexy... cool... brainiac... impish... mellow... cute... supercute... Swedish...
- Phil: [to Chuck, teaching him to be a ladies' man] You're a prancer. You've got a bounce in your step that says 'Hey, look at me, I'm a cute little bunny!'
- Mike: [as he and Ed hide in the bushes, waiting for Bonnie] I'm not so sure about the superhero costume... I mean, the suit of armor, that made sense to me... a knight in shining armor, that's romantic. But this? Not so much.
- Shirley: [showing Ed the surveillance tape] That's Kenny. He stood motionless for five hours... Kenny's so talented.
- Phil: [to Carol] Whoa! You look great. Did you sneak off somewhere and get some work done?
- Phil: [handing Big Rudy over to Ed] Ed, this is the man responsible for sabotage against one Stuckeybowl Bowling Center. You sir have been served up like a trout on a silver platter.
- Ed: In the criminal justice system, Bonnie Hane's day is divided into two separate yet equally important parts: prosecuting offenders and having lunch.
- Molly: [to Carol after Willie asks her out] I just thought I'd spice it up a bit. I mean, why say "Hello" when you can say "Hellooooooooooooooo"?
- Warren: [on finding he is in a reading group with Jessica] What God have I pleased to deserve such a favor?
- Warren: [upon seeing that Jessica might think he`s a little weird for loving "Walden"] This is just a big wakeup call! I mean, whatever, I only read the first three chapters, so the rest might suck.
- Warren: Time is but the stream I go a-fishin' in.
- Mike: Ed, Lewis and Clark had a journal. You, my friend, have a diary.
- Molly: Albert Einstein was put on this earth to come up with the theory of relativity. Alexander Graham Bell, the telephone. James Louis Kraft individually wrapped slices of cheese. Molly Hudson's great purpose on this earth? Not yet decided, but I can tell you, for sure, what it is not, and that is to be a go-between for the greatest romance of our time: Edward J. Stevens, Carol Phyllis Vessey. Will they? Won't they? They fight! They're friends! Ooooh, what will happen next?
- Dr. Jerome: [to Mike] You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin! I have been a doctor for half a century. You have been a doctor since lunch! I am a man, you are a child! I know everything, you know nothing!
- Dr. Jerome: [when confronting Mike in his office] What a marvelous piece of craftsmanship! Whoever forged this diploma must really take pride in his work. I mean, it looks just like the real thing!
- Warren: [reassuring Clark that he can trust Carol with his problem] She's cool. I mean, I've hit her with some pretty deep inside the soul type stuff and she's always been rock-n-roll solid with me. And I gotta say, she's opened up to me a few times.
- Shirley: Bendy straws make drinking more pleasurable. I'm phasing out the straights.
- Mike: [on how he and Nancy can earn money while they both stay home with Sarah] I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees.
- Nancy: Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month?
- Warren: If you let me inside, I will take you on a journey of pleasure. Bite the forbidden apple, Carmela. You will find it sweet.
- Shirley: Ed, one of the goals I have set for myself as your legal assistant is to make sure that when you are drinking coffee, and you finish the coffee, your cup is refilled with more coffee.
- Carmela: [receiving Mike`s thanks for "saving his life"]' That was nothing, Dr. Burton. I used the Heimlich Maneuver. It's such a wonderful maneuver.
- Warren: [as Mrs. G suggests he play his clarinet like woman, and not try to force it quite so much] Believe me, Mrs. G., you don't have to tell Warren Cheswick how to make a woman sing.
Window of Opportunity
- Carol: [after Ed says he'll propose if he bowls a strike] That's me moving to the edge of my seat.
- Warren: [when the concessioner tries to talk him and Donna into the movie combo] Ok, like, we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda. For the love of God! No one can!
- Warren: Any date that involves the Jaws of Life can't be that bad, right?
- Ed: [to Ari and Barbara as they stand at the altar] You guys screw this marriage up, I'll have to hunt you down and kill you.
- Warren: I'm too much the gentleman to convey the details of my interlude, although I will let on that I experimented with certain maneuvers heretofore attempted only in the Orient.
Mind Over Matter
- Ed: Stuckeybowl, Stuckeyville. Don't tell me that's a coincidence!
- Mike: [talking about Ed, who is trying to get landmark status for Stuckeybowl] It's so much fun to wind him up and watch him go.
- Phil: [to Harry, about Ed] Don't even talk to this one in the morning till he's had his second cup of joe.
- Shirley: Which do you think you could make more money off of: a talking dog or a flying dog?
- Mike: [to Ed and Carol, who are sitting on the roof] Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head!
- Ed: [after he and Phil tell Warren to ask Jessica to the prom] Oh my God, somebody mark down the date and the time. It's never happened before, but I do believe that I finally just agreed with Phil Stubbs.
- Warren: [trying to convince Jessica to be his prom date] What if we just go as friends? Let's just go as friends. I'll buy you a dress!
- Phil: A cocktail in one hand, a show girl in the other. The casino staff catering to my every whim. To this day, the name Phil Stubbs is still known in many of the finer gaming establishments.
- Ed: [asking Carol about her reign] I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say bombed Belgium?
- Kenny: [on his trip to Caesar's buffet in Vegas] 128 shrimp, $2.99. Suddenly, the house didn't have such an advantage, if you know what I mean!
- Phil: [to Ed, regarding his move to NYC] Hey Bosco, once I get situated in Gotham, would you mind if I give your ex-wife a call?
- Warren: [when the pimp questions his given age of 25] Pendleton men have always been a little boyish. It's both a blessing and a curse.
- Warren: [to the escort Tonya, when he picks her up] Get out of my dreams and into my station wagon.
- Warren: Look at me. I've got a thin tie. I'm wearing a thin tie to the prom! Woo hoo! I'm my own man.
- Ed: [to Mike regarding his relationship with Carol after the almost kiss] We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingos engaged in a complex mating dance.
The Stars Align
- Warren: Let's spend another Friday night in my basement, eating my mom's zucchini bread and watching Battlebots.
- Warren: I knew it! I knew it! I'm going upstate. Oh my god. I'm going upstate to visit some guy with a name like Ice or Big Daddy. He's gonna make me his bitch and he's gonna trade me for a carton of cigarettes or a girlie magazine!
- Mike: [to Ed] It would have been a much better story if you, Bonnie, and Carol all started kissing each other.
- Phil: I remember a time when television used to entertain us with the craftsmanship of writing, acting, directing. Now they just try to shock us with the drek of sensationalistic sewage.
- Carol: [to Ed] I'm not afraid of you being my boyfriend. I'm afraid of you being my ex-boyfriend.
- Ed: [comparing himself and Mike with Dennis] Cool guys? Cool guys? No thank you, we'd much rather be a couple of dorks.
- George McPherson: [on why he wants to change his name] Life's too short to be someone you don't want to be.
- Nancy: [watching as Ed`s "Hat Man" tries to pick up women in the bar] This is like watching a really cute puppy trying to have sex with a hooker.
- Dr. Jerome: While I pride myself in having a facile sense of humor, steeped in both satire and irony, I choose not to use it here.
- Mike: [after Ed makes fun of his pants] Dockers kick ass, Ed.
A Job Well Done
- Phil: I manage a bowling alley. It's my job to trade in dreams and illusions. Oh my child, you wouldn't understand...
- Ed: Phil, get your hand off my face.
- Ed: [sitting on a horse ride at a playground] Look at me everybody! I'm a cowboy! Yee haw!
- Shirley: If this is the first annual party, how can you be taking it to the next level?
- Warren: [on his pep rally plans] I'm gonna rock this hizzy!
- Molly: [on accepting Jim`s invitation to join him at the Goat] I have the willpower of a lima bean.
- Molly: After all, it's Friday and shouldn't we be thanking God for that?
- Warren: [during his pep rally take-over] If you didn't come to party then take your shabby ass home, cuz Chezz-Cat is in the house!
- Ed: Bear my children.
- Carol: Would you settle for a Velamint?
- Ed: Absolutely
- Jim: [as he takes Molly to the home of defunct video games] This is where fun comes to die.
- Dr. Jerome: [on Mike`s assertion that his MD from Johns Hopkins is preparation enough for the practice] You aren't prepared to sell fish from the back of a truck, you slobbering moose!
- Kenny: [trying to break the ice with Liz, Ed's ex] By the way, I would have cheated on him too.
- Phil: [when Joe asks what he does] Don't try to pigeonhole me.
- Warren: [on Abraham Lincoln`s wrestling career] He'd throw down his top hat and start kicking ass!
- Warren: Don't tell anyone, but I'm currently developing the 5/8 Nelson.
- Carol: [on Molly`s assertion that she is in love with Dennis] I'm not obsessed with him. I'm intrigued by the enigma.
The New World
- Mike: [when Nancy warns her cookies are hot] I have the pain threshold of a camel.
- Cookie Mom: [sampling Nancy`s cookie] This son of a bitch is a homerun.
- Shirley: I could eat stew seven nights a week. I don't, but I could.
- Mike: [on how to deal with the cookie moms] If things get rough, you could make them a cookie they can't refuse.
- Diane: Warren Cheswick. Tell me when exactly you decided wearing turtlenecks was a good idea.
- Ed: [to Carol] You and I are just left with night after night of empty, physical pleasure.
- Warren: For the first time in my life, I'm giving off pheromones! Thick, billowing clouds of pheromones!
- Warren: Seriously, Ed. I owe you big time. You're my dog!
- Nancy: [when Mike says they must kick bad habits for Sarah`s sake] You were eating a pop tart naked, so I can't watch E! News Daily?!
- Shirley: I'm still fine tuning the egg to nog ratio.
- Nancy: [indulging Mike`s new cultural side] Welcome home, Michael, would you like a crumpet?
- Ed: [on why he needs so much clothes] Pants and back up pants.
- Ed: Giving should never hurt. You should just give until it feels good.
Small Town Guys
- Nancy: You scared the Steak-ums out of me!
- Mike: [while wearing a Dr. Jerome costume] I just thought since that buffalo-brained husband of yours wasn't here, you'd like to get it on with one Dr. Walter Jerome.
- Carol: [to Ed] If it's any consolation at all, I think you look damn cute in the bowling shirts.
- Judge LaRue: [reprimanding Gary Saringo] What law school did you go to TV boy?
Two Days of Freedom
- Mike: [regarding Outback Steak Houses] What does steak have to do with Australia? It's like the Greenland Spaghetti House.
- Carol: [to Dennis] You know, there IS something that's special about you. You're the last jerk I'm ever going to date.
- Carol: Sometimes it's not easy for boys and girls to be friends. And I know because it's not easy for me, either.
- Dennis: [to Carol] I brought that girl to the party because I was trying to make you disposable... I couldn't.
Ends and Means
- Ed: Boxes were made of steel back when I was a kid and everything cost a nickel.
- Mike: [giving Nancy advice on being a substitute teacher] Wear sturdy pants tomorrow. You're gonna need 'em.
- Ed: If you think parading two goons in fifteen hundred dollar suits is enough to intimidate me, then you are being stunningly foolish.
- Mark: [on what makes him miserable] For me, it's the insult of not being able to legally purchase a fine cigar.
- Phil: I know the gang thinks its adorable to call you ‘Molls' but to keep everyone within earshot from vomiting, I'm gonna stick with 'Molly'.
- Barney Stacuzzo: [to Carol, when she tries to convince the band to not play at the funeral] I'm sorry, Yoko, but you don't get a vote in this.
- Mark: Down is up, left is right, and Logic is on a ski vacation with his buddy Reason.
- Mark: [in a tattoo parlor] I feel like I'm gonna get hepatitis just standing here.
- Warren: [to Jessica, as she is dumping him] Jess, come on. Throw a dog a bone.
Things To Do Today
- Shirley: Good luck finding the beautiful psychotic lady. Toodle-oo.
- Molly: I never thought that knowing how to play the recorder could be such a liability.
- Jennifer Bradley: Life is about opening doors...to new places, new people, new opportunities.
- Ed: What kinds of opportunities have you gotten by acting like a raving lunatic?
- Warren: Your fickle friends Who, What Where, Why and When can fly you to the moon one day and leave you high and dry and begging for mercy the next.
- Warren: [on Dennis] He's a very unpredictable man, with the temperament of a jungle cat, I might add.
Nice Guys Finish Last
- Phil: Where there's chaos, there's opportunity, baby!
- Ed: I'm in hell.
- Phil: [showing the truckers his edible air fresheners] Now that's a 10-4 if I ever tasted one, good buddy.
- Phil: Truckers don't live on gas, grass, and ass alone.
- Molly: [to Jim] Get out of this school now or my hand to god, I will kick your ass in front of the A/V squad.
Wheel of Justice
- Lloyd Stevens: A guy doesn't want to be a 10. A guy wants to be a solid 7. Anything above that starts to ask more questions than it answers.
- Mike: [on Nancy's internet chatting addiction] Pass me the yellow pages, would you, hon? I want to start looking for one of those cult deprogrammers.
- Warren: [on dating Diane] It would never work. Diane is a cynic. Warren Cheswick is a dreamer.
- Mark: Warren Cheswick is a jack ass.
- Lloyd Stevens: [to Ed] Will you relax? You've got the constitution of a titmouse.
- Warren: [on why he didn't attend a party] I decided to go down to the Home Depot and buy a whole crapload of lumber. I like to build big things.
- Mike: [to Ed] My God, it is so embarrassing when you try to act like an actual guy.
- Phil: [to Ed] When did you stop being 'my man' and start being 'The Man'?
- Molly: [to Carol] When it comes to human interest stories, you can never go wrong with abnormally large produce.
- Phil: [to AFL-CIO reps] Don't let me rot to death in this sweatshop!
- Nancy: [on Mike] We all do stupid little things we're not proud of.
Power of the Person
- Warren: [to Rabbi] Playing hard to get, nice...very svelte...
- Warren: I'm not really here to confess. Just taking the booth for a test drive.
- Mark: [to Warren] Tell them you won't sign with anyone till they get you in a room with God himself.
- Ed: [to Carol] Let me cut to the chase: your boyfriend's an ass. Fry?
- Reverend Isaac: [to Warren] Last time I mentioned this girl, your face popped out like a blowfish.
- Warren: You have no way of knowing this, but I am usually very, very cool.
- Mike: [to Ed] You hear that whistle? It's the Carol train leaving the station.
- Warren: [on seasoned curly fries] They're too complicated. It's like my tongue is taking an exam.
- Mike: Ed, I'm going to get us a couple of extremely cold beers and you and I are going out on the back porch for a good old fashioned father-son talk.
- Warren: [to Diane] Tonight your every foot fall should be cushioned by rose petals. And if I run out of rose petals, I have Styrofoam peanuts.
- Carol: No matter what changes, the past is always part of me.
- Ed: The past is all well and good. I feel I need to start working on my future.
- Molly: See you all tomorrow for our last class of the year, or as I like to call it, 'a complete and utter waste of time'.
- Warren: I'm very fond of enormous pants, music that combines elements of heavy metal and rap, and most of all, skateboarding.
- Phil: [to Gus the tailor] If you don't mind, I like my tailors to be called 'Antonio'.
- Molly: [to Mike and Nancy] When I listen to the two of you sing that song, I feel like I'm--what's the best way to put this?--wanting to kill myself.
- Carol: [on the ferris wheel] Who can say no to a large, mechanical wheel?
- Ed: [to Mike, describing his moment with Carol] That was a movie kiss, a movie kiss my friend! I was Humphrey Bogart and Cary Grant rolled up into one.
- Warren: [watching Kenny bowl towards 300] A chance to witness perfection. Last time I did that, I was doing shirtless sit ups in the mirror.
- Kenny: [using his senile great-grandfather`s parting words] I'll see ya when I see ya unless I see ya when I see ya.
- Phil: [as Ed departs with an irate Carol] My man Bosco's about to get a good ole fashioned ass chewin'.
- Dennis: [at the midnight duel for Carol] On the count of three, you and I are gonna start pounding the crap out of each other with these cricket bats.
- Warren: [about Carol] She's so bootylicious as a middle aged woman, I tremble to think how she must've been when she was young.
- Ed: [about Carol] I kissed her, right? Plant the ole seeds of doubt? She fought it all summer and now she can't fight no mo'.
- Mark: I like being a loser because we can brood and feel things deeply and make fun of the winners.
- Warren: [to Ed] Right up until you nailed that hot DA a couple years ago, I thought you were as gay as a French horn.
- Carol: [to Ed, on his denial of her engagement] I am desperate for you to accept that...because if you don't, it's the end of us.
- Mike: I'm thrilled you seem to have gotten over Carol. I'm concerned that you seem to have fallen in love with a man.
- Phil: [about Eli] Look at him squirm now that the chair's on the other foot...or should I say ass?
- Phil: [on Eli's forfeit] I've enjoyed a lot of victories in my life but for some reason, this one is particularly sweet.
- Frank: [to Ed] I didn't find happiness on the road...I was happy before I left.
Charlotte and Wilbur
- Warren: That's why God put me here, assuming there is a God and he puts people places.
- Mike: Can't talk. Eating fried pie. Experiencing nirvana.
- Eli: The future's going to throw things at you, like it or not. I say 'Bring it on'.
- Molly: [to Warren] Are you here to join us or are you going to strip naked and show us your number two pencil?
- Rich Vessey: [discovering his colon polyp is benign] Well hello red meat and cigars!
- Molly: [to Carol, about Ed] If you care enough about the person, you may never get over it.
- Molly: [to Ed] Is your brain made out of linoleum all of a sudden?
May the Best Man Win
- Carol: Oysters are pretty blank in the brain department, especially when they're fried.
- Molly: [narrating a slide show] Here's Carol and Dennis becoming a 'we'.
- Phil: [to Ed, thinking Jen is a stripper] Jennifer. Huh. How do these dancers come up with these names?
- Mike: [to Ed, on why he and Dennis will never be friends] You hate that Carol's marrying him and he hates that Carol should be marrying you.
- Phil: [about Ed's work ethic] I thought, hmmmm, he must be Amish.
- Mark: [to Warren] You have created a level of lameness that can only be recreated under pure laboratory conditions.
- Warren: [eating ice cream with Stella at the cemetery] Here we are enjoying all this creamy deliciousness and there they are, dead.
- Warren: I fear losing my virginity would compromise my intense spirituality.
- Warren: [about Stella] She's about as white as a trout's belly.
- Warren: [examining prophylactics with Mark] Imagine something this ornate coming at you.
- Carol: [on Ed's gift of a tuning fork] It's time for me to get 'back in tune'. Isn't that so clever it just makes you sick!? When it comes to hackneyed freshman comp symbolism, no one does it like Edward Stevens!
- Shirley: [planning how to get Ed and Carol together] We could slip them a mickey. I don't know what exactly a mickey is, but I do know you slip them to people.
- Ed: I'm going to proceed to pummel Mike with my bare fists till the soul rises from his body, then I'm going to grab his soul by the neck and start giving it open handed slaps-
- Eli: [to Ed] You ain't gonna fire no brother in a wheelchair!
- Phil: Or a very, very light skinned brother who's allergic to cat dander.
- Ed: Carol, in my opinion, you and I have only one problem and that problem is you're in love with me but you're too afraid to admit it to yourself.
- Carol: My honest opinion is you're in love with some ideal version of me that I can't possibly live up to.
- Mark: [during his medical checkup with Mike] Far be it for me to criticize your bedside manner, but I do believe that was a sigh of despair you just heaved.
- Mike: Mark, if you don't do something, and do it now, you're going to die.
- Shirley: [complimenting Mark on his Santa] You inhabit the role with a breezy confidence.
- Warren: [to Mark, about his health] What am I supposed to do, shut up and watch you kill yourself?
- Lloyd Stevens: [to Ed] You like that I'm the screw up brother...You really don't like me, Ed, and that's ok, because I'm not that crazy about you either.
- Nancy: [On Mike's preparations for the Recliner Rally] I love a man with ripped ankles.
- Carol: [Still trying to convince Molly to apply to be principal] You have an opportunity to shine and you're terrified.
- Sam: [To Phil, rejecting his proposed ad campaign] You're just not likeable.
- Molly: [Sharing her philosophy of helping students] Kicking ass, doing nothing, and throwing frogs.
- Shirley: [About drilling holes into bowling balls] Two are serviceable. One is an insult to the art form.
- Mark: [To Mike] The hungrier I am, the more I need to make up for it with bitter sarcasm.
- Warren: [When asked what his favorite thing is] Girls, ladies, women, any of those...
- Molly: [Bonding with SHS students] Hack on, you wacky hackey sackers.
- Frankie: [To her boyfriend] And this is the famous Ed Stevens.
- Ed: If I were really famous, you wouldn't have to say my name.
- Frankie: [On why she didn't come in early for work] If you show up at 4:30 for a six o'clock dinner party, for the rest of your life, you're the weird guy.
- Phil: [Pleased to learn Frankie is signing on] Ever since Kenny left, there's a real lack of sexual tension here.
- Molly: [After Carol is hit on by a guy] Looks like Miss Vessey's gonna get some afternoon delight.
- Dr, Jerome: [To Mike] I'll do what I want, when I want, you thick witted pelican, and if you don't like it, you can either kiss my ass or write your congressman.
- Dr. Jerome: [To Mike, offering him his old job] What do you say, Chim-Chim, you wanna come home again?
Hyenas & Wildebeests
- Mike: [Preparing to bowl his third straight strike] It's just a giant yo yo, release it and pull the string.
- Molly: [To a parent of a bullied student] Mr. Nowell, your son is a geek. He's smart and he's witty and he's sensitive. All rare and wonderful qualities to have, but when you're 15 they get you duct taped to a locker.
- Nancy: [When asked what words Carol used to describe Rich] Adjectives mostly. She better have used adjectives, she's an English teacher right?
- Eli: [To Ed, about his reaction to Extreme Bowling] You kill me with that surprised look on your face after you leave Phil here all day by himself. I got 3 things to say: insurance, insurance, insurance.
- Molly: [To Carol] We can either be the person that everyone wants us to be or we can be the person we want to be.
- Ed: [To the prosecutor]]' The judge ordered you to get me those files by yesterday morning and it's now today morning!
- Frankie: [To a witness] No chance Danny was wearing, say, a red leotard?
- Molly: [On her advantage over Ryan] He gives me the cold shoulder, I give him detention.
- Warren: [To Stella, who seems not to remember him] Warren...Cheswick...we almost did it that time... You offered to shine your love upon me...
- Warren: [Wishing he could win Stella's heart] God I wish I was a wunderkind! If I could get the arts and leisure section of the New York Times to label me a wunderkind.
- Warren: [To Stella] I'm a red blooded 18 year old American male. You can't just offer an American male a chance to fornicate and then just turn him down.
- Warren: [To Peter] Just out of curiosity, is it that you can't paint a painting that looks like anything or is it that you just don't want to?
- Shirley: [About Eli's refusal to eat duck eggs because they come out of a duck's ass] Eggs don't come from the ass, per se.
- Shirley: Ed, I think you ought to know that Frankie is in your office, bawling her eyes out in a most unprofessional manner. Shall I fire her for you?
- Ed: [to Frankie] The relationships that you struggle with never work out in the long run. The ones that work, just plain work.
- Warren: [to Mark, about his night with Stella] Last night, I, Warren P. Cheswick, became a man!
- Warren: [to Stella] Where do you want to live? When I graduate high school?
- Mark: [to Warren about Stella] You're acting like a puppy who just tasted his first Snausage.
- Shirley: [describing her missing Mexican Jumping bean] It looks like a regular bean but every now and then it bounces in a particularly disappointing way.
- Phil: [as president, in Ed's dream] Mr. Vice President, there is nothing more important than the day a boy becomes a man in the eyes of God.
- Mike: [reliving high school, in Ed's dream] Can I put my collar down now?
- Ed: [on his version of ebonics, in his dream] I'm just a white guy from Ohio, I'm doing the best I can here.
- Phil: [as president, in Ed's dream] Say the word and I will Air Force One our asses to Cancun.
Business As Usual
- Nancy: [about Mike and Dr. Jerome] They're like two nine-year-olds fighting over a Zagnut bar.
- Dr. Jerome: With all due respect, Mrs. Burton, your husband is a slack jawed llama.
- Nancy: [explaining the consequences if Mike and Walter don`t get along] Dr. Jerome I will break into your house in the middle of the night and beat you with my bare fists.
- Carol: [describing Frankie] Hello I'm a sweet little pixie one minute, and I'm a hot little pixie the next.
- Nancy: [to Mike, pondering Ed's qualifications for babysitting] Well, he's no weirder than you are and you're her father.
- Nancy: [to Ed about her daughter] If anything happens to her, I'll make it my life's work to destroy everything you hold dear.
- Mike: [feeling Linda`s hands, kept smooth with her own moisturizer] Yup, pretty moist there Linda.
- Shirley: [to Phil, about Eli's arrival] Before he came, you were a cold narcissistic cipher. Now you seem almost human.
- Ed: [to Mike, as hecontemplates buying a "how to" guide] I'm sure you're simply a fantastic lover.
- Mike: [after wowing Nancy in bed] Men don't understand love making is a delicate blend between soul and flesh.
- Mike: [to Nancy, who complained that he is not willing to make extra effort in the bedroom] You have been getting steak all week and are complaing about a turkey club now?
- Molly: [to Carol, refusing to let her give up on Ed] If you give up, I will kill you with my bare hands, which we both know I can do 'cause I?m quite a bit stronger.
- Warren: [to Stella, as she breaks up with him] Panic is the enemy, Stella, panic is the enemy!
- Ed: [on Carol's intentions] She just wants to bat me around like a kitty cat with a half dead mouse.
- Carol: [to Ed] Can you tell me you are 100% certain that you do not want to be with me? Because if you can, just say the word and I will walk right out that door.
- Mike: [about his office] This is where all the magic happens, if you call throat cultures magic.
- Dr. Jerome: Excuse me, Dr. Burton, I hate to interrupt, but I need you in the exam room. Could you please take your thumb out of your ass and join me?
- Mike: [after Nancy said that Mike's co-ed friend was a babe and a half] She was nothing compared to my wife, who's a babe and three quarters.
- Ed: [to Carol] Everywhere I went, I saw us... I love you. I love every part of you.
- Carol: Can I please kiss you now?
- Carol: [on why she isn't inviting Ed in] Tonight was absolutely perfect and I want to remember it just exactly as it is.
- Mike: [finding out that Willie Butch costs $1000] Lineage!? I'm buying a dog, not the Prince of Wales!
- Mike: [on learning Willie Butch`s pedigree is not all it was cracked up to be] I paid for the caviar of dogs and got the Starkist.
- Mike: Do you think Willie Butch knows I'm human or does he just think I'm a really talented dog?"
- Shirley: They're pies with the selling power of hot cakes. It's the best of both worlds.
New Car Smell
- Mike: [about talking to Ed about Carol] I thought he was being an idiot, but of course, I couldn't come right out and say that..actually, I could come right out and say that.
- Ed: [to Carol, as she is moving in] Welcome to my humble abode... or as the plains Indians would say, my humble adobe.
- Warren: [about his history with Carol] We just...POW...you know, it was just this intense attraction that wouldn't, nay couldn't, be denied.
- Carol: [to Ed] I recognize the full irony in what I'm about to say, but do you think there's any way I can interest you in screwing the top back on the toothpaste?
- Mike: [when Nancy gets upset that he brings home low fat instead of skim] Look at the 98 percent of the milk I got right.
- Phil: [trying to convince Ed to hire him as a jockey] I'm actually deceptively light. I have the bone structure of a bird.
- Ed: If dreams are safe, then they're not really dreams, are they? They're plans.
- Ed: [to Carol] I might not always agree with you, but I will always be with you and I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out.
- Warren: [on his poor SAT score] One stupid test and I'm road kill on the highway of natural selection.
- Mike: [as Nancy chimes in on their conversation] That's what I love about her, Ed. She has no idea what I'm talking about and still she has an answer.
- Ed: '[about Carol's ex] Every time I picture this guy in my head, he's taking on a new superpower.
- Mike: [about Ed reading Carol's letters] Ed, you can't even see the line from where you're standing.
- Ed: [to Carol] We're a couple, but we can have a past.
Death, Debt, & Dating
- Warren: My loins must be teeming with life!
- Mike: [ripping tape off Warren`s bare chest] Suck it up. If you're man enough to get a woman pregnant, you're man enough to handle a little pain.
- Phil: [planning Mr. Fish's funeral] The man died on our watch. We can hardly afford talk of a cover up.
- Phil: [about Mr. Fish] He was here...and when he was here, he made damned sure you noticed him.
- Mike: [sneaking into Molly's office] I'm like a stealth bomber, invisible despite my size.
- Mark: Please note that the statements made by Warren Cheswick do not reflect the views of Mark Vanacore.
- Warren: [when Nancy asks he and Mark to do her a favor] You scratch our backs, we scratch yours. I don't have an itch just yet, but I'll let you know.
- Dr. Jerome: [demanding that Mike harass his granddaughter, a medical student] I want her tested. I want her ground into a fine powder and then we're going to add water to that powder and see if we have a medical student.
- Dr. Jerome: [describing a fresh-out-of-med-school Mike] You need to see what I saw when you lurched through my door for the first time: a big useless slab of rock.
- Mark: Next time I see a cool kid in the hall, I'll want to think 'moron' but now I'll think 'outstanding taste in web humor.'
- Ed: [explaining to Eli why he`s following Carol to New York] I'm not desperate, Eli; I guess you could say I'm in love.
- Warren: [on Carol`s announcement that she`s been offered a writing job at Bridge & Tunnel] Way to work it, Miss Vessey!
- Eli: [scaring off a prospective Stuckeybowl buyer] I'd have asked you to bowl a few, but I'm not sure if any other lanes are working -- unless you wanna bowl on the one a guy just died on.
- Molly: [toasting Carol at her going away party] Carol - kick some New York ass!
- Ed: [as Ed`s story about Carol`s move to NYC kicks into gear] I'm gonna need s'more root beer.
- Molly: [explaining the circumstances that led to her intimate encounter with Phil] My tale of woe begins one evening at Stuckeybowl.
- Ed: [after Carol explains that it`s out-of-fashion in NYC] Trucker cap, I hardly knew ye.
- Phil: [enticing Molly to participate in sliding down the hall of Stuckeyville H.S. in a puddle of soap suds] You wanna ride the serpent?
- Mike: [bursting Ed`s bubble after learning of his grandiose proposal plans] Ed, you can't propose like that -- it's cheesy.
- Russ Burton: [about a turkey fryer] This fine piece of modern technology is going to allow us to prepare a Thanksgiving turkey the way the good Lord above intended.
- Mike: [to Ed] Say, 'Carol, will you marry me?' How's that for a plan?
- Shirley: [calculating how many turkeys are needed to feed 30 people] You need 12,000 turkeys.
Just a Formality
- Ed: [about talking to Carol's father] If you're gonna ask a man for his daughter's hand in marriage, the least you can do is put on a suit and tie and buy him a steak.
- Rich Vessey: [responding to Ed's request for his blessing] I'll think about it, and I'll let you know.
Home For Christmas
- Mike: [about Ed closing Stuckeybowl] At the end of an era, all the great ones from Laverne and Shirley to Mary Tyler Moore, they all do the slow turn, nod and hit the lights.
Back in the Saddle
- Shirley: [on why Ed's ex-wife is in town] I surmised that she needs a kidney.
- Phil: She wants to break up your impending nuptials with one Miss Carol Vessey. It's cat fight time, meow.
- Eli: [to Jennifer] You wanna know how a dude in a wheelchair gonna make you scream and holler like a damn werewolf.
- Toby: This Ed comes off like some sort of race car driver.
- Phil: [to Eli, on Dalton Locke hanging up on him] You didn't even drop the F-Bomb!
- Ed: [as he and Carol decide where to honeymoon] Gracias or Mahalo?
- Molly: [about Ed's ex-wife] Yes! You. Talk to Liz. Unless you want to kick her ass. In which case I will be there to see it.
- Carol: Nah. She is weak. I am mighty. Wouldn't be fair.
- Mike: [being metaphorical trying to get Gunter to be comfortable about his supposed sexual preference] Two lilies together. Who am I to judge? Who is anybody?
- Dr. Jerome: [to Mike about his working while having the flu] I am not a veterinarian, Son. I do not have the wherewithal to treat all of these people when they come back in here with whatever strain of baboon flu you might have given them.?
- Carol: [to warren, after she catches him in the shower with Stella] If you tell anyone that you saw me naked, I swear to God I will kill you.?
- Warren: I feel like I should be able to call you Carol now.
- Carol: [on Stella`s assertion that Warren is an adult] Oh, please! Stella, look at him. He's raising his hand.
- Mark: [on the consequences of Warren`s tryst in Ed and Carol`s guest room] The wax melted and the wings came off? You flew too close to the sun, Icarus. Now you?re paying for it.
- Warren: [about seeing Carol naked] Ed, you have to know it was completely unintentional. There was never any intention to lay a hand on your intended. I swear to God those weren't my intentions.
Happily Ever After
- Ed: [regarding his and Carol`s desire to have a special, unique wedding] We want to be like the wedding equivalent of Cheers and right now it's more like Coupling.
- Mike: What's wrong with Coupling? I like that show. It's provocative.
- Carol: Can I bounce some of my wedding ideas off you?
- Molly: Bounce away, Sister!
- Shirley: [explaining to Phil why the term `fo shizzle` is no longer hip] Ever since Fran Dresher used it in an Old Navy commercial, African-American 'izzle'-speech has been on a rapid decline."
- Ed: [his wedding toast] I've always believed that life is divided into two parts: what is and what should be. And that, with a lot of effort, some hard work, and maybe a little luck, there are moments in your life when the two parts touch. When what is and what should be are the same. I guess I can't help but think that standing here next to Carol, next to my wife, and in front of all of you friends and family, all of us here inside this crazy, beautiful, dumpy old bowling alley which I love, I can't help but think that this is one of those times. And I thank you.
- Tom Cavanagh - Ed Stevens
- Julie Bowen - Carol Vessey
- Justin Long - Warren Cheswick
- Josh Randall - Dr. Mike Burton
- Jana Marie Hupp - Nancy Burton
- Lesley Boone - Molly Hudson
- Michael Ian Black - Phil Stubbs
- Rachel Cronin - Shirley Pifko
- Mike Starr - Kenny Sandusky (2000-2002)
- Michael Genadry - Mark Vanacore (2001-2004)
- Ginnifer Goodwin - Diane Snyder (2001-2004)
- Daryl Mitchell - Eli Goggins (2002-2004)