Cheers (TV series)
Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town. The show also spawned the character Frasier Crane, who went on to a TV show of his own, Frasier, after Cheers ended.
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Give Me a Ring Sometime [1.1]
- 1.2 Sam's Women [1.2]
- 1.3 The Tortelli Tort [1.3]
- 1.4 Sam at Eleven [1.4]
- 1.5 Coach's Daughter [1.5]
- 1.6 Any Friend of Diane's [1.6]
- 1.7 Friends, Romans, Accountants [1.7]
- 1.8 Truce or Consequences [1.8]
- 1.9 Coach Returns to Action [1.9]
- 1.10 Endless Slumper [1.10]
- 1.11 One for the Book [1.11]
- 1.12 The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One [1.12]
- 1.13 Now Pitching, Sam Malone [1.13]
- 1.14 Let Me Count the Ways [1.14]
- 1.15 Father Knows Last [1.15]
- 1.16 The Boys in the Bar [1.16]
- 1.17 Diane's Perfect Date [1.17]
- 1.18 No Contest [1.18]
- 1.19 Pick a Con... Any Con [1.19]
- 1.20 Someone Single, Someone Blue [1.20]
- 1.21 Showdown - Part 1 [1.21]
- 1.22 Showdown - Part 2 [1.22]
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Power Play [2.1]
- 2.2 Little Sister Don't Cha [2.2]
- 2.3 Personal Business [2.3]
- 2.4 Homicidal Ham [2.4]
- 2.5 Sumner's Return [2.5]
- 2.6 Affairs of the Heart [2.6]
- 2.7 Old Flames [2.7]
- 2.8 Manager Coach [2.8]
- 2.9 They Called Me Mayday [2.9]
- 2.10 How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Call You Back [2.10]
- 2.11 Just Three Friends [2.11]
- 2.12 Where There's a Will [2.12]
- 2.13 Battle of the Exes [2.13]
- 2.14 No Help Wanted [2.14]
- 2.15 And Coachie Makes Three [2.15]
- 2.16 Cliff's Rocky Moment [2.16]
- 2.17 Fortune and Men's Weight [2.17]
- 2.18 Snow Job [2.18]
- 2.19 Coach Buries a Grudge [2.19]
- 2.20 Norman's Conquest [2.20]
- 2.21 I'll Be Seeing You - Part 1 [2.21]
- 2.22 I'll Be Seeing You - Part 2 [2.22]
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 Rebound - Part 1 [3.1]
- 3.2 Rebound - Part 2 [3.2]
- 3.3 I Call Your Name [3.3]
- 3.4 Fairy Tales Can Come True [3.4]
- 3.5 Sam Turns the Other Cheek [3.5]
- 3.6 Coach in Love - Part 1 [3.6]
- 3.7 Coach in Love - Part 2 [3.7]
- 3.8 Diane Meets Mom [3.8]
- 3.9 An American Family [3.9]
- 3.10 Diane's Allergy [3.10]
- 3.11 Peterson Crusoe [3.11]
- 3.12 A Ditch in Time [3.12]
- 3.13 Whodunit? [3.13]
- 3.14 The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter [3.14]
- 3.15 King of the Hill [3.15]
- 3.16 Teacher's Pet [3.16]
- 3.17 The Mail Goes to Jail [3.17]
- 3.18 Bar Bet [3.18]
- 3.19 Behind Every Great Man [3.19]
- 3.20 If Ever I Would Leave You [3.20]
- 3.21 The Executive's Executioner [3.21]
- 3.22 Cheerio, Cheers [3.22]
- 3.23 The Bartender's Tale [3.23]
- 3.24 The Belles of St. Clete's [3.24]
- 3.25 Rescue Me [3.25]
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 Birth, Death, Love and Rice [4.1]
- 4.2 Woody Goes Belly Up [4.2]
- 4.3 Someday My Prince Will Come [4.3]
- 4.4 The Groom Wore Clearasil [4.4]
- 4.5 Diane's Nightmare [4.5]
- 4.6 I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday [4.6]
- 4.7 2 Good 2 Be 4 Real [4.7]
- 4.8 Love Thy Neighbor [4.8]
- 4.9 From Beer to Eternity [4.9]
- 4.10 The Bar Stoolie [4.10]
- 4.11 Don Juan Is Hell [4.11]
- 4.12 Fools and Their Money [4.12]
- 4.13 Take My Shirt... Please? [4.13]
- 4.14 Suspicion [4.14]
- 4.15 The Triangle [4.15]
- 4.16 Cliffie's Big Score [4.16]
- 4.17 Second Time Around [4.17]
- 4.18 The Peterson Principle [4.18]
- 4.19 Dark Imaginings [4.19]
- 4.20 Save the Last Dance for Me [4.20]
- 4.21 Fear Is My Co-Pilot [4.21]
- 4.22 Diane Chambers Day [4.22]
- 4.23 Relief Bartender [4.23]
- 4.24 Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 [4.24]
- 4.25 Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 [4.25]
- 4.26 Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 [4.26]
- 5 Season 5
- 5.1 The Proposal [5.1]
- 5.2 The Cape Cad [5.2]
- 5.3 Money Dearest [5.3]
- 5.4 Abnormal Psychology [5.4]
- 5.5 House of Horrors with Formal Training and Used Brick [5.5]
- 5.6 Tan 'N' Wash [5.6]
- 5.7 Young Dr. Weinstein [5.7]
- 5.8 Knights of the Scimitar [5.8]
- 5.9 Thanksgiving Orphans [5.9]
- 5.10 Everyone Imitates Art [5.10]
- 5.11 The Book of Samuel [5.11]
- 5.12 Dance, Diane, Dance [5.12]
- 5.13 Chambers vs. Malone [5.13]
- 5.14 Diamond Sam [5.14]
- 5.15 Spellbound [5.15]
- 5.16 Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 [5.16]
- 5.17 Never Love a Goalie: Part 2 [5.17]
- 5.18 One Last Fling [5.18]
- 5.19 Dog Bites Cliff [5.19]
- 5.20 Dinner at Eight-ish [5.20]
- 5.21 Simon Says [5.21]
- 5.22 The Godfather: Part 3 [5.22]
- 5.23 Norm's First Hurrah [5.23]
- 5.24 Cheers: The Motion Picture [5.24]
- 5.25 A House Is Not a Home [5.25]
- 5.26 I Do, Adieu [5.26]
- 6 Season 6
- 6.1 Home Is the Sailor [6.1]
- 6.2 'I' on Sports [6.2]
- 6.3 Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 [6.3]
- 6.4 Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 [6.4]
- 6.5 The Crane Mutiny [6.5]
- 6.6 Paint Your Office [6.6]
- 6.7 The Last Angry Mailman [6.7]
- 6.8 Bidding on the Boys [6.8]
- 6.9 Pudd'n Head Boyd [6.9]
- 6.10 A Kiss Is Still a Kiss [6.10]
- 6.11 My Fair Clavin [6.11]
- 6.12 Christmas Cheers [6.12]
- 6.13 Woody for Hire, and Norman of the Apes [6.13]
- 6.14 And God Created Woodman [6.14]
- 6.15 Tale of Two Cuties [6.15]
- 6.16 Yacht of Fools [6.16]
- 6.17 To All the Girls I've Loved Before [6.17]
- 6.18 Let Sleeping Drakes Lie [6.18]
- 6.19 Airport V [6.19]
- 6.20 The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit [6.20]
- 6.21 Our Hourly Bread [6.21]
- 6.22 Slumber Party Massacred [6.22]
- 6.23 Bar Wars [6.23]
- 6.24 The Big Kiss-Off [6.24]
- 6.25 Backseat Becky, Up Front [6.25]
- 7 Season 7
- 7.1 How to Recede in Business [7.1]
- 7.2 Swear to God [7.2]
- 7.3 Executive Sweet (1) [7.3]
- 7.4 One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape (2) [7.4]
- 7.5 Those Lips, Those Ice [7.5]
- 7.6 Norm, Is That You? [7.6]
- 7.7 How to Win Friends and Electrocute Yourself [7.7]
- 7.8 Jumping Jerks [7.8]
- 7.9 Send in the Crane [7.9]
- 7.10 Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back [7.10]
- 7.11 Adventures in Housesitting [7.11]
- 7.12 Please Mr. Postman [7.12]
- 7.13 Golden Boyd [7.13]
- 7.14 I Kid You Not [7.14]
- 7.15 Don't Paint Your Chickens [7.15]
- 7.16 The Cranemakers [7.16]
- 7.17 Hot Rocks [7.17]
- 7.18 What's Up, Doc? [7.18]
- 7.19 The Gift of the Woodi [7.19]
- 7.20 Call Me, Irresponsible [7.20]
- 7.21 Sisterly Love [7.21]
- 7.22 The Visiting Lecher [7.22]
- 8 Season 8
- 8.1 The Improbable Dream: Part 1 [8.1]
- 8.2 The Improbable Dream: Part 2 [8.2]
- 8.3 A Bar Is Born [8.3]
- 8.4 How to Marry a Mailman [8.4]
- 8.5 The Two Faces of Norm [8.5]
- 8.6 The Stork Brings a Crane [8.6]
- 8.7 Death Takes a Holiday on Ice [8.7]
- 8.8 For Real Men Only [8.8]
- 8.9 Two Girls for Every Boyd [8.9]
- 8.10 The Art of the Steal [8.10]
- 8.11 Feeble Attraction [8.11]
- 8.12 Sam Ahoy [8.12]
- 8.13 Sammy and the Professor [8.13]
- 8.14 What is... Cliff Clavin? [8.14]
- 8.15 Finally!: Part 1 [8.15]
- 8.16 Finally!: Part 2 [8.16]
- 8.17 Woody or Won't He [8.17]
- 8.18 Severe Crane Damage [8.18]
- 8.19 Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby [8.19]
- 8.20 Fifty-Fifty Carla [8.20]
- 8.21 Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh [8.21]
- 8.22 Loverboyd [8.22]
- 8.23 The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec [8.23]
- 8.24 Mr. Otis Regrets [8.24]
- 8.25 Cry Hard [8.25]
- 8.26 Cry Harder [8.26]
- 9 Season 9
- 9.1 Love Is a Really, Really Perfectly Okay Thing [9.1]
- 9.2 Cheers Fouls Out [9.2]
- 9.3 Rebecca Redux [9.3]
- 9.4 Where Nobody Knows Your Name [9.4]
- 9.5 Ma Always Liked You Better [9.5]
- 9.6 Grease [9.6]
- 9.7 Breaking in Is Hard to Do [9.7]
- 9.8 Bad Neighbor Sam [9.8]
- 9.9 Veggie-Boyd [9.9]
- 9.10 Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure [9.10]
- 9.11 Woody Interruptus [9.11]
- 9.12 Honor Thy Mother [9.12]
- 9.13 Achilles Hill [9.13]
- 9.14 The Days of Wine and Neuroses [9.14]
- 9.15 Wedding Bell Blues [9.15]
- 9.16 I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face [9.16]
- 9.17 Sam Time Next Year [9.17]
- 9.18 Crash of the Titans [9.18]
- 9.19 It's a Wonderful Wife [9.19]
- 9.20 Cheers Has Chili [9.20]
- 9.21 Carla Loves Clavin [9.21]
- 9.22 Pitch It Again, Sam [9.22]
- 9.23 Rat Girl [9.23]
- 9.24 Home Malone [9.24]
- 9.25 Uncle Sam Wants You [9.25]
- 10 Season 10
- 10.1 Baby Balk [10.1]
- 10.2 Get Your Kicks on Route 666 [10.2]
- 10.3 Madame LaCarla [10.3]
- 10.4 The Norm Who Came to Dinner [10.4]
- 10.5 Ma's Little Maggie [10.5]
- 10.6 Unplanned Parenthood [10.6]
- 10.7 Bar Wars V: The Final Judgement [10.7]
- 10.8 Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? [10.8]
- 10.9 Head Over Hill [10.9]
- 10.10 A Fine French Whine [10.10]
- 10.11 I'm Okay, You're Defective [10.11]
- 10.12 Go Make [10.12]
- 10.13 Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist [10.13]
- 10.14 No Rest for the Woody [10.14]
- 10.15 My Son, the Father [10.15]
- 10.16 One Hugs, the Other Doesn't [10.16]
- 10.17 A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff [10.17]
- 10.18 License to Hill [10.18]
- 10.19 Rich Man, Wood Man [10.19]
- 10.20 Smotherly Love [10.20]
- 10.21 Take Me Out of the Ball Game [10.21]
- 10.22 Rebecca's Lover... Not [10.22]
- 10.23 Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real [10.23]
- 10.24 Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! [10.24]
- 10.25 An Old-Fashioned Wedding [10.25]
- 11 Season 11
- 11.1 The Little Match Girl [11.1]
- 11.2 The Beer Is Always Greener [11.2]
- 11.3 The King of Beers [11.3]
- 11.4 The Magnificent Six [11.4]
- 11.5 Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman [11.5]
- 11.6 Teaching with the Enemy [11.6]
- 11.7 The Girl in the Plastic Bubble [11.7]
- 11.8 Ill-Gotten Gaines [11.8]
- 11.9 Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa [11.9]
- 11.10 Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl [11.10]
- 11.11 Love Me, Love My Car [11.11]
- 11.12 Sunday Dinner [11.12]
- 11.13 Norm's Big Audit [11.13]
- 11.14 It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Bar [11.14]
- 11.15 Loathe and Marriage [11.15]
- 11.16 Is There a Doctor in the Howe? [11.16]
- 11.17 The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover [11.17]
- 11.18 The Last Picture Show [11.18]
- 11.19 Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey [11.19]
- 11.20 Look Before You Sleep [11.20]
- 11.21 Woody Gets an Election [11.21]
- 11.22 It's Lonely on the Top [11.22]
- 11.23 Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses [11.23]
- 11.24 The Guy Can't Help It [11.24]
- 11.25 One for the Road [11.25]
- 12 Cast
- 13 External links
Give Me a Ring Sometime [1.1]
- Diane: [into telephone] Yes, I'll take a message.
- [Pause, then Diane hangs up the phone]
- Sam: Well?
- Diane: "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
- Sam: Thanks. What's the message?
- Coach: [to Diane] Oh, hi there.
- Diane: Hello.
- Coach: [noticing her luggage] I hope someone told you the bus goes by here.
- Sam: No, Coach, she's going to be sitting here for a while...
- Diane: [taps on her glass to get Sam's attention] Excuse me. I hate to keep asking for special attention, but could you not discuss my private life with everyone that comes in?
- Sam: What would you like me to tell them?
- Diane: I don't care.
- Sam: [to Coach] She's a hooker.
- Coach: Ah.
Sam's Women [1.2]
- Sam: My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.
- Diane: Because of me?
- Sam: Yeah, you're a snob.
- Diane: A snob!
- Sam: Yeah, that's right.
- Diane: Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.
- Sam: Well I would rather be that than a snob.
- Diane: Well I would rather be a snob.
- Sam: Good because you are.
- Sam: Well I guess I've, uh, I've never looked at your eyes.
- Diane: Is something wrong with them?
- Sam: No, I uh, I just don't think I've ever seen eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.
- Diane: Where?
- Sam: I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day – uh, last person off the slope – the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don’t uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn’t change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn’t really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn't work, huh?
- Diane: What?
- Sam: Intelligent women would see right through that.
- Diane: Oh...oh! In a minute!
The Tortelli Tort [1.3]
- Sam: How did you know that?
- Diane: Well I picked it up in pre-law.
- Sam: I thought you were an English major.
- Diane: Well that was after art and before psychology.
- Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
- Carla: Blonde.
- Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla.
- Ed: [trying to get Carla to react] Sam Malone was a terrible pitcher! Ted Williams was overrated! Bobby Orr was a WIMP!
- Sam: Uh, Eddie, Eddie, I'd stay away from hockey.
- Ed: Aha! I hit a sore spot, huh? Okay. [to a still-calm Carla] The Bruins… are a bunch of ugly… stupid… SISSIES!!!
- Sam: Come on, Ed! I mean, how much more do you need?
- Ed: [sighs] Okay, Sam. I'm gonna drop the whole thing. Time I leave here anyway.
- Rex: Here, let me walk you to your car.
- Ed: Who are you?
- Rex: I'm a Bruin.
Sam at Eleven [1.4]
- Diane: I'm sorry I was late, Sam. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
- Sam: Yeah, yeah but you wouldn't.
Coach's Daughter [1.5]
- Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
- Coach: Nothing is ever obvious to me.
- Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.
- Coach: You look just like your mother.
- Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.
- Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
Any Friend of Diane's [1.6]
- Diane: Rebecca, is there something wrong?
- Rebecca Prout: [sobbing] Oh Diane, you could always see beyond my facade of gaiety!
- Diane: You're offended because she considered you nothing but a stud service?
- Sam: No. I actually like that.
Friends, Romans, Accountants [1.7]
- Sam: Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?
- Norm: It started getting too rowdy.
- Cliff: I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.
- Diane: You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.
- Carla: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?
- Norm: [looking for a last-minute date for his boss] Carla, do you suppose...
- Carla: No no Norm, don't look at me. I got four kids and I sure ain't lookin' for any more.
- Norm: I didn't say to have sex with the guy.
- Carla: It doesn't matter. I'm what you call a fast breeder. A man winks at me, I'm three months along.
Truce or Consequences [1.8]
- Diane: What could happen?
- Sam: Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.
- Diane: Name calling, the last refuge of the monosyllabic.
- Carla: I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.
Coach Returns to Action [1.9]
- Coach: It's the damnedest thing. I've been shivering all the way over here.
- Diane: Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.
- Coach: Oh, thank god. I thought I had malaria.
- Diane: Well, what I can't fathom is how one can drink ice-cold beer in freezing weather.
- Norm: Cliff, explanation, please?
- Diane: Now, how do you know he has one?
- Norm: Five bucks says he does, ten says that it's a doozy.
- Cliff: When the British ruled the Punjab...
- Norm: Ten bucks, all the way.
Endless Slumper [1.10]
- Diane: [talking about how Sam was able to make the beer slide around the corner of the bar] Okay, how do you do it?
- Sam: Well it's just one of my two hidden talents. The other one is just as impressive.
- Diane: But you can hardly charge a buck for it.
One for the Book [1.11]
- Norm: [about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
- Carla: [about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.
- Buzz: What if I bought this guy a beer?
- Norm: Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips.
The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One [1.12]
- Cliff: [to Eric] We swear not a word you say will ever go beyond this room.
- Norm: We never go beyond this room.
- Carla: [to Eric] You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.
Now Pitching, Sam Malone [1.13]
- Diane: Sam, let's talk.
- Sam: There's nothing to talk about.
- Diane: It's important. Come back to the office now.
- Carla: Uh oh. Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.
- Everyone in the bar: [chanting] Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers, Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers....
- Sam: Listen before you came to work at this bar I never thought that much about morality and integrity. You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.
- Diane: Thank you, Sam.
- Sam: That's why I'm firing you. You can leave your apron right there on the counter.
Let Me Count the Ways [1.14]
- Coach: What's going on, Norm?
- Norm: Science is seeking a cure for thirst and I happen to be the guinea pig.
Father Knows Last [1.15]
- Cliff: Carla made love to a PhD from MIT?
- Coach: Hey look you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.
- Norm: Congratulations! Unless you didn't want another kid.
- Coach: Of course, she wanted the kid, Norm.
- Carla: Sure I do. What penniless unmarried mother of four wouldn't.
The Boys in the Bar [1.16]
- Sam: [about some gay customers] What do you think I should say to them?
- Diane: Oh well, it's very very simple. Just walk up and say hello we're a group of sniveling bigots and we don't care for your kind.
- Cliff: That's good.
- Carla: [about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.
- Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much, but a little.
Diane's Perfect Date [1.17]
- Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!
- Diane: I am not!
- Sam: You are too!
- Diane: I am not!
- Sam: You are too!
- Norm: Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?
No Contest [1.18]
- Coach: What can I do for you, Norm?
- Norm: I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?
- Diane: I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.
- Sam: Come on, don't feel so bad. Most people would have done it for the dry cleaning.
Pick a Con... Any Con [1.19]
- Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
- Diane: Why not? Last night I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
- Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.
- Coach: Let me give the sign.
- Sam: I don't know, isn't it kinda tricky?
- George: Well, he is the last person Harry would suspect to be in on anything clever.
Someone Single, Someone Blue [1.20]
- Coach: My friends call me 'Coach', but my other nickname is 'Red'.
- Helen: Why? Because your hair used to be red?
- Coach: No, because I read a book.
- Coach: What'll it be Norm?
- Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women.
- Coach: How about a beer?
- Norm: Even better.
Showdown - Part 1 [1.21]
- Carla: Hey Sam, you want me to hang around until your date gets here?
- Sam: No, you probably want to get on home.
- Carla: Are you kiddin'? It's two a.m., my kids might be there.
- Sam: Listen I think you and Derek will make a great match.
- Diane: Really?
- Sam: Yeah, you both think you're perfect and one of you is right.
Showdown - Part 2 [1.22]
- Diane: Coach, do you think I'm a smart person?
- Coach: You're the smartest person I ever met.
- Diane: Well, I, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship to the Sorbonne, have allowed myself to become attracted to a six foot three inch bubble gum card.
- Coach: Well gee, I think I can help you out with the sore buns Diane, but...the rest of what you say is all over my head!
- Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
- Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son-of-a—
- Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth!
- Diane: Make me!
- Sam: Make you?... My God I'm, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
- Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow... or should I say funnier?
- Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one! Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
- Diane: You disgust me! I hate you!
- Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
- Diane: More!
- Sam: Bet me. [They kiss, fade to black]
- Sam: Now I'm going to nibble on your ear.
- Diane: Don't tell me you're going to nibble on my ear...
Power Play [2.1]
- Cliff: The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
- Coach: Like Colorado?
- Cliff: No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.
- Norm: [chuckling] Last time around, I must have made a real ass out of myself.
- Diane: You've been with a lot of women.
- Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.
- Diane: How many have there been?
- Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun- [Diane gasps] Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.
Little Sister Don't Cha [2.2]
- Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
- Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.
Personal Business [2.3]
- Sam: First of all nobody resigns from a bar and second of all nobody resigns in Latin.
- Cliff: It's French, Sammy.
Homicidal Ham [2.4]
- Diane: [about Andy Andy] We, mostly I, can save this man's life.
- [Andy is strangling Diane, dressed as characters from "Othello".]
- Diane: Help, this psycho is trying to kill me!
- Coach: That's the only line from Shakespeare I ever understood!
Sumner's Return [2.5]
Affairs of the Heart [2.6]
- Sam: [Calling Carla in a hotel room, worried Hank may die if he's allowed to have sex with her] What should I say?
- Norm: Ask her to look next to her and count the dead people.
Old Flames [2.7]
- Diane: Sam, if brains were money you'd have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.
Manager Coach [2.8]
- Diane: Coach has lost his sweet disposition. he's turned into a tyrant.
- Sam: Yeah, but he's winning Diane and winning is the most important thing here.
- Diane: Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.
- Sam: Well good then, you won't mind losing this argument.
- Diane: Over my dead body.
- Sam: Hey, don't bring last night into this.
- Sam: Boy I'd love to Mort but I don't have any time around here. I spend half my life trying to keep this bar on its feet and the other half trying to keep Diane off hers.
They Called Me Mayday [2.9]
- Norm: How do you keep so trim, Carla?
- Carla: Sex.
- Coach: You mean sex is the greatest exercise.
- Carla: Nah, I miss it so much I can't eat.
How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Call You Back [2.10]
- Cliff: [trying to scratch a bikini off a card] There's something wrong here. I can't get the bikini off my girl.
- Norm: Story of your life, big guy.
- Diane: [to Sam] When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you're just clearing your throat.
Just Three Friends [2.11]
- [Diane enters Cheers with a friend.]
- Diane: This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.
- Carla: Meet her this morning?
- Sam: I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience saying no to women. The closest I've come is "Not now, we're landing."
Where There's a Will [2.12]
- Sam: This isn't an IOU. It's a bunch of writing I don't understand. That's what this is.
- Diane: Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam?
- Sam: No, it's English.
- Diane: In your case that qualifies.
- Guy: You must have a high threshold for pain.
- Coach: I don't know the meaning of the word.
- Guy: Pretty tough guy there, huh?
- Norm: No, no, he doesn't know what threshold means.
Battle of the Exes [2.13]
- Carla: I know everything about you, Malone.
- Sam: Yeah, right.
- Carla: Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.
- Sam: Right across the board. You do know me.
- Carla: A lot better than you know me.
- Sam: Yeah?
- Carla: Yeah.
- Sam: Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.
- Carla: I didn't think anybody knew that.
- Sam: I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.
- Carla: What?
- Sam: You go to Mass every Sunday.
- Carla: Who squealed on me?!
- Diane: I thought you were seeing someone.
- Carla: His fingerprints grew back. He had to leave the country.
No Help Wanted [2.14]
- Diane: You know Cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time bomb.
And Coachie Makes Three [2.15]
- Coach: How about tellers? You take tellers. They never tell you anything. They always ask questions. And interest, there's nothing interesting about it at all. It's boring. Oh and then the trust department, they got all the pens chained down to the tables. What kind of trust is that?
- Carla: When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.
- Norm: How's that?
- Carla: It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.
Cliff's Rocky Moment [2.16]
- Sam: [on the phone] Can you tell me which is the more dominant flower: the Mountain Lilly or the Black-Eyed Susan?
- Cliff: It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?
- Norm: What?
- Cliff: Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.
Fortune and Men's Weight [2.17]
- Sam: It's a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.
- Coach: What's your most troublesome problem, Norm?
- Norm: Well that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. My problem is I've never been happier.
Snow Job [2.18]
- Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
- Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
Coach Buries a Grudge [2.19]
- Diane: Coach, come on. You have to find a way to put this behind you. Angela and T-Bone are both in heaven now.
- Norm: Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there.
Norman's Conquest [2.20]
- Carla: Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?
- Diane: We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a little difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.
- Cliff: What a pathetic display..Sometimes I'm ashamed God made me a man.
- Carla: I don't think God's doing a whole lot of bragging about it either.
I'll Be Seeing You - Part 1 [2.21]
- Norm: I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.
- Sam: [about being named one of the sexiest bachelors] Besides it gave me a chance to air some of my political issues.
- Diane: What political issues did you air your views on?
- Sam: I told them I thought nuclear war would be bad news.
- Diane: Oh Sam, you stirred up a hornet's nest there.
- Sam: Really? Well I can always say I was misquoted.
- Diane: Oh, I see when they say eligible bachelors they mean eligible for a brain transplant.
I'll Be Seeing You - Part 2 [2.22]
- Diane: Oh my God Sam, I've made you a babbling idiot.
- Sam: Who are you calling a babbling idiot?
- Diane: You don't have to get upset. I'm actually criticizing myself.
- Sam: You just called me a babbling idiot and you're criticizing yourself? Do me a favor let me criticize me for awhile. You're sickening.
- Diane: Do you know the difference between you and a fat, braying ass?
- Sam: Nope.
- Diane: The fat, braying ass would.
- Sam: Speaking of fat, braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours.
- [Diane slaps Sam, he slaps her back]
- Diane: How dare you slap me!
- [Diane slaps Sam again, he slaps her back again]
- Diane: Don't you ever hit me again!
- Sam: Like hell.
- [They carry on slapping each other]
Rebound - Part 1 [3.1]
- Sam: I didn't start drinking when she left, I was celebrating. [to Diane] Celebrating the day I got rid of you. You hear that everybody?
- Everyone: Celebrating.
- Diane: Well let me tell you something, Sam. I have two birthdays now. One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.
- Sam: Just one more time: you did not walk out of here. I kicked you out and I would do it again except that no man deserves that much pleasure in one's life.
Rebound - Part 2 [3.2]
- Frasier: Carla, why do you keep building walls between you and everyone else?
- Carla: Have you taken a good look at everyone else [in the bar]?
- Frasier: Touché.
- Diane: Oh Frasier, I think I'm going to come back to work here.
- Frasier: What?! No no no no no no. Listen as Frasier Crane M.D. I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you. And as Frasier Crane. Man I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.
- Sam: I could get out of prison after twelve years, serve on an all male ship for another four and be dropped on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters day after day and if one day Diane walked out of the surf naked, all I'd want from her is the hockey scores.
- Diane: And you wouldn't even get that!
I Call Your Name [3.3]
- Sam: Is there anything I can do?
- Diane: No. This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.
- Carla: He wants you to wear a padded bra?
- Carla: Eddie's got an extra ticket to the RV show for tonight, Coach. How's that sound?
- Coach: Terrific.
- Carla: Well go ahead. I'll cover for ya.
- Coach: Hot dog!
- Carla: Some luck, huh Eddie?
- Eddie: Well, I guess I'm not going to get a good night kiss.
- Carla: You might if you're nice to him.
Fairy Tales Can Come True [3.4]
- Diane: I haven't had such a good time since uh....
- Sam: That's okay. I know when you stopped having a good time, Diane.
- Diane: It goes without saying I would have had a better time if I had gone with Frasier.
- Sam: Me too.
- Coach: Boy Doc, you tell great stories.
- Frasier: That was Poe.
- Coach: Don't be modest, it was great.
Sam Turns the Other Cheek [3.5]
- Carla: What a night. Two hundred bucks in tips.
- Coach: What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?
- Carla: I am going to spend it all on my kids.
- Coach: Good girl.
- Carla: How many gunny sacks and one way tickets do you think it will buy?
- Diane: It's nice to know you draw the line somewhere.
- Sam: There are three types of women I don't get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.
- Norm: [to Cliff] He's added one.
Coach in Love - Part 1 [3.6]
- Carla: You know I don't ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.
- Sam: Coach, I'm gonna be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm lookin' for in a woman.
- Diane: What's that? Break-away clothes?
Coach in Love - Part 2 [3.7]
- Sam: You heard from Irene?
- Coach: Well not for awhile but you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony anyway. Are you?
- Sam: No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country at least.
Diane Meets Mom [3.8]
- Hester Crane: [referring to Diane] I understand you used to date that woman.
- Sam: That's right.
- Hester: How much would it take to start things up again?
- Sam: You don't have enough money.
- Hester: How do you know?
- Sam: There isn't enough money.
An American Family [3.9]
- Carla: Nick, what the hell do you want?
- Nick: Hey, is that the kind of hello I deserve?
- Carla: No, bend over and I'll give it to you.
- Nick: I need a simple favor.
- Carla: Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.
Diane's Allergy [3.10]
- Sam: I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.
- Diane: Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who who has to write "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.
- Sam: Isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?
- Diane: No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.
Peterson Crusoe [3.11]
- Norm: Hey, hey, hey... stop laughing at my pal here, huh? This guy had the only dream more ridiculous than mine.
- Cliff: Oh, yeah?
- Norm: A lot more, I might add.
- Cliff: Is that right, Marco Rollo?
- Norm: Hey, I've gotta buy a drink for The Great Cliffini.
- Cliff: Oh, next round is on me for Ferdinand Ma-jelly-belly!
- Norm: Listen to The Flying Rear-end-a!
- Cliff: Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?
- Diane: [about Carla] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.
- Sam: You do have that effect on people.
A Ditch in Time [3.12]
- Diane: [about Amanda] Maybe I'm being an alarmist. She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.
- Carla: You're out.
- Diane: You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.
- Sam: I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.
- Diane: I don't think you dumped me.
- Sam: Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.
- Cliff: Yeah, he's got six.
- Diane: Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.
- Carla: There's some things he doesn't know about me.
- Diane: Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?
- Carla: Well I haven't been completely honest about my kids.
- Diane: What haven't you told him about your kids?
- Carla: That they live.
- Sam: There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this very classy guy. Second, your pal has been avoiding you two like the plague. Of course that's the lesser of the two mysteries.
- Frasier: Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know dating a common barmaid.
- Sam: You're dating a barmaid.
- Frasier: Well she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.
- Sam: Oh that's right. She was a lunatic.
The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter [3.14]
- Carla: How come you're not going on that fishing trip, Coach?
- Coach: I don't like the smell of them.
- Carla: Yeah, fish stink.
- Coach: No, the guys. Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck. Who needs it?
- [the gang took Frasier on a snipe hunt; he returns and wants them to go out again; Diane takes him into the office]
- Diane: There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.
- Frasier: I know that.
- Diane: What?
- Frasier: Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.
- Diane: So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you.
- Frasier: Yes.
- Diane: Frasier, how devious. But, why didn't you tell me?
- Frasier: Well, I couldn't trust you; you'd have thought it was too cruel.
- Diane: Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.
- Frasier: No, but it's what guys do, darling… we screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.
King of the Hill [3.15]
- Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
- Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.
- [The guys in the bar are ogling the Playboy models]
- Diane: Oh, this is disgusting. What kind of culture do I live in where they are the ideal woman?
- Coach: Well, gee, Diane. You've gotta admit: they are beautiful.
- Diane: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies... and what have you got?
- Carla: You.
Teacher's Pet [3.16]
- Coach: [about Sam] I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time. He sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note and still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
- Diane: Miss Purdy?
- Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school-teacher.
- Diane: And Sam is her favorite?
- Coach: Well, uh, I can't say that; but, uh, Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
- Diane: They kiss?
- Coach: Yeah. I saw them smoochin' in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
- Diane: With probing tongues?
- Coach: No, Diane. With a thumbtack and my thumb.
- Diane: Oh, my God. The thing I feared most has happened.
- Carla: Your Living Bra died of boredom?
The Mail Goes to Jail [3.17]
- Cliff: As long as I'm carrying this bag there's one thing that will never touch these lips.
- Carla: You mean there's something that wants to?
- [To help a sick Cliff, Norm offers to deliver the rest of the mail on Cliff's route]
- Cliff: Ah, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.
- Norm: What qualified? You drop ‘em in a slot. A chimp could do it.
- Cliff: You're kiddin', no way. They did a study at the University of Michigan – chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything...
Bar Bet [3.18]
- [A "Jacqueline Bisset" is coming to Boston; Sam needs her to marry him to win the bet]
- Sam: I guess I ought to wear something kinda nice – my best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream about me what am I wearing?
- Diane: An anthill.
- Carla: Hey, wait. I got an idea.
- Diane: You mean you actually conceived something besides a child.
- Carla: Whoa... a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.
Behind Every Great Man [3.19]
- Norm: Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".
- Cliff: Bef? No, you mean beef.
- Norm: Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic – what – meat-like substance.
- Cliff: Ah, no.
- Norm: What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?
- Diane: Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.
- Frasier: Hmm.
- Diane: Hmm, what?
- Frasier: Hmm, this is suspicious. I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.
- Diane: Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.
- Frasier: Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!
If Ever I Would Leave You [3.20]
- Diane: Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour Dr. Frasier Crane.
- Nick: Doctor of what. Can you get any pills?
- Frasier: I'm a psychiatrist. Have we met? You wouldn't, by any chance, be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's Fair?
- Nick: No, but you're not the first person to ask me.
- Nick: [about Carla being pregnant] Hey, you got a guy, Carla?
- Carla: No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information, I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.
The Executive's Executioner [3.21]
- Sam: What will you have, Norm?
- Norm: Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
- Sam: It looks like beer, Norm.
- Norm: Call me Mr. Lucky.
- Norm: [commenting on Sam and Diane's former relationship] Hey would you two mind if we move on to something a little more interesting than your star-crossed romance?
- Carla: Come on, Norm. What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "Young and the Chestless"?
Cheerio, Cheers [3.22]
- Frasier: Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.
- Sam: Europe? Overseas?
- Diane: Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.
- Sam: Listen to me. I'm sincere about this, I like you two and I want to see you both happy.
- Diane: Thank you, Sam.
- Sam: After all just because the two of us didn't travel well-
- Diane: When did we ever travel?
- Sam: Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.
- Diane: Well it helps that you knew the language.
The Bartender's Tale [3.23]
- Sam: Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalogue day?
- Cliff: And that's not all, Spiegel's catalogue came out the same day. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.
- Diane: Oh, Frasier, a letter from Cheers. No, wait... it's a Lillian Huxley's resume and a note: "Ha, ha! You're out of here forever!" Always nice to hear from Carla.
The Belles of St. Clete's [3.24]
- Cliff: There's a lovely young thing. Perhaps I should just go and make my move.
- Carla: Yeah go ahead and faint.
- Diane: I'm sorry, Sam. What was I saying?
- Sam: You don't know either? We gotta have a rule around here-when you speak at least one of us has gotta be listening.
Rescue Me [3.25]
- Cliff: I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.
- Carla: Gee and you're such a whiz with people.
- Sam: Well do you think I should go through with this?
- Norm: I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.
- Sam: I'm goin'.
- Norm: That's what I'd do.
Birth, Death, Love and Rice [4.1]
- Sam: Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
- Woody: Hi ma'am.
- Carla: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
- Woody: I believe it's a term of respect.
- Carla: No wonder it sounded so weird.
- Sam: What do you say, Norm?
- Norm: Any cheap tawdry thing that will get me a beer.
Woody Goes Belly Up [4.2]
- Frasier: Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.
- Carla: It's not exactly AT&T, is it?
- Frasier: I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.
- Carla: For you, that's three flights up.
- Sam: Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.
- [Woody is shy when a woman tries to pick him up]
- Sam: Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.
- Cliff: Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.
- Carla: You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?
Someday My Prince Will Come [4.3]
- Cliff: Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.
- Carla: And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.
- Diane: For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.
- Sam: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
- Diane: What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.
- Sam: Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
- Diane: Yes.
- Sam: Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
- Diane: Not entirely.
- Sam: Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?
- Diane: [smiling] No Sam, I can't.
The Groom Wore Clearasil [4.4]
- Anthony: Forget him, my father's a bum.
- Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.
- Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.
- Carla: That's better.
- Sam: Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.
- Anthony: No, no, I love her.
- Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.
Diane's Nightmare [4.5]
- Carla: Diane, I heard screams.
- Diane: Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.
- Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?
- Diane: No.
- Carla: Was I helping in any way?
- [after Andy leaves the bar, Diane follows Sam into the office]
- Diane: Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.
- Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."
- Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?
- Sam: I think you heard me.
- Diane: Yes, but YOU said it.
- Sam: [puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?
I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday [4.6]
- Diane: I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.
- Sam: How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.
- Cliff: Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.
- Diane: Eight, I was premature.
- Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.
2 Good 2 Be 4 Real [4.7]
- Sam: Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.
- Carla: What?
- Sam: [withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.
- Carla: Let me see. Come on.
- Sam: What's the magic word?
- Carla: Gelding!
- Sam: That's the one. [gives her the letter]
- [Carla starts out the door with Vinnie]
- Carla: So, um, you like kids, huh?
- Vinnie: Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.
- [Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]
- Sam, Diane, others: Carla!
- Carla: It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]
- Carla: Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?
- Vinnie: Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
- Carla: You're weird... I like that.
Love Thy Neighbor [4.8]
- [Carla's cousin, Santo Carbone, the detective has been meeting with Norm and Phyllis]
- Santo: Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.
- Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.
- Santo: You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
- Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.
- Santo: My cousin – she's a pistol.
- Phyllis: Oh, Norm. Where did we go wrong?.
- Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering: why did she lose interest in me?
From Beer to Eternity [4.9]
- Sam: Bowling?
- Carla: I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.
- Sam: Carla...
- Carla: Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.
- Norm: All right. We're number one.
- [Cliff is showing off his new sunglasses]
- Cliff: Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.
- Carla: You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
- Cliff: How would you know? They only work on women.
- Carla: They seem to have given you courage.
The Bar Stoolie [4.10]
- Sam: Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?
- Diane: Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.
- Sam: Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.
- [Cliff's dad, on the run from the law, leaves secretly]
- Norm: What do you supposed happened to him?
- Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)
- Carla: But, you're ruling out the other possibility.
- Cliff: What other possibility?
- Carla: Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
- Norm: It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.
- Carla: That's right.
- Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
- Carla: Have it your way.
- Cliff: Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.
- Woody: It's not?
- Cliff: Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.
Don Juan Is Hell [4.11]
- [Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]
- Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?
- Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?
- Diane: That's you.
- Sam: You're not gonna use my name?
- Diane: Of course not.
- Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?
- Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.
- Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?
- Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.
- Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?
- Diane: Yes. How old were you?
- Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?
- Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?
- Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.
- [Diane's class is visiting the bar to meet "Trevor"]
- Sam: Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?
- Barry: Barry.
- Sam: Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.
- Barry: Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.
- Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?
Fools and Their Money [4.12]
- [Sam agrees to place Woody's bet with a bookie; Woody starts to untie his shoe]
- Norm: Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.
- Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.
- [Sam wants to tell Diane that he didn't place Woody's bet]
- Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.
- Diane: What's her name and how many months?
Take My Shirt... Please? [4.13]
- [Diane enters]
- Diane: Hello, everyone.
- [Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]
- Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?
- Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
- Diane: Yeah. Thanks.
- [Diane reenters]
- Diane: Hello, everyone.
- Everyone: Norm!
- Diane: [pauses] That's better.
- Carla: [to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?
- Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?
- [Sam comes out of his office; Diane notices a strong smell]
- Diane: Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
- Sam: No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.
- Diane: Ah, the big bottle.
- [The gang discusses the stranger in the bar]]
- Sam: Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?
- Norm: I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?
- Cliff: Ah, could be.
- Sam: Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?
- Diane: You're an idiot!
- Sam: That would be four, then.
The Triangle [4.15]
- Sam: You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.
- Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.
- Sam: Oh good, what?
- Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do, give me his name.
- Diane: Do this for me and I'll owe you a big big favor. That doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.
- Sam: How about sex?
- Diane: Or sex.
Cliffie's Big Score [4.16]
- Carla: [about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.
- Diane: Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...
- Sam: Yourself.
Second Time Around [4.17]
- Frasier: Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin: MD, PhD, EDD, APA.
- Woody: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.
- Candi: What's your name?
- Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
- Candi: I'm Candi.
- Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
- Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
- Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.
The Peterson Principle [4.18]
- Norm: Mr. Reinhardt. Hi, sir. What a coincidence that you caught me in here. I was just using the washroom.
- Mr. Reinhardt: At ease, Peterson. We know you spend a lot of time here. This is where we send your checks.
- Norm: It's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
Dark Imaginings [4.19]
- Diane: Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Methinks the man doth protest too much.
- Woody: Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks"?
- Carla: Not in your case, Woody.
- Carla: Sam Malone never ages. It's one of life's great truths. Let me tell you something Sammy, when you're 87 you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course I'll be senile and blind.
- Sam: And pregnant.
- Carla: Yeah, probably.
Save the Last Dance for Me [4.20]
- Nick: Hello sweetcakes. You been thinking about me?
- Diane: Only during flea and tick season.
- Nick: Well in my neighborhood, that's all year round.
- Diane: I'm sure it is.
- Carla: [on dancing with Nick] It was a magical moment. You know it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.
Fear Is My Co-Pilot [4.21]
- Diane: [about Jack Dalton] There's not much to say. He's a man I dated a bit in Europe.
- Woody: Was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin?
- Diane: After.
- Frasier: How long after?
- Diane: Days.
- Woody: Mr. Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.
- Jack: Some people say I have a death wish. Far from it, I have a life wish.
- Cliff: So does Normy.
- Norm: What?
- Cliff: He wishes he had one.
Diane Chambers Day [4.22]
- Diane: Dennis Kaufman is a brilliant puppeteer. He does a wonderful Punch & Judy.
- Carla: He better have a wonderful punch, if he's going to dress like Judy.
Relief Bartender [4.23]
- [Business isn't doing well at Cheers now that Sam is the host]
- Sam: I'll think of something.
- Cliff: Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.
- Sam: That's not bad.
- Carla: Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.
- Sam: You've got a lovely body.
- Carla: [pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.
- Sam: I'll think of something.
- Diane: Well I don't know what.
- Sam: You don't have my brain.
- Diane: Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.
- Sam: The Fraternal Order of the Caribou are sending a group over.
- Diane: Great. Loud-mouthed, rowdy conventioneers. drinking like fish, swearing like sailors and putting their paws all over us.
- Carla: Yeah, happy birthday to me.
Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 [4.24]
- Cliff: [to Janet Eldridge] I will deliver you the postal vote.
- Carla: Yeah, too bad it will be to the wrong address.
- Diane: [about Sam] I think he might be hurt by this liaison with Janet Eldridge.
- Carla: Yeah you're right. He's havin' a lot of laughs and a hot time with a beautiful woman. The man is a glutton for punishment.
Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 [4.25]
- Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
- Norm: Okay Woody, but be sure to stop me at 1. Ah, make that 1:30.
- Janet: Since things are over between you and Diane, I wonder why she still continues to work here.
- Sam: She's gotta work someplace.
- Janet: She owe you money that's she trying to work off?
- Sam: No.
- Janet: Would you lose customers if she leave?
- Sam: No. As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.
Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 [4.26]
- Woody: Looks like Sammy got his walking papers. I know how he feels.
- Norm: Yeah I think we've all been there before, Woody.
- Cliff: Well it's never happened to me, so I guess I'll just have to imagine it.
- Norm: Cliffie, you actually have to go with someone before you can get dumped.
- Woody: How you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
- Norm: Pour.
- Woody: I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Norm: [pointing to the beer tap] No, I meant pour.
The Proposal [5.1]
- Diane: Sam?
- Sam: Did you notice that?
- Diane: Notice what?
- Sam: Everything just got calm.
- Diane: I don't notice any difference.
- Sam: Oh, yes, yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. [pause, looking up] Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. [pointing to the stars] And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like you.
- [Sam takes a step towards Diane.]
- Diane: Am I going overboard again?
- Sam: No, no, no. Don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye bye, Diane.
- Diane: Where are you going?
- Sam: I'm going to swim ashore.
- Diane: You can't do that.
- Sam: Very well, I’ll take the dingy. See how quickly the new Sam adjusts.
- Diane: You're going to just leave me out here all alone?
- Sam: Yes, I am.
- Diane: [sighs] Sam. Sam Malone, if you leave me out here all alone, you are the most despicable creature on Earth!
- Sam: Well, I... y'am what I y'am, and that's all that I y'am.
- Norm: Are you in pain, Woody?
- Woody: No, I was just thinkin'.
- Norm: Yeah, the first time's always the worst.
- Woody: Who do you think Sam's gonna propose to, tonight?
- Carla: What're you babblin' about, Billy Bob Joe Jim?
The Cape Cad [5.2]
- Sam: The one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.
- Diane: I'm the only one here.
- Sam: Well you're looking at me.
- Diane: You can either join me or I can eat with my eyes closed.
- Sam: I see what you're doing here. You're trying to plant a seed in my brain.
- Diane: Oh don't be silly. I know of nothing that grows in solid rock.
Money Dearest [5.3]
- Woody: My first bachelor party. No dates, right?
- Carla: Hey, Fitzie, thanks for that $20 tip last night. I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.
- Mr. Fitzgerald: Carla, I know that your favors are not for sale.
- Carla: See, that's what I mean about the wrong idea.
Abnormal Psychology [5.4]
- Lilith: I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help. Or perhaps a girlfriend.
- Frasier: And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.
- Frasier: Don't you see?! What these two people, who are such geniuses at romance, are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some sort of Pavlovian dog. So, why don't you just oblige them. Get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives.
- [Lilith takes down her hair and fixes it to where it is over her shoulders.]
- Lilith: You mean like this?
- Frasier: [lustful] Precisely. You know what?
- Lilith: What?
- Frasier: I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you hard and I'm going to kiss you long. But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you. In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never--
- [Lilith throws her arms around Frasier and kisses him in a long embrace.]
- Frasier: Yes. Like that. Now, listen, Lilith. I think you and I have just been too articulate for words. We talk and we talk when what we really want to do is show how we feel.
- Lilith: I think, Dr. Crane--
- Frasier: Look, I don't care what you think. We both wanna be animals. Now, I'm going back to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it.
- [Frasier starts towards the door. He stops right next to Lilith.]
- Frasier: Well, I-I suggest you come with me.
- Lilith: I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr. Crane, and I just want you to know...[breathes heavily] It worked.
- [Lilith jumps into Frasier's arms.]
- Lilith: Let's go.
- [Frasier carries Lilith out of Cheers.]
House of Horrors with Formal Training and Used Brick [5.5]
- Carla: Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.
- Sam: What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.
- Carla: No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?
- Sam: More. Much much more.
- Carla: I knew it.
- Norm: Have you checked out the rest of the place yet?
- Carla: No, I thought it might be a good idea to have a beer first.
- Norm: Yeah, I find that pretty much applies to everything.
Tan 'N' Wash [5.6]
- Sam: You wore your socks in the tanning booth?
- Cliff: Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.
- Carla: With faces to match.
- Diane: Sam, may I have your ear for a moment?
- Sam: Yeah, just don't leave any bite marks.
Young Dr. Weinstein [5.7]
- Frasier: You didn't want to eat there anyway, Sam. The waiters pride themselves on rudeness. The portions are too small and it's exorbitantly overpriced.
- Sam: You couldn't get in either?
- Frasier: Not till April.
- Cliff: Today marks the beginning of my seventh year as a United States postal carrier.
- Norm: Woody, I think that calls for a little drink on the house. What do you think?
- Woody: I think you're right, Mr. Peterson.
- Norm: What the hell, give Cliffie one too.
Knights of the Scimitar [5.8]
- Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
- Norm: Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire. Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11.
- Sam: Diane, change.
- Diane: Not for you or any man.
- Sam: No, no Diane. Change: nickels, dimes, quarters.
Thanksgiving Orphans [5.9]
- Sam: Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn't it?
- Woody: I think if you check Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.
- Diane: What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart with holiday cheer?
- Carla: Opening yours with a can opener.
Everyone Imitates Art [5.10]
- Woody: You know I was thinking about this the other day and I think in my next life I'd like to come back as the President of France.
- Norm: Why is that, Wood?
- Woody: Well I think it would attract a lot of business to the bar.
- Carla: I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.
- Sam: That seems serious to me.
- Carla: His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.
- Woody: If he was smart, he would have that removed.
The Book of Samuel [5.11]
Dance, Diane, Dance [5.12]
- Diane: [watching her video] All my life I wanted to dance so badly!
- Norm: Looks like you got your wish.
Chambers vs. Malone [5.13]
- Sam: [to Diane] They can stop me from killing you, but they can't stop me from marrying you.
- Sam: Father, do you believe in the afterlife?
- Priest: Yes, my son. I do.
- Sam: Well, good. Maybe I can find her there, and, get her again.
Diamond Sam [5.14]
- Frasier: Sam, this has gone too far. I think it's time you told her the truth.
- Sam: The truth? And you call yourself a psychiatrist.
- Frasier: Something tells me Diane's not the type of woman who'd want a ring from a jeweler who starts every business transaction with "Pssst, buddy."
- Carla: [about Nick] He knows women like a jeweler knows jewels; like a meat-cutter knows meat.
- Loretta: Like a marine biologist knows Marines.
Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 [5.16]
- Carla: No way some guy like that ends up with me.
- Sam: Will you stop cutting yourself short. You offer a lot of things to a guy.
- Carla: Oh yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead end job, and fallen arches.
- Sam: You know, if I wasn't already engaged...
- Sam: What about Frasier? Frasier you look like you could use a pick me up.
- Frasier: A hockey game? No, thank you. I've been to a bullfights in Spain and I've been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one life.
Never Love a Goalie: Part 2 [5.17]
- Norm: We were thinking maybe somebody's got to tell Carla that she's jinxing Eddie.
- Sam: And what suicidal idiot did you have in mind to do that?
- Norm: Well your name kept coming up.
- Diane: How can a man tell a woman he loves her and yet try to kill her?
- Sam: I can see it.
One Last Fling [5.18]
Dog Bites Cliff [5.19]
- Madeline: I'd like to help with the doctor bills.
- [Cliff looks at Sam.]
- Sam: That's good.
- Cliff: [to Madeline] That's good.
- Madeline: Anything to help ease the burden on you and your family.
- [Cliff looks at Sam again.]
- Sam: You're not married.
- Cliff: [to Madeline] You're not married. [Sam taps Cliff on the shoulder.] I mean I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to. Right, Sam?
- Sam: Sure.
Dinner at Eight-ish [5.20]
- Frasier: [to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful, I can hardly stand to look at you now.
[Diane and Lilith are in the bathroom.]
- Frasier: I should have done this earlier.
- Sam: What are you doing?
[Frasier locks the bathroom from the outside]
- Lilith: What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing? Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?
- Diane: Sam, open the door.
- [Fraiser offers Sam a cigar]
- Frasier: Macanudo?
- Sam: Don't mind if I do, thank you.
- Frasier: You know, I can't stand all this caterwauling, let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I, Claudius on tape.
- Sam: Great, I love gladiator flicks.
Simon Says [5.21]
- [Simon enters the bar and spots Frasier]
- Simon: [sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.
- Frasier: [sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.
- Both: [sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.
- Woody: Sam should I call the police?
- Frasier: No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.
- Simon: And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.
- [Sam and Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]
- Diane: Doctor, there's still one thing you haven't considered...
- Simon: [flustered] OK. Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world. [shouts out the window] Hear this, world! The rest of you can stop getting married! It's been done to perfection! [gesturing to the furniture] Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record! [talks into his tape recorder] "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.
- Diane: [turns to Sam, beaming] See?
The Godfather: Part 3 [5.22]
- Diane: Oh Sam, it's never too early to start thinking of name for our children.
- Sam: It is if you're thinking about the name Emil.
- Diane: What's wrong with Emil?
- Sam: A meal is something you eat. It's not something you name your kid.
- Sam: The point is you've got to get to know each other better if you're going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you're sick and tired of each other; then you're ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we'd wait another five.
Norm's First Hurrah [5.23]
- Diane: Norman, may I talk to you for a minute?
- Norm: Yeah, sure. What's up?
- Diane: You make me sick. You're a quitter, Norman! No, you're worse than that, you're a non-starter. You don't even try. You sit around the bar all day, you sit around your house all day, you sit around here all day, you sit around life all day! How are you going to feel at the end of your life when you're lying-no, make that sitting, on your death bed and you realize the only thing you've done in your life was sit around, and watch people do things, make things out of their lives? Well, maybe you're right, Norman. Maybe you're not meant for success, maybe you're meant for exactly what you are-nothing.
- Norm: Diane, you have no right to say that to me.
- Diane: Oh, Norman, I only said those things because I care about you.
- Norm: You must care an awful lot about me.
- Diane: Yes, I do. We all do. We're your friends, Norman, and we're all tired of seeing you give up so easily.
- Diane: [After Thompkins steals Norm's proposal to the Board of Directors] Now now, Norman, you can't let this faze you, all right? You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
- Norm: No no, Diane. Look, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter, what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm so sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal". I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.
- Diane: Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this before.
- Norm: That's because I believe in this, Diane. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.
Cheers: The Motion Picture [5.24]
- Sam: You're just in time to see our masterpiece.
- Diane: Should I alert Pauline Kael?
- Sam: Well if you want to, but tell her to get her butt in gear. We're about to start.
- Sam: Hey Diane, shoot the damn film.
- Diane: Would you tell Fellini, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Antonioni, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Bergman, shoot the damn film?
- Sam: No, I'm telling you. Shoot the damn film.
- Carla: Better yet, shoot the damn Diane.
A House Is Not a Home [5.25]
- Sam: That's it. We have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted. The china you wanted. The crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have a duvet cover on my bed. I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?
- Diane: May I remind you we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon.
- Sam: Big deal. Who isn't?
- Sam: I'm not ready to own a home. You got to work up to that.
- Norm: Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix, gutters to clean. Then every couple of years you've got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly I don't know where Vera gets the energy.
- Frasier: Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Norm: Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? Well thank God I'm not.
I Do, Adieu [5.26]
- Sumner: Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
- Woody: Gee, I hope she's not sick.
- Sumner: No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the literature department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.
- Woody: Hey don't worry about it. That's all I did in school too.
- Sam: Hey, have a good life.
- Diane: Have a good life?
- Sam: What?
- Diane: Well, that's something you say when somethings over. Sam, I'm going away for six months. That's all. So no more of this 'Have a good life' stuff.
- Sam: You never know. You could die, I could die, the world could end. One of us could bump our heads and wander the streets the rest of our lives with amnesia. Or maybe, one of us will decide we want something else.
- Diane: None of those things will happen. I'll be back here. I will. I'll see you in six months, OK?
- [Diane exits Cheers]
- Sam: Have a good life....
Home Is the Sailor [6.1]
- Sam: [about Diane] I was afraid I was going to walk in here today and see her face everywhere I looked. Instead what I saw was all these silly changes you made.
- Rebecca: I happen to think it's...
- Sam: No, no, it's good. It helped me. What I'm trying to say is this place is the closest thing I have close to a real home. I want to come back. Please.
- Rebecca: I'm very sorry, Mr. Malone. I wish I could help.
- Rebecca: [to Sam] Alright, I'll give you another chance. But I want to make something very clear - you've just got one chance left, and as far as I'm concerned, again, in baseball-ese: bottom of the 9th, you've got 2 outs, 2 strikes...and no balls.
'I' on Sports [6.2]
- Rebecca: Well you used to be the boss. How did you feel when people lied to you?
- Sam: I had a rule, when anyone ever lied to me they had to go to bed with me.
- Rebecca: That's one way to make sure it won't happen again.
- Sam: What am I going to do about this?
- Frasier: Sam, may I suggest deception?
- Cliff: Well hold onto your horses there, Frasier. I mean as a psychiatrist isn't your job to seek and uphold the truth?
- Frasier: Get real, Cliff.
Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 [6.3]
- Eddie: What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.
- Sam: Yeah, I had twins once and it was the happiest day of my life.
- Woody: Hey Sam, what are you concocting there?
- Sam: You know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are, I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good luck wedding punch. It never fails.
- Woody: Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?
- Sam: [pause] Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet?
Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 [6.4]
The Crane Mutiny [6.5]
- Frasier: Here's to the most beautiful woman in the world. [Lilith throws the glass of wine in his face] Let me guess, you read the letter.
- Lilith: (furious) Yes, I read the letter, you licentious quack! And what facile tripe it is! "We both need time to grow, to develop as people!". Who is the slut!?
- Frasier: SHE'S NO SLUT! [quails slightly at Lilith's scowl] What slut? Well, I mean, look...it was all a mistake, it's just a big mistake...
- Lilith: Oh, you bet it is, mister! You want your freedom!? I'll give you freedom...FROM YOUR TEETH! [She picks up a dish and takes aim at Frasier]
- Frasier: NO, LILITH! Not the Royal Doulton!
Paint Your Office [6.6]
The Last Angry Mailman [6.7]
- Esther: Oh look there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours.
- Cliff: It's cause you always locked the door on me, Ma.
- Esther: Well look at the result. You're a very polite young man.
- Sam: How you been there, Frasier?
- Frasier: You know how it is for a psychiatrist this day in age. Divorces. Hopelessness over financial situations. Rampant paranoia. Thriving, never better.
Bidding on the Boys [6.8]
- Frasier: [about Lillith] Oh God I'm losing her, Sam.
- Sam: Will you stop that? You're my friend, I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
- Frasier: What about Diane?
- Sam: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?
- Frasier: Well, yes, but gee whiz.
- Cliff: You can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.
- Carla: In a plain brown wrapper?
Pudd'n Head Boyd [6.9]
- Carla: Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks now. When are you going to stop this nonsense.
- Woody: Carla, as an understudy I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moments notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours but I wouldn't expect you to understand.
- Carla: Why? Cause I'm not in the theater?
- Woody: No, because you don't wear makeup.
- Frasier: We had oodles of fun and we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.
- Cliff: You lost weight on a cruise? I thought there were wall to wall meals?
- Lilith: There's also wall to wall waves.
A Kiss Is Still a Kiss [6.10]
- Sam: What's got you so upset?
- Frasier: Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.
- Cliff: Sounds like a shoot out at the Cuckoo Corral.
- Sam: How's life treatin' ya?
- Norm: It's not Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
My Fair Clavin [6.11]
- Sam: [to Rebecca] What do you say? Shall we strip down to our smiles and show the couch here a good time?
- Cliff: Oh, hey. Did you notice the pool on the way in?
- Woody: Yeah.
- [Norm chuckles]
- Cliff: So when summer rolls around and all those girls are out there in their French-cut bikinis, I don't have to tell you where I'll be.
- Norm: Standing right here with a pair of binoculars?
- Cliff: That's right.
Christmas Cheers [6.12]
- Carla: [about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.
- Sam: Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.
- [Carla gives Sam a stare.]
- Sam: I've got some shopping to do!
- Sam: Hey Carla. I got a present for Rebecca.
- Carla: [noticing the woman with Sam] I see you picked up a little package for yourself, too.
- Sam: Hey, why not? I've been a good boy, and it's just what I asked for.
Woody for Hire, and Norman of the Apes [6.13]
- Sam: What are you doing there?
- Woody: Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.
- Sam: Yeah, but what are those?
- Woody: Finger sandwiches. You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.
- Sam: Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.
- Woody: Yeah right.
- Cliff: Hey Normy. You ever feel like we're getting in a rut here?
- Norm: What do you mean, Cliff?
- Cliff: I mean we come in the same bar, sit in the same stools, drink beer night after night. I mean there's gotta be something more to life.
- Norm: Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing bar stools with you.
And God Created Woodman [6.14]
- Sam: [about Rebecca] This is getting insulting. You know I don't think she respects us.
- Woody: What do you mean "us", Sam? You're the one who goofed up that champagne thing.
- Sam: Come on, man. We're a team.
- Woody: Is that the insulting part?
- Rebecca: Isn't it amazing how Carla's labor pains always seem to coincide with Celtic home games?
Tale of Two Cuties [6.15]
- Rebecca: Did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?
- Sam: They're two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.
- Rebecca: Who do they look like, Carla or Eddie?
- Woody: Well they're twins, they kind of look like each other.
Yacht of Fools [6.16]
- Cliff: Check out Mr. Evan Drake over there acting like he owns the place, huh. Thinks he's just some big shot corporate executive.
- Frasier: Well actually Cliff if it helps to alleviate this envy that seems to be eating you up right now studies have shown that rich people are 40 to 50% less happy than most of us.
- Sam: Oh come on. That's a crock.
- Frasier: Of course it is. But we have to cling to it, don't we?
To All the Girls I've Loved Before [6.17]
- Lilith: I have a small favor to ask regarding our impending wedding. since all of my close friends will be out of town and we have had a previous conversation and our eyes have met on a number of occasions I was wondering if you'd consent to be my maid of honor.
- Rebecca: Oh I'm very flattered. I guess so. Sure Lila.
- Lilith: Lilith.
- Rebecca: Right right. I knew that.
- Sam: Around here when guys get together to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy.
- Woody: You fellas ever dress up farm animals in women's clothing?
- Sam: No
- Woody: Then I'm one up on you.
Let Sleeping Drakes Lie [6.18]
- Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
- Norm: A little early, isn't it, Woody?
- Woody: For a beer?
- Norm: No, for stupid questions.
- Frasier: You know as my old professor used to say, "If you can't laugh at your patients, what fun are they?"
Airport V [6.19]
A bar critique has asked Rebecca out for dinner and is not pleased
- Rebecca: Sam, he (the critique) wants me to compromise myself
- Sam: Honey,we all do.
Carla refuses to let Frasier help her conquer her fear of flying.
- Carla: I am not gonna wind up in your office,strapped to some tables with some electricity shots going through my head.
- Frasier: Carla, that's not part of the therapy.
- Carla: Oh yeah? What about Diane?
- Frasier: Now look, I never treated Diane with any kind of shocks. (to Sam) Of course now I wish I had.
The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit [6.20]
- Drake: I'll be straight with you, Sam. Sure, we originally hired you to pitch for the softball team. But actually you turned out to be somewhat of a surprise.
- Sam: Oh?
- Drake: Yeah, yeah. You're a much better hitter than we anticipated.
- Rebecca: [Sarcastic] Rah, rah, rah.
- Sam: Hey, you know, I never knew that you were a cheerleader. Although I've always admired your pom poms.
Our Hourly Bread [6.21]
- [After Rebecca says Cheer's is in danger of shutting down due to costs.]
- Norm: Well, maybe it isn't exactly my place to say this. But, Cheers means about as much to me as much as anyone here. This is pretty bad news. I'd say bad news like this deserves a sympathy round of drinks on the house.
- Norm: Senior bartender huh? Well, Woods, you know a little promotion like that kind of deserves a round of drinks on the house.
- Woody: Ah, gee, Mr. Peterson, I'd love to. I'm real sorry, but gosh I just don't think I'd better.
- Norm: Boy, give a guy a title and he turns into a fascist.
Slumber Party Massacred [6.22]
- Cliff: How's married life treatin' ya? Quite a change, huh?
- Frasier: Well you know Lilith and I did live together a year before we wed so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.
- Carla: For the first time in my life when morning comes around I want to open up my eyes instead of my wrists.
- Eddie: That's beautiful, honey.
Bar Wars [6.23]
- Carla: We've still got something that Gary can't take away.
- Norm: Our pride?
- Carla: Hell no. We never had that.
- Carla: I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.
- Cliff: Why don't you marry him?
The Big Kiss-Off [6.24]
- Frasier: To recap; sitting in the bar today we have among others a man who is actually simple enough to hypnotize himself. I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all. [Sam enters wearing a military uniform] Happily I stand corrected.
- Frasier: Explain this to me. If the winner is going to get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get?
- Cliff: Well, um, A kiss from Norm!
- Norm: Then of course, there is no loser.
Backseat Becky, Up Front [6.25]
- Sam: Does anyone know how to drive a limo around here?
- Woody: Oh I've driven a tractor, it can't be that different.
- Rebecca: Excuse me Sam, I'm being beckoned.
- Sam: Listen, if this is what you think it is, can I give you some advice?
- Rebecca: What?
- Sam: If you're going to make an ass of yourself, take it outside.
How to Recede in Business [7.1]
- Sam: [to Rebecca] The way I see it, you haven't had a date with a guy for about two and half years. Now I think this date of ours could be good for me but sweetheart, I got to say it's looking real necessary for you.
- Sam: Speaking of Mercedes, I'm kind of known as the Mercedes of guys.
- Rebecca: Really? I always thought you were more of a cheap pickup with a headlight missing.
Swear to God [7.2]
- Rebecca: [about Sam] What does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.
- Carla: Rebecca, will you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.
- Rebecca: You're just saying that.
- Carla: Yes, I am. I was taught to humor old folks.
- Sam: So believe it or not I've given up sex entirely. But you've got to promise not to tell anyone.
- Frasier: Well Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. Besides, who'd believe it?
- Cliff: Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. You see, that's the only way we can prove we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
- Frasier: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?
Executive Sweet (1) [7.3]
- Rebecca: What the hell's in the box?
- Woody: Those are my bees, Miss Howe.
- Rebecca: Enough said.
- Woody: Can I keep them in there until the end of the day?
- Rebecca: Sure, anything you want. In my mood I'll agree to anything.
- Sam: Sounds like my cue.
- Sam: [to Rebecca] Let's try this. Have sex with me 25 times and if the end of the night you're still not sure then I won't say another thing.
One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape (2) [7.4]
- Cliff: [about Martin] How does a guy so young get to be so incredibly powerful?
- Woody: I just try to maintain a cheerful attitude and try not abuse my position.
- Norm: I hate to change the subject but I don't know if anyone recognizes, we seem to have a little problem here.
- Woody: Oh you need another beer, Mr. Peterson.
- Norm: Okay we have two problems here.
Those Lips, Those Ice [7.5]
- Sam: You must be gettin' pretty excited.
- Carla: Yeah, I thought that ice show would never get back to Boston. It has been tough. He [Eddie] misses me. The kids miss him. Not to mention that I happen to be at my sexual peak.
- Sam: You've been there since you were 12.
- Carla: When you find a place you like, why leave it?
- Eddie: Hey, are the kids home? I haven't talked to them since I got back. I want to give them a call.
- Carla: Oh yeah go ahead. Just make sure you identify yourself by name. Just saying "It's dad" leaves too much confusion.
Norm, Is That You? [7.6]
- Lilith: You should be decorating professionally.
- Norm: Doing you folks a favor is one thing. Anymore of this interior decorating junk could really eat into my reputation as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.
- Frasier: But Norm, you have a gift.
- Norm: A gift? Try a curse, pal. I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to put the ottoman.
- Norm: I can't go on with this any longer. I wanted to be your decorator so I pretended to be who I thought you wanted me to be but it's time I came out of the closet. I'm straight.
- Robert: Impossible.
- Norm: Ever since I was a little boy I've known that I prefer girls. But the point is I think you should judge people for what they do not for who they do.
How to Win Friends and Electrocute Yourself [7.7]
- Norm: [about their conversation] Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?
- Frasier: Well frankly it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say where is Cliff anyway?
- Sam: Yeah, is he still in the hospital?
- Norm: I don't know. How's he doin'?
- Sam: I thought you were gonna go see him.
- Norm: Well I tried. I mean I got as far as the hospital lobby but you know that smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [motions for a beer refill]
- Rebecca: The Globe's doing an article on women who run pubs and now he wants to take my picture. I really dread this.
- Sam: Why?
- Rebecca: Because I get so tensed up in front of a camera. All of a sudden I look like something the cat coughed up.
- Carla: Oooh, can I have an 8x10 for my mantlepiece?
- Rebecca: How about a 2x4 for your bridgework?
Jumping Jerks [7.8]
- Rebecca: [about sky diving] I just think it's really exciting - the danger of drifting through space. You know, talk about a turn on.
- Sam: Please do.
- Sam: Fellas it's late. You've had a few beers, you'll agree to anything.
- Norm: Damn right, we will.
Send in the Crane [7.9]
- Sam: I'm sittin' at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie. The mother reaches over and grabs my knees and says "Sam, I want you." Then I feel the daughter reach over and grabs the other knee and she says "I want you too, Sammy."
- Norm: Well yeah yeah.
- Sam: Then I woke up. You know what this dream means don't you?
- Norm: It means you even dream better than we do.
- Sam: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time.
- Carla: Sammy first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish, and second of all, that was one chick.
Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back [7.10]
- Carla: Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.
- Woody: They wouldn't do that.
- Carla: They did it to me. But I got the best of them.
- Norm: How's that?
- Carla: [laughing] I loved it.
- Woody: Hey Mr. Peterson there's a cold one waitin' for ya.
- Norm: I know, and if she calls I'm not here.
Adventures in Housesitting [7.11]
- Sam: Let me see here, Rebecca Howe all alone and scared in a big old house. Sounds to me like a job for Sammy's Security Company, we get in before the burglars do!
- Carla: That's what I like about you Sam; your pants are always thinkin'.
- Rebecca: Sam, did you come out here because you were concerned I was scared? Or did you come out here to get me in the sack?
- Sam: Hey I came out here because I was concerned and scared that I would never get you in the sack.
Please Mr. Postman [7.12]
- [Rebecca passionately kisses Norm]
- Rebecca: I don't know what got into me. Please apologize to Vera.
- Norm: Are you kidding? After that, Vera should apologize to me.
- Cliff: Was it my imagination or was that woman coming on to me?
- Norm: Cliffie, Walt Disney should've had your imagination.
Golden Boyd [7.13]
- Woody: Who wants to see a rich boy get his butt whooped?
- Carla: Wait a minute, I can't leave. If you're gonna fight, go fight in the back. But remember, you've got to bus your own blood.
- Kelly: Oh hi. I hope I'm not too late. I heard my boyfriend was coming here to fight that nice bartender.
- Carla: Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer.
I Kid You Not [7.14]
- Cliff: It's sad to say that kids unaccepted by their peers really never learn how to get along with people in the big grown up world.
- Norm: Why is that, Cliff? 'Cause they keep boring everyone an driving them crazy with long speeches filled with meaningless statistics?
- Cliff: Yep! 63% of them live lives of quiet desperation.
- Norm: How about those who sit next to them?
- Cliff: You know any female that rides around with Sammy in the car ends up going straight to bed with him.
- Rebecca: I've ridden in that car.
- Norm: Right.
- Rebecca: Well I didn't go to bed with him.
- Norm: Right and they always deny it afterwards.
Don't Paint Your Chickens [7.15]
- Cliff: As a business man you really have a lot to be desired. You know you haven't had a job in three months.
- Norm: Cliff, you're absolutely right. I could do something about that or I can sit right here and feel sorry for myself and nurse this beer all day. Since I'm already here...
- Rebecca: Well, everyone, you are looking at a winner.
- Carla: You were the best kisser upper? Gee what does that trophy look like?
The Cranemakers [7.16]
- [A pregnant Lilith enters the bar.]
- Lilith: Lay your hands upon me everyone, I am life. I am mother. My man's seed is nourished within me. [To Sam] Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating.
- Sam: Boy, I tell ya, this is kind of a first for me, uh, but I'm gonna pass.
Hot Rocks [7.17]
What's Up, Doc? [7.18]
- Sam: What kind of problem should I make up?
- Carla: Well how about this, I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.
- Norm: Anything come of it?
- Carla: Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.
- Norm: Or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.
- Carla: You are a failure.
- Norm: Then I've licked it.
- Sam: Answer the question, what do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?
- Rebecca: Come on Sam, you're a passionate guy. I bet you have a lot of things you care deeply about.
- Sam: Yeah, like what?
- Rebecca: Sailing.
- Sam: Babes on waves. See, the doctor was right. I'm a shallow guy.
The Gift of the Woodi [7.19]
- Lilith: There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her looks to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.
- Rebecca: What's that?
- Lilith: Scaring them stupid.
- Norm: For God's sake. Are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?
- Cliff: It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.
- Carla: Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?
Call Me, Irresponsible [7.20]
- Rebecca: Isn't Eddie sweet? Why can't more men send flowers?
- Sam: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
- Rebecca: I said "more men", not Mormon.
- Sam: I know they can't dance.
- Norm: No Sam, that's the Amish.
- Sam: Then why can't Mormons send flowers?
- Rebecca: They can!! I just wish someone would send me some damn flowers!
- Sam: So why does it have to be a Mormon?
- Rebecca: Oh! [walks away]
- Sam: Some people you just can't discuss religion with.
- Woody: What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?
- Norm: The flashing side of my gut that says "insert beer here."
Sisterly Love [7.21]
- Sam: At this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's gonna spend two minutes getting out of.
- Norm: What are you going to do about that sister?
- Sam: Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.
- Cliff: You gonna take her out tomorrow night?
- Sam: No, take her out in a couple of hours.
- Sam: Carla, you hate your sister, don't you?
- Carla: Sure, why?
- Sam: What would I have to do to get the two of you back together again?
- Carla: Simple, Sam. Ask me to come down and identify her body.
The Visiting Lecher [7.22]
- Frasier: Why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?
- Lawrence: Well you know she hates to travel. Besides we decided this was a perfect opportunity to test my theories about martial fidelity. And I'm glad to say that after 10 months of celibacy, I can how pronounce my principles sound.
- Sam: After 10 months of celibacy I couldn't even pronounce my name.
- Rebecca: Your husband came onto me at a local bar.
- Valerie: Do you mean he propositioned you?
- Rebecca: Well he didn't exactly proposition me.
- Valerie: Well what exactly did he do?
- Rebecca: He asked me about my feelings.
- Valerie: That is his field you know.
- Rebecca: That isn't all he did. He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.
- Sam: [to maid] She never gets tired of telling this part.
The Improbable Dream: Part 1 [8.1]
- Cliff: You know it's quite remarkable. To float something as heavy as a wedge of lime, beer must have quite a high buoyancy factor.
- Carla: So do your loafers.
- Norm: Call me old-fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in my beer is my liver.
- Rebecca: Oh Frasier, Lilith excuse me. I know you're probably on your way somewhere.
- Lilith: Yes, we are.
- Frasier: But when aren't we?
- Rebecca: It's just that I have this really bad problem. It's getting so bad that I can't even sleep at night.
- Frasier: Well I'm sorry Rebecca, we do have this important lunch.
- Rebecca: You see I've been having these erotic dreams.
- Frasier: Well lunch be damned! Our friend is in need.
The Improbable Dream: Part 2 [8.2]
- Frasier: Perhaps your dreams are trying to tell you about something too frightening for your waking mind.
- Sam: Like what?
- Frasier: Like you care. You care about Rebecca.
- Sam: Oh come on, Frasier. You know me. How can I care about her? We haven't done the main thing that I care about.
- Frasier: Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.
- Lilith: You mean to say, you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?
- Sam: Well, yeah.
- Sam: [about Rebecca] It doesn't seem fair, does it? I spent three years loosening the cap on that peanut butter jar and right now she's stickin' to the roof of somebody else's mouth.
A Bar Is Born [8.3]
- Sam: Hey Rebecca, can I work the next shift? I need the overtime.
- Rebecca: Sam look, I know what you're trying to do here but forget it. It's going to take you the rest of your life to save enough money to buy Cheers.
- Woody: Hey if Sam says he can do it, he can do it. We have faith in you Sam. Cheers is gonna be yours. I just hope I'm still alive to see it.
- Norm: Women. You can't live with them...pass the beer nuts.
How to Marry a Mailman [8.4]
- Frasier: Emotional crises can affect our sensory perceptions. Devastating. I've read volumes on hysterical blindness, loss of hearing, even total loss of speech.
- Carla: Clavin had to pick blindness.
- Frasier: Carla, you're not helping.
- Carla: I'm not trying.
- Margaret: The men up in Canada well they just don't compare to you. They're just pale pathetic imitations of you, Cliff.
- Carla: Boy that must be one butt ugly country.
The Two Faces of Norm [8.5]
- Norm: Today I had to choose between two really great jobs. Couldn't make up my mind.
- Woody: What'd you do?
- Norm: I skipped them both and came in here. I think I made the right choice.
- Norm: I'm sorry, I've never hired anyone before, I wouldn't know what to ask.
- Rudy: Okay, but while you're thinking about it, let me buy you a beer.
- Norm: You're hired!
The Stork Brings a Crane [8.6]
- Sam: On this day in Boston's History? Yeah so they run this column every day. It tells you what happened 10 years ago, 50 years ago. What are we looking for? The last time she [Rebecca] had sex?
- Carla: No no no, this only goes back 100 years.
- Rebecca: Why are you all so interested in my sex life?
- Sam: Somebody has to be.
- Lilith: Oh doctor, thank God I felt so isolated here. I guess I had false labor. I'm just so terribly embarrassed because I'm a doctor myself. I was so sure this was the real thing. Not to mention the fact that I was sure I was going to be a mother today. Now I have to go on waiting. I need someone to talk me though this and please please tell me what to do.
- Doctor: False labor. Go home.
Death Takes a Holiday on Ice [8.7]
- Carla: I told you he was my husband. I had twins with Eddie.
- Gloria: So what? So did I.
- Norm: Yikes.
- Carla: At least mine don't give you warts when you touch them.
- Carla: It's not fair. I swear I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.
- Norm: Wait, there are perks?
For Real Men Only [8.8]
- Frasier: How can you go back to a room full of people that think you're a total idiot? How do you do it Cliff?
- Cliff: I don't really like to divulge-- Hey!
- Woody: My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?
- Carla: Your grandfather.
- Woody: No, he doesn't go in the attic.
Two Girls for Every Boyd [8.9]
- Woody: Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.
- [On the other side of the bar]
- Cliff: Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.
- Norm: I didn't have any cheese doodles.
- Cliff: Last night you did.
- Norm: I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?
- Sam: [about his beard] So you really think it looks sexy, huh?
- Rebecca: Oh yes, Yasser Arafat always makes me hot!
The Art of the Steal [8.10]
- Rebecca: I want you to tell me straight. How good are your kids at breaking and entering anyway? And do not brag about them just because you're their mother.
- Carla: Well that depends, what kind of system are we talking about here?
- Rebecca: It's a Triton 5000 Sonic with laser beams.
- Carla: They're not that good. But feel free to call if you're ever trapped in a late model car. They'll have you and the radio out in 60 seconds.
- Sam: What is it with people nowadays? When I was a kid we used to keep our door unlocked all the time. We used to get ripped off a lot but we could at least get out of the damn house.
Feeble Attraction [8.11]
- Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
- Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
- Doris: Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?
- Cliff: You know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.
Sam Ahoy [8.12]
- Sam: We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.
- Carla: Not to drown.
- Sam: All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.
- Norm: What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?
- Sam: All right three single purposes.
- Carla: How about buying the bar back?
- Sam: Does anyone have a piece of paper?
- [Sam enters wearing a suit]
- Carla: Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?
- Sam: I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.
- Cliff: How'd it go?
- Sam: I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.
- Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?
- Sam: That's right.
- Norm: Okay, for a second there I was offended.
Sammy and the Professor [8.13]
- Carla: Hey teach, I'm Carla LeBec. Listen I got this business problem. I'm being audited by the IRS and I'm a little scared.
- Alice: Well don't be. The IRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists. They're people just like you.
- Carla: Boy I'm in worse trouble than I thought.
- Norm: It looks like you'll have to bury the auditor in paperwork. Get your hands on all your receipts, if you don't have them, make them up.
- Carla: That's illegal.
- Norm: Okay, if you don't wanna...
- Carla: No, the kids will love it! We'll make it a family project!
What is... Cliff Clavin? [8.14]
- Alex: And here are the categories for you, "Civil Servants", "Stamps From Around The World", "Mothers And Sons", "Beer", "Bar Trivia", and finally, "Celibacy".
- Woody: Man, this has to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.
- Norm: Sure. He's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.
- Alex: Cliff, can I get you to pick a category and an amount?
- Cliff: Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want? I mean, I am feeling lucky today! Woah!
- Norm: Uh oh.
- Alex: And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
- Cliff: Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
- Alex: [taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
- Cliff: Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
- Alex: Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
- Cliff: Obvious to who?
- Alex: Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
- Cliff: It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
- Alex: It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.
- Cliff: No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!
- Norm: Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]
- Cliff: Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?
Finally!: Part 1 [8.15]
- Sam: Do me one favor, will ya.
- Rebecca: Sure, what is it?
- Sam: Go to bed with me.
- Rebecca: Oh Sam, you never stop.
- Sam: I'm sorry. It's in my genes.
- Rebecca: That's where it's gonna stay.
- Sam: Rebecca and Robin started making out in the back of the limo. So I offered to do the gentlemanly thing.
- Cliff: What's that?
- Sam: Let them dump me out on the railroad tracks.
- Carla: Oh man. That Colcord is a real jerk.
- Sam: Yeah, he just pulled over and let me out.
- Carla: He stopped the car? So what are you whining about?
Finally!: Part 2 [8.16]
- Rebecca: Robin, I need a one woman man.
- Robin: And I am a one woman man. It's just that I'm still looking for the one woman.
- Norm: [Rebecca's] taken to replacing the beer nuts to these little candy hearts that say "Hold me," "I'm yours," "Lovey dovey." Hey "Free beer."
- Woody: Oh no Mr. Peterson, you fooled me once.
Woody or Won't He [8.17]
- Woody: Hey Sam, can I ask you something?
- Sam: Another etiquette question?
- Woody: Yeah last one. What do I do if Kelly's mom tries to go to bed with me?
- Sam: Kelly's mom? I'm shocked and more than a little impressed.
- Norm: Well I have to say the mechanical bull is like the most useless thing put in a bar.
- Cliff: Now, Norm.
- Norm: Present company excepted.
Severe Crane Damage [8.18]
- Frasier: All right now, everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.
- Norm: Why? You're in a hurry?
- Frasier: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.
- Frasier: I'm just going to the men's room to check my hair.
- Carla: I already checked. It's not in there.
Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby [8.19]
- Robin: What about a friendly game of pool?
- Sam: No, I never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.
- Carla: You haven't lived.
- Frasier: You know it just isn't fair. I came because I wanted to be one of the guys and all I'm doing is sitting on my duff watching other people do things.
- Norm: Welcome to NormWorld. Keep your hands inside the car at all times.
Fifty-Fifty Carla [8.20]
- Woody: Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure pretty soon I can get naked anywhere.
- Sam: Makin' progress huh, Wood?
- Woody: [now shirtless] You bet. I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscience. That's all I'll get out of it. But I did pick up an extra $50 in tips.
- Woody: So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"
- Sam: Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.
- Frasier: Oh, they noticed, Sam.
- Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"
- Norm: Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.
Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh [8.21]
- Woody: Gary's just playing with us, like a rat and mouse.
- Sam: That's cat and mouse, Woody.
- Woody: Sam, a cat and mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.
- Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
- Norm: You mean nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.
- Carla: Sorry. No suds tonight, Norm. You are still our designated driver, remember?
- Norm: I know that. You know that. But did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?
The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec [8.23]
- Frasier: Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus. Before you know it this woman will be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 an hour, and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.
- Carla: And how is that different from you?
- Frasier: Well [pause]...I can prescribe drugs.
- Lilith: Well kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.
- Frasier: That gives me a warm fuzzy.
- Lilith: There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.
- Frasier: Woody, can I have another beer and would you check on the robot over there and check if it's thirsty.
- Woody: Hey Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of Valvoline?
- Lilith: Oh won't you people stop it? I am not a robot!
Mr. Otis Regrets [8.24]
- Woody: [Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.
- Norm: Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?
- Woody: Now I've got two problem.
- Sam: I get it. Your mom would disapprove.
- Woody: Make that three problems.
- Frasier: What? Do you have religious scruples?
- Woody: Oh great four problems.
- Sam: What was your original problem?
- Woody: Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.
- Woody: I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her why would I be sleeping with somebody else?
- Carla: Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year and you're not sleepin' with her?
- Woody: Of course not. That's the sort of this you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?
- Norm: Well you keep believing that, Woody.
Cry Hard [8.25]
- Norm: Well I guess I better go call Vera back.
- Cliff: What are you talking about? She didn't call.
- Norm: Yes, she did. Yesterday. Something about a flat tire, interstate. What the hell's the number of that call box?
- Rebecca: I cannot believe that Robin would use me like this.
- Sam: Yeah I know. He seems like such a decent guy. It's not like he ever, you know, cheated on any of your friends on a business deal. No, no actually he did, didn't he? Well at least you never caught him with another woman. Oh shoot that happened too. Well maybe this is the very last bad thing he does. Yeah that's it.
- Rebecca: Gee Sam, you think so?
Cry Harder [8.26]
- Carla: I know how we should celebrate. Why don't you just take me right on top of the bar like you did in the old days?
- Sam: I never did that.
- Carla: Then who was that guy? Oh that was the manager of the bar where I worked before this. Hey can anyone give me a ride to The Broken Spoke?
- Rebecca: I love [Robin] and I'm just about ready to lose him. Have you ever thought what it would be like to be without Vera for 20 years?
- Norm: Oh my God.
- Rebecca: See you'd miss Vera.
- Norm: I thought you said beer.
Love Is a Really, Really Perfectly Okay Thing [9.1]
- Carla: Wait a minute, Sammy. Look. Rebecca just said she was leaving here and never coming back.
- Sam: Yeah.
- Carla: Oh man, this is terrible.
- Frasier: What?
- Carla: Sammy finally struck out for real.
- [Everyone in the bar mumbles]
- Sam: What are you talking about here?
- Carla: We all knew it was taking a long time but we thought that eventually you two would be doing the horizontal hokey pokey.
- Norm: I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.
- Carla: It's the end of an era.
- Sam: Yup, I guess that's it.
- Rebecca: This is about us.
- Sam: What about us?
- Rebecca: Sam, we have been friends too long to let it end this way. And I just came back to say that I'm sorry I ran out earlier in a huff. And that I knew you weren't coming on to me. And when you said I wasn't good that it wasn't just some trick to get me back into bed it was because you were being honest because I am a lousy lover.
- Sam: No, sweetheart you're not.
- Rebecca: Sam, it's alright. It's not like I haven't heard it before.
- Sam: You're a fantastic lover.
- Rebecca: I'm a dud and I know it. Robin just didn't realize it because he's English.
- Sam: Listen. I wouldn't say you were good if you weren't.
- Rebecca: No, no Sam that doesn't wash. You've been after me for three years and you finally got me. I mean if I was even adequate I know that you would've run out there and told every bozo in the bar.
- Sam: You don't think I was dying to do that? It was making me crazy. It's just that I thought I would be betraying our friendship. I've never had a friend before.
- Rebecca: You have lots of friends!
- Sam: No, no I've never had a friend before.
Cheers Fouls Out [9.2]
- Gary: Fine, eight years of humiliating you weenies is enough. I'm going to find a tougher gang to humiliate.
- Woody: You can look all over Boston, you won't find any weenies tougher than us.
- Frasier: I've just been feeling a bit edgy these days.
- Woody: Why's that Dr. Crane?
- Frasier: Lilith in her own compulsive little way made the mistake of asking me if I thought she looked fat.
- Norm: And what did you say?
- Frasier: I told her she looked just fine.
- Norm: Rookie mistake. So what kind of punishment are you getting?
- Frasier: I'm not getting any.
- Norm: Oh you got off easy.
- Frasier: No, I'm not getting any.
- Norm: No, you're getting off easy.
Rebecca Redux [9.3]
- Rebecca: It doesn't mean I will never see you guys. I can still come in as a customer. Of course with work and all I can't stay for 10 to 12 hours at a stretch like you guys.
- Norm: That's okay. You can be in the part timers club. They sit over there.
- Cliff: And when you're ready to commit you'll let us know.
- Norm: Yeah like Phil there. He's right on the verge.
- Frasier: I would like to nominate as the stupidest creature on earth: the one who awakens each day to drive through gridlocked traffic, to sit in a window less office breathing recirculated air, then returns home and collapses into a stupor, only to do the same damn thing all over again every day until he dies.
- Norm: Looking forward to that vacation, hey Frase?
- Frasier: You bet. We're going to Maui.
Where Nobody Knows Your Name [9.4]
- [Carla walks into the bar wearing a parka]
- Sam: What's with the getup?
- Carla: It's Indian Summer, Sam. I need these clothes for protection.
- Sam: Protection from what?
- Carla: The eyes of men.
- Sam: What are you talking about?
- Carla: Every time I've conceived a kid it's been during Indian Summer. It's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy. I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me, or see me or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.
- Carla: When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions. Oh who is that hunk over there? In the uniform with the cute buns? [Cliff turns around] Oh my God, it's Clavin. This is worse than I thought. Has he always had that mustache?
Ma Always Liked You Better [9.5]
- Norm: Your ma's in town?
- Cliff: Yup.
- Norm: Why don't you pick her up?
- Cliff: No, Normie that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. I know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. But she can just forget it. I tell you. She's not going to be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No siree sir.
- Woody: I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your ma a lot.
- Norm: A whole lot.
- Frasier: Too much to be healthy really.
- Esther: I can love you both for different reasons; Woody, I can love you because you're generous, kind, and strong, and Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother and nature dictates there be a bond.
- Sam: We're sorry man. We feel bad because we know how much the Hungry Heifer means to you.
- Norm: You don't know the half of it Sammy. I love the Heifer. I don't know what I'm gonna do without that place. It was like my home away from Cheers.
Breaking in Is Hard to Do [9.7]
- Lilith: Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?
- Sam: Hold on a second. Phil, what do you drink?
- Phil: A Manhattan.
- Sam: Manhattan.
- Cliff: As a rule your psycho killers don't have families. They're loners. They may have jobs. They're good to their mothers. By and large they sit alone at night in a dark room writing their depraved thoughts in a diary.
- Norm: Cliffie, you keep a diary, don't you?
- Cliff: I keep a journal, Norm. A journal.
Bad Neighbor Sam [9.8]
- Woody: But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?
- Norm: I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."
- Cliff: That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."
- Frasier: Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."
- Carla: Have you ever seen so many yuppies with gold cards?
- Rebecca: John Allen Hill worked his magic, and we reap the benefits.
- Carla: I love these charge slips. Look here. They put down a five for a tip. All I have to do is stick a one in front of it and I got 15.
- Cliff: No, kale's more of a family of greens. Anything with a pungent aroma and a loose head can be called kale.
- Carla: Get you another beer, kale?
- Woody: It's just a small part in a commercial, but I don't know if I can pull it off.
- Norm: What do you play?
- Woody: A bartender.
- Sam: Woody, you are a bartender.
- Woody: But in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.
- Sam: Woody, you serve drinks all the time.
- Woody: But I have to talk and serve drinks.
- Sam: You talk and serve drinks everyday.
- Woody: Now you've made me nervous about working here.
Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure [9.10]
- Lilith: Excuse me. I have to check my messages.
- Carla: You got one from Madame Tussaud. Get back to the museum.
- Sam: [Frasier] left here pretty angry. I keep calling the house. The machine keeps picking up.
- Carla: Oh, Lilith answers?
Woody Interruptus [9.11]
- Sam: I'm Sam Malone by the way.
- Henri: Oh! I've heard about you in France.
- Sam: Oh, you follow baseball?
- Henri: No. Stewardesses.
- Sam: How's your love life? I mean the physical part?
- Woody: I can't speak for Kelly but I'm looking forward to it.
- Sam: You're telling me that you and Kelly haven't slept together?
- Woody: Well, we did once when we went to see Old Gringo, but the whole row was snoring.
- Sam: Well, I think this may be your problem, Wood?
- Woody: I always figured we'd wait until after we were married. That's the way everybody in Hanover does it, except for that couple that teaches art at the high school.
Honor Thy Mother [9.12]
- Frasier: Very often that's the best thing you can do when you're not getting along with a family member. Remove yourself entirely from them. Find some neutral place where you can take the time you need to be away from them.
- Norm: You really think so, Frase?
- Frasier: Well that's why we're all here, isn't it?
- Frasier: Carla, death is an earthly scientific passage predicted by either massive physical injury or progressive bodily deterioration. There is as little validity in a supposed death dream as there is in the cliched image of death itself as a grim bloodless ghoul who's bony finger reaches out to tap you on the shoulder when your number's up.
- Lilith: [taps Frasier's shoulder] Frasier, it's time to go.
- Frasier: [screams] Don't do that, woman. Put on some blush.
Achilles Hill [9.13]
- Sam: [Valerie's] really nice, isn't she Wood?
- Woody: She's really nice, sweet, warm, and wonderful. You know back in Hanover, me and my brother used to have a name for a girl like that.
- Sam: What was that?
- Woody: Mom. By the way, Sam, if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother you better pray God takes you before I do.
- Carla: Fools, non believers, can't you see what the evil [Foosball table] has done? You're trapped. You're spending every minute of every day in this bar.
- Cliff: We always do that.
- Carla: Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up.
- Norm: That is kind of eerie.
The Days of Wine and Neuroses [9.14]
- Sam: Are you drinking again?
- Rebecca: Certainly not. I never stopped.
- Sam: So you want to talk? Is this about getting married tomorrow? Are you getting cold feet?
- Rebecca: Certainly not. I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.
- Sam: You know I don't get that. All you've done the last two years is talk about getting married to this guy.
- Rebecca: Well I'll tell you. It is one thing to love somebody who's serving time for you. It's another thing serving time with them.
- Lilith: It's a dangerous combination: a karaoke machine and an obsessive personality whose parents used to play Broadway cast albums to drown out their lovemaking.
Wedding Bell Blues [9.15]
- Sam: Guys listen up for a second please. When Rebecca comes in she's probably not going to be feeling too good so just take it easy on her. All right?
- Norm: What's the problem, Sam?
- Sam: She called off the whole wedding.
- Carla: Get out.
- Sam: I went over there last night. She was a real mess. She was clear about one thing. She doesn't love [Robin] and there's no way she's gonna marry him.
- [Rebecca enters wearing a wedding dress with a smile on her face]
- Norm: Yeah Sam, she's in agony.
- Lilith: Ordinarily Sam, people don't deal with depression by putting on a wedding dress and acting giddy.
- Carla: Except maybe Clavin.
- Rebecca: [from the back room] I need somebody to talk to. Anybody. I really need some help. [Paul walks back and comes right back out] Not Paul!
- Paul: I can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped.
I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face [9.16]
- Sam: Hey, any of you guys tried that new steakhouse on Commonwealth?
- Norm: No.
- Sam: It's great. Beautiful waitresses in tiny little wench outfits.
- Norm: Yeah, what did you have?
- Sam: Beautiful waitress in a tiny little wench outfit. I'm going back too.
- Frasier: Woody, I think it was a great sacrifice for you to give your clothes to Rebecca. It puts me in mind of another novel by my favorite British author. You know who I mean. I'll give you a hint, Charles...
- Norm: In Charge?
- Frasier: Are you people really this ignorant or do you do this just to torture me?
- Norm: Sometimes the two go hand in hand.
Sam Time Next Year [9.17]
- Woody: I don't know, Dr. Crane. Haven't you ever thought that it's kind of tough on them - doing all that counseling stuff? I mean I was raised to believe that if you have a problem, you lock it away in a secret place. You keep it bottled up good and tight. And if it gets full in there, you just keep forcing the pain down and clamping it in.
- Frasier: Good advice, Woody. [to Norm] Tick... tick... tick.
Crash of the Titans [9.18]
- Lilith: I think your humor is expressive of a hidden hostility toward Rebecca. Or perhaps deep down you fear she really is capable of taking this bar from you.
- Sam: Put a suit on a woman and she thinks she's God.
- Lilith: Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this?
- Frasier: She's also this way when the suit comes off, Sam.
- Carla: Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
- John Hill: Tell me Carla, clinically speaking are you considered a dwarf or a midget?
- Carla: Say is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?
- John Hill: Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. The gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
- Carla: You know two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
- John Hill: Shrike.
- Carla: Bullet head.
- John Hill: Slattern.
- Carla: Hatchet face.
- John Hill: Well must be off. Till next month then.
- Carla: He's good people.
It's a Wonderful Wife [9.19]
- John Hill: My hat check girl is missing from her post. You haven't perchance seen her?
- Sam: What's that supposed to mean? Every time something goes wrong in your restaurant it's my fault. Like I'm the one who's supposed to keep track of your employees. You know that really ticks me off.
- [A girl comes out of Sam's office]
- Miss Kenderson: Sam, I can't get the sofa bed to fold back up.
- Henri: Are you ready?
- Woody: Yeah I just shaved. How does my face look?
- Henri: As smooth as your girlfriend Kelly's bottom.
- Woody: Is that a joke?
- Henri: But of course it is. You have to shave much closer.
Cheers Has Chili [9.20]
- Rebecca: [about the former pool room] It's a tearoom.
- Sam: Thanks for not making me guess.
- Rebecca: So what do you think?
- Sam: You want my honest first impression, my gut reaction?
- Rebecca: Yes, I do.
- Sam: I hate it. I hate it! I hate it!!
- Rebecca: I don't understand why nobody wants to come back to my beautiful tearoom.
- Frasier: Well Rebecca, a restaurant should be like a mistress. See one shouldn't feel she's over eager to please. It's far more enticing if you need her more than she needs you.
- Lilith: Who is this she you're talking about, Frasier?
- Frasier: Purely hypothetical.
- Lilith: It's a little strange for a happily married man to go prattling on about a mistress.
- Frasier: Oh come on, hon. Give me this one. You already heard me admit I was whipped in front of the boys.
- Lilith: That was good.
Carla Loves Clavin [9.21]
- Norm: I have a new industrial paint sprayer. It gets the job done in a couple of hours.
- Cliff: Very clever.
- Norm: It was invented by the Japanese so they could paint more efficiently, more quickly.
- Frasier: Whereas you will use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, and put off everything until the very last minute.
- Norm: Right. You see they're way ahead of us in technology, but they don't have our creativity.
- Cliff: Well that Paul, is the history of Western Civilization in a nutshell. You were right to come to me.
- Paul: I didn't come to you, Cliff. I was waiting to use the phone.
Pitch It Again, Sam [9.22]
- Frasier: Two grown men settling a rivalry by throwing a little white ball at a wooden stick. How pathetic. Now boxing, that's a man's sport. Punch a guy in the face and scramble his brains. That proves something.
- Norm: Fraze, you're really coming around buddy.
- Frasier: Thank you.
- Carla: Hey guys did I miss anything?
- Norm: Sam hasn't started yet. Where've you been?
- Carla: I've been visiting the other team. Ran into somebody I used to get hot and sweaty with.
- Norm: Who's that?
- Carla: The other team.
Rat Girl [9.23]
- Sam: What just happened here guys?
- Norm: Well you got shot down, Sam.
- Sam: You know you read about those things but you never think they're going to happen to you.
- Sam: Hey, this had been driving me crazy. I got to know something Paul.
- Paul: What Sam?
- Sam: I'll try to put this as delicately as I can because you're my friend and I like ya and I don't want to insult ya. Why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me?
- Paul: You thought that would offend me?
- Sam: I'm serious. What did you do? Slip her a mickey or something?
- Paul: Well since you asked me so nicely Sam, I'll tell ya. Paula is what we like to refer to as a chubby chaser.
- Sam: You're kidding. You mean she like to go out with guys who are uh...
- Paul: Portly Sam. The word is portly.
Home Malone [9.24]
- Lilith: I don't know how comfortable I feel with this setup. He's just a baby. He needs supervision.
- Frasier: Well Sam can take care of him.
- Lilith: I'm talking about Sam. You know how out of control he can get at times. What a mess he can make.
- Frasier: Sam can clean it up.
- Lilith and Frasier: I'm talking about Sam.
- Frasier: Darling, it will just be for a few hours.
- Lilith: All right but if anything goes wrong he could be scarred for life.
- Frasier: You mean Sam, right.
- Lilith: Yes and it's a threat.
- Sam: Say Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?
- Carla: Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby stick a bottle in their mouth.
- Sam: Great, okay, good.
- Kelly: Okay I'm ready.
- Carla: Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.
Uncle Sam Wants You [9.25]
- Frasier: [about Frederick and Sam] Isn't it sweet? My son and babysitter passed out in a bar.
- Sam: Do you think guys have a biological clock? You know like they know it's time to have a kid.
- Carla: Oh yeah. Usually when they say, "Hey Carla, you want to go out tonight?"
Baby Balk [10.1]
- Frasier: Sam, your whole life has been a string of meaningless albeit enjoyable sexual encounters. Now for the first time you're engaging in a meaningful productive pursuit. It's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.
- Sam: What?
- Frasier: Oh, dirty sex and clean sex.
- Sam: Woody, we're out of here. You're in charge of the bar.
- Woody: Why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge nobody every listens to me. I just get laughed at and get drinks poured over my head.
- Sam: If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.
- Woody: I'm talkin' about Carla.
Get Your Kicks on Route 666 [10.2]
- Cliff: What do you say, Norm? For of us toolin' down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man mobile.
- Norm: I don't know. I don't think I can handle sitting still for six hours a day.
- Cliff: It might be more like 20.
- Norm: Oh then I'm in.
- Rebecca: Oh shoot. It's a minus. I'm not pregnant. Well we only started trying last night. I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.
- Sam: I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.
- Norm: Fifth time? Imagine that.
- Cliff: I'm only up to three.
Madame LaCarla [10.3]
- Pete: I wonder what's wrong with Carla.
- Cliff: We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it. Not enough bran.
- [Carla pushes Cliff off his stool]
- Carla: Sam, I'm gonna read your mind. Okay, think of something.
- Sam: Right now?
- Carla: Yeah.
- Sam: Okay.
- Carla: You're thinkin' about your car.
- Sam: Nope.
- Carla: You're thinkin' about some babe.
- Sam: Nope.
- Carla: Wait a minute. Give me a minute. I can do this. Just give me a chance. You're thinkin' about your hair.
- Sam: Nope.
- Carla: Come on, Sam. That's everything you ever think about.
The Norm Who Came to Dinner [10.4]
- Frasier: Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.
- Norm: Yeah, what's This Old House?
- Frasier: Well it's a show on PBS.
- Norm: What's PBS?
- Lilith: Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.
- Rebecca: Carla, do you think I'll make a good mother?
- Carla: Nope.
- Rebecca: What do you mean?
- Carla: You asked me a question. I gave you an answer.
- Rebecca: But I'm serious.
- Carla: Sorry I'm just being honest.
- Rebecca: You're not being honest. You're being mean.
- Carla: Sometimes you get a twofer.
Ma's Little Maggie [10.5]
- Rebecca: I think I figured out why you haven't been able to give me a baby.
- Sam: What makes you think it's my fault?
- Rebecca: Well I've been doing some reading and I think I know what the problem is. You wear bikini briefs, don't you?
- Sam: Sweetheart, I know the light's usually off but I do take them off.
- Cliff: The only real hurdle left is Ma. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else is the world meets your significant other.
- Norm: Which would be which, Cliff?
- Cliff: Now you see my problem.
Unplanned Parenthood [10.6]
- Rebecca: I am not going to have a baby until I'll know I'll be a good parent.
- Sam: Taking care of Carla's kids is not going to prove you're a good parent. It just proves you can survive in the wild.
- Frasier: People. People. We cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.
- Sam: Yes, thank you very much.
- Frasier: The real question is, will they make responsible parents?
- Rebecca: That's right.
- Frasier: And the answer is an emphatic no.
Bar Wars V: The Final Judgement [10.7]
- Lilith: Frasier, we need to have a discussion.
- Frasier: oh no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween too.
- Lilith: I don't have a thing against Halloween. I just don't want my child panhandling door to door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers dressed in a silly costume.
- Frasier: But darling, that is Halloween.
- Lilith: Oh well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.
- Rebecca: I think you guys should just call it off. I mean I think it's childish.
- Sam: Excuse me. Childish? Sweetheart, this is bar versus bar. We will use any weapons available to us; water balloons, stink bombs, whoopee cushions, and fake vomit. Yes fake vomit. Now how childish is it?
Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? [10.8]
- Sam: Hey what's going on, Normie?
- Norm: It's my birthday Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver.
- Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.
- Rebecca: Are you going to get your hair done for that?
- Lilith: Why on earth should I?
- Carla: Well at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean if that baby goes, we are dead!
- Lilith: That hardly seems just, coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.
Head Over Hill [10.9]
- Carla: What are you doing down here, Hill? Hair Club for Men meeting?
- John Hill: Oh I didn't see you down there Miss Tortelli. Although frankly, [sniffs] you do announce your presence.
- Carla: So have you decided what color you're going to dye your head for Easter?
- John Hill: Why don't you just scuttle under the office door and get Sam?
- Carla:[yelling in Mr. Hill's face] SAM! HILL'S HERE!
- Woody: Hey Mr. P, how goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
- Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Doughnut. I found him every couple of blocks.
A Fine French Whine [10.10]
- Henri: I am being kicked out. Just because I am not a citizen and I have no job and I have no prospect for a job and I have no wish for a job.
- Norm: Wait a minute. They can kick you out for that?
- Sam: No, no relax. You were born here.
- Norm: God bless America.
- Woody: You're wrong Kelly. He's using you. He wrote that letter himself. He's not going to be deported. He's just trying to steal you away from me.
- Henri: How did you figure that out?
- Woody: You mean I'm right? Wow. Score one for the Indiana school system.
I'm Okay, You're Defective [10.11]
- Carla: You've been with thousands of women over the years, right?
- Sam: Yeah right.
- Carla: How many cards do you get on Father's Day?
- Sam: That doesn't mean anything.
- Carla: Sammy sooner or later you're gonna have to face the possibility that whether you like it or not you might just possibly have a low sperm count.
- Sam: You're fired!
- Paul: Where's Norm and Cliff?
- Woody: I guess they're at work. I don't know.
- Paul: You've got a cute sense of humor, Woody. I like that.
Go Make [10.12]
- Sam: Hey sweetheart, what do you think? If it's a boy we name it Sam.
- Rebecca: Oh I don't know. You know I always thought that naming a child after yourself was saying you wanted them to grow up just like you, like the things you like, to act the way you do.
- Sam: Okay, Sam it is.
- Frasier: I sense the mood of the bar. You're all suffering from the winter blues; the shortened daylight hours, the cold numbing weather, the bleak sense of isolation. It's what we in the psychiatric professions call, the jackpot.
Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist [10.13]
- Rebecca: You know when I was a kid I was the first one in my class to, you know, develop breasts. They teased me the whole year.
- Norm: Oh yeah? Me too.
- Rebecca: Who's birthday? One of your kids?
- Carla: Yeah right, you see a file in it? Today happens to be Elvis Presley's birthday.
- Norm: Celebrating the birthday of a dead guy. That's kind of ghoulish, isn't it? I don't know how you could stomach something like that.
- Carla: It's double mocha chocolate fudge.
- Norm: Long live the king.
No Rest for the Woody [10.14]
- Blood Worker: Excuse me miss, I've been sent to collect some specimens.
- Carla: They're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.
- Sam: Carla, good news. I've given a lot of thought and I decided to offer my employees a group medical plan.
- Carla: Oh man, that's great Sammy. What changed your mind?
- Sam: It's the right thing to do. You guys need it. You deserve it. It's important to you. Plus they passed some kind of law.
My Son, the Father [10.15]
- Frasier: Carla, you can't believe God has a personal vendetta against you.
- Carla: Look at my kids. Look at my husbands. Look at my life. What do you think?
- Frasier: You know Carla never ceases to amaze me. She has a strange mixture of fervent religious faith and primitive superstition. I suppose it's part of our ever changing mixed up culture.
- Lilith: I don't know that you should blame Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier. The need to worship high intelligence is an innate and universal phenomenon. In fact, in recent week it's become clear that my lab rats worship me as a goddess. I must confess I don't discourage them.
- Frasier: Very interesting dear. Apropos of nothing, how many vacation days do you have coming?
- Lilith: I don't know, 80, 85.
- Frasier: What do you say we cash 50, 60 of those in and have you spend a little time with some people?
One Hugs, the Other Doesn't [10.16]
- Frasier: Darling, are you going to be okay with this?
- Lilith: Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see. Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of 1,000 children including his own. Then to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?
- Frasier: Baby, you're the greatest.
- Carla: Hey Frase, I hear you used to be married to a children's singer. What's the matter? Burl Ives turn you down?
A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff [10.17]
- Henderson: Do you have a Clavin here?
- Carla: Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.
- Rebecca: Oh Sam, he's so sweet. I don't want to hurt his feelings. What do you say when you break up with a woman?
- Sam: I usually say, "I'll call you tomorrow."
License to Hill [10.18]
- John Hill: For the next three hours I need you and the rest of the Cheers' chimps to hold down the noise. Right now I'm entertaining 200 elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.
- Sam: Givin' ‘em a first-hand account, John?
- John Hill: Very amusing. Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often we can hear everything you say down here. So tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.
- Norm: You know, I have to second that.
- Woody: Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.
- Cliff: Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.
- Woody: Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.
- Sam: Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?
- Woody: Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.
- Norm: OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?
- Woody: Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?
- Norm: What the heck kind of game is that?
- Woody: That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]
Rich Man, Wood Man [10.19]
- Kelly: Woody, we've got to be going.
- Woody: Right. [to Sam] If James has to circle the block more than once he has a hissy fit.
- Kelly: Boy. Chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?
- Rebecca: Oh, yeah. I have that trouble with mine all the time.
- Kelly: Really? What do you do?
- Rebecca: I wake up.
- Frasier: Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.
- Lilith: Or some of your weekly ones.
- Frasier: Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"
- Carla: Because you're the loneliest man on earth.
- Lilith: He has another reason.
Smotherly Love [10.20]
- Frasier: [about his mother in law] I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.
- Woody: How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?
- Frasier: Well... dead. The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in. She has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.
- Woody: Apparently me, Dr. Crane.
- [Lilith is frustrated because her mother is controlling her]
- Cliff: Still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.
- Lilith: [sarcastically] Really?
- Cliff: Oh, yeah. Ma and I don't have any problems. You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related. Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son... shocked even.
Take Me Out of the Ball Game [10.21]
- Carla: I think you're gonna be surprised, ‘cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?
- Norm: Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.
- Cliff: Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.
- Frasier: You okay, Cliff?
- Cliff: What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.
- Woody: You know Dr. Crane, once back in Hanover I wanted to catch some rats and I started to play a flute and a bunch of them followed me out of town...and some children too. Oh wait, was that a movie? No, it happened.
Rebecca's Lover... Not [10.22]
- Rebecca: 18 years old and ready to take on the world.
- Woody: Wait a minute. You were 18 when you graduated from high school? What, did daddy pull some strings?
Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real [10.23]
- Rebecca: Fine. I'm going to show people who are a little less self-absorbed. Hey, everyone! Look at me! Look at me!
Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! [10.24]
- Cliff: I'm Cliff Clavin from Boston, I wrote tonight's monologue.
- Lady: Oh, so you know Johnny?
- Cliff: Does anyone really know Johnny?
- Cliff: [on Johnny Carson's stage] Heeeeeere's Cliffy!
- [Johnny Carson walks out on stage towards Cliff]
- Johnny: Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
- Cliff: Yeah.
- Johnny: Now get the hell of my stage before I call security.
An Old-Fashioned Wedding [10.25]
- Monika: Are you with the groom's family?
- Sam: I'm the best man.
- Monika: I'd enjoy being the judge of that.
The Little Match Girl [11.1]
- Sam: [To Rebecca, after he learns she burned down the bar] Of all the stupid things you've done in your useless life... this is your masterpiece.
- Frasier: I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.
- Cliff: You wanna see a dark side; you ought to see Ma when you leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub. That's something you don't do twice.
The Beer Is Always Greener [11.2]
- Cliff: [at Mr. Pubb's]Look at all the neon in here.
- Norm: It looks like the inside of a UFO.
- Cliff: Actually they're quite different... I guess.
The King of Beers [11.3]
- Rebecca: This is what we losers do, Norm. At least we're not alone, we have each other.
- Norm: You're not gonna kiss me again are you?? Cause I still have to drive home.
- Rebecca: I'm not a loser! Norm's a loser. Look at him eating ice cream.
- Norm: Hey guys...did Rebecca just call me a loser?
- Frasier: I'm afraid so, Norm.
- Norm: Good...I thought she said leave me some!
The Magnificent Six [11.4]
- Henri: I win? France has won! France has won!
- Frasier: There's something you never hear.
Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman [11.5]
- Norm: What do you want to do tonight, Cliff?
- Cliff: Eh, I dunno, what do you want to do?
- Norm: I dunno.
- Rebecca: You guys, you do this all day long for hours!
- Cliff: Face it Rebecca, we're bored, nothing ever happens around here.
- [enter Andy Andy covered in dynamite]
- Rebecca: [gasps] Oh my God!
- Norm: Hey, it's Andy Andy.
- Rebecca: What, you know this person?!
- Cliff: Yeah, former major felon. Once killed a waitress.
- Andy Andy: Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane!!!
- Woody: Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here for 5 or 6 years.
- Andy Andy: Oh really? Well, okay.
- [walks out]
- Cliff: So, what do you want to do?
- [Rebecca turns around and gives them a look of disbelief]
Teaching with the Enemy [11.6]
- Frasier: I know. I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale in comparison. In fact, whatever it is, it, it'll be a relief! Okay, okay...what is the worst thing I can imagine?
- Frasier: All right, I've got it. Lilith, your news please.
- Lilith: This afternoon, in a moment of EXTREME weakness...I cheated on you.
- Frasier: THAT WAS IT!! THAT WAS THE WORST THING!!!!
- Lilith: Try to remain calm!
- Frasier: How can I remain calm when you tell me you've slept with another man?! You SLUT!!!
The Girl in the Plastic Bubble [11.7]
- Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
- Carla: Like a body temperature?
- Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
- Carla: Well, that was just rude.
- Frasier: I'M GOING TO JUMP, LILITH!!!
- Cliff: Normy, come on, will you? The buddy of ours is on the ledge, he's about to jump to his death. Let's go!
- Norm: Jeez, you're right. I'd better go move my car.
Ill-Gotten Gaines [11.8]
Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa [11.9]
- John Allen Hill: Ah, Miss Tortelli... is that a new hairdo, or did someone toss a toaster in your bathtub? What am I saying - what would you be doing in a bathtub?
- Carla: Cleaning you out of the drain.
- John Allen Hill: Yeasty oil slick!
- Carla: Bladder polyp!
- John Allen Hill: Man witch!
- Carla: Perverted goat boy!
- John Allen Hill: Sluttish mole!
- Carla: Seven o'clock tonight?
- John Allen Hill: Make it 6:30.
- Rebecca: [after the gang hears that John Allen Hill had a heart attack] Should we visit him at the hospital? Who wants to go? Come on you guys... he's our neighbor... we know him. We should see him in the hospital.
- Norm: Rebecca, it's not like he's our best friend or anything.
- Rebecca: Norm, that's not the point. The point is you have to pretend to be nice to people - that's what makes you a good person.
Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl [11.10]
- [Franklin "Brig" Howe has sent Rebecca to pack her things]
- "Brig" Howe: In the meantime, I'll just stay here and wait. Give me a beer.
- Norm: [shows his empty mug] Sir, did I ever tell you that I was in the Coast Guard?
- "Brig" Howe: Coast Guard, huh? Well you must be very proud, Miss.
- Norm: So, buy a girl a drink?
- Cliff: [after the gang learns that Rebecca stills get an allowance from her father] Imagine somebody getting an allowance at her age, eh? My ma cut me off when I was thirty. No ifs, ands or buts. And it hurt, I tell you - hurt like hell. Ah, but it had a happy ending.
- Norm: Made you more self-reliant, Cliff?
- Cliff: Nah. A couple of years later her pension fund went bankrupt. She had to come crawling to me for some dough. I just gave her the old horse laugh. "What goes around," huh, boys?
Love Me, Love My Car [11.11]
- Frasier: [after Sam suggests he begin dating] Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.
- Carla: Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.
- Rebecca: [to guests that have arrived at Cheers for their family reunion] I took the liberty of making name-tags for everybody. See: "Hello, My name's Rebecca". And this one is for you, Peter. [to Party Guest #1] And your name is...
- Party Guest #1: We're all family. We know each other's names. [she walks away]
- Rebecca: Let me make one out for you anyway: "B-I-T-C..."
Sunday Dinner [11.12]
Norm's Big Audit [11.13]
- [Norm is afraid he'll have to sleep with Dot Carroll, the IRS agent, to prevent the audit of his taxes.]
- Cliff: Relax, Norm. I've been brainstorming. I've come up with a plan.
- Norm: I'm desperate. I'll try anything. Come on.
- Cliff: Tell you what, here's the plan: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the light, say "Room service for Dot Carroll". In the meantime, I got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop 'em in the room; they run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers... OK? In the ensuing hub-bub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me - you think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.
- Norm: Thanks, Cliff, but you don't have to go to the trouble.
- Cliff: That's all right... I already got the squirrels.
- Frasier: Well Norm, you could get someone to impersonate Vera.
- Norm: Well thanks Frasier, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Bar [11.14]
Loathe and Marriage [11.15]
- Gino: [comes up behind Rebecca] Hey, there. Remember me?
- Rebecca: Yes, I do. You're Carla's son, Gino. And I did not appreciate the nude photos of yourself that you sent.
- Gino: You know, it's the best I could do with the machine at the mall.
- Rebecca: Gino, would you forget about it. I'm not going to go out with you. You're much too young for me.
- Gino: Yeah, right. Cu-Cu-Ca-Chu, Miss Howe.
- Cliff: So, how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted you were talking about marketing some kind of slot machine for the home.
- Nick: Oh, yeah... "Flush and Win." It was a great idea. The only problem is the people had a difficult time retrieving their change
Is There a Doctor in the Howe? [11.16]
The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover [11.17]
- Cliff: Who'd have thought it, Rebecca and Frasier? What's next, me and Carla!?
- [Carla grabs him by the back of the head]
- Carla: Don't say it, Clavin, don't you even think it!
- Rebecca: Frasier, listen: I know Lilith coming back changes everything, so I'm just gonna step out of the picture, and there's no hard feelings.
- Frasier: [completely oblivious to all she's saying] That bitch! Thinks she can waltz back into my life and start calling the shots!
- Rebecca: I know what we almost had was very special, but we have a very special friendship too, so I think we should just leave it at that.
- Frasier: [still ignoring her] ECOPOD, MY BIG WHITE BUTT! I was that close to popping her, you know that!? She's the mother of my child and I nearly did it!
- Rebecca: I think we should just focus here, because, you know Frasier, I'm trying to be very gentle, because I wanna let you down easily, I don't wanna break your heart...
- Frasier: [mimicking Lilith, still ignoring Rebecca] "I spent three days on a bus! Wah, wah wah!" Well cry me a river, bunhead!
- Rebecca: [finally losing patience] FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRASIER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!? I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!
The Last Picture Show [11.18]
Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey [11.19]
- [Gary has walled up the bar; the Irish band has arrived; Sam won't give up]
- Sam: All we need is – uh, what – a little winning attitude, right? A little positivity. [to the Irish band] Hey, fellas, do me a favor. Play us a little something to get us in the mood.
- Irish band: [singing] "They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my Da with logs. Limey scum, limey scum, I toss a bomb and still they come." Everybody! "Limey scum, limey scum..."
- [After the guys have to sing naked at Gary's, they're getting dressed in the backroom]
- Sam: That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.
- Woody: I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.
- Paul: How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?
- Norm: Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.
- Cliff: You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.
- Norm: Exhilarating?
- Cliff: I meant humiliating.
Look Before You Sleep [11.20]
- [Sam is locked out of his place and comes to Carla's]
- Carla: Well, I guess you can stay here for the night.
- Sam: Yeah, yeah. Alright, thanks.
- Carla: Look, Sammy.
- Sam: What?
- Carla: No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help... do NOT open the bedroom door. Got it?
- John Allen Hill: Ditto for me, too, Sam.
- Sam: Oh, no no... [he leaves]
- [Sam stays at Cliff's house]
- Esther Clavin: Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm... by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin - I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell on a spit reserved for those who desert their families. Amen.
Woody Gets an Election [11.21]
- Kevin Fogerty: Maybe we need someone to blame. Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all. Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror. Because... if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work. The way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord. You may remember it... it's called AMERICA.
- [The bar patrons applaud & cheer; Fogerty leaves]
- Frasier: But he didn't SAY anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point. The voters of Boston are sheep.
- Woody: Wow, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.
- Frasier: Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains. I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten-percent of the vote.
- Woody: Ho ho. Two Hanover things in one day!
- Holly Matheson: [interviewing candidate Woody] So what you're saying is there are no easy answers.
- Woody: Well, not for me there aren't.
It's Lonely on the Top [11.22]
- Frasier: [after a night of drinking Carla's special drinks] Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us. How can you be so chipper this morning?
- Woody: Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure. Very simple: first, put on your pajamas; then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water; and then, you vomit 'til your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels. Wake up in the mornin', you feel brand new. Boy, I am hungry. Anybody for some chili dogs?
- Norm: Okay, okay, but only two.
- Norm: Okay, Cliff, you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt.
- Cliff: It's a big American flag there, Norm. With the motto: "God Bless The U.S. Post Office." What's mine say?
- Norm: "I Love Vera."
Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses [11.23]
Note: This episode is 60 minutes long.
- [Cliff enters the bar]
- Sam: Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?
- Cliff: Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!
- Norm: Fighting with ma, huh?
- Cliff: Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.
- Sam: I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.
- Cliff: Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...
- Frasier: [interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.
- Sam: [on the phone with Rebecca] I'll be over as soon as I can. [hangs up] Shoot.
- Woody: Who was that?
- Sam: Ah, it's Rebecca; she's all upset. Your father-in-law invited her over to his place to listen to music tonight. She thought she was supposed to be his date; got all dressed up in a fancy dress. Turns out she's only there to tend bar.
- Woody: How could she make that mistake?
- Sam: Oh, come on, Woody. Put yourself in her position: you know, attractive guy asks you over to his place to listen to some music, wants you to wear a fancy dress... you'd go wouldn't you?
- Woody: Oh, no. No, my high school drama teacher tried that one on me. "Once bitten, twice shy," my friend.
- Rebecca: Do you know what I am. I'm a phony. I'm a great big phony. Pretending like I liked Mahler just so some rich guy would ask me out. I don't even know his first name.
- Woody: Gustav. Gustav Mahler.
- Ma Clavin: [about the retirement home] Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?
- Cliff: Oh, yeah, Ma. Don't worry. Your insurance policies will cover it.
- Ma Clavin: Oh, that's convenient. You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns.
- Cliff: These are your golden years.
- Ma Clavin: Oh, bless your heart. You've given me what every mother dreams of: a tastefully furnished room in which to die among strangers.
The Guy Can't Help It [11.24]
- Sam: The woman I choose is gonna feel very special. You know, like when a great chef picks the perfect pork chop.
- Frasier: [sarcastically] That's beautiful, Sam.
One for the Road [11.25]
Note: this episode is 90 minutes long.
- Sam: You know I think you should go home, wake Vera, and do whatever comes naturally.
- Norm: Wake her up so she can watch me eat a bucket of buffalo wings?
- Frasier: [about Diane's husband] If she's left him a shred of manhood it's only because she's waiting for the right moment to flick it away like the last shriveled pea on her plate. Thank God I'm over her. Hit me, Woody! Four fingers of the meanest swill you got!
- Frasier: Hello, Diane.
- Diane: Hello Frasier, you're looking well!
- Frasier: I'm feeling well! I'm happily married with a bright young son and a successful practice. But, you know, what's most important, and I just realized it this moment, is that, I'm over you.
- Diane: I'm glad.
- Frasier: There is absolutely nothing here anymore. I'm over you. You could be a total stranger for all I'm feeling. You could be ugly and gnarled and toothless, without that shining hair, those dancing eyes and these graceful, subtle limbs. Thank God I'm free.
- Diane: Frasier, you're hurting me!
- Frasier: Well, you never hurt me, did you?!
- Diane: [to Woody] What's new in your life?
- Woody: Oh, well, you know, I, uh, got married and I'm gonna have a kid.
- Diane: Wonderful.
- Woody: Yeah. Oh, I just got elected to the Boston City Council.
- Diane: [amazed, in disbelief] How nice. And I'm next in line for the throne of England.
- Woody: Well, you know, maybe we'll work together someday... hammer out a treaty or somethin'.
- Sam: Well, at least I didn't fly across the country to make an ass out of myself.
- Diane: Why bother when you do it so brilliantly right here?
- Sam: I keep askin' myself: what is the point to life?
- Woody: Whew. That's a tough question.
- Cliff: Ehh. Well, I got the answer.
- Frasier: Somehow I knew you would.
- Cliff: Comfortable shoes.
- Frasier: Shoes?
- Cliff: Yeah. If you're not wearin' comfortable shoes, life is just chaos. I mean the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearin' accommodating shoes. Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind?
- Frasier: I don't know, uh... Aristotle.
- Cliff: There you go: sandals. Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is. You hardly even know you have them on. I mean Confucius: thongs. Einstein: loose loafers.
- [The series' last lines]
- Norm: Sammy, can I let you in on a little secret?
- Sam: Sure.
- Norm: I knew you'd come back.
- Sam: You did?
- Norm: You can never be unfaithful to your one true love. You always come back to her.
- Sam: Who is that?
- Norm: Think about it, Sam.
- [Norm leaves. Sam considers this, then figures out what he meant.]
- Sam: Boy, I tell ya, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on earth. [At he walks back, he hears a man come down the steps and knock on the door.] Sorry, we're closed.
- [The man leaves. Sam straightens the picture of Geronimo on the wall, then leaves out the back.]
- Ted Danson - Sam Malone
- Shelley Long - Diane Chambers
- Kirstie Alley - Rebecca Howe
- Rhea Perlman - Carla Tortelli
- Nicholas Colasanto - Ernie "Coach" Pantusso
- Woody Harrelson - "Woody" Boyd
- George Wendt - Norm Peterson
- John Ratzenberger - Cliff Clavin
- Kelsey Grammer - Frasier Crane
- Bebe Neuwirth - Lilith Sternin