Cheers (season 8)
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Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town.
The Improbable Dream: Part 1 [8.1]
- Cliff: You know it's quite remarkable. To float something as heavy as a wedge of lime, beer must have quite a high buoyancy factor.
- Carla: So do your loafers.
- Norm: Call me old-fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in my beer is my liver.
- Rebecca: Oh Frasier, Lilith excuse me. I know you're probably on your way somewhere.
- Lilith: Yes, we are.
- Frasier: But when aren't we?
- Rebecca: It's just that I have this really bad problem. It's getting so bad that I can't even sleep at night.
- Frasier: Well I'm sorry Rebecca, we do have this important lunch.
- Rebecca: You see I've been having these erotic dreams.
- Frasier: Well lunch be damned! Our friend is in need.
The Improbable Dream: Part 2 [8.2]
- Frasier: Perhaps your dreams are trying to tell you about something too frightening for your waking mind.
- Sam: Like what?
- Frasier: Like you care. You care about Rebecca.
- Sam: Oh come on, Frasier. You know me. How can I care about her? We haven't done the main thing that I care about.
- Frasier: Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.
- Lilith: You mean to say, you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?
- Sam: Well, yeah.
- Sam: [about Rebecca] It doesn't seem fair, does it? I spent three years loosening the cap on that peanut butter jar and right now she's stickin' to the roof of somebody else's mouth.
A Bar Is Born [8.3]
- Sam: Hey Rebecca, can I work the next shift? I need the overtime.
- Rebecca: Sam look, I know what you're trying to do here but forget it. It's going to take you the rest of your life to save enough money to buy Cheers.
- Woody: Hey if Sam says he can do it, he can do it. We have faith in you Sam. Cheers is gonna be yours. I just hope I'm still alive to see it.
- Norm: Women. You can't live with them...pass the beer nuts.
How to Marry a Mailman [8.4]
- Frasier: Emotional crises can affect our sensory perceptions. Devastating. I've read volumes on hysterical blindness, loss of hearing, even total loss of speech.
- Carla: Clavin had to pick blindness.
- Frasier: Carla, you're not helping.
- Carla: I'm not trying.
- Margaret: The men up in Canada well they just don't compare to you. They're just pale pathetic imitations of you, Cliff.
- Carla: Boy that must be one butt ugly country.
The Two Faces of Norm [8.5]
- Norm: Today I had to choose between two really great jobs. Couldn't make up my mind.
- Woody: What'd you do?
- Norm: I skipped them both and came in here. I think I made the right choice.
- Norm: I'm sorry, I've never hired anyone before, I wouldn't know what to ask.
- Rudy: Okay, but while you're thinking about it, let me buy you a beer.
- Norm: You're hired!
The Stork Brings a Crane [8.6]
- Sam: On this day in Boston's History? Yeah so they run this column every day. It tells you what happened 10 years ago, 50 years ago. What are we looking for? The last time she [Rebecca] had sex?
- Carla: No no no, this only goes back 100 years.
- Rebecca: Why are you all so interested in my sex life?
- Sam: Somebody has to be.
- Lilith: Oh doctor, thank God I felt so isolated here. I guess I had false labor. I'm just so terribly embarrassed because I'm a doctor myself. I was so sure this was the real thing. Not to mention the fact that I was sure I was going to be a mother today. Now I have to go on waiting. I need someone to talk me though this and please please tell me what to do.
- Doctor: False labor. Go home.
Death Takes a Holiday on Ice [8.7]
- Carla: I told you he was my husband. I had twins with Eddie.
- Gloria: So what? So did I.
- Norm: Yikes.
- Carla: At least mine don't give you warts when you touch them.
- Carla: It's not fair. I swear I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.
- Norm: Wait, there are perks?
For Real Men Only [8.8]
- Frasier: How can you go back to a room full of people that think you're a total idiot? How do you do it Cliff?
- Cliff: I don't really like to divulge-- Hey!
- Woody: My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?
- Carla: Your grandfather.
- Woody: No, he doesn't go in the attic.
Two Girls for Every Boyd [8.9]
- Woody: Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.
- [On the other side of the bar]
- Cliff: Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.
- Norm: I didn't have any cheese doodles.
- Cliff: Last night you did.
- Norm: I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?
- Sam: [about his beard] So you really think it looks sexy, huh?
- Rebecca: Oh yes, Yasser Arafat always makes me hot!
The Art of the Steal [8.10]
- Rebecca: I want you to tell me straight. How good are your kids at breaking and entering anyway? And do not brag about them just because you're their mother.
- Carla: Well that depends, what kind of system are we talking about here?
- Rebecca: It's a Triton 5000 Sonic with laser beams.
- Carla: They're not that good. But feel free to call if you're ever trapped in a late model car. They'll have you and the radio out in 60 seconds.
- Sam: What is it with people nowadays? When I was a kid we used to keep our door unlocked all the time. We used to get ripped off a lot but we could at least get out of the damn house.
Feeble Attraction [8.11]
- Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
- Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
- Doris: Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?
- Cliff: You know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.
Sam Ahoy [8.12]
- Sam: We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.
- Carla: Not to drown.
- Sam: All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.
- Norm: What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?
- Sam: All right three single purposes.
- Carla: How about buying the bar back?
- Sam: Does anyone have a piece of paper?
- [Sam enters wearing a suit]
- Carla: Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?
- Sam: I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.
- Cliff: How'd it go?
- Sam: I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the right side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.
- Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?
- Sam: That's right.
- Norm: Okay, for a second there I was offended.
Sammy and the Professor [8.13]
- Carla: Hey teach, I'm Carla LeBec. Listen I got this business problem. I'm being audited by the IRS and I'm a little scared.
- Alice: Well don't be. The IRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists. They're people just like you.
- Carla: Boy I'm in worse trouble than I thought.
- Norm: It looks like you'll have to bury the auditor in paperwork. Get your hands on all your receipts, if you don't have them, make them up.
- Carla: That's illegal.
- Norm: Okay, if you don't wanna...
- Carla: No, the kids will love it! We'll make it a family project!
What is... Cliff Clavin? [8.14]
- Alex: And here are the categories for you, "Civil Servants", "Stamps From Around The World", "Mothers And Sons", "Beer", "Bar Trivia", and finally, "Celibacy".
- Woody: Man, this has to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.
- Norm: Sure. He's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.
- Alex: Cliff, can I get you to pick a category and an amount?
- Cliff: Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want? I mean, I am feeling lucky today! Woah!
- Norm: Uh oh.
- Alex: And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
- Cliff: Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
- Alex: [taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
- Cliff: Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
- Alex: Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
- Cliff: Obvious to who?
- Alex: Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
- Cliff: It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
- Alex: It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.
- Cliff: No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!
- Norm: Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]
- Cliff: Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?
- Alex: You know it's a funny thing. You spend years hosting a show and you get into the habit of thinking there's just one correct question for every answer. But life doesn't always work out that way. The world is much more complex and you discover many different ways of looking at the universe.
- Cliff: Yeah, so what are you going to do?
- Alex: I think I'm going to quit my job as host of "Jeopardy!" Maybe spend a little time in Tibet.
- Cliff: Oh no Alex, just sit down here. I mean you don't know what you're saying.
- Alex: Wait a minute, how can I go on hosting the program if I'm filled with all these doubts?
- Cliff: Alright Alex, think about what "Jeopardy!" means to America. It's more than just a game show. I mean, it's as much of the part of national fabric as the postal uniform I wear with pride every single day.
- Alex: So you think I should stay as host of "Jeopardy!"?
- Cliff: Absolutely.
- Alex: And you won't bear me any ill will if I do?
- Cliff: Oh, bite your tongue!
- Alex: All right, it's settled. I'm going to stay as the host of "Jeopardy!"
- Cliff: Oh thank goodness Alex! Hey, hey, you hear that everybody? I saved "Jeopardy!" I'm going to go call Ma, she'll get a big kick out of this!
- Norm: Hey Alex, that's alright, you're a regular guy. Coming in here to make Cliff feel better. That's great.
- Alex: I just came in here for a beer but I saw Cliff and I figured I better say something so I made up that story about quitting. He scares me.
- Norm: You too, huh?
Finally!: Part 1 [8.15]
- Sam: Do me one favor, will ya.
- Rebecca: Sure, what is it?
- Sam: Go to bed with me.
- Rebecca: Oh Sam, you never stop.
- Sam: I'm sorry. It's in my genes.
- Rebecca: That's where it's gonna stay.
- Sam: Rebecca and Robin started making out in the back of the limo. So I offered to do the gentlemanly thing.
- Cliff: What's that?
- Sam: Let them dump me out on the railroad tracks.
- Carla: Oh man. That Colcord is a real jerk.
- Sam: Yeah, he just pulled over and let me out.
- Carla: He stopped the car? So what are you whining about?
Finally!: Part 2 [8.16]
- Rebecca: Robin, I need a one woman man.
- Robin: And I am a one woman man. It's just that I'm still looking for the one woman.
- Norm: [Rebecca's] taken to replacing the beer nuts to these little candy hearts that say "Hold me," "I'm yours," "Lovey dovey." Hey "Free beer."
- Woody: Oh no Mr. Peterson, you fooled me once.
Woody or Won't He [8.17]
- Woody: Hey Sam, can I ask you something?
- Sam: Another etiquette question?
- Woody: Yeah last one. What do I do if Kelly's mom tries to go to bed with me?
- Sam: Kelly's mom? I'm shocked and more than a little impressed.
- Norm: Well I have to say the mechanical bull is like the most useless thing put in a bar.
- Cliff: Now, Norm.
- Norm: Present company excepted.
Severe Crane Damage [8.18]
- Frasier: All right now, everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.
- Norm: Why? You're in a hurry?
- Frasier: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.
- Frasier: I'm just going to the men's room to check my hair.
- Carla: I already checked. It's not in there.
Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby [8.19]
- Robin: What about a friendly game of pool?
- Sam: No, I never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.
- Carla: You haven't lived.
- Frasier: You know it just isn't fair. I came because I wanted to be one of the guys and all I'm doing is sitting on my duff watching other people do things.
- Norm: Welcome to NormWorld. Keep your hands inside the car at all times.
Fifty-Fifty Carla [8.20]
- Woody: Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure pretty soon I can get naked anywhere.
- Sam: Makin' progress huh, Wood?
- Woody: [now shirtless] You bet. I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscious. That's all I'll get out of it. But I did pick up an extra $50 in tips.
- Woody: So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"
- Sam: Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.
- Frasier: Oh, they noticed, Sam.
- Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"
- Norm: Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.
Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh [8.21]
- Woody: Gary's just playing with us, like a rat and mouse.
- Sam: That's cat and mouse, Woody.
- Woody: Sam, a cat and mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.
- Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
- Norm: You mean nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.
- Carla: Sorry. No suds tonight, Norm. You are still our designated driver, remember?
- Norm: I know that. You know that. But did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?
The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec [8.23]
- Frasier: Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus. Before you know it this woman will be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 an hour, and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.
- Carla: And how is that different from you?
- [Lilith hides a smirk.]
- Frasier: Well, uh... I can prescribe drugs.
- Lilith: Well kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.
- Frasier: That gives me a warm fuzzy.
- Lilith: There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.
- Frasier: Woody, can I have another beer and would you check on the robot over there and check if it's thirsty.
- Woody: Hey Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of Valvoline?
- Lilith: Oh won't you people stop it? I-am-not-a-robot!
Mr. Otis Regrets [8.24]
- Woody: [Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.
- Norm: Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?
- Woody: Now I've got two problems.
- Sam: I get it. Your mom would disapprove.
- Woody: Make that three problems.
- Frasier: What? Do you have religious scruples?
- Woody: Oh great four problems.
- Sam: What was your original problem?
- Woody: Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.
- Woody: I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her why would I be sleeping with somebody else?
- Carla: Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year and you're not sleepin' with her?
- Woody: Of course not. That's the sort of thing you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?
- Norm: Well you keep believing that, Woody.
Cry Hard [8.25]
- Norm: Well I guess I better go call Vera back.
- Cliff: What are you talking about? She didn't call.
- Norm: Yes, she did. Yesterday. Something about a flat tire, interstate. What the hell's the number of that call box?
- Rebecca: I cannot believe that Robin would use me like this.
- Sam: Yeah I know. He seems like such a decent guy. It's not like he ever, you know, cheated on any of your friends on a business deal. No, no actually he did, didn't he? Well at least you never caught him with another woman. Oh shoot that happened too. Well maybe this is the very last bad thing he does. Yeah that's it.
- Rebecca: Gee Sam, you think so?
Cry Harder [8.26]
- Carla: I know how we should celebrate. Why don't you just take me right on top of the bar like you did in the old days?
- Sam: I never did that.
- Carla: Then who was that guy? Oh that was the manager of the bar where I worked before this. Hey can anyone give me a ride to The Broken Spoke?