Cheers (season 11)

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Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town.

The Little Match Girl [11.1]

Sam: [To Rebecca, after he learns she burned down the bar] Of all the stupid things you've done in your useless life... this is your masterpiece.

Frasier: I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.

Cliff: You wanna see a dark side; you ought to see Ma when you leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub. That's something you don't do twice.

The Beer Is Always Greener [11.2]

Cliff: [at Mr. Pubb's]Look at all the neon in here.

Norm: It looks like the inside of a UFO.

Cliff: Actually they're quite different... I guess.

The King of Beers [11.3]

Rebecca: This is what we losers do, Norm. At least we're not alone, we have each other.

Norm: You're not gonna kiss me again are you?? Cause I still have to drive home.

Rebecca: I'm not a loser! Norm's a loser. Look at him eating ice cream.

Norm: Hey guys...did Rebecca just call me a loser?

Frasier: I'm afraid so, Norm.

Norm: Good...I thought she said leave me some!

The Magnificent Six [11.4]

Henri: I win? France has won! France has won!

Frasier: There's something you never hear.

Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman [11.5]

Norm: What do you want to do tonight, Cliff?

Cliff: Eh, I dunno, what do you want to do?

Norm: I dunno.

Rebecca: You guys, you do this all day long for hours!

Cliff: Face it Rebecca, we're bored, nothing ever happens around here.

[enter Andy Andy covered in dynamite]

Rebecca: [gasps] Oh my God!

Norm: Hey, it's Andy Andy.

Rebecca: What, you know this person?!

Cliff: Yeah, former major felon. Once killed a waitress.

Andy Andy: Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane!!!

Woody: Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here for 5 or 6 years.

Andy Andy: Oh really? Well, okay.

[walks out]

Cliff: So, what do you want to do?

[Rebecca turns around and gives them a look of disbelief]

Teaching with the Enemy [11.6]

Woody: What's a Freudian slip?

Cliff: It's when you say one thing and mean a mother.

Frasier: I know. I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale in comparison. In fact, whatever it is, it, it'll be a relief! Okay, okay...what is the worst thing I can imagine?

[Pause]

Frasier: All right, I've got it. Lilith, your news please.

Lilith: This afternoon, in a moment of EXTREME weakness...I cheated on you.

Frasier: THAT WAS IT!! THAT WAS THE WORST THING!!!!

Lilith: Try to remain calm!

Frasier: How can I remain calm when you tell me you've slept with another man?! You SLUT!!!

The Girl in the Plastic Bubble [11.7]

Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.

Carla: Like a body temperature?

Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.

Carla: Well, that was just rude.

Frasier: I'M GOING TO JUMP, LILITH!!!

Cliff: Normy, come on, will you? The buddy of ours is on the ledge, he's about to jump to his death. Let's go!

Norm: Jeez, you're right. I'd better go move my car.

Ill-Gotten Gaines [11.8]

Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa [11.9]

John Allen Hill: Ah, Miss Tortelli... is that a new hairdo, or did someone toss a toaster in your bathtub? What am I saying - what would you be doing in a bathtub?

Carla: Cleaning you out of the drain.

John Allen Hill: Yeasty oil slick!

Carla: Bladder polyp!

John Allen Hill: Man witch!

Carla: Perverted goat boy!

John Allen Hill: Sluttish mole!

Carla: Seven o'clock tonight?

John Allen Hill: Make it 6:30.

Rebecca: [after the gang hears that John Allen Hill had a heart attack] Should we visit him at the hospital? Who wants to go? Come on you guys... he's our neighbor... we know him. We should see him in the hospital.

Norm: Rebecca, it's not like he's our best friend or anything.

Rebecca: Norm, that's not the point. The point is you have to pretend to be nice to people - that's what makes you a good person.

Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl [11.10]

[Franklin "Brig" Howe has sent Rebecca to pack her things]

"Brig" Howe: In the meantime, I'll just stay here and wait. Give me a beer.

Norm: [shows his empty mug] Sir, did I ever tell you that I was in the Coast Guard?

"Brig" Howe: Coast Guard, huh? Well you must be very proud, Miss.

Norm: So, buy a girl a drink?

Cliff: [after the gang learns that Rebecca stills get an allowance from her father] Imagine somebody getting an allowance at her age, eh? My ma cut me off when I was thirty. No ifs, ands or buts. And it hurt, I tell you - hurt like hell. Ah, but it had a happy ending.

Norm: Made you more self-reliant, Cliff?

Cliff: Nah. A couple of years later her pension fund went bankrupt. She had to come crawling to me for some dough. I just gave her the old horse laugh. "What goes around," huh, boys?

Love Me, Love My Car [11.11]

Frasier: [after Sam suggests he begin dating] Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

Carla: Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

Rebecca: [to guests that have arrived at Cheers for their family reunion] I took the liberty of making name-tags for everybody. See: "Hello, My name's Rebecca". And this one is for you, Peter. [to Party Guest #1] And your name is...

Party Guest #1: We're all family. We know each other's names. [she walks away]

Rebecca: Let me make one out for you anyway: "B-I-T-C..."

Sunday Dinner [11.12]

Norm's Big Audit [11.13]

[Norm is afraid he'll have to sleep with Dot Carroll, the IRS agent, to prevent the audit of his taxes.]

Cliff: Relax, Norm. I've been brainstorming. I've come up with a plan.

Norm: I'm desperate. I'll try anything. Come on.

Cliff: Tell you what, here's the plan: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the light, say "Room service for Dot Carroll". In the meantime, I got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop 'em in the room; they run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers... OK? In the ensuing hub-bub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me - you think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.

Norm: Thanks, Cliff, but you don't have to go to the trouble.

Cliff: That's all right... I already got the squirrels.

Frasier: Well Norm, you could get someone to impersonate Vera.

Norm: Well thanks Frasier, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Bar [11.14]

Loathe and Marriage [11.15]

Gino: [comes up behind Rebecca] Hey, there. Remember me?

Rebecca: Yes, I do. You're Carla's son, Gino. And I did not appreciate the nude photos of yourself that you sent.

Gino: You know, it's the best I could do with the machine at the mall.

Rebecca: Gino, would you forget about it. I'm not going to go out with you. You're much too young for me.

Gino: Yeah, right. Cu-Cu-Ca-Chu, Miss Howe.

Cliff: So, how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted you were talking about marketing some kind of slot machine for the home.

Nick: Oh, yeah... "Flush and Win." It was a great idea. The only problem is the people had a difficult time retrieving their change

Is There a Doctor in the Howe? [11.16]

The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover [11.17]

Cliff: Who'd have thought it, Rebecca and Frasier? What's next, me and Carla!?

[Carla grabs him by the back of the head]

Carla: Don't say it, Clavin, don't you even think it!

Rebecca: Frasier, listen: I know Lilith coming back changes everything, so I'm just gonna step out of the picture, and there's no hard feelings.

Frasier: [completely oblivious to all she's saying] That bitch! Thinks she can waltz back into my life and start calling the shots!

Rebecca: I know what we almost had was very special, but we have a very special friendship too, so I think we should just leave it at that.

Frasier: [still ignoring her] ECOPOD, MY BIG WHITE BUTT! I was that close to popping her, you know that!? She's the mother of my child and I nearly did it!

Rebecca: I think we should just focus here, because, you know Frasier, I'm trying to be very gentle, because I wanna let you down easily, I don't wanna break your heart...

Frasier: [mimicking Lilith, still ignoring Rebecca] "I spent three days on a bus! Wah, wah wah!" Well cry me a river, bunhead!

Rebecca: [finally losing patience] FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRASIER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!? I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!

The Last Picture Show [11.18]

Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey [11.19]

[Gary has walled up the bar; the Irish band has arrived; Sam won't give up]

Sam: All we need is – uh, what – a little winning attitude, right? A little positivity. [to the Irish band] Hey, fellas, do me a favor. Play us a little something to get us in the mood.

Irish band: [singing] "They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my Da with logs. Limey scum, limey scum, I toss a bomb and still they come." Everybody! "Limey scum, limey scum..."

[After the guys have to sing naked at Gary's, they're getting dressed in the backroom]

Sam: That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.

Woody: I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.

Paul: How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?

Norm: Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.

Cliff: You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.

Norm: Exhilarating?

Cliff: I meant humiliating.

Look Before You Sleep [11.20]

[Sam is locked out of his place and comes to Carla's]

Carla: Well, I guess you can stay here for the night.

Sam: Yeah, yeah. Alright, thanks.

Carla: Look, Sammy.

Sam: What?

Carla: No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help... do NOT open the bedroom door. Got it?

John Allen Hill: Ditto for me, too, Sam.

Sam: Oh, no no... [he leaves]

[Sam stays at Cliff's house]

Esther Clavin: Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm... by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin - I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell on a spit reserved for those who desert their families. Amen.

Woody Gets an Election [11.21]

Kevin Fogerty: Maybe we need someone to blame. Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all. Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror. Because... if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work. The way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord. You may remember it... it's called AMERICA.

[The bar patrons applaud & cheer; Fogerty leaves]

Frasier: But he didn't SAY anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point. The voters of Boston are sheep.

Woody: Wow, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.

Frasier: Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains. I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten-percent of the vote.

Woody: Ho ho. Two Hanover things in one day!

Holly Matheson: [interviewing candidate Woody] So what you're saying is there are no easy answers.

Woody: Well, not for me there aren't.

It's Lonely on the Top [11.22]

Frasier: [after a night of drinking Carla's special drinks] Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us. How can you be so chipper this morning?

Woody: Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure. Very simple: first, put on your pajamas; then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water; and then, you vomit 'til your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels. Wake up in the mornin', you feel brand new. Boy, I am hungry. Anybody for some chili dogs?

Norm: Okay, okay, but only two.

Norm: Okay, Cliff, you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt.

Cliff: It's a big American flag there, Norm. With the motto: "God Bless The U.S. Post Office." What's mine say?

Norm: "I Love Vera."

Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses [11.23]

Note: This episode is 60 minutes long.

[Cliff enters the bar]

Sam: Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?

Cliff: Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!

Norm: Fighting with ma, huh?

Cliff: Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.

Sam: I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.

Cliff: Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...

Frasier: [interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.

Sam: [on the phone with Rebecca] I'll be over as soon as I can. [hangs up] Shoot.

Woody: Who was that?

Sam: Ah, it's Rebecca; she's all upset. Your father-in-law invited her over to his place to listen to music tonight. She thought she was supposed to be his date; got all dressed up in a fancy dress. Turns out she's only there to tend bar.

Woody: How could she make that mistake?

Sam: Oh, come on, Woody. Put yourself in her position: you know, attractive guy asks you over to his place to listen to some music, wants you to wear a fancy dress... you'd go wouldn't you?

Woody: Oh, no. No, my high school drama teacher tried that one on me. "Once bitten, twice shy," my friend.

Rebecca: Do you know what I am. I'm a phony. I'm a great big phony. Pretending like I liked Mahler just so some rich guy would ask me out. I don't even know his first name.

Woody: Gustav. Gustav Mahler.

Ma Clavin: [about the retirement home] Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?

Cliff: Oh, yeah, Ma. Don't worry. Your insurance policies will cover it.

Ma Clavin: Oh, that's convenient. You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns.

Cliff: These are your golden years.

Ma Clavin: Oh, bless your heart. You've given me what every mother dreams of: a tastefully furnished room in which to die among strangers.

The Guy Can't Help It [11.24]

Sam: The woman I choose is gonna feel very special. You know, like when a great chef picks the perfect pork chop.

Frasier: [sarcastically] That's beautiful, Sam.

One for the Road [11.25]

Note: this episode is 90 minutes long.

Sam: You know I think you should go home, wake Vera, and do whatever comes naturally.

Norm: Wake her up so she can watch me eat a bucket of buffalo wings?

Frasier: [about Diane's husband] If she's left him a shred of manhood it's only because she's waiting for the right moment to flick it away like the last shriveled pea on her plate. Thank God I'm over her. Hit me, Woody! Four fingers of the meanest swill you got!

Frasier: Hello, Diane.

Diane: Hello Frasier, you're looking well!

Frasier: I'm feeling well! I'm happily married with a bright young son and a successful practice. But, you know, what's most important, and I just realized it this moment, is that, I'm over you.

Diane: I'm glad.

Frasier: [clutches Diane's shoulders] There is absolutely nothing here anymore. I'm over you. You could be a total stranger for all I'm feeling. You could be ugly and gnarled and toothless, without that shining hair, those dancing eyes and these graceful, subtle limbs. Thank God I'm free.

Diane: Frasier, you're hurting me!

Frasier: Well, you never hurt me, did you?!

Diane: [to Woody] What's new in your life?

Woody: Oh, well, you know, I, uh, got married and I'm gonna have a kid.

Diane: Wonderful.

Woody: Yeah. Oh, I just got elected to the Boston City Council.

Diane: [amazed, in disbelief] How nice. And I'm next in line for the throne of England.

Woody: Well, you know, maybe we'll work together someday... hammer out a treaty or somethin'.

Sam: Well, at least I didn't fly across the country to make an ass out of myself.

Diane: Why bother when you do it so brilliantly right here?

Sam: I keep askin' myself: what is the point to life?

Woody: Whew. That's a tough question.

Cliff: Ehh. Well, I got the answer.

Frasier: Somehow I knew you would.

Cliff: Comfortable shoes.

Frasier: Shoes?

Cliff: Yeah. If you're not wearin' comfortable shoes, life is just chaos. I mean the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearin' accommodating shoes. Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind?

Frasier: I don't know, uh... Aristotle.

Cliff: There you go: sandals. Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is. You hardly even know you have them on. I mean Confucius: thongs. Einstein: loose loafers.

[The series' last lines]

Norm: Sammy, can I let you in on a little secret?

Sam: Sure.

Norm: I knew you'd come back.

Sam: You did?

Norm: You can never be unfaithful to your one true love. You always come back to her.

Sam: Who is that?

Norm: Think about it, Sam.

[Norm leaves. Sam considers this, then figures out what he meant.]

Sam: Boy, I tell ya, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on earth. [At he walks back, he hears a man come down the steps and knock on the door.] Sorry, we're closed.

[The man leaves. Sam straightens the picture of Geronimo on the wall, then leaves out the back.]