Cheers (season 7)
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Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town.
How to Recede in Business [7.1]
- Sam: [to Rebecca] The way I see it, you haven't had a date with a guy for about two and half years. Now I think this date of ours could be good for me but sweetheart, I got to say it's looking real necessary for you.
- Sam: Speaking of Mercedes, I'm kind of known as the Mercedes of guys.
- Rebecca: Really? I always thought you were more of a cheap pickup with a headlight missing.
Swear to God [7.2]
- Rebecca: [about Sam] What does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.
- Carla: Rebecca, will you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.
- Rebecca: You're just saying that.
- Carla: Yes, I am. I was taught to humor old folks.
- Sam: So believe it or not I've given up sex entirely. But you've got to promise not to tell anyone.
- Frasier: Well Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. Besides, who'd believe it?
- Cliff: Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. You see, that's the only way we can prove we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
- Frasier: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?
Executive Sweet (1) [7.3]
- Rebecca: What the hell's in the box?
- Woody: Those are my bees, Miss Howe.
- Rebecca: Enough said.
- Woody: Can I keep them in there until the end of the day?
- Rebecca: Sure, anything you want. In my mood I'll agree to anything.
- Sam: Sounds like my cue.
- Sam: [to Rebecca] Let's try this. Have sex with me 25 times and if the end of the night you're still not sure then I won't say another thing.
One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape (2) [7.4]
- Cliff: [about Martin] How does a guy so young get to be so incredibly powerful?
- Woody: I just try to maintain a cheerful attitude and try not abuse my position.
- Norm: I hate to change the subject but I don't know if anyone recognizes, we seem to have a little problem here.
- Woody: Oh you need another beer, Mr. Peterson.
- Norm: Okay we have two problems here.
Those Lips, Those Ice [7.5]
- Sam: You must be gettin' pretty excited.
- Carla: Yeah, I thought that ice show would never get back to Boston. It has been tough. He [Eddie] misses me. The kids miss him. Not to mention that I happen to be at my sexual peak.
- Sam: You've been there since you were 12.
- Carla: When you find a place you like, why leave it?
- Eddie: Hey, are the kids home? I haven't talked to them since I got back. I want to give them a call.
- Carla: Oh yeah go ahead. Just make sure you identify yourself by name. Just saying "It's dad" leaves too much confusion.
Norm, Is That You? [7.6]
- Lilith: You should be decorating professionally.
- Norm: Doing you folks a favor is one thing. Anymore of this interior decorating junk could really eat into my reputation as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.
- Frasier: But Norm, you have a gift.
- Norm: A gift? Try a curse, pal. I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to put the ottoman.
- Norm: I can't go on with this any longer. I wanted to be your decorator so I pretended to be who I thought you wanted me to be but it's time I came out of the closet. I'm straight.
- Robert: Impossible.
- Norm: Ever since I was a little boy I've known that I prefer girls. But the point is I think you should judge people for what they do not for who they do.
How to Win Friends and Electrocute Yourself [7.7]
- Norm: [about their conversation] Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?
- Frasier: Well frankly it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say where is Cliff anyway?
- Sam: Yeah, is he still in the hospital?
- Norm: I don't know. How's he doin'?
- Sam: I thought you were gonna go see him.
- Norm: Well I tried. I mean I got as far as the hospital lobby but you know that smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [motions for a beer refill]
- Rebecca: The Globe's doing an article on women who run pubs and now he wants to take my picture. I really dread this.
- Sam: Why?
- Rebecca: Because I get so tensed up in front of a camera. All of a sudden I look like something the cat coughed up.
- Carla: Oooh, can I have an 8x10 for my mantlepiece?
- Rebecca: How about a 2x4 for your bridgework?
Jumping Jerks [7.8]
- Rebecca: [about sky diving] I just think it's really exciting - the danger of drifting through space. You know, talk about a turn on.
- Sam: Please do.
- Sam: Fellas it's late. You've had a few beers, you'll agree to anything.
- Norm: Damn right, we will.
Send in the Crane [7.9]
- Sam: I'm sittin' at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie. The mother reaches over and grabs my knees and says "Sam, I want you." Then I feel the daughter reach over and grabs the other knee and she says "I want you too, Sammy."
- Norm: Well yeah yeah.
- Sam: Then I woke up. You know what this dream means don't you?
- Norm: It means you even dream better than we do.
- Sam: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time.
- Carla: Sammy first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish, and second of all, that was one chick.
Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back [7.10]
- Carla: Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.
- Woody: They wouldn't do that.
- Carla: They did it to me. But I got the best of them.
- Norm: How's that?
- Carla: [laughing] I loved it.
- Woody: Hey Mr. Peterson there's a cold one waitin' for ya.
- Norm: I know, and if she calls I'm not here.
Adventures in Housesitting [7.11]
- Sam: Let me see here, Rebecca Howe all alone and scared in a big old house. Sounds to me like a job for Sammy's Security Company, we get in before the burglars do!
- Carla: That's what I like about you Sam; your pants are always thinkin'.
- Rebecca: Sam, did you come out here because you were concerned I was scared? Or did you come out here to get me in the sack?
- Sam: Hey I came out here because I was concerned and scared that I would never get you in the sack.
Please Mr. Postman [7.12]
- [Rebecca passionately kisses Norm]
- Rebecca: I don't know what got into me. Please apologize to Vera.
- Norm: Are you kidding? After that, Vera should apologize to me.
- Cliff: Was it my imagination or was that woman coming on to me?
- Norm: Cliffie, Walt Disney should've had your imagination.
Golden Boyd [7.13]
- Woody: Who wants to see a rich boy get his butt whooped?
- Carla: Wait a minute, I can't leave. If you're gonna fight, go fight in the back. But remember, you've got to bus your own blood.
- Kelly: Oh hi. I hope I'm not too late. I heard my boyfriend was coming here to fight that nice bartender.
- Carla: Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer.
I Kid You Not [7.14]
- Cliff: It's sad to say that kids unaccepted by their peers really never learn how to get along with people in the big grown up world.
- Norm: Why is that, Cliff? 'Cause they keep boring everyone an driving them crazy with long speeches filled with meaningless statistics?
- Cliff: Yep! 63% of them live lives of quiet desperation.
- Norm: How about those who sit next to them?
- Cliff: You know any female that rides around with Sammy in the car ends up going straight to bed with him.
- Rebecca: I've ridden in that car.
- Norm: Right.
- Rebecca: Well I didn't go to bed with him.
- Norm: Right and they always deny it afterwards.
Don't Paint Your Chickens [7.15]
- Cliff: As a business man you really have a lot to be desired. You know you haven't had a job in three months.
- Norm: Cliff, you're absolutely right. I could do something about that or I can sit right here and feel sorry for myself and nurse this beer all day. Since I'm already here...
- Rebecca: Well, everyone, you are looking at a winner.
- Carla: You were the best kisser upper? Gee what does that trophy look like?
The Cranemakers [7.16]
- [A pregnant Lilith enters the bar.]
- Lilith: Lay your hands upon me everyone, I am life. I am mother. My man's seed is nourished within me. [To Sam] Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating.
- Sam: Boy, I tell ya, this is kind of a first for me, uh, but I'm gonna pass.
Hot Rocks [7.17]
What's Up, Doc? [7.18]
- Sam: What kind of problem should I make up?
- Carla: Well how about this, I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.
- Norm: Anything come of it?
- Carla: Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.
- Norm: Or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.
- Carla: You are a failure.
- Norm: Then I've licked it.
- Sam: Answer the question, what do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?
- Rebecca: Come on Sam, you're a passionate guy. I bet you have a lot of things you care deeply about.
- Sam: Yeah, like what?
- Rebecca: Sailing.
- Sam: Babes on waves. See, the doctor was right. I'm a shallow guy.
The Gift of the Woodi [7.19]
- Lilith: There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her looks to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.
- Rebecca: What's that?
- Lilith: Scaring them stupid.
- Norm: For God's sake. Are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?
- Cliff: It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.
- Carla: Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?
Call Me, Irresponsible [7.20]
- Rebecca: Isn't Eddie sweet? Why can't more men send flowers?
- Sam: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
- Rebecca: I said "more men", not Mormon.
- Sam: I know they can't dance.
- Norm: No Sam, that's the Amish.
- Sam: Then why can't Mormons send flowers?
- Rebecca: They can!! I just wish someone would send me some damn flowers!
- Sam: So why does it have to be a Mormon?
- Rebecca: Oh! [walks away]
- Sam: Some people you just can't discuss religion with.
- Woody: What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?
- Norm: The flashing side of my gut that says "insert beer here."
Sisterly Love [7.21]
- Sam: At this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's gonna spend two minutes getting out of.
- Norm: What are you going to do about that sister?
- Sam: Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.
- Cliff: You gonna take her out tomorrow night?
- Sam: No, take her out in a couple of hours.
- Sam: Carla, you hate your sister, don't you?
- Carla: Sure, why?
- Sam: What would I have to do to get the two of you back together again?
- Carla: Simple, Sam. Ask me to come down and identify her body.
The Visiting Lecher [7.22]
- Frasier: Why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?
- Lawrence: Well you know she hates to travel. Besides we decided this was a perfect opportunity to test my theories about martial fidelity. And I'm glad to say that after 10 months of celibacy, I can how pronounce my principles sound.
- Sam: After 10 months of celibacy I couldn't even pronounce my name.
- Rebecca: Your husband came onto me at a local bar.
- Valerie: Do you mean he propositioned you?
- Rebecca: Well he didn't exactly proposition me.
- Valerie: Well what exactly did he do?
- Rebecca: He asked me about my feelings.
- Valerie: That is his field you know.
- Rebecca: That isn't all he did. He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.
- Sam: [to maid] She never gets tired of telling this part.